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: Pa, you're lazier than that old hound dog we used to have. Pa Kettle
: Which one? Ma Kettle
: The one that used to lean against the wall when she barked.
: You know, I'm sorry about the way Mrs. Parker treated you fellas yesterday. Geoduck
: Eastern squaw pretty fresh! Pa Kettle
: No, she's from society. She don't understand us kind of folks, claims her ancestors came over on the Mayflower. Geoduck
: Huh, that nothing. Mine here to greet them. Pa Kettle
: Well, I never thought of that.
: Income tax? What's that? Billy Reed
: Well, income tax supports the government. Ma Kettle
: You mean, Pa and me's got to support all our kids and the government too?
: I thought you might be a traveling salesman. A lot of them visit farms, you know. Shotgun
: Yeah, I've heard stories about them.
: Three bathrooms and I still can't get in. Ma Kettle
: Ya got to expect that when ya got 15 kids. Pa Kettle
: Maybe we should have had less kids and more bathrooms.
: Are you the Kettle in underwear? Pa Kettle
: Yeah, but how did you know?
: Pa, I always seem to be scoldin' you. Pa Kettle
: I know, Ma. You do all the barkin', but it's me that's always in the doghouse.
: [filling in for the preacher
] I don't know how to preach a sermon, I can't quote Scriptures, although I know all the words, I wouldn't know how to put them together, but I can speak from my heart. I can say how thankful I am that I have Ma and the kids, I'm thankful for the food we get nd the clothes we wear. A lot of folks are always asking God for something instead of being thankful for what they got. I figure if He wants you to have it, it'll come to you because you deserve it. He gave us the mountains, the trees, the water and the fertile land. Gave men the ability to make things and grow things. He put gold and silver, coal and oil under the ground, all man has to do is dig them up. Why I figure that He kind of wants you to help yourself a little, He don't want to do it all. If I found out right now there was oil under my land, would I be lazy? No sir, right away I'd get Geoduck and Crowbar to start digging an oil well. The whole world could be a better place to live in if everybody would do like I do. Every morning when I wake up I say "I thank you God, for letting me live to see another day" and at night when I go to lseep I say "Dear God, please let me live to see another tomorrow so I can prove to You that I can be a better man than I have been today." Amen.
: [about Pa's underwear
] It's the latest thing, Billy Reed said they'd fit perfectly. Pa Kettle
: They probably would if he were in them with me! Ma Kettle
] Well, we'll just pin them up for right now, they'll shrink once I wash them.
: George, you ever reckon on goin' in to another line of work? George
: What for? Nothin's more important than garbage. Show me a man without garbage and I'll show you a man who ain't eatin'.