No Photo Available
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Joel Robinson (Character)
from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000: 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (#5.24)" (1993)
Joel: [the Master confronts Torgo, who has just woken up. There is a long silence]
Joel: [yells] Do something! God...

Joel: Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
[Crow pops up on a leash]
Joel: It's pretty scary.
Tom Servo: Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel: But, Tom, look!
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, the cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Joel: Oh, c'mon, look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Joel, Tom's right. It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel: What do you mean?
Crow T. Robot: Well, for one thing, your face is too friendly, and your eyebrows, they arc gently as opposed to jutting inward, and, well, frankly, Joel. you blush in the most adorable way.
Joel: This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.

Joel: So, it's Manos...
Crow T. Robot: ...the Hands of Fate?
Joel: Yes.

Joel: "Manos: The Hands of Fate" was filmed on location in a vacant lot.

Crow T. Robot: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film, isn't it?
Joel: Oh, c'mon, the mads wouldn't do that to us. This is not going to be a snuff film, I guarantee you.

[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]
Joel: Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow T. Robot: Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?

Joel: I wish those hands would just... push him over.

Joel: [watching the women wrestle in the desert in Manos the Hands of Fate] Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling
Tom Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.

Joel: Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!
Tom Servo: Oh, hi Joel.
Joel: Well, come on, Tom, I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!
Tom Servo: Well, you look like Maude.

Joel: [the women wrestling scene in manos continues] You know, this is the alternate ending to Beaches.

The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!

The Master: You have failed and now you must die!
Joel: [as Torgo] You can't kill me, I quit!
[the Master advances]
Joel: [as Torgo]
Tom Servo: I'm... going to have to ask... for my last paycheck... right now. Sir.
[the Master advances]
Tom Servo: What? What? Neh. Uh. What?

Joel: [the master slowly awakens] I can tell you my bladder's reaching critical mass.

Joel: Y'know, Torgo wobbles, but he won't fall down.

Joel: Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photo.

Crow T. Robot: [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.
Joel: Let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful.

[Torgo is peeping at Margaret]
Joel: [to the 'bots] Alright you two, look away, this is nothing for your eyes!
Tom Servo: Why, is Torgo juggling?
Joel: Shame on you Dr. Forrester, have you no sense of decency?

Joel: Well... just in case you forgot, ladies and gentlemen... 'Manos': The Hands of Fate.

Joel: [when the family's car pulls over next to a razed paddock] Visit beautiful Ground Zero!

Joel: You know... there are certain flaws in this film.

Joel: [during Masters uncomfortably long laughter scene] I think he has the most musical laugh I've heard.

Joel: Torgo, you're the laziest man on Mars.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell (#6.12)" (1993)
Joel: "Mitchell". Even his NAME says "Is that a beer?"

Joel: Hey, wasn't John Saxon supposed to be in this movie?

Joel: [as Mitchell] Stop, or my heart will explode!

Tom Servo: [gasping] They arrested Harlan Ellison.
Joel: Good.

Joel: I love pulling my gun when I come home! Scares my cats half to death!

[watching the end of 'Mitchell']
Crow T. Robot: You know, at this stage in any killing spree, you really ought to turn the gun on yourself.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [chanting] Turn it! Turn it! Turn it! Turn it!
Joel: Hey! Hey!

Joel: Hey! It's one of the kids from Fame!
Tom Servo: Which one?
Joel: Any of 'em.

Joel: It's not often you see Johnny Mathis in the wild.

Joel: [as Mitchell] Oh shoot, a door! I didn't plan on this.

Joel: Oh thank goodness they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.

Joel: [Mitchell wears an ugly plaid coat] Can we get some more volume on that jacket please?

Gallano: You really think so?
Joel: I'm turning Japanese.

Greta: He sleeps with me, then busts me.
Joel: First things first.

Joel: [reading scrolling title sequence] What is that, what does it say, mittens?
Joel: Joe Don Baker *is* Mittens...
Crow T. Robot: He's a cop!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Lost Continent (#3.8)" (1990)
Joel: That was the nineteen-fifty-one classic "Lost Continent". Interestingly enough, EP Robert Lippert found that he could extend the length of his film by adding meaningless, poorly contrived and blocked walking sequences, or in the case of today's film, mind-numbingly excessive mountain-climbing scenes. He called the device "padding" and as you know, padding has become a staple of movies ever since. Now this.
Tom Servo: Cesar Romero, whom many of you will recognize from the "Batman" TV series of the late sixties, and who was thought to be a spy, was originally to play the role that eventually went to Hugh Beaumont. Director Sam Newfield said, "Cesar just isn't bland enough." We'll be right back.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Director Newfeld, known nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to his dog with a fork. Uh, we'll be right back.

