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Quotes for
Ned (Character)
from "Pushing Daisies" (2007)

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"Pushing Daisies: Pie-lette (#1.1)" (2007)
Ned: Hey, I think somebody's truck's on fire.

Ned: I hate to be a bad host, but I'm sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You can't just touch somebody's life and be done with it!
Ned: Yes, I can. That's how I roll.

Ned: I asked you not to use the word "zombie". It's disrespectful. Stumbling around squawking for brains? That's not how they do. And "undead"? Nobody wants to be "un"-anything. Why begin a statement with a negative? It's like saying, "I don't disagree." Just say you agree.
Emerson Cod: Are you comfortable with "living dead"?
Ned: You're either living or you're dead. When you're living, you're alive. When you're dead, that's what you are. But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again. Can't we say "alive again"? Didn't that sound nice?

Emerson Cod: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable types of deep sleep?
Emerson Cod: What's the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.
Emerson Cod: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me, too. I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food.
[awkward silence]
Olive: I don't think that anymore.

Ned: This is pushing your luck.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Yeah, well, luck pushed me first.

[Ned touches the recently strangled-to-death Deedee Duffield and she comes back to life]
Deedee: Hey, Charlotte!
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hey, Deedee.
Deedee: Now, how'd I know you'd be the first person I'd see when I got to...? Is this...? Which one is this?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: This is neither. Well, maybe it's both, but, listen, this is the deal: you get to talk for, like, a minute, we're gonna catch up, and then you're not talking anymore.
Deedee: Does everyone get to do this? 'Cause, girl, we gotta break it down.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Did you know I was gonna get killed?
Deedee: I thought there might be the possibility, yes. I'm real sorry about that. I probably should've said something. But to be honest, and really, why not, at this point, if it were safe, I would've done it myself. God, this is fantastic! Being honest is fun!
Emerson Cod: Ask her who killed her and you and what's with the monkeys.
Deedee: Who are those people?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: That's Emerson, I don't really know him, and this is Ned. He was my first kiss.
Deedee: [to Ned] Now, you're adorable. Look at your li -
[touches Ned's cheek and becomes dead again]
Emerson Cod: You couldn't have... scooted back a little?
Ned: I didn't know she was gonna touch my cheek. Who does that?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Actually, she does that a lot.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served. See, I don't think that "Justice" was on the menu. Maybe as a side dish, but not as an entrée.
Ned: It was most definitely an entrée. It was a Special of the Day. Could we drop the metaphor?

Olive: How was your convention?
Ned: Conventional. How's Digby?
Olive: A little neurotic. He's a very needy dog. Do you pet him? Maybe if you pet him every once in a while, he wouldn't be so neurotic.
Ned: I pet him. I'm allergic, so I don't actually touch him, but I pet him.
Olive: With a stick? How do you *pet* him?
Ned: A stick is involved but it's more like a handle to a p-p-p-petting device.
Olive: Your dog needs to be touched.
Olive: We *all* need to be touched.
Ned: You touch him, other people have touched him.
Olive: [moving Ned's hands to her shoulders] He's your dog. Do you, uh, touch anything?
Ned: Of course. I touch lots of things.
Olive: With affection? When was the last time someone touched you with affection?
Ned: I get touched. Could you get Digby's leash now?
Olive: Hmmmmmmmm...
Ned: [to Digby] You don't mind that I don't touch you, do you?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I can't even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.
Ned: I'm not a fan of the hug.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Then you haven't been hugged properly. It's like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.
Ned: That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something other than emotion, but you can't touch me.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: So a kiss is out of the question?
Ned: I've lost my train of thought.

[regarding Chuck]
Emerson Cod: Do you know this girl?
Ned: I know of her.
Emerson Cod: Know of her in the biblical sense?
Ned: I haven't thought of her since I was ten.
Emerson Cod: Think of her a lot when you were ten?
Ned: I don't remember anything when I was ten.
Narrator: The Pie Maker remembers everything.

Emerson Cod: Well, who died instead?
Ned: [shows Emerson the obituary of the funeral director] It's a random proximity thing.
Emerson Cod: Bitch, *I* was in proximity!

Emerson Cod: Been watching the news lately?
Ned: Yeah. There doesn't seem like much going on in the world besides a dead girl on a boat.
Emerson Cod: A lot going on with that dead girl.
Ned: Is that so?
Emerson Cod: Mmhmm. Fifty-thousand dollars worth of that's so. You interested in the conversation?
Ned: I could be persuaded.
Emerson Cod: Well you better be persuaded quick because the dead girl's about to go in the ground.
Ned: They just pulled her out of the water.
Emerson Cod: Jewish. Christians leave 'em layin around - Jews gotta get 'em buried.

