Joe Friday
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Quotes for
Joe Friday (Character)
from "Dragnet" (1951)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Dragnet (1987)
Sylvia Wiss: [pulls her top off] Do these look like the breasts of a forty year old woman?
Friday: No ma'am. They're quite impressive... bordering on spectacular.

Joe Friday: I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from, there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605. 10. 20. 22. 24. 26. 50. 70. 80. It specifies: clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit, and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them.

Joe Friday: Ma'am, what is the approximate dry weight of the average Madagascan fruit tree bat?
Pep Streebeck: You mean you don't know?

Joe Friday: Ah, sure, but just like every other foaming, rabid psycho in this city with a foolproof plan, you've forgotten you're facing the single finest fighting force ever assembled.
Reverend Jonathan Whirley: The Israelis?

[Friday is about to eat a chili dog]
Pep Streebeck: You know the kinds of things that can fall into an industrial sausage press? Not excluding rodent hairs and... bug excrement?
[Friday gives a disgusted look]
Joe Friday: I hate you, Streebeck.

Pep Streebeck: Are you crazy? Silvia Wiss wanted you!
Friday: Now let me tell you something, Streebeck. There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we're capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now, you might be an exception, but don't drag me down into your private Hell.
Pep Streebeck: You've got a lot of repressed feelings, don't you, Friday? Must be what keeps your hair up.

[on a multi-lane highway, traffic all around is passing and sounding horns]
Pep Streebeck: You know, uh, Friday, we're allowed to go 55... On some occasions, even faster.
Friday: I'm well aware of the federally mandated speed limit, Streebeck. But, did it ever occur to you that, by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gasoline and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers out there who pay our salaries?
Pep Streebeck: Friday, a little extra gas isn't gonna put the city in hock; besides, this looks bad! Come on, live a little - it's the vertical pedal on the right.

Friday: Look out. Muppets!

[reading from huge lit up sign]
Joe Friday: People... Against... Goodness... And... Normalcy. P, A, G, A, N. P.A.G.A.N.!
Pep Streebeck: Nice work, Joe.

[after bursting into a suspected drug factory with a tank that ruptures all equipment in its path, sticks out tongue to identify liquid spraying in all directions]
Pep Streebeck: I can't quite place it! It tastes like...
Joe Friday: Milk. Just like the sign said before you obliterated it. Fresh wholesome milk.
Pep Streebeck: You probably love this stuff.
Joe Friday: Vitamin D, calcium, essential for good strong bones and healthy teeth. But that's all Greek to you, isn't it, Mr. Gingivitis?

Enid Borden: [Friday knocks on her door, she opens] What the hell do you want?
Joe Friday: [as he and Streebek show their badges] Police officers, maam.
Enid Borden: 'Bout time you pencil-dicks showed up. Why couldn't you have gotten here before that big bad stupid-looking piece of sewage breath stole my white wedding dress?
Joe Friday: 'Sewage-breath' is your little nickname for?
Enid Borden: Muzz. Emil Muzz.
Pep Streebeck: [Looks at Friday] Not much of an improvement.

Joe Friday: [Friday addresses Whirley after he has entered a bathroom stall] Hold it right there, Whirley. Police officer, you're under arrest.
Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I beg your pardon, what is this? Some kind of a feeble joke?
Joe Friday: Oh, it's a real knee-slapper, friend, if you consider California Penal Code section 4A, 4207A, 597 and 217: Theft, Kidnapping, Cruelty to Animals, and Attempted Murder something to laugh about.
Reverend Jonathan Whirley: [seated on the toilet with his pants around his ankles] I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
Joe Friday: My partner and I witnessed that little torchlight picnic you threw last night, we're gonna put you where your kind always ends up - in a seven by seven foot grey-green metal cage in the fifteenth floor of some hundred-year-old penitentiary, with damp, stinking walls and a wooden plank for a bed. Sure, this city isn't perfect, we need a smut-free life for all of our citizens; cleaner streets, better schools, and a good hockey team. But the big difference between you and me, mister, is you made the promise, and I'm going to keep it.
[everyone applauds]

Friday: Can you tell me how much a monthly run of your "magazine" is worth?
Jerry Caesar: Well, let's just thay it's more money than you'll ever thee in your life. And I do that every month.
Friday: At least my money is clean.
Jerry Caesar: Tell you what you can do, Friday, before you go home and thtart polithing your pennieth. Why don't you go out there and get my magathineth back on the thtandth where they belong?
Friday: Listen, hotshot. I'm gonna tell you something right now. I don't care for you or for the putrid sludge you're troweling out. But until they change the laws and put you sleaze kings out of business, my job is to help you get back your stench ridden boxes of smut. And since I'll be doing it holding my nose, I'll be doing it with one hand.

Caesar Mansion intercom: Oh, thank God, vibrator repair!
Friday: No, ma'am, LAPD. Sorry.

Pep Streebeck: Well, what a pleasant surprise... Grannie Friday...
Friday: Not that it's any of your business, she's my maternal grandmother, her name is Mundy.

Captain Gannon: Frank won't be coming into work today Joe.
Friday: 24 hour virus?
Captain Gannon: Or tomorrow.
Friday: 48 hour?
Captain Gannon: Frank quit, moved to Ukiah, bought a goat farm...

[Friday's car was stolen]
Friday: With the exception of you and canned cling peaches I'd be hard pressed to find anyone or anything that doesn't know you should never leave your car keys in the ignition.
Pep Streebeck: It's called a mistake, Friday, but I don't suppose you ever make any of those, do you?
Captain Gannon: Friday, Streebeck, we got another one. Chemical train hijack down at the freight yards. Damn Pagans must be living on No-Doz!
Friday: Yessir, Captain. We'll roll as soon as we requisition a new...
Captain Gannon: Oh, one more thing. Police and fire departments all over the county have been reporting vehicles stolen. So keep an eye on your car!

Connie Swail: Why is his so much bigger than yours?
Joe Friday: Ma'am?
Connie Swail: Your gun.
Joe Friday: I've never needed more.

Pep Streebeck: Hey partner. I tried to call you up till midnight. I didn't know the Christian Science reading rooms stayed open so late.
Joe Friday: Not that it's any of your business, but I spend the evening in the company of Connie Swail.
Pep Streebeck: Don't you mean "the Virgin Connie Swail"?
[Friday looks at Streebeck as the Dragnet theme starts]
Pep Streebeck: Wait a minute!

Joe Friday: After losing the two previous vehicles we had been issued, the only car the department was willing to release to us at this point was an unmarked 1987 Yugo, a Yugoslavian import donated to the department as a test vehicle by the government of that country and reflecting the cutting edge of Serbo-Croatian technology.

[Friday and Streebeck's squad car has just been blown up]
Joe Friday: My hat was in that car.
Pep Streebeck: Yeah, well I can tell you just who re-blocked it for you.

Joe Friday: [looking at a lion who's mane has been shaved into a mohawk] Somebody must have wanted that lion's mane pretty bad to pull a twisted stunt like that.
Pep Streebeck: Although, as mohawks go it's not that bad. It'll grow back.
Joe Friday: Yeah, and how do you tell that to these kids here who have never seen a lion before and now probably won't have the desire to ever see one again.
Pep Streebeck: Kids, it'll grow back.
[kids cheer]

Enid Borden: The magazines and papers were his down in the trash. No cheques or money, I looked. I should have thrown it all in the river the day he left but unlike some people I have a heart, goddamnit, the miserable little bag of puke.
Joe Friday: I think we're finished here, don't you Detective Streebeck?

