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Quotes for
Strong Bad (Character)
from Strongbad_email.exe (2004) (V)

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Strongbad_email.exe (2004) (V)
Strong Bad: Hi everyone. Today it's time for some spring cleaning. Ready, go!
[reading]
Strong Bad: Dear Strong Bad, why do you hate homestar so much? He seems ok to me." hmm, I wonder how I should answer that?
[DELETED! appears on screen]
Strong Bad: DELETED!
[he calls up another email]
Strong Bad: Do you have secret crush with Marzipan? Steve, Sterling Va. Ah yes, now this is a question well worth my time and consideration!
[DELETED!]

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading it] Dear Strong Bad, I just wondering, if you had the chance to make your town different, what would you you? Sincerley, Steven WV.
[Strong Bad pronounces "WV" as "Wolksvagen"]
Strong Bad: [typing] Pour hot soup in Homestar's eyes, eh, Steven? That sounds like a pretty good...
[stops typing]
Strong Bad: Wait, what did your e-mail say again?

Strong Bad: Uh, you don't really have to *make* Homestar say stupid stuff, Grumbles, that's the guy's bread n' butter. Or at least his, uh, cracker n' mustard.

Homestar Runner: Strong Bad, do you notice anything different about me today?
Strong Bad: Um, you broke into my house?
Homestar Runner: No, I'm always doing that.

Homsar: Hey, Reggie! Is that rhinoceros around?
Strong Bad: Uh, I can only assume you're talking to me and asking about Strong Sad. He's in the basement.

Strong Bad: [singing] I check the email once, I check the email twice, doo doo doo, doo doo doo... Okay, let's see what we got here.
[an email is displayed, only it really just says, "Homestar Hair downloading... "]
Strong Bad: Homestar Hair...? What the...
[a graphic from Hairstyle Runner comes up onscreen]
Strong Bad: Oh man! I swear if I get another one of these freakin' "Hairstyle Runners" from one of you guys...
[types "delete that crap" and the graphic shrinks until it disappears, after which a message reading "crap deleted." appears onscreen]
Strong Bad: ...I'm gonna have to start busting some heads, okay? I mean, how come you people never play *my* game, man? I never get any Strong Libs in my email. I mean, there's this whole game out there that's all for me that you guys can fill out, you know, and like, send me some hilarious crap or something. Now you got me all cheesed off! I'm gonna play some "Temple of Apshai". Forget you guys.
[types "run 'temple__of__apshai'", then brings up Temple of Apshai, which he starts to play]

E-mail: Hey there Strong Bad! I was thinking since so many people and ladies think you're SUPER COOL, why not build a monument to yourself for all to enjoy? Another fan, Kaitlin G.
Strong Bad: [stops reading and starts typing] I'm assuming the G stands for generally overused girl's first name. Well generic name, you're really onto something here. Turns out I AM super cool. As for monuments, I already got one. But it's kinda only of my right foot. You might know it better as DUN DUN DAAA: The Strong Badia Sign!
[Strong Badia's Stop Sign is displayed, followed by a picture of Strong Bad. As he narrates, a diagram of the monument is built]
Strong Bad: Yeah, there were big plans once. It was to be made of the finest materials. On a massive scale that would rival the Aztecs and their... techno-chocolate land.
[Back at the Compy and Strong Bad continues typing]
Strong Bad: Anyways, we lost our funding or public interest waned or something distracted me.

Strong Bad: [on tape] But the Cheat couldn't stop laughing and I didn't know what the big deal was until I saw the piece of paper. I just about lost it! Milk and cookies shot out of my nose! Oh, it was a great idea. And it just might work!
[Strong Bad leans in]
Strong Bad: And it did work! All right, that's enough. You heard enough... of my secrets.

Strong Bad: [reading "Tori from VA, TX"] Tori from Virginia and Texas, respectively.

Strong Bad: [presenting his science project, talking about Strong Sad] At this point, the test subject... was dead.
[audience gasps]
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true!
Strong Bad: Shut up. And all of this data could only bring us to one conclusion... Strong Sad's adopted.
[audience gasps]
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That's not true either!

Strong Bad: [after being asked what his second wish in a set of three would be, choosing horns, and drawing a picture of himself with horns] You know, these horns kinda look like croissants the way I drew them. Maybe my third wish will be for a couple of croissants... yeah, like, heat it up with some butter melting on the top... I got to get The Cheat to get me some of those. Some of those... cwoi-sagns...

Strong Bad: The year was 1987, not a good year for a productivity. And as a result, productivity was down something-eight percent.

Strong Bad: Maybe I should put up some of those inspirational posters and stuff to get things back in gear. You know the kinds that have whales or sunsets or windsurfers on em. And they say stuff about determination and giving a care.

Strong Bad: [typing] Print out million dollar bill.exe
Compy 386: Bad command or file name.
Strong Bad: [typing] No, for real, print me out a million dollar bill, man.exe
Compy 386: Syntax error.
Strong Bad: [typing] Um, this time really print me out a million dollars bill. No foolin'
Compy 386: Cut it out, you.
Strong Bad: What the? Don't give me none of that crosstalk! Oh well, it was worth a shot. Now on to... on to the e-mail.

Strong Bad: [on tape] And Reg had the ball at the top of the key. And I was all like "I'm Open! I'm open!" But someone must have slipped him some drugs or something because he passed it to the Deke and the Deke slam dunked it! It was my greatest moment on the court. I was trying to high-five everyone. But then there was a lot of commotion and the Deke accidentally shoved me to the ground and called me a...
Strong Bad: Uh, let's skip on ahead here.
[he fast-forwards the tape]

Strong Bad: Oh, The Cheat. Where did we go wrong? It seems only yesterday we were setting fire to Strong Sad's underdrawers.
Strong Sad: [offscreen] That *was* yesterday!

[the CGNU fight song]
Strong Bad: Fighting and sometimes striving/ Wondering what the Dumple is/ Excellence and what is valour?/ And the cheat will hit stuff with a golf club/ C-G-N-U!
Homestar Runner: Me?

Strong Bad: [sings] I got mad at the cheat/for screwing up the jumble caper/I hope I don't read his name in the paper/In the obituary/Cos that would mean he's dead/The Cheat is not dead/so glad The Cheat is not dead/The cheat is not dead...
Strong Sad: Dead!
Strong Bad: So Glad the Cheat is not dead/The Cheat is not dead...
Strong Mad: Dead!
Strong Bad: So glad the cheat is not- Just the claps! Just the claps! Strong Sad, I didn't know you had any rhythm.
Strong Sad: Oh sure, I've got tons of rhythm

Strong Bad: TROGDOR! TROGDOR! Trogdor was a man. I mean, he was a dragon man! Er, maybe he was just a dragon! Um, but he was still TROGDOR! TROGDOR! Burninating the countryside, burninating the peasants! Burninating all the peoples who lived in THATCHED ROOFED COTTAGES! THATCHED ROOFED COTTAGES! And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIGHT!

Strong Bad: Okay, so first of all, my head would have to be a little bean. With real, real big eyes. Get rid of my thumbs, make me all shiny... my boots would be a whole lot cooler. Like robot boots. And for some reason, I got blue hair. You gotta have blue hair. Then there's my mouth. Real tiny when it's closed; ridiculously huge when it's open. And then you basically just put me in space and let me fly around in cool poses!
[Stinko Man flies around then lands on Planet K]
Strong Bad: [Voice over] And they'd probably have somebody else do the voices.
[1 Up, the 20X6 homestar walks up]
1 Up: Hey Stinkoman! Everybody says you're the guy, but I wanna be the guy too!
Stinko Man: No way, you're just a kid! Maybe when you're older.
[Pan-Pan, the 20X6 Pom-Pom lands on 1 Up]
Stinko Man: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Pan Pan is fat! Ha ha ha ha ha! He fell on you! Ha ha ha ha! He's a good bear!
[the credits appear]
Narrator: [sings] Challenge and fighting/ and Fighting that challenge tonight./Everybody's fighting for the Challenge of the fighting and the/ Challenge and fighting/ and Fighting that challenge tonight.

Strong Bad: Okay, interview over; commence beating!

Strong Bad: In the United States alone, someone checks their email every three seconds. This is one of them.

E-mail: Yo yo, Strong Bad! Are there any ghosts in Strongbadia? Your Favorite Cowboys, Josh, John & Doug Nashville, TN.
Strong Bad: Whoah. Took all three of ya to come up with that one, huh? You're some bright young men!

Strong Bad: Actually, David, it may surprise you to hear this but, uh... I don't know anything about fishing, man. You're welcome to try the jig thing if you want. Though it might work better with the ladies. You know, like, come on and come to my house, ladies! Come on and come to my house, girls girls! Actually,
[chuckles shyly]
Strong Bad: I don't really know anything about the ladies either. I mean I do! I mean-WHGT! JGTH! YES I'M AWESOME!
[runs away]

Strong Bad: [singing] Oh, who is the guy that checks all his emails? That's me, Strong Bad.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, do you take your wrestling mask and boxing gloves off before you go to bed? Sincerely, Abdi LaRue, San Diego, CA.
[Strong Bad stops reading and starts typing]
Strong Bad: Well, that's a stupid question, Abdi. Do you take off your face and hands before you go to bed? And if so, are you some kind of robot? And if so, what kind of powers do you have? Do you use them for good, or for awesome? Would you like to join forces? I just happen to be the greatest criminal mind of our time.
[types "-Strong Bad" and then stops typing]
Strong Bad: Okay, until next time, keep sending me your questions, and I will make fun of you... I mean, answer them.

Strong Bad: [singing] Oh, if you want to be possessive, it's just "I-T-S", but if it's supposed to be a contraction, then it's "I-T-apostrophe-S"... scalawag.

Strong Bad: I say there, Homestar, butt's twelve by pies?
Homestar Runner: Oh, yes, I got Strong Bad to say something stupid!

Strong Bad: Okay, so until next time, who put the ween in Halloween? I don't know. Probably you, you freakin' weirdo!

Strong Bad: You dress up like me this year and the ladies will flock to you like the Poopsmith to an overflowing toilet.

Strong Bad: First paint your head red. Then take your shirt off to expose your manly chest. Next, get some boxing gloves, or if you don't have boxing gloves, oven mitts will do. Next, duct tape some aluminum foil to some twine. And finally, get your mom to make you a Strong Bad costume. You'll be the belle of the ball.
Homestar Runner: I'm a bell!

E-mail: dear mr bad make a cartoon with only u in it and then just u do the commentary crapful geroge.
Strong Bad: Oh, no way Geroge. We tried that once. Trust me, man. Bad idea.
[cut to Strong Bad in the field]
Strong Bad: [voice over] Umm... so this is another part where it's just me. And I'm kinda standing around. You know, just standing. I guess I don't do very much. No wait, I just scratched my head. Yeah, I remember that part. I totally had to scratch my head then, man. I can't remember exactly what I was looking at there. Er, I think it was like a bird, or maybe a cloud that looked like a bird. You know, like a bird cloud.

Strong Bad: [Strong Bad has just cheated and won a race against Homestar, but nobody cares. He is talking to Strong Mad and The Cheat] It wasn't supposed to be like this, man... I don't understand. I mean, they were supposed to get all disappointed, and Homestar would cry, and you guys would put me on your shoulders and throw the melonade on me and everything...
[Strong Mad smiles and runs off]
Strong Bad: You know... I mean, this is like the defining moment of my life... but if it doesn't mean anything to *them* -
[Strong Mad reappears and drops an unopened keg of melonade on Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: [shouts] Auuugh! You moron! That's not what I meant!
[groans loudly]
Strong Bad: Oh, I think you broke my... clavicus...
[pauses]
Strong Bad: ... majorus.

Homestar Runner: [Homestar & Strong Bad are on a Deserted Island] Hey, Strong Bad!
Strong Bad: What?
Homestar Runner: Are we rescued yet?
Strong Bad: You're gotta need to be rescued if you don't quit asking me that question.
Homestar Runner: Ohhhhh... hey, Strong Bad!
Strong Bad: [shouts] What?
Homestar Runner: Is there ice-cream, yet?
Strong Bad: You're gotta need to get ice-cream if you don't quit asking me that... because... I gotta hit you, and you need the ice-cream to stop the swelling.
Homestar Runner: Hey, Stinkoman!
Strong Bad: Umm... did you just call me Stinkoman?
Homestar Runner: Yes, sir, I did!
Strong Bad: Jeez... you don't have a gun on the other side of the island do you?

Strong Sad: [juiced on caffeine and speaking very, very rapidly] Marzipan, Marzipan! Whaddya wanna make? Ya wanna make some wood davers? I got peanut butter, I got pinecones, I got everything we need! I said pinecones, pinecones! Gonna be successful! Gonna be phenomenally successful! Sell 'em at the corner store! Sell 'em at the five and dime! Marzipan, get on the train! Gotta get on the wood davers train! Here goes the wood davers train, it's taking off, it's a new century!

Homestar Runner: Hey, Strong Bad! I'm in your house!
Strong Bad: Oh, that sucks...

[the characters are trying to solve the mystery of the patch on the couch on Strong Bad's basement couch]
Coach Z: [with his voice digitally altered] No, no, I got the real scoop. Strong Bad had me over for gumbo one night, and I don't know what kind of doodoo meat he was using in there, but I had to puke! So I went downstairs and I noticed this little rip in the couch, so I puked in it! I... I'm sorry for what I done!
[Strong Bad is seen typing on his computer]
Strong Bad: I liked that gumbo! I didn't use no doodoo meat! If I ever find out who that guy is... Well, palbert, there's your answer. Me? I'm gonna go over there.
[he is about to get up, but then stops]
Strong Bad: Oh, wait.
[he sits back down and resumes typing]
Strong Bad: Make homestar's head explode.exe
Compy 386: No can do.
Homestar Runner: No can do.
Strong Bad: Oh, crap! This computer is worthless!

E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, I was curious as to whether or not Strong Badia had an official army. Your Homeboy, Hank Toler
Strong Bad: Does Strongbadia have an army? Strongbadia needs no army, Hankatola. Me and that one big guy and that one little guy... we're a one man army. Er, a three man one-y. Three-to-one-marny? What I mean to say is, what do we need an army for when the three of us pretty much do as we please? I mean, it's not like there's anyone around to oppose us.
[Homestar appears out of nowhere wearing a bowl on his head and carrying a large spoon]
Homestar Runner: All right, maggot! Fall it out. "Col-onel" Homestar Runner is recruiting the most elite team of crack commandos to invade Strongbadia. Do you has what it takes to join the Homestarmy? Will you bring a sack lunch and some orange slices for me and serve your country? Will you, stupid?
Strong Bad: Um... no. I don't really have any interest in invading my own...
Homestar Runner: Ten-hut! Draft dodger, eh? We'll see if those trees you're always hugging save you when Gordon Lightfoot's creeping 'round your back stair! Company... Halt! Backwards... March!
[Homestar marches backwards off-screen]
Strong Bad: What the...
Homestar Runner: [sticks his head back in] Oh, and if you change your mind, or you wanna trade in that skirt you're wearing for a nice pair of camos, we're having a pep rally up at The Stick in oh-fifteen minutes.
Strong Bad: Wow. I thought I knew what ridiculous was, until this day.

Strong Bad: Here I go once again with the e-mail. Every week, I hope that it's from a female.

Strong Bad: [to The Cheat] We had that light switch installed for you so you could turn the lights on and off - NOT so you could throw light switch raves!

[Strong Bad has inhaled helium, causing his voice to sound high-pitched]
Strong Bad: I sound like... one of the Golden Girls.

Homestar Runner: So from then on, it was pork and beans
Marzipan: I don't know if that's entirely healthy
[the Cheat floats past under the influence of helium]
Homestar Runner: Whoa, Marzipan. Check out that ugly bird.
Marzipan: Homestar, I think that's The Cheat
Homestar Runner: No way! The Cheat is a fine-looking young man. That is an ugly bird.
[the Cheat floats past again after a few seconds]
Strong Sad: [offscreen] I'm sad that he's flying.

Strong Bad: The book I wrote is called, "Everyone is Different." So here we go.
[reads from the book, which is actually one of Strong Sad's books, with the words and pictures altered with pen]
Strong Bad: Everyone is different. No two people are the same. Some people are about to get run over. Frankie has about five seconds. Some people are very tall and merciless. Quincy is destroying San Antonio. Some people wears glasses. Beth looks like a dude. Some people are squirrel-handed. Gregor is a weird name. Some people have braces. Some people have headgear. Fran could play linebacker for the Raiders. Some people have rigged the enemy base with explosives. Albert has. Some people have a Southern accent, and those are hot. Trisha is a severe hottie. Some people are being fangoriously devoured by a gelatenous monster. Hilary's legs are being digested. Everyone is different. No two people are not on fire. Awww.

[Strong Bad has glued Strong Sad's hands to his butt]
Homestar Runner: Why are you touching your buttocks? That's pretty weird.
Strong Sad: I can't help it!
Homestar Runner: Okay, that's really weird.
Strong Sad: Wait, you don't understand!
Bubs: Grabbing your own butt? That's not very ladylike.
Strong Sad: I'm not a lady!

[Strong Bad describes one of the places he went to on vacation: That Clock, via a postcard from that location]
Strong Bad: [singing] It's that clock. C'mon, you guys, you need to check it on out. It's that CLOCK! I can't believe it!
[stops singing]
Strong Bad: Okay, the best thing about this postcard is if you look at the clock, that's the exact same time that I first laid eyes on the clock: 2:55, man. And like - oh, wait, it still says... 2:55. Okay, well, the clock is broken, but still, it's about the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life! Okay, now I got to bust a wicked solo.
[He plays a lousy acoustic guitar solo]
Strong Bad: Thank you, good night!

Strong Bad: Say you like me?
Marzipan: No.
Strong Bad: Then do you like...
[quietly and quickly]
Strong Bad: Strong Bad?
Marzipan: No! You're just saying your name fast. Go away.
Strong Bad: What about the guy who's brothers with...
[quietly and quickly]
Strong Bad: Strong Mad and Strong Sad?
Marzipan: That's still you! No!
Strong Bad: Then how about this one: do you don't not dislike not Strong Bad?
Marzipan: Uh, I guess...
Strong Bad: See! I told you you love me! Oh, I knew it all along! Wait til my friend Emily from Ohio...
[pronounced as "Oheeo"]
Strong Bad: ...hears about this!
[runs off speaking gibberish to himself]
Marzipan: Whatever. Come on Carol, let's rock.

[Strong Bad's computer explodes, flinging him through a wall into Strong Sad's room and through one of Strong Sad's posters]
Strong Sad: Oh, geez! Are you okay?
Strong Bad: Wha... yeah... no, I'm fine! Nothing happened, I'm fine!
Strong Sad: Did your terrible computer explode?
Strong Bad: No, shut up! Look, I'm gonna need to borrow, like, $900.
Strong Sad: Well, I hope that's for a new computer. You could get one like yours at a garage sale for like... $15.
Strong Bad: I said SHUT UP! I liked that computer.
Strong Sad: I hope some of that money's for buying me a new poster. You don't seem too broken up about that.

Strong Bad: Which email is your favorite? Mine is "The Basics".

Strong Bad: Make the town different, eh, Steven? Well...
[He breaks into song]
Strong Bad: [singing] The Poopsmith, he could talk...
The Poopsmith: [deep voice] Hello.
Strong Bad: [singing] And Marzipan would rock, and the stick would be this big ol' tree that'd try to eat everyone except The Cheat and me.
Strong Mad: And me!
Strong Bad: [stops singing] We'll see.
[resumes singing]
Strong Bad: And the King of Town would be underground in a box filled up with peas.
The King of Town: I hate peas.
Strong Bad: [stops singing] I know!
[resumes singing]
Strong Bad: Bubs would give away flame throwers that shoot chocolate $100 bills.
Bubs: *Imitation* chocolate.
Strong Bad: [singing] And my stupid baby brother would've been born with horns and a tail.
Strong Sad: [sadly] I'm evil.
Strong Bad: [singing] And Coach Z would wear this cool jacket.
Coach Z: [showing off his jacket] Check it out, yo!
Strong Bad: [singing] But Homestar just couldn't hack it.
Homestar Runner: [angrily removing the star on his shirt, throwing it down and stomping on it] I quit!
Strong Bad: [singing] And Pom Pom wouldn't be changed at all except to look like an ABA basketball.
[spoken]
Strong Bad: Two, three four...
[resumes singing, then showing off Homsar]
Strong Bad: And this little weirdo would be a modestly hot girl to help me through the hard times.
[Homsar turns into a female version of himself]
Strong Bad: You know, the kind that are only sorta hot so they don't mess around with other guys.
Homsar: [although he looks like a girl, he still talks in his normal voice] I'm forever your girl.

Strong Bad: An email is like a prison. A prison with no walls. And no toilet.

E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, every time I watch a cartoon with you in it, I can't help but realize how incredibly gorgeous you are. I love the way you walk around without your shirt on so confidently. Anyways, I was wondering if you would like to go out sometime. Give me a call, Pom Pom has my number. Hopefully yours, Brian.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, Brian, maybe you and I could...
[he stops typing suddenly]
Strong Bad: [shocked and angry] Hey! BRIAN? What the crap?
[he resumes typing]
Strong Bad: Look, man, unless Brian is short for... Brianrietta or Brian-Sue or something like that, it's just not gonna work out between you and me, okay? Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams, -Strong Bad
[He stops typing]
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next week... One, two, three! Email me! One, two, four! Email me more!

[Easter Eggs from the 100th email]
Homestar Runner: Happy hundreth birthday, Strong Bad!
Marzipan: Whoo hoo, Strong Bad. Whoo hoo. I've caught up with you. I only have 90 more Answering Machines to go.
Senor Cardgage: Many conabulations, Elizagerth. I hope you get all my particles.
Strong Bad: [offscreen] Man, so cool!

[Strong Bad does an ad for Crazy Go Nuts University]
Strong Bad: Do you want to be more awesome? Sure, we all do. Here at Crazy Go Nuts University, you can get the experience you'll need to be almost half as awesome as I am. Get your certificate in: Cheesing People Off, Indian-Giving, Cutting Ones, Doing Some Other Things, Home Invasion, Cracking Wise, World Domination, Sending Me a Dollar, Total Spaceship Guy, TV/VCR Repair, or GET YOUR DEGREE! Applying is easy. Just take this free art test. Fill out the test and send it back to us. And you will be well on your way to a better, awesomer you. Remember, at Crazy Go Nuts University, the future is... you... probably.
Announcer: Actual applicants not accepted. Art test is only so we can make fun of you.

[Strong Bad is asked by an emailer from Boston about what Homestar and Marzipan do on a date]
Strong Bad: You know I've done a lotta thinking on the subject. And yes, Boston, you guessed it, it gimme the jibblies. So in order to watch from a proper, safe distance I made up the Homestar Runner and Marzipan Extra Real Dating Sim XR! Using the most state-of-the-art polygoniest technologies, we can see what an actual date with Marzipan and Homestar Runner would be like without the risk of personal injury. Or vomiting. I think it would go a little something a-like a-dis-a...
[Strong Bad starts playing the game]
Sim XR Marzipan: DUH!
Sim XR Homestar: FUH! DUH! DUH!
Sim XR Marzipan: BUH! DUH! FUH! Strong Bad is on point.
Sim XR Homestar: FUH!

Cheerleader: [At a graveyard where the rest of the Squad is buried] I look so good!
[Strong Bad walks up to Cheerleader]
Strong Bad: Whoa. Hey there, Cheerleader. You're looking so good. You want to go take a ride with me up to Checkers, or Rally's, or, um, Sonic Burger? Whatever you guys got here.

[Strong Bad is asked via an email from Shana Ma if he celebrates Thanksgiving or traditions from when Strong Badia was first colonized]
Strong Bad: Oh, Shana Ma, the story of the colonization of Strong Badia is a tale as old as, say, the wireless Web or energy drinks maybe.
[a book on the history of Strong Badia appears]
Strong Bad: [narrating] It began in a period of strife when I was being persecuted for my beliefs.
Strong Sad: [in book] Ewwww! Ketchup on eggs?
Strong Bad: [narrating] I learned of a place where a man can be free. Free to do what he wants to do. Free to ketchup his eggs without being hassled by the man. So I set sail with three stout sub sandwiches, and my best The Cheat to find this mystical land.
[the book shows Strong Bad and The Cheat dressed as pilgrims and Bubs as an Indian]
Strong Bad: [narrating] I met a strange man who had strange ways and strange odors. And he led me to the new world, out beyond the dumpsters. There was a brief struggle with the indigenous peoples. At last, we reached an agreement to peacefully co-exist in this land, after I gave him my first and last months' rent deposit. Then the strange man probably showed me how to put fish in the ground with corn, for some reason.
Bubs: [in book] This'll grow ya some nice fishcorn bushes.
Strong Bad: [narrating] Then we celebrated with a feast of some cold Hardee's he had laying around.

Strong Bad: Listen, do you have any video games, or like, R-rated movies?
The King of Town: I have a video game.
Strong Bad: No way! Really?
The King of Town: It's the stand-up kind like in an arcade.
Strong Bad: Why didn't you say something? Let's play it!
[it turns out to be a typing tutor game]
Strong Bad: Oh, never mind.
The King of Town: How many WPMs can you type? That's words per minute, you know.
Strong Bad: You're about to get 732 fists per stomach if I'm not eating ice cream in the heck of one minute!

E-mail: Is there a story beheend the patch on the couch? If so, do tell! Form, your pal.
Strong Bad: Ooh, my pal! Well Palbert, it's a good story. And now you all have to hear it. Seems I was looking for a place to hide all my Aztec gold. But when I made the first incision, not only did I realize that I don't have any Aztec gold, but I unleashed a stench of biblical proportions. They had to call in a hazmat team just to hose me hose me hose me down! I had to spend a fortune on Glade plugins.
Strong Sad: Now wait a second! That's not how I remember it.
Strong Bad: Oh, and I'm sure every loser out there wants to hear your loser opinions, loser.
Strong Sad: They do! I seem to remember a young Strong Bad thinking that Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis was a woman. And that he was hot!
Strong Bad: That is entirely untrue.
Homestar Runner: Lies! All lies! Clearly I'm the only one who remembers how it all went down. It was not so long ago that I was in Strong Bad's basement spitting Teddy Grahams all over the place. One of them got stuck to the ceiling.
Strong Bad: Homestar, shut up! This is about that patch on the couch. It's clearly already on there in your flashback!
Homestar Runner: Oh, oh, ohhhhh. I thought this week's e-mail was entitled "Teddy Graham Memories."

E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, You rock! Your are the most awesomest thing ever, but how come you made a song about fhqwhgads?
Strong Bad: Whoa. Spelled fhqwhgads right. You wouldn't believe how many I get where they're like, "Hey Strong Bad, I love your fubugrass." Or "Dear Strong Bad, where's that fuguman?" Anyways...
E-mail: Will you make a song about me? Sibbie.
Strong Bad: Ugh... You people and your demands. Look, I'm not here to fulfill your every freakin' whim, alright? Make a song about me. Send Trogdor over to my house. Put on a purple thing and dance around! Well, I've had it! I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever make a song about the sibbie.
[a beat starts playing in the background, and Strong Bad types and reads along with it]
Strong Bad: And I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever write a song about... HEY! WHAT? Where's that beat coming from?
[Strong Bad turns to the side and sees The Cheat bobbing around as he plays a keyboard]
Strong Bad: Oh, look who thinks he's Clever Dan. What are you trying to do, man? Get out of here!
The Cheat: [upset The Cheat noises; leaves]
Strong Bad: Well, that brought this email to a screeching halt. My focus is all... Krokused.

E-mail: Dear strong bad, can you please write a book about come-back jokes! Mike, Canada.
Strong Bad: [typing response] More like, *you* write a book about come-back jokes, NERD!

Strong Bad: So cool an email. I thought you would enjoy it. Ding-dong, dear Strong Bad...

Strong Bad: [to Coach Z] Hey, I always wondered, is your skin green or are you wearing a green body suit? Y'know, with footies and sockies.
Coach Z: Oh, I got footies, alright. Athlete's footies.

[Strong Bad describes one of the places he went to on vacation: Two Cars, Tennessee, via a postcard from the location]
Strong Bad: [voiceover] 'Sup, everybody? Here I am in Two Cars, Tennessee, and you know what? I kinda miss you guys and your emails. I can almost hear one of them now: "Dear Stong Bad, you are crap. Crap is the best. Everybody loves crap. Crap is in the mix. Crap is to the max. How does Homestar pick stuff up if he's not wearing any Marzi-pants? Crapfully crap, Monkey D, Seattle, Washington." Ah. Okay, I got my fix. On to the next town! Oh, and incidentally, I highly recommend Two Cars, Tennessee. It's got a real happenin' arts-and-crafts scene.

Strong Bad: ["interviewing" Homsar] Homsar, tell us about your childhood.
Strong Bad: [imitating Homsar] Daaaa, I was raised by a cup of coffee.

[it's Labor Day and everyone is celebrating with a barbecue; the entire gang, sans Strong Bad, is there]
Bubs: This is the best BBQ I've ever been BB-to.
Marzipan: I wonder why.
Homestar Runner: Hey, has anyone seen Strong Bad? I sent him an invitation.
Strong Sad: [actually smiling] Maybe it got "da-leet-ted".
[everyone laughs]
Coach Z: Oh, gee, the life of the pratty!
Bubs: Three cheers for Strong Sad!

[some of the characters are learning how to draw dragons]
Strong Bad: All right. Whaddya got for me, Coach Z?
Coach Z: Take a look there. I think she's lookin' pretty good.
Strong Bad: I said *consummate* Vs! CONSUMMATE! Geez. Guy wouldn't know majesty if it came up and bit him in the face!
[walks away]
Coach Z: That happened once!
[Strong Mad is carving "DAGRON" into a table]
Strong Bad: Strong Mad... you just... keep doin' your thing, man.
[walks away]
Strong Bad: [Homsar is at a table with a piece of paper reading "Taster's Choice" in front of him]
Strong Bad: Get outta my house!
[walks away]
Homsar: I do what I'm told.
[Strong Sad has drawn a rather elegant-looking picture of a dragon]
Strong Bad: Aww, crap, I didn't know YOU were doing one.
Strong Sad: Oh, sure. I think I've improved on your methods a bit, too. I employed some chiaroscuro shading and...
Strong Bad: I'll improve on YOUR methods!
[pulls out a BMW lighter and burns Strong Sad's drawing]
Strong Sad: What? That's not an improvement!
Strong Bad: [walking away] Bwah ha ha ha! Trogdor strikes again!

Strong Sad: There needs to be a better word for "weird".

E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, why don't you and the Cheat pull a caper of some sort. It seems like there has been little cooperation between the two of you as of late. James Detroit Mi.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, you're right. It's no secret that The Cheat and I haven't been getting along very well... since he screwed up our last caper.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat are now shown inside Homestar's house in the wee hours, trying to steal his newspaper]
Strong Bad: [to The Cheat] I don't care about the crosswords, man, just the jumbles, the jumbles!
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I don't know, go look over there.
The Cheat: [more The Cheat noises]
[the Cheat goes over to a table with a cow lamp on it]
Strong Bad: No, look out! Oh, great, man.
[the Cheat knocks the lamp over and breaks it. The lights turn on and a sleepy Homestar walks out into the room]
Homestar Runner: Hey, Strong Sad, Batman. What are you guys doing in my house?
Strong Bad: We've been ID'd! Every man for himself!
[Strong Bad and The Cheat retreat]
Homestar Runner: Thanks for stopping by, you guys. Thanks for breaking my cow lamp.

Strong Bad: I'll take Strong Bad Emails for a thousand, please.
E-mail: Strong Bad, My vcr keeps blinking 12:00 over and over. Do you have any suggestions on how to fix it? Thankyou, Corey Dewey-Smith
Strong Bad: [typing response] I had the same problem, Dewey-Smith. So I called in a professional to get the job done. Let's go see how he's dewing... um... doing.
[he then leaves to meet up with Bubs who is tinkering with a VCR]
Strong Bad: So, Bubs, how is it coming?
Bubs: Oh, hey, Strong Bad. I think I'm almost finished. It took me a little while to figure out what I was going to do.
[He steps aside to reveal what he's done]
Bubs: Then I duct-taped an alarm clock to your VCR.
Strong Bad: Duct-taped an alarm clock to the VCR. See, I never would've thought of that.
[He looks more closely at it and notices some strands of yellow hair on the tape]
Strong Bad: Okay, there's some hairs that seem to be stuck in the duct tape here. Was that on purpose?
Bubs: Oh, no. That was just left over from my first idea, which was to duct-tape The Cheat to your VCR. He wasn't into that.
Strong Bad: Oh, I could have told you that, man. Well, anyways, thanks for your help, Bubs. And thank you, Cory... Dewey-Smith. So join us next week when we'll be duct-taping clocks to all kinds of different stuff.

Strong Bad: I think my imagination's broken. Lemme try and think of the best thing ever. Um... beef... stew. Yup, it's busted alright.

[a bad graphics ghosts appears on the Compy's screen, but is quickly removed from it, after which new text on the screen reads:]
Compy 386: You killed the bad graphics ghost. Now Strong Sad will sing you a scary song.
[cut to Strong Sad in a dark place]
Strong Sad: [singing] Have you seen the ghost of John? Long white bones with the skin all go-o-o-one! Whoo! Whoooo! Whooo! Wouldn't it be chilly with no skin on...?
[stops singing]
Strong Sad: Whoa, check it out. It's like I'm the master of time and space in here.

E-mail: Strong Bad, my sister and me think you are so cool. Do you have a girlfriend? There is two of us. Yours, Ali.
Strong Bad: [hushed] Oh, there's *two* of them!
[typing response; speaking seductively]
Strong Bad: Well, Ali, there's one of me...
[suddenly, the DELETED! screen appears and removes the email]
Strong Bad: [still speaking seductively] Deleted...
[snaps out of it]
Strong Bad: *DELETED*? WHAT! Wait, what happened! No! Undeleted! Undeleted!
[he types "undeleted" three times, followed by "do something" and "anything!"]
Strong Bad: I didn't mean to do that! Awwww, man! Come back, Ali! Come back, Ali's sister! You two meant everything to me!
[he pounds his head on the keyboard, somehow creating the words "head", "hit" and "keyboard" to appear]
Strong Bad: Okay, calm down. Maybe she'll email me again. I'll just hang out here for a while and try to picture which one of them is hotter. Ali or Ali's sister.
[he envisions Ali and her sister as a blonde and a brunette, respectively]
Strong Bad: Ali... Ali's sister... Ali... Ali's sister...
[the computer makes a dinging noise]
Strong Bad: Oh, there she is! Okay, here we go!
[he reads the email]
E-mail: Hello, I am write single to salute and wait for answer again.
Strong Bad: What? You're not Ali. You're not even literate. Oh, though I have just the thing for you: DELETED!
[he types DELETED!, after which the DELETED! screen appears, but with the word SAVED! instead; the computer says that the email is saved forever]
Strong Bad: Oh, that's great. Great, thank you. Yeah, go ahead and save that one, why don't you, yeah. So I can treasure it for years and years, and show it to my kids. The ones I should be having with Ali and Ali's sister! I hate this computer.

E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, I think the Cheat is the coolest thing ever, but why can't I understand him? Please tell the Cheat to talk normal. Sincerely, Cory, North Dakota.
Strong Bad: Whoa, the entire town of Cory, North Dakota decided to email me. That was nice of them.
[typing response; voice echoing]
Strong Bad: Citizens of Cory! Thank you for your email. Hang on. Let me get the Cheat.
[the Cheat appears behind him suddenly; Strong Bad turns around]
Strong Bad: Hey, The Cheat... Oh! The Cheat. Some town here can't understand you. Say something normal, like, er,um, uhhh... Douglas.
[the Cheat makes no noise]
Strong Bad: Douglas?
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Douglas!
The Cheat: [more The Cheat noises; then he leaves]
Strong Bad: [typing on the computer] Well, I guess you can't expect much from a furry little man who hangs out with my brother all day.

E-mail: [closing] Your Main Man, E. Fullmer.
Strong Bad: Um, Endiment? Hang on, Endiment. Just for the record, my main man is, and has been since 1987, Van Mundegaarde. And don't you forget it.

Strong Bad: Ah, the self-proclaimed King of Town. Like *you* aren't an easy target for my witty jabs and clever put-downs. Whatever will I say?
The King of Town: [noticing a cooler beside Strong Bad] Do you have anything relatively edible in that cooler?
Strong Bad: No. You're fat.

Coach Z: [noticing that Strong Bad has phony fingers on his boxing gloves] Looks like you got some type of a prawn on there...
Strong Bad: Yeah...
Coach Z: Maybe a little leg...
Strong Bad: Yup.
Coach Z: Ooh, and a candle! That's a good one.
Strong Bad: Yeah, I think that's my best one. You know, keeps-a me warm at night.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email what Strong Badia will be like in two years]
Strong Bad: I can easily predict that the population will have tripled in two years.
[he shows off Strong Badia]
Strong Bad: By then, it will be population: tire... and bundt cake pan. And Coach Z.
[a bundt cake pan and Coach Z appear in Strong Badia, Coach Z behind the fence]
Coach Z: I'm takin' a leak!
Strong Bad: I also have some good news for you single ladies out there. The cinder block is going to break up with the sign.
[the stop sign rolls away from the cinder block]
Cinder Block: [writing a letter] "Dear Stop Sign, you are a stop sign and I am a cinder block..."
[the letter disappears]
Strong Bad: Ooh, and we will also have developed a world-class hole. And by then, hopefully The Cheat will be finished with the mural I commissioned him to paint on the fence...
[a mural appears on the fence]
Strong Bad: ... like a freakin' year ago. Slowbie. Oh, yeah, the tire will have definitely won the title.
[a belt appears on the tire]
Strong Bad: And finally, Strong Sad will have actually succeeded in becoming more whiny.
[an upset Strong Sad appears in Strong Badia]
Strong Sad: [pouting] I don't like food anymore!

E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, how come you never let The Cheat answer any emails? Lasko Milwaukee, WI.
[Strong Bad pronounces "WI" as "Wisacondasin"]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, Lasko, The Cheat is not very popular and he never really gets many emails and, um, to tell you the truth, I don't even think he has a computer.

[Strong Bad is outside, sunbathing, with a bucket of cocoa butter and another of animal lard next to him]
Strong Bad: All right, c'mon, sun, show me what you got. Don't pull no punches neither. I want the real radioactive stuff.
[the King of Town walks]
The King of Town: Oh, there it is!
Strong Bad: There what is?
The King of Town: Ooh, nothing. Hi, Strong Bad. How are you this day?
Strong Bad: Well, I was certainly better before you showed up. I'm still doing pretty good.
The King of Town: [stealing Strong Bad's cocoa butter] Oh, good. That's all I wanted to know. I guess I'll be moving on to different smell-place.
[he hurries off]
Strong Bad: What the...? Hey! He took my cocoa butter!
[the King of Town returns briefly and swipes the bucket of lard]
Strong Bad: What? Aw!

Strong Bad: [to Homestar] So, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Let me get this straight: you're betting me that you're cool.
Homestar Runner: Yep, I'm cool.
Strong Bad: And if you're not cool, you have to change your name to Kevin DuBrow. But if you are cool, I gotta spend the night over at The King of Town's?
Homestar Runner: That's the deal, man. The total deal.
Strong Bad: You're goin' down, son.
Homestar Runner: No ways.
Strong Bad: All right, let's see you be's cool.
Homestar Runner: [donning a pair of sunglasses] 'Sup?
Strong Bad: [taking this in] Oh, CRAP!

Strong Bad: [entering the King of Town's castle] Is the coast clear?
The King of Town: The coast is toast.

Coach Z: [introducing the Strong Sad Look-Alike Contest] So without further ado, I'd like to introduce the man of the hour, the deathly pallor: Strong Sad!
[Strong Sad walks up]
The King of Town: [offscreen] Boo!
Strong Sad: Thank you! Thank you! I'm simultaneously honored and insulted to be involved in this contest for the fourth time in a row.
Coach Z: [shoving Strong Sad aside] That's enough there, Strong Sad. Your work is done here.

Homestar Runner: Are you sick and tired of playing second-fiddle to a two bit wrestle man and his yellow dog?
Crowd: Yeah!
Homestar Runner: Are you ready to fight alongside your "Col-onel" and give your five bucks to the Homestarmy if it comes to that?
Crowd: Yeah!
Homestar Runner: Do you wanna paint that fence some other cool color and put a fake beard on that tire?
[nothing happens; the camera reveals Homestar is talking to Strong Sad, Homsar, a popcorn popper and a painting of a Rambo-type character. Strong Sad is holding a tape player]
Strong Sad: Oh, sorry. Forgot to rewind.
[he rewinds the player and the crowd noise plays on it]
Crowd: Yeah!
Homsar: You gotta get yours, I gotta get mine.

E-mail: Dear Stong Bad, what are some cool ways to spell different words? Example, fat = phat. Matt.
Strong Bad: Oh, you mean like Strong = Stong? You seem to like that one. How 'bout this? Matt = MATT!
[Strong Bad types "Matt = DELETED!", after which the usual DELETED! screen appears, only instead of saying DELETED!, it says MATT!]

[one of Strong Bad's emails was banned in the U.K., because it offended the royals and Strong Bad has been charged with verbal crimes against the crown. He and The Cheat are at a press conference]
British Man: Strong Bad, how do you respond to claims that your comments brought the entire royal family to tears?
The Cheat: [soft The Cheat noises to Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: [clears his throat] Screw all y'all.
British Man: Cor blimey!
[a picture of Strong Bad and The Cheat is taken]
Second British Man: [Brummie accent] I can't believe he said that.

E-mail: Hi Strong Bad, I'm from England. What do you think of the English? Thank you, Mark.
Strong Bad: Uh, gee, Mark, if you're really from England, shouldn't you have some sort of unnecessary vowel at the end of your name?
[Strong Bad adds an "e" to Mark's name]
Strong Bad: And what is this "thank you"?
[he erases the word "Thank you"]
Strong Bad: Whatever happened to "Cheers" or "Cheerio" or "Nevermind the Bullocks"?
[he replaces "Thank you" with these words as he says them]
Strong Bad: Call yourself English? Well, anyways, what do I think of the English, huh? Oh, I'll *tell* you what I think of the English!
[Strong Bad gets cut off by a BANNED IN THE UK sign]

Strong Bad: Ohh! Electronic mail!
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, my girlfriend is really annoying because she calls me when I'm trying to study. What should I do? Crapfully yours, Roy.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Oh, well! I think I might have a little piece of advice for you, Roy.
[shouting]
Strong Bad: Close the book and quit being such a dork-on!
[calmer voice]
Strong Bad: I mean, this girl obviously has the hots for you, man. Why do you think she's calling you? I mean, you've got the potential here to get 1st, 2nd, and quite possibly even 3rd base. So unless you're studying a book called "This Book is Better than 1st, 2nd, and Quite Possibly Even 3rd Base", I suggest you hightail it over to your girlfriend's house ASAP, man! And also, send me a copy of that book. Because this sounds pretty good. You know what... scratch that. You keep studying, Roy, *I'm* going over to your girlfriend's house.
[he gets up from his seat and runs out of the room. Then, after several seconds, he returns to his seat]
Strong Bad: Um, I forgot. I don't know her name or where she lives, but your girlfriend still loves me, Roy.

