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Quotes for
Dennis Finch (Character)
from "Just Shoot Me!" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Just Shoot Me!: Miss Pretty (#3.18)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Our meetings have been a disorganized mess lately. So last night I wrote down ideas on how to improve them.
Dennis Finch: Let me see. All it says here is the word "Ideas" and drawings of fighter planes blowing up Godzilla.
Jack Gallo: Not bad, eh?

Nina Van Horn: Sorry I'm late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Dennis Finch: Oh, did Dorothy's house fall on you?
Nina Van Horn: Back off, Munchkin.

Jack Gallo: Will everyone please focus?
Dennis Finch: Jack, your new Slushie machine is here.
Jack Gallo: Meeting adjourned.

Nina Van Horn: Dennis, is it worth cutting off a toe to fit into a really great pair of shoes?
Dennis Finch: They make your legs look great.
Nina Van Horn: Good bye, little piggy.

Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God! Carol Flankenship. Where can I hide?
Dennis Finch: Quick, behind this pencil.

Maya Gallo: Get me a meeting with him. Today, if possible.
Dennis Finch: That's not my job.
Maya Gallo: What is your job?
Dennis Finch: No one knows.

Kurt: What kind of freak writes this?
Dennis Finch: He's kind of a loner. Rides from town to town on a Harley. Running from a crime he didn't commit, but taking time out to keep the ladies happy.
Kurt: It's you, isn't it?
Dennis Finch: Yes.

Dennis Finch: You think I asked for this talent? I'ts a curse. You think Peter Parker wanted to be bitten by that radioactive spider?
Kurt: No.
Dennis Finch: That's right. But being a superhero, he did his duty. And by the way, that guy wore spandex, which is way gayer than anything I'm doing.

Dennis Finch: Thank God you could make it.
Kurt: Make it fast. I'm getting ready for a deposition.
Dennis Finch: Calm down, you're not a real lawyer, you're a professional victim.
Kurt: I have three days to nail down the symptoms of rabies. I won't get a nickel unless I'm foaming like the Jersey shore.

Kurt: Finch, you suck.
Dennis Finch: You suck.
Kurt: Well, guess what? My sister called and she said you have hands like a girl.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, well, she has boobs like a boy.

Dennis Finch: If word of this got around where I work, the teasing will not stop, and believe me, I have it coming.

"Just Shoot Me!: Softball (#3.21)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: What position do you play?
Dennis Finch: Catcher. Also the manager. Because of the three P's: poise, patience, and psex appeal.

Glenn: I, for one, do not enjoy looking like a fool.
Dennis Finch: You're gonna have to take that one up with God.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, have you seen my Louisville Slugger?
Dennis Finch: Don't you remember? You were swinging it around in your office and it flew out of your hands and out the window.
Jack Gallo: Doesn't ring a bell.
Dennis Finch: Oh, come on. It fell twenty-three stories, went through the roof of a Gypsy cab and gave that German tourist a deep thigh bruise.
Jack Gallo: Oh, yeah. Master race my ass. That guy was crying like a baby.

Maya Gallo: I didn't know we had a softball team.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, we have our annual game against Cosmo this Saturday.
Maya Gallo: I don't remember a game last year.
Dennis Finch: Well, it was called on account of a minor incident the year before. Nina provided protein drinks and we had to forfeit the game because we thought the world was being attacked by giant hummingbirds.

Dennis Finch: I just got off the phone with my contact from the National Weather Center.
Elliot DiMauro: You mean the recording?

Nina Van Horn: Hey, Maya. We're thinking on a nickname for you.
Maya Gallo: I don't want a nickname. I wanna pitch.
Elliot DiMauro: How about Swifty?
Glenn: Rocket?
Dennis Finch: Screamer?
Nina Van Horn: Already taken.

Elliot DiMauro: [thinking] Springtime. Hope. Baseball. Through all our tribulant times, one thing never changes: baseball.
Dennis Finch: Hey, Clueless Joe. Cup goes in front.

Dennis Finch: Hey, new guy. Can you hit?
Steve Garvey: Well, I was the National League MVP...
Dennis Finch: Yeah, whatever. Grab a bat.

Maya Gallo: Shouldn't we go practice?
Dennis Finch: Not in this weather. There's something about my shape and chemical composition that makes me a human lighting rod.
Maya Gallo: It's just rain! You're not going to melt!
Nina Van Horn: Sure. That's what they told my best friend Binnie.

Dennis Finch: Maya, I'm taking you out of the game.
Maya Gallo: Yeah? You and how many Green Berets?

Dennis Finch: I know you like to think of this as your team, but remember, this is my team. My team! I don't ask that you to love me, but I do demand your respect.
[to pretty woman]
Dennis Finch: Scratch that. I ask you to love me.

"Just Shoot Me!: The List (#3.8)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: Guess what I have?
Dennis Finch: Why, are they baffled down at the clinic?

Bartender: Hey, you're that big Star Wars fan, right?
Dennis Finch: Oh, I wouldn't say fan. I found the films an amusing diversion. Why?
Bartender: Because Mark Hamill is sitting right behind you.
Dennis Finch: Luke!

Mark Hamill: I'm asking you nicely to leave.
Dennis Finch: That's what the cop at the convention said.

Nina Van Horn: Mark Hamill. Remember me?
Dennis Finch: Nina. No, no.
Nina Van Horn: Fox Studios, 1976. I was auditioning for the role of Princess Leia.
Mark Hamill: I'm afraid I don't.
Nina Van Horn: I was the one who fired that prop gun and accidentally shot Mr. Lucas, he was crying "I've been blinded!",
Dennis Finch: Nina...
[pushes Nina away]
Nina Van Horn: If you see that tall man in the dog suit, tell him all is forgiven.

Dennis Finch: It's not like that. Mark treats me as his equal.
Maya Gallo: Oh, really? Does he have action figures of you on his nightstand?

Dennis Finch: [through intercom] It's Dennis.
Mark Hamill: ...and Mark Hamill.
Dennis Finch: Hey, guy, back off. Jack, your Barney tickets came through, but it's the same day as the Prada party. What do you want to do?
Jack Gallo: Barney.
Dennis Finch: Right. I'll run the Prada invitations through the shredder.
[makes shredder noises]
Jack Gallo: Dennis, the shredder's in my office.
Mark Hamill: Copy that, red leader.

[Dennis is shredding invitations Jack can't go to]
Dennis Finch: The annual Playboy pajama party?
Jack Gallo: Please. Half-naked bimbos running around yelling, "The pool's cold! The pool's cold!" Who needs it?
Dennis Finch: I hear ya.
[makes shredder noises while pocketing the invitation]

Dennis Finch: Who is your secret source?
Nina Van Horn: An ex-lover of mine. I can't be more specific than that.
Elliot DiMauro: Nina, you've got to start getting their first names.

Nina Van Horn: We have a crisis.
Dennis Finch: I told you, I put the scotch in the left hand drawer.
Nina Van Horn: Yes, and that's five frantic minutes I'm never getting back.

Mark Hamill: Are you telling me that machine collates and staples?
Dennis Finch: That's right.
Mark Hamill: We could have used one of those on the Millennium Falcon.

Jack Gallo: Dead last?
Dennis Finch: If it's any consolation, your buddy Donald Trump plummeted to number five.

"Just Shoot Me!: La Cage (#2.4)" (1997)
Elliot DiMauro: Licking stamps?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, I was. Now I'm just answering obvious questions.
Nikki Ellston: Hi. Licking stamps?
Dennis Finch: Good question. Yes, I am.

Dennis Finch: Could have warned me about the cage.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah, I'm going around telling everyone I was locked in a cage. I warned you to stay away from her. You are going to stay away from her, right?
Dennis Finch: Yes, definitely... Probably not.
Elliot DiMauro: She put you in a cage.
Dennis Finch: Well, when you think about it, we all live in a cage. Isn't society, by nature, the biggest cage of all?
Elliot DiMauro: Society doesn't take the key with it when it goes to Starbucks.

Nikki Ellston: What are you doing later?
Dennis Finch: [in disbelief yet almost accusatory] Are you asking me out?
Nikki Ellston: I think it'd be fun.
Dennis Finch: Maybe we're not on the same page here, here. Um, you mean, going out? Like in dinner, a movie... naughty time?
Nikki Ellston: Mmm, I don't eat dinner - and I hate movies - so... when do you think you'll be able to get out from behind that desk?
Dennis Finch: It's gonna be a couple minutes.

Elliot DiMauro: This is the beginning of your worst nightmare.
Dennis Finch: No, my worst nightmare involves being covered in frogs.

Jack Gallo: The budget is extremely tight right now.
Nina Van Horn: Really?
Jack Gallo: Yes. We all have to make sacrifices.
Dennis Finch: Jack, your solid gold spy pen just arrived.

Elliot DiMauro: She left you in the woods, buddy. Nice girls don't do that.
Dennis Finch: Yeah! There were bees, and other loud things.
Nikki Ellston: Those were just tree frogs.
Dennis Finch: Tree frogs? Good God! If I had known that earlier, I would have run into a big rock and killed myself!

Dennis Finch: Hey.
Elliot DiMauro: Finch, this is an intervention.
Dennis Finch: [to Nina] Ha, ha, ha! I knew those weren't vitamins!

Dennis Finch: A man doesn't go sprinting through the sticker bushes in his underpants without coming out a little wiser.

Elliot DiMauro: You don't understand. Nikki, she... she has a wild side.
Dennis Finch: Oh, poor, puritanical, horse-and-buggy-driving Jedediah.
Elliot DiMauro: You're going to regret this.
Dennis Finch: The only thing I regret is not putting talcum on under these pants.

Dennis Finch: The cage was the last straw for you, wasn't it?
Elliot DiMauro: Right after the cage. And a little time after that - boom! - it was over.

Dennis Finch: Jack, I'm going out.
Jack Gallo: Remember, stay away from that Nikki.
Dennis Finch: I'm going to a party with her.
Jack Gallo: Have fun!

"Just Shoot Me!: Hello Goodbye (#4.6)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: Don't you think you're taking this honesty thing just a little too far?
Dennis Finch: Au contraire, mon frere without hair.

Dennis Finch: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Adrienne Barker: Ooh, we should split a grapefruit?

Dennis Finch: Yo, Kevin. How's life on the mail room?
Kevin Liotta: I'm still *sorting* that out.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. Nice *delivery*.
Kevin Liotta: Huh?

Amy: Gentlemen, we are now privy to all thinks Lucas. Ooh, check it out! Character descriptions from the next movie.
Dennis Finch: "Baki-kwa. A shark with legs and a Mexican accent." How does he do it?

Adrienne Barker: Your friends are perverts.
Dennis Finch: What do you mean?
Adrienne Barker: All my underwear is gone.
Dennis Finch: If you keep your panties in an unlocked drawer, you're dancing with the devil.

Dennis Finch: I'm dating one of the most beautiful women in the world, and I have feelings for another woman.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, I don't want to be involved.
Dennis Finch: She's right outside.
Jack Gallo: I'll pretend I'm getting a doughnut.

Dennis Finch: That's it, I'll do something romantic.
Jack Gallo: There you go.
Dennis Finch: Maybe a poem.
Jack Gallo: Nothing in writing! Well, at least avoid the phrase, "I owe you everything."

Kevin Liotta: Hey, Finch. The guys took a vote, and we all agree that your wife is the one we most like to see wrestle Xena in the slave pit.
Dennis Finch: Okay, let's go mingle, and tone down the drool.

Adrienne Barker: Hello? I'm on the phone.
Dennis Finch: Hello? Hello? Will you stop saying that? It wasn't clever ten years ago, what makes you think you have a fresh spin on it?
Adrienne Barker: Dennis, what's the matter with you?
Dennis Finch: Me? You're the one yakking on the phone in the middle of a romantic dinner!
Adrienne Barker: At least I don't drone on and on about some stupid sci-fi movie!
Dennis Finch: Any one of which you would kill to be in!
Adrienne Barker: Yeah, but not watch a thousand times with a bowl of Lucky Charms on my lap!
Dennis Finch: That's a cheap shot! I'm hypoglycemic!
Adrienne Barker: You're hypo-everything!
Dennis Finch: Then maybe I shouldn't be your husband!

Dennis Finch: Aren't you coming to bed?
Adrienne Barker: Hello? I have to take out my contacts, silly.
Dennis Finch: [low, mocking voice] Hello? Your hellos are getting annoying!
Adrienne Barker: Hello? I can't understand you when you mumble?

"Just Shoot Me!: King Lear Jet (#2.5)" (1997)
Jack Gallo: [looking at a photo] Uh-oh, nipple.
Dennis Finch: Really? Give it! I see, there's Waldo. Good eye, chief.
Elliot DiMauro: Let me see. Oh, yeah, turkey's done.
Maya Gallo: Hopefully, this concludes Mutual of Omaha's Nipple Safari.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, Maya. I forgot you were still here.
Maya Gallo: Well, it was my fault for wearing a shirt.

Dennis Finch: Jack, that was Ally. Something about King Lear.
Maya Gallo: King Lear?
Dennis Finch: You know, to snore or not to snore?

Nina Van Horn: I always hated Shakespeare in high school.
Dennis Finch: Why, did he write something mean in your yearbook?

Dennis Finch: Carmen.
Carmen Electra: Finch.
Dennis Finch: [offers a hug] What, no hug?
Carmen Electra: Finch, I already hugged you twenty minutes ago in the lobby.
Dennis Finch: Oh, right. I forgot. Forgive me?
[they hug]
Elliot DiMauro: Mr. Finch, please don't squeeze the Carmen.

Dennis Finch: Ah, I see Carmen Electra made the cover.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah - great shot, isn't it? Notice how I made her sexuality leap off the page.
Dennis Finch: Oh, yeah - you're a genius. You took a picture of one of the hottest women in the world and somehow made her look beautiful. What's your secret - are you using some kind of film?

[discussing Elliott's cover shot of Carmen Electra]
Elliot DiMauro: I can't wait to show it to her.
Dennis Finch: She's just gonna turn you down again, pal.
Elliot DiMauro: Nobody says no to Elliott DiMauro... fifty-three times.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, there's a fine between courting and stalking. A Connecticut judge once spelled it out for me.

Elliot DiMauro: Carmen loves me. She just doesn't know how to express it.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. That's it. She can't express it. Maybe this is what she's thinking.
[tears the picture of Carmen Electra off the cover, tears a hole where her lips are, and puts it in front of his face, the mouth going on the hole]
Dennis Finch: Oh, Elliot. I'm Carmen Electra from TV's Baywatch. Get lost, you pasty freak. I wouldn't even let my stunt double give you mouth-to-mouth.
Elliot DiMauro: That's cute. But this is what she's really thinking.
[takes the photo and puts it to his face]
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, Elliot. Not only are you a genius, but you are the sexiest guy on the beach. I'd like to run in slow motion towards you and climb your lifeguard tower. Oh, help me! The riptide's got me! I'm going down! I'm going down!
Carmen Electra: Elliot, are you through?
Elliot DiMauro: Carmen.
Dennis Finch: Care to make it 54?

Jack Gallo: Does anyone else mind if I call Maya peanut?
Dennis Finch: You should hear what we call her.

Jack Gallo: [his electronic door is acting up] Dennis!
Dennis Finch: What?
Jack Gallo: I can't get the door to stop doing that thing! Is someone using the microwave?
Dennis Finch: Yeah. Baxter is making a baked potato.
Jack Gallo: Get in here and help me!
Dennis Finch: Are you wasted? I'm not going anywhere near that thing. It's like a John Carpenter movie.

Dennis Finch: Oh, you hate to see this.
Maya Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: You're the only woman in here. That kind of boy-girl ratio does not favor the Finch.

"Just Shoot Me!: What the Teddy Bear Saw (#3.1)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, what's the name of that song I like?
Dennis Finch: Theme from Shaft.
Jack Gallo: That's it.

Nina Van Horn: I'm back.
Jack Gallo: Did you go somewhere?
Nina Van Horn: A self-actualization seminar called Me First.
Dennis Finch: Drama queen camp.
Jack Gallo: Oh.

Maya Gallo: Dennis, is my father ready to review articles.
Dennis Finch: No. He's still with Hannah and that freaky nanny.
Maya Gallo: I think April's nice.
Dennis Finch: She keeps calling me Button.
Maya Gallo: So?
Dennis Finch: So? In the mean streets where I grew up, Button is what they used to call the weaker kids.
Elliot DiMauro: You grew up in a nice suburb of Albany.
Dennis Finch: In the baddest-ass cul-de-sac in all of Shady Brooks Estates. South of the golf course.
Maya Gallo: Well, at least you made it out, man.
Dennis Finch: Sometimes I think going back there, give something back. Maybe volunteering at the tennis club, maybe the marina.

Dennis Finch: I'm Jack Gallo, and what I say goes! I'm the boss, and I'm a blabbering blabbity blah!

Nina Van Horn: I went to this self-actualization seminar called Me First. It's very complicated, but basically they taught me that I am the center of the universe.
Dennis Finch: What's next week, tall and skinny camp?

Dennis Finch: [playing with Jack's sword] Dennis, this ancient sword was a present from Trump himself. Never use it. More salami?
[slices salami with sword]

April: I'm freaking out now! Here it comes!
[squeaks feebly]
Dennis Finch: That was it? Thank God. I was expecting you to...
[April shrieks at the top of her lungs]

Jack Gallo: What's going on?
[April screams and runs off]
Jack Gallo: Dennis?
Dennis Finch: What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. We live in a world where our privacy is taking a back seat to the ever watchful eye of Big Brother. Security cameras in our homes? What's next, bar codes on our heads? Shame on you, Jack Gallo. Shame on you and all the fascists chipping away at our personal freedoms.
Jack Gallo: You schtupped my nanny, didn't you?
Dennis Finch: Twice.

April: I think we have everything. Your binky, your baa-baa, your moo-moo... Am I forgeting something?
Dennis Finch: Uh, your adult vocabulary?

Nina Van Horn: Don't worry. He couldn't run this place without you.
Dennis Finch: Thanks.
Nina Van Horn: No, I was talking to myself.

"Just Shoot Me!: Fast Times at Finchmont High (#4.24)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: We just need to find someone who can pass for a high school kid.
Maya Gallo: Yeah, but where?
Dennis Finch: He he! You said "buttwear."

Mr. Peters: What's your name, young man?
Dennis Finch: D. Finch.
Mr. Peters: And the D stands for?
Dennis Finch: D-cup, that's the way I like my ladies.

Dennis Finch: I hated high school the first time around. I was too fragile to play sports, never have a date, never went to the prom...
Maya Gallo: But you must have had friends.
Dennis Finch: Just a bunch of guys who called me Denise and took my pants.

Krissy: You know, your mind games may work on Mr. Peters, but not me. I dont' have any secrets, I have nothing to hide.
Dennis Finch: Good for you. By the way, nice nose job.
Krissy: Shut up, D-bag!

Maya Gallo: You're a 33-year old going on a date with a high school cheerleader!
Dennis Finch: Head cheerleader. Top of the pyramid.
Maya Gallo: [sarcastic] Oh, bitchin'.
Dennis Finch: First of all, no one says "bitchin'" anymore. And secondly, it is bitchin'. I'm going back to high school and this time I'm doing it right.

Krissy: I've totally fallen in love you, and nothing you say can change that.
Dennis Finch: Oh, Krissy. I'm 33 years old. I know that might be cool to your gang...
Krissy: Ew!
Dennis Finch: Let me explain...
Krissy: Ew! Ew, ew, ew! D-cup is 33! The old guy totally wanted to perv on me at the lake!

Mr. Peters: Very nice. That's going to look real good on your permanent record.
Dennis Finch: Oh, no. Not my permanent record. Now I can't be an English teacher and wear a high-energy sweater vest.
Mr. Peters: I warn you.
Dennis Finch: Let me guess. You became an English teacher just until you could finish your serious novel.
Mr. Peters: That's enough.
Dennis Finch: And you it's fifteen years later, and you're afraid to show it to your wife because it's not any good.
Mr. Peters: It's a work in progress!

Dennis Finch: Sorry I went all Road Rules on you.
Krissy: Oh, it was more than Road Rules. It was Real World Hawaii.

Nina Van Horn: I looked straight at the navel of the beast and said, "No, gracias."
Dennis Finch: I had a chance to D-Finch a high-school girl, possibly in a paddle boat, and I too said, "No, gracias."
Nina Van Horn: Mine was Spanish.
Dennis Finch: Mine took Spanish.

"Just Shoot Me!: Secretary's Day (#1.3)" (1997)
Dennis Finch: I have a bad case of screw-this-placeitis.

Jack Gallo: Where's the speech to the publishers?
Dennis Finch: On your computer. It's on a file marked, and try to follow me, Speech to the Publishers.
Jack Gallo: Ha! Computers.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, scary. But you'll get used to them, just like fire.

Dennis Finch: Please, I've had enough contact with dominant females.
Maya Gallo: Yes, but unlike the gorilla, I won't be giving you a tongue bath.

Jack Gallo: As my father used to say, "the only job to be ashamed of is a job poorly done."
Dennis Finch: What did he do?
Jack Gallo: He wrote inspirational sentences on posters.

Dennis Finch: I'm not a secretary!
Elliot DiMauro: I'm confused. Don't you file, and answer phones, and type letters?
Dennis Finch: What's your point?
Elliot DiMauro: You're not an astronaut.

Nikki: How did you fell in?
Dennis Finch: Well, as I told channels two, four and seven, I was saving a toddler who was perched on the rail.
Elliot DiMauro: Really? My cousin works at the zoo. He said you were running from a peacock.
Dennis Finch: A. I was jogging, B. your cousin's a liar, and C. some peacocks are poisonous.

Jack Gallo: See what happens when you leave in the middle of a workday?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, the Banana Council offers you three times your salary to be their spokesman.
Maya Gallo: Wow, that's great. Isn't it, dad?
Jack Gallo: Yes, we're all very impressed you fell into the monkey pit.

Jack Gallo: How long have you been with me, Dennis?
Dennis Finch: Eight years.
Jack Gallo: No kidding? That's longer than any of my marriages.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, but I bet they got more money off ya.

Dennis Finch: I know what you're trying to do, but you wouldn't understand. In this town, you are your job, and I'm about one inch away from wearing a hair net.

"Just Shoot Me!: Pass the Salt (#2.13)" (1998)
[Finch's father thinks he's gay, and he's trying to convince him that he's not]
Red Finch: I'm sorry I missed all those signs when you were growing up.
Dennis Finch: What signs?
Red Finch: That "special relationship" you had with that effeminate guy Kelly.
Dennis Finch: Kelly was a girl!
Red Finch: Wearing a baseball cap? I don't think so. And what about that time you fell off the roof? Ah, you screamed like a baby.
Dennis Finch: I was 5! I landed on a rake, I split my head open! They said I'm lucky to be alive!
Red Finch: Okay, okay, don't throw a hissy fit!