Captain Gannon: [after waking Capt. Gannon and briefing him in the middle of the night] Friday, do you have any idea what time it is?
Joe Friday: Yes sir.
[looks at his watch]
Pep Streebeck: Oh, don't ask him that, Captain.
Joe Friday: It's 4:27am, sir.
Pep Streebeck: He lives for that. It's in his blood.

Pep Streebeck: You know, Friday, I think you and the Commissioner would make a cute couple. I like the way you both keep your jaws locked. Plus the two of you do share that same curious affection for hats.
Joe Friday: May I remind you that only this morning Commissioner Kirkpatrick threatened to turn me into a... civilian?
Pep Streebeck: Yeah, I know. There was was a gleam in her eye, though...

Pep Streebeck: This guy knows God personally, I hear they play racquetball together.
Joe Friday: Well, just go ahead and chuckle away, mister. I don't hear God laughing.
Pep Streebeck: You will, once he sees your haircut.

Joe Friday: [reading from notebook during high speed chase] "Reckless endangerment of human life, willful disregard of private property, failure to signal for a... "
Pep Streebeck: Yeah, he's really raking up the violations, isn't he.
Joe Friday: Not him, you. This is your one way ticket back to civilian life, Mr. I-Like-To-Throw-The-Book-Out-The-Window.
Pep Streebeck: That's a good idea.
[throws book out the window]

Granny Mundy: Do join us, Detective Swayback.
Joe Friday: Streebeck.
Pep Streebeck: Pep.

Joe Friday: [about Reverend Jonathan Whirley] And he'd better tell me where Connie is or I'll shove that collar so far down his throat I'll have to take off his shoes to ring his neck!
Pep Streebeck: Friday, listen to yourself! You're not thinking like a cop any more, you're thinking like a man in love!

Joe Friday: "Prepare the virgin"? I don't like the sound of that.
Pep Streebeck: Let's just hope they're not referring to you.

Pagans: [chanting] Kill the good! Kill the good! Kill the good!
Joe Friday: [to the crowd, showing his badge to them] You are all under arrest!
[They keep chanting]
Joe Friday: Each of you has the right to remain silent! If you waive the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law!
Pep Streebeck: Oh for crying out loud!
[Pulls out his gun, cocks it, and fires warning shots in the air, which finally disperse the crowd]

Joe Friday: There's the limo from the mansion.
Pep Streebeck: Yeah, and that's Emil Muzz.
Joe Friday: Let's check Enid Bordon's description.
Pep Streebeck: Well?
[Opens his notebook and reads from it]
Pep Streebeck: Big, bad, stupid-looking.
Joe Friday: An exact match.

Pep Streebeck: [both looking at Connie Swail in Enid Borden's wedding dress] 2 to 1, that's Enid Borden's wedding dress.
Joe Friday: 20 to 1 Enid Borden didn't look that good on her wedding day.

Pep Streebeck: [to Friday] Can you swim?
Joe Friday: Red Cross junior lifesaver with clusters, bub!
Pep Streebeck: Silly me.

Joe Friday: Connie, I'd like you to meet my maternal grandmother Mrs. Grace Mundy. Granny, this is the virgin Connie Swail.
Granny Mundy: You're kidding.
Connie Swail: Hi.

Joe Friday: Alright, let's run through it again. You say you're a Pagan, but we caught you working for Jerry Caeser. That makes you a plant in my book. Why don't you just make it easy on yourself and lead us to the stolen magazines?
Emil Muzz: [Giving the finger to Friday] Jump on this and spin, cop! I'm not saying another word until my attourney gets here!
Pep Streebeck: Say Joe, wouldn't a couple of danishes go great with this coffee right now?
[as he says this, he opens the drawer he used on Muzz earlier, and Muzz looks horrified]

Friday: But that's all Greek to you, isn't it, Mr. Gingivitis?

Friday: [on a motorcycle with Pep] Streebeck, there's no road here!

Friday: [to Pep] They ought to transfer you to Missing Persons, Streebeck. You know everybody.

Pep Streebeck: Oh Joe, you never had these feelings before, have you?
Joe Friday: Almost. I had a kitten once.
Pep Streebeck: Yeah, it's going to be a little different. Connie is not going to be sleeping in a box, or meowing all night, or clawing up your drapes. Or maybe she will. I mean, you're both kind of starting from scratch with this.


"Dragnet: The Big Seventeen (#2.4)" (1952)
Sgt. Joe Friday: This is the city. Two million people, almost a million kids. The people have tried to plan for 'em. They built schools for 'em to learn in; beaches and parks for 'em to play in. Most of the kids follow the course as planned. A few of 'em get lost on the way. When they do, it makes trouble for me. I'm a cop.

Sgt. Joe Friday: It was Thursday, April 10th. We were working the day watch out of juvenile division. My partner's Frank Smith; the boss is Captain Stine. My name's Friday.

Sgt. Joe Friday: A crime wave had suddenly erupted among the teenagers of the city. We were getting reports of robberies, burglaries and bodily assault. We didn't know why it was happening, but we had to try to stop it.

Clyde Barton: In that scramble here in the lobby, that little box fell out of one of the kid's pockets. One of the ushers brought it to me. Here, have a look.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Frank...
Officer Frank Smith #1: Uh-huh.
Clyde Barton: I don't know much about it, Sergeant, but I got a hunch. I don't think I've made a mistake.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah.
Clyde Barton: What do you think?
Sgt. Joe Friday: No sir, there's no mistake - marijuana.

Harold Everson Snr: I can't believe it. My own boy using marijuana. Can't tell you how I feel.
Officer Frank Smith #1: I'm afraid there are more folks feeling the same way before this is cleaned up.
Harold Everson Snr: But it would be different if Harry didn't have a chance. A good home, good training - the boy had the best I could give him.
Officer Frank Smith #1: Yes sir.
Harold Everson Snr: It's the last thing in the world I thought could happen. I never even thought about having an addict... It neve even entered my mind.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yes sir.
Harold Everson Snr: The same for my wife. We never worried about it. Neither of us.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Maybe that's why it happened.

Sgt. Joe Friday: The pattern was familiar enough for us to know they were telling the truth. Almost two months ago, the word had gone around among the teenagers in the neighborhood that marijuana, along with other stimulating drugs, was to be had easily and in quantity for anybody who wanted them. Word was passed around that it was the new thing to do, the smart thing to do if you wanted to keep up with the crowd.

Harold Everson Jnr: I don't know if you'll find him right away. He probably heard about the trouble today. Johnny's a pretty smart guy.
Sgt. Joe Friday: We'll find him.
Harold Everson Jnr: Nobody knows much about him. He never talks about what he's doin'; he never tells anybody anything.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Well, he told you. How smart was that?

Mrs. Demmering: Tomorrow's Johnny's birthday, you know; I meant to tell you. I always expect him home on his birthday. Seems no matter where he is, no matter how he's tied up with school or sports or something, Johnny always makes it home on his birthday.
Sgt. Joe Friday: I see.
Mrs. Demmering: I wonder how it will be tomorrow. He's never missed being at home on his birthday - not once.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Well, if he shows up, I guess you can count on one thing, ma'am.
Mrs. Demmering: What's that?
Sgt. Joe Friday: He might have to miss next year.

Sgt. Joe Friday: When he was at school, Johnny was kept supplied with narcotics by a man named Jocko Harris. He's what we call a pusher, a kind of in-between supply man in the narcotics trade.

Sgt. Joe Friday: He was lying face up in the water near a clump of trees. He was a good-looking - dark hair, good build, handsome. Took only one look and you knew right away he was too young to be dead. You could argue for a week but you couldn't change it. He was dead.

