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: I think I'll break the news to your uncle Herman gently. His birthday's coming up week and, eh, you know how he feels about strange people in the house. Marilyn Munster
: Yes, you'd better tell him while he's in a good mood. We wouldn't want him to go all to pieces. Lily Munster
: No, I know. It's such a nuisance putting him back together again.
: [Herman and Lilly are resting on the balcony in the rain
] We had weather just like this on our honeymoon, remember? What a beautiful spot that was, Devil's Island. Lily Munster
: Too bad they closed it down. Seems like all the really nice resorts are gone.
: Uncle Herman's not around, is he? Lily Munster
: No, he took Spotty down to the carwash for his weekly bath.
: Are you Diamond Jim? Diamond Jim
: Yes, ma'm.How do you do? Lily Munster
: I'm Mrs Munster. Diamond Jim
: Oh. Lily Munster
: I called here about an hour ago. Are you the one I talked to? Diamond Jim
: Eh no, it, eh, must have been my brother, Diamond Irving.
: Excuse me, lady, but were, were you ever in the movies? Lily Munster
: Oh yes, just last Saturday night, we saw a lovely picture: The Body Snatchers.
: Was daddy playing poker all night with the men from the office? Lily Munster
: No, dear.
[Herman serves Lily breakfast
] Eddie Munster
: He must have done something pretty bad to be acting this mushy!
: What I'm dying to know is: when. When the child is due. I mean approximately. Lily Munster
: Approximately? I can tell you exactly. It's a boy, he'll arrive at nine o'clock tomorrow morning and his name is Elmer.
[Herman is stunned
: Herman, you certainly have a good heart. Herman Munster
: Best money can buy.
: Herman, I don't want you going out. You already had a sinus attack today and you're not looking well. Uuu, you even got colors in your cheeks. Herman Munster
: Why don't you go to your room? Grandpa Munster
: Why should I? Any place I hang myself is home.
: [Lily is describing her husband to a pair of detectives
] Ears? Lily Munster
: Hm. Two. Well, they're not a matched set, but only the family can tell.
: Herman has a very distinctive latern jaw and piercing eyes. And ah, classic nose... oh, and an overhanging forehead. Mr. Kempner
: An overhanging forehead? Lily Munster
: Yes, it keeps the water out of his eyes when he's in the shower.
: I'd hate to lose Herman... he's one in a million. Mike
: [after Lily leaves the office
] One in a million? From the description I'd say the odds are a lot higher.
: Why all the formality, Aunt Lily? It almost seems like the reading of a will... Lily Munster
: I'm afraid it's not that happy an occasion.
: Herman, I'm so sorry. I never should have blamed you for doing anything wrong, pussycat. I'll never mistrust you again, in all my lives. Herman Munster
: There, there, Lily, I forgive you dear, but I always want you to remember this. I want you to remember one thing: In the great vegetable market of life, I have never been one to pinch the tomatos.
: With all these problems, I've been neglecting my house to house calls. Marilyn Munster
: Well, Bundles for Transylvania is a worthy cause. Why back in the old country, they should get down on all fours and thank you for what you've done.
: Lily, you may not believe this, but I'm secret agent 702. Lily Munster
: Herman, you may not believe this, but I'm Sonny Liston.
[Knocks him out with one right hook
: Eddie, I am very upset with you this morning. I told to keep Spot's water dish filled out in the yard. Last night he got thirsty, he went down the street, and drained Mr. and Mrs. Haslett's pool. Eddie Munster
: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Lily Munster
: Well Mrs. Haslett just phoned. She was very embarrassed when her husband went out for his morning dip, and dove into an empty pool. Marilyn Munster
: What kind of a neigborhood is this, where people begrudge a poor dumb animal a drink of water?
: What's new in the paper, Grandpa? Grandpa
: Oh, nothing much. Hey, the New York Museum is sending some archeologists to Transylvania. Lily Munster
: Hm, well I hope they don't dig up anyone we know.
: They asked me down their office and I signed the contract and they start shooting me tomorrow. Lily Munster
: Shooting you? Herman Munster
: Lily, that's a showbusiness expression, like, eh, roll 'em, lights, action, anchors away, that kind of stuff.
: Oh Herman, I just can't wait to see your face on a wide screen. Forty feet wide and twenty feet tall. The audience's eyes will just pop out!
: Herman, you had us so worried, one of these days you'll put us all in an early grave. Grandpa
: Isn't that just like Lily, always looking at the bright side of things.
: [Lets out a burst of flame
] Lily Munster
: Don't panic Spot! Turn down your burner, give us a chance to think!
: [Grandpa and Herman are arguing
] Oh stop it you two! You'll wake the dead again! Grandpa
: That's right Lily, go right ahead, take his side. But I know what's going on, you just can't wait to see me in my grave. Lily Munster
: Oh Grandpa, we've seen you there lots of times before.
: [about Grandpa
] Last time we had a family spat, he turned himself into a frog and lived under the porch for weeks. Herman Munster
: Yes, and I've never seen him happier. He could croak every night.
: I'm the one who let him go, I'll go get him. And don't worry dear, I'll bring him back, dead or alive. Lily Munster
: Oh Herman, you're always so optimistic.
