Oliver Wendell Douglas
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Quotes for
Oliver Wendell Douglas (Character)
from "Green Acres" (1965)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Green Acres: The Saucer Season (#2.25)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [advising Eb not to tell the newspaper his UFO story] You know, it's all right to tell the two of us about your wild hallucinations, but if this gets into print, it's going to confirm what a lot of people have always thought: you're a dingbat.

Eb Dawson: Mind if I have lunch with you kids?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What do you got there?
Eb Dawson: The hamburger Stuffy brought back.
[cut to Stuffy the scarecrow]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: How can he bring back a hamburger when he...
Eb Dawson: [turns to Stuffy] You forgot the ketchup!
[turns back to Oliver]
Eb Dawson: Boy, sometimes I think he's got sawdust in his head.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: The next time you have a picnic...
[blows out a candle]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: ... bring some food!
Lisa Douglas: Well, if you're hungry, I turn on the radio.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What good will that do?
Lisa Douglas: Maybe you'll hear something good to eat.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to Eb] Now here's a real UFO: Unidentified Food Object.
Lisa Douglas: Just for that, no more hotcakes!
[takes the hotcake and puts it on a pile]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You do love me!

Hank Kimball: There's been three saucer sightings in these parts in the last month! Well, actually, there were only two. Eh, one was a flying shoebox sighting.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Shoebox?
Hank Kimball: Well, it was shaped like a shoebox, only bigger. It was oblong, had a lotta windows, and there were about 50 people inside. Turned out to be a low flying bus.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, why did you make four different pots of coffee? Why didn't you just put the sugar bowl and the cream pitcher on the table?
Lisa Douglas: [matter of factly] I broke them.

Lisa Douglas: My husband was in the airforce, too.
Lieutenant Bennett: Yes, eh, he told me. Eb, when you...
Lisa Douglas: His uniform didn't fit as good as yours. His was baggy in the seat.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That was my parachute.


"Green Acres: The Computer Age (#2.21)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: In the future, all farmers will not have to depend on people like myself to get information about farming. I will be replaced by a computer.
Oliver Douglas: I'll drink to that.

Oliver Douglas: Lisa, open the door!
Lisa Douglas: I'm sorry, 723, but I can't allow any strangers in my bedroom.

Oliver Douglas: [Oliver opens the front door holding his nose] Oh, good morning, Mr. Haney.
Mr. Haney: [grabs his own nose] Pepperdink.
Oliver Douglas: What?
Mr. Haney: Pepperdink!
Oliver Douglas: [lets go of his nose] What are you talking about?
Mr. Haney: How come you know the secret sign but you don't know the password?

Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas, I ask you: do you believe it's possible for one o' them computers to tell us farmers what to plant?
Oliver Douglas: Yes, it is.
Fred Ziffel: Well, if you believe that, you're a bigger fruitcake then he is.
[indicating Hank Kimball]
Oliver Douglas: Mr. Ziffel, I...
Fred Ziffel: You're suffering from swiffeled raisins.
Oliver Douglas: There is nothing wrong with my raisins!
Hank Kimball: I'll drink to that.

Ralph Monroe: Well then I can't get married.
Oliver Douglas: Is that what you wanted the eighteen dollars for, a big wedding?
Ralph Monroe: No, it's to find a husband.
Lisa Douglas: In my experience, there are very few good eighteen dollar husbands. Mr. Douglas was a sixhundred dollar job.


"Green Acres: Oliver Takes Over the Phone Company (#3.5)" (1967)
Mr. Roy Trendell: [informing Oliver that his mother has quit as operator] She wouldn't work for him after he stole the company from me.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are you talking about? I didn't steal the company from you. You-you-you gave it to me!
Mr. Roy Trendell: That's not Mom's version. She's going around telling everybody how you got me drunk, lured me into a poker game and won the company from me with a marked deck!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: That's the way he won me from the count. Only that time he did it with loaded dice.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, would you go over to Drucker's and get a broom and some dust cloths.
Lisa Douglas: Did you ever run for dictator of anything?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Go!

Lisa Douglas: [reading an incomplete sign on the Hotterville Telephone Company windo] 'Ervice is ur mott.' Do you know what that means in Hungarian? It means that the customer is chopped liver.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's supposed to read 'Service is our motto.'
Lisa Douglas: Oh? Do you know what that means in Hungarian?
[Oliver walks to the door]
Lisa Douglas: Don't you want to know it? It's very sexy. People only say it to each other.

Hank Kimball: [Kimball's hand is caught in a trap] Boy, these rhinoceros traps really work, huh?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Rhinoceros?
Hank Kimball: Yeah. See, right there.
[reading the lettering on the trap]
Hank Kimball: Rhinoceros brand traps. Now there's their motto right there, heh. 'A Rhinoceros trap really grabs ya'. The motto was written by the same person who wrote the motto on the window 'Ervice is ur mott'.
[slyly]
Hank Kimball: Know what that means in Portuguese?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I haven't the slightest idea.
Hank Kimball: Right! I didn't know you understood Portuguese.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eh, did you fix the switchboard?
Mr. McGurney: Well you see, I don't know much about switchboards, I'm an electrician. Well, that is I'm a part-time electrician, I'm really a taxidermist but this is my slack season.


"Green Acres: Uncle Ollie (#1.32)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: Chuck says he sleeps till two o'clock in the afternoon. He's gonna teach me how to do it.
Oliver Douglas: There's one thing you don't need: that's lazy lessons. Now get to work!

Hank Kimball: What are they?
Lisa Douglas: Hotcakes sandwiches.
Oliver Douglas: Hot cake sandwiches?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, two hotcakes with one hotcake in between.

Oliver Douglas: I'm gonna have a long talk with that nephew of yours.
Lisa Douglas: He's your nephew!
Oliver Douglas: I just gave him to you.

Oliver Douglas: [Mr. Haney demands $ 48,50 for damages] Could we make that an even amount?
Mr. Haney: Sure!
Oliver Douglas: [reaches into his pocket] Here's, eh, 50 cents.

Chuck: Hey unc, eh, where'd ya get this thing from, Ben Hur?
Oliver Douglas: This is a tractor.
Chuck: Oh. What does it do?
Oliver Douglas: Right now, nothing.


"Green Acres: Kimball Gets Fired (#2.27)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [Lisa is pushing a vacuum cleaner around the front room of the house] Would you put your foot up... your foots up? Put your feets up.
Oliver Douglas: What's the matter with the vacuum?
Lisa Douglas: Nothing.
Oliver Douglas: It's not making any noise.
Lisa Douglas: Well it only makes a noise when it's plugged in.
Oliver Douglas: Well if it's not plugged in, it's not going to pick up the dirt.
Lisa Douglas: There isn't any dirt.
Oliver Douglas: Well then why are you vacuuming?
Lisa Douglas: I am not! It's not plugged in!

Oliver Douglas: You're kidding.
Hank Kimball: About what?
Oliver Douglas: About being fired.
Hank Kimball: Oh, no, Mr. Douglas, I wouldn't kid about losing the only job I ever had.

Oliver Douglas: Lisa, would you do me a favor? Will you keep your big Hungarian nose out of this?
[leaves]
Lisa Douglas: Well, that's the last time I ever marry him!

Oliver Douglas: Where's your brother?
Alf Monroe: She's outside.
Ralph Monroe: [appears in the closet] Yes and I'm not coming in!
Oliver Douglas: What?
Ralph Monroe: This place has too many memories!
[leaves, close to tears]
Oliver Douglas: Oh, for the... What's wrong with her?
Ralph Monroe: She has a calcium deficiency.

Sam Drucker: [about Schmidlapp] What'd he say to make you mad, Mr. Douglas?
Oliver Douglas: He knocked my corn.
Newt Kiley: Oh, he shouldn't a done that...
Fred Ziffel: No. Them skinny stalks couldn't stand much knockin'.


"Green Acres: Exodus to Bleedswell (#2.18)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [upon seeing Kimball at the airplane factory] Don't tell me you work here!
Hank Kimball: [holding a box of dirt and some bamboo] Yes, I'm the plant manager. I manage these plants.

Lisa Douglas: [the writer's credits are superimposed over Oliver and Lisa asleep in their bed. Lisa wakes Oliver up] Do you know anybody called Jay Sommers or Dick Chevillat?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who?
Lisa Douglas: Well, I was just dreaming that their names were over us.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Alf and Ralph have started working while Oliver and Lisa are still in bed] Hold it! What do you think you're doing?
Alf Monroe: We were gonna try to finish the bedroom for ya by twelve o'clock.
Ralph Monroe: That's when the bus leaves for Bleedswell.
Alf Monroe: We're going up there to get a job in the defence plan.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You can go now!
Ralph Monroe: [Alf and Ralph drop their tools on the bed] Just for that, I'm not gonna kiss you goodbye.
[a beat]
Ralph Monroe: Come on, Alf.
Alf Monroe: Wait a minute.
[turns to Oliver]
Alf Monroe: Would you care to pay us for all the beautiful work we've done on this room?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I wouldn't.
Alf Monroe: Just for that I'm not gonna kiss you goodbye either.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [shouting] Out!

Sam Drucker: Mr. Douglas, town council met last night and we voted to reopen the Hooterville Airplane Company that we had here during the war.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [still groggy, having just waken up] The Hooterville Airplane Air...
Sam Drucker: [continuing] And for suggesting it, we're making you president.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You're making me...
Roy Trendell: [interrupting] Don't he ever finish a sentence?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well I...
Roy Trendell: There he goes again!
Sam Drucker: Roy!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eb, would you mind telling me: What's the big attraction at Bleedswell?
Eb Dawson: They're opening a defense plant up there, and they're offering all kinds of inducements to get people to go there and work. Didn't you read the ads they ran in the World Guardian? Listen to this...
[reads from newspaper]
Eb Dawson: Join the Space Age! Work for Astro Digitronics, makers of the Mighty Mark Five Mokker Rocket. Astro Digitronics is located in carefree, smog-free Bleedswell, Home of the Sympathetic Draft Board.
Lisa Douglas: That's a nice thing to have.
Eb Dawson: [continuing to read] Astro Digitronics offers more fringe benefits than any other space age company, including: unlimited sick pay, free psychoanalysis, and a year's supply of cracked crab.


"Green Acres: Oliver Buys a Farm (#1.1)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'd take a little seed, a tiny little seed, I'd, I'd plant it in the ground, I'd put some dirt on it, I'd water it, and pretty soon, do you know what I'd have?
Lisa Douglas: A dirty little wet seed.

Lisa Douglas: What is that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's a sunlamp! I bought it today. The corn is not getting enough sun, it can't get through the smog.

Lisa Douglas: [Oliver is about to leave for the airport] Haven't you forgotten something?
[meaning a goodbye kiss]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [putting down his suitcase and reaching into a fancy cabinet] My 'Farm Gazette'!

Mother: [to Lisa] I told you not to marry him, I warned you.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, who's side are you on, anyway?
Mother: Hers!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: But you're *my* mother!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [driving through Hooterville] Hmm, you never smelled air like that in the city.
Lisa Douglas: No I didn't. What is that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sniffles] Oh, that's Fred Ziffel's. He runs a pig farm.
Lisa Douglas: He should run it in another direction.


"Green Acres: Never Trust a Little Old Lady (#2.14)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: ...The nut on television is predicting rain! The numbskull on the radio is singing a song about the drought! Isn't there anybody around here who can give you accurate weather information?
Hank Kimball: Of course - if you want fast, accurate, up-to-the-minute weather information, you just pick up the phone and call me, and I'll give you the latest scientific forecast.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You have a weather station?
Hank Kimball: No... an almanac.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You go by - ?
Hank Kimball: Richard Poor's - founded and written by Franklin Benjamin. I've found the almanac to be almost infallible. Well, not almost - and not infallible - it's usually right some of the time. Now, here's what it says for last night: "Salads are made, salads are tossed, don't plant tomatoes because of the frost."
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The almanac predicted the frost last night? What does it say about today?... "Today's the day for hunting grouse, so get your tomatoes out of the house."!
Hank Kimball: Well, I guess you know what to do now.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, I do - but there's a law against it!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Are you gonna take my tomato plants to Hooterville?
Charlie Pratt: No, sir.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [turn to Floyd] If I get a truck, will you help Eb load 'em?
Floyd Smoot: [wearing beach clothes] No, sir. I ain't gonna get no sunstroke.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [turns back to Charlie] Would you?
Charlie Pratt: [wearing a life jacket] No sir, I can't swim.