Evelyn Maxford: He was a good boy, Sergeant. He was smart. How could he ever get started in such a thing? How could he make such a mistake?
Sgt. Joe Friday: He had the best excuse in the world, Miss.
Evelyn Maxford: Yes?
Sgt. Joe Friday: He was seventeen.


Dragnet (1954)
Max Troy: You got nothing to take to court! You got a phone number, it don't prove up. I could write down Eisenhower and it don't prove up for twenty cents. That's all the evidence you got, you take it downtown and they won't let you in the washroom with it! Now get off my back and hand me that ashtray!
Sgt. Joe Friday: You've got the Cadillac - drive over and get it!

Captain R.A. Lohrman: What about the victim, you think Starkey was in trouble?
Sgt. Joe Friday: He was at 4 o'clock this afternoon.

Max Troy: This gonna take long?
Sgt. Joe Friday: You've got the time.
Max Troy: Mine's worth money, yours isn't!
Sgt. Joe Friday: Send in a bill.
Max Troy: I asked you a question!
Sgt. Joe Friday: You're here to answer 'em, not ask 'em!
Max Troy: Now, listen to me, Cop. I pay your salary.
Sgt. Joe Friday: All right, sit down. I'm gonna earn it.
Max Troy: You already have, the kind of money you make. What do they pay you to carry that badge around, 40 cents an hour?
Sgt. Joe Friday: You sit down! That badge pays 464 dollars a month. That's what the job's worth. I knew that when I hired on. $67.40 comes out with withholding. I give $27.84 for pension and 12 bucks for widows and orphans. That leaves me with $356.76. That badge is worth a dollar 82 an hour so Mister, better settle back into that chair because I'm about to blow about 20 bucks of it right now.

[Friday has unsuccessfully interrogated Chester Davitt]
Captain James E. Hamilton, Intelligence: He won't cop out.
Sgt. Joe Friday: He can smell the gas.

[Hamilton and Friday read the Dead Body, or DB, Report on Miller Starkey]
Captain James E. Hamilton, Intelligence: Shotgun, extreme close range, double-O. Starkey was hit four times, first two cut him in half.
Sgt. Joe Friday: The second two turned him into a crowd.

Max Troy: Now you listen to me, cop, I pay your salary!
Sgt. Joe Friday: All right, sit down, I'm gonna earn it!

Doctor: I'm sorry, was Mr. Troy a friend of yours?
Sgt. Joe Friday: No sir, we hardly knew him.

[an eyewitness is afraid to testify]
Jesse Quinn: Mr. Friday, I'd like to ask you a question. If you was me, would you do it?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Can I wait awhile?
Jesse Quinn: Huh?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Before I'm you.

Sgt. Joe Friday: [as Troy's friend starts to stand up] Unless you're growin', Sit down!


"Dragnet 1967: The LSD Story (#1.1)" (1967)
Friday: You're pretty high and far out. What kind of kick are you on, son?

Sergeant Joe Friday: The subject was booked under Section 601 - in danger of leading an idle, dissolute, or immoral life.

Officer Bill Gannon: [Friday and Bill pull Benjie's head out of the ground] Stand still.
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: [they begin to frisk him] Reality, man, reality! I could see the center of the earth! Purple flame down there with a pilot light! All the way down! Purple flame down there and a pilot light!
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: He's clean, Joe, except for these.
[holds out sugar cubes]
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: The pilot light of all creation and reality!
Friday: What's your name, son?
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: [tracing letters in the air] You can see my name if you look hard enough.
Friday: Come on now, what's your name?
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: Don't you know my name? My name's Blue Boy!
Officer Bill Gannon: What do you think, Joe, cartwheels?
Friday: [Blue Boy appears to not be paying attention] No, sugarcubes. I'll bet you he's been dropping that acid we've been hearing about. All right son, you're under arrest. It's our duty to advise you of your constitutional rights. You have the right to remain silent, and any statement you make may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to the presence of an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed before any questioning. Do you understand that?
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: [suddenly alert] There I am! I'm over there now! I'm not here anymore. My hair's green and I'm a tree!

Officer Bill Gannon: You ever see anybody this torn up?
Friday: Unless he's not strung out on sugar cubes.
Officer Bill Gannon: Yeah.
Friday: All right, let's take him to Central Receiving.
Officer Bill Gannon: Come on, son.
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: Even if your body does die, your mind will live on.
Officer Bill Gannon: Yeah, we know. Come on.
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: You're the dirty disbelievers! The evil disbelievers! Evil! EVIL EVIL!
[he jump-attacks Friday, and the two officers work to subdue him]
Friday: All right, come on son, settle down!
[they handcuff him]
Benjie 'Blue Boy' Carver: Brown, blue yellow. Green, green orange, red! Red red! Red! I can hear them, I can hear them all!
Friday: Yeah, sure you can, kid. Let's go back to the office. We'll all listen.
[they walk him to the car]

Philip Jamison: He just keep saying he wanted to get further out.
Friday: [Checks Blue Boy's Pulse] Well he made it. He's dead.

Ben Riddle: What do you fellows figure he is going to put in all them capsules.
Friday: A lot of misery.

Mrs. Carver: Would you tell him something when you find him.
Friday: What's that Mrs. Carver?
Mrs. Carver: Tell him we still love him.

Mrs. Carver: You trying to say my boy's a drug addict? Now look; I heard about this LSD, and it is my understanding it hasn't done anyone any harm.
Friday: If you could've seen your boy a couple of hours ago, I doubt you'd feel that way. Now look at him - does he always go around painted up like that - half his face blue, half yellow?
Mrs. Carver: I thought you men were supposed to be experts with young people. It's probably a high school initiation, or something. The boys are always doing some silly thing or another - letting their hair grow long, or dressing up like those English singers. Here, Benjie, wipe your face, and let's go home.


"Dragnet: The Big Cast (#1.5)" (1952)
Sgt. Joe Friday: This is the city. Every 24 hours a little bit of everything happens. Two million people make a lot of history in one day. They write it all down and file it away. Some of it's important, some of it isn't. Business, industry, government - you buy a three-cent stamp or an oil well - they keep records of it. Progress, money, success... and failure. A complete history of every day; some of it's public, some personal. It's all written down. In my job we catalog trouble. I'm a cop.

Sgt. Joe Friday: It was Wednesday, October 6th. It was sultry in Los Angeles. We were working the day watch out of homicide. My partner is Ed Jacobs; the boss is Thad Brown, Chief of Detectives. My name's Friday.

Sgt. Joe Friday: It was 10:45 when we got to the Ortega Hotel. a thirty year old man had disappeared suddenly. We'd uncovered evidence of foul play. The list of suspects was narrowed down to one man, the last person to see the victim alive. We traced the suspect for months. The break finally came. We found him.

Henry Ross: Davis? Yeah, I knew a Davis - don't know if his name was Paul, though. He been gone a long time, this guy Davis?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah, that's right.
Henry Ross: Well, is something wrong you think?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah. We figure murder.

Henry Ross: You think I killed him. Well, tell me the truth - do you think I killed him?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah, I think you did, Henry.
Henry Ross: Uh-huh. Then you know as well as I do, there's only one way to prove it.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah?
Henry Ross: Find his body.

Henry Ross: You remember the Wilson case back in '34 don't you, Sergeant? Woman killed her whole family. Big case. You remember it?
Sergeant Ed Jacobs: Yeah. Pretty tragic.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Is that a hobby of yours, Henry? Collecting murder stories?
Henry Ross: No, I just read 'em. I remember 'em. I can remember every murder case in the past 15 years.

