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Quotes for
TV's Frank (Character)
from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)
Dr. Forrester: These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here
TV's Frank: Come on let's wail, whooo!
Dr. Forrester: Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.
TV's Frank: Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!
Dr. Forrester: Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!
TV's Frank: Plastic man!
Dr. Forrester: That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!
Dr. Forrester: Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!
TV's Frank: Meatloaf?

TV's Frank: Face it, Nelson. Your ratings STINK. Sheesh, you bring in less ratings than reruns of "The Duck Factory."

Crow T. Robot: Oh. Well, I'm glad you found it. This is a special report card my partner Tom and I developed for expensive private academies, because Joel, privilege has its own odor. What do you think, sirs?
TV's Frank: Joel! Grades aren't important... it's the SAT's that count. Well, now the good doctor and I would like to make a prediction about the next big trend in entertainment. Move over comedy clubs, move over trendy discussion salons, move over karaoke bars, here comes ventriloquism! Big, broad, sassy, and brassy. And now Deep 13, in association with George Slaughter Productions, would like to present the ventriloquistic stylings of Dr. Clayton Forrester and his lovable sidekick, Resusci-Annie.
Dr. Forrester: Hello uh, this is Resusci-Annie. We secured over two thousand of these previously-owned CPR demonstration dolls and retrofitted them with ventriloquist animations in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom of the 90's. And without further ado uh, it's time to sit back and laugh and learn with Resusci-Annie. Hehe. Say hello to the nice folks Resusci. Hello nice folks. Resusci, I implore you to be kind and courteous to these well meaning and clean, uh, people here today. I wanna go find some chicks. Heh, but Resusci, you is a chick! I said Resusci, you is a chick! Uh, Frank something's wrong this looks like the big one... I'll revive Resusci and tell Joel about the movie, you dial 911 while drinking water. Your film today, Joel, is a little film which stars no one. It features a giant lame lobster and oh... breathe two, three, four. It's called "Teenagers from Outer Space" and it is a spunky load of noodles.

TV's Frank: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed "The Phantom Creeps" at the end... It's Dr. Forrester who calls all the shots around here... If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idear. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number...
TV's Frank: If chauffeurs ruled the world, it's what I'd like to see 'cause everyone in the world would take a back seat to me. I wouldn't have to drive, I wouldn't have to steer... 'Cause all the world would bow down before me in total abject fear. All the gorgeous dames would worship at my feet. Why, I could have anyone of them I want... Even Meryl Streep. I'd have complete respect of everyone on the planet including intellectuals, even David Mamet. Tell me why do I have to take orders from this guy? I'd like to drop him in a bucket of boiling grease and watch him slowly die.

Dr. Forrester: What? What are you saying? That you're the only one to come up with a Halloween costume by using stuff found around the house? I came up with this when you were back in short-pants! Can you guess what I am? Can ya guess? Well, by taking two lengths of ABS drainage tubing, and fastening them to my arms, and keeping my feet together really close, I go as the goalie of a foosball team! Huh! You get it?Frank? Huh?
TV's Frank: And by wearing this ordinary everyday Fram air-filter, I get to dress up as Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge of TV's Star Trek: The Next Generation, starring TV's Levar Burton. Kids, reading opens up a rainbow of enchantment and whimsy and wonder and wisdom and...
Dr. Forrester: Thank you, Kunta Kinte. Well, your film this week, Joel, burns deep in the fine tradition of "Kramer Vs. Kramer", "Ollie Vs. Norton", "Kasparoff Vs. Karpoff", it's "Megalon Vs. Godzilla".
TV's Frank: It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and maybe, just maybe, teach you a little something about yourself. And kids, don't forget to read Godzilla Vs. the Velveteen Rabbit.

Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: No. I want my money back.
Dr. Forrester: Forceps, Frank. Pain.
TV's Frank: I don't care. I want my money.
Dr. Forrester: Electro shock, Frank.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: THE BOX, FRANK.
TV's Frank: I'll push the button...