: Lily, I feel terribly conspicuous dressed the way we are for such a shabby place. Lily Munster
: Well, let's hope it'll be nicer inside and not one of those beatnik joints. If there's anything I can't stand, its weird people.
: Excuse me deary, I was just admiring your ring. Lily Munster
: Oh, thank you. The Woman
: Oh, it's simply gorgeous. Rhinestone? Lily Munster
: Oh, no, no, tombstone.
: [watching Grandpa's magic act
] His magic's been getting so rusty. Herman Munster
: I know... The way he's been carrying on lately, he couldn't produce a rabbit on Easter Sunday.
: Boy, mom, you sure have a lot of recipies here. Cesar salad, beef Stroganoff, Napoleon brandy, Bloody Mary. Lily Munster
: Yes Eddie, and at one time or another, they were all friends of the family.
: Silly bird. When is he going to stop picking that mailmans bag? The Raven
: Ne'er more, ne'er more.
: That's a good boy, Eddie. You polish Spotty's scales 'till you can see your face in them.
: [reading Herman's goodbye note
] Goodbye forever. I can never raise 20.000 dollars, so I'm doing the noble thing by running away like a rotten coward. Lily Munster
: P.S. If someday my miserable bones are washed up on a desert island, do not bother to send for them, as they won't be worth the parcel post charges. Signed Herman Munster, ratfink.
: [jumping in front of Herman who is facing a firing squad
] Shoot if you must this square, green head, but you'll have to kill me first, she said.
: So you see Herman, when that woman hit you with her car, she thought she disfigured you. Herman Munster
: Well I just don't understand it, it was the same handsome face I've had all my life. Lily Munster
: It's like I always say: you should never leave the house without shaving.
: Oh, you've been reading in the dark again, it will ruin you're eyes and then we'll have to get you another pair.
: Lily, just look at this: a hundred and three dollars for electricity!
[the lights go out as he hands her the bill and loud noises emerge from the dungeon
] Lily Munster
: Well, you know, Grandpa needs a lot of electricity to carry on his experiments in the dungeon. Herman Munster
: Why can't he have his dungeon in the attic, where there's plenty of light?
: It just so happens that right now I am working on a fabulous invention that will make this family some big money! Lily Munster
: What kind of invention? Grandpa
: I'm not talking. Why, that's the way Eddison got the electric light away from me.
: What are you talking about? Herman Munster
: The thing! The horrible thing! You we're right, Lily, it grabbed me in the park. It was awful. It had two heads and four long blue arms!
: Oh Herman, what are we going to do? Herman Munster
: Well, I guess someone will have to go to the park and protect her. Lily Munster
: I'll get my coat. Herman Munster
: No. Lily, I'll go alone. Lily Munster
: Oh, you can't go out there alone! Eddie Munster
: Why don't you take Spot with ya? Herman Munster
: Hah! Spot's afraid of his own shadow. Herman Munster
: [glances a look at Spot's shadow
] Come to think of it, I don't blame him.
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Hi everybody, this is Googie Miller. Googie, this is my mom Googie Miller
: Hi. Lily Munster
: Hello, Googie. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: ...and this is my cousin Marilyn Googie Miller
: Like Wow! Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: And this is my grandfather... Googie Miller
: Hi. Grandpa
: Hi. eh, What are you staring at, my little man? Googie Miller
: I've never seen a penguin smoking a cigar before
: Dinner's just about ready, Herman. Would you please blow out the candles? Herman Munster
: Yes dear.
[the candles are blown out and curl down under Herman's mighty breath
] Herman Munster
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Gee, I'm sorry. Lily Munster
: If you go with bad companions, some of it is bound to rub off on you. Herman Munster
: Exactly. Which brings to mind a famous old quotation: he who lies down with dog, gets up with fleas. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Who said that, daddy? Herman Munster
: I'm not sure, I think it was the man who trained Lassie.
: [Grandpa's setting up a huge mousetrap at the bottem of the stairs, with the intention of trapping Googie
] What are you doing? Grandpa Munster
: Well, Lilly, he as a handbuzzer. Can't I just play a little harmless practical joke on him? Lily Munster
: Put that away! Grandpa Munster
: I never get to have any fun anymore.
: [after Googie puts nitro in Grandpa's caldron
] Have you seen Grandpa? Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: [Explosion in dungeon and Grandpa goes flying out into the rafters
] Here he comes now! Lily Munster
: What happened to you? Grandpa Munster
: [beaten up and clinging to rafters
] Never mind what happened to me. Wait 'till you see what happens to Googie.
: What's the subject of your school composition, Eddie? Eddie Munster
: 'My parents, an average American family'. Lily Munster
: Fine, dear. When your father comes to, I'm sure he'll be able to help you with it.
: I guess it's cold rhinoceros sandwiches again tonight!
: How do I look? Lily Munster
: Oh, just fine, Eddie. Did you wash up? Eddie Munster
: Sure. I brushed my fangs and washed behind my points.
: I'm going into the kitchen and see to it that the cheese dip doesn't crawl out of the dish.
: Eddie, ehm, Spot's in the kitchen. Whey don't you take him out in the yard and help him bury someone?
: Now, are there any questions? Grandpa
: Eh, yes, there is one. Eh, why do we need a master plan to go to a drive-in movie? Lily Munster
: Grandpa, Herman has a very mechanical brain. In fact, I believe it once used to belong to an old mechanic.