Strong Sad: [advertising the Ab-Abber 2000; reading off a teleprompter] Since using Strong Bad's Ab-Abber 2000, the ladies have been all up ons.
[sic]
Strong Sad: All up ons? I don't know what that means!
Strong Bad: Well, Strong Sad, it means they really like you.
Strong Sad: But they don't! Especially now with all this Sharpie on my stomach.
Strong Bad: Just read the lines, man.
[he holds up a plush lobster]
Strong Bad: Do you wanna see Gooblies again or not?
Strong Sad: You leave Gooby out of this!

Strong Bad: Mmmmm... fresh emails...
E-mail: Strong Bad, How do I deal with the office dullard? Jason.
Strong Bad: [typing response] I'm glad you came to me, Jason. The office dullard is a clever foe. But there are ways you can beat him. Here are a few of my tried and true methods.
[one of the methods is shown at an office cubicle. Strong Bad is sitting in the cubicle and Homestar walks up behind him]
Homestar Runner: Hey, man, what's up? Good time, bad time?
[Strong Bad hastily grabs up a phone on the desk and pretends to talk on it]
Strong Bad: Oh! Oh, oh! Yes, yes, yes... Uh, so no, I'm still here, yes. Working hard. I've been synergizing all morning...
[to Homestar, whispering]
Strong Bad: I'm not going to be able to talk right now, man.
[Homestar mouths, "Ohhh..." and leaves, while Strong Bad resumes "talking" on the phone]
Strong Bad: Right... Yes... Multitasking...

[Strong Bad's own computer is having problems, so he checks his email on The Cheat's computer instead]
E-mail: What is the weirdest dream you've ever had? -Marie.
[the Cheat brings up a "compose" icon on his computer for Strong Bad to respond]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Okay, Marie, I'll tell you, but you gotta understand... The day before, all I had to eat was like... 13 pudding pops, okay? So the whole dream was just a picture of... Well, lemme show you.
[he brings up a picture of a map of the United States in a pair of briefs]
The Cheat: [surprised The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: The United States in tight, White Brand underdrawers. Briefly, let's discuss what this dream means.
[he laughs]
Strong Bad: No, really, you guys can interpret this one how you want. Me, I blame the pudding pops. Okay, so... Maybe I shouldn't have shared that with you guys. Uh... See you next week.
[pause]
Strong Bad: How's it goin', Texas?

[Strong Bad has been prompted via email to glue Strong Sad's hands to his face, which he does]
Strong Sad: [his hands glued to his face] Ah! I'm blind! My prayers have finally been answered. Oh, wait, my hands are just glued to my face. Oh well, I'll take that.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat are watching from a distance]
Strong Bad: Oh, man! He likes it! Okay, go to Plan B.
[the Cheat salutes and takes in a bucket of red ants into Strong Sad's room]

[Strong Bad tried, but failed, to get The Cheat to talk normally by saying, "Douglas". He calls on Strong Mad]
Strong Bad: Hey, Strong Ma...
[he sees Strong Mad standing by him already]
Strong Bad: Whoa! Strong Mad. Say "Douglas."
Strong Mad: DUH!
Strong Bad: Douglas?
Strong Mad: DUH!
Strong Bad: [emphatically] Douglas!
Strong Mad: DUH?

Strong Bad: Oh, what's this? An email? For me?
E-mail: What would you do if a little animal came up to you. Crapfully yours, Ashley and Anthony.
Strong Bad: [typing on the computer] Um, I don't really know. Let's find out. Oh, The Cheat! Come here for a moment!
[the Cheat walks up]
The Cheat: [the Cheat noise]
Strong Bad: Um...
[after a beat, Strong Bad kicks The Cheat away; back to the computer]
Strong Bad: So, there's your answer. A little animal comes up to me... I'd kick it. Okay, so until next week, everything is awesome and...
[Strong Mad and The Cheat walk up, both looking very furious; the former gnashing his teeth at Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: [suddenly nervous] Oh, uh, hey, big guy. Er, you know, I was just kicking The Cheat. Er, it's a little joke. You know we got the people watching at home. Just trying to be kind of funny for 'em, with the joke. The joke-kick...
[pause]
Strong Bad: I'MA KICK YOU, TOO!
[Strong Bad kicks Strong Mad in the knee; Strong Mad roars and chases Strong Bad around the room]

[Strong Bad is out fishing with Coach Z]
Coach Z: Say, Strong Bad, what type of lure are you usin' there?
Strong Bad: Well, this morning, Coach, I've been mostly using this one.
[he looks down into the water and calls]
Strong Bad: Hey, fish! Hey, fish! I'm gonna... I'm gonna recommend that you guys come up here in the boat. We've got a, uh, a keg! Of worms! And, uh... phytoplankton! Come on! Anybody who's everybody is up in here!
Coach Z: I don't think that's gonna work with a stocked pond. You got any type of jig you could try on there?
Strong Bad: Oh, yeah. I got this jig.
[he sings and does a hip-swiveling dance]
Strong Bad: Come on and get in the boat, fish! Come on and get in the boat, fish, fish! Come on and get in the boat, fish!
[some fish jump into the boat]
Strong Bad: Get in the boat!
Coach Z: Oh! They got in the boat! Fish, fish!

Strong Bad: Gimme some of this and gimme some of thiiiiis... Gimme some of this.
E-mail: Hey Strong Bad, How's it hanging? Last weekend I almost drank a one that was not cold. Has this ever happened to you? Dan Waters, Dallas, TX.
Strong Bad: Aw, Dan, you dodged a bullet, man. Because lemme tell you... a One that is not cold, is scarcely a One at all. Allow me to demonstrate with one of my bogus mathematical theorems. I call it "The Property of Ones." It goes like this: The ONEitude is directly proportional to the Colditude of the ONE. So you got that, Dan? The colder it is, the more of a one it is. Because you don't want to end up with a Cold None. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. But now in foreign lands, they've been known to drink Not So Cold Ones, Room Temperature Ones, and even Warm Ones. Whoa! But where I come from, it's CUH-HOLD ONES. Though I have to admit, on certain evenings in late spring, a Cool One can be very refreshing. Ooh... That's a good One.

Strong Bad: [trying to get Homestar to say "Fhqwhgads"] Fhqwhgads.
Homestar Runner: Fubugrass.
Strong Bad: Say it with a flourish: Fhqwhgads.
Homestar Runner: Fooboomagoo.
Strong Bad: It doesn't sound like it looks. Fhqwhgads.
Coach Z: Forhorglingrads!
Strong Bad: Coach Z, I thought I asked you to leave, like, an hour ago.
Strong Mad: DOUGLAS!
Strong Bad: Whoa! We've had a breakthrough! You get a gold star.

Strong Bad: [singing] I got an email. I got an awesome email.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, if you had three wishes, what would the second one be? Much crap, Brandon Hofer, Judson College, Elgin, IL.
Strong Bad: Geez, I didn't need your freaking life story, man.
[typing response]
Strong Bad: Oh, that's an easy one Brandon. Horns. No question. I'd wish for a pair of horns. Here, check it out.
[draws and holds up a picture of himself with horns]
Strong Bad: Look at how great I would look, man. So majestic, yet so wicked awesome. Like I could maybe go on tour with some heavy metal band and like be their mascot, you know, and come out on stage, and have some type of laser fight with the lead singer and all the fans will go nuts. Oh man, that would be great.
[he puts the picture down]
Strong Bad: Okay, you guys, so until next week, it's not required that you sign your email, "Crapfully yours," or "With a bunch of crap," or "Crap in the times," or "Crap is so great," "Everything is crap," "My middle name is Crapperson." You know, you could just put "Sincerely"... or "Yours truly," is another good one. Come on, guys. I'll still read 'em.

Strong Bad: Checkin' my email, checkin' my email, checkin'-checkin'-checkin'-checkin' my email.
E-mail: Dear Mr. Bad, How do you know if someone's butt is stupid? I mean, is there like some kind of IQ test? Crapfully yours, Tyler.
Strong Bad: Oh, come on, Tyler! Don't you remember your algebra, man? It's called the Transitive Butt Property. And it clearly states that the stupidity of somebody's butt is greater than or equal to the stupidity of that person's head.
[brings up a bad graphics picture of Homestar]
Strong Bad: So, take our friend Homestar Runner for instance.
[laughs]
Strong Bad: Look at his stupid head! Look at how stupid his head is. Okay, so you can easily infer from this that because he has such a stupid head, that easily his butt is going to be at least as stupid if not stupider. So there you have it. Okay, so until next time, on a scale from one to awesome, I'm super great.

Strong Bad: [singing] I'm gonna check my email all of the time, doo doo doo...
[reading email]
Strong Bad: "Hi Strong Bad, if you hate Homsar so much, why don't you kill him? From Vinnie C." You know what, Vinnie? You're right. I'll be right back.
[Strong Bad gets up from the computer desk and goes out to an open field where Homsar stands]
Strong Bad: Hey, Homsar!
Homsar: Uh, deah, what is it, Strong Ba-yad?
[after a beat, a weight labeled "Heavy Lourde" falls out of the sky and crushes Homsar, while Strong Bad returns to his computer]
Strong Bad: [typing] Oh man, Vinnie. That feels so much better. Thanks a lot!
[stops typing]
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next time, keep sending me your questions, and I will keep making fun of your punctuation and spelling. I mean, answer them.

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad, how do you type with boxing gloves on? Mike, Bend Oregon.
Strong Bad: Oh, that's a new one. No way do I get this freaking question all the time. I suppose I'll probably answer it right now!
[DELETED! appears on screen]
Strong Bad: DELETED!

[Strong Bad gets caught by The Cheat criticizing the latter's email fans]
Strong Bad: So you been... watching the email, huh?
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: No, I haven't been holding out on you. I made all those emails up. Most of the emails you get are not that friendly, let me tell you. If you just turn around for a second, I could show you...
[quickly slaps a scrap of paper to his computer with "The Cheat" written on it over where Strong Bad's name appears]
Strong Bad: Huttah!
[brings up an email]
Strong Bad: [reading email] DEAR The Cheat, WHERE THE HECK IS YOU SHIRT? YOUR GLOVES ARE STUPID! I HATE YOU, Holmes, California.
[turns to The Cheat]
Strong Bad: See? This guy doesn't like that you don't have a shirt on, and he thinks your gloves are stupid.
[brings up another email]
Strong Bad: And then there's this one:
[reads email]
Strong Bad: Dear The Cheat, how do you type with boxing gloves on your hands? Derek.
[stops reading; back to The Cheat]
Strong Bad: I've been wondering about that, too. What's with you and those boxing gloves, anyway?
The Cheat: [grumpy The Cheat noises; walks off]
The Cheat: So, okay, bye!

Strong Bad: [singing] Checkin' emails is like the best thing I do.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, do you like making out? Because my boyfriend won't... mostly because he's jealous of you. I've tried the whole Peter Frampton thang, but nothing seems to work out. Please help me Strong Bad... Kissless in Santa Rosa.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, Kissless, you're going about it all wrong. Frampton's not going to loosen anybody's lips. If you really want to make out with this guy, you need to go straight to the master of make out rock himself... ME! So here's what you do: You wait til he comes home, then light a few candles and maybe have a glass of wine. And then put on my hit single "You're Really Ugly, But There's Nobody Cute Around." I'll tell you what, he'll be all over you like the King of Town on a Chinese buffet, man.
[stops typing]
Strong Bad: Alright, so until next time, send me more questions. SEND ME MORE QUESTIONS!

Strong Bad: I check, you check, we all check for email, check an email...
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, tell Strong Sad he is dumb and a crappy guy. Your fan, Anthony from South Gate CA.
[Strong Bad gets up and goes into Strong Sad's room, where he is making a greeting card]
Strong Bad: Hey, stupid! You know some guy named Anthony from South Gate?
Strong Sad: Oh, yeah.
[holds up the card]
Strong Sad: I was just making him this card and gonna send him a hundred dolla...
Strong Bad: Yeah, well, he says you're dumb and a crappy guy.
[Strong Bad leaves]
Strong Sad: [disappointed] Ohh...
[Strong Sad starts tearing the card up; Strong Bad returns to his computer]
Strong Bad: [typing on the computer] Look, Anthony, as much as I like insulting my stupid kid brother, I'm not your freaking message service, alright? Next time, you email him yourself. His email address is depressio@homestarrunner.com.
[stops typing]
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next time, everybody email that guy! What guy? Me! Everybody email that guy!

Strong Bad: Hoo! Cha! Cheritiza! Hooritajuzu-duh-email!
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, why are you so mean to the guy with the big white face and gray body? Jen C from Millbrae, CA.
Strong Bad: [typing] Big, white face and gray body? Who is she talking about? Hang on a second.
[brings up various pictures of Homestar characters as he says:]
Strong Bad: Is she talking about Marzipan? No, her head is... more like a baseball bat. Maybe Bubs? No. Bubs is definitely of the blue-headed persuasion. Homestar's got the white head, but... his body's just kinda that red skirt. Strong Mad doesn't really have a head or a body. And The Cheat's physiology just plain baffles me.
[after looking at all the pictures, he comes on one of the Poopsmith]
Strong Bad: The Poopsmith? Oh, the Poopsmith! Why would she think he has a gray body? Maybe her monitor isn't calibrated right. Or maybe she's, like, on one of those old black and white monitors.
[he converts his computer to an old black-and-white Macintosh layout]
Strong Bad: That's it!
[converts his computer back; typing]
Strong Bad: Yeah, maybe I am a little hard on that guy. I should do something nice for him.
[Strong Bad leaves and Strong Sad enters]
Strong Sad: Just on my way to do some stuff...
[sees Strong Bad's computer and the email on it]
Strong Sad: Oh! What's this say?
[reads the email]
Strong Sad: Finally, my comeuppance has arrived! I should go wait somewhere inconspicuous and act none the wiser.

E-mail: DEAR STRONG BAD, IS IT HARD TO FLIP SOMEONE OFF WITH BOXING GLOVES ON? VERY CRAPFULLY: PHYLO D.
Strong Bad: Uh, not really, man.
[holds up one boxing glove-clad hand]
Strong Bad: I'm flippin' you off right now. Of course, there's other ways to give somebody the finger.
[puts his hand behind his back]
Strong Bad: Oh, check it out, behind the back.
[waves his hand in circles]
Strong Bad: Oh, around the world. And my personal favorite...
[holds up both arms]
Strong Bad: Psssshhh! The double deuce!
[to Pom Pom]
Strong Bad: What's your favorite, Pom Pom?
[Pom Pom holds up one hand]
Strong Bad: Ah, Pom Pom likes the single deuce.
[Homestar walks up]
Strong Bad: Hey, Homestar!
[flips his hand to Homestar]
Homestar Runner: Hey, right back at you, Strong Bad!
[walks off]
Strong Bad: He just gave me the bird!
[Pom Pom bubbles in laughter]
Strong Bad: That wasn't funny, man! That'll hurt a guy's feelings.
[brooding]
Strong Bad: Okay, so until next week, send me your email. I will more than likely flip you off.

Strong Bad: [after reading email closing: "Steve Victoria, BC"] BC? Whoa! This is an old freakin' email. Most of the emails I get are ADs. And the occasional JD. Wow. I wonder if it was written on, like, a stone tablet. Or maybe some, uh, papyrus.

[another methods for beating the office dullard is shown. Strong Bad is sitting in the cubicle and Homestar stands behind him]
Homestar Runner: Once I finish my second run, you know, I'll have a smoothie or something, and then I head to the gym, and do, I've been doing about three sets of reps a piece, and then one...
Strong Bad: Psssh!
[Strong Bad flips Homestar the Single Deuce, but Homestar only looks surprised for a moment]
Homestar Runner: Yeah... So, how much can you bench?

[Strong Bad decides to take a break from checking emails and watch TV instead]
Strong Bad: Oh, this is the one where the guy's mom shows the guy's girlfriend the pictures of the guy when he was a baby.
Voice on TV: [sounding offended] MOM!
Strong Bad: Oh, the embarrassment.
[Strong Sad then appears, listening to something on an iPod]
Strong Sad: [singing] ... never, ever, ever, ever, ever write a song about Sibbie.
Strong Bad: Hey! Shut up! Where'd you hear that?
Strong Sad: Geez, I don't know, some song I downloaded off the Internet.
Strong Bad: What? Ugh. I gotta get out of here.
[leaves]
Strong Sad: [resumes singing] And I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever...

Strong Bad: [reading email closing: "From, Taylor R., Queen Creek, AZ"] "From Taylor R., Queens Creek, Alcatraz". Whoa. Somebody on the inside. Get out soon, Taylor.

[Strong Bad is asked via email what he would be like if he was in a video game and what that video game would be like]
Strong Bad: What would I be like in a video game? Well, that all depends on what system we're talking about. Like, if it was on one of those really old machines...
[Strong Bad is shown in an Atari 2600-style game as a simple red square]
Strong Bad: ... the graphics would probably only look *kinda* like me. And I'd run all around a futuristic maze collecting things that look nothing like me. Man, that'd be pretty awesome.

Strong Sad: [to Strong Bad, who is holding a cake behind him] Oh, hey, Strong Bad.
Strong Bad: Hey, wiggidy-wiener.
Strong Sad: Did you have something you wanted to tell me?
Strong Bad: Um... you're the wiggidy-wiener?
Strong Sad: No, not that. What are you holding behind your back?
Strong Bad: Um, a single deuce?
[holds up a boxing glove-clad hand]
Strong Bad: Dooj?
Strong Sad: No, your other back.
Strong Bad: A cake for the Poopsmith? Dooj?
[throws the cake in Strong Sad's face]
Strong Bad: Aw, look what you made me do! Now I gotta make The Cheat make me another cake.
[walks off]
Strong Sad: [cake in his face] I wish I could say this was the first time that this has happened to me... today.

Strong Bad: Oh, man! Email! Ugh!
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad, I am the president of a fraternity, and I was wondering if you would come to our next party. It's gonna be a theme party, so it won't happen for awhile, until we can think of a good theme. Can you think of one? Thanks. Matt, Rochester, NY.
Strong Bad: [typing] Look fratty, I'm not comin' to your party. But I do have a pretty good idea for the theme. I think you guys should throw a "FRAT PARTY."
[stops typing]
Strong Bad: Yeah.
[resumes typing]
Strong Bad: And you could all come in baseball hats from the college that you go to. And khaki pants with a tucked-in t-shirt from the party that you threw last month. And at some point get the guy with kinda long hair to whip out his acoustic guitar and play everybody some white blues. And then you could get a couple of kegs of cheap cold ones and invite a buncha skinny blonde girls... Woah.
[stops typing]
Strong Bad: This party's sounding pretty good, actually.
[resumes typing]
Strong Bad: Count me in, bra.
[stops typing]
Strong Bad: So I guess I'm goin' to this frat party. That's pretty hilarious. Well, see ya next week.

[Strong Bad has placed a security camera in Strong Badia]
Strong Bad: Everything seems to be in order in Strongbadi...
[the Cheat walks up and looks around]
Strong Bad: Oh! Perfect timing. Check out my security counter-measures.
[the Cheat touches the resident tire and gets zapped]
The Cheat: [the Cheat-type screaming] MAAAAHH!
[gets miffed; suddenly a cutout of a bear holding a shark pops up from behind the fence]
The Cheat: [screaming louder and running away, terrified] MAAAAAAHHH!
Strong Bad: [laughing] Look at the little guy run! The Cheat totally freaks out whenever he sees a bear holding a shark.

Strong Bad: [reading email] "Hi, Strong Bad. This is Trevor from Hampden, Maine and I was wondering if you could teach me how to be as awesome as you. I am a vampire and..."
[types]
Strong Bad: And what? That's it? I'm a vampire and here's a million dollars... Or I'm a vampire and here's your own spaceship... I mean, what the f...
[suddenly stops typing]
Strong Bad: Oh, no, I get it.
[sadly]
Strong Bad: THEY GOT HIM! Somebody stuck him with a stake through the heart! Oh, this is so sad! Oh, Trevor, I pine for you.

Strong Bad: [having been asked via email from Steve, Victoria, BC, on why The Cheat is a diligent lackey] The Cheat is a good lackey because he "knows what's best" and "doesn't want to get left by the side of the road during a thunderstorm" or "taped to Pom Pom again". It probably also has to do with the fact that I "treat him like a brother that's not Strong Sad" instead of a "little yellow squeaky thing that some-the-times steals my ladytypes". I also pay him real nice. Which isn't very difficult considering The Cheat "thinks pencil shavings are legal tender". Check it out...
[sharpens a pencil, leaving some fresh pencil shavings]
Strong Bad: Hey, The Cheat!
[the Cheat comes up]
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I'll pay you all these precious pencil shavings if you go pilfer me a cantaloupe from Marzipan's melon patch.
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises; runs off]
Strong Bad: Ahhhh, look at him go. So excited, so naive...
[pronounces "naive" as "knave"; The Cheat returns with a cantaloupe]
Strong Bad: Whoa, super service! Thanks man. You can go back to whatever you were doin'.
The Cheat: [impatient The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Oh, right. Your "payment". Here ya go!
[puts the pencil shavings on The Cheat's head]
The Cheat: [grateful The Cheat noises; leaves]
Strong Bad: Aw, that's almost adorable.

Strong Bad: And coming in at number 91, it's...
[screaming]
Strong Bad: ...e-maaaaaaaaaaail!
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad, it must be really annoying living with someone as whiny as Strong Sad. Why don't you slip him some caffeine? Justin Murfreesboro, TN.
[Strong Bad pronounces "TN" as "Tekken"]
Strong Bad: [typing; laughs] Oh-ho-ho-ho! Devilish laugh. Dear Justin, in addition to the cut of your jib, I likes the sound of your town. Murfreesboro. But we got the All-Wide Science Fair just around the corner and I've been straining for a project. So far all's I've come up with is the effects of gasoline. On fire.
[Strong Bad then goes to pour two spoonfuls of coffee into a glass of orange juice and stirs them both in]
Strong Bad: So, I figure I just drop a couple of heaping spoonfuls of Sanka into Strong Sad's orange juice and collect the ensuing data. I'll definitely get first place. And who knows? I might even win me a Nobel Peace-y Prize.
[Strong Bad is now seen holding a legal pad to write on; he speaks to Strong Sad, who is now juiced up on caffeine]
Strong Bad: So Strong Sad, tell me, how do you feel?
Strong Sad: [speaking very quickly and clapping his hands together] I feel great! I feel great! I feel great! I feel bad! I don't even watch football! I don't even watch football! I can't remember my legs!

[Strong Bad had cheated in a race against Homestar, by having The Cheat knock him out, but everyone else is more concerned about Homestar's safety; they gather around the unconscious Homestar]
Marzipan: Homestar... Homestar, can you hear me? Wake up!
Homestar Runner: [coming to, but still out of it] Huh?
[looks at everyone surrounding him]
The King of Town: You okay there, Homestar?
[Homestar shakes his head, then looks at Marzipan, who, from his perspective, is dressed as a princess]
Marzipan: What's wrong, Homestar? You're looking at me kind of funny.
Homestar Runner: ...Huh?
[looks at Pom Pom, who, from his perspective, is dressed as a monk]
Homestar Runner: Huh?
[looks at Strong Sad and The Poopsmith; Strong Sad, from Homestar's perspective, is dressed as a nun]
Strong Sad: Are you okay, my child?
Homestar Runner: [suddenly standing up] Hold! Whilst thy banter is the freshest of any month-old fruit, I must away, you popinjays! I'm off to find me lute, forsooth!
[Homestar runs off as Marzipan and Pom Pom look on]
Marzipan: What the crap was that?

Strong Bad: [about to check an email] This email is brought to you by a grant from The Cheat and the support of Viewers Like You.

Powered by The Cheat Homestar: Hey, Strong Bad, I need to be kicked into the face.
Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: I can do it. I will do it nine times.
[He jumps in the air and kicks Homestar in the face nine times]
Powered by The Cheat Homestar: This is the last...
Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: Shut it up. Shut it up, you.
Powered by The Cheat Homestar: Shut it up, me.

Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: [cartwheeling] Here I go. Here I go again on my own.
[uses a ramp to jump over buses]
Powered by The Cheat Bubs: Hey, Strong Bad, you jumped over some of my buses!


Strongbad_email.exe: Disc Six (2008) (V)
Strong Bad: [email intro; singing] Start your day the SBEmail way, and never get out of bed!

[Coach Z is in the pool, while Strong Mad stands beside it with his back to him. He lowers his singlet to reveal a message written on his back]
Coach Z: [reading the message] "Your tiny bathing suit demeans us all!" Aw, fine, then! I'll take it orf!
[He puts his hand in the water and pulls out a tiny pink g-strap. The water turns black around him, accopanied by a bizarre humming noise]
Strong Mad: Put it back on! Put it back on!

[the characters filled a swimming pool with gelatinous Fluffy Puff Translucent Dessert Related Substance during the winter, successfully turning the pool into jello]
Strong Sad: We're ready!
Strong Bad: All right!
[He looks around expectantly]
Strong Bad: Well, where are they?
Strong Sad: Where are who?
Strong Bad: Well, I thought this much gelatin would sorta naturally attract oiled-up bikini wrestlers.
Homestar Runner: *I* thought it would naturally attract oiled-up Bill Cosby.

[at Strong Bad's funeral, a recording of himself reading his eulogy plays]
Strong Bad: Greetings, blubbering masses! Pull yourselves together! And turn off the snot works! We are gathered here to di...
[the recording abruptly turns into a rap performed by Coach Z]
Coach Z: I hope I'm not recording over anything important! Okay, drop it! Coach, Z, Coach, Z, 1, 2, 3, 4, I said Coach, Z, Coach, Z, 1, 2...
Homestar Runner: Thank you, Strong Bad. And now a reading from the book of phone. Chapter 16: Pizza Places. Aardvark Pizza. Abraham Lincoln's Pizza Cabin. Acupuncture and Pizza: Open late, free delivery!

[Strong Bad does different takes of various interpretations of the email closing, "Have fun, Sarah, QLD", rather than "Have fun, Sarah, Quick, Look Down"]
Strong Bad: [reading] "Have Fun, Sarah, Quarter Leg, Dark". Are you trying to order fried chicken?
[scene restarts]
Strong Bad: "Sarah, Quiet Loser Dork". Well, it's very big of you to admit that.
[scene restarts]
Strong Bad: "Quivering Live Dwarfs"! Uh... that's my album name.
[scene restarts]
Strong Bad: "Quit Lumbering Down". Hey, I'm not lumbering down!
[scene restarts]
Strong Bad: "Quickly Losing Dignity". Yes. Yes, you are.

Strong Sad: [to Homestar] What's two plus two?
Homestar Runner: Well, the force between any two charges is equal to the absolute value of the multiple of the charges divided by four pi times the vacuum permittivity times the distance squared between the two charges.
Strong Sad: No, no, no, stupid! That's Coulomb's law.
Homestar Runner: Oh, right, sorry. Two plus two? That's easy. Twenty-two.

[Strong Bad has written a fan fiction about the King of Town, involving him eating some whatsit]
Strong Bad: [imitating the King] I can't believe I ate that whole pile of whatsit!
[normal voice]
Strong Bad: ... said the King of Town.
The King of Town: I wish that *were* fiction...

Strong Bad: Let a little email into your heart, and it'll clog your arteries!

Strong Sad: [as Strong Bad puts on body spray] Strong Bad, are you putting on body spray?
Strong Bad: Shut up! Guys don't wear body spray. This is, uh, the blood... of slain... warrior... mammoths.

[Strong Bad contradicts licensing stuff by being famous and that you don't need to be famous to license stuff]
Strong Bad: The true sign of being famous is in the *unlicensed* stuff! And we're all over that! In fact, we've got our own application process for becoming an officially licensed unlicensed seller of Strong Bad and The Cheat knock-offs. The main requirements are that the country of manufacture has changed its name five times since I was in seventh grade, that you sell your wares from a blanket or inside a trench coat, that you always refer to the selling of our items as "numba one bargain", and that one of us has to have a human nose.

[Strong Bad plans to see a movie rated RRR at a movie theater, wearing a fedora and holding a briefcase, with Bubs and Coach Z, dressed as college-aged boys, in tow]
Strong Bad: [walking up to usher Senor Cardgage, rubbing his back in pretend pain] Ow, my pension.
[to Senor Cardgage]
Strong Bad: Oh, hello, my good man. Just taking my two sons here, who are home from college, to see their first triple R-rated movie.
[he gestures to Bubs and Coach Z]
Coach Z: Hey, Pop, can I borrow the Vorlvo?
Bubs: Dad, Trina and I are moving in together.
Strong Bad: [to Bubs and Coach Z] I'll deal with you two later!
[back to Senor, chuckling]
Strong Bad: Kids who are old enough for me to be in my sixties. What're you gonna do?
Senor Cardgage: I'm sorry, Bridget, but can I steep some identificaption?
Strong Bad: [feeling in his pants] Uh, I seem to have left my identificaption in my other, older, and more professional briefcase...
Senor Cardgage: Soggy, Junior. Come back when you're all grold up.

[Strong Bad talks about what cereals have what kind of prizes in them to go for the ones with toys in them]
Strong Bad: The first hazard you have to watch out for is cereals with anything grown in Iowa in the name. You know, corn, wheat, oats, hogs, fundamentally-sound college basketball players. Please, do stay away from these. Those cereals only ever put fitness-related crap in specially marked boxes.
[he shows a step counter and speaks sarcastically]
Strong Bad: Oh, great. I can count how many steps I took today.
[Next, he shows a defibrillator and again speaks sarcastically]
Strong Bad: Fantastic. I can restart my heart if it stops.
[normal voice]
Strong Bad: What you do want to look for are cereals with sound effects in the name: smacks, pops, puffs, blasts, and, um, gunshots in a crowded mall. You know, the kind with the squarish, sugared pieces of Styrofoam that they claim are marshmallows. These are guaranteed to have a nice, big reach-your-nasty-unwashed-hand-straight-to-the-bottom-of-the-box toy in it.

[Intro for the 200th email]
The Poopsmith: [singing] Two hundred SBEmails, exhausting just to think about. How can we face two hundred SBEmails? The thought of all those SBEmails makes me weeeeeeak!
Strong Bad: [also singing; overlapping] *Puke*!
[to the audience]
Strong Bad: Please be seated.
[the Homestar characters watching sit down]
Strong Bad: How about that Poopsmith, huh? Breaking his vow of silence to perform my two hundredth SBEmail intro song.
[his voice wavers]
Strong Bad: I'm almost... sniff... not totally disgusted.
[the Poopsmith gives a thumbs-up]
Strong Bad: Yeah, I take that back.

Strong Bad: [singing] When I was sixteen, I sold all my emails and hit the road.

[Strong Bad tries to receive an image overhaul to keep himself young, and he consults Bubs on how to do it]
Bubs: Well, I've been noticing how kids love anything with a lowercase "i" in front of it. It's working great for me down at the concession stand.
[Homestar and Homsar are seen standing in line at the stand, beside a sign reading "0% off on all iTems!"]
Homestar Runner: [to Homsar] Hey, Homestar, what color iTem are you gonna get?
[Back to Bubs and Strong Bad's discussion]
Bubs: We could try iStrong, or iBad...
Strong Bad: We already tried that with lowercase "e"s back in the late '90s. We all know where that got us.
[various boxes labeled "eStrong Vague Online Investments" are displayed in a dark warehouse]

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Mr...
[sic]
E-mail: ...Strong Bad...
[he reads "Mr" as "Mere"]
Strong Bad: Hey, I am no mere Strong Bad, okay?
[He continues reading]
E-mail: I have three sons that wish to join the Strongbadia army. Do you have any pamphlets, brochures, video information that could assist. Yours, Paul, Perth, Western Australia.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Look Perthy Paul, I've been over this already: Strong Badia doesn't have/need an army. When we need muscle, we farm it out to our favorite band of shady missionaries, er, I mean mercenaries, MERCENARIES! In fact, if your sons are so bonzer to enlist, they can just swing by their booth at our Vaguely Military Career Fair, which just happens to be starting right now!
[the Cheat walks up behind him]
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Oh, it's not for three weeks? Okay.

[Strong Bad is going out to Club Technochocolate]
Strong Bad: [narrating] Of course, the cloughb only lets the freshest clientèle inside. But my name has been laser-etched into the guest list by now.
[Strong Bad approaches the club entrance, where Strong Mad is the bouncer]
Strong Mad: NAME, PLEASE!
Strong Bad: Come on, man, drop the act! I've gotta get into the pwahty cloughb!
Strong Mad: [looking at a grease-stained Blubb-O's bag] YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST!
Strong Bad: The list? You're looking at a greasy bag of fast food!
Strong Mad: DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF!
[he laughs]
Strong Bad: Wait, what? Strong Mad, did you just make a joke? That was pretty good. Now how about letting me in?
Strong Mad: NAME, PLEASE!
Strong Bad: Uh, Spicy Crispy Chicken Melt... Johnson.
Strong Mad: [letting Strong Bad pass] NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MR. JOHNSON!

[Strong Bad is at Club Technochocolate. He walks up to the bar, which Bubs is tending]
Bubs: [to Strong Bad] Well, if it isn't my main man, Spicy Crispy Chicken Melt.
Strong Bad: I need the brightest, glowiest drink in the house.
Bubs: How about a nice Pink Elephant Pants?
Strong Bad: I'll take it!
Bubs: [produces an eyedropper full of some green liquid] That'll be $17.50.
Strong Bad: Whoa! You guys must be having a sale.

Strong Bad: Some would say, "pocket". I say, "in my pants".

[a meeting of The Deleteheads, a Strong Bad fan club presided by Strong Sad, is about to start]
Strong Sad: [to the other members, which include Strong Mad and The Cheat] All right, deleteheads. It's been a big week for the fan club. We finally switched over our web hosting from Geofire to Angelcities. And they've upgraded all of our dead links to hyperlinks. We also had several interesting discussions in the ongoing debate series, "Non Sequitur Champion: Cardgage or Homsar".
Homsar: [also a member] My name's Millions, and I'm the son of a Chipwich.
Strong Sad: Well, debate's over. Oh, and I just received confirmation today that Abdi LaRue, sender of the first Strong Bad Email, is a lock for this year's FHQWHfest. And there's a rumor going around that Stro Bro himself might show up to sign autographs!
[Strong Bad walks by behind him as he and The Cheat carry a really long sub sandwich]
Strong Bad: Yeah... I'm not comin'.
Strong Sad: Don't forget to bombard Strong Bad with emails on Sunday night. I think we should go with asking about Bubs' first wife. Some good potential there. She was a real firebrand, that one!

[Strong Bad tries to receive an image overhaul to keep himself young, and he consults Marzipan on how to do it]
Marzipan: I came up with a few ways to spruce up your look, and add hundreds to your resale value.
Strong Bad: I am legally obligated to ask you to proceed.
[Marzipan shows off a diagram of Strong Bad's head. Various changes are made to the diagram as Marzipan says:]
Marzipan: Thanks. First, we're gonna start with a flagstone path leading up to your chin, right here. Then we'll fill the negative space around your head with Forsythia and maybe some Alberta spruce. And last, we install a water feature right here...
[pointing to the diagram Strong Bad's forehead]
Marzipan: ...which I think will create a great focal point for entertaining summer guests.
[she then adds some tables and chairs around the diagram]
Strong Bad: Oh, this'll work great, Marzipan...
[in her face; yelling]
Strong Bad: ...if I was a BACKYARD!

Strong Bad: [email intro; singing] Coach Z is not that cool. Here comes an email.

Strong Bad: Check the deck, y'all! Press eject, y'all! Well, it's another email and it's about to reject y'all!
E-mail: Dear Strongbad, Is the Paper really quitting? Could you tell me the best moment that you had with the paper? Thank You Kyle, Williams, North Ogden, Utah
Strong Bad: [typing response] No, The Paper's not quitting, Kyle, you total Ogdenite. Ol' Papes is at the top of his game, the prime of his time, the cusp of his stuff!
[the printer that provides the Paper falls off the ceiling and onto Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: OW!
[the printer is a wreck, but manages to print out a sheet of paper with the text on it reading, "I tHiNK i'MM rEAlllyy QUItTinG sTROng BBBaD"]
Strong Bad: The Paper! NO! Why do all my thirty-year-old electronics keep breaking on me?
[another sheet of paper is printed, reading, "wE haDd A goOd RUN, oLD buDddy."]
Strong Bad: We sure did, pal.

Strong Bad: [talking about writing love poems] Women love it when you talk Elizabethan. But you shouldn't be afraid to get Kimberlian or Meredithian if the need arises.
[a Teen Girl Squad scene is shown, with Cheerleader and So and So]
Cheerleader: [to So and So] I can't stand the way Meredith talks!
[Meredith approaches, looking really pleased]
Meredith: I'th hath a cruth on ethry boy'th!
[Kimberly then runs in]
Kimberly: I herly berly on gerly werly!
[Suddenly, the Arrow'd Guy appears, dressed as William Shakespeare]
Arrow'd Guy: [impaling Meredith and Kimberly with a spear] Shakespeared!

[the viewer finds a Mozilla Firefox "Address Not Found" page. Then Strong Sad, in his Deleteheads hat, pops up]
Strong Sad: Oh, no, you don't!
[he gestures toward Strong Mad and The Cheat, also in their Deleteheads hats, camping out]
Strong Sad: The Deleteheads started camping out for SBEmail 200 weeks ago. Back of the line!
[nobody is behind them]
Strong Sad: But there's really no one else here yet, so... you can get right behind us. We're gonna play "Name That Inconsistency" later on if you want to join us. Don't even think about eating any of our Sun Chips! I packed those special!

[Strong Bad, dressed as a flight attendant, gives safety instructions for playing the Nintendo Wii]
Strong Bad: Hello. And welcome to Strong Bad Gameways. Thank you for playing with us today. Please take a moment to familiarize your bad self with the following safety precautions. Due to the possibility of in-game wiggle and waggle, it is recommended that you play your game in a large, open space, free of debris, rubble, and flotsam and Jetsons. Ideal play spaces include: gymnasiums, abandoned airplane hangars, deserts, and fruitèd plains. If you are seated in a window seat, please be advised that the Baba Jaga may show up to steal your firstborn baby. Lastly, your game controller is equipped with a safety cover that can double as a flotation device. Simply pull on the cord, and the device will inflate. But we're not quite safe enough yet. At this time, you may want to inflate your own safety vest to prevent *anything* from ever happening. On behalf of our awesome-based crew, thank you for playing with us. You are now fully prepared to enjoy your game in total unplayable safety.
[cut to Strong Bad and Strong Sad with their Wii in the basement. Since their safety vests are inflated, they are unable to move the controllers]
Strong Sad: I think my contents may have shifted!
Strong Bad: Oh, man. This is the best game I've never played!

Homestar Runner: [to Strong Bad on love poems] Everybody knows I'm the only one around here with any real no-arms-on experience with the lady-makes. Just listen to this little make-out inducing number I threw together this mo'nin'!
[singing and dancing]
Homestar Runner: This mo'nin'!
[Strong Bad dances with him]
Homestar Runner: This mo, re-mo, re-mo-mo'nin'!
Strong Bad: All right, but only 'cause that little song was kinda cool.
[Homestar clears his throat and holds a piece of paper with the word "MARZIPAN" written on it]
Homestar Runner: "M" is for milk, the real stuff, not soy. "A" is for not-organic apples; pesticides ahoy! "R" is for raisins; they give me bad gas. "Z" is too hard, so at this one, I'll pass. "I" is for inchiladas!
[sic]
Homestar Runner: And...
Strong Bad: [upset] Homestar!
Homestar Runner: Yeah, what's up?
Strong Bad: That's not a love poem; that is a lavishly produced grocery list!
Homestar Runner: No, here's my grocery list.
[produces another piece of paper]
Homestar Runner: Amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing, amazing thing.
Strong Bad: Whoa, where you been shopping?
Homestar Runner: SkyMall.

[Coach Z's Nicetown Players perform a skit about being nice]
Coach Z: Oh, man. What a great pratty. I wonder what kid's house this is.
Marzipan: I wonder if he likes me. Will I make the team? I wish my parents would stop fighting.
Strong Mad: Is this my cue?
Coach Z: Hey, Pants Pull-Upper! Nice pulled-up... pants!
Marzipan: I shouldn't laugh, but I want to fit in. Good one, Head Male Cheerleader!
[Strong Mad runs away crying]
Coach Z: My parents' room is out of town in my car. Wanna go park out?
Marzipan: But what about that poor nerd?
Coach Z: Ah, who cares about...
[Strong Mad runs back in swinging a spiked baseball bat, but the scene freezes right before Coach Z and Marzipan get hit]
Marzipan: This is why besing mean is not always the best choice.
[Strong Mad continues to tap Coach Z with the bat while Marzipan talks]

[Strong Bad is about to perform a magic trick on Homestar of sawing him in half. Homestar is in a box, wearing fake arms. Strong Bad holds a saw]
Strong Bad: Now, we've never met before, have we, sir?
Homestar Runner: No, good buddy Strong Bad. We have never met.
Strong Bad: You look like a man of many arms.
Homestar Runner: Yeah, I'm like an octopus.
Strong Bad: All right, hold still! This might hurt a lottle!
[suddenly, Homestar's phony arms fall off]
Coach Z: [watching] That saw didn't even touch him! He's pure evil!

Homestar Runner: [interrupting a chat between Strong Bad and The Cheat] Hey, Strong Bad! Hey, The Squeak! I'm here to make all your dreams come true.
Strong Bad: The Cheat and I are in the middle of a sentence here!
Homestar Runner: What about fifteen cents? I'm here to make fifteen cents come true!
[he tosses three coins on the ground beside Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: Hey Homestar, I've got an idea. Wanna play hide n' seek?
Homestar Runner: Ooh, that's way better! I'll hide and you seek!
[Homestar runs off]
Strong Bad: Ugh.
[he turns back to The Cheat]
Strong Bad: Anyways, back to our sentence...

E-mail: Hails and Horns Strong Bad ,\m/ Have you ever been watching your favorite shows and sequels, and suddenly realized that your favorite character has been unscrupulously replaced with another actor? Nicholas & Antonio Lansing, Michigan
Strong Bad: Wait, you guys are really asking me that? We do that to you people all the time. There've been like twelve King of Towns. And are you telling me you've already forgotten about the original Bubs?
[cut to flashback]
Homestar Runner: Hi, Original Bubs! How's original business?
Original Bubs: Hey, Homestar. I can see you from here!
Homestar Runner: That's some great eyesight, Original Bubs!
Strong Bad: [voiceover] But it wasn't all good eyesight and cheap prices. Behind the scenes lay a thick bubbling pit of crude turmoil!
Original Bubs: Who ate all the mayo off of my egg salad? And how?
The King of Town: It's a proprietary technique I can't reveal!
Original Bubs: This is the first and last straw! I'm outta here, you amateurs!

[Strong Bad has told about the Original Bubs and how the Bubs of today is a new one; Bubs angrily clears his throat behind Strong Bad to get his attention]
Strong Bad: [looking at Bubs] Oh, hey, New Bubs.
Bubs: [clenching his flippers into fists and waving them menacingly] We're gonna need a new *Strong Bad* in about two seconds!
Strong Bad: [reminiscing] Yeah, Original Bubs used to threaten me like that. It just doesn't sound the same coming out of you.
[Bubs punches Strong Bad in the face four times]
Strong Bad: Yeah, Original Bubs used to pummel me senseless like that. It just doesn't sound...
[Bubs raises one fist menacingly; Strong Bad panics]
Strong Bad: Okay, okay, okay!
Bubs: You tell these people that *I'm* the original Buh... b'suh.
Strong Bad: All right, you're the original Bubs!
Bubs: [no longer angry] That's right!
[he turns to the camera]
Bubs: One hundred percent all original Bubs! If I had thumbs, I'd be sticking 'em up my armpits right now!