Lisa Douglas: [angry] Oliver! One of these days you're going to be a little man and you'll come out of your own house and nobody is going to look at you because you're such a grouch!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [shouting] And that will be the happiest day of my life!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb is dressed for a drought in a swimsuit, jungle helmet & sunglasses] Eb, we've got to go to Pixley to pick up the tomato plants. Now take that stupid outfit off.
Eb Dawson: Pixley's a pretty big town. I ought to wear something.
Lisa Douglas: Eb's right. He might get arrested for undecent explosion.

Mr. Haney: [hods up two troll dolls he claims are voodoo dolls] And this is the Mildred hexer and this is the Walter jinxer. Just a few pins in the right places and you can put the weather where everyou want it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Do you happen to have a Haney hexer?
Mr. Haney: No, I don't believe I do.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, that's too bad. Then I'll have to start sticking the pins in you personally.


"Green Acres: The Ugly Duckling (#2.5)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [eying the Spanish omelet Lisa cooked] It looks like a... boa constrictor with lumps.

Lisa Douglas: You're disturbing Ralph's beauty sleep!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: She could sleep for six years, it wouldn't make any...

Mr. Haney: Morning, Mr. Douglas, did you see a pair of pliers?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [in considerable pain] Yeah, you dropped them on my head.
Mr. Haney: Any idea where they bounced?

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sitting down in Kimball's office] Mr. Kimball, I have a problem.
Hank Kimball: Yes you do, there were three tomatoes on that chair.

Eb Dawson: Morning! Breakfast ready?
Lisa Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.
Lisa Douglas: We're not having any hotscakes this morning.
Oliver Douglas: No hotcakes?
Lisa Douglas: I've made something different.
Oliver Douglas: Hey, wonderful!
Eb Dawson: Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.
Oliver Douglas: Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.
Lisa Douglas: Here we are.
[Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet]
Eb Dawson: Any hotcakes left over from yesterday?
Lisa Douglas: You don't like it?
Eb Dawson: I don't know. What is it?
Lisa Douglas: Well what does it look like?
Oliver Douglas: It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.
Lisa Douglas: That's the last time I ever cook you a Spanish omelette.


"Green Acres: His Honor (#2.16)" (1967)
Bellboy: [Oliver answers the door in judges wig and robe] Eh, where do you want these, Mrs. Douglas?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I am not Mrs. Douglas!
Lisa Douglas: I am Mrs. Douglas.
Bellboy: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the old lady in the black dress was Mrs. Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: I haven't been appointed to the Supreme Court, I'm gonna serve on the bench in Hooterville.
Mother: But that's horrible!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: There is nothing wrong with Hooterville.
Mother: Stop saying that. It sounds like a mating place for owls.

Lisa Douglas: [Lisa has got Oliver a judge's wig] Come on, try it up.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'll look like an old Beatle.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are they?
Lisa Douglas: Hots kebabs.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hots kebabs?
Lisa Douglas: They're like shish kebabs, but with the shish kebabs you put the shish on the screwer, but with the hots kebabs, you put the hots on it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, you put that to music, you might have a hit.


"Green Acres: Oliver vs. the Phone Company (#3.4)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [on the phone, a recording says the operator is having rump roast trouble] They got to be kidding!
Lisa Douglas: People don't kid about rump roast trouble.
Newt Kiley: Rump roast trouble? That's a new recording. At least it ain't in the phone company album I have.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They put out an album?
Sam Drucker: Yeah. The company gives 'em out to you as a bonus if you don't complain about anything for a whole year.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [complaining about the phone service] I tried to get a call through to the Hoyt-Clagwell factory in Fargo, North Dakota.
Sam Drucker: Even if Sarah was there you couldn't get through to them. She doesn't have a Fargo hole on the switchboard.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Call Chicago! They route it through there.
Lisa Douglas: Maybe they don't have a router hole.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: The office was deserted. Nobody was there, not even Kimball, the phone company disc jockey. I looked through the window. It seemed that everybody in the valley is trying to get a call through, the switchboard was lit up like a Christmas tree.
Sam Drucker: Oh, that is a Christmas tree. Sarah's a little late taking it down.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Sarah's a little late in a lot of things...

Lisa Douglas: Before you tell me your bad news, let me tell you my good news: Irving works.
[points at Irving Two Smokes the wooden Indian]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He what?
Lisa Douglas: While you were away, not a single cowboy showed up!


"Green Acres: I Didn't Raise My Pig to Be a Soldier (#2.3)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [the "Written by" credit appears on-screen] Oliver! Whose names are those? Oliver!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Over here by the barn!
[the "Directed by" credit appears]
Lisa Douglas: Oliver! When I came out of the house, there were lots of names in front of me.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, there were some in front of me, too.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, is there anybody here in authority?
Sergeant: You kidding, Mac?
[points at the rank on his sleeve]

Lisa Douglas: I think Ralph was a little sad because they wouldn't take her in the army.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: She's still got the navy and the marines, good night.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: These gentlemen are from the FBI.
Hank Kimball: Oh... I'm with the Department of Agriculture. Heh Heh. Guess that sort of makes us, eh, sister-offiers, huh? Well not sisters, eh, brothers. Although we're not really related. Or maybe we are? I...
FBI Agen #2: [interrupting] Mr. Kimball, I wonder if you could help us?
Hank Kimball: Certainly. Always ready to help out a brother-sister. Eh, sister-fellow. Eh, can I see your credentials please?


"Green Acres: Culture (#1.31)" (1966)
Sir Geoffrey: [Conducting the Hooterville Symphony Orchestra] Now please, let's try it: Brahm's Lullaby.
[the band plays a crawling version of "There's a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight"]
Sir Geoffrey: Stop, stop! Hold it, hold it! May I ask what you were playing?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, what was you conductin'?
Sir Geoffrey: Brahm's Lullaby.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Then that's what we was playin.'
Sir Geoffrey: That was not Brahm's Lullaby.
Oliver Douglas: [to Sir Geoffrey] Well it's as close as you're gonna get to it.
Sir Geoffrey: Look is there anyone here who can read music?
Ralph Monroe: Oh, I can.
Sir Geoffrey: Oh, well then my dear, would you mind humming it for the others?
Ralph Monroe: [to the tune of Brahms' Lullaby] La-da-dah, la-da-dah, la-da-dah-dah, da-da-dah, la-da-dah, dah...
Sir Geoffrey: Fine. Now, let's all hum it together.
Band members: [to the tune of Brahms' Lullaby] La-da-dah, la-da-dah, la-da-dah-dah, da-da-dah...
Sir Geoffrey: Capital, capital, capital! Now, let's all play that.
[the band plays "There's a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight" as Sir Geoffrey breaks down and cries]

Sir Geoffrey: [to the Hooterville Fire Department band] We're going to start with a very simple little piece, Brahms' Lullaby.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Who wrote it?
Sir Geoffrey: Well, ehm...
Oliver Douglas: [to Sir Geoffrey] You should've taken the train, when I told you.

Ralph Monroe: Would you believe I've never heard Beethoven's 5th Symphony by, eh, Tchaikovsky?
Oliver Douglas: Well, I don't think I've heard that myself.

Oliver Douglas: [to Sir Geoffrey] Well, as they say: you're the conductor, Poopsie!


"Green Acres: Water, Water Everywhere (#2.2)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: In the old country, they don't look for water with a stick. They do it scientifically.
Oliver Douglas: Oh?
Lisa Douglas: They put a goldfish in a shoe, and then they throw the shoe out the window.
Oliver Douglas: That's scientific?
Lisa Douglas: Of course! And then the goldfish swims upstream until it finds the water.
Oliver Douglas: Mm hmm. Now... uh... how does he swim upstream if there's no water?
Lisa Douglas: His friends help him.

Lisa Douglas: [seeing Willie with his divining rod] What's that sthick for?
Oliver Douglas: He uses that to look for the water.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, he's a sthick-looker.
Oliver Douglas: A dowser.
Lisa Douglas: What's a dowser?
Oliver Douglas: [pauses] A sthick-looker.

Lisa Douglas: How would you like to have your hotcakes?
Oliver Douglas: In a restaurant.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, it's going to be one of those days. When you wake up in the morning being nasty, then as the day goes on you get worse, then at night you want to kiss and make up.
Oliver Douglas: Now what's wrong with that?
Lisa Douglas: Couldn't we start the morning with a make up?
Oliver Douglas: Alright.
[kisses her on the nose]
Oliver Douglas: We friends?
Lisa Douglas: [not satisfied] What else could we be with a kiss like that?

Oliver Douglas: Well that's a stupid and ridiculous law!
Sam Drucker: That's what it's going to be known as: the stupid and ridiculous law of 1966.


"Green Acres: How to See South America by Bus (#2.4)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: Oh, where are you going all dressed up?
Oliver Douglas: Eh, off to work in the corn field.
Lisa Douglas: But isn't that one of your lawyer suits?
Oliver Douglas: Yes, I'm expecting a client.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, who?
Oliver Douglas: I don't know. Mr. Drucker said some farmer named Collins wants to talk to me on a legal matter.
Lisa Douglas: Well aren't you going to wait for him?
Oliver Douglas: No, no, I've got work to do. When he shows up, you send him on up, yeah?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, chief.
Oliver Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: Well isn't that what the secretary calls the boss?
Oliver Douglas: Yes, but...
Lisa Douglas: Anything else, chief?
Oliver Douglas: Eh, no.
[puts on his hat and heads for the door]
Lisa Douglas: Well aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?
Oliver Douglas: No, the boss doesn't kiss the secretary. His wife might not like it.
Lisa Douglas: Oh yes she would...
Oliver Douglas: No, we'd better be on the safe side.
[walks to the door and exits]
Lisa Douglas: I think I'm going to look for another job.

Oliver Douglas: This is Amy Collins. She has a large farm on the other side of the valley.
Eb Dawson: Oh. Need a foreman?
Amy Collins: I'm afraid not.
Eb Dawson: How 'bout a hired hand?
Amy Collins: No.
Eb Dawson: Want to adopt a son?

Eb Dawson: Dad, you are a cad.
Oliver Douglas: Don't call me dad!

Lisa Douglas: Well, it seems that one of us made a mistake.
Oliver Douglas: Yes. You did.
Lisa Douglas: Well, I was hoping you didn't notice.


"Green Acres: The Hooterville Image (#2.9)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: Let's start from the beginning... well, not the beginning, uh, let's try, uh, 1789 - that was the year that Betsy Ross made the first pair of overalls.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Betsy Ross made the first flag.
Hank Kimball: That's right - "Flag" overalls. That was her brand. You could buy 'em all over the country. Well, before long all of the farmers along the East Coast were wearing Betsy's Flag brand overalls, except Florida, which was then known as "Lower New Jersey."

Eb Dawson: [pleased with his freshly ironed shirt, Oliver kisses Lisa passionately] How come you're kissing her when I'm the one that ironed them?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I thought you ironed them?
Lisa Douglas: Well you saw the ironing board, then you jumped on the wrong concussion.
Eb Dawson: She means 'the wrong concession'.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Not concession, confusion. eh... conclusion.
[rolls his eyes]

Eb Dawson: Wait 'till I tell the other hired hands that I work for a man that's got twelve suits, three dozen shirts and... how many pairs of shoes did you say?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eight.
Eb Dawson: Gee, all I got is one suit, one shirt and one shoe.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's all you - one shoe?
Eb Dawson: You never noticed, huh? That's because I wear it on a different foot every day.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to Alf and Ralph] Look, I don't need you two to give me howdy doody lessons, I told you a month ago to fix that door!


