Lisa Douglas
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Quotes for
Lisa Douglas (Character)
from "Green Acres" (1965)

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"Green Acres: The Computer Age (#2.21)" (1967)
Ralph Monroe: [explaining computer dating] Well, they put all your information in the computer, and then when a boy's card matches the girls card, they get married.
Lisa Douglas: Well that's all right for the cards, but what about the people?

Oliver Douglas: Lisa, open the door!
Lisa Douglas: I'm sorry, 723, but I can't allow any strangers in my bedroom.

Ralph Monroe: Well then I can't get married.
Oliver Douglas: Is that what you wanted the eighteen dollars for, a big wedding?
Ralph Monroe: No, it's to find a husband.
Lisa Douglas: In my experience, there are very few good eighteen dollar husbands. Mr. Douglas was a sixhundred dollar job.

Mrs. Blisswell: [at Cupid's Computer Club] Yes, may I help you?
Lisa Douglas: Eh, we would like to be punched.
Mrs. Blisswell: Punched?
Lisa Douglas: Well you know, with the cards.

Mr. Blisswell: Mrs. Douglas, did you notice the young lady at the desk when you came in?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, eh, but my husband noticed her more.

"Green Acres: Lisa's Vegetable Garden (#2.24)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: Where do you keep the booze?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The booze?
Lisa Douglas: Well, you know, the bottle you keep for municipal porpoises.

Lisa Douglas: [having found several credits printed on freshly laid eggs] What's the matter with you chickens? All of your eggs coming out with names on.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, any school child can figure that out in it's head.
Lisa Douglas: Well, I didn't go to a head-school. The school I went to, all they told me is to count how many carats there are in a diamond. The way you do that: you find a jeweler...

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa has hired Alf and Ralph as domestic help] Now about the help... Do you want to fire them, or shall I?
Lisa Douglas: [Alf and Ralph look close to tears] Why, you wouldn't fire them on Christmas?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's not Christmas!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When you proposed to me, you said that every day is going to be like Christmas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [mellows as he remembers and smiles] Oh, so I did. Merry Christmas, darling.
[kisses Lisa on the lips, then turns to Alf and Ralph]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You're fired.
[Alf and Ralph burst out crying]

Lisa Douglas: Well, we don't like cucumbers. What other vegetables are there?
Hank Kimball: Oh, I have a list here as long as my arm.
[grabs the lists and compares it's length with his right arm]
Hank Kimball: No, I guess it's shorter.
Lisa Douglas: Eh, can I have that?
Hank Kimball: Well no, I need it to hold my wristwatch on. Oh, heh heh, you mean the list.

"Green Acres: School Days (#2.15)" (1967)
Tom Blackwell: [giving Lisa driving lessons] Do you know what these are?
[points to the gear shift]
Tom Blackwell: P-R-N-D-L.
Lisa Douglas: Oh yes. that's a pernundel. My husband has a pernundel on his car, too.

Oliver Douglas: Lisa! When are you going to learn how to cook right?
Lisa Douglas: Stop yelling!
Oliver Douglas: I have a right to yell! This...
Lisa Douglas: One morning you don't get your hotcakes and you turn into be a beast.
Oliver Douglas: That's not true, I'm more of a beast when I get them!

Lisa Douglas: The most important thing is to marry a man who loves you. Because if he loves you, you can get away with murder. Now I don't know how to cook, but Mr. Douglas loves me, and I have more diamonds than any of my friends. who are better cooks than I am. Also emeralds.

Oliver Douglas: Lisa, we're not going to smooch, we're gonna talk about school.
Lisa Douglas: Oh. It's father-son time.
Oliver Douglas: It's husband-wife time.
Lisa Douglas: Then we are going to smooch.
[throws her arms around him]

Mister Dillman: Now, today we are going to examine the Austro-Hungarian monarchy.
Lisa Douglas: [stands up] I can help you with that, because I come from Hungary. Most people don't know that, because I don't speak with an accident anymore.

"Green Acres: Never Look a Gift Tractor in the Mouth (#1.27)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [to Oliver] Boy, what a grouch! That's what I get for marrying a man 68 years older than me!

Mr. Johnson: [Lisa is buying a tractor for Oliver] Just put on a blue bow, the fellow I'm sending it to is a boy.
Mr. Johnson: Well I'll do what I can.
Lisa Douglas: And would you put a big card on it, saying 'Happy Birthday'?
Mr. Johnson: Eh, from who?
Lisa Douglas: A friend. Well, he'll know who it is, he doesn't have too many.

Lisa Douglas: [about Oliver] Well, I guess you can't expect a man who is 72 years older than me, to stay up late.

Lisa Douglas: [Lisa sighs after a kiss from Oliver] It's hard to believe that you are 81 years older than I am.

"Green Acres: Oliver vs. the Phone Company (#3.4)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [on the phone, a recording says the operator is having rump roast trouble] They got to be kidding!
Lisa Douglas: People don't kid about rump roast trouble.
Newt Kiley: Rump roast trouble? That's a new recording. At least it ain't in the phone company album I have.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They put out an album?
Sam Drucker: Yeah. The company gives 'em out to you as a bonus if you don't complain about anything for a whole year.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [complaining about the phone service] I tried to get a call through to the Hoyt-Clagwell factory in Fargo, North Dakota.
Sam Drucker: Even if Sarah was there you couldn't get through to them. She doesn't have a Fargo hole on the switchboard.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Call Chicago! They route it through there.
Lisa Douglas: Maybe they don't have a router hole.

Lisa Douglas: Before you tell me your bad news, let me tell you my good news: Irving works.
[points at Irving Two Smokes the wooden Indian]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He what?
Lisa Douglas: While you were away, not a single cowboy showed up!

Lisa Douglas: This always happens, Olivar. Every time you open your mouth, somebody sticks a phone company in it.

"Green Acres: The Saucer Season (#2.25)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The next time you have a picnic...
[blows out a candle]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: ... bring some food!
Lisa Douglas: Well, if you're hungry, I turn on the radio.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What good will that do?
Lisa Douglas: Maybe you'll hear something good to eat.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to Eb] Now here's a real UFO: Unidentified Food Object.
Lisa Douglas: Just for that, no more hotcakes!
[takes the hotcake and puts it on a pile]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You do love me!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, why did you make four different pots of coffee? Why didn't you just put the sugar bowl and the cream pitcher on the table?
Lisa Douglas: [matter of factly] I broke them.

Lisa Douglas: My husband was in the airforce, too.
Lieutenant Bennett: Yes, eh, he told me. Eb, when you...
Lisa Douglas: His uniform didn't fit as good as yours. His was baggy in the seat.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That was my parachute.

"Green Acres: The Decorator (#1.3)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [finding his mother passed out outside] What's wrong with her?
Eustace Charleton Haney: I don't know. I picked her up at the depot, drover her out, she got out of truck, took one look at the house and keeled over.
Lisa Douglas: I can understand that.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yeah, I guess the rustic beauty is kinda overwhelming.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: You'll feel better after you've had breakfast.
Lisa Douglas: Who's going to cook it?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh well, I want to talk to you about that.
Lisa Douglas: What is there to talk about?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: About who's cooking.
Lisa Douglas: Darling, when we got married I promised to love, honor and obey. I said nothing about cooking.

Lisa Douglas: Don't shout at mother!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I can shout at her, she's my mother!
Lisa Douglas: Well, she's my mother in law.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's not natural for anybody to like their own mother in law. I don't like your mother.

Mother Eunice Douglas: Lisa, are you coming?
Lisa Douglas: Oh darling, I promised Oliver if he gets a decorator I'd stay.
Lisa Douglas: You don't have to keep a promise, you're a woman.

"Green Acres: Oliver Buys a Farm (#1.1)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'd take a little seed, a tiny little seed, I'd, I'd plant it in the ground, I'd put some dirt on it, I'd water it, and pretty soon, do you know what I'd have?
Lisa Douglas: A dirty little wet seed.

Lisa Douglas: What is that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's a sunlamp! I bought it today. The corn is not getting enough sun, it can't get through the smog.

Lisa Douglas: [Oliver is about to leave for the airport] Haven't you forgotten something?
[meaning a goodbye kiss]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [putting down his suitcase and reaching into a fancy cabinet] My 'Farm Gazette'!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [driving through Hooterville] Hmm, you never smelled air like that in the city.
Lisa Douglas: No I didn't. What is that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sniffles] Oh, that's Fred Ziffel's. He runs a pig farm.
Lisa Douglas: He should run it in another direction.

"Green Acres: The Beverly Hillbillies (#2.23)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [suggesting Lisa to play Granny] Great. She used to be a star on the Hungarian stage. Oh, she'd be perfect for Granny. She's the right size. Eh, she won't need too much makeup.
Lisa Douglas: Oliver!