Homestar Runner: [selling Strong Bad flavored water] I got your Strong Bad water right here! S-B-2-O! Bottled at the source. Pure as a mountain goat.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat walk up, the latter holding a briefcase]
Strong Bad: All right, The Cheat, let's sue him!
[they open the briefcase, which has water balloons inside. They take them out and bombard Homestar with them]
Homestar Runner: Hooray! The orders are violently flying in!

[Strong Sad reviews "Email Thunder"]
Strong Sad: In his shocking 200th episode, Strong Bad turns the entire series on its ear. Will we ever see a 201? Is the reign of HREmails at hand? For the answers to these questions, be sure and *not* check out my blog. I haven't updated that thing in years!

[Strong Sad and Marzipan are picketing Strong Bad's computer usage]
Strong Sad, Marzipan: [chanting in unison] Scrappy the Lappy! We think it's really crappy!

Strong Bad: [entering his bathroom, tired] Sleepy... Sleepy pee...
[suddenly, a tired Homestar with his shirt tattered pops out of the bathtub]
Homestar Runner: [shouting] Ah, you found me!
Strong Bad: [surprised beyond belief] Homestar, what are you doing in here?
Homestar Runner: Remember last spring when you asked if I wanted to play hide 'n' seek?
Strong Bad: But I've taken at least three baths since then.
Homestar Runner: Oh, I've been in here.
[Strong Bad screams]

[Strong Bad and The Cheat are having a tea party]
Strong Bad: And that's when I tampered with the DNA evidence!

Man in Movie: But when I returned, the DNA evidence was gone!
Strong Sad: Ooh, and he had a cameo as Stevedore #2 in the prequel, and he was in that car commercial with the wisecracking transmission, and he has a Bacon number of 4!
Strong Bad: [to Strong Sad] And this is my fist! You might remember it from Bloodied Pulp, the amazingly true story of your face in five seconds!
Strong Sad: He was in Dangeresque 1 and 2!

Homestar Runner: You wanna know what my dream job would be?
Strong Bad: No! I mean, no! I mean, no!
Homestar Runner: I'd be the guy that flies around on that big plastic goldfish, painting the clouds with an oversized novelty toothbrush!
[as Homestar talks, an animation of his dream job plays onscreen]
Strong Bad: Hey, how come *your* imagination's working?
Homestar Runner: Oh, I got admin privileges! It helps when you're best friends with the Big Cheese!
[Pom Pom enters and begins commanding Homestar]
Homestar Runner: Agh! The Big Cheese! Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Right away, sir. Hallelujah, sir. I'll have that DNA evidence on your desk by five.

[Strong Bad does a product endorsement for a cereal called Temporarios after competing in the Strong Badathlon]
Strong Bad: Whoa, wipe my brow. Winning gold medals takes a lot of hard cereal and dedication. That's why I eat Temporarios, the official cereal of athletes you won't remember in two weeks.
[he holds a box of Temporarios]
Strong Bad: Temporarios, 'cause I'm don't get paid!
[sic]

[Strong Bad and Strong Sad are taking jobs at an office in separate cubicles]
Strong Sad: [looking into Strong Bad's cubicle] Hey, cube neighbor, my work staysh is asking me if I want to log off or log out. Which one do I choose?
Strong Bad: [scoffs] Stupid temp. You don't know the difference between logging off and logging out?
Strong Sad: Well, no. Back when I was in charge of the schwa sound at dictionary.com they used to...
Strong Bad: Look, just hold down escape, control, tab, alt, both shifts, num lock and the little squiggly until your screen turns blue. Then, stare at it until your shift ends.
Strong Sad: Oh, thanks!

[Strong Sad reviews The Pizz, a pizza place that Strong Bad somehow created successfully]
Strong Sad: Rustic and filled with old-world cardboard charm, The Pizz serves up Strong Badian-style pizza at a price that won't leave a dent in your wallet!

[Strong Sad reviews Virtualpiz.biz]
Strong Sad: With a clunky UI and a played-out avatar system, Virtualpiz.biz misses the mark! That, and every time I tried to add Strong Bad to my Pizz list, he'd call me Thelonius Dump!

Strong Bad: [talking about annoying moviegoers] It begins with the genius who can't resist answering the oh-so-challenging film trivia slides they show before the movie.
[the Homestar characters are in the theater, looking at the screen]
Coach Z: Oh, I know this one! Pan-and-scan! The Brat Pack! Spencer Tracy!
Strong Bad: [sitting behind him] Real impressive, Ebert. We've only seen this slide ten times since we all sat down.
Announcer: [on movie screen] If you answered "B", you're ready for film school.
[the movie screen displays a "Movie & Refreshment Trivia" slide, whose correct answer is apparently "B: Ice Cold Refreshment"]
Coach Z: [hitting himself] Aw, it was "Ice Cold Refreshment". I should've known.

[Strong Bad is discussing what should be done with his corpse]
Strong Bad: I'm gonna be taxidermied! Nothing sums up my life's achievements quite like my stuffed corpse suplexing a cougar. It'll be kept in a place of honor for all the world to want to make out with.
[Homestar enters and hangs his hat and coat on Strong Bad's corpse]
Homestar Runner: Marzipan, I'm home!
Marzipan: Did you find the DNA evidence?
Homestar Runner: Not yet, but I'm getting close!

[Strong Bad's plan to see a movie rated RRR with help from Bubs and Coach Z has failed]
Bubs: [to Strong Bad] Man, I told you that lame-brained plan wouldn't work. We shoulda been *your* parents.
Strong Bad: What? I'm way too good-looking for anyone to think I'm you guys' kid. And Coach Z only *kinda* looks like my mom.
Coach Z: Hey, thanks! You want I should shave my legs?
Strong Bad: Ignoring that.

Strong Bad: Homestar, are you and Marzipan even dating right now?
Homestar Runner: [laughing] Are we even dating right now? Are we even d... Are we even da...
[sadly]
Homestar Runner: No, she broke up with me again this morning.
Strong Bad: This morning?
Homestar Runner: Oh, I mean...
[singing and dancing]
Homestar Runner: ... this mo'nin'!
[Strong Bad joins him]
Strong Bad, Homestar Runner: [in unison] This mo'nin'! This mo, re-mo, re-mo...

[Coach Z begins vacuuming while Strong Bad answers an email at work]
Coach Z: Hey there, salaried employee.
Strong Bad: [groans] 'Sup, hourly wage?
Coach Z: I couldn't help but notice you're checkin' one a yer emails there. Boy, do I have some good ideas for words to type in an email.
Strong Bad: Yeah, sorry, I'm not really takin' suggestions right now.
Coach Z: Aww, dat's too bad. Sure would be unfarchunate if yer boss found out you was checkin' yer Sbemails at work!
Strong Bad: All right, all right! What do you want me to type?
Coach Z: Ooh, great! Okay, let's see... P... f... a... r... g... t... l? Is that a word?
Strong Bad: Pfargtl?
Coach Z: Yeah! Is that a word?
[Strong Bad hits his head on the keyboard]
Strong Bad: Does it *sound* like a word?
Coach Z: Well I dunno. I only know a few.

Strong Bad: Once it became apparent that Original Bubs was gone for good, there was an interim period of rotating guest Bubs. Like when talk show hosts have surgery, or go to jail.
[cut to flashback]
Homestar Runner: Hey there, Senator Cardgage Bubs. Let me get a manila cheese Coke!
Senor Cardgage: Oh, I should eat a pony.
[cut to new flashback]
Crack Stuntman: [quickly rising from behind counter] Blah! What can I get? For you fine gentlemen?
Strong Bad: Never mind, Crack Stunt-Bubs.
Crack Stuntman: Oh, I should eat a pony.
Strong Bad: [voiceover] And don't forget fan favorite, Onion Bubs.
[cut to random people cheering offscreen for Onion Bubs, then to present-day Strong Bad at his Lappy]
Strong Bad: Finally, we had to settle on a little known Bubs with zero experience. And it's been downhill ever since.

[Strong Sad reviews "Pizza Joint"]
Strong Sad: Strong Bad phones this one in with Strong Bad Email 179. Despite a strong showing from fan favorite Strong Sad, the email ultimately fizzles due to a heavy reliance on what can only be called "internet pizza jokes".

Strong Bad: [continuing his discussion on annoying moviegoers] And if you think the guy sitting next to you munching popcorn is bad...
[the Cheat is seated beside Strong Bad eating popcorn]
Strong Bad: ...try going to a theater where people regularly sneak in their own all-you-can-eat fajitas!
[the King of Town is seated elsewhere in the theater, holding up a frying pan full of sizzling food, and looks toward the camera]
The King of Town: What? This was all in my box of Milk Duds.
[his loyal subjects appear behind him, dressed as a mariachi band. They play a short mariachi tune]

[Strong Bad is checking an email from work]
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, if you could have any job in the whole world, regardless of how much it pays, what would you have? From The Nitwon.
[Strong Bad pronounces "Nitwon" as "Nittle One", then types his response]
Strong Bad: You ask like I haven't told you guys a million times... I'd be a 2nd 2nd Assistant Space Whale Scrubber! 'Cause those are the ones that get to wear that glittery pantsuit and use a lazormop to scrub all the nudules and crudules off the whale's dorsal ridge!
[Nothing happens]
Strong Bad: Umm, shouldn't we be seeing some of this by now?
Bubs: [walking up behind Strong Bad, mimicking a buzzer] Baaghh! Sorry, Strong Bad. The suits had me install a firewall on your imagination! All that free thinking was wasting the company's cost money.
Strong Bad: Oh, that's it! I'm totally never gonna quit this job, but start complaining about it a little bit more!
Bubs: [walking off] Well, I'd better get back to tasering that gnome! Er, I mean, upgrading the tasering that gnome!... server.

[Strong Bad and The Cheat's edge-havery has resulted in them falling into a dark hole, with only their eyes visible]
Strong Bad: Whoa, where are we? I suddenly feel so... easy to animate.

[Strong Bad and The Cheat have sawed a hole in the floor and fell in. Strong Sad looks in]
Strong Bad: [calling up to Strong Sad] Could you get on the Internet and look up if cutting a hole in your own floor is edgy?
Strong Sad: Uh, sure.
[he mimes typing]
Strong Sad: Tappity-tappity-tap. Yeah, I just checked. It is.
Strong Bad: Awesome! I thought so. Where'd you check, like "Have Most Edge Guy" or edgetangle.com? One of those?
Strong Sad: Yup, all the most popular sites. Uh, they recommend staying in the hole for a few days too. So I can finish my novellique.
Strong Bad: Oh, cool!

Strong Bad: [to Coach Z, who is a janitor at an office] Oh, dan... guh. Dang. Oh, dang! I think some customer service rep just puked up her microwave lasagna! You'd better go sprinkle sawdust all over it.
Coach Z: [excited] This is what I live for!
[he runs off, taking his janitorial supplies with him]

[Strong Bad continues his discussion on unlicensed licensees]
Strong Bad: Another great knock-off is DVDs. The ones that are slight variations of slightly animated kids' movies. The kind they put right next to the check-out line, so Grandma might accidentally mistake it for the real thing. And they have titles like...
[a case depicting Strong Bad in a dress, The Cheat as a mouse, and Homestar as an ominous silhouette appears]
Strong Bad: "The Secret Princess and Her Oppressive Supervisor 4". And the always popular...
[a second case, depicting Strong Bad as a lion at a desk and The Cheat as a toucan, appears]
Strong Bad: "Jungle Animals in Decidedly Non-Jungle Situations".

Strong Bad: One of our primary unlicensed licensees is shady daycares. You know, the kind that are open 24 hours and are surrounded by barbed wire.
[a daycare center called Papa Cardgage's Puddin' Patch is depicted]
Strong Bad: They *love* to illegally use trademarked characters to earn desperate parents' trust.
Senor Cardgage: [inside the daycare, singing to "Frère Jacques"] Where is Tompkins? Where is coleslaw? Here I am...
Strong Bad: Man, if I ever have kids, I can't wait to drop 'em off at the puddin' patch every morning on my way to the dog tracks!

[Strong Bad has been asked via email from Paul M. Pasquella if there are ancient ruins buried under Strong Badia]
Strong Bad: Well, Pauly Pasqually, I know for sure there's a lotta *something* buried deep under Strong Badia. Mainly cause I rent out the dirt to unsavory characters in need of a place to stash, ditch, or make disappear, the evidence of their choice. I never really thought that there might be ancient ruins down there, though. I think this calls for America's coolest children's game show consolation prize: the metal detector!

Strong Bad: [reading "Molly T. Charlotte, N.C."] "Molly T. Charlotte, Not Charlotte". Whoa, it's like your no place.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email from Molly T. on how to do a middle-school-appropriate diorama]
Strong Bad: No sense in thinking about this one until you're on the bus on the way to school the morning it's due. Then it's time to whip out my old standby-orama: the whimsical world of school supplies! But dioramas shouldn't be wasted, Mollyman. This is probably the only school-approved opportunity to melt small plastic animals and shame our beloved literary characters that you're ever gonna get. I say embrace it! I say deface it! Here are my tips: first off, behind every good diorama is an even gooder...
[sic]
Strong Bad: ... shoebox. So unless you wanna get called The Stride-Rite Kid for the rest of your life, you better go buy a pair of the coolest, most expensive shoes on the market. Or at least modify a box of cheapo generic shoes to look expensive.

Strong Bad: [talking about R-rated movies] The only thing better than R-rated movies are double and triple R-rated movies! Let me break down the subtle differences for you. In an R-rated movie, the good guy only blows people up in self-defense. But double R-rated movies are allowed to blur the line! Man, I saw this one double R-rated movie, where the good guy stepped on this rabbit, and he didn't kill it, but then later on in the movie, he wished he did! The *good guy*! That's messed up, man! You can't let kids watch that kind of thing! Then in triple R-rated movies, you can show bullets go all the way through people! In the front, through their guts and organs and breakfast and RIGHT OUT the BACK! That is nasty, man!
[a green movie rating card with a rating of "RRR" is shown]
Strong Bad: There's some triple R-rated stuff out there that even I can't stomach.

Strong Bad: [reading email] "Hey Strong Bad, me and some of my friends are thinking of doing a web comic together and I was wondering if you had any suggestions for us. Thanks a lot"
[stops reading; under his breath]
Strong Bad: ... for not using punctuation.
[resumes reading]
Strong Bad: "Gunkiller..."
[he pronounces it as "Gunk-iller"]
Strong Bad: "Standing right behind you."
[typing response]
Strong Bad: Who are you, Gunhaver's evil twin brother? Well I won't be needing your services today; all my gunk is plenty ill already. Web comics are easy, Gunky. They're all about video games, gamernerds, webgeeks, dorknerds, gamewads, nerdgames, webwebs, and elves. So just pick one of those and start tableting! Like the one where the slickly drawn college roommates make nothing but video game inside jokes!
[a comic involving two people vaguely resembling Strong Bad and Strong Sad is shown]
Strong Bad: [in comic] Uh, did you try to case mod that meatloaf you're makin'?
Strong Sad: [in comic] No, why?
Strong Bad: [in comic; holding up a burnt brick] 'Cause I think it's BRICKED!
[both characters now look wide-eyed]
Strong Sad: 3.2ghz cell processor with 3 dual-threaded cores, 1.8 TFLOPS, 256mb XDR...
[this overlaps with:]
Strong Bad: Light bloom, floating point frame buffers, volumetric effects, high dynamic range rendering...
Strong Bad: [voiceover] Oh, I wish knew what that means.

[Strong Bad and The Cheat are looking for ruins buried under Strong Badia]
The Cheat: [questioning The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I already told you, man, where there's ruins, there's riches! And booby traps we can steal ideas from!
The Cheat: [saluting The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Now let's do this!
[he takes out a Taranchula-themed metal detector, turns it on and moves it around. It makes different heavy metal beats in changing frequency]
Strong Bad: Whoa, we're getting warm!
[the metal detector plays a guitar solo]
Strong Bad: We've got something, The Cheat!
[they brush off the ground dirt over what they've found: a small red object]
Strong Bad: It looks like the top of an enormous riches-filled structure! And wait, there's an inscription!
[he reads the inscription]
Strong Bad: "Coldonesdry". Must be the name of some ancient civilization.
[Strong Sad appears]
Strong Sad: Uh, me again. I think that's just the cap of a bottle of Cold Ones Dry. You could probably just pick it up.
Strong Bad: What, are you crazy? I'm not touching that thing! It's booby-trapped! It'll shoot a bunch of poison-tipped witch doctors at me!
Strong Sad: Riiight. Or it's just a bottle cap and you're crazier than ever.
Strong Bad: You may be half-right, kid.

[the printer that provided the old paper to end the Strong Bad's emails has broken and Strong Bad gets Bubs to help him replace it]
Strong Bad: How's it coming up there, Bubs?
Bubs: [on the ceiling] I'm almost finished.
[he makes grunting noises as socket wrench noises are heard, as he installs a new printer]
Bubs: There!
Strong Bad: [typing on the Lappy] Alright, now hit us with some Preeow 2.0!
[the new printer prints out a new paper with the usual closing on it, making shuffling noises as it does so]
Strong Bad: What the? How am I ever supposed to pronounce that garglemesh?
[he mimics the printer's shuffling noises]
Strong Bad: Heunh heownh heunh heownh vvvvvt eangt clonk-a-donk. Doesn't quite roll off the tongue. Alright New Paper, you are officially on trial status. So ya better get to impressin'!
[the paper is printed out further, revealing an ASCII art design of a butt made out hyphens and dollar signs]
Strong Bad: Hmm. Well, that's a start.

Strong Bad: [singing] Email, I'm so in love with you it's kind of inappropriate!
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Helllooooooo Strongbad, I was wondering if Strongbadia had a miniature golf course because I think it would be cool if Strongbadia had a miniature golf course. Hoping to play the Strongbadia miniature golf course soon, Somebody no-one cares about in IA.
Strong Bad: [after reading "Somebody no-one cares about in IA"] Also known as, Everyone in Iowa.
[typing response]
Strong Bad: What, are you getting paid every time you say the words 'miniature golf course?' Because I'd, miniature golf course, like to get in on that ac-miniature golf course-tion. Of, miniature golf course, course, I don't sell out for cheap. I usually get Kozmik Bowling 50 bucks everytime I That Paintball Place Down the Street mention some kind of Waterslide Dan's MoistWorld fun-time emporium.
[the new paper that closes the email comes down]
Strong Bad: No, no, no! Not now! Did that sound like I was done? Get back up there!
[the paper goes back up]

Strong Bad: [after he and The Cheat returned from Sweet Puttin' Cakes] Whoa, that was weird.
[he smacks his lips]
Strong Bad: My mouth tastes like... backwards.
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Your mouth tastes like what?
[the Cheat grins, his teeth having been dyed blue by the water at the course]
Strong Bad: The Cheat, you didn't!
The Cheat: [apologetic The Cheat noises]
[the new paper that usually ends the emails comes down]
Strong Bad: [to the paper] There you go! See? *That* was a punchline! And another thing. Are you ever *not* running out of ink?

[the new paper that ends the email slides down, its printer making shuffling noises as it does so]
Strong Bad: Ugh. That sound. It's got no punch. You just kinda slither out like a boring lizard's tongue. Let's try this.
[he jams a diskette into the paper; the paper prints out further and makes a grinding sound as chunks of plastic fall off]
Strong Bad: There we go. We're good at least until you completely shred that disk.

[the new paper that ends the email slides down, running a calibration test]
Strong Bad: You know, New Paper, you keep sucking just enough to stay interesting.

[Strong Bad has just told about an original version of Bubs that got replaced by the Bubs of today, but the real Bubs forces Strong Bad to rebuke this notion]
Strong Bad: But we really do replace people. Take the New Paper, for instance. Come on, New Paper, disappoint me!
[the new paper that ends the email slides down, then falls down to the ground completely]
Strong Bad: Whoops. Ah, when it comes to disappointing, you never disappoint.

[the new paper that ends the email slides down with a picture print of the old paper on it]
Strong Bad: Nice try, New Papes. Though that does make me feel better. He was so stripedy...

Senor Cardgage: [standing on a lawn mower] Why, hello, Mistretta. Check out Senor Cardgage's Intregway. Dump tell no Mandy, it's just a land mower turned bankways. If you help me buy it, I'll cut you in.
Strong Bad: [running in] I'll help you buy! I'll help you buy it!

[Strong Bad has been asked via email from Gardenboy to explain his awesome wrestling moves]
Strong Bad: Well, Gardenboy, as a crafty ring veteran, I can let you in on a little secret: being an awesome wrestler has nothing to do with awesome wrestling moves! It's all about awesome costumes, gimmicks, and dinosaur tranquilizer fueled ranting and raving! I got my first big break with cable access's longest named wrestling organization: All World Mid-Pro Shirtless Championship Entertainment, or AWMPSCE. Of course, they wanted me to be one of those lame masked wrestlers at first, but I had gimmickier plans.
[he shows off a photo of himself as wrestler Sir Boliver Turnbuckle]
Strong Bad: Sir Boliver Turnbuckle and his signature move, the one-eighth nelson! That was back in the days when pretending to be a pompous Brit was considered a premium gimmick.

Strong Bad: [continuing his discussion on doing middle-school-appropriate dioramas] If the assignment calls for a science diorama, just slap some glue on some cotton balls and BANG!
[a diorama made out of different cotton ball shapes appears]
Strong Bad: The effects of cumulonimbus clouds on sheep, snowmen and... cotton balls. But if you're out of cotton balls, real chunks of the King of Town's beard make a great substitute.
[the cotton turns jagged and covered in blood]
The King of Town: [his beard gruesomely ripped] To be fair, I did eat all the cotton balls.

Strong Sad: [dressed as Twelve-Times-a-Day Man] I can do it! I can do it twelve times!

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strongbad, what do you want for Decemberween? your holiday spirit Talon Jendro, Des Moines, IA.
[Strong Bad does not read "Des Moines, IA"]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Where'd you get that name? George Lucas? Ta'lon J'en-dr'o from the computery generated planet of Des' Moi-nes'ia. Anyways, everybody knows the kind of stuff I want, Ta'lon. A catapult that launches balls of cobras, chainsaw car, subscription to EGM2, hot step-sister. That email writes itself. It's more important that I establish what I *don't* want for Decemberween.
[Cut to Strong Bad and Marzipan on a shopping channel]
Strong Bad: Our first item is a perennial all-star of bad awful Decemberween presents: the ornament
Marzipan: There's no better way to say, "I have no idea what your interests are" than to give someone a present that ceases to be useful the moment it's opened.
Strong Bad: Yes, there's nothing like opening a gift just in time to put it in a box in the attic for a year. And next Decemberween, when you get it back out, guess what? It's still just a cool snowman surfing the Internet.
Marzipan: Internet is *so* hot this year.
[a phone rings]
Strong Bad: Oh, we got a caller.
[he puts an empty hand next to his head]
Strong Bad: Go ahead, caller. How many F-R-one-one-four-P-D-C-eights should I put you down for?
Strong Sad: [on the "phone"] Strong Bad, did you put wildebeest pheromones in my laundry again?
[wildebeest noises are heard over the phone]
Strong Sad: Augh!
[the dial tone is heard]
Strong Bad: Another satisfied customer.

[Strong Bad continues his discussion on his wrestling careers' costumes and gimmicks]
Strong Bad: Once I started getting more popular, my next incarnation was...
[cut to a school gym as Strong Bad as wrestler Il Cartographer enters]
Announcer: And hailing from the age of exploration, the namer of nations, Il Cartographer!
The King of Town: [offscreen] Boo!
Singers: Il Cartographer! He's makin' the maps! Il Cartographer! He's takin' no crap!
[Strong Bad as Il Cartographer walks to a wrestling ring in the room, tossing various maps around as he goes]
Strong Bad: [narrating] And one of my gimmicks was that I'd always come into the ring throwing maps to the restrooms into the crowd!
[Strong Bad arrives at the ring and holds out a flag]
Strong Bad: [poor Italian accent] I claim-a this saggy ring in the name of Il Cartographer!
The King of Town: Boo!

Strong Bad: [continuing his discussion on how to do web comics] Another approach is to just ask for input from your viewers and rip that off for content.
[he turns to the camera and scoffs]
Strong Bad: What a cop-out.
[the paper that usually ends the email slides down, this time showing Strong Bad's email address; cut to The Cheat at his computer]
Strong Bad: The Cheat has one of those. He gets people to send him the weird senders' names from spam emails, and then he makes interpretive drawings based on them. Classics like Colliding R. Reallying and Knowingest J. Drawbridges.
[Strong Bad is shown beside The Cheat watching his drawings based on the spam emails]
Strong Bad: That stuff is totally messed up, The Cheat. That gunk is ill.

Strong Bad: [continuing his discussion on doing middle-school-appropriate dioramas] If you need to make some historical diorama, there's only one way to go: presidential assassinations. You can immortalize such tragic moments in U.S. history as the robot that effortlessly offed Jimmy Carter. And if it's a book report you're doing, the easiest way to get around reading an actual book is to make one up yourself. I can't tell you how many dioramas I got out of "The King of Town's Adventures In Giant Cockroachland", books one through seven. Though with the Internet, it's probably easier for teachers to check your sources than in my day. To get away with that now, you'd also have to make a fake website for the book and the author and the publisher, and just to be safe, maybe go ahead and actually write the book. Man, it's getting so hard to cheat these days!
[the Cheat walks by behind him, carrying his computer]
The Cheat: [agreeing The Cheat noises]

Strong Bad: [referring to his Il Cartographer wrestling persona] That was back when my big feud with Homestar Runner was in full swing!
[an announcer is seen backstage with Homestar wearing red pants]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Joining me backstage in historic empty high school gymnasium is a man that needs no introduction. Introducing the Jack 'Em Up Kid!
Homestar Runner: Well, you know, announcer man, that's right! Hoo, yeah! Jack 'Em Up Kid, empty high school gymnasium, sizzleweight belt on the line! Hoo, yeah! That's right! That's correct! That's precisely what I'm talking about! I got the drive, I got the commotion! I can't believe it! Hoo, yeah! El Photographer, what you gonna did, when you get jacked up, by the Jack 'Em Up Kid?

[Strong Bad continues his discussion on unlicensed licensees]
Strong Bad: Novelty confections have to be my favorite growth sector of the unlicensed merchandise industry...
[he displays a box of The Cheat-shaped marshmallows]
Strong Bad: like these sugar-crusted marshmallow The Cheats.
[He then displays a Strong Bad-shaped blob-like lollipop]
Strong Bad: Or this gummi gelular pop from Strong Badge: The Movie.
[He then displays a toothbrush with Strong Bad's head on it, which is unscrewable]
Strong Bad: And who wouldn't want to rot the teeth right out of their kid's head with this spinning Strong Bad sugar toothbrush?

[Strong Bad received an email that was intended for Homestar but went to Strong Bad instead]
Strong Bad: Hey, Homejob! Some stupid girls that are probably really guys accidentally emailed me...
Homestar Runner: Ugh. Strong Bad, how do you keep gettin' in here?
Strong Bad: What? What are you talking about? I just...
Homestar Runner: I'm in the middle of checking my email.
Strong Bad: Whaddaya mean, *your* email? I'm in the middle of checkin' *my* email!
Homestar Runner: You're not the only one around here that answers emails from fans with humorous results.
Strong Bad: Since the crap when?
Homestar Runner: I dunno. Since forever. Don't you remember? You're in a bunch of 'em.

Strong Bad: [asked via email by Lewis Rudkin if he could throw The Cheat or beat up Homestar for no reason] Y'know, it's funny how this always seems to work out, Rudkin, but those just happen to be the first two events in the Strong Badathlon! Unfortunately, they also happen to be my two worst events. The Cheat Chuck is consistently dominated by the Kenyans. I mean the Poopsmith. Ever since he devised the Whatsitburied Slop, that guy's unbeatable!
[the Poopsmith digs into a pile of whatsit with a shovel and pulling out a whatsit-covered The Cheat and throws him over his head]
The Cheat: [screaming The Cheat noises as he flies through the air]
Coach Z: [holding a distance marker and watching The Cheat fly by] Holy gorsh, it looks like a new record!

[Strong Bad and The Cheat have set up a pizza place called "The Pizz" as a front to meet girls]
Homestar Runner: Umm, yeah. Lemme get a slice of p-roni, with some t-sauce, and m-rooms.
Strong Bad: Homestar, get outta here! We're not a real pizza place! This is just a front to meet some girls!
Homestar Runner: Ohhhhh. Lemme get a calzone, then. With, uh, p-loaf and m-cheese.

[Strong Bad has tried to check an email from work sent by someone called The Nitwon]
Strong Bad: Nevermind, Nitwit. Checking sbemails at the office is not worth the trouble. I dunno how all those bloggers do it. Oh well. I guess I'd better get back to work.
[he is asked if he wants to log off or log out, then types "esc.ctrl.tab.alt.shift.shift.numlock.~.<"]
Strong Bad: 'Scape... tab... squiggly...
[a log off/out error is displayed]
Strong Bad: Oh, it's gonna be a long one. I haven't even taken my first sit-in-the-men's-room-and-play-Tetris-for-an-hour break yet.

Strong Bad: [to Bubs] Whaddaya got in the way of things I can sit on whilst I check emails?
Bubs: Ooh! Lucky for you, I just got this pre-owned box of chicken beaks in just now! Like, right just now!
Strong Bad: Okay, okay, okay... But, uh, you got anything less anthrax-y?
Bubs: I got this old Winger album.
Strong Bad: Well, yeah, that is less anthrax-y, but I was kinda hoping for a chair of some kind.

Strong Bad: [asked via email how to keep a bike from being stolen] Well, first off, how do you know your crappy bike is even worth stealing? How many pegs you got? Mag wheels? White tires? Worthless baseball card in the spokes? If not, then you got nothing to worry about. What self-respecting bicycle thief would steal a, shudder, ten-speed? Or a, shudder, shudder, mounTAIN bike? The only thing those bikes gets...
[sic]
Strong Bad: ... you is tired. Any bike with a water bottle holder is a complete waste of bike. But, let's pretend you do have a cool bike. I would first go to my old thieving standby: dress up like a bush.
[Strong Bad is seen disguised as a bush. He picks up a bike belonging to Pom Pom and tries to carry it off]
Strong Bad: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
[Pom Pom notices]
Strong Bad: Oh, I mean... Bush. Bush. Leaves. Branch. Um, berries.
[narrating]
Strong Bad: And don't forget: dressing up as a bush is also a great way to get free pizza!
[Strong Bad walks up to Bubs' Concession Stand in his bush disguise]
Strong Bad: Can I have some free pizza?
Bubs: [handing him a box of pizza] Sure thing, bush!

[Marzipan and Strong Sad are at Club Technochocolate]
Marzipan: You don't look like you're having very much fun, Strong Sad.
Strong Sad: Oh, I'm having a great time. This is my favorite club to go to and not dance. Sometimes I'll even think about dancing and then not dance. And if I'm feeling really crazy, I'll actually get out on the dance floor and bust some fresh not-dancing.
Marzipan: Then how about I bust out some fresh not-hanging-out-with-you?
[turns and leaves]

Bubs: [Strong Bad and The Cheat are digging for what's buried under Strong Badia] I'm here for my weekly...
[clears throat]
Bubs: ..."delivery".
[gestures to several steel drums of toxic waste behind him]
Strong Bad: Yeah, yeah, just bury it wherever. But if you uncover any ruins, or hot aliens, or riches, they're mine, okay?
Bubs: Uh, what about fellas named Rich?
Strong Bad: What? No, I don't know anyone named Rich.
Bubs: Okay, good. Then he can stay where he is!
Strong Sad: [standing beside them the whole time] Uh, is there any way I can unhear the last few sentences? Or years of my life?

[Strong Bad is at a booth for the On Point Kings at the Vaguely Military Career Fair. He wears an eye-patch and a fake mustache]
Strong Bad: Excuse me, Ganglo-Saxon. You look like the type of kid that gets his lunch handed to him daily. Well, if you'd like to be the lunch-handerer for a change...
[raises one of his boxing-glove-clad hands, which has a robotic claw on it]
Strong Bad: ... then boy, do the On Point Kings have a brochure for you!
[shows a brochure]
Strong Bad: It's a Roman trifold printed on 65-pound card-stock.
[he shows off the various features of the brochure]
Strong Bad: Fourteen-point Helvetica, laid out using Quark Express! A *pirated version* of Quark Express!
[shows a section of the brochure showing pictures of the On Point Kings in action]
Strong Bad: We specialize in black ops, brown ops, and the occasional beige op.
[he shows off a "classified" clip of Strong Badia, where The Cheat, also wearing a mustache does a game of hopscotch]
Strong Bad: C'mon, The Cheat, go for sixies! Sixies!
[cut back to Strong Bad at the booth]
Strong Bad: How do you ever expect to get an eye-patch, mustache, or robotic arm like this...
[clanks the claw of his robotic arm]
Strong Bad: clank, clank... unless you join up with a shady band of missionaries? Oh, crap, I did it again! Mercenaries, I meant mercenaries! We do bad stuff!

[Bubs is about to show Strong Bad some new chairs to sit on while checking emails]
Bubs: All right, we'll start at the tip and work our way to the tup.
Strong Bad: You make less sense every day, Bubsy.
Bubs: Crabadonk!
[the wall of the concession stand drops down, revealing a red, white and blue-striped bicycle seat]
Strong Bad: Hey, that's no chair! That's Red, White and Banana, my old bicycle seat. I used to ride that thing on my paper route all the time.
[Strong Bad fantasizes about himself as a youngster, riding the bike up to a house, lights a newspaper on fire and then throws it at the house so as to set it on fire, too]
Strong Bad: No, I'd better pass on that. I've had a few too many wipeouts on that thing as a kid.
Bubs: Ugh! You nasty!
Strong Bad: What?

Strong Bad: [reading email closing: "Lyd and Jules, ID and MO, respectively"] "Lyd and Jules, Idiot and Moron, respectively".

Strong Bad: [reading email closing: "Virginia, MI"] "Virginia, M-I".
[disappointed]
Strong Bad: Oh, not smart enough for MIT, huh? Just MI?

[Strong Bad and The Cheat are attempting to trap Homestar in a cage using Fluffy Puff Marshmallows and melonade as bait and holding up the cage with a rope]
Strong Bad: I don't understand! Where is he? He usually falls for this one by now.
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Oh, man! Stupid clever hide n' seek ploy. This thing's gettin' heavy. Switch to the Strong Sad bait.
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises as he tosses a barrister's wig onto the bait]
Strong Sad: [offscreen] Ooh, Parliament.

Strong Bad: [sitting in a cubicle next to an office and wearing a headset] No, ma'am, this would be a password you gave to us. Yes, sir, it could be the last four digits of your dog, or your mother's maiden credit card number...
Homestar Runner: [calling out from offscreen] Hey, Strong Bro, keg party at the water cooler!
Strong Bad: [to Homestar] Not now! I'm talking to phone tree survivor number thirteen!
[back to headset]
Strong Bad: Yes, baby, the whole password.
Homestar Runner: Stro Bro, free bagels at the water cooler!
Strong Bad: [suddenly excited] I'm sorry, ma'am, free bagels just happened.
[runs off; sees Homestar stuffed inside a water cooler with one leg sticking out of a water dispenser]
Strong Bad: Aw, man! This isn't free bagels!
Homestar Runner: No, but it is free... ing Homestar from the water cooler. That's pretty sweet.
Strong Bad: Just explain to me what you were *trying* to do when this happened.
Homestar Runner: Well, I was in Barbados, hanging a picture on the wall...
Strong Bad: Okay, that tells me everything I need to know. How 'bout we try this?
[presses the button on the dispenser with Homestar's leg in it]
Homestar Runner: Ow, ow, OW, STOP!
[Strong Bad stops pressing the button]
Homestar Runner: Sweet genius, that hurt! Oh, well, just forget it. I'll just stay in here for the rest of my life. Just stack my mail on top of me, would ya?
[Strong Bad walks off]
Homestar Runner: Thanks, S-bro! Man! Where should we go for lunch today? Chinese buffet?

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad, I attended a slumber party and there was nothing but a lame game of Uno. I ask you, what types of slumber parties should one attend or ignore? Sincerely, Thomas O. from NY.
[Strong Bad reads "NY" as "N-Y"]
Strong Bad: [typing response] So it was just you and Uno? Like, no other people or sleeping bags or R-rated movies? Uh, you probably shoulda skipped that one. Family card games are notorious for hosting the worst slumber parties.
[Strong Bad is seen sitting at a table, staring at a stack of cards]
Strong Bad: [flatly] Thanks for inviting me, Skip-Bo.
[cut back to Strong Bad typing at his computer]
Strong Bad: But let's say you get invited to a slumber party by a carbon-based lifeform. The first thing you wanna look at is the popularity of the host. According to Coolguy's Law, the popularity of the host is inversely proportional to the amount of fun you can have at their house. You got nothin' to lose! You can tear that place apart and dislocate all the younger siblings' shoulders you want. It's not like you're ever goin' back there again.
[Strong Bad and Homestar are seen in the latter's bedroom, with various sledgehammers smashed in the wall and Strong Bad holding a sledgehammer]
Homestar Runner: What did you say the name of this family card game was again, Strong Bad?
Strong Bad: This is called Find The Load-Bearer. You never played this before?
Homestar Runner: No.
[sees two axes stuck in his bed]
Homestar Runner: Find The Load-Bearer, Bed Axe... I never heard of any of these games we're playing.

Strong Bad: There was a time when I used to try to play actual games of hide n' seek. But it ain't easy with all the brain geniuses around here.
[Strong Bad sees Strong Mad standing behind a tiny stick sticking out of the ground, with his back turned to it]
Strong Bad: Uh... Strong Mad? Buddy? That's the same spot you hide in every time we play.
[Strong Mad is actually seen standing behind "himself"]
Strong Mad: [disappointed] DAWWW!
Strong Bad: Whoa! Did you make a hiding spot out of you hiding in your usual hiding spot? To hide behind?
Strong Mad: I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT!
Strong Bad: And it was well worth your time.

Strong Bad: [reading email] Dear Strongbad, I would like to Draw a few comics about you and the cheat. But first I'd need to know what type of promblems...
[sic]
Strong Bad: ... you and the cheat would be faced with. Once I get a rough copy I'd send it to you to see how you like it. I hope you...
[sic]
Strong Bad: ... interested. Malinko.
[typing response]
Strong Bad: Well Malinko, I hope *you*...
[sic]
Strong Bad: ... interested in getting sued into the middle ages by The Cheat and me. Cause that's what would happen if you drew a few comics about us. Just like that time Homestar started selling Strong Bad...
[queasily]
Strong Bad: ... flavored water. We shut that mess down on the quickfast.

[Strong Bad was asked via email from a fifth grader named John Katulla to make a hygiene movie, so Strong Bad makes one that has John in it. The movie begins]
Strong Bad: [narrating] Meet John.
[Homestar appears as John, looking very much unkempt]
Strong Bad: John is a cruddy fifth grader. Hi, John!
Homestar Runner: [voice breaking] I'm a latchkey champion.
Strong Bad: [narrating] Meet Gene.
[Strong Bad appears as Gene, with stylish blond hair and wearing a nice shirt]
Strong Bad: Gene is a beacon of light shining through the stink cloud generated by John. Hi, Gene!
[as Gene]
Strong Bad: TGIG, y'all! Thank God I'm Gene!
[narrating]
Strong Bad: Gene is popular and doesn't get good grades. John has no friends and sits in the front row. What is John missing that Gene has? Besides rich parents? That's right, hygiene!
[as Gene]
Strong Bad: Hi, gals!
[narrating]
Strong Bad: Hygiene is defined as how close people are willing to stand next to you. John wears clothes that smell like chocolate milk with a stomach virus. Gene's mom buys all of his clothes, but she is young and hot enough for that to be okay.
Gene's Mom: [holding out some keys to Strong Bad as Gene] Mommy's got a grown-up headache, Gene. Why don't you take the boat out for a while?


Strongbad_email.exe: Disc Five (2007) (V)
Strong Bad: [email intro; rapping] E-mail theme song! 1-2-3! A da-da-checka e-mail with me, SB, y'all!

Strong Bad: Oh great! My antidepressants ran out. Nothing quite dulls the pain like several half-full bags of Italian-Herb-Chipotle-Buffalo-Ranch-Guacamole-Thai-Peanut style chippity chunks. Guess I better slink over to Bubs' and get my prescription refilled. Sliiiiiink...

[Bubs is staring at the side of his concession stand when Strong Bad walks up]
Strong Bad: [at an exaggeratedly slow pace] Bubs! What craziness... is going on... over here?
Bubs: [also at an exaggeratedly slow pace] Oh! Strong Bad! You startled me. I was just counting the bricks on this side of the building. I'm up to 248.
Strong Bad: Two hundred and forty-eight. That's just a little less than 250.
Bubs: Yep. I remember learning that in school.

[Strong Bad has arrived in a vector field and met Vector 3D Strong Bad. Then Stinkoman arrives]
Stinkoman: Hey, guys! How's challenges?
Vector 3D Strong Bad: What it is, my doge?
Strong Bad: Whoa, you two know each other?
Stinkoman: Oh, totally sure! He's my training simulator. Check it out!
[Vector 3D Strong Bad moves about, shooting 3D geometric attacks from his mouth, while Strong Bad and Stinkoman dodge them by jumping about. Then it ends]
Stinkoman: [to Strong Bad] Nice work, big nose.
Strong Bad: Big nose?
Stinkoman: Your nose!

Strong Bad: [singing] You've got the munch, the crisp and the crunch, living in the gutter with Grandma! When life pulls you in, you go for the win! Y2K turned out all right! SBLOUNSKCHED! You can do it! SBLOUNSKCHED! Crunchy chew it! Who's got the money? You got SBLOUNSKCHED!

Strong Sad: Look, you can tell me!
Homestar Runner: [ashamed] I can't!
Strong Sad: Oh, come on, what is it?
Homestar Runner: I'm... pregnant!
[suspensful music plays]
Strong Sad: No. No, you're Homestar. Runner. The *male.*
Homestar Runner: Oh, phew. Thought I was a pregnant woman for a second there.
Strong Sad: Yeah. Uh, I think I'd like my money back now.

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading it] Have you ever been the narrator for a movie? Grant Gossman from Minnesota.
Strong Bad: [typing response] No Grossman, I have not. But you know what's way better than narrating movies? Narrating peoples' pathetic everyday lives like they're movie trailers. Ready? Let's try it!
[Strong Bad goes to Strong Sad's room, where Strong Sad is eating a small pie]
Strong Bad: [dramatically] Meet Strong Sad.
Strong Sad: What? Who are you talking to?
Strong Bad: All he ever wanted was to eat his grody ethnic food in peace.
Strong Sad: Hey man, this is a Rogan Josh pot pie!
Strong Bad: Until one day, fate threw him a curveball.
[an octopus flies through the air and hits Strong Sad in the face, where it sticks]
Strong Sad: Ow!
Strong Bad: [on a logo splash] Lump of Dump Pictures proudly presents: "Whined & Dined". In the game of life, may the best man... whine.