"Green Acres: Never Take Your Wife to a Convention (#2.20)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: And you're still not going to send anybody to the convention?
Mr. Haney: I don't see why you're so head up, it's not like we're against the Red Cross or anything.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I didn't mean that...
Mr. Haney: The only thing we're against is Gene Autry kissing the girl at the end of the picture.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why, that's different...
Mr. Haney: Even if it was Ruby Keeler, I wouldn't wanna see Gene kiss her.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm a farmer. I called from Hooterville and we have a reservation for a suite.
Clerk: Under what name?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oliver Wendell Douglas.
Clerk: [shuffles some blue cards] Ah, yes, yes, here we are: Oscar Mendell McDoogal.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, no, it's Oscar Wendell McDouglas. I mean, Oscar Doo- Oscar McDou- Oscar... O- Oliver! Oliver Dooglas McWendell.
Clerk: While you're trying to make up your mind, will you please stand aside, we have a long line.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [introducing Wanda to Lisa] Lisa, I want you to meet an old balloon of mine...

Charlie: Say, eh, pal, level with me, will ya? What is all this?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: This is our house.
Charlie: Who done it to ya? Tell me, we'll take care of 'em.


"Green Acres: Lisa's Jam Session (#3.2)" (1967)
Mr. Haney: Now, just take a look at what I got on my truck. Maybe some item will tickle your fancy. That is, if you've got a ticklish fancy.
[laughs]
Mr. Haney: Always like to start the dickering with a joke!
Oliver Douglas: Yeah, well, it's not much of a joke and we are not dickering.

Oliver Douglas: You know, when I married you, I knew you didn't have too much up here, but the rest of you made up for it. But now that I'm getting older...
[shakes his head]

Lisa Douglas: [apologetic] I ran out of hotscakes flowers and I can't make you hotscakes for breakfast.
Oliver Douglas: [brightens up] You can't make hotcakes?
Lisa Douglas: Shall I get the whip?
Oliver Douglas: No, no, no, just let me sit here and let it sing in. No hotcakes...
[he starts to whistle]
Lisa Douglas: You're not very upset?
Oliver Douglas: Well, I'm just covering up for what's inside: relief.

Oliver Douglas: [Mr. Haney has a decorated bathtub on the back of his truck] What is that?
Mr. Haney: Eh, what is what?
Oliver Douglas: That monstrosity!
Mr. Haney: Mr. Douglas, may I shake your hand?
Oliver Douglas: What for?
Mr. Haney: You show that to a hundred people and probably not more than one of 'em will recognize it as a genuine Monstrositi. That is the work of Fedeccini Monstrositi, the last of the great Italian bathtub makers.


"Green Acres: One of Our Assemblymen Is Missing (#2.6)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: How do they determine how much
[State Farm Unattached Duty Tax]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: you owe?
Hank Kimball: Well, they take your acreage and - well, they don't take your acreage unless you didn't pay the tax bill. They have a computer with a stack of cards, and each card has a taxpayer's name on it. In your case it would be, uh - well, whatever your name is. Each card has holes punched in it. This is done at the State Department of Hole Punching. Three men work there - the Head Hole Puncher, the Assistant Head Hole Puncher, and his brother-in-law.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Which one punched the holes in your head?

Oliver Wendell Douglas: The last time you had election for assemblyman, who ran from this district?
Sam Drucker: I did.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh?
Sam Drucker: I was defeated.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who ran against you?
Sam Drucker: Nobody.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: And you lost?
Sam Drucker: No.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well then you won?
Sam Drucker: No.
[a beat]
Sam Drucker: No, you see, election day is the first Tuesday after the first Monday in September. But the word got around it was the first first Monday after the first Tuesday and that's when everybody showed up. And by that time, it was too late.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When was this?
Fred Ziffel: 1922.

Eb Dawson: [runs into the house, shouting] Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Eb Dawson: You'd better get out of town.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why?
Eb Dawson: They're gonna tar and feather you for getting that tax refund.
Lisa Douglas: Darling, I'm so proud of you.

Lisa Douglas: [Lisa finds Oliver with a young woman in their hotel room] Well, what have we got here?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eh, this is Miss Hawkney, she's a public stenogropher.
Lisa Douglas: Then why is she stenographing here, in private?


"Green Acres: Getting Even with Haney (#2.26)" (1967)
Oliver Douglas: Mr. Haney, that pile of junk isn't worth $8.
Mr. Haney: To the unappraisable eye, yes. I had each and every one of these objects de art evaluated by an in-unpeachable source: the county tax assessor, or as we sometimes call him, Cousin Joe.

Oliver Douglas: [Lisa proclaims it's "a week later"] I know it's a week later. You don't have to march in here and announce that.
Lisa Douglas: Well, that's how they always do it in the movies. It's either somebody comes in carrying a sign which says, "Here it is a week later." Or a calendar falls apart for a week. Or somebody comes out and says, "That week sure went by fast."

Oliver Douglas: They must think I'm some kind of a nut, trying to get me to believe that Arnold could possibly write a note like...
Lisa Douglas: Well, it's his handwriting.
Oliver Douglas: Oh, come on!

Oliver Douglas: Mr. Haney, I'm warning you. I'm about fed up with your tricky merchandizing methods. You're going to go too far one of these days, and I'm going to help nail you.
Mr. Haney: Care to buy a hammer?
[produces a hammer from his pocket]


"Green Acres: The Wedding Anniversary (#1.13)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: Oh, congratulations. How long you been married?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, we've been married... Let's see now, we were ma- In nineteen fif- No, no, that was the year I got out of the airforce, yes. We were married in f- No, that was the year I started my lawpractice... Well, it must have been in...
Eb Dawson: You sure you're married?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Of course, I'm sure!
Eb Dawson: I never saw your marriage certificate.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Don't worry. We've got one. It's in the safe deposit box.
Eb Dawson: Mr. Haney used to have his hanging up on the wall.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [smiling] That's nice.
Eb Dawson: He used to throw darts at it!

George Bennington: [calling the Agriculture office in D.C] Say, your angry little voice sounds familiar. Aren't you the fella who was infected with corn bores last year?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's right!
George Bennington: What do ya have this year?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Wheat stem sawflies.
George Bennington: How about that! You're raising wheat out on the terrace now, huh? You Park Avenue folks are...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I don't live on Park Avenue anymore.
George Bennington: Oh, they canceled the lease, huh?
[laughs sarcastically]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No! I bought a farm near Hooterville!
George Bennington: Where?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hooterville!
George Bennington: You're pullin' my leg!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to doctor Favor] I'm sorry I ever let you deliver me to my mother!

Mr. Haney: Well, while you're getting the correct change, I would like to recite a little poem I composed for anniversaries. Copies of which can be purchased from the author for 25 cents.
[reading]
Mr. Haney: Happy anniversary. Anniversaries come but once a year, bringing joy and good cheer. Some are sad, some are funny...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Get on your truck, here's your money!


"Green Acres: How to Enlarge a Bedroom (#1.15)" (1965)
Eustace Charleton Haney: Mr. Douglas, I put my heart and soul into that house.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You should have used lumber.

Eb Dawson: Well if you won't lend me the car, would you lend me the front seat?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What do you want the front seat for?
Eb Dawson: It'll look a lot better than standing at the drive-in all through the movie.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You can't have the car or the front seat.
Eb Dawson: How 'bout the horn? So as we can toot during intermission.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, hello, Mr. Haney.
Eustace Charleton Haney: That'll be 12 dollars.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Just for saying hello?

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [about the Monroe brothers] You really think they're good, huh?
Sam Drucker: Did you see what they did for Fred Ziffel?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes.
[rolls eyes]
Sam Drucker: Oh, that door o' his really swings now.


"Green Acres: The Beverly Hillbillies (#2.23)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [suggesting Lisa to play Granny] Great. She used to be a star on the Hungarian stage. Oh, she'd be perfect for Granny. She's the right size. Eh, she won't need too much makeup.
Lisa Douglas: Oliver!

Eb Dawson: [Eb has a meeting with the Hooterville Young Peoples Agricultural Society] I gotta leave.
[gets up and walks to the door]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Bye...
Eb Dawson: [opens the door but stays in the kitchen] I was hopin' some kind man would lend me his car.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, start walking, maybe you'll meet one on the way.
Eb Dawson: There ain't none here in the kitchen, huh?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No.

Lisa Douglas: [talking about her acting career in the old country] We used to do those very dramatic plays like 'The Cherry Orchard', 'Dolls House', 'War and Peace', 'Budapest Parastock'...
Sam Drucker: What was that last one?
Lisa Douglas: Budapest Hillbilies.
Sam Drucker: The Budapest Hillbilies?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, you know, it's the story about tha Hungarian peasant who struck goulash and moved his family to the Swiss Alps.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [a big round piece of bread dough has landed on Oliver's head as he entered the kitchen] I suppose you can explain this?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, oh yes. I struck out with the schpaghetti, so I thought I'd make a pizza.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What have you got against the Italians?


"Green Acres: A Square Is Not Round (#2.12)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver has just cracked a square egg] One of the chickens must have made a mistake.
Oliver Douglas: A mistake?
Lisa Douglas: Well, they're only human.

Oliver Douglas: [holding another square egg] Which hen do you think laid the eggs?
Lisa Douglas: I don't know.
Eb Dawson: Well, it should't be too hard to find out, all we gotta do is look for a square chicken.

Oliver Douglas: I'm going back to bed. If that's a dream, I wanna see how it ends.


"Green Acres: Give Me Land, Lots of Land (#1.16)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: Eb, why don't you pull up the weeds that are growing in the wheat.
Eb Dawson: Can't I just pull up the wheat? There ain't as much of that.

Oliver Douglas: [upset that his tractor is bellowing smoke] There's something wrong with the carburetor!
Eb Dawson: Yeah. It needs a new tractor on it.

Oliver Douglas: There's something wrong with the caberator
Eb Dawson: Yes. It needs a new tractor on it.


"Green Acres: The Hole in the Porch (#6.23)" (1971)
Eb Dawson: [pulling up piece of rotten porch wood] See how rotten the boards are.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I wonder if that's termites.
Eb Dawson: Are you kidding? No self-respecting termite would eat this stuff!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: This is dry rot.
Eb Dawson: The story of your life.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [caring for Kimball's swelling ankle] Lisa, will you get me an ice bag?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, that's a fine thing! He hurt his ankle and you want to cure your hangover!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you get me an ice bag, please?
Lisa Douglas: I threw it away?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why?
Lisa Douglas: The ice melted!

Lisa Douglas: [Ralph enters dressed in nurse's uniform] Ralph, you look very pretty in your nurse's outfit.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, where'd you get that outfit?
Ralph Monroe: Well, the Hooterville Little Theater group did a play called "The Nurse's Dilemma," and I was it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You certainly are.


"Green Acres: I Didn't Raise My Husband to Be a Fireman (#1.17)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver returns after responding to a "fire rocket"] Where's your helmet?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They took it away from me because I didn't bring my guitar.

Uncle Joe Carson: I say a man can't fight fire unless he can play a marching instrument.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That doesn't make sense!
Uncle Joe Carson: Well it does around here. We have more parades than fires.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Now how do I go about joining?
Uncle Joe Carson: You gotta talk to the fire chief.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well allright, now who's the...
[notices Uncle Joe is putting on a fire helmet]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: ... are you the chief?
Uncle Joe Carson: I ain't wearing this white helmet to match my shoes.


"Green Acres: My Husband, the Rooster Renter (#1.5)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: [to Haney, discussing Bertram not crowing] We didn't hear a peep out of him!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, he ain't a peeper. He's a crower.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He's not a crower. He's a pecker!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Uh, please, you haven't told me what you think of the farm, yet.
Hank Kimball: What I think?
[trying to avoid answering]
Hank Kimball: Well, uh. Actually, it's, uh. Well, you see, a farm is, uh.
[getting into jeep]
Hank Kimball: I'll try and rush this report right through!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: If there's something wrong, I'd like to know what it is.
Hank Kimball: What it is? What it is.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, give me your frank opinion.
Hank Kimball: Frank opinion? Well, uh.
Eb Dawson: Want me to wipe the perspiration off your forehead, Mr. Kimball?