[Finch's father thinks he's gay, and he's trying to convince him he's not. Elliot walks by]
Dennis Finch: Do me a favor, please explain to my dad that I'm not gay?
Elliot DiMauro: You are so cute when you try to act butch.
[grabs Dennis and kisses him]

Dennis Finch: I come from a long line of firemen. My grandpa, two uncles, both my brothers.
Maya Gallo: So you're the only one in your family who's not a fireman.
Elliot DiMauro: There's a rule that your legs have to be thicker than the hose.
Dennis Finch: Actually, he's right.

Nina Van Horn: I have a fire that needs putting out, if you know what I mean.
Dennis Finch: Nina...
Nina Van Horn: It's a five alarm fire, if you catch my drift.
Elliot DiMauro: Good God, Nina, the potted plants caught your drift.

Dennis Finch: You don't know what control is. My dad once ordered me kill our Thanksgiving turkey.
Maya Gallo: You had to kill your own turkey?
Dennis Finch: Well, I tried to, but it made like an angry noise, and when I came to, it was gone, along with a sizable chunk of my hair.

Dennis Finch: Dad, I'm not gay! Is this because I look like Ellen?

Persky: Hey, Dennis. There's some guy downstairs with an ax looking for you.
Dennis Finch: Is he a tall, greasy guy with "Mayhem" tattooed on his neck screaming about how I stole his girlfriend?
Persky: No. Big, older man.
Dennis Finch: Oh, hell! It's my dad.

Red Finch: [carrying an ax] Guess what they're handing out at the convention center?
Dennis Finch: Let me guess, axes?
Red Finch: You always were the wise one. Here, it's yours.
[hands Dennis the ax]
Dennis Finch: Thanks. This will come in handy never.
Guy with Tattoo: [comes out of elevator] Where's Dennis Finch?
Dennis Finch: Over here.
Guy with Tattoo: [seeing the ax] Never mind.

Dennis Finch: Why would anyone think I'm gay?
Red Finch: [Waiter arrives] Finally. Boilermaker, boilermaker, boilermaker...
Dennis Finch: Sea breeze.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Bikini (#2.17)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: Nina, you got more faxes from fawning idiots.
Nina Van Horn: It makes me so happy to realize I have touched so many people.
Dennis Finch: Mardi Gras alone must have thrown you into the triple digits.

Maya Gallo: I am officially out of control. See this drink? I didn't pay for it. Just took it and ran.
Dennis Finch: Ooh! It's an open bar.
Maya Gallo: And I suppose these postcards are complimentary?
Dennis Finch: Yes.
Maya Gallo: Well, guess who has a salt shaker down their pants?
Dennis Finch: That's just a rumor. It's all me, baby.

Nina Van Horn: Imagine, my bikini will be hanging in the Model Cafe for centuries to come.
Dennis Finch: Centuries? In six months that place will be a Chuck E. Cheese.

Dennis Finch: I have a bit of juicy gossip for you. You know how Baxter from accounting did a low-budget art film last summer? Turns out Art was his co-star.

Maya Gallo: Judging from the movements of the staff and according to my calculations, we have to be in and out of here in less than... one hour and twelve minutes.
Dennis Finch: Damn it, Red Leader, that not enough time! We'll have to skip ouur nap and go right to the theft.

Nina Van Horn: I made sacrifice after sacrifice, and what did I get?
Dennis Finch: I don't know... Money, fame...
Nina Van Horn: Oh, please. What I didn't put up my nose I invested in a peanut-powered lawnmower.

Nina Van Horn: Please, I don't need your pity.
Dennis Finch: I'm not giving you pity. I just feel sorry for you.

Maya Gallo: What leopard print bikini?
Elliot DiMauro: The one Nina wore on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Maya Gallo: When was that?
Dennis Finch: Let's see, Coolidge was in the White House...

Elliot DiMauro: Staple some underwear on the walls, and suddenly you can charge twenty bucks for a hamburger. What kind of idiot would fall for this?
Dennis Finch: Woo! This place is happenin'!

"Just Shoot Me!: In Your Dreams (#1.5)" (1997)
Maya: It's always the same. My face gets all scrunched up, my eyes are half closed, and I end up looking like...
Dennis: Popeye?
Elliot: A smurf?
Nina: Eleanor Roosevelt sneezing?
Jack: What the hell is a smurf?
Dennis: It's that little blue man on your wife's lunchbox.

Maya: Why do we even need photo IDs?
Dennis: Because otherwise, any lunatic could walk in off the street and do Nina's job.

Jack: What are we talking about?
Maya: Nothing!
Nina: Sex dreams.
Jack: Sounds like fun. Who had a sex dream? I want details.
Dennis: Maya did, about Elliot.
Jack: You people are sick!

Dennis: So, a sex dream. How was I?
Maya: Absent.

Nina: [looking at Maya's ID photo] This picture captures the real you.
Dennis: Someone should, for science.

Jack: So, what's in this thing?
Dennis: It covers everything from employee behavior to fire safety, with just a dash of the Iraqi penal code.

Elliot: No sexual relations between employees? This is an outrage!
Dennis: Relax. Models aren't employees.
Elliot: All hail the manual!

Nina: Wait a minute, you little weasel! "Hemlines shall be in direct proportion to the age of the wearer."
Dennis: It's very simple: if you wore miniskirts in the '60s, spare us in the '90s.
Elliot: Yeah, so cover up those bony broomsticks, will ya?

"Just Shoot Me!: Jesus, It's Christmas (#2.9)" (1997)
Elliot DiMauro: No way. Last time I took you on a photo shoot with me, you walked in on Kate Moss taking a shower.
Dennis Finch: It was an innocent mistake. I was trying to walk in on Elle McPherson.

Dennis Finch: D. Finch reporting for booty.

Elliot DiMauro: That's it! Shoot's canceled!
Nina Van Horn: What is the problem?
Elliot DiMauro: I can't find my lens!
Nina Van Horn: Don't you have, like, thirty of them?
Dennis Finch: Yes, but they're not all his lucky thong lens.
Nina Van Horn: Lucky thong lens?
Elliot DiMauro: Eight years ago I was doing my first swimsuit photo shoot on St. Tropez, and from the moment I arrived none of my shots were coming out right. I thought my carrer was over. As I walked back to the hotel, this local boy runs up and stuffs something in my pocket. I looked down, and it was this lens, this perfect lens. But when I looked up, the boy had vanished, and in his place... a white dove!
Nina Van Horn: Oh, I get it. They have mushrooms in St. Tropez.

Dennis Finch: I have a weird feeling that if I were to go to the Caribbean with you and some hot models, all your stuff would just turn up.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh? Well, I have a weird feeling that if I jam my fist down your throat, I might find your spleen.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, but you won't find your lens.

Maya Gallo: I think we should give the money to Jesus, the night custodian.
Jack Gallo: I know him. He's a nice guy.
Maya Gallo: You know Jesus?
Jack Gallo: Don't be so surprised. I have a rapport with the night cleaning staff.
Dennis Finch: If by rapport you mean that point-wink thing you do, then yes, you is down with the crew.

Dennis Finch: [on phone] Of course it's a round trip. Have you ever been to Albany?

Nina Van Horn: I really think that money should go to my Kenny. He's a member of an oppressed minority.
Dennis Finch: Who, the trouserly challenged?
Nina Van Horn: He has brown eyes. They did a study, and it turns out blue-eyed dancers make far more money.
Jack Gallo: Who did a study?
Nina Van Horn: Me and my friend Binnie.

Dennis Finch: It looks like a photo of someone's hand dangling your lucky lens over a toilet. What kind of devious bastard would do such a thing?
Elliot DiMauro: That's your watch.
Dennis Finch: You're right. That son of a bitch has my watch!

"Just Shoot Me!: Slamming Jack (#5.8)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: [answering phone] House of Finch, tell the D what it be.

Dennis Finch: I can't believe I talked to Jack like that. I can't think, I can't move...
Elliot DiMauro: And yet you brought us to a strip club.
Dennis Finch: Hey, I gotta eat, don't I?
Nina Van Horn: Ah, the theater.

Dennis Finch: Hey, what's that smell?
Stan: We're not sure, but fresh flowers do not do well here.

Jack Gallo: No, I didn't want capers on my lox.
Dennis Finch: Didn't want capers, did ya? You hear that, gang? Guy doesn't like capers! Well guess what? I just got a new caper scraper, and it's coming in handy the first day!
[scrapes bagel on shoe]
Dennis Finch: There you go! Go ahead, you selfish, bloated son of a bitch! Eat up!

Nina Van Horn: Finch, say nothing, do nothing.
Dennis Finch: Oh, my God, is there a spider on me? Get it!
Nina Van Horn: No, no, I mean about Jack. Act as if nothing happened, Jack will too. I assure you, he'll forget all about it.
Dennis Finch: Nina, I yelled at the man, I screamed at his face.
Nina Van Horn: So? I once set him on fire. I said nothing, and now here I am, dining out on the company credit card.

Jack Gallo: [on phone] Dennis, it's me, Jack. I want you to do something for me.
Dennis Finch: Sure thing. Jack, do not make that midnight fridge run. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. Pudding is not your friend. Pudding is...
Jack Gallo: No. My clock broke and I need you to wake me up at 5:00 AM so I can go fishing.
Dennis Finch: Why don't you call one of those wake-up call services?
Jack Gallo: I just did.

Dennis Finch: Jack is ridiculous! "Clean my gutters." "Rotate my sofa cusions." "Smell my milk." Even I have my limits!
Nina Van Horn: [as Jack enters] ... And that's why I love sex!

Elliot DiMauro: [at the strip club] Oh, my God. I think... I think that's Maya's gynecologist.
Dennis Finch: Hey, man. Your dollar, your fantasy.

"Just Shoot Me!: A Night at the Plaza (#5.2)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, who do I call to buy this glorious day?
Dennis Finch: Uh... the rich weird guy store?

Dennis Finch: [rapping] Una noche, señorita / Hooked up like steak fajita / Your lips taste like sangria wine / I feel your jeans with a silky behind.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, bring in the circulation reports.
Dennis Finch: [singing] Oh, Baby / Your wish is my command / You're my woman, I'm your man...
Jack Gallo: Do I give him enough to do?
Elliot DiMauro: It really wouldn't matter.

Dennis Finch: If anyone is taking him for a walk, it'll be me.
Maya Gallo: I'm his daughter.
Dennis Finch: Exactly. He chose me.

Dennis Finch: Get this. We're thinking of naming the band Zip, Flop, Oh my Lord!

Kevin Liotta: Hey, Finch.
Dennis Finch: Hey, Kevin. What's up?
Kevin Liotta: Just mail. Are you using a new soap?
Dennis Finch: What's that?
Kevin Liotta: It's just that you smell different.
Dennis Finch: Dude, you have to stop saying stuff like that.
Kevin Liotta: All right, I'm sorry. But since I already asked...
Dennis Finch: Yes. It's a new soap. I used it this morning.
Kevin Liotta: It's nice. It's like a weekend in New England.
Dennis Finch: Go, go, go.

Dennis Finch: Baby on the way, Jack. Didn't think you had any bullets left in the old musket.

Dennis Finch: Sorry about the party, Jack. We had no idea about you and Ally.
Nina Van Horn: Also, the hors d'ouvres were stale and I blame myself for that.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Mask (#3.3)" (1998)
[Maya is the only one in costume at the office]
Maya Gallo: That memo telling everyone to dress up, I'm the only one who got it, aren't I?
Dennis Finch: I have no idea what you're talking about, but this just came to you from corporate. Next week is Topless Tuesday.

Dennis Finch: Every time I come in here, you're either slamming your dad or turning on the waterworks. Could you tell me what he did that was so bad?
Jack Gallo: Thank you, Dennis.
Maya Gallo: When I was five, he paid our doorman to pose as him and take me trick-or-treating.
Dennis Finch: You're not my pretend dad anymore!

Dennis Finch: I just went over Nina's roladex, and do you know what's missing?
Elliot DiMauro: A working knowledge of the alphabet?

Jack Gallo: I'm feeling in the Halloween mood. Dennis, go out and buy one of those paper skeletons and hang it on my door.
Dennis Finch: Would you settle for an old poster of Nina in a bikini?
Nina Van Horn: That is so sweet!

Dennis Finch: Okay, maybe I was freaked out, but that doesn't change the fact that Binnie doesn't exist. I checked. There is no social security number.
Elliot DiMauro: So she's never had a job? She lives off alimony.
Dennis Finch: No driver's license?
Elliot DiMauro: A lot of people in Manhattan don't drive.
Dennis Finch: No arrests for public drunkeness?
Elliot DiMauro: Go on...

Elliot DiMauro: What do you mean it wasn't that scary? Psycho is the scariest movie of all time.
Dennis Finch: Well, you've never seen home movies of my grandpa gumming an ear of corn.

Maya Gallo: [dressed as fairy] Dennis, what the hell?
Dennis Finch: Attention, everyone! Did anyone here lose a tooth?

Dennis Finch: So what's Binnie look like?
Elliot DiMauro: You've never seen her either?
Dennis Finch: No, but I picture a woman with a face put together like a ransom note.

"Just Shoot Me!: Two Girls for Every Boy (#3.5)" (1998)
Dennis: All women are two drinks away from a girl-on-girl adventure.
Nina: According to who?
Dennis: According to any movie on Cinemax After Dark.

Dennis: My father once told me that good things will happen to good people. Now I know he was wrong.

Dennis: Call it a quest, Call it a dream...

Nina: Oh, that's Jill. Rumor has it she's interested in someone around here.
Dennis: Hey, I'm around here. Do you think it could be me?
Nina: I don't see how.

Dennis: Give her a kiss hello. It's very European.
Maya: She's from Wisconsin.
Dennis: She travels.

Waiter: Something from the bar?
Dennis: Sea breeze.
Waiter: And for you, sir?
Dennis: That is for me, smart guy. The lady will have a brain eraser, no ice.
Maya: That seems a little strong.
Dennis: Nah, it's like ginger ale. But don't put it near the candle.

[Dennis is trying to get Jill's passport renewed]
Official: If you were the President of the United States, and it was a matter of national security, I still couldn't help you.
Dennis: Please, if you renew this passport, you could be fullfilling every man's fantasy.
Official: Two girls?
Dennis: Yeah.
Official: Give me those papers. Get this man through!

Jill: I'll go ask her out.
Dennis: Whoa, whoa. You'll scare her off. Remember your first time, how scary it was?
Jill: What do you suggest?
Dennis: Maybe you and me could take her on a dinner date.
Jill: Why would you be there?
Dennis: Remember your first time? Wouldn't you want a third person there?
Jill: There was a third person there.
[Dennis faints]

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch on Ice (#4.22)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: Friends, clear your calendars. Two nights from tonight, the A&E network is airing my Biography.
Maya Gallo: Oh, Nina. That's great.
Dennis Finch: Bottom of the Barrel Week continues, with Nina Van Horn.
Nina Van Horn: It's called Comeback Week, you little hedgehog.
Dennis Finch: Oh! Did you know the hedgehog at the zoo is pregnant? Artificial insemination.

Nina Van Horn: Just think, a TV show dedicated entirely to me. Just me. Me, me, me. It's really quite humbling.
Dennis Finch: Calm down. They also did one on Yosemite Sam.

Dennis Finch: Of course, I had a secret that no one could have ever guessed.
Jack Gallo: You were in love with her.
Dennis Finch: I was in love with her.

Dennis Finch: She's perfect. She has the body of Britney Spears and the wisdom of Princess Leia.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, what are you doing?
[sees him staring at a blond woman bent over]
Jack Gallo: Ah, I see you also appreciate a nice backyard.
Dennis Finch: Jack, don't...
Jack Gallo: Just because I'm married, doesn't mean I can't apreciate the view.
Dennis Finch: You're the boss.
Jack Gallo: Oh, yes. Come to daddy.
[the woman turns around; it's Maya]
Maya Gallo: Oh, morning, dad.
Dennis Finch: Want me to drive you uptown so you can hit on you mom?

Dennis Finch: She's here. What do I do?
Jack Gallo: Listen to your head, but don't be afraid to follow your heart.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, right. Guy doesn't even recognize his own daughter.

Nicole: Ow! Ow! Put me down!
Justin: Then how am I supposed to lift you up?
Dennis Finch: You don't lift her. You allow her to fly!
Nicole: Dennis, you came. Justin, this is the guy who's going to help us.
Justin: Help us do what? Find the Lucky Charms?

Dennis Finch: Does Elliot know?
Maya Gallo: Not yet. He's in a photo shoot at the Bronx Zoo.
Dennis Finch: Oh, did you hear the rhino there has a pet kitten named Rocky? You learn a lot if you rent the headsets.

"Just Shoot Me!: Dog Day Afternoon (#5.9)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, did you get my dry cleaning?
Dennis Finch: [not looking at him] Yep.
Jack Gallo: Did you play my lottery numbers?
Dennis Finch: Yep.
Jack Gallo: Biggety booggety boo?
Dennis Finch: Yep.

Dennis Finch: Jack just hit the lottery.
Nina Van Horn: Wow. The rich keep getting richer.
Dennis Finch: Not really. I didn't buy the ticket.
Nina Van Horn: What?
Dennis Finch: I never do. I buy candy.

Nina Van Horn: Morning, Finch.
Dennis Finch: I'm surprised you made it in.
Nina Van Horn: And why is that?
Dennis Finch: I'm always surprised you make it in.
Nina Van Horn: What are you implying?
Dennis Finch: I'm not really implying anything, I'm saying you reek like a Bob Marley concert.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, please. I have long since outgrown such foolishness.
Dennis Finch: Is that a dog?
Nina Van Horn: Oh, thank God, you see it too.

Maya Gallo: He was sitting there begging for my scone.
Dennis Finch: A cat wouldn't do that. Too much pride. Dogs are the whores of the animal kingdom. Look it up.

Dennis Finch: How am I going to tell him?
Nina Van Horn: Can I do it?
Dennis Finch: No, you have to help me find a way out of this.
Nina Van Horn: Why should I?
Dennis Finch: Because... because I know about that... that thing you did.
Nina Van Horn: You're bluffing.
Dennis Finch: The bad thing.
Nina Van Horn: I don't wanna go to jail.

Dennis Finch: She's testing ya, bro.
Nina Van Horn: She's seeing if you can be a father.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya's not like that.
Dennis Finch: Then why did she write that article titled "Can your dude be a dad? Get a dog."
[everyone stares]
Dennis Finch: From July '99? Hot Celebrities in Hot Getaways? They all go to Hawaii... Does anyone read this magazine?

Dennis Finch: I think I figured out a way out of this lottery mess.
Nina Van Horn: Wait a minute. What if we enter the lottery in a different state, win that, and give Jack the fifty thousand? Or maybe a little less. He'll never count it.
Dennis Finch: Can I do this by myself? No.

Dennis Finch: I can't leave my post for a second. I have to be alert in case Jack goes to cash in his lottery ticket.
Nina Van Horn: I wouldn't worry about it.
Dennis Finch: Why not?
Nina Van Horn: Because he left half an hour ago.
Dennis Finch: What? That's impossible! My eyes haven't moved for...
[Woman enters office]
Dennis Finch: Well, look who's back?

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Sees Red: Part 1 (#3.14)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: How come nobody told me?
Red Finch: What do you mean? I E-mailed you from the fire house almost every day.
Dennis Finch: I didn't get... Oh, you're Big Flamer. You know what, I always delete those.

Dennis Finch: Hey, dad.
Red Finch: What the hell are you doing here?
Dennis Finch: Sure, we'll join you.

Dennis Finch: Why are you two holding hands? Why are you wearing the same clothes as last night?
Nina Van Horn: Before you jump to any conclusions, there's a perfectly good explanation. Your father and I had sex.

Red Finch: I know what you're thinking, and you don't have to worry anymore. Mr. Van Horn and I are through running around like a couple of crazy teenagers.
Dennis Finch: Thank God.
Nina Van Horn: That's right. We're getting married.
Dennis Finch: What?
Red Finch: Come on, Dennis. Give your stepmom a big hug.

Nina Van Horn: Well, well, well. Red Finch back in town. Why didn't someone shout "man on the floor!"?
Dennis Finch: Nina, get away from my dad!
Nina Van Horn: Toodles.

Red Finch: You want to know when was the last time me and you mother had relations?
Dennis Finch: No, I don't.
Red Finch: The day Johnny Carson said goodbye to America, your mother was a hot pool of need. We went at it like two rabbits.
Dennis Finch: I was at home that night. We shared an afghan! Ugh!

Dennis Finch: He's not ready for someone like her. All his life my dad has only been with one woman. Nina's been with five.

Dennis Finch: I can't believe you two... got together.
Red Finch: Hey! One more crude comment like that and I'll throw you through a window.

"Just Shoot Me!: Amblushed (#2.21)" (1998)
[Nina is covered in gold body paint]
Nina: And what are you looking at?
Dennis: [stands next to her] I'd like to thank the Academy. Promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Nina: Are you just about done?
Dennis: Free Tibet!

Jack: Maya, yelling is like trying to eat a steak through a straw.
Dennis: [writing] Sweet. Keep 'em coming.
Jack: It gets you all red in the face, but in the end, you get no steak.
[Dennis erases what he wrote]
Jack: What?
Dennis: You're forcing it. Just let it come.

Dennis: Elliot, can you get Nina off my back? She keeps bugging me about that stupid solvent.
Elliot: Oh, there is no solvent. She was being such a pain that I told her water wouldn't wash it out. But it really will.
Dennis: So you had Nina running all around town in gold paint? That is so wrong. Why didn't you tell me so I could enjoy it?

Dennis: So, we meet again, Oldfinger.
Nina: Admit it, it turns you on.
Dennis: Yeah, right... Okay, it does.

Maya: Don't think you can avoid this with a bunch of dopey metaphors.
Jack: Dopey all the way to the bank!
Dennis: Is that one?
Jack: I'm not sure yet.

Dennis: [seeing the students] Boy, Lilith Fair must be dark tonight.

Maya: This is horrible. You guys don't understand. Last night was a disaster. I spent the entire evening staring out into a sea of angry flannel. What was I supposed to do?
Elliot: Oh, I don't know. Call us all "vapid drones who worship at the altar of greed, lust and egotism".
Dennis: Yeah. We don't make fun of your religion.

Jack: I just realized I must say dozens of clever things every day.
Dennis: Uh-huh?
Jack: And that's where you come in. I want you to follow me around and write down all of my Galloisms.
Dennis: Galloisms?
Jack: You know, my verbal gems. My nuggets of wisdom.
Dennis: Ooh, I'd better call Bic and tell them to make more pens.

"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Elliott (#4.2)" (1999)
Bouncer: Hold on there, buddy. You can't go it.
Dennis Finch: That's my wife in there.
Bouncer: Who, Adrienne Barker?
Dennis Finch: Yeah. I'm her husband.
Bouncer: Yeah, right.
Dennis Finch: No, it's true. We just got married.
Bouncer: Just now, in your head? Beat it.

