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Quotes for
Baldrick (Character)
from "The Black Adder" (1982)

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Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988) (TV)
Lord Edmund Blackadder: HA! Got him with my subtle plan!
Baldrick: I can't see any subtle plan!
Lord Edmund Blackadder: Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again!"

Ebenezer Blackadder: My, what a jolly young girl.
Baldrick: Yeah, pity she nicked all the presents.

Ebenezer Blackadder: My what a jolly fellow.
Baldrick: Looked like a fat git to me.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes Baldrick, but if one peels away the layers of a 'fat git' you'll probably find a...
Baldrick: Thin git!

Ebeneezer Blackadder: In fact, there is something in your stocking, Baldrick, something I made for you.
Baldrick: Ah, well that's the best kind of gift, Mr. B. What is it?
Ebeneezer Blackadder: It's a fist. It's for hitting people with. (Punches Baldrick) And the great thing is, you can use it again and again! (hits Baldrick again)

[Ebeneezer Blackadder holds up a small pine twig in lieu of a proper Christmas tree]
Baldrick: It's a bit of a tiddler ain't it?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes but size isn't important my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it!

Baldrick: Mr. B! Where's the milk of human kindness?
Ebenezer Blackadder: It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.

Baldrick: I've been helping out with the workhouse Nativity play.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, of course. How did it go?
Baldrick: Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear! This high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?
Baldrick: Got another Jesus.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, thank goodness. And his name?
Baldrick: "Spot." There weren't any more children so we had to settle for a dog instead.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof!"

Baldrick: Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we haven't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool...
Ebenezer Blackadder: On some other dogs!
Baldrick: Yeah. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away! While the angel's singing "peace on earth, good will to mankind," Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggy-back ride!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Scarcely appropriate behavior for the Son of God, Mister Baldrick! Weren't the children upset?
Baldrick: No, they loved it! They want us to do another one at Easter. They want to see us nail up the dog!

Ebenezer Blackadder: [counting the year's profits] Seventeen pounds and a penny.
Baldrick: It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life, we are rich indeed!
Baldrick: Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and-feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger.

Ebenezer Blackadder: Ah, my dear Millicent, come for her dinner.
[Looks at Ralph]
Ebenezer Blackadder: ... and she seems to have brought the fish course with her! Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
Ralph: I think... it's me!
Millicent: This is Ralph - he's my fiance!
Ralph: We're in love!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear. Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker: one massively disappointing bang, and the novelty soon wears off.
Ralph, Millicent: [they laugh obnoxiously]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Shut up!
Millicent: Oh, Mr. Blackadder! What's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the... the horridest man in the world!
Baldrick: I was thinking the same thing myself.
Ebenezer Blackadder: [hits Baldrick in the back of the head] ... when spoken to.
[to Millicent]
Ebenezer Blackadder: I would explain, my dear, but I fear that you wouldn't understand - blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book!

Baldrick: Christmas is a time for miracles. So maybe, if we screw up our eyes really tight and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, someone will come and reward us.

"Black Adder the Third: Amy and Amiability (#1.5)" (1987)
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what "irony" is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like "goldy" and "bronzy" only it's made out of iron.

Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
Baldrick: No, but I've often thought I'd like to.
Blackadder: Well don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam the Valleys, terrorizing people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

Blackadder: Well go out into the street and hire me a horse.
Baldrick: Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain? A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of Old London Town? With the blacksmith's strike in its 15th week and the Dorset Horse Fetishist's Fair tomorrow?

[trying to find a bride for the Prince]
Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 - they're out - 47 are under 10 - they're out - and 39 are mad.
Baldrick: They sound ideal.
Blackadder: They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.

[Blackadder is about to leave for the West Indies]
Baldrick: I still can't believe you're leaving me behind.
Blackadder: Oh don't you worry. When we're established on our plantation in Barbados I'll send for you. No more sad little London for you Balders. From now on you will stand out in life as an individual.
Baldrick: Will I?
Blackadder: Indeed. All the other slaves will be black.

