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Quotes for
Joel Robinson (Character)
from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)
[repeated line]
Joel: What do you think, sirs?

Joel: Uh, genocide has a "C" in it.

Joel: Uh, suicide has a 'U' in it, sir.

Joel: If you don't understand it, shoot it.

Doomsday Satellite: Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.
Crow T. Robot: Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!
Joel: It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.
Tom Servo: Try ego!
Crow T. Robot: Sideburns!
Joel: I'll try "I, Robot."
Doomsday Satellite: [buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.
Joel, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot: [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop] Huh?
Joel: This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!
Crow T. Robot: Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?
Tom Servo: Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!
Joel: This is TERRIBLE guys.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.

Michael: See? You're feeling better already.
Joel: Rolling in the filthill do that for you

Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, What's that, sir?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: That no one can hear you laugh!
[manically laughs]
Joel: Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
Dr. Forrester: Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating.
[cut to video footage]
Russian Comedian: [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine
Russian Comedian: How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts
[Puts down hand, chuckles some more]
Russian Comedian: thank you so much...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
Joel: Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
Dr. Forrester: Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !
Joel: Really?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies.
[evil laugh]
Crow T. Robot: What a couple of dick weeds!
Joel: Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.
Tom Servo: Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies
[Picks up a stack of tapes]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!


Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. Forrester: And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester: Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester: Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well done.
Dr. Forrester: Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.
Dr. Forrester: Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: This is beautiful!
Dr. Forrester: Yup. Yeah, well.
Dr. Forrester: Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?
Joel: Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?
Dr. Forrester: Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We just write it off as gas.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.

Crow T. Robot: Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer.
Joel: And a bad thing?
Crow T. Robot: It was this long.

Tom Servo: Why do we have to pray for the mads?
Joel: Well, I think they're watching and they control my oxygen.
Dr. Forrester: We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us!

Joel: Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why?
Tom Servo: Why?
Joel: 'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty.
Tom Servo: Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places?
Joel: No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay?
Tom Servo: Will it hurt?
Joel: Of course not.
Tom Servo: Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all.
Joel: think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We've gotta talk!
Dr. Forrester: I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'll change!
Dr. Forrester: Well then, change, damn you!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I've changed.
Dr. Forrester: Not that quickly. It doesn't count.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.
Dr. Forrester: Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!
Joel: Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?
Dr. Forrester: How long have you been listening?
Joel: Well, since Thursday.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thurs- My casserole!

Joel: Iowa State College... the high school after high school.

Servo: Macho, macho, macho robot. There's no question I'm a macho guy. Hey! Whoa, excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the satellite before. Hahaha. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. Sure, I may look small, but I'm built like a Quisinar. Really. You know, don't think me forward miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got 11 settings. You know, you're kinda quiet, and I like that in a woman! Too many of the gals I've known just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me and... Which is okay, I guess, but I need a change. I need a woman more my speed and I happened to notice, you've got 11 of 'em. Wait, I must've offended you. You're blushing! No? That's juice, I think. You know, I've always found juice in the head to be quite a turn-on, my little scientific calculator, you. Hahahaha. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole for the hell of it? If you're the kinda girl who throws caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, will you please tell me? Hahahaha. Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! An old-fashioned gal. I like that. I like a good tail on a woman. Hahahaha. Pardon me, I know I've been coming on a little bit strong, but I love your lines. You've got classic features! Crush, grate, chop, puree... Baby, you've got it all! Haha. Excu- And a lovely singing voice, too! Baby, you do got it all! Joel, I'm in love! Buddy...
Joel: What do you mean, Servo?
Servo: Joel, Joel... My God, man! You've defiled my honor! Nobody drinks from my gal. The gall has been thrown!
Joel: Hey uh, Servo, it's a blender.
Servo: Oh. Excuse me, miss. You know, you've got beautiful... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee. I'm so embarassed!

Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...
Joel: Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...
Crow T. Robot: Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...
Tom Servo: Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...
Joel: Huh?
Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Um... well, hilarity, anyway.

Joel: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow T. Robot: You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!
Joel: Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Tom Servo: C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!
Joel: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
Joel: The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow T. Robot: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
Joel: Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Tom Servo: Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...
Crow T. Robot: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Tom Servo: And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow T. Robot: Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Tom Servo: There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow T. Robot: But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!
Tom Servo: Well you put him on a boat and he is!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?
Crow T. Robot: Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.
Tom Servo: Huh.
Joel: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...
Crow T. Robot: No, you don't suppose?
Tom Servo: Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!
Joel, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!

Joel: Visit beautiful Ground Zero.

Joel: Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo? You look about as upset and downtrodden as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look.

[Main character in movie gets attacked by invisible enemy]
Joel: Oh look, they were too cheap to hire villains.

Joel: Ice cream. I LOVE THIS PARTY.

Tom Servo: So, we're about a half-hour into the movie?
Joel: No, actually it's only about a minute.
Tom Servo: No.

Joel: Oh, let me get a pencil, I wanna write THAT one down.

Joel: Why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Because she got an arrow in her chest.

Joel: Ooh its so nice to have a patio that you can murder people on. It's so easy to hose off.

Joel: I'd love an open sewer.

Narrator: Watch out, that ground is awful hard.
Joel: Life is awful hard.

Crow T. Robot: A brain the size of a walnut.
Joel: The dinosaur?
Crow T. Robot: No, the director.

Joel: Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.

CIA director: [sending a spy on a mission] I don't have to tell you that, if you're caught, we'll have to say we've never heard of you.
Joel: It'll be as if you were on the "Thicke of the Night" show.

[a film shows people skiing]
Narrator: Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Narrator: ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah? Well you're full of skit.

Joel: By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.

Crow T. Robot: That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?
Tom Servo: Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!
Joel: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Tom Servo: Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?
Joel: Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.
Tom Servo: I hardly think that's possible.
Joel: Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right.

Joel: We're on a collision course with wackiness.

[Little boy rides away]
Driver: Take Care.
Joel: Don't forget to ride towards traffic.

Joel: Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy.

Joel: He fell him like a mighty oak.

Joel: This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God could not've come at a worse time.

Joel: Try not get sucked into the vortex of hell.

Joel: Oh, how I loathe him.

Dr. Forrester: This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...
TV's Frank: Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...
TV's Frank: The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...
TV's Frank: Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?
Dr. Forrester: Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...
Joel: Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?
Tom Servo: Yeah, what do you get out of it?
TV's Frank: Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?
Dr. Forrester: No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?

Joel: It's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it.

Joel: Hey sirs, what's up?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.
Dr. Forrester: Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.

Joel: [exasperated] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something. Next time I make a robot, no more free will, okay?

Tom Servo: Let's recap the action so far.
Joel: Uh, nothing really.
Tom Servo: Okay, moving on.

Joel: Hey! I know you're an evil Hell-beast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids!

[during a low-angle shot of Miles O'Keefe]
Joel: I'M HUGE!

Joel: Look, it's special delivery man! And has he got a package...

Joel: [as a green monster attacks a girl] The swamp thing versus the sweet thaing.

