Celia Hodes
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Quotes for
Celia Hodes (Character)
from "Weeds" (2005)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Weeds: Lude Awakening (#1.5)" (2005)
Celia Hodes: Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.
Shane Botwin: Everyone thinks I'm weird.
Celia Hodes: Well, I can see how you might give that impression.
Shane Botwin: I really don't care what they think.
Celia Hodes: Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.
Shane Botwin: Really?
Celia Hodes: Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks, and I gotta tell you, I feel great.
Shane Botwin: But you have cancer.
Celia Hodes: And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So either we can feel all self-concious and pretend that everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.
Shane Botwin: Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.
Celia Hodes: For what?
Shane Botwin: For telling me the truth.
Celia Hodes: You're welcome. It's a bitch, though, ain't it?

Celia Hodes: [about her upcoming mastectomy] I'm really gonna miss my babies. We had some good times together.
Nancy Botwin: After reconstructive surgery, you're gonna feel good as new - better! You're gonna have the tits of a nineteen-year-old girl.
Celia Hodes: I was thinking of going bigger.
Nancy Botwin: Bigger?
Celia Hodes: Really big. Like freakshow big. 47-triple-Fs. SO large that other, smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Celia Hodes: I was thinking of going bigger.
Nancy Botwin: Bigger?
Celia Hodes: Really big, like freak show big: 47 triple F's. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.


"Weeds: You Can't Miss the Bear (#1.1)" (2005)
Celia Hodes: [Watching a video of her daughter] I should've had an abortion.

Isabelle Hodes: Did you see my kick?
Celia Hodes: Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isa-belly, now that's what burns the fat.


"Weeds: Cankles (#3.11)" (2007)
Celia Hodes: Can we have a word?
Doug Wilson: Yeah, sure. How about "Die"?

GPS: You have arrived at your destination, the route guidance is now finished.
Celia Hodes: Thank you for guiding me to the fucking post-apocalypse.
Drunk Homeless Man: -Looks into car window...
Celia Hodes: Yes, wonderful. Richest country in the world. Glad to see you're taking advantage of the opportunities offered!


"Weeds: Good Shit Lollipop (#1.3)" (2005)
Celia Hodes: [11 year old Isabelle steps on scale] You've been sneaking food.
Isabelle Hodes: I haven't. I swear.
Celia Hodes: Well, then Congratulations. You must be pregnant.

Celia Hodes: [after Isabelle replaced Celia's diet pills with Imodium AD because of the whole laxative thing] I'm a little backed up. A lot backed up. I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like a bloated, African, famine baby...
Dean Hodes: Wow, could it be Newton's third law of motion, or lack of motion in your case, illustrated right here in our bathroom? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Celia Hodes: What are you talking about?
Dean Hodes: Karma, baby!
Celia Hodes: Fuck you and your Karma.
Dean Hodes: Fine, shit on my theory. Oh, but wait - you can't! I guess that makes me right, huh?


"Weeds: Risk (#3.13)" (2007)
Celia Hodes: I want to be part of the team, one of the cool kids! What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?
Conrad Shepard: There ain't nothing for you to "do" but collect your rent every month.
Celia Hodes: Oh, sure. Everyone gets to have fun except me. Well, fuck that shit! I am here to kick ass!
Conrad Shepard: Who's ass?
Celia Hodes: Whoever gets in my way! Come on, let me do something fun. Come on. Please? I'm on a real high, here, do not bring me down!
Conrad Shepard: Okay, Gangster Barbie, I will figure something out
Celia Hodes: You'll see, I'm good. I'll be ready, I will not disappoint you, I'll be a great soldier!
Conrad Shepard: I'm sure you will. Hold this?
Celia Hodes: Helping Daddy, aren't I? Hahahahaha!

Celia Hodes: I want to be part of the team, one of the cool kids! What can I do? What can I do? What can I do?
Conrad Shepard: There ain't nothing for you to "do" but collect your rent every month.
Celia Hodes: Oh, sure. Everyone gets to have fun except me. Well, fuck that shit! I am here to kick ass!
Conrad Shepard: Who's ass?
Celia Hodes: Whoever gets in my way! Come on, let me do something fun. Come on. Please? I'm on a real high, here, do not bring me down!
Conrad Shepard: Okay, Gangster Barbie, I will figure something out
Celia Hodes: You'll see, I'm good. I'll be ready, I will not disappoint you, I'll be a great soldier!
Conrad Shepard: I'm sure you will. Hold this?
[Hands over pliers]
Celia Hodes: [Playing with fliers] Helping Daddy, aren't I? Hahahahaha!


"Weeds: Corn Snake (#2.1)" (2006)
Celia Hodes: So what about "Celia Hodes: It's Time For Change."
Pam: And then we show a big clock, and like instead of numbers, there are nickels and dimes and quarters. Get it? "Time for change." Isn't that cute?
Celia Hodes: Yeah, that's retarded.
Pam: That is not very nice. I have a nephew who's retarded and he has to wear a helmet.

Celia Hodes: No-no-no-no no, no, that's grownup juice, not for you.
Isabelle Hodes: When can *I* have some grownup juice?
Celia Hodes: When you have a daughter who drives you to it.


"Weeds: Cooking with Jesus (#2.2)" (2006)
Lupita: I'm sorry about your car.
Celia Hodes: Do you know who hit me? Is she one of your maid friends? What's her name?
Lupita: I don't know, we just call each other "maid friend."