Dr. Forrester: You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka!
Dr. Forrester: Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka! Is it?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.
TV's Frank: Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.

Dr. Forrester: This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...
TV's Frank: Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...
TV's Frank: The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...
TV's Frank: Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?
Dr. Forrester: Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...
Joel: Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?
Tom Servo: Yeah, what do you get out of it?
TV's Frank: Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?
Dr. Forrester: No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?

TV's Frank: You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank
Dr. Forrester: Why's that Frank?
TV's Frank: Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...
Dr. Forrester: Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!
TV's Frank: Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?
Dr. Forrester: No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either!

TV's Frank: [Joel is watching the mads] Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...
Dr. Forrester: Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.
TV's Frank: What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!
Dr. Forrester: It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.

TV's Frank: That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?
Dr. Forrester: No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.
TV's Frank: That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?
Dr. Forrester: You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...
TV's Frank: The immortal "baa baa black sheep"...
Dr. Forrester: The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...
TV's Frank: The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...
Dr. Forrester: Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.
Dr. Forrester: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
TV's Frank: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!

TV's Frank: That's right, we've broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to you.

Joel: [on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!
TV's Frank: Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.

TV's Frank: Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.
TV's Frank: After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!
TV's Frank: Are we talking about the same thing?
Dr. Forrester: He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!
TV's Frank: The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!
Dr. Forrester: Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, elegant... painful.
Dr. Forrester: And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!
TV's Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!
Dr. Forrester: No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.
TV's Frank: Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?
TV's Frank: And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!

TV's Frank: [strapped to a table] No mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!
Dr. Forrester: And no drooling this time!
[to Joel]
Dr. Forrester: Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle.

Dr. Forrester: The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.
TV's Frank: Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!
Dr. Forrester: and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.
TV's Frank: And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.
TV's Frank: And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!
Dr. Forrester: What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.
TV's Frank: Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!
Dr. Forrester: Run it through again, Frank.
TV's Frank: Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.

TV's Frank: Geez, they don't really tell you how to reverse these things! Oh, hi! Having a few technical difficulties. Look, Clay, I didn't mean to make you undead! I was just fooling around! It happens!

Dr. Forrester: Nelson! A recent study by a research group at Senior's Lifestyle revealed that, and Frank quotes...
TV's Frank: Owning and caring for a pet decreases hyper-tension, slows the heart-rate, and lowers blood pressure. Unquote.
Dr. Forrester: Obviously the cuter the pet the lower the heart-rate... Anyway, I've designed the world's most adorable pet! It will make you so placid, so care-free, that I'll be able to rule the world and you won't even notice! You, as per usual, are the test case. Frank?
TV's Frank: And his name is... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Oh, yes, and he's the nummiest little thing there's ever been! Oh, yes you are!
Dr. Forrester: That's right, NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Yes, you are, little nummy, isn't he cute, Frank? I... it out-does the kitty cat, runs circles around the Easter Bunny, and makes Snuggles the fabric-softening bear look like Penn Jillette.

TV's Frank: was alone, I had lost my way. Until one wonderful, funderful day when I met a friend made up of fur and fuzz, a friendly little friend whose friendly name was... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Scrappy little pal like no udder. His name is kinda long so you can just call him Muffin. Whatever ya call him, I sure as heck love him. I love him even more than my father or mudder, NummyMuffinCoocolButter... But then, one day unexpectedly, NummyMuffinCoocolButter was taken from me. The loss of that pet has left a really big void. My subsequent behaviour would even startle Freud. When it comes to pets, there'll never be anudder like... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Goodbye, Nummy Muffin CoocolButter... I love you.

Joel: [reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."
Crow T. Robot: 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!
Tom Servo: Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.
Joel: I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?
Tom Servo: D'oh!
TV's Frank: Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. Forrester: What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.
TV's Frank: Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?

TV's Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses you dink.

TV's Frank: Ha, Ha, Hey you've got webbed toes.

TV's Frank: Eww, look at all the poo.

