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Quotes for
Pearl Forrester (Character)
from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)

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"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Quest of the Delta Knights (#10.13)" (1998)
Baydool: My name is Baydool.
Crow T. Robot: No, wait, that's my intestinal condition.
Baydool: Can you say "Baydool"?
Pearl Forrester: Let me try. "Get bent". No, I guess I can't.

Pearl Forrester: The credits keep on rolling throughout the movie!

Narrator: From the land comes life.
Pearl Forrester: And fat-free goodness!

[Baydool comes out holding a chamber pot]
Pearl Forrester: Eww, wizard wiz!
Crow T. Robot: He drained the wizard!

Pearl Forrester: Okay, Nelson, time for your semi-annual check-up. So...
[readies clipboard]
Pearl Forrester: How are you feeling these days?
Mike Nelson: Doing very well these days, Pearl. Thank you.
Pearl Forrester: No physical pain anywhere? No mental anguish? No vague feelings of unease? Poor sleep? Crying jags, hives, corns?
Mike Nelson: No. Well, I was a bit upset a few days ago when I lost some shiny bottle-caps that I quite liked, but, I found 'em and ever since it's been damn good times. I'm feeling very very happy and I never felt healthier. I have a good life. Thank you!
Pearl Forrester: *Why?* What is *wrong* with you? I work my fingers to the bone trying to make you miserable and you have the insensitivity to tell me you're *happy?*
Brain Guy: You know, Pearl, it might behoove you to reevaluate the experiment itself. As a wise old Observer once said, to constantly repeat the same action and expect a variant reaction is surely a sign of madness.
[Pearl punches him in the face]
Pearl Forrester: Then why do you keep mouthing off to me? You get the same reaction every time.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Spider Invasion (#9.10)" (1997)
Mike Nelson: Bobo, Is that you? I mean, really you?
Bobo: No, it's John Schuck on a bad hair day. Of course it's me, and I'm fine but these two, hoo-hoo-hoo, they really love their zucchinis. In fact they're packin' 'em up so they can deliver zucchinis to their friends all over the galaxy.
Mike Nelson: Now, now, now listen very carefully, Bobo. These pods grow aliens who replace your body. If they're loading them into the truck that means the whole galaxy could be in danger.
Bobo: Oh come now, ha. Just because they load a bunch of zucchini throw pillows onto a truck doesn't mean they're trying to take over the galaxy. Haha. Proposterous, typical of you with your back and your Braun hand blenders. Haha. Oh look, I'll just ask her. Oh say, Lawgiver, now are those evil pods? And are you trying to take over the galaxy?
Pearl Forrester: Yes, and yes. Excuse me, please.
Bobo: Well, I guess I can see how you could misconstrue that, Nelson, but I'm still not convinced.

[last lines]
Pearl Forrester: You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my body. Brain guy, send them the movie - again.
Mike and the 'Bots: [over the end credits] Movie sign! Again!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hobgoblins (#10.7)" (1998)
Pearl Forrester: Mike, Servo, Art, I took away the couch and brought it back down here. You are all old enough to be taking some responsibility for some of our things
[In the background Brain Guy and Bobo start jumping on the couch]
Pearl Forrester: Couches do not grow on trees!
Bobo: Hey can I have some of you grape juice?
Brain Guy: Sure, if I can have some of that seal coating!
Pearl Forrester: There was a nice settee I was thinking of sending up there, there was a particular office chair I know you would have enjoyed, Crow, but I don't know if I can ever trust you with any home furnishings ever again... Bobo, Brain Guy, who wants candy?
Bobo: Oh I do, I do!
Brain Guy: Me, me!
Pearl Forrester: [Pearl hands them a bomb each] I don't mean to yell...
[Pearl places cotton wool in her ears, and two explosions occurs off-screen]
Pearl Forrester: ... I just really want everyone to stay off the couch.

