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: Jed, ain't you always told me that part of that money is mine? Jed Clampett
: That's right, one quarter. Daisy Moses
: One quarter? 25 cents out of all them millions? Jed Clampett
: I mean one fourth of all I got.
: i cain't just take my money outa Mr. Drysdale's bank without a good reason. Daisy Moses
: I'll give you plenty of reason. Has Mr. Drysdale ever took us out like Mr. Cushing done last night? Has Mr. Drysdale ever brung me a orchid? Has Mr. Drysdale ever danced with me like Mr. Cushing done? Jed Clampett
: Well no Granny, but Mr. Drysdale's got a wife. Mr. Cushing's a single man. Jed Clampett
: There's the best reason of all.
: Mr. Drysdale won't give me my money! He's been slippery footin' around here like a hog on ice. If you ask me, he ain't got it.
: Did you get our 45 million from Mr. Drysdale? John Cushing
: Every cent of it. It's all safe and sound, right in the Merchants Bank. Jed Clampett
: That's dandy. We'd like to see it... in cash. John Cushing
: I haven't got it. Jed Clampett
: Well Granny? Daisy Moses
: Dogged if he didn't go through it quicker than Mr. Drysdale. Jed Clampett
: I think we'd be better off back with him.
: You've got the money, ain't you Mr. Drysdale? Milburn Drysdale
: Well of course, but... Jed Clampett
: Well then go ahead and give it to her. Milburn Drysdale
: Well all right, I'll have a check drawn up. Daisy Moses
: Hold it right there! I don't want no check. I want my money... cash. Milburn Drysdale
: Cash? Daisy Moses
: Cash. Jed Clampett
: We do favor cash. Milburn Drysdale
: I haven't got 11 million. Daisy Moses
: You see, I told you, he spent it!
: What kind of a cook are you? Daisy Moses
: I'm a cook with a stove that don't draw, food that's froze solid, chickens that can't be caught, eggs that can't be broke and a smart-alecky city woman tellin' me my business. Jane Hathaway
: Mind your tongue little woman I can have your job. Daisy Moses
: You sure can and the sooner the better.
: Hey Jed, this here is dandy soil. Jed Clampett
: Fine Granny, we'll commence to plowin' tomorrow. Milburn Drysdale
: But this is Beveryl Hills. Jed Clampett
: Dirt is dirt.
: What are we cooking for Mr. Clampett? Daisy Moses
: Well I don't know what you're cookin', but if he wants any vittles from me, somebody better shoot a possum. Jane Hathaway
: Possum? Daisy Moses
: You got a better idea? Jane Hathaway
: But of course, a nice fluffy souffle. Daisy Moses
: All right. You shoot it and you skin it.
: Madam, you have my assurance there will be no precipitation tonight. Daisy Moses
: Maybe not, but there's gonna be a whole slew of rain.
: You hadn't ought to yell at him, he's a government man. Daisy Moses
: Fine government man you are. Ha! I bet you can't even find my still.
: Today, we no longer have to rely on such things as prognosticating beetles. Daisy Moses
: Don't you call my beetles whatever it is you just called them!
: Jed, turn him loose, give a 200 foot start. I'll load my shotgun with rock salt and bacon rind and season his hind quarters for him.
: I'd like to prepare for you a gourmet dinner. Daisy Moses
: What do ya reckon a gourmet is? Jed Clampett
: I dunno, but if he fries it good in lard, I reckon we can eat it.
Elly May Clampett
: I hope that soup we throwed out the winda don't kill the flowers. Daisy Moses
: How can anybody eat soup made outa turtles? Jed Clampett
: Pitiful Jethro Bodine
: And that thing he called Welsh Rabbit, didn't have no rabbit in it at all, just a lot of doggone melted cheese! Jed Clampett
: Wasn't too bad after Granny dumped the grits in it. Daisy Moses
: What was it he called that big crawdad? Elly May Clampett
: That was Lobster Thermidor. Jethro Bodine
: That didn't taste bad neither once we poured hot gopher gravy over it.
[on the subject of California
] Elly May
: I hear they got smog. Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses
: What's a smog?
: I reckon it's a small hog.
Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses
: Elly May! Don't spit from a moving vehicle. Wait till it's stopped.
: So, you've been wantin' to meet me have you? Clifton Cavanaugh
: Yes, and now that I have... Au revoir.
[heads for the door
] Daisy Moses
: HEY! that's the wrong way! The parlor's in here!
: [about champagne
] It beats me how anybody can get juiced on that sody pop! Ain't got no wallop at all!
: Crazy family, murdering grandmother, bloodthirsty ghost!
: [wearing a mini skirt
] No 400 year old ghost will mistake me for a grandmother in this.