Lisa Douglas: All right darling, you can drive me to Hootersville now.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eh, sweetheart, as long as we're gonna live here, you should learn to pronounce the name of the town correctly: 'Hooterville'.
Lisa Douglas: All right, let's go to Hoosterville.
Eb Dawson: [Ed walks up] You going into Hoosterville?


"Green Acres: The Decorator (#1.3)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [finding his mother passed out outside] What's wrong with her?
Eustace Charleton Haney: I don't know. I picked her up at the depot, drover her out, she got out of truck, took one look at the house and keeled over.
Lisa Douglas: I can understand that.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yeah, I guess the rustic beauty is kinda overwhelming.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: You'll feel better after you've had breakfast.
Lisa Douglas: Who's going to cook it?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh well, I want to talk to you about that.
Lisa Douglas: What is there to talk about?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: About who's cooking.
Lisa Douglas: Darling, when we got married I promised to love, honor and obey. I said nothing about cooking.

Lisa Douglas: Don't shout at mother!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I can shout at her, she's my mother!
Lisa Douglas: Well, she's my mother in law.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's not natural for anybody to like their own mother in law. I don't like your mother.


"Green Acres: Who's Lisa? (#2.29)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: The television set is broken again.
Oliver Douglas: [reading a book] Oh? What's wrong with it?
Lisa Douglas: I don't know, the screen does funny things.
Oliver Douglas: Well, maybe it's a comedy program.
Lisa Douglas: I don't think so, it just has wiggly lines.
Oliver Douglas: Hm, maybe it's an eyeglass commercial.

Lisa Douglas: [cooking in the kitchen] Oliver! What are you doing up there?
Oliver Douglas: [visible through a hole in the ceiling] I'm hammering on some new shingles.
Lisa Douglas: Well, watch it. You just dropped a nail in one of my hotcakes.
Oliver Douglas: Leave it there, it'll dissolve.
Lisa Douglas: Well! That's the first time you insulted my hotcakes through a hole in the roof.
Oliver Douglas: I'll have to come up here more often.

Hank Kimball: Heard the bad news about the amnesia.
Oliver Douglas: Yeah, well...
Hank Kimball: Ah, don't worry, you'll get better.
Oliver Douglas: No, I haven't got amnesia.
Hank Kimball: Now you keep saying that, over and over, and it'll get better.
Oliver Douglas: No, I don't have it, Mrs. Douglas has it.
Hank Kimball: Oh, she caught it from you, huh? Yeah, I guess it's pretty contagious, huh.


"Green Acres: Lisa's Vegetable Garden (#2.24)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: Where do you keep the booze?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The booze?
Lisa Douglas: Well, you know, the bottle you keep for municipal porpoises.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, any school child can figure that out in it's head.
Lisa Douglas: Well, I didn't go to a head-school. The school I went to, all they told me is to count how many carats there are in a diamond. The way you do that: you find a jeweler...

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa has hired Alf and Ralph as domestic help] Now about the help... Do you want to fire them, or shall I?
Lisa Douglas: [Alf and Ralph look close to tears] Why, you wouldn't fire them on Christmas?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's not Christmas!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When you proposed to me, you said that every day is going to be like Christmas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [mellows as he remembers and smiles] Oh, so I did. Merry Christmas, darling.
[kisses Lisa on the lips, then turns to Alf and Ralph]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You're fired.
[Alf and Ralph burst out crying]


"Green Acres: Where There's a Will (#5.3)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [asking about their rooster doing the opening credits] Did Charlie come in and crow the names this morning?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, and he did it very well, except the "Written by."
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are you two talking about?

Eb Dawson: [telling Oliver about the Birnbacher pork empire] Have you lost interest in the Gustaf Birnbacher story?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: Mr. Birnbacher always said that he owed his success to Herman
[his first pig]
Eb Dawson: , so in gratitude he left him all his money: 20 million dollars!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh. He must have been a real ding dong!
Eb Dawson: When you have as much money as he did, it's called paranoia.

Lisa Douglas: Mr. Haney, how can you prove that Arnold is related to Herman?
Eustace Charleton Haney: It's simple. I use the blood sample comparison method. Now if you'll step with me to the back of my mo-bile laboratory. I call it that because it was given to me by a grateful customer, Moe Bile.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, brother!
Eustace Charleton Haney: [forcibly dragging Oliver by the arm] That's just a little joke I use before escorting people to the back of the truck. It sorta takes the tension out of the air.
Lisa Douglas: [takes deep breath] Mmmmm, it works! I don't feel as tense as I did!


"Green Acres: The Road (#5.6)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, guess what? The town's taking up a collection for you for gettin' the road paved!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They are?
Eb Dawson: Yeah! They're goin' around to all the farms in the valley collectin' chicken feathers! And Mr. Ziffel's donatin' the tar!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Tar and feathers?
Lisa Douglas: Isn't that nice?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What's - ?
Eb Dawson: It's the only thing they could think of since Mr. Edmund left town. He was the only one who knew how to make a hangman's knot.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [meeting the senator to get the road paved] Senator, we live in Hooterville and we need your help.
Senator Talbot: If you live in Hooterville, you DO need help.

Lisa Douglas: [recognizes senator from the late, late show] Ohhh, you must be the fellow who was in Death Valley Days!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, that was Ronald Reagan.
Lisa Douglas: Who?
Senator Talbot: Ronald Regan. He's the governor of California.
Lisa Douglas: Well then, which movie star are you?
Senator Talbot: [smugly, as a star] Lyle Talbot!
Lisa Douglas: Oh. I guess I never saw you.


"Green Acres: An Old-Fashioned Christmas (#2.13)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglass: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The American farmer didn't get where he is today by celebrating Christmas with phony trees and wax popcorn, plastic candy canes. Gentlemen, to the American farmer Christmas is real. He goes out with ax in hand, chops down his own tree, brings it back, garlands it with strings of popcorn from his own corn crib, makes cider from his own apple trees. And when the Christmas carols ring out in the still of the night, he looks up to the sky and he says, 'I'm proud to be an American farmer on Christmas.'

Lisa Douglas: What shall I do with the corns I strung for you?
Oliver Douglas: Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them.
Lisa Douglas: Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar.
Oliver Douglas: Caviar?
Lisa Douglas: We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other...
Oliver Douglas: Oh, for...
Lisa Douglas: And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop beating around the bush and give me my permit!
Hank Kimball: Yes sir. You want a Bush Beating permit.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I want a tree chopping permit.


"Green Acres: Not Guilty (#3.17)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [to Judge Perkins] Your Honor, Eb is innocent. He was framed! Just like Frank Nitti!
Judge Perkins: Frank Nitti?
Eb Dawson: The feller that gave Mr. Douglas his still.
Judge Perkins: What still?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your Honor...
Judge Perkins: Counselor, don't you know it's against the law to operate a still?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I don't operate one!
Eb Dawson: No, he just sits and looks at it and dreams of the old days in Chi-car-go.

Lisa Douglas: Eb! Where are you going all dressed up?
Eb Dawson: I got a date.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: With what?
Eb Dawson: It's not a "what" this time - it's a "who."
Lisa Douglas: What's her name?
Eb Dawson: Claudelia Frinkhouser. She's English.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Frinkhouser? That doesn't sound like an English name.
Eb Dawson: Then why does she always carry a bag of fish and chips around with her?
Lisa Douglas: Well, that's very English.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, yes, yes - very. Does she take off her monocle while she's eating?
Eb Dawson: She don't wear a monocle. She has a contact lens with a string on it.

Eb Dawson: Boy, you sure are ruining my love life. In our civilization a fella without wheels is nowhere.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eb, even with wheels you're nowhere.


"Green Acres: Never Start Talking Unless Your Voice Comes Out (#2.22)" (1967)
Oliver Douglas: [about to drive off to Drucker's store] I'm going in to pick up some aspirin for Eb. And eh... to get a present.
Lisa Douglas: For whom?
Oliver Douglas: It's a surprise.
Lisa Douglas: Well, if you want to know any sizes, why don't you call me. My number is: Hootersville 631.
Oliver Douglas: Yes, I know your number, I just can't remember your name.
Lisa Douglas: [mildly outraged] Oliver!
Oliver Douglas: Ok, Oliver. I'll call you if I need you.

Hank Kimball: Mr. Douglas, I'm here to tell you that... your little game is up.
Oliver Douglas: My game?
Hank Kimball: If you think you can pull the whool over the eyes of the American farmer's backbone with those eight minute speeches, you're badly mistaken.

Oliver Douglas: [the Hooterville townfolks think Oliver's a CIA agent] Gentlemen, you've found me out. My real name is not Oliver Wendell Douglas. In Washington I am known as '189'. And Hortence Kalish, here...
[indicating Lisa]
Oliver Douglas: ... is known as 37-29-42.
Lisa Douglas: [outraged] 42 I'm not!


"Green Acres: Happy Birthday (#5.26)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pitching ideal gifts for Arnold] How about this mink-lined electric snout warmer, for the pig that has everything. Now, this can be plugged into a set of batteries that Arnold can wear strapped to underside of his stomach. If you're worried about it showing...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm not!
Eustace Charleton Haney: It can be covered with this matching mink car coat.

Eustace Charleton Haney: [reading card he's selling for Arnold's birthday] "Happy birthday 'o pig oh mine - "
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh pig 'o mine?
Eustace Charleton Haney: "Hope this finds you well and fine. The joys you brought me all through life...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with the poem!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Oh. That Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote some great stuff.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: I don't wanna do anything on my birthday. No parties. Nothing. Just let the day pass quietly without any fuss. Well, maybe after dinner we can pop open a bottle of champagne.
Lisa Douglas: How about a birthday cake?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hmmm. A birthday cake's fine.
Lisa Douglas: How many girls do want to come out of it?


"Green Acres: The Beeping Rock (#5.23)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Can I ask you something? What would make a rock beep?
Wilson: [dismissing Oliver as a kook] I'd say about three martinis.

Dr. Barton Stuart: [look at X-ray of the supposed moon rock] Nothing in it. It's all rock.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Are you sure?
Dr. Barton Stuart: Positive.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why, that's impossible. I heard it beep!
Dr. Barton Stuart: [begins writing prescription] I tell you what. The beeping will stop in a couple of days if you'll just take two of these every hour.

Eustace Charleton Haney: [showing the Moon rocks on the back of his truck] Them two big ones are Mars rocks.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Mars rocks?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Hurled at me by an unfriendly flying saucer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, boy!
Lisa Douglas: They don't look like the ones we have.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Uh, that's because most of these come from the dark side of the moon.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh? How were they found?
Eustace Charleton Haney: With a flashlight.


"Green Acres: Eb Discovers the Birds and the Bees (#2.8)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: I guess that's why I love you. You're always hollering, but underneath you have a soft spot in your head.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Heart!
Lisa Douglas: There, too.

Eb Dawson: [after botching up Oliver's dating advice] A fine father you are!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm not your father!
Eb Dawson: I'm glad! The kind of advice you give your son, which I'm not and I don't intend to be!

Eb Dawson: [about Betty Jo] She's got a face that'd any man forget his sardines.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You have a very romantic way of putting it.


"Green Acres: You Ought to Be in Pictures (#2.10)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [asking how to help his pathetic corn plants] All right, you got any idea?
Hank Kimball: Yeah, why don't you shoot it and put it out of its misery?

Mr. Haney: [Oliver interrupts his first meeting of the Hooterville Chamber of Commerce] Mr. Douglas, you got a belt buckle?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No.
Mr. Haney: Well, then would you sit down?
Sam Drucker: Sorry, no speeches without a belt buckle.

Sam Drucker: Oh, guess who I was talking to long distance on the phone, not five minutes ago: Jimmy Stewart.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, I like him. Does he look as handsome on the phone as he does in the movies?


"Green Acres: It's Human to Be Humane (#2.19)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: I'm making hotscakes stew for the animals.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: And you call yourself president of the humane committee?

