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Quotes for
Constable Benton Fraser (Character)
from "Due South" (1994)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Due South: Gift of the Wheelman (#1.10)" (1994)
Constable Benton Fraser: [speaking to Diefenbaker the wolf] Now you stay in the car and keep your nose out of those packages. They are not for you.
[to Ray]
Constable Benton Fraser: He's searched through every cupboard and drawer in the apartment trying to find out what I got for him, but this Christmas he will not succeed.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Upon discovering that Del's father is an aspiring writer] My father was quite the writer.
Del Porter: Professional?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, a Mountie. But he kept journals. He must have filled up almost a hundred. You know it's odd. We never spent that much time together when we were young so it's only recently through his writing that I feel that I've gotten to know him.

Constable Benton Fraser: You know, I've always thought it was the bravest thing a man could do. Writing down his innermost feelings that any stranger could read.

Constable Benton Fraser: [referring to Del Porter] He wasn't scared. He knew the thief.
Ray Vecchio: Did he I.D. him?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes. He just didn't intend to.

Ray Vecchio: What are you reading?
Constable Benton Fraser: My father's journals. I'm just going over old cases to see if there's anything similar.
Ray Vecchio: Is there?
Constable Benton Fraser: Not that I've found.
[frowns]
Ray Vecchio: What is it?
Constable Benton Fraser: I just wish I'd spent more time with him. There's a lot of things I should have learned.
Ray Vecchio: I learned two things from my father. One: Timing. Mostly when to duck. And two: You never hit a kid, 'cause it doesn't teach him anything.

Fraser Sr.: [Fraser continues to read his father's journal, hearing Fraser Sr.'s voice while reading] "Sam Dalton made only one mistake: He planned everything but how he was going to spend the money. Before he hit Whitehorse he left a trail of twenties that took me right to his door."
[Fraser Sr.'s mittened hand reaches from the back seat to point at the journal]
Fraser Sr.: But Sam's case was nothing like this.
Constable Benton Fraser: No, I know, but what I can't seem to find is -
[stops and looks in the back seat where his father's ghost is sitting]
Fraser Sr.: Hello, son.
Constable Benton Fraser: [warily] Hello, Dad. How are you?
Fraser Sr.: I'm dead, son. Other than that, do you mean?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, that's what I was asking.
Fraser Sr.: Oh, that's good. Never be ashamed to ask a stupid question, son. I taught you that, didn't I?
Constable Benton Fraser: Not specifically, no.
Fraser Sr.: Well, no time like the present.

Fraser Sr.: So fill me in on the case.
Constable Benton Fraser: [staring at his father's ghost] The case.
Fraser Sr.: The case. The case you're working on. Something about it bothers you.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, in a nutshell: There was a bank robbery today, now we've identified the perpetrators, but the wheelman, that's the driver in Chicago parlance, double-crossed his partners. Now what we can't seem to figure- is there any insanity in our family?
Fraser Sr.: No, not that I'm aware of.
Constable Benton Fraser: Good.
Fraser Sr.: Well, there was your Uncle Tiberius who died wrapped in cabbage leaves, but we assumed that was a freak accident.

Constable Benton Fraser: [referring to his father's ghost] He's not really here. I know that. It's all in my mind. It's just that he refuses to stay there, or rather, he refuses to LEAVE there. I really don't understand it, but I tell you it's beginning to wear a little thin. I mean, does he think I'm completely ignorant? I bet the next thing he'll do is try to start a fire. You know Ray, I have half a mind to tell him to pack up and move out.

Constable Benton Fraser: [referring to the wheelman in the bank robbery] You know, I should be able to see his plan. I mean, there aren't that many variables. But no matter which way I twist it, I can't seem to see how he thinks he'll get away with it. I mean you don't double-cross your partners then stay around town. You don't plan a getaway and forget about your son.
[pause]
Constable Benton Fraser: Unless... you don't plan on getting away with it.

Fraser Sr.: [Benton Fraser and Ray Vecchio are pinned down by gunfire] What you need, son, if you don't mind me saying, is a good solid plan.
[Benton Fraser picks up a rock]
Fraser Sr.: Or you can just throw a rock.
Constable Benton Fraser: Fire your entire clip on three!
Fraser Sr.: But then he'll be out of bullets.
Ray Vecchio: Then I'll be out of bullets!
Constable Benton Fraser: I heard both of you!
Ray Vecchio: Is there an entire conversation going on here that I'm totally unaware of?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes. One... two... three!
[Ray comes up shooting, Fraser hurls the rock and beans Cameron in the head; Jimmy and Cameron retreat]
Fraser Sr.: At least you found the villains, son. There's something to be said for that.
Constable Benton Fraser: Thank you.
Ray Vecchio: [giving Fraser a puzzled look] Any time.

Ray Vecchio: [Ray comes back to the car after Fraser has seen his father's ghost in the back seat] Anything happen?
Constable Benton Fraser: In what sense?

Constable Benton Fraser: Anything happen?
Ray Vecchio: In what sense?

William Porter: All I wanted was three dollars. Three dollars for the whole year and I'da made it. I was standing there at the counter with his gift in my hand. The girl says to me you're three dollars short. I started laughing. I laughed so hard, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack right there in that department store! I suddenly realized that if I died right then and there, I'da left my son sixty-two dollars, some lousy manuscripts and a lot of excuses and that's not good enough! That's... that's not enough to leave your son!
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, William, I think there is only one thing a father needs to leave his son, and that's a good example of how a man should live his life. Anything else, the son can learn for himself. The greatest gift my father ever gave me was the courage to trust my own abilities. And I learned that through his example. You know, you can give your son anything you want. But if you don't leave him a good example of how to be a man, you leave him nothing. That's what you'll leave Del. Nothing.