Eb Dawson: [rehearsing Jethro's lines] What is Granny going to make for supper tonight?
Lisa Douglas: [reading Elly May's lines] Breast of pollywog with possum's toes and crawdad turnovers.
Eb Dawson: Goooooody!
Lisa Douglas: Why don't you set yourself down on your you all and I will go out to the see-mint pond and catch us a barracuda.

Lisa Douglas: [talking about her acting career in the old country] We used to do those very dramatic plays like 'The Cherry Orchard', 'Dolls House', 'War and Peace', 'Budapest Parastock'...
Sam Drucker: What was that last one?
Lisa Douglas: Budapest Hillbilies.
Sam Drucker: The Budapest Hillbilies?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, you know, it's the story about tha Hungarian peasant who struck goulash and moved his family to the Swiss Alps.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [a big round piece of bread dough has landed on Oliver's head as he entered the kitchen] I suppose you can explain this?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, oh yes. I struck out with the schpaghetti, so I thought I'd make a pizza.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What have you got against the Italians?

"Green Acres: What's in a Name? (#1.21)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [explaining how a spoon can stand upright in her coffee] We ran out of coffee, but I found a can on the shelf.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Of what?
Lisa Douglas: I don't know. There wasn't a label on it.

Lisa Douglas: [trying to get Hank interested in Ralph] She's a very nice girl.
Hank Kimball: Girl? Well, it's kind of hard to think of her as - No, it's impossible!

Lisa Douglas: Now don't be mean to your sister even though she is your brother.

Lisa Douglas: Wait a moment, I have a surprise for you. I made it myself.
[holds up a men's shirt with practically no sleeves at all]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What is this?
Lisa Douglas: A shirt-sleeved short, it's for the exam.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: A shirt-sleeved...
Lisa Douglas: Yes, I made it out of your best shirt.

"Green Acres: A Square Is Not Round (#2.12)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver has just cracked a square egg] One of the chickens must have made a mistake.
Oliver Douglas: A mistake?
Lisa Douglas: Well, they're only human.

Oliver Douglas: [holding another square egg] Which hen do you think laid the eggs?
Lisa Douglas: I don't know.
Eb Dawson: Well, it should't be too hard to find out, all we gotta do is look for a square chicken.

Lisa Douglas: Well, you know the old saying: you can lead a horse over the water, but you can't make him think.

"Green Acres: Give Me Land, Lots of Land (#1.16)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [calling to Mr. Haney at the front door] Come in!
Eustace Charleton Haney: [the knob comes off in his hand] I can't. I've been de-doorknobbed!

Lisa Douglas: [taking a look at the Watson farm] I told you I wasn't going to like and I kept my promise: I don't like it.

Mr. Haney: Now, I could move this fine furniture in my spacious padded truck for... seventyfive dollars.
Lisa Douglas: Twentyfive.
Mr. Haney: Sixty?
Lisa Douglas: Fifteen.
Mr. Haney: Hey, hold it. You're going in the wrong direction. When I'm coming down, you're supposed to be going up.
Lisa Douglas: Ten.
Mr. Haney: Mrs. Douglas, you just ain't got the spirit of this thing.
Lisa Douglas: Five.

"Green Acres: His Honor (#2.16)" (1967)
Bellboy: [Oliver answers the door in judges wig and robe] Eh, where do you want these, Mrs. Douglas?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I am not Mrs. Douglas!
Lisa Douglas: I am Mrs. Douglas.
Bellboy: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the old lady in the black dress was Mrs. Douglas.

Lisa Douglas: [Lisa has got Oliver a judge's wig] Come on, try it up.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'll look like an old Beatle.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are they?
Lisa Douglas: Hots kebabs.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hots kebabs?
Lisa Douglas: They're like shish kebabs, but with the shish kebabs you put the shish on the screwer, but with the hots kebabs, you put the hots on it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, you put that to music, you might have a hit.

"Green Acres: Oliver Takes Over the Phone Company (#3.5)" (1967)
Mr. Roy Trendell: [informing Oliver that his mother has quit as operator] She wouldn't work for him after he stole the company from me.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are you talking about? I didn't steal the company from you. You-you-you gave it to me!
Mr. Roy Trendell: That's not Mom's version. She's going around telling everybody how you got me drunk, lured me into a poker game and won the company from me with a marked deck!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: That's the way he won me from the count. Only that time he did it with loaded dice.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, would you go over to Drucker's and get a broom and some dust cloths.
Lisa Douglas: Did you ever run for dictator of anything?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Go!

Lisa Douglas: [reading an incomplete sign on the Hotterville Telephone Company windo] 'Ervice is ur mott.' Do you know what that means in Hungarian? It means that the customer is chopped liver.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's supposed to read 'Service is our motto.'
Lisa Douglas: Oh? Do you know what that means in Hungarian?
[Oliver walks to the door]
Lisa Douglas: Don't you want to know it? It's very sexy. People only say it to each other.

"Green Acres: Double Drick (#1.25)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: Lisa, three from seven leaves four, any schoolboy knows that!
Lisa Douglas: Well I was a schoolgirl. But I didn't find that out until I was twelve, I, I went to an all girl school.

Lisa Douglas: Where is my husband?
Larry Lawlor: Eh he just went up the pole. Does he always do that when he gets mad?
Lisa Douglas: No, no, that's where the phone is.
Larry Lawlor: Oh, that makes it handy.

Hank Kimball: Oh, morning, Mrs. Douglas, how are ya?
Lisa Douglas: Hello Mr. Kimball, I'm fine. Well, I'm, I'm not really fine, I have a little headache. Well, it isn't a little headache... it's a... it went away!
Hank Kimball: I know someone who talks just like that. Well not just like that... What was his name? Oh yes, it was eh... No, it wasn't him. He had a Texas drawl. Well, it wasn't a drawl. Oh, you're gonna do some outdoor cooking?

"Green Acres: It's So Peaceful in the Country (#2.17)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [tucking in Oliver's mother] You can sleep later in the morning, I told the rooster not to crow.

Lisa Douglas: Hello there, Mr. Horse.
Chief Yellow Horse: What your name?
Lisa Douglas: Lisa.
Chief Yellow Horse: Hm. Me give you Indian name: Lo Tomato Ho.
Lisa Douglas: That's very pretty.
Chief Yellow Horse: Means: squaw with golden hair, but married to sour puss.

Lisa Douglas: [Charley is showing Lisa how to run a train engine] What is this?
Charley Pratt: Mrs. Douglas, that's a brig.
Lisa Douglas: Way up here? How do you schtep on it?
Charley Pratt: You don't step on it, you pull it.

"Green Acres: Kimball Gets Fired (#2.27)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [Lisa is pushing a vacuum cleaner around the front room of the house] Would you put your foot up... your foots up? Put your feets up.
Oliver Douglas: What's the matter with the vacuum?
Lisa Douglas: Nothing.
Oliver Douglas: It's not making any noise.
Lisa Douglas: Well it only makes a noise when it's plugged in.
Oliver Douglas: Well if it's not plugged in, it's not going to pick up the dirt.
Lisa Douglas: There isn't any dirt.
Oliver Douglas: Well then why are you vacuuming?
Lisa Douglas: I am not! It's not plugged in!

Mr. Treffinger: I'm sure you've heard the expression "a new broom sweeps clean."
Lisa Douglas: No, how does it go?

Oliver Douglas: Lisa, would you do me a favor? Will you keep your big Hungarian nose out of this?
Lisa Douglas: Well, that's the last time I ever marry him!

"Green Acres: A Prize in Every Package (#4.16)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: In Hungary, they had a wonderful cereal: shredded goulash. You can't get that here.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Thank goodness.

Sheriff: [to Lisa, after arresting Oliver for grand larceny] And just who are you?
Lisa Douglas: I'm the wife of the grand larcen!

Lisa Douglas: Aren't you going to handcuff me?
Sheriff: Well, I didn't think you'd try to get away.
Lisa Douglas: I always do!

"Green Acres: Horse? What Horse? (#1.29)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [to Oliver, after the rooster unplugs the extension cord] There is no electristical. The plug fell out of the power company.

Oliver Douglas: [a horse followed Oliver home but it keeps disappearing when Lisa arrives on the scene] He was here... he was watching me wash my hands.
Lisa Douglas: Why would he do that?
Oliver Douglas: [slightly annoyed] I dunno, maybe it's his hobby!

Lisa Douglas: [about art] I always say: why get a copy when the original is only a few thousand dollars more?

"Green Acres: Water, Water Everywhere (#2.2)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: In the old country, they don't look for water with a stick. They do it scientifically.
Oliver Douglas: Oh?
Lisa Douglas: They put a goldfish in a shoe, and then they throw the shoe out the window.
Oliver Douglas: That's scientific?
Lisa Douglas: Of course! And then the goldfish swims upstream until it finds the water.
Oliver Douglas: Mm hmm. Now... uh... how does he swim upstream if there's no water?
Lisa Douglas: His friends help him.

