Thomas Magnum
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Quotes for
Thomas Magnum (Character)
from "Magnum, P.I." (1980)

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"Magnum, P.I.: Memories Are Forever (#2.5)" (1981)
TC: [slowly and with emphasis] Why hasn't she contacted you?
Magnum: Well, it would all have been pretty traumatic, maybe she has amnesia.
TC: Oh come on, you believe that?
Magnum: No! But it's possible!
TC: It's also possible that I might hook up with Diana Ross, but I ain't counting on it.

Rick: I would like to propose a toast... to the luckiest couple in Saigon. Me and TC.
[Magnum laughst hysterically]
TC: Say what?
[laugh nonetheless]
Rick: No I mean it, we are the last of the bachelors. Everyone else we know is married.
TC: Orville, I've heard you say some dumb things in my life, but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say.
Magnum: No, I think that's a good toast, TC, I'll drink to that.
Michelle: Eh, you'll drink to anything.
Rick: You see, you've only been married three hours and already she's cuttin' ya up on the booze.

Higgins: Magnum, I don't know if you're pulling my leg as yanks put it, or not. But you are acting frightfully strange.
Magnum: Strange?
Higgins: Yes. You're being nice.
Magnum: I'm sorry Higgins, I didn't know that was bad.
Higgins: Well with anyone else it wouldn't be, but with you, one must be suspicious.
Magnum: Well, I will try and revert to type.
Higgins: Please. You're upsetting our relationship. Being nice makes me... quite uncomfortable.

Magnum: [Rick has grabbed a small Vietnamese boy] Rick, what the hell are you doing?
Rick: While you were biddyboppin' around, little Victor Charlie here has been right on your tail.
Magnum: What?
Rick: That's right.
[the kid makes a break for it but Rick grabs him once more]
Magnum: Will you let him go?
TC: Hey hey, he's right, man. We spotted him awhile back.

Magnum: That little turkey stole my wallet!

Magnum: We lost the war, Buck. It was over.
Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC: That war's never over.

Magnum: [narrating] There are times you know the worst has happened without anyone telling you. My heart was racing, my palms were beginning to sweat. I knew my nightmare was beginning again. Only this time, I was wide awake.

Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC: What do you know about the Tiger?
Magnum: [pointing a gun at Buck] Not much, but you're gonna brief me.
Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC: I can't do that, Tom.
Magnum: Oh shucks, Buck, why not?
Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC: Rules are rules.
Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC: Yeah, 'an eye for an eye' is my favorite one.


"Magnum, P.I.: Tropical Madness (#2.6)" (1981)
Magnum: [narrating] When I write my book on how to be a world class private investigator, I'm going to include two rules on how to tail a car. The first is: when you choose a nondescript car for tailing, don't pick one so nondescript it's obvious. The guys following my new friend were so unnoticable it was like they had a red flag on the hood. The second rule is: don't get so busy tailing you forget to look behind you. These yo-yos had no idea I was behind them.

Higgins: Magnum, you are clad only in your undershorts.
Magnum: Of course I am.
Higgins: Even for you I find that just a trifle casual.

Magnum: The rumba? Who does the rumba today?
Rick: Nobody since José Iturbi quit doing movies.

Magnum: Come on Higgins, just let me call the police will ya? I'll phone Scotland Yard, they'll run a routine check. Come on Higgins, just say something, please!
Higgins: Magnum, you will do us the kindness of going to the devil.

Jennifer: You won't be apprehensive if I just reload?
Magnum: Oh no, not at all. I'm American, remember? We're supposed to catch bullets in our teeth.

[Higgins has just said farewell to Jennifer]
Magnum: You know Higgins, that was a bit of alright.
Higgins: Don't hand me that wretched understatement, I was bloody marvelous.

Higgins: These bully boys, exactly what do they look like?
Magnum: One of them was a sumo wrestler...
[Magnum lowers his voice, embarrassed to tell the rest]
Magnum: ...the other was a midget or a dwarf.
Higgins: What?
Magnum: [raises his voice angrily] A midget or a dwarf!
Higgins: [raises his eyebrows] Really? No bearded ladies, trapeze artists? Where was the rest of the circus?


"Magnum, P.I.: From Moscow to Maui (#2.4)" (1981)
Yuri Dolgof: You're a private investigator?
Magnum: Yes.
[laughs amiably while drying his hair with a towel]
Yuri Dolgof: You are wearing a swimsuit.
Magnum: Don't worry, I got a whole closet full of pants.

