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: I think you're going to find this gentleman very interesting, did you know that his father actually knew Jesse James? Bobby Brady
: He did? Wow am I glad to meet you! Jethroe Collins
: I hear Jesse's a hero of yours. Bobby Brady
: I wrote a whole composition about him for school. Jethroe Collins
: I wrote a whole book about Jesse James, only he wasn't a hero to me. Bobby Brady
: He wasn't? Jethroe Collins
: Nope, Jesse James killed my father.
: Jesse James killed my father. Bobby Brady
: He did? Jethroe Collins
: Shot him in the back, that's how he usually shot them, too cowardly to face them I guess. Bobby Brady
: I can't believe that, Mr. Collins. Carol Brady
: He's telling the truth, Bobby.
: Son, you know the legends, I know the facts. Mike Brady
: Mr. Collins, why don't you tell Bob about how it was with your father? Jethroe Collins
: Well, I was just a little boy at the time. My father was riding a train to California, Jesse James held it up. Bobby Brady
: Did they have a shootout? Jethroe Collins
: Well, wasn't much of a shootout, my father had his face to the wall, his hands in the air, and he wasn't wearing a gun. Bobby Brady
: Then why'd Jesse shoot him? Jethroe Collins
: Because that's the kind of man that Jesse James was, a mean dirty killer. My mother used to cry about it in her sleep. When I was old enough to understand, I used to have nightmares about it myself. Awful nightmares, about that train robbery.
: You're supposed to be on the train. Cindy Brady
: No I'm not, now I'm the posse hunting you down.
: [chasing Bobby into the kitchen where Alice is mopping
] Jesse James, you're under arrest! Bobby Brady
: No way, you can't arrest me here. Cindy Brady
: Why not? Bobby Brady
: I just crossed the Rio Grande River, THIS is Mexico. Alice Nelson
: Well vamoose you caballeros, because all of Mexico is going to get mopped up.
: We really think we have a terrific show for you tonight! Marcia Brady
: It's loaded with music, dancing and lots of comedy. Bobby Brady
: Stay tuned, folks. The comedy starts right after this monologue.
: Hey, let's sing! Bobby Brady
: Now THAT'S funny!
: That's Peter's idea of funny stuff, he sings with a puppet. Next week he wants to dance with a roll of paper towels.
: Compared to us, Donny and Marie are Cheech and Chong!
: Mr. Berle, we need your help. You see, we're about as funny as the Waltons. Milton Berle
: No, you're not.
: Excuse me, officers, but I hate to ask a law enforcement official to bend the rules, especially for Penal Code 117, Section 33b, but our house is at stake.
: [suggesting a way to raise money
] I've got it! We could enter that Search For The Stars contest! First prize is twenty thousand dollars! Greg Brady
: That's a great idea, Marcia! Bobby Brady
: Great idea, Marcia! Jan Brady
: Am I invisible? Do I not have a voice? I had that idea two days ago! Peter Brady
] Oh come on, Jan.
: If Mom and Dad have to sell the house, we'll have to move. Bobby Brady
: Go to a new school. Jan Brady
: Make new friends. Marcia Brady
: But Jan, you don't have any friends.
: Boy, you sure have some strong thigh muscles Mrs. Whitfield.
: And that's why I called this meeting. Marcia Brady
: Greg, what are we going to do? Peter Brady
: Yeah, if we don't raise $20,000 in one week, we'll have to move. Bobby Brady
: And go to a new school. Jan Brady
: And make new friends. Marcia Brady
: But Jan, you don't have any friends.
: Hey Pete, remember the night you ran into the bathroom door and they had to tape four stitches in your nose? Peter Brady
: Yeah, and the dent's still in the door. Greg Brady
: And the time Bobby tried to climb up the television lead-in. Bobby Brady
: Yeah, and the antenna came down and hit me right on the head. Peter Brady
: You had a bump on your head for 3 weeks. Greg Brady
: What about the time I fell off the garage roof? Peter Brady
: Right through the top of Dad's new convertible. Greg Brady
: I busted 3 ribs and the gearshift handle. Peter Brady
: Oh boy. Greg Brady
: Yeah, we've had some good times in this house.
: That terrible noise woke us up! Bobby Brady
: What do you suppose it was? Alice Nelson
: [a loud creaking sounds
] Or is? Carol Brady
: Well sometimes a loose board will make a house creak. Cindy Brady
: You sound just like Daddy.
, Bobby Brady
: [all hear a loud slamming noise
] What was that? Carol Brady
: [taken aback
] Ub, hey, wa, it's probably the wind, uh, banging against the shutters. Alice Nelson
: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady, if there *was* a wind, and we had shutters.
