Carol Brady
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Quotes for
Carol Brady (Character)
from "The Brady Bunch" (1969)

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"The Brady Bunch: To Move or Not to Move (#1.23)" (1970)
Carol Brady: Well Alice, the kids do need more bedrooms, and you know we need another bathroom.
Alice Nelson: Well the old McIntyre house up on the hill has lots of rooms. It's old but it can be fixed up, it's been for sale for years.
Carol Brady: I wonder why they haven't been able to sell that house?
Alice Nelson: The same reason the McIntyres moved out, it's haunted.
Carol Brady: Haunted? Oh Alice.
Alice Nelson: I knew the cook, said a lot of weird things were going on up there: voices in the night, chains rattling, lights going on and off.
Carol Brady: Now Alice, you don't believe that.
Alice Nelson: The cook did, left the McIntyres flat.
Carol Brady: And you know as well as I do there's no such things as ghosts.
Alice Nelson: Maybe not, but they were never able to explain those voices.

Carol Brady: [both hear an unearthly moaning] WHAT was that?
Alice Nelson: It sounded like a cow died in the driveway.
[the moan sounds again]
Alice Nelson: Oh no, now it sounds human, like somebody in agony.
Carol Brady: Alice, that DOESN'T sound human.
Alice Nelson: Oh no... inhuman?

Cindy Brady: That terrible noise woke us up!
Bobby Brady: What do you suppose it was?
Alice Nelson: [a loud creaking sounds] Or is?
Carol Brady: Well sometimes a loose board will make a house creak.
Cindy Brady: You sound just like Daddy.

Carol Brady: Mike, there has to be an explanation for all these strange sounds.
Mike Brady: I haven't heard any strange sounds.
Carol Brady: Yeah that's right, you got in after they stopped.
Alice Nelson: Well there is an explanation alright, the ghosts in the McIntyre house got tired of living alone and moved in where there's more action.
Mike Brady: Oh Alice, even if you're joking, that's absurd.
Alice Nelson: Well if I'm not joking, it's not absurd. You should've heard those kids this morning before they left for school, they were as scared as I was.

Alice Nelson: Uh oh.
Mike Brady, Carol Brady: Now what?
Alice Nelson: The light in the oven is blinking something in Morse code: I'll bet the word is trouble.
Mike Brady: I'll bet the word's defective switch. I'll check it out later.
Alice Nelson: Why not sooner? There's something about an oven winking at me that gives me the creeps.

Carol Brady: Is that McIntyre banshee on the loose again?
Peter Brady: There's something out here, Mom.
Alice Nelson: 3 very definite crashes.
Greg Brady: I'll say there were.
Marcia Brady: Greg was helping me with that flat tire on my bike when we heard them.
Carol Brady: Maybe Tiger's wrestling with those garbage cans again.
Greg Brady: Oh it can't be, Tiger's sleeping in the house tonight.
Carol Brady: In the house? Why?
Marcia Brady: He was getting spooked by all those funny noises.
Alice Nelson: Just like everyone else around here.
Peter Brady: After all, he's only human
[another crash sounds]
Peter Brady, Alice Nelson: Four!
Carol Brady: I think we better take another look around.
Alice Nelson: All of us?
Carol Brady: There's safety in numbers, Alice, come on.

Cindy Brady, Bobby Brady: [all hear a loud slamming noise] What was that?
Carol Brady: [taken aback] Ub, hey, wa, it's probably the wind, uh, banging against the shutters.
Alice Nelson: That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady, if there *was* a wind, and we had shutters.

Alice Nelson: Well, this whole thing kind of depresses me, Mrs. Brady. I got my routine all worked out here. I don't know if I'll be able to function some place else.
Carol Brady: But, Alice you will function, won't you? I mean, just because we're moving, you're not going to leave.
Alice Nelson: Me? Leave the Brady family? You couldn't get rid of me if you tried. I'm a hundred-and-twenty-pound boomerang.
Carol Brady: A hundred and TWENTY pounds?
Alice Nelson: Mmmm, more or less.

"Day by Day: A Very Brady Episode (#2.11)" (1989)
Ross Harper: Mrs. Brady! Carol Brady!
Carol Brady: What in heaven's name are you talking about, Chuck?
Ross Harper: Ross! Ross Harper!
Carol Brady: I think playing all that noisy rock and roll music has gone to your head, Chuck.
Ross Harper: Why do you keep calling me Chuck?
Carol Brady: Because that's your name. Chuck Brady.
Ross Harper: You mean I'm your son? I'm a Brady!

Ross Harper: Where is everybody?
Carol Brady: Well, Peter and Bobby are working on their science project, Greg is out back fixing his bicycle, Marcia's at cheerleader tryouts, Cindy's at her bake sale, and Jan just ran up to her room and slammed the door.