Baldrick: [referring to Caroline of Brunswick] And what's wrong with her?
Blackadder: [rises, suddenly shouting, pretending to be Caroline of Brunswick] Get more coffee! It's horrid, change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off, tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my present?
Baldrick: [very shaken by this outburst] All right! Which one do you want me to do first?

Sally Cheapside: Highwayman, I also have a jewel. I fear however that I have placed it here, beneath my petticoats, for protection
Blackadder: Well in that case madam, I think I'll leave it. I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel that's been in someone's pants. A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require.
The Duke of Cheapside: Never sir! A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom. I shall defend them with my life.
Blackadder: I'm not talking to you, Grandad.
Sally Cheapside: [kisses him long and hard] Oh, I'm overcome. Take me with you to live the life of the wild rogue, cuddling under haystacks and making love in the branches of tall trees!
Blackadder: Madam, sadly I must decline. I fear my horse would collapse with you on top of him as well as me!
Baldrick: [appears next to Blackadder, wearing his harness] I could try!
Blackadder: No Quicksilver, you couldn't.
Baldrick: But that's not fair then. I've had you on my back for ten miles and I haven't even got a kiss out of it.
Blackadder: Oh alright, very well then.
[kisses Baldrick]
Blackadder: All fair now?
Baldrick: Not really, no.
Blackadder: Teh, no pleasing some horses. Hi-ho Quicksilver.
Baldrick: Neiighh!
Sally Cheapside: [accusingly] Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour.
The Duke of Cheapside: Oh shut your face, you pregnant junky fag-hag!

Blackadder: There are only two princesses in Europe available. The first is Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him.
Baldrick: Why not?
Blackadder: Because she's met him.

Blackadder: The important thing is that they must not be alone together before the wedding.
Baldrick: That's not really fair to her, is it?
Blackadder: It's not really fair on him, either. The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume.

"Blackadder Goes Forth: Goodbyeee (#1.6)" (1989)
Private Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Captain Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?
Captain Blackadder: [whistle blows] Good luck, everyone.

Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Captain Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start?"
Lieutenant George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.
Captain Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganiki. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.
Lieutenant George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not.
[aside, to Baldrick]
Lieutenant George: Mad as a bicycle!
Private Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Captain Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Private Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
Lieutenant George: By Gum, this is interesting. I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.
Captain Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Private Baldrick: But, this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
Captain Blackadder: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
Private Baldrick: What was that, sir?
Captain Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Private Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing then.

[discussing how the war began]
Private Baldrick: I heard it started when some fella called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cos he was hungry.
Captain Blackadder: I think you mean that it started when the Arch Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Private Baldrick: No, there was definitely an ostrich involved.

Lieutenant George: Captain Darling said they'd be along directly, but, well, you'd better be damn doolally.
Captain Blackadder: Don't worry, George; I am. When they get here, I'll show them what 'totally and utterly bonkeroonie' means. Fwaf! Until then, we've got bugger-all to do except sit and wait.
Lieutenant George: Well, I don't know, sir - we could, er, we could have a jolly game of charades!
Private Baldrick: Ooh, yes!
Lieutenant George: And a singalong of musical hits like "Birmingham Bertie" and "Whoops, Mrs Miggins, You're Sitting On My Artichokes."
Captain Blackadder: Yes, I think bugger-all might rather be more fun.

Private Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir...
Captain Blackadder: Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where babies come from.
Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Captain Blackadder: Do you mean, "how did the war start?"
[Baldrick thinks for a moment]
Private Baldrick: Yeah!

Lieutenant George: You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.
Private Baldrick: Don't worry, Lieutenant; I'll come visit you.
Lieutenant George: Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.
Captain Blackadder: What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?

Captain Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war two great super-armies developed. Us, the Russians and the French on one side, Germany and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea being that each army would act as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Private Baldrick: Except, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Captain Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
Lieutenant George: O, what was that?
Captain Blackadder: It was bollocks.

Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Captain Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start?"
Private Baldrick: Yeah.

Private Baldrick: [re: the 1914 Christmas truce] Remember the football match?
Captain Blackadder: Remember it - how could I forget it - I was *never* offside! I could not *believe* that decision.

"Black Adder the Third: Sense and Senility (#1.4)" (1987)
Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah, it was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece.
Baldrick: [Baldrick nods] Yes.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who was playing Macbeth.

Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship.
Baldrick: Aaahh, thank you Mr. B.
Blackadder: But as we both know, it'll be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply, "Sod off," and if I ever meet you again, it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
Baldrick: Goodbye, you lazy big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.
Blackadder: I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words. I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you can survive five minutes here without me.
Baldrick: Oh come on, Mr. B., it's not as though we're gonna get murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it?
Blackadder: Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.

Baldrick: You look smart, Mr Blackadder. Going somewhere nice?
Blackadder: No. I'm off to the theatre.
Baldrick: Don't you like it then?
Blackadder: No I don't. A lot of stupid actors strutting around shouting, with their chests thrust out so far you'd think their nipples were attached to a pair of charging elephants. And the worst thing about it is having to go with Prince Mini-Brain!
Baldrick: What, doesn't he like it either?
Blackadder: Oh, no. He loves it. The problem is he doesn't realise it's made up.

Baldrick: Mr Blackadder always says, "When the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table!"

Prince George: Anarchist!
Baldrick: Cleaner!
Prince George: So you've had a wash, that's no excuse!

Blackadder: [after being insulted by the prince] All I can say is he'd better watch out. One more foot wrong and the contract between us, will be as broken as this milk jug.
[Blackadder picks up a milk jug]
Baldrick: But that milk jug isn't broken.
Blackadder: You really do walk into these things don't you?
[Blackadder breaks the milk jug on Baldrick's head to prove his point]

Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah, it was called "Macbeth".
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece?
Baldrick: Yeah.
Blackadder: Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: [a brief silence] Depends who was playing Macbeth.

Blackadder: Actors are very superstitious. On no account mention the word "Macbeth" this evening, alright?
Baldrick: Why not?
Blackadder: It brings them bad luck, and it makes them very unhappy.
Baldrick: Oh. So you won't be mentioning it either?
Blackadder: No. Well, not very often.
[Blackadder sips his tea]

"Blackadder Goes Forth: Captain Cook (#1.1)" (1989)
Captain Blackadder: I can't believe I've been so stupid.
Private Baldrick: Yeah, that is strange cause normally, I'm the stupid one.

[First lines]
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Private Baldrick: I'm carving something on a bullet, sir.
Captain Blackadder: What are you craving?
Private Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.
Captain Blackadder: Why?
Private Baldrick: It's part of a cunning plan, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Of course it is.
Private Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?
Captain Blackadder: Yes?
Private Baldrick: Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it. Cause I'll never shoot myself...
Captain Blackadder: Oh, shame!
Private Baldrick: And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed.
Captain Blackadder: Yes, it's not the only thing that is "very small indeed". Your brain for example- is brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Private Baldrick: You know my dad was a nun.
Captain Blackadder: No he wasn't.
Private Baldrick: He was too, sir. Cause whenever he was up in court and the judge asked "occupation", he'd say "none".

Captain Blackadder: Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant George: It's a good old service revolver.
Captain Blackadder: Wrong. It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
Lieutenant George: That's funny sir, because we didn't order those new trench-climbing ladders either.
Captain Blackadder: New ladders?
Lieutenant George: Yes, came yesterday. I issued them to the men, and they were absolutely thrilled.
[calls to Baldrick]
Lieutenant George: Isn't that right men?
Private Baldrick: Yes sir, first solid fuel we've had since we burned the cat.

Private Baldrick: Rat au Van, Sir.
Captain Blackadder: Rat au Van, Baldrick?
Private Baldrick: Yes Sir, it's Rat that's been
Captain Blackadder, Private Baldrick: Run over by a van.
Private Baldrick: Yes Baldrick.

General Melchett: Are you looking forward to the big push?
Private Baldrick: No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
General Melchett: The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
Captain Blackadder: About thirty-five miles behind you.

General Melchett: [to Baldrick] Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip and zing zang spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka?
Captain Blackadder: Permission to speak.
[Baldrick is silent]
Captain Blackadder: Answer the General, Baldrick!
Private Baldrick: [whispers] I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about.

