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Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Hi everybody, this is Googie Miller. Googie, this is my mom Googie Miller
: Hi. Lily Munster
: Hello, Googie. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: ...and this is my cousin Marilyn Googie Miller
: Like Wow! Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: And this is my grandfather... Googie Miller
: Hi. Grandpa
: Hi. eh, What are you staring at, my little man? Googie Miller
: I've never seen a penguin smoking a cigar before
: Hey Eddie, after lunch your grandpa claims he's gonna change me into a rabbit and back. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Oh, Grandpa has got all kind of neat tricks. Googie Miller
: Yeah, well I've got an idea how to play a neat trick on him. Come on downtown with me, I gotta get something. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: But I don't want to play a trick on grandpa. Googie Miller
: What are you talking about? He's an adult and we're kids. It's our duty to do everything in our power to ruin 'em.
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: You're the meanest kid I ever knew! You're a rat... and a ratfink... and a misserable little brat! Googie Miller
: Gee thanks, Eddie, my analyst said what I needed was recognition.
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Gee, I'm sorry. Lily Munster
: If you go with bad companions, some of it is bound to rub off on you. Herman Munster
: Exactly. Which brings to mind a famous old quotation: he who lies down with dog, gets up with fleas. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Who said that, daddy? Herman Munster
: I'm not sure, I think it was the man who trained Lassie.
: [after Googie puts nitro in Grandpa's caldron
] Have you seen Grandpa? Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: [Explosion in dungeon and Grandpa goes flying out into the rafters
] Here he comes now! Lily Munster
: What happened to you? Grandpa Munster
: [beaten up and clinging to rafters
] Never mind what happened to me. Wait 'till you see what happens to Googie.
: What's the subject of your school composition, Eddie? Eddie Munster
: 'My parents, an average American family'. Lily Munster
: Fine, dear. When your father comes to, I'm sure he'll be able to help you with it.
: When read my composition to the class, all the kids started laughing and yelling and screaming and stamping their feet. A couple of them even doubled up so bad they had to be carried out of the room. Herman Munster
: Strange the way jealousy affects some people.
: And pop, don't slap the teacher on the back and tell her any of your corny jokes. Herman Munster
: Is it all right if I tell her the one about and sailor the mermaid? Eddie Munster
: You tell her that one and I'll run away from home. Herman Munster
: You just don't want me to sit there and look stupid, do you? Eddie Munster
: That would be fine, pop.
: How do I look? Lily Munster
: Oh, just fine, Eddie. Did you wash up? Eddie Munster
: Sure. I brushed my fangs and washed behind my points.
: Mom, how come pop inherited an English title? I thought he was made in Germany. Lily Munster
: Well you see, Eddie, at an early age, your father left doctor Frankenstein's lab in Germany... Herman
: [Herman puts a monocle over his eye and looks in the mirror, which promptly shatters
] That's right, son. Lily Munster
: ...and then he arrived in England and he was adopted by a family called Munster, who gave him their name.
: [to Marylin
] Since you got to be an old lady of nineteen, you don't wanna have any fun at all!
: I hope those guys didn't bring any more to-mah-tos
: There is an important intermediate step that we are missing here. The deer eats the grass and is itself eaten, and then the thing that ate it dies and fertilizes the ground so more grass can grow, so more deer can eat, and then... be eaten. Marilyn Munster
: But some deer can live long lives. Grandpa
: Nope. Marilyn Munster
: Also, as an intermediary step, sometimes deer want to be eaten. They're depressed and lonely, so that lion's doing the deer a favor. Eddie Munster
: That deer didn't look depressed. Marilyn Munster
: No, I know. I thought I saw it smile. Eddie Munster
: Does anything eat the lion? Marilyn Munster
: Grandpa. Grandpa
: It's nature.
: Edward, stop playing with your food. Eddie Munster
: I will if you will. Grandpa
: That is a gross cliche, and it is beneath you. Eddie Munster
: [to Steve
] My grandpa's gonna eat you. Marilyn Munster
: Is that happening tonight? Hmm?