Dr. Forrester: That's fine, Joel. Have you petty little insurrection. Just remember you're trapped in space dressed like happy *kings*, and Frank and I are down here on Earth, free to do whatever we want.
[Frank enters reading TV guide]
TV's Frank: Hey, Dr. F., there's a Matlock marathon on tonight. You in?

Dr. Forrester: Your movie this week, Joel, is not a science fiction film, but it's perfect for our experiments. It's just bad. Tell 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: That's right, it's a diabolical cinematic... It's just bad.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, remember that bad thing we saw? This is even worse than that! Bad!
TV's Frank: Yes, that's right. It's bad.
Dr. Forrester: But it's our kind of bad. It's a good... bad.
TV's Frank: It's bad.
Dr. Forrester: It's good for us... Bad for you, Joel!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Against the Moon Men (#5.10)" (1992)
Dr. Forrester: Go ahead and sing, pantywaist. In a moment, you're going to be knee deep in sand. Then, it will be Joel Robinson, RIP.
TV's Frank: Rest in pants?

[repeated line]
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Deeeeeeeeeep Huuuuuurrrrrrrrting!

TV's Frank: I am the button!

Dr. Forrester: Push the button Frank.
TV's Frank: I *am* the button.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (#5.24)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Uh, hi fellas. Look, I just wanted to let you know, I know this movie's a tough one, and I just wanted to let you know I feel for ya.
TV's Frank: [off-screen] Doctor, the caramel corn's ready. Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl?
Dr. Forrester: Uh, fine, sure.
Dr. Forrester: Now, you realize if you tell Frank I've done this, I'll have to kill him. So let's not, okay? 'Nuff said? All righty? Buh-bye.

Dr. Forrester: Frank, where is our pizza? It's been two hours since you ordered.
TV's Frank: Well, I called Togo's Pizza; they were busy, so I ended up having to order from Torgo's Pizza.
Dr. Forrester: Come in.
Torgo: [Torgo enters, the music from 'Manos the hands of fate' in the background] LaRgE SaUsAgE AnD MuShRoOm... ThIn CrUsT?
TV's Frank: That's us.
Torgo: ThaT's $14.50, pLeaSe.
Dr. Forrester: Here!
Torgo: Do... YoU HaVe AnYtHiNg SmAlLeR? I OnLy CaRrY TwEnTy DoLlArS In ChAnGe.
Dr. Forrester: THat's all I have.
TV's Frank: I have a twenty.
Dr. Forrester: Well, why didn't you give him the twenty?
TV's Frank: I was saving it, you know...
Dr. Forrester: Would you please give him the twenty?
Torgo: ThAnK YoU... I'lL GeT YoUr ChAnGe.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, keep it!
Torgo: ThAnK YoU VeRy MuCh, SiR... LeT Me JuSt GeT YoUr CoMpLiMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD...
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: NO! No, no, no, that's okay! That's quite all right.
TV's Frank: Hey, what about our pop?
Torgo: I... LeFt It In ThE CaR... I'lL Be RiGhT BaCk.
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Oh.
Dr. Forrester: Until next time, Joel. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Say, you know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm.
Torgo: ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt.

TV's Frank: Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
Dr. Forrester: [off-screen] Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
TV's Frank: Coming, sir!
[hushed voice]
TV's Frank: I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about "Manos: the Hands of Fate." I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.

[Frank is dressed as an executioner]
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me say this about today's invention exchange; let them eat chocolate.
TV's Frank: That's right Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester: That's right Frank.
[steps aside to reveal guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Ready Mr. executioner?
TV's Frank: Yes my liege.
Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head Frank.
[Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?
Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (#5.3)" (1992)
TV's Frank: Stuffing instead of potatoes? Honey, I love you!
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Meat is murder, Frank.

