Matt Helm
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Quotes for
Matt Helm (Character)
from The Wrecking Crew (1968)

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The Ambushers (1967)
[Matt is shown a new weapon which gives a whole new meaning to the term "bullet bra"]
Linda: It's not a gun, Mr. Helm. It's the new weapon they gave me, developed right here in our labs.
Matt Helm: Developed pretty well, too!
Linda: May I point out...
Matt Helm: You already do!
Linda: ...that that's why you're here. To become familiar with our latest equipment.
Matt Helm: You right. An agent should always keep *abreast* of the times!

[Matt and Sheila are hiding on a mountain-top]
Matt Helm: We have a long wait ahead of us, so let's get comfortable.
[lies down on his back]
Sheila Sommers: [lying down on top of Matt] How comfortable?
Matt Helm: It's broad daylight!
Sheila Sommers: What's the matter with a broad in the daylight?

Jose Ortega: [toasting] Cheers!
Francesca Madeiros: [also toasting] Skol!
Matt Helm: Sure it's cold. It's got ice in it.

[a new female recruit gets turned on by Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night" playing in the background]
Matt Helm: You really like Perry Como that much?

Francesca Madeiros: How about a good luck kiss?
Matt Helm: Well, I am superstitious myself.

MacDonald: Have you ever seen a flying saucer?
Matt Helm: Is that your way of offering me a drink?

Courier Slaygirl: Long distance call for you, Mr. Helm. Hop aboard.
Courier Slaygirl: [Matt sits himself down on the back of her scooter] I go pretty fast. Better find something to hang on to.
Matt Helm: [Matt knowingly looks at the camera] Crazy.

Quintana: This is our light beer. Care for a taste?
Matt Helm: Oh, I never touch the stuff. Except when I'm working.

Matt Helm: Where are you from?
Francesca Madeiros: The bar.
Matt Helm: The bar...
Matt Helm: I got relatives there.

Matt Helm: [passing each other] Hi!
Francesca Madeiros: A little.

Matt Helm: You drugged me!
Francesca Madeiros: Just in case.
Matt Helm: [getting drowsy] How did you do that?
Francesca Madeiros: Oh, do you like my lipstick, darling? It's a special brand. There's a chemical that penetrates the skin.
Matt Helm: How 'bout your skin?
Francesca Madeiros: I just took the antidote.
[indicating the glass in her hand]

Sheila Sommers: [referring to Francesca] You don't trust her, do you?
Matt Helm: I don't trust any woman.

Matt Helm: [during gunfight] Now I know we're partners. We're trying to kill each other.

Quintana: [struggling to stay afloat in a settling vat] I can't swim!
Matt Helm: Drink yourself to the bottom.

Matt Helm: [referring to Francesca] Don't say it. You may hate her guts, but she's a pro.
Sheila Sommers: Whatever she's pro, I'm anti.
Matt Helm: Come on, Auntie.

Sheila Sommers: Suspenders and a belt?
Matt Helm: Yeah, I have trouble keeping my pants up.

Matt Helm: [to Nassim] May a thousand tigers break every bone in your body.

Matt Helm: What I always wanted, a magic bartender.

Member of firing squad: Silence!
Matt Helm: I believe the expression is, eh, 'Silence, Yankee dog', eh?
Matt Helm: [the guard does not answer] 'Yankee pig'?

Matt Helm: Let Helm put you in the driving seat.

Lovey Kravezit: Mr. Helm, I just this second got here.
[Sees the masseuse]
Lovey Kravezit: Oh, am I interrupting anything?
Matt Helm: No, she's just a masseuse.
Lovey Kravezit: Ah.
[Camera pans to Lovey's mini-dress]
Lovey Kravezit: I think I've got everything you want.
Matt Helm: Yeah!

The Silencers (1966)
[after Gail had splashed water on Matt, she then spills a drink on him after falling over when he's lighting her cigarette]
Gail Hendrix: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Matt Helm: Yeah, I know you are.

