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: Hey there, groovy chicks. You're all hip in far out ways.
: Get out! This is a car jack! Greg Brady
: [rolls down the window
] Well, of course this is a car. But my name's not Jack. It's Greg.
: [suggesting a way to raise money
] I've got it! We could enter that Search For The Stars contest! First prize is twenty thousand dollars! Greg Brady
: That's a great idea, Marcia! Bobby Brady
: Great idea, Marcia! Jan Brady
: Am I invisible? Do I not have a voice? I had that idea two days ago! Peter Brady
] Oh come on, Jan.
[Mrs. Dittmeyer tucks mail into Greg's pants
] Mrs. Dena Dittmeyer
: My, you've gotten so big. You're almost as big as your daddy. Greg Brady
: And I'm still growing. Mrs. Dena Dittmeyer
: Right before my very eyes.
: And that's why I called this meeting. Marcia Brady
: Greg, what are we going to do? Peter Brady
: Yeah, if we don't raise $20,000 in one week, we'll have to move. Bobby Brady
: And go to a new school. Jan Brady
: And make new friends. Marcia Brady
: But Jan, you don't have any friends.
: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! How come she gets blown up, and I don't?
[Mike throws a grenade at her
: No, we wouldn't go to Hell, because she's not really our sister. Peter Brady
: So, these feelings are natural?
: Damn you, tiki idol!
[a "Now Serving #27" sign descends from the ceiling
] Carol Brady
: With eight Bradys, this is the only fair way to decide who eats first, who talks first or who gets the bathroom. Jan Brady
: Mother, how could you? Now everybody knows! Bobby Brady
: My sister Jan doesn't want anyone to know we even have a bathroom. Greg Brady
: You know, actually in our old house, we didn't.
: Music is my life.
: Hey Pete, remember the night you ran into the bathroom door and they had to tape four stitches in your nose? Peter Brady
: Yeah, and the dent's still in the door. Greg Brady
: And the time Bobby tried to climb up the television lead-in. Bobby Brady
: Yeah, and the antenna came down and hit me right on the head. Peter Brady
: You had a bump on your head for 3 weeks. Greg Brady
: What about the time I fell off the garage roof? Peter Brady
: Right through the top of Dad's new convertible. Greg Brady
: I busted 3 ribs and the gearshift handle. Peter Brady
: Oh boy. Greg Brady
: Yeah, we've had some good times in this house.
: Is that McIntyre banshee on the loose again? Peter Brady
: There's something out here, Mom. Alice Nelson
: 3 very definite crashes. Greg Brady
: I'll say there were. Marcia Brady
: Greg was helping me with that flat tire on my bike when we heard them. Carol Brady
: Maybe Tiger's wrestling with those garbage cans again. Greg Brady
: Oh it can't be, Tiger's sleeping in the house tonight. Carol Brady
: In the house? Why? Marcia Brady
: He was getting spooked by all those funny noises. Alice Nelson
: Just like everyone else around here. Peter Brady
: After all, he's only human
[another crash sounds
] Peter Brady
, Alice Nelson
: Four! Carol Brady
: I think we better take another look around. Alice Nelson
: All of us? Carol Brady
: There's safety in numbers, Alice, come on.
: I said all along it was a sucker's bet. Greg Brady
: You said they
] Greg Brady
: were the sucker. Alice Nelson
: Anybody who believes in a ghost is a sucker.
: [trying to think of something that'll scare Alice
] What about vampires? Alice Nelson
: Oh vampires are a pain in the neck.
] Alice Nelson
: That's pretty good. Marcia Brady
: What about werewolves? Alice Nelson
: All bark and no bite.
: Wait a minute. She said I should come alone. I guess she figures, 'cuz I'm the oldest, I must be the leader.
: [after quitting his Johnny Bravo persona, to his parents
] They didn't want me. They wanted a robot.
: [brushing her hair and counting
] One, two, three, four.
[noticing Greg undressing through the curtain
: Four, four, four. Greg Brady
: Marcia? Marcia
] Yes, Greg?
: I mean, what? Greg Brady
: If Roy really is Mom's husband, then does that mean. Marcia
: We're not brother and sister?
[all the Brady kids and Alice are tied together by a staircase from Roy Martin, who left and kidnapped mom, they all think in their heads
] Bobby Brady
: If I had been a better detective, I would've been on Mr. Martin sooner. This is all my fault. Cindy Brady
: If I wasn't too busy looking for my doll, I would've seen something suspicious. This is all my fault. Kitty Carry-all
: I bet he wouldn't have tied me up if I was Barbie. This is all my fault. Peter Brady
: What a dumb-head I am. I guess Roy was not much of a hero after all. This is all my fault. Alice
: I must've not put enough mushrooms in his spaghetti sauce. This is all my fault. Greg Brady
: Marcia looks great in those ropes... Wait a minute, what am I saying? This is all my fault! Jan Brady
: It was wrong to make up George Glass. This is all my fault! Marcia
: This is all Jan's fault.
: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. Mike Brady
: Greg were you smoking cigarettes? Greg Brady
: No dad. Mike Brady
: Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done. Jan Brady
: That will teach him. Mike Brady
: And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Lois Griffin
: Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong. Peter Griffin
: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood. Brian Griffin
: The Bradys? Peter Griffin
: Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it. Black Woman
: [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes
] You folks want some pancakes? Peter Griffin
: No, thank you.
[to his family
] Peter Griffin
: See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
: Jan's allergic to Tiger... and I'm afraid, boys, that they cannot live together in the same house. Peter Brady
: Aw Dad. Greg Brady
: That's terrible. Bobby Brady
: Where's Jan gonna live?
: How old are you? Bobby Brady
: Eleven. Greg Brady
: It's amazing. Bobby Brady
: What is? Greg Brady
: How anyone could get so stupid in such a short time!
: What has six eyes, sex appeal, smokes a cigar and wears a toupee? Everyone
: What? Greg Brady
: Tonight's three guests.
: [misses shot in game of pool
] Aww! This cue stick must be crooked! Greg Brady
: You're game's not improving but your alibis are.
: Mom's favorite vase! Bobby Brady
: She always said, don't play ball in the house!
: Dad? Mom? Can we see you for a minute? Carol Brady
: What's up? Marcia Brady
: Well, we've all talked it over and... Greg Brady
: ...all of us except Bobby. Marcia Brady
: Yeah, except Bobby. And we think you should know. Mike Brady
: Know what? Greg Brady
: Well, Bobby has been a real stinker. Carol Brady
: Greg, you know I don't like that word.
: I knew something like this was going to happen, Bobby! Greg Brady
: Well, why didn't you tell ME?
: Buddy could stand a good licking. Might stop him from being such a bully. Bobby Brady
: Are you sure you can lick him? Peter Brady
: Are you kiddin'? Bobby Brady
: Well, last time he gave you a black eye. Peter Brady
: That was just a lucky punch. Greg Brady
: How many punches did he throw? Peter Brady
: One. Bobby Brady
: Boy, how lucky can you get?
: [catches himself beginning to go overboard again about baseball, and comes back to reality
] Why didn't you stop me, Dad? Mike Brady
] Because I think you just proved you're smart enough to stop yourself.