Magnum: Remember I told ya I didn't like getting egg on my face? Well right now, I'm wearing a whole omelet.

Magnum: Oh, come on, TC, is it too much to ask to get my slides right side up?
TC: Not a problem, not a problem, not to worry. I forgot what a nasty C.O. you can be...

Magnum: [attempting to bribe the house detective] Look, couldn't we settle this with a little green piece of paper, you know the kind with Andrew Jackson's picture on it?


"Magnum, P.I.: Mad Buck Gibson (#2.8)" (1981)
Magnum,: [narrating] You know, there's some quotations that would make good rules to live by. For instance: never drive behind an old man wearing a hat, or another: it's always brightest just before the storm. If I'd remembered that one, I'd really have been on my guard, because the afternoon it all started, was a truly beautiful day.

Magnum: [reading Buck's note] Sorry for the grief, pal, I'm taking off for Asgard. Tell Joan she's a brick, Buck.
Joan Gibson: Oh, the vanity.
Magnum: Where is Asgard?
Joan Gibson: Not where, Magnum, what. Asgard is Norse mythology. It's the home of slain heroes.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III: I just said I understood. It's like my friends and I when we remember Vietnam. It was so terrible there, I don't think there's any words to describe it, and yet...
Joan Gibson: You were never more alive.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum III: ...Well, it's not that we're old. It's just that we're not young anymore.


"Magnum, P.I.: The Taking of Dick McWilliams (#2.9)" (1981)
Magnum: You know, you're really something. You may nog like Dick, but he's your daughter's husband.
Nishimoto: That is not a marriage I approved.
Magnum: So you torture her? When she's scared and in pain?
[Nishimoto turns to his daughter and speaks in Japanese]
Nishimoto: [shouting] Speak English!

Magnum: [narrating] I felt lower than someone who beats up little puppies.

TC: Thirteen? You expect me to hop over all thirteen of these islands?
Magnum: That's the name of your service isn't it, Island Hoppers?
TC: Yeah, I'm thinking about changing it to Magnum's taxi service!


"Magnum, P.I.: Legacy from a Friend (#3.18)" (1983)
[while Magnum walks about in the market and asks questions about Marcus, Rose's henchwomen Crystal and Sylvia approach him. Sylvia threatens Magnum with a pocketknife. They take him to an abandoned warehouse]
Magnum: This is not where my car is parked. Alright, girls, you want to tell me what's going on? I mean, if this is a robbery, I got about eight bucks.
[Crystal throws her handbag on the floor]
Magnum: [to Sylvia] Here, you want my watch? It cost about $ 17.95 at the...
[Sylvia folds the pocketknife and puts it away. Crystal gives a battle-cry and kicks Magnum in the face]
Magnum: C'mon!
[Sylvia kicks Magnum in the chest and strikes on his neck. Magnum is thrown against the wall]
Magnum: That's enough! Never hit a woman before in my...
[Magnum gets another kick in the face from Crystal]
Crystal, Rose's henchwoman: [smiles viciously] Maybe it's about time you suddenly started, before it's too late...
Magnum: That's it!
[Magnum gets up and charges. Crystal gives another battle-cry. She and Sylvia kick and beat Magnum severely, until he is down. Crystal approaches him]
Crystal, Rose's henchwoman: See, Rose doesn't like anybody snooping in this territory. Do you understand?
[Tracy enters]
Tracy Spencer: Freeze! Police!
[Crystal and Sylvia run to the back door, finding it locked. Crystal kicks it open, and they escape. Tracy approaches Magnum]
Tracy Spencer: Are you alright?
Magnum: Why didn't pull you your gun?
Tracy Spencer: [embarrassed] Because it got stuck... in my make-up case.
[Magnum sighs]

[at the mansion, Tracy is treating Magnum's bruised face with cold compresses]
Tracy Spencer: You know, I mean this in the very best sort of way, but have you ever considered taking a self-defense course?
Magnum: They were women!
Tracy Spencer: That's my point... poor thing.
[Tracy absently presses the compresses to her face. Higgins walks in]
Higgins: Oh, good, Magnum, you're here because...
Higgins: [to Tracy] Good lord, are you alright?
Tracy Spencer: Oh no, I'm fine.
Magnum: [angrily] Is SHE alright? Is she alright? Higgins, look at my body!
Higgins: I'm not blind, Magnum. I can see that you look like bloody hell. Actually though, this is a minor beating compared to some you've taken. On a relative scale, it merely counts as a "dusting up". I remember doing my first tour of duty in India...
[as usual, Higgins launches into one of his boring stories, this time about his first trip to India]