Tom Servo: Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! Mommy! M-Mommy! M-Mommy! M-M-M!
Joel: [administering oxygen] Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one! Let's not do that again.

Crow T. Robot: Hooker's a good cop!
Joel: I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA!

Crow T. Robot: Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...
Tom Servo: Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...
Joel: Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.

Tom Servo: Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo: Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel: Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, so you burn it every night?
Joel: Oh, don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot: I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.
Tom Servo: Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!

Joel: We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
Crow T. Robot: But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.
Tom Servo: Dames like this always got beer around.
Joel: What?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Tom Servo: Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.
[Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares]
Tom Servo: Poe!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Ohhhhhhhh...

Joel: Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo!

Dr. Forrester: Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!
Dr. Forrester: I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!
Joel: That is so hateful.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thanks
Dr. Forrester: Thaaaaaannnnnk you.

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: What do you think Joelrini?
Joel: Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.

Joel: [on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!
TV's Frank: Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.

Joel: Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.
Tom Servo: What's a "doggie do"?
Crow T. Robot: What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...
Joel: Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.
Crow T. Robot: hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...

Boss: I always knew leadership was important dad, but I never thought about it n connection with my own business. But come Monday things will be different.
[we cut to a meeting on Monday]
Joel: We're going to have leadership the way my old man told me. You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!

Crow T. Robot: There's always a boring shot.
Joel: Yeah.
Tom Servo: My shorts are never boring.
Joel: Thank you, Tom.

Joel: Ok Gypsy, what's one plus one?
Gypsy: [Long pause] Richard Baseheart!

Crow T. Robot: [seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother.
Tom Servo: That was pathetic.
Joel: Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom Servo: Maybe for fiction!

Crow T. Robot: Joel? Joel?
Joel: Yeah Crow buddy?
Crow T. Robot: Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?
Tom Servo: They call me Mr Tibbs!
Gypsy: Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart!
Magic Voice: From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...
Joel: That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments.

Joel: [reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."
Crow T. Robot: 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!
Tom Servo: Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.
Joel: I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?
Tom Servo: D'oh!
TV's Frank: Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. Forrester: What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.
TV's Frank: Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?

Joel: Hey look guys, they're being followed by a movie?

Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

Joel: He thinks that ball's one of his pupils.

Joel: You can tell they're more advanced because their furniture doesn't break... It tips over but it doesn't break

Edward: It's about the aztec breastplate and bracelet, gentlemen
Joel: I put them on at night and dance.

Joel: Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours. Their use of stock footage is amazing.

Joel: They're like Klingons without the kling.

Joel: You know, you'd think if he was going to rule the world he'd choose a better spot than a cave.

Joel: Always get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power.

Joel: Don't trust a guy with a dumb crayola hat.

Joel: I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.

Joel: You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples.

Joel: Who are you? Where are we? Could we get a frame of reference or something. PLEASE?

Joel: Banjo, you're just strung too high.

Joel: Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer.
Crow T. Robot: That's not my tail.

Joel: They just watched a man get tongued to death

Joel: Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests any more. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the basement.

Joel: Boy, Gamera's gonna need an emissions test, pronto.

Joel: Help, I'm being whipped into housewares.

Joel: Lets go get some tuna safe dolphin

Joel: Even the Monster's badly dubbed.

Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?

Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.

Joel: This scene's so gross even the lighting guy left

Joel: The plot's starting to make sense, RUN.

Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

Joel: Go ahead, strip me of my dignity at age four.

Joel: I think this movie just broke the goofy-meter.

Joel: Why is he wearing a bath mat?

Joel: They're giddy with violence.

Joel: It's an army of Porto-potties.

Joel: I "have" performed surgery once before, and although the person didn't survive I feel confident.

Joel: Ambiguity is scary.

Tom Servo: This is the worst movie we've ever seen here.
Joel: Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: What about "Side Hackers"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Cave Dwellers"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Catalina Caper"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Pod people"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Hell Cats"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Joel: "Daddy-O"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocket Attack USA"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Earth vs. the Spider"?
Tom Servo: Oh, definitely worse!
Crow T. Robot: "Ring of Terror"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "It Conquered the World"?
Tom Servo: Uh... yeah, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Lost Continent"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.

Joel: "Moon Zero Two"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Time of the Apes"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Wild Rebels"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Stranded in Space"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "King Dinosaur"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Mighty Jack"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocketship X-M"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "The Unearthly"?
Tom Servo: [sounding more like Johnny Carson] Worse!
Joel: "Teenage Caveman"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "First Spaceship on Venus"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Joel: "Space Travelers"?

Tom Servo: Much worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Giant Gila Monster"?
Tom Servo: Oh, a whole lot worse.
Joel: "The Manchingo Coniglium"?
Tom Servo: Oh, huh?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!
Tom Servo: [pause] It's a ton worse.

Joel: "City Limits"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "War of the Colossal Beast"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Amazing Colossal Man"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Fugitive Alien"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Hmmm... "Fugitive Alien 2"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Uhh... "Master Ninja"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Oh really? "Gamera"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: Mmmm... "Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Zigra"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: ...vs. Baragon"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Guiron"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!
Tom Servo: OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!

Joel: ...Does this make me Mrs. Master of the earth?

Joel: [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device] Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.
Crow T. Robot: [scans for about a second] Got it!
Joel: Oh, brother...
Crow T. Robot: Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."
Joel: I *think* I got it...
Crow T. Robot: Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... "with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models."
Crow T. Robot: "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?
Joel: This is really confusing.
Tom Servo: Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... "Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... "
Joel: Okay, I think that oughtta do it...
[it sprays him with silly string]
Crow T. Robot: "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."

Joel: Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. Forrester: It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13!
Joel: Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. Forrester: We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile.

Son: I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you.
Dad: Nonsense.
Joel: He hated you.
Dad: Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired.
Crow T. Robot: He got sent to jail for it.

Joel: What? He kills him by waving a rusty tailpipe at his face?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (#5.24)" (1993)
[the Master confronts Torgo, who has just woken up. There is a long silence]
Joel: [yells] Do something! God!

Joel: Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, uh, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
[Crow pops up on a leash]
Joel: It's pretty scary.
Tom Servo: Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel: But, Tom, look!
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel! The cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Joel: Oh, c'mon. Look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Joel, uh, Tom's right. Um, um... It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel: W-what do you mean?
Crow T. Robot: Well, for one thing, your... your face is too friendly; uh, second, your eyebrows, they arc softly as opposed to jutting inward; and, well, frankly, Joel, you... blush in the most adorable way.
Joel: This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.

Joel: So, it's Manos...
Crow T. Robot: ...the Hands of Fate?
Joel: Yes.

Joel: What happened to the bright young Torgo I hired?

Joel: "Manos: The Hands of Fate" was filmed on location in a vacant lot.

Crow T. Robot: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film.
Joel: Oh, the mads wouldn't do this. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee it.

[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]
Joel: Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow T. Robot: Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?