Maya Gallo: I was thinking it would be fun to do an article on lost loves. I mean, everyone's got a story about the one that got away.
Dennis Finch: I don't.
Nina Van Horn: Trust me, dear, you will.

Jack Gallo: Does anyone have any new ideas? Come on, dazzle me.
Dennis Finch: How about this? Put Adrienne and me on the cover and write a story about our marriage.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, I like that idea. Here's what'll make me love it. We keep Adrienne, lose you and the romance angle. Okay, that's one for me.

Bob Whiteman: I think we should go downtown.
Dennis Finch: Come on, there's gotta be away we can take care of this right here.
Bob Whiteman: You can start by telling me her birthday.
Dennis Finch: June 10.
Bob Whiteman: August 4.
Dennis Finch: I'll get my coat.

Bob Whiteman: And who are you?
Jack Gallo: Jack Gallo, and these two aren't saying another word until I get a lawyer down here.
Bob Whiteman: Gallo. Your name is mentioned a lot on their wedding announcement.
Jack Gallo: That's right.
Bob Whiteman: You're an extremely wealthy man.
Jack Gallo: Thank you. You're very kind.
Bob Whiteman: I'm guessing you have a staff of, say, three?
Jack Gallo: Four, and a driver.
Bob Whiteman: And I assume all their papers are in order?
Jack Gallo: Why you arrogant little pissant. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? Do you know what I can do to you with one phone call? Mark my words, I will be back.
Adrienne Barker: How long do you think he'll be?
Dennis Finch: He's not coming back.

Elliot DiMauro: I too have a story, but it doesn't take place in the Far East. It takes place right here, in the heart.
Dennis Finch: As usual, his name will be changed to Lisa.

Bob Whiteman: You really do love him.
Adrienne Barker: That's right.
Dennis Finch: And I love her.
Bob Whiteman: Yeah, yeah, I can see that. But if you love him, why not me? I mean, I'm funny, I'm caring, and I've been told I give a good hand massage. Sure, I may not be a great catch, but clearly that's not what you're after. I really think we can make it work! Come on, why not me? Why not agent Bob Whiteman?
Agent: Bob! A word, please?
Bob Whiteman: Well, it's not fault of yours, but it's fair to say I'm in big trouble.

"Just Shoot Me!: How Nina Got Her Groove Back (#3.9)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: Dennis!
Dennis Finch: Okay, you're in a meadow high in the Alps. A young Shirley Jones asks you to make her a woman.
Jack Gallo: Is she wearing a bonnet?
Dennis Finch: Yes, and leading a cow.
Jack Gallo: Will you stop with those cows?

Jack Gallo: We better call Margo's boss to straighten things out. What excuse haven't we used yet?
Dennis Finch: Uh, let's see. The only ones left are, "She's going through menopause," and "She's a sociopath."
Nina Van Horn: Sociopath.

Elliot DiMauro: This looks like the dawn of a new era.
Nina Van Horn: Yes, it's the age of Nina Van Horn!
Dennis Finch: I know this one. 62?
Nina Van Horn: The grown-ups are talking, dear.

Dennis Finch: I'm taking lunch orders from the Carnegie deli. Want anything?
Jack Gallo: Roast beef on rye.
Dennis Finch: Gotcha. One Donald Trump.
Jack Gallo: What do you mean Donald Trump?
Dennis Finch: He's got a sandwich named after him.
Jack Gallo: I've been going to that deli longer than he has. When are they going to name something after me? What am I, chopped liver?
Dennis Finch: No, that's the Morey Amsterdam.

Dennis Finch: Lunch order! Nina?
Nina Van Horn: No, thanks. I ate last week.

Maya Gallo: It's so nice outside, I'm eating out in the park today. I just started reading the most wonderful book called "Jonathan's Attic."
Dennis Finch: Is that the sequel to "Jonathan Finds a Door in His Ceiling"?

Dennis Finch: I bring good news from the Carnegie Deli.
Jack Gallo: You got them to name a sandwich after me?
Dennis Finch: I give you the Jack Gallo, hold the Maya.
Jack Gallo: This is great! I finally have something...
[Picks up sandwich]
Jack Gallo: What is this, a joke?
Dennis Finch: No, check it out. It's a pita stuffed with watercress, wheat germ and avocado. Used to be called the Liberace.

"Just Shoot Me!: Sweet Charity (#2.8)" (1997)
Elliot: I'm creepy?
Dennis: Like a backrub from grandma.

Maya: When I came aboard, you said I could make a difference.
Dennis: And you have. You've made these morning meetings much longer.

Dennis: You've been around the artsy and aloof for so long you've forgotten how to relate to Jimmy Crack-corn over there from Lunchmeat, Kansas.

Dennis: Hey, Princess, the *Times* is doing a story on your dad's award and they wanna call you for a quote.
Maya: Okay, how about this, from my introduction: "Every once in a while a man looks at the world, steps forward, and says, 'Hey, who wants my crumbs?'"
Dennis: That's not bad. How about, "It's touching to see what Jack means to all of you, because you certainly don't mean jack to him."

Maya: Wait! I have something to say.
Dennis: Thanks for the warning. Taxi!

Dennis: Hey. Come here.
[hugs Maya]
Dennis: Don't forget, it's all for the kids.
Maya: I know.
Dennis: We know you do all the work around here.
Maya: Thanks.
Dennis: And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
Maya: Why did you come in here?
Dennis: I had to hug you in this sweater.

Maya: Doesn't anyone here give?
Dennis: I gave blood.
Maya: Where?
Dennis: Okay, sperm.

"Just Shoot Me!: Bye Bye Binnie (#6.4)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: It seems my best friend Binnie...
Dennis Finch: My friend Binnie, my friend Binnie!
Elliot DiMauro: My friend Binnie can chew through metal.
Maya Gallo: My friend Binnie can't eat soup.
Dennis Finch: We're all sick of hearing about your drunken, slutty, stupid friend Binnie.
Nina Van Horn: My friend Binnie is dead.
Dennis Finch: Heaven just got another angel.

Jack Gallo: This thing is great. It's like having a little assistant in my pocket.
Dennis Finch: That's what you used to call me.

Jack Gallo: Why would you want to go to college? You just got your foot at the door here. Be patient. You'll work your way up.
Dennis Finch: I've been here for ten years.
Jack Gallo: No!
Dennis Finch: Yes.
Jack Gallo: Son of a bitch.

Maya Gallo: Finch, this is Milo. He's also applying for the scholarship.
Dennis Finch: Hello. I'm Jack's best friend. You have no chance.
Milo: Win or lose, I am just happy to have free soda.
Dennis Finch: I just had four. No, wait, three. I poured one down the drain.

Maya Gallo: What are your career aspirations?
Milo: I wish to be mediator for United Nations.
Dennis Finch: I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure I'll end up being an astronaut.

Dennis Finch: What about the Gallo scholarship?
Jack Gallo: That's right. It's meant for Blush employees and their families, you certainly qualify.
Dennis Finch: As an employee... or as family?
Jack Gallo: Dennis, you have real parents.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, real stupid parents.

Dennis Finch: Jack, I told you, I like the egg.
Jack Gallo: But I want you to love the egg.
Dennis Finch: Fine. I love the egg.
Jack Gallo: What do you love most about it?

"Just Shoot Me!: Puppetmaster (#3.7)" (1998)
Nina Van Horn: You know how everyone says that to plan for the future you should make a sound financial investment? Well, I've taken the plunge.
Elliot DiMauro: Great. Is it that mutual fund I told you about?
Nina Van Horn: Better. A trendy new nightclub.
Dennis Finch: Shrewd plan. But for safety's sake, you should take some of that money and throw it off a plane.

[Jack and Elliot are watching Brian's Song]
Jack Gallo: This is without question the greatest guy movie ever made.
Dennis Finch: Ooh, Footloose.

Dennis Finch: You couldn't pay me enough to do that job. Here, Jack. I finished shaving the lint off your floor mats.

Nina Van Horn: I have good news.
Dennis Finch: They delivered the bleachers for your bedroom?
Nina Van Horn: At least in my bedroom it's not a one-man show.

Dennis Finch: [after a veiled reference to Maya on Steven's show] I can't wait to see the show after you two have sex.

Dennis Finch: Told you that club was a bad investment.
Nina Van Horn: You know what's a bad investment? Letting your money sit in a bank while your dreams go unfulfilled. Well, maybe it didn't turn out like I planned, but I got on that merry-go-round and reached for that brass ring, and for one brief, shining, fiery moment, I was dazzling!
Dennis Finch: No insurance?
Nina Van Horn: [crying] Not a dime!

Maya Gallo: Is he saying what I think he's saying?
Dennis Finch: Don't worry. He just wants to nail Nina.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, that is so sweet! I really needed that today.

"Just Shoot Me!: Lies & Dolls (#3.13)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: My mom said if I didn't finish college, I would wind up in a dead-end job. Dead-end job. Pfft! Jack said I could be his assistant *forever*!

Jack Gallo: Is that all you do all day? Make wise-ass comments?
Dennis Finch: No. I answer the phone funny.

Nina Van Horn: Who wants to try a bowl of delicious home-made my stuffin'?
Jack Gallo: Nina, there's nothing in that bowl.
Dennis Finch: And by bowl he means your head.

Maya Gallo: I don't want him to think I'm a crazy freak in bed!
Dennis Finch: Then sleep with him. That'll teach him a lesson.

Jack Gallo: Do you know what he said was the secret of his success? He said he didn't have an office.
Dennis Finch: It's what shot me to the top.

Nina Van Horn: Guess what? I just got a call from my old acting agent.
Dennis Finch: Let me guess? They want you for "When Plastic Surgeons Attack."
Nina Van Horn: Hello there, Finch. Don't get up.

Elliot DiMauro: This is my sixth grade picture. Guess which one's me?
Dennis Finch: My God, did you ever have hair?

"Just Shoot Me!: Toy Story (#3.17)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, what's that smell I like?
Dennis Finch: Meadow after a rain storm?
Jack Gallo: That's it.

Dennis Finch: Any gift given to a co-worker over a hundred bucks comes with the understanding that the giver wants to give it to the givee.

Dennis' Shoulder Devil: Hey, switch the cards. It'll be hilarious.
[Dennis looks at his other shoulder]
Dennis' Shoulder Devil: What are you looking for?
Dennis Finch: Isn't there supposed to be an angel over here?
Dennis' Shoulder Devil: Are you Dennis Finch?
Dennis Finch: Yes.
Dennis' Shoulder Devil: Then no. Do it!

Jack Gallo: Dennis, let me offer you a piece of advice that will help you as you travel through that long road of life: never buy a racehorse with Robert Goulet.
Dennis Finch: Thanks for the tip, Yoda.

Nina Van Horn: What are you doing?
Dennis Finch: Sorting Jack's M&Ms. He doesn't like the blue ones. He says they're unnatural.

Maya Gallo: This time I think I've really outdone myself. I got Elliot a great present.
Dennis Finch: You mean like soap?
Maya Gallo: It wasn't just soap. It was soap of the month.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, twelve timely reminders that your present sucks.

Dennis Finch: [looking at the sex toys] Oh, my God! Is this some sort of gag?
Elliot DiMauro: No, she said it's for real.
Dennis Finch: No, this leather thing. Is it some sort of gag?

"Just Shoot Me!: How the Finch Stole Christmas (#3.10)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: Christmas is so depressing. It's gotten too comercial, it's lost all its spiritual meaning.
Dennis Finch: No it hasn't. That is such a cliché.
Jack Gallo: Check this out! Lollipops in the shape of Jesus.

Narrator: And then a thought popped into his head / A thought full of evil and malice and dread.
Dennis Finch: I'll teach them a lesson. Oh, yes.
Narrator: ...the evil Finch ranted / This is one Finch who would not be taken for granted / He asked for a yard, and they gave him an inch / So this year, Christmas would be stolen by a Finch.

Narrator: Now, I don't know for sure, but so I am told / The Finch's black heart turned completely to gold.
Dennis Finch: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Narrator: For once Finch felt like more than a peasant / Then he noticed that Elliot had opened his present.
Elliot DiMauro: "To Elliot from Finch: Take that, you bald-headed loser!" What the hell?
Narrator: But the Finch is clever, he always survives.
Dennis Finch: [Pulls on fire alarm] Fire! Fire! Run for your lives!
Narrator: And those jingle bells rang from New York to New Jersey / Merry Christmas to all, and happy Hannukah to Persky.
Persky: Thank you, sir?

Dennis Finch: I'll do it, because a gift is its own reward. Although since it's Christmas, a better reward would be a new set of wheels. Prefably a moped, with a sidecar for the honeys.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, you're not getting a moped.
Dennis Finch: Moped, motorscooter, whatever.

Jack Gallo: Guess what I have in here?
Dennis Finch: A human head?
Jack Gallo: Better. Hannah's new puppy. Isn't he adorable? I'd love to cuddle you and hold youand hug you forever... Okay, gotta run.

Nina Van Horn: We live in a world gone mad! I swear I'd sleep with the next man I see wearing a hat.
[Elliot enters wearing a beret]
Dennis Finch: Run, dude!

Narrator: Finch opened his present with great anticipation / Everyone had pitched in, so he had hight expectations / He opened the bag, it made his blood curdle / His gift was a calendar shaped like a turtle.
Dennis Finch: "Turtles of the World"?
Narrator: He said with great rage / Turtles and turtles on every page.

"Just Shoot Me!: Hostess to Murder (#3.16)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Intellectual and stimulating? Hmmm... I could read Shakespeare while you spank me.

[Maya has thrown a murder-mystery dinner, and Finch is hitting on a woman dressed as a French maid]
Megan: I'm Jeanette, the indentured French chambermaid.
[she curtsies, and Finch looks down her cleavage]
Dennis Finch: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
Megan: I'm Jeanette, the indentured French chambermaid.
[she curtsies again, and Finch looks down her cleavage again]
Dennis Finch: I'm sorry, one more time...
Larry: Oh, Jeanette!
Megan: Excuse me, my lord.
Butler: [coming up to Finch with a platter] Banger?
Dennis Finch: That's the plan.

Megan: This is so demeaning. I never should have quit stripping.
Dennis Finch: Hey, wait a minute, you're Misty Peaks!
Megan: Oh, God! You're that guy who always wants change for a dollar!

Megan: You bastard!
Dennis Finch: I never claimed to be otherwise.

[Megan and Finch are out on Maya's balcony]
Dennis Finch: I'm about to make your fantasy come true.
Megan: Great. Just try not to land on my car.

Maya Gallo: You're the bastard son of the wealthy land baron.
Dennis Finch: And you're the bitchy daughter of a wealthy publisher.
Maya Gallo: No, it's your character for my murder party tonight. By the way, it's 1883, not 1853, so adjust your costumes, but I know it's last minute, so I won't get all anal about it. So, are you all syked?
Dennis Finch: I'd be syked if you say "anal" again.

Dennis Finch: You can't fake our kind of chemistry. We're like two magnets with privates.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Write Stuff (#7.7)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Our next issue is one article short. I need new ideas.
Dennis Finch: How about a feature on America's most voluptuous prisoners? Felons with melons.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, for the eightieth time, stop pitching that.

Nina Van Horn: I should be in that retrospective. I mean, when you think of famous models in the seventies, you think of Nina Van Horn.
Dennis Finch: No, when they think of models in their seventies, they think of Nina Van Horn.
Nina Van Horn: Finch, I promise you, when they drop, your voice will change.

Jack Gallo: It's just that when you model, you can be... how can I put it delicately?
Dennis Finch: A pain in the ass?
Jack Gallo: Dennis, please!
Dennis Finch: A huge pain in the ass?
Jack Gallo: That's it.

Maya Gallo: What are you most passionate about?
Dennis Finch: You know... cats, Britney Spears, porcelain figurines... just typical guy stuff.

Dennis Finch: Write me a new poem.
Maya Gallo: No.
Dennis Finch: I'll be humiliated.
Maya Gallo: No.
Dennis Finch: I have one month to live.
Maya Gallo: No.
Dennis Finch: I'm one-sixteenth Cherokee, and you owe it to my people.
Maya Gallo: No!

Jack Gallo: Dennis, who's the fourth Monkee?
Dennis Finch: Peter Tork.
Jack Gallo: Thanks. That kept me up all night.

Jack Gallo: You know, Dennis, you're a lot smarter than I give you credit for.
Dennis Finch: Thanks. I have an idea for the December issue. Santa's bustiest helpers. Elves with shelves.
Jack Gallo: I'll think about it.

"Just Shoot Me!: Mayas and Tigers and Deans, Oh My (#5.15)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Have you seen my new intern?
Dennis Finch: No. Maybe that's why I had to buy my own licorice.
Maya Gallo: Dennis, he's not here to be your gofer, he's here to learn.
Dennis Finch: Well, he can learn to kiss my tiny heinie.

Dean Cassidy: Am I late? I took the express elevator and ended up on the roof.
Dennis Finch: That's where they're having the genius convention.

Zigmund: I am looking for Nina Van Horn.
Dennis Finch: And you are?
Zigmund: The Amazing Zigmund! It's on my card.
Dennis Finch: Dude, I don't have your card.
Zigmund: You do have my card. It's inside that banana.
Dennis Finch: Oh, my God!
Zigmund: Thank you!
Dennis Finch: Dude, I brought this from home!

Dennis Finch: You should have seen it. This little blonde hottie was all boo-hoo, then she tripped on a mop and did a flippity-flop, and she fell on her fanny and I saw a little panty.

Maya Gallo: Where have you been?
Dean Cassidy: I was waiting in line for your sandwich.
Maya Gallo: [opens bag] What part of whole wheat don't you understand?
Dean Cassidy: They were out, so I just assumed...
Maya Gallo: Lesson number one: a good journalist doesn't assume.
Dennis Finch: Lesson number two: have your dad own the magazine.

Dean Cassidy: She is crazy!
Dennis Finch: You know what they say. Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.
Dean Cassidy: How old are you?

Dennis Finch: What are you doing? That's not his job.
Maya Gallo: His job is whatever I tell him to do.
Dennis Finch: [answers phone] Mistress Maya's House of Discipline.

"Just Shoot Me!: And the Femmy Goes To... (#3.20)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this statue?
Elliot DiMauro: It has no genitals.
Jack Gallo: It's lonely.
Dennis Finch: Of course. It has no genitals.

Nina Van Horn: Well, I did it. Twelve years in a row.
Dennis Finch: What, turn forty?

Dennis Finch: Did you see who's here? Me.
Maya Gallo: Finch, looking sharp!
Nina Van Horn: Somewhere in New York there's a naked Ken doll.

Jack Gallo: I'm just so nervous. The nominations may come at any minute.
Dennis Finch: Well, actually...
Jack Gallo: Dennis, make a call and find out where those nominations are.
Dennis Finch: Right away.
[picks up receiver]
Dennis Finch: Hello, where are those nominations? What's that? My left hand? Thank you.

Dennis Finch: Think about it. Four cover models are up for the Femmy. Three are gonna lose, and that's where I come in. D. Finch, consolation prize. I may not be gold, but I got the genitals.

Jack Gallo: I believe a toast is in order.
Dennis Finch: Allow me. I hope you all get Legionnaire's disease.
[breaks glass, leaves]
Nina Van Horn: Not his best toast.

Dennis Finch: Do you know what I had to go through to get here, and on the off chance that I even get to talk to a woman like that? And just when the impossible is about to come true, you, the steak-stealing psycho, scare her away?
Liz: Wanna go to the coat room and see my boobs?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, all right.

"Just Shoot Me!: Bravefinch (#2.19)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: If I get killed, tell Courtney in accounting I love her and erase all the porn on my computer.

Dennis Finch: Look here, Up With People. I don't know what you're so bubbly about, but let me offer you a little analogy. This here is the lion's den, I am the lion. If you want to hang around the lion's den, you'll have to learn to deal with the lion. Are we clear?
Kenny: Wow, I understand. Now let me offer you this little analogy.
[Staples Dennis' tie to the desk]
Kenny: I am the God of Hellfire! And so help me, I will put my fist through your skull!
Dennis Finch: What?
Kenny: I'm going to rip out your head, run it through a shredder, and put it in a box!
Dennis Finch: You're going to rip off my head?
Kenny: And put it in a box!

Nina Van Horn: I'm giving up a really filthy habit.
Dennis Finch: You're gonna have to be more specific.

Kenny: I am super pumped to be here.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, little advise, we don't really do "super pumped" around here. We're a little more stand-offish.

Dennis Finch: I'm sorry if I insulted you, but it's what I do. I'm a bit of a cut-up.
Kenny: I'll cut *you* up!
Dennis Finch: Ooh, I walked right into that one.

Dennis Finch: I want to talk to you about Kenny.
Jack Gallo: Isn't he great? Peppy.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. What did his references say?
Jack Gallo: References? Anyone who's good enough for the U.S. Postal Service is good enough for me.

Dennis Finch: He may seem all sugary sweet, but inside he's a bowl of crazy stew.

"Just Shoot Me!: Future Issues (#7.22)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: Well, Dennis, that was the last time I went to the bathroom as the boss.
Dennis Finch: Ooh, I'll call the Smithsonian.
Jack Gallo: Sarcasm I won't miss so much.

Maya Gallo: Why is this girl in her underwear?
Dennis Finch: Oh, we hired her. She's going to jump out of a giant cake.
Maya Gallo: I don't see a giant cake.
Dennis Finch: It's at my apartment.

Maya Gallo: Finch, if you're trying to suck up to me because I'm the editor now, it's not quite working.
Dennis Finch: course it's not. It took years to learn to suck up to Jack. Sure, I'll prance around in your underpants to stretch them out, but it won't be the same.
Maya Gallo: First of all, I would never, ever ask you to do that.
Dennis Finch: That was the thing about Jack. You didn't have to ask.

Nina Van Horn: When I needed a job, you were there. When I needed a friend, you were there. When I needed a kidney, you were there.
Dennis Finch: Excuse me, I believe that was my kidney?
Nina Van Horn: But Jack made you give it, and that's what was so sweet.

Dennis Finch: Jack, what can I say? You the man, so I decided to lay down some mad rhymes.
Maya Gallo: Aw, you wrote him a poem. That's so sweet.
Dennis Finch: It's not a poem, it's a hard-core, def-jam gangsta rap. I haven't had time to lay down the beats, so you'll have imagine the chains and the bling-bling and the Escalade. Here goes: There's a guy named Jack Gallo / Is he shallow? No / He just gots to go / Now he's flying solo... again, you have to imagine the boom-boom and the bitches and the rest. All the while / he made me smile like Gomer Pyle / I look up to him like Fay Wray looked up to King Kong / Like the Chinese to ping-pong / Slap it on da bing-bong.
Jack Gallo: Thank you, Dennis. I'm sure that meant a lot.