TV's Frank: It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed.
[to Morrissey]
TV's Frank: So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?
Morrissey: He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?
TV's Frank: Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.
Morrissey: Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Beginning of the End (#6.17)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Hello Murray, automata. Say, what's the most popular form of exercise this month, hm? HMM? Well, that's right - the recumbent bike! As I see it, recumbent creators were afraid to make it *too* comfortable. Well, I'M not afraid! TADAH!
[He reveals a bicycle basically equipped with a bed]
Dr. Forrester: The ReComfy Bike!
[Frank enters wearing pyjamas and a bike helmet]
TV's Frank: Dr. F, could you tuck me in before my ride?
Dr. Forrester: Of course, Franklin, there you go. Check out the reading lamp, nightstand and goose-down comforter. Of course, we might have to ditch the wheels and the pedals to make room for the ice machine and expresso bar, but...
TV's Frank: Uh, Dr. F, I can't get it to go.
Dr. Forrester: Well, try harder you LOAD!
TV's Frank: Well, there's kind of a lot of stuff here.
Dr. Forrester: [in whiny voice] Oh, there's kind of a lot of stuff here. Nappy time, don't you think, Frank?
[forcefully tucks Frank in]
Dr. Forrester: Back up to you, Margot.

Mike Nelson: Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?
Tom Servo: Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, why get them involved.
Mike Nelson: I mean I think we should just call the Mads.
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester is excercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.
TV's Frank: [Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!
[Mike and the bots look shocked]
Dr. Forrester: You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.
TV's Frank: I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.
Dr. Forrester: Well I shouldn't.
[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]
Dr. Forrester: Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!
[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]
Mike Nelson: So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Cave Dwellers (#4.1)" (1991)
Tom Servo: Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate!
Crow T. Robot: I'll what?
Tom Servo: You'll show 'em.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the Foster Grants? IT'S OG!
Joel: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Dr. Forrester, Frank: What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL!
Frank: Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly, Frank. Push the Button.
Frank: Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now.
Dr. Forrester: Would you just push the button?
Frank: I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Rocket Attack U.S.A. (#3.5)" (1990)
TV's Frank: Okay. Well Joel, you know if you're like me, when I think of the 70's, I think of one thing: Foosball! Woo-eeeyukaaeeee! So what we've done is taken the whole Foosball concept, and uh... We've caulked this, added water, and we've turned it into Water Polo. Woo!
Dr. Forrester: That's right.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: To provide hours of aquatic terror... Get that, Frank... with shark attacks...
TV's Frank: I'm going to kill you! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die
Dr. Forrester: ...boat accidents, just like the kind of terror you're going to see in this film this week, Joel: The Phantom Creeps with Bela Lugosi. I've got you now, Frank.
TV's Frank: And then after that, our main feature is called Rocket Attack USA. It's the feel-good film of the Cold War Era, a triumph of the human spirit! But now I'm going to kill you!
Dr. Forrester: I have you now!
TV's Frank: Die! Die! Die!
Dr. Forrester: I just scored on you, Pauline Kale.
TV's Frank: You are going to... Ahahah...
Dr. Forrester: Endure the film, Joel, if you can.
TV's Frank: I will kill you!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Unearthly (#4.20)" (1991)
Dr. Forrester: Ah, it does my heart good to see Crow burnt beyond all recognition! Oh, Frank, it's time for this week's invention exchange.
[Frank enters crying, wearing two boards with an odd assortment of pills glued on]
Dr. Forrester: Oh, accept the pain, Frank!
[to Joel]
Dr. Forrester: You've heard the expression, "That's a hard pill to swallow"? Well, our invention exchange this week is just that - some hard pills to swallow. Uh, turn Frank. And cough.
[Frank does so]
Dr. Forrester: [points to pill] See this pill right here? It shold be easy to swallow, shouldn't it Frank? Yes, it should be except for the three-pronged fish hook attached to it.
[points to another one]