[as the toga-wearing women wrestle in the desert in 'Manos: the Hands of Fate'... ]
Joel: Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling.
Crow T. Robot: Designing Women: The Lost Episodes.
Tom Servo: And now the Manos Women's Guide will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow T. Robot: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! Ha-ha.
Tom Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I LIKE it, but it isn't Lysistrata.
Joel: You know, after this, they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each other's ears.
Crow T. Robot: Yep. Yep. It's the Wilson Phillips break up.
Tom Servo: Kind of wish this was shirts versus skins.
Joel: Heeey!
Crow T. Robot: Heh-heh-heh. Oh...
Tom Servo: Hoo-hoo, zing!
Joel: [sings] Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
Crow T. Robot: [as the women continue wrestling] You know what this movie really needs?
Tom Servo: What's that?
Crow T. Robot: It's Mark Singer.
Joel: Oh, yeah.
Tom Servo: I'm guessin' THIS is the whole reason this movie was made, right here.
Joel: Pow! Boff! Smack!

Joel: [dressed in a Manos-like robe] Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN!
Tom Servo: Oh, hi, Joel.
Joel: [softly] Oh, come on, Tom. I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel!
Tom Servo: Well, you look like Maude.

The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!

The Master: You have failed and you must die!
Joel: [as Torgo] You can't kill me, I quit!
[the Master advances]
Tom Servo: [as Torgo] I'm... going to have to ask for my last paycheck right now, Sir
[the Master's advance continues]
Crow T. Robot: [as Torgo] What? What? Neh. Uh. N-n-n-n.

Joel: [as the master slowly awakens] Oh, man, I don't mind tellin' ya, my bladder has hit critical mass.

Joel: You know, uh, Torgo wobbles but he won't fall down.

Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.

Crow T. Robot: [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.
Joel: Hey, let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful,' huh?

Margaret: [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
Debbie, Tom Servo, Michael: [as Margaret sings "Merrily, merrily"... ] Row, row, row your boat...
Tom Servo: Come on, sing, sing, sing, damn it, sing!
Margaret, Debbie, Tom Servo, Michael, Joel, Crow T. Robot: [MST3K gang joining in] Row, row, row your boat...
Tom Servo: [maniacally] That's it, sing, "Down the Stream," yes!

[Torgo peeps in at Margaret as she undresses]
Joel: [to the 'bots] Oh, listen, you guys. That's it. This is not for your eyes. I don't care. Uh-uh.
Tom Servo: [excitedly as Joel covers his and Crow's eyes] What is it? What is it? What's going on, Joel?
Joel: Shame on you, Dr. Forrester. Have you no sense of decency?
Crow T. Robot: What? What? Is Torgo juggling?
Tom Servo: Joel, we can handle THIS.
Crow T. Robot: Ho-ho, it's the latest episode of the Taster's Choice saga.
Joel: Showers, anyone?

Joel: [when the family's car pulls over next to a razed paddock] Visit beautiful Ground Zero!

Joel: [during The Master's uncomfortably long laughter scene] I think he has the most musical laugh I've heard.

Joel, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [in unison] Ziggy has Garfield neutered? Now that's funny!

Crow T. Robot: In summary... "Manos: The Hands of Fate."
Joel: Manos, the Hands of Fate. Manos.

Joel: Are you part of the movie we're in?

Joel: Man, I can't help but wonder what this cast party was like when they shot this.

Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos but made for a Womanos... I think.

Master's wife: Maybe she's right. Maybe we should spare the child.
Joel: And spoil the rod.

Crow T. Robot: Is she telling him a secret?
Joel: Mm-hm.
Crow T. Robot: All over him.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell (#6.12)" (1993)
Joel: "Mitchell". Even his NAME says "Is that a beer?"

Joel: Hey, wasn't John Saxon supposed to be in this movie?

Joel: [as Mitchell] Stop, or my heart will explode!

Tom Servo: [gasping] They arrested Harlan Ellison.
Joel: Good.

Joel: I love pulling my gun when I come home! Scares my cats half to death!

[watching the end of 'Mitchell']
Crow T. Robot: You know, at this stage in any killing spree, you really ought to turn the gun on yourself.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [chanting] Turn it! Turn it! Turn it! Turn it!
Joel: Hey! Hey!

Joel: Hey! It's one of the kids from Fame!
Tom Servo: Which one?
Joel: Any of 'em.

Joel: It's not often you see Johnny Mathis in the wild.

Joel: [as Mitchell] Oh shoot, a door! I didn't plan on this.

Joel: Oh thank goodness they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.

Joel: [Mitchell wears an ugly plaid coat] Can we get some more volume on that jacket please?

Gallano: You really think so?
Joel: I'm turning Japanese.

Greta: He sleeps with me, then busts me.
Joel: First things first.

Joel: [reading scrolling title sequence] What is that, what does it say, mittens? An action film called "Mittens"?
Joel: Joe Don Baker *is* Mittens...
Crow T. Robot: He's a cop!

Crow T. Robot: Hot merging action!
Joel: Oh, my goodness, they merged successfully. My heart was in my throat.

Joel: [watching Mitchell testing the cocaine] Even Scarface didn't do that much at once.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Lost Continent (#3.8)" (1990)
Joel: That was the nineteen-fifty-one classic "Lost Continent". Interestingly enough, EP Robert Lippert found that he could extend the length of his film by adding meaningless, poorly contrived and blocked walking sequences, or in the case of today's film, mind-numbingly excessive mountain-climbing scenes. He called the device "padding" and as you know, padding has become a staple of movies ever since. Now this.
Tom Servo: Cesar Romero, whom many of you will recognize from the "Batman" TV series of the late sixties, and who was thought to be a spy, was originally to play the role that eventually went to Hugh Beaumont. Director Sam Newfield said, "Cesar just isn't bland enough." We'll be right back.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, Director Newfeld, known nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to his dog with a fork. Uh, we'll be right back.

[Upon seeing the title of "Lost Continent"]
Joel: "Lost Continent"? Well, I lost my keys before, but this is ridiculous.

Joel: Who are you? Where are we? Can we get a frame of reference or something, *please*?

Joel: He climbed through to the ionosphere! Is that legal?

Hugh Beaumont: Hello boys.
Joel: Hugh Beaumont?
Hugh Beaumont: Oh come on, call me 'Dad'.
Joel: Gee sir, I mean Dad, what are you doing here?
Hugh Beaumont: Well you see boys, I'm one of the four horsemen of the apoclalyse and I come bearing a message of unholy death.
Joel: Huh?
Hugh Beaumont: That's right, I'm really going to give you the business, destroy you, your world, and all that you know. But first, a stern talking-to. You know, you shouldn't be so hard on that movie. A lot of people worked quite hard to bring that movie to you.
Crow T. Robot: Gee, I guess we shouldn't be so quick to judge others then, huh.
Hugh Beaumont: That's right, Crow.
Crow T. Robot: He bought it, what a jerk!

Joel: Remember the rule, people, if you don't understand it, just shoot it.

Joel: I'm gonna climb up and into Lincoln's nose.

Joel: This is only for conversation, but if you were to eat a human body, where would you start?

Crow T. Robot: Got a match?
Joel: Yeah, my butt, your face.

