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: Let me take a picture so I can show the guys in the Bat 'n Ball club just how famous my family really is. Grandpa Munster
: Bat club? Hey, Eddie, you could get into that kind of a club on my name alone! Eddie Munster
: Well, I don't know, Grandpa, they don't take just anybody. Herman Munster
: Eddie, we're just not anybody, son. Grandpa Munster
: That's right, Eddie, your fathers a little bit of everybody and your grandpa has got some of the best blood in Europe flowing through them veins...
: [to a wax statue of himself
] Don't do anything I wouldn't do, you rascal!
: I'll never forget it, that face... there was blood dripping from the fangs. Grandpa Munster
: That's impossible! I've been on the wagon for over a year. Herman Munster
: That's right, you can ask 'em down at the B.S.A. Chief Boyle
: The Boy Scouts of America? Grandpa Munster
: Blood Suckers Annonymous.
: [adressing the Cave Girl Robot
] Excuse me, my dear, could I interest you in a little bite? Herman Munster
: Grandpa, she's only a robot. That woman can not talk. Grandpa Munster
: I know... those are the best kind.
: I don't wanna hear one more word about food until I'm being fed! Grandpa Munster
: [Grandpa sees a great amount of money being passed from one person to another
] Holy Transylvania, look at that lettuce! Herman Munster
: What? Grandpa Munster
: What a load of cabbage! Herman Munster
: Cabbage? Grandpa Munster
: I've never seen so much bread! Herman Munster
: Lettuce, cabbage, bread, Grandpa, you've got a mean streak in you!
: [disguised as a waitress
] I hope nobody gets fresh. You know how hard it is for me to say no.
: [disguised as a waitress
] Are my seams straight? Grandpa Munster
: [also in disguise
] They are... Unfortunately, your legs are crooked.
: [trying out his live giving potion on Igor
] Here goes nothing! Herman Munster
: Cross your fingers... Grandpa Munster
: Please. No crosses!
: I wish Grandpa were here and maybe he'd get one of my good ideas.
: [on the phone
] Hello. What? Germany calling? Yes, this Herman Munster. Who? Dr. Frankenstein? Grandpa
: Dr. Frankenstein? He's been dead since 1832. But take the call anyway.
Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV
: [calling on the phone
] Mr Munster, this is Doctor Victor Frankenstein the fourth. I believe you were acquainted with my grandpapa, the original Dr. Frankenstein? Herman Munster
: [on the other line
] Acquainted? He made me what I am today.
: Eddie! You take those curlers off your ears this minute! Eddie Munster
: Nobody is gonna notice me with just plain pointed ears. Can't I curl them just a little? Lily Munster
: No you can't. Herman Munster
: Eddie, your mother is right. We don't want any child of ours going to school and being stared at.
Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV
: Before my grandfather perfected you, if you'll pardon the expression, he had one or two near misses. Herman Munster
: Oh? Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV
: Yes. Johann is one of the rejects. He was discovered, oh, about six months ago living in the woods on the old ancestral Frankenstein estate in Germany. He had managed to survived since 1815. Well, he was terribly uncivilized. Running about the countryside, frightening young maidens and terrifying the populace. Herman Munster
: Well, I did a little of that myself before I got married.
: That rotten old Johann running off with my wife! And on top of everything else, he took my new fishing pole with him!
Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV
: Just fancy that. You mean to say that Johann is rendevouzing at Happy Valley lodge with your wife? Herman Munster
: That's right. And I don't think it's what you English guys call 'cricket'.
: Grandpa, what's the matter with you?
[Grandpa stops waving his flaming torch at Herman
] Herman Munster
: That's no way for a self respecting Republican to act!
: [Lily has locked herself in a closet
] Lily, you come out of there! Grandpa
: Lily, please, open up! Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV
: Do come out, madam, this is Johann's closet!
: Hmm, what smells so good? Herman Munster
: [quite grumpy
] I cut myself shaving.
: Charlie Munster is a scoundrel and a con-artist from way back. Why, the doctor who put him together didn't have an honest bone in his whole laboratory. Grandpa
: Oh, Herman, you're just jealous. Why, having Charlie here in the house is like a breath of fresh earth.
: Lily, he's heard about those five thousand dollars your grandmother left you the last time she died. He's hear to cheat you out of it with that uranium machine.
: [on the phone
] I'm on my way now, with the loot. I gotta blow town quick before my brother finds out. Leo 'Knuckles' Kraus
: [on the other end
] And Charlie, don't do anything cute, or your frame will float.
: [to Lily
] If you don't learn to be more careful, the next time Grandma dies, she'll leave the money to someone else.
: And after I'm finished with this, I'm gonna kick Charlie out of here, every lock, stock and monocle of him.
: For the first time in my life, I've been forced to look myself in the face, and it's a pretty frightening picture. Herman Munster
: I get the feeling I've just been insulted!
: "Car 54, Where Are You?" - when finally discovering the secret of Munster Hall.
: I want to go to the party and put on funny hats and be obnoxious and talk too loud and get stoned- uphold the American image abroad.
: Goodbye Spot, don't eat anybody till we get back!
: Marilyn, if you should happen to meet any strange men on board, be sure and speak to them. Herman
: That's right, dear. Don't let your... unatractiveness make you self conscious.
: Mom, how come pop inherited an English title? I thought he was made in Germany. Lily Munster
: Well you see, Eddie, at an early age, your father left doctor Frankenstein's lab in Germany... Herman
: [Herman puts a monocle over his eye and looks in the mirror, which promptly shatters
] That's right, son. Lily Munster
: ...and then he arrived in England and he was adopted by a family called Munster, who gave him their name.
: Can I get you a bite of breakfast, governor? Herman
: Oh, thank you very much, Cruikshank, eh, but I am not a governor. I never even made Alderman.
