Ostap Bender
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Quotes for
Ostap Bender (Character)
from The Twelve Chairs (1970)

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The Twelve Chairs (1970)
Ostap Bender: [after yet another failure] Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!

[Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman]
Young Woman: Do you love me?
Ostap Bender: Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.

Ostap Bender: Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days?
Tikon: Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.
Ostap Bender: Oh, and whatever became of your "lovable master"?
Tikon: One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible!
Ostap Bender: Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution".
Tikon: That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away.
Ostap Bender: Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.
Tikon: I like that: two Russians, one ruble!

Ostap Bender: [He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaniniv has slapped him] Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!

Father Fyodor: [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs] I am Vorobyaninov's son.
[Ostap stares at him]
Father Fyodor: His first-born. He was like a father to me.
Ostap Bender: So... you are Vorobyaninov's son.
Father Fyodor: Yes, I am.
Ostap Bender: [quickly] How old are you?
Father Fyodor: 46... 44.
Ostap Bender: Which is it?
Father Fyodor: 42... 42.
Ostap Bender: According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.
[Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle]

Ostap Bender: [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?
Father Fyodor: Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.

Ippolit Vorobyaninov: [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?
Ostap Bender: In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.
[They wait]
Father Fyodor: Oh Lord, you're so strict!

Ostap Bender: Tell me... what goes on in this great house?
Tikon: Mostly dying.

[last lines]
Ostap Bender: Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same deseace that strucked down our own beloved Dostoyevski. Give, give. From the bottom of your hearts.

The Golden Calf (1968)
Ostap Bender: The automobile is not a luxury, but a means of transportation.

Ostap Bender: [speaking to Kozlevich] I can't buy you a car. The government demands to know where I got the money from.

Ostap Bender: This is not Rio de Janeiro. This is much worse.

Ostap Bender: What kind of a profession is it anyway, the son of Lieutenant Schmidt?