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: Study? You don't go to Marrakech to study, darling. Patsy
: No you don't! Eddie
: There are lots of reasons to go to Marrakech and studying is not one of them, sweetie. You go to Marrakech for I don't know, drugs, dirt-cheap plates and rugs. Patsy
: Yeah, easy-going sex with gorgeous, under-age youths... Eddie
: Yeaaah. Sex changes, doesn't it, Pats? Well, not now, anyway. Not now, anymore.
: Well, mum... Patsy
: No, Eddie! Eddie
: What? Patsy
: No, to whatever she's going to say! Saffron
: I'm talking to my mother! Patsy
: Just say no, Eddie! Eddie
: What? Patsy
: Just tell her no. Eddie
: I don't understand! Saffron
: Let me go to Morocco. Patsy
: No! Eddie
: Well why not let her go to Morocco? We're going to Marrakech. Saffron
: It's in Morocco. Patsy
: This little scud from hell is trying to slime her way onto a trip, and we don't want it. Saffron
: But, Mum! Patsy
: Don't you "But, Mum" her!
: Just do whatever you want sweetie. Patsy
: Eddie! Eddie
: Well... But as your mother, I cannot be held responsible for your well-being. Alright? If you come with us, you're on your own.
: Let's do that Sonny and Cher number.
: They say I...
: Hang on, I'll just get this chord right.
: They say I...
: Mum! That man pinched me! Patsy
: Darling, don't worry. He's obviously very old and completely blind.
: Have you eaten something? Patsy
: No, not since nineteen seventy three.
: [about Saffy
] Pretty big tits.
: There's no bell! Hello? Hello? Hello? Have you got a toilet for the Madam. Patsy
: Madamoiselle. Moiselle. Eddie
: Can't you just not go in a hole somewhere? Patsy
: Go on Eddy, over there. Come on!
: [to Edina
] Don't question me! Eddie
: The only thing I was in danger of sleeping with was a donkey, and even he did a runner.
: Come on. Wake up! Eddie
: Oh, God! Did I fall asleep here? Oh, damn. Wake up, Pats! Wake up, darling. Let's catch up on a bit of luxury, sweetie. Oh! I'm going to have some breakfast and sit by the pool or something. Saffron
: We've got to go, it's Friday. Patsy
: Friday? Saffron
: You've been unconscious for three days. Eddie
: No! Eddie
: What's that smell? What's that smell? Is that you, sweetie? That sort of honey, yoghurty smell? Is that you?
: Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Eddie
: A bit of bad news, darling? Patsy
: Yeah, it appears the equipment has turned up.
: She burned me with her cigarette! Patsy
: Quite big tits.
: Goodbye aging obscurity and 'Hello.' Magazine.
: [Patsy's affair with an MP has become front page news on all of the papers
] Oh well, heigh ho, Eddy.
[pours some champagne into a glass
: I mean, you know, let them write what they want . . .
[starts to read another feature
: Continued on page five. I mean, I shall just rise above it. I shan't let this thing affect me in . . . bastard! No! No! No! Eddie
: Who, who? Where, where? What, quick, what? Show, show, show!
[Patsy hands Eddy the newspaper, Edina reads aloud
: Source is . . . Patsy
: No, no, no - further. Eddie
: Pasty is . . . uh? Patsy
: Yes? Eddie
: Aged forty-seven! Patsy
: Aagh! I'll sue! Saffie
: [to Edina
] Well, how old is she?
: I'm thirty-nine. Saffie
: And I'm an ovum. Patsy
: [tears up newspaper
] Oh . . . it's just not fair. Gran
: [Gran enters reading the newspaper headlines
] Another pig-ugly MP making a fool of himself with some scrawny old hooker, I see. Patsy
: Old? Old! Old, old, old! Gran
: Nothing like a good old sex scandal. Bit more exciting than the ones in my day. Eddie
: God, what was it in your day? "Woman Shows Ankle To Chimney-Sweep Shock"?
: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk! Eddie
: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk! You're all tutty, darling! When Patsy comes in, I want you to treat her with a little bit of respect, alright? Patsy
] Click, click, flash, flash. Click, flash, flash, flash, click, click, click. Flash, flash, flash. Guys, guys, just give me a break, darlings! Just give me a break. I have a life to lead! Click, click. "This way, Patsy!". Fellows, fellows, fellows. Sweetie's darlings, can you just leave me alone? Click, click, click, click. Flash, flash, flash, flash. Click, click, click. Patsy, Patsy! Eddie
: You alright, darling? You're not letting this get to you, are you? Patsy
: No, of course not. Eddie
: A little bit of Bolly? Patsy
: Yes, just a smidge.
[looking at newspapers
: Oh, are these todays? Eddie
: Yes, sweetie. Patsy
: Anything in them? Eddie
: Not much, darling, no. Saffie
: [reading from the paper
] "M.P. in drug-crazed sex romp with shock with fash-mag slag". Patsy
: Damn! Eddie
: I know. Well, there is that, thank you very much, sweetie. Well, in fact you're front page on most of them, darling. But it has only been a day, you know. Patsy
: I mean, who could still possibly be interested in reading all this? Saffie
: His wife? Patsy
: Listen, Saffy. I am the victim in this case. I mean, he's just using me for publicity. He's just riding on my back to get his pathetic little face in the papers. Eddie
: Exactly, sweetie! Patsy's had the hassle and trauma. She's been forced to leave her flat, darling. Saffie
: Forced? Even the cockroaches left that whole of their own accord. Eddie
: They are trying to make out, darling, that Patsy is some kind of sex-crazed, morally corrupted, drunken, high-classed, prostitute, darling! Saffie
: Pretty accurate, so far!
: [reading newspaper headlines about Patsy
] Look at this! "Four Letter Patsy In M.P. Sex Row!". Patsy
: "Orgy Of Alcohol And Sex Near M.P.'s House!". Eddie
: Ridiculous! Those bastard scum filth parasites of the press, darling. Saffie
: Well, make up your mind. One minute they're scum, and the next you're giving them lunch and pouring booze down their throats in the great name of P.R.! Eddie
: Booze? Booze, sweetie? Booze, darling? Is that what they call it down the Uni bar? Booze, sweetie? Is it? Will you be popping in there, darling, after a hard day's lecture for some half a pint of shandy-booze? Some pork scracklings? Oh, God. Where was I?