Leo Gaswint: [pointing to his missing jaw area] Do I have something right here?
Ned: No, there's nothing right there.

Emerson Cod: [about Leo Gaswint's "alleged" murderer, his dog, Cantaloupe] Cantaloupe was framed; someone put a part of the victim in her mouth.
Ned: Huh.
Emerson Cod: Hey, docile as a kitten, says the family.
Ned: Despite it being a Chow, the breed most likely to turn on its owner?
Emerson Cod: Hey, hey! That's racial profiling.

Emerson Cod: You know what? We all have childhood issues, okay? Believe me, I got the full subscription, okay? Horror stories!
Ned: [referring to Chuck] I kind of killed her dad when I was ten.
Emerson Cod: Maybe not horror stories.

Ned: You died for a pair of plaster monkeys?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Deedee said they weren't worth much, their only value was sentimental.
Emerson Cod: Those must have been some emotional monkeys.

[about the deceased body of Leo Gaswint]
Emerson Cod: How's he look?
Ned: Fine, but my threshold's pretty high so you have to take that with a grain of salt.
Emerson Cod: [looking at the body] That ain't a grain of salt. That's one of them blocks they give cows to lick.

Ned: [to Chuck] I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I'll be so mad if you're lying. You'll have me scratching the drapes!
Ned: I'm not lying. Please don't attack the window treatments.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: When were you going to tell me?
Ned: In the morning or when it came up. Whichever didn't come first.

Ned: I was being selfish. I love to tell myself I was unselfish, but I know deep down in my primal sweet spot I was being unselfish for selfish reasons.

Coroner: You the dog expert?
Ned: Uh-huh.
Coroner: Already had a dog expert.
Ned: I'm the, uh, other one.
Coroner: Mm-hm.

Ned: It's nice she had a little glimpse of the world before she died.
Lily: Eh. The world isn't that great.

Emerson Cod: The fact that he was a very, very bad man makes you feel better about what you did?
Ned: Yes. Immensely. I would have felt horrible if it was... you, for example.
[Emerson hits him]
Ned: I'm not proud!
Emerson Cod: You know, I'm glad you did it. Makes the worst thing I did seem insignificant.
Ned: Listen to you, all judgey-judge.

"Pushing Daisies: Dummy (#1.2)" (2007)
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hi, Emerson! Isn't this exciting?
[she gets out and he locks her out of the car]
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Hey!
Emerson Cod: What's she doing here?
Ned: Said she didn't climb out of her coffin for me to keep her in a box.
Emerson Cod: She the boss of you?
Ned: I'm the boss of me!
Emerson Cod: Dead girl's gotta go.
Ned: Dead girl's not going anywhere.
Emerson Cod: You don't know nothin about her except she had soft lips when she was ten!
Ned: That should be enough.
Emerson Cod: Well, I don't like it.
[he gets out and Chuck gets in, locking him out]
Emerson Cod: Hey!
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What did you guys talk about?
Ned: I'd really like to get out of this car soon.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?
Ned: He barely knows you're here
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Do I really have to sit in back from now on?
Ned: It's for your own safety.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You sound like my dad.
Ned: If my hand brushes yours you'd be dead.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: He didn't say that.
Ned: [locking the doors] So it's probably better if you stay in the car for these morgue visits. Someone might recognize you. You really can't come in
[All three of them standing in the morgue office]
Ned: Did I say "can" because I swallow my consonants sometimes "n't", "n't", "caN'T come in"
Emerson Cod: [to Coroner] Got that hit and run?
Ned: We're from the Government Safety Place?
Coroner: Is that a question?
Ned: Government Safety Place
Coroner: Mmmm-hmmmmmm

Ned: I hate secrets, too.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What? You love secrets. You want to marry secrets and have little half-secret, half-human babies.