: I'm a simple man, a man of the people. You may call me: Lord.
: You are going to sing? Herman Munster
: That's right. And why not? After all, as they used to say: Herman Munster has the finest set of pipes in Transylvania. Grandpa
: Herman, they were talking about your circulatory system, not your singing! Herman Munster
: Very funny.
: And as that great philosopher, Steve Allen, has said on many occasions: jealousy is the stink weed in the garden of life.
: Golly, I don't wanna do the ballet at Eddie's school. People might get the wrong impression. That I was a communist or something.
: When it comes to talent, Herman Munster is complete washout. I'm just gonna have tell my little boy that his daddy is a great big stupid lox. Lily Munster
: No, dear, you're a great big lovable lox.
] What's up, doc? Herman Munster
: Eh, I seem to run out of eggs. Eh, do you think you could oblige? The Raven
: Don't look at me, buster, my name's Charlie.
[retreats back inside his clock
] Herman Munster
: At least he could have made an effort.
: I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Herman Munster, and my family's in the Iron and Steel business. My mother irons and my father steals.
: I haven't been so shocked since the last time I sat in Grandpa's chair.
: Young man, I think we're just gonna have to suspend some of your privileges. No more standing in the closet, no more sleeping in Spot's cage and from now on every night, you're going to have to go to bed while it's still dark. Grandpa
: Isn't that a little severe, Herman? Why, you're positively inhuman.
: [slightly annoyed
] What is so funny? Herman Munster
: It's this joke book. Listen to this one, Lily, It'll kill ya. Lily Munster
: Well, it's a little late for that, but go ahead.
: [about Eddie's robot
] That's amazing. If the top of his head was a little flatter, he'd look possitively human.
: Herman, if you hadn't spend so much time reading that joke book, we could have been here an hour ago. Herman Munster
: Sorry dear, but you know how hard it is to put a book down in the middle of a joke.
: [Eddie's robot has exploded
] I'm sorry Eddie, I've let you down. It's all my fault. Eddie Munster
: What am I gonna do? Herman Munster
: There's nothing to do. I'll just go out and explain. Eddie Munster
: [Eddie tugs his fathers coat
] No dad, that's my job.
: Herman , haha, you're so cute. You give me vulture bumps all over. Herman Munster
: I do have a certain build in charm...
: What are you doing sitting here, here in the kitchen? Don't tell me Spot ate the living room furniture again?
: Listen you two, I am against promoting romance, It will lead to no good. Grandpa
: We don't want it to lead to any good, we want it to lead to marriage.
: I hope Marylin has as wonderful a wedding as we had, Herman. Oh, it was so touching when that mad scientist gave you away and they presented me with a copy of your blueprints. Herman Munster
: Yes, dear. I just hope whereever Marylin is tonight. she's looking into a pair of eyes as romantic as mine.
: Every time there's a crisis, some boob has to telephone!
: We were a little curious, where did you get all that gold? Eddie Munster
: Yeah, uncle Gilbert, where did you get all those neat Spanish Dubloons and rare gold pieces? Uncle Gilbert
: Oh, those! Why, Eddie my boy, that's, eh, loose change I picked up in ships and treasure chests lying around in my neighborhood. Eddie Munster
: No foolin'? Uncle Gilbert
: Sure, that's one reason I wouldn't live any place else in the world. Oh, there's a lot of advantages, my boy, to being the creature from the Black Lagoon.
: What do you think, Grandpa? Will it be a boy or a girl? Grandpa
: [Herman and Lilly are resting on the balcony in the rain
] We had weather just like this on our honeymoon, remember? What a beautiful spot that was, Devil's Island. Lily Munster
: Too bad they closed it down. Seems like all the really nice resorts are gone.
: [Herman is talking to Dr. Dudley who has misplaced his glaces and is unaware of Grandpa's presence
] Eh, doctor, could you answer a question? Dr. Edward Dudley
: Well how do you like that, when I don't have my glasses on I hear double. Herman Munster
: Eh, no, no, this is Grandpa. Dr. Edward Dudley
: [slowly turns his head and tries to size up grandpa with his poor eyesight
] Oh. Looks rather like a tall penguin, doesn't he?
: What I'm dying to know is: when. When the child is due. I mean approximately. Lily Munster
: Approximately? I can tell you exactly. It's a boy, he'll arrive at nine o'clock tomorrow morning and his name is Elmer.
[Herman is stunned
: Herman, you certainly have a good heart. Herman Munster
: Best money can buy.
: Herman, I don't want you going out. You already had a sinus attack today and you're not looking well. Uuu, you even got colors in your cheeks. Herman Munster
] Grandpa, chow time! Grandpa
: [shouts back over the noise of his machinery
] Just start without me. I'm inventing a machine that's going to achieve on world peace! Lily Munster
: We're having broiled shark and tossed centipede salad. Grandpa
: [to himself
] Well, the world waited this long, it can wait a bit longer.
: [talking to himself
] As head of the household, it is my duty to see what my sneaky old father-in-law is up to.
: Mr. Munster? Herman Munster
: [very small voice
] Yes doctor? Dr. Dudley
: It is my considered, expert medical oppinon, that that bolt of lightning was your good fairy.
: Look what I found, tucked a way in my files: Herman Munster
: What is it, plans for a condominium in Transylvania? Grandpa
: No, It's your original blueprint! Lily Munster
: The original? Grandpa
: Correct! Lily Munster
: The one they followed when they, when they put him together? Herman Munster
: How did you get it? Grandpa
: [reading the inscription
] To our favorite Count Dracula, a souvenir from Dr. Frankenstein and all the guys and galls. Lily Munster
: Isn't that sweet.
: ['Aunt' Herman is off to work as a cocktail waitress
] Good night, dear
[blows Lily a kiss
] Lily Munster
: Goodnight, dear.