Joel: Hey, check it out, graffiti from the Donner Party.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Cave Dwellers (#4.1)" (1991)
Tom Servo: Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate!
Crow T. Robot: I'll what?
Tom Servo: You'll show 'em.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the Foster Grants? IT'S OG!
Joel: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Dr. Forrester, Frank: What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL!
Frank: Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly, Frank. Push the Button.
Frank: Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now.
Dr. Forrester: Would you just push the button?
Frank: I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you.

Joel: How much Keefe is in this movie anyway?
Tom Servo: Miles O' Keefe.

Joel: [Ator and Co. are under attack from invisible enemies] Oh I don't believe it, they were too cheap to hire villains!

Joel: Uh-oh. The fog's starting to obscure the action.
Crow T. Robot: What action?

Joel: [explaining his invention, a literal smoking jacket] Everyone loves tar, sure, who doesn't?

Joel: Wait, why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, because she's got an arrow in her chest.
Joel: Oh I can see... huh?

Joel: [During a close-up on Ator] It's the Wangooooo zee Tangoooooo!

Tom Servo: Stately Wayne Manor...
Crow T. Robot: What's a Wayne Manor?
Joel: Oh that's where Batman lived before he became the Dark Knight in those comic books.
Tom Servo: They're not comic books, they're *graphic novels*.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Fire Maidens of Outer Space (#5.16)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: Stay on the left! On the left! Dickweed!
Tom Servo: Let's get you right out to the suburbs where it's safe.
Joel Robinson: What, are they driving to Scotland?

Astronaut: It's a code of some sort.
Joel Robinson: It's from the director, it says... Slow Down.

Joel Robinson: [as a tree] How'd ya like it if I picked YOUR apples?

Joel Robinson: The message is 'Hot, steamin' love; Texas-style.

Joel Robinson: [as Hestia] Thanks for hurling that gas bomb at me!

Joel Robinson: I've got a headache this big, and it's got Cy Roth written all over it.

Joel Robinson: [as Dr. Blair] I'm going to call it Planet Me.

Joel Robinson: [the Fire Maidens slowly wave goodbye] Goodbye... thanks for the valium...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera (#4.2)" (1991)
Joel Robinson: Doesn't he kinda look like Godzilla with a backpack on?

[Kenny claims that Gamera is good in spite of the destruction he's caused]
Joel Robinson: What he's done today has been a benefit to all of us.

Joel Robinson: What is it that you hate so much about Kenny?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, he's a child of priviledge and the whole world revolves around him and stuff and he can walk into a restricted maximum security military situation and they treat him like an adult just because he befriended a stupid old turtle.
Tom Servo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he never gets into trouble even though his friendship with Gamera is causing the death of *millions*. And he skips school whenever he wants to. And he never so much as gets sent to his room.

Narrator: The city is off limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel Robinson: Kenny, however, is free to move about.

Joel Robinson: Kids go running for the rich taste of Gamera.

Pilot: What is your name? What is your designation?
Crow T. Robot: Are you known for your work in the theater?
[the dark plane fires two missiles out of its back]
Joel Robinson: Uh, you lost your muffler!
[the American plane fires all six of its missiles]
Joel Robinson: Just a couple.
[the dark plane explodes]
Tom Servo: And that's just a warning!

[Joel starts the show while Crow is in a cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hi, everybody. I'm Joel Robinson. Welcome to the... show.
[notices Crow]
Joel: Say, Tom. What's with the Crow-In-the-Box?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's body temperature down to absolute zero!
Joel: [shocked] Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It'll cause a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on thick gloves and opens the chamber]
Joel: Hang on, Crow! I'm gotcha!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and bumps Crow's head. Crow shatters]
Tom Servo: Good one, Joel.
Joel: Oops. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: I'm not putting him back together either.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Against the Moon Men (#5.10)" (1992)
Joel Robinson: [watching Hercules ride along] Oh, he took the good tablecloth.

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [watching the rock men close in on Samara] We will, we will rock you.

Joel Robinson: Hey, Herc. James Brolin wants his beard back.

Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: [singing] Herculeeeees! Herculaaaaa! Herculeeeees! Hercula-ha-ha-ha! Herculeees! Herculaaa! My backpacks filled with pecks!

Joel Robinson: [during the horrendously long sandstorm scene] These are the outtakes of "From Here to Eternity."
Tom Servo: No, Joel. This is just "Eternity".

[as Hercules smugly beats up a bunch of baddies]
Joel Robinson: [singing] I enjoy being a guy!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Godzilla vs. Megalon (#3.12)" (1991)
[first lines]
Joel Robinson: Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love. And on today's show we're going to show you how to keep those holiday goiters to a minimum. The secret: ordinary table salt.

Joel Robinson: Action sequences filmed in Confuse-O-Vision!

Crow T. Robot: He's got a tree. He's got a tree. This isn't the Godzilla we know.
Joel: Hertz, don't it?
Tom Servo: A tree? That's not like you. Why, Godzilla? Why?

Joel: Try not to get sucked into the vortex of hell Billy!

Joel Robinson: [For Goro, after the kid tells him he just found some mysterious powder] Uh that's mine kid, just leave it alone
[starts making sniffing noises]

Joel: Action sequences filmed in "Confus-o-vision"

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills (#6.10)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: First thing I'm gonna do is buy me a montage!

Joel Robinson: Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.

Joel Robinson: It's a deadly game of cat and mouse except... with a... dog... and a man.

Narrator: Many girls find this helpful in removing cosmetics
Joel Robinson: Many are just plain wrong.

Narrator: And so the end to a perfect day:
Joel Robinson: An entire day spent grooming.

Narrator: The love of a dog... for one man.
Joel Robinson: It won't work.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (#4.21)" (1991)
[Joel and the bots sing "Let's Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas."]
Tom Servo: [singing] Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
Crow T. Robot: [singing] We'll gather at the roadhouse with our next of kin.
Joel Robinson: [singing] And Santa will be our regular Saturday night thing.
Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson: [singing] We'll decorate our barstools and gather 'round and sing.
Tom Servo: [singing] Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year.
Crow T. Robot: [singing] Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear.

Santa Claus: We're going out the good ol' fashioned way with my reindeers!
Joel Robinson: Guns a-blazin'!
Santa Claus: Prancer and Dancer and Donder and Blitzen, and Vixen and Nixon!
Tom Servo: Eh, yeah, so, what's in the pipe, Santa?

Joel: What do you want for Christmas, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

Martian: What is Christmas?
Joel: It's a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism.

[Tom's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Space"]
Tom Servo: It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile...
[gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical]
Tom Servo: ...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers...
Joel: Tom...
Tom Servo: ...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY.
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Tom Servo: And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM.
Joel: HEY.
Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Joel: Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.
Tom Servo: You sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Tom Servo: Phew, what a relief.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People (#4.3)" (1991)
Joel: Oh, great, we were saved by the Gates of Hell.
Tom Servo: Say, what is it about the Gates of Hell that makes people want to wander into them?