Narrator: The Pie Maker considered what the sentence would be for breaking and entering with no prior convictions.
Ned: [Emerson pulls out an ID card] Where'd you get that?
Emerson Cod: Contacted the company that makes these doors under false pretenses. they gave me a sample ID badge, which I digitally altered using the magnetic code that matches the serial number of this machine. Is that cheating?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I dunno. Cause this?
[pulls out an identical ID card]
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I gave the security guard a hug goodbye, my upper body distracted him, while these things I call "hands" took this off his belt.
Narrator: At that moment, the Pie Maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation.
Ned: Why is it always a mixture?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: We haven't seen each other in like 20 years, don't you want to know about me? I want to know everything about you.
Ned: Look, we've all done things we're not proud of, we all have secrets.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What secrets?
Emerson Cod: Skeletons in the closet.
Ned: Exactly. How long have you been listening?
Emerson Cod: There are *skeletons* in the *closet*.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Emerson thinks I'm useless. Am I useless?
Ned: No, you're not useless. "Useless" is an empty soap dispenser in the restroom standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all.

[while escaping from Mark Chase in the Dandy Lion SX]
Emerson Cod: Can't this thing go any faster?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Some car of the future this is!
Ned: I thought cars of the future were supposed to fly! What the hell happened to flying cars?

Ned: Can you help us get out of these body bags?
Olive Snook: Sure.

Emerson Cod: [Ned has just re-animated Bernard] Ask the question.
Ned: Mr. Slaybeck, do you...
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: [Interrupts] Do you have any last requests? Some unfinished business with this life we can help you with?
Emerson Cod: [to Ned] Don't let her do this.
Bernard Slaybeck: Is this heaven?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Could be.
Emerson Cod: No, it's not.
Bernard Slaybeck: [Looks at Emerson] Is that God?
Emerson Cod: No, it's not.
Bernard Slaybeck: I'm confused because I'm a Buddhist.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Buddhism's fascinating, isn't it? Did it help you in your final moments?
Emerson Cod: She wasting my minute.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What's with this minute and when did it become your minute?
Emerson Cod: It sure the hell ain't yours.
Ned: Hey, it's everyone's minute, or uh, twenty-two seconds.
Bernard Slaybeck: [Interrupts their discussion] Can you get a message to Earth? Can you tell Jeanine in Promotions that I loved her?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Of course.
Ned: Mr. Slaybeck, if you could remember anything about whoever was driving the hit-and-run vehicle that killed you, I think we could get you some justice.
Bernard Slaybeck: What hit-and-run? I was killed by a crash test dummy.
[Ned touches him and he falls back dead again]

Emerson Cod: I'm not God, but if I was, I'd be an angry god.
Ned: Oh, we gave it our best shot. So a crash test dummy killed Bernard.
Emerson Cod: Bernard was delusional.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Still a clue.
Emerson Cod: It's a dead end. And not the kind of dead end you can undead and then re-dead again.
[pointedly to Chuck]
Emerson Cod: Like you're supposed to.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: It's my fault?
Emerson Cod: When you get all Jabberwocky in my minute, it's hard to follow up on "The dummy did it". Gotta get some real leads now.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Isn't that what a P.I.'s supposed to do? Investigate? Isn't that the fun part?
Emerson Cod: The fun part's counting my money in the bubble bath

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: [Regarding Emerson] Is he upset you brought your childhood sweetheart back to life?
Ned: He barely knows you're here.
Narrator: In fact, Emerson Cod had finished knitting a sweater vest and two handgun cozies in the week since Chuck's return.

"Pushing Daisies: Corpsicle (#1.9)" (2007)
Ned: No. We were discussing phantom limbs and I blurted it out; it was like word vomit.
Emerson Cod: Then you slipped in that word vomit and you fell on your ass now you're covered in word vomit.

Ned: The Wish-a-Wisher is a kill-a-killer!

Ned: Do you know you have a "tell" when you lie?
Olive Snook: Do I?
Ned: You answer questions with questions.
Olive Snook: Maybe I know I have a tell and I know you know I have a tell and maybe I'm doing it now to confuse you because you don't know what tell I'm telling.

Emerson Cod: I'm a father.
Ned: As in a priest?
Emerson Cod: As in a man... with a daughter.

Emerson Cod: [about the coroner's sweater] Anybody ever ask you why you wear that sweater?
Coroner: My niece gave me this sweater last Christmas.
Emerson Cod: That thing's uglier than a chipmunk's ass.
Ned: [interrupting] He means the sweater, not your niece.
Emerson Cod: Why would someone get somebody a Christmas sweater for Christmas? You could only wear it that day.
Ned: He means should... only wear it that day.
Emerson Cod: Yeah. Either you got to take off what you got on to put it on or you got to wait another year for the next holiday season.
Coroner: Why you want to go toe-to-toe with me on fashion? Only thing I want to hear from you people is "Happy holidays, and here's your rent."
Ned: Happy holidays.
Emerson Cod: [sarcastically] Here's your rent.
[puts money in coroner's hand]
Coroner: Feels light.
Emerson Cod: You just stronger than you think.
Coroner: Mmmm hmmm.