: Next full moon, you'll have a pet who'll watch over you, so you won't hurt yourself or anybody else. Eddie Munster
: Will it watch over you too? Lily Munster
: Yes, he'll watch over me too. Eddie Munster
: A dog can't stop a werewolf from eating somebody. Herman Munster
: This one can.
[Herman whistles and a dragon appears
] Eddie Munster
: [pets dragon
] Do I get to keep him?
: Goodnight mom, if there's any thunder or lightning, be sure to wake me up. I wouldn't want to miss it!
: Mom, can I go to the Ranger's station and pet Grandpa?
: Oh Herman, we've got to get him out of his cage tonight. Tomorrow they're shipping him off to the New York Zoo! Eddie Munster
: Yeah, you gotta get Grandpa. Some kids are always bragging about their grandpas in heaven, what are they gonna say when I tell 'em my grandpa's in the zoo?
: Mom, if we do rent the place, can I use some of the money to buy Spot a new toy? Lily Munster
: Oh Eddie, we gave him a foreign sports car for Christmas, he played with it a couple of times, and then he threw over the back fence.
: Hey mom, can I go out and walk around the ledge? Lily Munster
: Oh no, no, Eddie, you might fall off and hurt somebody.
: Hey mom, how come Grandpa and dad aren't having dinner with us? Lily Munster
: Well, Grandpa said they had to go out tonight on important business. Eddie Munster
: But Grandpa didn't even take his shuffle!
: Hey mom, maybe dad's out playing poker with some men , and when he comes home you'll have to yell at him and make him sleep on the sofa. Lily Munster
: Eddie! Where did you get ideas like that? Eddie Munster
: From television. Lily Munster
: You see, Marylin. It's just the way I told you. Those shows on television about horrible families have a definite effect on children.
: [gazing out the window on a stormy night
] Boy, look at the neat lightning. I sure hope it hits our house!
] At the sound of the tone, the time is eight o' nine. Ne'ermore, ne'er more. Eddie Munster
: Why don't you pipe down?
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Gee, I don't wanna go to bed yet, It's still dark out.
: Lilly, it just came over me. You've never looked more lovely. Lily Munster
: Strange, I was just thinking how particularly handsome you look this morning. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Isn't anybody going to say how lovely I look?
: I'm gonna give some of my desert to Spot while it's still burning.
: Isn't that neat? Grandpa
: Isn't that touching? Marilyn Munster
: Isn't that romantic? The Raven
: Isn't that sickening?
: I thought you didn't like violence, pop? Herman Munster
: Well, I don't, son, but I think we should be prepaired at all times, and we don't want any more black eyes, do we? Eddie Munster
: Uhuh, if we don't do something by tomorrow, we'll run out of eyes.
: Eddie, go to your room. Eddie Munster
: But mom, us guys are having a ball clobbering guys.
: How long have you been taking home movies, Grandpa? Grandpa
: All my life. As a matter of fact, I was taking movies 300 years before the camera was invented. Eddie Munster
: That must have been hard! Grandpa
: Of course it was. And I'll tell you something else: there wasn't even a drugstore to develop the film.
: While Grandpa is taking is nap, would you come down to the dungeon and run some more of his home movies for me? Herman Munster
: Sure, which ones would you like to see, Eddie? Eddie Munster
: Oh, how 'bout the track meet in Transylvania you were in, when you were a young guy? Herman Munster
: Oh, you mean that cross country run? Eddie Munster
: Yeah! Herman Munster
: You know, Eddie, I was so far ahead of the pack, the crowd had to run after me with torches to show me the finish line.
: Is pop home yet? Lily Munster
: Not yet, dear. But be patient. He'll be home in two shakes of a wherewolf's tail.
: Oh, what do you have in the jar, Eddie? Eddie Munster
: It's my science project for school. It's a Black Widow spider. Lily Munster
: Oh, that could be dangerous. You be real careful when you take the spider out of the jar, Eddie, so that nobody hurts it.