[blows a kiss in return
] Lily Munster
: Oh, eh, don't let the customers get fresh.
: [Herman and Grandpa are browsing an old family album
] Oh look, isn't that Uncle Boris? Grandpa
: [points at a picture of a man standing under a noose
] That's Uncle Boris alright. He was a real swinger.
: [Grandpa and Herman are looking at Herman and Lily's wedding picture
] The date's right here in the corner. 1865... Herman, doesn't that date mean anything to you? Herman Munster
: Let me see. Oh yeah, I've got it, that was the beginning of the war of 1812!
: You know, Grandpa, when the chips are down, it's nice to have a no good sneak like you to turn to.
: That lady welder and I are just friends. Just because I'm a welder, you know, doesn't mean I'm carrying a torch for her.
: After you hear what I have to say, your marriage will be peaches and cream again. Herman Munster
: I hate peaches. Lily Munster
: I hate cream!
: Dinner's just about ready, Herman. Would you please blow out the candles? Herman Munster
: Yes dear.
[the candles are blown out and curl down under Herman's mighty breath
] Herman Munster
: What's the matter? Grandpa
: I don't know, the brat won't un-monkey
: Herman, we can lock ourselves in the dungeon for twenty or thirty years, till this thing blows over. Herman Munster
: Oh, if we're going to be there that long, I'll need a change of socks.
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Gee, I'm sorry. Lily Munster
: If you go with bad companions, some of it is bound to rub off on you. Herman Munster
: Exactly. Which brings to mind a famous old quotation: he who lies down with dog, gets up with fleas. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Who said that, daddy? Herman Munster
: I'm not sure, I think it was the man who trained Lassie.
: It's not a funny joke when it's at the expense fo your poor, broken down Grandfather. Grandpa Munster
: [with slight bow
] Thank you Herman.
: Now, are there any questions? Grandpa
: Eh, yes, there is one. Eh, why do we need a master plan to go to a drive-in movie? Lily Munster
: Grandpa, Herman has a very mechanical brain. In fact, I believe it once used to belong to an old mechanic.
: What movie is playing tonight, Herman? Herman Munster
: 'The Beast that ate Louin New Jersey', a critical succes from coast to coast.
: The last time you hypnoticed me, I woke up in the morning and my wallet was gone. Grandpa
: Herman, that was just a coincidence.
: I'm in a soriety house. And in a sorority house they have girls. And a married man in a soriety house full of girls means only one thing: San Quintin.
: What was the charge again, Grandpa? First degree chicken chasing?
: Grandpa... eh, you're not writing crank letters to 'Dear Abby' again?
: Grandpa, you are the worlds' oldest goofball!
: Mr. Prince, I have to be frank with you. Poor Marilyn is, well, to put it bluntly, less attractive than the rest of the family. Herman Munster
: You might say she's the 'ugly duckling'. Dick Prince
: And you want me to kiss her? Grandpa
: Well, you can close your eyes.
: Say kids, eh, eh, you can have the car.
[throws Richard the keys
] Herman Munster
: But eh, eh, remember: have it back before twelve or it will turn into a pumpkin!
: Oh Herman, you're so sweet and thoughtful. When they made you, they broke the mold. Herman Munster
: The doctor always was a butterfingers.
: I wonder if this would've happened sooner if I breastfed. Herman Munster
: I have to assume you're talking about Eddie. Lily Munster
: Evidently it's important. Herman Munster
: You were so nervous about holding him after what your sister did to Marilyn. Lily Munster
: Well, that was post-partum.
: Eddie knows I'm lying to him. Grandpa
: He can smell your deceit. You've never raised a werewolf. I have. Herman Munster
: Have you raised one successfully? Grandpa
: My son Leslie was born covered in hair. I knew exactly how to raise him. Herman Munster
: You hired nannies to raise him, and then you let him eat the nannies. Grandpa
: That's what they were hired for. Herman Munster
: I know exactly how to raise Eddie. Grandpa
: You were never a Munster until I made you a Munster. Eddie was born one. There's nothing you have done or can do as a parent that will change that.
: You ate a lion while naked. Grandpa
: The lion was naked. It seemed polite.
: Steve, we will see you at the next Wildlife Explorer meeting. Steve
: Good night. And god bless. Grandpa
] Fat chance. See you later, Steve.
: Next full moon, you'll have a pet who'll watch over you, so you won't hurt yourself or anybody else. Eddie Munster
: Will it watch over you too? Lily Munster
: Yes, he'll watch over me too. Eddie Munster
: A dog can't stop a werewolf from eating somebody. Herman Munster
: This one can.
[Herman whistles and a dragon appears
] Eddie Munster
: [pets dragon
] Do I get to keep him?
: Golly that was real neat. You must be the strongest guy in the whole world! Herman Munster
: Well, with the, eh, possible exception of Lil' Abner.
: Oh Herman, You can't expect to be a big hero and save a boy's life every day. Normal people like us just don't have exciting adventures all the time. Herman Munster
: Well, my life is duller than most. The most exciting thing that happened to me before this was 20 years ago. When a man stopped me on the street and asked me if I was voting for Al Flanden.
: While Grandpa is taking is nap, would you come down to the dungeon and run some more of his home movies for me? Herman Munster
: Sure, which ones would you like to see, Eddie? Eddie Munster
: Oh, how 'bout the track meet in Transylvania you were in, when you were a young guy? Herman Munster
: Oh, you mean that cross country run? Eddie Munster
: Yeah! Herman Munster
: You know, Eddie, I was so far ahead of the pack, the crowd had to run after me with torches to show me the finish line.
: Oh, you're German? Dr. Leinbach
: Ja. Herman Munster
: Oh, by any chance did you know my family doctor in Germany? Dr. Frankenstein. He made me what I am today.
: I don't know what kind of a doctor he is, but you know, he ought to see a psychiatrist.