[Upon seeing the title of "Lost Continent"]
Joel: "Lost Continent"? Well, I lost my keys before, but this is ridiculous.

Joel: Who are you? Where are we? Can we get a frame of reference or something, *please*?

Joel: He climbed through to the ionosphere! Is that legal?

Hugh Beaumont: Hello boys.
Joel: Hugh Beaumont?
Hugh Beaumont: Oh come on, call me 'Dad'.
Joel: Gee sir, I mean Dad, what are you doing here?
Hugh Beaumont: Well you see boys, I'm one of the four horsemen of the apoclalyse and I come bearing a message of unholy death.
Joel: Huh?
Hugh Beaumont: That's right, I'm really going to give you the business, destroy you, your world, and all that you know. But first, a stern talking-to. You know, you shouldn't be so hard on that movie. A lot of people worked quite hard to bring that movie to you.
Crow T. Robot: Gee, I guess we shouldn't be so quick to judge others then, huh.
Hugh Beaumont: That's right, Crow.
Crow T. Robot: He bought it, what a jerk!

Joel: Remember the rule, people, if you don't understand it, just shoot it.

Joel: I'm gonna climb up and into Lincoln's nose.

Joel: This is only for conversation, but if you were to eat a human body, where would you start?

Crow T. Robot: Got a match?
Joel: Yeah, my butt, your face.

Joel: Hey, check it out, graffiti from the Donner Party.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Hellcats (#3.9)" (1990)
Joel: That was a guy.
Crow T. Robot: No, it wasn't.
Joel: It was too!
Crow T. Robot: Was not!
Tom Servo: Was not was! There! I made a meaningless pop culture reference! Now, knock it off!

Crow T. Robot: Joel, what are these films trying to teach us about life?
Joel: Well, I guess they're trying to say that we're born, and then we die, and there's lots of padding in between.

Joel: [speaking for a character] Thought you might need help padding up the last ten minutes of the film.

Joel: [speaking for a character in a phony fight scene] Next time I connect.

Joel: [as the movie goes back and forth between slow-paced scenes] These cuts are making my pulse race.

Joel: [speaking for the actor punching the director-star] That's for putting me in the movie!

[first lines]
Joel: [with a bad cold] Hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Uh, we'll be right back.

Tom Servo: Oh, smart. They're in the middle of nowhere, but they make their drug deal out in the open by the side of the road while a car passes by.
Joel: Why do you think they call it dope?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Cave Dwellers (#4.1)" (1991)
Tom Servo: Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate!
Crow T. Robot: I'll what?
Tom Servo: You'll show 'em.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the Foster Grants? IT'S OG!
Joel: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Dr. Forrester, Frank: What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL!
Frank: Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly, Frank. Push the Button.
Frank: Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now.
Dr. Forrester: Would you just push the button?
Frank: I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you.

Joel: How much Keefe is in this movie anyway?
Tom Servo: Miles O' Keefe.

Joel: [Ator and Co. are under attack from invisible enemies] Oh I don't believe it, they were too cheap to hire villains!

Joel: Uh-oh. The fog's starting to obscure the action.
Crow T. Robot: What action?

Joel: [explaining his invention, a literal smoking jacket] Everyone loves tar, sure, who doesn't?

Joel: Wait, why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, because she's got an arrow in her chest.
Joel: Oh I can see... huh?

Joel: [During a close-up on Ator] It's the Wangooooo zee Tangoooooo!

Tom Servo: Stately Wayne Manor...
Crow T. Robot: What's a Wayne Manor?
Joel: Oh that's where Batman lived before he became the Dark Knight in those comic books.
Tom Servo: They're not comic books, they're *graphic novels*.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Fire Maidens of Outer Space (#5.16)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: Stay on the left! On the left! Dickweed!
Tom Servo: Let's get you right out to the suburbs where it's safe.
Joel Robinson: What, are they driving to Scotland?

Astronaut: It's a code of some sort.
Joel Robinson: It's from the director, it says... Slow Down.

Joel Robinson: [as a tree] How'd ya like it if I picked YOUR apples?