: Come on, Grandpa, let's find a spot where I can burry you in the sand. Grandpa
: Okay Eddie, but this time, bury me deep. I don't want any crazy dogs digging me up like last time.
: Eddie, what are you doing up in that tree? Come down here this instant. Eddie Munster
: I won't. I'm gonna stay up here till I croak. 'Cause Nobody loves me. Nobody cares! Lily Munster
: Oh, Eddie, we all love you. We love you from the bottom of your little hooves to the top of your little pointed ears.
: [Eddie's robot has exploded
] I'm sorry Eddie, I've let you down. It's all my fault. Eddie Munster
: What am I gonna do? Herman Munster
: There's nothing to do. I'll just go out and explain. Eddie Munster
: [Eddie tugs his fathers coat
] No dad, that's my job.
: Let me take a picture so I can show the guys in the Bat 'n Ball club just how famous my family really is. Grandpa Munster
: Bat club? Hey, Eddie, you could get into that kind of a club on my name alone! Eddie Munster
: Well, I don't know, Grandpa, they don't take just anybody. Herman Munster
: Eddie, we're just not anybody, son. Grandpa Munster
: That's right, Eddie, your fathers a little bit of everybody and your grandpa has got some of the best blood in Europe flowing through them veins...
: Eddie, have seen your father and grandpa? Eddie Munster
: Oh, they're down in the dungeon, working on something. It must be real neat, because when I knocked on the dungeon door, they told me to get lost! Do you suppose they're trying to figure out some way to keep mom from working? Marilyn Munster
] Eddie, where did you hear about that? Some people have awfully large ears! Eddie Munster
: Neat, isn't it?
: Gee, Grandpa, what are we gonna do if pop's disappeared for good, and we never find him at all? Grandpa
: What are we gonna do? We'll just send his return trip ticket for a cash refund, that's all.
: He didn't even mention the L.E.T.T.E.R. Marilyn Munster
: You're absolutely R.I.G.H.T Lily Munster
: I'd better not find out he's becoming a P.H.I.L.A.N.... A.N.... Eddie Munster
: I don't know what you guys are talking about, but 'philanderer' is spelled P.H.I.L.A.N.D.E.R.E.R.
: Eddie, how bout you go to find Marilyn, and then the three of us will have a checker tournament! Eddie Munster
: Oh, Marilyn went out with her new boyfriend, and I have to go play with one of the neighbor kids. Grandpa
: Which one? Eddie Munster
: I don't know, I haven't caught him yet!
: I mailed his picture into the contest after the deadline. Lily Munster
: I don't understand, he's supposed to be meeting with the commity now. I wonder who he is talking with? The last time he met with strangers, they sold him the Vic Tanny franchise for Greenland. Grandpa
: Don't worry about it, Herman has a good head on his shoulders. Nothing in it, but he's got a good head on his shoulders.
: Wowie, Zombo's the neatest guy. When I grow up, I wanna be just like Zombo. Herman Munster
: But son, I thought you wanted to be just like me, That's what you always used to say, wasn't it? . Eddie Munster
: Sure pop, but that was just when I was a dumb kid.
: [recounting the dynamite incident
] And then there was this terrible explosion, and the next thing I knew I was lying in the gutter three blocks away, and Spot was licking my face. Eddie Munster
: Then what did you do? Herman Munster
: We took a taxi home. Eh, of course, when we got here, I made Spot give it back to the driver.
: Uhm, Eddie, I came up here to have a little talk to you. Uhm, man to man. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Mom made you, huh?
: Boy, mom, you sure have a lot of recipies here. Cesar salad, beef Stroganoff, Napoleon brandy, Bloody Mary. Lily Munster
: Yes Eddie, and at one time or another, they were all friends of the family.
: Now don't you think you should run along to bed? Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Okay. Lily Munster
: Have you done everything? Have you put away your toys and brushed your fangs?
: Was daddy playing poker all night with the men from the office? Lily Munster
: No, dear.
[Herman serves Lily breakfast
] Eddie Munster
: He must have done something pretty bad to be acting this mushy!
: It's real neat having you back, pop. While you were gone I had to mess up my homework by myself!