: [to Eddie
] You do not mumble about me behind my back. Unless you do it to my face.
: Eh, what's on tonight's menu? Lily Munster
: Aha! Iguana soup, salamander salad with centipede dressing... Herman Munster
: Ah! Lily Munster
: ...and rolled hyena foot roast. Herman Munster
: Oh goody, that's just what Mr. Gateman likes. Nothing fancy, just plain old cooking.
: Mr. Gateman, I think we can conservatively say, sir, that you have the best sense of humor in the United States.
: Would you like me to slip off your shoesies? Mr. Gateman
: No. But I would like you're insurance that the music will be confined to either to semi classical or classical. I detest these new sounds like the Black Bottle or the Lambert Walk.
: We ought to get to the bottom of this at supper. Herman Munster
: Well, it may not be that serious, Lilly. It may have just slipped her mind. Things are always popping out of my head... Lily Munster
: Yes, but with you, we can always put them back in.
: Dancing has never been of my strong points. I guess you could say I have two left feet. Grandpa
: That's what happens when they put someone together in the dark.
: Oh boy! He's got his head in the harp again! The Raven
: Agh! What a crack up. Herman Munster
: Eh, watch the face, I'm gonna be a star!
: Mr. Munster! Mr. Munster! Herman Munster
: What is it? Miss Valentine
: The music has stopped! Herman Munster
: Don't bring me back now, I'm too far out! Miss Valentine
: Oh, Mr. Mun... Miss Valentine
: Man, it's wig city!
: Lily, just look at this: a hundred and three dollars for electricity!
[the lights go out as he hands her the bill and loud noises emerge from the dungeon
] Lily Munster
: Well, you know, Grandpa needs a lot of electricity to carry on his experiments in the dungeon. Herman Munster
: Why can't he have his dungeon in the attic, where there's plenty of light?
: What are you talking about? Herman Munster
: The thing! The horrible thing! You we're right, Lily, it grabbed me in the park. It was awful. It had two heads and four long blue arms!
: By the way, what time is it? The Raven
] At the tone, it will be later than you think, ne'er more. Herman Munster
: I had no idea it was that late.
: Oh Herman, what are we going to do? Herman Munster
: Well, I guess someone will have to go to the park and protect her. Lily Munster
: I'll get my coat. Herman Munster
: No. Lily, I'll go alone. Lily Munster
: Oh, you can't go out there alone! Eddie Munster
: Why don't you take Spot with ya? Herman Munster
: Hah! Spot's afraid of his own shadow. Herman Munster
: [glances a look at Spot's shadow
] Come to think of it, I don't blame him.
: Grandpa, you are the greatest! Grandpa
: Son in law, that's the first thing you've said in years that I agree with.
: [Grandpa is reading the paper
] Hi, Grandpa, How are you old chum, old pall, old buddy, old friend? Grandpa
: All right Herman, you don't have to lay it on, you can have the comics.
: [reading a bedtime story to Boris
] Goldylocks and the three bears, oh good. That's my favorite one too. I've been waiting till they make it into a movie with Doris Day.
: Eddie, what are you doing up in that tree? Come down here this instant. Eddie Munster
: I won't. I'm gonna stay up here till I croak. 'Cause Nobody loves me. Nobody cares! Lily Munster
: Oh, Eddie, we all love you. We love you from the bottom of your little hooves to the top of your little pointed ears.
: They asked me down their office and I signed the contract and they start shooting me tomorrow. Lily Munster
: Shooting you? Herman Munster
: Lily, that's a showbusiness expression, like, eh, roll 'em, lights, action, anchors away, that kind of stuff.
: [noticing the title of the book Herman is carrying
] The Method Actor? Herman Munster
: One must dig deep to come up with the perfect character. Grandpa
: You're telling me! That's how I found my first ten wives!
J. R. Finlater
: [Opens a 4th story door, steps through, and falls into the back of a truck on the street below
] Herman Munster
: Say... there's no mother in there... or dog, or... or anything! There's not even a room in there. Alfred Swanson
: They must have moved it. Herman Munster
: [while towering over Alfred in a menacing manner
] I think you fellows were trying to hurt me. You know, if you keep this up, I might get very angry! I might even report you to the Better Business Bureau... so there!
: [after J. R. gets buried in bricks from a stunt that backfired on him
] I never knew making pictures was so hard on writers and directors.
: [about Grandpa
] Last time we had a family spat, he turned himself into a frog and lived under the porch for weeks. Herman Munster
: Yes, and I've never seen him happier. He could croak every night.
: I'm the one who let him go, I'll go get him. And don't worry dear, I'll bring him back, dead or alive. Lily Munster
: Oh Herman, you're always so optimistic.
: Lily, I feel terribly conspicuous dressed the way we are for such a shabby place. Lily Munster
: Well, let's hope it'll be nicer inside and not one of those beatnik joints. If there's anything I can't stand, its weird people.
: [watching Grandpa's magic act
] His magic's been getting so rusty. Herman Munster
: I know... The way he's been carrying on lately, he couldn't produce a rabbit on Easter Sunday.
: See, I've never written mush to girls before. I usually write my mush to flowers and sunsets and waterfalls, junk like that.
: You know, Clyde, it makes me feel very good to have been of some help to you. I mean, there have been hundreds of ghost in my family, but never a ghost-writer.
: Alright, explain it to me, Grandpa, Lily's not here, but she circled Clyde's adress in the phonebook. Grandpa
: Now why would she do that? Herman Munster
: Don't you get it? Clyde told me he met a girl on a bus. Right? Grandpa
: Right. Herman Munster
: Clyde never told me the name of the girl he met on the bus. Right? Grandpa
: Right. Herman Munster
: Every day, Lily takes the bus to go shopping. Right? Grandpa
: Right. Herman Munster
: And Lily acts very funny every time I mention the name of Clyde! Grandpa
: Hmmm. Herman Munster
: So, fears to witt and ergo, the girl on the bus is Lily, and I have been helping sly old Clyde romance her with my letters!