: What movie is playing tonight, Herman? Herman Munster
: 'The Beast that ate Louin New Jersey', a critical succes from coast to coast.
: It's times like this when it's comforting to have a father who's a mad scientist.
: [to Grandpa
] Well, do something! Don't just sit there enjoying the obituaries!
: [on the phone
] Herman? Oh, oh, you, you great big sweet lump of sweetness, you're safe!
: Oh Marilyn! Oh my! Those circles under you're eyes! How lovely you look today. Marilyn Munster
: Well, I wish I felt as well as a look. I just haven't been able to sleep for the last two nights. Grandpa
: Have you tried hanging from the rafters with your head down, like I do? Marilyn Munster
: I'd like to, Grandpa, but I just don't seem to have the toes for it.
: I'm just dead on my feet. Lily Munster
: Isn't everyone?
: Man, this is certainly a fascinating theater you got here. Lily Munster
: Oh, this isn't a theater, this is our home.
: Mr. Prince, I have to be frank with you. Poor Marilyn is, well, to put it bluntly, less attractive than the rest of the family. Herman Munster
: You might say she's the 'ugly duckling'. Dick Prince
: And you want me to kiss her? Grandpa
: Well, you can close your eyes.
: Oh Herman, you're so sweet and thoughtful. When they made you, they broke the mold. Herman Munster
: The doctor always was a butterfingers.
: Name? Lily Munster
: Mrs. Lily Munster. Mr. Haggerty
: [writing it down
] Lily... Lily Munster
: Oh, if you don't mind, I'd rather use my maiden name. Mr. Haggerty
: Well, that's entirely up to you, eh, what is your maiden name? Lily Munster
: Dracula. Mr. Haggerty
: Dracula? That's, an... unusual name. Lily Munster
: Oh, not at all. Why, back in the old country the woods are full of them.
: Age? Lily Munster
: 137. Mr. Haggerty
: No, no, not your weight, your age. Lily Munster
: That is my age.
: What is Ramon like? Lily Munster
: Well, he looks a little bit like Cary Grant. Poor man.
: Hello dear.
[kisses Herman on the cheek
: [thinking Lily is cheating on Herman
] Can you spare it?
: Well maybe Grandpa could help us out. He's very well off. Lily Munster
: He was, he was. You know the expression, "You can't take it with you? Well Grandpa did.
[Lily walks to the doorway then turns around
] Lily Munster
: The only trouble was -- he forgot to bring it back.
: Who were you calling? Herman Munster
: Oh, I was just trying to make an appointment at that new barbershop. Lily Munster
: What's wrong with your old barber? Herman Munster
: Oh Lily, he always made me very nervous, dear, the way he'd always blindfold himself before he'd give me a shave.
: Are you sure that silly sleeping pill of yours will wake him up at ten tonight? Grandpa
: Hm. Sure I'm sure! I'll bet one of my lives on it.
: Miss, this is our curator, Dr. Wilkerson... Lily Munster
: How do you do? I was just admiring your museum. You have such lovely dead things on exhibit.
: Oh Grandpa! Why can't you experiment on white mice like any other normal mad scientist?
: Mom, if we do rent the place, can I use some of the money to buy Spot a new toy? Lily Munster
: Oh Eddie, we gave him a foreign sports car for Christmas, he played with it a couple of times, and then he threw over the back fence.
: Hey mom, can I go out and walk around the ledge? Lily Munster
: Oh no, no, Eddie, you might fall off and hurt somebody.
: [listening to The Standells perform
] You know Herman, they do have a certain... style. Herman Munster
: Yes, they are rather razzmatazz!
: Oh dear, I think he's going to recite! Herman Munster
: Ibbedy bibbedy, sibbedy sab. Ibbediy bibbedy canal boat. Dictonary down the ferry. Mary, Mary quite contrary. Ehm... Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy lost his hair. Scooba doo and scooba dye. That's chicken's not too young to fry. Live is real, live is ernest. If you're cold, turn up the furnace. Eh, I, I thank you.
] Man with the beard
: Man, that guy is deep!
: Marilyn, if you should happen to meet any strange men on board, be sure and speak to them. Herman
: That's right, dear. Don't let your... unatractiveness make you self conscious.
: Mom, how come pop inherited an English title? I thought he was made in Germany. Lily Munster
: Well you see, Eddie, at an early age, your father left doctor Frankenstein's lab in Germany... Herman
: [Herman puts a monocle over his eye and looks in the mirror, which promptly shatters
] That's right, son. Lily Munster
: ...and then he arrived in England and he was adopted by a family called Munster, who gave him their name.
: Oh! Freddie Munster, you're not a very nice person! Freddie Munster
: I am a thorough rotter. Like all the Musters before me, and proud of it!
: [Lily and Grandpa are 'borrowing' a couple of horses
] Grandpa, what if we get caught? Grandpa Munster
: Listen, it won't be the first time I was hanged as a horse thief.
: [slightly annoyed
] What is so funny? Herman Munster
: It's this joke book. Listen to this one, Lily, It'll kill ya. Lily Munster
: Well, it's a little late for that, but go ahead.
: Herman, if you hadn't spend so much time reading that joke book, we could have been here an hour ago. Herman Munster
: Sorry dear, but you know how hard it is to put a book down in the middle of a joke.
