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Quotes for
Sam Drucker (Character)
from "Green Acres" (1965)

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"Green Acres: Oliver vs. the Phone Company (#3.4)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [on the phone, a recording says the operator is having rump roast trouble] They got to be kidding!
Lisa Douglas: People don't kid about rump roast trouble.
Newt Kiley: Rump roast trouble? That's a new recording. At least it ain't in the phone company album I have.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They put out an album?
Sam Drucker: Yeah. The company gives 'em out to you as a bonus if you don't complain about anything for a whole year.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [complaining about the phone service] I tried to get a call through to the Hoyt-Clagwell factory in Fargo, North Dakota.
Sam Drucker: Even if Sarah was there you couldn't get through to them. She doesn't have a Fargo hole on the switchboard.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Call Chicago! They route it through there.
Lisa Douglas: Maybe they don't have a router hole.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: The office was deserted. Nobody was there, not even Kimball, the phone company disc jockey. I looked through the window. It seemed that everybody in the valley is trying to get a call through, the switchboard was lit up like a Christmas tree.
Sam Drucker: Oh, that is a Christmas tree. Sarah's a little late taking it down.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Sarah's a little late in a lot of things...


"The Beverly Hillbillies: Drysdale and Friend (#7.15)" (1969)
Sam Drucker: Hey Fred can I barrow your truck to run over to Ripely?
Fred Ziffel: Oh I recon so. But take it easy Arnold asleep on the front seat. He's up half the night watching the late late show.
Sam Drucker: You know Fred you treat that pig better then you do your wife.
Fred Ziffel: Have you seen Doris lately?

Fred Ziffel: Sam?
Sam Drucker: Yeah?
Fred Ziffel: What time you coming back?
Sam Drucker: Well just as quick as I can Fred. You see a friend of a friend is in Jail over in Ripely and I want to see if I can talk the Judge into taking it easy on him.
Fred Ziffel: You don't mean Old Vinegar Joe Johnson the hanging Judge?
Sam Drucker: Oh now Fred Judge Johnson ain't so bad.
Fred Ziffel: Where that man spits grass never grows again.
Harry: He only turned mean after his Wife run off with that Banker from Kansas City.
Sam Drucker: You see Fred I won't have no trouble as long as the prisoner ain't a Banker or a City feller.


"Green Acres: Kimball Gets Fired (#2.27)" (1967)
Sam Drucker: [after Ralph has chased Schmidlapp away] Doggone, I don't know what Ralph has, but nobody seems to want it.

Sam Drucker: [about Schmidlapp] What'd he say to make you mad, Mr. Douglas?
Oliver Douglas: He knocked my corn.
Newt Kiley: Oh, he shouldn't a done that...
Fred Ziffel: No. Them skinny stalks couldn't stand much knockin'.


"Green Acres: The Hooterville Image (#2.9)" (1966)
Sam Drucker: [trying to sell brand new overalls] Fred, these come with a life time guarantee. Or four years, whichever comes first.

Sam Drucker: Haney, don't' sell you cheap overalls in my store!
Mr. Haney: You see, even Sam admits that they're priced reasonable.


"Green Acres: You Ought to Be in Pictures (#2.10)" (1966)
Mr. Haney: [Oliver interrupts his first meeting of the Hooterville Chamber of Commerce] Mr. Douglas, you got a belt buckle?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No.
Mr. Haney: Well, then would you sit down?
Sam Drucker: Sorry, no speeches without a belt buckle.

Sam Drucker: Oh, guess who I was talking to long distance on the phone, not five minutes ago: Jimmy Stewart.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, I like him. Does he look as handsome on the phone as he does in the movies?


"Green Acres: Son of Drobny (#6.16)" (1971)
Sam Drucker: Here are the suggestions the committee made for our Drobny Day celebration: the Bolshoi Ballet, the Canadian Mounties' Marching Band, and Carol Bakewell's All-Girl Bell Ringers.

Sam Drucker: What we gotta do is figure some way to attract outside money here. Remember the crowds that used to flock in on weekends?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yeah. Too bad Newt Kiley's two-headed rooster died.


"Green Acres: How to Get from Hooterville to Pixley Without Moving (#4.12)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Is there any mail for me?
Sam Drucker: [being spiteful] I wouldn't know. I had all of your mail re-routed to the Pixley post office.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, for the love of - !
Sam Drucker: By the way, don't forget to change your zip code. Pixley's 96344821756.
Sam Drucker: I'm not - -!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hooterville's 3.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, Oliver, we should have stayed here. They have a lower zipper code.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [correcting her] Zipper cod. I mean a
[confused and fumbling]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: zip - zip
Sam Drucker: Oh no, zip CODE. We pronounce it different here in Hooterville.