: Maybe Grandpa's right. My poetry's so rancid I can't ever remember it.
] Herman Munster
: My life was nothing until your sweet presence... Lily Munster
: Until your sweet presence breathed the breath of love into my soul... Herman Munster
: Lily, you remembered it! Lily Munster
: Of course, Herman. And I don't think your poetry is rancid at all. Herman Munster
: Dear, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me! Lily Munster
: Hm, thank you, sugarfang.
: If there's anything that's disturbs me, Lily, it's the idea of grown people, like us, dressing up in costume and looking ridiculous.
: [Lily is dressed as Little Bo Peep
] Lily! You've scared me out of a century's growth!
: [Mr. Daly is dressed as Frankenstein's monster
] Uhm, I can't quite place you, Mr. Daly, but you remind me of someone I know. Tom Daly
: Really? Herman Munster
: It's a shame, Mr. Daly, you couldn't get a costume for your own masquerade party.
: [Albert has just run off with his hair standing up in fright
] I must say there was something strange about that boy. He had the weirdest hairdo I've ever seen.
: Good evening, all. Did I overhear my sweet little offshoot contemplating homicide? Grandpa
: A bully was picking on Eddie at school. Eddie just wants to massacre him.
: Eddie, as Sonny Liston said after his last fight: I think it's time to sit down and reevaluate our philosophy.
: I thought you didn't like violence, pop? Herman Munster
: Well, I don't, son, but I think we should be prepaired at all times, and we don't want any more black eyes, do we? Eddie Munster
: Uhuh, if we don't do something by tomorrow, we'll run out of eyes.
] Nobody calls me 'old droopy drawers' and gets away with it!
] Hi Marylin! Come on in and bring your boyfriend. We'd love to have him for dinner!
: Come, on, hurry up, Grandpa, we're all set to go to the drive-in. They're having a Porky Pig cartoon and I wanna get there for the beginning, so I can follow the plot.
: How are you gonna get the frog to drink the potion out of that glass? Grandpa
: Oh, my boy, that's very simple. You see, I'll change the potion into a fly. And then I'll get the stupid frog to eat the fly.
: Grandpa, you blew it again! The spell wore off. I told you not to buy those magic potions in Tijuana.
: And what is this, Tijuana phone book? Herman Munster
: No, this is my Twenty Easy Lessons. See, here's a chapter on how to follow men, see... here's a chapter on how to follow women... and here's a chapter on how to follow men disguised as women.
: Herman, I'm so sorry. I never should have blamed you for doing anything wrong, pussycat. I'll never mistrust you again, in all my lives. Herman Munster
: There, there, Lily, I forgive you dear, but I always want you to remember this. I want you to remember one thing: In the great vegetable market of life, I have never been one to pinch the tomatos.
: Lily, you may not believe this, but I'm secret agent 702. Lily Munster
: Herman, you may not believe this, but I'm Sonny Liston.
[Knocks him out with one right hook
: I saw this add in a magazine at Mrs. Andrews house for something where I can't fail. Grandpa
: What is? Herman Munster
: I'm gonna study hairdressing in my own time and make a fortune with my own beauty parlor!
: Don't you have any brave pills I can take? Grandpa
: I made these in the middle ages for Richard the Lion hearted. Herman Munster
: Did they work? Grandpa
: Did they work? I'll have you know that before he took these, he was known as Chicken Dickie. Herman Munster
: Shall I take some of these? Grandpa
: No, no, no, no, eh, it says they're good only if you're going on a crusade, and, eh, I don't think you wanna take that much time off from work.
: Golly, when Eddie first mentioned the idea of bronco busting to me, it sounded kinda like a fun thing. Lily Munster
: But dear, the last time you were on a merrygoround horse, you had to wear a safety belt. I don't want you to go through with this. You'll just go out and get yourself killed. You're only 152 years old. And I won't have you cut down in the prime of your life.
: Grandpa, have you found anything yet to make me brave? When I think of riding a bucking bronco, I'm petrified! Grandpa
: What are you knocking? Some of my best friends of petrified.
: [having just gotten his thumbs unstuck from his belt
] I guess John Wayne and those other fellows must grease their thumbs before they try that.
: [Eddie is running around the room pretending to be a race car driver and speaking in racetrack lingo
] Lily, I wish you'd keep the front door closed, some strange boy just got in here and is speaking some foreign language.
: Well, aren't you gonna wish me luck, Grandpa? Grandpa
: [Grandpa waves his hand a little
] Drop dead!
: Herman, this is the worst thing you've done since you bought us that mausoleum at the cemetery, and we couldn't move in because there were no kitchen privileges. Herman Munster
: How did I know it was a restricted community and they wouldn't take live people?
: [admiring the Drag-u-la
] Those organ pipes are a very nice exhaust. Grandpa
: I'll have you know, Herman, that this is the only dragster in America that can play 'Oh, promise me' in second gear.
: Hey, maybe our little Eddie's found out about the birds and the bees. I know I didn't sleep for two weeks when hen I found out that their making honey was just a sideline.
: You know, for a rotten old father in law, you're really a fun guy!
: [Eddie won't open his mouth for the doctor
] Will you get him to open his mouth, Mr. Munster? Herman Munster
: If I do, will you give me a lollypop? Dr. Elliott
: I'll give you a hit in the head if he doesn't open up soon, I'll tell you that. Herman Munster
: You heard him, Eddie, now open up your mouth for the nice, ratfink doctor.
: Eddie should go to college, after all, his father was a college man. Lily Munster
: How long were you in the Heidelberg University, dear? Herman Munster
: How long? I was in their medical school for six years... in several different jars. Grandpa
: Yes Lily, your husband was a man of parts!
