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: [after yet another failure
] Remember the famous Russian proverb: "The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal." On the other hand, the French have a proverb: merde!
[Ostap Bender is kissing a young woman
] Young Woman
: Do you love me? Ostap Bender
: Let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.
: Listen, tell me. Tell me. Who lived here in the old days? Tikon
: Oh, in the old days was my master: Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a Marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us. Ostap Bender
: Oh, and whatever became of your "lovable master"? Tikon
: One night about ten years ago was a fearful noise. It was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting. It was terrible, terrible! Ostap Bender
: Oh, yes, I think it was called "The Revolution". Tikon
: That was it: The Revolution... You're smart! You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Anyways... they all run away. Ostap Bender
: Well, come on, old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble. Tikon
: I like that: two Russians, one ruble!
: [He punches Vorobyaninov in the stomach after Vorobyaniniv has slapped him
] Parasite! Parasite, parasite! Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite! Vorobyaninovs never beg? I begged all my life!
: [Bender is masquerading as a government official as Father Fyodor walks into the office to get information about the chairs
] I am Vorobyaninov's son.
[Ostap stares at him
] Father Fyodor
: His first-born. He was like a father to me. Ostap Bender
: So... you are Vorobyaninov's son. Father Fyodor
: Yes, I am. Ostap Bender
] How old are you? Father Fyodor
: 46... 44. Ostap Bender
: Which is it? Father Fyodor
: 42... 42. Ostap Bender
: According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53. That means that when you were born, your father was... 11.
[Father Fyodor gives an impressed whistle
: [Father Fyodor has just handed supposed government official Ostap a pocket watch
] Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official? Father Fyodor
: Oh, no, no, no, no, no... I was hoping for the best.
: [Father Fyodor is on the top of a mountain, ripping a chair apart
] It's very quiet... what do you supposed he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels? Ostap Bender
: In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.
] Father Fyodor
: Oh Lord, you're so strict!
: Tell me... what goes on in this great house? Tikon
: Mostly dying.
] Ostap Bender
: Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same deseace that strucked down our own beloved Dostoyevski. Give, give. From the bottom of your hearts.
: The automobile is not a luxury, but a means of transportation.
: [speaking to Kozlevich
] I can't buy you a car. The government demands to know where I got the money from.
: This is not Rio de Janeiro. This is much worse.
: What kind of a profession is it anyway, the son of Lieutenant Schmidt?