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: Put on your Sunday best kids. We're going to Sears!
: As a wise man once said, "Wherever you go, there you are."
: Our house is more important than money. This neighborhood is more important than money. Tell me. How many times have we borrowed each other's power tools or patched up each other's kids? We know so much about each other. I know that every January, Mr. Yeager is going to have that big Super Bowl party at his house. We know that every spring, Mrs. Simmons is going to have the prettiest daffodils on the block. We know that at 10:15 every Saturday morning, Mrs. Topping likes to walk through her living room naked. Call me old-fashioned, but these things are important, and they're not for sale. This is our neighborhood, and we're staying.
: Cindy, you know by tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattletale. Now is that the tale you want to tell?
: Alone, we can only move buckets. But if we work together, we can drain rivers.
: I couldn't have put it better myself, Jan. But I'll try anyway.
: Marcia it looks like rain, you better take your shawl. How about you Doug? Do you have any protection? Doug
: Oh, yes ma'am. Assorted colors and textures! Carol Brady
: Good for you! Mike Brady
: Have fun, kids.
: How should I put this delicately, Mike? Your designs are from another time. Mike Brady
: That's kind of you to say, Mr. Phillips. I've always thought of my style as classic as well.
: Jan, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what's on your face. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you're not only judging yourself you're judging your friends for judging you. And that would be using bad judgment.
: I'm glad someone read my book, I thought I was the only one who bought a copy. Mike Brady
: No, it was a very interesting book, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. No I think you're gonna be able to help us with our son, Bob. Jethroe Collins
: I've been thinking over what you told me on the telephone. I feel sure I can straighten out that boy of yours.
: I think you're going to find this gentleman very interesting, did you know that his father actually knew Jesse James? Bobby Brady
: He did? Wow am I glad to meet you! Jethroe Collins
: I hear Jesse's a hero of yours. Bobby Brady
: I wrote a whole composition about him for school. Jethroe Collins
: I wrote a whole book about Jesse James, only he wasn't a hero to me. Bobby Brady
: He wasn't? Jethroe Collins
: Nope, Jesse James killed my father.
: Son, you know the legends, I know the facts. Mike Brady
: Mr. Collins, why don't you tell Bob about how it was with your father? Jethroe Collins
: Well, I was just a little boy at the time. My father was riding a train to California, Jesse James held it up. Bobby Brady
: Did they have a shootout? Jethroe Collins
: Well, wasn't much of a shootout, my father had his face to the wall, his hands in the air, and he wasn't wearing a gun. Bobby Brady
: Then why'd Jesse shoot him? Jethroe Collins
: Because that's the kind of man that Jesse James was, a mean dirty killer. My mother used to cry about it in her sleep. When I was old enough to understand, I used to have nightmares about it myself. Awful nightmares, about that train robbery.
: Salt, pepper...
[reaches in cookie jar
] Alice Nelson
: cookies... cookies?
[takes empty cookie box out of cupboard
] Alice Nelson
: Cookies! Salt, pepper, cookies, cookies, cookies!
[writes down grocery list
] Carol Brady
: Alice, Mr. Brady and I have to go see the principal. Mike Brady
: And we won't be gone long. Alice Nelson
: Okay, Mr. Brady.
] Alice Nelson
: Principal? Which principal? Elementary school, junior high, senior high? I wonder which kid has done what to who and where?
: 'My Hero by Robert Brady: My hero is a very famous man, just like Robin Hood and the 3 Musketeers. He was a great American, and his name is Jesse James. Mike Brady
: Jesse James? Carol Brady
: The outlaw? Mr. Hillary
: It disturbs me when impressionable children like Bobby read books and see movies that glorify men like Jesse James, turn them into folk heroes. Jesse James was a cruel and vicious killer. Carol Brady
: I'm really surprised at Bobby. Mr. Hillary
: Well don't be, Mrs. Brady, look at what's happening today. The press writes stories about gangsters and skyjackers, they make them seem very glamorous in the eyes of the children. Mike Brady
: Today's criminals will probably be tomorrow's folk heroes.
: Bad news? Carol Brady
: He didn't say, but when the principal calls, is it ever good news?
: A gift is only a good thing when the giver has given thought to that gift. But when the gift the giver gives gives grief, then that gift should give the givee regrets.
: Us Bradys have to stick together, or we'll fall apart. Much like that house of cards. You see, a deck consists of 52 cards, and if the hearts didn't work with the diamonds and the spades with the clubs, then how the heck would we ever play a game of Gin Rummy? So, in keeping with the spirit of togetherness, I'm sure you kids know the right thing to do.
: You seem to be having quite an effect on Peter, Roy. Roy Martin
: Well, it's like I always say: "Veni, Vidi, Vici. I came, I saw, I conquered". Mike Brady
: Well, like I always say: "Caveat Emptor". Roy Martin
: Doesn't that mean "Buyer Beware"? Mike Brady
: Yes yes it does.