: Grandpa, don't you know curiousity killed the bat? Grandpa
: But satisfaction brought him back!
: This is not just a wrestling match, this is a shining crusade, a contest on the battlefield of life that will lead you a stronger and nobler person. Herman Munster
: Really? Grandpa
: Of course, the next bum comes along, get in there and kick him in the teeth!
: Oh, Uncle Herman, you're all heart. Herman Munster
: Oh, no I'm not, er, there's lots of other junk in here.
: I got it in here somewhere, let me see, what do we have here? Heh. Oh, a rabbit's foot carried by General Custer. Oh, Mother's day card from Lizzie Borden. Compas off the Titanic. Ah! Here it is!
[cackles with glee
: My radio direction finder. Herman Munster
: Direction finder? Grandpa, that's just an old fashioned divining rod! Grandpa
: True, true, heh, but I had it transistorized last month!
[dials show that the direction finder can be set to find Water, Girls, Metal and Flying Objects
: [Grandpa and Herman think they've found a Martian spaceship
] Grandpa, we're making history! We're Gallileo, Columbus and David Susskind all roled into one!
: Almost three O'clock. Guess I'll go over and take a picture of the bank. I might run into some interesting shooting there.
: Hey green boy, how come you're not in the living room? Herman Munster
: Well I just came in here to stall- eh, I, I mean to see if you were comfortable.
: Say, have you two guys ever heard the joke about the astronaut and the Playboy bunny? Sgt. Baker
: No. Herman Munster
: Well I wish you had, it sounds like a great one.
: If there's anything I hate, it's a smart-alec Robin!
: Oh, Herman, isn't it a lovely night? Herman Munster
: Yes. I hope the moon doesn't come out and spoil it all.
: From now on the most dangerous thing Grandpa is gonna turn into is a one-way street!
: I am not jealous. Why should I care if some smooth mannered, well talking tenant moves right in and tries to take over my image as ruler of the roost?
: [about Chester
] If he's gonna run off with my wife, I wanna make sure he's a man of principles.
: Lily dear, there's going to be a showdown between the forces of virtue and the forces of sin. Just like in Dick Tracy.
: I was hoping you'd come home. We have a much more serious problem. Herman Munster
: Really? Did Grandpa blow up the dungeon again?
Coach Roger Denman
: Now, how tall are you? Herman Munster
: I'm, eh, seven foot three. Jerry
: In your stocking feet? Herman Munster
: No, in my stocking feet I'm seven foot four. I wear very thick socks.
Coach Roger Denman
: What do you mean you won't play basketball for this noble institution of learning? Are you out of your skull? Herman Munster
: Oh, oh, er, no, sir, I, I haven't been out of it for years.
: You know herman, I didn't realize Lily had that much money in her bank account? Herman Munster
: I know. As the hipsters say: that's quite a bag full of bread.
: I know I won't be able sleep 'till that money's back in the bank. The heck with waiting for it to open. I'll take it back tonight!
: Grandpa listen, somebody's working on the door. Grandpa
: It sounds like a big drill. we're being rescued!
] Herman Munster
: A drill? Who wants to be rescued by a dentist?
: I haven't been this excited since the Moon-maid had a baby on Dick Tracey!
: [pointing at Grandpa
] He's the man who did it. There's your man, right there. I was just a poor, dumb tool in the hands of this Svengali. Grandpa
: I say! Herman Munster
: [solemnly holds up his hand
] I have never seen this man before in my life!
: When I turn it on now, You'll have more hair on your head than the barbershop floor. Herman Munster
: Yeah? Grandpa
: Be careful, eh, those office parties can get a little wild... Herman Munster
: Dear, eh, you don't have to worry about me, dear. I'm no Water Cooler Casanova. As a matter of fact, I'm so square, that I understand that some of the secretary's are starting to refer to me as Herman the Cube.
: Grandpa, what am I going to do? I can't spend the rest of my married life sleeping on the couch and eating poon pits Grandpa
: Herman, if you give in now, she'll have the upper hand forever. Aheh, But, If you hold out, she'll come around. That's the way to handle women! Grandpa
: [Herman eats a prune pit
] What are you doing? Herman Munster
: Well, just in case she doesn't come around, I'm gonna get used to eating prune pits.
: Eh Doctor, I think your secretary is taking a sunbath. She jumped out the window and ran up the fire escape to the roof.
: Well, If you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever. Lily Munster
: I have to do something about it? Why always me? Herman Munster
: It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day. Lily Munster
: You think you're the only one who works hard? How would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day? Grandpa
: Will you stop the arguing? There's enough noise in here to wake the living.
: Lilly, it just came over me. You've never looked more lovely. Lily Munster
: Strange, I was just thinking how particularly handsome you look this morning. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Isn't anybody going to say how lovely I look?
: [Mrs. Cribbins is cradling Herman in her arms, as he lies on the floor
] Darling, darling. I love you, my darling. I love you with every fiber in my being.
[Speaks French passionately, then when the love potion wears off, recoils and lets Herman drop to the floor, then creeps away
] Yolanda Cribbins
: Eahhhhh, ewwwww, waaaaa, eaaaaa, eeeeee, AHHHHH! Herman Munster
: [the mailman is kissing Lily until the love potion wears off. He whistles as he walks away casually, then leaps headfirst out a window
] Well, dear. Think we let them down easy enough?
: The Munsters, mind you, the entire family, has won a membership to the Mockingbird Hights Country Club
[the entire family cheers
] Lily Munster
: Oh Herman, oh, that club is so exclusive! Why, you know, you have to wait for one of the members to pass away before you can even be considered for membership. Herman Munster
: I know, that's what's so wonderful. Once we're in, we can stay forever. Grandpa Munster
: As far as I can recall, no member of my family ever passed away for good.