Lisa Douglas: [seeing Willie with his divining rod] What's that sthick for?
Oliver Douglas: He uses that to look for the water.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, he's a sthick-looker.
Oliver Douglas: A dowser.
Lisa Douglas: What's a dowser?
Oliver Douglas: [pauses] A sthick-looker.

Lisa Douglas: How would you like to have your hotcakes?
Oliver Douglas: In a restaurant.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, it's going to be one of those days. When you wake up in the morning being nasty, then as the day goes on you get worse, then at night you want to kiss and make up.
Oliver Douglas: Now what's wrong with that?
Lisa Douglas: Couldn't we start the morning with a make up?
Oliver Douglas: Alright.
[kisses her on the nose]
Oliver Douglas: We friends?
Lisa Douglas: [not satisfied] What else could we be with a kiss like that?

"Green Acres: Not Guilty (#3.17)" (1968)
Eb Dawson: [explaining to trooper where his $300 came from] That's another story. You see, about six months ago I got a letter from my Uncle Wallaby in Australia.
Lisa Douglas: You never said you had an uncle in Australia.
State Trooper Jack Webster: Oh?
Eb Dawson: Oh, he must've slipped my mind. Anyway, $300 doesn't mean a thing to him. He's very wealthy. He bottles sheep dip. It's a very popular drink, especially in the summertime. It tastes kinda like a hairy vodka.

Lisa Douglas: [to Judge Perkins] Your Honor, Eb is innocent. He was framed! Just like Frank Nitti!
Judge Perkins: Frank Nitti?
Eb Dawson: The feller that gave Mr. Douglas his still.
Judge Perkins: What still?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your Honor...
Judge Perkins: Counselor, don't you know it's against the law to operate a still?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I don't operate one!
Eb Dawson: No, he just sits and looks at it and dreams of the old days in Chi-car-go.

Lisa Douglas: Eb! Where are you going all dressed up?
Eb Dawson: I got a date.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: With what?
Eb Dawson: It's not a "what" this time - it's a "who."
Lisa Douglas: What's her name?
Eb Dawson: Claudelia Frinkhouser. She's English.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Frinkhouser? That doesn't sound like an English name.
Eb Dawson: Then why does she always carry a bag of fish and chips around with her?
Lisa Douglas: Well, that's very English.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, yes, yes - very. Does she take off her monocle while she's eating?
Eb Dawson: She don't wear a monocle. She has a contact lens with a string on it.

"Green Acres: Never Start Talking Unless Your Voice Comes Out (#2.22)" (1967)
Doris Ziffel: [to Lisa] I sure hope you stay. I love it when you drop over here of an afternoon for coffee and girl talk.
Lisa Douglas: Thank you.
Doris Ziffel: Fred likes it, too. When he gets home after you been here, he always says how nice the place smells.

Oliver Douglas: [about to drive off to Drucker's store] I'm going in to pick up some aspirin for Eb. And eh... to get a present.
Lisa Douglas: For whom?
Oliver Douglas: It's a surprise.
Lisa Douglas: Well, if you want to know any sizes, why don't you call me. My number is: Hootersville 631.
Oliver Douglas: Yes, I know your number, I just can't remember your name.
Lisa Douglas: [mildly outraged] Oliver!
Oliver Douglas: Ok, Oliver. I'll call you if I need you.

Oliver Douglas: [the Hooterville townfolks think Oliver's a CIA agent] Gentlemen, you've found me out. My real name is not Oliver Wendell Douglas. In Washington I am known as '189'. And Hortence Kalish, here...
[indicating Lisa]
Oliver Douglas: ... is known as 37-29-42.
Lisa Douglas: [outraged] 42 I'm not!

"Green Acres: The Hooterville Image (#2.9)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: [pleased with his freshly ironed shirt, Oliver kisses Lisa passionately] How come you're kissing her when I'm the one that ironed them?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I thought you ironed them?
Lisa Douglas: Well you saw the ironing board, then you jumped on the wrong concussion.
Eb Dawson: She means 'the wrong concession'.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Not concession, confusion. eh... conclusion.
[rolls his eyes]

Lisa Douglas: [Lisa is feeding the chickens] Chloë, why do you always have to play the piano at lunch time?

Lisa Douglas: How do you like Oliver's overalls?
Floyd Smoot: Wow. Italian silk!
Newt Kiley: Real fur!
Charley Pratt: Gold buttons, with 'Beat Princeton' writ on 'em.
Floyd Smoot: I reckon we know when we're being funned at.
Fred Ziffel: Yeah, looks like the war is on again.

"Green Acres: Lisa's Jam Session (#3.2)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: All I have to do is give you my name, rank and stereo number.

Lisa Douglas: [apologetic] I ran out of hotscakes flowers and I can't make you hotscakes for breakfast.
Oliver Douglas: [brightens up] You can't make hotcakes?
Lisa Douglas: Shall I get the whip?
Oliver Douglas: No, no, no, just let me sit here and let it sing in. No hotcakes...
[he starts to whistle]
Lisa Douglas: You're not very upset?
Oliver Douglas: Well, I'm just covering up for what's inside: relief.

Doris Ziffel: Oh, I know: men. First they marry you. Then they want you to make beds, make supper, make bisquits, make jam! They don't want wives, they want makin' machines. Boy, it's tough being a woman.
Lisa Douglas: It sure is. But I don't know how to do anything else.

"Green Acres: A Home Isn't Built in a Day (#2.11)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, why is it that every time I say I go back to New York unless you fix up this place, I never go and you never fix it.
Oliver Douglas: Well, this... it's a privilege to live in a place like this, this is part of America.
Lisa Douglas: One of the worst parts.

Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, where's the architect?
Oliver Douglas: He left.
Eb Dawson: Doggone it. I wanted to show him how I wanted my room fixed up into a bachelor pad.
Oliver Douglas: What?
Eb Dawson: I got the idea from a magazine. You know, the one that has a girl in the center that unfolds.
Lisa Douglas: Eh, what girl unfolds in the center?
Oliver Douglas: You'd have to see the magazine to understand.

Oliver Douglas: We're living in an historical monument.
Lisa Douglas: I don't want to live in a hystarical menumant.

"Green Acres: Wings Over Hooterville (#2.1)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [meeting Oliver during WWII] I don't think you're really an American.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why not?
Lisa Douglas: You spend more time talking than smooching.

Mr. Haney: When my friends are standing there with their hand out, asking for help, I'm there.
Lisa Douglas: With your hand out!
Mr. Haney: Ooh, that stung. Like a cheap aftershave lotion on a nicked chin.

Lisa: Why don't we talk English, then we don't have to use subtitles.
Janos: The way you schtalk English, we still might.
Lisa: Were is the parachushtis?
Janos: That one could use subtitles.

"Green Acres: The Old Trunk (#4.24)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [pointing at the trunk] Oh, where did that come from?
Eb Dawson: I work up in bed with it this morning.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop...
Lisa Douglas: That happened to my uncle once. He work up in bed with a trunk. Or was it a drunk? No. it was a trunk with a drunk in it.
Eb Dawson: Hey, maybe there's a drunk in this one! Shall I open it?

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [looking through the documents in the trunk] Eb, this is dated 1902. These stocks and bonds are worthless. The companies are out of business. Defunct.
Lisa Douglas: How do you know? Some of them may still be "funct."

Eb Dawson: [listening to Lisa read the diary] Golly, that's sad.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Sad? That's sickening. I never heard such tripe!
Lisa Douglas: That's because it happened in real life, and you know what they say: Ruth is stranger than friction.

"Green Acres: Send a Boy to College (#1.28)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [regarding Eb] Poor boy. Thrown out of college just because he didn't graduate high school.

Oliver Douglas: To be a veterinarian, you've got to have a diploma.
Sam Drucker: Just like a doctor that treats people.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, well, people's doctor I can understand, because people go to the office and look at the diploma, but, but animals, never.
Sam Drucker: Well eh...
Oliver Douglas: Eh, eh, wait till you hear the next part of it.
Lisa Douglas: When Eb fixed up Alice, she didn't look for his diploma, and neither did Arnold when Eb saved him from the shiver-shake shim-shams.
Sam Drucker: Well eh...
Oliver Douglas: I don't think she's finished.
Lisa Douglas: Now if Eb needs a diploma, he should go to college so he can become a vegetarian.

Oliver Douglas: [Lisa wants Oliver to send Eb to college] Well it can be pretty expensive.
Lisa Douglas: How expensive? Mink coat expensive or sable coat expensive?
Oliver Douglas: Mink.
Lisa Douglas: Well then why don't we send Eb to college instead?
Oliver Douglas: Instead of what?
Lisa Douglas: You buying me a mink coat.
Oliver Douglas: I wasn't gonna buy you a mink coat.
Lisa Douglas: Well then you certainly can afford to send Eb to college.
Oliver Douglas: Lisa!
Lisa Douglas: Although... if I go to visit Eb in college, it wouldn't be nice if I would go without a mink coat.