"Green Acres: His Honor (#2.16)" (1967)
Roy Trendell: One more year judging live stock and I get promoted to being judge at the beauty contest.
Sam Drucker: But Roy...
Roy Trendell: And I ain't giving up my seniority rights to anybody.
Mr. Haney: But we've already appointed Mr. Douglas.
Roy Trendell: Well, disappoint him.
Mr. Haney: Oh, that'll break his little heart. He'll be lower than a small boy on a tall ladder.
Sam Drucker: What's that mean?
Mr. Haney: It means, eh, that he'll be shook up like a hobo with a green tie.
Sam Drucker: Oh, Haney!


"Green Acres: The Carpenter's Ball (#6.22)" (1971)
Sam Drucker: [Haney claims that Lisa and Hank are running off to Acapulco] That's nonsense. Mrs. Douglas isn't that kind of a woman.
Eustace Charleton Haney: That's what they said about Cleopatra just before she run off with Richard Burton.
Sam Drucker: Cleopatra didn't...
Fred Ziffel: I still can't figure why she picked Hank Kimball.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, I've heard he has a certain animal attraction.
Fred Ziffel: Well, I never seen no dogs runnin' after him.


"Green Acres: Alf and Ralph Break Up (#3.14)" (1967)
Sam Drucker: [to Oliver, after Arnold leaves with a basket of groceries] You know, Fred don't even miss Doris. It's amazin' how that pig has taken her place!


"Green Acres: The Rutabaga Story (#3.27)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What is wrong with the people of this community? I had a simple idea about raising rutabagas. The next thing I know, Ziffel is trying to get CBS to send him color cameras, Trendell is trying to get the U.S.C. football team, and Newt is calling Sophia Loren to be a Rutabaga Queen! This is absurd!
Sam Drucker: That's what I told 'em, but they get carried away.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They sure do!
Sam Drucker: Yeah. I wonder why Ed Sullivan hasn't called me back?


"Green Acres: How to Succeed in Television Without Really Trying (#3.19)" (1968)
Fred Ziffel: [Dilly's cam now telecasts the Douglas' bedroom] What are you watching?
Sam Drucker: Mr. Douglas getting undressed.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, has he got a nighttime show, too? Then I hope it's better than his afternoon show. Them imitations he done were pretty bad.


"Green Acres: Water, Water Everywhere (#2.2)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: Well that's a stupid and ridiculous law!
Sam Drucker: That's what it's going to be known as: the stupid and ridiculous law of 1966.


"Green Acres: Happy Birthday (#5.26)" (1970)
Sam Drucker: [complaining about inflation] The whole thing's gettin' out of hand. It's a good thing Coolidge didn't choose to run again, 'cause I wouldn't have voted for him.


"Green Acres: Oliver and the Cornstalk (#5.12)" (1969)
Sam Drucker: [Lisa asks if he was able to order any caviar] No, but they told me they were coming out with a do it yourself caviar kit.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: A caviar kit?
Sam Drucker: Yeah, you cook up a box of tapioca and you stir in some licorice for color, and then add some sardine oil for the fish taste.
Lisa Douglas: Order me one of those!


"Green Acres: Jealousy (#6.3)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Sam says Eb was complaining about mistreatment] I treated him very well!
Sam Drucker: Only allowing him to have one sock? I don't consider that good treatment.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: One sock? Did he tell you that?
Sam Drucker: Yeah, and a lot of other things, too. Like how you used to hit 'em everytime his mother ruined one of your shirts when she beat it with a rock.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You didn't believe him, did you?
Sam Drucker: Not until he asked me to take off his leg irons!


"Green Acres: Exodus to Bleedswell (#2.18)" (1967)
Sam Drucker: Mr. Douglas, town council met last night and we voted to reopen the Hooterville Airplane Company that we had here during the war.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [still groggy, having just waken up] The Hooterville Airplane Air...
Sam Drucker: [continuing] And for suggesting it, we're making you president.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You're making me...
Roy Trendell: [interrupting] Don't he ever finish a sentence?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well I...
Roy Trendell: There he goes again!
Sam Drucker: Roy!


"Green Acres: The Coming-Out Party (#6.2)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [unable to order a part for his Hoyt-Clagwell tractor] How am I going to get the tractor running?
Sam Drucker: Maybe I could have Hammerin' Hanna make a doohickey for you.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who's Hammering Hanna?
Sam Drucker: She's the blacksmith over in Pixley. Her husband's a dentist. She hand forges all the braces for his patients.


