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: Oh, God! Oh, sweetie!
[burglar alarm starts wailing
: Oh, God! Saff! Darling!
[Saffron turns off the alarm
: [explaining how to turn it off
] Zero, zero, zero, enter. Edina
: Stupid little thing... Saffron
: I made it the simplest number possible, so that even a fool could remember it, but I overestimated you again. Edina
: Well, what's the point of it, if it's just going to make a bloody racket all the time? Saffron
: It's supposed to. Edina
: I wouldn't care if someone came and took all the furniture, darling. I can get it back on the insurance. I can't get a perforated eardrum back from insurance, can I, sweetie? Saffron
: Look, I've got to go and call the central station and let them know my mother has the memory span of a fruit fly. And then I need to speak to you. Edina
: Oh, darling! Yes, speak to me, sweetie. I'm shaking in my boots, darling.
: What are you smirking at? Do you think this is funny? Edina
: Oh... Funny what, darling? Funny ha-ha-ha? Saffron
: You might have rung and let me know what you were doing. Edina
: I was too busy doing it, darling. What's the matter? Are you jealous? Saffron
: No, worried. Edina
: Oh, worried about me having some fun? Well, I was darling. Bloody great, bloody fun, alright? Patsy
: Ask her who with? Saffron
: Who with? Edina
: Jean-Pierre. Patsy
: That bastard! You didn't tell me he was around. Edina
: Oh. I sort of ran into him by accident, darling. He's over here directing a new video for a hip-rave-rap... band, darling. Patsy
: I thought we were going out.
: Thanks to you, I had to spend the whole evening alone in this house with Helena Bonham Carter, here! I'm going back to bed. There's no point in me being up at this hour.
[gets a bottle of scotch
: Helps me to sleep. Edina
: Yeah. Saffron
: Back in your coffin. Edina
: Darling! Patsy's an insomniac, sweetie. Saffron
: More like the living dead. Edina
: Oooh! Oooh! Saffron
: [about Patsy
] How long is she here for? Edina
: I don't know. How long are you here for? Saffron
: How long? Edina
: Well, until her flat has been fumigated, darling. She can't live in it breathing fumes all day, can she? Saffron
: Why not? I thought sniffing chemicals was what she did best. I'm surprised she's not up there already with a straw stuck up her nose. She should try it, you know. It might actually be the one substance that makes her socially acceptable. Edina
: Darling, it would kill her! Saffron
: Exactly! Edina
: A few hormones, talking there, haven't we, sweetie? Huh?
: So, Jean-Pierre... Edina
: Yeah, yeah! Saffron
: Is he over long? Edina
: Well, it sort of depends on me, you know, darling. He sort of made it very clear last night that he was very well re-smitten. If you know what I mean? Saffron
: Did you...? Edina
: Of course, darling. I know it's been a long time for me, but it must be like riding a bicycle, really. It's something you never forget. Saffron
: Well, I hope... Edina
: Very careful, darling, yes! The whole packet! Saffron
: Mum! Edina
: Well... Once you've brushed off the cobwebs, there's no stopping me. Saffron
: Oh, please. I don't want to know. Edina
: Well, darling. You asked the question. No point getting all umphy about it now, is there? Anything else you'd like to know, sweetie? Saffron
: No, thank you.
: I know it's a sensitive issue with someone your age, darling. And a bit embarassed to talk about it, aren't you, sweetie? Mm? My analyst says that I should let you sort it out in your own time, and everything. But Jesus Christ, darling! Not one bloody boyfriend in the whole time that I've known you! I mean, you're not that bloody ugly! What's the matter with you? Huh? Have you read that "Karma Sutra" I gave you? No! That Dutch cap has only ever seen the light of day. I mean, God! Here I am, your mother, poised for your first sexual experience and night after night, dry bloody sheets! I'm sorry, darling, but I don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter, so do something about it! Unless of course... Saffron
: Mum, don't! Edina
: Well, darling... Saffron
: Mum, please! Edina
: Unless of course... Unless of course you're gay, darling. Saffron
: Mum! Edina
: Sweetie! Are you darling? You can tell me, sweetie. Are you darling? Saffron
: Yes, I'm gay. Edina
: Oh, hoorah!
: Well done, darling, well done! Saffron
: I'm glad it makes you happy, but actually, I'm not. Edina
: What? Saffron
: I'm not gay!
[Edina looks disappointed
: Sorry. Edina
: Oh! Break it to me like that, why don't you? Yes... I suppose it's not your fault, really, is it? Just your old mother clutching at straws. Trying to find one exotic, interesting feature about you, but there we are.
: Are you going to the office? Edina
: Yeah, I have to sort out a few things about the shop, darling. It's going very well, by the way. I've got gorgeous things coming in from Kashmir, Afghanistan, Albania... I've got blankets and rugs coming in from Ethiopia. Dirt cheap, darling, honestly. And some of those lip plates from dead Amazonian Indians. I thought we could sell them as ashtrays.
[Saffron looks appalled
: Don't look at me like that, darling. We do take the lip off, you know! Honestly, sweetie... I've got some lovely cooking pots coming in from Somalia. I mean, they don't need them. They've got no food to put in them at all. And also, sweetie, best news of all time, darling. Patsy
: Yes? Edina
: You know those villages that were deserted by the Kurds? Patsy
: Yes. Edina
: I bought the entire contents. Patsy
: Oh, well done, Eddy! Edina
: I know, I know, the trucks are moving in. Saffron
: Coups, revolutions and disasters, they're all bargain basements to you! Edina
: Oh, darling! They're happy camping.