Henry Ross: I had an idea you'd find me. I guess I always knew you'd find me.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah.
Henry Ross: Wel, I guess I made my point.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Which is?
Henry Ross: It's all built up.
Sgt. Joe Friday: What is?
Henry Ross: Well, murder... killin' somebody. Those phoney stories. It's all built up. It's just cheap.
Sgt. Joe Friday: You got it wrong, Henry.
Henry Ross: Huh?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Wait'll they read you the bill.


Dragnet 1966 (1969) (TV)
Carl Rockwell: Go swallow a germ you nigger cop!
Sergeant Joe Friday: Now you listen to me, you gutter-mouth punk. I've dealt with you before, and every time I did, it took me a month to wash off the filth. I'll tell you what you did to that four-year old girl out in Westlake Park: you staked out a bench like you've always done. You bought a sack of penny candy; you waited until the right little girl came along... You got her in your car. She started to cry; you hit her across the mouth twice. You cut her lip with your ring. Knocked out three of her teeth. And then you know what you did to her... Now, I didn't say that, Rockwell, you did. That's exactly what you told those officers who arrested you. They advised you of your constitutional rights before you opened your mouth. Now you're trying to tell us you didn't understand. Well, you're a liar... Like every hoodlum since Cain up through Capone, you've learned to hide behind some quirk in the law. And mister, you are a two-bit hoodlum. You've fallen twice for A.D.W. Burglary, three times. Twice for forcible rape; I tagged you for those. And now you've graduated: you've moved to the sewer. You're a child molester. And this isn't the first time we have had you in here before you where guilty then and mister your guilty now. And one last thing you smart mouth punk if the department doesn't question the color of his skin you damn well see you don't!

Sgt. Joe Friday: Let's go, Markell, you're going downtown.
Ricky Markell: I ain't gonna talk to you there, either.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Well now, you don't have to. Shelton copped out, told me the whole story, he said you stabbed the guy and shot him three times, once in the right temple.
Ricky Markell: Max didn't tell you that!
Sgt. Joe Friday: He said it was your show, all he did was throw the mustard power in his face, just wanted to roll him, but you were so geed up you had to cut him open.
Ricky Markell: Maxie's a liar!

Don Negler, alias J. Johnson: I'd like to tell you right now why I killed them.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Why?
Don Negler, alias J. Johnson: Because they asked me to. They said they'd rather die than live with me.

Sgt. Joe Friday: [busts the kitchen door with the suspect hiding behind it knocks him down crook goes for his gun Friday has his pointed at his nose] Go ahead pick it up.

Sergeant Joe Friday: I'm afraid we have bad news for you.
William Smith: My brother he is in jail.
Sergeant Joe Friday: No sir he's dead,someone killed him.
William Smith: Charles dead killed. He was struck by automobile.
Sergeant Joe Friday: He was murdered.

Claude LeBorg: ...Trouvez-les!
['Find them!"]
William Smith: [Translating] The boy implores you to find whoever it is that did this to his father and see that they are punished for what they have done.
Sergeant Joe Friday: [Claude wraps his arms around Friday's legs and cries hard] You don't have to translate any more.


"Dragnet 1967: The Shooting (#1.11)" (1967)
[Joe and Bill enter an interrogation room bearing the sawed-off shotgun with which Roger Kensington and Harry Johnson shot Officer Dave Roberts]
Roger Kensington: Look here, Harry, they sent in the first team.
Sgt. Joe Friday: [tossing the shotgun on the table for effect] All right, tunnel mouth! Let's all save time! Last April a police officer was shot at Olive and Main, and we think you and that shotgun did it.
Harry Johnson: [sarcastically] He scare you, Roger? He scares me.
Roger Kensington: He makes me sick! You've been rousting me since I was a kid, you and every other cop from here to Kansas City, year after year!
Officer Bill Gannon: Why- if it wasn't for prison food, you'd starve to death. You haven't been out of the Joint for more than two or three years in your entire life.
Roger Kensington: I'll be out again in twenty-six months, brown eyes! Stay home nights!
Sgt. Joe Friday: You listen to me, punk! I've handled *jaywalkers* who were tougher than you.
Roger Kensington: When I get out, I'm gonna waste you!
Harry Johnson: Hey, there's no reason to work up a sweat, Roger. They told us our rights, we don't even have to *talk* to them.

Friday: Flinch- and you'll be chasing your head down Fifth Street!

Sgt. Joe Friday: All right, I'll talk to you Johnson- You were born in Harlan, Kentucky. Your father was a house painter, killed in the war. Your mother and your sister brought you out here. You went to school in Torrance. You got expelled for throwing a punch at your math teacher. The army took you during the Korean War. They didn't want you: they shoved you out on a Section 8! For seven years now, you've either been *in* jail, or just getting *out*!
Harry Johnson: [sarcastically] I *do* hope you'll write my *book*!
Sgt. Joe Friday: [continues] Now your buddy, he's really big-time; Three states want him for parole violations- two for armed robbery, and one for statutory rape, that's in Kansas.
Officer Bill Gannon: You remember her name, don't you, Kensington?
Roger Kensington: [sarcastically] What if I don't?
Officer Bill Gannon: You should-! She was your sister's daughter!
[Johnson looks at Kensington with surprise]

Harry Johnson: [upon seeing Officer Roberts alive screams at Kensington] You told me he died!
Roger Kensington: He should of!
Harry Johnson: You hear him that shotgun belongs to him not me!
Roger Kensington: Shut up!
Sgt. Joe Friday: I'll tell them to roll the tape.
Dave Roberts: [Friday and Roberts leave the room] You know something Joe
Sgt. Joe Friday: What's that Dave?
Dave Roberts: I still don't remember them.
Sgt. Joe Friday: You don't have to now Dave!

Harry Johnson: You going to let me wipe this soap of my face.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Why? You look good.


"Dragnet: The Big September Man (#1.11)" (1952)
Sgt. Joe Friday: This is the city. From one night to the next it's never the same. They make it that way. Counting the suburbs, there's four million of 'em. Most of the people have something to add. A few of 'em are out to take it away. In my job, they're the ones that keep you on the move. I'm a cop.

Sgt. Joe Friday: It was Wednesday, September 28th. We were working the night watch out of homicide detail. My partner's Ed Jacobs; the boss is Thad Brown, Chief of Detectives. My name's Friday.

Sgt. Joe Friday: It was 11:48 p.m. when I got back from the crime lab. The call came in a few hours earlier. An attractive blonde secretary was found beaten to death in a downtown office building. A length of steel pipe wrapped in heavy paper was on the floor beside her. There was no trace of the killer, no apparent motive for the killing. For every murder, there's at least one of each. My job: to find 'em.

William Tanner: September...
Sgt. Joe Friday: September? What would that have to do with it?
William Tanner: I don't know really. September has always been the time, that's all. I always seem to work into some kind of trouble every September. I don't know what it is. It always seems to be the best time. September... it's always September.

William Tanner: I didn't really want to kill Adele. There was nothing I could do. Adele was a sinner.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah.
William Tanner: Drinking and running around. She committed sins all the time. The worst kinds of sins. Terrible.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah, well maybe you better check the Book, Tanner. You were way ahead of her.
William Tanner: What do you mean?
Sgt. Joe Friday: What kind of sin is worse than murder?


"Dragnet 1967: D.H.Q.: The Victims (#4.26)" (1970)
Tim Walker: [last lines of the Dragnet series] Sure is a great world isn't it sergeant.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Sir?
Tim Walker: That two-bit thief gets his rights and Julio gets his last ones.