"The Black Adder: The Foretelling (#1.1)" (1983)
Prince Edmund: And what is your name?
Baldrick: Baldrick, my Lord.
Prince Edmund: Then I will call you... Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I will call you my Lord, my Lord.

Prince Edmund: They're coming! Run for the hills!
Baldrick: No, my lord! They're coming from the hills!
Prince Edmund: Run away from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, go the other way!

Baldrick: My lord we can not lose!
Percy: Well we could if we wanted to.

[Edmund has just cut off the head of King Richard III]
Baldrick: What have you done?
Prince Edmund: Look!
Baldrick: Oh, dear. Richard the Third.

Prince Edmund: [after surveying the battle of Bosworth Field] Why, some people over there aren't fighting, they're just lying down!
Baldrick: They're dead, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Ah!

Prince Edmund: I shall be known from now on, as the Black Vegetable.
Baldrick: My lord, wouldn't something like the Black Adder sound better?

"Black Adder the Third: Ink and Incapability (#1.2)" (1987)
Blackadder: We are going to Mrs. Miggins' Coffee Shop, we are going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of his dictionary, and YOU are going to steal it.
Baldrick: Me?
Blackadder: Yes, you.
Baldrick: Why me?
Blackadder: Because you burnt it, Baldrick.
Baldrick: But then I will go to Hell forever for stealing.
Blackadder: Believe me, Baldrick, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil.

[referring to Dr. Johnson's dictionary]
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick. Where's the manuscript?
Baldrick: You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. The manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson.
Baldrick: You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. Dr. Johnson.
Baldrick: So, you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers. Now for the last time, Baldrick, where is Dr. Johnson's manuscript?
Baldrick: On the fire.
Blackadder: On the *what*?
Baldrick: The hot, orangy thing under the stony mantelpiece.

Blackadder: Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you? Two slices of bread with something in between.
Baldrick: What, like Gerald Lord Sandwich had the other day?
Blackadder: Yes, a few rounds of geralds.

Blackadder: [rewriting the dictionary] Baldrick, what have you done?
Baldrick: I've done "C" and "D."
Blackadder: Right. Let's have it, then.
Baldrick: Right. "Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in."
Blackadder: What's that?
Baldrick: "C."
Blackadder: Yes. Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high. Oh, and "D?"
Baldrick: I'm quite pleased with "dog."
Blackadder: Yes, and your definition of "dog" is?
Baldrick: "Not a cat."

Baldrick: Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.
Blackadder: The phrase, Baldrick, is "a case of sour grapes" - and yes it bloody well is.

"Blackadder Goes Forth: Corporal Punishment (#1.2)" (1989)
[while hungover]
Private Baldrick: Permission to die, sir?

[Baldrick enters the witness box at Blackadder's trial]
Captain Blackadder: [whispering] Baldrick, deny everything.
Lieutenant George: You are Private Baldrick?
Private Baldrick: No.
Lieutenant George: Are you not Captain Blackadder's batman?
Private Baldrick: No.
[Blackadder beats his head against the desk]

Private Baldrick: Pigeon, sir! There's a pigeon in our trench!
Lieutenant George: Ah, now this is it.
Lieutenant George: It's one of the king's carrier pigeons.
Private Baldrick: No it's not, sir, that pigeon couldn't carry the king.

[last lines]
[Blackadder has found Baldrick and George drunk]
Private Baldrick: I think I can explain sir.
Captain Blackadder: Can you, Baldrick?
Private Baldrick: No.
Captain Blackadder: As I suspected. I'm not a religious man as you know, but henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into practice with the pair of you.
[the phone rings. Blackadder snatches it up]
Captain Blackadder: Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling. Well, you know, some of us just have friends in high places, I suppose. No I can hear you perfectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename "Operation Certain Death". Yes I think I have just the fellows.
[He hangs up and looks at the two]
Captain Blackadder: God is very quick these days.
[George and Baldrick look terrified]

"Black Adder the Third: Dish and Dishonesty (#1.1)" (1987)
Blackadder: [Baldrick is applying for Parliament] Minimum bribe level?
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.

Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name: Baldrick. First name...?
Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea...
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick," and they'd say, "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, right right right right, Mr. S. Baldrick. Now; distinguishing features... None.
Baldrick: Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now; any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what, I'll cross out the in. Any history of *sanity* in the family? None whatsoever. Now then; criminal record...
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy. Now; minimum bribe level...
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?
Baldrick: Er, no.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?
Baldrick: I'd get a little turnip of my own.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?
Baldrick: Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.
Blackadder: [someone knocks at the door] Oh God, I'll get that. Here
[pushes paper to Baldrick]
Blackadder: , sign here.
[motions where with his hand; Baldrick marks an 'X' on Edmund's palm; Edmund presses his palm against the application]

Blackadder: [bashing Baldrick's head against the table] Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead my Lord.
Blackadder: [Whacks Baldrick's head against the table again] Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.
Baldrick: I haven't got it.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: I spent it.
Blackadder: You spent it? What could you possibly spend £400 000 on?
[Blackadder notices the massive turnip on the table]
Blackadder: Oh, no... oh God, don't tell me.
Baldrick: My dream turnip.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost £400 000?
Baldrick: Well, I had to haggle.
[Blackadder slams the turnip over Baldricks head]
Blackadder: This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, I've just broken a priceless turnip...
[there is a knock at the door followed by shouting]
Blackadder: ...and now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant. Well, all I can say, Baldrick, is that's the last time I dabble in politics

Blackadder: [enters in a lords gown] My lord.
Prince George: My Lords.
Blackadder: Pardon, sir?
Prince George: My Lords. There is more than one lord in the vicinity. Will you please welcome his Grace, the Lord Baldrick.
[Baldrick enters in his lordly regalia]
Blackadder: You made BALDRICK a Lord?
Prince George: Well, yes. One who has recently done sterling service, matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt. Good old Lord Baldrick!
Baldrick: It's all right Blackadder, you don't have to curtsey or anything.
Blackadder: Sir, might I let loose a short violent exclamation?
Prince George: Certainly.
Blackadder: [Blackadder moves discreetly sideways, then shouts] DAMN!
Prince George: I say, that's a bit of a strange get up, isn't it Blackadder?
Blackadder: No sir, I'm just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.
[he walks towards the door, stops and turns]
Blackadder: There is one little question, sir. About the £400 000 to influence the lords...
Prince George: Ah, yes. I gave that to Lord Baldrick.
Blackadder: [Looking pleased] Ahh! Sir, might I be permitted to take Lord Baldrick downstairs for some instruction in his lordly duties?
Prince George: I think that's a splendid idea.
Blackadder: [to Baldrick] This way, my Lord.
[Leaves with cloak raised, Dracula-esque]

"The Black Adder: The Archbishop (#1.3)" (1983)
Prince Edmund: Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?
Baldrick: I dunno, my lord. But it can't have been worse than what they used to do to each other.

Prince Edmund: [after hearing the possible money-making schemes of being archbishop] Selling the sexual favours of Nuns? Some people actually pay for them?
Baldrick: Foreign business men, other nuns, yes.

Prince Edmund: [they are discussing pardons to be sold by the Church] And who's that one signed by?
Baldrick: Eh, both Popes.
[hinting that it is fake]

Baldrick: [Baldrick is showing Blackadder items that he says were made by Jesus as a carpenter, he holds up an unfinished item] Oh, I haven't finished this one yet.

"Black-Adder II: Money (#1.4)" (1986)
Baldrick: [Baldrick knocks on Blackadder's bedroom door to find him sleeping with a prostitute] My Lord? There's someone at the door.
Blackadder: [wakes up groggily] What time is it?
Baldrick: It's, uh, four o'clock.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how many times have I told you, you mustn't let me sleep all day! This woman charges by the hour!
Baldrick: Uh, no, my Lord, it's, uh, four o'clock in the morning.
Blackadder: Someone wants to see me at four o'clock in the morning? What is he, a giant lark?
Baldrick: Uh, no, I think he's a priest.
Blackadder: Well, tell him to take his sacred backside elsewhere! And tell him that furthermore, if he comes nosing around again, I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns children during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards!

Blackadder: Baldrick!
Baldrick: My lord?
Blackadder: Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.
Baldrick and Percy: [Shocked] What?
Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.