: What are you doing today, Pats? Saffron
: I hope she's not lolling around the house again. Edina
: Will you shut up? Will you just shut up? I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my friend. Is that alright? God, it's like living with a chronically-depressed budgerigar, living with you. Shut up! Pats? Patsy
: I'm going in to my office. Edina
: Your... Patsy
: ...Office. Edina
: Office? The magazine, darling? Is that still there? Patsy
: Of course it is. There's a little meeting, you know. So I've got to go, you know. About ten minutes. Saffron
: What do you do? Edina
: Darling! Patsy is one of the top fashion editors in a top magazine. Patsy
: Director. Edina
: Executive Fashion Director. Saffron
: But she's never at work. Patsy
: I am always at work. Edina
: Yes, thanks to our friend, Mr. Mobile Telephone. Anyway, Patsy's got that job for life. Saffron
: [about Patsy's job
] You don't mean to say she's actually good at something? Edina
: No, darling. She slept with the publisher. Patsy
: ...And I'm bloody good at it! Edina
: Bloody good at it!
: So, what does a fashion director do? Edina
: Oh, darling! She get's a fifty per cent discount at Harvey Nicks. Patsy
: It's not only that. There is work involved. You know, skill. Edina
: Yeah, of course there is. Patsy
: I... I decide what goes in the magazine. Edina
: Yeah. Patsy
: You know, one snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high, that the world is your gynaecologist. Edina
: Exactly. You get lots of free champagne, don't you? Patsy
: Yeah. I direct... Edina
: The fashion. Yeah. You get lots of little free goodies, little things, you get. Saffron
: You two have never had to pay for anything! Have you? Edina
: I paid for you, darling. Patsy
: A hundred times over!
: What are you doing tonight, Pats? Patsy
: Seeing the publisher again. You know, just to be sure. Edina
: Darling, even Amanda de Cadenet would remember the word "accessories".
: [talking to Eddy
] Look, I just don't want you to make a horrible mistake again. Edina
: What do you mean? Patsy
: Darling, I'm your best friend. And let's be honest: Your taste in men is famously bad. You know, sweetie, I've had to save you from two disastrous marriages, and some ghastly pathetic affairs you might nearly have had.
: [Edina had an overdose of parralox and cannot speak coherently, nor move her facial muscles, so she seems spastic
] Dududu... bbblll... ggggllll... bllllggugguuuu...! Labour Party Man
] Oh my god! What's the matter with her? Edina
: Gggglll... doodoo... ggggllll... Oooo... gggggg! Saffron
: She always does this!
[smacks her, revolted
: She does it for attention!
: No Twiggy, we want to go with you for this. We could've gotten Kylie, but we know you have more class. You don't need to parade around with a pair of gold lame hot pants wedged up your chocolate starfish to make an impression. Saffron
: What's happened to your face? Edina
: Darling, she's just had a bit of the botox. Patsy
: No, it's not botox. It's "parralox." Saffron
: You look like a zombie. Edina
: She still has emotions, you know. She just doesn't have to pay for them in wrinkles. Patsy
: I'm happy about that, can't you tell? Edina
: No. Patsy
: Money well spent.
: [to Saffie
] I resent you! Edina
: [Trying to calm Patsy
] No you don't. Patsy
: Yes I do. I hate you! Just when my life hit a good patch, along you came, you miserable piece of flesh. You should've ended up in the dust bin! The incinerator was too good for you! You know, when I heard that Eddie was pregnant, I told her to abort! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT! I said "Chuck it down the pan!". I said "Bring me..." Saffron
] A knitting needle? Patsy
] A knitting needle! Saffron
: [Saffie slaps Patsy's face
: And for lunch, sweetheart, for Christmas lunch, who comes to that? Saffron
: Well, there's me and John... Patsy
: Is he from Gabon? Edina
: What? Patsy
: Is he from Gabon? Edina
: Gabon? Patsy
: Yes, is he from Gabon? Edina
: Why are you saying that... Patsy
: Gabon. Edina
: Will you stop saying that! Patsy
: Will you ask her if he's from the Gabon. Edina
] Is he from Gabon? Saffron
: NO! Edina
: No, he's not from Gabon, so shut up!
: Is that your daughter downstairs? Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: Did you see her? Plum Berkeley
: A bit fat, isn't she? Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: She's not fat, she's pregnant. Patsy Stone
: Yes, well anyway... Plum Berkeley
: By that big black guy? Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: What? Plum Berkeley
: Is she pregnant by that big black guy? Patsy Stone
: Shut up, Plum, just salute the sun! Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: Pats? Patsy Stone
: No, Eddie. Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: He's Black?
[visions of a mixed-race toddler dance through Edina's head
] Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: I'm gonna have a mixed-race baby! I'm gonna have a mixed-race baby, darling! Patsy Stone
: It doesn't make any difference, it's still a baby! Edina 'Eddy' Monsoon
: It makes a difference, darling, a mixed-race baby is the finest accessory a person in my position could ever have, sweetheart! Oh, my God, it's the must-have of the season! It's the CHANEL of babies!
: [to Eddy
] Darling, darling, do think it's time for a little collagen? Plumping? Saffron
: It'll take more than collagen to fill your face. Patsy
: It's just a little plumping. Saffron
: How many whales will have to die to fill those crevices? Patsy
: It's just a little filling! Saffron
: If you pull out the whaling fleet they may not be able to cope with the demands. Edina
: [to Saffy
] Sweetheart, just a little filling. Saffron
: Mountaineers have died falling into shallower raveens than your wrinkles. Edina
: Oh, shut up!
: I was taken up, up to Heaven, and I spoke with God Saffron
: What about? Edina
: Well, shopping mainly
: Your t**s are the key to your cage, darling.
: [about Jackie
] I can't believe what that woman said to me! Edina
: Yeah, well, she is witty, I'll give her that. Saffron
: What gives her the right to treat people like that, Mum? Edina
: She's thin!
: I'd just once like to take my clothes off and not be marked by them...