Matt Helm: I couldn't help noticing, but, these are your clothes?
Barbara: What if they are?
Matt Helm: Oh, I know you have a headache but don't take it out on me, I mean, what should I do with these?
Barbara: [in a breathy voice] Just throw them anywhere. I won't be needing them 'til morning.

Tina aka Cowboy: This is just like old times.
Matt Helm: Yeah, especially with that body on the floor.
[Pointing to Barbara in the background, who has just been shot twice in the back by Tina]
Tina aka Cowboy: What do we do with *her*?
Matt Helm: You put her on ice, let ICE take care of it.
Tina aka Cowboy: And what happens when the maid walks in, in the morning?
Matt Helm: You know, you're right. Let's put her in my bed, so we don't arouse suspicion.
[Matt and Tina start walking towards Barbara's body, cut]

Tina aka Cowboy: [after Matt has a wet first encounter with Gail at the swimming pool] I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?
Matt Helm: Not if you want to keep me dry.
Tina aka Cowboy: [Discussing Gail] Quite a girl.
Matt Helm: That is not a girl, Tina. That's a disaster area.

Gail Hendrix: I want some music.
[Gail turns on car radio, Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly With Me" plays]
Matt Helm: Oh, turn him off, he's terrible!
[Gail changes the station, Dean Martin's "Everybody Loves Somebody" plays]
Matt Helm: Now that's a guy that can sing!

Matt Helm: The soap, please, Miss Kravezit.

Matt Helm: [picking up the phone] Wrong hacienda.

Matt Helm: Don't you think we should be introduced first?
Barbara: You're Matt Helm.
Matt Helm: Good enough for me.

Matt Helm: But I've been on leave from I.C.E. for a long time. As far as I'm concerned, I am out of it.
Tina: [pouring herself a drink] You're never out of Ice.

Tina: [concerned about a sniper outside] But what happens if he hits the gas tank?
Matt Helm: Smokey the Bear won't like it. Get in.

Tina: Are you on a vacation?
Gail Hendrix: Oh well, eh, I was on a tour, a sight-seeing tour. But eh, the man in charge of our group kept taking me places that weren't in the brochure.
Matt Helm: Where was that?
Gail Hendrix: His room.

Matt Helm: [to Tina] Making love to you is like playing Russian Roulette.

Gail Hendrix: Mr. Helm, now do I look like an enemy agent?
Matt Helm: Well I dunno, I haven't seen the latest models yet.

Gail Hendrix: You undressed me once and I didn't like it.
Matt Helm: Now you're confusing romance with first aid.

Matt Helm: My name is Chump. Matt Chump.

Tina: [trying to get Matt to switch sides] You'll just die...
Matt Helm: Not in your bed.
Tina: What better place is there?

Matt Helm: Well, they finally figured out how to get blood out of a stone...

Matt Helm: [to Gail] You know, if you were an Indian, Custer would still be alive.

Barbara: What's in Acapulco that you can't find here?
Matt Helm: Mexicans.

Murderers' Row (1966)
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [as Matt Helm and Suzie are being shot at by French cops] That's the French for you. They don't think any girl is innocent.

Suzie Solaris: [as they're being picked up by helicopter, Suzie pulls down Matt's pants to reveal his shorts] Polka dot shorts?
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: It's the only way to fly.

Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [after a bomb has blown up near a picture of Frank Sinatra] Sorry Frank.

Julian Wall: Men of good will have done a perfectly dreadful job of running the world. Perhaps it's time for a change. Admit it, I can't do much worse.
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, I think you can. I have faith in you.

Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [under arrest by the French police] Now, wait just a doggone minute. I have some rights, too. I'm an American citizen.
Police Capt. Deveraux: We will play the Star-Spangled Banner while you are in the electric chair.
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Ahhhh - then I have to stand up!

Slaygirl: We're here if you need us.
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: I got the wife with me!