Off. Rick Myler: [Friday and Gannon are investigating a purse snatching. The patrol car unit shows up] . You guys detectives?
Officer Bill Gannon: That's right. D.H.Q, night watch.
Off. Rick Myler: I gotta get into that. These radio calls are driving me right out of my mind. Investigation, that's for me.
Sergeant Joe Friday: How long have you been on the job now?
Off. Rick Myler: Six months now. I've got this patrol thing well whipped. I'm ready to move into something else now, you know?
Officer Bill Gannon: Uh, huh. Six months. That means you just got out of the academy last month, right?
Off. Rick Myler: Yeah, that's right.
Sergeant Joe Friday: You know it takes a good investigator to do a decent job working a radio car.
Off. Rick Myler: Yeah, but it's all preliminary. I want to get into follow up. That's where you get the big capers.
Sergeant Joe Friday: That's a new one on me, son. Here all the time I was under the impression that patrol officers were always in on the big capers.
Off. Rick Myler: Here's an example: Look at us. Somebody gets their purse stolen and who gets it? Us. It's getting so routine; I'm bored half-stiff.
Officer Bill Gannon: Rather be out tracking a bank robber, huh?
Off. Rick Myler: That's the ticket! None of this old lady drops her purse jazz.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Let me tell you something, youngster: Someday when you get the backs of those ears dried out, you might wake up and see just how important your job really is! Take a look at your partner over there. Sixteen years in a patrol unit, one of the best on the job. Now apparently you haven't been listening to him or you don't want to. For your information, that little old lady didn't just get her purse stolen: It was robbery! Two hoodlums kicked her senseless out on that sidewalk. You got a real large problem, son: You worry more about yourself then what goes on around you. Do me a favor, will you? Sit back and take a real hard look. Look at the victims and try to have a little empathy. It might do you some good. That's what we're all here, to serve these people. Now if you can't see it that way, maybe you ought to look for some other kind of job. I'm sure the department can spare you.
Off. Rick Myler: I didn't mean to...
Sergeant Joe Friday: That's right. You don't know what you mean or what you say or how you impress other people. Now you think about it. Try to learn something from your partner: He'll teach you something if you listen. He understands his job, you don't. Now do me a small favor, will you?
Off. Rick Myler: What's that, sir?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Do what your partner told you to do: Go out there and get that book, and then get back in here and go to school!
Off. Rick Myler: Yes, sir.
[Myler leaves]
Officer Bill Gannon: Green recruit, partner. Kind of hard on him, weren't you?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Those two punks were kind of hard on Mrs. Anderson.

Off. Rick Myler: [Friday is investigating a store robbery/shooting. He's talking to a rookie cop that he berated earlier for not taking his job seriously] Do you want me to phone downtown?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Right. I want latent prints, photos, crime lab and division detectives down here on the double. Then we'll start going over this place like a vacuum cleaner. Then start penciling the robbery report out.
Off. Rick Myler: Yes, sir.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Myler... you'd probably rather be out there hunting down that suspect, wouldn't you?
Off. Rick Myler: Yes sir, I probably would. But this is important, too
[Friday winks and nods approvingly]
Off. Rick Myler: .

Off. Rick Myler: [Friday and Gannon are investigating a purse snatching. The patrol car unit shows up] . You guys detectives?
Sergeant Joe Friday: That's right. D.H.Q, night watch.
Off. Rick Myler: I gotta get into that. These radio calls are driving me right out of my mind. Investigation, that's for me.
Sergeant Joe Friday: How long have you been on the job now?
Off. Rick Myler: Six months now. I've got this patrol thing well whipped. I'm ready to move into something else now, you know?
Officer Bill Gannon: Uh, huh. Six months. That means you just got out of the academy last month, right?
Off. Rick Myler: Yeah, that's right.
Sergeant Joe Friday: You know it takes a good investigator to do a decent job working a radio car.
Off. Rick Myler: Yeah, but it's all preliminary. I want to get into follow up. That's where you get the big capers.
Sergeant Joe Friday: That's a new one on me, son. Here all the time I was under the impression that patrol officers were always in on the big capers.
Off. Rick Myler: Here's an example: Look at us. Somebody gets their purse stolen and who gets it? Us. It's getting so routine; I'm bored half-stiff.
Officer Bill Gannon: Rather be out tracking a bank robber, huh?
Off. Rick Myler: That's the ticket! None of this old lady drops her purse jazz.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Let me tell you something, youngster: Someday when you get the backs of those ears dried out, you might wake up and see just how important your job really is! Take a look at your partner over there. Sixteen years in a patrol unit, one of the best on the job. Now apparently you haven't been listening to him or you don't want to. For your information, that little old lady didn't just get her purse stolen: It was robbery! Two hoodlums kicked her senseless out on that sidewalk. You got a real large problem, son: You worry more about yourself then what goes on around you. Do me a favor, will you? Sit back and take a real hard look. Look at the victims and try to have a little empathy. It might do you some good. That's what we're all here, to serve these people. Now if you can't see it that way, maybe you ought to look for some other kind of job. I'm sure the department can spare you.
Off. Rick Myler: I didn't mean to...
Sergeant Joe Friday: That's right. You don't know what you mean or what you say or how you impress other people. Now you think about it. Try to learn something from your partner: He'll teach you something if you listen. He understands his job, you don't. Now do me a small favor, will you?
Off. Rick Myler: What's that, sir?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Do what your partner told you to do: Go out there and get that book, and then get back in here and go to school!
Off. Rick Myler: Yes, sir.
[Myler leaves]
Officer Bill Gannon: Green recruit, partner. Kind of hard on him, weren't you?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Those two punks were kind of hard on Mrs. Anderson.

Off. Rick Myler: [Friday is investigating a store robbery/shooting. He's talking to a rookie cop that he berated earlier for not taking his job seriously] Do you want me to phone downtown?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Right. I want latent prints, photos, crime lab and division detectives down here on the double. Then we'll start going over this place like a vacuum cleaner. Then start penciling the robbery report out.
Off. Rick Myler: Yes, sir.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Myler... you'd probably rather be out there hunting down that suspect, wouldn't you?
Off. Rick Myler: Yes sir, I probably would. But this is important, too.


"Dragnet 1967: The Big Prophet (#2.18)" (1968)
Friday: Don't you con me with your mind-expansion slop. I deal with kids every day. I try to clean up the mess that people like you make out of 'em. I'm the expert here. You're not.

Friday: Marijuana's the flame, heroin's the fuse, LSD's the bomb.

William Bentley: You talk about young people in America. I don't recognize them. I don't think they exist. I think your kind creates them. You force them into little molds, and pop them out like little plastic figures off a production line. You stuff them full of preconceived ideas, praise them for turning out so well. But they're not people, they're machines! Then you wind them up like little tape recorders, and send them out into the world to spread another generation of lies. "This is the best of all possible worlds... this is a recording." And the ones who escape your assembly line, the rare ones, you call them delinquents, weirdos, hippies, pillheads, freaks, potheads. You tell them they're sick. They know better. They're not satisfied with a little change. They want it all! They want it now! And they know they can't change the world, so they change themselves. They seek others who believe as they do. They start communities, tribes. They grow, they share, food, shelter, and most importantly, love. All they ask is the right to live the way they want to live, without being harassed, without being told what they can or cannot do. Now, is that too much to ask, Mr. Policeman?
Friday: No, if that's all they ask. But it's not. They're not asking to be left alone, they're asking for a handout. If they really believed what you say they believe, they'd do something about it besides panhandle in the streets and use narcotics to escape reality. A lot of people started with an idea, and they've made it work, but not by begging or stealing or standing in line to get paid for not working. The Amish did it in Pennsylvania, they built self-supporting communities. The Mormons did it in Utah, they built a city. The Jews did it in Israel, they built a nation. But they were willing to work for it!
William Bentley: We tried in San Francisco.
Friday: Yeah. Well, you learned something, didn't you?
William Bentley: What's that?
Friday: If you're gonna live with the rest of us, then you'll have to learn to play the game by the rules. And in case you've forgotten the name of the game, we call it democracy.