Maya Gallo: That was awkward.
Kevin Liotta: Here I come.
Dennis Finch: Oh, no.
Kevin Liotta: [comes skipping in a sailor suit and holding a prop lollipop] On the Good Ship Lollipop / It's a quick trip to a candy shop... Wait, where's Mr. Gallo? Finch, if this is a practical joke, I will literally rip your head off!

"Just Shoot Me!: Twice Burned (#2.7)" (1997)
[Elliot and Nina are listening to a Cholera Joe record]
Elliot DiMauro: Isn't it amazing how his voice just sucks you right into his world of despair?
Dennis Finch: You lost me right after sucks.

Jack Gallo: I must have some connections. Woodbridge. Woodbridge. Who do I know went to Woodbridge?
Maya Gallo: Uh, me? I went to Woodbridge.
Jack Gallo: That can't be right, I would have remembered. There would have been plays and recitals... oh.
Dennis Finch: Those of you on the left side of the tram may want to take out your cameras for this awkward family moment.

Dennis Finch: [answers phone] Jack Gallo's office. Where are you? What are you wearing? Oh, ho-ho!
[to Jack]
Dennis Finch: It's your wife.

Nina Van Horn: You know, I used to date a hockey player.
Elliot DiMauro: Is there any sport where you haven't slept with one of the players?
Nina Van Horn: Of course.
Dennis Finch: Not counting figure skating.
Nina Van Horn: Well, then no.

Dennis Finch: Yeah, you go with her. But don't come crawling back to me, 'cause if you do... I'll still be here.

Dennis Finch: Mind if I wait in here? Some fifth graders were picking on me.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Last Temptation of Elliot (#7.20)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: I can't stand interns. They're always fawning over you. I hate fawning.
Dennis Finch: Hey, Jack, your oatmeal is still hot. Do I blow on it or put it over my head and run around the office?
Jack Gallo: What do you think?
[Dennis holds oatmeal over head and runs around]

Rick: I'm just so nervous about my age.
Maya Gallo: Don't worry. You'll find that people here are very sensitive.
Dennis Finch: Hey, grandpa. Go to the copier and make copies of this, and try not to break a hip while you're at it.

Maya Gallo: Rick, for your first meeting, you might want to take more of a listening position.
Dennis Finch: In other words, Pops, take out your teeth, turn up your Miracle Ear and fantasize about Angela Lansbury.

Elliot DiMauro: It's not the Bible part that worries me. It's the beautiful women who attend the meetings.
Dennis Finch: So use your Cain. You're Abel.

Dennis Finch: Did you sneeze? Because God blessed you.

Mary Elizabeth: You sure enjoy talking about the Lord.
Dennis Finch: I love the Lord. I love all the lords. The one of the Rings, the one of the Dance, the ten that are always a-leapin'...

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Van Mom (#6.10)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Nina, can I help you?
Dennis Finch: No one can help her until she helps herself.

Dennis Finch: That thing about milking with your feet.
Nina Van Horn: Yes?
Dennis Finch: I know this is probably inappropriate and not the right time, but did you ever...
Nina Van Horn: Yes.
Dennis Finch: Awesome!

Maya Gallo: We're going to try something different, a little bit dangerous... involving you, me and Finch.
Dennis Finch: I think I like where this is going.

Maya Gallo: You be yourself, Finch will be Chloe.
Dennis Finch: I don't like this.
Maya Gallo: And I will be the spiritual guide.
Dennis Finch: Like Yoda?
Maya Gallo: If it helps you, yes.
Dennis Finch: [imitates Yoda] Mmm, yes, help me it does.

Maya Gallo: You don't want to meet her, not like this.
Jack Gallo: Meet who?
Maya Gallo: No one.
Dennis Finch: Who, your bastard daughter?
[Nina gasps and drops the bottle she's holding]
Dennis Finch: Oh, my God! Did I guess it? I didn't know! I just guessed it, I got it!

[after Maya says something poetic to Nina]
Dennis Finch: I know this moment is not supposed to be boring, but somehow she pulls it off.
Elliot DiMauro: It's a gift. A gift that no one wants.

"Just Shoot Me!: A Divorce to Remember (#4.1)" (1999)
Nina Van Horn: No offense, but don't you think cat shows are a tad on the geeky side?
Dennis Finch: Geeky? Let me drop a little history on you. Egyptian pharaohs worshiped cats, they were cool. MacGyver had cats, he was cool. And need I remind you of the longest running show on Broadway?
Nina Van Horn: Chippendales?

Nina Van Horn: Dennis, who has the key to petty cash?
Dennis Finch: Uh, anyone else but you?

Nina Van Horn: When will you come clean to her about your action figure collection?
Dennis Finch: Uh, the day when you officially turn forty.
Nina Van Horn: Seven years is a long time, my friend.

Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Dennis. You made the tabloids.
Dennis Finch: Let me see.
Elliot DiMauro: [reading] "Is model Adrienne Barker wilder than we thought? The leggy beauty was spoted on the beaches of Tahiti with a topless, blond gal pal."
Dennis Finch: Buying that Speedo was a mistake.

Nina Van Horn: I know I'm not one to give advice, or take it, or pay for a round of drinks, but one can't just wake up one morning and decide to be a different person.
Dennis Finch: Said the New York socialite who grew up on a hog farm.

Jack Gallo: Look who's back! Did you bring me back a starfish?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and a can of sunshine.
Dennis Finch: You weren't kidding, were you?
Jack Gallo: Remember, I waved goodbye and said "Bring me back a starfish!"
Dennis Finch: I thought you were joking.
Jack Gallo: No matter. We're just glad you're back.
[to Elliot]
Jack Gallo: I could not have been more clear.

"Just Shoot Me!: My Dinner with Woody (#2.6)" (1997)
Dennis Finch: [answering the phone] Morning, Blush. Underpaid phone monkey speaking.

Dennis Finch: Hey, Maya, your friend Woody Allen is on his way up. Should I push back your 4:00 with Foghorn Leghorn?

Maya Gallo: Haven't you ever wanted to have a deep intellectual conversation with someone other than Claudia Schiffer?
Dennis Finch: David Copperfield. I wanna know how that windblown freak got Claudia Schiffer.

Dennis Finch: Maya Gallo, presenting the great Woody Allen.
Woody Allen: Please, the great Woody will do fine.
Dennis Finch: Also, Mark Twain called, can't make it for racquetball.

Dennis Finch: My dinner with Woody? What's next, my pedicure with Neil Simon?

Dennis Finch: Maya, Woody Allen again.
Maya Gallo: Urgh! I told you not to call me until you got help!
Woody Allen: [on phone] Uh, I'm holding for Maya Gallo.
Maya Gallo: Preston, I know it's you! You don't even sound like Woody Allen anymore!
Woody Allen: Preston? Who-who's Preston? This is Woody Allen. I just called to say that I read your piece and I think that you're a great writer.
[as Woody talks, Preston appears with a bouquet of flowers; Maya stands aghast as he sees him and realizes she has been talking to the real Woody Allen]
Woody Allen: [a.k.a Preston] Hi.
Woody Allen: Although, you know, not the best conversationalist.

"Just Shoot Me!: Slow Donnie (#3.11)" (1999)
[Nina comes in with a parakeet in a cage]
Jack: What is that filthy thing doing here?
Dennis: Come on, she works here.

Donnie DiMauro: Ha-ha, you're small!
Dennis: Just walk away, he's very special.

Nina: [on phone] Uh, Finch?
Dennis: Yeah, what is it?
Nina: The birds seem to have gotten out of their cages. Now the head bird seems to be pecking through the phone li...
[phone line goes dead]

Nina: You mean there's a hundred parakeets in my office?
Dennis: More like 99. One of them took a sip of your "orange juice" and flew into a fan.

Dennis: Careful. You're provoking the alpha male.
Nina: You don't know what you're talking about.
Dennis: Yes, I do. I used to date an ornithologist.
Nina: That's the study of trees, right?
Dennis: Umm... birds. Remember, we were just talking about birds?
Nina: So what happened?
Dennis: She dumped me 'cause all the other ornithologists were making fun of her for going out with a guy named Finch. Hurtful eggheads. Why couldn't they just let us be?

Dennis: So Dorna Luge is back in the country. Did she bring me anything?
Nina: Here.
[gives Dennis a ceramic cat]
Dennis: Ooh! meow, meow! A calico! Aw, why did they had to queer it up with a pink collar?

"Just Shoot Me!: A Spy in the House of Me (#3.12)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: [admiring his new engraved Louisville Slugger bat] Check it out, right there: Jack Gallo. Every great ballplayer has had his name engraved on a Louisville Slugger.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, I know. My niece Tiffany got one.

Dennis Finch: Today I'll be interviewing candidates for the new intern spot.
Nina Van Horn: Ooh, new interns.
Dennis Finch: Which brings me to my next point. Please do not talk to the recruits, please do not offer encouragement, please do not handcuff them to your desk.
Nina Van Horn: I was merely trying to... Okay, I won't.

John Kenny: It's just like I say at the end of my second act: sometimes, the brightest room in the house of me is the one with the lamp called tomorrow.
Dennis Finch: And sometimes you want to puke in a toilet called yesterday.

Dennis Finch: This is a fashion mag-o-zine, and we may put on our pants one leg at a time, but they're nice pants with belts that match our shoes.

Dennis Finch: Who are you, Toliver? Says here you're from Manchester. The only things they have in Manchester are pools and fools. I don't see a diving board, which one are you? You must be a fool!

Dennis Finch: Brian Toliver. Your middle initial wouldn't be L, would it?
Brian Toliver: M.
Dennis Finch: Yeah? Well if it was L, you'd be B.L.T, wouldn't you?

"Just Shoot Me!: The Withholder (#3.6)" (1998)
Nina: I like to think of my body as a temple.
Dennis: Which explains why there's a line to get in on Friday nights.

Maya: So, how was Jamaica?
Dennis: Just like Florida, except everyone speaks English.

Elliot: Tell me you didn't do anything weird like talk about your action figure collection.
Dennis: A: of course not; and B: it's a sound financial investment.
Maya: C: not if you take them out of the box and play with them.

Elliot: I assumed you closed the deal.
Dennis: Please, a gentleman doesn't tell.
Maya: So what's stopping you?
Dennis: Let's just say I did my fair share of body surfing. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot]
Maya: What does that mean?
Dennis: Let's just say all of Dennis' fun wasn't under the sun. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot]
Maya: What are you saying?
Dennis: Let's just say the tide was not the only thing going in and out. Yeah!
[high-fives Elliot; Elliot refuses]
Elliot: You didn't get any, did you?
Dennis: No.

Dennis: It's not like I didn't see her naked.
Elliot: Did you?
Dennis: Yeah. I just pretended to be asleep while she was getting it on with the tennis pro.

Jack: I need to lose a few pounds fast.
Nina: Then I have a sure-fire way of losing weight.
Dennis: Let me guess. Sweating under the oldies?
Nina: Shouldn't you be at the North Pole making toys?

"Just Shoot Me!: Lemon Wacky Hello (#1.6)" (1997)
Jack: Here, Dennis.
Dennis: Oh, another scarf. What are the odds?
Jack: No. It's an ascot. The pictures tell the story of a young boy so daring he stole wisdom from the moon.
Dennis: Thank you. I will cherish it always.
[to Elliot]
Dennis: Trade you for the screaming monkey.
Elliot: Done.

Nina: I've still *got* it!
Dennis: I'll have the pharmacy send over more cream.

Dennis: Something's amiss. Something's askew. Yeah. Something or someone is out of whack.

Elliot: How was China?
Jack: It was wonderful. You know, it's the Year of the Rat, but I keep writing Year of the Dog on my checks. The guy at the airport told me that one.
Dennis: Not as well as you, I'll bet.

Nina: You know, I once had an affair with a high-ranking Chinese dignitary. Don't ask me his name.
Dennis: It's a deal.

Dennis: [wearing wading overalls and holding a net] Be careful out there. There's like a million bats flying down Lexington Avenue. But I'm on it.

"Just Shoot Me!: First Date (#4.8)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: No offense, Jack, but I think I can choose how soon I can date again. I'm a grown man. Ooh, check out the boobies!

Cindy: Who else wants a hug?
Dennis Finch: I'll ask around.
[walks away]
Nina Van Horn: Better not. No telling what I'll do with my hands around your neck.

Dennis Finch: Ladies and gentlemen, I have big news. I have mended my broken heart and are back on the prowl.
Jack Gallo: That's great.
Nina Van Horn: Congratulations.
Jack Gallo: What's her name?
Dennis Finch: [holding copy of Blush] Well, I don't know her name yet, but for now I'm calling her "page 106".

Nina Van Horn: Dennis, where's my Roladex?
Dennis Finch: I don't know what you mean.
Nina Van Horn: Eight models called me to complain that you called them asking for dates.
Dennis Finch: One of them accepted.
Nina Van Horn: She was afraid! She thought you were calling from inside her home.

Dennis Finch: Adrienne was voted the seventh most beautiful woman in the world. I am willing to go as low as thirty. Thirty-one if she has a trampoline.

Nina Van Horn: She's on her way up. Are you ready?
Dennis Finch: I came out of my mother ready.
Nina Van Horn: That's pleasant.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina and the Rocker (#7.3)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, what's that body part that sounds dirty but is not?
Dennis Finch: Uvula.
Jack Gallo: Thank you.

Jack Gallo: Rock stars are pathetic. They are always surrounded by fawning groupies and yes men who tell them what they want to hear. Am I right, Dennis?
Dennis Finch: Of course, Chief. You've done it again.

Jack Gallo: Everyone's so excited about this Simon Leeds. What's so great about him?
Dennis Finch: The chunky girl from PR threw her panties at him.
Jack Gallo: There was a time chunky girls from PR used to throw their panties at me.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, but they were called bloomers, and the Wright Brothers owned a bike shop.

Dennis Finch: Good morning, Vicki.
[drops pencils]
Dennis Finch: Oops, clumsy me.
Vicki Costa: You are so childish. You did that on purpose so I can bend over while you watch.
Dennis Finch: Did I? Or did I do it so I can bend over while you watch?

Jack Gallo: The point is, I have let my image slip. I need something to spruce it up.
Dennis Finch: How about a monocle? Like Colonel Klink.
Jack Gallo: He was a Nazi!
Dennis Finch: Not just any Nazi. America's favorite Nazi.

Dennis Finch: You know what I do when a girl doesn't put out?
Maya Gallo: You don't pay her?

"Just Shoot Me!: The Pirate of Love (#4.16)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Of course, buying cookies is completely voluntary, so no pressure. Dennis?
Dennis Finch: [takes out large chart] Everyone here starts out with a little sad face next to their name. But once you buy five boxes of cookies - Presto! - it turns into a smiley face.
Jack Gallo: Now, this chart is for bookkeeping purposes only. I'll scarsely even notice it.
[to Dennis]
Jack Gallo: Eye level, please.

Dennis Finch: Look, we all have fantasies. I have one where Jack is my father and I eat dinner at his house. Do I want it to happen? No. I have my own stupid father.

Jack Gallo: Good people of Blush, Dennis has an important announcement. Dennis?
Dennis Finch: Because of a slowing of the economy, the following people will be laid off...
Jack Gallo: No, Dennis, the other announcement. That's next Tuesday's announcement.

Nina Van Horn: Don't you want Adrienne back?
Dennis Finch: I'll do it my own way. Psychic messages.

Dennis Finch: Wow, this is great. You with your movie, me with my growth spurt... it's like all our fantasies are coming true.
[Puts cookie over eye]
Dennis Finch: Or "arr" they?
Adrienne Barker: What are you doing?
Dennis Finch: Cookie?

Dennis Finch: How dare you, invoke my name in your sexual fantasies without my written consent?
Adrienne Barker: That's the lamest thing I've ever heard!
Dennis Finch: Yeah? Well, stick around, baby!

"Just Shoot Me!: About a Boy (#6.13)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: An au pair is a live-in baby sitter.
Nina Van Horn: They work for room and board. They're usually foreigners.
Dennis Finch: Are they all that hot?
Nina Van Horn: Pretty much. The INS does a good job of screening out the uggos.
Jack Gallo: It's a controversial policy, but one that works.

Dennis Finch: Kevin, I'm sorry I can't be with you tonight. I have something I'm working on.
Kevin Liotta: What?
Dennis Finch: Details are top secret, but I'm planning on having sex tonight.

Karen: Why is there a hanger on your back.
Dennis Finch: Huh? Oh. All the great artists have hangers on their back when they paint. Picasso, Van Gogh, Spagetti-O...

Dennis Finch: You shot the cover of Rolling Stone? Wow, man. I'm impressed.
Elliot DiMauro: Thanks. Coming from you, that means a lot.
Dennis Finch: Wait a minute. Are you being sarcastic?
Elliot DiMauro: No. Are you?
Dennis Finch: No. You?
Elliot DiMauro: I'll tell you what. We'll both answer together on the count of three. Ready? One, two, three.
Elliot DiMauro, Dennis Finch: Nnnnnoooooyyyeeeeesssss... No!
Elliot DiMauro: I think we just had a moment.
Dennis Finch: No, we didn't because I was messing with you. Hey, everyone! Elliot thought we had a moment!

Dennis Finch: You have excellent qualifications, Esperanza. Unfortunately, I will not be able to hire you as my au pair for one simple reason. I have fallen in love with you. Every time you speak, every time you laugh, it stirs something in me like the wooden flutes and giant guitars of your native Peru. Let's say after dinner we go to my house for a romantic night of doing it.
[Esperanza throws her drink in Dennis' face]

Kevin Liotta: I'm sorry. Can I bake you a pie?
Dennis Finch: If you mean it when you bake it, yes.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina in the Cantina (#2.15)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: Can you believe this is Nina from "Nina in the Cantina"?
Dennis Finch: Why not? It's not like the song is called "Nina in the Think Tank."

Dennis Finch: You have a right to be mad. You know what I do when I feel mad? I smash something
[gently nudges the vase Jack made him]
Dennis Finch: Go for it.
[Elliot smashes a porcelain cat next to the vase]
Dennis Finch: No! Not my porcelain cat!
Elliot DiMauro: I'm sorry. I'll replace it.
Dennis Finch: It? It had a name! Oh, Skittles.

Elliot DiMauro: What you got there?
Dennis Finch: The new Annie Leibowitz coffee table book.
Elliot DiMauro: [puts coffee mug on book] Hey, look. It works.
Dennis Finch: I seem to have struck a nerve.
Elliot DiMauro: I'm sorry. Annie Leibowitz is a first-rate photographer, even if her work's not that avant-garde. I have been working with body paints for years, and nobody notices. She puts pinstripes on Demi Moore and boom!, everybody goes nuts. Whatever.
Dennis Finch: Best fifty-three bucks I ever spent.
[tosses book in trash]

[Jack has made an ugly vase, and wants Dennis to keep it on his desk]
Jack Gallo: I want people to see that underneath this business suit lies the soul of an artist. Can you believe that was inside me all this years?
Dennis Finch: That's what it looks like.

Nina Van Horn: Did someone mention my affair with a certain famous rock star? My ears were burning.
Dennis Finch: That's the hair dye.

Jack Gallo: Allie took me to this place in the mall where you can make your own pottery. It's like an artist colony.
Dennis Finch: Next to The Gap.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Proposal: Part 2 (#5.13)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: [reading Dennis' screenplay] "The Amazing Adventures of Dick Tation."
Dennis Finch: It's a coming of age story, based on my life.
Nina Van Horn: You seem to be having an awful lot of sex in here.
Dennis Finch: Loosely based.

Nina Van Horn: If I lose this job, I could wind up in the street.
Dennis Finch: Calm down. It's almost summer.

Ron: Hey, got any dirty magazines lying around?
Dennis Finch: Do I? What do you want? Blonde, burnette? Big, small? Old, young?
Ron: Let's try old, blonde and small.
Dennis Finch: You got it!

Dennis Finch: Check it out. Animal Planet.
Jack Gallo: Look at the gazelles. Uh oh, that one's limping. Now here comes mister lion. That's unfortunate.
Dennis Finch: Jack, they want you up at Graphics.
Jack Gallo: Change my lunch order to a salad.

Nina Van Horn: Any suspects?
Dennis Finch: No, but I have my ideas.
Nina Van Horn: It has to be Jack. I mean, who else would have access to his office?
Dennis Finch: Everyone. He leaves it open at night.
Nina Van Horn: I bet it's Akbar form accounting. He's different from us. Very suspicious.
Dennis Finch: No, it has to be someone with no moral center. Someone who is always short on money. Someone who makes poor decisions. Possibly a drinker.
Nina Van Horn: I'm telling you it's Akbar!

Dennis Finch: It's not just a dirty movie. It's a story of hope and love, and some group love.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Odd Couple: Part 2 (#3.25)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Adrienne and I are getting married.
Jack Gallo: Are you on the crack, boy?
Dennis Finch: I'm serious. I love her, she loves me, so we're getting married.
Elliot DiMauro: I think Jack asked you a question!

Dennis Finch: Church of the Rising Star. Isn't that that cult you used to belong to?
Nina Van Horn: Oh, please. A few people get together, shave their heads, turn their property over to a charismatic leader, and suddenly it's a cult.

Dennis Finch: Today is the proudest day of my life.
Nina Van Horn: Aw, did you draw something we can put on the fridge?
Dennis Finch: [hugs Nina] Oh, Nina. Always a delight.
Nina Van Horn: All right, what did he put on my back?

Adrienne Barker: Who's my tickle monkey?
Dennis Finch: Me!
Adrienne Barker: Who's my squirmy bear?
Dennis Finch: I am!
Adrienne Barker: Who's my little inchworm?
Dennis Finch: Honey, I'm not too crazy about that one.

Jack Gallo: I've forgotten how much fun having martinis in the daytime is. It just makes the whole afternoon fly by.
Dennis Finch: It's 11:30.
Jack Gallo: Well, this blows.

Dennis Finch: Can you do a wedding?
Minister: Not without a groom.
Dennis Finch: I'm the groom.
Minister: No, seriously. Where is he?
Adrienne Barker: He is, and I'm very much in love with my little wokkie.
Dennis Finch: Wookie. What if it's an emergency?
Minister: I can't because, one, it's my day off; two, you don't have any witnesses; and three, you've obviously made a pact with Satan, and I want no part of that.
Dennis Finch: I'll give you 200 bucks.
Minister: Well, let's do this puppy!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Odd Couple: Part 1 (#3.24)" (1999)
Maya Gallo: Wait a minute, you had that same look on your face two years ago. You had sex, didn't you?
Nina Van Horn: You had sex with Adrienne?
Dennis Finch: Please, stop being so crude. Made love... four times!

Maya Gallo: No offense, but why would she be go out with a little rat like you?
Dennis Finch: None taken. God.
Nina Van Horn: God?
Dennis Finch: Yes. He's finally making up for all the injustices. Having to sit o a phone book for my driver's license exam, not shaving until I was 28... He's taken it all away, and that's how it's gonna stay!

Dennis Finch: Come on, Rhonda. It's not like we'll be in a date.
Rhonda: But you'll be there.
Dennis Finch: Yes.
Rhonda: That's the part I can't get past.

