Nancy Botwin
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Quotes for
Nancy Botwin (Character)
from "Weeds" (2005)

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"Weeds: Lude Awakening (#1.5)" (2005)
Celia Hodes: [about her upcoming mastectomy] I'm really gonna miss my babies. We had some good times together.
Nancy Botwin: After reconstructive surgery, you're gonna feel good as new - better! You're gonna have the tits of a nineteen-year-old girl.
Celia Hodes: I was thinking of going bigger.
Nancy Botwin: Bigger?
Celia Hodes: Really big. Like freakshow big. 47-triple-Fs. SO large that other, smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Nancy Botwin: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention today that the downside of this business is death, so right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery. I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygeine school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy Botwin: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy Botwin: [laughs] Now I pledge *never* to die.

Erma the Faith Healer: Would you like me to smell you next?
Nancy Botwin: No, thank you, I was... smelled yesterday.

Celia Hodes: I was thinking of going bigger.
Nancy Botwin: Bigger?
Celia Hodes: Really big, like freak show big: 47 triple F's. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

"Weeds: Corn Snake (#2.1)" (2006)
Nancy Botwin: Heylia, Conrads talking to me. and he's not supposed to.

Nancy Botwin: We're gonna be a family if I have to kill all of you!

Peter Scottson: Checking for monsters?
Nancy Botwin: What? Oh, no. I can't find my shoe... sandal, it's a sandal.
Peter Scottson: So I'm guessing no breakfast
Nancy Botwin: No, I'm not really a breakfast person. I have to have coffee in the morning, but after that I'm good till lunch, usually. Sometimes I have a bagel arround 10:30.

Silas Botwin: You didn't tell me she couldn't sleep over. C'mon, Nancy.
Nancy Botwin: [irritated] Stop calling me Nancy! My name is *Mom*. Or 'Mommy Dearest'...

"Weeds: Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood (#2.5)" (2006)
Silas Botwin: Why do you have a home pregnancy test?
Nancy Botwin: D-do you *want* me to kill you?

Nancy Botwin: [about Megan being pregnant] How did this happen?
Silas Botwin: You don't wanna hear it.
Nancy Botwin: Oh, but I really do.
Silas Botwin: If I had to bet on it, I'd say it was three weeks ago in my room. Doggy style. When I pulled out the condom was gone. Megan has really strong muscles, must've sucked the thing right off.
Nancy Botwin: Ah-ahh. Stop, stop, stop.
Silas Botwin: You asked. You want to be the cool Mom.
Nancy Botwin: No. No, I don't. There are a million things in this world I want to be. 'Cool Mom,' nowhere on that list.
Silas Botwin: [Megan shows her the pregnancy test; positive] Well, I hope Grandma's on that list.

[Celia and Nancy are having a disagreement about Nancy's half-hearted work on Celia's campaign for City Council]
Celia Hodes: ...If you can't make time for the pressing problems of greater Agrestic...
Nancy Botwin: That's exactly it - I can't make time. I've got problems at home.
[starts for the door]
Celia Hodes: [with a concerned look on her face, Celia follows] Really? Do you wanna' talk about it?
Nancy Botwin: I don't wanna' talk about it. i just wanna' go home.
Celia Hodes: Ya' know, I tell you about my husband's unemployment, my daughter being the face of America's trans me what's going on with you? Please? Nancy...
Nancy Botwin: [not wanting to hurt her feelings] ...Celia...
Celia Hodes: Aren't we friends?
Nancy Botwin: I just wanna' go!
Celia Hodes: [disappointed] You can't even say it. You don't want to be my friend!
Nancy Botwin: [gestures toward Celia] Everything is not about you, Celia!
[Nancy turns to leave. As she walks away, Celia reaches out, grabs Nancy's hair from behind and gives it a hard tug before letting go]
Nancy Botwin: [turns around totally shocked, yells] What the fuck are you doing??
Celia Hodes: [grabbing Nancy's hair again with a desparate look on her face] Be my friend!
[the two begin to twirl in a circle, Celia pulling Nancy's hair while Nancy grabs Celia's arm trying to make her let go]
Nancy Botwin: Oww!! Let go of my fucking hair...
Celia Hodes: Be my friend!!!
Nancy Botwin: [nearly frantic] Let go of my fucking hairrrr!
Celia Hodes: [just as frantic] Be my Goddamned motherfucking friendddd!!!!!
Nancy Botwin: Owwww!!!
[when Celia finally lets go, Nancy quickly gets to the front door]
Nancy Botwin: Your insane!
Celia Hodes: [lowering her voice as she repeats] Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!
[the two women glare at each other in mutual shock for a moment, then Nancy walks out]
Pam: [in the cheeriest voice imaginable] You two are just like sisters!