"Weeds: Dead in the Nethers (#1.6)" (2005)
Celia Hodes: Who's the hottie?
Nancy Botwin: My carpenter, Conrad. Conrad, this is Celia.
Celia Hodes: Hello, carpenter. Do you want to see something?
[Celia begins to lower her shirt revealing her tattoo]
Nancy Botwin: Celia, you have to stop flashing your boobs to the world -
Conrad Shepard: Oh, speak when spoken to.


"Weeds: Last Tango in Agrestic (#2.3)" (2006)
[while attempting to join in with her daughter at boot camp, Celia loses her balance and falls. All the other participants gather around her... ]
Celia Hodes: [to Isabelle] He bullied me into this...
Ricardo: No Ricardo's fault...
Celia Hodes: [protesting] I went through Chemo...
Older Woman #1: Hah, I went through Chemo...
Older Woman #2: Oh, me too...
Celia Hodes: Yeah? Well I had radiation.
Older Woman #1: I had radiation.
Older Woman #2: So did I.
Celia Hodes: ...Plus I'm low blood sugar...
Older Woman #1: ...Type I Diabetes...
Older Woman #2: ...Type 2 for me...
Celia Hodes: [frustrated] Oh, fuck you both...
Older Woman #1: [gently pats Isabelle on her shoulder] Sweetheart, don't worry... your Mom's gonna' be just fine.
Isabelle Hodes: [looks at her] Please! That bitch'll out-live us all.
Celia Hodes: I heard that...
Isabelle Hodes: Good!
[turns to the others and claps her hands twice]
Isabelle Hodes: Alright, pip, pip! We're here to exercise, not here to stand around. Come on!
[runs back to the group, leaving her mother still lying on the ground]


"Weeds: A Modest Proposal (#5.6)" (2009)
Celia Hodes: You think it's comfortable for me to work in super-sneakers? Well it's not! But I will suffer for my believes. You know who else did that? Jesus.
Doug Wilson: I thought Jesus wore Birkenstocks.


"Weeds: Excellent Treasures (#4.6)" (2008)
Celia Hodes: What's in the hole?
Nancy Botwin: Mexico.
Celia Hodes: [gasps]
Nancy Botwin: You must never go there.


"Weeds: The Punishment Lighter (#1.9)" (2005)
Doug Wilson: What did they give you?
Celia Hodes: Zofran.
Doug Wilson: Let me try one.
Celia Hodes: No, they're $300 a pill!
Doug Wilson: I'll give you 400!
Celia Hodes: They don't get you high, it's just for nausea.
Doug Wilson: Wow, $300 a pill and no fun? What a gyp.


"Weeds: Free Goat (#1.2)" (2005)
Tennis Pro: I think I better get going.
Celia Hodes: No, sit your skinny ass down. You're a good listener.
Tennis Pro: Thank you.
Celia Hodes: Fuck you. How 'bout another round?


"Weeds: Crush Girl Love Panic (#2.6)" (2006)
Director: What seems to be the problem?
Celia Hodes: The problem is that they don't know how to style my daughter. Why is it that all you gay men hate women SOOOO much?
Director: Because we have mothers like you.
[to the hair stylist]
Director: Okay, you, the hair. Security, the mother.
Celia Hodes: I beg your pardon.
Director: I want her off my set.
Celia Hodes: Control freak.
Director: Horror show.
Isabelle Hodes: [gleefully] I love show business.


"Weeds: Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood (#2.5)" (2006)
[Celia and Nancy are having a disagreement about Nancy's half-hearted work on Celia's campaign for City Council]
Celia Hodes: ...If you can't make time for the pressing problems of greater Agrestic...
Nancy Botwin: That's exactly it - I can't make time. I've got problems at home.
[starts for the door]
Celia Hodes: [with a concerned look on her face, Celia follows] Really? Do you wanna' talk about it?
Nancy Botwin: I don't wanna' talk about it. i just wanna' go home.
Celia Hodes: Ya' know, I tell you about my husband's unemployment, my daughter being the face of America's trans fat...so...tell me what's going on with you? Please? Nancy...
Nancy Botwin: [not wanting to hurt her feelings] ...Celia...
Celia Hodes: Aren't we friends?
Nancy Botwin: I just wanna' go!
Celia Hodes: [disappointed] You can't even say it. You don't want to be my friend!
Nancy Botwin: [gestures toward Celia] Everything is not about you, Celia!
[Nancy turns to leave. As she walks away, Celia reaches out, grabs Nancy's hair from behind and gives it a hard tug before letting go]
Nancy Botwin: [turns around totally shocked, yells] What the fuck are you doing??
Celia Hodes: [grabbing Nancy's hair again with a desparate look on her face] Be my friend!
[the two begin to twirl in a circle, Celia pulling Nancy's hair while Nancy grabs Celia's arm trying to make her let go]
Nancy Botwin: Oww!! Let go of my fucking hair...
Celia Hodes: Be my friend!!!
Nancy Botwin: [nearly frantic] Let go of my fucking hairrrr!
Celia Hodes: [just as frantic] Be my Goddamned motherfucking friendddd!!!!!
Nancy Botwin: Owwww!!!
[when Celia finally lets go, Nancy quickly gets to the front door]
Nancy Botwin: Your insane!
Celia Hodes: [lowering her voice as she repeats] Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!
[the two women glare at each other in mutual shock for a moment, then Nancy walks out]
Pam: [in the cheeriest voice imaginable] You two are just like sisters!