[Strong Bad receives an email on if he and his gang have ever been on a road trip before]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Oh, yeah! Me and The Cheat, we're roadtripcionados. And one thing I've found, is that every good road trip needs a good inside joke that only the people that went on the road trip will get. And your friends that didn't go on the road trip will want to kill your legs every time you bring it up. These days, I make up the inside joke before I go on the road trip, just in case one doesn't happen. For this road trip, we'll make it... jumbo/LARGE. Get it? jumbo/LARGE? It's like a maxymoron.

[Strong Bad had gotten Pom Pom to take some headshots of him as a model]
Strong Bad: I can't wait to get those pictures back from the lab. I can totally see some of them being used in one of those glossy fashion magazines. Y'know, the kind that cost nine bucks and are 97% ads. Like maybe in an ad for those fancy leather shoes that you're supposed to wear without socks. WITHOUT SOCKS!
[a tube sock ad also featuring Strong Bad appears on screen]
Strong Bad: Man! Can you imagine the luxury! Ooh! Or some kinda fancy men's colognac.
[an athletic foot cream ad featuring Strong Bad appears on screen]
Strong Bad: And I can be laying next to some skinny blonde girl looking totally disinterested. You know like, "Whatever, baby. You can't even approach the flava... of my colognac." No wait! The cover of some steamy romance novel!
[the cover of "Unnatractive Detective Stories! The Case of the Dame with the Hard-to-look-at Teeth," depicting Strong Bad and a hideous woman, appears on screen]
Strong Bad: And my ripped self would be on top of some cliff or lighthouse clutching a milkmaid in a flowy dress. And she'd be like, "No, Parson Jim, it can never be!" But I'm all like, "Look in your heart, Chezmerelda."

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Hello Strong Bad, I can't seem to fall asleep latley...
[sic]
E-mail: ... and I was wondering, you know, if you would tell me a bedtime story. Good Night. Justin Wagley, Keller, TX
[Strong Bad reads "Keller, TX" as "Killer taxes"]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Justin Wagley, huh? Well, this just in, Wagley! I'm not your freakin' babysitter! Or your dad. Or your dadbysitter. But I am The Cheat's dadbysitter and he's been having some problems falling asleep latley...
[sic]
Strong Bad: ... too, ever since he watched that shock-you-mentary about gingivitis.
[cut to a frightened The Cheat watching television]
Man on Television: In the final stages, the gums took on the appearance and taste of chocolate pudding.
The Cheat: [a worried The Cheat noise as he turns completely pale]

[Strong Bad's Internet connection on his computer has been really slow as of late, so he calls his Internet service provider to see what's up. Homestar answers the phone]
Homestar Runner: [on the phone] Thank you for calling the Internet. May I have your account number or identity theft, please?
Strong Bad: No, but you can have a heapin' helpin' of my unbridled rage!
Homestar Runner: [sounding like he is reading from written words] Ma'am, please calm down. Your CD tray is not a cup holder. I cannot help you clear your browser cache. No, I'm not in India.
Strong Bad: Shut up and listen. My Internet is crawling along like... something... funny... that crawls along.
Homestar Runner: All right, I can help you with that. Please hold while I transfer you to someone who can help you with that.
Strong Bad: [incredulously] What!
[Homestar then hums hold music, even singing "It's the hold music," a few times as well while humming]
Homestar Runner: [talking like a phone] Thank you for holding. Your call is very unportant to us. The next available representative wi...
[He then speaks in his normal voice]
Homestar Runner: Okay, I'm back. Lemme just verify your address so I can send you my weight in free sign-up CDs.
Strong Bad: Ugh, enough! I'm marching my pasty white bwathom down there to talk to the man in charge!
[He slams the phone down and leaves]
Homestar Runner: [still talking on the phone] I'm so glad we could get that resolved. Is there anything else I can...

[Strong Bad was asked via email what would happen if his head and his body were each disconnected from the other]
Strong Bad: While my head and body are normally the bosomest of buddies, I suppose I could double my productivity if they were separated. Like, I could raise that ruckus I've been planning in two days instead of four! The plausibilities are endless!

Strong Bad: [checking one last email on the Tandy 400] Green lines. Green, green, lines, it's a Strong Bad Email again.
E-mail: dearest strong bad do you remember the email you deleted the hardest sincerly...
[sic]
E-mail: ...josh oakland
Strong Bad: Well, let's just see here. Zero capitalization, misspelling, lack of punctuation... looks like a winner to me!
[typing response]
Strong Bad: Dearest Josho, I have some good news for you! I DO remember the email that I deleted the hardest. And I'm still remembering it right now! Homestar! Little help, please!
[Homestar starts pouring Mountain Dew into one of the Tandy's cracks]
Homestar Runner: I'm way ahead of ya, SB.
Strong Bad: Then, we'll just add some of The King of Town's fizzy denture tablets.
The King of Town: [offscreen] Thems is my after-dinner mints!
[Strong Bad pours the tablets into the crack]
Strong Bad: And now if you'd please turn in your hymnals, and join me in singing number 119, a-deleted.
[Strong Bad strikes a key, causing the word "DELETED!" to appear on the computer screen in a Gothic font]
Strong Bad, Homestar Runner: [singing in unison] Deleted!
[Strong Bad then impales the keyboard with a pick-axe and the Tandy 400 explodes into green square pixels, creating a bad graphics mushroom cloud]
Strong Bad: Good-bye, old girl. They'll always say you went out in a blaze of green rectangular glory.

Strong Bad: [to Homestar at an exaggeratively slow pace] What are you... um... doing?
Homestar Runner: [also at an exaggeratively slow pace] I'm practicing... closing... my eyes. I'm not very... good... at it... though.
Strong Bad: I see.
Homestar Runner: More like... *I* see.
[Homestar strains to close his eyes until they're completely closed]
Homestar Runner: Ooh, there we go! Now I see what all the fuss is about.
[his eyes pop open again]
Homestar Runner: Oops, I lost it.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email if he has a secret identity]
Strong Bad: [typing response] I believe your question was about my secret identity. Well, let me ask you this: have you ever seen The Poopsmith and I in the same place at the same time? Dun dun DUUUNH! That's right! It is I who dons the crappy orange gloves and shovels...
[the Poopsmith appears behind Strong Bad and pokes him with his shovel to get his attention. Strong Bad turns and sees him]
Strong Bad: What the...? What are you doing here? You ruined my scam, man! I was gonna have all of everyone believing that I was you and that the steaming pile of whatsit was really a smoldering pile of money covered in whatsit. How'd you get in here anyways?
Homestar Runner: [walking in] I let him in.
[He gives the Poopsmith a burger]
Homestar Runner: Here you go.
[to Strong Bad]
Homestar Runner: Oh, and you're out of mayo.
Strong Bad: Is there like a sign on my door that says, "Wanted: Everyone I hate. Inquire within"?
The King of Town: [coming in] I didn't see one.

[Strong Bad continues to narrate peoples' lives like movie trailers. He heads over to Bubs' Concession Stand where he sees Bubs talking to Coach Z. Dramatic music plays throughout the scene]
Strong Bad: [dramatically] In a post-apocalyptic world where weird old men survive on boring conversations...
Bubs: [to Coach Z] I suppose we could talk about my napkin friend for another couple hours.
[He holds up a napkin]
Strong Bad: ...a line will be drawn.
Coach Z: [to Bubs] YOUR napkin? Well, it's got my snot balls on it.
Strong Bad: A hero will rise.
Bubs: [to Coach Z] Man, you don't even have a nose!
Strong Bad: And an empire will fall.
[Bubs closes the metal gate of his stand. The gate has the words "4actor Z" written on it in graffiti]
Strong Bad: "Factor Z"!

[Strong Sad walks up to Strong Bad, holding a bunch of mail, including a magazine]
Strong Sad: Hey, Strong Bad, I was just looking through today's mail, and guess who made the cover of Husky Headed Boys Back 2 School Catalog.
Strong Bad: WHAT? Back-to-school already? It's not even July. So, who's on the cover?
Strong Sad: Uh, you are.
Strong Bad: What? I ain't got no husky head.
Strong Sad: Well, it's about the same size as my husky body. Oh, and this check...
[He holds out a check]
Strong Sad: ...from Husky Headed Boys Catalog came...
Strong Bad: [grabbing the check] Whoa-ho! My husky head commands a pretty penny. This'll bring home a few months' worth of bacon. I bet your husky body's not worth 108 dollars.
Strong Sad: No, but poachers have offered several thousand for my feet.
[Homestar Runner walks in, holding another magazine]
Homestar Runner: Hey, guys, guess who made this week's cover of Stupid Coincidence Magazine!

[both Homsar and The King of Town are hanging from a pair of ropes tied to the top of a cliff]
Homsar: This party is top dollar!
Strong Bad: [walking in] Alright, cliffhangers, prepare to be resolved!
[He takes out a knife and uses it to cut the ropes, causing Homsar and the King of Town to fall]
Strong Bad: Oh, and I brought you some snacks.
[He tosses some full paper bags off the cliff]
The King of Town: [voice echoing] You're a good friend, Strong Bad!

[the Cheat has just made Strong Bad a new No Loafing sign using a new computer with a thinner monitor and a wireless mouse]
Strong Bad: Well, I don't know how we're gonna print it out, seeing as how somebody sliced off the back of your monitor. And quit rubbing that plastic bar of soap on the desk! You clearly don't have what it takes to bring No Loafing into the digital age.
[He turns and faces the camera with a smile on his face]
Strong Bad: But I does!

[Strong Bad is asked via email if Strong Badia has a space program]
Strong Bad: Who doesn't have a space program these days? I mean, don't, like, the Italians have a space program? Ours is called SBASAF. The Strong Badian Administration of Some Aluminum Foil. The only problem is, we blew our whole budget on this kick-awesome logo and on our orientation filmstrip.

Strong Bad: When Email comes to town, you know, you know, it's like a rainstorm, in your browser.
E-mail: Dear Super Bad, It bugs me how your email show doesn't have a theme song. If it did have a theme song, your show would be a whole lot cooler. Jonathan Sha*heen*! Ontario, Canada
Strong Bad: Oooh, a little south of the border flavor. Dear Supper Bag, It bugs me how your face doesn't have a not tons of acne. If it did have a not tons of acne, you would be a whole lot cooler. Look, you don't know what you're talking about, Sha*heen*! Theme songs are just an excuse for showmakers to make less show. I'm sure viewership would triple if I had one of those crappy cartoon theme songs that bludgeons you over the head with the blunt end of the show's premise.
[the theme for "The Strong Bad Email Show" is played]
Singers: Strong Bad is a wrestleman; he's the email-checkinest guy in the land! He checks real emails from the 'net; he's got two brothers and The Cheat, his pet. The Cheat, his pet! There's nobody dumber than Homestar Runner on "The Strong Bad Email Show"!

Strong Bad: [writing for an advice column in Scarfgirl magazine] Dear Buttless in Bedstuy, Sounds like YOU need to play more video games, galpal. And not those girly ones where you pretend to be a dog or a frog neither. I'm talkin' about the explodey ones. The kind that make you dizzy when you play 'em. Then maybe your guy will stop talking about his ex. Eat a Steak, Cara Carabowditbowdit. XOXOXO
[cut to Homestar and Marzipan reading the column together]
Marzipan: This lady doesn't know what she's talking about. And I don't like her pseudoname.
Homestar Runner: Aw, you're just jealous 'cause she gets all the hot boys.
[a piece of paper hits Homestar from offscreen]
Homestar Runner: Marzipan, mail's here.
Marzipan: What's it say?
Homestar Runner: [reading the note] No I don't. Strong Bad. I mean, Cara Carabowditbowdit.
Marzipan: See, I told you.

[Strong Bad continues to narrate peoples' lives like movie trailers. He heads over to Marzipan's house and watches Marzipan and Homestar chatting. Homestar has on a red chef's hat with googly eyes on it]
Strong Bad: They were a couple in love.
Marzipan: Homestar, you look like a dork with that on.
Strong Bad: Until a dorky chef's hat threatened to tear them apart.
Homestar Runner: [upset] Oh, yeah? Well, maybe *you* look like some type of enormous... alien... cow!
[Marzipan lets out a sharp, enraged gasp; music starts playing]
Strong Bad: This summer...
[he is now seen in a field, watching Homsar levitate himself]
Strong Bad: ... this holiday season...
[he is now standing next to the Poopsmith and his pile of whatsit]
Strong Bad: ... this Arbor Day, some smelly French studio invites *you* to sit through a four-hour film with no dialogue and no plot: "Whatsit All About".

[even though Strong Bad hates to hug trees, Homestar has somehow gotten him to hug one]
Homestar Runner: Keep on huggin' it.
Strong Bad: How did you get me to do this in the first place?
Homestar Runner: Hug it! Hug it!
Strong Bad: And why do I continue to do it?
Homestar Runner: Keep on huggin' it. Hug it down.
Strong Bad: I don't even like this tree that much.

Strong Bad: [talking about his secret identity] I got lots of secret identities. Lately, I've been using this one: Tip Tappers: Expensive Briefcase Carrier. I use Mr. Tappers when I'm on tour and I want to check into a hotel and not be bothered by legions of fans.
[Strong Bad is now seen checking into a hotel, which is really Bubs' Concession Stand. Strong Bad is holding a briefcase]
Bubs: [to Strong Bad] And what name will this room be under?
Strong Bad: Uh, Tip Tappers, please. Unless some girl asks what room Strong Bad's in. And she's at least a seven out of ten. Or uh... six if she's naked.
Bubs: That'll be 900 dollars, Mr...
[clears throat]
Bubs: ... Tappers.
[Homestar comes out from behind the stand, wearing night clothes and holding an ice bucket]
Homestar Runner: Is there an ice machine around here?
Bubs: Certainly, Mr. Dee Williams.

[Strong Bad is asked via email by someone named Ter about how dumb some crayon color names are]
Strong Bad: Welter, the crayons of my youth had pretty awesome names. Especially the ones that came with my Limozeen 1989 "Ladies, We're Staying in Room 302 at the Ramada" Tour coloring book! There was Leather Black, Ripped Denim Blue, Groupie Lipstick Red, Skin Flesh, Hairspray Blond and Tight Shiny Purple. It even came with a cassette tape with a song about how to color!
[the tape Strong Bad mentions is displayed and Strong Bad plays it; heavy metal music plays on it]
Larry Palaroncini: [singing] Grab a box of 64, with a sharpener a-built right in. Dump 'em all out onto the floor and let the party begin!
Limozeen: [singing] Colorin'!
Larry Palaroncini: [singing] Outside the lines!
Limozeen: [singing] Colorin'!
Larry Palaroncini: [singing] Inside your heart!
Limozeen: [singing] Colorin'!
Larry Palaroncini: [singing] Those crayons of mine!
Limozeen: [singing] Colorin'!
Larry Palaroncini: [singing] Hey, hey, let's go back to the start!

Homestar Runner: [to Marzipan, about Strong Bad's secret identities] Maybe I should get me one of them pseudonames.
Strong Sad: [coming in, speaking in a hyperactive voice] It's "-nym"! It's "-nym"! It's "pseudonym"! Not "pseudoname"! I can't take it anymore! "Nym", "nym", "nym"! It's a Greek word for "name"! Pseudonym! Pseudonym!

[Strong Bad opens the 150th Email while Strong Sad accompanies on guitar]
Strong Bad: [singing] I've been walking on clouds and flippin' off rainbows on the wings of an email...
Strong Bad: [to Strong Sad] Thanks, man.
Strong Sad: No prob, Bob.

[Patrick Cowiche from Washington asks Strong Bad about his high school years]
Strong Bad: Now, I have an extremely unphotographic memory. So, I guess that'd be more like a drawing, or a doodle. Like a doodle memory. But I would hazard a guess that we were probably just like other cartoons were in high school, i.e. we were a team of super sleuths.
[a title card for a TV show called "The Homestar Runner Mysfit-steries", featuring teenage versions of Homestar, Strong Bad, Strong Mad and Marzipan, is displayed]
Marzipan: Stampers! My long-lost uncles' abandoned pie factory sure is mysterious.
Strong Bad: Aw, there's no such thing as "mysterious."
Homestar Runner: I don't want to take any chances. We should play in a band, just to be safe.
[Homestar, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and Marzipan suddenly start performing]
Homestar Runner: Havin' fun with my friends. Words about a mystery. Shakin' hands with my man...

[Strong Bad receives an email from someone named Daniel, from Canada, suggesting that he should have his own set of trading cards, complete with a stick of bubble gum]
Strong Bad: Daniel, trading cards are the biggest waste of not a video game on the planet! In fact, I thought trading cards were outlawed the day they invented good graphics. As for that "gum" that comes with them, I'm pretty sure they replaced that with a pink piece of balsa wood back in the early 80's and nobody ever noticed. So, no, I shouldn't have trading cards. But most of the other idiots 'round here have engaged in some form of trading cardery. Let's rag on them, shall we?
[a set of sports-themed trading cards with Coach Z is displayed]
Strong Bad: First up is Coach Z's line of vaguely sports-ish managerial cards. What self-respecting twelve-year-old doesn't want to collect pictures of the smelly old men behind their favorite sports teams? And who could resist memorizing all these fabulous stats?
[Strong Bad looks at one card in particular that says that Coach Z has patted a record number of 23 butts in 1984]
Strong Bad: Ooh, a record high 23 butt pats in '84!
[Homestar appears behind Strong Bad]
Homestar Runner: And who do you think was the lucky recipient of all those butt pats 'cept a one?
Strong Bad: Let me guess, it...
Homestar Runner: [interrupting] No, it was me. It was like I was made to hustle that season.
Strong Bad: So, who got that last butt pat?
Homestar Runner: Oh, I think he gave himself that one. He's renowned for his self-butt pats.
Strong Bad: Yeah, known in seven states.

Strong Bad: [email intro; singing in falsetto] Why do I check emails the way I do? I don't know!

Strong Bad: How many emails can you check? Five. Twelve. Seven. Shut up.

Strong Bad: [having failed to do some push-ups] Maybe I need to start working out.
Homestar Runner: [dressed as an aerobics instructor] Boy, I'll say you do.
[he does aerobics]
Homestar Runner: One, two, and flex your pecs! Give it eight more! And five! Twees it out! C'mon, y'all! Just twees it out!
Strong Bad: Twees it out?
Homestar Runner: [showing off his rear] Your buttweesimo! We're gonna mold that twees into the Iron Sheik!
[He glances toward Strong Bad's "twees" and resumes his aerobics]
Homestar Runner: Just six more now! Eight and four! Shake it freely, twees it out!
Strong Bad: Yeah, cool. I'm gonna go ahead and ask that you never say "twees it out" ever again.

[Homestar and Strong Bad are discussing the recent theft of Strong Bad's computer]
Homestar Runner: Yeah, yeah, you know who I think done it? Homestar Runner. Think about it, think about it. He's got the history, he's got the motive...
Strong Bad: Homestar, are you admitting that *you* stole my computer?
Homestar Runner: What? No! I was just making watercooler conversation, trying to sound up with the times, uh, um, sports team?

Strong Bad: [parodying his earliest self] When it comes to the ladies, I've got no... *competition*!
[softly]
Strong Bad: Holy crap.

[When prompted by email to do so, Strong Bad redesigns the No Loafing sign by making it into a scrolling LED display]
Strong Bad: Fresh from elementary school cafetoriums and lotto machines comes one of those actually pretty hard-to-read message board signs, capable of advanced animations, scroll-a botonies, and twelve levels of blinkiness. Now we can celebrate the lack of loafing with some fireworks! And a man doing cartwheels!
[the display shows the fireworks and the cartwheeling man, in that order]
Strong Bad: No mortal would dare loaf under the four-colored dotted digital stare of this bad boy. You know, unless they looked up too late, and the "No" had already scrolled off, so they thought it said, "*Do* Loafing". Or maybe, like, Franklin Delano Loafing, our nation's laziest president.

[Strong Bad is out gathering some updated world records for a book called "Count Longardeaux's Book of Party Tricks, Redneck Jokes, and Worldly Records". He then runs into Strong Sad holding a magnifying glass as he writes on a grain of rice]
Strong Bad: 'Sup, double-bottom? How much you weigh?
Strong Sad: What do you wanna know that for?
[Strong Bad holds up a piece of paper reading "Who the fattest?"]
Strong Bad: Count Longardeaux has me out gathering new records for his record book.
Strong Sad: Oh, well, then, this should interest you.
[Strong Sad displays the grain of rice through his magnifying glass]
Strong Sad: I've transcribed "Paradise Lost" onto this single grain of basmati rice. In four languages.
Strong Bad: Oh, yeah, that *definitely* deserves a record.
[a page from Count Longardeaux's book is shown, displaying Strong Sad on it, and the text, "Biggest Waste of Dump: Strong "The Biggest Waste of Dump" Sad]

Strong Bad: [as Space Captainface; singing] Space Captainface, pretender of the galaxies! He's all-the-ways having space cocktails with hot '60s-looking girls! Where are all the '60s-looking girls?
The King of Town: [walking up] I'm in my 60s!

Strong Bad: [finding himself in an apartment room inside a comic book] Whoa! Where am I?
Strong Badman: [appearing beside him] STINY! We have a visitor from an alternate universe!
Strong Bad: It's Strong Badman! And his well-drawn abs! But... why are we in a crappy apartment instead of a secret underground lair filled with secret underground gadgets?
Strong Badman: Because, mere mortal, this apartment... IS RENT-CONTROLLED! And... water's included.
Strong Bad: [noticing some sink faucets running] Is that why all your faucets are running?
Strong Badman: [laughing] MU-HU-HA-HA-HAH! Those dimwits down at the public works won't know what hit them!
Strong Bad: So that's your evil plan? To waste water?
Strong Badman: And not pay for it!
Strong Bad: I gotta tell ya, Strong Badman... this part of your comic is pretty boring.

[the theme for "The King of Town's Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show!"]
Singers: The King of Town's Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show! The King of Town's Very Own Quite Popular Cartoon Show!
The King of Town: Let the king have some!
Announcer: The King of Town's Very Own Popular Cartoon Show will not be seen this week. Instead, we bring you Strong Bad's Very Popular Cartoon Show, already in progress.
[cut to Strong Bad at the Lappy]
Strong Bad: [reading an email] "... rong Bad..."

Strong Bad: Can you see that I've got email styles? C'mon, c'mon, can you see that I've got email styles?

[Strong Bad runs an answering machine in hopes of receiving a call on information about his stolen laptop computer]
Strong Bad: [on answering machine] Thank you for calling attractive Strong Bad. If you have any information regarding my missing and full-on favorite fold-em-up computer, please leave your name and number. And if you have any hot licks, please shred them after the tone.
[machine beeps]
Deep-voiced caller: [on answering machine] Hello, Strong Bad. I'm waiting for you...
[he coughs, then speaks in a different voice, that of Strong Sad]
Strong Sad: ...Oh, excuse me. I had one of those spit bubbles stuck in my throat. Anyways, I'm waiting for you here at the bus station. I just got back from my trip to the Regrettable History Museum. And you were supposed to pick me up... three days ago! I guess I'll just be waitin' for you here at the staysh. Listen to me: I've been here so long I'm on a nickname basis with the bus station.

Strong Bad: In, um, middle school, we were a bunch of melon-headed babies with gigantic eyes and enormous imaginations.
[cut to flashback]
Coach Z: I'm pretending I'm the craptain of the foortball torm!
Strong Bad: I'm pretending I'm playing better video games! Aw, man! That freakin' duck swallowed both my pixels!
Strong Sad: I'm pretending I'm not sitting next to The Diapersmith.

Homestar Runner: Oh, don't look now, Marzipan, but I think we're the hottest couple at the prom.
Marzipan: Homestar, as always, we're the only couple.
Homestar Runner: But what about Strong Sad and Deborah?
Marzipan: That is unmistakably Coach Z.
Homestar Runner: Who?
[cut to Strong Sad watching Coach Z lace the punch with mouthwash]
Strong Sad: Coach Z, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You're supposed to be our chaperon!
Coach Z: Are you kiddin'? I'm just lookin' out for all yer hygienes. Have ya ever talked to one of these kids up close? Their breaths is terrible!

[Strong Bad has just watched a death metal music video by Taranchula, involving a piece of meat covered in rusty metal]
Strong Bad: Creeping rusty meat... Truly the heart and soul of all death metal. Except... now I feel like I really need to brush my teeth, lookin' at all that rust... and beef.

Strong Bad: [after talking about the Homestar characters in middle school] And going even unnecessarily further back, we were all a bunch of plucky parameciums living in Free Petry Dish USA.
[a paramecium version of Homestar walks up to a paramecium version of Bubs]
Homestar Runner: Hey there, Bubsamecium, I need to buy some embarrassing items for my embarrassing body parts.
Bubs: Certainly. Six tubes of rear end cream coming right up.
[a viral bacteriophage version of Strong Bad approaches]
Strong Bad: [laughing] Oh ho ho! Whatcha buying there, Homestarmecium?
Homestar Runner: Uh-oh, it's Strongbadiophage. Um, uh, these are for my twin brother.
[he divides himself into two]
Homestar Runner: These are for my twin brother.
[they divide into four]
Homestar Runner: These are for my twin brother.
[Strong Bad screams and runs off]

Strong Bad: [reading "Patrick Cowiche WA"] Patrick, cowichewa. Well, cowichewa to you, too, Patrique.

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strong Bad; I'm a middle school technology teacher. I would really appreciate it if you could come up with an introduction I could use for my new classes. Thanks. Jay. Oswego NY.
Strong Bad: [reading "Oswego NY"] Oss we go to New York!
[typing response]
Strong Bad: You would *really appreciate* it? That's it? Man, back in the olden days, I could get upwards of 3 chickens, a sack of barley and a half-dead goat all for doing one of my technology intromercials. Well, I sure hope JCPenney's accepts really appreciate it's, 'cause I know for a fact they stopped taking I'll be your best friend's a while ago.

Strong Bad: [after reading "Dylan Bragers, AKA Coolio da Fabio, Texas"] Guess what? Nobody calls you Coolio da Fabio, AKA quit making up nicknames for yourself. I'm just gonna call you Dealin' Burgers, which I assume doubles as an accurate job description.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email if he wanted someone to paint a portrait of his greatness]
Strong Bad: I suppose my greatness is worthy of portraiture. Perhaps one done by a Deutsch Master.
[a fancy portrait of Strong Bad is displayed in a museum]
Strong Bad: The kind that are always getting stolen or vandalized by art bandits.
[the Cheat appears, dressed as a bandit and covers the portrait in spray paint]
Strong Bad: Thanks, little buddy! Now it's worth something.
The Cheat: [obliging The Cheat noises]
[cut back to Strong Bad at the computer]
Strong Bad: Or what about one of those black and white ink portraits you see in all the rich-guy newspapers.
[a newspaper with this type of portrait is shown]
Strong Bad: Well, apparently they're not rich enough to afford any color. Or even solid lines! Just a bunch of dots and dashes. I look like Morse code.
[he mimics Morse code as he says:]
Strong Bad: Dah dah dah dee dee dee... I am holding a really old cell phone.

[Strong Bad received an email from Dane of Corvallis, OR, on what words to scream at the top of one's lungs in death metal]
Strong Bad: First, you'd better be ugly, Dane. Or fat. The gift of death metal does not smile on the good looking. If there's any doubt, go ahead and hot-glue some corn flakes to your face. That'll do the trick. Now, I'm no geographist, but I don't think Oregon is anywhere near Scandinavia, which seems to be the only place left where death metal will get you any chicks. As for lyrics, you've got it all wrong! Screaming words at the top of your lungs is for people with blond hair. Ya know, words like 'tonite,' 'wooh-mon,' and the name of any street in L.A. Check it out!
[he activates an online messaging program with a web-cam in it. Larry Palaroncini of Limozeen appears in it]
Larry Palaroncini: [singing] Tonite! Wooh-mon! We'll be drivin' down Sepulveda with the t-top down?
Strong Bad: [sarcastically] Thanks, Larry.
Larry Palaroncini: No prob, Strong Bad. HEY! I'm gonna be online later on playing an MMORPG if you wanna join my guild!
Strong Bad: Yeah, maybe.
[against Larry's protests, Strong Bad shuts off the program]
Strong Bad: So for death metal, you want to scream from the bowels of your lungs. The bowels! Words like, "decay," "deranged," "decrepit," and, um, "delouse." In fact, you really can't go wrong with anything that starts with d-e.

Strong Bad: [after reading "Jody, not a girl, TX"] Ya know, you could probably ditch that "not a girl" thing, if you just replaced it with something tough and cool and kool and tuff. Like "Bulldozer". Jody "Bulldozer". Nobody's gonna think that guy's a girl.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email by a middle-school technology teacher to help introduce the class]
Strong Bad: Middle school kids are all idiots and they need as much of my help and guidance as they can get.
[he goes to a classroom, wearing a lab coat and makes robot noises]
Strong Bad: One, zero zero, one one, zero, one, one zero, one one zero, zero one.
[he then speaks normally]
Strong Bad: You may not have understood me, but I was speaking technology. The word "technology" means "magic". It's basically anything that's really cool that you don't know how it works. And if it breaks, you have to buy a new one. Why, I've got some technology beneath my pants right now! Whoo-ya!
[Strong Bad holds up a 5.25-inch floppy disk]
Strong Bad: This is a diskette. Diskettes were invented by computers to help us. Like how cows invented milk. The two warring factions of diskettes are floppy disks...
[he holds up a 3.5-inch floppy disk]
Strong Bad: ... and hard disks. I prefer these big ones because they hold more memory, although you have to fold them up to fit them into these new computers.

Strong Bad: [continuing his discussion on how a portrait of him should be done] Hey, I got it! A painting of such greatness demands only the finest materials. And what could be finer than black velvet in a cheap imitation wood frame?
[a velvet painting of Strong Bad holding a skunk is shown beside a poster of a unicorn riding a snowmobile]
Strong Bad: It would be showcased in only the fanciest double-wide trailers. Oh, and look! I finally caught that skunk. I been chasing after that little scamp for... Whoa, is that a blacklight poster of a unicorn riding a snowmobile? Now that is some esteemed company.
[Strong Bad throws a Cold One bottle at a moose lamp nearby]
Homestar Runner: [offscreen; groggy voice] Thanks for breaking my moose lamp.

[Strong Bad has been asked via email from Tom B of CA on how hot it is in Strong Badia and how he keeps cool when it gets hot]
Strong Bad: I'm not exactly sure how hot it is round here, Tomby. But we do have an old-timey, made-uppy, no-worky way of finding out.
[Strong Bad and Strong Mad sneak up on a sleeping Strong Sad]
Strong Bad: We carefully place a spoonful of hoisin sauce on Strong Sad's disturbing soft-serve flip.
[they place a spoonful of hoisin sauce on Strong Sad's head]
Strong Bad: And then we just... ask him.
[to Strong Sad]
Strong Bad: Hey! Trundle bed!
[Strong Sad awakens]
Strong Bad: How hot it is right now?
Strong Sad: Current temperature: 97, 98 degrees... Humidity: 25 percent... Barometric pressure's 30.05 inches mercury...
[Strong Bad and Strong Mad sneak away]
Strong Sad: I'm gonna eat this spoonful of hoisin sauce...
Strong Bad: [to Strong Mad] Did you hear that? The high 90s! You know what that means!
Strong Bad, Strong Mad: [in unison] COOL TIME, POOL TIME!
Strong Bad: In the pool that we've always had that we use all the time, and the school has always had an elevator!

[Strong Bad is a lifeguard at a pool, where the other Homestar characters go]
Strong Bad: All right, ya little sacks of crap...
[he gestures toward a flotation device]
Strong Bad: ... just so I never have to use this weird foamy thing, lemme explain the pool rules. Welcome to our 'ool. Notice there is no "Take a crap in it" in it. Please keep it that way.
[he sees the Poopsmith testing the water]
Strong Bad: Poopsmith, don't even try it.
[the Poopsmith hangs his head]
Strong Bad: Also, no rough-horsing, no house-rousing, no butt-patting.
Coach Z: Aw, nuts.
Strong Bad: And no running, no diving, no swimming. But that last one is not very widely enforced. But most importantly, after you eat, wait three full days, get a complete physical, have an ear candling, and press "up", "A" and "start" before re-entering the pool.

Strong Bad: [checking one last email on the Compy 386, despite the big shotgun hole through it] There's a big ol' hole inside my email, makin' it hard to check.
[the email is formatted around the hole]
Strong Bad: Ooh, automatic hole formatting!
[he reads the email]
Strong Bad: "Dear Strong Bad, I want to see you perform some amazing feats of wonder."
[he stops reading]
Strong Bad: You mean more amazing than checking an email on this computer?
[he resumes reading]
Strong Bad: "Very seriously, Luke South."
[he proceeds to type his response]
Strong Bad: Well, I am very serious too. Serious about the most incredible, tantalizing, pants-defying, mind-googling sights in the whole world! Lalalalalalaaaa! Ladies and Luke, I give you Strong Bad's Amazing Feats of Wonder!
[Strong Bad reveals a carnival tent as he dresses as a sideshow caller]
Strong Bad: Gawk and squawk as I walk and talk like an old-timey sideshow caller, and add "Lalalalalaa" to the end of everything I say, lalalalalalaaa!
[Strong Bad goes inside the tent, showing off Marzipan with her hair tied up]
Strong Bad: First up, in our gallery of ocular oddities, is a contortionist with a twist! Feast your Dust Bowl-ravaged eyes on Marzipan, the Human Woman Rotini!
[Marzipan twists her neck into a spring shape, to the audience's amazement]
Strong Bad: Behold! An ocean of pesto!
[some green liquid hits Marzipan in the face]
Marzipan: That's not part of my act.
The King of Town: I know. It's a part of *mine*, lalalalalalaaa!

[Strong Bad continues his discussion on doing a portrait of himself]
Strong Bad: I don't know anybody with a useless Master of Fine Arts degree, so I might have to settle for something a bit more, how you say, made by Strong Mad or The Cheat.
[he goes to see The Cheat, who is noisily gnawing on a log to make a bust of Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: Very... uh, slobbery, The Cheat. This isn't quite what I had in mind when you said "sculpture". You're really just... goin' to town there, aren't ya? I'm gonna leave you two alone.
[Strong Bad goes over to Strong Mad, who is making a portrait of Strong Bad out of macaroni and glitter]
Strong Bad: Oh, nice work, Chef Boyardee! Like I couldn't have gone down to the kindergarten and hired a five-year-old to make me one of those... Except that sounds pretty creepy and I'd probably go to jail.
Strong Mad: I'LL WAIT FOR YOU!

[Strong Bad continues to gather updated world records for "Count Longardeaux's Book of Party Tricks, Redneck Jokes, and Worldly Records"]
Strong Bad: [to Coach Z] So, Coach Z, what kind of wonderment do you have in store for us? That's not shower-related?
Coach Z: Well...
[he puts several pieces of chewed gum on his face]
Coach Z: I'm gonna set the world record for puttin' nine pieces of chewed gum up on my face and singin' the "I'm Just Me" song and hoppin' around on one foot!
[he starts hopping on one foot]
Strong Bad: Coach?
Coach Z: [singing] I'm just me! Can't you see? I'm just a silly little bumblebee!
Strong Bad: Oh, please, stop! Look, you can't just make up some random crap that no one else will ever do and call that a record.
[behind them, Homsar is also hopping on one foot, also covered in chewed gum]
Strong Bad: Count Longardeaux would not stand for...
Homsar: [not singing] I'm just me! Can't you see? I'm just a silly little bumblebee!

[Strong Bad continues to gather updated world records for "Count Longardeaux's Book of Party Tricks, Redneck Jokes, and Worldly Records"]
Strong Bad: [to the King of Town] All right, King o' Town, I need some disgusting eating records. Why don't you just, uh, have lunch, and I'm sure you'll set several without even trying.
The King of Town: Ooh, I like eating lunch.
[he gestures toward a big pile of salt, including the shaker, on a table]
The King of Town: Today, I'm having a giant pile of salt.
[the King then imitates a vacuum cleaner as he inhales the whole pile, shaker and all, into his mouth in one gulp]
Strong Bad: Whoa, nice work!
[the King suddenly starts hiccuping]
Strong Bad: Whoa, you got some hiccups?
The King of Town: Nope, those, my friend, are heart attacks.
[a page from Count Longardeaux's book is shown, displaying the King on it, and the text, "Least Healthiest Man?: The King of Town"]

[Strong Bad has been asked via email from Matt M., WA, on if he has been to a senior prom]
Strong Bad: I have personally never had a senior prom, Matt. I have, however, crashed my fair share of Senior Proms, Senor Proms, Homecoming Dances, Shortcoming Prances, and Off-Site Team-Building Pottery Classes. But the best Senior Prom I ever crashed was the Entrapment All Up On the Moon Dance. It all started one day, when I received some very disappointing news...
[cut to a poorly-made answering machine, made out of a clock radio with a cassette tape on top of it]
Strong Bad: [to Strong Mad and The Cheat, pretending to be upset] Oh, man, you guys. I'm totally bummed. Listen to this message I just got.
[he looks away from them and speaks in a high-pitched voice]
Strong Bad: Hey... Bunmuffin... It's Deli... lelia. They need me to go back up to Mars to help out that robot that got stuck in the sand. So I won't be able to go to the dance with you.
[Strong Mad and The Cheat are not amused and look irritated]
Strong Bad: I left you some cold meatloaf under the fridge.
[Strong Bad's voice returns to normal, still feigning disappointment]
Strong Bad: That little robot's stuck in the sand *again*! I guess I don't have a date for the dance. Oh, well. Looks like you two losers...
[Strong Mad looks offended]
Strong Bad: ...and me one cool guy will just have to crash the ever-loving style out of it!

Homestar Runner: [Strong Bad has been discussing his "bottom 10"] Hey, Strong Bad, what about my bottom...
Strong Bad: No one wants to see *your* bottom ten, Homestar.
Homestar Runner: No, no, not my bottom ten. My bottom. You know...
[turns around and shows his rear end to Strong Bad, while dancing slightly; singing]
Homestar Runner: Butt dance again, like the rhythm's down your pants now...
[Strong Bad gags and throws up on his computer keyboard at this sight]

Strong Bad: [preparing to check an email] Back out of my way, so I can check some email.
[he presses enter and the email appears, but the subject line fills up the screen and consists entirely of "Fwd:" and "Re:"]
Strong Bad: Oh, great. Let me guess...
[mocking voice]
Strong Bad: "It's true! You saw it on the news." Or, "Hey, sounds crazy, but thought it was worth a shot."

Strong Bad: [reading "Matt M. WA"] "Matt M., Walrus Association". Oh, man! Would you Walrus Association people please leave me alone? I will pay my dues when you send me my tusks!

Strong Bad: [reading "Daniel, N.S. CANADA"] "Another freakin' guy named Daniel, not safe in Canada".
[whispering]
Strong Bad: Oh, thanks for the tip, Daniel. I'll lay low here in the states for a while until things cool off.

Strong Bad: [reading "Nathan, TX"] "Nathan, T-X". Oooh, the Nathan TX! That has, like, way four more cylinders than the standard Nathan. Better Blue Book value, too.

[Strong Bad and The Cheat stand next to something covered in a yellowed blanket, ready to go on a road trip]
Strong Bad: All right, you ready to go, The Cheat? Why is Strong Mad hiding under that not-originally-yellow-spotted sheet from Strong Sad's bedroom, not my bedroom?
[the Cheat pulls the blanket off the object it covered: several stacks of aluminum cans]
The Cheat: [excited The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Whoa! Eighty-something cases of Bull Honkey! That's my favorite caffeinergy sauce! Oh, this road trip is definitely going to be jumbo/LARGE.
The Cheat: [perplexed The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Just laugh at it. It's an inside joke. It's going to be hilarious.

Strong Bad: [talking about what he would do if his head and body were separated] My head could be off giving folks career advice, whilst my body is rioting against the municipality!
[his head is seen talking to Homestar and his body is seen throwing rocks at the Poopsmith, dressed in riot gear]
Strong Bad: [to Homestar] Maybe this running business just isn't for you. Have you ever considered the making and selling of tiny breads?
Homestar Runner: Homestar Bunmaker, eh? Me likey, me likey! Thanks, Eggman.
[turns away, then turns back]
Homestar Runner: Oh, and...
[tosses some coins down]
Homestar Runner: ... why don't you get yourself something to eat? Put some meat on them bones, girl.
[Homestar leaves and Strong Bad's head turns to his body]
Strong Bad: That's some nice revolutin' there, body, but maybe we should spread out more. Like, more.

Strong Bad: [reading "marc baroni AZ"] "Macaroni from A to Z". Ooh, alphabet macaroni!

Strong Bad: [asked via email about what happened to the get up noise] The get up noise? Oh, wait, you mean the Geddup Noise! This guy!
[gets up and sits down three times, making the Geddup Noise each time]
Strong Bad: Ahhh, what fun! But that's not even the real Geddup Noise. That's just his cousin, Chairscoot. No, the real Geddup noise split quite some time ago. Somewheres right around email 84, Ol' Geddy got all big overseas. And then the phone calls started coming in.
[flashback to an earlier email, with Strong Bad talking on a phone]
Strong Bad: Hello? What? Yes, no, yes.
[tosses phone to his computer seat]
Strong Bad: It's for you.
[the Geddup Noise is heard; cut back to current computer]
Strong Bad: And before I knew it, every-freakin-body's talkin' about the Geddup Noise.

Strong Bad: [reading "Cephas, Cornwall, CA"] "Cephas Cornwall of the Corn Army".

[Strong Bad and The Cheat climb into a car to go on a road trip]
Strong Bad: Road trip city, here we come!
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Keys? I don't have any keys. Look, the only thing I know about this car is what Bubs told me. And that's that the windows and doors are broken and you can't open them from the inside.
[the Cheat glares at Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: Oh. Right. That was pretty poor planning on my part.
[calling out]
Strong Bad: Bubs? Green Bubs? Anybody?

[Strong Bad walks in on Marzipan's Montesodium class, holding a broken Skin Flesh crayon]
Strong Bad: Hey, goody Marzipan. Can I borrow some crayons? I broke my Skin Flesh.
Marzipan: Shh! Strong Bad, not in front of the class!
Homestar Runner: [a student in the class] Teacher! I have to go bathroom!
Strong Bad: Why can't I say "Skin Flesh" in front of the... uh, children?
Marzipan: First of all, we don't call them children. They're life blossoms!
Strong Bad: Life blossoms? Marzipan, what kind of cult are you running here?
Marzipan: Oh, a pretty standard one. Anyway, we don't use the term "Skin Flesh". The color you're looking for is "Dermal Discoveries".
Strong Bad: What's that scramble? What about Lipstick Red?
Marzipan: No, no, no. Too gender-specific. We use "Crimson Suggestion".
Strong Bad: Well, how 'bout Hairspray Blond?
Marzipan: "Vague Pigmentation".
Strong Bad: Leather Black?
Marzipan: We just call that "blue".

Strong Bad: [asked via email if Strong Bad has any mysterious myths or legendary legends] Mysterious Myths or Legendary Legends? Isn't that a show on one of those channels up in the high hundreds? Ya know, like between the CG Dinosaur Channel and the Homes with Rollercoasters in Them Network? Well, if not, it should be!