Joel Robinson: The message is 'Hot, steamin' love; Texas-style.

Joel Robinson: [as Hestia] Thanks for hurling that gas bomb at me!

Joel Robinson: I've got a headache this big, and it's got Cy Roth written all over it.

Joel Robinson: [as Dr. Blair] I'm going to call it Planet Me.

Joel Robinson: [the Fire Maidens slowly wave goodbye] Goodbye... thanks for the valium...


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Against the Moon Men (#5.10)" (1992)
Joel Robinson: [watching Hercules ride along] Oh, he took the good tablecloth.

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [watching the rock men close in on Samara] We will, we will rock you.

Joel Robinson: Hey, Herc. James Brolin wants his beard back.

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [singing] Herculeeeees! Herculaaaaa! Herculeeeees! Hercula-ha-ha-ha! Herculeees! Herculaaa! My backpacks filled with pecks!

Joel Robinson: [during the horrendously long sandstorm scene] These are the outtakes of "From Here to Eternity."
Tom Servo: No, Joel. This is just "Eternity".

[as Hercules smugly beats up a bunch of baddies]
Joel Robinson: [singing] I enjoy being a guy!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills (#6.10)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: First thing I'm gonna do is buy me a montage!

Joel Robinson: Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.

Joel Robinson: It's a deadly game of cat and mouse except... with a... dog... and a man.

Narrator: Many girls find this helpful in removing cosmetics
Joel Robinson: Many are just plain wrong.

Narrator: And so the end to a perfect day:
Joel Robinson: An entire day spent grooming.

Narrator: The love of a dog... for one man.
Joel Robinson: It won't work.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera (#4.2)" (1991)
Joel Robinson: Doesn't he kinda look like Godzilla with a backpack on?

[Kenny claims that Gamera is good in spite of the destruction he's caused]
Joel Robinson: What he's done today has been a benefit to all of us.

Joel Robinson: What is it that you hate so much about Kenny?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, he's a child of priviledge and the whole world revolves around him and stuff and he can walk into a restricted maximum security military situation and they treat him like an adult just because he befriended a stupid old turtle.
Tom Servo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he never gets into trouble even though his friendship with Gamera is causing the death of *millions*. And he skips school whenever he wants to. And he never so much as gets sent to his room.

Narrator: The city is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel Robinson: Kenny, however, is free to move about.

Joel Robinson: Kids go running for the rich taste of Gamera.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (#4.21)" (1991)
[Joel and the bots sing "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas."]
Tom Servo: [singing] Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
Crow T. Robot: [singing] We'll gather at the roadhouse with our next of kin.
Joel Robinson: [singing] And Santa will be our regular Saturday night thing.
Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson: [singing] We'll decorate our barstools and gather 'round and sing.
Tom Servo: [singing] Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year.
Crow T. Robot: [singing] Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear.

Santa Claus: We're going out the good ol' fashioned way with my reindeers!
Joel Robinson: Guns a-blazin'!
Santa Claus: Prancer and Dancer and Donder and Blitzen, and Vixen and Nixon!
Tom Servo: Eh, yeah, so, what's in the pipe, Santa?

Joel: What do you want for Christmas, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

Martian: What is Christmas?
Joel: It's a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye (#2.1)" (1989)
Joel: Well, I guess it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us again.
Dr. Forrester: I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you squinty-eyed space chimp!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Uh, Clay...
Dr. Forrester: What?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It is time.
Dr. Forrester: Oh. Yeah, I...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Nice insult though.
Dr. Forrester: I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stinkburger of a film this week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye."

Tom Servo: [asked to say a good and bag thing about the crawling eye] All right. Okay, let's see. The good thing was that we didn't have to watch them clean up the vitreous humour all over from the eyes exploding. Okay, imagine, you sign up that day for Kelly Temps - Trollenberg office, of course. They give you a leaky bucket and a turkey baster and send you up the mountain... Now you're on cleanup crew!
Joel: And the bad thing?
Tom Servo: Well, the bad thing was, uh, the movie? It was ambitious, but it lacked vision.

Joel: [speaking as the mountain as Anne Pilgrim stares blankly at it from the train] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.

Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (#5.3)" (1992)
Joel Robinson: Hey I found Ed Begley Jr.! Can I keep 'im?

Joel Robinson: [sees copyright information on screen] Aw darn, it's copyrighted.