: I'm feelin' a little cooped up. Why don't we go to the mall? Peter Brady
: Mall? What's a mall? Ross Harper
: You know, it's a place with all these stores, great lookin' girls. Bobby Brady
: Girls! I'd rather kiss a basketball or a catcher's mitt than any dumb old girl!
: What do ya say we get on our bikes and we go somewhere? Peter Brady
: Don't be a turnip-brain, Chuck! We never ride our bikes! Bobby Brady
: We just fix 'em!
: You got an F? Ross Harper
: Are you mad? Carol Brady
: Of course not! Marcia Brady
: We've all gotten bad grades before. Ross Harper
: You have? Bobby Brady
: Why do you think we're all still living at home?
: How would you like to eat your teeth? Bobby Brady
: How would you like to sit on a frog? Carol Brady
: My babies, they're so close.
[a "Now Serving #27" sign descends from the ceiling
] Carol Brady
: With eight Bradys, this is the only fair way to decide who eats first, who talks first or who gets the bathroom. Jan Brady
: Mother, how could you? Now everybody knows! Bobby Brady
: My sister Jan doesn't want anyone to know we even have a bathroom. Greg Brady
: You know, actually in our old house, we didn't.
: How come girls do dumb things and they don't even know it's dumb? Peter Brady
: 'Cause they're dumb!
: Thanks, Cindy. If you weren't a girl, I'd kiss you!
: Jan's allergic to Tiger... and I'm afraid, boys, that they cannot live together in the same house. Peter Brady
: Aw Dad. Greg Brady
: That's terrible. Bobby Brady
: Where's Jan gonna live?
: Geez, I can't wait to get started. Grand Canyon! Wow! Mike Brady
: Well, it's not just the canyon, Bob. Now we can learn all about the Indian tribes that live there like the Havasupai, the Hopi, the Hualapai, the Navajo. Peter Brady
: How'd they get such strange names? Mike Brady
: Well, each name means something, Pete. Like Havasupai, for instance, means "Great People of Blue-Green Running Water." Bobby Brady
: How about my name, Dad? Does Bobby mean anything? Peter Brady
: Yeah. It means little man with great, big running mouth!
: [after Alice destroys the bust of Mike's head because the kids scared her
] Like I said, fun is fun, but if you're not careful, someone can get hurt. Bobby Brady
: We never thought it would be dad's head.
: Hey, Cindy, you want to play in the tipi? Cindy Brady
: Don't be silly. Bobby Brady
: What's silly about it? Cindy Brady
: I might get dirty. Bobby Brady
: So what? Cindy Brady
: Television stars don't play in tipis and they don't get dirty. Bobby Brady
: Who's a television star? Cindy Brady
: I am. That's who.
: Aren't we making a movie? Carol Brady
: I think we better get this television show on first. Bobby Brady
: Really! If we don't hurry up, people are gonna turn us off and go to the movies!
: How old are you? Bobby Brady
: Eleven. Greg Brady
: It's amazing. Bobby Brady
: What is? Greg Brady
: How anyone could get so stupid in such a short time!
: Mom's favorite vase! Bobby Brady
: She always said, don't play ball in the house!
[all the Brady kids and Alice are tied together by a staircase from Roy Martin, who left and kidnapped mom, they all think in their heads
] Bobby Brady
: If I had been a better detective, I would've been on Mr. Martin sooner. This is all my fault. Cindy Brady
: If I wasn't too busy looking for my doll, I would've seen something suspicious. This is all my fault. Kitty Carry-all
: I bet he wouldn't have tied me up if I was Barbie. This is all my fault. Peter Brady
: What a dumb-head I am. I guess Roy was not much of a hero after all. This is all my fault. Alice
: I must've not put enough mushrooms in his spaghetti sauce. This is all my fault. Greg Brady
: Marcia looks great in those ropes... Wait a minute, what am I saying? This is all my fault! Jan Brady
: It was wrong to make up George Glass. This is all my fault! Marcia
: This is all Jan's fault.
] Oh, the peace and quiet of home.
[Greg and Marcia begin to argue heatedly in the background
] Bobby Brady
: That doesn't sound very quiet. Cindy Brady
: And not very peace.
: Buddy could stand a good licking. Might stop him from being such a bully. Bobby Brady
: Are you sure you can lick him? Peter Brady
: Are you kiddin'? Bobby Brady
: Well, last time he gave you a black eye. Peter Brady
: That was just a lucky punch. Greg Brady
: How many punches did he throw? Peter Brady
: One. Bobby Brady
: Boy, how lucky can you get?