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Quotes for
Kowalski (Character)
from Madagascar (2005)

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"The Penguins of Madagascar: All Choked Up/Little Zoo Coupe (#1.11)" (2009)
Kowalski: Are you challenging us to a race?
King Julien: Am I? Yes! You understand what I am doing before I am even doing it!

Kowalski: Cool cars go faster. That's a scientific fact.
Skipper: Gentlemen, our car is officially boss.

Kowalski: That bomb is not coming out. We could send a man inside to defuse it if we were about yea tall.
Skipper: And how close are we from shrink ray technology?
Kowalski: 700 years.
Skipper: [tosses aside a device next to him] Curse you, shrink ray!
Kowalski: Make that 712.

Skipper: Our car's not babyish!
Kowalski: It is strategically... adorable.

Kowalski: You need to get to the bottom of the stomach.
Mort: Down the spiral staircase?
Kowalski: Take the elevator. It's quicker.

Skipper: Well, Rico, I'm sorry it has to come to this, but I had Kowalski whip up a little concoction I like to call... Number Twelve!
Kowalski: Two scoops of squirrel lint, a dash of baboon spit, used kitty litter, one hippo toenail, and anything we could find in the monkey cages. Whoa, mama!

Kowalski: You, simian! You cost us the race. You can't go around flinging your banana peels willy-nilly!
Mason: Well, he's got you there, Phil. It's not like poo. There are consequences.

Kowalski: Looks like she's burying the evidence, Skipper... above ground, standing up, in the busiest crossroads of the zoo.
Skipper: Putting her gruesome handiwork on display? How sick is this woman?

Skipper: So that's their game. Blowing us up one by one with unregurgitatable gut bombs. Horrified, yet impressed.
Kowalski: It's so obvious. I should have seen it coming. I'm sorry, Rico. I blame myself.
Private: No Rico! No...
Skipper: Not Rico! Not anybody! Kowalski, status report.
Kowalski: 22 minutes, 46 seconds.
Skipper: Then we've got 22 minutes and 45 seconds to get that bomb out of our buddy's belly. Rico, my friend, we are gonna teach you to spew again!

Skipper: I smuggled this out of the souvenir gift shop.
Kowalski: A nature documentary?
Skipper: Wait for it.
[Plays movie]
Documentary Narrator: This is Antarctica. Icy home to the playful penguin.
Private: Hey, that looks like uncle Nigel.
[Roaring from documentary]
Documentary Narrator: Who become prey to the insatiable bloodthirst of this leopard seal.
Kowalski: Oh, that image will haunt me!
Skipper: It's just a boring... documentary.
Documentary Narrator: Betcha can't eat just one, Mr. Seal.

Skipper: Well, Rico, looks like it's game over. I never thought it would end this way, but I just want you to know... I love you, you crazy knucklehead.
Kowalski: I also love you, in the same way expressed previously... dude.
Private: [Hugging Rico] I love you too, Rico!
[Rico starts to retch]
Mort: [Inside Rico] And I love this popcorn. It's a little wet, though.
[Rico's stomach rumbles]
King Julien: Eh, what is that noise?
Skipper: [breaking down] I'm not good with words - well, actually, neither are you - but I just wanna say... you are my brother!
Kowalski: That's poetry, Skipper.
King Julien: I don't know about him, but this mush is making me want to blow chunks.
Skipper: Do you mind?
Private: Wherever the sun lays its head, there the land will whisper, "Rico. Rico."
Kowalski: [breaking down] Okay, now that's poetry!
[They all cry and hug each other; Julien joins in; they all glare at him]
King Julien: I just want to see a penguin throw up.

Skipper: Take a look at our future, men. Phase Two: robot animals.
Kowalski: It's a classic cost-cutting manuever. Replacement and elimination.
Skipper: But there's...
[Counts to himself]
Skipper: ...*four* things they didn't count on. The war on robots begins...
Kowalski: Uh, Skip...
[Skipper signals to wait]
Skipper: ...now!

Kowalski: Course is ready to roll, Skipper.
[One of the cones starts to move]
Skipper: What the deuce?
Kowalski: Oh, for pity's sake! If the cones are going to move by themselves, why do I measure?
[They remove the cone; Marlene was underneath]
Marlene: Hi, guys!
Skipper: Marlene! Who was on cone stowaway duty?
[Kowalski, Private and Rico point at each other]

Kowalski: Course is ready to roll, Skipper.
[One of the cones starts to move]
Skipper: What the...?
Kowalski: Oh, for pity's sake! If the cones are going to move by themselves, why do I measure?
[They remove the cone; Marlene was underneath]
Marlene: Hi, guys!
Skipper: Marlene! Who was on cone stowaway duty?
[Kowalski, Private and Rico point at each other]

Kowalski: Okay, do you see the bomb?
Mort: Um, I see and old squeaky toy. Wait, I see it! I see the bomb!
Kowalski: Good. Now separate the blue and yellow wires from their sheating, reverse the polarity, and splice both to the ground lead, which should be a slightly thicker copper wire. Am I going too fast for you?
Mort: Um, okay. Which of the colors is blue?
[the penguins sigh exasperatedly]
Mort: Is this the blue one?
[Rico shrieks]
Kowalski: No, I believe that's a kidney.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: I Was a Penguin Zombie/Sting Operation (#1.23)" (2009)
Skipper: I don't like it. What do you make of it, Kowalski?
Kowalski: I'm not sure, Skipper. It could be anything.
Skipper: Oh really? Could it be Alaska?
Kowalski: Nooo... Its probably not A...
Skipper: Are you saying that Alaska might be stuck upside down to the clock tower of my zoo?
Kowalski: I guess...
Skipper: Because I think people would notice if the entire state of Alaska just packed up and moved to the zoo.
Kowalski: Alright! Maybe it couldn't be anything!
Rico: Wuuh.
Skipper: I'm sorry, boys. I sometimes resort to sarcasm when facing the unknown.
Kowalski: No duh.

[the penguins are fishing for condiments from a hot dog cart]
Kowalski: Onions, Skipper?
Skipper: No, thanks. I'm after the big catch: the elusive Polish sauerkraut.
[Others gasp]
Skipper: Hello, sauerkraut!
[the hot dog vendor closes the door on Skipper's line]
Skipper: Whoa, big fella!
[Skipper falls as the cart moves and pulls him out of the tree]
Skipper: You win this round, sauerkraut!

Private: It's Skipper! Skipper?
Kowalski: That's not Skipper, at least not anymore. You heard the doctor. That infection did things to his brain. Horrible things!
Private: What kind of horrible things?
Kowalski: From the looks of it, I'd say horrible zombie things.
Private: Is he dangerous?
Kowalski: Oh, you bet your succulent cerebral cortex he is. Just try to avoid eye contact, wear something to protect the brain area, and move slowly towards the...
[Skipper lunges forward]
Kowalski: Ah! It's trying to devour us all!
Private: Run!

Private: He's eating Rico's brain!
Kowalski: Rico's? I mean, have you even looked at this big, juicy, jumbo genius tenderloin? That's grade-A science brain, baby!

Kowalski: [the penguins pile up to try to peek through the window] All right, Private, describe exactly what you see.
Private: Um... a wall, possibly brick.

Kowalski: No mercy this time, guys. Rico, see if you can shut off your conscience and sense of common decency.
[Rico grabs a chainsaw and laughs maniacally]

Hornet #1: Hey! Who pokes things? You like poke, ve poke, okay? I sting your face!
Kowalski: It's a hornet's nest, Skipper.
Hornet #1: Ooh, look who vin prize! You know vat prize is? I sting your face!
Skipper: Easy, stingtail. We don't want any trouble. We're just questioning your choice of nest location.
Hornet #1: I have question for you. Knock knock.
Skipper: Who's there?
Hornet #1: I sting your face!

Skipper: Stop! Stop!
Private: The zombie can speak!
Skipper: I'm... not a zombie.
Kowalski: But the infection. We heard the doctor say...
Skipper: Who are you gonna believe, some two-bit medicine man, or your own commanding officer?
Private: Can it really be true?
Kowalski: But how can we know for sure?
[Rico holds up chainsaw]
Private: Oh, Rico. Chainsaw's your answer to everything.
Skipper: Men, amigos, my brothers in black and white. Look at me! All I've got is a broken wing, and I'm pretty sure that's not contagious.
Private: Then why were you chasing us?
Skipper: Because it itches like sandpaper underpants. Rico, scratch maneuvers, double time.
[Rico approaches Skipper]
Private: No, Rico!
[the others tackle Skipper]
Kowalski: Nice try, zombie!
[They fall off the roof; cut to them in the vet's office]
Skipper: Okay, I stand corrected on the contagiousness of broken wings, but I did tell you I wasn't a zombie.

Skipper: This does not wash! We're penguins, they're insects. We've got the size advantage.
Private: But Skipper, they've got the owie advantage.
Rico: Owie!
Private: We can't take out their nest without entering a world of pain.
Skipper: Kowalski, were are we on eliminating pain?
Kowalski: Way ahead of you, Skipper. I have been perfecting a pain elimination helmet.
[Puts on helmet and taps it to activate it]
Kowalski: As you will see, the nerve inhibiting matrix will provide 100% protection from any kind of...
[Lets a cinder block fall on his flipper]
Kowalski: Aah! It's not perfected! Oh, it hurts! It hurts so bad!

Private: Is he gone?
Kowalski: No sign of him - Aaah!
Private: What was that for?
Kowalski: I just assumed he was going to pop out of no- Look behind you!
Private, Rico: Aaaah!
Kowalski: And once again I appear to be mistaken. Hmm. Guess it just goes to show you can never tell...
[Suddenly Skipper pops up beneath them, and they all run away screaming]

Kowalski: Okay, let's get stupid!
[Turns on degausser on Private; he falls unconscious]
Kowalski: Private? Are you all right?
Skipper: Rico, my medical supplies.
[Rico coughs up two rubber gloves; Skipper slaps Private with them until he's conscious]
Private: Ooh, is that a cotton candy machine? I like cotton candy.
[Goes to machine and gets shocked]
Kowalski: Eureka! Stupid mission accomplished!
Skipper: All we need to do now is to point him towards the hornet's nest and...
Private: Oh, pretty shiny light machine.
Kowalski: No, not the degausser!
Private: [Turns on degausser and waves it over his head] I'm a disco penguin.
Kowalski: Be careful!
[the degausser drains all of their thoughts; they fall unconscious]
Private: Hello?
Kowalski, Skipper: I like degaussing!
[Rico laughs stupidly]
Kowalski, Skipper, Private, Rico: Yay!