Joel Robinson: It's like he wants to order a pizza... but doesn't dare.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People (#4.3)" (1991)
Joel: Oh, great, we were saved by the Gates of Hell.
Tom Servo: Say, what is it about the Gates of Hell that makes people want to wander into them?

Joel: Pod People got no reason to live.

Joel: Trumpy, you can do stupid things!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: King Dinosaur (#3.10)" (1990)
Joel Robinson: Hey look, it's Woodstock. Three days of peace, love, and stock footage.

Joel Robinson: You know, Tom, if you're looking for plausibility in this film, you won't find it here friend.

[Ralph shoots at a giant ant as a frightened Nora looks on]
Joel Robinson: I'm dealing with it. I got it. I got it, honey.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Rebel Set (#5.19)" (1992)
Joel: [as trapeze artists are shown riding bicycles along a tight-rope] Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

Joel: As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on... "
Tom Servo: Booooo-ring! Boring!
Joel: Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me!
Magic Voice: Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, c'mon!
Joel: Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called?
Joel: Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!"
Joel: [the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.
Joel: [they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe."
Tom Servo: NOT THE RECIPE!
Joel: 3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup."
Tom Servo: The horror, the horror.

Joel: "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."
Crow T. Robot: Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!
Tom Servo: No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?
Joel: "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!"
[the bots scream in terror]
Joel: Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.
Dr. Forrester: That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Godzilla vs. Megalon (#3.12)" (1991)
[first lines]
Joel Robinson: Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love. And on today's show we're going to show you how to keep those holiday goiters to a minimum. The secret: ordinary table salt.

Joel Robinson: Action sequences filmed in Confuse-O-Vision!

Crow T. Robot: He's got a tree. He's got a tree. This isn't the Godzilla we know.
Joel: Hertz, don't it?
Tom Servo: A tree? That's not like you. Why, Godzilla? Why?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Wild Rebels (#3.7)" (1990)
Tom Servo: Gosh, Joel, that biker guy sure is sleazy, but boy, what a vocabulary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's quite eloquent for a piece of lowlife scum.
Joel: Oh, well, you guys might be surprised to find out that a lot of the great thinkers of this century actually rode in motorcycle gangs. In fact, I've got a few drawings...
Crow T. Robot: Oh, don't tell me, you've prepared a presentation using artists' renderings.
Joel: Right. You know, you read me like a book. And anyone who reads a lot of books will know who the Algonquin Round Table was.
Tom Servo: Well, of course! Alexander Wolcott, George S. Kaufman, Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker...
Joel: Right! Well, I've got this drawing here... bring it in a little bit, Cambot. Here's the group, here's their gang. It's called "Satan's Sardonics." Now, these guys terrorized the whole East Coast until one day they were unexpectedly wiped out in a rumble with the cast of "What's My Line?"
Crow T. Robot: Wow, I guess that Bennett Cerf is tougher than people thought!
Joel: Yeah! Now, when you think of a tough, macho writer who writes in a tense, hard-boiled style, who do you think of?
Tom Servo: Uh... Truman Capote?
Joel: Exactly! See? His gang, "Oscar's Wilde Ones" - they were leather boys - were all the rage until Norman Mailer's gang, "Hell's Egos," mixed it up with Gore Vidal's gang, "The Vidal Sassoons."
Crow T. Robot: Boy, sounds pretty messy! "If they don't look good, we don't look good!"
Joel: Yeah, there was gel and mousse for miles around. The carnage didn't end until they all joined forces and finally beat up... Dick Cavett.

[after Linda points a gun at the gun shop owner]
Joel: [as Linda] Ahem, I'd like to return these bullets to their original owner.

Joel: We'll be right back after this important message. Hey, kids!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: [commercial jingle starts] We're Wiiiiild Rebels! Crunchy, fruity rebels! Pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun!
Joel: It's Wild Rebels Cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like getting hit in back of the head with a surfboard of flavor!
Tom Servo: Look! Marshmallow Fattys!
Crow T. Robot: Sugary Lindas!
Joel: I got tangy, twangy Banjos!
Tom Servo: Crunchy oat Rods!
Crow T. Robot: And Jeeters, too! Die, Jeeter, die!
Magic Voice: [music stops] Kids? What are you doing in there?
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: Having a good breakfast, mom.
Tom Servo: [music starts again] Pour on the milk! One, two! One, two, three, four!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: Wiiiild Rebels! Bunchy, crunchy rebels! Don't bust your teeth on something sweet and hard!
Joel: Wild Rebels Cereal, part of this complete breakfast.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, there's a cheap surprise inside!
Joel: I got a gun!
Tom Servo: I got a sawed-off pool cue with a leather strap!
Crow T. Robot: I got a chunk of hose filled with lead shot!
Tom Servo: All right, let's take it home!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: They won't get soft or squishy! Better eat 'em, or you're a sissy! Just pound 'em down, you stupid clown, they're WIIIIILD!
Joel: Wild Rebels Cereal. Just eat 'em.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Bride of the Monster (#5.23)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: And they had the same front room as Bewitched.

