Doug Wilson
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Quotes for
Doug Wilson (Character)
from "Weeds" (2005)

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"Weeds: Cankles (#3.11)" (2007)
Doug Wilson: Don't you bang that gavel at me, you sanctimonious Jesus freak. You know, your long skirt isn't long enough lady. I saw your fat ankles. Calf, right into ankle. Cankles!
[uproarious laughter from crowd]
Ann Carilli: That's it!
Citizens: Cankles! Cankles!
Ann Carilli: That is it! That is it! This meeting is adjourned.
Doug Wilson: Cankle bitch!
[more outbursts from angry crowd]
Man in crowd: Cankle bitch!
Doug Wilson: Cankle bitch!
Ann Carilli: How dare you?
Councilman: Rude and vulgar.
Doug Wilson: You too. Man cankles! Mankles!

Celia Hodes: Can we have a word?
Doug Wilson: Yeah, sure. How about "Die"?

"Weeds: A Modest Proposal (#5.6)" (2009)
Celia Hodes: You think it's comfortable for me to work in super-sneakers? Well it's not! But I will suffer for my believes. You know who else did that? Jesus.
Doug Wilson: I thought Jesus wore Birkenstocks.

Doug Wilson: We ask ourselves what would Georges Hamilton do.
Silas Botwin: What? Why?
Doug Wilson: The man slept with his step-mother when he was 12 years old, clearly he can do anything.

"Weeds: Van Nuys (#5.5)" (2009)
Doug Wilson: Sometimes I actually think I'm slightly retarded in the mouth.

"Weeds: The Brick Dance (#3.3)" (2007)
Nancy Botwin: [having just heard from Doug that he was having an affair with Celia] Celia?
Doug Wilson: The cock wants what it wants.

"Weeds: Wonderful Wonderful (#5.1)" (2009)
Doug Wilson: Who? Celia? That c*nt can lick my balls!

"Weeds: Roy Till Called (#3.10)" (2007)
Doug Wilson: I can't go to prison. There's no sushi in prison. Unless you count dick!

"Weeds: Protection (#3.14)" (2007)
Doug Wilson: [Celia knocks on the door] Celia! To what do I owe this horror?

"Weeds: If You Work for a Living, Then Why Do You Kill Yourself Working? (#4.13)" (2008)
Doug Wilson: [Talking with Andy about María, who he reported to Immigration] She wouldn't fuck me, but she fucked you, hmm.
Doug Wilson: [Looks at Andy] So fuck her, and fuck you!

"Weeds: The Punishment Lighter (#1.9)" (2005)
Doug Wilson: What did they give you?
Celia Hodes: Zofran.
Doug Wilson: Let me try one.
Celia Hodes: No, they're $300 a pill!
Doug Wilson: I'll give you 400!
Celia Hodes: They don't get you high, it's just for nausea.
Doug Wilson: Wow, $300 a pill and no fun? What a gyp.

"Weeds: Cats! Cats! Cats! (#7.9)" (2011)
Agent Melnick: One of you better start talking, or you're both going down, because we do not fuck around at the SEC.
Doug Wilson: SEC? I've heard of you guys. Yeah, you guys have those federal pension plans tied up with our Mainstay Fund.
Agent #2: What's he talking about?
Nancy Botwin: [to Doug] What ARE you talking about?
Doug Wilson: [to Nancy] Burnt orange. I see numbers as colors. I'll explain later.
[to SEC agents]
Doug Wilson: Five years ago, Uncle Sam bet your retirement funds on our good judgment. It's all right in the files. If we go down, you go down. That's right, meatball. Not only are you gonna let the two of us off the hook, but you're going to give your bosses in DC a ring. Make sure that our firm's road to success is paved with the Feds' good graces, plenty of deregulation, and a laissez-faire sense of letting us do our goddamn job. What's the matter, Agent Scary Lips? Are your scary lips tasting my hairy shit? Are they tasting Doug Wilson's world famous beef stew? How's it going down? Kinda spicy, right?
Doug Wilson: You guys are so fucked right now, all I can think about is your wife and a horse. But go ahead. Take us down. Watch our shares plummet, if you want to retire with our dick in your ass. But it's a whole lot sunnier in Florida.
Nancy Botwin: [Flabbergasted] Doug Wilson, Jesus Christ.
Agent Melnick: Okay... We need think about this.
Doug Wilson: No way. I'm free to go, same goes for her.
Nancy Botwin: [to DEA agents] So, no halfway house? No parole? No calling your friends at the DEA?
Agent #2: He doesn't have any friends at the DEA. Do you, Melnick?
[Pokes him]
Agent #2: Do you, Melnick?
Agent Melnick: [Defeated] No, I don't have any friends at the DEA.

"Weeds: The Godmother (#1.10)" (2005)
Andy Botwin: I'm not going to Iraq to fight in some bullshit war about oil money.
Doug Wilson: Bullshit war? What about 9/11? Didn't Iran hide the terrorists?
Andy Botwin: We're fighting a war in Iraq, Doug, and neither country had anything to do with blowing up the World Trade Center.
Doug Wilson: Well, they both have sand.
Andy Botwin: Bush invaded a sovereign nation in defiance of the UN. He's a war criminal, and now I'm supposed to be one of his disposable thugs with a fucking target on my head in the middle of the desert, waiting to be blown up by a car bomb rigged by a 12 year old who loved Friend and Metallica until one of our missiles blew up his house, I don't think so!
Doug Wilson: Well... whatever.
[grabs a key from the drawer and stands up]
Doug Wilson: Look, I've got a lotta' shit to do...
Andy Botwin: You name me one thing you have to do that's more important than the corporate takeover of our democracy!
Doug Wilson: [holding up the bathroom key] I've gotta' take a shit.

"Weeds: Red in Tooth and Claw (#8.5)" (2012)
[Doug is suddenly shown taking Jil from behind]
Doug Wilson: Is this real-life?
Jill Price-Gray: No. You're dreaming. Now go harder.

"Weeds: A.K.A The Plant (#2.4)" (2006)
Andy Botwin: Things with wifey slowing down, huh?
Doug Wilson: It used to be wild. I mean intense, but how do you ask the woman who makes your kids lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass?
[short pause]
Doug Wilson: How Andy, how?
Andy Botwin: [cowering] I don't like this game anymore.

"Weeds: The Punishment Light (#1.8)" (2005)
Andy Botwin: Do you think there is rat spit in here? Like plague rat spit. Are we smoking plague?
Doug Wilson: No, no, fire beats plague. As soon as we lit it up it was safe, sterilized.

"Weeds: Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood (#2.5)" (2006)
Doug Wilson: Nobody likes your wife. You don't even like her.