[picks up another paper
: "Illicit Passion For M.P.'s Posh Clothes Mag Gal Pal!". Oh, God. "Shocked Wife Of M.P. Keeps Silent!". Eddie
: Bitch! Patsy
: Bitch! Patsy
: [picks up another paper
] "Queen Furious". That's not you.
: You know, in my day... Saffie
: Your day? Which century was that? Patsy
: In my day, there was a sense of style about the whole thing, you know. Christine Keeler, Mandy Rice-Davies... Gorgeous little women who kept their mouths shut and just looked gorgeous, and gave the whole thing an air of dignity. You know, that's the way I should play it, Eddie. Not like these penny tarts of recent times. Kiss and tell, blurt it all out, for the promise of a quick buck and instant fame. Not me, sweetie. My lips are sealed. Saffie
: You'll do "Hello!" magazine, though? Patsy
: Ooh, yeah! Eddie
: Might as well do it in the comfort of your own home.
: [to Antonia
] Would you like to follow me into my gracious drawing room?
: [interviewing Patsy for "Hello!" magazine
] Is it a miracle that you are walking again? Patsy
: It is a miracle that I can walk at all... I bless the wonder of life... and the newness of living.
: [interviewing Patsy for "Hello!" magazine
] And when will the baby be born? Do you hope to have a big family? Of course! How stupid of me. Those questions were transparently for a much younger woman.
: And you're not Annabelle Croft? Patsy
: No, I'm Patsy Stone. Antonia
[thinks about who Patsy is
: Oh! Did your life change much after "Basic Instinct"?
: [on the phone
] Yes? Bonjour. Oui. Just put me...
: Four bloody languages and they can't specialize in one.
[back to the operator
: Just put me through to Zermatt! Zermatt! Saffie
: Who are you calling? Eddie
: My Doctor Philip, darling. He's skiing in Switzerland.
[into the phone
: Hello? Hello, Philip? Yes, it's Edina... You know that foot of mine, darling? Yeah, I just bashed it on the door-frame. It's very painful. Huh? Huh?... Oh, God!
: He just hit the grand slalom. I can't hear him from wind noise. Patsy
: Eddie? Eddie
: Oh, Pats, darling, how did it go? Patsy
: [pointing to sticky face lifts on her face
] Do these work? Eddie
: For how old, sweetie? Patsy
: Thirty five. Eddie
: You might need a few more for thirty five, I think, darling. Patsy
: How much more? Saffie
: A bungee jump with the elastic tied to the back of your head should get that back into shape. Eddie
: [on the phone
] Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, oh! Operation? Darling. Hospital, yes. Alright, alright, thank you.
: Did you catch that, darling? I've got to go to hospital. Patsy
: Hospital, Eddie? I'll come with you. Eddie
: Alright, I'm going to have to pack and order the ambulance and everything. Saffie
: Why don't you take your car? Eddie
: Because, sweetie, I do not pay huge insurance premiums, so I can just drive myself to hospital, alright? And not stay overnight, okay? Come on, Pats. Which one shall we go to? Cromwell? Heritage? Patsy
: Champneys. Eddie
: They've got a pool, don't they?
: Where am I here? Patsy
: In my gracious drawing room. Antonia
: No, I mean where is this? Shepherd's Bush? Eddie
: Holland Park! Holland Park! It's not on the outskirts, either. It's not the edge of Holland Park. This is the rich heartland of Holland Park here. All right, is the photographer here yet? Antonia
: No, we never do photos on the same day. Next week. Eddie
: It's a seventy-foot drawing room with west-facing garden. One point five million.
: Magda! Magda
: Hello, Pats! How are ya? Unlucky business with the M.P. Still the "Hello!" thing should sort that out. I better make this quick I've got a lingerie opening and a feminine wash launch to get to by six, and all this with my working champagne lunch with Anouska bloody Hempel floating about here. This month I want articles about how lovely spending money is. Expensive things, the better cosmetics are great. I want money, money, money. Spend, spend, spend. I don't want to see any more photos of gormless skeletons with no brains, no make-up and no bloody tits. Patsy
: Promoting bored teenagers won't sell a Chanel suit. Magda
: Naw, they're too thin! Patsy
: Too young! Magda
: If the models get any younger, Pats, they'll be chucking foetuses down the catwalk!
: Never mind, darling. Patsy
: Hey-ho! Eddie
: You're not crying, are you, darling? Patsy
: No, sweetie. There's just this little wound under my eye that won't heal. The wound on this side won't heal either. Eddy!
: [nervous on TV
] You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes.
: Yeah. Cheers. Thanks a lot.
: What are you smirking at? Do you think this is funny? Edina
: Oh... Funny what, darling? Funny ha-ha-ha? Saffron
: You might have rung and let me know what you were doing. Edina
: I was too busy doing it, darling. What's the matter? Are you jealous? Saffron
: No, worried. Edina
: Oh, worried about me having some fun? Well, I was darling. Bloody great, bloody fun, alright? Patsy
: Ask her who with? Saffron
: Who with? Edina
: Jean-Pierre. Patsy
: That bastard! You didn't tell me he was around. Edina
: Oh. I sort of ran into him by accident, darling. He's over here directing a new video for a hip-rave-rap... band, darling. Patsy
: I thought we were going out.
: Thanks to you, I had to spend the whole evening alone in this house with Helena Bonham Carter, here! I'm going back to bed. There's no point in me being up at this hour.