Joel Robinson: It's an American in Cleveland.

[upon seeing the title of the short 'Hired']
Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?
Crow T. Robot: That's not something you heard much during the Bush administration.
Tom Servo: The sequel is 'Hired 2: Laid Off.'


Mystery Science Theater 3000: Shorts (1998) (V)
[in "Why Study Industrial Arts?"]
Joel Robinson: You know, it's fun to have an idea.
Mike Nelson: There, wasn't that fun?

[in "Why Study Industrial Arts?"]
Joel Robinson: You know, I like the feel of a board moving moving slowly against the cutter...
Mike Nelson: Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood.
Joel Robinson: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and saw dust...
Crow T. Robot: I put them in my underwear... uh, oh.
Joel Robinson: The bright glare of a welder...
Tom Servo: I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw.
Joel Robinson: The sharp whine of a power tool...
Mike Nelson: The piercing scream of a freshman.
Joel Robinson: Or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Tom Servo: Tap, tap tap, I keep Popular Mechanix under my mattress! Ha ha ha!
Joel Robinson: A saw...
Crow T. Robot: Building a chafe with no pants... uh, oh.
Joel Robinson: A wrench...
Mike Nelson: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago. It's *over*!
Joel Robinson: A plane...
Tom Servo: These tools are my friends!
Joel Robinson: Or a chisel.
Crow T. Robot: What about *girls*, young man, *girls*?
Tom Servo: Nope. Chisels.

Narattor: Watch out - That ground is awful hard.
Joel Robinson: Life is awful hard.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Robot Holocaust (#2.9)" (1990)
[first lines]
Joel Robinson: Hey, everybody, my name's Joel. I'm marooned up here in outer space. I'm all alone, except for the companionship of my two robot friends that I... are of my own design. There are two evil overlord scientists that are sending me horrendous films, but I can handle it because I'm a Hu-Man!

Joel Robinson: [watching two men in space helmets] Which one of us is talking?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Green Slime (#1.0)" (1988)
[during a host segment]
Joel: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: I found the secret of the life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
Joel: It was on 8-track.

Joel: [watching "The Green Smile"] Y'know it's interesting that this - ah - film was made the same year as "2001: A Space Odyssey".


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Gila Monster (#5.2)" (1992)
Joel: [a man sings to his little sister] She's trying to wish him into the cornfield right now.

Chase Winstead: It's the Sheriff. If there's been a wreck I get a tow job out of it.
Joel: Oh wow...


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (#6.7)" (1993)
Joel: "I Accuse My Parents" was brought to you by Boone's Farm.

[during the short about "truck farming"]
Joel: Praise the Truck Farmer! Bow down to him!
Crow T. Robot: Worship the Truck Farmer, at the church of your choice.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Beatniks (#5.15)" (1992)
Eddy Crane: You call that singing? That was nothing.
Joel Robinson: I was belching.

Eddy Crane: [singing] Anything is better...
Joel Robinson: [singing along] ... than this crap...


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Warrior of the Lost World (#6.1)" (1993)
Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Attica! Attica! Attica!

[Reading Robert Ginty's name in the credits]
Joel Robinson: He's the Ginty-est!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Indestructible Man (#5.9)" (1992)
Tom Servo: [as Charles Benton] I've gotta take a big indestructible wizz.
Joel Robinson: [appalled] Oh, that is tasteless.

Joel Robinson: [movie shows shots of police cars with sirens on] Attention, be on the look out for doughnuts!
Tom Servo: Oh come on, Joel. That's really *lame*.
Joel Robinson: Oh, whatever you say, Tom "I've got to take an indestructible wizz" Servo.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (#2.2)" (1989)
Joel: You can see they're a more advanced civilization: their furniture doesn't break. Well, it tips over, but it doesn't break.