"Green Acres: How to Get from Hooterville to Pixley Without Moving (#4.12)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Is there any mail for me?
Sam Drucker: [being spiteful] I wouldn't know. I had all of your mail re-routed to the Pixley post office.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, for the love of - !
Sam Drucker: By the way, don't forget to change your zip code. Pixley's 96344821756.
Sam Drucker: I'm not - -!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hooterville's 3.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, Oliver, we should have stayed here. They have a lower zipper code.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [correcting her] Zipper cod. I mean a
[confused and fumbling]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: zip - zip
Sam Drucker: Oh no, zip CODE. We pronounce it different here in Hooterville.

Lisa Douglas: [reads sign on their house saying "These Premises Condemned"] These promises commended.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [correcting her] Uh, no. Condemned. And who condemned these promises? Uh, er - who commended the premises?
Eb Dawson: There was a fella here from the Pixley Building Authority. He said this house is too dangerous to live in.
Lisa Douglas: He's right!

"Green Acres: Don't Count Your Tomatoes Before They're Picked (#3.7)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [hears knock at door] Who the - ?
Eb Dawson: That's a switch. He usually says, "What the - ?"
Lisa Douglas: I guess he's in more of a "Who the - ?" mood today.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [answering door] Yes?
Farmhand: Howdy. I'm from the pickin' pool.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The picking pool?
Farmhand: Yes sir. My name's Who-the. Harold Who-the.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa serves a bowl of water] ... What is that?
Lisa Douglas: Hot water soup.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hot water soup?
Lisa Douglas: Soup make out of hot water.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Just plain hot water?
Lisa Douglas: What else you put in a hot water soup?

"Green Acres: A Kind Word for the President (#3.6)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [to Oliver] Two weeks ago, you were nothing but a plain old farmer, planting your little seeds in the ground and watching them shoosting and now you are the president of the telephone company. Why, yours is a regular Horatio Algebra story!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Where's all the food you're gonna cook?
Lisa Douglas: [holds up small plastic bag containing white granules] In here.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh boy.
Lisa Douglas: This is a bag of Dee Dee's dehydrofacated Mason-Dixon chicken dinner.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Dee Dee's dehydrofacated - ?
Lisa Douglas: That means without water.

"Green Acres: The Carpenter's Ball (#6.22)" (1971)
Lisa Douglas: [about Ralph] Why don't you want to take her? Don't you like her?
Hank Kimball: Aww, she's not too bad. She's not too good either. Ah, well, she does have some nice, uh... Well, they're not really nice, uh... Well, they're not really nice, they're, uh... I'll say one thing for her: she's a mess!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [after the ball] Could we forget the whole thing? It was a shambles.
Lisa Douglas: It wasn't a complete shambles. You did come in third in the beauty contest.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I didn't enter the beauty contest. I was just walking by to get you a drink of water. Somebody pinned a ribbon on me.
Lisa Douglas: You could have won if you'd been nicer to the judges.

"Green Acres: The Hole in the Porch (#6.23)" (1971)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [caring for Kimball's swelling ankle] Lisa, will you get me an ice bag?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, that's a fine thing! He hurt his ankle and you want to cure your hangover!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you get me an ice bag, please?
Lisa Douglas: I threw it away?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why?
Lisa Douglas: The ice melted!

Lisa Douglas: [Ralph enters dressed in nurse's uniform] Ralph, you look very pretty in your nurse's outfit.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, where'd you get that outfit?
Ralph Monroe: Well, the Hooterville Little Theater group did a play called "The Nurse's Dilemma," and I was it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You certainly are.

"Green Acres: I Didn't Raise My Pig to Be a Soldier (#2.3)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [the "Written by" credit appears on-screen] Oliver! Whose names are those? Oliver!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Over here by the barn!
[the "Directed by" credit appears]
Lisa Douglas: Oliver! When I came out of the house, there were lots of names in front of me.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, there were some in front of me, too.

Lisa Douglas: I think Ralph was a little sad because they wouldn't take her in the army.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: She's still got the navy and the marines, good night.

"Green Acres: Lisa the Psychologist (#6.24)" (1971)
Registrar: Now, what course are you interested in?
Lisa Douglas: What have you got?
Registrar: Oh, we have a long list to choose from.
Lisa Douglas: May I see the menu?
Registrar: Uh, don't cha mean the curriculum?
Lisa Douglas: What's a cirricumum?
Registrar: [hands her the book] Here's the menu.

Lisa Douglas: [describing course on first day of class] Therefore, in a broad sense, psychology is the study of the inner self. We'll be going into this more specifically, going into many theories such as Freud's that all our dives are sex oriented.
Lisa Douglas: I didn't know this class was going to be about Oriental sex!

"Green Acres: My Husband, the Rooster Renter (#1.5)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: [to Haney, discussing Bertram not crowing] We didn't hear a peep out of him!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, he ain't a peeper. He's a crower.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He's not a crower. He's a pecker!

Lisa Douglas: All right darling, you can drive me to Hootersville now.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eh, sweetheart, as long as we're gonna live here, you should learn to pronounce the name of the town correctly: 'Hooterville'.
Lisa Douglas: All right, let's go to Hoosterville.
Eb Dawson: [Ed walks up] You going into Hoosterville?

"Green Acres: Who's Lisa? (#2.29)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: The television set is broken again.
Oliver Douglas: [reading a book] Oh? What's wrong with it?
Lisa Douglas: I don't know, the screen does funny things.
Oliver Douglas: Well, maybe it's a comedy program.
Lisa Douglas: I don't think so, it just has wiggly lines.
Oliver Douglas: Hm, maybe it's an eyeglass commercial.

Lisa Douglas: [cooking in the kitchen] Oliver! What are you doing up there?
Oliver Douglas: [visible through a hole in the ceiling] I'm hammering on some new shingles.
Lisa Douglas: Well, watch it. You just dropped a nail in one of my hotcakes.
Oliver Douglas: Leave it there, it'll dissolve.
Lisa Douglas: Well! That's the first time you insulted my hotcakes through a hole in the roof.
Oliver Douglas: I'll have to come up here more often.

"Green Acres: Where There's a Will (#5.3)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [asking about their rooster doing the opening credits] Did Charlie come in and crow the names this morning?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, and he did it very well, except the "Written by."
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are you two talking about?

Lisa Douglas: Mr. Haney, how can you prove that Arnold is related to Herman?
Eustace Charleton Haney: It's simple. I use the blood sample comparison method. Now if you'll step with me to the back of my mo-bile laboratory. I call it that because it was given to me by a grateful customer, Moe Bile.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, brother!
Eustace Charleton Haney: [forcibly dragging Oliver by the arm] That's just a little joke I use before escorting people to the back of the truck. It sorta takes the tension out of the air.
Lisa Douglas: [takes deep breath] Mmmmm, it works! I don't feel as tense as I did!

"Green Acres: The Best Laid Plans (#1.4)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: [in New York City] I just came back to ship our furniture to Green Acres.
Mother Eunice Douglas: Green Acres? You mean Yuck Manor.

Lisa Douglas: [Mother is appalled to learn Lisa has taken up cooking] I am sure there must be other women who cook for their husbands.
Lisa Douglas: [shaking her head] Nobody I know.

"Green Acres: Eb's Romance (#4.4)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb wants him to co-sign for his engagement ring] I don't sign anything unless I know what it is.
Eb Dawson: If I tell you want it is, you won't sign it.
Lisa Douglas: I'll sign it!
Eb Dawson: Thanks Mom!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop calling her Mom!
Eb Dawson: Well, if I call her Dad, you'll get jealous.

Eb Dawson: You only get engaged once.
Lisa Douglas: Who told you that!

"Green Acres: Uncle Ollie (#1.32)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: What are they?
Lisa Douglas: Hotcakes sandwiches.
Oliver Douglas: Hot cake sandwiches?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, two hotcakes with one hotcake in between.

Oliver Douglas: I'm gonna have a long talk with that nephew of yours.
Lisa Douglas: He's your nephew!
Oliver Douglas: I just gave him to you.

"Green Acres: The Road (#5.6)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, guess what? The town's taking up a collection for you for gettin' the road paved!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They are?
Eb Dawson: Yeah! They're goin' around to all the farms in the valley collectin' chicken feathers! And Mr. Ziffel's donatin' the tar!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Tar and feathers?
Lisa Douglas: Isn't that nice?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What's - ?
Eb Dawson: It's the only thing they could think of since Mr. Edmund left town. He was the only one who knew how to make a hangman's knot.

Lisa Douglas: [recognizes senator from the late, late show] Ohhh, you must be the fellow who was in Death Valley Days!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, that was Ronald Reagan.
Lisa Douglas: Who?
Senator Talbot: Ronald Regan. He's the governor of California.
Lisa Douglas: Well then, which movie star are you?
Senator Talbot: [smugly, as a star] Lyle Talbot!
Lisa Douglas: Oh. I guess I never saw you.