William Bentley: And we're right back where we began. You haven't made a point. You claim marijuana leads to hard narcotics and ultimate addiction. I disagree, because most people are normal, and only a psychologically defective personality is prone to true addiction.
Friday: You're half-right, Bentley.
William Bentley: Half-right?
Friday: It takes more than psychologically defective personalities to become addicts
William Bentley: Really? What's that?
Friday: Something to become addicted to.


"Dragnet: The Big Phone Call (#1.12)" (1952)
Sgt. Joe Friday: This is the city - one of the biggest in the United States. Spreads out in all four directions like a broadloom rug. In the south and west, the downtown business district; to the east, the industrial area. Los Angeles, California - it's pretty much like your town.
[camera pans to a statue of a priest]
Sgt. Joe Friday: This is a Spanish priest, one of the city's founders. It's changed a lot since then. It's got high tension wires bringing in the power and bus lines to get you where you're going. It's got railroads and freight yards. Churches - any kind you want; public parks and lakes. It's got a police department and a City Hall. This is where I work. I'm a cop.

Sgt. Joe Friday: It was Thursday, July 17th. It was sultry in Los Angeles. We were working the day watch out of robbery detail. My partner's Ed Jacobs; the boss is Captain Didion. My name's Friday.

Sgt. Joe Friday: It was 1:35 p.m. when we got back to City Hall. Nine months before, a jewelry salesman was slugged and robbed of $20,000 in precious stones. It took us weeks of investigation before we discovered the man responsible for the hold-up. It took weeks more to gather all of the evidence. We needed one more thing: his statement.

Ernest Garvey: Now look, I'll give you a chance. You either book me in or release me. If you book me in, I'll sue you for false arrest. I'll break you, I'll sue you blind. I promise you that.
Sergeant Ed Jacobs: Yeah?
Ernest Garvey: Release me and I'll get back to work; I'll forget all about it. What's it gonna be?
Sgt. Joe Friday: That's fair enough. You're giving us a choice.
Ernest Garvey: You bet it's fair. You could get into a lot of hot water. Now it's up to you. Which one?
Sgt. Joe Friday: You ran a bad bluff, Mister.
Ernest Garvey: What?
Sgt. Joe Friday: We're booking you in.


"Dragnet 1967: The Grenade (#2.1)" (1967)
Sergeant Joe Friday: The pin, Bill, put it in!
Officer Bill Gannon: Give me a minute.
Sergeant Joe Friday: We may not have a minute, put it in!

Gerald Paulson: I just wanted to scare them, I wasn't going to pull the pin.
Sergeant Joe Friday: But you did.
Gerald Paulson: It was an accident, you made me do it.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Sure.

Sergeant Joe Friday: You're going to have to go to a court hearing, without the grenade.
Gerald Paulson: Sure.
Sergeant Joe Friday: See if you can scare the judge.


"Dragnet: The Big .22 Rifle for Christmas (#2.7)" (1952)
[last lines]
[Smith and Friday have just investigated an accidental shooting death on Christmas Eve]
Officer Frank Smith #1: What's it all prove, Joe?
Sgt. Joe Friday: You don't give a kid a gun from Christmas.

[first lines]
Sgt. Joe Friday: This is the city. All year around it wears work clothes; on holidays it dresses up. To most people, Christmas brings happiness and prayer; to some it brings heartbreak - then my job gets tougher. I'm a cop.

Sgt. Joe Friday: It was Thursday, December 22. We were working the night watch out of Homicide Division. My partner's Frank Smith, the boss is Captain Norman. My name's Friday. We'd gotten a call that a nine-year-old boy was missing from his home. The evidence pointed to foul play. We had to check it out.


"Dragnet 1967: The Masked Bandits (#1.5)" (1967)
Officer Bill Gannon: [Gannon pulls a sandwich out of his coat pocket] You want a bite?
Sgt. Joe Friday: No thanks.
Officer Bill Gannon: You sure?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Sure.
Officer Bill Gannon: [Gannon holds it up for Friday to see] Corned beef, imported Swiss, lettuce, Russian dressing, cole slaw, kosher pickle, slice of tomato, mayonnaise, peanut butter, horseradish, and a little hot mustard.
Sgt. Joe Friday: [Grimacing] No thanks.
Officer Bill Gannon: You're sure now, it's an awfully good sandwich.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Sounds like a seven course meal.
Officer Bill Gannon: Well, it is a little filling.

Al Tucker: [Friday and Gannon are talking to the parole officer Al Tucker] Yea, I missed dinner, guess I'd better get on home.
Officer Bill Gannon: Don't rush off, I've got half a sandwich.
Al Tucker: Yeah? What's in it?
Officer Bill Gannon: Oh, you'll love it: corned beef, imported Swiss...
Sgt. Joe Friday: [Friday suddenly decides to leave] Good night, Bill.
Officer Bill Gannon: ...lettuce, Russian dressing...
Sgt. Joe Friday: Tuck, I'll see ya
[He walks away]
Officer Bill Gannon: ...cole slaw, kosher pickle, slice of tomato...
[end theme music begins playing]

Sgt. Joe Friday: Parole officers are a special breed - half policeman, half social worker. They have to take the rejects of society and try to make decent citizens out of them. It's a tough job - tougher because there's not enough of them to go around. Most ex-convicts have a lot respect for their parole officers - they get close - they have to. Their parole officer has to approve almost everything - where they live, where they work, what time they get home at night.


"Dragnet 1967: The Hammer (#1.7)" (1967)
Detective: The first two blows with the hammer killed him.
Friday: Yea, and the next four changed his personality.

Friday: [Friday and Gannon are getting ready to leave for Arizona and Friday notices Gannon doesn't have a suitcase] Where's your gear?
Officer Bill Gannon: Don't worry, I've got it.
Friday: Where?
Officer Bill Gannon: [He points to Friday's suitcase] You won't catch me carrying one of those cases.
Friday: Where's your gear?
Officer Bill Gannon: Oh, come on, Joe.
[He points to his coat's chest pocket]
Officer Bill Gannon: Tooth brush, toothpaste, razor,
[points to another pocket]
Officer Bill Gannon: clean socks,
[points to inside right pocket]
Officer Bill Gannon: clean underwear,
[points to left inside of his coat]
Officer Bill Gannon: clean shirt.
Friday: You could have fooled me.
Officer Bill Gannon: Sure. You know Joe, in all of the years we've worked together you still haven't learned.
Friday: What's that?
Officer Bill Gannon: How to travel light.

Camille: [Friday and Gannon are talking to Camille who is not very cooperative] You got a lot of nerve waking me up in the middle of the night like this.
Policewoman Dorothy Miller: These are Los Angeles police officers. They want to ask you some questions.
Officer Bill Gannon: It's our duty to inform you that you have the right to...
Camille: [Interrupting] Answer or not answer, get me a lawyer. I know the whole scam. You got a cigarette?
Officer Bill Gannon: You old enough to smoke?
Camille: I'm old enough to do anything, including clam up. I know my rights, fuzz, and I got a right to not talk to you. You're wasting your time and my beauty sleep cuz I ain't telling you nothing, not a thing about nothing. Now what about that cigarette and let me get back to that fleabag they call a cell.
[Friday gives her a a cigarette and a light]
Camille: You've got nice eyes - for a cop.
[She blows smoke into Friday's face]
Friday: And I bet your mother had a loud bark.


