Alice Nelson
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Quotes for
Alice Nelson (Character)
from "The Brady Bunch" (1969)

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"The Brady Bunch: To Move or Not to Move (#1.23)" (1970)
Carol Brady: Well Alice, the kids do need more bedrooms, and you know we need another bathroom.
Alice Nelson: Well the old McIntyre house up on the hill has lots of rooms. It's old but it can be fixed up, it's been for sale for years.
Carol Brady: I wonder why they haven't been able to sell that house?
Alice Nelson: The same reason the McIntyres moved out, it's haunted.
Carol Brady: Haunted? Oh Alice.
Alice Nelson: I knew the cook, said a lot of weird things were going on up there: voices in the night, chains rattling, lights going on and off.
Carol Brady: Now Alice, you don't believe that.
Alice Nelson: The cook did, left the McIntyres flat.
Carol Brady: And you know as well as I do there's no such things as ghosts.
Alice Nelson: Maybe not, but they were never able to explain those voices.

Carol Brady: [both hear an unearthly moaning] WHAT was that?
Alice Nelson: It sounded like a cow died in the driveway.
[the moan sounds again]
Alice Nelson: Oh no, now it sounds human, like somebody in agony.
Carol Brady: Alice, that DOESN'T sound human.
Alice Nelson: Oh no... inhuman?

Cindy Brady: That terrible noise woke us up!
Bobby Brady: What do you suppose it was?
Alice Nelson: [a loud creaking sounds] Or is?
Carol Brady: Well sometimes a loose board will make a house creak.
Cindy Brady: You sound just like Daddy.

Carol Brady: Mike, there has to be an explanation for all these strange sounds.
Mike Brady: I haven't heard any strange sounds.
Carol Brady: Yeah that's right, you got in after they stopped.
Alice Nelson: Well there is an explanation alright, the ghosts in the McIntyre house got tired of living alone and moved in where there's more action.
Mike Brady: Oh Alice, even if you're joking, that's absurd.
Alice Nelson: Well if I'm not joking, it's not absurd. You should've heard those kids this morning before they left for school, they were as scared as I was.

Alice Nelson: Uh oh.
Mike Brady, Carol Brady: Now what?
Alice Nelson: The light in the oven is blinking something in Morse code: I'll bet the word is trouble.
Mike Brady: I'll bet the word's defective switch. I'll check it out later.
Alice Nelson: Why not sooner? There's something about an oven winking at me that gives me the creeps.

Carol Brady: Is that McIntyre banshee on the loose again?
Peter Brady: There's something out here, Mom.
Alice Nelson: 3 very definite crashes.
Greg Brady: I'll say there were.
Marcia Brady: Greg was helping me with that flat tire on my bike when we heard them.
Carol Brady: Maybe Tiger's wrestling with those garbage cans again.
Greg Brady: Oh it can't be, Tiger's sleeping in the house tonight.
Carol Brady: In the house? Why?
Marcia Brady: He was getting spooked by all those funny noises.
Alice Nelson: Just like everyone else around here.
Peter Brady: After all, he's only human
[another crash sounds]
Peter Brady, Alice Nelson: Four!
Carol Brady: I think we better take another look around.
Alice Nelson: All of us?
Carol Brady: There's safety in numbers, Alice, come on.

Cindy Brady, Bobby Brady: [all hear a loud slamming noise] What was that?
Carol Brady: [taken aback] Ub, hey, wa, it's probably the wind, uh, banging against the shutters.
Alice Nelson: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady, if there *was* a wind, and we had shutters.

Alice Nelson: Well, this whole thing kind of depresses me, Mrs. Brady. I got my routine all worked out here. I don't know if I'll be able to function some place else.
Carol Brady: But, Alice you will function, won't you? I mean, just because we're moving, you're not going to leave.
Alice Nelson: Me? Leave the Brady family? You couldn't get rid of me if you tried. I'm a hundred-and-twenty-pound boomerang.
Carol Brady: A hundred and TWENTY pounds?
Alice Nelson: Mmmm, more or less.

A Very Brady Sequel (1996)
Alice: That Sam is so thoughtful. He promised to slip me a special tube steak.

