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: This isn't over, Qwark! Captain Qwark
: No, but will be soon...
: Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! Who are you? Mercenaries? Torturers? Assassins? I'll tell you anything! Here, take my infobot, it's all I got left. Clank
: Sir, we're not assass... Ratchet
: Hold on, let's see what he's got.
: Anyway I'm having trouble getting back to my ship...
[sees Sand Sharks
] Skid McMarx
: er... due to my sprained ankle. Ratchet
: [to a robo Qwark
] Excuse me captain, but we have more pressing issues. We urgently need your assistance. Ratchet
: Clank? Clank
: Yes? Ratchet
: Do you notice anything unusual about Captain Qwark? Clank
: Well I find the fact that he has a spring where his legs should be to be quite puzzling. Ratchet
: And why do you think that is? Clank
: Possibly an injury occurred while battling evil? Ratchet
: This is't the real Captain Qwark, you numskull! It's a robot!
: I'm supposed to give you a Svingshot, so you can svay to and fro like little insects! Ratchet
: All right, let's see it. Helga
: Not so fast! Today the two of you disgraced my obstacle course, so I am going to make you pay! Clank
: But that prize is ours from the captain. That's not fair. Helga
: Too bad, life's not fair.
: RYNO for your robot - trade ya. Ratchet
: Well... okay! Clank
: Ratchet! Ratchet
: Just kidding, he's not for sale. And what's a RYNO anyway? R.Y.N.O. Salesman
: Rip Ya a New One. Ratchet
: What did you just say to me? R.Y.N.O. Salesman
: R-Y-N-O - Rip Ya a New One. Clank
: Why, that's the most powerful missile launcher in the galaxy! I heard that it's worth a lot of bolts! He must have stolen it from the Blarg! R.Y.N.O. Salesman
: Stolen? Look Trash Can, did I says anything about it being hot? Listen, you'd better watch your mouth or I'll... Ratchet
: Wait, don't tell me - Rip Ya a New One.
: Hey hey hey! Press conference is over! Captain Qwark don't want no more reporters bugging him in his trailer! Ratchet
: Oh... you see, my friend and I need to speak to the Captain about a matter of galactic security. Bouncer
: You mean you and your walking camera? You paparazzi make me sick! Now beat it! Clank
: But sir, I'm sure that Captain Qwark will understand once we... Bouncer
: No, no, save it. I know how it works. You convince me to let you in. You snap a picture of the captain in his underpants. Ratchet
: ...underpants? Bouncer
: Then, you sell the picture to the Info-Tabloids for a million bolts! Ratchet
: You got it all wrong! Bouncer
: Meanwhile, I'm stuck here making six bolts an hour and I have to listen to a lecture from that cheapskate Qwark! So you don't get in unless I get a kickback, in advance!
: Well, well, well. Looks like he's good for something after all. Here, take this. Ratchet
: What is it? Waterworker
: It detects underground bolts. My grandfather designed it to suck up loose change on any planet in the galaxy. What a cheap old man he was...
: Uh... hi? This is Ratchet for... uh... Gadgetron hoverboards. And if you... um... Clank
: Yo dudes. For the freshest boards in the galaxy, check out the new XZ88, from Gadgetron! It's so hot, it's cool! Gadgetron CEO
: I think I got the wrong guy... that was... um... something...
Ultimate Supreme Executive Drek
: So, it has come to this. Once I step on this ignition switch a countdown will commence, the end of which signals the destruction of your pitiful world. Clank
: There must be another way to make a home for your people. Ultimate Supreme Executive Drek
: You think that's what this is about? Who do you think polluted our last world? I did. This is about one thing and one thing only - cash, and lots of it! You see, I've been paid for every square inch of my new world. Once the inhabitants move in, I will begin polluting this world as well, then the whole thing starts all over again. Ah, brilliant. Clank
: Why you... you... evil little...
[the timer starts
: Save it Clank. We have to stop that timer.
: Hey, look Plumbers Crack! Waterworker
: What did you just say? Ratchet
: I said er... look the Plumbers back! Waterworker
: All right wise guy, shouldn't you be on one of them escape transports? Ratchet
: Escape transports? Waterworker
: Newsflash! Giant robots attacking! The escape transports are taking all the rich people of this darn dog planet. Ratchet
: So why aren't you on one? Waterworker
: Two words: Socioeconomic disparity.