Barry: Hey, little T.
Maya Gallo: Little T?
Dennis Finch: They called me that because I was a badass like Mr. T.
Barry: Yeah, right! T is for T-shirt. He never took his off for swim practice.
Maya Gallo: Really?
Dennis Finch: My skin is sensitive to the sun's harmful rays.
Barry: It was an indoor pool.

Barry: So what do they have you doing around here?
Dennis Finch: I'm chief of staff. Uh, kind of upper management problem solver...
Jack Gallo: Dennis, get me a doughnut. Oh, and Dennis, make sure they don't overdo it with the hole. I'm not paying for air.

Maya Gallo: You don't think Adrienne will really go out with you, do you?
Dennis Finch: You're right. We're practically different species. I'm not ever sure we could mate.
Maya Gallo: This is about your friend Barry, isn't it?
Dennis Finch: Yes. When I show up with Adrienne, it'll be a swift kick in his nut bins.

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch Gets Dick (#4.4)" (1999)
Adrienne Barker: Dennis, you're not having one of your weird jealous fits, are you?
Dennis Finch: Jealous? No.
Delivery Guy: Excuse me, miss. I need someone to sign for this.
Dennis Finch: No one is impressed by your muscles, so beat it!

Dennis Finch: I need your advice. There's this guy Kyle.
Jack Gallo: I get it. Kyle is you.
Dennis Finch: No, Kyle's this other guy, and he's trying to sleep with Adrienne.
Jack Gallo: I see, and Kyle is having trouble in the sack.
Dennis Finch: I'm not Kyle!

Dennis Finch: I have a little present for you. Not salt, just Pepper.
Kyle: Pepper!
Dennis Finch: Your supposed dead dog. I found her in your grandmother's backyard.
Kyle: How did you know?
Dennis Finch: I just thought to myself, where would I go to hide my darkest, deepest secret? I'd go to the only woman I trust: Nana!

Jack Gallo: You're jealous because you're insecure.
Dennis Finch: I am, and I shouldn't be.
Jack Gallo: Yes, you should. You never let her see the real you. For Gosh's sake, you have her thinking you were a marksman in the Gulf War.
Dennis Finch: Tank commander, but I see your point.
Jack Gallo: If you want your marriage to work, you have to be honest with her.
Dennis Finch: There has to be another way.
Jack Gallo: Honesty, Dennis. It's the key to a healthy marriage.
Elliot DiMauro: Jack, Ally wants to know if you can join her for lunch.
Jack Gallo: Tell her I'm at the dentist.
Jack Gallo: [to Dennis] It's a little game we play.

Elliot DiMauro: I wouldn't worry about this Kyle. They're just buddies, like in "When Harry Met Sally".
Dennis Finch: Harry slept with Sally.
Elliot DiMauro: Really? I left early.

Jack Gallo: I got the perfect present for you. I don't want to give it away, but do you own a canoe?
Dennis Finch: No, thanks.
Jack Gallo: You're in danger of getting a gift certificate.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Bad Grandma (#6.21)" (2002)
Noonie: Dennis, you're so funny. Now do Edward G. Robinson.
Dennis Finch: [imitating Edward G. Robinson] Yeah, see? I'm Edward G. Robinson, see? Now here's the deal!
Noonie: Now do Arthur Gottfried.
Dennis Finch: [same voice] I'm Arthur Gottfried, see? Now here's the deal!

Dennis Finch: We're watching "Jeopardy", followed by a "Friends" rerun.
Noonie: Followed by an all new "Friends."
Dennis Finch: Followed by another "Friends" reruns.
Noonie: I love that show. The Jewish boy has a monkey.

Dennis Finch: What am I going to do?
Kevin Liotta: You could tell Elliot she was already dead.
Dennis Finch: I can't do that. He'll be furious. Bald people hit really hard. They're mad at the world.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, what's that movie I like?
Dennis Finch: Private Benjamin.
Jack Gallo: Ha ha! Funny movie. Go buy me a sweater vest.

Elliot DiMauro: Now you're talling people that she's your grandma?
Dennis Finch: It's easier than having to explain the whole situation.
Elliot DiMauro: You stole my grandma!
Dennis Finch: Don't worry, I don't know where it's going.

"Just Shoot Me!: Liotta? Liotta! (#6.12)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Look at that bridge. That's the George Washington Bridge.
Dennis Finch: Oh, no.
Jack Gallo: The man deserves a bridge. In fact, he was a bridge. A bridge from tyranny to freedom.
Dennis Finch: Where did this come from? Did you see movie? Read a book?
Jack Gallo: Book. I'm nearly at page three and I'm riveted.

Jack Gallo: Get me the Stafford catalog. I want to own something of the man, something that will inspire me every day.
Dennis Finch: So the Ben Franklin phase is over?
Jack Gallo: Yes, Get rid of the kite. Leave the key.

Jack Gallo: Is that the Maya thing?
Dennis Finch: You know about the Maya thing?
Jack Gallo: Who doesn't know about the Maya thing?
Maya Gallo: Hey, what's going on?

Dennis Finch: This is much better than my Maya thing. Mine was just Maya changing into a sports bra.
Maya Gallo: Give me that!

Jack Gallo: Listen at you two, complaining about soda. Do you realize the kind of hardships George Washington's men had to endure that winter at Valley Forge?
Dennis Finch: Kinda. The AC is great, but sometimes it gets a little chilly.

"Just Shoot Me!: Jack Vents (#4.5)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: "Rage to Riches". Came in second.
Maya Gallo: All right! What did I get?
Dennis Finch: Did you pick him to win?
Maya Gallo: Yes.
Dennis Finch: Then nothing.
Maya Gallo: Rats! I just lost $50!
Dennis Finch: 50? Why'd you bet so much?
Maya Gallo: Oh, I was only going to bet five but then the bookie said "five dimes?" and I said "Fifty dollars? What the Hell?" Fifty dollars, I truly hit rock bottom.
Dennis Finch: Sit down. It just got rockier. Maya, dimes are thousands. Five dimes, five thousand dollars. You lost five thousand dollars.
Maya Gallo: No, no! This isn't happening! This isn't real! Dimes are ten! FIve dimes, fifty dollars!
Dennis Finch: Well, you'd better have it when the bookie comes here.
Maya Gallo: The bookie's coming here?
Maya Gallo: They tend to drop by at the five thousand range.
Dennis Finch: Ooooh! Rags to Riches, you slow, hairy bitch!

Nina Van Horn: Reason number one why I should have a limo: as an editor of this magazine, I need to be seen in a position of power.
Dennis Finch: As opposed to her usual position, passed out on her table. It's so easy.
Nina Van Horn: Enjoy it while it lasts, Finch. Puberty changes everything.

Dennis Finch: Jack, your sounds of the jungle tape just came in.
Jack Gallo: Is it any good?
Dennis Finch: You like monkeys?
Jack Gallo: Leave it on my desk.

Dennis Finch: What are you betting on?
Maya Gallo: Rags to Riches, race 23.
Dennis Finch: Jamaican dog racing?
Maya Gallo: Yes. I like dogs, I went to Jamaica on spring break, and I'm always racing from one place to another.
Dennis Finch: Sometimes I wish you were a guy so I could punch you.

Maya Gallo: I'm writing a very edgy article on women gamblers, and I'm looking for some hot leads.
Dennis Finch: On the Yellow Pages? Good work, Matlock.
Maya Gallo: I'm looking for Gamblers Anonymous. Did you know that women are the fastest growth demographic among gamblers?
Dennis Finch: Did you know you work for a fashion magazine?

"Just Shoot Me!: Just Shoot Me (#1.0)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: [shaking Dennis' hand] Hello, I'm Maya.
Dennis Finch: Ah, well, "bye-a."
Maya Gallo: Uh, no. I'm here to see Jack Gallo.
Dennis Finch: And I'm here to make sure you don't. Next time, call for an appointment; that way I can reject you on the phone, and then you won't have to get all gussied up.

Dennis Finch: Hey hey, oh, you're Jack's daughter - you babe. Dennis Finch, Jack's executive assistant. His right-hand man. Actually, he's more like a father to me.
Maya Gallo: Ah, then you haven't seen him in a year either.

Dennis Finch: Listen up - I just got the cyber-skinny on our little friend Maya: Stanford grad, dean's list, no current boyfriend, but she is on the pill.
Nina Van Horn: You got all that on the internet?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and rifling through her purse.

Nina Van Horn: She'll be gone by the end of the day.
Dennis Finch: Great; just make it look like an accident.
Nina Van Horn: No, no, no! She's leaving on her own.
Dennis Finch: Got it; we never spoke.
[Nina smiles quizzically and gives a thumbs-up]

[phone rings; Dennis answers]
Dennis Finch: Jack Gallo's office.... Hey, boss. How did it go?... All right!
Dennis Finch: [to Maya] They had the baby.
Maya Gallo: Yeah, well, congratulations.
Dennis Finch: [to Jack] Maya says, "Congratulations," but it's in a tone that connotes disinterest.... Whew!
Dennis Finch: [to Maya] Eight pounds, twelve ounces.
Maya Gallo: Ouch.
Dennis Finch: [to Jack] She's making sport of your courageous wife's pain....
Dennis Finch: [to Maya] Blue eyes, dark hair, great lungs.
Maya Gallo: Just like Elvis.
Dennis Finch: [to Jack] She's comparing the baby to a bloated drug addict.
[Maya walks away]
Dennis Finch: [to Maya] Hey, it's a girl: You got a sister.
Maya Gallo: A sister? She's not my sister.... Oh, my god. She's my sister. I have a sister.
Dennis Finch: [to Jack] Now she's just babbling.

"Just Shoot Me!: Brandi, You're a Fine Girl (#5.6)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: Can she see you?
David Carradine: No, I'm only in your mind. That's why I'm wearing this leather jacket you saw at Banana Republic.

Dennis Finch: He was so normal growning up. We used to ride our skateboards, read comic books, talking about our dream weddings... all typical guy stuff.

Dennis Finch: Do you want to do anything tonight?
Burt: Is there an arcade nearby?
Dennis Finch: You still like video games?
Burt: Of course. They didn't replace my brain, doof.
Dennis Finch: You're the doof.
Burt: Buttface!
Dennis Finch: You're the buttface, buttface!
Burt: You're the astronaut Buttface who ran unopposed for the mayor of Turdtown!
Dennis Finch: Damn, Burt! You still got game!

Dennis Finch: Before we left, we made a sacred oath.
Elliot DiMauro: To never forget that wonderful summer night by the lake.
Dennis Finch: With your mom? Backfire!

Maya Gallo: She shouldn't be abusing her influence like that.
Dennis Finch: Maya, no can do on those dinner reservations.
Maya Gallo: Tell him I'm Jack Gallo's daughter!
Dennis Finch: As you wish, Evita.

"Just Shoot Me!: My Fair Finchy (#7.18)" (2003)
[Dennis and Rhonda come out of the elevator after making out]
Jack Gallo: We've been waiting for the elevator for twenty minutes.
Dennis Finch: Only eighteen of that was foreplay.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, I want you to find all the information you can on a Marjorie Moynihan.
Dennis Finch: The maid? Dude, you can do better than that.

Maya Gallo: Mike is so great. We met at a self-fulfilment seminar. It's so great to have someone who gets you.
Dennis Finch: I know. It's like with me and Rhonda.
Maya Gallo: The way he laughs, the way he kisses...
Dennis Finch: The way she cuffs me, the way she doesn't leave bruises...
[both sigh in unison]

Jack Gallo: What is that on your neck? Did you get branded?
Dennis Finch: No. Rhonda heated up a belt buckle and gave me a little love burn.
Jack Gallo: Dennis, this woman, is she holding you against your will?
Dennis Finch: No, we're cool.
Jack Gallo: I see. She's watching us, isn't she? Blink three times if you want me to call the authorities.

Dennis Finch: You know, I've met a lot of girls and some were filthy and some were dirty - but she was filthy AND dirty, she had it all.

"Just Shoot Me!: Da Sister Who Loved DiMauro (#7.5)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: It was nothing like that. We just talked. She says I'm a good listener.
Dennis Finch: Good, then you'll be able to listen to this.
Dennis Finch: You're a loser.

Dennis Finch: Remember me? D. Finch.
Rhonda Ferrara: What's the D stand for?
Dennis Finch: Dennis, as in not if but whenis.

Dennis Finch: Nina, you just got a call from an Andre.
Nina Van Horn: Ah, Andre Delacroix, masseuse to the stars. A massage from him is like being touched by the hands of God, except God doesn't spend that much time on your thighs.

Dennis Finch: Welcome to the jungle, baby. Hope you had your shots.

Rhonda Ferrara: Shut up, you little gerbil. I'm driving this train, and you're just shoveling coal. If you don't keep it hot enough, I'm throwing you on the tracks like the piece of garbage that you are.
Dennis Finch: Heaven must be missing an angel.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Choice (#3.23)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Five bucks if he sniffs at least two bagels.
Elliot DiMauro: Why would he sniff a bagel?
Dennis Finch: Dude, I don't know. Why does he rub the faxes on his face? Do you want to bet?

Jack Gallo: Dennis, could you get me some water?
Dennis Finch: Why? Someone have a bet on how many tugs it takes me to open the refrigerator door?

Jack Gallo: Dennis, are the new bagels in yet?
Dennis Finch: In the kitchen.
Jack Gallo: May I have one?
Dennis Finch: I don't see why not.
Jack Gallo: Is there anything I can do for you while I'm up?
Dennis Finch: You could lose the attitude.

Elliot DiMauro: Remind me never to eat the bagels.
Dennis Finch: Or drink the apple juice.
Elliot DiMauro: The apple...
Dennis Finch: You don't wanna know.

Elliot DiMauro: You're betting on me now? I thought we were betting on him.
Dennis Finch: I go where the action takes me, dude.
Jack Gallo: Ha! There it is! Pay up.
Elliot DiMauro: Damn it.
Dennis Finch: What is this?
Elliot DiMauro: I bet Jack you wouldn't say "dude" in the next fifteen minutes.
Jack Gallo: But you came through like the predictable little monkey you are, "dude".
Dennis Finch: I only say it because I can't remember your names.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Proposal: Part 1 (#5.12)" (2001)
Nina Van Horn: Just think, everyone thought I would wind up a man-chasing boozehound. Well, I showed them!
[she leaves]
Elliot DiMauro: What, no comeback? That was a gimme.
Dennis Finch: I don't go for cheap shots. Remember that, baldy.

Elliot DiMauro: What is going on here?
Jack Gallo: The ring got stuck on his toe.
Dennis Finch: There's a simple explanation for this.
Elliot DiMauro: Really? I can't wait to hear it.
Dennis Finch: I was in the tub, and I was pretending that my feet were getting married to each other.
Jack Gallo: Then he called me and I came over to help.
Dennis Finch: It could have happened to anyone.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, yeah? Name one time.
Elliot DiMauro: I think it happened on an "ER."
Dennis Finch: I saw that one. It really brought the hospital together.
Jack Gallo: They're a very tight-knit group.
Elliot DiMauro: Will you please stop it?

Jack Gallo: I can't believe it. My little girl is getting married.
Dennis Finch: You still have me, Jack.

Dennis Finch: Jack, we need one more headline for this month's issue.
Jack Gallo: Perfect! I am the king of this. What's it for?
Dennis Finch: The new spring hair styles.
Jack Gallo: How about, "Hair ye! Hair ye! Spring is hair!"? Why aren't you writing it down?
Dennis Finch: Frankly, you can do better.
Jack Gallo: How about this? "Hair, there, everywhere."
Dennis Finch: Keep trying.
Jack Gallo: All right, what would you write?
Dennis Finch: Ummm... make it about orgasms, leave out the hair.
Jack Gallo: There's nothing more I can teach you.

[Jack, Nina and Dennis are watching Elliot and Maya from the bar]
Jack Gallo: I think maybe we should actually leave.
Nina Van Horn: Nonsense. Elliot and Maya would want us to stay.
Dennis Finch: I can't see this magical moment.
Nina Van Horn: Fine. Barkeep, bring us another phone book.

"Just Shoot Me!: Mum's the Word (#5.3)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: You know what this is?
Jack Gallo: The outside of the office you're supposed to be in?
Dennis Finch: No, they're filming The Nomad.
Jack Gallo: Who?
Dennis Finch: The Nomad. It's a TV show. He travels from town to town solving crimes, armed only with his wits and the occasional help of a superintelligent raven.
Jack Gallo: That sounds stupid.
Dennis Finch: You sound stupid! I'm sorry. He's been through so much.

Jack Gallo: I don't get that show. If he's a nomad, how does he get his mail?
Dennis Finch: You know what? We don't need viewers like you.

Dennis Finch: Elliot, I have a message for you. Oh, no. This is not for you, it's for a Mr. J.L Bird. Mr. Jai-L Bird.
Elliot DiMauro: Who's he?
Dennis Finch: A new guy. Oh, here it is. No, this isn't for you either. This is for a Grant F. Auto. Grand Theft-Auto.
Elliot DiMauro: Maya!
Dennis Finch: Prisoner on the rampage! Lockdown! Lockdown!

Dennis Finch: Paging Mr. Saul Itaryconfinement.

Dennis Finch: He's like a god to me.
Jack Gallo: You know, I'm sitting right here.

"Just Shoot Me!: Mr. Jealousy (#7.2)" (2002)
Dennis Finch: [Elliot has been talking to a Russian model] Dude, she's hot. You gonna Vladimir her Putin?
[Elliot leaves]
Dennis Finch: Sorry, was I being too Volga?

Dennis Finch: What are you doing?
Vicki Costa: Don't worry, Finch. I'm not going to touch you. I'm just looking for the fear.
Dennis Finch: Huh?
Vicki Costa: I find what you're most afraid of and then I strike.
Dennis Finch: Do you have access to elves?
Vicki Costa: He, he, he, he.
Dennis Finch: Answer me!

Dennis Finch: If I eat Count Chockula, a Ding Dong and a packet of sugar, will I blackout?

Vicki Costa: [gives Dennis a foil swan] Here, we didn't finish dessert.
Dennis Finch: How ironic. I was going to give you the bird.

Dennis Finch: I see your little game. You're all "I'm gonna get ya", and I'm all "Ooh, when's the axe gonna drop?" Well, guess what? There is no axe, 'cause you ain't got the onions, sistah!

"Just Shoot Me!: In the Company of Maya (#2.12)" (1998)
[after viewing Staci's hemorrhoid commercial]
Staci: So, what did you think?
Elliot DiMauro: I'm... speechless.
Dennis Finch: I'm not.
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, you are.

Nina Van Horn: Who is that guy with Maya?
Dennis Finch: I don't recall. Perhaps a dead president might jog my memory.
Nina Van Horn: Okay, here.
[give Dennis some money]
Dennis Finch: His name is Steve McPherson. He's a writer and Maya's helping him with his articles.
Nina Van Horn: Where did he come from?
Dennis Finch: I'm blanking.
[Nina gives him more money]
Dennis Finch: He's a failed playwright, so he got into journalism.
Nina Van Horn: Anything else?
Dennis Finch: I can't remember.
[Nina gives him more money]
Dennis Finch: I still can't remember.
[Nina gives him more money]
Dennis Finch: Seriously, I can't remember, but nice doing business with you.

Elliot DiMauro: Oh, God! Why did it have to be hemorrhoids?
Jack Gallo: I think it's great. You should be proud of her.
Elliot DiMauro: You think so?
Dennis Finch: You know what they say. You have to start at the *bottom*.

Elliot DiMauro: I'm going to have lunch with Staci.
Dennis Finch: Oh, will that be buffet or sit down?
Elliot DiMauro: Look, I'm okay with her doing a hemorrhoid commercial.
Dennis Finch: I know, I'm itching to see it again. Have a swell time. Get it? Swell, because...
Elliot DiMauro: I get it!

[Staci the "hemorrhoid girl" dumps Elliot]
Dennis Finch: You know what? You showed a lot of class. A lesser man would have rectum. That's the last one.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Devil and Maya Gallo (#1.2)" (1997)
Dennis Finch: Maya this and Maya that. Next thing you know, she'll be getting my weekend at the company yacht.
Nina Van Horn: We have a company yacht?
Dennis Finch: No.

Maya Gallo: But what about my new stories?
Dennis Finch: Shh. If you say them out loud they won't come true.

Maya Gallo: Here's my new idea.
Jack Gallo: Lay it on me.
Maya Gallo: A hard-hitting expose on the apalling working conditions of foreign workers on the garment industry.
Dennis Finch: Boo-hoo.
Nina Van Horn: Maya, you're new here, so let me introduce you to the phrase "pooping in your own nest."

Elliot DiMauro: I'm off to shoot my salute to the thong, and this time it's a closed set.
Dennis Finch: What? I need to measure the floors for insurance purposes.
Elliot DiMauro: Please. Half the photographs have your head in them.

Elliot DiMauro: On a scale from nine to ten how much did you missed me?
Maya: If nine is not at all, then four.
Dennis: Ha, ha, haa.

"Just Shoot Me!: It's Raining Babies (#7.8)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: You know George Lucas is my idol. Just this year I've written fourteen Star Wars, eight Indiana Joneses, and a sequel to Willow. You have a dwarf and a sword, the thing writes itself.

Dennis Finch: What this cocktail needs is half a dash of Finch.

Dennis Finch: What's the worst thing I can do to a woman?
Maya Gallo: Go out with her, and after taking her virginity, dump her and then go to the prom with Susan Wilson.
Dennis Finch: I like that, but it might take too long.

Dennis Finch: I have a good idea for a Star Wars movie, where Chewwie and Boba Fett put together a softball team of misfit Jedis.
George Lucas: [as elevator closes] That's good.
Dennis Finch: It is? Oh, my God! He likes it!

Dennis Finch: You don't know her like I do. Underneath that hard exterior is a fragile, insecure woman with a liver held together with tape and glue.

"Just Shoot Me!: Dial 'N' for Murder (#4.13)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: Let me guess? She discovered you, taught you everything she knows, and then you dumped her cold.
Nina Van Horn: Who told you that?
Dennis Finch: You, at your 10th annual 39th birthday party.

Elliot DiMauro: When Nature creates a perfect female body, men have to check it out. It's in our genetic coding.
Dennis Finch: Our DNA likes the T n' A.

Catherine DuChamp: Are you gonna sit down, or shall I ask the waitress for a booster seat?
Dennis Finch: That's funny. Did you make that same joke to Napoleon?

Dennis Finch: [a beautiful blonde walks by] Ooh! All hail her royal heinie.
Elliot DiMauro: Where has she been hiding?
Dennis Finch: Accounts layable.
Elliot DiMauro: More like human resources.
Dennis Finch: What?
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, I'm trying, man.

Dennis Finch: Break it down! You're a clown! I'm the king... of chesstown.

