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Quotes for
Mike Bassett (Character)
from Mike Bassett: England Manager (2001)

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Mike Bassett: England Manager (2001)
Mike: How am I supposed to know. Just do whatever you want.

Interviewer: Half time, and England trail Mexico by 2-0.
Mike: Have you heard what the crowd are fucking shouting? "Fuck Bassett!" "Bassett's a cunt!" "Bassett's a bastard!" "Bassett's a wanker!" They shouldn't be fucking shouting at me, they should be shouting at you, and do you know why? Because it's fucking half-time, and we're fucking 2-0 down to the fucking Mexicans! What the fuck's wrong with you? Get your fucking fingers out! Where's your bottle fucking gone?
[hurls piece of equipment at the goalkeeper]
Mike: And fucking pay attention you cunt, when I'm fucking talking to you! If you don't wanna wear the shirt, fucking take it off! There's thousands of kids out there who'd die to put that fucking shirt on. Get back on the fucking field, show those bastards what you can fucking do, or you can fuck off home on the fucking plane! You got that?
Interviewer: England lose 4-0.

Mike: [Harpsey's phone rings, Mike snatches it off him] Will you *fuck off*?
[throws Harpsey's phone to the floor]

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen. England will be playing Four-Four-Fucking Two.

Kevin Tonkinson: [having been arrested for drink-driving] It wasn't my fault, boss, I had to swerve to avoid the traffic!
Mike: Only because you were on the wrong side of the bloody road! How many milligrams did you have?
Kevin Tonkinson: 88.
Mike: 88 bloody milligrams! You go on the piss all day, you've ballooned out like the Pillsbury Doughboy! You've really let me down this time, Tonka, I'm telling you.
Kevin Tonkinson: I wrote an apology, boss!
Mike: Oh, fuck the apology! You could go to jail for this! What sort of system am I going to play then? Three across the middle and one in bloody Pentonville?

[last lines]
Interviewer: [after Mike and the team leave the plane] Are you going to stay on?
Mike: Four more years!
[cheers from crowd]
Mike: I'm staying on!
Interviewer: [some time into the credits] Anyone else?
Pelé: Maybe Korea, Japan...
Interviewer: Japan? What about England?
Pelé: Not England though.
Interviewer: But they've qualified, Pelé!
Pelé: England?
[laughs]

Mike: Alright, Smallsy? Eh, you've got the best part of the dressing room, there - that's Charlton's lucky peg, that is.
Smallsy: Hey, hear that lads? I've got Bobby Charlton's lucky peg!
Mike: No - Jackie's.

Dr. Hans Shoegaarten: [Picking the best players used for a simulation training program] Pele, Maradona and Mark Lawrenson.
Mike: Mark Lawrenson?
Dr. Hans Shoegaarten: We ran out of money.

Interviewer: ...And what would your father say if he could see you now?
Mike: Oh, he'd probably quote Kipling or something, 'Walk with kings and all that' You see, he was like a father figure to me
Interviewer: Well, obviously...

Margaret: Mike, here's the squad list, and I've given copies to the press, like you asked.
Mike: Ah, well done, Margaret, thank you... hey, hang on a minute! There's 28 names here, I only picked 26.
Margaret: Well, that was the list you gave me.
Mike: Tony Hedges, York City? I didn't pick him, love.
Margaret: You must have done, Mike. I wouldn't have put him down, otherwise.
Mike: Never heard of him, have I? And who's this clown? Ron Benson, Plymouth Argyle?
Margaret: Look, Mike, they were on the list of players that you gave me!
Mike: [holding up the cigarette box he wrote the squad list on] Oh, come on, love! Show me where it says "Benson and Hedges" on that.


"Mike Bassett: Manager: Going Dutch (#1.2)" (2005)
Ernie Rouse: Deal of the century Michael, deal of the century. It's a loan signing from Ajax.
Mike Bassett: Oh is that the football team or the scouring powder people?

Mike Bassett: [On phone to Barcelona manager Frank Rijkaard] Mr Rijkaard, Mike Bassett. No I got the chop from the England job four years ago. I'm with er, I'm with Wirral County now. As I was saying I'm making a speculative call to see if you want to offload any er
[laughs]
Mike Bassett: No, I can assure you Frank this is not a wind up. I am not Jose Mourinho putting on a funny voice! Oh come on stop shouting Frank mate, come on, be reasonable!


"Mike Bassett: Manager: Football's Coming Home (#1.1)" (2005)
Mike Bassett: We've conceded in under five seconds!
Richard Johnson: Already breaking records eh Mike.
Mike Bassett: [At Chairman Sir Denzil Quartermaine who is paralysed having had a heart attack] Keep smiling eh Sir Denzil. Never say die. Sir Denzil?
[Sir Denzil's body flops forward]
Mike Bassett: Sir Denzil? Bloody hell he's done a Jock Stein on me!


"Mike Bassett: Manager: Abide with Me (#1.6)" (2005)
Local Press: Mike, your team's in disarray, your star player's injured and you've got to win your next game to stay up. It's a desperate situation isn't it?
Mike Bassett: No, no, no, not at all. We also stay up if we draw and Mansfield lose or even if we both lose but they concede three more goals than us. Or if York City get beat by ten goals and the Scunthorpe game is abandoned so no, it's nicely poised.


"Mike Bassett: Manager: Flat Pack Four (#1.3)" (2005)
Mike Bassett: [Sat in the stands on phone to coach Doddsy after being sent off] Hello Doddsy, can you hear me lad?
David "Doddsy" Dodds: Loud and clear boss.
Mike Bassett: OK look, tell Jeremy to tuck in on the left.
David "Doddsy" Dodds: What?
Mike Bassett: Tell Jeremy to tuck in on the left. Hang on a minute
[Wife Karine calls on another phone and now has a phone on either ear]
Mike Bassett: Sorry love, I can't talk now I'm in the middle of a game.
Karine Bassett: I'm locked out Mike and I'm meant to be cutting someone's hair in five minutes.
David "Doddsy" Dodds: Middle of the game boss?
Mike Bassett: What?
Karine Bassett: Have you got the spare keys?
David "Doddsy" Dodds: You want Jeremy in the middle?
Mike Bassett: No on the left.
Karine Bassett: On the left of what?
Mike Bassett: No I'm talking to Doddsy love, just try round the back.
Karine Bassett: I have it's locked.
David "Doddsy" Dodds: Jeremy round the back boss.
Mike Bassett: Will you shut up!
Karine Bassett: Don't tell me to shut up Mike!
Mike Bassett: No, not you love. Look. go next door and try and get them off the neighbours.
David "Doddsy" Dodds: Get him off, bring on Neighbours. Got it boss, will do.
[Ends phone call]
Mike Bassett: Not Neighbours! He's injured you bloody idiot!
Karine Bassett: I am not a bloody idiot Mike.
[Hangs up]
Mike Bassett: I'm not talking to you love. Jesus!