Joel: I didn't know Billy Barty was in this.
Crow: He's got a small part.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! (#6.6)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: [Eegah begins pawing at Roxy's hair in a manner similar to Torgo's in "Manos"] Oh, no! He's gone to the Torgo school of fondling!

Joel Robinson: [Eegah breaks into Roxy's home and scopes out the living room] Hey! Check it out! There's an oven in the living room!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Amazing Colossal Man (#4.9)" (1991)
Tom Servo: Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen?
Glen Manning: Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second.
[picks up a cow and eats it]
Glen Manning: You know, I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But, no... you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore! Vegas! Blackballed... can't get in...
Tom Servo: Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen!
Glen Manning: You think I'm a freak, don't you!
[grab and rocks the sattelite]
Tom Servo: Uh-oh.
Crow T. Robot: Way to go Servo!
Joel Robinson: Oh, everyone hold on to something!
Glen Manning: That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak, don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the circus freak! Hahaha!

Tom Servo: Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen?
Glen the amazing collosal man: Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second.
[picks up a cow and eats it]
Glen the amazing collosal man: You know, I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But, no... you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore! Vegas! Blackballed... can't get in...
Tom Servo: Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen!
Glen the amazing collosal man: You think I'm a freak, don't you!
[grab and rocks the sattelite]
Tom Servo: Uh-oh.
Crow T. Robot: Way to go Servo!
Joel: Oh, everyone hold on to something!
Glen the amazing collosal man: That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak, don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the circus freak! Hahaha!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Manhunt in Space (#5.13)" (1992)
[Joel and Crow are discussing color vs. black and white.]
Joel Robinson: And what do you think, Tom Servo?
Tom Servo: Um, about what?
Joel Robinson: About how some of our movies are in color and some are in black and white.
Tom Servo: I'm not sure I understand the question.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, come on! Movie A: color. Movie B: black and white.
Tom Servo: Look, we can't all notice the same subtleties!
Crow T. Robot: Subtleties? Why, I...
Joel Robinson: Hold on, Crow. Tom, what color is my jumpsuit?
Tom Servo: Red.
Joel Robinson: And what color is Crow?
Tom Servo: Red.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in five, four, three, two. What color is Dr. Forrester?
Tom Servo: Red. What about it?
Joel Robinson: We'll be right back. I think I see what the problem is.

[a small, rocky planet is seen.]
Tom Servo: Hey, it's the MST3K logo!
Joel Robinson: [whispering] We're not supposed to know about that!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sidehackers (#3.2)" (1990)
Joel: Well, you guys gotta understand, it's really hard to get a new sport going. It's hard to get the recognition that other sports enjoy. Can you name a few?
Tom Servo: Uh, kickboxing from the Philippines... uh, tape measure racing...
Crow T. Robot: And, uh, computations, and Australian rules football.
Joel: Right, and what do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, a rudimentary interest factor?
Tom Servo: A sense of fair play?
Crow T. Robot: A small measure of self-esteem?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Joel: Right, these are all really good answers, but the thing I was looking for was terminology. It's impossible to have play-by-play or color commentary without it! So, let's put our heads together and come up with some terminology that really showcases some of the really exciting moves in our sport, sidehacking. Cambot, roll that footage.
Crow T. Robot: [footage plays, the next lines are voice over] It looks like the Wesley Brothers out of John Harding starting things briskly with the Fuller Brush Man in a Rumplestiltskin follow-through with a Teenage Coed Prison!
Tom Servo: Out of Wausau, representing Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch performing the now famous Yank Me Crank Me!
Joel: That bright young team, the Allentown Poodles, with their rendition of the Swirly - Oh no, could that have been the Gunkout, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: Thanks, Joel. I think that was more of a Spinning Love Funnel from those fresh-faced kids of Kankakee Community College...
Tom Servo: Oh my goodness, it's a lineback, a slowburn and a hop, skip and a gold flame with a Fintoozler and an Itchy Gorilla! AN ITCHY GORILLA!
Joel: Uh oh, here comes the Big Blue Flamer, followed by Teatime Richard Scarry, the Full Tilt Bozo, Crazy and Just Plain Stupid!
Crow T. Robot: It's an exciting day, indeed, here at Japanese War Atrocity Park and Pavillion-On-The-Park, but - what's this? Is that the antiquated old papa Baba O'Riley attempting the Teenage Wasteland on the hey-de-hi-de-ho side of the track?
Tom Servo: From the darker side of the street come the Cap Snaffler, Maynard and Eleanor, Casey's Rolling Pizza and Just Imagine!
Joel: Meet you on the dark side of the moon, it's the Ghostly Trio, followed by No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme and Death by Chocolate!
Crow T. Robot: Uh-oh, hold onto your epidermis! It's Deputy Dawg and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers of Fortune attempting the oft-copied Leaky Cheese!
Tom Servo: Shake me, don't wake me, Crow... Looks like Bad Man and the Costumed Critters of Death are going crinkle-cut and somebody's got to pay... but, uh-oh! Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Strange and the Bad Man and Joe screaming "Hey world, check me out!"
Joel: Hand me a Hoover, it's Raspberry Commie, the Fruitful Snootful and Hickory Dickory Die attempting a Butterscotch Push with a Frontie-frontie-frontie!
Crow T. Robot: Ho ho ho! Is that Go-Go the Gorilla with Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes with Starchy Cock-of-the-Walk in their Fintoozler? There's Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl in the George Barris custom show rod, bravely attempting the Big Buy with a Tommy Tune on the side!
Tom Servo: I gotta correct you on that, Crow, I think he's attempting a Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen - Uh-oh! That means he'll be disqualified and slapped with a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich! That could be a problem for our Quentin Crisp, who's expected to deliver a Fighting Aranovich Brother or a God Your Helmet Smells Good...
Joel: Uh-oh! Here comes Nutsy, the Sidehacking Clown, performing his famous Tension Envelope routine! Don't get too close, 'cuz remember, kids, he who smelt it, dealt it... Let's give him a round of applause as we all pardon his blooper!
Crow T. Robot: Well, it's been a big day with plenty of sheer gut blow-outs, Juicy Lucies and a Woozle whose name was Peanut... This is Crow and Joel and Tom Servo in the pit.