Carol Brady: Why don't you take off your robe and get started on the day?
Ross Harper: Uh no, you see, I wear this robe around the house all day.
Carol Brady: Now that's not very Brady of you, honey.
[Ross tears open his robe and gasps as he finds himself in Brady Bunch attire]
Carol Brady: There! There now, isn't that better?
Ross Harper: Does it concern you that I'm wearing high heels?

Carol Brady: You know, there's nothing like that 27th cup of coffee in the morning!

Mike Brady: You got an F?
Ross Harper: Are you mad?
Carol Brady: Of course not!
Marcia Brady: We've all gotten bad grades before.
Ross Harper: You have?
Bobby Brady: Why do you think we're all still living at home?

Mike Brady: Oh honey, look what I dug up out of the attic. My old ukulele. I'm gonna be the cat's meow at that roaring '20s party.
Carol Brady: Roaring '20s?
Mike Brady: That's where we all get roaring and act like we're 20!
Ross Harper: Wait a minute. You said that before.
Mike Brady: Of course we did!
Ross Harper: Well then, why did you just say it again?
Carol Brady: This is a rerun, Chuck!

A Very Brady Sequel (1996)
Carol Brady: Thank goodness I use AquaNet!

Carol: I wish I could be gay again.

Carol: Careful, Mike. he's got a gun.
Roy: I don't need a gun to take care of you. I am going to kick your Brady butt.
Cindy: He said the "B" word.

Jan Brady: His name is George.
Marcia Brady: George what?
Jan Brady: George, uhhh Tropicana!
Carol Brady: Oh, that's nice. Is he Cuban?

[after Carol has fainted]
Mike Brady, Roy Martin: Honey, are you all right?
[they stare at each other]
Carol Brady: [not surprised] I'm all right.

Alice: Oh, just the ones in your room. And, they sure look mighty tasty, too!
[Walks out]
Roy Martin: [laughing] The ones from my room.
[Stops laughing]
Roy Martin: My room? The one's from my. Oh no!
Carol Brady: Roy, are you all right?
[the song "Good Morning Starshine" begins, and the flowers on Carol's dress animate and float around her face]
Carol Brady: Roy, are you all right?
Roy Martin: Oh God! I'm tripping with the Bradys!

"The Brady Bunch: Bobby's Hero (#4.17)" (1973)
Jethroe Collins: Jesse James killed my father.
Bobby Brady: He did?
Jethroe Collins: Shot him in the back, that's how he usually shot them, too cowardly to face them I guess.
Bobby Brady: I can't believe that, Mr. Collins.
Carol Brady: He's telling the truth, Bobby.

Alice Nelson: Salt, pepper...
[reaches in cookie jar]
Alice Nelson: cookies... cookies?
[takes empty cookie box out of cupboard]
Alice Nelson: Cookies! Salt, pepper, cookies, cookies, cookies!
[writes down grocery list]
Carol Brady: Alice, Mr. Brady and I have to go see the principal.
Mike Brady: And we won't be gone long.
Alice Nelson: Okay, Mr. Brady.
Alice Nelson: Principal? Which principal? Elementary school, junior high, senior high? I wonder which kid has done what to who and where?

Mr. Hillary: 'My Hero by Robert Brady: My hero is a very famous man, just like Robin Hood and the 3 Musketeers. He was a great American, and his name is Jesse James.
Mike Brady: Jesse James?
Carol Brady: The outlaw?
Mr. Hillary: It disturbs me when impressionable children like Bobby read books and see movies that glorify men like Jesse James, turn them into folk heroes. Jesse James was a cruel and vicious killer.
Carol Brady: I'm really surprised at Bobby.
Mr. Hillary: Well don't be, Mrs. Brady, look at what's happening today. The press writes stories about gangsters and skyjackers, they make them seem very glamorous in the eyes of the children.
Mike Brady: Today's criminals will probably be tomorrow's folk heroes.

Mike Brady: Bad news?
Carol Brady: He didn't say, but when the principal calls, is it ever good news?

The Brady Bunch Movie (1995)
Carol Brady: Tiger? Tiger? What ever happened to that dog?

Carol Brady: Why don't you help Alice bake some cookies?
Cindy Brady: Okay Mommy
[talking to Alice]
Cindy Brady: Can my doll help too?
Alice: As long as it's not Betsy Wetsy. She makes my cookies soggy woggy.

Carol Brady: Marcia it looks like rain, you better take your shawl. How about you Doug? Do you have any protection?
Doug: Oh, yes ma'am. Assorted colors and textures!
Carol Brady: Good for you!
Mike Brady: Have fun, kids.