"Weeds: Wonderful Wonderful (#5.1)" (2009)
Nancy Botwin: [a phone call wakes her up] Hello?
Rudolpho: I have your friend.
Nancy Botwin: What? Who is this? What friend?
Rudolpho: Your friend Celia. I have her and you pay me money or she dies.
Nancy Botwin: Celia?
Rudolpho: Celia Hodes! I have kidnapped her and today I chop off her ear.
Nancy Botwin: How Van Gogh.
Rudolpho: What? You send me $40,000 or I'll do it!
Nancy Botwin: That's too early for this, we're really not friends.
Rudolpho: Okay, $30,000...
[Nancy hangs up]

Nancy Botwin: It's so wonderful wonderful.
Andy Botwin: What?
Nancy Botwin: You once said that to me.

"Weeds: Last Tango in Agrestic (#2.3)" (2006)
[Nancy is having a drink in a restaurant with Peter the DEA agent after he has revealed to her that he knows she is a marijuana dealer, but he's OK with it]
Nancy Botwin: What if this is just all an act you put on to nail dealers...
Peter Scottson: ...Take them to dinner and profess my love? That's how I took down the Santiago brothers.

Nancy Botwin: Talk to Shane about jerking off.
Andy Botwin: I'm all over it!

"Weeds: No Man Is Pudding (#4.5)" (2008)
Andy Botwin: [Outgoing voice mail message] Hello phone caller, this Andrew, Andrew Botwin. It pains me we couldn't make this instant human connection. Leave a message and while you do it, imagine me listening to it, where I might be at the time, what I might be wearing.
Nancy Botwin: [Leaving message] Andy, this is me. Got a little delay, I'm on my way now. Thinking you probably don't have cell reception where you are, so you probably won't hear this before I reach you. But, it's making me feel better and preventing me from killing Celia, at the moment. Oh, yes, I forgot to open with that. Celia Hodes is sitting next to me in the car, all the way from Agrestic. How did she get here? I don't know, but when I hear the unbelievably stupid reason that comes out of her mouth, I'm going to fucking kill her!... So, there may be a dead body in the car when I get there, that's just a heads up. I'll be there soon. Oh, and your outgoing message is creepy, please change it.
[Hangs up]

Nancy Botwin: I got what the world would call a normal, boring job. I wake up in the morning, get dressed, drive myself to work, put on a nametag... take my brain out of my skull and place it in a drawer. I spend the next 9 hours smiling at people, pretending to be interested in their happiness, tolerating the company of my coworkers... staring at the clock. At the end of the day, I take my nametag off, open the drawer, reach for my brain, plop it back inside, walk to the employee parking lot, drive myself home and it's really, really... really boring. Looks like I'm going to be doing it for a long, long time.

"Weeds: Go (#3.15)" (2007)
Nancy Botwin: Judah, if you're still here, I tried.

Nancy Botwin: Judah, if you're still here... I tried.

"Weeds: The Brick Dance (#3.3)" (2007)
Nancy Botwin: [having just heard from Doug that he was having an affair with Celia] Celia?
Doug Wilson: The cock wants what it wants.

"Weeds: If You Work for a Living, Then Why Do You Kill Yourself Working? (#4.13)" (2008)
Terrifically Carol: [Nancy is ordering a gift basket by phone to be delivered that night, because it's Silas' birthday. She's talking to the operator] Now, what would you like the card to say?
Nancy Botwin: [Nancy doubts for a while] Mmmm, Dear Silas: Happy Birthday. Happy 18th Birthday... Um... Don't write "um"... I think you're an amazing son. I'm so proud to be your mom... "Be your mom". Jesus, that sounds like bullshit, doesn't it?
[She laughs]
Nancy Botwin: Um...
Nancy Botwin: Dear Silas: If you never see me again, I've probably been murdered. Enjoy the dried apricots and butter cookies.
Terrifically Carol: [Interrupts Nancy] The Sterling Celebration doesn't come with butter cookies, but if you like to add them, I certainly can do that.
Nancy Botwin: [Anoyed while Carol is still talking] Yeah... can you stop talking for a second? Could yoy please be quiet and listen? Just listen.
Terrifically Carol: [after an awkward silence] I'm listening.
Nancy Botwin: Starting over. Dear Silas... umm... thank for raising yourself these past 18 years. You... you've done a great job.
Terrifically Carol: [Silence. Nancy looks really sad, thinking about where she's going and the choice she've made] Ms. Botwin? Are you okay, Ms. Botwin?
Nancy Botwin: [Nancy cannot speak. She tries to a few times, but can't. Says no with her head] Silas... you are loved. Me. Signed it "me".
Terrifically Carol: Just "me"?
Nancy Botwin: Yeah, "me". No, "mom". "Me, mom". Please get that for him tonight. Thanks, Carol.
Terrifically Carol: You take care, Ms. Bowtin.