Strong Bad: [continuing his lecture on technology] Another thing you'll need is your very own email address. Just take your favorite hobby, add "kid", "grrl", "pie" or "izzle", and put a bunch of numbers at the end!
[an email address of this kind is displayed: "swimteampie33331@kindergartencop.edu"]

Strong Bad: [asked via email from someone named Buck Webb on how to impress a lady fan who doesn't like Strong Bad] Buck Webb? You sound like one of those boring soap-opera comic strips from the, quote-unquote, "funny" pages.
[a soap opera comic is shown, depicting, apparently, Buck Webb and his lady fan]
Buck Webb: I'm afraid it's Splitsville for us, Lady Fan... if you don't take a shine to Strong Bad!
Lady Fan: Oh, Buck...
[in another panel, she is suddenly holding up a pistol to Buck]
Lady Fan: I'll give Strong Bad a chance. In fact...
[next panel displays a turtle]
Lady Fan: I think I'm falling for him. Like, big time.
Buck Webb: C'mon, baby. Stay with me.
[another panel shows him holding a yoga DVD]
Buck Webb: I'll buy you a new yoga DVD!
Lady Fan: [crying] I'll... think about it!
Strong Bad: We both know who she's gonna choose, Buck. Is that what you want?

Strong Bad: [asked via email from someone named Fabrosi for tips on "lady-ing"; parodying his earliest self] First, Fabrosi, you've got to look as much as possible like the Strong Bad. Take off your shirt, sand off your nipples...
[rubs sandpaper on his nipples]
Strong Bad: ...and wear tight pants that accentuate all your suppleties. But sometimes that's not enough, and you have to douse yourself in the finest Mongolian aftershave lotion.
[douses himself in gasoline and walks up to Homestar and Marzipan, gas fumes emanating from him]
Strong Bad: Oh, Marzipan. Do you want a-my bod?
Homestar Runner: Uh, Strong Bad, why do you smell like a garage?
Marzipan: Me, too!
Strong Bad: Why, you... A-take a-this!
[somersaults through the air and lands hard on Homestar's head, knocking him to the wrestling mat]
Homestar Runner: Oh!

[Senor Cardgage is fishing in a boat when Strong Bad magically appears in it]
Strong Bad: Wow, a fishing trip with Senor Cardgage! My life is complete.
Senor Cardgage: Alonzo Mourning to you, Myrtlebeth.
[holds up fishing tackle box]
Senor Cardgage: Say hello to my tackle box.
Strong Bad: Hello there, tackle box.
[smiles]
Strong Bad: I'm such a big fan.
Senor Cardgage: [holds up a piece of paper] Well, if you could just sign right here on the dotty line, the adaption will be complete.
Strong Bad: *You're* gonna adopt me?
[suddenly disappears]
Strong Bad: Aw, man!

[having been disconnected from each other, Strong Bad's head and body have gone off to other locales; his head is lying on a deserted island, drinking a tropical drink and wearing sunglasses]
Strong Bad: Ah, living the sleazy life. Hey, cabana boy! My drink needs more umbrellas! What kind of deserted island is this, anyway?
[the camera cuts to a dance club, where Strong Bad's body is seen dancing; Bubs dances nearby]
Strong Bad: [voiceover] Meanwhile, my body could be off putting its considerably reduced weight on it down at the cloughb!
Bubs: Dang, Strong Body! Without all that extra head ballast, your moves are twicely fresh! Twicely fresh!

Strong Bad: Strong Badia: an idyllic fruit-opia rich in made-up stories and not-true-ities, the not-true-est of which...
[prods the tire in Strong Badia, causing a bear holding a shark to pop up; The Cheat runs past in terror]
The Cheat: [screaming The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: ...is the mighty bear holding a shark. More than a mere security countermeasure, its origins lie in the skies of old.
[cut to the night sky, where various constellations are formed, including one of a fish wearing an afro and a marathon runner wearing a Union Jack-themed singlet]
Strong Bad: The stars tell us that two of the seven elemental spirits of Strong Badia, the fish wearing a 'fro wig and the British distance runner, combined forces to defeat the others. In paintball... or maybe Red Rover. Then, through years of bad storytelling and the telephone game, the mythic beast transformed into the bear holding a shark we know today.
[shows off some fence drawings of the bear holding a shark terrorizing the countryside]
Strong Bad: These ancient fence drawings show evidence of destroyed crops, stolen babies, and family bike-rides. Or family pie-sitting contests. Bear-holding-a-shark fever gripped the nation.
[Bubs is seen selling some bear-holding-a-shark-themed merchandise from his concession stand]
Bubs: [holding up an ice cream bar] We got bear-holding-a-shark frozen delights...
[shows off a pile of glasses next to him]
Bubs: ...and these shot glasses are always popular with the kids. Oh, and my favorite...
[reaches down and produces a necklace]
Bubs: ...these bear-tooth-holding-a-shark-tooth necklaces!

Strong Bad: [continuing to act like a sideshow caller] Now, direct your attention to the Pee Wee Stage, where the flea circus has left town, and the inmates are restless!
[shows off The Cheat]
Strong Bad: Gather strong at The Cheat's flea prison riot!
[a magnifying glass appears and looks at a tiny prison in The Cheat's fur, where small black dots are rioting and squabbling, the prison has some flames coming out of the windows, and a siren is heard; cut to Strong Sad wearing a blue dress and beard]
Strong Bad: [speaking perfunctorily] And don't forget Strong Sad's feet of wonder.
Strong Sad: [showing off his elephant-type feet] I call them "soolnds".

Strong Bad: [continuing his lecture on "lady-ing"; parodying his earliest self] The ladies also can't resist awesome wrestling moves off the top rope!
[jumps down off of wrestling ring ropes to tackle Homestar with a crash]
Homestar Runner: Ow!
Marzipan: [watching the ordeal] Ooh, that's resistible.
Strong Bad: And if that doesn't work, bring out your cute baby brother...
[Strong Sad is seen in the ring, but falls into the floor through a trapdoor]
Strong Bad: ... or holy-crap-adorable pet.
[the Cheat appears]
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises as he bats his eyes]
Marzipan: [frowning] Now it smells like a garage with a litter box in it.
Strong Bad: The Cheat, I told you to wear finest Mongolian aftershave lotion!
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises as he continues to bat his eyes; Strong Bad kicks him out of the ring]

[Strong Bad and The Cheat are about to go on a road trip in the Gremlin, but they don't have car keys, so they can't go anywhere, and they are locked inside]
Strong Bad: I'm not gonna let a little setback like this ruin our road trip. What we need is some grub. Pull over at this next exit up here.
[the Cheat turns the steering wheel]
Strong Bad: I know a little roadside diner called "Beneath the Passenger's Seat".
[looks under the car seat and pulls out a few French fries with bits of hair on them]
Strong Bad: All right, we got an order of petri-fries...
[pulls out an old cup with a big stain on the bottom and the word "melt shake" written on it]
Strong Bad: ... a large melt shake that's almost eaten through the cup... Ooh, and for dessert...
[pulls out a small piece of butterscotch candy that is covered in hair]
Strong Bad: ... a half-sucked booterscotch in desperate need of a shave.
[gets back up]
Strong Bad: All right, cool, that was disgusting. Now alls we need to wash the taste out of our brains is some jammin' tunes!
The Cheat: [exclamatory The Cheat noises while bringing out a CD labeled "road trip mix"]
Strong Bad: A mix CD! That, my friend, is jumbo/LARGE! Now, let's put it in and crank it up!
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises when noticing that the car has an 8-track player, but no CD player]
Strong Bad: Nah, just force it in there. I'm sure that thing's forward compatible.
[the Cheat forces the CD into the 8-track player, causing the edges of the CD to break off]
Strong Bad: Oh, yeah, The Cheat. These are some jammin' tunes!
[singing]
Strong Bad: And now we're jammin'! Jammin' tunes! Jammin tunes! Now we're jamm...
[stops singing and gets upset]
Strong Bad: Oh, who am I kidding? This is the worst road trip ever! The Cheat, we're gonna die in the Gremlin!


Strongbad_email.exe: Disc Four (2005) (V)
[Strong Bad sings the song for The Cheat's day on his fake Scandinavian I.D]
Strong Bad: [singing] Sweet, sweet The Cheat, today is the day on your fake I.D. Now, get upstairs - unh! - and fix me some breakfast.

[Strong Bad is working part-time at Bubs' Concession Stand, but is running late for work. Bubs catches him]
Bubs: Late again, Strong Bad? I'm not running a country club, you know.
Strong Bad: But Mr. Bubs, I was just...
Bubs: Wastin' time with that email show of yours again? That mess'll *never* get you anywhere!
Strong Bad: Yes it will! You'll see! I'm gonna be big one day. I'm gonna be a famous email checker!
Bubs: And I'm gonna be two times two. Now put on your uniform and get to work!
Strong Bad: You're gonna be what?

Strong Bad: [describing his week] On Tuesdays, I check my snail mail.
[Strong Bad is seen walking up to a mailbox]
Strong Bad: [singing] I got a snail mail in my pocket, and I think it's starting to melt.
[He takes out a letter from the mailbox and reads it]
Strong Bad: [reading letter] "Dear Mr. Bad, This constitutes your final warning. Please remit payment of three dollars and sixty-two cents or you will be turned over to a "cut-off-your-toes"-style collections' agency. Swarthily, Bubs' Concession Stand."
[He finishes reading]
Strong Bad: [sarcastically scared] Oh, no, final warning? Is there nothing I can do to dissuade you? Like maybe give you a ride in my BMW?
[He takes out a cigarette lighter with the BMW logo on it and uses it to burn the letter. He then laughs triumphantly]
Strong Bad: [looking around] Um... where's my house?

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear STRONG bad, you are extremely awesome...
Strong Bad: [stops reading] This, I know.
[resumes reading]
E-mail: ...but how are you going to be soooo awesome if you'rre...
[sic]
E-mail: ... dead? why not make a time capsule of stuff filled with stuff about you to be opened in at least X0 years. please answer this, sam concord california
Strong Bad: [typing response] Rest assured, Shim-Sham Sam, my time capsule would reign supreme. Like your hot single Mom is gonna wanna date my time capsule. So, the key to a good time capsule is it being an actual capsule. None of these shoe boxes or tennis ball cans. No. Those things are called time boxes and time tennis ball cans. Those are different and lame and differently lame. And they always get dug up in about 4 days. And they're filled with uncool stuff like those leaf rubbin's and current newspaper clippin's and... toenail snippin's? Anybody? Anyways, I'm talking about a f'real capsule. Y'know, like a big old headache medicine. So, what kinda cool stuff should I put in there? I guess I'd throw in a cassette tape with one of my #1 jams on it. And then in the future it'd be a huge hit and they'd send all the royalties and groupies back in time to me right...
[mumbles for a second]
Strong Bad: ... Now!
[the doorbell rings]
Strong Bad: Holy gosh! It worked! I'm the meanest genius!
[but to his disappointment, it's only Homestar]

Homestar Runner: [to Strong Bad, but ignoring him; talking quietly] I want my own cartoon, Strong Bad.
Strong Bad: What? I'm over here!
Homestar Runner: [still quietly] Oh.
[He faces Strong Bad]
Homestar Runner: I want my own cartoon, Pom Pom.
Strong Bad: Homestar, a cartoon starring you would be horrible. It'd just be you saying "Sewiously" all the time and acting like a moron... all the time.
Homestar Runner: No, no. Not no more. I got a new catchphrase.
Strong Bad: No.
Homestar Runner: You wanna hear it?
Strong Bad: No!
Homestar Runner: I'd be all the time sayin' "That's bupkis!"
[whispering]
Homestar Runner: Oh, sorry. "That's bupkis!"
Strong Bad: What're ya whispering for?
Homestar Runner: [whisepring] Because Baby Strong Sad is *sleeping*.
Strong Bad: Now you see this disgusting little chit-chat we're having here? THIS is what your cartoon would be like.

[Strong Bad is giving a free motivational lecture to Coach Z and Strong Mad]
Strong Bad: You gots to look *inside* yourself! Positate the negative! When life throws pies at ya, you make yourself a tall, cool glass of piemonade.
Coach Z: I'm a new man!
Strong Mad: I'm the hump!

[During the audio commentary for "montage"]
Matt Chapman: Listen...
Strong Bad: Actress Marzipan...
Matt Chapman: And we've got Marzipan right here with us!
[Mike says something indecipherable]
Marzipan: Yeah!
Matt Chapman: He called you an actress. Isn't that nice?
Marzipan: Yeah!
Matt Chapman: Seems like usually he calls you something worse than that.
Marzipan: Yeah!
[Mike and Matt both laugh]
Mike Chapman: You're doing a good job acting right now, saying the word "yeah" over and over again.
Marzipan: Thank you.
Matt Chapman: Oh, thank you. A new word.

[Strong Bad shows a dream sequence in which he is about to check the email of his dreams, or his "dreamail". He boots up his latest computer, the Lappy 486, and it talks to him in a female voice]
Lappy 486: Good morning, Strong Bad. You're looking prooty hot. You have one unread messages.
Strong Bad: Well, thank you, Lappy. You're looking prooty hot too. On screen!
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Mssr. Eleganté, you left your pocketwatch in the hot tub. When will you be back to retrieve it? -128 Hot Katies
Strong Bad: [typing] "My Katies 1-128, Good to hear from all y'all, especially you, Katie 80. When my raucous schedule permits, I will triumphantly/abundantly return to the chateau for my ruby-encrusted pocketwatch. I have plans tonight, however, but I will, furthermore, heretofore, be back on morrow next. Please tell Adelaide that the poached eggs were tremendous. Forever Young, Chester Eleganté"
[Strong Bad sends the email; after which the Lappy talks to him again]
Lappy 486: Well played, Strong Bad. Those ladies are sure to be all up ons.

[Strong Bad is asked through email by a person named Kyle if he has ever had a car and if it's pimped out]
Strong Bad: Oh, good one Kyle. Like I don't get two jillion of these emails every two jillion seconds. Er. Wait. Would that be so bad? Hmmm. I'll have to ask Gron Sad about that later on. Maybe write in to "Popular Science" about it. "Popular Science." No such thing, man. More like, "Nerdular Nerdence."

[Strong Bad receives an email on secret recipes that the email senders, Melissa and Hillary of NJ, would like to try. Strong Bad thinks "NJ" is for Nigeria, not New Jersey]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well Mellie, Hillarious, being from Africa I'm sure you guys are used to eating, like, exotic fruits and nectars and, um, lions, so our recipes may seem a bit uncouth. Uncouth. Can something be just plain couth? I bet freakin' Strong Sad is plain couth.

[Strong Bad is asked via email why the King of Town has always had a poopsmith]
Strong Bad: The King of Town's just always had a Poopsmith. Even way back when they got their start as an old syndicated newspaper comic. You know, back when comics didn't seem to need jokes or humor or readers under the age of ninety-one.

[Strong Bad discovers Homestar wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes pants]
Strong Bad: Since you're here, let's talk about your pants... or your lack thereof, Daisy Dukes aside.
Homestar Runner: What are you talking about, Strong Bad? I wear long pants.
Strong Bad: Um, no, from what I can tell, you wear no pants and have blue soles glued to the bottoms of your feet.
Homestar Runner: [shocked] Well, that's simply not true. I have long pants, I wear long pants. I'm a long pants man, long pants, long pants!
Strong Bad: Okay, calm down. I didn't mean to...
Homestar Runner: [convulsing on Strong Bad] Long pants, Strong Bad! The longest pants! Everybody, everybody! Longest pants! Long, long, long, long, long, long pants!
Strong Bad: Ah, that's it! We need to get you some serious clown care, man.
Homestar Runner: [clearly upset] But I was told long pants! Long pants! They said long pants! Always long pants!
[He leans in toward Strong Bad]
Homestar Runner: Long, my pants! Gleaming pants! Glorious pants!
[after a beat, Homestar zips away, leaving his pants behind]

E-mail: Coolest guy ever - - - Strong Bad...
[Strong Bad reads the three dashes as "hennas"]
Strong Bad: [stops reading] Whoa! Three hennas! Must be an important one.
[He then continues reading]
E-mail: I've been wondering if you ever thought of making your own television series? Kids everywhere would love you...
Strong Bad: [seeing the comma where it shouldn't be] Unnecessary comma...
E-mail: and your awesomeness. Allison, NJ
Strong Bad: [typing response] Television? Kids? Wait, do you people think I'm intended for children? Like, the littlest, tiniest babies? You know, they watch those shows on public television. I don't think I'm cut out for that sort of sugarjob.

Strong Bad: Alright, dumb children. Find The Cheat!
[the Cheat appears behind a box in the background]
Kids: He's right there! He's over there!
[continues during the whole scene]
Strong Bad: Uh, no, he's behind the box. No, he's not even *behind* the box, he's *barely obscured* by the box.
[getting agitated]
Strong Bad: Look, The Cheat is behind the freakin' BOX!
[screaming]
Strong Bad: HE'S BEHIND THE BOX! I'LL KILL YA! I'LL KILL ALL YOUR DOGS!

Strong Bad: [singing] Oh, I'm an email gambler. That means I play cards with emails. Full house.

Strong Bad: Man, if I had a nickel for every email I get, I would throw them at people in the food court, from that railing, like up above.

Strong Sad: [rhyming] The quill! The page! Lyric! Rampage! Word up?
Marzipan: Good style there, Strong Sad! Geoff Chauncer would be would be proud.
Homsar: Caramel corn for president, please!

Strong Bad: Ya see Comma, you can still hurt people and their feelings with all manner of different rampages. Until next time, bailiff, I'll be in my chambers. I mean, The Cheat, I'll be in my office... which is this room. So, I'll be right here.

Strong Bad: Why do you have a shotgun?
[shaken]
Strong Bad: What did you do? Where's my compy?
Bubs: It's in a better place, Strong Bad. Or rather, it's in the same place, but now it's got a big hole through it.
[Strong Bad now feels more shaken than ever]
Strong Bad: YOU MURDERER! You killed my brother! I mean, computer!
Bubs: Look, Strong Bad, my mouth was a broken JPEG. I had no choice.
Strong Bad: [sobbing] You don't understand! You ALL understand! I mean, don't understand!

Strong Bad: [reading email closing] "Peace out dat dawg foo gangsta yo Ryan N."
[typing response]
Strong Bad: Did you just call me a dog food gangsta? What's that supposed to mean? Ought I to be offended?

Strong Bad: [narrating; describing his week] Due to a prior arrest, Thursdays are community service days, so me and the old Cheatasaurus head down to Strong Badia to give the place a firm scrubbing.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat are seen cleaning up Strong Badia. Strong Bad is vacuuming the ground, while The Cheat scrubs the resident tire with a sponge and a bucket of water]
Strong Bad: You know what I always say, The Cheat: "Stay smart, vaccuum... dirt."
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Don't forget to wash where the sun don't shine.

[the screen of the Compy 386 reads "429,837 viruses found"]
Strong Bad: That is not a small number! That is a big number! What am I gonna do?
[a Flagrant System Error screen appears]
Strong Bad: [reads off of the screen] Computer over? Virus equals very yes? That's not a good prize!

[Strong Bad has attempted to blindfold himself, light Pom Pom on fire, and poke him with a pin, but Pom Pom beat him up and Strong Bad is unwilling to admit it. He thinks about how to explain Pom Pom's "death" to his parents]
Strong Bad: Dear General and Fraulein Pom Pom, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that your son recently exploded in a giant fiery ball that was visible from space. I would also like to add that in no way did he beat any of the everloving snot out of me. Sequentially, Strong Bad.

[Strong Bad imagines if he had a chance to do over "sisters." He practices seranading Ali and Ali's sister]
Strong Bad: Don't you know I got a big ol' red head, and a fat little body, and I never change my clothes! No, I never change my clothes!

Strong Bad: [reading "Best Wishes, Anonymous Contributor, Gambier, OH"] Best Wishes, Anonymous Contrib-u-tore, Gombyay... hhhough.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Ugh, poor guy. HEY! Mr. and Mrs. Contributor, way to name your kid! I can only imagine the taunts and jabs the kids on the playground musta come up with.
[a piece of notebook paper is shown with two drawings on it: one of Strong Bad and the other of what looks like Strong Sad, but with a question mark for a face]
Strong Bad: [on paper] Hey, Anonymous! Why don't you... um... write a poem or something and not attribute it to yourself!
[the paper disappears]
Strong Bad: Or, like...
[Another notebook paper is shown, also with Strong Bad and Anonymous]
Strong Bad: [on paper] Yo, Anony, maybe try calling the cops and giving them some valuable information to help solve a crime without revealing your own identity!
[the paper disappears]
Strong Bad: Oh, kids can be so cruel.

Strong Bad: Hey, Bubs, read this sign for me.
[He holds up a sign, which Bubs looks at]
Bubs: [reading sign] "Duck A L'Orange".
Strong Bad: What?
[Strong Bad looks at the sign. Sure enough, it reads, "Duck A L'Orange". He then pulls out a walkie-talkie]
Strong Bad: [speaking into walkie-talkie] The Cheat, I thought I told you to make it say "sbu"!
The Cheat: [the Cheat-type noises on his own walkie-talkie]
Strong Bad: Oh, you really want some duck a l'orange, huh? You know we can't afford to eat like that. Aren't you a duck anyways?
The Cheat: [angry The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I don't know. You kinda remind me of a duck.

Strong Bad: Lemme tell you a thing or two about garage sales: Ya ever get the feeling that the people just got lazy taking the trash out, so they stopped right there on the driveway and started putting price tags on things? I mean, isn't it just a little bit suspicious that there's only a one-letter difference between 'garage sale' and 'garbage sale?'
[He says "gar-bahge", to rhyme with "garage"]
Strong Bad: Except, don't ever say 'garbage' like that. That's, like, the only joke Moms have and they can keep it for all I care.

Strong Bad: [singing] I'm not gonna sing an email song this week...

[Strong Bad and Strong Sad are watching "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'". Strong Bad is enjoying it, but Strong Sad is not]
Strong Bad: [laughing] So classic.
Strong Sad: But why are they in space? There's no reason for them to be in space!
Strong Bad: On the contrary, my dear Fatson, there's EVERY reason for them to be in space.

Strong Bad: [after reading "Justin Corcoran, MASS"] Aw, I HATE getting these mass emails!
[He types what he says on the Compy]
Strong Bad: REMOVE ME! UNSUBSCRIBE! TAKE ME OFFA LIST!

E-mail: Hey Strong Bad, get Bubs to give out free luncch...
[sic]
E-mail: ... specials and I'll show you a hot girl.
Strong Bad: [stops reading] Hmm, sounds like a solid deal.
[he resumes reading]
E-mail: Sincerly...
[sic]
E-mail: ... Someone.
Strong Bad: Aw, I hate it when they don't put a name and when they misspell "sincerely". "Luncch" doesn't bother me so much.
[He erases "Sincerly, Someone" and replaces it with "Keep on tranglin, Larry Pat"]
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well Larry, legend has it that Bubs has to give you a free lunch special if you can get him to say his name backwards - minus the first b. "Sbu." You have to get him to say, "Sbu." How hard could that be, right? I mean, I'm saying "sbu" all the time. This'll be a cakewalk. At least a sbu-walk.

Strong Bad: [whispering] Hey, biggest bro, Mom says to keep it down 'cause Baby Strong Sad's sleeping.
Strong Mad: [in his usual loud monotone voice] I can be the quietest mouse! I live in the quietest house!

Homestar Runner: I really got. I really gotta pee. I really got. I really gotta pee pee. I really got. I really gotta pee.
Homestar Runner, Strong Sad: I really got. I really gotta pee pee. I really got. I really gotta pee. I really got. I really gotta pee pee.
Strong Bad: That is a disgusting song!

[Strong Bad and Bubs are performing a three-act play titled "Dreamway Johnny"]
Bubs: [as Mr. Legarm] Well, look who decided to show up! Fifth time this week, Johnny.
Strong Bad: [as Johnny] Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Legarm! Honest I am! I just...
Bubs: You just what? Lost track of time?
Strong Bad: Yes, sir. Only I wouldn't have to worry about that if I could just get the Johnny-tron working!
Bubs: You still wastin' time workin' on that time machine, Johnny? That's a pipe dream, son! Your future's here at the shop. Now sweep up! I got customers to tend to.
Strong Bad: You'll see. Someday. Someday...
[Strong Bad starts singing to a simple piano melody]
Strong Bad: When all my dreams come... truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!

Marzipan: Well, I think it's fantastic, Strong Mad! That's the best stack of VHS tapes I've ever...
[the Viruses convert Marzipan into a piece of ASCII art that makes loud, synthesized noises]
Strong Mad: I can't spell you!
[Strong Mad is turned into his M-shaped yearbook picture and runs off]

Strong Bad: [describing his week] On Saturday, I certainly don't wake up at 6 AM, put on a Speedo, and go to swim practice. No, no, definitely not Speedo. But I do attend battle axe lessons at the rec center, with my teacher, Dolph Hauldhagen, the instruc-TOR!

Strong Bad: [talking about people who frequent garage sales] There is the lurker. You know, that shady night manager at Stuckey's type, who shades around but never buys anything. And you're like, "Is he there just to be seen?"
[cut to Strong Sad and Senor Cardgage looking the garage sale merchandise. Senor Cardgage is particularly looking at a can of peas]
Senor Cardgage: [to Strong Sad] Look at this can of peas, Helvetica. Won't you help me buy it for you?
Strong Sad: I'm finding it hard to express just how uncomfortable I am right now.
Senor Cardgage: I dan't know why, exprecially since you have this can of peas to look forward to.
Strong Bad: [coming into the scene; to Strong Sad] Look, if you're not gonna buy anything, you gotta leave. You're drivin' away all my best customers.
[Senor Cardgage picks up the can of peas and leaves]
Strong Sad: Ugh, I feel like I need to take a chemical shower after talking to that guy. Do we have an emergency eyewash station?
Strong Bad: At least he bought something, *lurker*! Go back to Stuckey's.

Strong Bad: Tonight on Strong Bad Email, comedian Coach Z, actress Marzipan, and some guy from a zoo.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, Why don't you creat a montage? Steve Surf City, NJ
[Strong Bad says "No Job" instead of "NJ" while reading the email]
Strong Bad: [typing response; speaking sarcastically] Oh, why don't you creat an alternate reality where you don't have to spell correctly and I talk like this. And your name is Watered Down!

Strong Bad: [singing] Let's make this moment be the symbol of our lives. We'll pawn your dad's computer and we'll sail to paradise. You're a girl... or maybe a wagon... filled up with pancakes.

Homestar Runner: A wagon fulla pamcakes? In the Champeenship? I'd like to see you try!
Strong Bad: [singing as the wagon trains] Guts, guts, and might, lifting weights and feeling all right! It's a showdown, going downtown, you're gonna mess around, showdown, put your nose down, showdown!

Strong Bad: [talking about people who frequent garage sales] There's the haggler, the guy who spends all day trying to talk you down from a quarter to 22 cents for some worthless piece of crap.
Bubs: [to Strong Bad at his garage sale, holding a doll] I'll give ya two thin dimes for this pantyhose doll.
Strong Bad: First of all, that is Aunt Gert. And secondly, she's worth *way* more than the quarter I'm asking for her! Heck, I paid six-fifty for her new. And them's 1998 dollars!
Bubs: Well, maybe if she was wearing a troll outfit, or a witch's hat or somethin'.
Strong Bad: I'll let it go for twenty-four cents.
Bubs: Twenty-two and a half!
Strong Bad: You, my friend, just bought yourself an Aunt Gert.

[Strong Bad is asleep on the couch when Strong Sad approaches in swimming goggles and a swimming cap]
Strong Sad: Strong Bad!
Strong Bad: [in his sleep] Dangit! Chrona trigga!
Strong Sad: Strong Bad, wake up!
Strong Bad: [in his sleep] Chrona trigga!
Strong Sad: We're going to be late for swim practice!
Strong Bad: [in his sleep] Chrhn... Chrono Trigger.
[Strong Sad tries to give Strong Bad a pair of Speedo-type swimming trunks, which he holds on a stick while looking away disgustedly]
Strong Sad: I've got your swim trunks.
Strong Bad: [in his sleep] Magus, I'm gonna... I'll kill you.

[a computer virus that Strong Bad's computer has gotten is messing up reality. Strong Sad enters Strong Bad's computer room with his head floating above his body]
Strong Sad: [annoyed] Strong Bad, what is going on?
Strong Bad: [screams in surprise] I dunno! You forgot to wear your neck?
Strong Sad: Have you been using the Internet irresponsibly?
Strong Bad: No more irresponsibly than usual.
Strong Sad: Did you get a virus?
Strong Bad: [with guilt] Uh, no.
Strong Sad: Did you get *400,000* viruses?
Strong Bad: [submissively] Yes. *Very* yes!
Strong Sad: Well, hurry and do something about it before it gets worse!
[Strong Sad turns into a Strong Sad trading card and disappears]

Strong Bad: [talking about people who frequent garage sales] There's Coach Z.
[Coach Z is seen at Strong Bad's garage sale, with a bunch of baby items in his arms, all labeled, "Great for baby". Marzipan looks at him]
Marzipan: Coach Z, may I ask why you're buying up all the "great for baby" items?
Coach Z: I'd prefer that ya didn't.

Strong Bad: Checkin' emails with a *viscosity* since 2001, it's a Strong Bad Email.

Strong Bad: [checking his first email on the Lappy 486] All right! Let's see if this bad boy can check some emails.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, what would you like as if you were own made up animal
[sic]
E-mail: Sincerely, Spud Jr.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Come now, Spud Jr. What would Spur Sr. think of such nightmarish grammar and punctuation? And poor Spudmom. "What would you like as if..." I at least hope you're good at sports for their sake.
[he stops typing]
Strong Bad: Okay, I'm done.
[he resumes typing]
Strong Bad: Well Stu-pud Jr., if I was my own made up animal, I would probably like as the coolest made up animal ever made up. I'd probably have all the cool animal options and accessories: Claws, Horns, Tusks, Tentacles, Power Doors, 15 Year Drivetrain Warranty, Proboscis, Segmented Eyes...
[cut to Homestar looking at a monster version of Strong Bad with clawed hands, compound eyes, antlers, tusks, a proboscis and several tentacles]
Homestar Runner: I say there, monstrosity, do you know the times?
[the Strong Bad monster tries to respond, but makes gargling sounds while foaming at the mouth. Homestar looks shocked; cut back to the Lappy, with Strong Bad still typing]
Strong Bad: Oh, I guess I couldn't really talk with that proboscis. Not that I'd have much of an answer for "Do you know the times," anyway.

Strong Bad: [reading "Luke, Eau Claire, WI"] Luke. Eww, Claire! Why?

[Marzipan is at Strong Bad's garage sale. She sees an answering machine]
Marzipan: Ooh, this is perfect. I've always wanted an answering machine.
[She tests it out]
Marzipan: [over answering machine] It's a great day at Marzipan's. Please leave me a message.
[Marzipan glowers at Strong Bad, who looks around shiftily]
Strong Bad: [nervously] See? It *is* perfect. It already knows your name, even. Heh! Oooh, heh. Eee. Oh. Hmm. Peow!
[He runs off]
Marzipan: [no longer angry] More like, pree-ow.

[Strong Bad explains the origin of Bubs' Concession Stand]
Strong Bad: Senor Havin' A Little Trouble and Mr. Bland were by far the most popular characters.
[Bubs' stand falls out of the sky somehow and lands on the two characters and crushes them]
Strong Bad: Then they were crushed by a falling Bubs' Concession Stand.
Bubs: [from inside] Hot time!
Strong Bad: ...said Bubs.

[Strong Bad, when prompted via email to do so, decides to explain the secret to his "pizzaz", by interviewing himself on the subject]
Strong Bad: So, Strong Bad, the peoples want to know... What's the secret to your pizzaz?
Second Strong Bad: Well, for starters, you gotta have the three Gs: Gumption... uh, Gum, like, chew gum... and, um... Gar... gle. Minty gargle.
Strong Bad: Minty... gargle... Is that really all you got?
Second Strong Bad: Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

[Strong Bad and The Cheat approach Coach Z, Strong Bad holding a bowl of an ice cream-like substance with yellowish sprinkles on it and The Cheat wearing a towel]
Strong Bad: Oh man, The Cheat! Wow! Look at this! It's our best friend, Coach Z. Say there, Coach, would you like to try some of our free ice-ed c-cream? It's got toasted coconut!
Coach Z: How could I refuse? I can't afford the money-cost variety.
[He grabs the bowl and scarfs the substance]
Coach Z: Ooh, sweet mercy! This is orful!
Strong Bad: Aww, it's okay, Coach. You're the proud new eater of a healthy bowl of sour cream and The Cheat fur.
[the Cheat removes his towel to reveal that the lower half of his body has been shaved clean of his yellow fur]
The Cheat: [Ta-da-type The Cheat noise]
Coach Z: [gagging and coughing] I think I'm going to puke my pants!
Strong Bad: Ugh! Please don't elaborate on that!
Coach Z: [calmly] Nah, it's easy. I do it all the time. Here, let me show ya's.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat run off, screaming]
Coach Z: You take your pants...
[a recipe card for Great Uncle Pawdabber's Pre-tend Ice Cream Showdown is displayed]
Strong Bad: For best results, dip The Cheat in egg wash before shaving or else he'll get those red shaving bumpies all over him. Ugh.

Strong Bad: [reading "john newell, on"] Johnny Well, on. Whoa, I left my Johnny Well on.
[he erases "on"]
Strong Bad: Johnny Well, off.
[he replaces it with "off", after which the sound of something powering down is heard]

Strong Bad: Hey! Gron Sad!
Strong Sad: Why do you keep calling me that?
Strong Bad: I don't know. Change of pace.

Strong Bad: How many emails would it be if you got, like, two jillion emails every two jillion seconds? Like, a lot, or a little?
Strong Sad: A jillion is not a real unit of measure!
Strong Bad: Whatever, *nerd*!
[he walks off]
Strong Bad: Jillion...
Strong Sad: That's right, say it again!

Strong Bad: [describing "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'", a cartoon show about Limozeen] So one of their main goals is to both run away from and give backstage passes to all the hot babe-liens of the galaxy.
Teeg Dougland: [to Limozeen] I'm afraid I've got some bad news, boys. None of the hot alien chicks from Groupulon 5 have backstage passes to tonight's show.
Larry Palaroncini: Then whose midriffs are we gonna sign?
Gary Palaroncini: What happened to all the passes, Teeg?
Teeg Dougland: Galactic Radio gave them all way... to Mitch Overlord.
[the band gasps]
Mitch Overlord: That's right, Limozeen. I was the 1,485,421st caller!

Strong Bad: Hey, Homestar. I've got something for you.
Homestar Runner: Thanks, Strong Bad! What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?
Strong Bad: It's just this drawing that I made.
Homestar Runner: [suddenly nervous] Oh, no. Don't do it. You know the storm it will unleash!
Strong Bad: No, I think you'll like it!
Homestar Runner: [on the verge of tears] Strong Bad, no! I can't handle it!
Strong Bad: Ta-da!
[Strong Bad holds up a drawing of a one-legged puppy he calls Li'l Brudder]
Homestar Runner: [breaks down crying uncontrollably] NO! LI'L BRUDDER! That little guy, he's got the heart of a champion! You're gonna make it, Li'l Brudder! You just keep scrapin' along!
[Strong Bad watches in disbelief while Homestar lies on the ground, sobbing hysterically]
Homestar Runner: Li'l Brudder, *I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE*! I'm thinking of getting into male modeling, or maybe high finance. I JUST DON'T KNOW!
Strong Bad: [mimicking Li'l Brudder] I'm gonna be all right, Homestar. I can make it on my own.
Homestar Runner: [sobbing] It's like I said, the heart of a champion!

Strong Sad: [trying not to cry] Uh, Strong Bad, is Li'l Brudder named after me? Do you think of me as a one-legged puppy?
Strong Bad: No, I think of you as a two-legged elephant... named Tendafoot.
[he switches his drawing of Li'l Brudder with another of a two-legged elephant named Tendafoot; he then mimics Tendafoot]
Strong Bad: I could power a small city with my whining!
Strong Sad: [dejected] I probably could.
Homestar Runner: [sobbing hysterically] Oh, Tendafoot, can you tell me how to get the most out of life?

Strong Bad: [reading email closing] "Bowing to you, Fraser, Scotland". Oh, no need to bow, Fraser. Get up.
[he then speaks reverently]
Strong Bad: Rise, my son, and giveth me instead $7.50 with which to buy some buffalo chicken tenders.

Strong Bad: [continuing his discussion on "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'"] But most of all, the episode centers around the boys making sure metal stays number one throughout the galaxy.
Teeg Dougland: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, boys. We've been knocked off the charts in the Forbidden Zone by an alternative rock band.
Perry Palaroncini: But their bassist is a girl!
Mary Palaroncini: And the drummer's got short hair!
Larry Palaroncini: And the lead singer wears glasses!

Marzipan: [to Coach Z, at Strong Bad's garage sale] This garage sale is more like a gar*bage* sale.
Strong Bad: Dadadadada! Moms only!
Coach Z: Oh, then I'm okay to say it!
[Both Marzipan and Strong Bad look perplexed by the comment]

Strong Bad: [continuing his discussion on "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'"] And sometimes, the magical prankster Bozar appears and turns reality upside-down.
Bozar: [to Limozeen] Puzzle me twice, Limo-losers! How're you going to play in tonight's show after I turn your instruments into Italian noodles?
[the next shot shows the band at a concert, but with the instruments turned into noodles; the crowd boos]
Audience Member: That's not music!
Mary Palaroncini: [eating his own noodles where the drum is] This is the best show ever, guys!
Larry Palaroncini: Mary, quit eating your drums!

[Strong Bad and Coach Z are on a lyrical rampage; both hold microphones]
Strong Bad: [rapping] I'm on a rampage!
Coach Z: [rapping] I've got problems with my feet and my back!
Strong Bad: I'm on a rampage!
Coach Z: I'm about to have a dope rhyme attack!
Strong Bad: I'm on a rampage!
Coach Z: Coach Z, rock all type of sports!
Strong Bad: I'm on a rampage!
Coach Z: And if you don't believe me, you can get with The Chort!
[he shows off The Cheat as he scratches on a child's record player]

Strong Bad: [asked via email what to say/do on the radio] Well, the first rule of thumb for all radio personalities is to look absolutely nothing like how they sound. Take Ol' Greystoke for instance.
[shows Strong Sad]
Strong Bad: Now here's a whiny know-it-all who sounds exactly like he looks.
Strong Sad: Why, thank you, Senator.
Strong Bad: Quit calling me that. Anyway, if Strong Sad was a radio host, he'd sound like this...
Strong Sad: [in a spontaneous radio host voice] Hey, hey, hey, it's the Deathly Pallor, coming at you on numbitty 902, WA3D FM, "The Sturge"! Coming up next, we got some hot new tracks from double-o ballyhoo!
[suddenly covers his mouth with shock while Strong Bad laughs; normal voice]
Strong Sad: Don't you ever make me do that again!

Strong Bad: [calling] Hey, Strong Mad! What, uh... What's my favorite movie?
Strong Mad: [calling back] GARBLEDINA!

E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear STRONG bad, you are extremely awesome... but how are you going to be soooo awesome if you'rre...
[sic]
E-mail: ... dead? why not make a time capsule of stuff filled with stuff about you to be opened in at least X0 years. please answer this, sam concord california
Strong Bad: [stops reading] This, I know.
[resumes reading]
E-mail: ...but how are you going to be soooo awesome if you'rre...
[sic]
E-mail: ... dead? Why not make a time capsule of stuff filled with stuff about you to be opened in at least X0 years. Please answer this, Sam Concord California
Strong Bad: [typing response] Rest assured, Shim-Sham Sam, my time capsule would reign supreme. Like your hot single Mom is gonna wanna date my time capsule. So, the key to a good time capsule is it being an actual capsule. None of these shoe boxes or tennis ball cans. No. Those things are called time boxes and time tennis ball cans. Those are different and lame and differently lame. And they always get dug up in about 4 days. And they're filled with uncool stuff like those leaf rubbin's and current newspaper clippin's and... toenail snippin's? Anybody? Anyways, I'm talking about a f'real capsule. Y'know, like a big old headache medicine. So, what kinda cool stuff should I put in there? I guess I'd throw in a cassette tape with one of my #1 jams on it. And then in the future it'd be a huge hit and they'd send all the royalties and groupies back in time to me right...
[mumbles for a second]
Strong Bad: NOW!
[suddenly, the doorbell rings]
Strong Bad: Holy gosh! It worked! I'm the meanest genius!
[but to his chagrin, it's only Homestar]

Strong Bad: Our next show, is a family show. It... is... the email.
E-mail: Dear Strong Bad, have you ever thought who will take your place when you retire? Your friend, Jeffrey Desterhoft.
Strong Bad: [typing] You've got a good point there, Jeffy. I suppose I can't keep checking these e-mails forever. I never really thought about finding an heir to my throne before. Come to think of it, what ever happened to my throne?
[picks up a phone and talks into it, sounding like a loudspeaker in a grocery store]
Strong Bad: Attention, The Cheat. Customer needs assistance in e-mail. Customer needs assistance in e-mail.
[the Cheat walks up, wearing a blue employee's vest]
Strong Bad: The Cheat, didn't I used to have a throne of some kind?
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises, pointing to Strong Bad's stool]
Strong Bad: No, no, no, this is my stool. I'm talking about a throne. You know, it had, like, gold nuggets on it, and... a hundred cup holders... some of them velvety cushions... You know, a throne. And I think I had a motorcycle, too. See if you can find those.
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]

Strong Bad: [after reading an email from "DJ Solerous Australia"] Whoa! THE DJ Solerous? What an honor! I saw you spin in a warehouse in Canberra...
[pronounced "can-BEAR-uh"]
Strong Bad: ... a few years back! Uh, no, wait. I lied. I, nor anyone else, have ever heard of DJ Smoldyface.

[Strong Bad's Compy 386 has been destroyed]
Strong Bad: [very distraught] Dear Strong Bad, I doh du duoh crapfully yours.
[hits his head on keyboard desk]
Strong Bad: I... ID DOH DU DUOH CRAPFULLY YOURS! I can relate.
[hit his head on desk again]
Strong Bad: I *can't relate*!
[hit his head on desk again]
Strong Bad: I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get in there and *mix* it up! I don't remember your name, Davy!
[hits his head on desk again]
Strong Bad: Dear Strong Bad, how do you text with boxing gloves on?

Strong Bad: [reading "zack, west islip, NY"] "Zack, west is lip, New York". Whoa! West Is Lip. Sounds like some kind of British new wave band. "And coming in this week at #4, it's those androgynous boys from Hertfordshire, West Is Lip with their hit single 'She Partied Without Dancing'."
[music plays in the background]
singer: [in background] She partied without dancing. She partied with my heart.

Strong Bad: [reading "brian holmes CA"] "B. Ryan Holmes, certified arborist".

Strong Bad: [to Homestar] What are you doing?
Homestar Runner: Umm... Did you just say "doing"?
[pronounces it to rhyme with "boing"]
Strong Bad: What? No. *Doo*-ing. I said, "What are you *doo*-ing?"
Homestar Runner: Oh. Well, you spelled it the same.