: Er I wonder what that infobot is for? Ratchet
: Maybe it can replace you.
: Hey, you're that robot guy aren't you? Big Al
: Actually I build robots. I myself am not actually a robot guy, per se. Ratchet
: [to Clank
] What a nerd. Clank
: I like him.
: [to little robots, with appropriate mime
] Have you seen any masked weirdoes?
: [breaks wind
] Whoops! Sounds like I just blew another vacuum tube! Ratchet
: Should I take a look? Gadgetron Matron
: You young people are so fresh nowadays!
: Welcome back to "Behind the Hero", tonight's heroes are the duo who recently restored peace and order to our galaxy: Ratchet & Clank. So gentlemen tell us about your latest incredible adventures. Ratchet
: Well as you can image, we've been pretty busy: After Drek's defeat there were parades, press conferences, fancy dress balls... Clank
: ...and the wiener roast at Al's. Ratchet
: Oh yeah that, and then things started to slow down a bit. After that we... well... Clank
: There was the grand opening at "Groovy Lube". Ratchet
: Right. I think that was, last week. Clank
: Six months ago. Ratchet
: We're still pretty busy, but in a more, uh, domestic sense. Clank
: Yesterday I flushed out my radiator core. Ratchet
: I guess... no one needs a hero right now.
The Unknown Thief
: I see it's time to update my security forces. Ratchet
: Woa-hoho, no, hey, no, no, look, I just here to fix the... trans... flux-er-coil. The Unknown Thief
: Nice try. Give my regards to Megacorp.
: Wow shes got a few bolts loose.
: What does a testing facility have to do with galactic danger?
: [about the Helix-O-Morph
] What do you suppose is wrong with it? Angela
: Oh I don't know, it could take months of research and... Clank
: The battery is backward. Captain Qwark
: Oops. Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Ha! Imbecilic to the very last.
: Nobody, I mean nobody gets by the Mathmatician! Ratchet
] I guess all the good names were taken.
: Welcome! Ratchet
: What the...? Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: I'm Abercrombie Fizzwidget; founder of the Megacorp company in the Bogon galaxy. Ratchet
: Bogon? Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: I'm sorry to incapacitate you, but our entire galaxy is in a very precocious situation. I must humbly request your sustenance, on a mission of dire urgitude. A mission of superfluous peril. A mission of unequizical imperitude. Clank
: Did that make any sense? Ratchet
: So, you need me to go on a dangerous mission, in another galaxy. Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Indubitably. A few days ago this, top secret, biological experiment was stolen from our testing lavatory, by this duplitheros criminal mastermind and I need you to get the experiment back. Ratchet
: We'll do it. Clank
: We will? Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Prank I have precipitated your incalcitrance and made special improvisations for you. We're prepared to give you a job as the head accountant for Megacorp, plus a penthouse suite in lovely Megapolis, and our state of the art robotic masseuse. Clank
: [antenna flashes
] Deal. Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: As for you Ratchet I'll need you in superfitory shape. While in transit to the Bogon galaxy, you'll undergo heavy training and conditioning including: martial arts, heavy weaponry, survival skills, stealth, macrame, ballroom dance and origami.
: Good work my boy, you're proving to be invaluable in this underwear. Any who, it appears the Thief is now under the protection of "Thugs-4-Less", but I may have found a way for you to insinuate their operation. Ratchet
: Is it... dangerous? Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: No, no, no, er, well, ah, actually yes it is.
: Hey, there's Mr. Fizzwidget!
[Fizzwidget hums along to music playing in his ship and lands on top of Ratchet's ship, crushing it and knocking the heroes over with the shockwave
: Uh, what happened? Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Everything's fine, there was just a bit of debris on the landing pad. Clank
: That was our ship. Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Don't worry about it little fella, it's insured. So do you have the er... delivery?
[Clank hands him the experiment
] Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Terrifulous. Come gentlemen, there is precious little time.
[they board the ship
] Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Just sit back and relax boys, how 'bout a little flying music?
