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: Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for blah. And sometimes you find it. But mostly it is blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you are right about the blah's you made and then just when you think you have the whole blah damned thing figured out and you are surrounded by the ones you blah death shows up. And blah blah blah.
: [while arguing whether or not to mercy-kill Bubby
] Yeah, sure. Death is no big deal. Because life is just... blah, blah, blah. Andy Botwin
: Look, Silas. Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for Blah, and sometimes you find it, but mostly it's blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you've got the whole blah damn thing figured out, and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah. Silas Botwin
] Alright. Let's do this. Shane Botwin
: [to Andy
] That was good. Andy Botwin
: I have my moments.
: Life is just blah, blah, blah.
: Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah. Andy Botwin
: Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah...
: Hey Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole? Lupita
: The coffee table.
: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention today that the downside of this business is death, so right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery. I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygeine school so my children aren't orphans. Andy Botwin
: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own. Nancy Botwin
] Now I pledge *never* to die.
: This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.
: [getting a phone call from Celia's kidnapper
] Hello?... Yeah, I know Celia... We're all gonna die. What does that mean anyway? Life is cheap, people die and people have babies... Everyday they're having babies! What's with that? Kidnapper man, I mean, women in their forty's are having babies, doesn't that seem weird to you?... What? No, I'm not gonna pay the ransom... Allo?... Rude.
: It's so wonderful wonderful. Andy Botwin
: What? Nancy Botwin
: You once said that to me.
[Andy is speaking to Shane about masturbation...
] Andy Botwin
: All right, listen closely, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. HAHAHAHAHA!
[Shane stares blankly
] Andy Botwin
: Your little body's changing, and it's all good, believe me. Problem now is every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted, sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So, first order of business: no more socks. They're expensive... gumming up the works, plumbing-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, 'But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?' Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin' the tiger in the shower each morning. That eliminates the need for a goo glove. But the day is long, masturbation's fun... so unless we wanna take four or five showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here. So let's start with the basics. Tissues: perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' Band-Aid. Ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flak-catchers. Specifically bananas. Step one, peel the banana. Step two, slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave - not TOO hot... serious yowza. Also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance... invest in some soon. All right, moving on... when you tug your Thomas on the toilet,
] Andy Botwin
: shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the Raised Sceptre of Love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function... also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right, class dismissed.
[Shane starts to leave
] Andy Botwin
[Shane stops, and Andy tosses him a banana
] Andy Botwin
: Talk to Shane about jerking off. Andy Botwin
: I'm all over it!
: I'm not going to Iraq to fight in some bullshit war about oil money. Doug Wilson
: Bullshit war? What about 9/11? Didn't Iran hide the terrorists? Andy Botwin
: We're fighting a war in Iraq, Doug, and neither country had anything to do with blowing up the World Trade Center. Doug Wilson
: Well, they both have sand. Andy Botwin
: Bush invaded a sovereign nation in defiance of the UN. He's a war criminal, and now I'm supposed to be one of his disposable thugs with a fucking target on my head in the middle of the desert, waiting to be blown up by a car bomb rigged by a 12 year old who loved Friend and Metallica until one of our missiles blew up his house, I don't think so! Doug Wilson
: Well... whatever.
[grabs a key from the drawer and stands up
] Doug Wilson
: Look, I've got a lotta' shit to do... Andy Botwin
: You name me one thing you have to do that's more important than the corporate takeover of our democracy! Doug Wilson
: [holding up the bathroom key
] I've gotta' take a shit.
: They want to send me to Iraq, Lupita. Lupita
: If you can catch me, you can fuck me. Andy Botwin
: Yeah, I'll get my skates.
: It is a shockingly common occurrence in my life that women are gifted unto me, seemingly, with very little effort on my part and at a certain point after the ludicrous bounty, you have to finally wonder why? Is it because I'm so just baseline physically attractive? Debatable. More likely it's cause of this-karma. I motherfuckin' earned it. I was the fecal molecule of a maggot 50 lives ago, 49 lives ago a parasite on a sea cucumber, worked my way up from there paying my reincarnitory dues-coral, an ear wig, a sewer rat, a grackle, Ginny foul, clown fish, ocelot, eventually vaulting up the evolutionary chain to dog, but like a shitty small dog, failed immediately by PARVO or K-9 SIDS, monkey, monkey down to otter, monkey chimp AND then finally human, BUUUUT, oops FUCK, I'm a child sex slave and I live in a whale. But, in all these incarnations, I was good and kind and humble and accepted my fate patiently. So, thus, after an endless series of short, oft, brutal lives... I was finally, finally, FINALLY born as me... Andrew Botwin-effortless receiver of tail. It's just a theory, of course, but if it's not biology and it's not karma then there is a puppet master out there who enjoys watching me get my freak on-and that would mean God basically-and I would have to rethink, well, everything.
: Things with wifey slowing down, huh? Doug Wilson
: It used to be wild. I mean intense, but how do you ask the woman who makes your kids lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass?
] Doug Wilson
: How Andy, how? Andy Botwin
] I don't like this game anymore.