Luke: Have you ever seen me so happy?
Joel: [as Rommel] Yeah, but you didn't know I was watching you.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl in Lovers' Lane (#6.9)" (1993)
Danny Winslow: I'm Danny. Danny Winslow. What's your name?
Bix Dugan: [mumbling] Bix Dugan.
Joel: Big Stupid?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teenagers from Outer Space (#5.4)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: You know Joel, that old grandpa guy sure was nice to the teenager from outer space by letting him stay in the apartment without having him pay a rent until he got work. A real life Landlord would never do that.
Tom Servo: Why yes, things that happen in the movies are different from what happens in real life.
Joel: Right tom, so from our "Look at the Lighter Side Department," we'd like to introduce a new segment called Reel to Real. Check it out, move aside, guys. In reel life...
Tom Servo: You are offered free room and board until you can pay off your rent.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: If your are late with one payment, your room is padlocked, and you end up living in a refridgerator box.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: Your roomate is a beautiful woman, who fills your life with afternoon swims, moonlit drives, and the promise of romance.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: Your roomate is a stinky high school dropout, who fills your life with lice, crusty socks, and burnt cans of spaghettio's.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: Your landlord is a rosy-cheeked, cheerful old man.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: Your landlord is a butane addict, who sneaks into your room, and searches through your underwear drawer.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.


Mr. B's Lost Shorts (2001) (V)
Joel Robinson: Let me out! Attica! Attica!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes (#2.4)" (1989)
[Fake wedding begins. Tom and Crow start to sob]
Joel Hodgson: Hey, come on. It's not a real wedding, you guys. Don't cry.
Crow T. Robot: We know. It's the script that's upsetting us.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Unearthly (#4.20)" (1991)
[while watching Tor Johnson in "The Unearthly"]
Lobo: Time for go to bed!
Joel: Well said!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja I (#4.22)" (1992)
[two cars are shown "jumping" down a hill]
Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: FLUBBER! FLUBBER!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the Giant Leeches (#5.6)" (1992)
Crash Corrigan: We're being dragged down by some mysterious force.
Joel Robinson: The plot?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Zigra (#1.7)" (1988)
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-Boy-Toy, is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, what's that sir?
Dr. Erhardt: Nobody can hear you laugh?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Rocketship X-M (#3.1)" (1990)
Lisa Van Horn: [looking out porthole at Earth] You know it's funny. One never thinks of the Earth that way, as a dying planet with nothing to give out but reflected light.
Joel Robinson: Oh that is romantic. Think I'll go slit my wrists.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teenage Caveman (#4.15)" (1991)
[watching the grotesquely inhumane short "Catching Trouble"]
Crow T. Robot: Joel, do people do this on Earth?
Tom Servo: Yeah, Joel, isn't this wrong?
Joel: Yeah, guys. I'm really ashamed of my race right now.
[Joel turns to the viewers at home]
Joel: We'd just like to apologize to everyone everywhere for this...