"Just Shoot Me!: Choosing to Be Super (#5.5)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: Maya, great job on that piece on women astronauts.
Maya Gallo: Thank you. You see? Serious journalism does have a place in Blush magazine.
Jack Gallo: But these photographs are all wrong. There is no gravity up in space, their skirts should be way up in the air.
Dennis Finch: Every day, in some little way, I realize you're a genius.

Dennis Finch: Whoop! Nerd alert! Whoop! This is not a drill! Whoop!
Alan: You mock because you have fear.
Maya Gallo: That's true!
Alan: You need to get over your fear. Over... your fear. I believe you can do it. Can you?
Nina Van Horn: Yes, I believe!
Alan: How did that fish get on the line?

Nina Van Horn: All I'm saying is just because the man is a stinking drunk doesn't mean we can't be affected by the power of his words.
Dennis Finch: Or the size of his nipples.
Elliot DiMauro: How could you make fun of a man who is clearly in need of help?
Dennis Finch: I'm the bad guy? I'm the one who wedged him back into his pants.

Dennis Finch: On senior year, I grew six inches and lost eighty pounds.
Nina Van Horn: What were you before, a medicine ball?

Alan: Look, if I can show my face out there, you can go to that reunion.
[Opens door to leave]
Dennis Finch: Shh! Everyone be quiet. The drunk's awake.
Alan: So what time do folks go home around here?

"Just Shoot Me!: Fanny Finch (#5.19)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Hey, nice suit. Where have I seen it before?
Dennis Finch: Fred Savage wore it in the Wonder Years. Got it on eBay.

Fanny Finch, Dennis Finch's Mother: Dennis Quimby Finch.
Dennis Finch: Mommy! I mean, hello, mother.

Jack Gallo: Sorry I can't stay, but I have an aerobics class across the street. I'm dating the instructor.
Maya Gallo: Oh, you're still with Jill?
Dennis Finch: [sing-song] Jack and Jill. I hope she's on the pill.
[Jack stares at him]
Dennis Finch: I'm sorry.
Jack Gallo: How could you say that in front of your mother?
Dennis Finch: She doesn't understand what I'm saying.
Fanny Finch, Dennis Finch's Mother: I don't.

Dennis Finch: Just so you know, her name's Fanny.
Maya Gallo: Fanny, as in tushie?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and you have a big rack. We're all God's children.

Dennis Finch: It's her first time in New York. In fact, it's her first time out of Albany after the divorce.
Maya Gallo: Then she should go to MoMA. They're having an exhibition on the history of the fountain pen.
Dennis Finch: How have you not found mister right?

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Sees Red: Part 2 (#3.15)" (1999)
[Dennis is in a catatonic state]
Red Finch: There is only one thing that can snap him out of it. Dennis, your math tutor is here.
Dennis Finch: Margie? Margie?
Red Finch: Three bucks an hour, and all he did was stare at her bosom.

Dennis Finch: I like Nina, a lot... in a carnival sideshow kind of way.

Dennis Finch: Look at him. Thirty years of fighting fires, never once called in sick. Three days with Nina and he's eating through a tube.

Dennis Finch: You're not the first man Nina's put in the hospital. In fact, you're not the fourth.

Nina Van Horn: Do you know how many times I've been married?
Dennis Finch: No.
Nina Van Horn: Is there someplace we can find out, 'cause Binnie and I have sort of a bet.

"Just Shoot Me!: Tea & Secrecy (#4.15)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: Hold on. You know something.
Nina Van Horn: No, I don't.
Dennis Finch: Yes, you do. You're twitching.
Nina Van Horn: Can't a girl have a twitch?
Dennis Finch: That's an "I've got an itch to snitch" twitch.
Nina Van Horn: Who are you, Dr. Seuss?

Dennis Finch: Jack, your wife is on the phone. She forgot the security code for the appartment.
Jack Gallo: What is so tricky about the number five?

Jack Gallo: You mean I've been losing every time? That's doesn't seem fair.
Dennis Finch: If it's any consolation, you're a multi-millionaire with eight cars and a child bride.
Jack Gallo: I guess.

Dennis Finch: I can tell it's a good one, so I'll tell you something first. You know the night janitors? They all have wives named Lois.
Nina Van Horn: Yeah, so?
Dennis Finch: So there's like eight of them! Am I the only one that finds that weird?

Maya Gallo: How could you do this to me?
Jack Gallo: Do what?
Maya Gallo: Be so damn understanding!
Jack Gallo: Excuse me?
Maya Gallo: I mean, Elliot is obviously wrong for me!
Elliot DiMauro: Excuse me?
Maya Gallo: He's a compulsive womanizer! Finch, how many women has he slept with?
Dennis Finch: Hundred?
Elliot DiMauro: Finch!
Dennis Finch: Thousand?
Maya Gallo: You see? While you're all discussing your little magazine, I have become one-thousand-and-one!

"Just Shoot Me!: Jack Gets Tough (#4.10)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: Do you bring greetings from the future?
Dennis Finch: Yes, and there's still no cure for baldness.

Jack Gallo: You boob, you assured me Conrad was dead!
Dennis Finch: He has to be, why else would they cancel Jake and the Fatman?
Jack Gallo: That's *William* Conrad! Next time get it right.
Dennis Finch: [to himself] Next time write your own book.
Jack Gallo: What'd you say?
Dennis Finch: I was apologizing.

Dennis Finch: I have what's called a body built for fashion.
Elliot DiMauro: Finch, you have a body built to assist Santa Claus.

Jack Gallo: If Robert Conrad finds out, he could sue me for millions, and do you know what they'd call me if this got out?
Dennis Finch: Jack ass? A liar? A fraud? There's no right answer.

Jack Gallo: It's just a humble autobiography about an extraordinary man.
Dennis Finch: Translated from the gibberish by his assistant.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Two Faces of Finch: Part 1 (#6.2)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I've decided that the all G-string issue is the wrong direction for this magazine.
Maya Gallo: Dad, I for one am standing by your decision.
Jack Gallo: Which is why we're doing a special feature on nipple glitter instead.
Dennis Finch: Woo-hoo!
Dennis Finch: They're bright and sparkly, I touch them in the darkly. Everybody!
Dennis Finch: Classic Finch. It's good stuff.

Dennis Finch: Listen up, people! Jack is too old and wealthy to see people individually.

Maya Gallo: I don't know what to say.
Nina Van Horn: Well, I do! Your whole life has been a lie. I mean, who are you, really? You could be an old black woman, and we'd never know. But here's a few things we do know. One: I look great all the time; Two: Maya will die alone; and Three: you have completely freaked us out!
Dennis Finch: You all feel this way?
Maya Gallo: Except for the part about me dying alone.

Betsy Frayne: You know, if you ever want to have sex with me, the door's always open.
Dennis Finch: What?
Betsy Frayne: And some of the windows, too.

Dennis Finch: From now on, no more Finchines. I'm dropping everything. Whoo! Yes, this is nice.
Irish Bartender: [with accent] Can I draw ya another pint?
Dennis Finch: [imitating accent] Yes, I would like another pint.
Irish Bartender: Is this some kind of joke?
Dennis Finch: I don't know what you're talking about.
Irish Bartender: Are you making fun of me, boy-o?
Dennis Finch: No, I'm not, I just want me pint!
Irish Bartender: Quit talking like me!
Dennis Finch: What are you talking about... Oh, sweet mother Mary!
Irish Bartender: Stop it right now!
Dennis Finch: I'm tryin', McRyan, I'm tryin'!
Irish Bartender: [Grabs Dennis] I've had enough of you!
Dennis Finch: Help me, O'Sullivan!

"Just Shoot Me!: Christmas? Christmas! (#6.9)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: How about if I say a word, and you say the first word that pops into your head?
Nina Van Horn: I hate this game! They used to make me play it at the sanitarium.

Dennis Finch: Here he is, the Kringle with the jingle, the guy in the sleigh who gives stuff away, the jolly dude from zero latitude, I believe you know who I'm talking about... the one, the only, Santa!

Dennis Finch: You have to help me write this. We could make a ton of money.
Nina Van Horn: Oh, I don't know, Finch. I'm not a musician, I only sleep with them.

Dennis Finch: White.
Nina Van Horn: Snow.
Dennis Finch: Christmas.
Nina Van Horn: Santa.
Dennis Finch: Elf.
Nina Van Horn: Finch.
Dennis Finch: Ouch.
Nina Van Horn: Weakling.
Dennis Finch: Old.
Nina Van Horn: Hey!
Dennis Finch: Has-been.
Nina Van Horn: Leaving!
Dennis Finch: Passé.
Nina Van Horn: Vodka!
Maya Gallo: Finch!
Dennis Finch: Boobs.

Nina Van Horn: Will you stop that humming, please? You sound like a faulty vibrator.
Dennis Finch: I'm writing a Christmas song. Between you and me, I think I found a way to turn this sleepy little holiday into a big time money maker.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Book of Jack (#6.18)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: Ooh, nudie cards. Boy, the women here are enormous.
Jack Gallo: Back then that was considered a good thing. Now we know better.
Dennis Finch: [taking the cards] Oo-la-la! Looks like D. Finch is playing a little Solitaire tonight.

Elliot DiMauro: Sounds like you have quite a week planned.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. For lunch, I'm having pancakes. That's right. Jack hates people who eat breakfast food for lunch.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, did you remember to pack my scuba mask? I want to be able to see my bare feet underwater. It makes them look gigantic.
Dennis Finch: Be sure to wear these underwater socks.
Jack Gallo: But...
Dennis Finch: Hey! There's coral, there's jellyfish, there's sharp things that are... pointy.

Jack Gallo: That's not writing, not like that, on a computer. This is the way to write, on the old typewriter. Idea to finger, finger to key, key to word.
Dennis Finch: Pretty much the same deal over here.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Haves and the Have-Mores (#6.8)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: I can't give you any more points, but I can give you this. Tonight, when I get home, I will open my secret employee ledger and next to your name, I'm putting... five gold stars.
Dennis Finch: Why you cheap bastard. You give me ten gold stars.
Jack Gallo: Seven.
Dennis Finch: Nine.
Jack Gallo: Eight.
Dennis Finch: Done!

Nina Van Horn: Let me explain to you the inner workings of Kevin: Kevin is like a big, fleshy clock, full of wheels and cogs and-and springs. But when one of those springs pops... Bam! Sproing! Madness!
Dennis Finch: Let me explain to you the inner workings of Nina: Psssh! Glug, glug, glug, glug...

Dennis Finch: What do you think of me in a helicopter?
Elliot DiMauro: I think you'd throw up.
Dennis Finch: Not if I stay on the ground. After all, there are no women in the air.

Dennis Finch: You know what? I bought a ladies' belt.
Nina Van Horn: At least it matches your blouse.

"Just Shoot Me!: Steamed (#3.2)" (1998)
Jack Gallo: He publishes some anti-corporate newsletter. What's it called? The Fink? The Snitch? The Rat?
Maya Gallo: The Whistle Blower!
Jack Gallo: That's it. Imagine taking up that kind of valuable office space just to reach a few whiny malcontents.
Maya Gallo: I subscribe.
Dennis Finch: Subscribe? You're Miss December.

Maya Gallo: You should read The Whistleblower. It's really good.
Jack Gallo: Good? It's not good, it's a bunch of hooey about how big companies exploit workers and waste natural resources.
Dennis Finch: Jack, your driver wants to know if he can stop circling the block.
Jack Gallo: No, I want nice cold air on the way to lunch.

Dennis Finch: What'cha doing?
Maya Gallo: Today's crossword puzzle.
Dennis Finch: Need any help?
Maya Gallo: Are you good at these?
Dennis Finch: I fancy myself a wordsmith.
Maya Gallo: Okay. I need a nine-letter word for hindrance.
Dennis Finch: Um... no idea.
Maya Gallo: Okay. Island in the Aegean Sea, six letters.
Dennis Finch: Aegean... No, sorry.
Maya Gallo: Some wordsmith.
Elliot DiMauro: Breasts, eight letters.
Dennis Finch: Bazongas, balloons, knockers...
Elliot DiMauro: Seven letters, beginning with an H.
Dennis Finch: Hooters, honkers, hi-beams...
Elliot DiMauro: Now in Spanish.
Dennis Finch: Chachas, piñatas, maracas...
Maya Gallo: So you basically spend all your time thinking of synonyms for breasts.
Dennis Finch: I also do bottoms.
Elliot DiMauro: Alphabetically.
Dennis Finch: Ass, booty, caboose, derriere, endzone, fanny, glutey-pops, heinie... Yeah!

Maya Gallo: Me? Why me?
Jack Gallo: Because you've got that certain... you know...
Dennis Finch: Hooters, heaters, mambos...

"Just Shoot Me!: Donnie Redeemed (#7.17)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: Nina, will you put that down? I spent all day buffing my putter.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and cleaning that club.

Dennis Finch: Elliot, you brother's on his way up.
Elliot DiMauro: I don't want to see him. When he comes up, tell him I'm not here.
Dennis Finch: How about I tell him you have a stomach flu and you were sent to the hospital. that way he won't track you down.
Elliot DiMauro: That's great. Thanks.
[Goes into Jack's office; Donnie enters]
Donnie DiMauro: Hey, Finch. Is my brother around?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, he's in there.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, how much have I lost?
Dennis Finch: In terms of what? Credibility? Dignity? Respect?
Jack Gallo: I'm talking about money.
Dennis Finch: Lost a lot of that, too.

Maya Gallo: You know, your life is empty.
Dennis Finch: At least he remembers my birthday.
Maya Gallo: You bastard!
Jack Gallo: Hey, Princess.
Maya Gallo: Too little too late! I wanted a pony!

"Just Shoot Me!: Blind Ambition (#6.15)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, these grades stink. They're C's and D's, and an F that you changed to an E.
Dennis Finch: Hey, I earned that E.

Dennis Finch: It's all too much to take. It's all write this down, and read that, and learn this theorem. What the hell is a theorem? I think I'm in over their head.
Jack Gallo: Well, maybe you shouldn't be taking advanced astrophysics.
Dennis Finch: I wanna be a spaceman.
Jack Gallo: Ancient Greek architecture?
Dennis Finch: I want my spaceships to have columns.

Dennis Finch: I now realize that college is not just a bunch of educational crap. No, it's a star machine, bigger than Hollywood! What's Meg Ryan have that I don't?

Dennis Finch: Elliot, I have one more question for you.
Elliot DiMauro: Shoot.
Dennis Finch: How does it feel when you... Finch attack!
[throws water on Elliot, his assistants tie him to the chair and throw confetti over him]
Dennis Finch: Elliot DiMauro, you have just been Finch Attacked!

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch Chasing Amy (#6.6)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: That's it, time for a Finch attack! Crank it, spank it, smack it on the bing-bong!

Maya Gallo: All I'm saying is that a woman's lack of self-worth can be measured by a yardstick I like to call the bikini.
Dennis Finch: I likes them small so they don't hold in the big.
Maya Gallo: Can you not look at my chest when you say those things?
Dennis Finch: Sure. Just turn around and bend over.

Elliot DiMauro: You know, Finch. I admire your honesty.
Dennis Finch: And I admire your feminine boots.

Maya Gallo: You're fighting over Amy like she were Molly Ringwald or something.
Dennis Finch: You know, there's this section in the video store called New Releases.

"Just Shoot Me!: Evaluate This! (#7.23)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: Check it out, my Planet of the Apes collection is almost complete.
Jack Gallo: You know, I don't get that movie. Are the lady apes supposed to be sexy?
Dennis Finch: I don't think so.
Jack Gallo: Yeah, neither do I.

Jack Gallo: All of the great captains of industry are doing it.
Dennis Finch: Kirk, Kangaroo, Crunch... although technically, Crunch is a Cap'n.

Jack Gallo: [takes Dennis' action figure] Tell me what you really think or Dr. Zaius gets it.
Dennis Finch: Please don't hurt my monkey.

Dennis Finch: He's trying to take away what I love the most: serving him. He's hoping I snap and come crawling back. He's a diabolical genius that one, like Dr. Frankenstein or Katie Couric.

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch in the Dogg House (#6.1)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: You're fired.
Dennis Finch: You can't just fire me. You have to give me some warning.
Jack Gallo: You're right. Look out, you're fired.

Snoop Dogg: I'm going next door to buy a Bentley. I forgot where I parked the last one.
Dennis Finch: All right. Get a receipt this time.

Dennis Finch: I'm going on a world-wide tour, first class everything. Hotels, food, fly women, water parks.
Jack Gallo: Water parks?
Dennis Finch: Snoop and the gang love to beat the heat.
Snoop Dogg: Yeah, the got a slide in Singapore that does a loopity-loop.

Dennis Finch: I hate to be a nag, Snoop, but you're supposed to be on stage in... Whoa, long time ago!

"Just Shoot Me!: Friends and Neighbors (#6.14)" (2002)
Dennis Finch: What are you doing here?
Nina Van Horn: Just reliving some memories.
Dennis Finch: You didn't go to college.
Nina Van Horn: I know, but two years ago I went out with a sophomore at Columbia. He spent all his cash money to buy me this bracelet, but then again, I taught him things you don't learn in school, unless you go to school in Bangkok.

Dennis Finch: Do we have any corn on the cob?
Kevin Liotta: No.
Dennis Finch: Do we have any biscuits left?
Kevin Liotta: We ate them all.
Dennis Finch: Shoot. Looks like we're gonna have to throw chicken at people.
Kevin Liotta: Living together is gonna be great.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. Watch me hit that hooker with a drumstick.

Dennis Finch: I want the whole Felicity experience, only I'm not cutting my hair.

Danny: Who are you?
Dennis Finch: I'm your roommate.
Rob: He looks so old.
Danny: What are you, thirty?
Nina Van Horn: Closer to forty.
Dennis Finch: You want to hang out at the quadrangle, or the newly renovated Driscoll Center?
Danny: I don't think so.
Nina Van Horn: They hate you.
Dennis Finch: They don't hate me.
Rob: You're mom's right. We hate you.

"Just Shoot Me!: Sewer! (#2.11)" (1998)
[Nina comes in with an orangutan]
Dennis Finch: Hey, I've seen this movie - "Every Which Way But Sober."

Nina Van Horn: You may be arranging the party, but I'm going to give him the best present.
Dennis Finch: Oh, you will, will you?
[shows Nina his present to Jack]
Nina Van Horn: Earmuffs?
Dennis Finch: Not just earmuffs. There's a chip in the fur that plays classic routines from comedy duos.
Nina Van Horn: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. He'll love it!

Dennis Finch: Hi. I'm Dennis Finch. I don't know you, but I think you're kinda cute. I would like to have sex with you. Brief, passionate sex followed by an eight-hour nap. The next morning I will brag about you to everyone. Oh, yes, I will brag. So what do you say?
Kimmy: Get away from me, or I'll staple your head to the wall.
Dennis Finch: Okay. Nice talking to you.
[walks over to desk]
Dennis Finch: Lesbian.

Dennis Finch: So whatever happened to the chick with the nice ones?
Jack Gallo: Sheila in accounting.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Gift Piggy (#5.11)" (2001)
Jack Gallo: Hey, is that a tarantula?
Kevin Liotta: She's my pet.
Dennis Finch: That's no pet. A pet is something you can hug and cuddle and dress up like a pirate.
Kevin Liotta: Kinda like you.
Dennis Finch: I outrank you.

Jack Gallo: Ah, yes, the lion. That is Nature's one true killing machine.
Kevin Liotta: What about the shark?
Jack Gallo: Fine. The shark and the lion, nature's two true killing machines.
Dennis Finch: Jack, it's your ex-wife.
Jack Gallo: Three true killing machines.
Dennis Finch: ...and her lawyer.
Jack Gallo: My point is, danger is everywhere.

Dennis Finch: The automobile: pillar of Western civilization. But in the wrong hands, she can be deadly. I am Professor Finch. as in First In Not Causing Harm.

Elliot DiMauro: What are you doing here?
Dennis Finch: This may surprise you, but scraping the seeds off Jack's bagel doesn't complete me.
Elliot DiMauro: Why traffic school?
Dennis Finch: Because I'm good at it, and by the way, it's traffic academy.

"Just Shoot Me!: Rescue Me (#2.23)" (1998)
Tisha: Let's see how far you can roll up that sleeve. Otherwise you'll have to take off your blouse.
Maya Gallo: How's this?
Tisha: Good. Looks like you get to keep your shirt on.
Dennis Finch: [coming out of his hiding place] Boo. I'm outta here. Boring PG-13 blood drive.

Maya Gallo: [notices Finch has put shaving cream around her mouth] What the hell?
Dennis Finch: Oh, Cujo, you can't be our family dog anymore.

Dennis Finch: Hey, dude. That nurse is going to tell you to look at an airplane. There is no airplane.

Dennis Finch: Yeah, well who needs your stupid job anyway?
Jack Gallo: You do, don't you?
Dennis Finch: Yes.

"Just Shoot Me!: Jack's Old Partner (#2.20)" (1998)
Elliot DiMauro: You're getting audited? You should've used my guy. He's a creepy little weasel who knows every loophole and gets a sexual thrill out of cheating the feds.
Nina Van Horn: Who is it?
Dennis Finch: Me.
Nina Van Horn: Are you really that good?
Dennis Finch: Last year the government paid me twenty grand not to grow corn.
Nina Van Horn: You're hired.

Dennis Finch: Jack is stuck writing his memoirs, so he's been banging that ball against the wall for three solid days.
Elliot DiMauro: Sounds irritating.
Dennis Finch: That's nothing. You missed what will forever be known as Banjo Thrusday. Which was immediately followed by Missing Banjo Friday.

Dennis Finch: I believe people shouldn't be judged by numbers on a form, and if you think that you can intimidate this poor woman with your Gestapo - Oh, yeah! - Gestapo scare tactics, then you've obviously never crossed paths with Dennis Finch!
Janet: Finch. That's F-I-N...
Dennis Finch: No, no! Gotta go.

Jack Gallo: [introducing Herb to the staff] ... our assistant Dennis Finch...
Dennis Finch: Our assistant?
Jack Gallo: That's right. Treat Herb the same way you'd treat me.
Dennis Finch: Gotcha. No, sir, those pants don't make your butt look big.

"Just Shoot Me!: Sid & Nina (#5.16)" (2001)
Sid: Oh, my God. Is that Nina Van Horn?
Dennis Finch: About 20%. The rest is an experimental plastic brought to you by NASA.
Sid: Does she work here?
Dennis Finch: Work? Umm... she draws a salary, let's leave it at that.

Dennis Finch: Who rocks the party that rocks the party?

Sid: I can make it worth your while. I know about thirty kids who are having bar mitzvahs in the next year. You could earn a lot of dough-ray-me.
Dennis Finch: Thirty kids, huh? That's enough to buys me a water bed. Maybe a Soloflex. All right, I'll think of something.

Jack Gallo: She's been acting strange lately. I should do something.
Dennis Finch: That would involve talking to her about her day.
Jack Gallo: Ah, she'll be fine. She's a survivor.