"Weeds: Higher Education (#1.7)" (2005)
Nancy Botwin: Holy crap! What the... What is this? Who would do this? Pennies?
Sanjay: This is cold.
Nancy Botwin: Cold? Try evil and fucked up!
Sanjay: It's a commuter college, there's a lot of displaced anger here.
Nancy Botwin: Displaced on my car! FUCKING COMMUNITY COLLEGE LOSERS!
Sanjay: Hey, it's a state school.
Nancy Botwin: Shut up.

"Weeds: Mother Thinks the Birds Are After Her (#4.1)" (2008)
Nancy Botwin: The boys asleep?
Andy Botwin: Yeah. And it's totally freaking me out. Shane's sleeping on my old Star Wars sheets. Silas found one of Judah's Playboys from 1979 under the mattress. Candy Loving on the cover, Dorothy Stratten centerfold. It's beautiful. I'm having jerk-off flashbacks. My old stains... are still on the wall.
Nancy Botwin: My children are sleeping next to their unborn cousins. I'm thrilled.

"Weeds: Dead in the Nethers (#1.6)" (2005)
Celia Hodes: Who's the hottie?
Nancy Botwin: My carpenter, Conrad. Conrad, this is Celia.
Celia Hodes: Hello, carpenter. Do you want to see something?
[Celia begins to lower her shirt revealing her tattoo]
Nancy Botwin: Celia, you have to stop flashing your boobs to the world -
Conrad Shepard: Oh, speak when spoken to.

"Weeds: Viking Pride (#6.11)" (2010)
Nancy Botwin: [On the phone with Andy] Do we have our passports?
Andy Botwin: Uuuuh, slight bend in that river.
Nancy Botwin: What? Do we need more money?
Andy Botwin: No, we need Shane.
Nancy Botwin: What?
Andy Botwin: We have to kill somebody.

"Weeds: Little Boats (#4.9)" (2008)
Esteban Reyes: [over the phone, after canceling their date] Tomorrow night. You'll eat lobster, and I will eat - you.
Nancy Botwin: [with determination] Yes, you will.

"Weeds: To Moscow, and Quickly (#6.9)" (2010)
Nancy Botwin: Since when do you plan to live in Denmark?
Andy Botwin: Since forever. That's my Moscow; my shangri-la, my Pittsburgh, my candy mountain. Have you never read any Russian literature, you uneducated woman!

"Weeds: Excellent Treasures (#4.6)" (2008)
Celia Hodes: What's in the hole?
Nancy Botwin: Mexico.
Celia Hodes: [gasps]
Nancy Botwin: You must never go there.

"Weeds: A Yippity Sippity (#6.3)" (2010)
Silas Botwin: Normal Newmans from normal town. You really believe we could keep this up for any serious amount of time?
Nancy Botwin: This is who we are now. This is us.
Silas Botwin: What if you had gotten a real job after Dad died and we could have skipped all this shit?
Nancy Botwin: We would have to sell the house, move to a very different zip code. You and Shane would have gone to even lousier public schools.
Silas Botwin: That doesn't sound so bad.
Nancy Botwin: You probably still would have knocked up a girl, only this one maybe would have been blind instead of deaf, or missing a limb. You would have struggled with your grades, smoked weed, dropped out, gotten your G.E.D... Your brother still would have had rage issues. He would have lost his virginity to a skanky girl, or a skanky girl duo. He would have grown increasingly alienated, and ended up stabbing the mailman or my manager at the Gap. We would be in the exact same spot we're in now.
[Shane walks in]
Silas Botwin: Shane, if Mom would have worked at the Gap instead of selling drugs, do you still think you would have killed somebody?
Shane Botwin: Probably.