"Dragnet 1967: Bunco: $9,000 (#4.12)" (1969)
Sergeant Joe Friday: The Ruby Room was a long way from opening night at the Palace. From the looks of it, some of the acts that started here probably ended up in the county jail.

Sergeant Joe Friday: Mrs. Perriwinkle, you really should put your money in a savings account. You know that. You're taking a dangerous risk hiding it here.
Myrtle Perriwinkle: A bank? Never. Don't trust them, never will. Never! Anyway, money is not my god. The Lord is my god.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Yes ma'am, but a bank is still a good place to keep your money.


"Dragnet 1967: The Bullet (#1.17)" (1967)
Sergeant Joe Friday: [Murray hands Friday the bullet that killed Hamlin] I was expecting a quarter.
Ray Murray: And I handed you a penny a bad one.
Sergeant Joe Friday: [looks at the bullet] 6 left
Officer Bill Gannon: Automatic ammunition.
Ray Murray: Either a Browning or Luger both are common. Hamlin done an amazing thing he killed himself with a bullet that couldn't of possibly been fired from the gun he was holding.
Officer Bill Gannon: Yeah.
Ray Murray: You boys need to tear up your report no suicide here. You need to find a murder gun.

Ray Murray: Well, the way it's setup you shouldn't have too much trouble finding a suspect.
Sergeant Joe Friday: How's that?
Ray Murray: Find a butler built like an envelope.


"Dragnet 1967: Robbery: DR-15 (#3.7)" (1968)
Sergeant Joe Friday: You'd better get going those guys weren't kidding.
Sgt. Hank Seret: How many where there?
Sergeant Joe Friday: 3 on the way in they each shot holes in the roof of the bank.
Sgt. Jack Williams: How much did they get?
Sergeant Joe Friday: A bundle maybe 50 grand.
Sgt. Jack Williams: Big score.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Bigger than that on the way out they shot and killed a customer.

Friday: Unless you're growin', sit down.


"Dragnet 1967: The Big Explosion (#1.2)" (1967)
[Friday and Gannon are interrogating Donald L. Chapman at his apartment after he had taken four cases of stolen dynamite with blasting caps and planted the resulting explosive somewhere]
Officer Bill Gannon: You expect us to believe you've got a closet full of dynamite and you don't know how it got in there?
Donald Chapman: How am I supposed to know? I hardly ever go into the closet.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Never mind the smart answers, Chapman. We can bust you right here for Receiving Stolen Property.
Donald Chapman: [cockily] So why don't you do it?
Sgt. Joe Friday: Just tell us what you did with that dynamite.
Donald Chapman: Maybe I'll change my mind. You said I don't have to talk to you. Maybe I won't.

Donald Chapman: [after the cops found the dynamite] There's others who feel like me - it don't make much difference what happens to me...
Sgt. Joe Friday: Now you listen to me, you wide-mouthed punk, we've heard just about all we want from you.
Donald Chapman: I know my rights. I know the law, too. You'll want to know a LOT more - a motive, for one thing.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Hate'll do for a start, and you try to put that walnut-sized brain of yours to work on this: you keep harping about minorities.
Donald Chapman: That's right.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Well, mister, you're a psycho, and they're a minority too.


"Dragnet 1967: Juvenile: DR-35 (#3.25)" (1969)
Donna Halpern: You don't think very much of me do you.
Sergeant Joe Friday: It doesn't really matter what I think.
Donna Halpern: Come on what do you think of me.
Sergeant Joe Friday: 12 cents and what I think will buy you a cup of coffee.

Officer Bill Gannon: [a nurse hands Gannon the baby's blanket] Grey who ever heard of a grey baby blanket it's suppose to be pink for a little girl.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Who ever heard of of a pink shroud?


"Dragnet: The Big Producer (#4.1)" (1954)
[first lines]
Sgt. Joe Friday: This is the city - Los Angeles, California. I work here; I'm a cop. It was November 4th. It was windy in Los Angeles. We were working the day watch out of Juvenile Division. My partner is Frank Smith; my name's Friday. A steady stream of obscene literature had been finding its way into a half-dozen high schools in the city. We'd gotten a lead on one of the sources of supply - a seventeen year old high school senior. We had to check it out.

Sgt. Joe Friday: Now who are you sellin' this for? Where do you get your supply?
Stephen Banner: All you see is what's in my locker. I ain't sellin'; I don't have any supply. You gotta go far to prove I have.
Sgt. Joe Friday: No, not very far, Steve?
Stephen Banner: What?
Sgt. Joe Friday: From about here to your home.


"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
Chief Wiggum: [reading a tombstone, talks into his "radio"] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.
Joe Friday: That's Homer J Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
Joe Friday: Uh, chief, you're talking into your wallet.
[Chief Wiggum's wallet flips open]

Joe Friday: Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office?
Mr. Burns: Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.
Waylon Smithers: Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.
Mr. Burns: Of course you'd say that... you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter!


"Dragnet 1967: The Joy Riders (#3.18)" (1969)
Officer Bill Gannon: Absolutely senseless never saw the man before.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Yeah?
Officer Bill Gannon: Blew his head off.

Sergeant Joe Friday: [Mrs Rustin comes in from shopping] Your boy is under arrest Mrs Rustin.
Mrs. Eunice Rustin: For what?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Suspicion of murder
Mrs. Eunice Rustin: [Drops her bags] Dear God in heaven.
Harold F. Rustin: Oh come on mom don't listen to these guys.
Mrs. Eunice Rustin: Are you sure?
Officer Bill Gannon: Yes we're sure.
Mrs. Eunice Rustin: [Starts sobbing and screaming] Haven't I given you everything why Harold? Answer me! Answer ME!
Sergeant Joe Friday: I don't think he can Mrs Rustin.
Mrs. Eunice Rustin: Why can't he?
Sergeant Joe Friday: He doesn't have one.


"Dragnet 1967: Homicide: Cigarette Butt (#4.7)" (1969)
Jack Burke: [screams at his wife who just ratted on him] You shut up you no good little tramp just shut up!
Officer Bill Gannon: Alright take it easy.
Jack Burke: What do you mean take it easy she just threw my life away?
Sergeant Joe Friday: No you did when you took his.


"Dragnet 1967: The Bank Jobs (#2.4)" (1967)
Richard Madden: Imagine a stinking broad wiping up the sidewalk with you. That dame's as strong as an ox.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Sure, she must weigh at least 120 pounds.
Richard Madden: What is she, a lady wrestler?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Linebacker for the Cleveland Browns.


"Dragnet: The Big Deal (#5.34)" (1956)
Mrs. Prescott: Oh, come on, now. I'm not so bad. I don't mean to brag but I've always been a popular girl. People take to me. I don't know why. They just do.
[looks at Friday and talks in a flirty tone]
Mrs. Prescott: Even you. I'll bet you could like me if you'd give yourself half a chance.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Could I?
Mrs. Prescott: Sure. Why don't you relax? What have you got to lose? Ralph will be out of circulation for quite a while.
Sgt. Joe Friday: Yeah.
Mrs. Prescott: Well then?
Sgt. Joe Friday: So will you.


"Dragnet 1967: Public Affairs: DR-14 (#3.10)" (1968)
Lisa Ruby: [two men where having a fake fight] My bouncer could of handled the fight.
Sergeant Joe Friday: While the phony fight was going on.
Lisa Ruby: Yes.
Sergeant Joe Friday: [Friday has the thief] This little lady was busy tapping your till.


"Dragnet 1967: The Big Ad (#2.9)" (1967)
Harvey Forrester: Lousy, sloppy drunk.
Friday: Don't knock her, Forrester, she had a good reason to drink.
Harvey Forrester: And what's that?
Friday: Being married to you.