"Magnum, P.I.: Did You See the Sun Rise? (#3.1)" (1982)
Magnum: It was all planned, back at Duc Hue?
Ivan: Not specifics, not even target. Just trigger.
Magnum: How many others are out there like T.C.?
Ivan: You are still a schoolboy, Thomas, using schoolboy tricks.
Magnum: [shakes his head] No tricks. Who's next on your hit list, Begin? Thatcher? Reagan?
Ivan: I have a plane to catch. If you are going to shoot me, do it now.
[Magnum doesn't do anything]
Ivan: You won't. You can't. I know you, Thomas. I had you for three months at Doc Hue. I know you better than your mother. Your sense of... honor and fair play. Oh, you could shoot me - if I was armed and coming after you. But like this - Thomas... never. Goodbye, Thomas. Do svidaniya.
[Ivan tosses his cigarette and starts to walk away]
Magnum: Ivan?
Ivan: [stops] Yes?
Magnum: Did you see the sun rise this morning?
Ivan: Yes. Why?
[Magnum turns around and shoots Ivan]

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III: Did you see the sunrise this morning?
Ivan: Yes, why?
[Magnum spins around and fires at Ivan]


"Magnum, P.I.: Computer Date (#2.13)" (1982)
Higgins: I say did someone die?
Magnum: What?
Higgins: You're almost wearing a suit. should think the only occasion in which you would do that would be a funeral.


"Magnum, P.I.: Mac's Back (#5.3)" (1984)
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Whadya do for a living? Rip off the Navy Relief Fund? Hold high-stakes poker games and leave guys like me holding the bag?
Jim Bonig: I took the bag.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: You know what I mean!


"Magnum, P.I.: Resolutions: Part I (#8.12)" (1988)
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: [last line of the series] Magnum, remember what I told you about Robin Masters?
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Yeah?
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: I lied.
[smiles]


"Magnum, P.I.: Of Sound Mind (#3.12)" (1983)
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: [Magnum is "playing" the saxophone] Magnum... Magnum!... Magnum!
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Hi, Higgins!
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: How fiendishly deceptive of you, Magnum. I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent. To my great surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Cute, Higgins, real cute.
[plays sax again]
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: Why, Magnum? Why do this terrible thing?
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Higgins, I'll have you know I was very good. I was the second best sax player in my High School band.
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: Well, how many sax players were there?
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to try and get my chops back.
Jonathan Quayle Higgins III: May I suggest that your "chops" are irretrievable.
Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV: Higgins, did you come here just to abuse me?


"Magnum, P.I.: Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii (#1.1)" (1980)
Thomas Sullivan Magnum III: [angrily confronting his former superior officer] What's all this crap about Dan Cook smuggling coke?


"Magnum, P.I.: Who Is Don Luis Higgins... and Why Is He Doing These Terrible Things to Me? (#6.18)" (1986)
Magnum: [Unsure if he's speaking to the real Higgins] Tell me a story. The Gunga Din story.
Higgins: For God's sake, Magnum, this is hardly the time...
Magnum: If you're Higgins any time is the time, the Gunga Din story, NOW!
Higgins: [Fuming] Malaysia, 1943, our regiment was hopelessly outnumbered and facing certain death. In our ranks was a young lieutenant, Ian Bowerly, and during a lull in the battle, he recited "Gunga Din," I suppose to keep up our courage for facing the inevitable. His eloquent recitation grew increasingly louder until it thundered through the jungle. To our amazement, the Japanese troops walked forward. Though they spoke no English, they were entranced by the poem. They allowed us all to leave the area unharmed except for poor Mr. Bowerly. As we made our escape we could hear him reciting other Kipling favorites, literally for miles. To this day his fate remains unknown.
Magnum: Thank you. I believe your half-brother is going to assassinate the president of Costa de Rosa.


"Magnum, P.I.: Limited Engagement (#4.5)" (1983)
TC: Pickled egg, please.
Magnum: TC, no! C'mon, can't you come up with another joke? I mean, three days in a row? Besides, you know I hate to fish those stinky things out. I HATE 'em!
TC: Pickled egg, please.


"Magnum, P.I.: Operation: Silent Night (#4.10)" (1983)
Thomas Sullivan Magnum III: What out for that centipede!
Orville 'Rick' Wright: [yelling] What centipede?
Theodore 'TC' Calvin: The one next to the lizard.
Orville 'Rick' Wright: [yelling] What lizard?