Mort Goldman
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Quotes for
Mort Goldman (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

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"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort... do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter, are you EATING those?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt... of course I'm eating them!

Peter Griffin: While I'm at it give me all these copies of "Marie Claire." Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort Goldman: Kathleen Turner's on page 45.
Peter Griffin: Kathleen Turner... ehh? Let's see how she looks.
[glances at the magazine]
Peter Griffin: Aww, that's a shame.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I'll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It's like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk.
Mort Goldman: All right, Peter. That'll be $7.22.
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn't bring any money.
Mort Goldman: Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab...
Peter Griffin: What, you mean I wouldn't have to pay you?
Mort Goldman: Well, not right away...
Peter Griffin: In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start...

"Family Guy: Episode VI: It's a Trap (#9.18)" (2011)
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: I hate that stupid fish man.
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: I say when we're done with this, we go over there and fry him up in a skillet.

Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational.
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: What's that mean?
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: It's fully functional!
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: I still don't get it. I'm 5.
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: Bang, bang, boom, boom!
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: Bang, bang, boom, boom? Damn, that thing's operational!

"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: [checking the mail, she jumps when the mailbox explodes] AHH! What the hell?
[seeing Peter up in the house with a sniper rifle]
Lois Griffin: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Peter Griffin: Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.
Mort Goldman: [approaching] Good morning, Lois.
[Peter fires another shot, which misses]
Mort Goldman: [ducking] Ahh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, for god's sake! I am so sorry, Mort.
Mort Goldman: No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me.
[another fired shot whizzes past, and Mort ducks again]
Mort Goldman: Hey, Joe!
Joe Swanson: [off-screen] Hey, Mort!

"Family Guy: You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives (#4.25)" (2006)
Mort Goldman: I don't like that statue, and I don't like the contraction 'apostrophe E-M'. As far as I'm concerned, his name is Dig Them. You're not welcome here, Dig Them!

"Family Guy: Road to Germany (#7.3)" (2008)
Brian Griffin: [Brian, Stewie and Mort are stuck in Warsaw Poland during the invasion] Stewie, the return pad isn't working!
Stewie Griffin: Yeah and you know what's not gonna fix it, your shouting.
Mort Goldman: Oh God. Should we ask somebody for help?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah right. How many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.

"Family Guy: Family Gay (#7.8)" (2009)
[last lines]
Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again?
Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie.
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal.
[the horse crashes through a window and lands on the table]
Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!