Private: Thoughts returning.
Kowalski: Picked up some of Rico's... Ugh! So horrible.
Rico: Sorry.

Kowalski: [Hiding from Skipper in the reptile house] Okay, based on what I know about zombies, the safest place to hide is in a small, dark room with creepy lighting.
[Skipper slams against glass]
Kowalski: Everything I've learned is a lie!

Skipper: All right, men. We've got an unauthorized gray lump. I need options.
Kowalski: This looks like a job for science!
[Cut to Kowalski poking nest with long stick]
Kowalski: Come on, science. Don't let me down.

Mort: You want me to talk to the bees?
Skipper: Hornets, and talking ain't gonna cut it. We need you to do something more decisive.
Mort: Kisses and huggies?
Kowalski: We... need you... to go up there... and remove... the hornet's... nest!
Mort: Then can I play in the bee's house?
Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, Private: Hornets!

Penguins of Madagascar (2014)
Private: Hello! Are you my family?
[the three penguins turn, knowing that they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private]
Kowalski: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.
Private: W-What?
[Skipper elbows Kowalski]
Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.
Skipper: [hits Kowalski] No one's gonna die.
[to Private]
Skipper: You know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.
[salutes Private, who salutes back]
Skipper: [tussles Private's head] So adorable.
[to Kowalski]
Skipper: Kowalski, what's our trajectory?
Kowalski: Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed.
Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?
Kowalski: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.
Skipper: I'll take that action.
Private: Where are going?
Skipper: The future, boys. The glorious future.

[They've arrived in Shanghai]
Kowalski: We've arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.
Skipper: We gotta blend in. River dance.
[They start river dancing]

Skipper: Alright, you! Where's Dave?
[repeatedly slaps a baby squid]
Skipper: Give us the goods.
Kowalski: Sir, that's a baby squid.
[the baby squid starts crying, then Skipper puts the baby squid down]
Skipper: Sorry, laddie.

Skipper: Debbie!
Kowalski: Dave.
Skipper: Dave!
Corporal: He hacked into our system.
[There's no sound onscreen as Dave speaks]
Eva: Where's the sound?
Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on.
Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.
Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens.
Dave: Hello?
[the screen goes off]
Dave: Hello?
Kowalski: But, now we can hear you.
Short Fuse: So annoying!
Kowalski: But we cannot see.
Short Fuse: Every time!
Classified: It's like talking to my parents.

[the penguins have just blown up an old ship]
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis?
Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!
Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High one!
[They all high five, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they saved]
Skipper: Ooh. My bad.
[the penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch]
Skipper: Look! It's the miracle of birth.
Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty.
[Suddenly, Private's egg explodes open, much to the disgust of the three penguins]
Skipper: Daaagh! That's disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!

Documentary Filmmaker: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life. And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...
[as the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski, they quickly move out of the way]
Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?
Antarctic Penguin: Who cares?
Antarctic Penguin: I question nothing.
Antarctic Penguin: Me too.
Antarctic Penguin: Me too.
Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.
[they flap their wings but cannot fly]
Kowalski: Skipper, we appears to be flightless.
Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well what's the point of these?
[Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five]
Skipper: Woah, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.

[the Penguins are dressed as German folk musicians]
Skipper: We take this shame to our graves.
Kowalski: Agreed.
[slap dance starts]

Kowalski: Sir, how long do we stand here like this?
Skipper: Until we reach maximum coolness.
Skipper: There it is.

Skipper: Leopard seals! Nature's snakes.
Kowalski: Aren't snakes nature's snakes?
Skipper: How should I know? I live on a flippin' frozen tundra!

Private: So... how do I look?
Kowalski: You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.
Private: What?
[Skipper elbows Kowalski]
Kowalski: What?
Skipper: If there's anything we've learned from this delightful adventure, KOWALSKI, it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do that counts.
[overwhelmed with emotion]
Skipper: And look at what you did.
[the penguins from different countries look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins]
Skipper: Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.
[Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private]

[as Dave prepares to use his ray on Private]
Kowalski: You're the monster!
Dave: [angrily] Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me every day in my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves YOU when YOU'RE the monster!

Skipper: [Dave drops from the ceiling in human disguise] Who are you?
Dave: The humans know me as Doctor Octavius Brine, renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives... but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hoped you'd never hear again. A PHANTOM! A shadow of a former life! I... AM...
[rips off disguise, but wig remains on his head]
Dave: Dave!
Skipper: [Whispers] Kowalski?
Kowalski: [Whispers back] Sorry, sir, no clue.
Dave: [Looks up, sees the wig on his head, and pulls it off] Dave!
Skipper: Dave?
Kowalski: Dave...?
Dave: Dave!
Private: [Smiles] Dave!
Dave: [Annoyed] DA-VUH!
Rico: [Rolls his eyes] Bleh.

Skipper: [after waking up from being tranquilized] What did North Wind do to us?
Private: [Turns around and shows the dart stuck in his back] They gave us badges!
Skipper: [Snatches the dart from his own shoulder] No, not badges... Tranquilizer darts!
[Looks around and realizes they're in a plane]
Skipper: Classified. That low-down, dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission!
Kowalski: He thinks we can't do anything because we're just
[makes quotation marks with his flippers]
Kowalski: "penguins".
Skipper: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're US! And if anyone's going to save us, it's us.
Kowalski: But sir, we've got to be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options.
[Punches the button closest to him, which opens the cargo hatch]

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Roger Dodger/Skorca! (#1.17)" (2009)
Marlene: Hey, guys.
Skipper: Marlene, you really have to say something before you burst in on us like that.
Private: Luckily you didn't set off our habitat's new security grid.
Kowalski: Tear gas, blow darts, land mines, the whole enchilada.
Marlene: Isn't that a little severe?
Skipper: Is it? One of these days, you'll learn that there is only one universal language: force.
Kowalski: And math.
Skipper: Right. Force and math.
Marlene: Music, also.
Skipper: Force, math and music are really the only...
Private: Laughter?
[Skippers slaps Private]
Skipper: The point is, we speak fluent force around here, and we feel safer knowing that no one, and I mean no one, is getting inside our lair.

Roger: A mind switching machine. Huh. Is this gonna hurt?
Kowalski: Just a little pinch, followed by the brief sensation of a thousand suns exploding in your skull.
Roger: Do I get a lollipop?

Private: I know what you're thinking. Private had too much sugar and dreamed up a flying whale that doesn't even exist.
Kowalski: Wow! That is what I'm thinking.
Skipper: Sugar dreams and mind-reading powers? How many Winkies did you eat?

Private: So, after Rico trounces the rats inside Roger's body, we switch them back?
Skipper: Exactly. It's 100% fool-proof.
Kowalski: More precisely, it's 2.7% fool-proof. There's a 97.3% chance that this will backfire and result in a horrific abomination that will be an affront to the most elemental laws of nature and the universe.
Skipper: I like those odds.

Private: But I really did see a skorca. You've got to believe me!
Skipper: And we wanna believe you, Private, but compare the evidence.
Kowalski: On the sugary-sugar side, we have a box of empty sugar cake wrappers and your own upset tummy.
Skipper: On the skorca's side, nothing. Less than nothing. Kowalski, what's a number less than nothing?
Kowalski: Uh... neg-finity.

Kowalski: [Bouncing on the orca balloon] Skipper, the creature appears to have a blubbery force field. Also... Whee-hee-hee!

Kowalski: [Looking through binoculars] Target is 17 yards dead ahead, Skipper.
[Skipper turns the binoculars the other way]
Kowalski: Make that 17 feet.

Kowalski: A flying orca. It's like our worst nightmare brought to life.
Skipper: Interesting theory. Then whose nightmare is the giant waffle cone sundae?
[Points to giant balloon of ice-cream cone]
King Julien: Flee for your lives! How can we be safe from Two-scoopula, the ice-cream that walks like a man?
[Rico hands him a spoon]
King Julien: Oh, I guess that would do it.

Skipper: Roger, how did you get past our security field?
Roger: Me? Oh, I just came in through the front door. Right over there.
Kowalski: In that case, according to security protocol, you are either an enemy agent, or our guest.

Skipper: Kowalski, diagnosis.
Kowalski: Acute imaginosis of the frighty bone. Worse case I've ever seen.
Skipper: Is there any cure?
Kowalski: The effects of the sugar should wear off in less than five minutes.
Skipper: [Slaps Kowalski] That's five minutes too many. Give me results.
Kowalski: Well, the skorca is a pretend creature. So, if we pretend to defeat it, that should cure Private's sugar-stoked fantasies.
Skipper: Imaginary combat. I like it. Men, iniciate Operation Scaredy-Cat, now!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: The Red Squirrel/It's About Time (#2.1)" (2010)
Skipper: Kowalski, progress report.
Kowalski: Nearing completion on escape tunnel 15, Skipper.
Private: Isn't that being overly cautious?
Skipper: Even better. It's full-blown paranoia!
Kowalski: No, I mean, we already have 14 escape tunnels. Isn't that enough?
Skipper: Manfredi and Johnson thought so. What was left of them came back in a manila envelope.
Kowalski: From Manila, ironically.
Skipper: There's no such thing as "too paranoid", Private. Remember that and forget you ever heard it.
Private: Um, I don't think that works the way you think it...
Skipper: Eyes on the flippers.

Kowalski: It's a time lock.
Skipper: Can you unlock it?
Kowalski: Well, it's high-tech inscription technology... from 1963.

Skipper: Okay, Kowalski, wow me.
Kowalski: Behold, a portal to times past. The Chronotron!
Skipper: So, it's a time machine?
Kowalski: Well, yes.
Skipper: So why not call it a time machine?
Kowalski: Sure, yeah. And while we're at it, let's call the Great Wall a fence, the Mona Lisa a doodle, and Albert Einstein Mr. Smartypants. Skipper, I don't think you're seing the big picture. With the Chronotron, we will be able to visit any period in history.
Skipper: Outstanding! Finally, those hippies can be stopped!

