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Quotes for
Joe McDoakes (Character)
from So You Want a Television Set (1953)

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So You Think You're Not Guilty (1950)
[first lines]
[at a traffic light]
Alice McDoakes: Joe, wake up, it says go.
Joe McDoakes: Ah.

[in court]
Joe McDoakes: ...not guilty.
Judge: I beg your pardon?
Joe McDoakes: I said I'm not guilty, your honor.
Judge: You realize that by pleading guilty and paying two dollars, the case will be dismissed?
Joe McDoakes: I don't want it dismissed. I'm not guilty. What kind of a city is this anyhow? You got signals that go up and down and up and down and up and down.
Judge: Do you waive a trial by jury?
Joe McDoakes: I waive nothing. I want the best jury in the country. I wouldn't trust my fate in the hands of any one servant of this this corrupted city.
Judge: All right. Jury trial, date to be set. Defendant pleads not guilty. You're free to go now, Mr. McDoakes.
Joe McDoakes: Darn right I am.
Judge: Except for one thing.
Judge: What?
Judge: The fine for contempt of court is fifty dollars.
Joe McDoakes: [shouts] Fifty dollars?
Judge: Seventy-five.
Joe McDoakes: [shouts] For what?
Judge: One hundred. Step over to the bailiff.

[last lines]
[at a traffic light]
Joe McDoakes: [sighs] Ooh, it's sure swell to be a free man again, honey. Y'know, it's a good thing they let me out. When they did I, I was getting to be a real convict. Ha ha.
Alice McDoakes: Yes dear, you had me a little worried.
[traffic light signal changes]
Alice McDoakes: Come on Joe, the signal changed.
Joe McDoakes: Ah.
[the car passes the sign and again it starts going up and down. McDoakes stumbles upon the crossroad and a cop approaches him]
Joe McDoakes: [talking fast] I'm guilty. I know. I did it. I went through the red light. I'm sorry, kay. Look here. I'll pay you now. There's the two dollars, take it.

So You Want a Television Set (1953)
[first lines]
Alice McDoakes: Joe?
Joe McDoakes: Mmm?
Alice McDoakes: When are we going to get a television set?
Joe McDoakes: Television? We can't afford a TV set.

[last lines]
Joe McDoakes: Gee, I think Doris Day is terrific.
Doris Day: Well, thank you.
Joe McDoakes: [to Gordon MacRae] Hey, you know who's sitting next to me? Doris Day.
Gordon MacRae: I know. She was with me until you took my seat. And give me back my popcorn.
Joe McDoakes: Gordon MacRae. Gordon MacRae and Doris Day.
Doris Day, Gordon MacRae: Shhh...

So You're Going to Be a Father (1947)
Joe McDoakes: They filled their water pistols with kerosene today, don't light a match.

Joe McDoakes: [on a gurney] Is this a good hospital? Doc, did you sterilize your hands? Do you have plenty of towels and hot water?

So You Want to Learn to Dance (1953)
[last lines]
Joe McDoakes: Tank.

So You're Going to Have an Operation (1950)
Joe McDoakes: But I heard of cases where the doctor operated for appendicitis and the patient died of gallstones.
Dr. Van Slaughter: Fear not, young man. If I say a patient has appendicitis, that is what he'll die of.

So You Want to Enjoy Life (1952)
Joe McDoakes: You know, I love Europe this time of year. It's so... so... European! Tell me, did you get the bridal Suite?
Brewster: I'm sorry, sir; all I could get is the Presidential Suite.
Joe McDoakes: Oh! Have the piano taken out.