Doris Ziffel: How's Mrs. Douglas?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well... to tell you the truth, she's a little bored.
Doris Ziffel: Oh? How long you been living here, now?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Over a year.
Doris Ziffel: I don't blame her. I started getting bored after I'd been here a week. And I was born here.

Doris Ziffel: Say, Mrs. Douglas likes animals, don't she?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, she's crazy about minks and chinchillas.


"Green Acres: A Home Isn't Built in a Day (#2.11)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, why is it that every time I say I go back to New York unless you fix up this place, I never go and you never fix it.
Oliver Douglas: Well, this... it's a privilege to live in a place like this, this is part of America.
Lisa Douglas: One of the worst parts.

Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, where's the architect?
Oliver Douglas: He left.
Eb Dawson: Doggone it. I wanted to show him how I wanted my room fixed up into a bachelor pad.
Oliver Douglas: What?
Eb Dawson: I got the idea from a magazine. You know, the one that has a girl in the center that unfolds.
Lisa Douglas: Eh, what girl unfolds in the center?
Oliver Douglas: You'd have to see the magazine to understand.

Oliver Douglas: We're living in an historical monument.
Lisa Douglas: I don't want to live in a hystarical menumant.


"Green Acres: The Deputy (#1.24)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The community has to have law and order!
Newt Kiley: Eh... this gonna be a long speech, Mr. Douglas?
Oliver Douglas: Eh, well I, no, I...
Fred Ziffel: Better sit down, Newt. It usually is.

Lisa Douglas: [Lisa and Oliver are trying to get out of their car while handcuffed together] Well, when a husband stops opening doors the honeymoon is over.
Oliver Douglas: Lisa!
Lisa Douglas: I'm going to throw away my black nightgown...
Oliver Douglas: Oh, oh, oh!
[Oliver manages to open the door with one hand after all]

Lisa Douglas: Henriëtta, did your husband ever got you into a mess like this?
[Henrëtta the pigeon quietly coos]
Lisa Douglas: You see?
Oliver Douglas: Look, I don't care about her husband!
Lisa Douglas: That's a nice way to talk. Do you know where her husband is? In the army, carrying messages.


"Green Acres: Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel (#3.3)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: You don't know anything about love, do you?
Oliver Douglas: Well, I am not an expert at it, I have looked at Peyton Place a couple of times.

Oliver Douglas: Why don't you go over and see Mr. Haney and ask him to keep his dog away?
Fred Ziffel: No, no, no, I don't talk to him.
Doris Ziffel: No, they've been feuding for ten years.
Oliver Douglas: What about?
Fred Ziffel: Oh, I forget. But it must have been something pretty terrible, to make me remember it this long.
Oliver Douglas: Well, that makes about as much sense as anything that's been said here today.
Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas, now we don't want into sarcasm. What we want is advice.

Lisa Douglas: Well, I've never seen such inhospitootily.
Oliver Douglas: That's my middle name: inhospitootily.


"Green Acres: The Old Trunk (#4.24)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [pointing at the trunk] Oh, where did that come from?
Eb Dawson: I work up in bed with it this morning.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop...
Lisa Douglas: That happened to my uncle once. He work up in bed with a trunk. Or was it a drunk? No. it was a trunk with a drunk in it.
Eb Dawson: Hey, maybe there's a drunk in this one! Shall I open it?

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [looking through the documents in the trunk] Eb, this is dated 1902. These stocks and bonds are worthless. The companies are out of business. Defunct.
Lisa Douglas: How do you know? Some of them may still be "funct."

Eb Dawson: [listening to Lisa read the diary] Golly, that's sad.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Sad? That's sickening. I never heard such tripe!
Lisa Douglas: That's because it happened in real life, and you know what they say: Ruth is stranger than friction.


"Green Acres: Send a Boy to College (#1.28)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: To be a veterinarian, you've got to have a diploma.
Sam Drucker: Just like a doctor that treats people.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, well, people's doctor I can understand, because people go to the office and look at the diploma, but, but animals, never.
Sam Drucker: Well eh...
Oliver Douglas: Eh, eh, wait till you hear the next part of it.
Lisa Douglas: When Eb fixed up Alice, she didn't look for his diploma, and neither did Arnold when Eb saved him from the shiver-shake shim-shams.
Sam Drucker: Well eh...
Oliver Douglas: I don't think she's finished.
Lisa Douglas: Now if Eb needs a diploma, he should go to college so he can become a vegetarian.

Oliver Douglas: [Lisa wants Oliver to send Eb to college] Well it can be pretty expensive.
Lisa Douglas: How expensive? Mink coat expensive or sable coat expensive?
Oliver Douglas: Mink.
Lisa Douglas: Well then why don't we send Eb to college instead?
Oliver Douglas: Instead of what?
Lisa Douglas: You buying me a mink coat.
Oliver Douglas: I wasn't gonna buy you a mink coat.
Lisa Douglas: Well then you certainly can afford to send Eb to college.
Oliver Douglas: Lisa!
Lisa Douglas: Although... if I go to visit Eb in college, it wouldn't be nice if I would go without a mink coat.

Oliver Douglas: Mr. Haney, how would you like me to dent your hip-flask?
[turns Haney around as if to kick him]


"Green Acres: You and Your Big Shrunken Head (#5.5)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [giving another speech, holding handful of soil] This is the good earth! This contains the wealth of the American farmer!
["Yankee Doodle" plays in background]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: This is what he fought for at Lexington and Concord! Land! Land into which to plant his crops! Land with which to feed the hungry millions of the world! Land...
Eb Dawson: [noticing soundtrack] Hey, I think you got a worm in there playing the fife!

Eb Dawson: [with Arnold, from back of train upon returning to Hooterville] Wait a second! He's got a speech! He wrote it on the back of an envelope. He got the idea reading a book about Abraham Lincoln.
Lisa Douglas: Who's he?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He was the president of the United States.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, I thought that was George Washington.
Hank Kimball: Oh, no ma'am. George Washington is a bridge across the Hudson River.


"Green Acres: Lisa Bakes a Cake (#1.18)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver has begun finding objects mistakenly baked into Lisa's poundcake] One of my earrings are missing.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your earrings?
[pulls earring out of cake]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: This one? Anything else?
Lisa Douglas: The frying pan.

Alf Monroe: We could build a lawyer stand right near the road.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I have... a lawyer stand?
Ralph Monroe: Yeah, that's just like a fruit stand, except you sell law.


"Green Acres: How to Get from Hooterville to Pixley Without Moving (#4.12)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Is there any mail for me?
Sam Drucker: [being spiteful] I wouldn't know. I had all of your mail re-routed to the Pixley post office.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, for the love of - !
Sam Drucker: By the way, don't forget to change your zip code. Pixley's 96344821756.
Sam Drucker: I'm not - -!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hooterville's 3.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, Oliver, we should have stayed here. They have a lower zipper code.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [correcting her] Zipper cod. I mean a
[confused and fumbling]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: zip - zip
Sam Drucker: Oh no, zip CODE. We pronounce it different here in Hooterville.

Lisa Douglas: [reads sign on their house saying "These Premises Condemned"] These promises commended.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [correcting her] Uh, no. Condemned. And who condemned these promises? Uh, er - who commended the premises?
Eb Dawson: There was a fella here from the Pixley Building Authority. He said this house is too dangerous to live in.
Lisa Douglas: He's right!


"Green Acres: Don't Count Your Tomatoes Before They're Picked (#3.7)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [hears knock at door] Who the - ?
Eb Dawson: That's a switch. He usually says, "What the - ?"
Lisa Douglas: I guess he's in more of a "Who the - ?" mood today.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [answering door] Yes?
Farmhand: Howdy. I'm from the pickin' pool.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The picking pool?
Farmhand: Yes sir. My name's Who-the. Harold Who-the.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa serves a bowl of water] ... What is that?
Lisa Douglas: Hot water soup.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hot water soup?
Lisa Douglas: Soup make out of hot water.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Just plain hot water?
Lisa Douglas: What else you put in a hot water soup?


"Green Acres: The Ballad of Molly Turgiss (#1.26)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to Haney after seeing Molly in the mirror] Did you ever notice a wrinkled old hag in the mirror when you were shaving?
Eustace Charleton Haney: No. But my wife did.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, frying pans and coffee pots don't go flying around by themselves. Wait a minute... there's a word for that: poltergeist.
Lisa Douglas: What is that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, it's a supernatural phenomenon.
Lisa Douglas: What is that, stupid unnatural phenomenemon?


"Green Acres: The Price of Apples (#1.20)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: [holding an apple from one of his orchard] Lisa, taste it!
Lisa Douglas: Are we going to play Adam and Eve?

Mr. Haney: You know what that is? Genuine ice!
Oliver Douglas: That's your refrigeration plant?
Mr. Haney: Yes, sir. It operates on the principle of cold.


"Green Acres: Our Son, the Barber (#3.24)" (1968)
Windy Hinkle: [Arnold the pig arrives oinking just as Oliver gets in the barber's chair] I'm sorry. Mr. Douglas. Arnold is next.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Windy Hinkle: Well, he - he called for an appointment.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: How could he call?
Windy Hinkle: He won't take too long. You see, all he gets is a bay rum spray. Keeps him dainty.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He can wait a few minutes to be dainty. I'm next!
[to Arnold]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Sit down. Read a magazine.

Eustace Charleton Haney: It's the latest wrinkle in barbering equipment!
[barber's chair on the back of his truck begins shaking]
Eustace Charleton Haney: It vibrates away the customer's cares while he's getting his hair cut. I bet you ain't seen anything shimmy like that since Gilda Gray!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I haven't.
Eustace Charleton Haney: It'll pay for itself in three months with the loose change it vibrates out of the customer's pockets.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Goodbye, Mr. Haney.


"Green Acres: Enterprising Eb (#6.9)" (1970)
Mr. Wheeler: You drink much?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, I like a drink before dinner.
Mr. Wheeler: How about after dinner?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Once in a while.
Mr. Wheeler: During dinner?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well...
Mr. Wheeler: You drink pretty good. Ever thought about trying A.A.?

Lisa Douglas: [discussing Eb] You know, he reminds me of you when we wanted to get married and you were trying to make money as a lawyer, and you threw your first case.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I didn't throw it. I lost it.
Lisa Douglas: The judge said the only way to lose that case was to throw it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa!


"Green Acres: Lisa's First Day on the Farm (#1.2)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, you wouldn't be needing a hired hand, would you?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, no, I'm planning on farming this place myself.
Eb Dawson: You ever done any farming?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [proudly] Oh, a little.
Lisa Douglas: Dahling, don't be so modest. My husband had the biggest squash on Park Avenue!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [demanding his sinks and tub be returned by Haney] If they were in the house when I bought it, they belong to me!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Did you read your bill of sale?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I did!
Eustace Charleton Haney: All it said was I sold you A house, and that's what you got. A house.


"Green Acres: Sprained Ankle, Country Style (#1.19)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: [watching the TV set] Is that Ed Sullivan?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's a test pattern!
Hank Kimball: Boy, it sure looked like Ed Sullivan.

Lisa Douglas: Oliver, you didn't let Ralph blow her buggle.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I don't care if she blows her brains out. I am not paying them until this room is finished!


"Green Acres: Beauty Is Skin Deep (#5.13)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [plans to order her cosmetics from the Lady Love company] I think they make very good cosmeteticals.
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pitching his brand] Not according to an independent survey made in a small Midwestern town where half of the women were given Lady Love hand creme to use on their hands and the other half were given my hand creme. And would you believe, in my group there was not a single cavity?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What has that got to do with...

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [finds Eb with his head stuck in the freezer] Eb, what are you doing?
Eb Dawson: [his head covered with frost and ice on his head] Freezing a part in my hair.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What? Get your head out of there you...
Eb Dawson: You see, what I do is, I give myself a shampoo and then I rush my head into the refrigerator and I'm well groomed all day!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, well don't...
Eb Dawson: Unless the sun comes out.


"Green Acres: The Rutabaga Story (#3.27)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You realize that last year every farmer in this valley lost money!
Hank Kimball: Well, there's a simple solution to that. Move out of the valley.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: We don't want to move.
Hank Kimball: Well, you're just going to have to get used to losing money. Anything else I can help you with?