: Well, the first thing to do is get her into a dress. She's gettin' too old to be wearin' a man's duds. Lookee here - she done popped the buttons off her shirt again. Jed Clampett
: Well, Elly May carries herself proud... with her shoulders thrown back. Daisy Moses
: It ain't her shoulders that's poppin' these buttons.
: She oughta be doin' women's work - helpin' me with the still.
: I'm tellin' you Granny, you don't have to worry no more about Pearl comin' in your kitchen. She's gonna be spendin' her time gittin' herself a husband with her singin' and yodelin'. Daisy Moses
: Jed, it ain't legal to torture a man into marryin' you.
: Elly, you get rid of the ants. I'll start the cookin'. Elly May Clampett
: What ants? Daisy Moses
: Start with your aunt Pearl.
: [Granny and Cousin Pearl disagreeing over who is going to cook in the kitchen
] Hey, Uncle Jed. Come on back. There's gonna be a fight. Cousin Pearl Bodine
: Oh, I don't fight nobody twice my age. Daisy Moses
: There ain't nobody twice your age! Cousin Pearl Bodine
: I happen to be on the sunny side of 45.
] Daisy Moses
: Well, then move over into the shade. You're drying up something awful.
Cousin Pearl Bodine
: I forgive you. I forgive you. Daisy Moses
: But I deserve to be punished and punished bad. Sing to me Pearl!
: Why is he hidin'? Daisy Moses
: He thinks that little girl from Louisiana is still here waitin' to marry him. Jed Clampett
: Well why don't you leave him a note and tell him she's gone? Daisy Moses
: All right Jed. I'll do that, but I can still use a few more days of peace and quiet. I'll leave the note next Monday. Jed Clampett
: Granny... make it Tuesday.
: [looking at the signs Jethro made for the boarding house
] Did you make a sign about my lye soap? Jethro Bodine
: [showing her the sign
] Oh yeah Granny. Free lye soap. Daisy Moses
: Oh that will draw them in like flies. Jed Clampett
: You got to throw in a little extra with those stiff rates you're charging. Daisy Moses
: Well Jed I'm giving every boarder a private room and all he can eat. Jed Clampett
: Yeah but a dollar a night? Daisy Moses
: Well I figure that will keep out the riff-raff.
: She's from one of those fur'n nations. Jed Clampett
: Which one? Daisy Moses
: Minneapolis... Wisconsin.
: [checking the Map to Movie Star Homes
] Let's see who they got here... Joan Crawford... Marlene Dietrich... Greta Garbo Daisy Moses
: Cain't ya find any famous ones?
: They ain't no Vilma and Buddy Ebsen. Jed Clampett
: [Jed frowns
: We ain't shootin' at the board, Granny. We is fixin' to drive them nails stickin' in it. Daisy Moses
: I still say that ain't hill country shootin'. Jed Clampett
: Granny's right, boy. See that rock over on the left. Jethro Bodine
: Yes sir. Jed Clampett
: Let's ricochet off that and then drive the nails.
: Say, how about going on a little sleigh ride? Daisy Moses
: You promise to behave? Homer Winch
: Sure I do! Daisy Moses
] Well, we might as well stay here and sing.
: [Granny gets riled up upon hearing that Mrs. Drysdale is downstairs
] Lay back down, you're dyin'. Daisy Moses
: I'm dyin' to belt her one.
: How long you been married Mr. Drysdale? Milburn Drysdale
: Twenty years. Daisy Moses
: Ah, ain't that wonderful. They've had twenty years of happiness. Milburn Drysdale
: No, we had twenty-five years of happiness - then we got married.
: Follow me! We'll dance the dance of defiance! Jed Clampett
: Granny, you ever hear of that dance? Daisy Moses
: No, but if I kin watch her for a minute or two, I'll be able to pick it up.
: You mean to say that you spent my vittles money on a movie? Jethro Bodine
: Well I spent some of the money on vittles, there was boxes of popcorn, a half a dozen candy bars, and a couple of giant orange drinks. Daisy Moses
: [to Jed
] Are you gonna hickory switch him or am I? Jethro Bodine
: Ain't nobody gonna hickory switch me. Daisy Moses
: What did you say? Jethro Bodine
: Double naught spies don't get switched. Pert near cut in two by death rays, handcuffed to atom bombs, have iron hats throwed at 'em, but they wouldn't hold still for switchin'.
: Miss Jane got herself a fella. Daisy Moses
: I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane. I'm conjurin' for my old maid granddaughter. I aim to see her married before she's all wasted away! Jed Clampett
: Elly could waste away a good bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.
: Is Jethro here? Daisy Moses
: Oh, I was afraid you was gonna ask that. Better come over here and set down honey, I got some bad news for you. Louellen
: Has something happened to Jethro? Daisy Moses
: Oh no. He's the same as ever. Of course in a way, I guess that's bad news right there.
: You ain't heard it all. He gets paid for bustin' up homes! Daisy Moses
: Ain't there no limit to what these city folks will do for a dollar?