Strong Bad: [reading email closing: "Crapfully yours, Richie Z, Can-A-Duh"] "Totally not getting old, Richie Z, Can, A, Duh."
[typing response]
Strong Bad: Wait, you're not related to Coach Z, are you, Richie? Or Coach Zed as you Canucks call him? Whoa. Coach Zed. That's way cooler. I'm gonna start calling him that too and maybe he won't suck so bad! Thanks, Richie! Your pal, Sed Bed.
[types "SB" for "Sed Bed"]

[Strong Bad is talking about why the King of Town has a Poopsmith, and how it dates backs to an old syndicated comic strip]
Strong Bad: It was called "The Castlefunnies", which I guess was a pathetic attempt by the authors to fool you into thinking it was actually funny. It mostly featured the King of Town complaining about his ailing hip joints to the Poopsmith. Talking a lot about ointments... and salves. Back then, it was considered a form of treason to print the word "poop" in the paper, so instead they called the Poopsmith "Mushy Chamberpot", which is actually pretty funny sounding. Anyways, Mushy could only talk in word clouds filled with commas, which I think had just been discovered and were apparently considered comic gold. Oh yeah, I can see why *this* masterwork took two dudes to write it, one to not think of something funny and the other to think of something not funny. So later on, as readership began to dwindle, they'd throw me and Homestar in there as guests in hopes of mooching off our popularity. That worked for maybe a week or so, but then the strip was sadly canceled when the last living reader, a Civil War veteran and creamed corn enthusiast, died. They tried to creep back into the mainstream years later with the release of the "King Castlefunny Pencil Moistener?" But, considering the Dry Pencil Scare of '47 only lasted three days, they didn't sell too many.

[Strong Bad is trying to find a replacement for his answering emails; he and Coach Z are seated at the former's computer]
Strong Bad: Let's hear your best "deleted".
[pushes a button on the screen to display a blue screen flashing and the word "DELETED!"]
Coach Z: DELORTED!
[the screen flashes a yellow-green this time and displays the word "DELORTED!", to Strong Bad's surprise]

[Strong Bad is trying to find a replacement for his answering emails; he and Bubs are in the basement, standing next to a box with a picture of Strong Sad drawn on it on the couch]
Strong Bad: Strong Sad's on the couch, watching TV. What do you do?
Bubs: Kick him in the teeth.
Strong Bad: That's good, that's good, even though he might not have any teeth. What else?
Bubs: Kick him in the grill!
Strong Bad: Yeah, yeah! Keep going!
Bubs: [turns to face Strong Bad] Kick *you* in the grill!
[advances on Strong Bad, waving his arms and yelling menacingly]
Strong Bad: [nervously] No, no, Bubs, calm down, this is only a drill!

Strong Bad: [checking his email under a table] A lot of ladies and a lot of girls. Some healthy ladies and some healthy girls.
E-mail: [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strongbad, do you do anything besides checking e-mails? Sincerely, Hunter.
Strong Bad: [typing; sounding angry] Waudju... gighi... ikuh... What do you mean do I do anything else besides checking e-mails? 'Course I freakin' do! I do everything! Always! Nature walks, Meet N' Greets, Bus Chucker Club, The League of Me and The Cheat Ice Cream Socials. Shut up! I even have a part-part-part-part-very part-time job, to which I am currently fifteen minutes late.
[Homestar walks up to the table, holding a tennis ball]
Homestar Runner: This is perfect. Just perfect! I couldn't be happier with my new invention. I'll call it the Super Question Machine!
Strong Bad: [whispering] I gotta try and sneak out of here without Homestar noticing me.
Homestar Runner: Yeah, you do.
Strong Bad: Gonna need a diversion of some kind...
[the Cheat then walks up and dances for Homestar]
Homestar Runner: Oh, wow! What a great new invention!
[Strong Bad crawls out from under the table]
Strong Bad: [passing by The Cheat] Nice work, The Cheat.
[gives a thumbs-up]

Strong Bad: [showing off a pair of electric boots] No fewer than eight lights flashing at any given time, whisper quiet, and, uh, check out that guy dancing with that hot girl. That's gonna be me at the club, and the hot girl will be The Cheat... er, I mean, an actual hot girl.
[talking like guy in question]
Strong Bad: Hey there, fruit pie... the magician. Wanna dance?
[talking like hot girl in question]
Strong Bad: Yes, I would like to be your girlfriend based solely on your awesome boots!
[puts on boots, while The Cheat stands near an empty socket under the computer desk]
Strong Bad: All right, The Cheat, let's do this.
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
[the Cheat plugs in boots, causing the lights on it to come on and a loud, vacuum-cleaner-like humming to start]
Strong Bad: [shouting over the noise] WHOA! CHECK OUT THOSE LIGHTS! THEY'RE FLASHING!
The Cheat: [questioning The Cheat noises, loudly, while covering his ears]
Strong Bad: I SAID, CHECK OUT THE FLASHING LIGHTS!
The Cheat: [more questioning The Cheat noises; leaves]
Strong Bad: HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WAIT UP!
[follows after The Cheat, but stops when he reaches the end of his cord]
Strong Bad: I'M GONNA NEED AN EXTENSION CORD!
[sits at his computer; typing]
Strong Bad: Attention all interested ladies: Please have electrical sockets installed every five feet before inviting me over to your apartment or dormroom. So, I guess I'm awe...
[suddenly, the power goes out, startling Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: SOME IS THE REASON WHY!
[continues typing despite power outage]
Strong Bad: Whoa. I guess these boots suck up a lot of energy. Maybe that's what "solid state" means. I suppose I can stop typing now.


Homestarrunner.com: Everything Else, Volume 2 (2006) (V)
[singing to the tune of "O Christmas Tree." While The Cheat, Pom Pom, and the Poopsmith stand by, they don't do actual singing]
Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Coach Z, Bubs, Marzipan, The King of Town: Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween! Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween!
Marzipan: With bunnies running for their lives.
The King of Town: I wish this one was supersized.
Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Coach Z, Bubs, Marzipan, The King of Town: Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween! Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween!
Strong Sad: What are you guys talking about?
Strong Bad: Hey, who the crap let Strong Sad out?
Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Coach Z, Bubs, Marzipan, The King of Town: Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween! Decemberween, Decemberween, you're 55 days after Halloween!
Bubs: I got all kinds of crazy crap!
Homestar Runner: I bought Strong Bad a "Deep Impact"!
Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Coach Z, Bubs, Marzipan, The King of Town: Decemberween, Decemberween...
Homestar Runner: Coach Z's been drinking Listerine!

Homestar Runner: Hey Strong Bad, I really like your costume. The Spanish Inquisition? That's great.
Strong Bad: Look, for the last time, I'm not The Spanish Inquisition, I'm not Cab Calloway, and I'm not Strong Bad wearing a yellow turtleneck! I'm Carmen freakin' Sandiego!
Marzipan: I like Cab Calloway.
Strong Bad: Okay, Poopsmith, that's the worst costume I ever saw. I mean, you're *Lazer Tag*? What, are you supposed to be dressed up as the product? Or is it more abstract than that, like you're supposed to be the concept of Lazer Tag? Come on man, you know you just found that old crap in a trunk in your basement.
The King of Town: Ease off, Strong Bad! He's not the one that dressed up as a *girl* two years in a row.
Strong Bad: Oh ho ho ho, you asked for it, King.
[Strong Mad punches The King of Town]
Marzipan: What's wrong with girls?
Bubs: Did any of you guys go to that house that was giving out change? I changed my costume and went back ten times. I made 35 dollars!
Strong Sad: Did you guys go to that house where they let you into this big room and there's all these people wearing black hoods and they ask you these questions about life and existence and if you answer them wrong you get eternal damnation, but if you answer them right you get a Twizzler?
Strong Bad: Um, no.
Homestar Runner: No.
Coach Z: Nope.
The King of Town: No.
Bubs: Nope.
The Cheat: [a The Cheat noise that means, "No."]
Strong Mad: No.
Marzipan: No.
Strong Sad: Oh, never mind.
Marzipan: I like your costume, Strong Sad, but you weren't invited this year.
Coach Z: Say, Pom Pom, check out this funky bass groove: a doo'rear, a doo'ri, a doo'rear, a doo'ri!
[He grooves around a little]
Homestar Runner: I really have to pee.
Strong Bad: Yeah, and the Poopsmith's not smelling any rosier, neither.
Homestar Runner: Oh, oh, I've got an idea! Let's totally freak 'em out. Let's repeat the stuff that we just said! Hey, Strong Bad, I really like your costume. The Spanish Inquisition? That's great...

Strong Bad: Things were just about to start getting crazy go nuts!

[Strong Bad opens his Decemberween present from Homestar]
Strong Bad: What! A "Deep Impact" DVD? You got me this for like the last three years, man!
Homestar Runner: I know, and you liked it so much, I decided to get it for you again.

Marzipan: [on answering machine] Hi, this is Marzipan. Please leave me a message.
Strong Bad: [leaving a message] Oh, hey Marzipan. Have you seen The Cheat? Because we can't find him anywhere. Anyways, this is Strong Bad and...
[Strong Bad then stammers and clears his throat, talking like Homestar, only very poorly]
Strong Bad: I mean, this is Homestar... Runner. Oh, Marzipan, I killed Pom Pom! Yeah, we were playing badminton in his yard and I got mad and I killed him! Oh, no, I need your help burying his body.
[He starts laughing in a stifled way]
Strong Bad: Uh, bring some towels and some garbage bags. This is Homestar.

[Strong Bad approaches Marzipan wearing oven mitts]
Strong Bad: Hey, Marzipan!
Marzipan: Oh, hi, Strong Bad. Are those my oven mitts?
Strong Bad: What? No! These are my training gloves... probably. Anyways, I heard Homestar's getting you the Yello Dello for your birthday.
Marzipan: Yello Dello?
Strong Bad: You wanna know what I got you?
Marzipan: My oven mitts?
Strong Bad: NOTHING!

Homestar Runner: Strong Bad! The good times are over! I swallowed your computer!
Strong Bad: You WHAT?
Homestar Runner: Oh, I mean a small bug. I swallowed a small bug.
Strong Bad: Aw, now my head's not taped to the TV!
Homestar Runner: Strong Bad, I really need your help.
Strong Bad: And I really need to find out who shot Caleb Rentpayer!
Homestar Runner: Oh, that's easy. I did.
Strong Bad: You what?
Tucksworth: Homestar Runner, did you shoot Caleb?
Homestar Runner: [appears on the TV wearing sunglasses] I sure did!
Strong Bad: You traitor! You shot my favorite TV show!
[punches Homestar]
Homestar Runner: [hiccups the bug] Hey, look at that. A small guy. A bug did fly in my mouth!
Strong Bad: Oh, the good times are definitely over.
[Strong Sad runs in wearing blue boxer shorts]
Strong Sad: The world is saved! I found the bluue onnes!

Strong Bad: [dressed as Carmen Sandiego] Where in the world is my candy?

[Strong Bad comes to the House that Gave Sucky Treats dressed as Carmen Sandiego]
Strong Bad: Where in the world is my candy?
[the player gives him an apple]
Strong Bad: What is *this* crap? What are you, a dentist? Or a hippie? Or some kind of hippie dentist?

Narrator, "That Time of Year": Snow falls from the 'bove. It's cold when it snows.
[Strong Bad uses pen to alter the book]
Strong Bad: Now, a million eyeballs fall from the 'bove. The boy gets financial advice from the rat king. Or...
[redraws and rewrites]
Strong Bad: Show the future, magic ball! It burns flesh when it glows.

Narrator, "That Time of Year": Greta is baking cookies. When will they be done?
[Strong Bad makes Greta look Goth and hold a can of bug spray]
Strong Bad: Greta is feeding the mouse bug spray. When will he be done for?

Narrator, "That Time of Year": Decemberween is here. Decemberween is here. Today.
[Strong Bad draws and writes over the book]
Strong Bad: Radioactivity is here. Growing arms out of heads is here. Today. Or...
[Draws himself into the story]
Strong Bad: I am here stealing your presents. Sorry, kids. Today is not your lucky day.

[Strong Bad throws a marshmallow roast to compete with Marzipan's meatless luau. He tries to light a stack of firewood on fire with some matches, but for some reason, the firewood refuses to light on fire]
Strong Bad: Stupid matches, freakin' light the fire!
Strong Mad: [rubbing his belly] Ugh. Hungry.
Bubs: I'm with Strong Mad. I feel about as hungry as the King of Town on a Saturday!
Strong Bad: I'm trying! I'm trying! Gtch!
[taunting voice]
Strong Bad: Hello, my name is Piece of Wood and I don't want to catch fire. Hello, my name is Little Match, and I don't want to *make* a fire!
[completely agitated]
Strong Bad: HELLO! MY NAME IS FIRE, AND I'M NOT COMING TO YOUR STUPID PARTY!

Strong Bad: [imitating Tucksworth] Strong Caleb, did you make the best omelet ever during the commercial break?
[He then imitates Caleb]
Strong Bad: I sure did.

[Homestar and Strong Bad have just watched a Halloween-themed commercial for Fluffy Puff Marshmallows with spokesman Marshie dressed as a vampire]
Strong Bad: I thought you said you were the star of this one.
Homestar Runner: Oh, right. I made that up. But I did get to keep this cool eyeball.
[He picks up an eyeball from offscreen and puts it on]
Homestar Runner: See! See!
Strong Bad: What're you doing?
Homestar Runner: Isn't that the sound that, um... eyeballs make?
[Homestar leans toward Strong Bad, while Strong Bad backs off and then gets up and leaves]
Homestar Runner: See! See!

[repeated line]
Strong Bad: Holy crap!

Homestar Runner: [sighs a lot]
Strong Sad: What's the matter, Homestar?
Homestar Runner: [surprised] Oh! Strong Sad! I can't decide what to get Strong Bad for Decemberween.
Strong Sad: Uh, what do you mean?
Homestar Runner: Well, I know he's kind of a jerk sometimes, and he says "Holy crap" a lot, but I think if I get him the perfect present, he just might like me again.
Strong Sad: What? People get presents for Decemberween? I always just get locked in the bathtub.

[on Halloween night, everyone is standing around in the spooky woods]
Homestar Runner: Strong Bad, Blanche from "The Golden Girls"? Genius!
Strong Bad: [dressed as Jambi the Genie from "Pee-wee's Playhouse"] I'm not Blanche from "The Golden Girls".
Bubs: No, no, he's Phyllis Diller!
Coach Z: I thought you were supposed to be my hot mom!
Strong Bad: No, I'm Jambi the Genie! You know, "Wish? Did somebody say wish?"
The King of Town: I wish you'd dress up as something I could recognize! Pop culture... mumble grumble...

Strong Sad: [dressed as a Devo member] Go foward. Move ahead. Try to detect it. It's not too late.

[Homestar and Strong Bad have just finished watching a Decemberween episode of Sweet Cuppin' Cakes]
Strong Bad: Didn't I invent this cartoon?
Homestar Runner: Yeah, I think so.
Strong Bad: Then how come I can't understand a lick of it?
Homestar Runner: What's there to understand? Eh! Steve's mouth exploded the universe, and the little blond guy did a tidy, tidy dance.
Strong Bad: Oh, right. The true meaning of Decemberween.
Homestar Runner: Yeah, yeah. Right, right.
Strong Bad: Whatever. I'm gonna go re-nog.
Homestar Runner: [a few seconds after the screen fades to darker colors] Will you turn the lights on when you come back in?

Homestar Runner: If you were at a party, what would you rap?
Strong Sad: Each day we die a little more, yo. Better ax somebod-ay!

Strong Bad: [as Reynold] Oh, I really need to go grocery shopping. I wish my girlfriend didn't leave me.

[Five years after it came out, the results of the best Homestar Runner Halloween costume of 2001 are in and the winner is Strong Bad. He is very thrilled. He goes up onto the podium and says his thank-you speech]
Strong Bad: Guess who won? I won a game, a-da-dah! Ba-da-da-da-dah! I won the game tonight at the award ceremony! Oh yeah! First I want to thank The Cheat for helping me to cheat.
[sees The Cheat in tears and waving to him; Strong Bad waves back]
Strong Bad: We did it, little buddy! And I want to thank my agent Bubs; Bubs, my producer; my director, Bubs; and of course, my super-hot girlfriend, who just recently got sucked into a wormhole, so she's probably in some other dimension... right now. I did it for you, baby! I'm out, peace, love!

Homestar Runner: I just graduated from college. What should my epipath say?
Strong Sad: Homestar, do you even have half a brain?
Homestar Runner: Hot biscuts! Those are the best magic words I've ever heards!

Strong Bad: [singing, dressed as an NBC Peacock-like turkey] Dun dun dadun dun dun! Oh, I'm some stupid turkey, as stupid as they come! Cut off my head! Stuff me with bread! Go and suck your thumb!
[Homestar, The Cheat, Strong Mad, Coach Z, and Bubs come out from behind Strong Bad]
Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Bubs, Coach Z, Strong Mad: Go and suck your thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumb!
Homestar Runner: Now let us go and partake of our wonderous feast!
[fade to black]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] Hey, wait a minute! Where's the King of Town?
The King of Town: [looking even fatter than usual] Doo hoo hoo!
[hiccup]
The King of Town: More gravy, please!

[Strong Bad does a commentary on Homestar Runner characters costumes fans made and he sees one of a man dressed as Strong Bad, but with a distended head, standing in front of an office building]
Strong Bad: [narrating] Dear Strong Bad, how's your miserable job at the depressing faceless office park? Oh, pretty good, Geraldine. Today they let me stand out in the parking lot and stretch my head during my seven-minute lunch break. If I'm lucky, I'll get to work here for ten years with no promotion and then get laid off.

[Strong Bad comments on a picture of some Halloween pumpkins with images of various Homestar characters carved into them]
Strong Bad: Whoa, those things rule! These are, like, the talismans of power! You know, like, when they're all together they're a source of unspeakable evil! But then they all get separated and you have to collect them. So, like... the first board would be the jungle board, and maybe the second board is Ice World, and then there's probably a desert world in there and a fire world...

[Strong Bad comments on a picture of someone dressed up as Strong Bad punching a man in a papier-mâché Homestar head and Homestar's shirt]
Strong Bad: Here I am beating up some kind of... mashed potato man. Uh, they got my head pretty good in this one, 'cept I'm not sure what that junk in the front is. I clearly don't have any junk in the front.

[Homsar's entry for the Pumpkin Carve-nival is an eggplant and a spoon taped together]
Strong Bad as Homestar Runner: What do you have to say for yourself, little man?
Homsar: I'm the ghost of Christmas past.
Strong Bad as Homestar Runner: Wow. You just set a new standard for last place. You don't get a ding.
Homsar: And also with you.

[Marzipan's pumpkin for the Carve-nival is still on its vine]
Strong Bad as Homestar Runner: Whatcha got there, Marzipan?
Marzipan: I didn't want to kill mine, so I left it on the vine.
Strong Bad as Homestar Runner: What for? So you could, like, use it in a witches' brew or something?
Marzipan: Um, I don't know what that means. Anyway, I wrote a song about it!
[sings to the tune of The Farmer in the Dell]
Marzipan: Oh, I left it on the vine. I left it on the line. I mean, I left it on...
Strong Bad as Homestar Runner: Not necessary! Last place! Ding!
Marzipan: Homestar, I'm breaking up with you.

Homestar Runner: Taco-Man came by. We played a little foosball, played a little foosball. So, what are some of your favorite words?
Strong Sad: In no particular order: Loquentia... Imbruglia... Precipitous... Saralee cheesecake... Denouement...
Homestar Runner: Those are great!

Coach Z: [as everyone stands outside Marzipan's house] Well, Strong Sad, this is a beautiful house you got here.
Strong Sad: [dressed as David Byrne] This is not my beautiful house!
Coach Z: Oh, and I haven't been introduced to your beautiful wife yet neither.
Strong Sad: This is not my beautiful wife!

Strong Bad: All right, The Cheat! Let 'er rip!
[the Cheat presses a button on a control, making Homestar fall into a trapdoor for about two feet]
Homestar Runner: Ooh. That was fun.
Strong Bad: The Cheat! I thought we were opting for the *bottomless* pit! Not a *two-foot* pit!
The Cheat: [protesting The Cheat noises as Homestar starts to dance]
Strong Mad: [sitting in the basement as Homestar dances on top of his head] I HAVE A FUNNY HAT!

[the Homestar characters decide to celebrate Halloween by taking turns telling a scary story holding a flashlight; everything they say is interpreted in a thought bubble]
Homestar Runner: [holding the flashlight] Once, there was this green goblin...
[a goblin appears in the thought bubble]
Homestar Runner: And he used to look around... and, um, I guess he did a dance...
[the goblin dances a little bit]
Homestar Runner: Oh, man, that was terrible.
[Homestar hands the flashlight to Bubs]
Bubs: And, the goblin, he had a Gremlin! And he jacked it up on some fat tires, and uh, and he tuned it up on some 4.11 positrak out back, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bore over 30, 11-to-1 pop-up pistons turbo jets 390 horsepower! I mean, he had some freakin' muscle!
[Bubs hands the flashlight to Pom Pom, who simply bubbles like always. Three girls with Pom Pom's head appear in the thought bubble. Then Pom Pom hands the flashlight to Marzipan]
Marzipan: One of the girls had a cute little kitten named Kitty-kitty. The other girl had a cute little puppy named Chris. And then the third girl was a Republican.
Strong Bad: Oh, brother! Gimme that!
[Strong Bad snatches the flashlight from Marzipan; a robot appears in the thought bubble and vaporizes everything in it with his laser, except the goblin]
Strong Bad: So then the robot came and he started vaporizing everything with his vapor-gun! And he was like, "You take this, and you'd better, you, and you take this, everybody's gonna die!" And then he said, "Oh, the Gremlin! I hate the Goblin Gremlin! Bah!"
[pause]
Strong Bad: I need to get some more punch.
[Strong Bad hands the flashlight to The King of Town]
The King of Town: And there was fried fish and heavenly ham and Salisbury sundaes and globs of meringue and strawberry frosted donuts and bowls full of jelly and Klondike pudding and scrumptious fillers... and... Doo! Doo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[the King hands the flashlight to Strong Sad]
Strong Sad: And so it turns out the robot had a human brain, which was stolen from a kindly old man, and the children of that old man came to the robot looking for their father, and they called out to him. And the robot's human brain remembered his children and his stolen life, and he was moved to tears. But the tears shorted out his circuits and fried his brain. And the robot toppled over and he crushed his children and the goblin, too. And none of them lived.
[Everyone cries and leaves, since it was a sad story]

[Homestar has made Marzipan a veggieburger with olives for eyes. Marzipan has found the burger too cute to eat, so she has decided to keep it and name it Homestar Junior]
Marzipan: Hey, guys! Homestar Junior's talking now!
Strong Bad: Who?
Marzipan: He said, "Put that freakin' sandwich down!"
Homestar Runner: No, it was me!
Marzipan: I know it was, sweetie!
Homestar Runner: No, me! Homestar Runner!
Marzipan: You're Homestar Junior, remember?
Homestar Runner: Will you put that freakin' sandwich down!
Marzipan: There, he said it again! I'm so proud of you! Who's the best, Homestar Junior!
[Marzipan continues to admire Homestar Junior]
Homestar Runner: Somebody, can I get some help here? Strong Bad? Would you talk some sense into this woman? King, you wanna eat that sandwich? Somebody eat that sandwich.

Strong Bad: Hey, Dairy Queen.
Strong Sad: I already told you, I don't want to be called that anymore! I made a mistake!
Strong Bad: Oh. Sorry, Dairy Queen.

[Homestar Runner and Pom Pom are at a restaurant called Marshmallow's Last Stand eating marshmallows, when Strong Bad and Strong Mad walk in]
Strong Bad: Oh, look at the babies, eating their marshmallows.
Homestar Runner: Uh-oh, it's the Brothers Strong, Strong Bad and Strong Mad!
Strong Bad: You better believe it, man. We're the greatest tag-team wrestlers in the world.
[Strong Mad nods]
Homestar Runner: That's great, Strong Bad. Have a good time.
Strong Bad: No, you morones. We're challenging you to the tag-team match.
Homestar Runner: Hmm... no thanks.
[Strong Bad and Strong Mad get infuriated]
Strong Bad: [snatching Homestar's star off his shirt] Hey, you, gimme this!
Homestar Runner: Hey, gimme back my star!
Strong Bad: Of course. But first, you'll have to beat us in the ring!
Homestar Runner: What do you say, Pom Pom, old friend?
[Pom Pom bubbles in response; Homestar then turns back to Strong Bad]
Homestar Runner: You're on!

[Strong Bad walks in on Strong Sad sitting on the couch watching TV]
Strong Bad: Look, I just thought you should know that all your underwears somehow ended up individually priced and labeled in an online auction.
Strong Sad: [running off] Nobody buy the blue ones!
Strong Bad: That was too easy.
[he then takes Strong Sad's place on the couch and changes the TV channel to a different channel]
Strong Bad: Now to settle down for the 24-hour Caleb Rentpayer marathon!
Tucksworth: [on the TV] Caleb, were you making a little tent out of my jacket?
Caleb Rentpayer: [on the TV] I am now.
Strong Bad: Yeah, you make that little tent, Caleb! He's not the boss of you!

[Strong Sad arrives at the House That Gave Sucky Treats dressed up as Andy Warhol]
Strong Sad: Trick or treat, I guess.
[the player gives him a can of Campbell's soup]
Strong Sad: Oh. While I do appreciate the relevance of this, given my costume, I was kind of hoping for something that I wouldn't have to prepare. You know, like Necco Wafers or baking chocolate...

[Strong Sad and Homsar are playing Connect Four and Strong Sad takes his turn]
Strong Sad: [to Homsar] Okay, your turn.
Homsar: Oh, no! You shanked my Jengaship!
Strong Sad: I shanked your Jengaship? We're playing Connect Four.

[Strong Bad comments on a picture of three people standing in a living room, dressed as Homestar, Strong Bad and Strong Sad, respectively]
Strong Bad: [voiceover; as a product announcer] Barrel-chested Homestar comes with everything you see here. Paper-boxing-gloves Strong Bad not included. Dumpy Robert Smith action figure sold separately. Cozy Americana country decor available at fine stores everywhere.

[the characters are celebrating Halloween with a festival for the occasion. Strong Sad is doing Halloween-themed haiku]
Strong Sad: [reciting a haiku] This night, black as pitch. Doom from inside me wells up. Pray I don't get egged.
[Strong Bad and his posse walk up. The Cheat is hiccuping]
Strong Bad: I don't know or care what a hai-oo-ku is, but we need to scare The Cheat.
Strong Sad: Ooh, I got just the thing.
[he recites another haiku]
Strong Sad: Rapping at the door. Fills up agèd pillow case. So sick of Smarties.
Strong Bad: Oh, I get it. Let me try one.
[he does a haiku of his own]
Strong Bad: A butt for a face. Little brother: dork, dork, dork. Stay out of my room.
[the Cheat hiccups again]
Strong Bad: Sorry, The Cheat. Looks like we gotta find some other way to scare the ever-loving hiccups out of you.
Strong Sad: You don't *scare* the hiccups out of somebody. You gotta *laugh* them out.
Strong Bad: Whoa, that sounds like a segue.

Cheerleader: That stupid wheelchair kid asked me to the Friday night dance, but I'm going with Steven!
[Eh! Steve comes up, dressed as a football player]
Cheerleader: Hey, Steven!
Eh! Steve: Eh! Steve!
The Wheelchair: I'll teach you to steal my date, Eh! Steve! I'm gonna come out of my shell at the Friday night dance and show everybody who's whoooo!
Arrow'd Guy: [dressed as a fairy, turning the Wheelchair into a more realistic wheelchair drawing] GOOD DRAWING'D!
The Wheelchair: I'm a real boy!
Strong Bad: It's over!

[Strong Bad is commentating on pictures of people dressed as Homestar characters and he sees one of a chocolate Labrador dressed as Homestar]
Strong Bad: [voiceover] Oh! That is animal cruelty. Could that dog possibly be more miserable? I bet if old Rover left some sweet spots on that carpet they'd take him out of that ridiculous get-up. Come on, boy, leave a sweet spot! Just a little sweet spot!

Cheerleader: [to the Teen Girl Squad] Okay, my gallies, listen up! We have to draw names for secret Decemberween gift exchange.
So and So, What's Her Face, The Ugly One: [in unison] FUNTIME!
Cheerleader: Okay, chill. I put each of our names into this lion's mouth.
[she shows to the girls a lion]
Cheerleader: What's Her Face, you choose first.
What's Her Face: I'm... hesitant.
Cheerleader: Fine then, you won't get any presents.
The Ugly One: [crazed] I WANT PRESENTS! I WANT PRESENTS! CANNONBALL!
[she jumps into the lion's mouth]
Strong Bad: [the lion eats The Ugly One] CHOMP!
[a gallery of three judges is shown, all holding up the number 2]
Strong Bad: TWO'D!

Strong Bad: [dressed as the Joker] Hello, kiddies, a-meet the Joker!

Strong Bad: [to Bubs, who is dressed as one of the Three Most Important People In the World] So Bubs, your approach this year was to ensure that absolutely no one recognized your costume?
Bubs: You got it.

Strong Bad: [to Coach Z, whose Halloween costume is Theo Huxtable] So Coach, how come you weren't a rapper this year?
Coach Z: But I am! Theo Huxtable is one of the greatest rappers of our time!
[He does a rap movement by bobbing his arms and head]
Coach Z: Jammin' on the one! Jammin' on the one! J-J-Jammin' on the one! Jammin' on the one!

[Strong Bad and The Cheat have been caught trying to rob from Bubs' Concession Stand and are arrested and jailed]
Strong Sad: [writing a letter] Dear Prisoner Number 5408, AKA Strong Bad, AKA Professor Tor Cool Guy, I can only hope your incarceration has turned your life around as much as it has mine. I feel cooler and less like I suck so bad. I've made some changes around the house. Your computer room is now my Tai Chi space.
[Strong Sad performs his tai chi]
Strong Sad: Hai-toh, beng, gait!
[he then resumes writing his letter]
Strong Sad: Well, I gotta go. Marzipan and I have a baklava in the oven. Hoping you don't get shivved, Strong Sad.

Strong Bad: [dressed as Carmen Miranda for Halloween; to Strong Mad and The Cheat] You know, I think it turned out pretty good. I mean, Mom helped me do the fruit, and I did the sewing...
Homestar Runner: [walking past them] Hey, looking good, Strong Bad! The Chiquita Banana lady; that's great!
Strong Bad: [frustrated] Oh, Chiquita Ba... For the last time, I'm Carmen freakin' Miranda!

Homestar Runner: [to Strong Bad, who is dressed as Ozone for Halloween] Hey, Strong Bad, I really like your El DeBarge costume.
Strong Bad: I'm not El DeBarge.
Bubs: No, no, he's Miami Sound Machine.
Strong Bad: No, I'm not.
Coach Z: He's Terrence Trent D'Arby!
Strong Bad: [frustrated] No, I'm Carmen freakin' Mi...
[stops suddenly; calms down]
Strong Bad: No, wait. I'm Ozone from "Breakin'".

[Coach Z and Strong Sad are standing next to a rope in the middle of a field]
Coach Z: Come on, Strong Sad, I knows you can do it! Just cram a little oompah down your pants and you'll be up that rope in no time!
Strong Sad: Look, I'm willing to ignore that "oompah down my pants" comment, but I'm more concerned with what that rope is attached to.
Coach Z: Never you mind! Just get to climbin'.
Strong Sad: Coach Z, ropes are for dopes.
Coach Z: What's that jargle? Scripture? You quotin' Scripture?
Strong Sad: No, it's a quote from Saddy Dumpington, the legendary folk hero I made up.
Coach Z: Sounds kinda like a terlet if you ask me.

[the Cheat has gotten the hiccups on Halloween and Strong Bad tries to cure them. They go to Coach Z's locker room, which has been haunted for the occasion]
Strong Bad: You scared yet, The Cheat?
[he looks at a drippy, green-tinged towel hanging from one of the lockers]
Strong Bad: What about that drippy towel over there? That's pretty scary, huh?
[the Cheat hiccups as Strong Bad feigns being scared]
Strong Bad: Oh, no! Please don't drip on me! You smell like shin guards!
[the Cheat hiccups again as Coach Z then pops out]
Coach Z: Crackity towel! Tommy John surgery!
Strong Bad: Coach, we're trying to scare the hiccups out of The Cheat. You got anything that's not just gross and moist?
Coach Z: [holding up some Blue Star Ointment; scary voice] What could be scarier than Blue Star Ointment?
[He makes scary wailing sounds]
Strong Bad: All right, this has gone from weird and kinda gross to a serious health risk. Let's bolt.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat leave]
Coach Z: Hey! You guys didn't even get your candy outta the terlet there!

[the King of Town comes to The House That Gave Sucky Treats dressed as Hagar the Horrible]
The King of Town: Trick or treat, I'm horrible!
Strong Bad: [behind him] You got that right.
[the player gives the king a stick of butter]
The King of Town: Ooh, a stick of butter!
[he noisily scarfs the butter down, then speaks with the butter still in his mouth]
The King of Town: Trick or treat. Again, please?

[One of the floats in the 4Tst Annual Fall Float Parade is a fall-unrelated one involving Strong Bad bashing Strong Sad, who is trapped inside a snowman, with nunchucks]
Strong Sad: Strong Bad, I thought you said our float was going to be celebrating our nation's covered bridges.
Strong Bad: No, I said our float was going to be sticking you in a snowman and beating you senseless with nunchucks... covered bridges.
Strong Sad: Well, how on earth did I misunderstand all that?
Strong Bad: I don't know, man. You hear the words "covered bridges" and you just go into a trance.
Strong Sad: [going into a trance] Ohhh, covered bridges...
[he snaps out of the trance, however, as Strong Bad resumes his beating him]

Strong Mad: [holding a football and watching TV] TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE! TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE!
[Strong Bad walks up, his eyes squinting as if half-asleep]
Strong Bad: Uh, hey, tough skins. Uh, the game's been over for about six hours now.
Man on TV: Set it and forget it.
Strong Mad: [tossing Strong Bad the football] TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE!
Strong Bad: Yeah... Yeah, okay... I'll, um... I'll take this to the house.
[he walks off as Homestar walks up, wearing a Boston Bruins jersey]
Homestar Runner: [seeing the TV] Wow. That guy's really taking it to the house.
Man on TV: Set it and forget it.

Homestar Runner: Ladies and gentlemen! Or... gentlemen and, like, two ladies! Welcome to the 2006 Flashback show!
Strong Bad: Whoa, we're doing a flashback show?
Homestar Runner: Um, I guess so.
Strong Bad: Awesome! I love a good cop-out!

Homestar Runner: [Marzipan is dressed as the Log Lady for Halloween] Hey, Marzipan, what's with your sweater costume?
Strong Bad: The Log Lady, huh? Maybe you should get together with the Poopsmith!

[Strong Bad does a commentary on Homestar character costumes fans made and he sees someone dressed up as Strong Bad watching a Strong Bad Email on a computer]
Strong Bad: [narrating] "Dear Strong Bad, how do you type with pieces of crappy red foam taped around your hands? Sincerely, Dress-Up Donny." Come on, man. Gimme a little effort here. The gloves. Get some real gloves.

[Strong Bad comments on a picture of a model of Trogdor flanked by people and carved pumpkins for Halloween]
Strong Bad: [narrating] Well, something's gone horribly wrong here, 'cause, uh... these guys either let Trogdor's beefy arm atrophy, or... turned it into a buffalo wing.

[Homestar is trying to find an essence ingredient for Marzipan's Halloween potion. He runs into Strong Bad, Strong Mad and The Cheat at the edge of a cliff, littered with broken TVs that they throw off]
Homestar Runner: Whoa, this is a cool new background.
Strong Bad: Yeah. We were just burying our problems in the spooky woods when we found this creepy cliff. It's perfect for the chucking off of busted old TVs.
Homestar Runner: Essence of busted old TVs? 'Cause I got a serious jones.
Strong Bad: Uh, I think these TVs lost their essence in the '70s. What're you doing up here anyways?
[Homestar is then prompted to ask the three for an essence item]
Homestar Runner: I'm trying to ruin Marzipan's Halloween potion. Got any leads?
Strong Bad: That's a worthy cause if ever there was one. How about this essence of putting Strong Mad's hand in warm water while he's asleep?
Strong Mad: MY SECRET SHAME!
[the Cheat tosses the essence off the edge of the cliff; Homestar runs to the edge and jumps off]
Homestar Runner: Thanks a lot, you guuuuuys!

[Strong Bad comments on a picture of a pumpkin with Strong Sad's face painted on it]
Strong Bad: Ah, nothing brightens up a room quite like Strong Sad's severed head.


Homestarrunner.com: Everything Else, Volume 1 (2005) (V)
[Strong Bad is interviewing Homestar to figure out what his "freakin' problem is"]
Strong Bad: I've heard you enjoy prancing around like an idiot. Is this true?
[Homestar responds by prancing around and singing]
Homestar Runner: [singing] La-dee-la-da-da-la-dee.
Strong Bad: I suppose that answers my question.

Cheerleader: It's our 10th issue-versary! Let's do a clip show!
So and So: Let's have a wedding!
The Ugly One: Let's have a baby!
What's Her Face: Let's kill someone off!
Strong Bad: [offscreen] Okay!
[everyone in the teen girl squad dies at once]

[Strong Mad is heard trying to leave Marzipan a prank phone call on her answering machine]
Strong Mad: Is your refrigerator running?
Strong Bad: [in background] I already told you that one doesn't work on answering machines, man!
Strong Mad: Is your refrigerator running?
Strong Bad: [in background] They gotta be home to answer the phone! Stop trying to do the prank call, man!
Strong Mad: Hello?
Strong Bad: [in background] It doesn't work!
Strong Mad: Hello?
[He is heard banging the phone on the table until a dial tone is heard]

Strong Sad: [when he sees Strong Bad kissing a piece of paper with The Ugly One on it] Uh, Strong Bad, were you just first-basin' it with that piece of loose leaf?

Homestar Runner: Sweet mother of mystery! What's going on here?
Strong Bad: Um... drinkin' drinks at the stick.
Homestar Runner: But what about looking at a thing in some bags?
Strong Bad: It escaped. Into the mountains.
Homestar Runner: Aw, shucks. I never got to see it.
Bubs: I thought you said you had!
Homestar Runner: I lied. I was trying to be a cool guy.
Bubs: Liar.

[Homestar and Strong Bad are in a blue space]
Strong Bad: What're we doin' here? It's like we're in Blue Fadey Land or something.
Homestar Runner: Ummm... maybe this is heaven. We're dead!
Strong Bad: No, it can't be heaven. There's not enough Twinkies.

[Strong Bad is at a local comic book convention to criticize people's costumes]
Strong Bad: Hey, loincloth, please to be putting on more clothes. Ugh... like five or six... more clothes...
[cut]
Strong Bad: Oh, what's up, ironic costume? I suppose you think you're cooler than everyone here! Well, guess what: YOU'RE ALSO HERE. At the comic book convention.
[cut]
Strong Bad: I never thought I'd see the day where a tattoo was a bad thing, but you madam, have shown me the light.
[cut]
Strong Bad: Just for fun, I think I'm gonna start throwing boxes of gamertags at dudes wearin' kilts.
[cut]
Strong Bad: The fact that your costume is accurate down to the tiniest detail does not change the fact that that TV show SUCKED.
[cut]
Strong Bad: Man, if I see another person in a diaper...
[cut]
Strong Bad: Oh, hello, Rotunda! Your physique certainly merits you wearing that leather bikini and fishnet hose.

[the standard closing line for the Teen Girl Squad toons]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] It's over!

Homestar Runner: Oh, hello, Marzipan, this is... Sugar-face.
[he then speaks in a lowered voice]
Homestar Runner: Okay, now what?
Strong Bad: Well, step three is to continue the prank in a direction determined by your identity, but, uh, you're on your own with Sugar-face.
Homestar Runner: Okay.
[he then speaks louder]
Homestar Runner: I am a pretend guy that... comes around... and...
[Homestar suddenly begins singing]
Homestar Runner: ...gets run over by a lawnmower blade!
Strong Bad: What?
Homestar Runner: I chose to end in song!
Strong Bad: Oh boy. Remember how I said this is a six-week course?
Homestar Runner: Yeah, I'm excited!
Strong Bad: Well, it turns out it's cancelled.
Homestar Runner: Aw, man!
Strong Bad: Yeah, it's a shame.
Homestar Runner: Oh, well. It's still the second-best five hundred bucks I ever spent!

Cheerleader: That stupid wheelchair kid asked me to the Friday night dance, but I'm going with Steven!
[Eh! Steve runs up dressed as a quarterback]
Cheerleader: Hey, Steven!
Eh! Steve: Eh! Steve!
The Wheelchair: I'll teach you to steal my date, Eh! Steve! I'm gonna come out of my shell at the Friday night dance and show everybody who's whoooo!
The Arrow'd Guy: [transforms The Wheelchair into a more realistic wheelchair drawing] Good drawing'd!
The Wheelchair: I'm a real boy!
Strong Bad: It's over!

Strong Sad: Strong Bad's right. I'm a waste of space.
Strong Bad: [in background] I said you were a waste of FAT space!

Strong Sad: I'm gonna go buy some ah-NEE-may!
Strong Bad: It's called Japanimation! Or at least it was last time I checked... which was 1987.

Homestar Runner: What is up, my dog?
Strong Bad: Oh, I'm not your dog.
Homestar Runner: Rondleman, you crack me up. Crack... me... UP! That's why you're my D-O-G-E.
Strong Bad: Your doge? What are you talking about? I'm Strong Bad! Rondleman works in Regional Shipping Management Resources.
Homestar Runner: [laughing] Good one, Rondleman. I mean, good one, my dog.

Strong Sad: [on Marzipan's answering machine] Oh, hey, Marzipan, guess-who-this-is-it's Strong Sad. I was just calling 'cause I figured you wouldn't be home, and I'd never done that thing, you know, where you call somebody and you're leaving a message on their machine, and then, while you're leaving the message, they pick up the phone and it's like: "Oh, hey! Hi! I was just leaving you a message, and, how're you doing?" and so... see, I never had that happen to me, so I thought I'd just call you and talk... talk to your machine 'til you got home... so that's what I'm gonna do. Hello? Hellooooo? Marzipan? Hello?

[Homestar enters the website, only to find an Internet Explorer "This page cannot be displayed" page]
Homestar Runner: Um... Strong Bad? What's going on here? What happened to my website?
Strong Bad: The system is down, yo.
Homestar Runner: Oh, the system.
Strong Bad: Yeah, I think too many people tried to log on. Uh... sorry about that.
Homestar Runner: What are you sorry for? It's my website.
Strong Bad: I don't think they're coming to see you, Homestar.
Homestar Runner: What, you think everyone's logging on to watch "tape-leg"? Yeah, that's a good one.
Strong Bad: Hey, shut up! The tape-leg is cool.
Homestar Runner: Well, when do I get my website back?
Strong Bad: Oh, any day now. We've got our top men working on it around the clock.
Bubs: Well, I found the problem. Looks like somebody tried to cram-a-lam a Swiss Cake Roll into the disk drive.
Homestar Runner: [glares at Strong Bad] Oh, really?
Strong Bad: Uh, what are you looking at me for? I did...
[Strong Bad speaks nervous gibberish and runs off. An error message reading "This is real: Everything is fine. Nothing is ruined." is taped to the screen]
Homestar Runner: So, Bubs... what are you gonna do with that Swiss Cake Roll?