Oliver Wendell Douglas: What is wrong with the people of this community? I had a simple idea about raising rutabagas. The next thing I know, Ziffel is trying to get CBS to send him color cameras, Trendell is trying to get the U.S.C. football team, and Newt is calling Sophia Loren to be a Rutabaga Queen! This is absurd!
Sam Drucker: That's what I told 'em, but they get carried away.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They sure do!
Sam Drucker: Yeah. I wonder why Ed Sullivan hasn't called me back?


"Green Acres: Horse? What Horse? (#1.29)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: [the radiator on the Hoyt Claggwell tractor is leaking] Look, do you think Mr. Drucker can get us a new radiator?
Eb Dawson: I don't think he can help ya.
Oliver Douglas: Why not?
Eb Dawson: This tractor was born long before he was!

Oliver Douglas: [a horse followed Oliver home but it keeps disappearing when Lisa arrives on the scene] He was here... he was watching me wash my hands.
Lisa Douglas: Why would he do that?
Oliver Douglas: [slightly annoyed] I dunno, maybe it's his hobby!


"Green Acres: Oliver's Jaded Past (#3.25)" (1968)
Maitre d': Would you care to order dinner?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [his chair at the table has disappeared] I'd like a chair!
Maitre d': What, may I ask, did you do with the last one you had?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I didn't do anything with it! I just got up to dance!
Maitre d': With a chair?

Lisa Douglas: [Oliver's received an offer from his old law firm] I wouldn't live here for anything!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: But you're the one who always wanted to move back here?
Lisa Douglas: That was before I saw what New York does to you. It turns you from a Dr. Jerky into a Mr. Hive.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are you talking...
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, there are two yous: the New York you and the Hootersville you, and I prefer you when you're Dr. Jerky, which is the Hooterville you.


"Green Acres: The Special Delivery Letter (#5.9)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [guessing the contents of the letter] Oliver! Maybe you've been drafted!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, it's impossible!
Eb Dawson: No, sir. They're scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, Eb...
Eb Dawson: Of World War I!

Lisa Douglas: I remember when we lived in Hungary, my father got a special delivery letter telling him he was no longer the king.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your father wasn't the king!
Lisa Douglas: Not after he got that letter, he wasn't. We had to move out of the palace and he got a job as a waiter in an Italian restaurant. He had to go to school at night to learn a new accent.


"Green Acres: Flight to Nowhere (#3.21)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa is cooking] What's that mess?
Lisa Douglas: They're croissants.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They are?
Lisa Douglas: Well, they aren't official French croissants. I made them out of hotcake batter.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I must say your hotcake batter has an international flavor, which is about the only flavor it does have.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Haney pitches his own checks] Haney's Traveler's Checks? I could just imagine me trying to get someone to cash one of those for me!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Easiest thing in the world.
[man walks up]
Eustace Charleton Haney: Oh, excuse me, sir. Would you mind cashing this ten dollar traveler's check?
Man: Sorry, I - -Aww, it's a Haney's Traveler's Check! Be glad to hep ya!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Thank you.
[man leaves]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Where did you have him stashed?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Who?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That shill that cashed the check for you.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Mr. Douglas, I never saw him before. He was a perfect stranger.
Man: [returning] How long we gonna be here cousin Eustace?


"Green Acres: The Wealthy Landowner (#5.25)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [reads his personal ad] Handsome, sophisticated, wealthy land owner looking for wealthy mate. Address all applications to Eb Dawson, wealthy landowner, Hooterville.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Wealthy landowner?
Eb Dawson: Well, I will be. You're gonna leave the farm to me, aren't you Dad?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I am not your Dad and I'm not leaving the farm to you.
Lisa Douglas: Well, you might as well. I don't want it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb wants him to pose as his butler] I'm not wearing a butler suit!
Eb Dawson: But she's expecting to see my servants! What'll I tell her?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Just tell her the truth.
Eb Dawson: Yeah. How does this sound? My butler and maid drank up all my champagne and got stoned, and I had to fire 'em!
Lisa Douglas: That sounds good to me.


"Green Acres: Music to Milk By (#2.30)" (1967)
Oliver Douglas: [the vet is examining Eleanor the cow] Eh, doctor, eh, never mind Eleanor. See what you can do for my wife.

Lisa Douglas: It's just like in the movies, Oliver: everything ends happily. The fellow kisses the girl, and the cow's stomach starts to play music.
Oliver Douglas: Yeah... Television has a long way to go to catch up.


"Green Acres: Oliver and the Cornstalk (#5.12)" (1969)
Sam Drucker: [Lisa asks if he was able to order any caviar] No, but they told me they were coming out with a do it yourself caviar kit.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: A caviar kit?
Sam Drucker: Yeah, you cook up a box of tapioca and you stir in some licorice for color, and then add some sardine oil for the fish taste.
Lisa Douglas: Order me one of those!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [in bed, delivers another patriotic speech in bed while fife plays "Yankee Doodle" on soundtrack] Yes, I'm tired. But it's a proud tiredness. An American tiredness!
Lisa Douglas: [kisses him] Goodnight Oliver.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Good night dear.
Lisa Douglas: [turns off light, then turns it back on again] Oliver? Would you please tell the fellow to stop playing the fife. I want to go to sleep.


"Green Acres: Handy Lessons (#4.6)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [learning Lisa was upset] She had nothing to cry about. All I did was complain she out to be able to do a few things like changing light bulbs or hammering a nail in the wall.
Eb Dawson: How can she hammer a nail in the wall when it's got that big home in it?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: She made that hole.
Eb Dawson: And you say she's not handy!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb is glued to the TV] I said, "Did you see Mr. Douglas?"
Eb Dawson: No, sir. The only thing I've seen is "Petticoat Junction."
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eb, I'm not in the mood - Turn that thing off!
Eb Dawson: [watching intently] Huh?
Eb Dawson: [Oliver turns TV off] Mr. Douglas do you know what you just did?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: You silenced the work of hundreds of technicians and actors. Not to mention the relatives of the producer. Those people that slave in the fleshpots of Hollywood to bring you a few moments of happiness and joy, and you cut 'em off with the flick of your wrist!


"Green Acres: Jealousy (#6.3)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [telling Eb to save up to buy a car] I pay you more than enough. What do you do with your money?
Eb Dawson: I send it home to my mother so that she won't have to take in washing. I can't stand to see her kneeling by the side of a stream, pounding some stranger's shirt with a rock!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: If the stranger doesn't mind, then why should you?

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Sam says Eb was complaining about mistreatment] I treated him very well!
Sam Drucker: Only allowing him to have one sock? I don't consider that good treatment.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: One sock? Did he tell you that?
Sam Drucker: Yeah, and a lot of other things, too. Like how you used to hit 'em everytime his mother ruined one of your shirts when she beat it with a rock.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You didn't believe him, did you?
Sam Drucker: Not until he asked me to take off his leg irons!


"Green Acres: School Days (#2.15)" (1967)
Oliver Douglas: Lisa! When are you going to learn how to cook right?
Lisa Douglas: Stop yelling!
Oliver Douglas: I have a right to yell! This...
Lisa Douglas: One morning you don't get your hotcakes and you turn into be a beast.
Oliver Douglas: That's not true, I'm more of a beast when I get them!

Oliver Douglas: Lisa, we're not going to smooch, we're gonna talk about school.
Lisa Douglas: Oh. It's father-son time.
Oliver Douglas: It's husband-wife time.
Lisa Douglas: Then we are going to smooch.
[throws her arms around him]


"Green Acres: The Coming-Out Party (#6.2)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [pointing out the opening credits to Lori] Now watch carefully. First comes the Executive Producer.
[Executive Producer credit appears on screen]
Lisa Douglas: I don't know why he comes first. He must be a relative or something. Now comes the "Written by's."
[Writers credits appear on screen]
Lisa Douglas: They're number two, so they have to try harder. Now comes the most important one, "Directed by."
[Director credit appears on screen]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [walking into room] What are you two looking at?
Lori Baker: Mrs. Douglas is showing me the names.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What names?
Lisa Douglas: The ones we see once in a while.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [unable to order a part for his Hoyt-Clagwell tractor] How am I going to get the tractor running?
Sam Drucker: Maybe I could have Hammerin' Hanna make a doohickey for you.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who's Hammering Hanna?
Sam Drucker: She's the blacksmith over in Pixley. Her husband's a dentist. She hand forges all the braces for his patients.


"Green Acres: The Picnic (#5.22)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pitching his picnic package] Now, the picnic basket also contains this plastic chocolate layered cake.
Lisa Douglas: What's that for?
Eustace Charleton Haney: I'm glad you asked that.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to Haney] You would have told her anyway.
Eustace Charleton Haney: This is my patented ant attractor. You just place it on the ground at least five feet away from where you're eating, and the ants are attracted by the life-like look of the cake. And while you eat in peace, they're breaking their little teeth on the plastic.

Hank Kimball: [learning of Oliver and Lisa's picnic] Where are you going?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: We don't know yet.
Hank Kimball: Say, if you want a good picnic spot, I know just the place. It has all these beautiful trees, a stream runnin' through it, a waterfall...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [excited] That sound perfect! Where's that?
Hank Kimball: Yellowstone National Park.


"Green Acres: Eb Elopes (#3.8)" (1967)
Walter: Would you like to try a Stankwell Falls Fizz, sir?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What's that?
Walter: Two parts apple jack, two parts vermouth, a jigger of maple syrup and a prune.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [reading the elopement note left by Eb] The girl and I have been fairly good friends for years. I can't tell you her name because I don't want her father to know.
Lisa Douglas: That's strange. You'd think her father would know her name.


"Green Acres: A Pig in a Poke (#1.23)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: Darling, where is the trunk?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What do you need the trunk for? We're only gonna be there a week.
Lisa Douglas: Well we can't check into the Ritz Plaze with only 12 suitcases, everybody's going to think we're nobodies.

Mr. Haney: I know what you're looking for: this beautiful giant eggslicer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's a harp!
Mr. Haney: Correct. A Eggslicer harp, made personal by Horace Eggslicer, the last of the great harpmakers.


"Green Acres: The Hungarian Curse (#3.26)" (1968)
Lazlo Broslav: [on learning of the Monroe brothers' lawsuit] Don't worry. I'll handle the case for you. I used to do a little law work in Hungary.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I can handle the case myself. I'm an attorney.
Lazlo Broslav: I'm glad you got something to fall back on, the way you run this farm.

Lisa Douglas: [to Lazlo, over breakfast] What brings you to America?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sawing on Lisa's hotcakes unsuccessfully with a knife] Certainly not these miserable things!


"Green Acres: The Case of the Hooterville Refund Fraud (#5.21)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [looking at Oliver's refund check] Oh, $84.72! That's three dollars more than you made last year.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I made over 800 last year! And I paid too much income tax; this is the refund.
Lisa Douglas: Why don't you let them keep the refund and send you the $800.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, they wouldn't...
Lisa Douglas: Well, if you could cheat for $84, you could cheat for $800.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I did not cheat!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [unable to get the locals to return the money] They're going to invest the money in Mr. Haney's monkey racing track.
Fred Feldinger: What is that?
Lisa Douglas: It's a track where the monkeys race around chasing a wooden banana.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You know about them?
Lisa Douglas: Oh, yes. They had them all over Budapest. It was the biggest sport in Hungary. Well, not the biggest sport. The biggest sport was - Well, the government put a stop to that, too.
Fred Feldinger: Uh, what one was that?
Lisa Douglas: Goulash betting.


"Green Acres: Oh, Promise Me (#4.22)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb refuses to give Oliver his letters] Will you stop censoring my mail!
Eb Dawson: They're bills, and I know what a foul mood they always put you in.
Lisa Douglas: [to Eb] You're absolutely right!
Eb Dawson: It's better to censor your mail than it is to have to censor your language.
Lisa Douglas: [to Eb] You're absolutely right!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa! I don't need you telling him that he's right!
Eb Dawson: [to Oliver] You're absolutely right!.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [looking for Lisa] Where's Mrs. Douglas?
Eb Dawson: Who?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Mr. Douglas.
Eb Dawson: Oh, you mean the lady dentist.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, Eb...
Eb Dawson: Dr. Gronyitz is gone.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Gone?
Eb Dawson: Yeah. she packed up her drill and her laughing gas and left.