[stepping out of the refrigerator]
Alice: How about that! The light really does go off when you close the door!

Alice: Oh, just the ones in your room. And, they sure look mighty tasty, too!
[Walks out]
Roy Martin: [laughing] The ones from my room.
[Stops laughing]
Roy Martin: My room? The one's from my. Oh no!
Carol Brady: Roy, are you all right?
[the song "Good Morning Starshine" begins, and the flowers on Carol's dress animate and float around her face]
Carol Brady: Roy, are you all right?
Roy Martin: Oh God! I'm tripping with the Bradys!

[all the Brady kids and Alice are tied together by a staircase from Roy Martin, who left and kidnapped mom, they all think in their heads]
Bobby Brady: If I had been a better detective, I would've been on Mr. Martin sooner. This is all my fault.
Cindy Brady: If I wasn't too busy looking for my doll, I would've seen something suspicious. This is all my fault.
Kitty Carry-all: I bet he wouldn't have tied me up if I was Barbie. This is all my fault.
Peter Brady: What a dumb-head I am. I guess Roy was not much of a hero after all. This is all my fault.
Alice: I must've not put enough mushrooms in his spaghetti sauce. This is all my fault.
Greg Brady: Marcia looks great in those ropes... Wait a minute, what am I saying? This is all my fault!
Jan Brady: It was wrong to make up George Glass. This is all my fault!
Marcia: This is all Jan's fault.

"The Brady Bunch: Fright Night (#4.6)" (1972)
Alice Nelson: Maybe I left one of my nightgowns out on the line, that'd scare anybody.

Alice Nelson: I said all along it was a sucker's bet.
Greg Brady: You said they
[the girls]
Greg Brady: were the sucker.
Alice Nelson: Anybody who believes in a ghost is a sucker.

Greg Brady: [trying to think of something that'll scare Alice] What about vampires?
Alice Nelson: Oh vampires are a pain in the neck.
Alice Nelson: That's pretty good.
Marcia Brady: What about werewolves?
Alice Nelson: All bark and no bite.
[laughs again]

The Brady Bunch Movie (1995)
Sam: Wait a minute, I've got something for you.
Alice: [rolls her eyes] Unless it fits on my fingers, I gotta hit the hay.
Sam: It better fit, or I'm gonna have to take it back.
Alice: [gets excited, closes her eyes and sticks out her hand] Sam, I thought this day would never come!
Sam: [Gives Alice a bowling ball] When I saw it, I thought it was right up your alley.
Alice: I'm bowled over.

Carol Brady: Why don't you help Alice bake some cookies?
Cindy Brady: Okay Mommy
[talking to Alice]
Cindy Brady: Can my doll help too?
Alice: As long as it's not Betsy Wetsy. She makes my cookies soggy woggy.

Marcia Brady: [in Jan's thought] But Jan, you don't have friends. You're just jealous Jan.
[Jan wakes up, holds a pair of scissors like a knife, and starts to cut Marcia's hair]
Cindy Brady: Jan, what are you doing?
Jan Brady: Go back to sleep Cindy!
Cindy Brady: Jan don't. Marcia's hair is so beautiful.
Jan Brady: Exactly. That's why I'm gonna make alot of money when I sell it.
[Jan continues to cut Marcia's hair]
Jan Brady: [laughs psychotically]
Cindy Brady: [Screams]
[Carol and Alice come into the room]
Carol Brady: Jan, what are you doing?
[Marcia's got a new hairdo]
Carol Brady: Oh Marcia, I love your hair!
Alice: What a groovy hairdo!
Cindy Brady: Oh, you're so beautiful!
Jan Brady: No! She was supposed to look bad! No! No!
[Jan wakes up]
Jan Brady: What a horrible dream.

"The Brady Bunch: Bobby's Hero (#4.17)" (1973)
Alice Nelson: Salt, pepper...
[reaches in cookie jar]
Alice Nelson: cookies... cookies?
[takes empty cookie box out of cupboard]
Alice Nelson: Cookies! Salt, pepper, cookies, cookies, cookies!
[writes down grocery list]
Carol Brady: Alice, Mr. Brady and I have to go see the principal.
Mike Brady: And we won't be gone long.
Alice Nelson: Okay, Mr. Brady.
Alice Nelson: Principal? Which principal? Elementary school, junior high, senior high? I wonder which kid has done what to who and where?