[gets a bottle of scotch
: Helps me to sleep. Edina
: Yeah. Saffron
: Back in your coffin. Edina
: Darling! Patsy's an insomniac, sweetie. Saffron
: More like the living dead. Edina
: Oooh! Oooh! Saffron
: [about Patsy
] How long is she here for? Edina
: I don't know. How long are you here for? Saffron
: How long? Edina
: Well, until her flat has been fumigated, darling. She can't live in it breathing fumes all day, can she? Saffron
: Why not? I thought sniffing chemicals was what she did best. I'm surprised she's not up there already with a straw stuck up her nose. She should try it, you know. It might actually be the one substance that makes her socially acceptable. Edina
: Darling, it would kill her! Saffron
: Exactly! Edina
: A few hormones, talking there, haven't we, sweetie? Huh?
: Are you going to the office? Edina
: Yeah, I have to sort out a few things about the shop, darling. It's going very well, by the way. I've got gorgeous things coming in from Kashmir, Afghanistan, Albania... I've got blankets and rugs coming in from Ethiopia. Dirt cheap, darling, honestly. And some of those lip plates from dead Amazonian Indians. I thought we could sell them as ashtrays.
[Saffron looks appalled
: Don't look at me like that, darling. We do take the lip off, you know! Honestly, sweetie... I've got some lovely cooking pots coming in from Somalia. I mean, they don't need them. They've got no food to put in them at all. And also, sweetie, best news of all time, darling. Patsy
: Yes? Edina
: You know those villages that were deserted by the Kurds? Patsy
: Yes. Edina
: I bought the entire contents. Patsy
: Oh, well done, Eddy! Edina
: I know, I know, the trucks are moving in. Saffron
: Coups, revolutions and disasters, they're all bargain basements to you! Edina
: Oh, darling! They're happy camping.
: What are you doing today, Pats? Saffron
: I hope she's not lolling around the house again. Edina
: Will you shut up? Will you just shut up? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my friend. Is that alright? God, it's like living with a chronically-depressed budgerigar, living with you. Shut up! Pats? Patsy
: I'm going in to my office. Edina
: Your... Patsy
: ...Office. Edina
: Office? The magazine, darling? Is that still there? Patsy
: Of course it is. There's a little meeting, you know. So I've got to go, you know. About ten minutes. Saffron
: What do you do? Edina
: Darling! Patsy is one of the top fashion editors in a top magazine. Patsy
: Director. Edina
: Executive Fashion Director. Saffron
: But she's never at work. Patsy
: I am always at work. Edina
: Yes, thanks to our friend, Mr. Mobile Telephone. Anyway, Patsy's got that job for life. Saffron
: [about Patsy's job
] You don't mean to say she's actually good at something? Edina
: No, darling. She slept with the publisher. Patsy
: ...And I'm bloody good at it! Edina
: Bloody good at it!
: So, what does a fashion director do? Edina
: Oh, darling! She get's a fifty per cent discount at Harvey Nicks. Patsy
: It's not only that. There is work involved. You know, skill. Edina
: Yeah, of course there is. Patsy
: I... I decide what goes in the magazine. Edina
: Yeah. Patsy
: You know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high, that the world is your gynaecologist. Edina
: Exactly. You get lots of free champagne, don't you? Patsy
: Yeah. I direct... Edina
: The fashion. Yeah. You get lots of little free goodies, little things, you get. Saffron
: You two have never had to pay for anything! Have you? Edina
: I paid for you, darling. Patsy
: A hundred times over!
: [to Saffy
] You may dress like a Christian, but the similarity ends there. I think you do it on purpose. How long does it take you to get the crease so crisp down the front of your jeans, you torturer?
: Yes, well... I never knew my father. My mother only knew him fairly briefly.
: [about her mother
] She didn't want a child. She would've got rid of me, but she mistook being pregnant for the menopause. When she found out it was too late.
: What are you doing tonight, Pats? Patsy
: Seeing the publisher again. You know, just to be sure. Edina
: Darling, even Amanda de Cadenet would remember the word "accessories".
: [talking to Eddy
] Look, I just don't want you to make a horrible mistake again. Edina
: What do you mean? Patsy
: Darling, I'm your best friend. And let's be honest: Your taste in men is famously bad. You know, sweetie, I've had to save you from two disastrous marriages, and some ghastly pathetic affairs you might nearly have had.
] I don't know why it went wrong with Justin. I mean, you know, cause we did just adore each other, you know. Patsy
: He's gay.
: Everybody's there, everybody! Big names, you know. Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gaultier, darling. Names, names, names. Every rich bitch from New York is in there. Hockwenden, Ruttenstein, Vandebilt, Rothschild, Hookenfookenberger, Dachshund, Rottweiler, sweetie. Patsy
: A row of skeletons with Jackie O hairdos. Eddie
: Harper's, Tatler, English "Vogue", American "Vogue", French "Vogue", bloody Aby-bloody-ssinian bloody "Vogue", darling. Jeff Banks and Selina Scott couldn't even get a ticket, darling.
: What are you wearing, Eddy? Eddie
: La Croix. Patsy
: It's fabulous. Eddie
: Good... Thank you.
: Darling, stop me drinking today because Saffy's threatened to leave home again. Patsy
: Darling, you don't drink. Eddie
: Yes, I know I'm not a drinker, but you know what she's like, I mean... Patsy
: A pig. Eddie
: God, I must ring in and tell them I'm coming. Patsy
: What will you drink if you stop drinking? Eddie
: I shall drink water.
: It's a mixer, Patsy. We have it with whiskey... I mean, you know what it's like, you've given up drinking before. Patsy
: The worst eight hours of my life.
: [Saffron has refused to go to Edina's fashion show and her son, Serge, is also unavailable
] You know, I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is if they're not going to turn up for your launches? Did you tell him how important for you it was, darling? Eddie
: Yeah, I tell him. I faxed the bloody dean, the bollocky halls of residence and the buggery mountain rescue. I mean, what more can I do? Patsy
: Nothing, and you shouldn't have to. I mean, look at you. You've been a fantastic mother. You've let them ruin your figure. Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition, you've got tits down to your knees, and what for, for God's sake? For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit and a Gazza t-shirt for the past two years. Cut the cord, darling.