Marcia Brady: [in Jan's thought] But Jan, you don't have friends. You're just jealous Jan.
[Jan wakes up, holds a pair of scissors like a knife, and starts to cut Marcia's hair]
Cindy Brady: Jan, what are you doing?
Jan Brady: Go back to sleep Cindy!
Cindy Brady: Jan don't. Marcia's hair is so beautiful.
Jan Brady: Exactly. That's why I'm gonna make alot of money when I sell it.
[Jan continues to cut Marcia's hair]
Jan Brady: [laughs psychotically]
Cindy Brady: [Screams]
[Carol and Alice come into the room]
Carol Brady: Jan, what are you doing?
[Marcia's got a new hairdo]
Carol Brady: Oh Marcia, I love your hair!
Alice: What a groovy hairdo!
Cindy Brady: Oh, you're so beautiful!
Jan Brady: No! She was supposed to look bad! No! No!
[Jan wakes up]
Jan Brady: What a horrible dream.

"The Brady Bunch Variety Hour: Episode #1.5" (1977)
Carol Brady: You know, honey, for a guy with his own television show, you're still a pretty fair architect.
Mike Brady: Hey, thanks! I think it's kind of therapy for me, you know. Architects don't need Neilsen ratings to tell them who's watching their buildings.

Cindy Brady: Aren't we making a movie?
Carol Brady: I think we better get this television show on first.
Bobby Brady: Really! If we don't hurry up, people are gonna turn us off and go to the movies!

Rich Little: Who are all these kids?
Carol Brady: Uh, these are our sons and daughters.
Rich Little: Oh boy, you - you two have been busy, haven't you?

"Robot Chicken: Suck It (#2.1)" (2006)
Mike Brady: This tastes different today.
Carol Brady: Alice added pee.
Mike Brady: Ah, peas.

Carol Brady: I'm a housewife with a maid! It took you this long to figure out what I was doing all day?
Mike Brady: Like I cared about you and the Rent-A-Kids anyway. Here's a *better* story, of a *bloody* lady, who's dead, who's fucking dead!

Mike Brady: Hey, ask us the sex question.
Carol Brady: Now that the kids are gone, the sex has never been better.
Alice Nelson: I agree!

"The Brady Bunch Variety Hour: Episode #1.4" (1977)
Mike Brady: Welcome back to another Brady Bunch Hour!
Carol Brady: Yeah, the show that asks the musical question: Can eight average people make it in the big time?

Mike Brady: Am I really that bad a singer?
Carol Brady: Our guests for tonight's show are...

Marcia Brady: Uh, Mom, he's not serious is he? He sounds serious.
Carol Brady: I know he sounds serious. I've heard him sing.

"The Brady Bunch Variety Hour: Pilot (#1.0)" (1976)
Cindy Brady: How would you like to eat your teeth?
Bobby Brady: How would you like to sit on a frog?
Carol Brady: My babies, they're so close.

[a "Now Serving #27" sign descends from the ceiling]
Carol Brady: With eight Bradys, this is the only fair way to decide who eats first, who talks first or who gets the bathroom.
Jan Brady: Mother, how could you? Now everybody knows!
Bobby Brady: My sister Jan doesn't want anyone to know we even have a bathroom.
Greg Brady: You know, actually in our old house, we didn't.

"The Brady Bunch: Katchoo (#1.5)" (1969)
Carol Brady: Stick out your tongue, let me check your throat.
Jan Brady: Oh mother, you've already checked it six thousand times.
Carol Brady: Well this will make six thousand and one.

Alice Nelson: You know, we got Tiger before we got Bobby.
Carol Brady: Why are you telling me this *now*?
Alice Nelson: Because I just thought of it now.
Carol Brady: Well. Think of something else.

"The Brady Bunch: Fright Night (#4.6)" (1972)
Carol Brady: [after Alice destroys the bust of Mike's head because the kids scared her] Like I said, fun is fun, but if you're not careful, someone can get hurt.
Bobby Brady: We never thought it would be dad's head.

Carol Brady: [she and Mike hop out of bed] Well here we go, round two of the battle of the ghost!

"The Brady Bunch Variety Hour: Episode #1.2" (1977)
Carol Brady: We really think we have a terrific show for you tonight!
Marcia Brady: It's loaded with music, dancing and lots of comedy.
Bobby Brady: Stay tuned, folks. The comedy starts right after this monologue.

Carol Brady: Honey, can we have our picnic on the beach? I would somehow like to justify this incredible rent we're paying.
Mike Brady: Sure, honey.
Alice Nelson: Do you mind if I tag along? Maybe the tide's washed up a sailor.
Carol Brady: Sure, Alice. At least he'll be clean!

"The Brady Bunch Variety Hour: Episode #1.6" (1977)
Carol Brady: You know, Mike, Cindy is growing up.
Mike Brady: Yeah.
Carol Brady: Seems like only yesterday I was explaining the bumps in her Barbie doll to her.