Joel: Pod People got no reason to live.

Joel: Trumpy, you can do stupid things!

[Crow and Servo are dangling wildly from the ceiling]
Joel: I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!
Tom Servo: [screaming] I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
Joel: Oh, we've got commercial sign!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: King Dinosaur (#3.10)" (1990)
Joel Robinson: Hey look, it's Woodstock. Three days of peace, love, and stock footage.

Joel Robinson: You know, Tom, if you're looking for plausibility in this film, you won't find it here friend.

[Ralph shoots at a giant ant as a frightened Nora looks on]
Joel Robinson: I'm dealing with it. I got it. I got it, honey.

Joel Robinson: Oh, that's great. We're stranded in space and we still have to pull jury duty!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye (#2.1)" (1989)
Joel: Well, I guess it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us again.
Dr. Forrester: I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you squinty-eyed space chimp!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Uh, Clay...
Dr. Forrester: What?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It is time.
Dr. Forrester: Oh. Yeah, I...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Nice insult though.
Dr. Forrester: I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stinkburger of a film this week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye."

Tom Servo: [asked to say a good and bag thing about the crawling eye] All right. Okay, let's see. The good thing was that we didn't have to watch them clean up the vitreous humour all over from the eyes exploding. Okay, imagine, you sign up that day for Kelly Temps - Trollenberg office, of course. They give you a leaky bucket and a turkey baster and send you up the mountain... Now you're on cleanup crew!
Joel: And the bad thing?
Tom Servo: Well, the bad thing was, uh, the movie? It was ambitious, but it lacked vision.

Joel: [speaking as the mountain as Anne Pilgrim stares blankly at it from the train] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.

Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Beatniks (#5.15)" (1992)
Eddy Crane: You call that singing? That was nothing.
Joel Robinson: I was belching.

Eddy Crane: [singing] Anything is better...
Joel Robinson: [singing along] ... than this crap...

Gypsy: [runs screaming from Crow: hides behind Joel]
Crow T. Robot: [brandishing a knife] Where'd she go man, where'd she go?
Joel Robinson: Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy!
Crow T. Robot: I did it for you, Eddie!
Joel Robinson: Oh great, he's in moon mode again.
Crow T. Robot: That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you!
Tom Servo: That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a heinder to speak of.
Crow T. Robot: That's it, that's it!
[stabs Tom]
Tom Servo: [collapses over table] Take... care of my turtle...
Joel Robinson: I will, Tommy.
Tom Servo: Stop my milk delivery...
Joel Robinson: OK, I'll do it.
Tom Servo: Pick up my mail, cancel my subscription to National Review...
Joel Robinson: [amused] OK.
Tom Servo: Continue... to tape... Baywatch for me...
Joel Robinson: All right.
Tom Servo: Take my step-aerobics class... every Tuesday...

Joel Robinson: I AM IRON MAN.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sidehackers (#3.2)" (1990)
Joel: Well, you guys gotta understand, it's really hard to get a new sport going. It's hard to get the recognition that other sports enjoy. Can you name a few?
Tom Servo: Uh, kickboxing from the Philippines... uh, tape measure racing...
Crow T. Robot: And, uh, computations, and Australian rules football.
Joel: Right, and what do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, a rudimentary interest factor?
Tom Servo: A sense of fair play?
Crow T. Robot: A small measure of self-esteem?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Joel: Right, these are all really good answers, but the thing I was looking for was terminology. It's impossible to have play-by-play or color commentary without it! So, let's put our heads together and come up with some terminology that really showcases some of the really exciting moves in our sport, sidehacking. Cambot, roll that footage.
Crow T. Robot: [footage plays, the next lines are voice over] It looks like the Wesley Brothers out of John Harding starting things briskly with the Fuller Brush Man in a Rumplestiltskin follow-through with a Teenage Coed Prison!
Tom Servo: Out of Wausau, representing Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch performing the now famous Yank Me Crank Me!
Joel: That bright young team, the Allentown Poodles, with their rendition of the Swirly - Oh no, could that have been the Gunkout, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: Thanks, Joel. I think that was more of a Spinning Love Funnel from those fresh-faced kids of Kankakee Community College...
Tom Servo: Oh my goodness, it's a lineback, a slowburn and a hop, skip and a gold flame with a Fintoozler and an Itchy Gorilla! AN ITCHY GORILLA!
Joel: Uh oh, here comes the Big Blue Flamer, followed by Teatime Richard Scarry, the Full Tilt Bozo, Crazy and Just Plain Stupid!
Crow T. Robot: It's an exciting day, indeed, here at Japanese War Atrocity Park and Pavillion-On-The-Park, but - what's this? Is that the antiquated old papa Baba O'Riley attempting the Teenage Wasteland on the hey-de-hi-de-ho side of the track?
Tom Servo: From the darker side of the street come the Cap Snaffler, Maynard and Eleanor, Casey's Rolling Pizza and Just Imagine!
Joel: Meet you on the dark side of the moon, it's the Ghostly Trio, followed by No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme and Death by Chocolate!
Crow T. Robot: Uh-oh, hold onto your epidermis! It's Deputy Dawg and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers of Fortune attempting the oft-copied Leaky Cheese!
Tom Servo: Shake me, don't wake me, Crow... Looks like Bad Man and the Costumed Critters of Death are going crinkle-cut and somebody's got to pay... but, uh-oh! Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Strange and the Bad Man and Joe screaming "Hey world, check me out!"
Joel: Hand me a Hoover, it's Raspberry Commie, the Fruitful Snootful and Hickory Dickory Die attempting a Butterscotch Push with a Frontie-frontie-frontie!
Crow T. Robot: Ho ho ho! Is that Go-Go the Gorilla with Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes with Starchy Cock-of-the-Walk in their Fintoozler? There's Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl in the George Barris custom show rod, bravely attempting the Big Buy with a Tommy Tune on the side!
Tom Servo: I gotta correct you on that, Crow, I think he's attempting a Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen - Uh-oh! That means he'll be disqualified and slapped with a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich! That could be a problem for our Quentin Crisp, who's expected to deliver a Fighting Aranovich Brother or a God Your Helmet Smells Good...
Joel: Uh-oh! Here comes Nutsy, the Sidehacking Clown, performing his famous Tension Envelope routine! Don't get too close, 'cuz remember, kids, he who smelt it, dealt it... Let's give him a round of applause as we all pardon his blooper!
Crow T. Robot: Well, it's been a big day with plenty of sheer gut blow-outs, Juicy Lucies and a Woozle whose name was Peanut... This is Crow and Joel and Tom Servo in the pit.

Luke: Have you ever seen me so happy?
Joel: [as Rommel] Yeah, but you didn't know I was watching you.

Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?
Joel: Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!
Dr. Forrester: We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue!

Crow T. Robot: [seeing the opening scene of the film, which doesn't exactly fit the whole screen] Uh... this- this is gonna be hard to watch.
Joel: Postage Stamp Theater Presents...
Crow T. Robot: Hey, they shot this with a 3mm camera.
Tom Servo: I'd like to shoot them with a 3mm Howitzer.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Gila Monster (#5.2)" (1992)
Joel: [as a man sings to his little sister] She's trying to wish him into the cornfield right now.