Olive Snook: Boy, it's cold. You know, you could use a witch's bosom as a hot water bottle on a day like today.
Ned: Any sign of Chuck?
Olive Snook: [sigh] ...
[Imitating Ned]
Olive Snook: And how are you today Olive?
[as herself]
Olive Snook: I'm fine, thanks for asking, Ned.
[Imitating Ned]
Olive Snook: That was a funny joke about the witch's bosom, Olive.
[as herself]
Olive Snook: Why thanks, Ned!
[Imitating Ned]
Olive Snook: And I appreciate you using the word "bosom".
[as herself]
Olive Snook: Why Ned, because it's less offensive than other words?
[Imitating Ned]
Olive Snook: No, I just simply like the word bosom. I say it to myself all the time. Bosom, bosom, bosom. I just can't help myself, I'm a bosom-aholic.

Ned: How much does Olive know?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Don't worry about what Olive knows. Even if I told her the truth, that - I died and you brought me back to life, she wouldn't believe me.
Ned: You don't know that.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Yes I do, 'cause I told her, and she wouldn't believe me.

"Pushing Daisies: The Fun in Funeral (#1.3)" (2007)
Ned: Everything we do is a choice. Oatmeal or cereal, highway or sidestreets, kiss her or keep her. We make choices, and we live with consequences. If someone gets hurt along the way, we ask for forgiveness, it's the best anyone can do.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You stole that off my dead body?
[shuts the casket]
Ned: Uh, it's stuck.
Emerson Cod: Oh, you BETTER be playing!
Ned: Twenty-nine seconds.
Emerson Cod: Oh, HELL NO!
[runs out]

Ned: I was incapacitated by not being able to think.

[during a sword fight]
Wilfred Woodruff: You should know that I was thrice named ultimate sword master at the Southern Area Regional Volunteer Infantry Reenactment Regiment!
Ned: I wanted to be a Jedi.

Ned: You framed someone for murder, you ass!

Ned: Louis Schatz is a big fat liar. And I say "fat" in reference to his size as a liar, not as a judgment of his physical appearance.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Which birthday do I celebrate? I've got two of them now: The first day I was alive or the first day I was alive again.
Ned: The one that requires less explanation.

"Pushing Daisies: Pigeon (#1.4)" (2007)
Ned: Just because there's a dead body it doesn't mean you get paid.
Emerson Cod: Just because there is vodka in my freezer it doesn't mean I have to drink it. Wait, yes it does.

Ned: It's raining dead birds!

Olive Snook: Hey, gang.
Ned: Olive, what are you doing here?
Olive Snook: Pie delivery. Tart apple, I believe.
Narrator: And with those two words, Chuck could already see, her aunts were here.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Olive?
Olive Snook: If you know what's good for you, and I think you do, you'll give me two minutes.
Emerson Cod: Why?
Ned: What for?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Okay.
Olive Snook: Goody, then.

[the curator passes out, and Emerson refers to a conversation he had with Ned in the "Pie-lette"]
Emerson Cod: *That's* a narcoleptic. Necrophiliac's the *other* one.
Ned: Yeah.

Ned: The plane was hijacked!
Becky: How'd you come by that?
Ned: DNA... ish.

Jackson Lucas: [after being revived] I can't see anything! Am I blind?
Ned: Good news is you're not blind. Bad news is you're dead.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Makes blind seem like a walk in the park, doesn't it?

"Pushing Daisies: Window Dressed to Kill (#2.11)" (2009)
Ned: I'm Superman, I've got a finger faster than a speeding bullet. C'mon, who can I touch?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Ned, you're touching dead things again?
Ned: Ah, no more pretending to be normal. The best way I can help anyone is by being a pie-making dead-waker. Pretending to be someone I'm not is a recipe for disaster. So I say yes to super and no to normal.

Ned: Now that I'm out of dead-waking and back to just pie-baking and no longer touching dead fruit, I can eat my own pie. I'm gonna get fat, aren't I?

Emerson Cod: Ambulance sirens blaring and I've got my chasing shoes on.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Are you sure you don't want to untie those apron strings and lace up those chasing laces?
Ned: My apron is staying on, with its strings securely tied in a double figure-eight follow-through knot.