Dr. Forrester: This one - I'm not going to kid you - this is *very* difficult to swallow. It's a Not-So-Tiny Time pill, complete with a living gerbil.
TV's Frank: [shouts] Terry, no!
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Terry, yes! If you can keep this one down, you'll have a pet that knows you inside and out. If you have trouble keeping one pill down, try our pill necklace of piptric acid - one-hundred and five capsules on a string. Keep that gag reflex active 'til the cows come home - the longer it takes to swallow, the harder it gets.
[with evil glee]
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and the children?
TV's Frank: [shouts] Not the children! Aw-haw-haw!
Dr. Forrester: The children love vitamin shapes, like, shaped like cartoons. Whimsical shapes! Whimsical shapes, and wouldn't it be hard for all those Flintstone kids if their favorite vitamin came... turn, Frank...
[Frank turns, revealing a life-size Fred Flintstone vitamin]
Dr. Forrester:, hmm, hmm? Ball's in your court, Joel!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Gila Monster (#5.2)" (1992)
Dr. Forrester: Now, taste the red hot steel of Dr. Clayton "Fire-brand" Forrester! The punching bag has always had a sound principle behind it. Frank?
TV's Frank: Yes, that it's fun to beat Boffo the clown savagely and repeatedly till Boffo's bleeding froim the ears, but then... alas the thrill is gone. The fire goes out of your belly. You need something new to stimulate your imagination.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, that's why we've invented these hateful punching bags with images of characters from the renaissance festival. For instance, there's uh, the rat catcher. Excuse me, sirs, is that your head or did your neck throw up?
TV's Frank: Oh, bite me Frodo!
Dr. Forrester: And there's the ever popular leather mug maker. Please, sir, sample my wares!
TV's Frank: Sample my fist, you community theatre reject!
Dr. Forrester: Loveable harlequinn! I am harlequinn.
TV's Frank: I am your worst nightmare! Twenty three dollars to get in! Huzzah my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkein-reading loser!
Dr. Forrester: Uh, that's enough, Frank... Uh, well, Joel, your experiment this week is a sweet meat repleat with empty-headed teens, fast cars, and a cute little lizard. It's called "The Giant Gila Monster", and it wil make you hurt or my name's not Earl Shibe. Enjoy.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the the Eye Creatures (#5.18)" (1992)
Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, as you know many prominent American woodworkers have, well...
TV's Frank: Died.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. They're dead. Uh, not meant as a criticism, but, it's true.
TV's Frank: Which is the basis of our Invention Exchange this week, it's the Router Ouija Board. Sure, any ordinary Ouija board can contact spirits from beyond the grave.
Dr. Forrester: But with the Router Ouija Board, when you're in contact with the spirit of a dead woodworker...
TV's Frank: Lost in the horry underworld. Ooh.
Dr. Forrester: You get woodworking done with the pride and craft unknown in the world of the living. Now Joel, prepare yourself for we are in contact with someone or something known as Ethan Allen.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the Giant Leeches (#5.6)" (1992)
Dr. Forrester: Ah! Robinson, Servo, Mr. T. Robot! Our invention this week is inspired by this week's experiment, "Attack of the Giant Leeches". In ye olden times, alchemists believed that leeches served medicinal purposes.
TV's Frank: So do we!
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yes um, we found that the common fresh water leech uh, can serve the same purpose as a nicotine patch, and being neither food nor drug, there's no pesky FDA regulation to impede your progress and I can experiment at will. Frank?
TV's Frank: At your service.
Dr. Forrester: Our subject, Frank, has been trying to quit smoking for quite some time. He's a three pack-a-day man.
TV's Frank: No I'm not!
Dr. Forrester: Yes you are, shut up. Now this leech, we'll call him Patches...
TV's Frank: Yah!
Dr. Forrester: When applied to the neck or head area, will suck any desire to smoke out of Frank.
TV's Frank: No, no, no, no! No! No! No, I'm the sum of my vices! I have my pain, my happiness, my losses, my love! My struggles, my hobbies, my lent! I want to live! I want to live! I want to live! And love! And learn! And live!
Dr. Forrester: But this won't hurt a bit.
TV's Frank: Oh, Ok.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, there you go. Now, Patches, I'm depending on you, ya slug!
TV's Frank: Say, this is the most action I've ever got.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Rocketship X-M (#3.1)" (1990)
TV's Frank: But as far as you space monkeys are concerned, I'm the new Marshall in town. That's right, I'm the god. I'm the god!