: Now, come on, come on, come on. How's the celebrity and V.I.P. list looking? Bubble
: Good, I think. But you know me, I don't know anybody. Eddie
: Now, come on, darling. Come on, darling! Just tell me about Joan Collins, Stephanie Powers, Paloma Picasso, Charlotte Rampling, Catherine Deneuve. Give me some names, darling. Bubble
: So far? Eddie
: So far. Bubble
: So far Sinnita and Anne Robinson definite. We're still chasing Anneke Rice. Gave up on Norma Major. Eddie
: Now, just get me my phone book now, would you, darling? Get me my phone book. I mean Princess Di has... Bubble
: Anne. Eddie
: ...to have somebody to sit next to. You don't get Princess Di to a major... Bubble
: Anne. Eddie
: ...fashion event. Bubble
: Anne. Princess Anne. Eddie
: As well as, is it, darling? Bubble
: Instead of. Only. Oh, possibly with daughter. Eddie
: Why, why? Bubble
: Well, there was a bit of a mix-up. I didn't make the call, but she's very game and a really nice person. Eddie
: Oh, I wouldn't care if she was Mother bloody Teresa, darling! It doesn't matter for our purposes! What we need is a Princess with a press following and a designer dress on her back! Patsy
: Not someone who looks like she runs up her own. Bubble
: Well, her people were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured. Patsy
: The only label she wears is "Drip Dry".
: Right, I'm off. Are we eating? Eddie
: Yes, after. French, Italian, whatever you like, sweetie. Patsy
: No darling, no one's eating that sort of food anymore. There's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair. Everything is raw. Anything with a pulse is lunch. Eddie
: Alright, darling, whatever.
: Oh, the magazine called for you, Patsy. They need some decisions about this month's cover. Patsy
: Oh, really? Whatever can they need to know? I mean, it's the same every month: a model in make-up with a vacant look on her face...
: Have you got something I can pee into? I want to do another test. Eddie
: Bloody hell, Patsy! Wash it this time, will you? Anyway, darling, who was it you were with last night? Patsy
: Oh, he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights... Eddie
: Oh. Patsy
: Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls. Eddie
: Bye, Pats. Darling, bye.
: Darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual. Eddie
: Oh, thank you. Patsy
: And remember, I've known you longer than your daughter, and anything you do is alright by me. You're my best friend, sweetheart. Can I take your car?
: I mean, Betty Boo and Dannii Minogue did their best, but frankly...
: So you've been diddled. It's happened to us all, once in a while. Patsy
: But it's not the money, Eddie. Eddie
: What is it? Patsy
: It's the horrible realization that I must have actually enjoyed playing ping-pong.
: [to the air hostess
] Sullen, stingy, bloody French bitch. Air Hostess
: [drops a packet on peanuts on her lap
] Madame. Patsy
: Moiselle. Mademoiselle.
: You can't go to France and not drink. Eddie
: Huh? Patsy
: The chateau we're staying at is in the middle of a vineyard. The area alone is fifteen percent proof.
: Am I on the wrong side of the road, or the wrong side of the road? I can't go on until I'm sure. Patsy
: Keep driving, Eddy. You haven't hit anything yet. Eddie
: This is here. I should be on the right-hand side of the road. Patsy
: Look, do you want me to drive? Eddie
: Oh, so speaks the woman whose head has been lolling around like a bladder on a stick for the best part of the journey. Read the maps, get the maps.
[Patsy hands Edina a map
: This is Spain. Read the instructions. Patsy
: "Leave airport, turn right..." Blah, blah, blah. Eddie
: Right. Now, get in, Pats. I shouldn't have gone left, should I? I mean... We're going back to that bloody airport, Pats, or we'll never find it. Oh, God! I hate France, I hate it!
: A cockroach! A cockroach! A dead cockroach! No don't kill it, darling! I'm a Buddhist, I could come back as one of those. Oh! Patsy
: I think that one had a coronary, sweetie. Eddie
: Oh, God! Insects, insects! They followed me, those bloody insects. Insects follow me everywhere, darling. From Tuscany to the Caribbean. Insects, insects, insects! You know, I usually see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake. You don't see spiders scuttling into the corner. You never see a picture of Jane Seymour with a centipede dangling from her bloody tiara! No, they just follow me, they bloody follow me. I mean, a mosquito has never bitten you, for God's sake! Patsy
: The last mosquito that bit me had to book into the Betty Ford Clinic.
: Eddy! Rosemary's Baby has arrived with food!
: [playing Monopoly
] Oh, I'm broke. Patsy
: Take another mortgage. Don't give in. Bubble
: What, on a "get out of jail free" card? Patsy
: Well, try. Saffron
: I thought you were broke. Where did you get all that money from? Patsy
: Don't question me. Saffron
: Where did you get it? Patsy
: I borrowed it from the bank. Saffron
: Well, you can't do that. That's cheating. Patsy
: Listen, you little stoat. I own Park Lane. I can borrow as much money as I like.
: [to Bubble
] Listen, you little gonk. If you tell anyone what he said, I'll kill you.
: I need to see my lawyer. I must be allowed to make that telephone call before my freedom is finally snatched away from me. Customs Officer
: That won't be necessary Miss Stone. The white powder we found was a perfectly harmless innocent substance. Eddie
] Oh! Customs Officer
: You're all free to go. Patsy
: I beg your pardon? Customs Officer
: You're free to go. Be a bit more careful next time. Patsy
: Just hang on there! I demand that you re-test it! Come back here! I paid a, a huge amount of money for that substance! Don't tell me it was talcum powder!
: Well, you can't have anything in common. You can't have Anything to talk about. Eddie
: Ha. She doesn't want somebody to talk to, darling. Patsy
: I've got you to talk to. Eddie
: Exactly. I mean, no one blinks an eye if an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo, do they? Or what's really sick... , Listen now Patsy, what is really sick, darling, is when a non-bimbo girl goes out with a really old man. That's sick, isn't it, darling. Patsy
: Brrrr. Saffie
: Mum, what is this world you live in? What does "bimbo" and "non-bimbo" mean? Eddie
: The real world, darling.