Ned: Who wants to be Superman? Not me. I say no to "Super", and yes to "Man". I'm Clark Kent.
Emerson Cod: Well, that's just downright crap-tastic, Clark.

Ned: Olive, who are these guys?
Olive Snook: Who are any of us, really?

Ned: Did you guys just get out?
Jerry Holmes: Just.
Randy Mann: Escaped! The word that's supposed to follow that "just" is "escaped".

"Pushing Daisies: Girth (#1.5)" (2007)
Vivian Charles: Halloween is a busy time of year for us.
Lily Charles: Some neighborhood children started rumors that we were witches. They said that we turn little boys into birds.
Ned: That's terrible.
Parrot: Rawk! Help me, help me. They turned me into a bird.
Vivian Charles: Scares the woolies outta them.

Gordon McSmalls: [singing drunkenly and off-key] And never brought to mind...
Ned: Could you not sing?
Gordon McSmalls: If I don't sing, I throw up.
Emerson Cod: Sing.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Where've you been?
Ned: Not important.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: It's important to me. I missed you.

[about his father]
Ned: He was emotionally stunted, afraid of getting close, definitely not the best at goodbyes...
Vivian Charles: "Jackass" is as good a word as any.

Ned: Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.
Emerson Cod: Oh, hang on a second, let me ask the money.
Emerson Cod: [Pretends to talk on a phone] Hey, money. It's me, Emerson. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you ever though you were Olive's money first? Uh-huh...
Ned: Wait...
Emerson Cod: Yeah. Okay then.
Emerson Cod: Thanks.
Emerson Cod: [Serious look] The money don't care. Touch him.

"Pushing Daisies: Bzzzzzzzzz! (#2.1)" (2008)
Ned: Chuck has a new home. I blame you!

Ned: I could have been swarmed in my underwear.
Emerson Cod: You just don't get to put those images in my mind. That's an assault on my imagination.

Ned: There's a reason I don't let Digby play in traffic.

Ned: What's gotten into you?
Olive Snook: I'm a sawed off shotgun full of secrets!
Vivian Charles: Did she just say she was armed?

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Why, are you stalking me?
Ned: That depends. Now that we are living our new Parisian lifestyle, does that mean I can't be close when danger's afoot?
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I feel safer now that you're here.
Ned: Then this isn't stalking.
[speaking louder directly into Chuck's bee-mic, addressing Emerson]
Ned: It's just good old-fashioned chivalry!

"Pushing Daisies: Dim Sum Lose Some (#2.5)" (2008)
Ned: [nervous upon meeting his step-brothers] I just thought I'd drop by because... basically... we have the same dad.
[brothers embrace him]

Ned: MAURICE? And RALSTON? I'm glad dad got so fun & creative with naming after I left! Goodbye, Ned. Hello, Mecutio & Ribald!

Ned: Who were you gambling with?
Bao Ting: I tell you that, and I'm a dead man!
Emerson Cod: See, what we need now is a mirror.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I mean, everyone needs family.
Ned: You're my family.
[to Olive]
Ned: And you, to a slightly lesser degree.
Olive Snook: Thanks, to a slightly lesser degree.

"Pushing Daisies: Oh Oh Oh... It's Magic (#2.6)" (2008)
Ned: The Great Hermann will be avenged. I don't mean vigilante justice, because what kind of example would that be?

Ned: It's all very confusing: there's murdered magic dads and promise of tasty pate with tuna sauce.
Emerson Cod: What do you think you was sayin' in your head? Because that ain't what came out of yo mouth.

The Great Herrmann: What do you tell a couple of kids you've never met that their dad, who you've never met, has just dropped them like they were hot? You can't sugarcoat that turd.
Ned: No, not effectively. What did you tell them?
The Great Herrmann: What they wanted to hear - that their dad was an important man with important-man matters to attend to. "Blah-blah-blah, please stop crying, blah!"

"Pushing Daisies: Bitter Sweets (#1.8)" (2007)
Ned: Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.

Ned: It's my fault Chuck's father is dead. I should just tell her.
Emerson Cod: Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.

Ned: You're thinking about how to train your bees to fly in people shapes, aren't you?

"Pushing Daisies: The Legend of Merle McQuoddy (#2.9)" (2008)
Emerson Cod: You need to tap that.
Ned: This is Chuck's chance at having a family again. I can't... 'tap' that.
Emerson Cod: Make it look like an accident. Trip over an ottoman. Dick Van Dyke that ass.