: What's the matter with him? Lily Munster
: You know how squeamish Herman is. He always faints at the sight of oil.
] I think our Eddie has just become a man. Grandpa
: And the hard way, not like you, Herman!
: He didn't even mention the L.E.T.T.E.R. Marilyn Munster
: You're absolutely R.I.G.H.T Lily Munster
: I'd better not find out he's becoming a P.H.I.L.A.N.... A.N.... Eddie Munster
: I don't know what you guys are talking about, but 'philanderer' is spelled P.H.I.L.A.N.D.E.R.E.R.
: There's an ancient Transylvanian proverb we used to have in the old country: always put the shortest chain on the oldest wolf.
: Are you really going over to Clyde's? Lily Munster
: I certainly am. I think that Herman is meeting his female penpal at Clyde's apartment. Marilyn Munster
: What if you find out it's true? Lily Munster
: What will I do? I will take Herman apart so that even Dr. Frankenstein couldn't put him back together again.
: Maybe Grandpa's right. My poetry's so rancid I can't ever remember it.
] Herman Munster
: My life was nothing until your sweet presence... Lily Munster
: Until your sweet presence breathed the breath of love into my soul... Herman Munster
: Lily, you remembered it! Lily Munster
: Of course, Herman. And I don't think your poetry is rancid at all. Herman Munster
: Dear, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me! Lily Munster
: Hm, thank you, sugarfang.
: Oh, wait till grandpa's relatives in the old country hear about this, they'll really sit up on their hind legs and take notice.
: Did you hear something, Lilly? Lily Munster
: Oh that's just Spot, dear. He's had indigestion all morning. Herman Munster
: Oh. Yeah, I guess he got out again and got a hold of some bad telephone poles.
: Grandpa, I wonder how Herman's making out with Eddie. He's upstairs now, trying to calm him down. Marilyn Munster
: Well I had no idea he'd be so upset about moving and leaving his friends. Grandpa Munster
: I know how it is. In the old country I was always getting attached to my friends and neighbors. Especially at night.
: I'm gonna go down to the parlor and tell Mr. Gateman that I just can't take the new job. Hm. Lily Munster
: Oh Herman, Herman, he'll be dissapointed so let him down gently. Herman Munster
: Lilly, have no fear. In my business, we always let people down gently.
: My father and I were very close. And he used to give me such wonderful advice. I remember one day he said to me: son, as you go through life, always bury your mistakes. Lily Munster
: Bury your mistakes? Grandpa
: Yes, you see, my father never believed in divorce.
: I have a business propostion for Mr. Munster, and I wonder if, eh, I could talk to you alone? Herman Munster
: Eh, eh, certainly. Would you excuse us? Lily Munster
: Of course, dear. Grandpa
: In case you need me, Herman, just give me a howl. Marilyn Munster
: [Lily, Marilyn and Grandpa move off
] I wonder what the business propostion is, Aunt Lily. Lily Munster
: I don't know, but the last time a man talked to Herman alone, he wound up buying a second hand Edsel!
: I think this whole thing is ridiculous! Imagine, Herman, a grown man of a 150 years old, playing baseball with young men of 55 and 60.
: Oh Herman, you must realize how much we all love you and need you, each in our own way. And I most of all. Herman Munster
: Thank you Lily.
[Herman starts sobbing
] Herman Munster
: Now look what you've made me do! I haven't cried like this since they canceled 'Kukla, Fran and Ollie'.
: Now you get on up to bed, and don't forget to close the lid.
: Well, If you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever. Lily Munster
: I have to do something about it? Why always me? Herman Munster
: It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day. Lily Munster
: You think you're the only one who works hard? How would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day? Grandpa
: Will you stop the arguing? There's enough noise in here to wake the living.
: Lilly, it just came over me. You've never looked more lovely. Lily Munster
: Strange, I was just thinking how particularly handsome you look this morning. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Isn't anybody going to say how lovely I look?
: Morning, Aunt Lily. Lily Munster
: Good morning, dear. Marilyn Munster
: I'm late. I gotta run. I'll grab a cup of coffee at the school cafeteria. Lily Munster
: Very well, dear. Try not to get home before dark.
: I don't know why uncle Herman wants to get become mixed up in racing. Lily Munster
: You know Herman, he always has to be a hero to his son. Marilyn Munster
: But I didn't know he knew anything about automobiles. He's really full of surprises. Lily Munster
: Full of surprises? You should have seen his X-rays after his last physical. They're some things in there that the doctor's couldn't figure out at all.
: Herman, this is the worst thing you've done since you bought us that mausoleum at the cemetery, and we couldn't move in because there were no kitchen privileges. Herman Munster
: How did I know it was a restricted community and they wouldn't take live people?
: You know, Eddie, I used to be a great racing fan back in Transylvania. Oh, I had such gay times going to the wolf tracks and betting on our family.
: [Eddie is chewing on a couple of rusty nails
] Eddie, stop biting your nails.
: The Munsters, mind you, the entire family, has won a membership to the Mockingbird Hights Country Club
[the entire family cheers
] Lily Munster
: Oh Herman, oh, that club is so exclusive! Why, you know, you have to wait for one of the members to pass away before you can even be considered for membership. Herman Munster
: I know, that's what's so wonderful. Once we're in, we can stay forever. Grandpa Munster
: As far as I can recall, no member of my family ever passed away for good.