Chase Winstead: It's the Sheriff. If there's been a wreck I get a tow job out of it.
Joel: Oh wow...

Joel: We're from the committee to keep rock and roll white.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (#5.3)" (1992)
Joel Robinson: Hey I found Ed Begley Jr.! Can I keep 'im?

Joel Robinson: [sees copyright information on screen] Aw darn, it's copyrighted.

Joel Robinson: It's like he wants to order a pizza... but doesn't dare.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Robot Monster (#2.7)" (1989)
Ro-Man: Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left alive.
Joel: We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Joel: [seeing Ro-Man] That ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe... I rest my case

Joel: Cody, don't wear your jet pack in the house. What if that thing went off?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Rebel Set (#5.19)" (1992)
Joel: [as trapeze artists are shown riding bicycles along a tight-rope] Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

Joel: As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on... "
Tom Servo: Booooo-ring! Boring!
Joel: Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me!
Magic Voice: Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, c'mon!
Joel: Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called?
Joel: Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!"
Joel: [the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.
Joel: [they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe."
Joel: 3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup."
Tom Servo: The horror, the horror.

Joel: "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."
Crow T. Robot: Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!
Tom Servo: No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?
Joel: "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!"
[the bots scream in terror]
Joel: Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.
Dr. Forrester: That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Wild Rebels (#3.7)" (1990)
Tom Servo: Gosh, Joel, that biker guy sure is sleazy, but boy, what a vocabulary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, he's quite eloquent for a piece of lowlife scum.
Joel: Oh, well, you guys might be surprised to find out that a lot of the great thinkers of this century actually rode in motorcycle gangs. In fact, I've got a few drawings...
Crow T. Robot: Oh, don't tell me, you've prepared a presentation using artists' renderings.
Joel: Right. You know, you read me like a book. And anyone who reads a lot of books will know who the Algonquin Round Table was.
Tom Servo: Well, of course! Alexander Wolcott, George S. Kaufman, Robert Benchley, Dorothy Parker...
Joel: Right! Well, I've got this drawing here... bring it in a little bit, Cambot. Here's the group, here's their gang. It's called "Satan's Sardonics." Now, these guys terrorized the whole East Coast until one day they were unexpectedly wiped out in a rumble with the cast of "What's My Line?"
Crow T. Robot: Wow, I guess that Bennett Cerf is tougher than people thought!
Joel: Yeah! Now, when you think of a tough, macho writer who writes in a tense, hard-boiled style, who do you think of?
Tom Servo: Uh... Truman Capote?
Joel: Exactly! See? His gang, "Oscar's Wilde Ones" - they were leather boys - were all the rage until Norman Mailer's gang, "Hell's Egos," mixed it up with Gore Vidal's gang, "The Vidal Sassoons."
Crow T. Robot: Boy, sounds pretty messy! "If they don't look good, we don't look good!"
Joel: Yeah, there was gel and mousse for miles around. The carnage didn't end until they all joined forces and finally beat up... Dick Cavett.

[after Linda points a gun at the gun shop owner]
Joel: [as Linda] Ahem, I'd like to return these bullets to their original owner.

Joel: We'll be right back after this important message. Hey, kids!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: [commercial jingle starts] We're Wiiiiild Rebels! Crunchy, fruity rebels! Pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun!
Joel: It's Wild Rebels Cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like getting hit in back of the head with a surfboard of flavor!
Tom Servo: Look! Marshmallow Fattys!
Crow T. Robot: Sugary Lindas!
Joel: I got tangy, twangy Banjos!
Tom Servo: Crunchy oat Rods!
Crow T. Robot: And Jeeters, too! Die, Jeeter, die!
Magic Voice: [music stops] Kids? What are you doing in there?
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: Having a good breakfast, mom.
Tom Servo: [music starts again] Pour on the milk! One, two! One, two, three, four!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: Wiiiild Rebels! Bunchy, crunchy rebels! Don't bust your teeth on something sweet and hard!
Joel: Wild Rebels Cereal, part of this complete breakfast.
Crow T. Robot: Hey, there's a cheap surprise inside!
Joel: I got a gun!
Tom Servo: I got a sawed-off pool cue with a leather strap!
Crow T. Robot: I got a chunk of hose filled with lead shot!
Tom Servo: All right, let's take it home!
Tom Servo, Joel, Crow T. Robot: They won't get soft or squishy! Better eat 'em, or you're a sissy! Just pound 'em down, you stupid clown, they're WIIIIILD!
Joel: Wild Rebels Cereal. Just eat 'em.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah (#6.6)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: [Eegah begins pawing at Roxy's hair in a manner similar to Torgo's in "Manos"] Oh, no! He's gone to the Torgo school of fondling!

Joel Robinson: [Eegah breaks into Roxy's home and scopes out the living room] Hey! Check it out! There's an oven in the living room!

Tom Servo: Joel, what chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with vivid images of hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of conviction, those have been known to work. And then there's the time the country rallies together to beat back hell, like the time we as a nation said no to Yahoo Serious.
Crow T. Robot: I remember that. All of us together, drawn inexplicably to the slobbering mouth of hell, and then suddenly, somehow, by some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time, like Moses and the Israelites.
Tom Servo: Now who in creation is powerful enough to do that?
Crow T. Robot: [imitating Goliath] Gee Davey, do you think it was... God?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Bride of the Monster (#5.23)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: And they had the same front room as Bewitched.

Joel Robinson: It's an American in Cleveland.

[upon seeing the title of the short 'Hired']
Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?
Crow T. Robot: That's not something you heard much during the Bush administration.
Tom Servo: The sequel is 'Hired 2: Laid Off.'

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Shorts (1998) (V)
[in "Why Study Industrial Arts?"]
Joel Robinson: You know, it's fun to have an idea.
Mike Nelson: There, wasn't that fun?

[in "Why Study Industrial Arts?"]
Joel Robinson: You know, I like the feel of a board moving moving slowly against the cutter...
Mike Nelson: Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood.
Joel Robinson: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and saw dust...
Crow T. Robot: I put them in my underwear... uh, oh.
Joel Robinson: The bright glare of a welder...
Tom Servo: I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw.
Joel Robinson: The sharp whine of a power tool...
Mike Nelson: The piercing scream of a freshman.
Joel Robinson: Or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Tom Servo: Tap, tap tap, I keep Popular Mechanix under my mattress! Ha ha ha!
Joel Robinson: A saw...
Crow T. Robot: Building a chafe with no pants... uh, oh.
Joel Robinson: A wrench...
Mike Nelson: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago. It's *over*!
Joel Robinson: A plane...
Tom Servo: These tools are my friends!
Joel Robinson: Or a chisel.
Crow T. Robot: What about *girls*, young man, *girls*?
Tom Servo: Nope. Chisels.