Charles Charles: Besides, I HATE chocolate.
Ned: How can you hate chocolate? Everybody at least tolerates it.

Emerson Cod: Well, hate to be a bitch, but ain't no way in the world I'm taking this case.
Olive Snook: You think Merle McQuoddy murdered Nora?
Emerson Cod: Merle McQuoddy's ship returned minus a few oars, making it a very easy leap from captain to killer. Nothing this kid had to say makes me think otherwise. Plus, I don't work in the rain.
Ned: Clearly, you don't hate being a bitch that much.

"Pushing Daisies: Comfort Food (#2.8)" (2008)
The Widow Likkin: Now that I have the recipe, that nice donut man and I are gonna go into business together: "Finger-Lickin' Donut Holes".
Ned: Sounds delicious... and filthy!
Olive Snook: America's favorite! You'll make a fortune.

The Widow Likkin: [screams] My husband, the Colonel, he's dead!
Ned: He's not just dead... he's extra crispy!

Colonel Likkin: ...some carpetbaggin' coward snuck up behind, battered me in my own batter and shoved me into boilin' oil. That was murder, son.
Ned: Really? And you didn't see who did it?
Colonel Likkin: Attacked from behind. They were stealthy like a snake... or a Yankee.

"Pushing Daisies: Bad Habits (#2.3)" (2008)
Ned: We are so going to hell.

Ned: Did you know Chuck hired a genealogy service to put branches on her family stump? Not because she could expose herself - she dodged that with a hooker wig. It's because she's throwing her heart into it willy-nilly. What's so great about the past? It's past.
Emerson Cod: Correction: what's so great about your past? From what you tell me - nothing. That's why you don't want to delve.

"Pushing Daisies: The Norwegians (#2.10)" (2008)
Olive Snook: I wouldn't turncoat on you. I was working deep cover to dismantle this operation from the inside out. I know they have dirt on you but I don't know what they did to make you look so dirty.
Ned: I got myself dirty.
Olive Snook: Well, allow me to soap up those hard to reach places.

Olive Snook: Did he die of natural causes?
Ned: [in unison with Chuck] Yes.
Olive Snook: Are either of you referring to "murder" as a natural cause?
Ned: We are officially non-referential starting now.

"Pushing Daisies: Circus, Circus (#2.2)" (2008)
Ned: [crash] I think the human cannonball was meant for us.

Ned: Where can we find these clowns?
Bailey: Drunk in a ditch would be my guess. They usually stumble in just before showtime. They always travel in a pack.
Ned: Like wolves?
Bailey: More like cigarettes.

"Pushing Daisies: Bitches (#1.6)" (2007)
[last lines]
Ned: You're the only one for me.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I know you feel that way now, but there are things you want... there are things we both want.
Ned: Oh, everyone wants stuff. We wake up, everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What do you need to be happy?
Ned: You.

Ned: Everyone wants stuff. We wake up every day with a list of wishes and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true. But just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.

"Pushing Daisies: Smell of Success (#1.7)" (2007)
Ned: We're not lost. We're following the yellow, thick hose.

Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You've got to loosen up!
Ned: I don't do loose. I prefer tightly wound. Not shapeless with extra room for surprises.

"Pushing Daisies: Frescorts (#2.4)" (2008)
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: [after NED refuses to let CHUCK move back in] But, you promised me comforting. You're my "king-sized duvet of goose down goodness"!
Ned: [regretfully] I know. Selfishly, I want to duvet you right this second.

Calista Cod: Randy's a nutjob's name.
Ned: Randy's also a fun guy's name. You can grab a beer with Randy, grill a brat with Randy, pick up chicks with Randy.
Emerson Cod: And help stuff them into Randy's freezer with Randy.

"Pushing Daisies: Water & Power (#2.12)" (2009)
Ned: Maybe bull fighting is the wrong comparison, but it's hard making these things work.
Olive Snook: You're telling me these things are hard to make work? I know that because you taught me!

"Pushing Daisies: Robbing Hood (#2.7)" (2008)
Daniel Hill: I'm gonna find that malfeas-ass and slam him down!
Emerson Cod: Inside voice.
Daniel Hill: I'm not talking about the gavel of justice.
Ned: Outside voice.
Daniel Hill: I'm talking about southern-style back-alley score-settling doled out by me and a couple of homeless!...
Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Conversational patio voice?