: Good morning, Eddy. Eddie
: Oh, Pats, look, just stand there. I'm going to lift my shirt. I want an honest opinion.
[lifts her shirt up
: Surgery. Liposuction on the stomach and hips, umm bum lift, tit lift, lose a rib.
: Eddy, do you remember that time I went out with Ferruzzi? Eddie
: Saffy, this man was fifty five years old, for God's sake. Patsy
: The only thing that got him up in the night was his bladder. Did you get it, Ed? Did you get it? The only thing he got up for was to have a slash. Remind me not to tell that one again when I'm sober. Saffie
: Sober? Chance would be a fine thing.
: Don't let her torture you, Eddy. I mean, she ruined your figure in the first place. Eddie
: Exactly! Patsy
: She's the one who turned you into this potato that we see before us. Justin
: Now, now, now, now! That's unfair. I mean, I liked you when you were sort of heavier. You know, you were more umm... umm cuddly. Eddie
: Oh, God! I'm sick! Patsy
: I'm going to throw up. Justin
: I mean, tough, really tough. Really tough. Patsy
: Let's go. Eddie
: We'll go on a public transport, Pats. Patsy
: Are you mad? I've got nothing to wear on public transport. Eddie
: Yes, but sweetie, I will not have my daughter thinking she's so great, because she can use public transport. Anybody can use public transport, darling! Saffie
: I know. That's the point. Eddie
: Come on, Pats. I'll go and get that... map thing I always use. You know, the "A to Street Map" thing-book. Come on!
: Now is there anything I should look at? Bubble
: Yes, a few of them what-you-call-thems have come through. Eddie
: What? Bubble
: Paper comes out... Eddie
: What, what paper? Bubble
: Very important, urgent paper. Eddie
: What? Tell me, tell me. Bubble
: The paper that comes out of the answering machine. Eddie
: Fax? Bubble
: Messages, letters, the lot. It comes and it comes. Anyway, them. I've managed to get a couple of them down. I copied them onto me pad. Eddie
: Let's have a look.
: "We've been saved by English Heritage." What does that mean? Bubble
: Where? Eddie
: It's here, "saved". Bubble
: No, "sued". Eddie
: Well it's only four letters out, I suppose that's alright. Sued, why are being sued, darling? Bubble
: Well, that last fashion shoot you organised. Apparently, someone moved a couple of rocks, or something. Patsy
: Moved a couple of old rocks? My God! Eddie
: Stonehenge, Pats. Anyway... Patsy
: So? They should be glad of the publicity. Eddie
: Exactly, exactly. Send that one to my lawyers. Now...
: "Penny called from L.A.". Penny who? Bubble
: It'll come to me. It's only urgent-ish. She's coming over in a week or two. She wanted to talk to you about a shop, or something. Eddie
: Yeah... Eddie
: She wanted to sell you some things, or something. Eddie
: My shop, remember? I'm opening a shop, Bubble. Bubble
: I'm opening a shop, Pats. Patsy
: Ooh, what are you going to sell? Eddie
: Oh, just gorgeous things, you know. Patsy
: Ooh, lovely. Eddie
: Gorgeous, tasteful, little stylish little gorgeous things. Patsy
: Expensive... Eddie
: Obviously, yes. They'll be present-y Anoushka Hempel-y sorts of things everywhere. Patsy
: Chocolates? Eddie
: Garden implements, that sort of thing.
[flicking through a magazine
: I can't find anyone I want to look like... Oh! Oh, she's not bad. Who's that? Patsy
: That's Ivana Trump. Eddie
: She's good, isn't she? Bubble
: Do you think so? She looks like a classic bimbo to me. All that terrible blonde hair piled on top of her head. False tan. She's far too thin. Always pouting. Absolutely no character. The skirt's too short. I mean, it's pathetic these older women struggling to look twenty five... Sorry. Patsy
: I think she's tremendous.
: You're very thin, aren't you, Bubble Patsy
: She's emaciated, like her brain! Bubble
: I know, it's awful. I can eat as much as I like and I just don't get fatter. I cannot put on weight. Eddie
: Oh, how terrible... Bubble
: I know. I wish I was more curvy. I wish I had breasts like yours. Eddie
: No, you don't. Bubble
: Yes, I do. Eddie
: No, you don't. Bubble
: I do! Great, big, large, pendulous breasts. I'd like to fill a bra. Eddie
: No, you wouldn't. Just stop saying you do. You don't know what it feels like. You think, just because you feel better with a couple of oranges stuffed down your cups, that you know what it feels like. Well, you don't. It's hell. Bubble
: I don't have to wear a bra. I just stuff the oranges down me vest. Eddie
: Listen, you little bookmark. You know I only employ you because you make me look better, don't you? Bubble
: I've remembered what she's called. Penny Caspar-Morse!
: [about Edina
] Poor old fat old thing. Look at her, like a beached whale in designer sheets.
: [about Penny Caspar-Morse
] Okay, okay. She's here. Eddy, great news. Eddie
: She's fat? Patsy
: No, no, no. Better than that. Eddie
: She's dead! Patsy
: No. She's blind. Eddie
: Yes! Yes, she's blind! Yes!
: Do you want some ecstasy Eddy? Eddie
: Are you mad, darling? Nobody's taking that any more. People have been dragged from raves bleeding from every orifice. Patsy
: This isn't a rave. It's a "happening". Eddie
: Don't force to take it, Pats. I promised Saffy I wouldn't, darling. Patsy
: She'll never find out. She didn't scare me. Saffie
: Mum! Keep the noise down.
: What am I supposed to do if you die? Eddie
: Get cabs!
: Eddie tells me that Mr. M... you know... dead. Mrs. June 'Gran' 'Mother' Monsoon
: That's right. Patsy
: Well, I um... condole you. Mrs. June 'Gran' 'Mother' Monsoon
: Thank you dear. Patsy
: He chose the right season to go. Saffie
: What do you mean? Patsy
: Well Harvey Nicks have got some really tasty little black numbers at the moment. And black is like "in". You wouldn't have to wear it only the once. It's my job to know these things.