TV's Frank: May I take your order please?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Unchained (#5.8)" (1992)
TV's Frank: Yeah right, whatever. Well Joel, everyone knows that design is the combination of two separate elements. That's why we've taken interior design and meshed it with household pests, and come up with something we like to call... decorator roaches!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, roaches. Fashions come and go, but roaches are forever. Our Invention Exchange this week is: Swatch Roaches. Now, for you Southwest enthusiasts, we have this little number I like to call La Cucharacha. Hahaha, get it? Of course you do. And for the sports enthusiast in your life we have the 49ers Roach, complete with colors; and over here we have the Peter Max Roach.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (#4.21)" (1991)
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I... I can't wait. I want you to open your gift now.
TV's Frank: Great idea, Pete! As a matter of fact uh, I picked you up a little something myself.
Dr. Forrester: Uh... For me? You shouldn't have.
TV's Frank: It was nothing, really.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank. No, it's the thought that counts. I, I know that you think that I'm probably just a cold-hearted jerk without an ounce of self-respect for myself or anyone else, but on the other hand...
TV's Frank: Merry Christmas, Dr. Forrester.
Dr. Forrester: Merry Christmas, Frank... Oh, Frank! What a lovely watch-band! This must have set you back a pretty penny.
TV's Frank: Well actually I uh, didn't have any money, so I took the liberty of hawking your Rolex and... to pay for that...
Dr. Forrester: You... hawked my Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's... It's called "Final Exit". I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Oh Henry.
Dr. Forrester: Well, until next time, bumpus.
TV's Frank: God bless us, everyone.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Samson vs. the Vampire Women (#7.24)" (1995)
[last lines]
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Could I ask you one thing before you go?
TV's Frank: Sure.
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Could you push the button, Frank?
TV's Frank: Watch me rock.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (#4.17)" (1991)
TV's Frank: Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out great! Really. You know, the other day, my colon looked up at me and said, "Frank, thank you." I said "No. Thank YOU." But now, what am I going to do with all the meat I have stored in freezers? I figured, "Hey, why not bring the meat back to life?
Dr. Forrester: That's right. That's why we've invented the meat re-animator. Hook it up, Frank.
TV's Frank: Clear.
[they shock a chicken that gets up and starts wobbling around]
Dr. Forrester: It's alive! Alive! My corn-fed Minnesota chicken is alive!
TV's Frank: You know, I thought this would a good idea, but this is one weird mamajama.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Swamp Diamonds (#6.3)" (1993)
[last lines]
TV's Frank: Shh! I'm watching me on the U-View. Michelle Pfeiffer and I have just had a fabulous date. We flew over to Paris on the Concorde for a late-night dinner on the Left Bank. I drove the plane for awhile. What's happening? I'm dropping Michelle off at her place? She's motioning for me to come into her place? Yes, Frank! All right, whoo! You old dog, you. Wait a minute. What am I doing? I'm looking at my watch? I'm pulling a TV Guide out from my back pocket? I'm looking at the listings? I'm telling Michelle I can't stay 'cause I have to be home in time for "Baywatch"? What the hell are you thinking? Stupid idiot! Oh, push the button, Frank.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell (#6.12)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Ah, nothing like a good shower to make one feel good again, huh? I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood. What's going on, Frank?
TV's Frank: Oh, not much. Inventory's under control... floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. Forrester: Well, I see you got the situation well in hand... What? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
TV's Frank: Well, I better get started on that floor.
Dr. Forrester: Frank, my towel and your hinder have an appointment. But first, we got to rescue Joel. Oh, no! No! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback.
TV's Frank: Let's hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Dr. Forrester: Well, that's a good point, Frank, 'cause... Frank, can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
TV's Frank: Well, we can send someone else into space.
Dr. Forrester: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
Mike Nelson: Would you guys sign my time card?
