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: It's true, isn't it? Sid James
: What about? Sally
: You. Sid James
: Every word, especially the rumours.
: [about Barbara Windsor in Carry on Spying
] I wouldn't confide this to a reprobate like you, were it not bound to frustrate you beyond all reason, but she was a good enough kisser to give me the half hard. Sid James
: You're joking? Kenneth Williams
: Mmmm. The perverse pneumatics of desire never cease to astonish. Hasn't happened to me since Jim Dale went down the stairs on that hospital trolley.
: [about Ronnie Knight, Barbara's first husband
] He knocks about with the Krays, doesn't he? Barbara Windsor
: No he doesn't. I do.
: Garbo was shot through a gauze, you know. I should be shot through a gauze. Sid James
: You should be shot through a blanket. Kenneth Williams
: You should be shot then wrapped in one.
: Take my advice, don't get married. Find someone you don't like and buy them a house.
: Ronnie was married before. He was married when I met him. I was with him nine months before I found out. He was working us in shifts. Sid James
: This is the man you're going to marry? Barbara Windsor
: He won't mess around again. Sid James
: A leopard cannot change its spots. Barbara Windsor
: No, but it can have its balls cut off.
: Thank god my ego's not hostage to my gonads. Women exist for me to bitch with or to bitch about or to bitch about with, not to satisfy an addled libido. Sid James
: Shut up, ya poofter.
: I'm an actor, mate. Kenneth Williams
: You're a cheap vaudevillian. Whereas I am a clasically trained thespian. I've worked with Orson Welles. Sid James
: So have I. Kenneth Williams
: I've played Shakespeare. Sid James
: Well, so have I. Kenneth Williams
: I have read a book.
[Sid looks down at his feet
] Kenneth Williams
: I have sat on the steps of the Colosseum and debated the nature of man with Sophocles, I have.
] Barbara Windsor
: Kenny! Sid James
: Bloody hell. Barbara Windsor
: Honestly! How do you expect to maintain a decent working relationship with people I have no idea. Kenneth Williams
: Rudolph Valentino was a farter. His leading ladies never complained. Barbara Windsor
: They were silent films! Kenneth Williams
: I consider it one of my more singular accomplishments that I can display an uncommon degree of eloquence from both ends...
[He farts again
] Kenneth Williams
: ... simultaneously!
: There comes a time in every man's life when he can no longer snog young women without appearing something of a dirty old sod, a benchmark you passed in the late 1950s. Sid James
: That is charming. Kenneth Williams
: You've got a very grubby image. Sid James
: At least I haven't got a grubby Moroccan sex life. Kenneth Williams
: Oh yes, go on. Throw your little stones from the ruined greenhouse of your own sad lechery. By all means pronounce judgement on diving splinter of my sexual proclivities if you can catch sight of it through the Epping Forest of your own lustful eye. Sid James
: It's unnatural for a man to fancy other men. Barbara Windsor
: Kenny doesn't fancy other men, he fancies himself. Other men are just the next best thing.
Sidney Balmoral James
: Marvelous isn't it. I can't wait to get into my pointed Italian two tones and off down the high street. Makes you feel like a king. Clean dicky dirt, new Peckham, pair of luminous almond rocks, new whistle, nice crease in my strides, Barnet well greased up and flashing my Hampsteads at all the bona palodes.