: Grandpa, this place is depressingly cheerful. But I suppose this modern decor is what they go in for.
: This ensemble has a cape made of tufted coffin lining in a lovely shade of cemetery grey. This little number was very inexpensive. The fabric is made of black widows webs, and the underslip, pure unborn centipede.
: It's just lucky you didn't run into that fiend this morning when you were playing there. Herman Munster
: Don't say such a thing, dear If I ever came face to face with a frightening, horrible creature like that, it would scare me out of a hundred years growth!
: Is pop home yet? Lily Munster
: Not yet, dear. But be patient. He'll be home in two shakes of a wherewolf's tail.
: I thought you were coming as Rock Hudson? You look like Rudolph Valentino. Grandpa
: Musta have gotten a hold of some old pills. Well, at least I'm still in the 20th century.
: [Herman has amnesia and has been legally adopted by Lily
] Oh mommy? Lily Munster
: Yes? Herman Munster
: I just remembered Lily Munster
] You did? Herman Munster
: I remember I keep forgetting to ask you what happened to your husband? Lily Munster
: Well, he... he... Grandpa
: Well, he, he's no longer with us. Lily Munster
: Oh, that's too bad. I sure would like a poppa. Even Captain Midnight has a poppa. Lily Munster
: We hope he may come back someday Lily Munster
: I certainly hope so. But if he doesn't, I'm sure a keen looking chick like you will have no trouble finding a new one.
: Grandpa, how old is Herman, I keep forgetting? Grandpa
: Well, they started working on 'em right after the war of 1812. They ran into a... shortage of parts at the medical school... I'd say they sewed up the job around 1850.
: [on the phone
] Eyes? Lily Munster
: [on the other end
] Two. There wasn't room for any more. Police Sergeant
: I mean what color. Police Sergeant
: Oh, oh, well, one's brown, and one's chartruese. They thought it would match his complexion.
: Now, Lily, don't get upset until you've seen him. After all, you know that the police have been mistaken about Herman before. Lily Munster
: I suppose you're right, Grandpa. Last time he fell asleep in the park, we had to pick him up at the mortuary.
: Oh, what do you have in the jar, Eddie? Eddie Munster
: It's my science project for school. It's a Black Widow spider. Lily Munster
: Oh, that could be dangerous. You be real careful when you take the spider out of the jar, Eddie, so that nobody hurts it.
: The last time they made a present for Eddie, it broke loose and swallowed a milktruck.
: [to Eddie
] Oh, eh, before you go to bed, be sure to put on the heavier lid. It's going to be chilly tonight.
: We ought to get to the bottom of this at supper. Herman Munster
: Well, it may not be that serious, Lilly. It may have just slipped her mind. Things are always popping out of my head... Lily Munster
: Yes, but with you, we can always put them back in.
: Well I'm surpised that he never learned to dance when he was younger. Lily Munster
: Well, when other young men were going to parties and dances, I'm afraid he was always tied up at the laboratory.
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Hey mom, can I take Spot to school today? Lily Munster
: Not today Eddie, Spot's being punished. He got out last night and ate all the neigbor's trash cans.
] Grandpa, chow time! Grandpa
: [shouts back over the noise of his machinery
] Just start without me. I'm inventing a machine that's going to achieve on world peace! Lily Munster
: We're having broiled shark and tossed centipede salad. Grandpa
: [to himself
] Well, the world waited this long, it can wait a bit longer.
: Look what I found, tucked a way in my files: Herman Munster
: What is it, plans for a condominium in Transylvania? Grandpa
: No, It's your original blueprint! Lily Munster
: The original? Grandpa
: Correct! Lily Munster
: The one they followed when they, when they put him together? Herman Munster
: How did you get it? Grandpa
: [reading the inscription
] To our favorite Count Dracula, a souvenir from Dr. Frankenstein and all the guys and galls. Lily Munster
: Isn't that sweet.
: ['Aunt' Herman is off to work as a cocktail waitress
] Good night, dear
[blows Lily a kiss
] Lily Munster
: Goodnight, dear.
[blows a kiss in return
] Lily Munster
: Oh, eh, don't let the customers get fresh.
: [about the raven
] When is that silly bird gonna get girls of his mind? The Raven
: Ne'er more, ne'er more.
: It's so hard to find a good vacationing spot since the closed down Devil's Island.
: Don't you just love to watch a fire? Grandpa
: Lily, I've seen Chicago, San Francisco and the burning of Rome. You've seen one, you've seen them all.
: I'm gonna break a long standing American tradition. I'm gonna be nice to my son in law. Lily Munster
: How kind and noble you've become since you started reading Mary Worth.
: When it comes to talent, Herman Munster is complete washout. I'm just gonna have tell my little boy that his daddy is a great big stupid lox. Lily Munster
: No, dear, you're a great big lovable lox.
: Grandpa! How can you act like that? After all Herman has done for you. Why, if it wasn't for him, you'd still be back in the old country, hanging around in some damp old cave, scratching fleas out of your wings and wondering who your next square meal was coming from!
: I can't quite put my finger on it, but somehow that woman seems strange. Lily Munster
: Doesn't everybody? You'll learn to live with it dear, I have.