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester and Frank exchange a look] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
TV's Frank: Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are ya?
Mike Nelson: C'mon, you gotta sign my time card.
Dr. Forrester: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man. In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank. Say Mike, what size jumpsuit do you wear?
Mike Nelson: Uhh...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Atomic Brain (#6.18)" (1993)
Mike Nelson: Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?
Tom Servo: Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, why get them involved.
Mike Nelson: I mean I think we should just call the Mads.
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester is exercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.
TV's Frank: [Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!
[Mike and the bots look shocked]
Dr. Forrester: You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.
TV's Frank: I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.
Dr. Forrester: Well I shouldn't.
[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]
Dr. Forrester: Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!
[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]
Mike Nelson: So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Violent Years (#7.10)" (1994)
Dr. Forrester: I was alone with the world to tame, I was evil but feelin' blue Lookin' around, talkin' to clowns, Never guessin' that I'd find you
TV's Frank: Workin' the fryer I was never a cryer, I had a void in the shape of you
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank.
TV's Frank: Lookin' for love, hopin' for evil, Alls I got was chicken cordon bleu
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Ba-da-been, were livin' in Deep 13 Nobody knows what we mean Rulin' the world with our heads in a swirl and its keen Livin' in Deep 13.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Guiron (#4.12)" (1991)
Dr. Forrester: You're going to need a collapsible port-o-potty after you ingest this week's cinematic bolus!
TV's Frank: It's called "Gamera Vs. Guiron" and it is thoroughly indigestible!
Dr. Forrester: Serve it up, Frank! Open wide, Joel. Eat it, boy, eat it!
TV's Frank: mmmmm, good lard.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sword and the Dragon (#7.17)" (1994)
TV's Frank: Clay, have you seen my X-Men #354?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you're breaking my concentration. I wanna get all my back issues of Starlog organized in time to tape tonight's episode of TekWars.
TV's Frank: Oh, TekWars is on. That's right
[door bell rings]
Dr. Forrester: I wonder who that can be?
TV's Frank: that's right, I forgot all about TekWars. We'll have to see... Tonight's episode's supposed to...
Bridget: Hi! I'm Bridget and this is my friend Mary Jo. We just moved in upstairs to Deep 12. We're neighbors!
TV's Frank: Ahhh! Clay, there are girls here! Actual girls!
Dr. Forrester: [looking through comics panicking] Uh, ah, uh, don't panic! Um, there must be some instructions on what to do. Somewhere...
Bridget: Well, we've introduced ourselves, who are you?
TV's Frank: I have lots of comic books. I keep them in plastic bags.
Bridget: Oh, yeah, I, heh, heh...
Mary Jo: We haven't seen the laundry room. Do you know where it is?
Dr. Forrester: [trying, and failing, to remain calm] Are we on a date? 'Cause it's okay if we're on a date. Uh, Frank and I have been on, uh, with Frank, yeah, uh...
TV's Frank: Babylon 5 was on last night.
Bridget: Um, yeah. I'm sure...
Dr. Forrester: [to camera] Mike, you've got to help us. We're on a date down here. Could you, uh, provide us with some kind of entertainment?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Catalina Caper (#3.4)" (1990)
TV's Frank: [on Joel's invention] That is so neat! We could base a whole party around that. We could all get in our fuzzy beanie pajamas and jump up and down on the bed.
Dr. Forrester: Look, the only party we're going to is the one where we dance on your grave.
TV's Frank: Oh, will I be invited?
Dr. Forrester: You'll be the guest of honor!
TV's Frank: Oh.
Dr. Forrester: Now you tell them about the movie. I gotta to get out of this thing; I'm chafing like a bear.
TV's Frank: Well Joel, this week's movie is called Catalina Caper and it is... delightful. It's a veritable feel-good movie, a light-hearted romp, a triumph of the human spirit! Thank you, Tommy Kirk, for making us laugh about love... again. And it's got a great theme song. You're gonna love it! Never ever, ever...
TV's Frank: Frank! Incoming!
TV's Frank: ...steal anything wet! Never steal anything wet! Eeeyukaaeeee!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants (#6.23)" (1994)
TV's Frank: I have a hard time... um... communicating with people.