Salem Saberhagen
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Quotes for
Salem Saberhagen (Character)
from "Sabrina, the Teenage Witch" (1996)

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"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Five Easy Pieces of Libby (#2.14)" (1998)
Zelda Spellman: I've done it! I'm on the verge of one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs in the history of mankind.
Salem Saberhagen: How incredible!
[to Sabrina]
Salem Saberhagen: You gonna finish that toast?
Zelda Spellman: You know that formula I've been working on? I found the key ingredient.
Sabrina Spellman: Liquorice?
Zelda Spellman: Oh, don't be silly, Sabrina, liquorice won't cure allergies. It's ostrich saliva.
Hilda Spellman: [to Sabrina] The hard part is getting them to drool. Give me that.
[Reaches for Zelda's beaker, which smashes on the floor; the entire room is suddenly spotless]
Sabrina Spellman: Wow! One drop of that and the whole kitchen is spotlessly clean!
Hilda Spellman: I'll say! The walls, the table, the counters...
Sabrina Spellman: Salem!
Salem Saberhagen: [Salem has turned completely white] I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped twenty points.
Zelda Spellman: [Pointing at Sabrina, Hilda and herself] Blonde, blonde, blonde.
[Pointing at Salem]
Zelda Spellman: Dead.

Salem Saberhagen: Man! This house is so spotless and germ free Howard Hughes could live here!
Hilda Spellman: Zelda, if we could market this stuff, we'd make a fortune!
Salem Saberhagen: Good luck! The FDA will never approve of ostrich saliva. Those pencil pushing bureaucrats have ruined many a dream.
Hilda Spellman: Well, we could still sell it in the Other Realm. What do you say, Zeldy?
Zelda Spellman: No. I made this formula to cure allergies and end suffering, not to whiten.
Hilda Spellman: You ever cleaned a toilet? That's suffering! Besides, you said it didn't even cure allergies.
Zelda Spellman: Yet! Medical breakthroughs take time, get off my back! This is why Pasteur broke up with you!
Hilda Spellman: He told me he had to work out stuff with his Mother!
Salem Saberhagen: You gotta hand it to Zelda. She's a pillar of integrity.
Hilda Spellman: Yeah. Let's steal her formula!

Hilda Spellman: [Hilda and Salem approach Zelda's lab] The coast is clear! Operation "Find the Allergy Formula, That Also Cleans, Don't Get Caught and Make a Lot of Money" is underway.
Salem Saberhagen: You start looking, and I'll start workin' on a shorter code name.

Hilda Spellman: [Hilda and Salem have made a commercial for their new cleaning product] Here it comes!
Hilda Spellman: [On TV, holding up a stone] This dungeon stone is white, but what would you call this one?
[Holds up a whiter stone]
Salem Saberhagen: Bright!
Hilda Spellman: Exactly! And that's why, for the next twenty minutes, we'll be telling you how you can get your house this clean with new Scientist-in-a-Drum!
Salem Saberhagen: And now, here's Bruce Jenner to tell you more.

"Sabrina's Secret Life: Baby Makes Three (#1.18)" (2004)
Sabrina: I don't know if there is a diaper spell.
Salem: I've never even seen a diaper.

Sabrina: [Baby cries non-stop] I think we need to burp the baby.
Maritza: How do you do that?
Sabrina: I don't know, I guess you hold her and pat her on the back.
[Martiza pats the baby]
Sabrina: Gently!
[the baby throws up all over Salem]
Sabrina: Eww, I think she spit up.
Salem: [Licks it up] Not bad.

"Sabrina: Secrets of a Teenage Witch: Dances with Werewolves (#1.1)" (2013)
Salem: Sabrina's back. Lap time for me.

Salem: Let's greenlight some trouble.

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Little Big Kraft (#2.13)" (1998)
Salem Saberhagen: [Sabrina tells Salem about her day with with a "Teenage" Mr. Kraft in charge] He played Smells like Teen Spirit with his nose?
Sabrina Spellman: Four verses!