[Strong Bad is at a third-quarter earnings meeting in an office. He stands before an audience to both his right and left sides]
Strong Bad: Um, yes. Thank you, gentlemen. So, uh, how's everybody feeling out there?
[after a pause, Strong Bad leans to his right]
Strong Bad: Lemme get all my shareholders on this side of the table to say, "Hey!"
[He then leans to his left]
Strong Bad: And all my shareholders on this side of the table to say, "Ohhh!"
[a shareholder clears his throat and Strong Bad holds up a Post-it note]
Strong Bad: So, lemme tell you about this Post-it note. Listen tightly. This thing's going to save the company millions!
Shareholder: [deep, rumbling voice] What about the earnings?
Strong Bad: Ooh, yes. Earnings. Uh... can I have the country of origin, please?
Shareholder: What?
Strong Bad: Uh, can you use that in a sentence?
Shareholder: Where are the earnings?
Strong Bad: Yes, earnings. E-A-R-N...
[He gets hit by a shoe and slumps over]
Strong Bad: Ow!
Shareholder: Is this the kind of man we hire these days? He's a total liability!
Homestar Runner: [appearing beside shareholder] Yeah, liability. L-I-A-B-I...
[Homestar, too, gets hit by a shoe and he, too, slumps over]

[the Cheat has just shown Strong Bad and Homestar a music video version of his theme song]
The Cheat: [questioning The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Um, I don't know, The Cheat. I didn't think it was very good. At all. I mean, the song was kinda catchy, but the visuals were lacking, at best.
Homestar Runner: This is the best video game I ever played!

Strong Mad: A glowy box. A glowy box!
Strong Bad: A glowy box? Are you sure that's what you'd get for your tattoo?
Strong Mad: It's personal!
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I'd want mine to look like a prison tattoo that you carved out yourself with a spoon and some soap. There'd be a rocket launcher, of course, and above that it'd just say, "Bad Guy."

[Homestar comes up to Strong Bad and his posse, who have been talking about tattoos]
Homestar Runner: Hey, guys! H'whatcha teekenbot?
Strong Bad: We're talking about something cool and interesting. You wouldn't understand.
Homestar Runner: Oh, tattoos, huh? I'd get one on my forearm that said, "The For Real Deal," and has a picture of me dressed up like Uncle Sam.
Strong Bad: You'd get one on your forearm, huh?
Homestar Runner: Or one on my bulging bicep that just says "Cake Man." Ooh, or a glowy box on my wrist.
Strong Bad: [to The Cheat] I just don't have the heart to tell him.
Strong Mad: You don't have ar...

Strong Bad: Give 'em the real scoop.
Little Girl: [giggling] Scoop.
Strong Bad: Yeah, the scoop.
[Little Girl slurps, makes chomping noises, and puts her hand to her mouth as if eating something]
Strong Bad: What was that? Did you just eat a scoop?
Little Girl: Yeah, like ice cream.
Strong Bad: [mockingly] Like ice cream!

[Little Girl plays with the Kick the Cheat doll]
Strong Bad: Be careful with him. That's my only The Cheat. That I have.
[Little Girl throws The Cheat doll onto the ground. It makes frustrated-sounding squeals]
Strong Bad: That doesn't count as being careful.

[Homestar and Strong Bad are sick]
Homestar Runner: Hey, Strong Bad, my burps smell really bad. Check this out.
[He tries to breathe, only to wheeze]
Homestar Runner: Hang on.
Strong Bad: Ugh, go away! I can't smell anything anyways.
Homestar Runner: Oh, I'm betting you can smell these.
Strong Bad: Yeah, well, you're lucky it's your burps that smell. DO NOT go into Strong Mad's room. Or as I've taken to calling it, Rotten Egglünd.
[Strong Mad is so sick, he is quarantined in his room]
Strong Mad: [from inside] Somebody help!

[the Cheat had shown Strong Bad a cartoon he made in which Strong Bad has purple boxing gloves and his underwear peeks out of his pants]
Strong Bad: PURPLE BOXING GLOVES? Did you do any fact-checking before you turned this in? What if I did that to you? Oh yeah, The Cheat, he's a striped, green rabbit... with two butts!
The Cheat: [angry The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: But you made my underwears showing! Everybody knows I don't wear underwears.
The Cheat: [more The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Mmm... all right. You get an iron cup... full of Brunswick Stew.
[He places a cup full of stew on the desk]
The Cheat: [happy The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: But lemme tell ya's: with a little extra effort, it would have been a trophy full of Steak-umms.
The Cheat: [a The Cheat noise that means, "Aw..."]
Strong Bad: Guy drops a couple of JPEGs in his cartoons and thinks he's, like, the guy who draws "The Lockhorns" or something. Now THAT guy knows funny!

The Ugly One: Three springrolls, please.
Strong Bad: MSG'd!
The Ugly One: Oww! My stomach lining!
Cheerleader: We'll get to that one later.

Cheerleader: Isa my underwears showing?
The Ugly One, What's Her Face: Yes, ma'am.
Cheerleader: Grood. I mean, good... and great. Great and good.
What's Her Face: Tee hee.
The Ugly One: We're cool.
Strong Bad: No, you're not!

College Boy #1: I miss video games.
College Boy #2: I miss my mom.
Cheerleader, So and So: Hello, boys!
Cheerleader: We're in college!
So and So: We're in eighth grade!
College Boy #1, College Boy #2: Hahahahahhahahaha!
Strong Bad: [as Cheerleader kicks So and So away] Punt!
So and So: Ahh! My hopes of reaching first base!
Cheerleader: That's my little sister who is at least 5 years younger than me. She's never kissed a boy.
College Boy #2: You look the same age.
Cheerleader: I'M FIVE YEARS OLDER AND IN COLLEGE!
Strong Bad: SAILING MISHAP!
College Boy #2: I'm gonna miss her.
College Boy #1: I'm gonna miss video games.

Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Uh, yes, hello there, Mrs. Pan. This is... uh, Detective Everybody down here at the station. And, um... and we got your boyfriend Homestar down here and, uh, he's dead. Beca... We killed him, because he was so stupid that we had to shoot him to keep him from being even more stupid. So if you wanna come down and I.D. the body, there's not much left. We put about 37 slugs in him, eh-and things don't look too good. Uh, so if you could come down we would appreciate it, right now... um, to come look at your dead boyfriend.
[he is clearly heard snickering]
Strong Bad: Okay, have a good day.

[Strong Bad is trying to work on spreadsheets on his computer at a job he's apparently taking and Homestar is bothering him]
Homestar Runner: So, you goin' to Beach-Themed Restaurant tonight? It's ladies' night. Music, dancing, they've got fake palm trees!
Strong Bad: Oh, yeah, I'd rather die!
Homestar Runner: Cool. Can I catch a ride? Pick me up at six. Ooh, and bring plenty of cash. I'm gonna need at least five or six appe-teasers.
Strong Bad: Will you just get outta here and let me finish these spreadsheets!
Homestar Runner: You're not done yet? I finished mine weeks ago. Let me give you a hand!
Strong Bad: No! Don't touch that!
[Homestar leans his head in and bangs it on the keyboard repeatedly]
Strong Bad: Uh?
[a Flamboyant System Error screen appears on his computer]
Strong Bad: Oh, *great*! THIS IS JUST *GREAT*!
Homestar Runner: Yeah! You can thank me later. I love that blue screen. It is also my dog.

Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Uh... Mrs. Pan. Uh, hello. Uh, yes, this is, uh, Mr. Nobody from the Toilet Patrol. And, um, we're just calling because we need you to do a check-up on your toilet. S-so, if you could, uh, stick your head in the toilet and, um, flush the toilet...
[he is clearly heard trying to hold back laughter]
Strong Bad: ... and then give us a call back and let us know if your toilet is all right. Okay, have a good day!
[more stifled laughter is heard]

Homestar Runner: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine; lowered voice] Okay, so what am I doing here?
Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine; lowered voice] Step one is to greet the recipient of the prank call.
Homestar Runner: Okay, okay, I got it.
[he clears his throat and speaks a little more loudly]
Homestar Runner: Hey, Pom Pom!
Strong Bad: [imitates a buzzer noise] Wrong! Hang up and start over.
[They hang up]

[Strong Bad and his posse are sitting around on the couch lazily]
Strong Bad: The Cheat, The Cheat, The Cheat, The CheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheatTheCheat! Get me a drink!
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Hey, Strong Mad. Get... get me a drink!
Strong Mad: MORE LIKE, YOU GET ME A DRINK!
Strong Bad: Hey, don't sass back with me! Augh. We need to figure out how to get some drinks... like... without having to actually get some drinks.
The Cheat: [excited The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Ooh! The man with the plan!

Homestar Runner: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Oh, hello Marzipan!
[he then speaks in a lowered voice]
Homestar Runner: Okay, what I'm supposed to do now?
Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Step two is where you reveal your fake identity to the prankee.
Homestar Runner: Oh, I'm Batman.
Strong Bad: What, n...! Just make up a name!
Homestar Runner: Okay, okay!
[he then speaks louder]
Homestar Runner: Hey, Marzipan, this is Homestar.
[Strong Bad imitates a buzzer noise and they hang up]

[Cheerleader is standing at a graveyard where the rest of the Squad is buried]
Cheerleader: I look so good!
[Strong Bad walks up to Cheerleader]
Strong Bad: Whoa. Hey there, Cheerleader. You're looking so good. You want to go take a ride with me up to Checkers, or Rally's, or, um, Sonic Burger? Whatever you guys got here.

[Strong Bad wants to interview Homestar Runner]
Strong Bad: What the crap were you doing out there?
Homestar Runner: Out where?
Strong Bad: Outside! I watched you prance by like five times, man.
Homestar Runner: Oh, I doubt it. I drove.
Strong Bad: You don't own a car.
Homestar Runner: Yeah, you're probably right.
Strong Bad: Okay, let's get down to brass tacks.
Homestar Runner: Oh, I didn't bring any. I drove.
Strong Bad: Oh, this is gonna be painful.
Homestar Runner: What, the tacks? I bet. Try not to sit on 'em.

Marzipan: [greeting on her Answering Machine] Hi, this is Marzipan. I'm out expanding my horizons. Leave me a message.
Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Good afternoon, Marzipan. My name is Bob... Statesman. I'm running for Elected Official this Tuesday. I'm calling to garner your vote. I support all the issues: save the animals, move the ocean over there, just like you. We are currently accepting campaign donations to support our cause against runoff candidate uh... Cory. In order to beat this guy, we need the contributions of s-constituents like you. We accept donations in the form of cash, all varieties of cupped cakes, and hard rock albums on cassette. As always, please put your donations in a cardboard box and leave it at the street. And really do it this time! I mean, I've never called you before to ask for anything... but seriously... put some stuff in the street!

[after Cheerleader gets run over, her friends decide to form a "Best Friends Squad". Strong Bad sings about them]
Strong Bad: A glue stick. Some glitter paint. Words cut out from a magazine. BFF carved in a tree, that stands for Baow Fom Froosh! A Port-o-John came to life, put on a play with So and So. Unfortunately, they didn't get very good reviews. What's Her Face ate staple sauce. A big heaping bowl of staple sauce. Then crazy Learner's Permit Girl gave me a ride to Babbage's.
[spoken]
Strong Bad: What? They don't got no Turbografix games?

[standard opening line for the Teen Girl Squad toons]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] Teen Girl Squad! Cheerleader! So and So! What's Her Face! The Ugly One!

[Strong Bad and The Cheat have gotten a booth at TrogdorCon '97, a comic book convention]
Strong Bad: All right, so here we are at TrogdorCon! Got booths set up and lookin' good! So, The Cheat, these cons... what exactly is gonna go on here?
The Cheat: [some The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Geeks and nerds? That doesn't sound like anything I want to be a part of.
The Cheat: [more The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Ladies in skimpy sci-fi costumes? That sounds like *everything* I want to be a part of! Are you sure they're in the same place as the geeks and nerds? That doesn't make any sense. Ladies in skimpy outfits should be hanging out with me... and to a lesser degree, football players and rappers... not geeks, nerds, or any of their smelly brethren.
The Cheat: [some The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Yeah, I'll see it when I believe it.

Marzipan: [greeting on her Answering Machine; sounding breathy] Hi, this is Marzipan. I'm feeling very vivacious today. Please leave me a message.
Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's answering machine; mimicking Marzipan] Oh, hello, Marzipan. Uh, this is you, Marzipan, calling yourself, like you do all the time, because you're so stupid. Uh... I just wanted to call to tell you to, uh, punch Homestar Runner in the face as many times as you can, um, and as hard as you can. Oh. And also, start calling yourself... um... Uglypan... from now on. That's what everybody gonna call h... you, um, uh, me. Okay, I'ma see you tonight, because I'm you!

Homestar Runner: [to Strong Bad] What's up, my homey!
[he notices that Strong Bad's work computer is smoking]
Homestar Runner: Ew, what's that smell? Did Mancuso at Accounting put his three-hole punch in the microwave again? That guy sucks!
Strong Bad: Oh, get outta here, man!
Homestar Runner: No, not yet. So, did you get that email that I forwarded to everyone in the company and their families and their high school friends?
Strong Bad: No! Can't you see my computer and I are having domestic problems?
Homestar Runner: Oh, man, you should check it out right now. It has a three-gig hilarious file attachment attached to it. It's one of the funniest emails I've forwarded this week!
Strong Bad: Three-gig attachment? Oh, no wonder!
Homestar Runner: When you get that mess fixed, check out that attachment. The file's called "catonfire_fallingfromanairplane.exe". I'm not gonna tell you what it is, but trust me, you got to check it out! I was ROTF all over the place when I saw that. Anyways, I'm gonna go see what Gunderson thought of it. That guy doesn't suck. See ya later, alligator!
[he leaves]

[Strong Bad's office computer is smoking and The Cheat comes over to investigate]
The Cheat: [interrogative The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I didn't *do* anything! I just turned it on, tried to check my email, and then it started smoking and shaking it like it was Friday night!
The Cheat: [more interrogative The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: Back up my files? Are you kidding? Is that a real thing you have to do? I always thought that that was just like, you know, a figure of speech.
The Cheat: [incredulous The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I dunno, like "Wake up and smell the coffee," or "See ya later, alligator!"
The Cheat: [angry The Cheat noises; walks off]
Strong Bad: Oh, great. So my computer's dead. This almost never happens to me!

Strong Bad: [leaving a message on Marzipan's Answering Machine] Good morning, Marzipan. This is your cable man... uh, Cableman Jorge. Just calling you regarding your service. We need you to do a little routine maintenance on it, so go ahead and buy, like, a hundred-foot spool of coaxial cable and run it off your cable box and out the window and... give it a toss in the general direction of Strong Bad's house. And while you're at it, you may want to go ahead and upgrade to the premium package which includes all the pay channels... and the Olympic triplecast. So get that done for us, we'll be... we'll be much obliged. Tenderly, I remain... Cableman Jorge.

Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine, eating something] Oh, hey, Marzipan. This is that guy, Strong Bad. Um, so I was just reading on my Internet about how tofu is made from little baby seals. Yeah. So like, all this time, you've been eatin', um, little baby seals. So what? I guess you're gonna keel over, at like, any second now at the thought of all these little baby seals running around in your stomach. I mean, that's just gross. Just plain old gross. So in conclusion... you should listen to your cable man.

Cheerleader: [to the rest of the Squad] Now, more than ever before, let's get ready to look...
Teen Girl Squad: SO GOOD!
[They rotate a full 360 degrees]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] Whoa! That was about the coolest thing ever! Me gotta see that again!
[the scene rewinds and then replays the spin, but now What's Her Face still spins]
Strong Bad: Uh-oh, we got a spinner.
What's Her Face: Wheeeee!

Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine; as a sweepstakes announcer] Hello, Marzipan! This is Sweepstakes Ron, come to bring you great news! You have been randomly selected to win an unlimited supply of one million...
[under his breath]
Strong Bad: ... punches in the face.
[normal voice]
Strong Bad: So, to claim your prize, just blindfold yourself and walk out on the front stow-oop, or stoop... and get ready to receive your free million...
[under his breath]
Strong Bad: ... punches in the face.
[normal]
Strong Bad: Don't delay! Get outside right now! I'm waiting in the bushes! I mean... uh, for to give you the million...
[under his breath]
Strong Bad: ... punches in the face.

[Strong Bad's work computer is smoking and he decides to back up his files on it. He pushes a button and it explodes; all that's left are ashes]
Strong Bad: [screams] That's the worst computer explosion I've ever seen! Is there anything I can salvage? Oh, I think I see some of the third-quarter analysis spreadsheet in there, and... Oh, is that my buddy list? I gotta back that up!
[he takes a manilla envelope and sweeps the ashes into it]
Strong Bad: Sweep some of this in here... my buddy list... The Cheat, Strong Mad... buddies...

[Strong Bad and The Cheat have gotten a booth at TrogdorCon '97]
Strong Sad: What are you guys doing here?
Strong Bad: Hangin' out. Don't tell nobody, but secretly, we're really just hangin' out.
Strong Sad: But didn't it cost money to get a booth?
Strong Bad: Look, I don't know where The Cheat got 500 bucks or where your missing 500 bucks is. All I know is we're hanging out here at TrogdorCon '97! Or in your case, Trog-*dork-on* '97.
Strong Sad: It's not called TrogdorCon and it's 2005.
Strong Bad: Maybe for you, but... you're... a butt.
[he grins]
Strong Sad: That's a good one, Strong Bad.

[Strong Bad and Homestar are taking jobs at an office]
Homestar Runner: [to Strong Bad, feeling hung-over] Rondo, it's official. This just in from corporate.
Strong Bad: Whoa, what is it?
Homestar Runner: Thursday is the new Friday. Man, I don't even want to remember what went on last night.
Strong Bad: Apparently, you didn't want to remember to take a shower, either. You smell like wet tech support, with onions.
Homestar Runner: Thanks, man. Hey, I need you to cover for me. I'm supposed to present the third-quarter earnings to the shareholders in five minutes, but I really need to take a nap under your desk, here, so...
Strong Bad: No way! I'm in the middle of something big here! I'm gonna save this company millions!
Homestar Runner: Thanks, man, I owe you one.

Cheerleader: Okay, my Spanish galleons, this summer's gonna be different! Say guh-bye to hanging out next to this old person!
[shows off an old man]
The Ugly One, Old Man: Bye, old person.
Cheerleader: 'Cause now I'm best friends with an olda girl what has her LEARNER'S PERMIT!
The Ugly One, So and So: LEARNER'S PERMIT!
Old Man: [overlapping] LEARNER'S OINTMENT!
What's Her Face: I've had my license for a year...
Cheerleader: Stop saying words. Here she comes now!
[a crazed-looking learner's permit girl drives up and runs Cheerleader over]
Strong Bad: DRIVER'S ED'ED... DEAD.
Cheerleader: Ow! My entire life!

Strong Bad: [on Marzipan's Answering Machine; fake British accent] Cheerio there, Mrs. Pan. This is Constable Anybody over here at the Royal Society for Total Dorks. We would like to welcome you to our prestigious society. In fact, we would make you freakin' president!
[snickers; clears throat]
Strong Bad: Yes, so, all you have to do is, uh, go to your window and stick a couple of pencils up your nose, and...
[snickers]
Strong Bad: ... then you'll be the president!
[snickers again]
Strong Bad: Okay... cheers, 'cause I'm so British!

Cheerleader: [to the other girls] Okay, my gallies, listen up! We have to draw names for secret Decemberween gift exchange.
So and So, What's Her Face, The Ugly One: FUNTIME!
Cheerleader: Okay, chill.
[gestures toward a lion]
Cheerleader: I put each of our names into this lion's mouth. What's Her Face, you choose first.
What's Her Face: I'm... hesitant.
Cheerleader: Fine then, you won't get any presents.
The Ugly One: [crazed] I WANT PRESENTS! I WANT PRESENTS! CANNONBALL!
[jumps toward the lion]
Strong Bad: [the lion eats The Ugly One] CHOMP!
[a gallery of judges is shown all holding up the number 2]
Strong Bad: TWO'D!

Powered by The Cheat Homestar: [to Strong Bad] I'll have some, soup.
Powered by The Cheat Strong Bad: [tripping up Homestar] The Cheat, get the man *some* soup.
The Cheat: [a The Cheat noise as he pours soup on Homestar's eyes]
Powered by The Cheat Homestar: Okay, hot soup is on my eye.
[the Cheat jumps on Homestar's face and dances on it as hip-hop music plays in the background]
Powered by The Cheat Homestar: Oh, no! Now you're doing a hip-hop dance on my head!
Powered by The Cheat Coach Z: [appearing] Hey! That's a good dance!


Homestarrunner.com: Everything Else, Volume 3 (2007) (V)
Strong Bad: Oh look, The Cheat! If it isn't the big, fat, yellow blob and Pom Pom!
Homestar Runner: Hey! No, wait. Hey! No, wait. Hey! Wait.
Strong Bad: Lemme break it down for you like this: I am the very strongest. While on the other hand, inversely, you guys are not very strong!
[Pom Pom makes angry bubbling noises. Strong Bad and Homestar look shocked]
Homestar Runner: Whoa, Pom Pom! Let's tone down the language before the contest, huh?

[a tired Homestar in his pajamas walks in a post-vacation return party everyone attends after going off on different vacations]
Homestar Runner: [yawns] What's up, my brothers? Let no one say the Homestar Runner don't know how to nap. What is it, like mid-May or something?
Strong Bad: Uh, try "early July."
Homestar Runner: [screams] I slept through June!
Strong Bad: Yup.

[Homestar and Strong Bad are distraught to learn that Marzipan and The Cheat are dating each other]
Homestar Runner: Oh, man. Seriously, Strong Strong, we've gotta do something about this.
Strong Bad: Well, ordinarily, I just drown my sorrows in video games. But for this, maybe I should drown them in... drowning *them*.
Homestar Runner: Uh, maybe let's not kill anybody. We should just try and ruin their date.
Strong Bad: Explain to me how drowning them wouldn't ruin their date.
Homestar Runner: Mainly, I just want to keep them from making out.
Strong Bad: [rubbing his arms] Ewww! The disgust! It won't wash off!

[Strong Bad does a commentary on Homestar Runner characters costumes fans made and he sees one of a man dressed as Homestar standing in a foyer of a building]
Strong Bad: [narrating] Why do I get the sinking feeling that no one else was present when this photograph was taken? And that the camera's just sitting on a nearby trash can. And that guy accidentally set the timer for three minutes instead of ten seconds, and he sat there and waited the whole time for the picture to take. And after it did, he went back upstairs to his dorm room, and went to bed. I mean, and wet the bed.

[Strong Bad and his posse are in a fast food restaurant, where The Cheat has stuffed himself full of French fries that can be seen in his mouth]
The Cheat: [whimpering The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: C'mon, The Cheat! You can do one more! Just one more! Oh, have you heard the latest news? I heard the latest news, it was that you could do one more! One more!
The Cheat: [whimpering The Cheat noises as he spits a few fries on the table]
Strong Bad: Strong Mad, tell your girlfriend to do one more.
Strong Mad: SHE'S GONNA BLOW!
[Homestar approaches, dressed as a waiter]
Homestar Runner: And can I get you gentlemen anything else?
[Homestar holds up a big shoe, out of which rises a flower]
Homestar Runner: Bling!

[it's supposed to be Halloween Night, but it's daytime out and everyone is trying to find the darkness]
Homestar Runner: Halloween Night! Come here, boy!
[he whistles and pulls out an old squeaky chew toy, which he squeezes]
Homestar Runner: I got this spooky, yucky chew toy for ya!
[he whistles again, while Strong Sad and Pom Pom appear behind him]
Strong Sad: Homestar, you are aware that Halloween Night is not a puppy, aren't you?
Homestar Runner: [laughing] Yes. Obviously... I am... aware... that it is not... What was that last part?
Strong Sad: A puppy.
Homestar Runner: ...a puppy!
Strong Sad: Okay, good. But seriously, we have to find Halloween Night.
[the sunlight shines down on Strong Sad menacingly, while he looks up at it]
Strong Sad: I don't do so well with all this sunlight...
Homestar Runner: Sit, Halloween Night, sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit, sit-sit!
[he whistles while Strong Sad and Pom Pom back away and then run off]

Homestar Runner: [as everyone stands in the field on Halloween Night, even though it's daytime] Strong Bad, that's the best "evil Carmen Sandiego" costume I've ever seen.
Strong Bad: [who is really dressed as Father Guido Sarducci] If I wasn't dressed up as a pretend priest-comedian, I'd beat the crap outta you right now.

[Strong Sad attempts to solve the mystery of some DNA evidence and is interviewing various people about it]
Marzipan: Well, it all started several weeks ago. I came home from my toga-yoga class to find that my house had been broken into and that the culprit had left behind some DNA evidence.
Strong Sad: What was it? Hair particles? Skin flakes? Blood crispies?
Marzipan: No, it was a little test tube just full of green DNA evidence.
Strong Sad: Oh. Just like in the movies.
Marzipan: So I immediately took it to Bubs to be analyzed and *this*...
[she holds up a test tube full of purple liquid that had been supposedly tampered with]
Marzipan: ... is all I got back.

Strong Bad: [writing a letter for Decemberween] Dear Tube Socks, it's me again. I hope you had a good year. Free of athletes' feet and toe jams. Lemme cut to the chase. On Decemberween morning, when I open you guys up, you're going to hear... things. Hurtful things. Unforgivable things. Things like, "Uhh!" and "Oh, man!" and "This present of tube socks totally sucks and I hate it!" Don't you believe a word of it, Tube Socks. I love you guys. I don't know what I'd do without my yearly pair. But a guy's gotta keep up appearances, right? If peoples found out I have a soft spot for tube socks, it'd be all over. It took me years to live down that Martina Navratilova poster, and I will not go down that road again. We can be secret friends. Like that hunchback kid at school. In closing, please disregard any and all negative comments or negative burning you may hear or experience on Decemberween. Stealthily Yours, Strong Bad.

[the gang continues to find Halloween Night, especially after the newspaper headlines its disappearance, which Strong Bad reads]
Strong Bad: [to Strong Mad and The Cheat] This is bull-talk! How're we supposed to scandalize and vandalize without the protective cover of Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Halloween Night?
The Cheat: [questioning The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I'm gonna go interrogate the toilet for about eight minutes; see if he knows anything. After that, we'll form into a giant, robotic Halloween Night-finding space panther!
[pause]
Strong Bad: Or not.

Strong Bad: [leaving a message on Marzipan's answering machine] Hello, Marzipan, this is Lorenz... Magazine... Man, calling to tell you that your subscription to Soy... Bread... Tofu... Hybrid... Cars... Magazine is about to erupt! You need to evacuate! It's gonna blow sky high! Get out while you can! So what you gotta do is - and believe me, I'm Lorenz Magazine Man who are - who you're gonna trust - is bake all your money into a no-bake apple pie, and set it cooling on your windowsill. So that way, once the eruption is great, you can come home and eat pie and money! Because it's still going to be there, on your windowsill! Am I wr... am I wrong? Somebody, am I wrong? Everybody in here at the office with their headsets on said, "You're not wrong." So this is Lorenz... Magazine Man saying... the magma is seeping under the door.

Strong Bad: [leaving a message on Marzipan's answering machine, sounding jerky, as though imitating a phone robot] Hello, Marzipan. This is Nadine Automated Menu Burger, calling from Trusted Financial Institution. To check on the status of an existing gigantic butt, please press or say "Gigantobutt" now. Or to place a new six-foot Italian sub in Strong Bad's hands, please hang up and do that mess right now. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. I think you said, "Gigantobutt." If this is correct, please press or say, "Yes." I'm sorry, I think you said "Yes." If this is correct, please press or say "Total yes." I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Let's start again. To check on the status of an existing butt that's so big it has its own Congressman, please press or say...
[he gets cut off by the answering machine's beep]

[Strong Bad comments on a picture of someone dressed up as Strong Sad]
Strong Bad: [voiceover] Oh, Strong Sad's lost a bunch of weight! And a bunch of thumbs!
[the background of the picture changes to a weather map]
Strong Bad: And he's become a weatherman!
Strong Sad: [voiceover] Today's forecast is partly gray with a forty percent chance of dark gray. Back to you, Strong Bad.
Strong Bad: [voiceover] Yes, thank you. Tonight.

[a gingerbread Decemberween ornament of Homestar has a conversation with a homemade sequined ornament of Strong Bad]
Homestar Runner: Hey, Strong Bad, I really like your rhinestone cowboy costume.
Strong Bad: Uh, you got the wrong 'ween, Homestar. This is Decemberween. Not the Hallow- one.
Homestar Runner: Oh. Right, right. Trick-or-treat!

[Strong Bad comments on a picture of someone dressed up as a smiling Strong Bad, sitting at an office cubicle]
Strong Bad: [voiceover] What's this guy smilin' about?
[He talks in a mocking voice]
Strong Bad: Oh, yeah. I just got promoted to the three-foot-wide cubicle. Now I can fit four to three post-its on my wall. Hey, Doogan, you stayin' after tonight for the LAN party?

[the Cheat and Marzipan are on a date together at a restaurant. Strong Bad walks up, dressed as an Italian chef and wearing a fake mustache]
Strong Bad: [poor Italian accent] Oh-a, it's-a me-a, the chef-a! A-which-a one o' you guys ordered the smack in the face-a?
Marzipan: [annoyed] I thought this was a *French* restaurant.
Strong Bad: [normal voice] Oh. Ummm, uh... s-snails?
Marzipan: C'mon, T.C., let's blow this marshmallow stand.
[Marzipan and The Cheat get up to leave the restaurant while Strong Bad watches them go]
Strong Bad: Yeah, you know, I didn't really research this role...
[his mustache falls off]

Strong Bad: [to Strong Sad, who is dressed as Tony Clifton] That's a good costume, Strong Sad. What is that, you at your 20-year high school reunion?

[Strong Bad is commentating on pictures of people dressed as Homestar characters and he sees one of a fluffy white puppy dressed as Homestar]
Strong Bad: [voiceover] Oh! More animal cruelty. Take that lampshade off Mr. Poofers! Though I bet it does keep him from licking his own where-the-sun-don't-shine.
Homestar Runner: [voiceover] Not necessarily...

[Strong Bad is commentating on people dressed as Homestar characters and he sees someone dressed as Homestar, with his face barely visible in the mouth of his Homsestar mask, and someone dressed as Mario in the background]
Strong Bad: [voiceover] Guess a little chicken wire and papier-mâché goes not a very long, long way. Wait a minute. Homestar, who's that in your mouth? Did you eat Luigi?
Homestar Runner: [voiceover] Yes, Strong Bad, I ate Luigi. He tasted like mushrooms.

[Strong Sad continues to try and solve the mystery of some DNA evidence and interviews various people about it]
Bubs: Well, it all started a few weeks ago. I just got finished teaching my toga-yoga class when old maid Marzipan shows up.
[Bubs is seen inside his concession stand when Marzipan walks up]
Marzipan: [holding up the test tube of DNA] Hey, Bubs, can you analyze this for me?
Bubs: Sure thing! But it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!
Marzipan: Not a problem.
[Cut back to Strong Sad interviewing Bubs]
Strong Sad: So, what did you find out when you analyzed it?
Bubs: Oh, that. Well, next thing I know, Strong Bad shows up.
[Cut to Strong Bad coming up to the stand]
Strong Bad: Hey, Bubs. One green apple snow-cone, please.
Bubs: Comin' right up!
[Bubs looks for the liquid dispensers, but finds the green apple liquid empty. Hesitating, he pours the DNA onto a snow-cone instead]
Bubs: [handing the snow-cone full of DNA to Strong Bad] Here ya go. One... cough, cough... green apple snow-cone.
[Cut back to Strong Sad interviewing Bubs]
Strong Sad: You served the DNA in a snow-cone?
Bubs: And it sold like hotcakes!

Strong Sad: [to The Cheat, who is dressed as Gizmo] Uh, The Cheat, technically, shouldn't all this sunlight be turning you into some sort of horrible beastie?
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises in imitation of Gizmo's line, "Bright lights! Bright lights!" while covering his face]

So and So: [arriving at Momkins' door to babysit Tompkins and Timkins] Hello Mrs. Tompkinsrobotmomerson. I know I'm three hours early, but I wanted to...
Momkins: Listen, I'll be at a place until a time. My cell phone number is some numbers. The baby needs stuff. What's poison control? Punch Tompkins in the gut. Good luck.
[she then hurries out the door]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] She gone!

[the Homestar characters are depicted as ornaments on a Decemberween tree]
Homestar Runner: [as a gingerbread ornament] Oh, man, I feel delicious! Does anybody here know if it's either illegal or unethical to want to eat yourself?
The King of Town: [as a stocking ornament] I sure hope not.
Strong Bad: [as a homemade sequined ornament] Ew! Shut up, king, or I'll stuff you full of coal!
The King of Town: That wouldn't be so bad! A little onion salt, some hot sauce... Wouldn't be the first time.

[Strong Bad runs into a plastic grinning whale with a speaker in its teeth, like a drive-thru speaker]
Strong Bad: Where'd you come from?
Drive-Thru Whale: Would you like to try a combo meal?
Strong Bad: [uncertain] Uh, sure, but no cheese and, um, extra sauce?
The Cheat: [Questioning The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: I don't know.
[he shows off the vastness of the field with no sign of a restaurant anywhere, except the speaker]
Strong Bad: I think I just ordered a combo meal from this invisible restaurant.

Announcer: [on Strong Sad's radio] And join us next Saturday at some civic hall auditorium for Public Rage-o. All your favorite public radio superstars will be in action. Watch as Ira Glass and Ira Flatow duke it out in a no-holds-barred lumberjack match. And special guest Garrison Keillor wrestles his own soothing voice in a steel cage.
Strong Sad: Oh, geez, I gotta pledge more next year. They're really getting desperate.

[Strong Sad continues to try and solve the mystery of some DNA evidence and interviews various people about it]
Strong Bad: Yeah, I bought the DNA snowcone.
Strong Sad: You knew it had the DNA evidence in it?
Strong Bad: Well, yeah. I overheard that Marzipan had some DNA evidence, and I figured I could use it to continue my genetic experiments on The Cheat. So I sprung into action.
[Strong Bad is seen inside Bubs' Concession Stand and punctures a green apple flavor container, causing it spill out. Then he walks up to the stand like everyone else]
Strong Bad: Bubskeep, one green app' snowc', on the rocks. And keep it rusty.
[return to the interrogation]
Strong Bad: By the time I got home, it was all melted, so I put it in a glass on my desk and went downstairs to do one of my high-impact toga-yoga videos. And that was the last I saw of it.
Strong Sad: [thoughtfully] You left it on your desk, eh?

What's Her Face: [referring to a can of cola] This is diet brown, not PCP.
The Ugly One: Did somebody say Peacey P? I LOVES the Peacey P!
Peacey P: [standing next to a bodyguard] Crample-o stow wha clamminuh whaow. My new album drop next sursdai. Ya'll biscuitheads.
The Ugly One: [holding a writing utensil and autograph] Can a sista get an autograph?
[Peacey P's bodyguard suddenly grabs The Ugly One and hangs her off a hotel balcony]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] DANGLED OFF A HOTEL BALCONY'D!
The Ugly One: That's it?
Strong Bad: Oh.
[the bodyguard lets go and The Ugly One falls into a pit of bayonets]
Strong Bad: And then DROPPED FROM SAID HOTEL BALCONY'D!
The Ugly One: That's better!

[Strong Bad and his posse are trying to find Halloween Night in some spooky woods, which now have flowers]
Strong Bad: Aw, man, I thought sure we'd find Halloween Night in the spooky woods! This place has really gone uphill since it disappeared.
[sees a skull on the ground]
Strong Bad: Even that rotten old skull doesn't seem so creepy.
Skull: [a rainbow afro appears on it] A-jam on it!

Cheerleader: [to The Ugly One as they go to a summer camp for nerds] Alright, uggs, pretty up! You my wingman! Now let's go get us some boys camp!
[they go into the camp]
D 'n' D Greg: [dressed as a medieval swordsman] Welcome, fair maidens, to our fair village.
Sci-Fi Greg: [dressed in a Star Trek uniform] I think you mean... welcome, earthlings, to our fair star system.
D 'n' D Greg: Village!
Sci-Fi Greg: Star system!
D 'n' D Greg: BEHOLDERS!
Sci-Fi Greg: SENTIENT NEBULAE!
Cheerleader: Ai-ai-ai-ai-ya! I thought this was Coach Conrad's Sit-Up Camp For Shirtless Boys!
Sci-Fi Greg: [seductively, pulling up his shirt] Oh, I can take my shirt off...
[suddenly, a blinding ray somehow emanates from his bare chest and hits Cheerleader]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] BLINDING VOIP!
Cheerleader: Ahh! My tan lines!


Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 2: Strong Badia the Free (2008) (VG)
[Strong Bad arrives at Pompomerania]
Strong Bad: [narrating] Pompomerania: exotic land of enchantment, mystery and ladies' drink specials on Tuesday nights! I quickly made my way to a trendy pwahty cloughb in the nation's capital...
[he looks at the camera and repeats the line, "A trendy pwahty cloughb"]
Strong Bad: ... for a summit with their pop-o-matic prime minister.
[He walks up to Bubs, tending the bar]
Bubs: Hey, Strong Bad!
Strong Bad: [shocked] Bubs? You're the leader of Pompomerania?
Bubs: Heck, no! I'm just tending bar and doing some occasional translational work. And I'm definitely not embezzling thousands in cash from the club!
Strong Bad: How sweet of you.

[Strong Bad arrives at a stone bridge]
Strong Bad: [narrating] Next on the itinerary of doom: the savage, war-like people of Country!
[He sees the flag of Country, which is simply the word "Country" written on a plain white fabric]
Strong Bad: "Country"? Aww, man, sounds like Strong Mad's gettin' held back another year. And his finger-painting had improved so much.

[Strong Bad has burned the flag, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights of Strong Sad's Bleak House with a cigarette lighter]
Strong Bad: Let the occupation begin!
Strong Sad: Well, you can burn whatever you want, but you'll never put out the fire in my people's hearts!
Strong Bad: Ah, a resistance movement. How quaint. I trust you've heard of my Secret The Cheat?
[the Cheat enters, brandishing a pair of nail clippers and a second cigarette lighter]
Strong Sad: All right, I give up! I'll be usurped by Strong Badia.
Strong Bad: Today, Blecch House; tomorrow, the wor...
Strong Sad: Can I at least be your cultural adviser?
Strong Bad: As long as that doesn't mean you follow me around everywhere and waste my time trying to talk to me.
Strong Sad: Actually, that's exactly what it means.

[Homestar spins the Draft Wheel to select Coach Z as a recruit, but it fails]
Homestar Runner: Well, the draft didn't work, Strong Bad. Only one thing left to do: clone an army of mutant super-soldiers.
Strong Bad: No, Homestar, we...
[he is quickly taken by surprise]
Strong Bad: Wait. That was an option? How come you come up with the unbelievably cool ideas only AFTER I'm committed to this one?

[Strong Bad has put all of the Homsartifacts into a pylon at the Homsar Reservation in order to speak to Homsar]
Strong Bad: [to Homsar about the pylon] How does that Popsicle stand work anyway?
Homsar: [deep voice] You have reassembled the sacred elemental items of collection. Ordinarily, you would have to face a punishingly difficult final dungeon and disappointing end cutscene. But the ancient prophecy foretold of a young boy that would one day come to usher in a new era of...
Strong Bad: [annoyed] All right, shut up, filibuster. Never would've asked if I'd known you were such a windbag.

[Strong Bad has successfully taken over the King of Town's castle]
Strong Bad: [annoyed] Oh, how could I have known being King of Town would suck so many eggs? Wait, how *couldn't* I have known?
Strong Sad: There, there, my liege. That emptiness you feel inside? I want you to take that, and cram it full of chimichangas!

[Strong Bad, having been freed from his house arrest, gathers the other Homestar characters in Strong Badia]
Strong Bad: Friends and losers, my long incarceration has taught me that we can never be truly free until we reject the fat-thority of The King of Town. Hencetoforthwith, I shall only refer to him as the Of Town. As of today, Strong Badia is its own independent nation!
[everyone gasps]
Strong Bad: The Cheat, if you will...
[the Cheat turns on a boom box and organ music plays as Strong Bad stands in front of a giant version of the Strong Badia flag]
Strong Bad: We should all live in a place where we can be free! Free to pick our friends, free to pick our noses, and, most importantly, free to pick our friends' noses!
[the Strong Badia national anthem plays]
Strong Bad: That's why I, Strong Bad of the mighty tighty-whities, declare war on the Of Town! Who's with me?
[there is no answer, save for a howling wind; everyone has deserted him, save for The Cheat]
Strong Bad: ...Where'd everybody go?
The Cheat: [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: *Seceded*? They can't do that! *I'm* the only one who gets his own country!

[first lines]
Strong Bad: [singing as he checks an email on his Lappy 486] I don't know, but I've been told, e-mail's best when it don't scroll!
E-mail: Hey Strong Bad! What's the dumbest law the King of Town has ever passed? Don't you think you'd be a better ruler than the King of Town? Your pal, Roy T. Castle Hill.
Strong Bad: [typing response] Well, Roytee, it goes without saying that I'd be a better ruler than the King of Town. But seriously, who wants that job? Stuck in a castle all day, stuck making dumb laws, probably stuck in the bathtub... no thanks, man. And the King of Town's mostly harmless.
[He shows off a drawing of the King of Town]
Strong Bad: Sure he's stupid looking, as this scientific diagram illustrates, but he stays out of my business, and that lazy faire approach to government is a welcome alternative.
[he looks directly into the camera]
Strong Bad: Ooh, I think I'd like to go the lazy fair.

Strong Bad: The King of Town put me under house arrest!
Strong Sad: *House* arrest? That's not fair!
Strong Bad: Seriously! I mean... Wait, why are *you* upset?
Strong Sad: I was hoping you'd get sent back to prison and I'd get some peace! I've got an unassembled model of the Kon-Tiki that's just waiting for your next incarceration!

Strong Bad: What's the best way to destroy an invisible fence?
Strong Sad: Well, if you can short out the transformer, then do that. Otherwise, burn... Hey, wait a second. Is this something illegal?
Strong Bad: No! It's... a... radio call-in show question. Hurry up so I can be the fourth caller.
Strong Sad: I don't want to get charged with aiding and abetting a criminal again!

Strong Bad: Onward to Strong Badia! Strong Badia, *the Free*!
Homestar Runner: Hey, that's the name of this...
Strong Bad: Shut up!

[Strong Bad gives Bubs Strong Sad's pretendix in a jar]
Bubs: Is that what I think it is?
Strong Bad: Depends on what you think it is.
Bubs: A jar of grandma's homemade gribbledangs?
Strong Bad: Uh, no. It's Strong Sad's pretendix.
Bubs: A real-live pretendix! Even better! I'll trade you for it, no questions asked.
Strong Bad: What'll you give me for it?
Bubs: For one that big, anything I got in stock. Which is just this broken piece of an old pot.
[gives Strong Bad the pottery shard]
Strong Bad: Did I just get ripped off?
Bubs: [suddenly angry] I said no questions asked!