Kowalski: Think of all the historical figures we'll be able to meet.
Skipper: Yeah, like... well, I just want to slap a hippie or two. Maybe even make them get jobs.

Private: You are from the future! Tell me, am I married and living in a cottage in Nova Scottia with one egg and another on the way?
Kowalski: Um, no.
Private: [disappointed] Oh.

Kowalski: [From the future] Skipper, you've got to stop me!
Skipper: [Kicks Kowalski in the face] There, you're stopped.
Kowalski: Not me me! That me!
[points to present Kowalski]
Kowalski: I've got to destroy the Chronotron!
Skipper: There's two of you! You are from the future! Tell me, has the Earth become a post-apocalyptic wasteland swarming with irradiated mutants?
Kowalski: Uh, no.
Skipper: [Disappointed] Oh.

Kowalski: [after Rico stops the time disruption by throwing the Chronotron into it] But that shouldn't have worked! It breaks all known rules of science!
Skipper: And that's why we call Rico a maverick. He makes his own rules.

Skipper: Problem solved. Now go invent something that won't destroy the world.
Private: Like a snow cone machine.
Rico: Snow cone!
Kowalski: Snow cone, eh?
[Cut to New York submerged in snow cone]
Skipper: Kowalski! You maniac! You did it! You finally did it!
Kowalski: Yes, but you've got to admit, these are great snow cones.
Skipper: Oh, yes. Definitely worth it.

Skipper: What happened? I thought we mapped this tunnel.
Kowalski: I'm not sure. This wall shouldn't be...
Kowalski: a vintage pass code lock
Skipper: Excellent work, Kowalski. But can you open it?
Kowalski: Well, it is state of the art hyper encryption technology... from 1963. Nailed it
Skipper: Move in cautiously, men. Rico, ominous background music.

Skipper: That voice... That steely gaze.
Rockgut: You sugar puffs gonna stand there? Spill your tater tots. Where's the red squirrel?
Skipper: The red squirrel. Then you really are... Special agent Buck Rockgut.
Kowalski: The Buck Rockgut?
Private: Um, is that - is that some famous, then?
Private: Sweet ignorant Private, Buck Rockgut is our greatest american penguin hero. I've patterned my whole life after rotgut.
Kowalski: The bird who brought down penguin enemy number one: The red squirrel and may I say, it is honor, sir.
Rockgut: 86 the kiss-up, fauntleroy. let's get to brass tacks. I caught the squirrel, all right, but big red broke out, disappeared in the underground. so that's what I did too. 47 years I've been down in this bunker, waiting for the red squirrel to show his fluffy tail again. 47 years.
Rockgut: 47 years?
Rockgut: 47 years!
Private: Do you think the red squirrel would have shown up by now?
Skipper: Private.
Rockgut: College boy, huh? You see that bunker door? It only open when the red squirrel returns. Is it open now, dough boy?
Private: Yes.
Rockgut: Then red is back and you four lollipops are gonna help me find him.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Launchtime/Haunted Habitat (#1.1)" (2009)
The Skipper: Kowalski, status report.
Kowalski: I'm randomly pushing buttons while we spin out of control, Skipper.
The Skipper: Can I push one? I might feel better.

The Skipper: Talk to me, Kowalski.
Kowalski: These readings are off the charts!
The Skipper: Well, get bigger charts then. Take it out of petty cash.

The Skipper: So we didn't go lunar?
Kowalski: Seems I forgot to carry the two.

Kowalski: Lucky break you were there to rescue Marlene, Skipper.
The Skipper: Actually, I didn't so much rescue Marlene so much as...
Marlene: Umm?
The Skipper: Well, let's just say if I'm ever caught in a swirling current of raw sewage, I just hope Marlene is by my side.
Marlene: Oh, that's so sweet... I think.

Roger: So the Friedman's youngest, Benny, picks me up in Florida.
Private: Uh-huh.
Roger: They were visiting their Nana in Tampa, but that's neither here nor there.
Private: Uh-huh.
Roger: I was just a baby at the time, but you change, you grow... next thing I know, I'm flushed down the toilet.
Kowalski: Fascinating.
Roger: Actually, it's not as bad as it seems.

The Skipper: Gentlemen, I give you the Penguin One.
Private: Is it safe, Skipper?
[a piece falls off the rocket]
The Skipper: Kowalski?
Kowalski: Technically speaking, maybe.

Kowalski: According to rumors, the previous occupant of this habitat did disappear...
Private: ...under mysterious circumstances!
Marlene: He was transfered, to Toledo.
Mort: [scared] Toledo?
[All look scared]
The Skipper: [Holding a flashlight under his face] Ohio!
[Mort screams and runs away, slamming into a wall]

Marlene: You guys ever knock, or...?
Kowalski: Such pleasantries would only slow us down.
Private: We do pride ourselves on a rapid response.

Kowalski: It appears the ghostly death rattle is coming from your own respiratory system.
Marlene: Uh, yeah, of course. Can anybody spit it out in English?
[Rico lies down and snores]
Marlene: Snoring? I don't snore.
[Skipper plays back the tape of Marlene snoring]
The Skipper: Mystery solved. You spooked yourself.
Marlene: That wasn't the scary sound.
The Skipper: Oh, come on. It's bloodcurdling!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Otter Gone Wild (#1.18)" (2009)
Skipper: Kowalski, baloney detector reading.
[Rico spits out a slice of bologna and pokes a hole through it; Kowalski scans Marlene through the hole]
Kowalski: Skipper, I'm detecting dangerous levels of baloney.
Skipper: Marlene, do I need to call you a phoney baloney?

Skipper: Somebody wanna tell me what just happened here?
Kowalski: The answer is obvious. Marlene has fallen victim to... the mind control satellites that circle our Earth. Protective headgear, everyone!
Private: Gee, I think she's just gone wild.
Skipper: Right. I'm declaring red level emergency. Search and rescue, men.
Private: Um, Skipper? does this mean we're not getting snow cones?
Skipper: Private! How can you even ask that at a time like this?
[Cut to the penguins eating snowcones]

Skipper: Will she ever be the same?
Kowalski: Possibly, but it might take months, perhaps even years until she returns to her former self.
Marlene: Um, guys? Why am I in a cage?
Kowalski: Or maybe we just need to bring her home.
Skipper: Marlene, are you okay?
Marlene: I'm in a cage, so, not okay.
Kowalski: You don't remember anything that happened ouside the zoo?
Marlene: No.
Kowalski: Skipper, there's a scientific term for this: weird.

Private: We're going for yummy snow cones. Wanna come?
Marlene: Yeah! Snow cones? Snow cones are the best! And real quick, a snow cone is?
Kowalski: 72.4% shaved ice, 15.2% flavored syrup, 12.4% paper, of which 8.7% is recycled.

Skipper: The truth is, there is nothing to fear from the outside world.
Kowalski: Other than random street crime...
Private: And natural disasters...
Kowalski: Industrial accidents...
Private: Badger attacks...
Skipper: Are you two finished?
Kowalski: Falling space debris? Um, I'm finished.

Kowalski: You there! Have you seen this lemur and otter?
[Shows a picture of Marlene and Julien]
Fred: Which one of them is the otter?
Kowalski: This one, obviously. Note the whiskers?
Fred: No, I thought that was a cat.
Kowalski: Did I say "have you seen this lemur and cat"?
Fred: No, that's why I thought it was strange that you drew a cat.
Kowalski: It's not a cat.
Fred: Then why does it have whiskers?
Kowalski: You know what? Never mind the otter.
Fred: Cat.
Kowalski: Whatever! Have you seen the lemur?
Fred: What's a lemur?
Kowalski: I think we're done here.

Skipper: Kowalski, tell me you packed the climbing gear.
Kowalski: Sorry, Skipper. No room with all the trail mix.

King Julien: Uh, where did the cage come from?
Kowalski: Sorry, that is classified information.

King Julien: Outside, outside, outside! What is the big deal? Where is...
[Trips and gets his head stuck in a tree]
King Julien: Hey, where is the outside?
Kowalski: We could leave him there.
Skipper: Tempting, but it violates the penguin code.
Kowalski: Oh, yeah.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Cat's Cradle/Monkey Love (#1.19)" (2009)
Skipper: Eyes on the prize, Kowalski. Crack the new habitat security code, and we'll be swimming in all the fish we can stomach.
Rico: Fiiish! Ha-ha-ha!
Kowalski: I'm trying, but this is the most advanced encryption I've ever seen. It's got sudoku with fractions!
Skipper: Have you tried the master code?
Kowalski: One, two, three, four, five. Darn! Nothing!
Skipper: Now try it backwards.
Kowalski: Five, four, three, two, one. Aah!
Skipper: Now start at three...
Rico: Fiiiish!
[Spits out a chainsaw and cuts through the computer]
Kowalski: Wow. We're in!
Skipper: Way to hack that mainframe, Rico!

Kowalski: Skipper, our intel shows that there's one sure way to a female's heart. You start with a four-inch incision...

Skipper: Private, options.
Kowalski: Hello? I'm the options guy!
Skipper: But not when it comes to matters of the heart. That's where young Private here shines.
Kowalski: True, I have trouble understanding emotions, and feelings, and... women.
Skipper: Yeah. Duh. Private, you're on!
Private: Well, let's see...
Marlene: Come on, Private. You know what to do. Moonlight, guitar, oysters!
Private: Sorry, Marlene, but I was thinking that Phil could show off his machismo.
Skipper: Machismo! Español! I like it!

Skipper: Reach for the skies, chimps!
Lulu: What...?
Mason: Egad, penguin desperados, and they've got sticks!
Kowalski: Aargh! That's right, matey, and ooh, argh! Shiver me timbers, and orgh, eergh, argh!
Private: Kowalski, we're supposed to be desperados, not pirates.
Kowalski: Really?
[Rico sighs and leaps forward to attack]
Kowalski: The point is, we want all your bananas!
Private: And there's no one here tough enough to stop us!
Skipper: [Pointing at Mason] Certainly not this milksop.
Lulu: Hold on now. Mason may not be tough, but me... I'm from Hoboken!
[Beats up penguins]

Kowalski: Once you escape to the sewer, find an aligator named Roger and give him this secret code phrase: "Help me, oh, help me. Please, please help me. For the sweet love of mother mercy, please help me escape the animal control agent that's chasing me." He'll know what it means.