"Green Acres: Eb Uses His Ingenuity (#4.23)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [refusing to pay Eb $20 early] Eb, there's no reason why you should need an advance. You get a good salary. What do you do with it?
Eb Dawson: I send it home. They like a good laugh now and then, too.

Lisa Douglas: I need a new dress for the dance.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, you've got...
Lisa Douglas: All I need is $3000.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, you have to be out of your mind! $3000 for a dress?
Lisa Douglas: The dress is only $400, but the rest is for the plane ticket to go to Paris and to get it.


"Green Acres: The High Cost of Loving (#6.11)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [staggers outside from his first make-up lesson] Say, could somebody help me? I glued my eyes together.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You glued your -
[notices Eb's blacked-out teeth]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hey, what happened to your teeth?
Eb Dawson: I put the mascara on in the wrong place.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: When you first mentioned marriage to me, what did I tell you?
Eb Dawson: You told me marriage was like living in a concentration camp.
Lisa Douglas: Well!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I never said that!
Eb Dawson: Yes, you did.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When?
Eb Dawson: Right after you said, "If you're getting married for companionship, save your money. Buy a dog."
Lisa Douglas: Well!


"Green Acres: The Wedding Deal (#6.17)" (1971)
Mr. Wheeler: I suppose the wedding ceremorny ain't sacred to you! Anybody who'd get married in a laundrymat!
Lisa Douglas: When did you get married in a laundrymat?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I never got married...
Mr. Wheeler: Eb told me, he said they gave you a year's supply of detergent!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's an outright lie!
Lisa Douglas: Who did you give the detergent to?

Sam Drucker: The marriage business sure has fallen off around here since they opened that wedding chapel at the drive-in movie.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They have a wedding chapel in a drive-in movie?
Sam Drucker: Ah, well, you know how folks are now-a-days. They hate to get out of their cars.


"Green Acres: Home Is Where You Run Away From (#3.18)" (1968)
Gilbert Henshaw: Why did you move out there? Were you disbarred?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No. I came out here to get away from the rat race of the city. Out here where I could breathe the pure air
[background fife begins playing "Yankee Doodle"]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: work the fertile soil. Where a man can plant his seeds and watch 'em shoot upwards toward the sun and the sky, like our forefathers did. The farmer's the backbone of America. It's his gnarled hands, aching back that gives America its great strength. Without the farmer...
Gilbert Henshaw: How do you do that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: How do I do what?
Gilbert Henshaw: Talk and play the fife at the same time?

Eustace Charleton Haney: [describing the dress modeled by Nancy] Now this is a copy of a gen-u-wine imitation of an original Parisian design stolen by...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm looking for something for an 8-year-old boy.
Eustace Charleton Haney: You couldn't get anything better for an 8-year-old little boy than Nancy!


"Green Acres: Old Mail Day (#4.8)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: This so-called post office is a farce.

Sam Drucker: [tries to talk Oliver out of sending another hotheaded complaint letter, this one to the U.S. Post Office] Remember the last time you wrote a complaining letter?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: To whom?
Sam Drucker: Take your pick. They were all disasters.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, that's not...
Sam Drucker: It was two weeks to get our lights back on when you wrote to the electric company.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, that was...
Sam Drucker: We didn't get any water for a month after you wrote to the water company.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, well...
Sam Drucker: And there was the school bus fiasco, the condemned bridge fiasco... Well, uh, u name it, and it was a fiasco!


"Green Acres: The Rummage Sale (#4.2)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver has broken his leg] This is a fine honeymoon you've got me into!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm sorry, Lisa.
Lisa Douglas: I never would have married you if I'd known you were accident prune.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Prone!
Lisa Douglas: That's what you are. A prone prune!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [walks into bedroom] Lisa, have you seen the - What are all my clothes doing on the bed?
Lisa Douglas: I'm giving them to the old clothes sale.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's my whole wardrobe!
Lisa Douglas: You're very generous!


"Green Acres: What's in a Name? (#1.21)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [explaining how a spoon can stand upright in her coffee] We ran out of coffee, but I found a can on the shelf.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Of what?
Lisa Douglas: I don't know. There wasn't a label on it.

Lisa Douglas: Wait a moment, I have a surprise for you. I made it myself.
[holds up a men's shirt with practically no sleeves at all]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What is this?
Lisa Douglas: A shirt-sleeved short, it's for the exam.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: A shirt-sleeved...
Lisa Douglas: Yes, I made it out of your best shirt.


"Green Acres: Parity Begins at Home (#1.11)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Hank Kimball has just read aloud a confusing pamphlet] I don't understand what that means.
Hank Kimball: You don't? Well, you don't have to understand what it eh, it eh... It was printed in eh...
[turns to backcover]
Hank Kimball: ... Washington. Well, and when they print something in Washington, they know what it means.


"Green Acres: The Ex-Con (#5.18)" (1970)
Willie Dunhill: [says he appeared in a movie shot at the prison] The guy comes in and he puts the food down in front of me, and I took one look at it, and I said, "I ain't gonna eat this slop!"
[starts to pound his mug on the table]
Willie Dunhill: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!"
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [puts a hotcake on Oliver's plate] Here is your breakfast.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [after looking at the food, begins pounding his mug] I ain't gonna eat this slop! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!
Eb Dawson: Holy smoke! The warden's gone stir crazy!


"Green Acres: The Spring Festival (#3.23)" (1968)
Hank Kimball: This is some stuff for the festival.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, that stupid festival!
Hank Kimball: No, this is a spring festival. The stupid festival's next month.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, and you're going to be the king.
Hank Kimball: I am? Gosh, that makes three years in a row!


"Green Acres: A Kind Word for the President (#3.6)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Where's all the food you're gonna cook?
Lisa Douglas: [holds up small plastic bag containing white granules] In here.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh boy.
Lisa Douglas: This is a bag of Dee Dee's dehydrofacated Mason-Dixon chicken dinner.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Dee Dee's dehydrofacated - ?
Lisa Douglas: That means without water.


"Green Acres: Don't Call Us, We'll Call You (#1.10)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: We're having eggs this morning.
Mr. Haney: Eggs from little Alice. I told you when I sold that hen to ya, that she was a layer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [rolls eyes] Hah!
Lisa Douglas: I left her a note to make us three eggs, and she made us four!
Mr. Haney: Well she probably just don't recognize your handwriting yet.


"Green Acres: A Day in the Life of Oliver Wendell Holmes (#4.18)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: Who is this Brian Williams they mention on pages 1,2,3,1 and 4?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You don't know him? He grew up here in Hooterville.
Eb Dawson: Hmmm. Uh, is he a tall boy with green hair?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Green hair?
Eb Dawson: Naw, that was Betty Abernathy. She used to eat chlorophyll and it went to her head.


"Green Acres: The Carpenter's Ball (#6.22)" (1971)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [after the ball] Could we forget the whole thing? It was a shambles.
Lisa Douglas: It wasn't a complete shambles. You did come in third in the beauty contest.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I didn't enter the beauty contest. I was just walking by to get you a drink of water. Somebody pinned a ribbon on me.
Lisa Douglas: You could have won if you'd been nicer to the judges.


"Green Acres: Hawaiian Honeymoon (#6.25)" (1971)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: We've already had a second honeymoon, and a third, and a fourth.
Lisa Douglas: Why don't we make this a fifth, which is one of your favorite bottles.


"Green Acres: The Wish-Book (#5.14)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [describes Tessie] And from what I have heard, she strongly resembled you, Mrs. Douglas. She was as purddy as a birch tree in a field of rhododendrons.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Rhododendrons?
Eustace Charleton Haney: And like you Mrs. Douglas, she came from the old country.
Lisa Douglas: What old country?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Any old country. She couldn't get a passport.


"Green Acres: Lisa the Psychologist (#6.24)" (1971)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to sell a psychologist's couch] Junk? I'll have you know this is the very couch used by that famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Frood.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Sigmund Frood?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Or, "Siggy Baby" as Marie Antoinette used to call him. She was his first patient, ya know.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They weren't even around at the same time!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Oh, they was very careful not to be seen together, but many's a time "Siggy" psychoed Marie on this very couch.


"Green Acres: Alf and Ralph Break Up (#3.14)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [Oliver is upset when Ralph, a great cook, goes back to her brother] If food means that much to you maybe you should find someone else.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, when you married me you knew I couldn't cook, sew, keep house. All I could do was speak Hungarian and do impressions of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Who?


"Green Acres: Oliver's Double (#6.10)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [holding dictionary] I can't hold my silence any longer!
[points at Oliver]
Eb Dawson: That man there is a philanthropist!
[looks confused]
Eb Dawson: No, that's not right.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, for the love...
Eb Dawson: Philanderer!
Lisa Douglas: You mean he gives money away?
Eb Dawson: Uh, no ma'am.
[from dictionary]
Eb Dawson: It says right here: philanderer, one who is guilty of hanky-panky!


"Green Acres: Trapped (#5.16)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [discovering the room under the house] Oh, uh, it looks like it was used for a root cellar.
Lisa Douglas: What is that?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, farmers used them to store turnips and potatoes and things like that through the winter.
Lisa Douglas: Oh. We had something like this in Hungary except it was called goulash cellar.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Goulash cellar?
Lisa Douglas: Yes. My mother used to fix up this goulash, then, when she didn't feel like cooking, she would go down in the cellar and get a pots full.


"Green Acres: The Cow Killer (#5.19)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [having been accused of shooting Colby's cow] You're out of your mind!
Lisa Douglas: No, Oliver. You're the one who's out of your mind. That's how we're going to get you off. You're going to plead temporary insanintation.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sarcastically] Yeah. There's always been a streak of insanitation in my family.


"Green Acres: The Best Laid Plans (#1.4)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: [Oliver's first day actually farming] Okay, what do ya want to plant?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, you don't just go out in the fields and scatter around a hand full of seeds. You gotta plan what you're gonna plant.
Eb Dawson: Mr. Haney never did.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, and did Mr. Haney ever make any money on this farm?
Eb Dawson: Not until you came along and bought it.


"Green Acres: You Can't Plug in a 2 with a 6 (#1.9)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: [to Oliver who's holding up an electric iron] What's that for?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Haven't you ever used this?
Lisa Douglas: Oh yes. To hold the door open.


"Green Acres: Eb's Romance (#4.4)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb wants him to co-sign for his engagement ring] I don't sign anything unless I know what it is.
Eb Dawson: If I tell you want it is, you won't sign it.
Lisa Douglas: I'll sign it!
Eb Dawson: Thanks Mom!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop calling her Mom!
Eb Dawson: Well, if I call her Dad, you'll get jealous.


"Green Acres: Double Drick (#1.25)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: Lisa, three from seven leaves four, any schoolboy knows that!
Lisa Douglas: Well I was a schoolgirl. But I didn't find that out until I was twelve, I, I went to an all girl school.


"Green Acres: How to Succeed in Television Without Really Trying (#3.19)" (1968)
Doris Ziffel: [Dilly's camera broadcasts Oliver in his barn over area TV sets] It's Mr. Douglas!
Fred Ziffel: I didn't know he had his own TV show?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to his cow] Eleanor, will you - Moooooo!
Doris Ziffel: What kind of show is that?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know. Looks like he's giving the cow mooing lessons.


"Green Acres: Economy Flight to Washington (#4.19)" (1969)
Eustace Charleton Haney: While yer away on yer trip, ah thought you might like ta avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.
Oliver Douglas: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?!!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.