Strong Bad: [to Homsar] Greetings, floatyman! My name is called Strong Bad.
[He then speaks in a halting, condescending voice]
Strong Bad: I need to get through your land so I can clean the Of Town's clock. Do you understand?
Homsar: AaAaAaAaA, I'm a knock-knock joke about jogging suits.
Strong Bad: I'm no linguini-ist, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a "yes".

[Strong Bad and Strong Sad are at the Homsar Reservation]
Strong Bad: Can you understand what the natives are saying?
Strong Sad: Of course not! Nobody's ever been able to decipher the Homsar language! Archeologists believe a combination of ancient artifacts may be the key, but no one's ever found them. Didn't you learn ANYTHING in your post-Strong Badian-secession history classes? That I held in my room in a little tent I made out of my sheets?
Strong Bad: I don't study history, friend. I *makes* it.

The King of Town: [entering Strong Bad's computer room] Aha! Caught you red gloved-ed!
Strong Bad: The King of Town? How'd you get in here?
The King of Town: In flagrant disregard of my new e-mail tax, eh? One Creamy Ding snack cake for every e-mail sent or received!
Strong Bad: Email tax? Flagrant? Creamy Ding?
The King of Town: Oh, so you refuse to pay? Poopsmith, administer the collar of obedience!
[the Poopsmith enters, clubs Strong Bad senseless and puts on his neck a metal collar with a flashing red light on it]
Strong Bad: What're you doing? Hey, cut that out! Ow! My freedom!
The King of Town: You are under house arrest. You have the right to bribe me. Anything you offer will be eaten by me whether cooked or raw.
[he shows off a pulsating electronic security gate at Strong Bad's front door, bearing matching lights to Strong Bad's collar]
The King of Town: Try walking past that fence downstairs, and *blammo*! Hope you weren't attached to that head. And one more thing...
[the king takes and eats Strong Bad's map from "Homestar Ruiner"]
Strong Bad: My map! I need that!
The King of Town: This'll make sure you stay put until you can pay up! Now let's ride, Poopsmith! Gotta go collect on my new pour-a-bag-of-jellybeans-down-my-gullet tax!
[they leave]
Strong Bad: House arrest? Aw, man, this is the worst thing to happen to my style in a long line of bad things happening to my style. I gotta find a way outta here, and give that uncharacteristically oppressive King of Town a serious mustache pounding.

Strong Bad: You're a shady, shady character, Bubs.
Bubs: It's cool in the shade.

Strong Bad: [as he tries to get the Homestarmy back together] I thought we were bros!
Homestar Runner: Wait, I thought I thought we were bros, and you're always beating various stuffings out of me.

[in the King of Town's castle, Strong Bad checks an email on the king's Snacky 186]
E-mail: Hey Strong Bad! What's the dumbest law the King of Town has ever passed? Don't you think you'd be a better ruler than the King of Town? Your pal, Roy T. Castle Hill.
[Strong Bad skim-reads the email, before exclaiming the email sender's name in disbelief]
Strong Sad: So it was all an elaborate ruse to trick you into taking over his empire!
Strong Bad: An elaborate ruse? Would you call that chicanery?
Strong Sad: I actually might, yes.
Strong Bad: [bitterly] Oh, that's it. I draw the line at chicanery. The Of Town, you're goin' of down!
Strong Sad: You can't mean...?
Strong Bad: I'm getting the King of Town out of my house and back on this Energy Star-compliant throne!

Marzipan: Didn't you see the warning message about the new e-mail tax?
Strong Bad: [mimicking Marzipan] No, I didn't see the warning message about the new e-mail tax.
[normal voice]
Strong Bad: All messages from the King of Town get intercepted with extreme prejudice by my idiot filter.
Homestar Runner: But I sent you all kinds of reminder e-mails!
Strong Bad: Idiot filter.
Homestar Runner: But I sent you all kinds of reminder e-mails!
Strong Bad: Idiot... Never mind.

Strong Bad: The O.T.'s computer looks like it was designed for a mix between three-year-olds and train car hobos.

Strong Bad: [examining the King of Town's Snacky 186 templates section] What? The king doesn't even type out his own emails? Talk about lay-zay. How am I supposed to pick items from a drop-down list with boxing gloves on? Typing, I can handle. Don't ask me how.

Strong Bad: Aren't you tired of that The Of Town cramping your style?
Homestar Runner: Oh, you got THAT right! I don't like the way his castle sits up there, undressing me with its eyes.
Strong Bad: What're you gonna do when they INVADE?
Homestar Runner: [alarmed] Invade Homezipan? Call the militia! This is not a drill, people!
Strong Bad: Do you even HAVE a militia?
Homestar Runner: Holy crap, we're defenseless! That settles it: I'm getting the band back together! I'm bringing back the Homestarmy!
Marzipan: What was that?
Homestar Runner: Uh... I said I'm bringing back the Peaceful Homezipan Gentle Flower-Planting Brigade, dear.


Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 4: Dangeresque 3 - The Criminal Projective (2008) (VG)
[Strong Bad as Dangeresque and Coach Z as Renaldo arrive in Brainblow City]
Strong Bad: Brainblow City: a town as hard as steel and twice as gray. She is like a fine lady type: treat her right and she'll make you cupcakes shaped like cold ones, but treat her wrong and she'll kick you in the knees, step on your face with a stiletto heel, take your wallet and totally ruin your credit score.
Coach Z: Yeah... your woman scares me.

[repeated line]
Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque] Looks like I'm gonna have to jump!

[Strong Bad as Dangeresque meets Bubs as Baron Darin Diamonicle, who is being held prisoner in Brainblow City Prison]
Bubs: Danger-skew!
Strong Bad: Listen, Diamonicle, I know you have a grudge against me for locking you up in this joint, but I need to break into some scumbag kidnapper's hideout, and you are gonna help me!
Bubs: Relax. Turns out prison's the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting shivved repeatedly in the yard really puts things into perspective. I'm a new man!
Strong Bad: Are you sure? I was kind of looking forward to locking you in a cell and beating the answers out of you. I mean a crooked cop's gotta stay bent, right?
Bubs: [displaying a can of Bull Honkey Sport] If you want, you can crack me over the head with this bottle of Bull Honkey Sport. Only $3.99 a bottle. It's like sweatin' on the inside!
Strong Bad: [annoyed] Hey, I told you, no product placement!

Strong Bad: [to Coach Z] Now that you're retiring, old man, you won't have to make up excuses for being so grossly out of shape.
Coach Z: Yeah, now I can accentuate this little bundle of blubber on the beach by lathering it up with sun block and cocoa butter.
Strong Bad: That's an image I didn't need stuck in my brain.

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque, leveling his nunchuck gun at Homestar as Dangeresque Too] FREEZE!
Homestar Runner: Oh, yeah? You wanna get crazy? Oh, I'll get crazy!
Strong Bad: [putting his gun away] Nope, that's way too crazy for me.

[In the jungles of Strong Borneo, Strong Bad as Dangeresque and Coach Z as Renaldo find a hole in a wall and look inside]
Strong Bad: Hmmm, I think I see something.
[Strong Bad goes for the hole, but can't fit his hand inside]
Strong Bad: I can't quite reach it.
Coach Z: Let me try! My arms are longer and stickier!
[he reaches his hand inside]
Strong Bad: No, wait, it's a trap!
[a bear holding a shark pops out from behind the wall, growling at them]
Strong Bad: Look out, Renaldo! It's a Western Lowland Grizzlysharkasaurusbot! And it's holding a shark!
Coach Z: [unable to pull his hand out of the hole] Help! I'm trapped!

[first lines]
Strong Bad: [waking up from sleeping with his head on the computer desk] Wha-hwoa? Oh, yeah, right. Reply to all...
[he types the following on the Lappy's screen:]
Strong Bad: Dear all the annoying morons that have been bugging me about it for four and a half years... Yes, I finally finished Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective, so you can all EAT IT! The critics are stark raving, "A dastardly masterly masterwork of cinemagic wonder."... "More special effects than a Jessica Tandy joint!"... "They may give you the whole tub of popcorn, but you'll only need the edge!" Tickets are selling for like $100 a piece! Everybody who's anybody that gives me a hundred bucks is going to be there!
[he stops typing]
Strong Bad: Oh, crap! I'm late for the premiere!
[he leaves the computer room, taking a videotape with him and goes into the basement]

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque, to Marzipan as Cutesy Buttons] Who cares about your stupid rainforest? The only thing the rainforest ever did for me was give me wet splinters.
Marzipan: The rainforest provides us with oxygen so you and I can breathe. It's like our planet's lungs.
Strong Bad: Well, those lungs had better start smoking if they want to be as cool as Dangeresque.

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque, talking on the phone] Yeah, well, I don't care what the FBI, CIA, RGB and XFL say! I already returned the priceless paintings that were evidence!

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque, referring to a can of diet cola] Diet brown. All the fizzy with none of the flabby!

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque, to Marzipan as Sultry Buttons] I knew you couldn't stay away.
Marzipan: [taking the Stickanee Flower] A Stickanee flower? In Paris? You do care!
Strong Bad: You know it, baby. Dangeresque NEVER forgets his special lady, baby.
Marzipan: Do you mean it? I WON'T have my heart broken again.
Strong Bad: Of course! Why, I'd shower you with gems, if I had any.
Marzipan: Ooh, I have some!
[she holds up a diamond and a ruby]
Marzipan: Take mine!
Strong Bad: Oh, no, I couldn't... Well, okay.
[He takes them]

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque] Cutesy Buttons better be ready to fork over several sacks of cash for rescuing her and getting her rainforest formula!
Coach Z: [as Renaldo; infatuated] I'd just be happy to get a hug from Marzipan.
Strong Bad: [upset] What?
Coach Z: [distressed] What? I said nothing!

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque] Ah, the old Brainblow City Prison. I can't tell you how many times I've broken in and out of this place. Seriously, I can't tell you. I'm under a gag order from the courts.

[Bubs as Baron Darin Diamonicle has asked Strong Bad as Dangeresque why he should help him with solve a kidnapping and break into a hideout]
Strong Bad: [threateningly] Because if you don't, I'll have you transferred to Tri-Lambda Penitentiary!
Bubs: With all the white-collar criminals, hackers and illegal downloaders of anime?
Strong Bad: That's right. NERD PRISON!
Bubs: You can't do that to me, man! What'll become of my street cred?
Strong Bad: Then fess up, or get ready to heavily protect your pocket!
Bubs: Okay, you win, Dangeresque. The truth is, I never did any of that stuff!
Strong Bad: [shocked] What?
Bubs: I always hired guys to do that stuff for me! If you want to break into a kidnapper's hideout and rescue the hostage, you're gonna need the two best minds in the business. But you're not gonna like it!
Strong Bad: [annoyed] Why do people keep telling me that?
Bubs: Both are people from your past. One is an expert kidnapping solver, and the other is the man with the plan!

Coach Z: Strong Bad, you kidding? You can't put Senor Cardgage in your movie! That guy is creepy with a capital "cree"! And I don't think he's too clear on the whole fantasy-reality thing neither.
Strong Bad: You're crazy, man! Senor Cardgage is awesome! He's perfect for the role of Dadgeresque!
Coach Z: Has he even read the script?
Strong Bad: Script? That guy doesn't need a script, he's a natural!

[Strong Bad as Dangeresque and Coach Z as Renaldo are floating down the rivers of Strong Borneo]
Strong Bad: So here we are, braving the rapids of this turbulent river deep in the heart of the jungle. Gangs of angry street piranhas circle beneath us! Cannibals and volcanoes close in from all sides! And behind us, just out of view, is the 300-foot jaggedy waterfall from which we just safely dropped.
Coach Z: Boy, am I glad you beat up that weightlifter ex-Navy-SEAL we had for a guide and decided to captain this boat yourself! Your quick thinking and superior skills are the only reason we survived.
Strong Bad: True, but we aren't out of the boat yet.
[they get out of the boat]
Strong Bad: Now we're out of the boat.

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque, to The Cheat as Craig] Hey, Craig! Why don't you step outside for a little... AIR... lock.
[Strong Bad kicks The Cheat into a dryer meant to simulate a space station airlock]
The Cheat: [yelling The Cheat noises]
[Cut to The Cheat standing in a space background suggesting him floating in space]
The Cheat: [screaming The Cheat noises]
Homestar Runner: [as Dangeresque Too] Thanks. I owe ya one, buddy.
Strong Bad: One? You owe me, like, fifty!

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque, to Coach Z as Renaldo] So, Renaldo, a little baron tells me you know something about an expert kidnapping solver.
Coach Z: Uh-oh. Now, I don't think that's something we should be talking about.
Strong Bad: I thought we were partners! What are you hiding from me?
Coach Z: He's no good for this case, Dangeresque! Forget about him!
Strong Bad: Who? Who are you talking about?
Coach Z: YOUR FATHER!
Strong Bad: Dadgeresque? My father is the kidnapping solver?
Coach Z: Yes, that's why he left you. Because he went mad! He's no help to us.

[Homestar as Uzi Bazooka has killed Senor Cardgage as Dadgeresque, leaving Strong Bad as Dangeresque anguished]
Strong Bad: No, Dad! Don't you... sniff... die on me!
Coach Z: [as Renaldo] Oh, he don't look too good.
Strong Bad: [anguished] Don't do this, Dad! You have to hang on! Did you ever know that you're my hero? We've only just begun! You're the wind beneath my wings! Umm... She Bop!
Coach Z: [subdued] He's gone, Dangeresque.
Strong Bad: WHY! He was my father! It's not fair! Oh, cruel world!
[distraught]
Strong Bad: How could you take my only father from me? Why now? *Why*?

[Strong Bad as Dangeresque levels his gun at Homestar as Uzi Bazooka]
Strong Bad: You killed my father! Prepare to have a bullet from my nunchuk gun pierce your flesh, causing internal injuries and bleeding, which, if left unchecked, could cause you to die!
Coach Z: That's far enough!
Strong Bad: Hand over the girl and the disks, scumball... bag!
Homestar Runner: Forget it, Dingle-esque! Besides, these aren't even *my* stolen disks of important launch codes. I'm just holding them for Perducci!

Strong Bad: [as Dangeresque, placing a potted plant in a "shark pond"] Okay, stupid plant, can you swim? 'Cause you're about to get WATERED!


Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 5: 8-Bit Is Enough (2008) (VG)
Strong Bad: First the burnination of Strong Badia... now I've got HomeSpam! Trogdor, you messed with the wrong player character this time! I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I have no other choice... I must... kill... *Trogdor*! Uhh... Anybody know how to kill a dragon?

Strong Bad: [to Stinkoman] Cool, cool robot boots!
Stinkoman: I know, I know, I know! They make me jump at real high! Plus, all the girls think I'm a boy! But I think they all need to grow up! And I can kick!
Strong Bad: [annoyed] Okay! Man, shut up!
Stinkoman: *You* shut up! You're dumb! And your head is wide like the river! You have the river head!
[He laughs as he stomps his robot-boot-clad feet]

Strong Bad: [seeing Homestar in a pop-up window] Homestar? Where are you?
Homestar Runner: I'm in your interface. Pretty cool, huh?
Strong Bad: [irritated] Well, get out! I've got enough to worry about without you gettin' all up in my HUD like some kinda pop-up spam!
Homestar Runner: Yeah, that's a problem. I think I'm stuck in this video game unless you can find a way to get me out. By the way, did you know that Total Load can enlarge your vectroid region by 27 percent? Click here to find out how!

[Strong Bad discovers that Trogdor has burninated Strong Badia]
Strong Bad: [in disbelief] *Trogdor*? NOOOOO! Bad Trogdor! Heel!
[Trogdor breathes fire toward Strong Bad, but misses, then runs off]
Strong Bad: [anguished] My poor kingdom! You were never supposed to burninate *my* countryside! I thought we were BFFs!
[to the camera]
Strong Bad: That's Burninating Friends Forever.

Strong Bad: [to Strong Sad] Hey, what happened to Trogdor? I expected him to be pummeling and/or burninating you by now.
Strong Sad: I told him my plant Charlemagne was a defenseless peasant baby and threw it out the window! When he went after it, I locked the door behind him! That thing is out of control! You've got to get a new logic board and stop him!
Strong Bad: Stop him? No, no, it's pronounced "Cheer him on"!

Strong Bad: [about the logic board to stop Trogdor] What's this "logic board" you're babbling about?
Strong Sad: When you broke the machine...
Strong Bad: We never established who broke what!
Strong Sad: ...you must've damaged the 8-Bit Containment field. You'll have to call Videlectrix for a replacement. It's the only way for Trogdor to get safely back into the game!
Strong Bad: Why would I want to get him BACK in the game? Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to have my own dragon?
Strong Sad: If Trogdor gets free, the videogame world and the real world will merge! Imagine hearing the repetitive, monophonic music of 8-bit games wherever you are, every second, for the rest of your life!
Strong Bad: Yeah, I know! That sounds awesome!
[Strong Sad then mimics 8-bit video game music and annoys Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: All right, I'll fix the machine.

[a roar comes from inside the "Trogdor!" arcade cabinet]
Strong Sad: It sounds like the fan's broken. You'll have to get it serviced.
Strong Bad: Serviced? Where am I supposed to get fan service around here?
[the cabinet grows wings, legs, and a beefy arm then chases Strong Sad]
Strong Bad: That may be... the coolest thing... that has ever happened.

Strong Bad: The Cheat, you know you gotta ask permission before you can play with or be around the Fun Machine. Especially when it's to put crap like *this* in there. Gel-Arshie's Pro Fruitboarder? That's the promo shovelware I got for sending in the proofs of purchase from all that Jela-Ton I won in the Race to the End of the Race! Those things are *never* any good! Say it with me, The Cheat...
Strong Bad, The Cheat: [in unison] Licensed video games are never good.

[Marzipan, who has an exaggerated expression of rage, kidnapped Bubs and took him atop his own concession stand]
Strong Bad: [observing the ordeal] What was THAT all about?
Bubs: All kinds of weird goings on, Strong Bad! There was that big flickerin' and flashin' in the sky, and then Marzipan went plumb loco balonco!
[Marzipan throws several crates]
Bubs: See what I mean?
[Homestar appears in the pop-up window]
Homestar Runner: Oh, is Marzipan having one of her "episodes" again? You just gotta pretend you're listening to her. Let me handle this.
[he teleports over to the enraged Marzipan and speaks in a half-hearted voice]
Homestar Runner: Yes, Marzipan. You're right of course. Good point.
[Marzipan throws crates at Homestar but misses]
Homestar Runner: Missed me! You call that a throw? Give 'er the old one-two!
[Marzipan throws yet another crate, which lands on a bush on the ground]
Strong Bad: Hey, that was my favorite bush! I wonder what's behind there...

Strong Bad: [arriving in Peasantry] Check this place out! I'm in a video game! Oh, man, does that mean I can bash stuff with my head to find coins?
[he bashes his head on a nearby tree, only to hurt himself]
Strong Bad: Ow! Guess not.

[Strong Bad's house is haunted by pixelated ghosts]
The Cheat: [terrified The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad: The Cheat, did you unleash vengeful spirits into the house again?

Strong Bad: Hey, it's Rather Dashing, star of "Peasant's Quest"! Looking blocky and pixely as ever, Rath. Say, I always wanted to ask: what's up with the short pants?
Rather Dashing: These things are incredibly comfortable! I'd like to see you "get rock" or "throw baby" while wearing long pants.
Strong Bad: Fair enough.

[Strong Sad is in Peasantry, wearing a princess hat, guarding the entrance to Trogdor's lair; Strong Bad tries to walk past him]
Strong Sad: Hark, who goes there? Leave this place now, lest I, the evil wizard, Sluushfuund, be forced to cast an evil spell on you.
Strong Bad: [amused] Uh-huh, I think they mixed up your order at the costume palace, Prom Queen! They must've made a mistake.
Strong Sad: It's fate! I was sitting in my room alone...
Strong Bad: As always...
Strong Sad: ...when a blinding flash of light knocked me off my feet! I woke up here in the land of Peasantry, obviously dressed as a powerful, evil wizard!

Strong Bad: Why do they call you "Stinkoman"? Seems a little harsh.
Stinkoman: Why do they call *you* Dumb Face?
Strong Bad: [unamused] Um, they don't.
Stinkoman: Is it because your face is dumb and at the same time you have a dumb face?
Strong Bad: [irritated] No one calls me that.
Stinkoman: Maybe they should call you Dumb Butt Face, because your face and your butt are both dumb!
[He laughs as he stomps his robot-boot-clad feet]
Stinkoman: Robots, ah ha!
Strong Bad: Stinkoman it is.

[Strong Bad releases a captured Limozeen bus near Bubs' Concession Stand, where a game-affected Marzipan holds Bubs captive]
Strong Bad: Fly, my hair metal rockers! Be free!
[the bus hovers above the stand]
Larry Palaroncini: [inside the bus; seeing Marzipan] Moderately hot babe-lien off the port bow!
[the bus captures Marzipan with a tractor beam]
Larry Palaroncini: Oh crap! It's that crazy chick from the Battle of the Bands! Ow! Stop throwin' those crates, pretty mama! Ow!
[the bus flies off]
Bubs: [relieved] Thought she'd NEVER leave!

Strong Bad: [giving Strong Mad the trophy] Alrighty, Comrade Shotski. On behalf of the Videlectrix Gaming Association, I present to you this trophy for Superior Halfathery in the Videlectrix Halfathlon.
[Homestar appears in the pop-up window and hums a fanfare]
Strong Mad: [ecstatic] PUT SHOT SHOT PUT TROPHY! SOLZHENITSYN! GLASNOST!
Strong Bad: [impatiently] Yeah, yeah, ich bin ein donut. Are you joining my party or what?
Strong Mad: DA! DA!
[Strong Mad joins Strong Bad's party]

Strong Bad: [taking the TrogSword; ecstatic] AHA! By the power of EGA, extended memory management, raster interrupt 6, Hold and Modify, and the mighty Mode 8, the power of the TrogSword is MINE!
[Homestar pops up in the interface, just as happy]
Homestar Runner: Yay! You got the sword! Now you can slay the dragon!
Strong Bad: More importantly, I'll be able to keep you from popping up and interrupting all my future scheduled make-out sessions!
Homestar Runner: Uh... I've got access to your online calendar in here and I don't see any scheduled make-out sessions. Just pedicures and bubble baths.
Strong Bad: [nervously] Yeah... that's code for "make-out session"! Just get outta here! And quit touching my stuff!
[victoriously]
Strong Bad: The fabled TrogSword is MINE!

Strong Bad: [to Stinkoman about the TrogSword] Hey, how do I get up there? I need that sword!
Stinkoman: [stomping his robot-boot-clad feet and laughing] No way. You couldn't handle that sword! I'm gonna get that sword for myself, just as soon as I'm finished toying with *these* guys!
Strong Bad: Come on, man, that's so not cool.
Stinkoman: [laughing and stomping his feet, pointing to Strong Bad] One day, you'll get your baby turn. For babies! Who have a turn!

[Bubs is being attacked by Marzi-kong]
Strong Bad: You gotta help me fix that Trogdor machine, Bubs. I think Strong Sad broke the "logic board" or something.
Bubs: The logic board? Well, that explains everything! You must've broken the 8-Bit Reality Containment Field, causing our universe to combine with the world of videro games!
Strong Bad: That's right, STRONG SAD did that. Can you fix it for me? I mean, him?
Bubs: Oh, I've been fixin' logic boards since before you were in double diapers! I can even make it so you can play those foreign-type imported games! But I won't be able to do jack OR squat until you do something about that crazy crate lady!

[Strong Bad accidentally crashes into the Trogdor arcade cabinet, breaking it and causing it to spark; Strong Sad watches]
Strong Bad: Now look what you did, Dumpa-lumpa! The Trogdor machine is ruined!
Strong Sad: What I did? This thing hasn't worked for months! Besides, YOU broke it! Everybody saw!
Strong Bad: Look, this is no time to be pointing fat, doughy fingers. This is the time for you to figure out how you're gonna fix it.


Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 1: Homestar Ruiner (2008) (VG)
Strong Bad: [at the race track] All right Homestar, I'm not sure why this never occurred to me before, but some French guy said I should beat you up, and I tend to think he's right! Put up your dukes!
Homestar Runner: Oh, hello, Strong Bad. Are you here to watch the race?

Strong Bad: [asked by Homestar about the race] A race? You mean like a race-race, race-race-race?
Homestar Runner: You haven't heard about the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race? It's only the coolest and most important sporting event in the history of sporting events I'm about to compete in ever!
Strong Bad: A race, eh? You know, beating you in a race would be almost as much fun as beating you senseless!
Homestar Runner: I'd like to see you try, Strong Bad. I've been training my twees off for weeks now, and besides, Marzipan has promised me a big victory party after I win.

Strong Bad: [discussing Homestar's victory party] Did someone say "pwahty"?
Homestar Runner: Oh, hecks, yeah. Marzipan's putting together a huge party with floats and cake jugglers and balloonmanimals and...
Strong Bad: And why was I, Lord High Awesomeparty, occasionally known as Strong Bad, not invited?
Homestar Runner: [whispering] Whisperingly, I don't think Marzipan likes you very much.

Strong Bad: Bubs!
Bubs: Strong Bad, shouldn't you be beating the snot out of Homestar or something?
Strong Bad: How do you know about that?
Bubs: I'm your internet provider, man. I read all your email!

Strong Bad: [seeing a bonsai bush] It's Arbor Day, Strongly Brown!

Strong Bad: [patronizingly; referring to Marzipan's party decorations] Did you make all these decorations?
Marzipan: That's so sweet of you to ask. Why yes, all of these party decorations were hand-crafted by me, myself, and I. I grew the bamboo for the tiki torches in my underground terrarium, ground the paint pigments for the victory banner from a variety of rose petals in my garden, and completed a three-week course in iron working at the local community college so I could hand-smelt the cute little Homestar float over there.
Strong Bad: Wow! That's a lotta words!

[Strong Bad finds Homestar in his basement watching the news on the TV]
Strong Bad: Can we watch something less yokel than local news?
Homestar Runner: No way, man. I need to keep up-to-date on all the details of my scandalous downfall and nationwide manhunt.
Strong Bad: Dude, it's a public nudity charge. I've done more scandalous things while buying a pair of brown and tan socks.
Homestar Runner: [looking at the TV] Look, there I am again! Oh, the shame.

Strong Bad: All right, Homestar, it's time for you to go. There's no room in the House of Strong for crybabies.
Homestar Runner: What about Strong Sad?
Strong Sad: I'm not a crybaby, I'm tormented!
Strong Bad: Okay, there's room for one crybaby in the House of Strong, and that position's been filled. Out you go!
Homestar Runner: No way. I'm not leaving until my life is back to the wonderful way it used to be.

Strong Bad: Good grief, Bubs, you've really let yourself go.
Bubs: Hey, man, I've got a glandular problem!
Strong Bad: More like a gravy boat problem.

[Strong Bad is trying to sneak into the King of Town's castle to steal Homestar's criminal record, but has been caught by the Poopsmith]
Strong Bad: [placing a toilet plunger in the wall] Looks like I'm gonna have to jump!
[He jumps up into a vented ceiling duct above just as Strong Mad arrives]
Strong Mad: INTRUDER ALERT?
[the Poopsmith holds up a sign with a question mark on it]
Strong Mad: INTRUDER ALERT?
[the Poopsmith turns the sign; the other side has three question marks]
Strong Bad: [from above] It's a good thing Strong Mad doesn't have a neck, or he might be able to look up.

[Strong Bad has successfully "beaten" Homestar in the race and made him a publicly-humiliated criminal fugitive without a girlfriend. He returns to his basement, but finds... ]
Homestar Runner: [sadly] Oh, hey, Strong Bad.
Strong Bad: *Homestar*? What the crap are you doing in my hallowed halls?
Homestar Runner: Now that I'm a publicly humiliated criminal fugitive without a girlfriend, you're the only friend I've got, so I'm gonna go ahead and crash here for a couple of weeks or years until I put my life back together.
[Strong Bad looks toward the ceiling and raises his fist in fury]
Strong Bad: [yelling] *IRONY*!

Strong Bad: [deleting an email] Survey says... Deleted!

Strong Bad: [deleting an email] El deleto grande!

[Strong Bad, disguised as Homestar, runs the Race to the End of the Race very poorly, but everyone thinks he actually is Homestar]
Coach Z: Wow, Homestar, that was one of the worst performances I've ever seen in the Race to the End of the Race. You should be downright ashamed!
[Pom Pom bubbles]
Coach Z: Yeah, and embarrassed!
Strong Bad: [mimicking Homestar] I guess I was just too clumsy, lame, and not-cool to win...
Coach Z: You said a mouthful, youngster! Pom Pom, step into my office. We got to fill out a bunch of paperwork before we can send the tape off to the judges.
[Pom Pom bubbles and follows Coach Z offscreen; Marzipan walks up]
Marzipan: There you are, you insensitive party-pooping pyromaniac! You and I are T-H-R-U through!
[the King of Town walks up]
The King of Town: And don't think I've forgotten about your little naked escapade, you currently-giant-headed-hooligan! You'll rue the day you exposed your giblets to a government official!
Strong Bad: [still mimicking Homestar] Boo me!

[Strong Bad has put Total Load in Strong Mad's locker and Coach Z looks into it]
Coach Z: Aw, jeez... Hey, Strong Mad!
Strong Mad: [appearing] OH YEAHHHH!
Coach Z: What have I told you about using this Total Load Total Body Energy Enhancer Powder stuff?
Strong Mad: ONLY ON TUESDAYS!
Coach Z: And what day is it today?
Strong Mad: UHH... HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Coach Z: Close enough. Now get this stuff outta here, okay?
Strong Mad: AULD LANG SYNE!
[he leaves]
Coach Z: Now that is one smart kid. Thanks for clearing that up, Strong Bad. Who knows what kinda whatsit-storm Strong Mad woulda unleashed if he went off his schedule!

[Strong Bad has infiltrated the King of Town's castle to steal Homestar's criminal record]
Strong Bad: Aha! Now for some for-real uninterrupted cat-burglar action!
[to his hands]
Strong Bad: I swear, gloves, this is the last time you'll have to touch evidence of nekkid Homestar.
[Strong Mad comes running into the room]
Strong Bad: Hi there, sailor.
[Strong Mad throws Strong Bad out a castle window]
Strong Bad: Geronimo!
[Strong Bad falls and lands on the ground]
Strong Bad: Ta-daaa! Well, I didn't end up with the bags of cash or the bags of cash-shaped diamonds that I usually score when I cat-burgle, but at least I finally got my gloves on Homestar's stupid criminal record! Now maybe I can get him off my couch and away from my television!

What's Her Face: My real dad just bought me a new car because he felt guilty about all the wrongs he done.
[shows off the car in question]
What's Her Face: He bought it at a guh'ment auction!
[What's Her Face climbs into the car and starts to drive off in it, but it suddenly explodes]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] A splode!
[two gangsters stand nearby, watching what had just happened]
Gangster 1: Mr. Pagliogaglioleri will be very pleased.
Gangster 2: Nuts.

Coach Z: Strong Bad, what can I do for you this fine and dandy afternoon?
Strong Bad: So Coach, what do you have to say about all those rumors of performance enhancing powders, juices and, um, snack cakes being snarfed up by your athletes.
Coach Z: What do I say? I say you've got a lot of nerve waggling your talk tongue at me like that! In fact, I'll prove my guys are clean by searching through their lockers right now!
[goes over to some lockers; looks into one]
Coach Z: Let's see... nope, nothing in here, next...
[looks into Homestar's locker]
Coach Z: Whew, that's a ripe one! Next...
[looks into Pom Pom's locker and sees some enhancing powder]
Coach Z: Hey now, what's this powder here?
[sniffs it]
Coach Z: Great Strong Sad's ghost! Pom Pom!
[Pom Pom comes up]
Coach Z: What have you got to say for yourself?
[Pom Pom bubbles]
Coach Z: Don't give me none o' that bubble-debubble nonsense! I know the irresistably succulent aroma of Total Load Total Body Enhancement Energy Powder when I smell it!
[Pom Pom bubbles in protest]
Coach Z: No, no, it's too late for that, my friend. The Swedes'll never accept a time from a contestant who's on the Load. Clean out your locker, Pom Pom, you're through!
[turns back to Strong Bad, who is now dressed as Homestar]
Coach Z: Well, I'll be gorsh-danged, Homestar. With Pom Pom disqualified, it looks like you're the the new Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race champion! Who'da thunk it?
Strong Bad: [talking like Homestar] Not me. My tiny Homestar bwain can barewy think at all.
Coach Z: Well, let's get to filling out those forms for the Swedes... I hope the tape doesn't get erased this time.


Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 3: Baddest of the Bands (2008) (VG)
[Strong Bad is playing a Limozeen video game on his Fun Machine, but it starts malfunctioning to the extent of smoking]
Strong Bad: Aw, crapcakes! Not again! I just sprayed three cans of 4W DD in the cartridge slot this morning. Looks like I'll have to take it to the only fully-licensed videlextrician in town: Bubs. Don't worry, my poor broken Fun Machine, Bubs'll fix you up, better than new.
[He picks up the Fun Machine and carries it off]

Strong Bad: Hey, Bubs, why don't YOU enter my Battle of the Bands?
Bubs: 'Cause I'm not in a band anymore, and battles give me gas!
Strong Bad: What happened to you and Coach Z's band?
Bubs: [showing an album for Two-O Duo, which Strong Bad takes] You mean Two-O Duo? We broke up when Coach Z went soft. Our songs used to be about stickin' it to the man... and kickin' it to The Cheat...
[Flashback to Bubs and Coach Z taking turns kicking The Cheat between them]
The Cheat: [between kicks] Meh!
Coach Z: [rapping] My name is Coach Z, and Bubs is my cohort. So put on your Cheat kickers, and let's kick-a The Chort!
[Flashback back to Bubs talking to Strong Bad]
Bubs: But now all he does is obsess over Marzipan and sleep in a locker. No, the Two-O-Duo is through-o until Coach Z starts acting like an O.G.

[Strong Bad's band, DÖI, has sabotaged the other bands in the Battle Royale of the Bands, and is about to rock]
Strong Bad: All right, expensive ticket holders! Are you ready to be musically, sonically and, if all goes according to plan, physically assaulted?
[Bubs, Coach Z, Marzipan and Homestar, all members of other bands in the contest, all stare at him]
Strong Bad: Hmm, tough crowd... of people in bands I just sabotaged.

Strong Bad: [putting a record called "Food-Related Love" on a record player] And now, a moldy oldie from the Pomarino himself!
[music plays while Homestar sings and Strong Bad helps out using different foods]
Homestar Runner: [singing] Girl, we got a food-related love. And it makes me wanna sing! It's a hot 'n' tangy feeling, kinda like a... like a buffalo wing! Bleu cheese or ranch. We can dine in, or we can take it to go. Our food-related love makes me all tipsy, kinda queasy, like a... like a pint of merlot! I used to think it was mer-lot, until you told me it was not. And when we food-related kiss, it never food-related fails. Our lips are slimy, juicy, like a... like these hot buttered snails! Sooo nasty. They're so gross, and buttery, and they move so slow. They're just like me, girl. The way I move across the dance floor. Our love is related to food, and you know that it's true. It's warm and bubbly too, just like a... umm... like a... hang on girl, gimme a minute... just like a pot of fonduuuuuue!
[falsetto]
Homestar Runner: Just like a pot of fondue!
[normal voice]
Homestar Runner: Ohhh, fondue is related to food. In fact, I think it might be a food. Ohhh, fondue. It's so warm and it's gooey.
[stops singing]
Homestar Runner: Fonduey. So truey.
[Pom Pom bubbles in applause]
Homestar Runner: Great? Me? Oh, pshaw!

Strong Bad: [taking a box of records] Hmm, it's a box of Strong Sad's old records. I better borrow them for safe-keeping; they could get scratched sitting there in that box.

Strong Bad: Butter plus dry ice equals... Well, I'm no mathematician, but that sounds like the cool-dratic formula to me.

Strong Bad: [seeing bats covered in butter] Hmm, bleached buttered bats. Sounds like an appetizer at your neighborhood American bistro franchise.

Strong Bad: [to Coach Z] If you're so into Marzipan, why not tell her how you feel? I love watching train wrecks.
Coach Z: I'm too afraid she'll reject me! If only she'd give me a sign...
Strong Bad: [pondering] A sign, eh?

[Strong Bad shows Marzipan a coloring book of Teen Girl Squad meeting Limozeen, which he had embellished]
Strong Bad: Looky here, Marzipan.
Marzipan: What's this? Oh my, what's Limozeen doing to those... Oh, that's not nice! Gimme that!
[she snatches the book from him, crumples it and throws it away]
Marzipan: I get very upset when I see women being exploited in the media, even if it IS a poorly-drawn coloring book.
Strong Bad: Poorly-drawn?

Strong Bad: [handing Bubs his broken Fun Machine] Bubs, you gotta help me! It's my Fun Machine! It's... broken!
Bubs: It is? Well, we can fix that, no problem!
Strong Bad: Oh, good. I was afraid that...
Bubs: That'll be one big sack of cash.
Strong Bad: One big sackajawhat?
Bubs: One big sack of cash. This is gonna be a tricky job. I gotta order some parts, hire some skilled labor, go back to night school, maybe take some tap lessons...
Strong Bad: How am I gonna get a big sack o' cash?
Bubs: You could get a job. I sure could use an assistant grime taster.

[Strong Bad had gotten Cool Tapes to join the Battle of the Bands]
Marzipan: Here's our entry form, and tell Bubs that our entry fee will be in the mail.
Strong Bad: Couldn't you just give me the money?
Marzipan: Sure. I could also comb my hair with live scorpions, but that doesn't make it a good idea.
Strong Bad: You're right, it's a great idea!

Strong Bad: I'm sure I will instantly regret asking you this, but whatcha doin'?
Strong Sad: I've finally decided to pursue my dream of becoming a snooty rock 'n' roll journalist.
Strong Bad: A rock... and... roll... journal...
[laughs]
Strong Sad: You won't be bwa-ha-haing after I've sold my poignant coming-of-age tale of my snooty exploits to a snooty independent movie studio!
Strong Bad: You're right, I shouldn't...
[laughs again; Strong Sad sighs]

[Strong Bad has sabotaged the Two-O-Duo at the Battle of the Bands, so that Coach Z advances on Bubs as part of their dance break]
Bubs: Uh-oh!
Coach Z: [repeatedly punching Bubs to the rhythm of their music] The punches, the punches!
Bubs: No! Quit it! Ow! Knock it...! Stop!
[suddenly, everything stops abruptly and Coach Z realizes what he had done]
Coach Z: [terrified] Oh, jeez!
Bubs: [very angry at Coach Z] THAT'S IT! I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to get back together with a clumsy dumsy like you...
Strong Bad: [quickly] That was all me!
Bubs: ...but I'm never, *ever*, EVER sharin' a stage, arena, or transient men's motel lounge with you ever again! *EVER*!
[storms off]
Coach Z: Well, on with the show, I guess?
[raps]
Coach Z: One, two, one-one two...
[despite Coach Z's futile efforts, the Two-O-Duo's approval rating drops]
Strong Bad: That takes care of the Two-O-Duo. That's the third time this week I've gotten them to reunite and break up again in the same day!

Cheerleader: Tallen' up those bangs, galpals. We're sneaking into a Limozeen concert!
What's Her Face: I wanna crowdsurf!
The Ugly One: I want to have my elbow signed backstage!
So and So: I wanna sing back-up!
Roadie: Backup? Hmmm... Okay.
[the roadie backs up the tour bus, running over and crushing So and So]
Strong Bad: [offscreen] ROADIE MISCOMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN?


Poker Night at the Inventory (2010) (VG)
The Heavy: I am reminded of time engineer kill my entire team.
Tycho Brahe: Damn heavy, that's... heavy. I'm sorry to hear that.
The Heavy: I search entire base for him. He tries to kill me with turret and mini-turret, but I crush his toys like they are made of paper.
Strong Bad: Sound like some crappy toys, if you ask me.
The Heavy: Then I find him, hiding by teleporter. I take his gun away from him. He tries to hit me with wrench
[laughs]
The Heavy: . So I take wrench away from him. I take his wrench and shove it down his throat, all the way down to the handle.
Tycho Brahe: Christ!
The Heavy: Then I rip off all his fingers, one by one! Let's see you build toys NOW!
[laughs]
The Heavy: There is blood everywhere! And he is crying!
[laughter]
The Heavy: I think he cries out for mother, but...
[laughter]
The Heavy: the wrench is stuck in his throat! And it sounds like
[imitates a choking noise]
The Heavy: !
[laughs]
The Heavy: Is this not the funniest thing?
Strong Bad: [Stunned silence] That is some f***ed up s***, man!

The Heavy: When I was boy, I was at camp, being trained in many ways of combat.
Max: Assassination camp for kids. Oh, this is gonna be good!
The Heavy: There was sparrow, sitting on fence. Snow falls quietly around me. Without notice, another boy jumps from behind tree, and kills sparrow with throwing knife. The boy runs away.
Max: And then?
The Heavy: I pick up sparrow and hear his last breath before digging him tiny grave.
Tycho Brahe: [sobs]
Strong Bad: That's not even a little bit funny, man
The Heavy: No. It's not.

Strong Bad: Hey, Heavyman, do you think you could take care of the King of Town for me?
The Heavy: I can assassinate King. Yes. Is expensive though.
Strong Bad: Whoa, whoa, whoa! By "take care of", I meant maybe you and I could sneak into his room and shave off half his mustache.
The Heavy: I am not best at sneaking.

The Heavy: [he and Strong Bad continue their discussion about dealing with the King of Town] I am not best at sneaking.
Strong Bad: Maybe we could confront him in a dark alley then?
The Heavy: This is better. That way blood wash away in rain.
Strong Bad: Oh man, you're going to totally murder the King of Town, aren't you? Oh well!


Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People (2008) (VG)
[from trailer]
Homestar Runner: Aw, man. This dang ol' remote control can only change the channels and make everybody speak Spanish.
Strong Bad: [holding a Wii remote] Why not try this one?
Homestar Runner: What's that? A futuristic candy bar?
Strong Bad: Almost. Check it out!
[clips from the game play]
Homestar Runner: Oooo. What game is that? The candy bar game?
Strong Bad: It's "Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People"! But *you* can play too!

[Strong Bad is at a meeting to verbally tear Telltale Games a new one on how his game is going]
Strong Bad: [standing on conference table; yelling] Cool game! Strong Bad's cool game! Not box-look-under game! Or green bushes game! What is that mess?
[to one developer]
Strong Bad: You told me you could do a blade! A BLADE! I thought a dialog tree was the name of some cool, alien, sentient plant thing!
[turns to Kevin Bruner]
Strong Bad: And you, ugly glasses Telltale, you said that "point and click" meant pointing a gun and clicking the trigger! And thank goodness we didn't decide to name it "Strong Bad's Cool Game *Developed By* Attractive People". You guys are the ugliest scrubs I've ever seen!
[screams and flails his arms, then suddenly calms down]
Strong Bad: Okay. Calm down. Keep it together. Here's what you do to save this game from certain doom. Fade in. Interior. Awesome video game. Day. In a world where reality and videogames have merged in a pixelated cataclysm, can beefy, robot panted Strong Bad restore order to the galaxy, save the princess, and SLAY THE DRAGON?
[calms down again]
Strong Bad: That's, uh, all I got. I'm gonna find the sandwich cart guy.
[leaves]