Officer X: Penguins. Nature's rule breakers. Birds are supposed to fly, but no, you gotta swim instead. Think you're above the laws of nature, punks? Do ya?
Kowalski: [to Skipper] Rancho Cuckoo-monga.

Skipper: Kowalski, options.
Kowalski: A strategic retreat, Skipper?
Skipper: Explain.
Kowalski: It's like running away but manlier.
Skipper: Execute.

Max: You gotta get me out of here. This kitten's nuts!
Kowalski: Apparently, the Rhodesian slasher has a very intense, very elaborate mating ritual. But the good news is, most fatalities don't take place until the fifth week.
Max: I can't take five weeks of this! What are we gonna do?

Mason: I don't know, Marlene, but I don't think that's quite the way to capture a chimp's heart.
[Suddenly the penguins pop out of a grate]
Skipper: You heard the chimp, men! We need a way to capture the lady chimp's heart. Kowalski, you...
Marlene: Hello? Mason came to me for advice, therefore it's my mission, not yours.
Kowalski: Ah, but use of the word "capture" automatically makes this a penguin operation.
Private: Sorry, Marlene. Those are the rules.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Go Fish/Miracle on Ice (#1.13)" (2009)
Skipper: Commence adorable high-jinks now! Go, go go!
Kowalski: Executing waddling with strange yet oddly-endearing body shakes.
Private: Pretending to lose my balance and face-plant into the pool now.
Skipper: I got belly sliding duty. Let's make it extra cute and cuddly today, boys.

King Rat: Aw, gee, bird. You don't look happy to see us.
Skipper: Well, we're not. So why don't you crawl back to that sewer you call a home?
Rat #1: Can't.
Rat #2: The pipes burst.
King Rat: There's a little too much sewer in the sewer. So we ain't going nowhere.
Kowalski: Uh, that's a double negative.
Skipper: Better make it a triple. You're out of here.

Skipper: How's the catch of the day, men?
Private: Looks fishy, Skipper.
Skipper: Fish are supposed to look fishy.
Kowalski: No, I think he means "fishy".
Skipper: Good "fishy" or bad "fishy"?
Private: [Shows Skipper the fish-shaped soy cakes] Definitely bad "fishy".

Rico: [Weakly] Fish... fish!
Kowalski: 67 hours without the succulent, salty tang of the sea. He can't take much more.
Skipper: Neither can I.

Kowalski: This is Wienner One. Are we aborting mission? Repeat, are we aborting mission?
Skipper: Gentlemen, we are penguins. We have a natural need to feed on the fruits of the sea. That's the way Mama Nature built us. Now who wants to spit in the eye of Mama Nature?
[No one speaks]
Skipper: That's what I thought. We are go for operation!

Skipper: Kowalski! speak to me, man!
Kowalski: Just a knock on the old monkey bus.
Skipper: Kowalski?
Kowalski: No need to paint. I'm as flopsy-faced as ever.
Skipper: I... don't think you're fit for duty.
Kowalski: Flibbertigibbit, man! I'm as juxtaposed as the next hamburger.

Skipper: Kowalski, adorability readings.
Kowalski: The readings show that the audience's adulation for our adorable antics is reaching optimum levels.
Skipper: Then hit them with the tail wags. No mercy!
[Penguins wag tails, audience aw]
Skipper: And cease tail wagging now! Always leave them wanting more.

King Julien: You probably couldn't get the ball into the hooppy thingy.
Kowalski: It's called a puck
King Julien: Oh, okay. You probably couldn't never get the ball into the puck thingy.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Jiggles (#1.28)" (2010)
Kowalski: Looks like somebody generated an electro-plasmonic energy orb. Booyah!

Kowalski: You don't understand. I haven't had a scientific breakthrough in weeks.
Private: What about your shrink ray?
Kowalski: Pfft! Small potatoes. Useless!
Skipper: I don't know. We could whip us up a batch of teeny-tiny French fries.

Kowalski: Thank the maker! Which in this case is me.

Skipper: [after Jiggles absorbs Julien] Kowalski, give me lemur extraction options, stat!
Kowalski: Don't you see? Julien was a Jiggles hater! You know what happens to Jiggles haters!
[Rico whispers "cuckoo"]
Kowalski: This is what happens when you hate on my monster!
Skipper: Aha! So you admit you made a monster.
Kowalski: The good kind of monster. My kind!
Skipper: [Slaps Kowalski] You gotta snap out of it, Kowalski!
Kowalski: Oh! Oh I see. You're all haters now! Well, see you later, science haters!
[Climbs on Jiggles as it crawls away]
Private: He called us haters. That makes me sad, Skipper.

[after Jiggles absorbs Kowalski]
King Julien: Oh, so now it's a problem.
Kowalski: How could I have been so blind? What have I done?
King Julien: I'll tell you what you have done. You've gone nutso!

Kowalski: They grow so exponentially.

Rico: Uh...
Private: Kowalski...
Skipper: Should we be concerned?
Kowalski: About what, Skipper?
Skipper: Oh, I don't know. Let's start with your monster!
Kowalski: Monster is a tad judgemental, isn't it?
Skipper: I call them as I see them.
Kowalski: Just because Jiggles has no central nervous system doesn't mean he has no feelings.
Skipper: He's a big blob of mad science, man!
Kowalski: Well, if he wasn't before, this scientist is mad now!

Kowalski: It is all clear to me now. Jiggles is a mindless monster on a ravenous rampage.
King Julien: [Running away] Best of luck with that!
Kowalski: I don't need luck. I need my friends.
Skipper: Present and accounted for.
Private: As long as you take back that hater remark.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Over Phil/Miss Understanding (#1.25)" (2009)
Skipper: Wrong. Wrong! Double wrong! Wrong infinity! There's no way I'm a female!
Kowalski: Now, what you are experiencing are the five stages of grief. Right now you're at stage one, denial.
Skipper: I am not! I'm just saying your stupid machine is wrong!
Kowalski: Well, it was based on scientific...
Skipper: Then science is wrong! And you're wrong! Everybody's wrong but me!

Skipper: [the penguins are in their car] Come on, what's the hold up?
Kowalski: [Looking at map] I'm sure there's a woman's restroom in here somewhere. I just never paid attention before.
Skipper: We could just ask for directions.
[the car stops]
Skipper: What is happening to me? Curse you, DNA!

Kowalski: Aha, just as I suspected! The DNA analyzer was the power hog. Gah! I knew I shouldn't have included the optional beak shiner.

Private: Let's try a little role playing. Pretend I'm Phil.
Mason: A bit of a reach, but very well.
Private: Now pretend I just made a mess.
Mason: Oh, Phil, another mess, which I have to clean up.
King Julien: No, no! That is all wrong!
[Jumps around like a monkey]
King Julien: Ooh, ooh! I sure do like a tire swing! Ooh!
Skipper: It's uncanny.
Kowalski: I know.
Private: Now do me!
King Julien: Okay
[Jumps like monkey again]
King Julien: Ooh, ooh! I sure do like stinky fish! Ooh!

Kowalski: [Skipper is blindfolded and holding a pin] Take your time, Skipper. There is no right or wrong answer.
[Skipper puts pin on picture in front of him and takes off blind fold; the picture has a monster truck on one side, and a pink pony on the other; the pin is on the pony]
Kowalski: Madam?
Skipper: Lies!
[Attacks picture]
Kowalski: I see we are now on stage two, anger. Next up is bargaining.
Skipper: Hey, Private. How about you and me exchanging test results? Come on.
Private: I don't think that's...
Kowalski: Depression...
Skipper: [Rolling on floor crying] My life is over! It's over! It's over, over, over!
Kowalski: And finally, acceptance.
Skipper: Well, I guess you have to play the cards you're dealt. Rico, hit me with a pretty pink bow.

Private: I think a wonderful way to begin would be to say something positive about Phil.
Mason: Very well. I am positive that Phil is disgusting and inconsiderate.
[Phil signs]
Skipper: What did he say?
Kowalski: No idea.
Mason: Go pound bananas?
Rico: Ooooh!
Kowalski: Tell it like it is, primate!
Skipper: You go!

Kowalski: But how could Alice be so wrong about there being a girl penguin?
Skipper: Ah, she's a mammal. Everyone knows they're all morons.
Marlene: What?
Private: [Holds Marlene back] We'll work on that one later.

Skipper: What kind of sick mind would leave messes over and over?
Kowalski: I've worked out a profile of our perp.
[Shows outline drawing of chimp]
Skipper: I know that face.
Mason: [steps in front of profile] Good evening. Oh, another mess! Here, let me clean it!
Skipper: Stand back. This is a crime scene.
Mason: It's no trouble, really.
Kowalski: Somewhere in this mess, the perpetrator left a calling card. He might as well have signed his name.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Needle Point/Eclipsed (#1.14)" (2009)
Private: Skipper, something's wrong with the sun.
Skipper: He finally did it!
Private: Who did what?
Skipper: My mad dolphin nemesis, Dr. Blowhole! He blew out the sun!
Kowalski: Actually, according to my calculations, it is the rare cosmic event known as a solar eclipse.
Rico: Huh?
Skipper: Are you sure it's not the crazed handiwork of my marine mammal foe?
Kowalski: It's totally natural. The moon is between the sun and the Earth... Ooh, it's a total eclipse! Wow! Are you as totally stoked about this as I am?

Skipper: Kowalski, options.
Kowalski: We'll need a diversion. I suggest releasing the spider monkeys. Bedlam is their middle name.
Skipper: They never disappoint.
Kowalski: Amid the chaos, we escape through the south entrance.
Skipper: Good. And then?
Kowalski: Then, we get jobs as holiday store displays. When we've earned enough money, we build a new secret lair, one with laser beams.
Private: Ooh, laser beams!

Kowalski: The point is, fear of medical professionals is completely unwarranted. Yes, the benefits to one's health and personal well being are much too important...
Alice: Looks like you penguins are due for a visit to the dentist.
Kowalski: The dentist? Aaaaah!
[Runs away]
Private: But we don't have teeth.

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: I'm picking up good vibrations.

Private: I don't mean to be cheeky, but why'd the doctor have to give the shots in the bum?
Kowalski: Our fleshy buttocks make ideal distribution points for injected medicines. Ugh! Unfortunately.