Narattor: Watch out - That ground is awful hard.
Joel Robinson: Life is awful hard.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teenagers from Outer Space (#5.4)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot: You know Joel, that old grandpa guy sure was nice to the teenager from outer space by letting him stay in the apartment without having him pay a rent until he got work. A real life Landlord would never do that.
Tom Servo: Why yes, things that happen in the movies are different from what happens in real life.
Joel: Right tom, so from our "Look at the Lighter Side Department," we'd like to introduce a new segment called Reel to Real. Check it out, move aside, guys. In reel life...
Tom Servo: You are offered free room and board until you can pay off your rent.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: If your are late with one payment, your room is padlocked, and you end up living in a refridgerator box.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: Your roomate is a beautiful woman, who fills your life with afternoon swims, moonlit drives, and the promise of romance.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: Your roomate is a stinky high school dropout, who fills your life with lice, crusty socks, and burnt cans of spaghettio's.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: Your landlord is a rosy-cheeked, cheerful old man.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: Your landlord is a butane addict, who sneaks into your room, and searches through your underwear drawer.
Joel: In reel life...
Tom Servo: There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.
Joel: And in real life...
Crow T. Robot: There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch.

Joel: Hey Tom, you know that pegasus you're working on?
Tom Servo: Yeah.
Joel: This horse is a cow.
Tom Servo: Hmm, does it really make a difference?
Joel: Nah, I don't think so.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Robot Holocaust (#2.10)" (1990)
[first lines]
Joel Robinson: Hey, everybody, my name's Joel. I'm marooned up here in outer space. I'm all alone, except for the companionship of my two robot friends that I... are of my own design. There are two evil overlord scientists that are sending me horrendous films, but I can handle it because I'm a Hu-Man!

Joel Robinson: [watching two men in space helmets] Which one of us is talking?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Green Slime (#1.0)" (1988)
[during a host segment]
Joel: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: I found the secret of the life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
Joel: It was on 8-track.

Joel: [watching "The Green Smile"] Y'know it's interesting that this - ah - film was made the same year as "2001: A Space Odyssey".

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (#6.7)" (1993)
Joel: "I Accuse My Parents" was brought to you by Boone's Farm.

[during the short about "truck farming"]
Joel: Praise the Truck Farmer! Bow down to him!
Crow T. Robot: Worship the Truck Farmer, at the church of your choice.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja I (#4.22)" (1992)
[two cars are shown "jumping" down a hill]
Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: FLUBBER! FLUBBER!

[looking at Master Ninja I in disbelief]
Joel: You know, this has all the continuity of a fever dream.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: First Spaceship on Venus (#3.11)" (1990)
Tom Servo: I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer.
Joel: [using screwdriver on back of Tom's dome] That ought to do it.
Tom Servo: Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooooh, sign me up for that!
Crow: I think it's working.
Tom Servo: The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh...
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
Tom Servo: Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those!
Joel: Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now.
Tom Servo: Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet.
Crow: You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think.
Joel: Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora?
Tom Servo: Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a clichÈ. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys.
Joel: Okay, well, what about... ummm... Dan Quayle?
Tom Servo: Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy.
Joel: I'm not even gonna mention Gallagher, then.
Tom Servo: Ooooooooooooh, he is my absolute all-time favorite! Oh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed all over you? Oh, give me more of that. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of Annotated Shakespeare for a tape of "Melon Crazy"? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh!

Joel, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot: We are scientists! Get out of our way!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Warrior of the Lost World (#6.1)" (1993)
Joel Robinson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Attica! Attica! Attica!

[Reading Robert Ginty's name in the credits]
Joel Robinson: He's the Ginty-est!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Conquered the World (#4.11)" (1991)
Tom Servo: [eating] Mmm, you know that pie was delicious. Did you bake it yourself?
Joel Robinson: Oh no, it's just a recipe my grandmother stole from the bakery.
Joel Robinson: [Crow slurps down coffee] Hey, you want some more?
Crow T. Robot: Only half a gallon.
Joel Robinson: What are you so smug about? You look like a man who's just inherited Texas.
Tom Servo: Well, it may not be too far off. You know, this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What did you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah. The coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo: Oh, the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel Robinson: Well, I always burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot: So you burn it every night?
Joel Robinson: Don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot: I have to bring it up: if I hold it in, I'll die.
Tom Servo: Dye. That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!
Joel Robinson: Did you two get enough? You hardly touched your steak.
Crow T. Robot: I didn't want to touch it, it scared me.

Tom Servo: Yeah, talking about steaks being tough, I thought they retired mail order studs.
Joel Robinson: Well, what would you know about being a stud?
Crow T. Robot: The meat was better if you put that fuzzy gravy on it.
Tom Servo: [disgusted] Oh, was that gravy?I thought the dog had been sick.
Crow T. Robot: I've never seen spam served so many ways, especially in a jello.
Tom Servo: [coughs] You know, halfway through the dinner, my fillet got up and beat the hell out of my coffee and the coffee was too weak to defend itself.
Joel Robinson: Oh well, it looks like you enjoyed the marinade or were you just being a pig?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, the only thing around here that's marinated is Tom.
Tom Servo: Oh that's great. Why don't you just skip the dinner and go straight to passing out on the table?
Joel Robinson: OK, keep it down, you two.
Crow T. Robot: [grossed out] I don't think I can keep anything down if I have to keep looking at that dessert.
Tom Servo: Oh, you know, forget about the pie and just read the recipe.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Indestructible Man (#5.9)" (1992)
Tom Servo: [as Charles Benton] I've gotta take a big indestructible wizz.
Joel Robinson: [appalled] Oh, that is tasteless.

Joel Robinson: [movie shows shots of police cars with sirens on] Attention, be on the look out for doughnuts!
Tom Servo: Oh come on, Joel. That's really *lame*.
Joel Robinson: Oh, whatever you say, Tom "I've got to take an indestructible wizz" Servo.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (#2.2)" (1989)
Joel: You can see they're a more advanced civilization: their furniture doesn't break. Well, it tips over, but it doesn't break.

Joel: I didn't know Billy Barty was in this.
Crow: He's got a small part.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Amazing Colossal Man (#4.9)" (1991)
Tom Servo: Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen?
Glen Manning: Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second.
[picks up a cow and eats it]
Glen Manning: You know, I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But, no... you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore! Vegas! Blackballed... can't get in...
Tom Servo: Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen!
Glen Manning: You think I'm a freak, don't you!
[grab and rocks the sattelite]
Tom Servo: Uh-oh.
Crow T. Robot: Way to go Servo!
Joel Robinson: Oh, everyone hold on to something!
Glen Manning: That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak, don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the circus freak! Hahaha!