Crow: [sighs] Now, now, there, there, you did so mean to turn me on that time!
Tom Servo: [sighs] Okay, I admit it, I turned you on on purpose, o-kaay, cause I was upset and I turned you on, so biiiig deal!
Mike Nelson: Well now you just turned me on, can't you do anything without turning people on? It's just... I can't
Tom Servo: Oh that's nice, coming from you, after you turned me...
Pearl Forrester: Yooou couldn't turn me on if you had a dozen naked Gerato's and Fabio in tight leather pants.
[Goes all breathless and looks turned on]
Pearl Forrester: Ah ah, aaah, um... where-where was I? Oh, right, I'm remodeling the Great Hall, I'm putting in a conversation pit and the couch I had picked out for it came in early, so I need you guys to store it for me. Brain Guy!
Brain Guy: Yes Madam.
[Teleports couch to Mike and the 'bots]
Pearl Forrester: And no jumping on the couch!
[Cuts to Mike and the bots jumping on the couch]
Crow: Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeee, watch you guys I'm gonna do something cool. You can see my legs, you can see my legs!
Tom Servo: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks Grandma Pearl!
[Laughs]
Mike Nelson: Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Woo Hoo! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Laughs]
Pearl Forrester: Grandma Pearl does not want you jumping on that couch! Get off, right now! Don't, don't squeeze those juice boxes on that couch!
[Cuts to the guys jumping, laughing and squeezing juice all over the couch]
Pearl Forrester: Oh, we can't have nice things! That's it, that is it! I am going to give you such a movie!
Crow: Crow, Servo and Mike, together: We don't care!
Pearl Forrester: Bobo. Brain Guy. Get the movie.
Brain Guy: Huh, no!
[Bobo shrieks]
Brain Guy: [the guys stop laughing and look scared]
Pearl Forrester: [Putting gloves on] We have ways of dealing with ne'er-do-wells, who insist on jumping on our rent-to-own couches. Your movie...
[Bobo runs up the the camera and shrieks again]
Pearl Forrester: ... is called...
[Removes a film reel from a chest]
Pearl Forrester: ... Hobgoblins!
[Bobo shrieks again]
Mike Nelson: Pearl, please, whatever you're thinking, please don't!
[the guys start shouting apologies, and then the movie sign alerts]


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Diabolik (#11.13)" (1999)
Pearl Forrester: Look, Nelson. Move on. I am.
[Pearl pulls the plug on Castle Forrester's observation equipment, severing the comm link]


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (#9.12)" (1997)
[last lines]
Pearl Forrester: All right, I am free! Good riddance, you little no-neck monsters. Blackjack table, here I come.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girl in Gold Boots (#11.2)" (1999)
Pearl Forrester: [wanting to make Brain Guy look like a hunchback] Brain Guy, I want to give you a hump.
Brain Guy: Well, look, madam, whatever your feelings for me I think...
Pearl Forrester: On your back, idiot.
Brain Guy: That's sexual harrassment, and I don't have to take it!
Pearl Forrester: A latex hump!
Brain Guy: Now see here!
Pearl Forrester: [hands him a latex hump for his back] Would you just put this on?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Agent for H.A.R.M. (#9.15)" (1997)
Pearl Forrester: You're out of order!
Professor Bobo: No, you're out of order!
[points at judge]
Professor Bobo: You're out of order! The courtroom is out of order! The candy machine by the men's room is out of order!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jack Frost (#9.13)" (1997)
[last lines]
Pearl Forrester: Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (#11.3)" (1999)
Pearl Forrester: Attention captive test subjects! The Institute for Mad Science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you. Now, let's do it right so I can get to the real mad scientist stuff, like pulling the heads off monkeys.
Professor Bobo: HEY!
Pearl Forrester: Oh don't even.
[reads note]
Pearl Forrester: Hmmm... Hehehe... Yes, good good good. This is a very good evil experiment. The hypothesis is is that one of you, say Servo, is given complete power and control over the others...
Tom Servo: [dressed like a Nazi] Furthermore, all those violating marshal law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers.
Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson: [weakly] Hooray.
Tom Servo: And finnaly, my good people, give me all your cookies and I won't kill you!
Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson: [weaker] Hooray.
Pearl Forrester: ...The person in charge will undoubtedly become corrupt. So, take your person in charge and fill his underwear with fire ants.
Tom Servo: F-f-f-fire ants? I'm no longer fit to lead! I relinquish my power to Mike! I'm a private citizen! You can have your damn cookies back!
Pearl Forrester: Ah, so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (#9.22)" (1997)
Pearl Forrester: Today's film is Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, starring the late Raul Julia, a very wonderful actor. What he was doing in this piece of s-
[Is about to say "shit", but stalls]
Pearl Forrester: surely, very... quality, quality, film-making.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hamlet (#11.9)" (1999)
Pearl Forrester: Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?


1st Annual Mystery Science Theater 3000 Summer Blockbuster Review (1997) (TV)
Pearl Forrester: ...And the two before that he was played by Beetlegeuse.