Tony Blair
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Quotes for
Tony Blair (Character)
from The Queen (2006)

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The Queen (2006)
Tony Blair: Will someone please save these people from themselves!

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Prime Minister.
Tony Blair: Good morning, Majesty. Sorry to disturb, but I was just wondering whether you'd seen any of today's papers?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: We've managed to look at one or two, yes.
Tony Blair: In which case my... next question would be whether you felt some kind of response...
[Queen Elizabeth puts Blair on speakerphone]
Tony Blair: ...might be necessary?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: No. I believe a few over-eager editors are doing their best to sell newspapers. It would be a mistake to dance to their tune.
Tony Blair: Under normal circumstances I would agree. But... well, my advisors... have been taking the temperature among people on the streets... and, well, the information I'm getting is that the mood is quite delicate.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: So, what would you suggest, Prime Minister - some kind of a statement?
Tony Blair: No, ma'am. I believe the moment for statements has passed. I would suggest flying the flag at half-mast above Buckingham Palace... and... coming down to London at the earliest opportunity. It would be a great comfort to your people... and would help them with their grief.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [Picks up the receiver] THEIR grief? If you imagine I'm going to drop everything and come down to London before I attend to my grandchildren who've just lost their mother... then you're mistaken. I doubt there is anyone who knows the British people more than I do, Mr. Blair, nor who has greater faith in their wisdom and judgement. And it is my belief that they will any moment reject this... this "mood", which is being stirred up by the press, in favor of a period of restrained grief, and sober, private mourning. That's the way we do things in this country, quietly, with dignity. That's what the rest of the world has always admired us for.
Tony Blair: If that's your decision, ma'am, of course the government will support it. Let's keep in touch.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [Curtly] Yes. Let's.
[the Queen slams down the phone]

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Have we shown you how to start a nuclear war yet?
Tony Blair: Er no.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: First thing we do apparently, then we take away your passport and spend the rest of our time sending you around the world.
Tony Blair: You obviously know my job better than I do
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes well, you are my tenth Prime Minister Mr Blair. My first of course was Winston Churchill, he sat in your chair in a frock coat and top hat. And he was kind enough to give a shy young girl like me quite an education.
Tony Blair: I would imagine.

Cherie Blair: [impersonating the Queen] Thank you so much for coming, now fuck off!
Tony Blair: I know, what was all that about?
Cherie Blair: God knows, Diana, whatever it is it'll be something to do with Diana.

Alastair Campbell: You going to speak to the Queen?
Tony Blair: Yep.
Alastair Campbell: Ask her if SHE greased the brakes.
Tony Blair: Now, now.

Alastair Campbell: They, er, sent a copy of the Queen's speech. Might want to scrape the frost off it first... Oh, I phoned them with a couple of suggestions, to make it sound like it came from a human being.
Tony Blair: Yeah, all right, Alastair.
Alastair Campbell: Well, at least the old bat's finally agreed to visit Diana's coffin.
Tony Blair: You know, when you get it wrong, you really get it wrong! That woman has given her whole life in service to her people. Fifty years doing a job SHE never wanted! A job she watched kill her father. She's executed it with honor, dignity, and, as far as I can tell, without a single blemish, and now we're all baying for her blood! All because she's struggling to lead the world in mourning for someone who... who threw everything she offered back in her face. And who, for the last few years, seemed committed 24/7 to destroying everything she holds most dear!