Baldrick: There's a priest wants t'see you, m'lord.
Blackadder: Well, tell him I'm Jewish.

Baldrick: [Black Adder is in desperate need of money to pay a debt to the Bank of the Black Monks of St Herod] I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks. Doing favours for sailors.
Blackadder: What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?

"Black Adder the Third: Nob and Nobility (#1.3)" (1987)
Baldrick: Yes, I shall certainly choose revolutionary France for my holiday again next year.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick: I'm glad to say you won't be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are.
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick: We do nothing...
Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.
Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing... until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder: And then we... spring into action?

Blackadder: Stick the kettle on, Baldrick
Baldrick: What? Aren't we going to France?
Blackadder: Of course we're not going to France! It's incredibly dangerous!
Baldrick: Well, how you gonna win your bet?
Blackadder: Simple, Baldrick. By the use of the large thing between my ears.
Baldrick: Ohhh. Your nose.

Edmund Blackadder, Esq, Butler to the Prince: Wait a minute. I've thought of a plan.
Baldrick: Hurray!
Edmund Blackadder, Esq, Butler to the Prince: Also, I've thought of a way to get you to sleep.
Baldrick: What?
Baldrick: [Blackadder hits Baldrick, presumably on top of the head] Ooh!

"Blackadder Goes Forth: Private Plane (#1.4)" (1989)
Lord Flasheart: You look like a decent British bloke. I'll park the old booties on you if that's okay.
Private Baldrick: It would be an honour, my Lord.
Lord Flasheart: Of course it would! Ha!
Lord Flasheart: [Flashheart rests his feet on Baldrick's back and sighs] Have you any idea what it's like to have the wind rushing through your hair, George?
Lieutenant George: No, Sir.
Lord Flasheart: [Flashheart breaks wind in Baldrick's face] He has!

Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing?
Private Baldrick: I'm a Sopwith Camel, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Ah, it is a Sopwith Camel. I always get confused between the sound of a Sopwith Camel, and the sound of a malodorous runt wasting everybody's time.

[Blackadder's aircraft has been hit by machine gun fire]
Private Baldrick: [voice] I hope we land on something soft!
Captain Blackadder: [voice] Fine - I'll aim for the spot between General Melchet's ears!

[a formation of British planes fly over the countryside]
Captain Blackadder: [voice] They're right, you know - this is a doddle.
[the plane wobbles slightly]
Captain Blackadder: Oops, a little wobble there! Right, let's take stock - Baldrick, how many rounds have we got?
Private Baldrick: [voice] 500, sir - cheese and tomato for you, rat for me!

"Blackadder Goes Forth: Major Star (#1.3)" (1989)
[the Russian Revolution has hit the trenches]
Private Baldrick: Sir, sir it's all over the trenches!
Captain Blackadder: Well, mop it up then.

Private Baldrick: [Blackadder has kicked Baldrick] You mustn't do that to me, sir, 'cause that is a bourgeois act of repression, sir!
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: Haven't you smelt it, sir? There's something afoot in the wind! The huddled masses, yearning to be free!
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, have you been in the diesel oil again?
Private Baldrick: No sir, I've been supping the milk of freedom! Already our Russian comrades are poised on the brink of revolution. And here too, sir, the huddled wossnames - such as myself, sir - are ready to throw off the hated oppressors like you and the lieutenant! Present company excepted, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Go and clean out the latrines.
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

Private Baldrick: They've already taken down Nicholas II, who used to be bizarre!
Captain Blackadder: That's 'the tsar.'

"Black-Adder II: Beer (#1.5)" (1986)
Blackadder: Baldrick, get the door.
[there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door]
Blackadder: Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good.
Baldrick: You said get the door.
Blackadder: Not good enough, you're fired.
Baldrick: But, my Lord, I've been in your family since 1532.
Blackadder: So has syphilis. Now get out.

Blackadder: So, Baldrick, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, I want you to pass me water. Understand?
Baldrick: Yes, m'lord. When you ask for ale, I pass water.

Blackadder: Baldrick! Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?
Baldrick: To catch mice my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
Blackadder: And do they?
Baldrick: Not yet my lord.
Blackadder: That's right, your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom.