"Just Shoot Me!: There's Something About Allison (#7.13)" (2003)
Maya Gallo: So Elliot, are you still coming by tonight to... help me move my couch?
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, but I still have to stop by the drug store to buy some... slip covers.
Maya Gallo: No, you don't need to do that because I have something I can put in my... couch... that does the same thing as... slip covers. So just come over at 8.
Dennis Finch: So, you and Maya are gonna hook up, huh?
Elliot DiMauro: Jeez, Dennis, how do you know that?
Dennis Finch: Please. It's like watching Forrest Gump and Nell plan a booty call.

Burt.Brandi: Hey, assface.
Dennis Finch: You're the assface, assface.
Burt.Brandi: You're the assface astronaut who rode a turd rocket to the third ring of Uranus.
Dennis Finch: Nice!

Nina Van Horn: There's nothing wrong with covering flaws with a little make-up. I do it all the time.
Dennis Finch: That's right. If you chip off a few layers, you can see the hickey that Abe Lincoln gave her.
Nina Van Horn: At least I've had a hickey.
Dennis Finch: I've had hickeys.
Nina Van Horn: Cats don't count.

Dennis Finch: You can do it, get some, snag it, and get up all in there. But make love? That's just offensive.

"Just Shoot Me!: Finch and the Fighter (#5.10)" (2001)
Kelly: This is such a turn off.
Dennis Finch: What?
Kelly: I liked you because you were gentle and sensitive. If I wanted a macho jerk, I would've stayed with Maria.
Dennis Finch: I'm not macho. What are you talking about?
Kelly: You know what? We're through.
Dennis Finch: Wait, come back! I'm a total wimp! I've got a porcelain kitten in my gym bag!

Jack Gallo: This is a real gym, hard core. This is not like those places where you Slim Down with Salsa.
Dennis Finch: It's Tone Up with Tango, and I use ankle weights. These bozos wouldn't last the day.

Jack Gallo: You know, I was quite the boxer.
Dennis Finch: I blew up a tank in the Gulf War.
Jack Gallo: You can't let me have anything, can you?

Dennis Finch: You know, I'm a fan of the ol' fisties game.
Kelly: Who's your favorite fighter?
Dennis Finch: Muhammad Ali.
Kelly: Anyone else?
Dennis Finch: Sugar Ray Super Sugar Crisp?

"Just Shoot Me!: The Walk (#2.14)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: Maybe: Twice as sweet as no, half as good as yes.

Elliot DiMauro: Romance is like a tango.
Dennis Finch: Yesterday you said the stock market was like a tango.
Elliot DiMauro: It is.

Nina Van Horn: Dennis, I need Baxter the intern to run an errand for me.
Dennis Finch: The last time he did that he ended up in a Mexican prison.

Dennis Finch: I know the recipe for romance. One cup of love, two cups of crap and sprinkle on the moxie.
Nina Van Horn: And how does this meal end?
Dennis Finch: Like all good meals: with me satisfied, sleepy and searching for a mint.

"Just Shoot Me!: Watch Your Backdraft (#7.9)" (2003)
Kevin Liotta: Do you hear that voice too?
Dennis Finch: Yeah, that's Jack's new intercom system.
Kevin Liotta: No, I mean the voice of my father mocking me for the way I throw a football. Stop it, daddy!

Kevin Liotta: You're late.
Dennis Finch: I know.
Kevin Liotta: The Lord frowns on that.
Dennis Finch: I know, I read your pamphlet.

Jack Gallo: That Toastman really burns me up. I call him for a little meet-and-greet and he won't answer.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, that's bad.
Jack Gallo: I'll say, it's wack. My TV is stuck on MTV. I am really getting tired of this Toastman guy. That fool be trippin'.

Maya Gallo: You told people I slept with Pete?
Nina Van Horn: No, I didn't.
Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Maya. I heard you and Pete played hooks and ladders at the firehouse.
Maya Gallo: You told Elliot?
Nina Van Horn: Yes, but no one else.
Kevin Liotta: Hey, Maya. Sorry about Pete, but the heart wants what it wants.
Maya Gallo: So this is how you help me, by telling everyone in the office?
Nina Van Horn: Only those who would be discrete and would not misuse your trust.
Dennis Finch: Hey, Maya, I heard you and Toastman had a threeway with Pete. Way to go, Superfreak.

"Just Shoot Me!: Shaking Private Trainer (#3.22)" (1999)
Nina Van Horn: I guarantee you, in no time he'll have you running a six-minute mile.
Dennis Finch: Please. Jack couldn't do a six-minute mile if you pushed him out of an airplane.

Maya Gallo: Can I trust you?
Dennis Finch: As long as you're not drunk or wearing a tube top.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, I want you to throw out every doughnut in the building.
Dennis Finch: What about cinnamon buns?
Jack Gallo: Did I say cinnamon buns?

Dennis Finch: I see what you're trying to do. You're just trying to soak me for ideas. Well, guess what, sister? It ain't gonna happen.
Maya Gallo: Finch, think of all the women you can tell you're a screenwriter.
Dennis Finch: Too late, I already do.
Maya Gallo: When we finish, I'll cook dinner for you in a tube top.
Dennis Finch: Scootch.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Comedy Stylings of Rivers & Red (#7.11)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: Don't worry. I'll do with him like I do with all my employees. I'll crush his spirit until they are incapable of independent thought.
Dennis Finch: You don't do that with us.
Jack Gallo: Yes, I do.
Dennis Finch: You're right.
Jack Gallo: Now, get me a chocolate phone.
Dennis Finch: That's crazy!
Jack Gallo: No, it's not.
Dennis Finch: Yes.

Dennis Finch: Remember when the lumber mill caught fire? I remember you were the first one in there, and you didn't leave until every last man was saved.
Red Finch: What were you doing at the lumber mill?
Dennis Finch: I wasn't looking at porn and lighting bottle rockets, that's for sure.

Nina Van Horn: He's on the bar downstairs.
Dennis Finch: I know that place. It's full of drunken has-beens who think they're famous.
Nina Van Horn: What are you talking about? I go there all the time. I haven't seen anyone like that.

[Dennis tells Jack about his dad "dating" a mannequin]
Jack Gallo: So, this mannequin. Was she hot?
Dennis Finch: Pretty hot.
Jack Gallo: Was she classy or trashy?
Dennis Finch: Bloomingdale's front window.
Jack Gallo: Nice!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Experiment (#2.1)" (1997)
Dennis Finch: Wait, I just remembered something; you're boring, and my legs work.

Jack Gallo: Looks may help on the trivial stuff, but on the important stuff, uh-uh.
Dennis Finch: No, that's when a little thing called nepotism kicks in.

Jack Gallo: Finally, it's finished. I'm done.
Dennis Finch: Jack, a fax just came for you.
Jack Gallo: Look at that, Dennis. With my own two hands, I built something that will give my daughter joy, and no one can take that away from me.
Dennis Finch: Except for the people at the Consumer Safety Commission. Toy's been recalled.
Jack Gallo: Whatever the hell for?
Dennis Finch: Allow me to demonstrate.
Dennis Finch: [picks up a piece from toy] I'm six to eighteen months old. Mmm, tasty, candy-like. I think I'll cram it down my esophagus.

[after finding out Maya slept with Derek]
Elliot DiMauro: So, look who fell off her high horse.
Nina Van Horn: And climbed back up on a stallion.
Elliot DiMauro: Does the word hypocrite mean anything to you?
Dennis Finch: It certainly doesn't mean anything to Derek.

"Just Shoot Me!: Blackjack (#4.18)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: How do I look, Finch?
Dennis Finch: Like a desperate woman hanging on to a youth she can't remember.
Nina Van Horn: [tosses her hair] How about now?
Dennis Finch: Much better.

Dennis Finch: You're letting Elliot be a judge? But you said you were going to make me a judge.
Nina Van Horn: Dear, people say a lot of things when they're lying.

Dennis Finch: I won't eat, drink or sleep until I find out what your plan is.
Tad Gallo: My plan is to start my onw magazine.
Dennis Finch: Guess again, friend. You just rolled the dice, and they came out Finch eyes!

Dennis Finch: What you need to know is that I am an integral part of the organization.
Tad Gallo: How important do you have to be before they give you your own chair, dude?
Dennis Finch: Someone keeps taking it.

"Just Shoot Me!: Maya Judging Amy (#6.5)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: I had no idea finding an assistant was so hard.
Jack Gallo: Be patient. The right one will never let you down. It may even become your best friend.
Maya Gallo: Dad, "it" is standing right there.
Jack Gallo: Oh, right. Sorry.
Dennis Finch: That's all right. "It" just got goosebumps.

Nina Van Horn: I can put an end to this discussion if you agree to hire a man. This man.
[pulls out a photo]
Nina Van Horn: His name is Nacho. He works at my dry cleaners, but he wants to be an actor.
Maya Gallo: [gives photo back] Just let me know when Amy comes in.
Nina Van Horn: Hey, he can lick his own eyebrows!
Dennis Finch: Here, let me see that. Hey, I've seen this dude in a movie. A movie with all dudes.
Nina Van Horn: And why were you watching it?
Dennis Finch: I test myself once a year. I was A-OK.

Dennis Finch: I'd like to be that coffee mug, That way she would have her lips all over me.
Kevin Liotta: I'd like to be that spoon, so that she could pick me up by my ankles and dip me in steaming hot coffee.

Dennis Finch: Are you game, baby? 'Cause I'm gamey, Amy.

"Just Shoot Me!: Strange Bedfellows (#7.24)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: Call me old fashioned, but I don't cry in front of another dude unless it's to get out of a speeding ticket.

Maya Gallo: I think they mean objectifying women and taking them for granted.
Dennis Finch: Chesty has a point.

Dennis Finch: Me and my friends are plenty sensitive. The other day, Kevin fell down two flights of stairs, and it took all my strength not to laugh.
Elliot DiMauro: Is he all right?
Dennis Finch: [laughing] He broke two ribs.

Dennis Finch: You better get going. Those models aren't going to shoot themselves. Not until their late twenties.

"Just Shoot Me!: Hit the Road, Jack (#5.1)" (2000)
Jack Gallo: You two are still here?
Dennis Finch: Um... there was supposed to be a meteor shower.
Jack Gallo: I don't see anything.
Nina Van Horn: It may have been rescheduled.

Nina Van Horn: How could you not be turned on? I mean, come on...
Dennis Finch: It's nice, but it's not for me.
Nina Van Horn: That's insane, I'm for everybody!

Nina Van Horn: You come back here, Dennis Q. Finch! Nobody walks away from Nina Van... Nina Van... Nina Van Nobody! Rejected by a reject. Oh, God, I've hit rock bottom!
Dennis Finch: Then my job is done.
Nina Van Horn: Pardon?
Dennis Finch: I got you. I finally got you! It took me nine years, but I got you! Uh! Uh! Take it, sweetie!
Nina Van Horn: What are you talking about?
Dennis Finch: I'm talking about revenge. I'm talking the sweet juicy nectar...
[mimes biting fruit]
Dennis Finch: ... of revenge

Dennis Finch: [cleaning a keyboard] Oh, semicolon. You're one tough bastard, but I gotcha!

"Just Shoot Me!: Elliott the Geek (#2.10)" (1998)
Dennis: You couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas.

Dennis: Good morning. Hmm, tension in the air. Let me guess: Mr. Love Machine here was going yappity-wappity about getting it on with the ladies. And Mother Superior was all, "What a pig!" And you were all, "But me likie them women." And you were all, "Boo-hoo-hoo! What about our brains?"
Maya: Finch, do you want to get smacked?
Dennis: Kinda. I'm not proud of it.

Jack: People don't respect me because I'm the boss. It's getting respect that's made me the boss.
Dennis: Ah, I see.
[moves away a bottle of scotch]
Dennis: No more for you.

Dennis: [reading from Elliot's yearbook] Captain of the chess club. Ha ha ha!
Maya: I'm surprised you weren't in the marching band.
Dennis: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Were you ever invited to play the Gator Bowl? I didn't think so.

"Just Shoot Me!: Guess Who's Coming to Blush (#7.1)" (2002)
Jack Gallo: Where's the Sweet and Low?
Dennis Finch: [points at crotch] Right here, chief. Just ask the ladies.
Elliot DiMauro: I think he meant the other tiny pink package.

Dennis Finch: Any physical signs?
Elliot DiMauro: She has put on a little weight.
Dennis Finch: Aha! A little junk in the trunk, it's a Finch slam dunk.
[offers a high five; Elliot refuses]
Dennis Finch: No? Too fat for tennis, is time for the Dennis.
Elliot DiMauro: I gotta go.
Dennis Finch: A little blubber, and Dennis buys a rubber. That's three in a row.

Dennis Finch: You're lucky I don't hit women.
Vicki Costa: So are you.
Dennis Finch: I'm petrified and aroused. It's like a Cher concert.

Dennis Finch: All women reach a point when the only thing lower than their self esteem is their standards. And that, my friend, is Finchy time.

"Just Shoot Me!: Prescription for Love (#4.11)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: Poor Maya. Once again you've embarrassed yourself.
[puts feet on table, has on fuzzy slippers]
Maya Gallo: What's with the slippers?
Dennis Finch: Calm down. They're not real fur.

Maya Gallo: There's Elliot's cover girl. Gosh, I bet she's bright. "Hello, I'm a skinny model. Do you like my purse? It's smarter than I am."
Dennis Finch: [funny voice] "Hi there, Finch. Can you give me a spanking?" Wait, what are we playing?

Dennis Finch: I've been between apartments ever since my wife passed away.
Nina Van Horn: She's not dead.
Dennis Finch: It's a coping strategy, my doctor said it's fine!

Nina Van Horn: You know, I'm going to treat you differently from now on.
Dennis Finch: Me too.
Nina Van Horn: Except during the day, when I'll continue to make fun of your puny physique and how you never get any sex.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. And don't expect me to ease up on the jokes on your sluttiness and, you know, glug-glug-glug.

"Just Shoot Me!: Hot Nights in Paris (#4.20)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: So, did she mention a guy named Dennis Finch?
Gwen: Yeah. She said that he's a conniving little perv.
Dennis Finch: That guy makes me so mad!

Dennis Finch: Is Maya's apartment rent controlled?
Nina Van Horn: I think so.
Dennis Finch: [pushes fingertips together] Interesting.
Nina Van Horn: Are you planning something devious?
Dennis Finch: Of course. Why else would I be doing this?

Dennis Finch: Oh, my God, I did it. I am the savior of the House of Finch! I am the Savior of the House of Finch! I am the King of the Finchiest House of Finch that ever there was!
Gwen: You're Dennis Finch?
Dennis Finch: Uh... I love you?
Gwen: Really?
Dennis Finch: Come 'ere, baby!

Maya Gallo: Sorry I'm late. Did I miss the meeting?
Dennis Finch: Yes, but don't worry, I covered for you. I was all, "No! I disagree! Dad!"

"Just Shoot Me!: The Emperor (#2.22)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: How am I gonna pass for Nina?
Dennis Finch: Eat nothing, drink everything, wake up in the coatroom.

Maya Gallo: It's not fair. How come we don't get to go to any of these industry parties?
Dennis Finch: Speak for yourself, nerd.
Maya Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: Come hither and take a gander at my clippings. Here's me at a little music party called the Grammys. Here's me at the Bring in the Noise Kwanzaa party.
Maya Gallo: Wait a minute. You're not in any of these pictures.
Dennis Finch: Yes, I am. Here's the tip of my hat. Here's my elbow. See that expression on Barbra Streisand's face? That was when I asked James Brolin to take a look at my transmission.

Maya Gallo: [Dennis has exited the limo and helps her out. She is surprised by the very enthusiastic reaction, not realizing that everyone can see her breasts, which are pixilated out] . Wow, they must really like the dress.
Dennis Finch: Of course they do, it's totally see-through.
Maya Gallo: [Covering herself with her arms] Oh my God, the lights.
Oskar Milos: [Walks by to gloat in his revenge for Maya having dismissed his work by saying, "The emperor has no clothes."] Now, who has, no clothes?

"Just Shoot Me!: The Boys in the Band (#6.22)" (2002)
Dennis Finch: [wearing a funny hat] Rock and Roll!
Nina Van Horn: What is wrong with you?
Dennis Finch: Kevin and I are putting together a band, and I'm working on my stage persona. What do you think? With the hat, or without the hat?
Nina Van Horn: That depends. Are you planning to sleep with girls or have tea with a rabbit?
Dennis Finch: I'll take whatever. Rock and roll!

Dennis Finch: We're playing a gig tonight. Want to come?
Nina Van Horn: This night? I'd love to come, but... I don't want to.

Dennis Finch: I'm not prancing around like Mick Jagger! I'm Gene Simmons! I'm the Demon!

"Just Shoot Me!: Educating Finch (#6.17)" (2002)
Kevin Liotta: In what year did the Spanish-American War began?
Dennis Finch: Wait a minute. That's a trick question. Spain would never mess with us. We'd kick their asses. Am I right, dude?

Jack Gallo: Let me ask you this. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Dennis Finch: Standing out there.
Jack Gallo: Twenty years?
Dennis Finch: Out there.
Jack Gallo: Thirty years? Forty years? Fifty years?
Dennis Finch: Out there, out there, buried next to you in the Gallo family tomb.

Jack Gallo: Why am I spending all this money on your college education? I thought you were going to buckle down and study for this exam.
Dennis Finch: I'm trying! But when I study, it's like I'm teaching myself - and I'm an idiot. I'm being taught by an idiot.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina's Birthday (#1.4)" (1997)
Dennis Finch: I think what the gang is trying to say is that if you were a musical instrument, you would be the snoozeolin.

Maya: Finch, the copier's not working.
Dennis: Maybe the dark cloud over your head shorted it out.

Maya: What are you guys doing?
Dennis Finch: We're pointing out women we'd like to sleep with.
Elliot: Oh, I thought we were pointing out women we already slept with.
Dennis Finch: I don't wanna play anymore.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Impossible Dream (#6.7)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: Elliot, come here, there's something I want you to hear.
Elliot DiMauro: Yeah?
Dennis Finch: [sing-song] Someone had sex with A-my / Lots of sex with A-my / Dirty, crazy, monkey, funky, all night sex with A-my!

Amy Watson: You really know how to challenge a French chef.
Dennis Finch: Hey, when I wants a PB&J, I has to have me a PB&J.

Dennis Finch: I touched her soul, you know her heinie is just around the corner.

"Just Shoot Me!: Pictures of Lily (#7.10)" (2003)
Lily Barton: I get it, you memorized an article I did for a magazine 30 years ago.
Dennis Finch: You got me.
Lily Barton: Let me guess... you live alone, you're into sci-fi, and you like cats.
Dennis Finch: See? I know you, you know me...

Jack Gallo: Simon told me that Nina snores.
Nina Van Horn: Simon is telling things about me? I don't think I like that.
Jack Gallo: He says she's louder than a concert at Wembley.
Dennis Finch: Only much easier to get into.

Bob: Sorry, but she deserves to be with a real man.
Dennis Finch: No, she doesn't, she deserves to be with me.

"Just Shoot Me!: Funny Girl (#3.4)" (1998)
Maya Gallo: No hard feelings. Peanut brittle?
Dennis Finch: Oh, I wonder what will happen when I open it?
[opens can]
Dennis Finch: It's peanut brittle.
Elliot DiMauro: I don't get it.
Maya Gallo: [laughing] Check the expiration date.

Maya Gallo: So what do you think of me now?
Dennis Finch: Same as before. Body, ten. Personality, four.
Maya Gallo: Four?
Dennis Finch: Now you're a three.
[Maya pinches Dennis on the nipple]
Dennis Finch: Ooh, eight!

Elliot DiMauro: No offense, Maya, but women are nurturers, not jokers.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. Helen Reddy's famous song wasn't "I Am Funny."

"Just Shoot Me!: Where's Poppa? (#5.17)" (2001)
Maya Gallo: Do we really have to go?
Jack Gallo: Of course you do. Sam Lazary was Blush Magazine's first investor, and a prince among men.
Maya Gallo: Then why aren't you going?
Jack Gallo: I don't do well at these things. I tend to get all blubbery, then I drink a lot, and say angry things to the valet.
Dennis Finch: I'm Jack Gallo! Who stunk up my car? I want names!
[Jack glares at him]
Dennis Finch: Dude, I'm on your side.

Elliot DiMauro: Dennis, what is this in my Diane Arbus book?
Nina Van Horn: It appears to be a drawing of Woody Woodpecker with an erection.
Dennis Finch: I love that you got it.
Elliot DiMauro: This was a gift from my mother, and you doodled all over it!
Dennis Finch: Hey, I was on the phone. I had to do something with my hands.
[flips pages]
Dennis Finch: He's dancing!
Nina Van Horn: It's like a naughty little movie.

Dennis Finch: You think I like this arrangement? You think I like mooching off my friends? You think I want this to last forever?
Dennis Finch: I do want it to last forever.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Assistant (#2.2)" (1997)
Nina Van Horn: Do you know why I am so happy today?
Dennis Finch: Because, according to the Aztec calendar, you're still sixteen?

Dennis Finch: So you're going to match wits against an angry feminist and an intellectual? Nina, have you learned nothing from that massacre on Celebrity Jeopardy?
Elliot DiMauro: Only that the Daily Double isn't two shots of vodka.

Nina Van Horn: I have something in my purse for a headache.
Dennis Finch: That's what you told Elvis.

"Just Shoot Me!: Donnie Returns (#5.4)" (2000)
Nina Van Horn: Why did I just tell you all that?
Dennis Finch: I say nothing, you confess. A little Jedi mind trick I picked up along the way.
Nina Van Horn: How long must I be punished for never having been to Japan?

Donnie: Dennis, when are you gonna stop hiding from behind your desk and come join me in the brotherhood of salesmen?
Dennis Finch: I don't know. Would I have to wear the coonskin cap?

Jack Gallo: Dennis, who's the one I always forget?
Dennis Finch: Sneezy.
Jack Gallo: Yes!

"Just Shoot Me!: Blinded by the Right (#4.19)" (2000)
Wanda: I'm afraid there is nothing more I can teach you.
Dennis Finch: But it's been only one day.
Wanda: A day I will never forget.

Dennis Finch: I happen to have lighting fast reflexes.
Elliot DiMauro: Really?
Dennis Finch: Try to take these keys out of my...
[Elliot takes keys]
Dennis Finch: I didn't say go!

Dennis Finch: I'll be your bodyguard.
[all laugh]
Dennis Finch: I'm serious. There are bodyguard schools.
[laugh some more]
Jack Gallo: See, he starts a joke, then he builds on it.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. See what I did there? Pretty sweet.
Elliot DiMauro: How about this? Let me be your bodyguard!
Jack Gallo: See, it's funny when Dennis does it 'cause he's scrawny.
Elliot DiMauro: But I said it with a funny voice.
Maya Gallo: Honey, let it go.