Kowalski: Skipper, I have what you're looking for.
Skipper: Outstanding! So when's the next big eclipse?
Kowalski: From today, 27 years, in Brazil.
Private: Ooh, I've always wanted to go to Carnaval.

Skipper: [as Kowalski goes to get his shot] Be strong, Kowalski.
Kowalski: [Gets his shot] Good Galileo Galile-EEEEEEEEEE!
Skipper: The man's a butcher.

Kowalski: There is no reason to fear the doctor.
Private: Except for his needle, and its slow burn of pain that...
[Kowalski glares at Private]
Private: ... that's not as bad as it seems.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: The Hidden/Kingdom Come (#1.10)" (2009)
Kowalski: All power lines run directly under the lemur habitat, right next to these water pipes. Theoretically...
Private: Maurice has shut down power and water to all the habitats. He can control everything now!
Kowalski: Wow. My theory was just about jerry-rigging a giant make-shift hot tub. This is much worse.

Kowalski: Time to listen to that gut. Even though technically a gut cannot vocalize... I'm doing it again!

Skipper: What's your sick and twisted game, Maurice?
Maurice: That's King Maurice, ruler of all I survey! Surrender to my supreme and mighty power!
Skipper: Well, that's going to be a bit of a problem. You see, I don't know the meaning of the word surrender.
Kowalski: Surrender is a verb, Skipper. It means to give up or yield... Oh, I see. Here' I'll do it myself.
[Slaps himself]

Skipper: Listen up, lemur. Maurice ate those bad nuts. He went off the deep end.
Kowalski: He's turned the lemur habitat into an armed fortress.
Private: He's enslaved the entire zoo!
King Julien: I cannot be believing my ears. Maurice ate my lychee nuts!

Skipper: Pop quiz, troops! What can't we trust?
Kowalski: Three-day-old mung beans.
Skipper: Right. What else can't we trust?
Private: Badgers!
Skipper: What?
Private: Maybe that's just me.

Kowalski: Unknown hostiles with tentacles and feet.
Skipper: Again? If I had a nickel for every time...

[Both Marlene and Private are trapped by tentacles; Kowalski can't decide which to save]
Kowalski: Private is part of the team. But Marlene has vital information. Then again, Private owes me five bucks...
Marlene: Kowalski!
Private: Kowalski!
[Both are pulled away]
Kowalski: No! Curse you, brain!

Skipper: So, always listen to your gut.
Kowalski: Sorry, Skipper, that's an anatomical impossibility.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Misfortune Cookie/Lemur See, Lemur Do (#1.16)" (2009)
Kowalski: When did you get a robot?
King Julien: Oh, do not be pretending, because I know it was you that sent this machine to mock me. Quit it!
Skipper: Well, Ringtail, we are working on a mocking you scenario.
Kowalski: Operation: Mock Julien.
Skipper: But it's still in the lab. It's still at Mach 2. We like to get to Mach 8 before implementation.

Mason: [Reading fortune cookie] You are careful and considerate.
Kowalski: After careful consideration, I concur with the cookie.

Kowalski: Fortunes are mere superstitions.
King Julien: Yes, these stitions are super, and that is why you must listen to them! This is a curse. Your friend has been given a misfortune cookie!
Private: A what?
King Julien: A misfortune cookie. It is like a regular fortune cookie, except it is filled with hate, and bile!... and sugar... and evil!
Private: Oh! That doesn't sound good. Except for the sugar part.
King Julien: You need the sugar, or the bile will overwhelm the flavor.

Skipper: Kowalski, report.
Kowalski: The robot...
Rico: Boom.
King Julien: Aaaagh! What - what has been done by you to my poor Lemmy?
Kowalski: Well, we... It was an accident.
Private: We didn't mean to blow him up.
Rico: Kablamo!
King Julien: He was the only robot I was ever loving.
Skipper: We're sorry, Ringtail. We just knew what was best.
Rico: Kablamo!
King Julien: Kablowing him up was the best?
Rico: Kablamo!
Skipper: Okay, we said we knew what was best. We just didn't do what was best.
[Julien leaves, crestfallen]
Rico: [Sadly] Kablamo.

Private: Skipper, I feel bad about this.
Skipper: Same here, young Private.
Kowalski: It's as if there's a deep, dark abyss in the center of your soul, and all that is light and good in the world is slipping into it.
Rico: Yup.
Kowalski: This must be what it feels like when you've done the wrong thing.
Private: We've never done the wrong thing before. I don't like it.

Skipper: This is madness. Utter madness! That robot has to be decisive, forceful, able to take down an armed space squid from 50 yards.
Private: Right.
Skipper: You can't boogie your way out of a Martian invasion. Those space squids play for keeps.
Private: But what can we do about it?
Skipper: We need to extract that robot away from Julien's sick schooling, and teach him the penguin way.
Kowalski: Yes! We are getting a robot!
Skipper: Affirmative.
Private: But how do we get the robot away from Julien?
Mort: [Steps out of the shadows, speaks in onminous tone] Leave that to me.
Skipper: Um... okay.
Mort: [Cheerful] Really?

Kowalski: Ah, here we go! We can replace Rico's brain with a wombat's!
Skipper: How would that help?
Kowalski: [Holds brain in a jar] I don't know, but I've got to do something with this.

Marlene: You want your fortune read, Rico?
[Rico spits out his fortune and gives it to Mason; Phil reads it and signs something]
Mason: Egad, are you sure you're reading that correctly?
Marlene: What's it say?
Mason: Uh... your smiles are like rays of sunshine, warm and inviting. My, look at the time, we must dash.
Skipper: Hold on, chimp! I smell monkey business.
Mason: You do?
Skipper: Yeah, I do. Rico, smile.
[Rico smiles]
Skipper: That is not a warm and inviting smile.
Kowalski: More like creepy and unsettling.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Zoo Tube/Snakehead! (#1.27)" (2010)
Skipper: Don't tell me you're all afraid of a little fish.
Kowalski: Not just any fish, Skipper. The snakehead trout. It's an invasive species that devours everything in its path, leaving nothing but despair and tragedy in its wake.
[Private, Rico and Kowalski look at picture of trout and run away screaming]
Skipper: It's... a... fish! We... eat... fish!
Kowalski: Yes! But this unholy beast flips the very order of nature.
Private: It's as if our dinner is having us for dinner!

Kowalski: I have an idea, but I'm not sure how safe it is.
Skipper: I like it already.

Skipper: Steady, men. On my mark, prepare to...
Kowalski: Fire everything!
[the penguins fire all the weapons on the ship]
Skipper: Did I say fire all weapons?
Kowalski: No, but I could see where you were going with it.

Private: Teeth! So many sharp, jagged teeth!
Kowalski: It was those black, soulless eyes that got me.
Skipper: Rico, get a load of these two yellow bellies.
Rico: [cowering behind a block] Yeah! Yellow bellies. He-he.
Skipper: Don't tell me you're afraid too.
Rico: Uh-huh!

Kowalski: I'm so ashamed.
Private: Me too.
Rico: Uh-huh.
Kowalski: Not so ashamed that I'd go out there.
Private: Gosh, no!
Rico: Nu-huh!

Mason: [pulls out camcorder] Phil and I recently liberated this from Lost and Found.
Skipper: Video! I like where your head's at, simian. Simple blackmail.
Mason: Actually, I just thought we could make a commercial to show off some of the animals at the zoo.
Marlene: And then what? We climb a giant space ladder, hook it up to a satellite and broadcast the commerical all over the city?
Kowalski: Marlene, that's brilliant! You may have a future in science.
Marlene: Oh, really... You think?
Kowalski: I'ts so obvious. Why didn't I think of it? Skipper, do you mind?
[Skipper slaps Kowalski]

Kowalski: Turns out they don't make giant space ladders. Skipper, would you?
[Skipper slaps Kowalksi]
Kowalski: So instead we'll build this. A satellite transmitter. We'll need a satellite dish, telescope, cell phone, flashlight, egg timer, toilet plunger, and a treadmill.
[Rico barfs out egg timer, flashlight and plunger]
Kowalski: And we still need the satellite dish, cell phone, telescope and treadmill.
[Rico tries to regurgitate them but can't]
King Julien: Here, let me try.
[Squeezes Mort; he farts]
King Julien: Oh, Mort! Oh, that burns my nose!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: An Elephant Never Forgets/Otter Things Have Happened (#1.26)" (2009)
Skipper: So, what's the trouble, Long Trunks?
Burt: You guys gotta help me. I need to get out of the zoo and across town, today!
Private: Ooh, a breakout.
Kowalski: Complicated by crosstown transport of the world's largest land mammal.
Skipper: That's a pretty tall order, my ginormous friend. May I ask why?
Burt: Let's just say an elephant never forgets.
Rico: Uhh...
Skipper: Ooh, dark and sinister sounding with the classic pachyderm cliché. Big man, you play me like a fiddle.

Skipper: Now, if anyone asks, you're name is Frosty Fun Times truck number 26.
Kowalski: You were raised a laundry delivery truck, but on your eighteenth birthday, you decided to follow your dream and never looked back.
Private: Why would anyone ask a truck about...
Skipper: Don't confuse the man with questions, Private. It's a very complicated alias.

Kowalski: I'd like to go back and add some more haybales to the elephant decoy. I feel like I underpadded the buttocks.
Skipper: Good call. I've lost too many men to buttock inaccuracies.

Private: I wonder how the rest of Marlene's date went?
Skipper: I'm sure it was a many splendored thing.
Kowalski: Of course. It was scientifically approved.
Marlene: Hi, guys. So, me and Fred? Not happening.
Kowalski: What?
Marlene: Turns out what I thought was him being funny was actually just him being...
Skipper: Dumb as a sack of hammers?
Marlene: Let's just say I did not hear Spanish guitar when we were together.
Kowalski: But, but science let us to him. Science said he was perfect. Science! Why have you forsaken me?

Skipper: Our first obstacle is Alice. We need something to keep her occupied during Burt's exodus.
Kowalski: Perhaps a large mess to clean up. But what would be the ideal spot for maximum filthyosity? The public restrooms, of course!
Skipper: Now we need some sort of stink bomb.
Kowalski: Chemical or organic?
Skipper: Let's go green on this one. Big Gray, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Burt: Bean, broccoli and cabbage burrito. Why?
Skipper: Perfecto!