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Unchained (#5.8)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson, Tom Servo: Attica! Attica! Attica!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gunslinger (#6.11)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: [a shot lingers on a building accidentally catching two people on horses unmotivated in view] Uh, cue the horses!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (#3.13)" (1991)
Joel: You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, no.
Joel: Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right?
Tom Servo: Uh, huh.
Joel: Leave it at that.
Crow T. Robot: Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today.
Tom Servo: Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner.
[both laugh, then Mothra appears in the Hexfield]
Tom Servo: Whoa, it's Mothra! Whoa!
Mothra: Hi, kids. What can I do for ya?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater!
Tom Servo: Yikes!
Mothra: Saaay, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but - You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations - which I like, don't get me wrong - they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me.
Crow T. Robot: We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cacooning?
Mothra: Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you really lay eggs?
Mothra: Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the difference is between "Thicke of the Night" and the Titanic?
Tom Servo: I'll bite... I don't know.
Mothra: The Titanic had entertainment.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: First Spaceship on Venus (#3.11)" (1990)
Tom Servo: I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer.
Joel: [using screwdriver on back of Tom's dome] That ought to do it.
Tom Servo: Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooooh, sign me up for that!
Crow: I think it's working.
Tom Servo: The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh...
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
Tom Servo: Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those!
Joel: Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now.
Tom Servo: Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet.
Crow: You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think.
Joel: Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora?
Tom Servo: Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a clichÈ. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys.
Joel: Okay, well, what about... ummm... Dan Quayle?
Tom Servo: Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy.
Joel: I'm not even gonna mention Gallagher, then.
Tom Servo: Ooooooooooooh, he is my absolute all-time favorite! Oh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed all over you? Oh, give me more of that. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of Annotated Shakespeare for a tape of "Melon Crazy"? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Time of the Apes (#4.6)" (1991)
[the movie's characters are coughing in a smoke-filled cave]
Joel Robinson: [stoner voice] Oh man, that's good weed.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Swamp Diamonds (#6.3)" (1993)
[first lines]
Joel Robinson: [to Crow and Tom Servo] Oh, what are you guys doing? You're supposed to be helping me crunch numbers for that navigational plot thing.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules and the Captive Women (#5.12)" (1992)
Joel Robinson: Oh he's a karma chameleon. They come and go.
Tom Servo: They come and go.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera (#1.5)" (1988)
[the episode opens with Crow in a cryogenic chamber]
Crow T. Robot: Hi, folks. Welcome to the Satellite of... Love. Say, uh, Tom, what's with the Crow-in-the-box?
Joel: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's temperature down to absolute zero! Woohoo!
Crow T. Robot: Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It could start a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Joel: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on a pair of thermal gloves and opens the cryogenic chamber]
Crow T. Robot: Hang on, Crow! Don't worry! I got ya!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and Crow shatters]
Joel: Good one, Joel!
Crow T. Robot: Oops. We'll be right back.
Joel: I'm not putting him back together, either.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja II (#4.24)" (1992)
Webster: This is a small town. We take care of our people.
The Master: I don't think the lady wants you to take care of her.
Crow T. Robot: [as the Master] That's why the lady is a tramp.
Webster: Hey, you got a hearing problem, old man?
The Master: My hearing is excellent.
Joel Robinson: [as the Master] Because I have the Whisper 2000.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Magic Sword (#5.11)" (1992)
Joel Robinson: Endora!


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Monster A-Go-Go (#5.21)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: [after the infamous "person-imitating a telephone ring"] Unbelievable.


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Mad Monster (#2.3)" (1989)
Joel: Uh, sirs, I think that's the end of the experiment this week. I hope you're pleased.
Dr. Forrester: [referring to end of movie] Of course we're not pleased. Can't you see a mad scientist has just died?


"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Barugon (#4.4)" (1991)
[a boat sails past the camera]
Joel Robinson: Hey, it's "Funny Girl" and there's Barbara Streisand.
[a second boat sails by]
Crow T. Robot: McHale!