: [Lily wakes up Herman in the middle of the night
] Herman? Herman Munster
: What? Lily Munster
: Listen... Herman Munster
: I don't hear anything. Lily Munster
: That's it! The shutters have stopped squeaking. Herman Munster
: Lily. You're always not hearing things. Go to sleep.
: Uh, do any other members of your family live with you? Lily Munster
: No, they're all dead. Lydia Gardner
: I see. Passed away? Lily Munster
] No, they haven't gone anywhere. They're just dead.
: This lump of clay is Marylin's new project for art class. She has to sculpt something out of it. Marilyn Munster
: Oh, maybe I could do a bust of a classical greek. Like Apollo, or Achilles, or... Grandpa
: Seymour. Lily Munster
: Who's Seymour? Grandpa
: Who's Seymour? Seymour Akkalacsis, he was a famous greek taxidermist back in Transylvania. He used to stuff all the guys mother in laws for free room and board.
: Oh, my, that mailman certainly keeps his distance, since that time Spot burried him in the backyard. Herman Munster
: Some people get so annoyed with pets.
: I mailed his picture into the contest after the deadline. Lily Munster
: I don't understand, he's supposed to be meeting with the commity now. I wonder who he is talking with? The last time he met with strangers, they sold him the Vic Tanny franchise for Greenland. Grandpa
: Don't worry about it, Herman has a good head on his shoulders. Nothing in it, but he's got a good head on his shoulders.
: [Grandpa is sowing a skirt for Marilyn
] Oh, these remnants that Herman brings home from the lining room at the parlour make lovely pleated skirts. Marilyn Munster
: And Grandpa, you're so good at sowing things together. Lily Munster
: Well, with Herman in the family, you develop a knack for it.
: There goes a fine husband. Marilyn Munster
: There goes a fine father. Grandpa
: There goes a nut if I've ever seen one.
: Oh father, you make everything so clear and concise and logical. It's almost like having David Brinkley for a daddy.
: Marilyn, are you sure you won't be frightened staying here alone? Marilyn Munster
: Oh of course not, Aunt Lily, how could I be frightened staying in a friendly old house like this?
: Oh, Herman, isn't it a lovely night? Herman Munster
: Yes. I hope the moon doesn't come out and spoil it all.
: Oh Herman, we've got to get him out of his cage tonight. Tomorrow they're shipping him off to the New York Zoo! Eddie Munster
: Yeah, you gotta get Grandpa. Some kids are always bragging about their grandpas in heaven, what are they gonna say when I tell 'em my grandpa's in the zoo?
: I was hoping you'd come home. We have a much more serious problem. Herman Munster
: Really? Did Grandpa blow up the dungeon again?
: Oh Marylin, this is Mr. Moose Mallory and his father. Marilyn Munster
: How do you do? Moose Mallory
: I'm mighty glad to meet you, Ma'm. I declare, you're prettier than a bucket full 'o hoglivers. Marilyn Munster
] Oh, thank you very much.
: Look at the eggs they have in there.
[reaches into a cupboard and pulls out a watermelon sized egg
] Moose Mallory
: Big 'uns too. Lily Munster
: We have vultures in the back. Moose Mallory
: Well, I'd hate to reach under one of them.
: Did you ask him why he was so definite about quitting school? Herman Munster
: Wel, no.
[waving his newspaper in the air
] Herman Munster
: With Little Orphan Annie in such a mess, I guess I just didn't come round to it.
: I want you two to stop fighting. Now. Now you make up and bury the shovel.
: Eddie, don't get your beard in your soup.
: Be careful, eh, those office parties can get a little wild... Herman Munster
: Dear, eh, you don't have to worry about me, dear. I'm no Water Cooler Casanova. As a matter of fact, I'm so square, that I understand that some of the secretary's are starting to refer to me as Herman the Cube.
: Now don't you think you should run along to bed? Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Okay. Lily Munster
: Have you done everything? Have you put away your toys and brushed your fangs?
Dr. Harvey Baxter
: Now, tell me something about your background. For instance, where were you born? Lily Munster
: Transylvania. My father is a Count. Dr. Harvey Baxter
: And your husband? Lily Munster
: No Count. Dr. Harvey Baxter
: Bitterness is not the answer. I meant where was he born. Lily Munster
: Oh, my husband was made, doctor, not born Dr. Harvey Baxter
: Oh yes, of course, that's fine. Every woman should think her husband is a self made man. Lily Munster
: Oh, he had help... Dr. Harvey Baxter
: No look, tell me, is there another woman? Lily Munster
: No, the doctor quit after Herman.
: Golly, when Eddie first mentioned the idea of bronco busting to me, it sounded kinda like a fun thing. Lily Munster
: But dear, the last time you were on a merrygoround horse, you had to wear a safety belt. I don't want you to go through with this. You'll just go out and get yourself killed. You're only 152 years old. And I won't have you cut down in the prime of your life.
: It certainly was nice of Uncle Herman to get us this private Box. Lily Munster
: Well, we Munsters always feel more at home in a box.
: Uncle Herman is certainly showing the spectators what he's made of. Lily Munster
: Yes, and I hope we can replace the parts!
: [at the diner table
] Eddie, Eddie, don't just sit there. Wolf down your food.