: So Marshall, how's the script coming? Eddie
: Oh no, do we have to know? Marshall
: Well it's at a real interesting stage. Sondra Lorrance
: You're doing just fine. Marshall
: We had Keanu Reeves pull out, which, which we feel really positive about now because it's taken a different course entirely. And, and a Japanese company has taken up the option to do it in animation form. Sondra Lorrance
: Pat yourself on the back for that. Eddie
: A cartoon...? Patsy
: A cartoon! Marshall
: Animation! Eddie
: A cartoon!
: Do you think the Yankee bimbo from hell is gone? Eddie
: God, I hope so, darling!
: This is... This is a, sort of... corpse... in an open, oaken, oblong coffin... Silky lining. It's a dead body, Pats. Patsy
: Yeah, but is it art, Eddie? Eddie
: No, sweetie, it's my father. Patsy
: Are you sure? Eddie
: Yeah, I think so. But I've just never seen him in a suit before.
: I mean, what's the point of grieving if there's no one there to see you do it? Patsy
: You're right, Eddie. You're always right!
] Mrs. June 'Gran' 'Mother' Monsoon
: Let's hope someone fills them in before they get help. Patsy
: I should be there! Shouldn't I? I mean, he would want me to be there. Patsy
: He'd want you to be there. Eddie
: He'd want me to be there. He'd want me to be there! Patsy
: Yeah. Eddie
: He'd want you to be there, as well. Patsy
: No, I don't... I don't think he'd want me to be there. Eddie
: If you want the house darling. Patsy
: He'd want me to be there! Eddie
: He'd want you there! Eddie
: Come on, darling.
[Edina is sitting in court next to her lawyer, with Patsy, Saffron and Gran behind. They are looking up at the magistrate, who is reading out the list of charges against Edina
: ...driving without a license, driving without insurance, not wearing a seatbelt, having no tax disc displayed, driving over the legal speed limit, driving under the influence of alcohol, allowing another person to drive your vehicle under the influence of alcohol. In the region of £5,000 of parking fees owing, £6,000 of damage to property. Charges of assault and abuse - the charges of attempted murder and robbery have been dropped. Shoplifting... Patsy
: [to judge
] My name is Patsy Stone. I'm an alcoholic, and what she did was an act of humanitarian mercy. Judge
: That is hardly a reason to steal a crate of champagne. Eddie
: Have you any idea how much champagne costs these days? I was forced to steal it. My daughter wouldn't have allowed me to buy it. Judge
: I must ask you to sit down as stop wasting the court's time. The sum of £50,000 is to be paid by you in damages, and a further fine of £2,000. You will also be liable for all cost incurred. Eddie
: [to Saffron
] Well, getting rid of my chauffeur was a little bit of a falso economy, wasn't it sweetie? Judge
: ...and a lifetime ban on driving. And, finally, Mrs. Monsoon... Eddie
: Can I just say one word in my defense, um? Saffie
: I don't think that's a very good idea, Mum. Your mouth is working for the prosecution. Eddie
: Oh, darling, this is what I do well, sweetie. You might pick up a few tips for the Debating Society, you never know. Without notes, Saff.
: Thank you, thank you.
: Right - I, the proposed accused, think that, well, I mean, you know, well the day in question was not a good day for me, all right? But I put it to you that I don't see how any day could have been good the way this bloody country's run. Well, you know, I was just trying to do my best, trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping. I was trying to take control of my life, you know, only to find that it's actually controlled for me by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper - ignorant bloody petty rules and laws that just obstruct every tiny little action until you've committed a crime without even knowing it! I mean, you know, why can't life just be made a little easier for everybody, eh? Why can't it be more like the Continent, and then run down the street in front of charging bulls whilst letting fireworks off out of his bloody nostrils without anyone blinking an eye? Uh? Because it's probably a local holiday and nobody's at work because they all want to have just a little bit of fun and they're not intimidated by some outdated work ethic. I mean, there has to be more to life than just being safe... Judge
: Is there a point to all of this? Eddie
: [explaining to the judge her problems with the law
] Yes, Yes!... Why, oh why, do we pay taxes, hmmm? I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions- and BUGGERY-UGLY traffic wardens, and BOLLOCKY-pedestrian-BLOODY-crossings?... and those BASTARD railings outside shops windows, making it so difficult, so you can't even get in them! I mean, I know they're there to stop stupid people running into the street and killing themselves! But we're not all stupid! We don't all need nurse-maiding. I mean, why not just have a Stupidity Tax? Just tax the stupid people! Patsy
: [stands up
] And let them DIE! Eddie
: Yes! Judge
: Anymore of this ridiculous rant, and I'll put you both away! Gran
: Hear, hear! Judge
: Edina Margaret Rose Monsoon, I hereby sentence you to...
: [running into the kitchen holding four cigarettes
] LIGHT! LIGHT! LIGHT! Eddie
: Oh no Pats, not another no-smoking cab. They must see you coming these days. Patsy
: Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver!
[at a red light
: Go for it, Eddie!
: [about the No Smoking cab
] I hope you refused to pay him this time darling. Patsy
: It was one of your account cabs, Eds. I think you should get him fired. Saffie
: Oh, so not only do you want the man to die of passive smoking, but you also want to deny him a living of any kind. Eddie
: Passive smo- I suppose we're shortening your life, are we, darling? Patsy
: If only.
: [about the Nicotine patches on Patsy's back
] They're actually, most of these seem alright darling. They're leaching something out of your skin rather than the other way around. Saffie
: She's probably recharging them. Patsy
: Careful Eddie. Don't rip so hard. Saffie
: Yes, be careful. At her age the flesh slides off the bone like a well-cooked chicken. Eddie
: For your information, there are some people who'd pay a lot of money for Patsy's body. Saffie
: Morticians. How much do you think you'd get for a ready-embalmed carcass? No wonder she's always been refused a donor card.