"Just Shoot Me!: Old Boyfriends (#2.3)" (1997)
Maya Gallo: That was not what it looked like.
Dennis Finch: Good, 'cause it looked like you were making out with your grandpa.

Dennis Finch: Let's try a little word association. Here goes. Boring.
Jack Gallo: Mundane.
Dennis Finch: Endless.
Jack Gallo: Eternal.
Dennis Finch: Outside-of-job responsibilities.
Jack Gallo: Fired.

Jack Gallo: What did you find out?
Dennis Finch: Well, I found out that you can rent out a Malaysian hooker for $60 an hour. $50 if you make her laugh.
Jack Gallo: No, about Maya's boyfriend.
Dennis Finch: Oh, that's why I logged on.

"Just Shoot Me!: Blush Gets Some Therapy (#6.19)" (2002)
Nina Van Horn: How about this? Your feet will float on the street...
Maya Gallo: You've pitched that same thing to Calvin Klein.
Nina Van Horn: At least I'm plugging away, which is more than can be said of those hedgerows you call eyebrows.
Jack Gallo: That's enough.
Maya Gallo: Well, at least I'm not thin and tall. Wait a minute...
Dennis Finch: Call her a drunken skeleton. It's a classic for a reason.
Nina Van Horn: Shut up, you little pygmy.
Dennis Finch: Pygmies are great warriors, so thanks for the compliment, complimenter.

Dennis Finch: Holy crap! There are cameras on the elevators? Are they on all the time? Even at night?
Nina Van Horn: Relax. We all know what you do in there.

Dr. Drake Kelson: I want to do an exercise. We're going to be a car. Dennis, you make revving noises; Maya, you go put-put; Elliot, you make screeching noises; and Nina, you be the horn. Ready? We're a car, now!
[they make the noises]
Dr. Drake Kelson: Stop! That was horrible. Why? Because you're not working together. Because you're not communicating.
Elliot DiMauro: [raises hand] How can we communicate better?
Dennis Finch: After that, can we figure out how to remove his lips from your ass?

"Just Shoot Me!: That Burning Passion (#7.6)" (2002)
Elliot DiMauro: [as Dennis puts a donut in Jack's diet food] What are you doing?
Dennis Finch: Fortifying his diet with a little vitamin Finch.
Elliot DiMauro: Jack's not going to believe that donut is diet.
Dennis Finch: That's where you're wrong, my friend. People will believe anything, no matter how cuckoo it is, as long as it's what they want to believe.
Elliot DiMauro: Like how we got you to believe that the white Miata was a cool guy car?
Dennis Finch: Doesn't matter. Traded it in for a sweet Cabriolet.

Dennis Finch: Nina, your rock star boyfriend is on his way up to see you.
Nina Van Horn: Ah, Simon. That man makes me feel like a schoolgirl.
Dennis Finch: Well, I don't see you naked and a satisfied school band.
Nina Van Horn: Said the man who went to the junior prom with the lunch lady.
Dennis Finch: Bertha Robinson was a handsome older woman. And she made a dynamite sloppy joe.

Elliot DiMauro: You are such a loser.
Dennis Finch: Elle McPherson called you.
Elliot DiMauro: Oh, my God! I forgot to feed her goldfish!

"Just Shoot Me!: Maya's Nude Photos (#3.19)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: Did someone just say nude?
Maya Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: I definitely heard the word nude.
Elliot DiMauro: From the other side of the office?
Dennis Finch: It's kind of a gift.
[cocks his ear]
Dennis Finch: G-string. Gotta go.

Nina Van Horn: Finch, have you seen my worthless assistant?
Dennis Finch: You mean Sucko the Magnificent? He's with Jack.
Nina Van Horn: Still?
Dennis Finch: Yes, and I'll slit my throat if I hear one more "Ta-da!" followed by "Ha!"

Dennis Finch: I think you're jealous of little Maya, of her vision, of her talent. Because maybe, just maybe, she's becoming the artist you wish you could be.
Maya Gallo: You're not seeing the pictures.
Dennis Finch: Please!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Burning House (#6.20)" (2002)
Dennis Finch: At least I think I got this house thing figured out.
Kevin Liotta: Sorry, Finch. My mom says we can't burn her house.
Dennis Finch: What? Did you tell her we were going to put it out right away?
Kevin Liotta: Yeah.
Dennis Finch: Did you tell her we were going to give her an executive producer credit?
Kevin Liotta: Yeah. Sorry.
Dennis Finch: Dammit! Nothing is coming out right!
Kevin Liotta: She also said the script was derivative and confusing.

Maya Gallo: George Lucas had trouble with his first film, too.
Dennis Finch: No!
Maya Gallo: He was throwing up every day while filming American Graffiti.
Maya Gallo: [on camera interview] George Lucas didn't really throw up, but I know Dennis does when he gets nervous or excited, and I thought he would relate to that.
Dennis Finch: I'm going ahead with this movie, and every day I'm going to think of George Lucas, and throw up.

Dennis Finch: Is the world going to end? Yes, but not because of this. So I guess it's a race between me and the world. Hey, world! I hope you got your running shoes on.

"Just Shoot Me!: Erlene and Boo (#5.18)" (2001)
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: Excuse me? I'm looking for Nina Van Horn? I'm her sister Erlene.
Dennis Finch: Well, well, well. You must be dusty from your travels. May I give you a sponge bath? I'm 70% kidding.

Jack Gallo: Yesterday, during my announcement, someone booed me. That stung. And I have one thing to say to that booer: thank you. Thank you for making me realize that I was out of touch with you and your needs. So henceforth, that door is always open.
Dennis Finch: Wow, I think that was the wisest, most mature thing you have ever done.
Jack Gallo: And so the trap is set.
Dennis Finch: What?
Jack Gallo: I did that to put the booer at ease, and now he's going to come to me. And when he does, that's when I'll have him.
Dennis Finch: Should I book you a cell with the Riddler and the Penguin?

Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: [in bed with Dennis] That was incredible. I thought I was a woman before, but after that, I don't think any man can compare with... compare with... I'm sorry, can we cut?
Dennis Finch: What's the matter, baby?
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: Can anyone buy this? I mean, look at me... look at him.
Dennis Finch: Hey!
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: No offence.
Dennis Finch: None taken. But you were into it. A guy can tell.
Maya Gallo: I'm really sorry about this. He's been paying off the writers to put him in these kind of scenes. Earlier in the season he was with two lesbian boxers.
Erlene Noodleman, Nina's Sister: I don't really watch the show.
Maya Gallo: And there was this episode where I was in a baby doll...
[They walk away, leaving Dennis alone]
Dennis Finch: Yeah, and that's the way it's gonna stay! Can somebody hand me my pants?

"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Her Parents (#4.21)" (2000)
Elliot DiMauro: How could you not know? Didn't you take gym in high school?
Dennis Finch: I was excused because I have brittle bones.
Jack Gallo: So you've never compared yourself to other men?
Dennis Finch: No. That is, only guys in porno movies. I just thought I was a little bigger than average.
Elliot DiMauro: You son of a bitch.

Dennis Finch: Pumping iron is hard.
Elliot DiMauro: Yes, it is.
Dennis Finch: Yeah. How long do you think until you can put weights on the bar?
Elliot DiMauro: When you are able to lift your gym bag with one arm.

Dennis Finch: Well, well. We meet again. Say, why don't we hit the town later?
Woman: I have plans.
Dennis Finch: Well, you might wanna change them.
Woman: Why's that?
Dennis Finch: Let's just say I put my pants on three legs at a time.
Woman: Excuse me?
Dennis Finch: I mean, why settle for an ukelele when you can play the cello?
Woman: Are you having some sort of breakdown?
Dennis Finch: You're right, I'm sorry. I must not be thinking straight. Maybe it's because not enough blood is getting to my brain because it's all rushing to my ridiculously large penis.

"Just Shoot Me!: Sugar Momma (#5.20)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: You know, it's a long way...
Jack Gallo: I'm not giving you a scooter.
Dennis Finch: But if you give me a scooter, you can call me Scooter.
Jack Gallo: Better yet, why don't I call you Nickels?
[Gives him a handful of nickels]
Dennis Finch: I'm sick of it already.

Maya Gallo: I can't believe you're still in that sick relationship.
Dennis Finch: It's not sick.
Maya Gallo: You have sex for toys!
Dennis Finch: It's much more than that now. Now it's trips and dinners.

Allison Spencer: Is this about the G-string?
Dennis Finch: No, but you were right. I was wearing it backwards.

"Just Shoot Me!: Halloween? Halloween! (#7.4)" (2002)
Dennis Finch: Robin Hood is here to rob from the rich and give to the bitch.

Jack Gallo: Nice leotard.
Dennis Finch: It's a medieval hunting outfit. Nice muu-muu.
Jack Gallo: It's a magical shroud of mischief.
Dennis Finch: Rented?
Jack Gallo: Bought.
Dennis Finch: Rich bastard.
Jack Gallo: What?
Dennis Finch: Nothing.

Dennis Finch: I'm Peter Pan! Look at me, I'm flying! I'm Sandy Duncan, I'm eating Wheat Thins, I have no depth perception!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Kiss (#2.18)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: So this was a test? You put Nina up to it?
Jack Gallo: What choice did I have?
Dennis Finch: Not putting her up to it?

Nina Van Horn: Tonight Binnie and I are going out, but we will spend the entire evening avoiding alcohol and men.
Dennis Finch: That's great. Okay, I'll start the pool. Ten bucks a square. I say Nina is legally drunk and dancing with Euro-trash by 8:30.
Elliot DiMauro: Put me down for 7:15.
Jack Gallo: Moving on... 9:20.
Maya Gallo: Come on, you guys. Give Nina a little credit. 10:45.

Nina Van Horn: I'm staying home tonight. I'm going to read a book.
Dennis Finch: I don't want to spoil it for you, but Waldo is in the upper left hand corner.
Nina Van Horn: I mean it. I'm going to draw a bath. I got bubble bath, and later I'll be dropping by the shelter to pick up a cat.
Dennis Finch: Aw, poor tabby, minutes away from a humane death.

"Just Shoot Me!: Eve of Destruction (#2.24)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: What's up, chief?
Jack Gallo: Not much, except that acording to this heart monitor, I'm clinically dead.
Dennis Finch: Let me be the first to say, you were a great, great man, and dibs on your wife.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, hide this painting. Put it somewhere where no one ever goes.
Dennis Finch: Gotcha. I'll put it in Maya's bedroom.

Bill Slatton: I know what makes you tick, Dennis Finch.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, right.
Bill Slatton: I know you live in a world of fear. I know you stay awake at night, and as you stare at the darkness you know exactly what it feels like to be dead.
[after a pause, Dennis runs away crying]

"Just Shoot Me!: An Axe to Grind (#4.7)" (1999)
Dennis Finch: If my marriage was so shattered, why am I still wearing my wedding ring... and hers?

Elliot DiMauro: I don't mind, I have a million things to do.
Dennis Finch: Elliot, a sheep just pooped in your beret.
Elliot DiMauro: A million and one.
Dennis Finch: On the bright side, we found your class ring.

Jack Gallo: Promoting my autobiography is top priority.
Dennis Finch: What about finishing your autobiography?
Jack Gallo: Shouldn't I be asking you that question?
Dennis Finch: Come on. It's hard to construct a timeline that makes you under fifty.

"Just Shoot Me!: With Thee I Swing (#4.17)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: Do you ever thought about getting out, Ethan? Being regular people?
Ethan: I don't know. Assisting a regular person?
Dennis Finch: No, I mean not being an assistant at all.
Ethan: You mean being a butler?
Dennis Finch: Forget it.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, what if I go down to your bar and personally apologize?
Dennis Finch: Won't make any difference.
Jack Gallo: What if I told them I forced you to break your code?
Dennis Finch: They'll still hate me.
Jack Gallo: What if I gave each of them a thousand dollars?
Assistants: [cut to Finch being hoisted up by the other assistants] For he's a jolly good fellow / For he's a jolly good fellow / For he's a jolly good fellow / Who didn't break the code!

Nina Van Horn: What's the matter with you?
Dennis Finch: Hangover. The sea breeze is a demanding mistress.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Goodbye Girl (#7.16)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: All I need is your social security card and your mother's maiden name.
Elliot DiMauro: Here. My mother's maiden name is DiMauro.
Dennis Finch: Wait, her married name is DiMauro.
Elliot DiMauro: I know... What? A lot of people marry their second cousins.
Dennis Finch: Uh-huh. That would explain that freakish head of yours.

Nina Van Horn: I just came from the hairdresser. How does it look?
Dennis Finch: I didn't know the Westminster Show was in town.
Nina Van Horn: Little tip, never tell describe your hairdresser's new pants with the words "very fat".

Elliot DiMauro: You dirty little blackmailer.
Dennis Finch: Blackmailer is such a dirty word. I prefer The Devil.

"Just Shoot Me!: Love Is in the Air (#4.9)" (1999)
Elliot DiMauro: What, you mean you want us to pretend that Jack's here and drive Nina crazy... oh, you are delightfully evil.
Dennis Finch: Yes. Won't you join me?

Elliot DiMauro: Don't you think we're being too mean?
Dennis Finch: Too mean? That's like saying the internet has too much porno. It doesn't.

Elliot DiMauro: [pretending Jack is in his office, angry] He only ate half his donut.
Nina Van Horn: But Jack always finishes his donut. Maybe it's his second one.
Dennis Finch: The point is, he put one down.

"Just Shoot Me!: Back Issues (#1.1)" (1997)
Dennis Finch: Did a Cindy Crawford call? Tell Crawdaddy that I'm swamped today, and dinner is looking iffy.
Receptionist: What if the governor calls?
Dennis Finch: Tell him I'm busy.
Receptionist: How about Spider-Man?

Maya Gallo: Hi, I'm Maya.
Dennis Finch: Well, bye-ya.
Maya Gallo: I'm here to see Jack Gallo.
Dennis Finch: And I'm here to make sure you don't. You should have called for an appointment so I could reject you over the phone. That way you wouldn't have to get all gussied up.

"Just Shoot Me!: A Beautiful Mind (#6.16)" (2002)
[upon receiving a gift of a fish tank containing an exotic fish from Jack]
Kevin Liotta: Oh, wow. I'm gonna name my new fish Jack Gallo.
Dennis Finch: I'll give you twenty bucks if you eat him.
Kevin Liotta: [opening lid on tank] C'mere you little bastard.

Dennis Finch: I know what this is about. You want to watch Kevin eat garbage.
Jack Gallo: No, I don't.
Dennis Finch: The circus is in town, and Big Daddy wants to peek under the tent.
Jack Gallo: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dennis Finch: You needs it, you wants it, and you gotsa, gotsa haves it!

"Just Shoot Me!: Paradise by the Dashboard Light (#4.14)" (2000)
Maya Gallo: I promise I will get you something amazing.
Dennis Finch: Yes, you will. You will go to a dark shop at Rue de St. Jacques at Marseilles. You will give this note to a man named Bobo. He will give you a package. You will not open it, you will not get it wet.
Maya Gallo: Couldn't I just get you some cheese?
Dennis Finch: Oh, it is cheese. It's amazing.

Dennis Finch: Question one: You take Maya to a restaurant. The waiter accidentally spills wine on her blouse. What do you do?
Carl: Apologize for choosing the restaurant, then spill wine on myself as a show of unity.
Dennis Finch: Question two: You take Maya to a play, but once you get there, you discover there is nudity, but it's tastefully done, story related. What do you do?
Carl: Apologize for choosing the play, if she decides to stay, I use my body language to make it clear to her that I'm in no way aroused.
Dennis Finch: What's your favorite Sondheim musical?
Carl: I'm going to surprise you. Passions.
Dennis Finch: Okay, we're done here.
Carl: Can I rethink my answer to the first question?
Dennis Finch: No.

"Just Shoot Me!: College or Collagen (#2.16)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: Nina, I formally apologize for ruining our company photo by copying your bottom.
Nina Van Horn: And?
Dennis Finch: And for yelling "Who wants mangos, two for a buck?"
Nina Van Horn: And?
Dennis Finch: And for what I have planned for tomorrow.
Nina Van Horn: Well, as long as you've learned your lesson.

Jack Gallo: You play bridge?
Dennis Finch: I worked a summer at a retirement home. Why do you think my apartment is covered in afgans?

"Just Shoot Me!: Son of a Preacher Man (#7.19)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: First order of business is choosing a color for the seventh floor hallway. Will it be tasteful, dignified Gold, or that bastard son of beige, Wheat?

Elliot DiMauro: This isn't about parking spaces, Jack. It's about respect.
Jack Gallo: I can get you that. Dennis!
Dennis Finch: Now?
Jack Gallo: Now.
Dennis Finch: [Reading off cards] Have you been working out? You look great.
Jack Gallo: He's willing to say that in front of people.

"Just Shoot Me!: Nina Van Grandma (#6.11)" (2002)
Tess: You publish this magazine?
Dennis Finch: When I'm not jumping my motorcycle over shark tanks.
[makes motorcycle noises]
Tess: You're dangerous. I like that.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, well, sometimes I dump a bucket of poison over my head just for laughs. Whatever.

Dennis Finch: Maybe later I'll show you the somerpepper. It's like the somersault, but... you'll see.

"Just Shoot Me!: Maya Stops Thinking (#5.21)" (2001)
Elliot DiMauro: Did you ever have something happen to you that you knew was life changing?
Dennis Finch: Umm... when I was six, I walked in on my grandma taking a shower.
Elliot DiMauro: I meant something positive.
Dennis Finch: That was positive. It taught me to knock.

Elliot DiMauro: Why are you tormenting me?
Dennis Finch: To prove to you that good never wins, evil wins.
Elliot DiMauro: That's not true!
Dennis Finch: Join us.
Elliot DiMauro: Never!
Dennis Finch: [makes devil horns] I'll make you immortal. Give you a fiddle of gold. Yes. Yes! Join the team!

"Just Shoot Me!: A Simple Kiss of Fate (#7.15)" (2003)
Jack Gallo: Dennis, put my will in the safe. It is not to be opened under any circumstances. If you are at gunpoint, I expect you to die before anyone reads it.
Dennis Finch: Yes, sir. My word is my bond.
[as soon as Jack leaves, Dennis opens the will and reads it]
Dennis Finch: What? Maya gets his frozen head? I made all those wigs for nothing?

Dennis Finch: Ever since I read Jack's will, I've been having dreams about killing him.
Elliot DiMauro: It's just a dream. I dream about killing you all the time. Don't worry about it. It's no big deal.

"Just Shoot Me!: Rivals in Romance (#7.14)" (2003)
Bridget: Do you ever have the murder fantasy?
Dennis Finch: Constantly. How does yours die?
Bridget: I throw him off a roller coaster. Yours?
Dennis Finch: I strangle him with his own vest.

Bridget: You don't make love like an assistant. You make love like a middle manager.
Dennis Finch: And you scream like a comptroler.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Two Faces of Finch: Part 2 (#6.3)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: Having sex with her would be like having sex with myself. I already have a guy to do that, and I don't even have to buy him dinner first. He-hey, woo!
[offers a high-five]
Elliot DiMauro: See? That right there, and this - He-hey, woo! - most women see that and - how can I put it? - run away, fast.
Dennis Finch: But not fast enough. He-hey! Woo!

Dennis Finch: Dude, what were you thinking?
Betsy Frayne: What do you mean? A threesome is the ultimate.
Dennis Finch: Yeah, when it's two girls and a guy. Your way is just weird.

"Just Shoot Me!: The Talented Mr. Finch (#7.12)" (2003)
Nina Van Horn: If you want your video to play on MTV, you need some hot girls.
Simon Leeds: I don't want any woman in my video unless it's you.
Dennis Finch: You want this to air on MTV or the History Channel?

Dennis Finch: So, Norway. You guys really rolled over for the Nazis, didn't you?

"Just Shoot Me!: War & Sleaze (#2.25)" (1998)
Dennis Finch: You're not still mad about paintball, are you?
Jack Gallo: You shot me three seconds into the war!

"Just Shoot Me!: The Auction (#5.14)" (2001)
Dennis Finch: The bad news is, you still give her the creeps.
Kevin Liotta: What's the good news?
Dennis Finch: [after a pause, answers phone] Jack Gallo's office.
Kevin Liotta: That didn't even ring.

"Just Shoot Me!: A&E Biography: Nina Van Horn (#4.23)" (2000)
Harry Smith: But Claire's father was a strict Methodist, and did not approve of her daughter going to the big city with a stranger. So Nina had to wait... until she was fourteen.
Nina Van Horn: I told my father I was going to the creek to help the minister with a baptism. Then I hopped a train east.
Harry Smith: Unfortunately, the train she hopped was headed west, and Claire ended up in Reno, and had her first taste of show business.
Dennis Finch: She was working at a traveling carnival operating the Tilt-A-Whirl, until somebody noticed she had eleven toes, so she started doing two shows a night in the big tent. That made her happy, I think.
Harry Smith: Tired of low pay, and the sexual advances of the Great Honko, Claire eventually found the right train and wound up in the Big Apple, and the glamorous world of modeling.

"Just Shoot Me!: When Nina Met Elliott's Mother (#4.12)" (2000)
Dennis Finch: Those of you who took the time to know Spartacus knew that he was more than just an award-winning pure breed. But most of you never took the time, did you?

"Just Shoot Me!: For the Last Time, I Do (#7.21)" (2003)
Dennis Finch: Come on, padre. Let's get you suited up.
Minister #2: I'm not Catholic.
Dennis Finch: No one cares.

"Just Shoot Me!: At Long Last Allie (#5.22)" (2001)
Allie, Maya's stepmother and former classmate: I know this whole situation is ookie for everyone, but we used to be friends.
Dennis Finch: I don't remember.
Allie, Maya's stepmother and former classmate: Remember when we used to call each other during Buffy?
Dennis Finch: [after a pause] No, I don't.
Allie, Maya's stepmother and former classmate: Remember when Angel drank from the chalice of poison and you freaked out?
Dennis Finch: The struggle between good and evil is something everyone should care about!

"Just Shoot Me!: The First Thanksgiving (#5.7)" (2000)
Colleen: You know, Finch, you're the only one who hasn't hit on me.
Dennis Finch: Maybe I have a secret plan to get in bed with you.
[Both laugh; Colleen exits]
Elliot DiMauro: So what is your secret plan?
Dennis Finch: Phase one: We become buddies. Mission accomplished. Phase two: I take her to Jack's beach house on the Hamptons for Thanksgiving.
Elliot DiMauro: What's phase three?
Dennis Finch: We go for a romantic walk of the beach at sunset.
Elliot DiMauro: And then?
Dennis Finch: A sudden gust of wind pulls my pants down to my ankles.

"Just Shoot Me!: Blackmail Photographer (#4.3)" (1999)
Jack Gallo: I remember when my first wife left me. I went for a night out on the town to help me cope. And that's where I met wive number two.
Dennis Finch: I don't want a second wife.
Jack Gallo: Then stay away from a place called P.J. O'Suds.