: Herman, you and your stories. Sometimes you act so childish, it's hard to believe you're a 150 years old.
: Oh Herman, You can't expect to be a big hero and save a boy's life every day. Normal people like us just don't have exciting adventures all the time. Herman Munster
: Well, my life is duller than most. The most exciting thing that happened to me before this was 20 years ago. When a man stopped me on the street and asked me if I was voting for Al Flanden.
: Eh, what's on tonight's menu? Lily Munster
: Aha! Iguana soup, salamander salad with centipede dressing... Herman Munster
: Ah! Lily Munster
: ...and rolled hyena foot roast. Herman Munster
: Oh goody, that's just what Mr. Gateman likes. Nothing fancy, just plain old cooking.
: Eh, Mr. Gateman, would you care for some more pie? Mr. Gateman
: Mrs. M, seeing as I'm in a gay, party mood, I would love some.
: Eddie should go to college, after all, his father was a college man. Lily Munster
: How long were you in the Heidelberg University, dear? Herman Munster
: How long? I was in their medical school for six years... in several different jars. Grandpa
: Yes Lily, your husband was a man of parts!
: [Herman is on the phone
] Well, I hope that's not another salesman on the phone trying to sell us more cemetery plots. We have enought trouble making the payments on this place without thinking of resort property.
: Herman, you certainly have a good heart. Herman Munster
: The best money can buy!
: [to Herman
] That's right, dear, don't be afraid, you just show him who you're made of!
: [not trusting Grandpa's crystal ball
] That crystal ball has never been the same since Spot sat on it for three days and tried to hatch it.
: Is the hamper all packed, Aunt Lily? Lily Munster
: Yes, yes, oh, I've even brought a jar of ants. Grandpa
: Good idea. Lily Munster
: Yes, it would be just our luck to get there and have none of the little dears show up and spoil our picnic.
: Now Grandpa, what do you mean, you don't know? Are you sure you don't have a wife in Sioux city? Grandpa
: Well, I'm pretty sure, you know after all I've been married quite a few times, and, a man 378 years old does have a tendency to outlive a wife or two.
: [about Grandpa
] Just between you and me, you know those fangs he's always talking about? They're just dentures.
: Eddie, what are you doing up in that tree? Come down here this instant. Eddie Munster
: I won't. I'm gonna stay up here till I croak. 'Cause Nobody loves me. Nobody cares! Lily Munster
: Oh, Eddie, we all love you. We love you from the bottom of your little hooves to the top of your little pointed ears.
: [reading aloud a letter
] Dear Mrs. Munster, I wanna thank you all for sending me to live with uncle Garret and aunt Mina on their lovely ranch in Death Valley. I'm looking forward to visiting Eddie and all of you on vacations. Signed, your loving robot, Boris. Isn't that a sweet letter? Grandpa
: Yeah, you know, he writes pretty good for a kid I slapped together in a couple of hours.
: Hey mom, how come Grandpa and dad aren't having dinner with us? Lily Munster
: Well, Grandpa said they had to go out tonight on important business. Eddie Munster
: But Grandpa didn't even take his shuffle!
: Hey mom, maybe dad's out playing poker with some men , and when he comes home you'll have to yell at him and make him sleep on the sofa. Lily Munster
: Eddie! Where did you get ideas like that? Eddie Munster
: From television. Lily Munster
: You see, Marylin. It's just the way I told you. Those shows on television about horrible families have a definite effect on children.
: Your Uncle Herman just isn't the lucky type. Like that time a few years ago, we won those cruise tickets on the Titanic, at the last minute he couldn't get time off from work.
: Stop it! Grandpa, now blow out your fingers and behave.
: What I want to know is, what's Herman been doing this past week after he left the house every morning? Grandpa
: He's been out looking for work. He's had five jobs in five days. You can't ask for a better record than that, he's a perfect failure!
: I tell you, Pussycat looks up to you the way Richard Chamberlain looks up to Raymond Massey. Mr. Gateman
: Mrs. Munster, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
: Oh dear, I just feel as though it's all my fault. Grandpa
: Now Marilyn, don't blame yourself. Your uncle Herman is a born loser. Lily Munster
: Grandpa, you know that Herman is a kind, trusting soul, with a great faith in his fellow human being. Grandpa
: You know a better way to be a loser?
: Grandpa, isn't it wonderful the way Marilyn's handicap brings out the natural sweetness in people?
: [Herman is looking for Grandpa
] Oh, I can't imagine where he is. He knows the reporters are coming this afternoon. Herman Munster
: I guess he's gone somewhere, but the question is: when will he come back? The Raven
] Ne'er more! Herman Munster
: You stay out of this.
: Eddie? Are you in bed? Eddie Munster
: [from inside his room
] Yes, but I can't stay awake! Lily Munster
: You'll be able to, dear, just lie there with your eyes open, dear.
: Herman , haha, you're so cute. You give me vulture bumps all over. Herman Munster
: I do have a certain build in charm...
: I hope Marylin has as wonderful a wedding as we had, Herman. Oh, it was so touching when that mad scientist gave you away and they presented me with a copy of your blueprints. Herman Munster
: Yes, dear. I just hope whereever Marylin is tonight. she's looking into a pair of eyes as romantic as mine.