[presses the ejection button for the back row
: Aaaah! Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Hello? Ratchet
: Mr Fizzwidget! You're safe! Sir, brace yourself. We just saw a video of your experiment eating its handlers. I repeat, it eats its handlers. Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: [to someone offscreen
] Ah, yes. No fat, extra foam, no sprinkles. Ratchet
: Mr Fizzwidget, do you copy? Anyone handling the experiment must exercise the utmost caution. Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: No, no, decafitated.
] Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: What? Oh, yes, yes: exercise my front-most cushion. Ratchet
: Ugh. Clank
: Sir, your experts recommend that the experiment be liquidated, we will meet you at your deep space disposal facility. Abercrombie Fizzwidget
: Ah, yes: my cheap date proposal facsimile. Its heavily guarded so be sure to use the password. Which is, ah, oh, ah, Qwarktastic, yes. Toodleoo.
: Skidd? What are you doing here? Skidd McMarxx
: My codename is shadow dude bro. Black Ops are my speciality. I figured you guys could use my help. Ratchet
: Err... thanks Shadow Dude but I think we've got this one covered. Skidd McMarxx
: All right... I'll just take my Hacker and go back to ship. Ratchet
: Hacker! Oh well you know on second thoughts, we'd like you to join the mission Shadow Dude. Skidd McMarxx
: Awesome... this is gonna be sick!
: Oh, the little man is cocky now. Perhaps you'd like to meet Helga on the wrestling mat. Let's see how cocky you are, twisted up like a wet noodle. Ratchet
: Maybe next time. Ratchet
: Hah! Pansies.
: Hey, there's Dr. Nefarious. And that butler guy. And they've got Clank. Hey, how about that, they're holding you prisoner... I guess I should be feeling pretty stupid right now. I don't suppose there's any chance you're the evil Clank?
: I thought not.
: Uhh... hi, there, Skidd. Is Sasha there? Skidd McMarxx
: Sasha and Qwark are meeting up with the president, they left me in charge! Ratchet
: And Al? Skidd McMarxx
: He's out for lunch. Ratchet
: Helga? Skidd McMarxx
: In the sauna! Clank
: Qwark's monkey, perhaps?
: Welcome aboard the Phoenix, gentlemen. Ratchet
: Wow! Commander Sasha
: Impressive, isn't she! The Phoenix is the pride of the Galactic fleet. She's equipped with the latest technology, Power deck training suit, auto vendors for armour and weapons, virtual firing range, Starfighter upgrade system and even a Gadgetron VG-9000 games system. Ratchet
: VG-9000! Commander Sasha
: Of course. With a Manex Fireball pro controller, VR headset and a Zero-G dancepad attachment. Ratchet
: Will you marry me?
: Hey, it's Al! Got the shields up yet? Big Al
: Silence! I am concentrating! Ratchet
: What the... that's a Qwark vid-comic! Big Al
: Excuse me... it is a historically accurate interactive graphic novel. Ratchet
: How can you use the cities defense network to play a video game? Big Al
: Simple. I bypass the security server with a 626 hack matrix adaptor and reprocess the graphic subprocessor. Ratchet
: No I mean
: Clank... you speak nerd.
: We can't go without Qwark! He would have waited for us... I think. Klunk
: Good for him.
: [flying toward nerfarious secret base in the shuttle
] shotgun! Ratchet
: Ow! Hey What are you doing? Captain Qwark
: Move over! I'm drving! Ratchet
: Hehe no thanks. Id rather get there in *one piece* Captain Qwark
: Stand down solider! This is your *captin* speaking! Ratchet
: Captin my...
[they fight over the controls
: Dont sit on the flightstick! Captain Qwark
: Emperor Percival Tachyon... Crown Prince of the Cragmites... and... pending the destruction of a few insubordinate species... ruler of the Galaxy! Ratchet
] Your name's Percival! Tachyon
: Emperor! See the Crown? See the Sceptre? The legions of loyal soldiers and special walking chair? Emperor!
: Have you got the stones for a HALO jump? Clank
: I don't understand. What are stones? Do I have them? Ratchet
: I'll explain later and... no.