"Green Acres: It's So Peaceful in the Country (#2.17)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Chief Yellow Horse wants to buy Oliver's mother] That's out of the question, she's not for sale.
Chief Yellow Horse: Then how about young squaw? Give you four pigs and horse!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'd be cheating you. She only cost me two chickens and a sheep.
[rolls his eyes]


"Green Acres: A Prize in Every Package (#4.16)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: In Hungary, they had a wonderful cereal: shredded goulash. You can't get that here.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Thank goodness.


"Green Acres: No Trespassing (#3.15)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [at the lake] We won't go hungry after all. There are apples here.
Lisa Douglas: What are apple ears?


"Green Acres: The Man for the Job (#3.1)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: [after the credits have disappeared from the hotcakes and toast] The names just stay on long enough for their mothers to see them.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, Have you been sniffing your paprika again?


"Green Acres: Furniture, Furniture, Who's Got the Furniture? (#1.6)" (1965)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to pass off an eye chart as wall paper] How about "Doctor's waiting room?"
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No!
Eustace Charleton Haney: It's real practical. You can sit anywhere in the living room and check your eyes.


"Green Acres: The Free Paint Job (#6.15)" (1971)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [the dish looks as bad what Lisa cooked] You call that spaghetti and meatballs?
Waiter: Sorry, Mac. We just got a new Hungarian cook.
Lisa Douglas: Hungarian?
[stands up]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Where are you going?
Lisa Douglas: To say hello to the cook! He may be my mudder!


"Green Acres: Lisa the Helpmate (#1.8)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, how are you Mr. Kimball? I suppose you heard about the soil reports.
Hank Kimball: Heard about it? The state university's been burning up the wire! Well, they didn't actually burn. They called Washington!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Washington?
Hank Kimball: The city, not the man. Well, I mean, he's been - You probably read about that.


"Green Acres: A Star Named Arnold Is Born: Part 2 (#3.30)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [Arnold's poses poolside wearing sunglasses with Oliver holding his drink] Oliver, don't hold the glass so high. You're hiding Arnold's face.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm doing him a favor!


"Green Acres: The Blue Feather (#4.11)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa explains the blue feather curse] Oh, here we go with another silly Hungarian superstition.
Lisa Douglas: You wouldn't say it was silly if you saw what happened to my uncle after she got the blue feather.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your uncle after she got - ?
Lisa Douglas: He used to be my aunt. That was only the beginning. The next thing that happened to him was he grew a tail!


"Green Acres: Jealousy, English Style (#3.12)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [trying to explain to Lisa why she can't go] No, it's not a stag party. It's a farm symposium.
Lisa Douglas: What's a symposium?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, a lot of men sit around a long table and-...
Lisa Douglas: And the girl comes out of the cake.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No. No girl comes out of a cake!
Lisa Douglas: What does she come out of?


"Green Acres: Uncle Fedor (#5.24)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [in bed with sleeping Oliver] Oliver, you want to wake up and watch the names?
[Executive Producer credit appears on screen]
Lisa Douglas: Oliver! You missed the Executive Producer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The Exec - Lisa, please.
[Writers credit appears, Lisa nudges Oliver]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Lisa Douglas: You blew the "Written By's," too!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, will you please let me sleep?
[Director credit appears, nudges Oliver]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What now?
Lisa Douglas: I just wanted to tell you that the names are all through and you can go back to sleep.


"Green Acres: Oliver's Schoolgirl Crush (#5.10)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Lisa wants to go to the movies] What's playing?
Lisa Douglas: The Atomic Pizza.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The Atomic" - ?
Lisa Douglas: It's about this scientist who's in love with this Italian girl who owns her own pizza parlor. But she doesn't like him, so to get even with her, he pours some radioactive stuff on her pizza. This makes the pepperonis grow and before you know it pepperoni's rule the world!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sarcastically] Oh, that sounds like a real Jim Dandy.
Lisa Douglas: It's made by the same studio that made The Human Hamburger Goes to Hawaii. Remember that, where the hamburger was born with the brains and...


"Green Acres: Hail to the Fire Chief (#4.3)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [fining Haney on phony fire violations] Oh, I'm sorry. That's going to cost you $18.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, why?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Section 14 of the fire prevention code states that a connected soldering iron must be at least 30 feet from an unflameproofed wooden Indian.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, it was. It was. But, uh, while I was working, uh, the Indian moved over closer to watch me.


"Green Acres: The City Kids (#6.1)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [ridiculing Oliver's crops] I never saw corn growing until we moved out here four years ago. Come to think of it, I still haven't seen it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Are you two through with your sarcasm?
Eb Dawson: Not yet. Mention your tomatoes.
Lisa Douglas: Or your apples.
Eb Dawson: Or your squash.
Lisa Douglas: Or your carrots.
Eb Dawson: Or we can succotash the whole thing up and make one big sarcasm out of it.


"Petticoat Junction: Joe Carson, General Contractor (#3.5)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, how could you possibly have made a deal with Mr. Carson?
Lisa Douglas: But, he made such good sense.
Kate Bradley: Uncle Joe made good sense?
Lisa Douglas: Yes. He agreed with everything I said.


"Green Acres: How Hooterville Was Floundered (#4.10)" (1968)
Uncle Joe Carson: [giving his plans for the celebration] At 8:30, we march to the station to greet the governor.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What governor?
Uncle Joe Carson: Well, I ain't sure. I invited all 52 of 'em. One of 'em outta show up.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, boy.
Uncle Joe Carson: Now we take which ever governor shows up first and march him to the town square and show him the cement slab where someday we're gonna erect a statue of Horace Hooter.


"Green Acres: The Marital Vacation (#4.15)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb fears the Douglases are breaking up] She's not leaving me. We're taking a vacation from each other because we're beginning to get on each other's nerves.
Eb Dawson: You get on my nerves, and I don't want to take a vacation from you!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, Eb...
Lisa Douglas: [arrives at the car] I'm ready.
Eb Dawson: [drops to his knees and begs] Please Mom, don't go! Dad's sorry! That other woman didn't really mean anything to him!
Lisa Douglas: What other woman!


"Green Acres: Neighborliness (#1.7)" (1965)
Hank Kimball: I'll, uh, leave you a couple of bulletins from the department. Maybe give you a little help there.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, thank you! You know, you county agents certainly perform a great service to us farmers.
Hank Kimball: Well, it's our job to help people who don't know what they're doing.


"Green Acres: A Star Named Arnold Is Born: Part 1 (#3.29)" (1968)
Eb Dawson: [reading one of Arnold the Pig's reviews] The Pixley Press says he's the greatest thing to hit the stage since Laurence Olivier.
Lisa Douglas: They did?
Eb Dawson: Yes! Who is she?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's a he, and how dare they compare a pig to a great actor!
Eb Dawson: The Ziffels sure are excited about him. They always wanted Arnold to be a veterinarian, but now they've decided to let him take up acting as a career!


"Green Acres: The Birthday Gift (#4.13)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [after first hearing Mr. Fred talk] No, its not possible! Awwww. That's very funny. Alright Eb, where are you?
Mr. Fred: He went out an hour ago.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, I didn't ask you!


"Green Acres: The Rains Came (#1.30)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: Your honor, the plaintiff claims that it was because of Chief Thundercloud's rain dance that it rained. I claim that it was the act of washing the car that caused it to rain. Everybody knows, that the minute you wash your car, it's rains!


"Green Acres: Law Partners (#4.17)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You know, here a man can practice the law of Abraham Lincoln.
[a fife begins playing "Glory Glory Hallelujah" in the background]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You know, it was in a town no bigger than this where Lincoln first hung out his shingle, dedicating his life to bringing the protection of the law to all people, regardless of race, creed or color.
Lisa Douglas: [noticing soundtrack] Oliver, the fife player has a new tune!


"Green Acres: King Oliver I (#6.20)" (1971)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [writing irate letter over the tax increase] Why don't you write a letter to the governor! Everybody in town ought to write one!
Lisa Douglas: Oliver, remember the last time you told everybody in town to write to the electristical company?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah! It got action, didn't it!
Lisa Douglas: Yes. They cut off our electristical.


"Green Acres: Four of Spades (#5.7)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [scoffing at Lisa's fortune telling] I'm not interested in that nonsense.
Lisa Douglas: Nonsense? It's a lucky thing you're not a Hungarian, or you'd be in big trouble with the Gypsies.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [disinterested] Wow. That's...
Lisa Douglas: Do you know what they do to you for making fun of fortune telling? They turn you into a chicken!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: A chick - ?
Lisa Douglas: Or a duck, or a goose. When they get mad, there's no telling what they do to you. They turned a girlfriend of mine into a rabbit. She's working in the Playboy club in Budapest.


"Green Acres: The Great Mayoralty Campaign (#6.6)" (1970)
Fred Ziffel: [planning campaign strategy] We've got to change your image.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: To what?
Fred Ziffel: To something less gruesome.


"Green Acres: My Mother, the Countess (#3.22)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [explaining how her father became a count] He had something on the king.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What king?
Lisa Douglas: The one who forgot to pull down the shades at the palace.


"Green Acres: A Tale of a Tail (#5.4)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [reading story from newspaper] Arnold will be accompanied to Chicago by Oliver Wendell Douglas, the famous pig lawyer!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [irritated] Pig lawyer?
Lisa Douglas: And when you went to Harvard they said you wouldn't amount to anything.


"Green Acres: The Confrontation (#5.20)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Life is a compromise. We all have to do things that are distasteful to us. You have to give a little to get a little. We all want to save face. But the really big man is the man who can admit: he's wrong.


"Green Acres: Guess Who's Not Going to the Luau? (#4.1)" (1968)
Mr. Robertson: You're a pig lawyer?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [hating to be called that] I resent...
Lisa Douglas: There's nothing to resent. He's the best pig lawyer in the entire state!


"Green Acres: Everywhere a Chick Chick (#4.14)" (1969)
Sam Drucker: [tearfully recounting the trials of the heroine on the soap "Tomorrow Will Be Brighter"] She could hardly read the letter she got from her boyfriend.
Lisa Douglas: The jockey?
Sam Drucker: No, no. The one who was sick all the time. He wrote her to tell her he was a'runnin' off with the lady druggist. He didn't really love her; it was the only way he could figure to get his medicines at a discount.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Mr. Drucker, if you don't mind, I'd like to order...
Lisa Douglas: Just a minute. I want to find out what's going to happen to that poor woman.
Sam Drucker: Oh, things are gonna get worse, much worse. Some NUT talked her into raisin' chickens!


"Green Acres: The Youth Center (#5.8)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: I always used to say to my father the king, "My father the king," I used to say to him...
Oliver Douglas: Your father was never a king.
Lisa Douglas: Then why did we live in a castle?
Oliver Douglas: You never lived in a castle.
Lisa Douglas: Then why did the knights come over for dinner?
Oliver Douglas: What knights?
Lisa Douglas: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but not Thursday because that was the maid's night out. Or was that when the knights made out?


"Green Acres: Wings Over Hooterville (#2.1)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [meeting Oliver during WWII] I don't think you're really an American.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why not?
Lisa Douglas: You spend more time talking than smooching.


"Green Acres: The Candidate (#4.5)" (1968)
Ben Hanks: [Oliver's introduced as a lawyer] Glad to meet a bona fide practicing member of the bar.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, no. I gave up my practice in New York when I cam out here.
Ben Hanks: Oh. Disbarred, huh?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I was not disbarred!
Ben Hanks: Now, now, sir. We all have something in the past that we try to hide and I don't hold nothing against no man. I'm glad to know you Mr. Dingle!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Uh, Douglas.
Ben Hanks: Ah. Good idea, changing your name to get a fresh start!


"Green Acres: The Good Old Days (#2.7)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, Mr. Thompson lists a few things here that a farmer should look for in a wife: she should be strong of limb, have good wind, large hands and sturdy legs.
Lisa Douglas: If that's what you want, you should have married my father.


"Green Acres: Charlie, Homer, and Natasha (#6.13)" (1970)
Sam Drucker: [Oliver explains that Charlie doesn't exist] Ohhhhh, I see. Well, that's not unusual. I remember when I was a little kid, I used to have a little imaginary friend. Didn't you?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No.
Sam Drucker: Well, you were rich! I guess you could afford to have real friends.