: [to Saffy
] Whose side are you on? Do you want us to be poor? Patsy
: You'll be poor...? Saffie
: That's got you worried. Patsy
: Eddie, we simply cannot allow them to cut us off like this. Now, listen, sweetie, it is not alimony, it is compensation. Saffie
: For what? Eddie
: It's damages, sweetie, for those long crippling hours of painful labour I went through on your behalf. Saffie
: You had a Caesarean. Eddie
: Yes, I know I had a Caesarean, darling but... how do you think it feels to wake up every morning and look down and see your stomach still smiling back up at her, hmm? You can't put a price on that!
: I turned on the... hmm... what-cha-ma-call-it this morning... Saffie
: Radio? Bubble
: I want to say "telephone"... That's not right... Not right...
[going through possibilities in her head
: You look at it. Eddie
: Television! Bubble
: That's it! Good Morning Television. Hello! Which I don't normally do because I find myself falling back to sleep like that. Patsy
: Good Morning, Television? My God! If they could market that in pill form, Switzerland would be plunged into a recession.
: I'm not like Saffy, I can't walk around looking like a... Patsy
: ...A stale old piece of toast. Eddie
: Exactly. It takes more than a cold flannel and some Body Shop oatmeal scrub for me, you know. And I can't meet clients smelling like an old bowl of porridge, can I, sweetie? These are valid business expenses.
: [about Bettina
] Neat? She was so anally-retentive, she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture!
: So no lunch then, Ed? Eddie
: Not unless Bettina arrives early. Then I shall have lunch with her. Patsy
: [in funny voice
] Can I borrow the car? Eddie
: No, I'm picking up Bettina from the airport.
[Patsy puts her head down, upset
: [under breath, annoyed
] Oh god... Oh god... Well , what's the matter? Patsy
: I'm not happy. Eddie
: Well take the car. Just go. Go. Patsy
: I don't want the car. Eddie
: Well just go and be unhappy somewhere else. Go on... Go on!
: Don't touch me! Eddie
: Well just bug off! Bug off! Bug off!
[Patsy knocks an ash tray off the kitchen table and knocks candlesticks and ornaments off a shelf as she goes up the stairs
: Oh hi Brit, it's Patsy. Britt Ekland
: Patsy? Patsy
: Stone. Britt Ekland
: Stone? Patsy
: Patsy, Patsy Stone, Stone Patsy, Patsy Stone. Britt Ekland
: Oh Patsy. Patsy
: Oh Brits. Britt Ekland
: Pats Patsy
: Brits Britt Ekland
: Pat Patsy
: Bri Britt Ekland
: Pa Patsy
: Br Britt Ekland
: Puh Patsy
: I should have sued. I was cut to ribbons, scarred for life. Saffron
: Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same place behind each ear. Eddie
: Sweetie! Patsy
: Go on, Eddie, go on Eddie
: What? Patsy
: Well go on, go goon. You're going to tell this little trail of cat sick that I was badly injured and not to question me. Eddie
: No, I wasn't. I was gonna say, "Sweetie, darling, if you want to be some help to Mama, go upstairs and clear surfaces. Go on, darling." Mwah, mwah, mwah.
[points to June
: Take her with you, take her with you. Clear her, clear her. Neat and neat and neat.
: Where's Mags' diary? I want to know what she's doing for lunch? Bubble
: She's got a meeting. Patsy
: Why haven't you written it in? Bubble
: I'm not completely useless, you know. It's all in here.
[points to her head
: It's with someone called... it's gone.
: What you gonna do? Patsy
: Don't question me.
: I had to, darling. They had to go. Patsy
: Hi sweetie. Eddie
: Hello darling.
: [phone rings
] Hello? Eddie
: Saffy, it's me. Listen... Darling, I'm in the isolation tank in my bathroom. Don't leave the house without telling me. Alright? I'm going to see if I can last another fifteen minutes. Saffron
: A call came through for Patsy, but I couldn't find her. Eddie
: Alright. Okay.
: There's a call come through for you Pats. Patsy
: I'd better go, Eddy.
: Is champers all right with you, Pats? Patsy
: Lovely, sweetie.
: Now, Pats, shall we finish off the Beluga or should we have some smoked salmon nibbly things? Patsy
: Oh, whatever sweetie. Eddie
: All right, we'll finish off the Beluga.
: Well, shall we have a bitch through "Hello!" magazine and the "Enquirer"? Eddie
: Oh... no... Patsy
: Come, on, sweetie. Catherine Oxenberg, Liz Taylor, Khashoggi, Shahpari Khashoggi, darling. All that money and she's still got a moustache. Oh, sweetie, one more facelift on this one and she'll have a beard. And darling, why do we think Pricilla Presley wears gloves? Eddie
: Oh, I don't know. Patsy
: Liver spots, sweetie. Don't you remember?
: [about Saffy
] Don't let her talk to you like that, Eddy. Tell her she's adopted.
: [seeing Saffron
] Oh, my God, there's something horrible on the stairs. Saffron
: It's me. Patsy
: I'm not blind. Saffron
: What are those pills? Patsy
: Don't question me. Saffron
: Mum? Eddie
: Darling, they're just hormones, so I can breast feed the Romanians when they come.
: You want to hear a new joke, darling? Eddie
: Oh, yeah. Patsy
: It's not in very good taste. Eddie
: No. Patsy
: The thing is this... You know Elizabeth Taylor? Eddie
: Mmm... Patsy
: Well, I hear that she is the new ride at Disney World.
: [to Saffie
] Oh, you little bitch troll from hell! You mean, ungrateful, little bit of dirt! You think you've had it so hard. I never had the things you had when I was born. Saffron
: Oh, here we go. Patsy
: I never had friends or parties or presents. Ya know? The first few years of my life I was just locked in a room!
: [to Saffie
] I resent you! Edina
: [Trying to calm Patsy
] No you don't. Patsy
: Yes I do. I hate you! Just when my life hit a good patch, along you came, you miserable piece of flesh. You should've ended up in the dust bin! The incinerator was too good for you! You know, when I heard that Eddie was pregnant, I told her to abort! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT! I said "Chuck it down the pan!". I said "Bring me..." Saffron
] A knitting needle? Patsy
] A knitting needle! Saffron
: [Saffie slaps Patsy's face
: My mother didn't give birth. She had something removed!