: It's just lucky you didn't run into that fiend this morning when you were playing there. Herman Munster
: Don't say such a thing, dear If I ever came face to face with a frightening, horrible creature like that, it would scare me out of a hundred years growth!
: [after Herman hits his first shot on the par-5 first hole with an eight-iron
] Hey, Dad? Herman Munster
: Hmm? Eddie Munster
: It's in the rough. Herman Munster
: Darn! Eddie Munster
: On the third hole, 1500 yards away. I think you over-clubbed yourself.
: [listening to The Standells perform
] You know Herman, they do have a certain... style. Herman Munster
: Yes, they are rather razzmatazz!
: Oh dear, I think he's going to recite! Herman Munster
: Ibbedy bibbedy, sibbedy sab. Ibbediy bibbedy canal boat. Dictonary down the ferry. Mary, Mary quite contrary. Ehm... Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy lost his hair. Scooba doo and scooba dye. That's chicken's not too young to fry. Live is real, live is ernest. If you're cold, turn up the furnace. Eh, I, I thank you.
] Man with the beard
: Man, that guy is deep!
: [Eddie has just gotten his nose caught in a giantic mouse trap
] I told him to keep his big trap shut.
: Herman, you certainly have a good heart. Herman Munster
: The best money can buy!
: When read my composition to the class, all the kids started laughing and yelling and screaming and stamping their feet. A couple of them even doubled up so bad they had to be carried out of the room. Herman Munster
: Strange the way jealousy affects some people.
: And pop, don't slap the teacher on the back and tell her any of your corny jokes. Herman Munster
: Is it all right if I tell her the one about and sailor the mermaid? Eddie Munster
: You tell her that one and I'll run away from home. Herman Munster
: You just don't want me to sit there and look stupid, do you? Eddie Munster
: That would be fine, pop.
: Now, eh, Mr. Munster, would you mind telling the court just why you're divorcing your wife Lily after a hundred years of marriage? Herman Munster
: Not at all. My psychiatrist advises me, that as an award winning box office giant, my monumental ego requires that I change wives as often as I change my socks.
: [Making animalistic noises, into tape recorder
] Boy, am I scary? Or, am I scary?
: Boy, I ain't kidding, there must be a lot of hanky panky goes on in that business!
[Grandpa and Herman laugh heartily
] Herman Munster
: I just remembered. The hanky they'll be playing panky with is my wife!
: [Grandpa hands Herman a 'Texas Playboy' pill
] Why are the Texas pills so big? Grandpa
: Well, only one eight is chemical, the rest is balloney.
: There's somerhing written on the wall. Eh, you'd better look first, it might be a rude word.
: Are you calling me a freeloader? Herman Munster
: No. I'm calling you a bum. Grandpa
: If you call me a bum I'll throw you down and walk all over you! Herman Munster
: You do, and I'll get you for trespassing!
: I can't impose on Mr. Gateman, he's been so kind to me! He send me that get well card when I was hit by that Diesel locomotive. At Christmas time he send me that big basket of rotten fruit from California. It was so thoughtful of him, I ate it all.
: As we say in business: Let's not start scratching 'till we know where the fleas are biting.
: [Lily wakes up Herman in the middle of the night
] Herman? Herman Munster
: What? Lily Munster
: Listen... Herman Munster
: I don't hear anything. Lily Munster
: That's it! The shutters have stopped squeaking. Herman Munster
: Lily. You're always not hearing things. Go to sleep.
: The policemen say that... that Lydia was trying to kill me? Marilyn Munster
: I'm sorry, Grandpa, but she was the notorious Black Widow Herman Munster
: You see? I told ya, you can't be too careful. When you think of some of the people running around loose in the world today... it's frightening!
: Grandpa, when those reporters show up, I insist you be here. Grandpa
: I won't, I won't, I won't! If you make me, I'll turn into a bone and burry myself in the backyard!
: [Herman is looking for Grandpa
] Oh, I can't imagine where he is. He knows the reporters are coming this afternoon. Herman Munster
: I guess he's gone somewhere, but the question is: when will he come back? The Raven
] Ne'er more! Herman Munster
: You stay out of this.
: [Eddie keeps startling Herman while he's shaving
] Eddie, if I cut my head off with this razor, I'm sending you straight to your room.
: Oh, my, that mailman certainly keeps his distance, since that time Spot burried him in the backyard. Herman Munster
: Some people get so annoyed with pets.
: Well, I, eh, I see by your application that you're aplying for a commercial license. Eh, you're going to be a cab driver? Herman Munster
: Eh, you might say that. Eh, sort of a one way cab driver.
: [Herman has to take an eye-test
] Now then. You see this chart? Herman Munster
: Yes. Charlie Wiggens
: You passed.
: Say, listen, why don't you send her to that man who does your hair? Phoebe Munster
: Well, I don't think that would do any good, he's just a beautician, he's not a miracle man.
: If you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever. Phoebe Munster
: Me? If I don't do something about it soon? Well, I always have to do something about it. It's me, always me. Herman Munster
: It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day. Phoebe Munster
: You think you're the only one who works hard? Hah! Well, how would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day?
: [to grandpa
] You look terrible. All the blood's drained out of your eyeballs.
: This may lead to bloodshed. Grandpa
: Oh, Herman, this is not time to be looking at the bright side!
: Did you hear something, Lilly? Lily Munster
: Oh that's just Spot, dear. He's had indigestion all morning. Herman Munster
: Oh. Yeah, I guess he got out again and got a hold of some bad telephone poles.
: I'm gonna go down to the parlor and tell Mr. Gateman that I just can't take the new job. Hm. Lily Munster
: Oh Herman, Herman, he'll be dissapointed so let him down gently. Herman Munster
: Lilly, have no fear. In my business, we always let people down gently.