"Dragnet 1967: Administrative Vice: DR-29 (#3.17)" (1969)
Sergeant Joe Friday: How's the invalid?
Officer Bill Gannon: Oh, pretty good I guess. Pull up a chair, that red rocker there.
Sergeant Joe Friday: This one?
Officer Bill Gannon: Well, that's the only red rocker in the room, Joe. See how it rocks and it's all red?


"Dragnet 1967: The Interrogation (#1.4)" (1967)
Friday: There are over five thousand men in this city who know that being a policeman is an endless, glamorless, thankless job that's gotta be done. I know it, too. And I'm damned glad to be one of them.


"Dragnet 1967: A.I.D.: The Weekend (#4.17)" (1970)
Sergeant Joe Friday: By the way, what do you do for a living?
Systems Analyst: I'm a systems analyst, myself.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Oh? What's a systems analyst do?
Systems Analyst: I analyze systems.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Makes sense.


"Dragnet 1967: The Big High (#2.8)" (1967)
[a young couple let their toddler drown in a bathtub while they were stoned]
Officer Bill Gannon: Joe, you can handle this for a minute, can't you?
Friday: You all right?
Officer Bill Gannon: First time since I've been on the job...
Friday: Yeah?
Officer Bill Gannon: I think I'm gonna be sick.
[hands the bag of marijuana to Friday and runs out of the room]


"Dragnet 1967: Juvenile: The Little Pusher (#4.6)" (1969)
David Freeman: I told her a hundred times, be careful baby, don't get too high. She just wouldn't listen to me!
Sergeant Joe Friday: Oh she listened to you Freeman.
David Freeman: She did?
Sergeant Joe Friday: That was her trouble.


"Dragnet: The Big Ruckus (#1.2)" (2003)
[The crime lab is examining sneakers seized from Eddie Polian's house]
Haskell: We're lucky we're dealing with guys, here. If they were women, you'd still be emptying the closets.
Lt. Joe Friday: Women and shoes. What is this, amateur night at the comedy club, Haskell?


"Dragnet 1967: The Big Departure (#2.25)" (1968)
Sergeant Joe Friday: Don't think you have a corner on all the virtue vision in the country or that everyone else is fat and selfish and yours is the first generation to come along that's felt dissatisfied. They all have, you know, about different things; and most of them didn't have the opportunity and freedoms that you have. Let's talk poverty. In most parts of the world, that's not a problem, it's a way of life. And rights? They're liable to give you a blank stare because they may not know what you're talking about. The fact is, more people are living better right here than anyone else ever before in history. So don't expect us to roll over and play dead when you say you're dissatisfied. It's not perfect, but it's a great deal better than when we grew up: a hundred men standing in the street hoping for one job, selling apples on the street corner. That's one of the things we were dissatisfied about, and you don't see that much anymore.
Officer Bill Gannon: You're taller, stronger, healthier, and you live longer than the last generation; and we don't think that's altogether bad. You've probably never seen a "Quarantine" sign on a neighbor's door. Diphtheria, scarlet fever, whooping cough; probably none of your classmates are crippled with polio. You don't see many mastoid scars anymore. We've done quite a bit of fighting all around the world. Whether you think it was moral or not a lot of people are free to make their own mistakes today because of it. And that may just include you.
Sergeant Joe Friday: I don't know, maybe part of it's the fact that you're in a hurry. You've grown up on instant orange juice. Flip a dial - instant entertainment. Dial seven digits - instant communication. Turn a key - push a pedal - instant transportation. Flash a card - instant money. Shove in a problem - push a few buttons - instant answers. But some problems you can't get quick answers for, no matter how much you want them. We took a little boy into Central Receiving Hospital yesterday; he's four years old. He weighs eight-and-a-half pounds. His parents just hadn't bothered to feed him. Now give me a fast answer to that one; one that'll stop that from ever happening again. And if you can't settle that one, how about the 55,000 Americans who'll die on the highway this year? That's nearly six or seven times the number that'll get killed in Vietnam. Why aren't you up in arms about that? Or is dying in a car somehow moral? Show me how to wipe out prejudice. I'll settle for the prejudices you have inside yourselves. Show me how to get rid of the unlimited capacity for human beings to make themselves believe they're somehow right - and justified - in stealing from somebody, or hurting somebody, and you'll just about put this place here out of business!
Officer Bill Gannon: Don't think we're telling you to lose your ideals or your sense of outrage. They're the only way things ever get done. And there's a lot more that still needs doing. And we hope you'll tackle it. You don't have to do anything dramatic like coming up with a better country. You can find enough to keep you busy right here. In the meantime, don't break things up in the name of progress or crack a placard stick over someone's head to make him see the light. Be careful of his rights. Because your property and your person and your rights aren't any better than his. And the next time you may be the one to get it. We remember a man who killed six million people, and called it social improvement.
Sergeant Joe Friday: Don't try to build a new country. Make this one work. It has for over four hundred years; and by the world's standards, that's hardly more than yesterday.


"Dragnet 1967: The Trial Board (#2.14)" (1967)
Ted Clover: [Clover has already shown Friday and Gannon a "trophy" - a bull's ear given him by a famous matador] About getting my friend kicked off the force - maybe I did ol' Phil a favor.
Sergeant Joe Friday: How do you figure?
Ted Clover: Why would anybody want to be a cop?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Oh, I don't know... why would anybody want a dead bull's ear?


"Dragnet 1967: Robbery: The Harassing Wife (#4.24)" (1970)
Sam Golden: [a store owner is annoyed that Friday isn't out looking for the robber] I gave you a perfect description: he's 5'-9" or 10"; grayish black hair; medium build, not fat or thin; his eyes are brown; his nose is straight; he combs his hair with a part on the side. Now you go out and find a guy just like that!
Sergeant Joe Friday: And you'd like us to arrest him when we do?
Sam Golden: Well, certainly I would.
Sergeant Joe Friday: I'm afraid then we've got a problem here.
Sam Golden: What do you mean by that?
Sergeant Joe Friday: Well, that description fits you too.


"Dragnet 1967: The Big Kids (#1.16)" (1967)
Capt. Lou Richey: It's not just a law enforcement problem, it's a community problem.
Sgt. John Pearson: Trouble is there's no community captain. These people come piling in from everywhere. They don't know each other and don't want to. They come out here, make a down payment on a house and move in with a couple of kids. That doesn't mean they made a home no more than givin' a name to a place
Sergeant Joe Friday: Yeah, and you get a little weary of hearing every kid give you the same excuse when you tag them. You don't understand. I just want to belong that's why I did it. Belong to what?
Capt. Lou Richey: What it boils down to is the new morality, doesn't it, a new set of values. God is dead. Drug addiction is mind expanding. Promiscuity is glamorous. Even homosexuality is praiseworthy. How you gonna fight that?
Officer Bill Gannon: It ain't easy.
Capt. Lou Richey: What you got to remember that, the vast majority of the juveniles are the kids next door. They're not hard core criminals. It's just that to them, it's a great deal more important to be accepted by the other kids than to please their parents.


"Dragnet 1967: Homicide: DR-22 (#3.14)" (1969)
Capt. Hugh Brown: Cal Lampe you old war hose the minute I seen that FBI kick back I just knew it had to be you.
Calvin Lampe: How you doing Hugh? You're looking good.
Capt. Hugh Brown: Good. You know this is one of the finest detectives I have ever known.44 years with the Chicago PD retired with the rank of deputy chief.This isn't your suspect is he.
Sergeant Joe Friday: No sir Bill and I were beginning to think we were his.
Officer Bill Gannon: [looks at the FBI kickback] I get the feeling I missed something Chicago PD.