: Dad, I think I hit him in the head with these. I'm sorry, Mr. Phillips. Mike Brady
: Peter, drumsticks are not toys. Peter Brady
: Oh, they're not drumsticks, Dad. They're weapons. Mike Brady
: Well, weapons are not toys either, Peter.
[after Carol has fainted
] Mike Brady
, Roy Martin
: Honey, are you all right?
[they stare at each other
] Carol Brady
: [not surprised
] I'm all right.
: Roy, I have something I'd like to discuss with you Roy
: Is it about where I shop? Mike Brady
: No, but now that you mention it, I have that same suit in brown and green. Roy
: I know. You're wearing it. Mike Brady
: Ah. So I am.
: Young man, didn't I ask you to do something about that shaggy mop-top of yours? Ross Harper
: Uh whoa, Dad, that's sacred ground. I'm not cutting my hair. Mike Brady
: Who said anything about cutting it? I asked you to get a perm. Ross Harper
: A perm? Mike Brady
: All the Brady men have perms! That way our hair doesn't get in our eyes when we're fixing our bikes.
: Remember Chuck, you're running for president of student council. Ross Harper
: Oh no, not me! Not Chuck Brady! No, no. No, I don't engage in extracurricular activities. Mike Brady
: Chuck, I think we have to talk.
[Ross hears dramatic Brady Bunch music playing but he can't discern the source
] Mike Brady
: Chuck, I know that sometimes we're afraid of new challenges, but that's what growing up is all about.
[the music stops
] Mike Brady
: I'm glad we had this talk.
: You got an F? Ross Harper
: Are you mad? Carol Brady
: Of course not! Marcia Brady
: We've all gotten bad grades before. Ross Harper
: You have? Bobby Brady
: Why do you think we're all still living at home?
: Oh honey, look what I dug up out of the attic. My old ukulele. I'm gonna be the cat's meow at that roaring '20s party. Carol Brady
: Roaring '20s? Mike Brady
: That's where we all get roaring and act like we're 20! Ross Harper
: Wait a minute. You said that before. Mike Brady
: Of course we did! Ross Harper
: Well then, why did you just say it again? Carol Brady
: This is a rerun, Chuck!
: Hey, let's sing! Bobby Brady
: Now THAT'S funny!
: Honey, can we have our picnic on the beach? I would somehow like to justify this incredible rent we're paying. Mike Brady
: Sure, honey. Alice Nelson
: Do you mind if I tag along? Maybe the tide's washed up a sailor. Carol Brady
: Sure, Alice. At least he'll be clean!
: Mr Berle... why are you here? Milton Berle
: Bad luck, I guess.
: It would be an honor to have you working on our show. Milton Berle
: Heck, I've always dreamed of working with the Sweathogs!
: This tastes different today. Carol Brady
: Alice added pee. Mike Brady
: Ah, peas.
: I'm a housewife with a maid! It took you this long to figure out what I was doing all day? Mike Brady
: Like I cared about you and the Rent-A-Kids anyway. Here's a *better* story, of a *bloody* lady, who's dead, who's fucking dead!
: Hey, ask us the sex question. Carol Brady
: Now that the kids are gone, the sex has never been better. Alice Nelson
: I agree!
: [about wine
] Red, my favorite year.
: [answering the phone
] Steve? Mike Brady
: No, it's not Steve. Belinda
: Rory? Mike Brady
: No. Belinda
: Russ? Tyler? Richard? Mike Brady
: No, I'm sorry. It's Mike. Belinda
] Oh hi, Mike. Wow, you sound older. Mike Brady
: Well, I probably am. I'm Cindy's father. Belinda
: [hands Cindy the phone
] It's for you, it's your dad. He sounds cute. Cindy Brady
: He's not cute, he's... dad.
[Mickey slides down the handrail for the stairs
] Mike Brady
: Mickey, do you want to see your next Christmas? Mickey Logan
: Yes. Mike Brady
: DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN. Mickey Logan
: Deal! Mike Brady
: Mike, there has to be an explanation for all these strange sounds. Mike Brady
: I haven't heard any strange sounds. Carol Brady
: Yeah that's right, you got in after they stopped. Alice Nelson
: Well there is an explanation alright, the ghosts in the McIntyre house got tired of living alone and moved in where there's more action. Mike Brady
: Oh Alice, even if you're joking, that's absurd. Alice Nelson
: Well if I'm not joking, it's not absurd. You should've heard those kids this morning before they left for school, they were as scared as I was.
: Uh oh. Mike Brady
, Carol Brady
: Now what? Alice Nelson
: The light in the oven is blinking something in Morse code: I'll bet the word is trouble. Mike Brady
: I'll bet the word's defective switch. I'll check it out later. Alice Nelson
: Why not sooner? There's something about an oven winking at me that gives me the creeps.