Skipper: [the penguins discover some photos pinned on Burt's habitat] Well, this is, uh, disturbing, to me. Anyone else?
Private: I'm disturbed as well, Skipper.
Kowalski: [Focusing on a photo of a kid] Look at that kid with the kazoo. Could it be? The legendary Kid Kazoo?
Rico: Kid Kazoo?
Kowalski: You know, Kid Kazoo? The scourge of the Central Park Zoo? Surely you've heard the tales. He was a Sunday regular, a real piece of work, with a smile like a bear trap, and a laugh like a deranged birthday clown. But the sickest thing was that kazoo, screeching incessantly like a kindergarten orchestra.
Private: That sounds horrible, Kowalski.
Kowalski: Kazoos always do, Private. But no one had it worse than poor Burt. With those jumbo-sized ears, that constant buzzing was unbearable. He hated that kazoo! I wonder what ever happened to the little maniac?
Skipper: [Looks at a picture of an adult man] Wait a minute. Look at those shifty eyes. That devious half-smile. Those kazoo-kissed lips.
Kowalski: By Newton's apple, you're right! It's Kid Kazoo all grown up!
Rico: Wow!
Private: Burt really knows how to hold a grudge. For years, apparently.

Private: We just thought an otter alone in the big city might be...
Marlene: What?
Skipper: Lonely! The soul-crushing solitude must be eating you alive!
Marlene: Right. But why the sudden interest in my love life?
Kowalski: All right, we needed a guinea pig, and you were the closest species. Genetically speaking.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Can't Touch This/Hard Boiled Eggy (#2.3)" (2010)
Skipper: Men, I have here a fresh scarlet snapper, and it's yours for the taking. All you have to do is come and get it.
Private: But Skipper, the floor's covered with mousetraps.
Skipper: Razor-sharp observation there, young Private.
Kowalski: This will complicate fish acqusition.
Skipper: This snapper goes to whoever has the wits, the cunning, and the agility...
[Rico just rushes through and takes the fish, covered in mousetraps]
Skipper: Or Rico. It goes to Rico.

Skipper: What I mean is this dangerous penguin business, and you are not ready, period. Or possibly even exclamation point. Kowalski, punctuation options.
Kowalski: I suggest the Spanish inverted. ¡Muy fuerte!

Kowalski: Well, I call that mission accomplished. So, what do we do with the rest of our day?
Private: Oh! We could get temporary tattoos, and, um, motocycle club nicknames.
Rico: Vroom! Vroo-vroo-vroom, vroom!
Kowalski: I'll be Bobby Thunderskull!
Skipper: All in favor of Private's tattoos and nicknames plan say...
Maurice: [offscreen] Waaugh!
Kowalski: Waaugh! Um... we should probably do something.

Mother Duck: Oh, dancing. That's safe. You cured my baby!
Kowalski: Yes, we can definitely state that Eggy no longer wants to be a penguin... and may the world forgive us!

Skipper: Men, I need options. And not our regular options. The options we bust out for special guests.
[Rico barfs out a balloon]
Skipper: I admire your moxie, Rico, but I think we should save the victory party until after.
Kowalski: Skipper, I think what Rico means is to rub the balloon on Randy's coat to create a static charge that will prove most shocking.
Rico: Yep-a-doodle!
Skipper: Oh, well then, go for it.

Kowalski: He's putting on an adorably phoney British accent.
Skipper: Just like the Private.
Private: Phoney? This is how I really talk!
Skipper: Sure it is... guv'na.

Skipper: Exercise complete.
Kowalski: As I suspected. A stuffed bunny.
Skipper: Yes, but why didn't you hit it?
Kowalski: What? But it's...
Private: We thought this was an exercise on where to apply force.
Skipper: Oh, it was.
[a crossbow pops out of the bunny]
Private: How did you get a crossbow inside...
Skipper: I know a man in Havana. He doesn't ask questions, and neither do I.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Driven to the Brink/Friend-in-a-Box (#2.14)" (2010)
Kowalski: It's starting. The traditional first steps of the potty dance.
King Julien: I never learned that dance, because, you know, I just go wherever I am.
[Kowalski steps aside]
King Julien: What? I'm the king. It's cool

King Julien: You must be wondering about that.
Kowalski: I pass no judgement on you lemurs and your sick, depraved habits.

Private: Looks like someone got a new circuit board.
Kowalski: Yes, state of the art processor, hollah!
Private: So where did you get it?
Kowalski: Uh, I...
Private: Come again?
Kowalski: I got it from...
Private: You got it from where?
Kowalski: I took it from Mort's video game, all right? I stole from poor, innocent Mort to fuel my own scientific ambitions! But it was totally worth it. See?
[Turns on psychotron]
Private: [thoughts transmitted from psychotron] Oh, Kowalski. How could you?
Skipper: [Thoughts transmitted from phsychotron] This side of you makes me want to throw up in my beak!
Rico: [Thoughts transmitted from psychotron] Fiiiiish!
Kowalski: [Thoughts transmitted from psychotron] They're right. I'm a monster. A selfish monster!
Kowalski: Oh, what have I done?
[Throws psychotron across room; King Julien enters and poses next to psychotron]
King Julien: [thoughts transmitted from psychotron] I would look good in pantaloons.
King Julien: Yes, I agree with the voice that sounds like me. Pantaloons would accent my regality, but that is not why I'm here.

Private: If I didn't know any better, I'd say that car has it in for Rico.
Kowalski: Oh, Private. There you go, anthropomorphizing the inanimate, again.
Skipper: That's a lot of egghead jibber-jabber, but that doesn't explain why our car is after Rico.

Kowalski: Anthropomorphizing the inanimate with a supernatural twist? Preposterous.
Skipper: Maybe so, but Private might be on to something. Our auto's gone loco.
Kowalski: That's impossible.
Skipper: More than that, it's unauthorized, and that won't fly in this unit.

Kowalski: In your haste you must have added some parts from my projects. There's your ghost, Rico. My targeting system was targeting you.
Skipper: So, no ghost?
Kowalski: No ghost. Let's hear it for jibber-jabber!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: What Goes Around/Mask of the Raccoon (#1.21)" (2009)
Skipper: Ah, closing time. Are there two sweeter words known to man or beast?
Private: Puppy love?
Rico: Ka... boom?
Kowalski: Plutonium-fueled-DNA-mutating-abomination-monster maker.
Rico: Huh?
Kowalski: The first word's hypenated.
Skipper: Yeah, yeah, all good. But the words I was thinking of were...
Little Girl: My dolly!
Private: [snickering] Skipper?
Skipper: That wasn't me! That was...
Little Girl: I lost my dolly!
Skipper: Hot-molded plastic! Dolly down! Rescue operation is a go, go, go!

Kowalski: [about Officer X's van] So wild. So free. But I know I can tame her!
Skipper: We'll never make it to the zoo with that steel psychomobile on our tail. Men, we've got to take that van out.
Kowalski: [Struggling] No! Yes. You're right. The van must... go! I need a minute.

Officer X: I loved that van!
Kowalski: Yes, we all loved the van! You think you're the only one hurting?
Skipper: Let it go, Kowalski!

Skipper: Let's not rush to judgement. My team will conduct a thorough investigation. Then, when all the facts are in...
[Rico bursts in babbling excitedly]
Kowalski: Someone stole our TV!
Skipper: ...Then we're gonna nail that thief to the wall!

Archie: [French accent] Oh, Skipper, mon ami! What a pleasant surprise...
Skipper: Don't mon ami me! You took advantage of our good nature!
Kowalski: Not to mention all the citizens of the zoo.
Archie: [Drops accent] Look, it's not what you think...
Private: Even your charming French accent... was a lie! How could you?
Archie: Yeah, about that. Well, you see... Look out! Leopard seal!
Skipper: Hit the dirt!
[the penguins duck, as Archie runs away]
Skipper: Blast! He duped us.
Kowalski: And we fell for it like a couple of first-year hatchlings.

Private: You're a dirty, dirty liar! And your pants are on fire!
Rico: Whoa!
Private: And - and you go jump up and touch a telephone wire! That's what a dirty liar you are!
Skipper: Stand down, Private. We'll take it from here.
Archie: Thanks. Some of those things he said were really hurtful.
Skipper: Mister, you're just entering a world of hurt! Kowalski, hurt options.
Kowalski: The Vulcan towel snap?
Skipper: Possibly. Go on.
Kowalski: The Spanish wet willie?
Skipper: Intriguing.
Kowalski: The Croatian purple nurple?
Skipper: Bingo! Gentlemen, we have a winner. Rico, do the honors.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Mort Unbound/Roomies (#1.15)" (2009)
Skipper: Kowalski, just what are we looking at here?
Kowalski: Isn't it obvious?
Private: Looks like a regular old fish to me.
Kowalski: That's because it is.
[Private turns to Rico, who shrugs "I don't know"]
Skipper: Fantastic. Uh, thanks for clearing that up, Kowalski. Meeting adjourned.
Kowalski: No, wait! It's a regular fish now, but when I zap it with my super ray, it will be a super fish. When we eat the super fish, we will get stronger bones, denser muscle mass, and best of all, remarkably shiny feathers.
Skipper: Aces, Kowalski! And here I thought you'd finally cracked.
[to Rico]
Skipper: Keep an eye on him. I think he's finally cracked.

Skipper: Kowalski tell me you've got that antidote figured out.
Kowalski: Yeah, I... got nothing. No matter what I do, the formula's molecular structure fails to achieve low-energy orbitals.
Private: [tastes the antidote] Hmm, tart. Have you tried adding sugar?
Kowalski: Private, please. This is an intricate problem that requires that...
[gasps in realization]
Kowalski: Sugar! Of course! That's the answer! The monosaccaride will stablelize the entire solution!
Skipper: [high-ones Private] Good work, Private.
Private: Yes, well, I thought it needed the monostereo... thing.

Skipper: Stay alert, men. We might not be dealing with 115.384 otters at all. We could be dealing with one enormous mutated 1,500-pound otter.
Kowalski: Or we could be dealing with six fairly large, semi-mutated 250-pound otters.
Private: Or 1,500 tiny one-pound otters. Right, Skipper?
Skipper: I like where your head's at, Private.
Marlene: Yeah, it's so not an otter.
Skipper: Is it because of how horribly mutated it is?
Marlene: What? No! Because it's a walrus.
Kowalski: For the record, is this walrus mutated in any way?