: [Andy tries to kiss her, she pulls back
] Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were hitting it off. Yael Hoffman
: We are. Andy Botwin
: [Andy tries to kiss her again, she pulls back
] Oh, I'm sorry, 'It's too soon since your lover died?' Yael Hoffman
: No, I've been with many men. Helps to get over things. Andy Botwin
[Tries to kiss her again, again she withdraws
] Andy Botwin
: Am I getting mixed messages here? Yael Hoffman
: Look. You're adorable, but I'm not attracted to you. Sorry. Andy Botwin
: Are you a chubby chaser or something? Yael Hoffman
: No - just I like men. Someone big and strong. Someone who can grow a beard. You're pretty, and I could flip you like a pancake. You ask for permission instead of just slamming me up against a wall and f**king me until I come like a volcano. But - we can still be friends, right?
: [steps out of the line
] Ah... Sergeant Bilko? Hi, I'm in the wrong place. The promised me a desk j... Sergeant
: Who the hell gave you the permission to break rank, you flaccid little dick? Andy Botwin
: Yeah, I just want to make sure... Sergeant
: They promise everybody a desk job, you useless twat! Andy Botwin
: Yeah... I have eight toes... Sergeant
: I got four dicks! You better fall back in line before I use one of them to fuck you up the ass with!
: [Outgoing voice mail message
] Hello phone caller, this Andrew, Andrew Botwin. It pains me we couldn't make this instant human connection. Leave a message and while you do it, imagine me listening to it, where I might be at the time, what I might be wearing. Nancy Botwin
: [Leaving message
] Andy, this is me. Got a little delay, I'm on my way now. Thinking you probably don't have cell reception where you are, so you probably won't hear this before I reach you. But, it's making me feel better and preventing me from killing Celia, at the moment. Oh, yes, I forgot to open with that. Celia Hodes is sitting next to me in the car, all the way from Agrestic. How did she get here? I don't know, but when I hear the unbelievably stupid reason that comes out of her mouth, I'm going to fucking kill her!... So, there may be a dead body in the car when I get there, that's just a heads up. I'll be there soon. Oh, and your outgoing message is creepy, please change it.
: Wash your hands. All I need now is for the boys to eat heroin-eggs for breakfast. Andy Botwin
: Right. Cause' then they'd want them every day.
: Is he gonna be okay? Dr. Bertner
: Is he a dancer, professional athlete or foot model? Nancy Botwin
: None of the above. Dr. Bertner
: He should lead a normal life. Nancy Botwin
: Well, I wouldn't go that far. Dr. Bertner
: You know, if you'd brought in the toes, we might have been able to reattach them. Andy Botwin
: [on morphine
] Must find toes. Nancy Botwin
: Oh, Conrad, well - where are the toes? Conrad Shepard
: The dog ate 'em. Nancy Botwin
: The dog ate 'em. Dr. Bertner
: Well that's that. Nancy Botwin
: When's he gonna be able to go home? Dr. Bertner
: He have insurance? Nancy Botwin
: Oh, no. Dr. Bertner
: He can go home now.
: The boys asleep? Andy Botwin
: Yeah. And it's totally freaking me out. Shane's sleeping on my old Star Wars sheets. Silas found one of Judah's Playboys from 1979 under the mattress. Candy Loving on the cover, Dorothy Stratten centerfold. It's beautiful. I'm having jerk-off flashbacks. My old stains... are still on the wall. Nancy Botwin
: My children are sleeping next to their unborn cousins. I'm thrilled.
] I'm glad that our last name isn't Drew. 'Cause then you'd be Nancy Drew and I'd be Andrew Drew.
: [Andy is holding Emma at nailgun point, making her get into his van. Emma thinks is ridiculous, but gets in the van anyway
] It's not like you are going to do anything anyway. Not in broad daylight. Andy Botwin
: [Andy smashed the door hard after her, stars yelling out loud to the people on the street
] Hey, I'm murdering somebody! Killing them. It's bad. Bloody. Does anybody care? No? Living your myopic lives? Okay, cool.
[People don't even look at them
] Andy Botwin
: [Turns to Emma, siting on the van
] See, nobody's pressing pause on their iPod for you.
: He always did have a thing for pinata's. Did he ever hit you Nancy? Nancy Botwin
: I'm not filled with candy.
: [On the phone with Andy
] Do we have our passports? Andy Botwin
: Uuuuh, slight bend in that river. Nancy Botwin
: What? Do we need more money? Andy Botwin
: No, we need Shane. Nancy Botwin
: What? Andy Botwin
: We have to kill somebody.
: Do you think there is rat spit in here? Like plague rat spit. Are we smoking plague? Doug Wilson
: No, no, fire beats plague. As soon as we lit it up it was safe, sterilized.
: Since when do you plan to live in Denmark? Andy Botwin
: Since forever. That's my Moscow; my shangri-la, my Pittsburgh, my candy mountain. Have you never read any Russian literature, you uneducated woman!
: [reading a t-shirt
] "Chris died for your sins." Is that a joke? Andy Botwin
: Yeah, on me. That's what happens when you outsource to fucking Malaysia. 8-year-olds in a sweat shop can't spell for shit.