"Green Acres: The Special Delivery Letter (#5.9)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [guessing the contents of the letter] Oliver! Maybe you've been drafted!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, it's impossible!
Eb Dawson: No, sir. They're scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, Eb...
Eb Dawson: Of World War I!

Lisa Douglas: I remember when we lived in Hungary, my father got a special delivery letter telling him he was no longer the king.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your father wasn't the king!
Lisa Douglas: Not after he got that letter, he wasn't. We had to move out of the palace and he got a job as a waiter in an Italian restaurant. He had to go to school at night to learn a new accent.

"Green Acres: No Trespassing (#3.15)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: He's seeing things that aren't there.
Mother Eunice Douglas: [laughs] Is that all?
Lisa Douglas: Mother! It's serious!
Mother Eunice Douglas: It's hereditary. His father used to see pink elephants. He was a liberal Republican.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [at the lake] We won't go hungry after all. There are apples here.
Lisa Douglas: What are apple ears?

"Green Acres: The Wealthy Landowner (#5.25)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [reads his personal ad] Handsome, sophisticated, wealthy land owner looking for wealthy mate. Address all applications to Eb Dawson, wealthy landowner, Hooterville.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Wealthy landowner?
Eb Dawson: Well, I will be. You're gonna leave the farm to me, aren't you Dad?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I am not your Dad and I'm not leaving the farm to you.
Lisa Douglas: Well, you might as well. I don't want it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb wants him to pose as his butler] I'm not wearing a butler suit!
Eb Dawson: But she's expecting to see my servants! What'll I tell her?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Just tell her the truth.
Eb Dawson: Yeah. How does this sound? My butler and maid drank up all my champagne and got stoned, and I had to fire 'em!
Lisa Douglas: That sounds good to me.

"Green Acres: Music to Milk By (#2.30)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: Eleanor! What are you doing out of bed?
Eb Dawson: Yeah, go back to bed, you stupid cow! Double crosser! Radio eater!

Lisa Douglas: It's just like in the movies, Oliver: everything ends happily. The fellow kisses the girl, and the cow's stomach starts to play music.
Oliver Douglas: Yeah... Television has a long way to go to catch up.

"Green Acres: Eb Discovers the Birds and the Bees (#2.8)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: I guess that's why I love you. You're always hollering, but underneath you have a soft spot in your head.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Heart!
Lisa Douglas: There, too.

Lisa Douglas: It could be worse, she could be allergic to diamonds.

"Green Acres: Oliver and the Cornstalk (#5.12)" (1969)
Sam Drucker: [Lisa asks if he was able to order any caviar] No, but they told me they were coming out with a do it yourself caviar kit.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: A caviar kit?
Sam Drucker: Yeah, you cook up a box of tapioca and you stir in some licorice for color, and then add some sardine oil for the fish taste.
Lisa Douglas: Order me one of those!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [in bed, delivers another patriotic speech in bed while fife plays "Yankee Doodle" on soundtrack] Yes, I'm tired. But it's a proud tiredness. An American tiredness!
Lisa Douglas: [kisses him] Goodnight Oliver.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Good night dear.
Lisa Douglas: [turns off light, then turns it back on again] Oliver? Would you please tell the fellow to stop playing the fife. I want to go to sleep.

"Green Acres: The Free Paint Job (#6.15)" (1971)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [the dish looks as bad what Lisa cooked] You call that spaghetti and meatballs?
Waiter: Sorry, Mac. We just got a new Hungarian cook.
Lisa Douglas: Hungarian?
[stands up]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Where are you going?
Lisa Douglas: To say hello to the cook! He may be my mudder!

Lisa Douglas: [boiling spaghetti] How long has this been cooking?
Mr. Luster: An hour and fifteen minutes.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, that's good. My husband said it shouldn't cook too long.

"Green Acres: How to See South America by Bus (#2.4)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: Oh, where are you going all dressed up?
Oliver Douglas: Eh, off to work in the corn field.
Lisa Douglas: But isn't that one of your lawyer suits?
Oliver Douglas: Yes, I'm expecting a client.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, who?
Oliver Douglas: I don't know. Mr. Drucker said some farmer named Collins wants to talk to me on a legal matter.
Lisa Douglas: Well aren't you going to wait for him?
Oliver Douglas: No, no, I've got work to do. When he shows up, you send him on up, yeah?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, chief.
Oliver Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: Well isn't that what the secretary calls the boss?
Oliver Douglas: Yes, but...
Lisa Douglas: Anything else, chief?
Oliver Douglas: Eh, no.
[puts on his hat and heads for the door]
Lisa Douglas: Well aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?
Oliver Douglas: No, the boss doesn't kiss the secretary. His wife might not like it.
Lisa Douglas: Oh yes she would...
Oliver Douglas: No, we'd better be on the safe side.
[walks to the door and exits]
Lisa Douglas: I think I'm going to look for another job.

Lisa Douglas: Well, it seems that one of us made a mistake.
Oliver Douglas: Yes. You did.
Lisa Douglas: Well, I was hoping you didn't notice.

"Green Acres: Exodus to Bleedswell (#2.18)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [the writer's credits are superimposed over Oliver and Lisa asleep in their bed. Lisa wakes Oliver up] Do you know anybody called Jay Sommers or Dick Chevillat?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who?
Lisa Douglas: Well, I was just dreaming that their names were over us.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eb, would you mind telling me: What's the big attraction at Bleedswell?
Eb Dawson: They're opening a defense plant up there, and they're offering all kinds of inducements to get people to go there and work. Didn't you read the ads they ran in the World Guardian? Listen to this...
[reads from newspaper]
Eb Dawson: Join the Space Age! Work for Astro Digitronics, makers of the Mighty Mark Five Mokker Rocket. Astro Digitronics is located in carefree, smog-free Bleedswell, Home of the Sympathetic Draft Board.
Lisa Douglas: That's a nice thing to have.
Eb Dawson: [continuing to read] Astro Digitronics offers more fringe benefits than any other space age company, including: unlimited sick pay, free psychoanalysis, and a year's supply of cracked crab.

"Green Acres: Jealousy, English Style (#3.12)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [trying to explain to Lisa why she can't go] No, it's not a stag party. It's a farm symposium.
Lisa Douglas: What's a symposium?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, a lot of men sit around a long table and-...
Lisa Douglas: And the girl comes out of the cake.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No. No girl comes out of a cake!
Lisa Douglas: What does she come out of?

Tony Ashley: [being introduced to Lisa] How do you do?
Lisa Douglas: How do I do what?

"Green Acres: Uncle Fedor (#5.24)" (1970)
Hank Kimball: [to Fedor, who's poorly disguised in one of Lisa's fluffy housecoats] Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.
Lisa Douglas: I am Mrs. Douglas!
Hank Kimball: Oh?, Then, uh, who is this pretty little thing?
Lisa Douglas: This is my Aunt Fedor.
Hank Kimball: Oh, well, Aunt Fedor, you're the spitting image of Mrs. Douglas. Well, not the spitting image. You need a shave!

Lisa Douglas: [in bed with sleeping Oliver] Oliver, you want to wake up and watch the names?
[Executive Producer credit appears on screen]
Lisa Douglas: Oliver! You missed the Executive Producer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The Exec - Lisa, please.
[Writers credit appears, Lisa nudges Oliver]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: You blew the "Written By's," too!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, will you please let me sleep?
[Director credit appears, nudges Oliver]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What now?
Lisa Douglas: I just wanted to tell you that the names are all through and you can go back to sleep.

"Green Acres: One of Our Assemblymen Is Missing (#2.6)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: [runs into the house, shouting] Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Eb Dawson: You'd better get out of town.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why?
Eb Dawson: They're gonna tar and feather you for getting that tax refund.
Lisa Douglas: Darling, I'm so proud of you.

Lisa Douglas: [Lisa finds Oliver with a young woman in their hotel room] Well, what have we got here?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eh, this is Miss Hawkney, she's a public stenogropher.
Lisa Douglas: Then why is she stenographing here, in private?

"Green Acres: What Happened in Scranton? (#1.14)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: That's the problem with you men: all for one and no one for a beauty parlor.

Lisa Douglas: Mr. Ziffel, when was it the last time that you told your wife that she was beautiful?
Fred Ziffel: 1929.

"Green Acres: Never Trust a Little Old Lady (#2.14)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [angry] Oliver! One of these days you're going to be a little man and you'll come out of your own house and nobody is going to look at you because you're such a grouch!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [shouting] And that will be the happiest day of my life!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb is dressed for a drought in a swimsuit, jungle helmet & sunglasses] Eb, we've got to go to Pixley to pick up the tomato plants. Now take that stupid outfit off.
Eb Dawson: Pixley's a pretty big town. I ought to wear something.
Lisa Douglas: Eb's right. He might get arrested for undecent explosion.