"The Brady Bunch: The Grass Is Always Greener (#1.24)" (1970)
[Unknown to the other, Mike and Carol are both reading in different parts of the house, Mike on cooking about which he knows nothing, and Carol on baseball about which she knows nothing]
Carol Brady: Men on first and third with one out, the batter must...
Mike Brady: ...pour a cup of vinegar into...
Carol Brady: ...the catcher's mitt. This is the best way to hide the signals from...
Mike Brady: ...the salt and pepper. Always make sure to properly season every...
Carol Brady: ...umpire. He must not allow the pitcher to touch his fingers to his...
Mike Brady: ...pot. Always remember that too many onions or too much garlic...
Carol Brady: ...will keep the shortstop away from the third baseman.

"The Brady Bunch: Juliet Is the Sun (#3.7)" (1971)
Alice Nelson: Romeo and Juliet's such a sad play.
Carol Brady: Yeah.
Mike Brady: It's no musical comedy.
Carol Brady: Alice, which part did you think was the saddest?
Alice Nelson: Well, the part where Romeo dies is sad. But where Juliet died is sad too. But I think the saddest part of all is when Jan said "Who goes there" before Peter said "Hark".

"The Brady Bunch: Double Parked (#2.22)" (1971)
Carol Brady: Mike?
Mike Brady: Yeah.
Carol Brady: Do you really think a bunch of women can save the park?
Mike Brady: Honey, a stirred-up bunch of women can save almost anything... except maybe money.

"The Brady Bunch: The Liberation of Marcia Brady (#2.19)" (1971)
Cindy Brady: I still don't see why we all can't go.
Carol Brady: Honey, the initiation ceremony is just for the Frontier Scouts.
Jan Brady: But this is a big victory for us girls. From now on, we'll be treated the same as boys.
Alice Nelson: At your age, that's victory. At mine it's defeat.

"The Brady Bunch: Try, Try Again (#5.10)" (1973)
Cindy Brady: Hi, anybody seen Jan?
Carol Brady: She went to the library, honey, why?
Cindy Brady: Oh, I just thought I'd let her beat me at checkers.
Mike Brady: Why you want to do that?
Cindy Brady: To give her confidence. To make her think she's good at something. That's what we've been doing.
Carol Brady: How long are you and your brothers and sisters plan to keep losing to Jan?
Cindy Brady: I don't know. A couple months. I'll ask Greg.

"The Brady Bunch: Welcome Aboard (#5.17)" (1974)
Carol Brady: Okay, I demand to know what's going on around here!
Alice Nelson: Well, if you insist, Mrs. Brady, we know about the new family addition and we're all very happy about it.
Carol Brady: Oh, you've heard about Oliver!
Alice Nelson: Oliver? Won't that be kind of a funny name if it's a girl?
Carol Brady: Wait a minute! Ha! Is this family under the impression that I'm going to have a baby?
Alice Nelson: Aren't you under that impression?

"The Brady Bunch: The Wheeler-Dealer (#3.4)" (1971)
Carol Brady: I don't have to be logical. I'm a mother.

"The Brady Bunch: The Winner (#2.21)" (1971)
Greg Brady: Dad? Mom? Can we see you for a minute?
Carol Brady: What's up?
Marcia Brady: Well, we've all talked it over and...
Greg Brady: ...all of us except Bobby.
Marcia Brady: Yeah, except Bobby. And we think you should know.
Mike Brady: Know what?
Greg Brady: Well, Bobby has been a real stinker.
Carol Brady: Greg, you know I don't like that word.

"The Brady Bunch: The Hair-Brained Scheme (#5.22)" (1974)
Carol Brady: I knew something like this was going to happen, Bobby!
Greg Brady: Well, why didn't you tell ME?

"The Brady Bunch: 54-40 and Fight (#1.15)" (1970)
Carol Brady: [exasperated] Oh, the peace and quiet of home.
[Greg and Marcia begin to argue heatedly in the background]
Bobby Brady: That doesn't sound very quiet.
Cindy Brady: And not very peace.

"The Brady Bunch: The Slumber Caper (#2.3)" (1970)
Carol Brady: [reviewing with Mike the sleeping bags airing out on the backyard grass] Well, I know the boys aired these out, Mike, but they still seem a little dusty to me.
Mike Brady: Yeah. Well, I got them to do it this morning. I guess they didn't have much enthusiasm for the job.
Carol Brady: Well, maybe we oughta hang them up and beat them.
Mike Brady: Sleeping bags or the boys?

"The Brady Bunch: The Honeymoon (#1.1)" (1969)
Carol Brady: Oh Mike. Thank goodness you saved the cake!