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Sabrina, the Teenage Boy (#2.6)" (1997)
Sabrina Spellman: [Sabrina walks into her bedroom dressed as "Jack"] Salem, My man!
Salem Saberhagen: [shocked] Whoa, Adolesence is not sitting well with you!
Sabrina Spellman: [picks up Perfume bottle] Gonna walk among the guys, see what makes you tick.
Salem Saberhagen: Freeze!
[Sabrina stops]
Salem Saberhagen: Don't squirt that perfume unless you wanna be a boy who gets beaten up.
Sabrina Spellman: [Puts down bottle] Man, that was close.
Salem Saberhagen: It's not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinkin' like a dude. Picked a name yet?
Sabrina Spellman: Kirby?
Salem Saberhagen: We're back to getting beaten up here.

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Witch Trash (#2.9)" (1997)
Boyd: Well, look at what the magic book can do, this place looks like the Taj Mahal with indoor plummin'.
Salem Saberhagen: Sorry folks, Graceland is closed today.
Maw Maw: You know cat make *real* nice jerky.
[Salem sobs in fear]

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: A River of Candy Corn Runs Through It (#2.7)" (1997)
Asher: Cool, a talking Cat. Say "Asher." Ash-er!
Salem Saberhagen: Loser! Los-er!

"Sabrina: Secrets of a Teenage Witch: Ice Giant for Tea (#1.3)" (2013)
Professor Geist: Pick a monster. Any monster.

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: The Long and Winding Short Cut (#3.22)" (1999)
Sabrina Spellman: [trying to solve a clue] 'M' plus fire? I've got it! Mfire!
Salem Saberhagen: Right! Mfire! That makes so much sense. Let's use it in a sentence.
Salem Saberhagen: Run! Run! The house is on mfire.
Sabrina Spellman: I've got a better one. You're mfired!
Salem Saberhagen: You can't mfire me! I mquit!

"Sabrina: Secrets of a Teenage Witch: Ultra-Stitious (#1.13)" (2014)
Salem: Friday the 13th is quickly becoming my least favorite day of the year.

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Quiz Show (#2.22)" (1998)
Hilda Spellman: I've got it! I remember how to turn myself into fire.
Salem Saberhagen: If it involves dried branches and kerosene, it's not really magic.

"Sabrina: Secrets of a Teenage Witch: Scream It with Flowers (#1.2)" (2013)
Salem: It's good to be the kitty.

"Sabrina: Secrets of a Teenage Witch: What a Ride (#1.22)" (2014)
Salem: I don't know how much more this cat can eat but I'm interested in finding out.

"Sabrina: Secrets of a Teenage Witch: Home Sweet Home (#1.19)" (2014)
Professor Geist: Well, would you look at that. I guess there's a someone for everybody.
Sabrina Spellman: Yep. This could be the beginning of a beautiful frog-ship

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Boy Was My Face Red (#3.2)" (1998)
Salem: For one kiss I will let you know that embarrassment is cross-referenced in the magic book under Gerald Ford
Sabrina: Hey, thanks, Salem!
Salem: Wait, I didn't do that right.

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Oh What a Tangled Spell She Weaves (#2.11)" (1997)
Salem: [comes running down the stairs as a kitten] I found the Fountain of Youth! It's the toilet!

"Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Dream Date (#1.6)" (1996)
Sabrina Spellman: [to Harvey on the phone after Zelda walks out] You were saying?
Salem Saberhagen: [snickers from inside picnic basket]
Sabrina Spellman: One more sec.
[lowers phone and walks over to basket as Salem lifts his head out]
Sabrina Spellman: Salem, are you spying on me?
Salem Saberhagen: I'm a cat. I'm curious. So kill me.
Sabrina Spellman: Out!
[opens basket and pulls Salem out]
Salem Saberhagen: Fine. I understand the delicacy of the moment.
[Sabrina drops him off outside the kitchen and he runs off, sing-song teasing]
Salem Saberhagen: Harvey and Sabrina, Harvey and Sabrina.