Matt Helm: [shooting part of a spread for Slaymate magazine] I want to catch you right near Duluth.
Miss January: Why, that's my best feature!

Miss January: Well what shall I do with the costume?
Matt Helm: Drop it in the ashtray.

Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: This is dancing?
Suzie Solaris: It's called a discotheque. You want to try?
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Well, I don't disc...

Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [having dispatched of Ironhead] I hate a guy that wears jewelry.

Billy Orcutt: I demand an explanation. What is the meaning of this nocturnal assignation?
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Is he rehearsing for a play?

Julian Wall: Now can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't drop you to the ground?
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Certainly, I'll get killed.

Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Just remember, Suzie, nobody dies for nothing. Not me, not your father, nobody.

Matt Helm: What a way to finish. For a guy that drank booze all his life to end up like a milkshake.

Suzie Solaris: He's yawing!
Matt Helm: I don't feel so good myself.

Matt Helm: [Suzie is kissing his face all over] Easy, I get a little ticklish west of the Mississippi.

Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [to Ironhead] "Crazy fraternity ring. What? Phi Beta Ripper or something?"

Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Cuckoo.
Coco Duquette: Coco.
Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Crazy.
Coco Duquette: Sometimes.

The Wrecking Crew (1968)
Lola Medina: I've heard that you do... drink.
Matt Helm: Just call it a hobby.

Count Massimo Contini: Actually, I would have preferred to live in a different century, Florence in the 13th or Germany in the 18th. Wouldn't you, Mr. Helm?
Matt Helm: No, it'd be all wrong. I'd be dead by now.

Freya Carlson: [After falling into a deep pond] It's too deep.
Matt Helm: Too deep, huh?
[She nods]
Matt Helm: I wanna ask you a question. Whose side are you on?
Freya Carlson: Well, I'm an agent. And I also happen to be a good one. And I'm also a woman!
[She storms away]
Matt Helm: It *was* the wig.

Matt Helm: [to the tune of 'The Sunny Side of the Street'] Grab your coat, get your pale, let me take you in the barn, dear. Just sit back and watch, 'cause I found a cow who gives scotch.

'Mac' MacDonald: [showing a new explosive device] It's so new we don't even have a name for it yet.
Matt Helm: [throws the handkerchief to a safe distance, where it explodes upon hitting the ground] Why don't we call it a little bit of hanky panky?

Matt Helm: Half a bottle is better than none.

Count Massimo Contini: In our civilized business, this is the traditional time to offer you a cigarette or some liquid refreshment, perhaps. But since we are professional people on limiting time schedules, I suggest that we dispense with such amenities.
Matt Helm: Oh, no, let's not dispense with any of those things.

Matt Helm: [Freya has pushed Lenka into the pool] What made you think she could swim?
Freya Carlson: That was the only way to find out, right?

Yu-Rang: Mr. Helm? Yu-Rang.
Matt Helm: No I didn't. But since you're here, why don't you sit down?

Matt Helm: [to Freya] I don't know what you got, but you sure got bad timing.

Matt Helm: Wanna do me a favor?
Freya Carlson: Yes sir.
Matt Helm: Go play in the freeway.
[turns to leave but turns back]
Matt Helm: Without a car!

Matt Helm: [to the tune of 'Cry'] If your sweetheart puts a pistol in her bed, you'd do better sleeping with your uncle Fred...

Matt Helm: So this is the place I was gonna get shot in the back. Kind of a stylish pad to take off from.

Matt Helm: Well, I'm supposed to meet Linka tonight and they've set me up for a hit. But I'm gonnna shock her out of her miniskirt.

Freya Carlson: It just so happens that I know where Yu-Rang hangs her kimono.
Matt Helm: I'll bet you do.

Freya Carlson: [their car is a wreck] Mr. Helm, I'm afraid the car is broken.
Matt Helm: The car is broken?
Freya Carlson: Yes.
[reaches inside the wreckage]
Freya Carlson: Oh! My hat! My hat's ok.