[last lines]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: So tell me, Mr. Blair, what might we expect from your first parliament?
Tony Blair: Well, ma'am, top of the list is education reform. We want to radically reduce classroom sizes.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, yes. Yes, we must.
Tony Blair: Create a much lower teacher-pupil ratio.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes, it will be difficult to achieve...
[trailing off, inaudible]

[Cherie has just offered a 'shallow' curtsy. The Queen looks at her and smiles]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Mrs Blair, lovely to see you, and congratulations.
[the Queen shakes Cherie's hand]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: You must be very proud, and exhausted I imagine. Where will you be spending the summer?
Cherie Blair: Erm, France.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, lovely.
Tony Blair: You'll be in Balmoral?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes, yes, I can't wait. It's such a wonderful place. My great great grandmother Victoria once said 'Balmoral always seems to breath peace and make one forget the world and its sad turmoils'.
Robin Janvrin: [comes into room] Your Majesty?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, excuse me.
[Robin whispers something inaudible into the Queen's ear]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [to Tony and Cherie] I'm so sorry, we're going to have to leave it there.
[she shakes both their hands and they exit without showing their backs]
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [to Robin] It wasn't too short was it? Fifteen minutes, one doesn't want to be rude.
Robin Janvrin: No ma'am.

HM Queen Elizabeth II: Oh, really? You don't think that what affection people once had for m... for this 'institution' has been diminished?
Tony Blair: No, not at all. You are more respected now than ever.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: I gather some of your closest advisors were less fulsome in their support.
Tony Blair: One or two... But as a leader, I could never have added my voice to that chorus.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Because you saw all those headlines and you thought: 'One day that might happen to me'...
Tony Blair: Oh... er...
HM Queen Elizabeth II: ...and it will, Mr. Blair. Quite suddenly and without warning... So, shall we get on with the business in hand?

Tony Blair: [after getting off the phone with Lord Airlie] Precedent? Where do they find these people?

Cherie Blair: I don't know why I'm surprised. At the end of the day, all Labour Prime Ministers go gaga for the Queen.
Tony Blair: [staring intently at the TV screen where the Queen is giving her speech] Hmm?


The Trial of Tony Blair (2007) (TV)
Tony Blair: You've learned nothing from me, Gordon - absolutely nothing. Because if you had, you would have acquired at least a *hint* of charisma. But then you and charisma have never really been on speaking terms.
Gordon Brown: The public don't want charisma any more - what they want is honesty.
Tony Blair: Instead of which, they get you!

[Tony Blair is reading a newspaper report]
Tony Blair: Oh my God. George is back in rehab.
Cherie Blair: George?
Tony Blair: Bush. George Bush. Oh God, he was found comatose on his ranch.
Cherie Blair: [drily] I'm surprised anyone noticed.
Tony Blair: He's my friend. All right? George is my friend. We went through hell together.
Cherie Blair: Oh, I thought you sent other people to do that.

[Now led by Gordon Brown, Labour have just won a fourth term in office - but with an absurdly small majority. Gordon rings Tony.]
Tony Blair: Gordon, my congratulations.
Gordon Brown: I am heading for a majority of two, for God's sake. Two!
Tony Blair: Well a majority's a majority.
Gordon Brown: It's going to be a bloody disaster.
Tony Blair: It's the historic fourth term, Gordon.
Gordon Brown: You are electoral death!
Tony Blair: I don't think you can blame *me* for what you call your ludicrously small majority.
Gordon Brown: You've held onto power for far too long, Tony.
Tony Blair: Oh really? Well quite frankly if I'd packed it in sooner you'd only have had more time to balls it up, wouldn't you?

[Tony is meeting the publisher of his memoirs who is very critical of the book and recommends a lot of changes to it.]
Publisher: I think the chapters on the Iraq War could be trimmed - the book would benefit and sales would benefit.
Tony Blair: You will not cut a word of those chapters. I did not take this country to war in order to be popular.
Publisher: [drily] Well you certainly succeeded there.
Tony Blair: [pauses for thought] I took this country to war because it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing for Britain and one day history will judge me. And it'll be the liberal journalists, the sneering intellectuals, the appeasers, the bloodless, spineless chattering classes of which you are obviously a member, those will be the ones found wanting, those'll be the ones in the dock of history, not me. Because if I'd listened to all the *moral* cowards, like you, then that murdering bastard Saddam Hussain would still be in power. So cut one word from those memoirs and, so help me, I'll take it away from you.
Publisher: Then you won't mind if it's so laughable and ridiculous and poorly-written that no-one wants to read it.