Skipper: Kowalski, options.
Kowalski: Only one, Skipper. Close your eyes so you don't see it coming.

Marlene: Don't you guys ever knock?
Kowalski: Skipper thought you should see this.
Private: The zoo transfer papers.
Kowalski: According to this, your interloper - er, roommate - arrived in port this morning, on a class-F freigher.
Marlene: And?
Private: A class-F freigher is for animals weighing 1,500 pounds or more.
Kowalski: If the average otter weighs 13 pounds, that means exactly 115.384 otters are headed this way.

Skipper: Well, I guess she wasn't a spy after all.
Kowalski: Marlene, have you seen my invention anywhere?
Marlene: It's right over... that is it was... lying right over... there?
[Cut to Rhonda in the crate, holding Kowalski's invention and speaking into a walkie-talkie]
Rhonda: [British accent] This is Agent 12 calling Dr. Blowhole with a priority one coded alert. Take me out to the ball game. Repeat, take me out to the ball game. Agent 12 out.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Out of the Groove/Jungle Law (#1.22)" (2009)
Skipper: Ah, King Ringtail. I believe I owe you some words.
Kowalski: In random order, they are: told, I, so, you.
Skipper: Allow me to unscramble.

Skipper: [starts dancing] That ain't right! Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: Skipper, you seem to be shaking your booty.
Private: Quite impressively, I might add.
Rico: Uh-huh!
Skipper: I'm not doing this. Something's making me dance.
King Julien: You... you have my groove! It is not all bye-byed after all! Yes!
Skipper: Get it outta me!
King Julien: I don't know how.
Darla: Guess who does.
Mort: Is it Santa?
Darla: Yea... what? No! I'm the only one who can fix this. But am I gonna?
Mort: Santa would.
Darla: Well, I ain't Santa!
Private: What if Julien apologized?
Darla: That's all I'm asking.
King Julien: Have I not made my policy on apologizing clear? It is for the weak and wrong.
Skipper: Listen, Ringtail. I'm about to show you how weak and wrong you are. Apologize now.
King Julien: Uh-uh.
Skipper: Okay then. Let's dance!

Kowalski: I can't look away from the raw, savage splendor!
Private: I want to cry, but I don't know if it's because I've never seen anything so beautiful, or anything so horrifying.

Skipper: I don't get it. What in the world made me shake my tailfeathers like that?
Private: Maybe Darla's magic was real.
Kowalski: Don't be ridiculous, Private. Cold, hard science negates even the possibility of magic.
Private: Okay, then maybe Skipper has a dancer buried deep inside him.
Skipper: Magic's real. Case closed.
Kowalski: But science...
Skipper: Nope, I said case closed.

Burt: [attacking King Julien] Peanut head! Peanut head!
Kowalski: We're only here to talk, friend. Straight turkey, no judgements.
Maurice: Are you crazy? The dude's head doesn't even look like a peanut!
King Julien: What? How dare you insult my gloriously peanut-shaped head!
[Burt sticks his trunk over Julien's head]
Kowalski: Oh, golly!
Maurice: That ain't right.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Popcorn Panic (#1.12)" (2009)
Skipper: Look alive, men. Time to get us some popcorn. Prepare to commence Operation: Popcorn.
Kowalski: A bit on the nose, isn't it, Skipper?
Private: Easy to remember, though.
Rico: [Mumbling] Popcorn!
Skipper: Roger that, Rico.

Kowalski: [Looking at a zoo directory] According to this symbol, which appears to be Aztec in origin, you are here.
Skipper: Tell me something I don't know.
Kowalski: Without muccus, your stomach would digest itself.
Skipper: Tell me something else I don't know. Something less... disturbing.

Skipper: Keep your stiking opposable thumbs off our popcorn!
King Julien: This is ours. Mort found it. Right, Mort?
Mort: [Under bag] Uh-huh.
King Julien: Finders keepers. Ha ha!
Skipper: Kowalski, legal analysis.
Kowalski: He's got you, Skipper. It's the Finders Keepers Treaty of 1859.
Skipper: Blast! Secure another bag, men.

King Julien: Okay, my kingly plan is coming to me. First, obviously, we must get rid of that insane zookeeper Alice.
Skipper: Negatory. You'll just get more Alices in her place.
Kowalski: A lot more Alices.
Skipper: Give us the number, Kowalski.
Kowalski: 42.
Skipper: Good. You can show me your math later.

Kowalski: Snack storage facility at 11 o'clock.
Skipper: Blast, it's already 10:57. We don't have much time.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: The Falcon and the Snow Job/The Penguin Stays in the Picture (#1.29)" (2010)
Private: Skipper, hasn't Kitka's behavior seemed a little strange this week?
Skipper: Strangely attractive, or strangely compelling?
Kowalski: Skipper, I believe Private meant strange in the "Oh, sweet mercy, we are going to be torn to shreds and swallowed into a churning cauldron of digestive juices!" sort of way.

Skipper: A huntress, eh? Winged mistress of the skies. Enchante, Miss...
Kitka: Kitka. Sorry if I frightened you.
Skipper: Frightened? Ha! Ma'am, I eat fright for breakfast.
Kowalski: With skeleton marshmallows.

Kowalski: As I was saying, the culprit is...
King Julien: Me! I confess! I did it! Mort was camera-hogging all the glory, so I got rid of him! Who knew the depths of my depravity?
Maurice: No, you didn't! I was with you the whole time.
King Julien: Oh. Well in that case, disregard my previous apology.
Mort: Even though I am a ghost, I still have your feet. Yay!

Kowalski: Can I finish my sentence, please? The culprit is... someone... excedingly mean, or at the very least, not nice.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Gone in a Flash (#1.0)" (2008)
The Skipper: Private, these sardine smoothies are top-notch. What's your secret?
Private: Love, sir. I made them with love.
The Skipper: Love?
Kowalski: It's a chemical reaction in the brain inducing bliss. Highly addictive.
The Skipper: [knocks the smoothie from Rico's wing] No more love in the smooties! We gotta stay sharp. The concrete jungle is an elusive mistress who may call us into action at any given moment.

[Maurice and the penguins are in a subway railroad]
Maurice: Gotta... rest.
The Skipper: No dice. We need to be back at the zoo by 0900.
Kowalski: Which doesn't give us much time.
Private: We should go faster.
Maurice: There is no way I can go any faster.
The Skipper: Oh, I'll bet the old D-train will change your tune.
[the penguins slide along the rails]
Maurice: The what?
[a subway train approaches; Maurice runs faster to avoid it]

Kowalski: I suggest we enlist Doris the dolphin to use her echolocation skills to track the missing lemur.
The Skipper: Forget it, Kowalski. She's useless on land. Besides, Doris only likes you. She doesn't "like you" like you.

The Skipper: Scuff marks from a portly lemur. My guess, he stumbled backwards. But why?
Kowalski: Perhaps a localized seismic event of unknown origin, Skipper.
Private: Or maybe the camera's flash blinded him.
The Skipper: Sounds a little preposterous, Private. But just in case... Kowalski, run a temporarily blinded portly lemur scenario, pronto.
Kowalski: Stand right here, Rico.
[after some calculations, pushes Rico off the ledge; he bounces off the inflatable castle and lands on a trashcan]
Kowalski: That confirms our target fell into this waste receptacle.
The Skipper: El excelente! I know exactly what happened. Into the can, men.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Night and Dazed/The Big Squeeze (#2.10)" (2010)
Skipper: You do know about koalas, do you, Private?
Private: Aside from their fuzzy cuteness, no.
Skipper: Me neither. Kowalski, enlighten us.
Kowalski: Koala: a herbivorous nocturnal marsupial.
Skipper: In Americano, please.
Kowalski: They eat nothing but leaves, the ladies carry their young in pouches, and they sleep all day.
Skipper: Oh. A hippie.

Kowalski: What would Leonardo DaVinci do?
Private: Paint a haunting portrait of a woman smiling enigmatically?
Skipper: Couldn't hurt, I guess.
Kowalski: [makes a flying device out of trash] Create and innovate!

Private: We're just trying to help.
Leonard: Help? You want to help? Then don't help!
Skipper: We don't take orders, we give orders.
Kowalski: Yes, that is the traditional rescuer-rescuee relationship.

Kowalski: It appears to be a Hoboken surprise.
Private: Maybe it's a unicorn!
Skipper: Private, the transfer is from New Jersey, not Rainbow Ponyland.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Tagged (#1.20)" (2009)
Skipper: Kowalski, give me some options for evening out these fierce tans.
Kowalski: I suggest a 180-degree horizontal axis rotation.
Skipper: Right. On my mark, flip.

Private: Skipper, how cold is it?
Skipper: Kowalski?
Kowalski: I'm not certain, but I'd put the over-under at 17 degrees Fahrenheit.
[Taps beak]
Kowalski: The freezing point of snot.
Private: I've lost all feeling in my left cheek, Skipper.
Skipper: That's my cheek, Private, and it's the right one. But don't worry. This joker can't hold out much longer.
[the professor turns on a space heater]
Skipper: I stand corrected.

Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: Ankle bracelets with tracking devices. They can monitor our every move.
Skipper: That ain't gonna fly! No one can know our whereabouts at any time, not even us. Rico, hacksaw me!
[Rico hocks out a hacksaw, Skipper catches it]
Private: Skipper, are you going to saw off the bracelet?
Skipper: Bracelet? I was just going to saw off my foot. But you might have something there, Private.
Kowalski: Wait, Skipper! Tamper-proof lining. If you cut the bracelet, it would break and set off the alarm.
Skipper: Well, men, it looks like we've got us a waiting game.
Kowalski: I'm afraid we don't have time to wait, Skipper. We left the air conditioning room before I could install the cooling attachment. Without it, the heat inside the furnace will built up until...
Rico: Kaboom!
Private: [faints] Oh dear.

Maurice: Okay, the cooling device is installed. Now what?
Kowalski: If you open the front panel, you will see seven different colored knobs.
[They open the panel; all the knobs look the same shade of red]
Kowalski: Red, crimson, scarlet, brick, salmon, ruby and rose. It is of utmost importance that you only turn the scarlet knob.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: The Lost Treasure of the Golden Squirrel (#2.4)" (2010)
Skipper: We need you to take a look at this squirrel artifact.
Fred: Hmm.
[Looks at it]
Fred: Well, later, guys.
King Julien: Excuse me! What about the treasure?
Fred: What treasure?
Kowalski: What he means is can you tell us something about it.
Fred: Oh, you said just to look at it. Tell you. That's harder.