"Black Adder the Third: Duel and Duality (#1.6)" (1987)
Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.
Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
Blackadder: Quite.

[in reference to McAdder, Blackadder's Scottish cousin]
Baldrick: He's the spitting image of you.
Blackadder: No, he's not! We're about as similar as two completely dis-similar things in a pod.

Baldrick: Well my cousin Bert Baldrick, Mr Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, says that he's heard that all portraits look the same these days, 'cause they're painted to a romantic ideal rather than as a true depiction of the idiosycratic facial qualities of the person in question.
Blackadder: [impressed] Your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary than you do, Baldrick.

"The Black Adder: Born to Be King (#1.2)" (1983)
Baldrick: I have a cunning plan...

Prince Edmund: [facing a fireplace] And then one day...
Percy: [appears beside Edmund] You would be king, my lord.
[Edmund turns to him, then back to Baldrick]
Prince Edmund: Ah, yes! Yes I would be King.
[turns around]
Prince Edmund: And THEN what?
Percy, Baldrick: [in unison] You rule the world, my lord!
Prince Edmund: Precisely!

Blackadder: The Cavalier Years (1988) (TV)
Edmund Blackadder: Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed, man-eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.
Baldrick: In what way?
Edmund Blackadder: It doesn't exist.

Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to save the king.
Edmund Blackadder: Ha! Well forgive me if a don't do a cartwheel of joy; your family's history in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy O'Leg McNolegs' personal best in the Market Harborough marathon.

"The Black Adder: The Queen of Spain's Beard (#1.4)" (1983)
Baldrick: My Lord...
Prince Edmund: What?
Baldrick: I also have a plan.
Prince Edmund: Yes?
Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
Prince Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!
Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, *intimate* company of men...?
Prince Edmund: You don't mean... like the Earle of Doncaster...?
Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.
Prince Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.
Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?
Prince Edmund: Well, no-one wou -
Prince Edmund: Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earle of Doncaster!... except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.

Baldrick: [as Edmund and Percy are dressing him up to sneak into the Infanta's room] Please my lord, I beg you to reconsider...
Prince Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it!
Baldrick: But I'll die in there!
[meaning the room that Infanta is in]
Prince Edmund: Don't worry. We'll give you a hero's funeral, bury you at sea, say you died in combat, with an enemy vessel.

"Black-Adder II: Chains (#1.6)" (1986)
[At the Queen's costume party, Baldrick is crouched with two pencils up his nose]
Queen Elizabeth: What are you meant to be?
Baldrick: A pencil case.

"Black-Adder II: Potato (#1.3)" (1986)
[Blackadder shows Baldrick a potato]
Blackadder: I mean, look at this. What is it?
Baldrick: I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.
Blackadder: I haven't forgotten; it's a rhetorical question.
Baldrick: No, it's a potato.

"Blackadder Goes Forth: General Hospital (#1.5)" (1989)
Captain Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with "T".
Private Baldrick: Breakfast.
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage, then a egg with some little soldiers.
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T", I was talking about a letter.
Private Baldrick: Nah - it never begins with a letter. The postman don't come till 10.30.
Captain Blackadder: I can't go on with this. George, take over.
Lieutenant George: All right, sir. Umm... I spy with my little eye something beginning with "R"
Private Baldrick: Army.
Captain Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick. Army starts with an "A". He's looking for something that starts with an "R". Rrrrrrr.
Private Baldrick: Motorbike
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: Well, a motorbike starts with an rrrrm rrrrm rrrrm.
Captain Blackadder: Right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends in "Ow"?
Private Baldrick: I don't know.
Captain Blackadder: Come here.
Private Baldrick: [Blackadder punches Baldrick in the face] Ow!

"Black-Adder II: Head (#1.2)" (1986)
[first lines]
Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes... and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: ...and that one.
Blackadder: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Oh. Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

"The Black Adder: The Black Seal (#1.6)" (1983)
Prince Edmund: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.
Percy: Me? why?
Prince Edmund: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.
Percy: Oh, I see.
Prince Edmund: And as for you, Baldrick...
Baldrick: My Lord?
Prince Edmund: You're out too.