"Green Acres: One of Our Assemblymen Is Missing (#2.6)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The last time you had election for assemblyman, who ran from this district?
Sam Drucker: I did.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh?
Sam Drucker: I was defeated.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who ran against you?
Sam Drucker: Nobody.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: And you lost?
Sam Drucker: No.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well then you won?
Sam Drucker: No.
[a beat]
Sam Drucker: No, you see, election day is the first Tuesday after the first Monday in September. But the word got around it was the first first Monday after the first Tuesday and that's when everybody showed up. And by that time, it was too late.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When was this?
Fred Ziffel: 1922.


"Green Acres: Eb's Double Trouble (#6.7)" (1970)
Sam Drucker: [filling Eb's grocery order] And now what else Eb?
Eb Dawson: Oh, Mrs. Douglas needs a loaf of white bread.
Sam Drucker: Sliced or un-sliced?
Eb Dawson: Are those the only two kinds you have?
Sam Drucker: Yeah.
Eb Dawson: It's a big decision. If it ain't right, I'll have to bing it brack.


"Green Acres: How to Enlarge a Bedroom (#1.15)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [about the Monroe brothers] You really think they're good, huh?
Sam Drucker: Did you see what they did for Fred Ziffel?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes.
[rolls eyes]
Sam Drucker: Oh, that door o' his really swings now.


"Green Acres: Eb Uses His Ingenuity (#4.23)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: Who's band is playing for the dance?
Sam Drucker: We were gonna have Guy Lombardo, but somebody lost the records.


"Green Acres: The Wedding Deal (#6.17)" (1971)
Sam Drucker: The marriage business sure has fallen off around here since they opened that wedding chapel at the drive-in movie.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They have a wedding chapel in a drive-in movie?
Sam Drucker: Ah, well, you know how folks are now-a-days. They hate to get out of their cars.


"Green Acres: Law Partners (#4.17)" (1969)
Hank Kimball: A county agent's gotta keep his ear to the ground.
Sam Drucker: That's explains how you got all those rocks in your head.


"Green Acres: Old Mail Day (#4.8)" (1968)
Sam Drucker: [tries to talk Oliver out of sending another hotheaded complaint letter, this one to the U.S. Post Office] Remember the last time you wrote a complaining letter?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: To whom?
Sam Drucker: Take your pick. They were all disasters.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, that's not...
Sam Drucker: It was two weeks to get our lights back on when you wrote to the electric company.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, that was...
Sam Drucker: We didn't get any water for a month after you wrote to the water company.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, well...
Sam Drucker: And there was the school bus fiasco, the condemned bridge fiasco... Well, uh, u name it, and it was a fiasco!


"Green Acres: Everywhere a Chick Chick (#4.14)" (1969)
Sam Drucker: [tearfully recounting the trials of the heroine on the soap "Tomorrow Will Be Brighter"] She could hardly read the letter she got from her boyfriend.
Lisa Douglas: The jockey?
Sam Drucker: No, no. The one who was sick all the time. He wrote her to tell her he was a'runnin' off with the lady druggist. He didn't really love her; it was the only way he could figure to get his medicines at a discount.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Mr. Drucker, if you don't mind, I'd like to order...
Lisa Douglas: Just a minute. I want to find out what's going to happen to that poor woman.
Sam Drucker: Oh, things are gonna get worse, much worse. Some NUT talked her into raisin' chickens!


"Green Acres: The Beverly Hillbillies (#2.23)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [talking about her acting career in the old country] We used to do those very dramatic plays like 'The Cherry Orchard', 'Dolls House', 'War and Peace', 'Budapest Parastock'...
Sam Drucker: What was that last one?
Lisa Douglas: Budapest Hillbilies.
Sam Drucker: The Budapest Hillbilies?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, you know, it's the story about tha Hungarian peasant who struck goulash and moved his family to the Swiss Alps.


"Green Acres: Send a Boy to College (#1.28)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: To be a veterinarian, you've got to have a diploma.
Sam Drucker: Just like a doctor that treats people.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, well, people's doctor I can understand, because people go to the office and look at the diploma, but, but animals, never.
Sam Drucker: Well eh...
Oliver Douglas: Eh, eh, wait till you hear the next part of it.
Lisa Douglas: When Eb fixed up Alice, she didn't look for his diploma, and neither did Arnold when Eb saved him from the shiver-shake shim-shams.
Sam Drucker: Well eh...
Oliver Douglas: I don't think she's finished.
Lisa Douglas: Now if Eb needs a diploma, he should go to college so he can become a vegetarian.


"Green Acres: Charlie, Homer, and Natasha (#6.13)" (1970)
Sam Drucker: [Oliver explains that Charlie doesn't exist] Ohhhhh, I see. Well, that's not unusual. I remember when I was a little kid, I used to have a little imaginary friend. Didn't you?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No.
Sam Drucker: Well, you were rich! I guess you could afford to have real friends.