: Eddie, you should always listen to your father, because under that sweet, boyish countenance, he has the wisdom and understanding of an Art Linkletter. Grandpa
: [rolling his eyes
] Oh boy!
: Eddie, go to your room. Eddie Munster
: But mom, us guys are having a ball clobbering guys.
: Say, listen, why don't you send her to that man who does your hair? Phoebe Munster
: Well, I don't think that would do any good, he's just a beautician, he's not a miracle man.
: If you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever. Phoebe Munster
: Me? If I don't do something about it soon? Well, I always have to do something about it. It's me, always me. Herman Munster
: It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day. Phoebe Munster
: You think you're the only one who works hard? Hah! Well, how would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day?
: I wonder if this would've happened sooner if I breastfed. Herman Munster
: I have to assume you're talking about Eddie. Lily Munster
: Evidently it's important. Herman Munster
: You were so nervous about holding him after what your sister did to Marilyn. Lily Munster
: Well, that was post-partum.
: Next full moon, you'll have a pet who'll watch over you, so you won't hurt yourself or anybody else. Eddie Munster
: Will it watch over you too? Lily Munster
: Yes, he'll watch over me too. Eddie Munster
: A dog can't stop a werewolf from eating somebody. Herman Munster
: This one can.
[Herman whistles and a dragon appears
] Eddie Munster
: [pets dragon
] Do I get to keep him?
: Oh Herman, you're such a monster sometimes.
: [hangs up the phone
] Oh, deary me. Grandpa
: What's the matter, Lily? Lily Munster
: The mayor's planning to blow up Herman in about ten minutes!
: Eddie, you naughty, naughty boy! you traded your grandfather for a squirrel?
: You know, there is something strange, Lilly. Before we took off, this plane was filled with people. As soon as we came on and set down, they all got up and left. Lily Munster
: Well, I guess maybe they just came to see somebody off.
: Eddie! You take those curlers off your ears this minute! Eddie Munster
: Nobody is gonna notice me with just plain pointed ears. Can't I curl them just a little? Lily Munster
: No you can't. Herman Munster
: Eddie, your mother is right. We don't want any child of ours going to school and being stared at.
: Grandpa, I just had a terrible thought. Do you think Dr. Frankenstein could have gotten mixed up? I mean, taken Herman and left me Johann? Grandpa
: Of course not, Lily. Heheh. Anyway, if you ask me, there's not enough difference to worry about.
: [after exanining an unconsious Herman
] I hate to say this, but, eh, you called me a little too late. There's nothing more I can do. Lily Munster
: What do you mean? This is just a fainting spell, he's had these before. Grandpa
: Well, about eight or nine times in the last one hundred years!
: Well, it was very nice of Mrs. Farber not to send for the police after the way Herman acted. Marilyn Munster
: Mrs. Farber was very understanding. As a matter of fact, she said whenever her husband goes on a diet, he acts hardly human. Becomes a regular fiend.
: After you hear what I have to say, your marriage will be peaches and cream again. Herman Munster
: I hate peaches. Lily Munster
: I hate cream!
: That dream I had last night was the straw that broke the dragon's back.
: I just talked to aunt Elvira. She's flying in from Salem... for the Halloween holiday.
: Grandpa, how about you? Would you like to take me to the movies? Grandpa
: Movies? What's playing? Lily Munster
: 'The Killer Werewolf' and 'Vampires of Blood Alley'. Grandpa
: Lily, I go to the movies for escapism. I don't wanna see every day people doing every day things.
: I guess it's okay for pop to have a hobby. Lily Munster
: Yes, but I hope he doesn't get into trouble with this one. Remember last time? He tried to make a ship inside a bottle. We had to break the bottle to get him out.
: [Herman is forcing the family to take a trip to Buffalo Valley instead of the beach
] I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make it, Uncle Herman, I have tests at school. And besides, everyone knows that Buffalo Valley is definitely no place to meet boys. Lily Munster
: Well, perhaps your dear uncle is hoping you might meet some rich, handsome buffalo.
: [to the babysitter
] Well, goodnight Mrs. Morton, make yourself at home. Oh, and if Eddie's pet Spotty comes scratching at the backdoor, don't let him in. Last time he ate the sofa.
: [abou Herman
] Oh dear, he just has to pass that driving test. If he doesn't, he'll lose his job. And you know how reluctant companies are to hire people when they're up in their 150s.
: Who, well, where's Marilyn? Lily Munster
: She went out with Roger Davis. It's the fourth straight date! Herman Munster
: Oh, sounds serious. Last time she was out four nights in a row, she had a job walking the neighbor's dog.
: [Grandpa has just disappeared in a puff of smoke
] I wish he wouldn't do that, it gets ashes all over the floor!
: [having just walked in on Herman and Grandpa spying through binoculars
] Herman Munster, are you looking at Mrs. Kelly doing her deep knee bends again?
: [Taking Marylin's temperature
] Oh! She has a fever: Ninety eight point six. Marilyn Munster
: But, but isn't that normal, Aunt Lilly? Lily Munster
: Oh heavens, no. We Munsters average in the low fifties.
: [to Marilyn
] Hm. A little more toadstool base for Mrs. Harkness.
: You mean to say that Herman couldn't pick a winner on his own? Grandpa
: Lily, he couldn't pick a jack rabbit out of a herd of turtles.