: Welcome back to another Brady Bunch Hour! Carol Brady
: Yeah, the show that asks the musical question: Can eight average people make it in the big time?
: Am I really that bad a singer? Carol Brady
: Our guests for tonight's show are...
: You know, Mike, Cindy is growing up. Mike Brady
: Yeah. Carol Brady
: Seems like only yesterday I was explaining the bumps in her Barbie doll to her.
[Unknown to the other, Mike and Carol are both reading in different parts of the house, Mike on cooking about which he knows nothing, and Carol on baseball about which she knows nothing
] Carol Brady
: Men on first and third with one out, the batter must... Mike Brady
: ...pour a cup of vinegar into... Carol Brady
: ...the catcher's mitt. This is the best way to hide the signals from... Mike Brady
: ...the salt and pepper. Always make sure to properly season every... Carol Brady
: ...umpire. He must not allow the pitcher to touch his fingers to his... Mike Brady
: ...pot. Always remember that too many onions or too much garlic... Carol Brady
: ...will keep the shortstop away from the third baseman.
: Romeo and Juliet's such a sad play. Carol Brady
: Yeah. Mike Brady
: It's no musical comedy. Carol Brady
: Alice, which part did you think was the saddest? Alice Nelson
: Well, the part where Romeo dies is sad. But where Juliet died is sad too. But I think the saddest part of all is when Jan said "Who goes there" before Peter said "Hark".
: Mike? Mike Brady
: Yeah. Carol Brady
: Do you really think a bunch of women can save the park? Mike Brady
: Honey, a stirred-up bunch of women can save almost anything... except maybe money.
: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. Mike Brady
: Greg were you smoking cigarettes? Greg Brady
: No dad. Mike Brady
: Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done. Jan Brady
: That will teach him. Mike Brady
: And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother. Lois Griffin
: Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong. Peter Griffin
: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood. Brian Griffin
: The Bradys? Peter Griffin
: Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it. Black Woman
: [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes
] You folks want some pancakes? Peter Griffin
: No, thank you.
[to his family
] Peter Griffin
: See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
: Jan's allergic to Tiger... and I'm afraid, boys, that they cannot live together in the same house. Peter Brady
: Aw Dad. Greg Brady
: That's terrible. Bobby Brady
: Where's Jan gonna live?
: Geez, I can't wait to get started. Grand Canyon! Wow! Mike Brady
: Well, it's not just the canyon, Bob. Now we can learn all about the Indian tribes that live there like the Havasupai, the Hopi, the Hualapai, the Navajo. Peter Brady
: How'd they get such strange names? Mike Brady
: Well, each name means something, Pete. Like Havasupai, for instance, means "Great People of Blue-Green Running Water." Bobby Brady
: How about my name, Dad? Does Bobby mean anything? Peter Brady
: Yeah. It means little man with great, big running mouth!
: Hi, anybody seen Jan? Carol Brady
: She went to the library, honey, why? Cindy Brady
: Oh, I just thought I'd let her beat me at checkers. Mike Brady
: Why you want to do that? Cindy Brady
: To give her confidence. To make her think she's good at something. That's what we've been doing. Carol Brady
: How long are you and your brothers and sisters plan to keep losing to Jan? Cindy Brady
: I don't know. A couple months. I'll ask Greg.
: You know, honey, for a guy with his own television show, you're still a pretty fair architect. Mike Brady
: Hey, thanks! I think it's kind of therapy for me, you know. Architects don't need Neilsen ratings to tell them who's watching their buildings.
Michael 'Mike' Brady
: [Calling out to the kids who are lost in the canyons
] BOBBY? CINDY?
: Carol, we've only been on a few minutes. Are you telling me we've already been canceled?
: Dad? Mom? Can we see you for a minute? Carol Brady
: What's up? Marcia Brady
: Well, we've all talked it over and... Greg Brady
: ...all of us except Bobby. Marcia Brady
: Yeah, except Bobby. And we think you should know. Mike Brady
: Know what? Greg Brady
: Well, Bobby has been a real stinker. Carol Brady
: Greg, you know I don't like that word.
: Well, Buddy, have you learned anything valuable from this experience? Buddy Hinton
: I sure have, Mister Brady. Peter's got a good left hook. Mike Brady
: Yeah, he has.
: [reviewing with Mike the sleeping bags airing out on the backyard grass
] Well, I know the boys aired these out, Mike, but they still seem a little dusty to me. Mike Brady
: Yeah. Well, I got them to do it this morning. I guess they didn't have much enthusiasm for the job. Carol Brady
: Well, maybe we oughta hang them up and beat them. Mike Brady
: Sleeping bags or the boys?
: [catches himself beginning to go overboard again about baseball, and comes back to reality
] Why didn't you stop me, Dad? Mike Brady
] Because I think you just proved you're smart enough to stop yourself.