"Green Acres: Oliver's Schoolgirl Crush (#5.10)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [to Mr. Wurthwaxer] Would you believe, I never went to high school. I had a private tutor who used to come over and toot me everyday.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa wants to go to the movies] What's playing?
Lisa Douglas: The Atomic Pizza.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The Atomic" - ?
Lisa Douglas: It's about this scientist who's in love with this Italian girl who owns her own pizza parlor. But she doesn't like him, so to get even with her, he pours some radioactive stuff on her pizza. This makes the pepperonis grow and before you know it pepperoni's rule the world!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sarcastically] Oh, that sounds like a real Jim Dandy.
Lisa Douglas: It's made by the same studio that made The Human Hamburger Goes to Hawaii. Remember that, where the hamburger was born with the brains and...

"Green Acres: You Ought to Be in Pictures (#2.10)" (1966)
James Stuart: [to Oliver, in the cornfield] Is this corn your worst crop?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, if you don't look at the soybeans and the beet.

Sam Drucker: Oh, guess who I was talking to long distance on the phone, not five minutes ago: Jimmy Stewart.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, I like him. Does he look as handsome on the phone as he does in the movies?

"Green Acres: It's Human to Be Humane (#2.19)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: I'm making hotscakes stew for the animals.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: And you call yourself president of the humane committee?

Lisa Douglas: [reminiscing about the past] In those days, when you came home, we used to sit down and talk over everything that happened during the day. You tell me all you did and I tell you all the mink coats I tried on.

"Green Acres: Getting Even with Haney (#2.26)" (1967)
Oliver Douglas: [Lisa proclaims it's "a week later"] I know it's a week later. You don't have to march in here and announce that.
Lisa Douglas: Well, that's how they always do it in the movies. It's either somebody comes in carrying a sign which says, "Here it is a week later." Or a calendar falls apart for a week. Or somebody comes out and says, "That week sure went by fast."

Oliver Douglas: They must think I'm some kind of a nut, trying to get me to believe that Arnold could possibly write a note like...
Lisa Douglas: Well, it's his handwriting.
Oliver Douglas: Oh, come on!

"Green Acres: The Hungarian Curse (#3.26)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [to Lazlo, over breakfast] What brings you to America?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sawing on Lisa's hotcakes unsuccessfully with a knife] Certainly not these miserable things!

Eb Dawson: [looking in the refrigerator] Is there any sauerkraut juice?
Lisa Douglas: No, I used the last of it to make the hotscakes.

"Green Acres: Neighborliness (#1.7)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: [making hotcakes] Would you like to turn them?
Mother Eunice Douglas: [appalled] I've never touched a kitchen utensil in my life!
Lisa Douglas: Dahling, cooking is fun!
Mother Eunice Douglas: Oh, poor darling. You've cracked under the strain.
Lisa Douglas: Mother, why don't you try to make yourself useful.
Mother Eunice Douglas: Oh, I fully intend to. I'm going to get a court order and have you taken out of here!

Newt Kiley: [Lisa come out onto the front porch] Doggone! You sure look purddy, Mrs. Douglas.
Lisa Douglas: Why, thank you!
Fred Ziffel: Oh, I wish my wife looked that pretty in the morning... or the afternoon... or the evening... or in the summer.

"Green Acres: The Deputy (#1.24)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [Lisa and Oliver are trying to get out of their car while handcuffed together] Well, when a husband stops opening doors the honeymoon is over.
Oliver Douglas: Lisa!
Lisa Douglas: I'm going to throw away my black nightgown...
Oliver Douglas: Oh, oh, oh!
[Oliver manages to open the door with one hand after all]

Lisa Douglas: Henriëtta, did your husband ever got you into a mess like this?
[Henrëtta the pigeon quietly coos]
Lisa Douglas: You see?
Oliver Douglas: Look, I don't care about her husband!
Lisa Douglas: That's a nice way to talk. Do you know where her husband is? In the army, carrying messages.

"Green Acres: The Case of the Hooterville Refund Fraud (#5.21)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [looking at Oliver's refund check] Oh, $84.72! That's three dollars more than you made last year.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I made over 800 last year! And I paid too much income tax; this is the refund.
Lisa Douglas: Why don't you let them keep the refund and send you the $800.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, they wouldn't...
Lisa Douglas: Well, if you could cheat for $84, you could cheat for $800.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I did not cheat!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [unable to get the locals to return the money] They're going to invest the money in Mr. Haney's monkey racing track.
Fred Feldinger: What is that?
Lisa Douglas: It's a track where the monkeys race around chasing a wooden banana.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You know about them?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, yes. They had them all over Budapest. It was the biggest sport in Hungary. Well, not the biggest sport. The biggest sport was - Well, the government put a stop to that, too.
Fred Feldinger: Uh, what one was that?
Lisa Douglas: Goulash betting.

"Green Acres: Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel (#3.3)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: You don't know anything about love, do you?
Oliver Douglas: Well, I am not an expert at it, I have looked at Peyton Place a couple of times.

Lisa Douglas: Well, I've never seen such inhospitootily.
Oliver Douglas: That's my middle name: inhospitootily.

"Green Acres: The Ugly Duckling (#2.5)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: You're disturbing Ralph's beauty sleep!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: She could sleep for six years, it wouldn't make any...

Eb Dawson: Morning! Breakfast ready?
Lisa Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.
Lisa Douglas: We're not having any hotscakes this morning.
Oliver Douglas: No hotcakes?
Lisa Douglas: I've made something different.
Oliver Douglas: Hey, wonderful!
Eb Dawson: Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.
Oliver Douglas: Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.
Lisa Douglas: Here we are.
[Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet]
Eb Dawson: Any hotcakes left over from yesterday?
Lisa Douglas: You don't like it?
Eb Dawson: I don't know. What is it?
Lisa Douglas: Well what does it look like?
Oliver Douglas: It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.
Lisa Douglas: That's the last time I ever cook you a Spanish omelette.

"Green Acres: Eb Uses His Ingenuity (#4.23)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: I need a new dress for the dance.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, you've got...
Lisa Douglas: All I need is $3000.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, you have to be out of your mind! $3000 for a dress?
Lisa Douglas: The dress is only $400, but the rest is for the plane ticket to go to Paris and to get it.

Lisa Douglas: Who's band is playing for the dance?
Sam Drucker: We were gonna have Guy Lombardo, but somebody lost the records.

"Green Acres: A Tale of a Tail (#5.4)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [reading story from newspaper] Arnold will be accompanied to Chicago by Oliver Wendell Douglas, the famous pig lawyer!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [irritated] Pig lawyer?
Lisa Douglas: And when you went to Harvard they said you wouldn't amount to anything.

Baggage Man: [Arnold grabs his bag at airport claim] Where's his check?
Lisa Douglas: He ate it.
Baggage Man: I'm sorry, no baggage without a check!
Eb Dawson: You'd better show a little more respect to Arnold! You know what he's worth?
Baggage Man: Ah, with the current piece of pork, I'd say about thirty bucks!

"Green Acres: Guess Who's Not Going to the Luau? (#4.1)" (1968)
Mr. Robertson: You're a pig lawyer?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [hating to be called that] I resent...
Lisa Douglas: There's nothing to resent. He's the best pig lawyer in the entire state!

Lisa Douglas: [Oliver tells her to stop interrupting] He always treats me like a child. Except on Saturday nights when I mix the martinis.

"Green Acres: The Rummage Sale (#4.2)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver has broken his leg] This is a fine honeymoon you've got me into!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm sorry, Lisa.
Lisa Douglas: I never would have married you if I'd known you were accident prune.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Prone!
Lisa Douglas: That's what you are. A prone prune!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [walks into bedroom] Lisa, have you seen the - What are all my clothes doing on the bed?
Lisa Douglas: I'm giving them to the old clothes sale.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's my whole wardrobe!
Lisa Douglas: You're very generous!

"Green Acres: You and Your Big Shrunken Head (#5.5)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [with Arnold, from back of train upon returning to Hooterville] Wait a second! He's got a speech! He wrote it on the back of an envelope. He got the idea reading a book about Abraham Lincoln.
Lisa Douglas: Who's he?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He was the president of the United States.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, I thought that was George Washington.
Hank Kimball: Oh, no ma'am. George Washington is a bridge across the Hudson River.

"Green Acres: Lisa Bakes a Cake (#1.18)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver has begun finding objects mistakenly baked into Lisa's poundcake] One of my earrings are missing.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your earrings?
[pulls earring out of cake]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: This one? Anything else?
Lisa Douglas: The frying pan.

"Green Acres: The Ballad of Molly Turgiss (#1.26)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, frying pans and coffee pots don't go flying around by themselves. Wait a minute... there's a word for that: poltergeist.
Lisa Douglas: What is that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, it's a supernatural phenomenon.
Lisa Douglas: What is that, stupid unnatural phenomenemon?