: [to Saffy
] From the day you were born, I *knew* I wanted you... I did! Mummy wanted you, sweetie! Patsy
: However, the day after...
: God, I hate Morgan Fairchild. Patsy
: I hate Jane bloody Fonda. Eddie
: I hope all their old skin comes back to haunt them. Patsy
: I bought that bloody woman's tapes. I paid for those plastic domes on her chest. I want them when she dies. Eddie
: You know, there must be a moment, about a week after death, when all those women finally achieve the figure they desire. Patsy
: Skeleton thin with plastic bumps. Eddie
: The flesh will rot away, but the bumps will still be there. Little coffins full of bones and bumps. Patsy
] They say our love won't pay the rent... Eddie
: I'm Cher, Patsy. I'm doing the Cher bit.
] Wheels on fire, rolling down the road / Best notify my next of kin, this wheel shall explode. Patsy
: Mash potato. Watch out, darling.
] I can't get no... satisfaction.
: I use to dream of lovely families. Eddie
: You had a family! Saffie
: I lived with you and that piece of flint! You dragged me up! I've lived in such worlds I should have known nothing about! Worlds with no morals and no responsibilities! And not just glimpsed- you took my face with your four hands and pushed it up against the window! Patsy
: We should have pushed it through!
: [to Eddie
] You burnt and scared my best friend! Patsy
: Who? Eddie
: Titicaca. Patsy
: Oh. Saffie
: Her name is Sarah! Eddie
: Darling, she was standing with her little pigtails too close to a candle! Patsy
: Act of God! Saffie
: You were holding the candle!
: You don't want to put on two pieces of Elastroplast and shove in some dental floss and call it an outfit... You don't wanna WHAP your fanny out of the prim! Just slither your tits out of the back of a taxi, I mean they're just mags, sweetheart. They're just mags. They're just receycled snaps. They come up again and again. They just recatagorise them, SHOVE them up their arse, VOMIT them up...
[Patsy describes her sister, Jackie
: She is there, behind the rich and powerful... beside the rich and powerful... *under* the rich and powerful.
: She's got me in this moral dilemma. Eddie
: Pats... Patsy
: Yes, Eddy? Eddie
: You have no morals, darling.
: Get your face and your...
: hair away from me. Saffie
: My hair is not anywhere near you! Patsy
: Your face hair.
: No Twiggy, we want to go with you for this. We could've gotten Kylie, but we know you have more class. You don't need to parade around with a pair of gold lame hot pants wedged up your chocolate starfish to make an impression. Saffron
: What's happened to your face? Edina
: Darling, she's just had a bit of the botox. Patsy
: No, it's not botox. It's "parralox." Saffron
: You look like a zombie. Edina
: She still has emotions, you know. She just doesn't have to pay for them in wrinkles. Patsy
: I'm happy about that, can't you tell? Edina
: No. Patsy
: Money well spent.
: [standing in Eddie's kitchen
] Ooh, Val D'Isere... Val D'Isere... Uh... Who was Val D'Isere, Pats? Patsy
: Val, Val... Valerie D'Isere, darling. French film star.
: And for lunch, sweetheart, for Christmas lunch, who comes to that? Saffron
: Well, there's me and John... Patsy
: Is he from Gabon? Edina
: What? Patsy
: Is he from Gabon? Edina
: Gabon? Patsy
: Yes, is he from Gabon? Edina
: Why are you saying that... Patsy
: Gabon. Edina
: Will you stop saying that! Patsy
: Will you ask her if he's from the Gabon. Edina
] Is he from Gabon? Saffron
: NO! Edina
: No, he's not from Gabon, so shut up!
: Is that your daughter downstairs? Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: Did you see her? Plum Berkeley
: A bit fat, isn't she? Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: She's not fat, she's pregnant. Patsy Stone
: Yes, well anyway... Plum Berkeley
: By that big black guy? Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: What? Plum Berkeley
: Is she pregnant by that big black guy? Patsy Stone
: Shut up, Plum, just salute the sun! Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: Pats? Patsy Stone
: No, Eddie. Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: He's Black?
[visions of a mixed-race toddler dance through Edina's head
] Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: I'm gonna have a mixed-race baby! I'm gonna have a mixed-race baby, darling! Patsy Stone
: It doesn't make any difference, it's still a baby! Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: It makes a difference, darling, a mixed-race baby is the finest accessory a person in my position could ever have, sweetheart! Oh, my God, it's the must-have of the season! It's the CHANEL of babies!
: [to Eddy
] Darling, darling, do think it's time for a little collagen? Plumping? Saffron
: It'll take more than collagen to fill your face. Patsy
: It's just a little plumping. Saffron
: How many whales will have to die to fill those crevices? Patsy
: It's just a little filling! Saffron
: If you pull out the whaling fleet they may not be able to cope with the demands. Edina
: [to Saffy
] Sweetheart, just a little filling. Saffron
: Mountaineers have died falling into shallower raveens than your wrinkles. Edina
: Oh, shut up!
: [to the MO group members
] Come on sisters. We're getting nowhere.
: My name is Jobo, and I'm happy to be having the menopause.
[group members clap for her
: I have hot flashes and cramps, and sometimes when I sneeze, I pee. Beth De Woodi
: [stands up
] Beth De Woodi. The sands of time are trickling through my hour glass! Patsy Stone
: [raising her hand
] Patsy Stone. I hope you're wearing thick underpants!
: [Waiting for private concert to begin
] So Mark, do you like Jeanne Duran? Mark Kermode
: Yeah I think I first fell in love with her bouche. Patsy
: [Startled and nonplussed, misunderstanding the French
] You've seen her bush? Mark Kermode
: Of course. Patsy
: I thought you were a happily married man
: Eddy, you know your stomach's like a dog that doesn't know when it's going to be fed next. It just hangs around until you want to kick it.