Glenn Manning: I just don't want to grow anymore.
Joel Robinson: I'm a Toys R Us kid.
Joel Robinson: I'M A TOYS R US KID!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Manhunt in Space (#5.13)" (1992)
[Joel and Crow are discussing color vs. black and white.]
Joel Robinson: And what do you think, Tom Servo?
Tom Servo: Um, about what?
Joel Robinson: About how some of our movies are in color and some are in black and white.
Tom Servo: I'm not sure I understand the question.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, come on! Movie A: color. Movie B: black and white.
Tom Servo: Look, we can't all notice the same subtleties!
Crow T. Robot: Subtleties? Why, I...
Joel Robinson: Hold on, Crow. Tom, what color is my jumpsuit?
Tom Servo: Red.
Joel Robinson: And what color is Crow?
Tom Servo: Red.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in five, four, three, two. What color is Dr. Forrester?
Tom Servo: Red. What about it?
Joel Robinson: We'll be right back. I think I see what the problem is.

[a small, rocky planet is seen.]
Tom Servo: Hey, it's the MST3K logo!
Joel Robinson: [whispering] We're not supposed to know about that!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Humanoid Woman (#1.11)" (1989)
Joel: Hello, sirs! Hey, great movie last week, huh? You know, I don't think a lot of people realize this, but it wasn't really a movie, it was just two Space 1999 segments edited together.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Regardless of what it was, it put your ratings through the ceiling!
Dr. Forrester: Even you could've beaten the Cincinnati Bengals, and I'm out fifty bucks!
Joel: Hey, maybe they'll give me MVP!
Dr. Forrester: Don't get cocky with me, you orbiting Wilfred Brimley wannabe!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Joel, do the words oxygen deprivation mean anything to you? Look, if your ratings keep going up, we'll be forced to send you...
Joel: Geez, you guys. Last week, the ratings were low and you got mad.
Dr. Forrester: Hey, we're mad scientists. What do you expect? Larry, put in Humanoid Woman.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl in Lovers Lane (#6.9)" (1993)
Danny Winslow: I'm Danny. Danny Winslow. What's your name?
Bix Dugan: [mumbling] Bix Dugan.
Joel: Big Stupid?

Mr. B's Lost Shorts (2001) (V)
Joel Robinson: Let me out! Attica! Attica!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes (#2.5)" (1989)
[Fake wedding begins. Tom and Crow start to sob]
Joel Hodgson: Hey, come on. It's not a real wedding, you guys. Don't cry.
Crow T. Robot: We know. It's the script that's upsetting us.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Unearthly (#4.20)" (1991)
[while watching Tor Johnson in "The Unearthly"]
Lobo: Time for go to bed!
Joel: Well said!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the Giant Leeches (#5.6)" (1992)
Crash Corrigan: We're being dragged down by some mysterious force.
Joel Robinson: The plot?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Zigra (#1.7)" (1988)
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-Boy-Toy, is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, what's that sir?
Dr. Erhardt: Nobody can hear you laugh?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Rocketship X-M (#3.1)" (1990)
Lisa Van Horn: [looking out porthole at Earth] You know it's funny. One never thinks of the Earth that way, as a dying planet with nothing to give out but reflected light.
Joel Robinson: Oh that is romantic. Think I'll go slit my wrists.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teenage Caveman (#4.15)" (1991)
[watching the grotesquely inhumane short "Catching Trouble"]
Crow T. Robot: Joel, do people do this on Earth?
Tom Servo: Yeah, Joel, isn't this wrong?
Joel: Yeah, guys. I'm really ashamed of my race right now.
[Joel turns to the viewers at home]
Joel: We'd just like to apologize to everyone everywhere for this...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Unchained (#5.8)" (1992)
Crow T. Robot, Joel Robinson, Tom Servo: Attica! Attica! Attica!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: War of the Colossal Beast (#4.19)" (1991)
Joel: Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gunslinger (#6.11)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: [a shot lingers on a building accidentally catching two people on horses unmotivated in view] Uh, cue the horses!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (#3.13)" (1991)
Joel: You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, no.
Joel: Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right?
Tom Servo: Uh, huh.
Joel: Leave it at that.
Crow T. Robot: Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today.
Tom Servo: Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner.
[both laugh, then Mothra appears in the Hexfield]
Tom Servo: Whoa, it's Mothra! Whoa!
Mothra: Hi, kids. What can I do for ya?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater!
Tom Servo: Yikes!
Mothra: Saaay, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but - You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations - which I like, don't get me wrong - they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me.
Crow T. Robot: We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cacooning?
Mothra: Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you really lay eggs?
Mothra: Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the difference is between "Thicke of the Night" and the Titanic?
Tom Servo: I'll bite... I don't know.
Mothra: The Titanic had entertainment.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Time of the Apes (#4.6)" (1991)
[the movie's characters are coughing in a smoke-filled cave]
Joel Robinson: [stoner voice] Oh man, that's good weed.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Swamp Diamonds (#6.3)" (1993)
[first lines]
Joel Robinson: [to Crow and Tom Servo] Oh, what are you guys doing? You're supposed to be helping me crunch numbers for that navigational plot thing.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules and the Captive Women (#5.12)" (1992)
Joel Robinson: Oh he's a karma chameleon. They come and go.
Tom Servo: They come and go.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Guiron (#4.12)" (1991)
Florbella: Tell me. What would you like the most now?
Joel Robinson: [Speaking as Akio] Well, it involves Jello...

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera (#1.5)" (1988)
[the episode opens with Crow in a cryogenic chamber]
Crow T. Robot: Hi, folks. Welcome to the Satellite of... Love. Say, uh, Tom, what's with the Crow-in-the-box?
Joel: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's temperature down to absolute zero! Woohoo!
Crow T. Robot: Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It could start a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Joel: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid!
[Joel puts on a pair of thermal gloves and opens the cryogenic chamber]
Crow T. Robot: Hang on, Crow! Don't worry! I got ya!
[Joel reaches into the chamber and Crow shatters]
Joel: Good one, Joel!
Crow T. Robot: Oops. We'll be right back.
Joel: I'm not putting him back together, either.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja II (#4.24)" (1992)
Webster: This is a small town. We take care of our people.
The Master: I don't think the lady wants you to take care of her.
Crow T. Robot: [as the Master] That's why the lady is a tramp.
Webster: Hey, you got a hearing problem, old man?
The Master: My hearing is excellent.
Joel Robinson: [as the Master] Because I have the Whisper 2000.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Magic Sword (#5.11)" (1992)
Joel Robinson: Endora!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Hand (#2.6)" (1989)
Tom Servo: [during the crawling hand] Gotta hand it to him.
Crow T. Robot: He went out on a limb with that one.
Joel: Thank goodness he brought that freezer wrap.
Tom Servo: Actually I think it's a handbag.
[Crow and Joel groan]

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Monster A-Go Go (#5.21)" (1993)
Joel Robinson: [after the infamous "person-imitating a telephone ring"] Unbelievable.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Mad Monster (#2.3)" (1989)
Joel: Uh, sirs, I think that's the end of the experiment this week. I hope you're pleased.
Dr. Forrester: [referring to end of movie] Of course we're not pleased. Can't you see a mad scientist has just died?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Barugon (#4.4)" (1991)
[a boat sails past the camera]
Joel Robinson: Hey, it's "Funny Girl" and there's Barbara Streisand.
[a second boat sails by]
Crow T. Robot: McHale!