Cherie Blair: Here's that RCI information I was telling you about.
Tony Blair: RCI?
Cherie Blair: Rite of Christian Initiation.
Tony Blair: But I *am* Christian!
Cherie Blair: No, you're Church of England.

[Discussing Blair's autobiography]
Publisher: You 'feel the hand of God on your shoulder' no less than 29 times!
Tony Blair: Oh yes...
[He laughs]
Tony Blair: ...it was a bit more than that, actually.


The Tony Blair Witch Project (2000) (V)
Nigel Thornberry: This gun is for shooting ghosts.
Tony Blair: ...And Witches?
Nigel Thornberry: Well ghosts need the most shooting... because they're dangerous.

Calan Fairbrain: [to Silly American] Good job, pull up those pants.
Tony Blair: Yes, it is difficult to scout without pants on.
Nigel Thornberry: On the contrary; I often scout all the time butt-ass naked!

Tony Blair: What am I even doing here in the first place? What would I hope to gain by finding a witch?


"2DTV" (2001)
[it is far into the future]
Tony Blair: Uh, so guys, any signs of the weapons of mass destruction yet?
[awkward pause]

[Tony Blair is playing "Tony Says" with the Cabinet]
Tony Blair: Oh, I'm bored of this game. I'm resigning, take over Gordon!
Gordon Brown: Oh, right, absolutely!
[to Cabinet]
Gordon Brown: Look here...
Tony Blair: I didn't say "Tony says" Gordon.
Gordon Brown: Oh...
[cries]

Tony Blair: [sounding like John Major] More Sleaze, people will start thinking we're the same as the last Goverment!
David Blunkett: [sounding like Michael Portillo] That is a ridiculous, outrageous, apprehensive suggestion!
John Prescott: [sounding like Ken Clarke] That's absolutely ludicrous!
David Blunkett's Guide Dog: [souding like Humphrey The Cat] Meeoww!
Jack Straw: [sounding like Douglas Hurd] Were completely Different!
Tony Blair: [sounding like John Major] We need to get back to basic, I want to set up a Sleaze hotline!
Gordon Brown: [sounding like Edwina Currie] Oh No! What we need is a change of leadership!
David Blunkett's Guide Dog: Hisss
[Everybody looks shocked]


Confessions of a Diary Secretary (2007) (TV)
[John Prescott has invited Tony Blair and Gordon Brown to his flat for a dinner party]
John Prescott: What's the matter, Gordon?
Gordon Brown: Sorry. Would you mind. Could I get another chair.
John Prescott: What's wrong with it?
Gordon Brown: It's too low.
John Prescott: Right, try this one, Gordon.
John Prescott: Tony, are you too high or too low?
Tony Blair: Gordon's always looked down on me - I wouldn't want to change that!

[At John Prescott's dinner party, Gordon Brown has been relentlessly pressing Tony Blair all evening to name the date when he will resign as Prime Minister. They are now at Prescott's front door, about to go home]
Tony Blair: Gordon, why don't you take the first lift. I'll be five minutes.
Gordon Brown: How can I be sure you'll go when you say you will?
Tony Blair: You know something, Gordon, these jokes are just tiring after a while.


"Dead Ringers: Episode #7.6" (2007)
Tony Blair: [after regenerating into David Tennant] New Labour. That's weird.


A Very Social Secretary (2005) (TV)
[the tabloid newspapers are full of a story about Tony and Cherie Blair being involved in a "Mayan Rebirthing" while on a recent holiday to Mexico]
David Blunkett: What exactly *is* a Mayan Rebirthing?
Tony Blair: [embarrassed] It was Cherie's idea. You take off all your clothes and smear each other with fruit and mud.
David Blunkett: Bloody hell! It'll never catch on in Sheffield.