Private: Your Granny's a genius, Fred.
Fred: She certainly is.
Kowalski: How does she know so much about the treasure?
Fred: Wait, you think she's my grandma? That's not my grandma.
Skipper: She's not?
Fred: No, I told you. She's in my tree taking a nap.
Skipper: Fred, she hugged you.
Fred: Well, that did strike me as a bit odd, but what was I gonna do, say no to a hug? I love hugs.

King Julien: Excuse me. Did I just hear the word "treasure" in among those words? Because since I held that key for 3.5 seconds, that entitles me to half the treasure.
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
Kowalski: 3.5 seconds divided by 9/10ths of the law equals 50% of the treasure. Well, I question his methods, but his math is impeccable.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Happy King Julien Day! (#1.3)" (2009)
Mort: Please, King Julien Day is my most favorite holiday in the whole wide world. I love it this much!
Kowalski: That's a whole lot of love in relation to body mass.

Skipper: Maurice thinks he can bribe us with his piñata promises. Pity for him, penguins are not for sale. Right, men?
Private: I wonder what's in that piñata? I bet it's full of butterscotch lollies and sour balls.
Kowalski: I'd say we're looking at a 50/50 mix of gummy fish and candy buttons.
Rico: Yay, buttons!
Skipper: We may never know, because today we are performing scheduled maintenance on the HQ.
Kowalski: Perhaps we can reschedule?
Skipper: We can't just reschedule scheduled maintenance that's been scheduled, right here on the schedule.

Skipper: All right, so why are we here?
Kowalski: Ah, yes. The question that has vexed common man and philosopher alike.
Kowalski: That's not what you were going for, is it?

"The Penguins of Madagascar: All King, No Kingdom/Untouchable (#1.24)" (2009)
Kowalski: Without friends, his psyche snapped like Snappy S. Snapperton, snappiest person in Snappidelphia, son of Snap Snapperton, snap photography specialist...
Skipper: Rico?
[Rico slaps Kowalski]
Kowalski: Thanks.

Skipper: [Recuperating from the poison] Sound off, Kowalski.
Kowalski: I can taste sound. But that's over now.
Skipper: Rico?
[Rico moans]
Barry: [Playing checkers with Private, who's still wearing the metal suit] King me!
Skipper: Is everyone else seeing a poisonous frog playing checkers with a robot penguin?
Rico: Uh-huh!
Skipper: Right. Back on the rack, men.

Skipper: [after Barry poisons Rico] How long until he's back to normal?
Kowalski: Normal normal, or Rico normal?
Skipper: Uh... let's say Rico normal.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Penguiner Takes All (#1.6)" (2009)
Skipper: Kowalski, what did you said earlier?
Kowalski: Um... This stinks?
Skipper: Before that.
Kowalski: Mama, I made boom-boom?
Skipper: Too far back.

Kowalski: If by some statistically remote chance you do win, the rewards will be glory and respect.
Private: And a little swagger in your step.
King Julien: These prizes sound cheap. As your king, I already own glory and respect. Don't I?
Maurice: Glorify!
Mort: Respectify!
King Julien: See? But not a TV. Yes! Long have I wanted a box with tiny shouting people inside.

Skipper: Lemur! One last game. All or nothing.
King Julien: But I have the all and you have the nothing. So, how does that work?
Skipper: Kowalski, options.
Kowalski: Sorry, Skipper. We lost my options clipboard two nights ago.
King Julien: Righty-o. Maurice, options.
Maurice: They could swear their undying loyalty to you.
King Julien: Groveling, obeying, and combing the knots out of my tail?
Maurice: That'd be the idea.
King Julien: Ooh, I likey!
Skipper: We accept those terms.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Dr. Blowhole's Revenge (#1.30)" (2010)
Skipper: Kowalski, intelligence.
Kowalski: Above average, but I don't like to brag... Oh, right. The map. Here.

Skipper: Kowalski, run a trace.
Kowalski: [Tastes robot Julien] Sea salt, rollercoaster grease and all-beef franks.
Skipper: Coney Island.
Private: Subway convenient, at least.
Skipper: No. They'd be expecting that.

Dr. Blowhole: Ever since my humiliation in the Ring of Fire, I have sworn revenge on the humans. It made me bitter.
Private: Did he say bitter or better?
Skipper: I'm not sure. It's hard to tell with all the echo in here.
Kowalski: That would be the high ceilings.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Crown Fools (#1.9)" (2009)
Kowalski: We're all in this together.
[a steel cage falls around them]
Kowalski: And by this, I mean a steel cage trap.

Marlene: [speaking on a walkie-talkie] What's going on down there?
Kowalski: Marlene, good news. The crown has been found.
Marlene: That's great! Wait... Where's Skipper?
Kowalski: Skipper is unable to take your call right now. He is about to battle a giant mutated rodent.
Marlene: Oh!
Marlene: Huh?

Marlene: Why are you guys working anyway? Come on, it's Fun Day.
Skipper: Fun Day? Rico, code blue! Private, make a weapons check! Kowalski, options for... hey, hey, whoa, whoa! What's Fun Day?
Kowalski: Few humans visit on Mondays, thus our zoo overlords have renamed Monday "Fun Day".
Skipper: Why wasn't this in my morning briefing? How am I to know this stuff?
[Camera pulls back to show a large sign reading "Fun Day!" hanging over the penguin habitat]
Skipper: Come on, people! I'm not a mind reader!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Paternal Egg-Stinct (#1.4)" (2009)
Skipper: We're an elite force, not nurse maids!
Kowalski: Actually, incubation is a male thing for penguins. It's natural instinct.
Skipper: You too, Kowalski? We can't give in to every gushy urge nature's burdened upon our species!

Marlene: [to King Julien] You laid an egg?
Kowalski: Highly improbable. Mammals don't lay eggs. Unless... are you part platypus?
King Julien: What? You are a partapuss.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Tangled in the Web (#1.8)" (2009)
Marlene: A computer is a machine the people use to avoid work, mainly by watching silly little videos.
Maurice: You're saying those cameras are there so the whole world can watch us?
Skipper: Like hawks!
Kowalski: Except for the swooping down and devouring us part.
Private: Hopefully.

Skipper: Kowalski, recon. What do you see?
Kowalski: [Seeing through binoculars] Not sure. The enemy must have some sort of cloaking device.
Skipper: [Removes lenscap from binoculars] How about now?

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Gator Watch/In the Line of Doody (#2.2)" (2010)
Skipper: Kowalski, can you open this door?
Kowalski: A simple pin tumbler lock. Now you're just lobbing slowballs. Why don't you just ask me if I can build a self-replicating nanobot? Because I can. Obviously.

Private: They've captured Roger!
Kowalski: He's off to the greybar hotel.
Private: They're putting him in a hotel? That sounds nice. Maybe they'll give him a nice room, with a mint on his pillow.
Skipper: [Pats Private on the head] We're canceling Roger's reservation.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Operation: Plush and Cover (#1.2)" (2009)
Skipper: [Popping sounds are coming from a crate] Evasive action. We have enemy movement.
Private: Skipper, we're taking fire!
Skipper: We're also giving some. Right, Rico?
[Rico spits out a flame thrower and aims it at crate]
Skipper: Steady, boys. Get ready to toast this marshmallow!
[Crate opens to reveal Julien with a popcorn container]
King Julien: Ha ha! Popcorn anyone? It's fresh.
Private: Julien?
Kowalski: How did he get here?
King Julien: I mailed myself super platinum premier overnight express. This is how a king is to be rolling.

[the penguins are inside a box mailed to the plush factory]
Skipper: Kowalski, report.
Kowalski: It's dark.
Skipper: I concur. Rico, weapons check.
[Sound of Rico regurgitating several items]
Skipper: Outstanding! Private, sound off.
Private: Uh... Are we there yet?
Skipper: Not yet, Private. Wait for it... Wait for it... Aaaand... Move out, now!
[They storm out; they are still at the mailbox]
Skipper: Right. Back in the box.

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (2012)
Skipper: I say we let it ride, then we pick up the hippies and fly back in style.
Kowalski: Can we get an Airbus A380?
Skipper: Solid gold, baby!
Kowalski: Skipper, I'm afraid a solid gold plane would be too heavy to fly.
Skipper: Kowalski, we'll be rich. The rules of physics don't apply to us.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Cute-astrophe (#2.24)" (2011)
[Kowalski's Adorablizer overloaded, which causes Private to perform an innocent-looking pose, which resulted in knocking everyone back]
Private: [concerned] Skipper, what happened?
Skipper: [winded] Kowalski, talk to me.
Kowalski: [surprised] It appears that Private has discovered some sort of Quantum Hyper Cute! 132% adorability!
Rico: Wow!
Private: Is that even possible?
Kowalski: Scientifically, no.
Skipper: [proudly] Way to stick it to science, Private. Now let's go cute us up some fish!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Wishful Thinking/April Fools (#2.11)" (2010)
Skipper: [the penguins have been captured] Well, men, all I can say is... you had to use the turbo, didn't you?
Kowalski: You know I can't resist overkill!

Merry Madagascar (2009) (TV)
Skipper: It's a Cold War that dates back centuries. You see, Santa used to be based in the South Pole.
Lead Reindeer: Oh, this again? Santa chose North Pole fair and square.
Kowalski: Oh, please. They bribed him with candy canes and cheap Elf labor.
Lead Reindeer: That's it! Let's go!

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Kaboom and Kabust/The Helmet (#2.9)" (2010)
Kowalski: He's turned the helmet's power capacitor up to ten. I kept it at a cool five, good enough for my own highly developed intelect. But ten is too powerful for Julien's simple mind.
Private: What does that mean?
Kowalski: It just means that Julien's chaotic thoughts will destroy us all.
Skipper: Kowalski, have you ever invented anything that hasn't eventually threatened to destroy us all?
Kowalski: Let me think, um... no.

"The Penguins of Madagascar: Two Feet High and Rising (#1.7)" (2009)
Skipper: Well, that's five minutes of our lives we're not getting back.
Kowalski: Until I get my time machine fully functioning.