: [recounting the dynamite incident
] And then there was this terrible explosion, and the next thing I knew I was lying in the gutter three blocks away, and Spot was licking my face. Eddie Munster
: Then what did you do? Herman Munster
: We took a taxi home. Eh, of course, when we got here, I made Spot give it back to the driver.
: Gee, I don't know, grandpa. I haven't been down in the sewer in a hundred years. Grandpa
: Believe me, they haven't changed.
: I have a business propostion for Mr. Munster, and I wonder if, eh, I could talk to you alone? Herman Munster
: Eh, eh, certainly. Would you excuse us? Lily Munster
: Of course, dear. Grandpa
: In case you need me, Herman, just give me a howl. Marilyn Munster
: [Lily, Marilyn and Grandpa move off
] I wonder what the business propostion is, Aunt Lily. Lily Munster
: I don't know, but the last time a man talked to Herman alone, he wound up buying a second hand Edsel!
: Oh Herman, you must realize how much we all love you and need you, each in our own way. And I most of all. Herman Munster
: Thank you Lily.
[Herman starts sobbing
] Herman Munster
: Now look what you've made me do! I haven't cried like this since they canceled 'Kukla, Fran and Ollie'.
: Did you ask him why he was so definite about quitting school? Herman Munster
: Wel, no.
[waving his newspaper in the air
] Herman Munster
: With Little Orphan Annie in such a mess, I guess I just didn't come round to it.
: Uhm, Eddie, I came up here to have a little talk to you. Uhm, man to man. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Mom made you, huh?
: So you see Herman, when that woman hit you with her car, she thought she disfigured you. Herman Munster
: Well I just don't understand it, it was the same handsome face I've had all my life. Lily Munster
: It's like I always say: you should never leave the house without shaving.
The Legionnaire Capt.
: As a traitor to the French Foreign Legion for dereliction of duty and cowardice under fire, the prisoner is hereby sentenced to death before a firing squad of his former comrades in arms. A last cigarette, monsieur? Herman Munster
: Oh, uh, yes, actually I would,thank you, if you have one with a charcoal micronite filter.
: [handling the paper
] Let's see. To pick a loser... Grandpa
: Herman. Why don't you let Lily pick one for you? She picked a loser when she married you.
: [pointing out the headlines
] Eddie, you see there: Bookraking Ring smashed. Courageous citizen spills beans on mob. Herman Munster
: And It just so happens I was the courageous citizen who spilled his beans.
: Marilyn, I ask you, am I too fat? Marilyn Munster
: Well... Herman Munster
: Never mind! Grandpa
: What are you yelling at Marilyn for, I mean don't you know that fat men are supposed to be jolly?
: [unable to see without his glasses, doctor thinks Herman's hand is a dog
] Now look, I told you once, you gotta get the dog outta here. Herman Munster
: Doc, that's my hand. Dr. Dudley
: You mean you were born with this? Herman Munster
: No, someone else was. And I'll always be grateful. Not everyone will give you a hand when you need one.
: Who were you calling? Herman Munster
: Oh, I was just trying to make an appointment at that new barbershop. Lily Munster
: What's wrong with your old barber? Herman Munster
: Oh Lily, he always made me very nervous, dear, the way he'd always blindfold himself before he'd give me a shave.
: [Herman has amnesia and has been legally adopted by Lily
] Oh mommy? Lily Munster
: Yes? Herman Munster
: I just remembered Lily Munster
] You did? Herman Munster
: I remember I keep forgetting to ask you what happened to your husband? Lily Munster
: Well, he... he... Grandpa
: Well, he, he's no longer with us. Lily Munster
: Oh, that's too bad. I sure would like a poppa. Even Captain Midnight has a poppa. Lily Munster
: We hope he may come back someday Lily Munster
: I certainly hope so. But if he doesn't, I'm sure a keen looking chick like you will have no trouble finding a new one.
: I wanna watch that new western on TV tonight. Where the cowboy's a psychiatrist. And he lassos the bad guys, and instead of shooting them, he ties them to a couch and analyses them.
: Eh, may I ask what you have in the pillowcase? Eddie Munster
: Just the stuff I'll need to last me for the next twenty years. Herman Munster
: Twenty years? Well, I hope you had enough forethought to include a razor. Eddie Munster
: No, 'cause I'm gonna grow a beard and let rats build their nests in it.
: I'm going scuba diving, dear. Eh, and If I run into any any tasty looking scuba's, I'll spear one, we can clean it and have it for supper.
: [Grandpa, Herman and Eddie are out fishing
] Golly, I haven't had a bite since we got here. Grandpa
: Patience, Eddie, patience. Eddie Munster
: But gee, wouldn't it be better if we fished in a stream with water? Herman Munster
: Eddie, anyone can fish in a stream with water in it. This is a challenge. The kind of challenge the youth of today is so badly in need off.
: [talking to the skull of an ox
] All right, don't answer me, you old sorehead! Hmpf! I'll bet you used to give sour milk.
: Herman, what's the matter? Are you afraid of your own shadow? Herman Munster
: No I'm not! I've seen it lotsa times. It hardly scares me at all. Any more.
: Who, well, where's Marilyn? Lily Munster
: She went out with Roger Davis. It's the fourth straight date! Herman Munster
: Oh, sounds serious. Last time she was out four nights in a row, she had a job walking the neighbor's dog.
: Wowie, Zombo's the neatest guy. When I grow up, I wanna be just like Zombo. Herman Munster
: But son, I thought you wanted to be just like me, That's what you always used to say, wasn't it? . Eddie Munster
: Sure pop, but that was just when I was a dumb kid.
: You know, there is something strange, Lilly. Before we took off, this plane was filled with people. As soon as we came on and set down, they all got up and left. Lily Munster
: Well, I guess maybe they just came to see somebody off.