Fat Bastard
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Quotes for
Fat Bastard (Character)
from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

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Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Fat Bastard: Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.
[on the verge of tears]
Fat Bastard: I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself.
Fat Bastard: [Farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead.

Fat Bastard: [Eying Mini-me] Dr Evil. Let me make you a deal. You get the mojo, and you can keep your money. And I'll get your bay-bay.
[smacks lips]
Fat Bastard: I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs.
Young Number Two: Excuse me.
Fat Bastard: *Chili's* baby back ribs.

Fat Bastard: [to Mini Me] I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain. Get in my belly.

Fat Bastard: First things first. Where's your shitter? I've got a turtle-head poking out.
Dr. Evil: Charming.
Fat Bastard: I'm not kidding. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aw, it's squidgy. Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know?

Fat Bastard: [after Felicity kicks Fat Bastard in the crotch] Oh. Right in the mommy daddy button.
Felicity Shagwell: That's for calling me crap, you fatty!

Fat Bastard: Listen Missy, would you fancy another go? 'Cause once you've had fat, you never go back! Ha ha ha!

Fat Bastard: [about Mini-me] Jesus Christ, he's tiny! I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap.

Colonel: We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert.
Fat Bastard: Yes sir.
Colonel: And, uh, try to lose some weight, for God's sake.
Fat Bastard: Yes sir.
[Under his breath]
Fat Bastard: Mister English Colonel tellin' me to lose weight. "Oh, I'm a hard case" he says.
Fat Bastard: Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, baby. The other, other white meat. Baby, it's what's for dinner.

Fat Bastard: I'm dead sexy. You were crap!

Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Fat Bastard: Unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.

Fat Bastard: [looking at the toilet] What? I didn't have any corn!

Fat Bastard: You know what my favorite Helen Hunt movie is?
[twists his opponent's testicles]
Fat Bastard: TWISTER!

Austin Powers: You really are a fat bastard!
Fat Bastard: You know, that hurts my feelings! I tried going on a diet, you know. The Zone, you know, "Carbs are the enemy," eh?
Fat Bastard: [extension from deleted scene] But the portions were so wee I ate the delivery man.

Fat Bastard: I've been tryin' to go legit.
Austin Powers: Of course...
Fat Bastard: But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair will always be tragically skewed...
Austin Powers: Did you just soil yourself?
Fat Bastard: Maybe.
Fat Bastard: It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Ok, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! It smells like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!

Fat Bastard: [moans] This diaper's making my nuts rub together. It's gonna start a fire.

Fat Bastard: Oh great. Isn't this magical?

Fat Bastard: Ahhhhh! Ma titties!