"Green Acres: The Price of Apples (#1.20)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: [holding an apple from one of his orchard] Lisa, taste it!
Lisa Douglas: Are we going to play Adam and Eve?

"Green Acres: Arnold, Boy Hero (#3.20)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [mistaking the robbers for laborers] Oh, you must be the fellows Mr. Kimball said. You were supposed to go right to the orchid.
Barney: The orchid?
Lisa Douglas: Where they grow the apples.
Clyde: Oh. The apple orchid.
Lisa Douglas: Yes, why, aren't you the apple picklers?
Barney: Yeah, that's right lady. We're the apple picklers.

"Green Acres: Enterprising Eb (#6.9)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [discussing Eb] You know, he reminds me of you when we wanted to get married and you were trying to make money as a lawyer, and you threw your first case.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I didn't throw it. I lost it.
Lisa Douglas: The judge said the only way to lose that case was to throw it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa!

"Green Acres: Don't Call Us, We'll Call You (#1.10)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: We're having eggs this morning.
Mr. Haney: Eggs from little Alice. I told you when I sold that hen to ya, that she was a layer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [rolls eyes] Hah!
Lisa Douglas: I left her a note to make us three eggs, and she made us four!
Mr. Haney: Well she probably just don't recognize your handwriting yet.

"Green Acres: A Royal Love Story (#6.4)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [giving Oliver a tour of Paris] That is the famous Eiffel Tower, built by Sam Tower, in 1927.

"Green Acres: Hawaiian Honeymoon (#6.25)" (1971)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: We've already had a second honeymoon, and a third, and a fourth.
Lisa Douglas: Why don't we make this a fifth, which is one of your favorite bottles.

"Green Acres: Lisa's First Day on the Farm (#1.2)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, you wouldn't be needing a hired hand, would you?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, no, I'm planning on farming this place myself.
Eb Dawson: You ever done any farming?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [proudly] Oh, a little.
Lisa Douglas: Dahling, don't be so modest. My husband had the biggest squash on Park Avenue!

"Green Acres: I Didn't Raise My Husband to Be a Fireman (#1.17)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver returns after responding to a "fire rocket"] Where's your helmet?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They took it away from me because I didn't bring my guitar.

"Green Acres: The Wish-Book (#5.14)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [describes Tessie] And from what I have heard, she strongly resembled you, Mrs. Douglas. She was as purddy as a birch tree in a field of rhododendrons.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Rhododendrons?
Eustace Charleton Haney: And like you Mrs. Douglas, she came from the old country.
Lisa Douglas: What old country?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Any old country. She couldn't get a passport.

"Green Acres: Sprained Ankle, Country Style (#1.19)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, you didn't let Ralph blow her buggle.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I don't care if she blows her brains out. I am not paying them until this room is finished!

"Green Acres: Alf and Ralph Break Up (#3.14)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver is upset when Ralph, a great cook, goes back to her brother] If food means that much to you maybe you should find someone else.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, when you married me you knew I couldn't cook, sew, keep house. All I could do was speak Hungarian and do impressions of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who?

"Green Acres: Beauty Is Skin Deep (#5.13)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [plans to order her cosmetics from the Lady Love company] I think they make very good cosmeteticals.
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pitching his brand] Not according to an independent survey made in a small Midwestern town where half of the women were given Lady Love hand creme to use on their hands and the other half were given my hand creme. And would you believe, in my group there was not a single cavity?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What has that got to do with...

"Green Acres: Oliver's Double (#6.10)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [holding dictionary] I can't hold my silence any longer!
[points at Oliver]
Eb Dawson: That man there is a philanthropist!
[looks confused]
Eb Dawson: No, that's not right.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, for the love...
Eb Dawson: Philanderer!
Lisa Douglas: You mean he gives money away?
Eb Dawson: Uh, no ma'am.
[from dictionary]
Eb Dawson: It says right here: philanderer, one who is guilty of hanky-panky!

"Green Acres: Trapped (#5.16)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [discovering the room under the house] Oh, uh, it looks like it was used for a root cellar.
Lisa Douglas: What is that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, farmers used them to store turnips and potatoes and things like that through the winter.
Lisa Douglas: Oh. We had something like this in Hungary except it was called goulash cellar.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Goulash cellar?
Lisa Douglas: Yes. My mother used to fix up this goulash, then, when she didn't feel like cooking, she would go down in the cellar and get a pots full.

"Green Acres: The Cow Killer (#5.19)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [having been accused of shooting Colby's cow] You're out of your mind!
Lisa Douglas: No, Oliver. You're the one who's out of your mind. That's how we're going to get you off. You're going to plead temporary insanintation.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sarcastically] Yeah. There's always been a streak of insanitation in my family.

"Green Acres: Rest and Relaxation (#5.15)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [explaining to a frightened Mort that Arnold the Pig comes over every day to watch TV] Yes. His father, Mr. Ziffel, only has a black and white set at home.
Mort Warner: You-you mean there's an older pig who owns a black and white TV set?
Lisa Douglas: No, no. His father isn't an older pig. He's an older man. Arnold is the Ziffels' only child.
Mort Warner: [stuttering] Only child?
Lisa Douglas: Well, they had a daughter, but she ran away with another goat.
Mort Warner: Another goat?
Lisa Douglas: Yes. How do you like Hooterville so far?

"Green Acres: You Can't Plug in a 2 with a 6 (#1.9)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: [to Oliver who's holding up an electric iron] What's that for?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Haven't you ever used this?
Lisa Douglas: Oh yes. To hold the door open.

"Green Acres: Das Lumpen (#3.10)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [explains how she got her father's permission to marry Oliver] I lied to him. I told him that you were really a wealthy Austrailian and that you hid all your money in the kangaroo pouches. But that you weren't a very good judge of kangaroos because they all ran away with your money.

"Green Acres: An Old-Fashioned Christmas (#2.13)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: What shall I do with the corns I strung for you?
Oliver Douglas: Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them.
Lisa Douglas: Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar.
Oliver Douglas: Caviar?
Lisa Douglas: We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other...
Oliver Douglas: Oh, for...
Lisa Douglas: And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'

"Green Acres: Oliver's Jaded Past (#3.25)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver's received an offer from his old law firm] I wouldn't live here for anything!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: But you're the one who always wanted to move back here?
Lisa Douglas: That was before I saw what New York does to you. It turns you from a Dr. Jerky into a Mr. Hive.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are you talking...
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, there are two yous: the New York you and the Hootersville you, and I prefer you when you're Dr. Jerky, which is the Hooterville you.

"Green Acres: Flight to Nowhere (#3.21)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa is cooking] What's that mess?
Lisa Douglas: They're croissants.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They are?
Lisa Douglas: Well, they aren't official French croissants. I made them out of hotcake batter.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I must say your hotcake batter has an international flavor, which is about the only flavor it does have.

"Green Acres: The Man for the Job (#3.1)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [after the credits have disappeared from the hotcakes and toast] The names just stay on long enough for their mothers to see them.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, Have you been sniffing your paprika again?

"Green Acres: Happy Birthday (#5.26)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I don't wanna do anything on my birthday. No parties. Nothing. Just let the day pass quietly without any fuss. Well, maybe after dinner we can pop open a bottle of champagne.
Lisa Douglas: How about a birthday cake?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hmmm. A birthday cake's fine.
Lisa Douglas: How many girls do want to come out of it?

"Green Acres: The Beeping Rock (#5.23)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [showing the Moon rocks on the back of his truck] Them two big ones are Mars rocks.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Mars rocks?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Hurled at me by an unfriendly flying saucer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, boy!
Lisa Douglas: They don't look like the ones we have.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Uh, that's because most of these come from the dark side of the moon.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh? How were they found?
Eustace Charleton Haney: With a flashlight.

Return to Green Acres (1990) (TV)
Art Dealer: How may we be of service? I'm Dorian Pinzer.
Lisa Douglas: How do you do, Mr. Doberman Pinscher. I'm Lisa Douglas.

"Green Acres: A Star Named Arnold Is Born: Part 2 (#3.30)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [Arnold's poses poolside wearing sunglasses with Oliver holding his drink] Oliver, don't hold the glass so high. You're hiding Arnold's face.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm doing him a favor!

"Green Acres: The Blue Feather (#4.11)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa explains the blue feather curse] Oh, here we go with another silly Hungarian superstition.
Lisa Douglas: You wouldn't say it was silly if you saw what happened to my uncle after she got the blue feather.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your uncle after she got - ?
Lisa Douglas: He used to be my aunt. That was only the beginning. The next thing that happened to him was he grew a tail!