: Have you been modifying yourself in private? Clank
: Absolutely not. And I do not care much for your tone.
: [after winning another round at the fight festival
] Did you call us here for a reason, or just to get us killed? Qwark
: Can't it be both?
: Get me out of this thing you blag headed frumph monkey! I can barely breath and my tail feels like its shoved right up my...
: Ratchet, you haven't beat me. You're just a half sized rodent that got lucky. Ratchet
: Slow down Ace. Don't embarass yourself. Ace Hardlight
: Embarass? Embarass? I'm Ace Hardlight! Ratchet
: You were a hero once Ace. Ace Hardlight
: Ratchet... don't let Vox do to you what he did to me... you're the hero now.
: Well done Ratchet. The power relays have been destroyed. The station is no longer on lockdown. Ratchet
: Good. Now get on a shuttle and get out of here. Clank
: Sorry Ratchet, but I'm not leaving wothout you.
[Vox knocks Clank aside
] Gleeman Vox
: Will cut out the soppy melodrama before you lose my entire audience. Now I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago... I'm going to give DreadZone fans the finale they always wanted... It's a little one act play I like to call... Death... of A Lombax.
: After making his fortune selling cigarettes to children, Ratchet went on to pilot a tanker to Planet Zexxon. Janice
: Only a week later he got drunk and crashed his tanker on the ocean world of Aquatos. Who can forget the graphic images of baby seals smothered in radioactive waste? Coco the Baby Seal
: Aaah! Janice
: Little Coco, never had a chance. Big Al
: [to Ratchet
] How could you? What did Little Coco ever do to you? Ratchet
: What... what? Clank
: Al, how can you believe these ridiculous lies?
: Space, its huge. So huge in fact, that if you lost your car keys in it, they would be almost impossible to find... Luckily for Ratchet, Captain Copernicus L. Qwark was on the case. His mission, rescue the Lombax's one and only friend. Yep, without Clank Ratchet was alone in the universe. Alone... alone...
[camera pulls back to reveal Qwark sitting next to Ratchet
: ... alone! Ratchet
: You realize this ship has an ejector seat, right? Qwark
: Oh no, we're gonna die! Good thing I'm wearing clean underwear! Ratchet
: Will you shut up? We are not gonna die! Aphelion, engage Grav-o-Metric stabilizers! Aphelion
: Negative. Stabilizers offline. Thrusters offline. Landing flaps offline. Ratchet
: Ok, so we're gonna die.
[Ratchet and Qwark scream
: Whoa... Qwark
: I know, so much for clean underwear.
: Qwark, do you read me? Qwark
: Its good to hear your voice Ratchet. They've got us in these containment cells and- huh? They're coming with food, oh thank heaven they're coming with- Tap water? You animals!
: Got a long line of citations here. Possession of an illegal gravity repulsor? Ratchet
: Oh, that was a misunderstanding. I thought that space pirate was on the level. Brax
: Operation of a black market accelerator? Ratchet
: Operation is a strong word. It blew up as soon as I turned it on! Cora
: Willful disruption of the space-time continuum? Ratchet
: THAT is a funny story... Qwark
: You're reckless! You're a loose cannon! And you're dangerous! That's MY shtick! Ratchet
: Wait! Just gimme a chance! Qwark
: Sorry, no time! Galaxy in jeopardy! Get back out there, and remember, you can do anything - as long as you're me! NEXT!
: Ratchet, we are clearly not prepared for this. We should have contacted the rangers to warn them of the attack! Ratchet
: Haha! Yeah, like they'd know who we are! Clank
: But you said they were your friends! Ratchet
: ...Whaaaaat? I think you're quoting me out of context. Clank
: [Playing recording of Ratchet's voice
] The rangers are actually my, uh, friends! Ratchet
: Do you record everything I say? Clank
: [Playing recording of Ratchet's voice
] Do you record everything I say?
: [Qwark is unconscious
] Can we kill him? Ratchet
: No! Dr. Nefarious
: I can make it look like an accident... Ratchet
] How? Clank
: Ratchet! Ratchet
: Alright, no...
: I don't know, I recognise stupidity... I'm friends with Qwark. Captain Qwark
: Yeah! Wait, what?