"Weeds: Cats! Cats! Cats! (#7.9)" (2011)
Agent Melnick: One of you better start talking, or you're both going down, because we do not fuck around at the SEC.
Doug Wilson: SEC? I've heard of you guys. Yeah, you guys have those federal pension plans tied up with our Mainstay Fund.
Agent #2: What's he talking about?
Nancy Botwin: [to Doug] What ARE you talking about?
Doug Wilson: [to Nancy] Burnt orange. I see numbers as colors. I'll explain later.
[to SEC agents]
Doug Wilson: Five years ago, Uncle Sam bet your retirement funds on our good judgment. It's all right in the files. If we go down, you go down. That's right, meatball. Not only are you gonna let the two of us off the hook, but you're going to give your bosses in DC a ring. Make sure that our firm's road to success is paved with the Feds' good graces, plenty of deregulation, and a laissez-faire sense of letting us do our goddamn job. What's the matter, Agent Scary Lips? Are your scary lips tasting my hairy shit? Are they tasting Doug Wilson's world famous beef stew? How's it going down? Kinda spicy, right?
Doug Wilson: You guys are so fucked right now, all I can think about is your wife and a horse. But go ahead. Take us down. Watch our shares plummet, if you want to retire with our dick in your ass. But it's a whole lot sunnier in Florida.
Nancy Botwin: [Flabbergasted] Doug Wilson, Jesus Christ.
Agent Melnick: Okay... We need think about this.
Doug Wilson: No way. I'm free to go, same goes for her.
Nancy Botwin: [to DEA agents] So, no halfway house? No parole? No calling your friends at the DEA?
Agent #2: He doesn't have any friends at the DEA. Do you, Melnick?
[Pokes him]
Agent #2: Do you, Melnick?
Agent Melnick: [Defeated] No, I don't have any friends at the DEA.

"Weeds: Grasshopper (#3.6)" (2007)
Nancy Botwin: Wash your hands. All I need now is for the boys to eat heroin-eggs for breakfast.
Andy Botwin: Right. Cause' then they'd want them every day.

"Weeds: Must Find Toes (#2.7)" (2006)
Nancy Botwin: Is he gonna be okay?
Dr. Bertner: Is he a dancer, professional athlete or foot model?
Nancy Botwin: None of the above.
Dr. Bertner: He should lead a normal life.
Nancy Botwin: Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Dr. Bertner: You know, if you'd brought in the toes, we might have been able to reattach them.
Andy Botwin: [on morphine] Must find toes.
Nancy Botwin: Oh, Conrad, well - where are the toes?
Conrad Shepard: The dog ate 'em.
Nancy Botwin: The dog ate 'em.
Dr. Bertner: Well that's that.
Nancy Botwin: When's he gonna be able to go home?
Dr. Bertner: He have insurance?
Nancy Botwin: Oh, no.
Dr. Bertner: He can go home now.

"Weeds: He Taught Me How to Drive By (#3.7)" (2007)
Two-Strikes: I remember when he was just a wanna-be. We popped our car jacking cherries together.
Nancy Botwin: He taught me how to drive by.

"Weeds: You Can't Miss the Bear (#1.1)" (2005)
Nancy Botwin: You know the rules..
Josh Wilson: One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in the glove.

"Weeds: Bash (#2.9)" (2006)
Andy Botwin: He always did have a thing for pinata's. Did he ever hit you Nancy?
Nancy Botwin: I'm not filled with candy.

"Weeds: The Punishment Light (#1.8)" (2005)
Shane Botwin: [while Peter and Nancy hum the UM theme] We visited my dad's grave today.
Peter: [stops] Oh. I--
Shane Botwin: You married?
Peter: Uh. No.
Shane Botwin: Why not?
Peter: It's...complicated.
Shane Botwin: Are you a fag?
[Nancy kicks Shane under the table; Silas laughs]
Nancy Botwin: Shane!
Shane Botwin: What? It was just a question.

"Weeds: Do Her/Don't Do Her (#7.13)" (2011)
Dimitri's partner: [the guys are playing Do her/Don't do her with Nancy and Jill. One of them stands up, walks towards them and points Jill] Do her
Dimitri's partner: [Then point Nancy] Don't do her
Nancy Botwin: [while Jill looks really happy behind her, Nancy says ironic] Oh no, I lost the rape contest