"Green Acres: The Coming-Out Party (#6.2)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [pointing out the opening credits to Lori] Now watch carefully. First comes the Executive Producer.
[Executive Producer credit appears on screen]
Lisa Douglas: I don't know why he comes first. He must be a relative or something. Now comes the "Written by's."
[Writers credits appear on screen]
Lisa Douglas: They're number two, so they have to try harder. Now comes the most important one, "Directed by."
[Director credit appears on screen]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [walking into room] What are you two looking at?
Lori Baker: Mrs. Douglas is showing me the names.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What names?
Lisa Douglas: The ones we see once in a while.

"Green Acres: Never Take Your Wife to a Convention (#2.20)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [about the Douglas' farm] This is the way it was when we bought it.
Charlie: [takes Lisa's hand] Oh, you poor kid. And all the time we were dancing, you were smilin' and laughin', knowin' you had to come back to this.
Lisa Douglas: I also cried a little.

"Green Acres: The Picnic (#5.22)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pitching his picnic package] Now, the picnic basket also contains this plastic chocolate layered cake.
Lisa Douglas: What's that for?
Eustace Charleton Haney: I'm glad you asked that.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to Haney] You would have told her anyway.
Eustace Charleton Haney: This is my patented ant attractor. You just place it on the ground at least five feet away from where you're eating, and the ants are attracted by the life-like look of the cake. And while you eat in peace, they're breaking their little teeth on the plastic.

"Green Acres: Eb Elopes (#3.8)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [reading the elopement note left by Eb] The girl and I have been fairly good friends for years. I can't tell you her name because I don't want her father to know.
Lisa Douglas: That's strange. You'd think her father would know her name.

"Green Acres: A Pig in a Poke (#1.23)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: Darling, where is the trunk?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What do you need the trunk for? We're only gonna be there a week.
Lisa Douglas: Well we can't check into the Ritz Plaze with only 12 suitcases, everybody's going to think we're nobodies.

"Green Acres: Hail to the Fire Chief (#4.3)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [to Oliver] Well, just because you're deputy fire cheese doesn't mean you can yell at everybody!

"Green Acres: The City Kids (#6.1)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [ridiculing Oliver's crops] I never saw corn growing until we moved out here four years ago. Come to think of it, I still haven't seen it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Are you two through with your sarcasm?
Eb Dawson: Not yet. Mention your tomatoes.
Lisa Douglas: Or your apples.
Eb Dawson: Or your squash.
Lisa Douglas: Or your carrots.
Eb Dawson: Or we can succotash the whole thing up and make one big sarcasm out of it.

"Petticoat Junction: Joe Carson, General Contractor (#3.5)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, how could you possibly have made a deal with Mr. Carson?
Lisa Douglas: But, he made such good sense.
Kate Bradley: Uncle Joe made good sense?
Lisa Douglas: Yes. He agreed with everything I said.

"Green Acres: The Marital Vacation (#4.15)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb fears the Douglases are breaking up] She's not leaving me. We're taking a vacation from each other because we're beginning to get on each other's nerves.
Eb Dawson: You get on my nerves, and I don't want to take a vacation from you!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, Eb...
Lisa Douglas: [arrives at the car] I'm ready.
Eb Dawson: [drops to his knees and begs] Please Mom, don't go! Dad's sorry! That other woman didn't really mean anything to him!
Lisa Douglas: What other woman!

"Green Acres: A Star Named Arnold Is Born: Part 1 (#3.29)" (1968)
Eb Dawson: [reading one of Arnold the Pig's reviews] The Pixley Press says he's the greatest thing to hit the stage since Laurence Olivier.
Lisa Douglas: They did?
Eb Dawson: Yes! Who is she?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's a he, and how dare they compare a pig to a great actor!
Eb Dawson: The Ziffels sure are excited about him. They always wanted Arnold to be a veterinarian, but now they've decided to let him take up acting as a career!

"Green Acres: Oh, Promise Me (#4.22)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb refuses to give Oliver his letters] Will you stop censoring my mail!
Eb Dawson: They're bills, and I know what a foul mood they always put you in.
Lisa Douglas: [to Eb] You're absolutely right!
Eb Dawson: It's better to censor your mail than it is to have to censor your language.
Lisa Douglas: [to Eb] You're absolutely right!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa! I don't need you telling him that he's right!
Eb Dawson: [to Oliver] You're absolutely right!.

"Green Acres: The Rains Came (#1.30)" (1966)
Judge Clemens: Madam, would you mind being seated?
Lisa Douglas: I, I talk better standing up.

"Green Acres: The High Cost of Loving (#6.11)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When you first mentioned marriage to me, what did I tell you?
Eb Dawson: You told me marriage was like living in a concentration camp.
Lisa Douglas: Well!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I never said that!
Eb Dawson: Yes, you did.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When?
Eb Dawson: Right after you said, "If you're getting married for companionship, save your money. Buy a dog."
Lisa Douglas: Well!

"Green Acres: The Wedding Deal (#6.17)" (1971)
Mr. Wheeler: I suppose the wedding ceremorny ain't sacred to you! Anybody who'd get married in a laundrymat!
Lisa Douglas: When did you get married in a laundrymat?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I never got married...
Mr. Wheeler: Eb told me, he said they gave you a year's supply of detergent!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's an outright lie!
Lisa Douglas: Who did you give the detergent to?

"Green Acres: Law Partners (#4.17)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You know, here a man can practice the law of Abraham Lincoln.
[a fife begins playing "Glory Glory Hallelujah" in the background]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You know, it was in a town no bigger than this where Lincoln first hung out his shingle, dedicating his life to bringing the protection of the law to all people, regardless of race, creed or color.
Lisa Douglas: [noticing soundtrack] Oliver, the fife player has a new tune!

"Green Acres: King Oliver I (#6.20)" (1971)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [writing irate letter over the tax increase] Why don't you write a letter to the governor! Everybody in town ought to write one!
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, remember the last time you told everybody in town to write to the electristical company?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah! It got action, didn't it!
Lisa Douglas: Yes. They cut off our electristical.

"Green Acres: Four of Spades (#5.7)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [scoffing at Lisa's fortune telling] I'm not interested in that nonsense.
Lisa Douglas: Nonsense? It's a lucky thing you're not a Hungarian, or you'd be in big trouble with the Gypsies.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [disinterested] Wow. That's...
Lisa Douglas: Do you know what they do to you for making fun of fortune telling? They turn you into a chicken!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: A chick - ?
Lisa Douglas: Or a duck, or a goose. When they get mad, there's no telling what they do to you. They turned a girlfriend of mine into a rabbit. She's working in the Playboy club in Budapest.

"Green Acres: Home Is Where You Run Away From (#3.18)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [explaining to the little boy about Oliver] "When you get used to the fact that he's a sorehead, you'll get to like him."

"Green Acres: The Great Mayoralty Campaign (#6.6)" (1970)
Ralph Monroe: [parading through town as Lady Godiva on a horse] Where is everybody?
Lisa Douglas: Don't worry. They can't stay in hiding forever.

"Green Acres: Haney's New Image (#3.13)" (1967)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to charm Lisa into moving from their house] Manys a'time I said said to myself it's a shame to keep a beautiful pigeon like you cooped up in this dump.
Lisa Douglas: Manys a'time I said the same thing to Mr. Douglas.
Eustace Charleton Haney: I'll bet you'd be willing to move at the drop of a hat.
Lisa Douglas: Yea, I would, but Mr. Douglas isn't much of a hat dropper.

"Green Acres: My Mother, the Countess (#3.22)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [explaining how her father became a count] He had something on the king.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What king?
Lisa Douglas: The one who forgot to pull down the shades at the palace.

"Green Acres: Everywhere a Chick Chick (#4.14)" (1969)
Sam Drucker: [tearfully recounting the trials of the heroine on the soap "Tomorrow Will Be Brighter"] She could hardly read the letter she got from her boyfriend.
Lisa Douglas: The jockey?
Sam Drucker: No, no. The one who was sick all the time. He wrote her to tell her he was a'runnin' off with the lady druggist. He didn't really love her; it was the only way he could figure to get his medicines at a discount.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Mr. Drucker, if you don't mind, I'd like to order...
Lisa Douglas: Just a minute. I want to find out what's going to happen to that poor woman.
Sam Drucker: Oh, things are gonna get worse, much worse. Some NUT talked her into raisin' chickens!

"Green Acres: The Youth Center (#5.8)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: I always used to say to my father the king, "My father the king," I used to say to him...
Oliver Douglas: Your father was never a king.
Lisa Douglas: Then why did we live in a castle?
Oliver Douglas: You never lived in a castle.
Lisa Douglas: Then why did the knights come over for dinner?
Oliver Douglas: What knights?
Lisa Douglas: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but not Thursday because that was the maid's night out. Or was that when the knights made out?

"Green Acres: The Good Old Days (#2.7)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, Mr. Thompson lists a few things here that a farmer should look for in a wife: she should be strong of limb, have good wind, large hands and sturdy legs.
Lisa Douglas: If that's what you want, you should have married my father.