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: My motto is: don't be a high school drop out, drop out in grammar school.
: Oh Eddie, we should have left you at home in bed. Eddie Munster
: What for? You know I can't go to sleep till it's light out.
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Hey mom, can I take Spot to school today? Lily Munster
: Not today Eddie, Spot's being punished. He got out last night and ate all the neigbor's trash cans.
: Oh Herman, what are we going to do? Herman Munster
: Well, I guess someone will have to go to the park and protect her. Lily Munster
: I'll get my coat. Herman Munster
: No. Lily, I'll go alone. Lily Munster
: Oh, you can't go out there alone! Eddie Munster
: Why don't you take Spot with ya? Herman Munster
: Hah! Spot's afraid of his own shadow. Herman Munster
: [glances a look at Spot's shadow
] Come to think of it, I don't blame him.
: Eh, may I ask what you have in the pillowcase? Eddie Munster
: Just the stuff I'll need to last me for the next twenty years. Herman Munster
: Twenty years? Well, I hope you had enough forethought to include a razor. Eddie Munster
: No, 'cause I'm gonna grow a beard and let rats build their nests in it.
: [Grandpa, Herman and Eddie are out fishing
] Golly, I haven't had a bite since we got here. Grandpa
: Patience, Eddie, patience. Eddie Munster
: But gee, wouldn't it be better if we fished in a stream with water? Herman Munster
: Eddie, anyone can fish in a stream with water in it. This is a challenge. The kind of challenge the youth of today is so badly in need off.
: I guess it's okay for pop to have a hobby. Lily Munster
: Yes, but I hope he doesn't get into trouble with this one. Remember last time? He tried to make a ship inside a bottle. We had to break the bottle to get him out.
: Boy, wait till I tell all the kids at school that my very own grandfather was a jailbird. Grandpa
: Not a jailbird, a jailbat!
: Eddie, I am very upset with you this morning. I told to keep Spot's water dish filled out in the yard. Last night he got thirsty, he went down the street, and drained Mr. and Mrs. Haslett's pool. Eddie Munster
: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Lily Munster
: Well Mrs. Haslett just phoned. She was very embarrassed when her husband went out for his morning dip, and dove into an empty pool. Marilyn Munster
: What kind of a neigborhood is this, where people begrudge a poor dumb animal a drink of water?
: Eddie? Are you in bed? Eddie Munster
: [from inside his room
] Yes, but I can't stay awake! Lily Munster
: You'll be able to, dear, just lie there with your eyes open, dear.
: We were a little curious, where did you get all that gold? Eddie Munster
: Yeah, uncle Gilbert, where did you get all those neat Spanish Dubloons and rare gold pieces? Uncle Gilbert
: Oh, those! Why, Eddie my boy, that's, eh, loose change I picked up in ships and treasure chests lying around in my neighborhood. Eddie Munster
: No foolin'? Uncle Gilbert
: Sure, that's one reason I wouldn't live any place else in the world. Oh, there's a lot of advantages, my boy, to being the creature from the Black Lagoon.
: Grandpa? Grandpa
: Yes pal? Eddie Munster
: In 1623, after Duke Ferdinand Fregosi put a curse on it, what did he do with the ring? Grandpa
: Threw it out the window. Eddie Munster
: And you found it? Grandpa
: It changed hands until 1888 and then I won it from Jack the Ripper in a poker game. Marilyn Munster
: Well, did you know it had a curse on it? Grandpa
: No, not until I tried to sell it in Transylvania. Nobody would even give me a grubnitz for it!
Edward "Eddie" Wolfgang Munster
: You never let me have any fun! I'm gonna hold my breath and turn myself back into a toad!
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Boy, this is the neatest thing that's happened since Grandpa dug up Spot for me.
: Eddie! You take those curlers off your ears this minute! Eddie Munster
: Nobody is gonna notice me with just plain pointed ears. Can't I curl them just a little? Lily Munster
: No you can't. Herman Munster
: Eddie, your mother is right. We don't want any child of ours going to school and being stared at.