Cindy Brady: [chasing Bobby into the kitchen where Alice is mopping] Jesse James, you're under arrest!
Bobby Brady: No way, you can't arrest me here.
Cindy Brady: Why not?
Bobby Brady: I just crossed the Rio Grande River, THIS is Mexico.
Alice Nelson: Well vamoose you caballeros, because all of Mexico is going to get mopped up.

"The Brady Bunch: Katchoo (#1.5)" (1969)
Alice Nelson: [taking Tiger out of Jan's room] Come on, Kachoo King!

Alice Nelson: You know, we got Tiger before we got Bobby.
Carol Brady: Why are you telling me this *now*?
Alice Nelson: Because I just thought of it now.
Carol Brady: Well. Think of something else.

"The Brady Bunch: Juliet Is the Sun (#3.7)" (1971)
Alice Nelson: Romeo and Juliet's such a sad play.
Carol Brady: Yeah.
Mike Brady: It's no musical comedy.
Carol Brady: Alice, which part did you think was the saddest?
Alice Nelson: Well, the part where Romeo dies is sad. But where Juliet died is sad too. But I think the saddest part of all is when Jan said "Who goes there" before Peter said "Hark".

"The Brady Bunch: A Clubhouse Is Not a Home (#1.6)" (1969)
Marcia Brady: Alice, are you a mind reader?
Alice Nelson: Housekeeper. Same thing.

"The Brady Bunch: The Liberation of Marcia Brady (#2.19)" (1971)
Cindy Brady: I still don't see why we all can't go.
Carol Brady: Honey, the initiation ceremony is just for the Frontier Scouts.
Jan Brady: But this is a big victory for us girls. From now on, we'll be treated the same as boys.
Alice Nelson: At your age, that's victory. At mine it's defeat.

"The Brady Bunch: You Can't Win 'Em All (#4.22)" (1973)
Alice Nelson: Hi, Cindy. You want to lick the bowl?
Cindy Brady: No, thanks. It's not lady-like.
Alice Nelson: Lady-like?
Cindy Brady: Yes. What are we having for dinner?
Alice Nelson: Swiss steak and spaghetti.
Cindy Brady: Not me.
Alice Nelson: Honey, those are two of your favorites!
Cindy Brady: Not anymore they're not. They are rich and fattening.
Alice Nelson: Well, sure, all that good stuff is.
Cindy Brady: Just fix me a small salad, please.
Alice Nelson: Hey, wait a second. Do you mind telling me why the special diet?
Cindy Brady: A star can't go on television, all fat and broken out.

"The Brady Bunch: Welcome Aboard (#5.17)" (1974)
Carol Brady: Okay, I demand to know what's going on around here!
Alice Nelson: Well, if you insist, Mrs. Brady, we know about the new family addition and we're all very happy about it.
Carol Brady: Oh, you've heard about Oliver!
Alice Nelson: Oliver? Won't that be kind of a funny name if it's a girl?
Carol Brady: Wait a minute! Ha! Is this family under the impression that I'm going to have a baby?
Alice Nelson: Aren't you under that impression?

"The Brady Bunch Variety Hour: Episode #1.2" (1977)
Carol Brady: Honey, can we have our picnic on the beach? I would somehow like to justify this incredible rent we're paying.
Mike Brady: Sure, honey.
Alice Nelson: Do you mind if I tag along? Maybe the tide's washed up a sailor.
Carol Brady: Sure, Alice. At least he'll be clean!

"Robot Chicken: Suck It (#2.1)" (2006)
Mike Brady: Hey, ask us the sex question.
Carol Brady: Now that the kids are gone, the sex has never been better.
Alice Nelson: I agree!

"The Brady Bunch: Hawaii Bound (#4.1)" (1972)
Cindy Brady: I'm sure glad Greg didn't get hurt. It would have ruined our picnic tomorrow!
Alice Nelson: Well, that's certainly looking on the bright side of things!