William Porter: [Fraser jumps down from above, surprising Porter, who whips out a Molotov cocktail and a lighter, before smiling] You're one unlucky Canadian.
Constable Benton Fraser: I'd be careful if I were you. I think you're standing in a pool of gasoline.
William Porter: I'm not interested in killing you. If you want to walk... I'll let you.
Constable Benton Fraser: I can't do that. You know it took me a while to figure out what you were doing. One doesn't ordinarily equate crime... with self-sacrifice.
William Porter: I guess I'm going to have to take my offer back.

Constable Benton Fraser: You went straight, William. A long time, six years...
William Porter: I love how people like you think that earning four dollars an hour is great and noble. I couldn't afford to buy my kid a Christmas gift. That's not noble; it's pathetic.

Constable Benton Fraser: [of his father] Next he'll be trying to show me how to start a fire. You know, Ray, I've got half a mind just to tell him to pack up, move out.
Ray Vecchio: Of your mind.
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.
Fraser Sr.: [from the back seat] Hello, son!
Constable Benton Fraser: [mumbling] Oh, God, he's back.
Fraser Sr.: What's that?
Constable Benton Fraser: Uhhh, I said, glad you're back, Dad!
[to Ray]
Constable Benton Fraser: Not a word, all right?
Ray Vecchio: Hey, no problem, Benny.

Fraser: Is there any insanity in our family?
Fraser Sr.: No, not that I'm aware of.
Fraser: Good.
Fraser Sr.: Well, there was your uncle Tiberius that died wrapped in cabbage leaves, but we assumed that was a freak accident.

Fraser Sr.: [as Porter arrives to pick Del up] That's him!
Constable Benton Fraser: Who?
Ray Vecchio: What?
Constable Benton Fraser: There!
Ray Vecchio: Where?
[Porter roars away with Del]
Ray Vecchio: Right in front of the police station? Now that is cheek!
[takes off in hot pursuit]


"Due South: Pilot (#1.0)" (1994)
Benton Fraser: When I graduated from the Academy, my father gave me one piece of advice. He said, 'Always... ' No. He said, 'Never... '
[Ray gives him a quizzical stare]
Benton Fraser: Well, actually he gave me two pieces of advice. I've forgotten the other one, but the important one is, never chase a man over a cliff.
Ray Vecchio: That's supposed to mean something in Canadian, isn't it?
Benton Fraser: If you're going to take on a man, you'd better know more than he does. Now our strength is, I know this area better than anyone. Their weakness is, they think they have an advantage.
Ray Vecchio: Let me see that bag. Being an American, I also know where my strength lies, and that's in being as heavily armed as possible at all times.
[dumps an assortment of guns, grenades and knives out of the bag]
Ray Vecchio: It's all completely legal, I swear to you.

Benton Fraser: I don't imagine the death penalty would be an effective deterrent for attempted suicides.

Benton Fraser: [tossing guy in cell] That's the last time he'll fish over the limit!

Underhill: I talked to the Super at your last job. He suggested transferring you further north.
Benton Fraser: Well, that would put me in Russia, sir.

Benton Fraser: I guessed. I had a hunch.
Ray Vecchio: No, no, no, no. You don't have hunches. I have hunches.
Benton Fraser: I had one of your hunches, Ray. Felt good.

[Fraser asks Gerard to give him a transfer to the Canadian Consulate in Chicago so he investigate his father's murder]
Gerard: What was the biggest city you ever worked in?
Benton Fraser: Moosejaw.
Gerard: Yeah, and you were transferred out after five weeks because you couldn't adapt to such an urban life style. You're like your father. Out there in no man's land, there isn't a better cop in the world. But in Chicago, they'd eat you alive in a minute. Sorry.

Benton Fraser: Excuse me, can I have your attention please? Thank you. Anyone carrying illegal weapons if you would place them on the bar. You are under arrest.
[a knife is thrown into the wall near Fraser's head]
Benton Fraser: You realize I'm going to have to confiscate that?

Fraser: [Diefenbaker is half on, half off Vecchio while the detective is driving the car] He's deaf. You have to speak very loud and very slow and enunciate.
Ray Vecchio: GET-OFF-ME-EXCLAMATION-MARK!

Benton Fraser: It would have been a party of six.
Herb Lantrell: Brought a bunch of nuns up on a retreat. That help?
Benton Fraser: Not unless they were carrying firearms.
Herb Lantrell: You're sure they were Americans, eh?
Benton Fraser: They were all wearing new boots, they were driving a Jeep Wrangler, and they carried big guns.
Herb Lantrell: Americans it is.

Benton Fraser: What's the one thing you hear Americans say about Canadians over and over again? 'They're such nice, polite, people.' So we use that against them. We let them underestimate us.

Ray Vecchio: So, uh, what's your first name, anyway? I mean, I can't keep calling you 'Fraser.'
Benton Fraser: Benton.
Ray Vecchio: So what's your first name?
Benton Fraser: Benton.
Ray Vecchio: Do you *have* a first name?


"Due South: A Hawk and a Handsaw (#1.12)" (1995)
Det. Ray Vecchio: All right, all right, so if somebody jumped, where's the body?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.
Elaine Besbriss: [over the radio] Vecchio, they just fished a body out of the river near Wilmington. Lieutenant says he'll meet you down there.
Det. Ray Vecchio: On the way.
[to Fraser]
Det. Ray Vecchio: Look, that doesn't prove a thing, okay? Bodies turn up every day in this city.
Constable Benton Fraser: No, I'm sure that's the case.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Oh, all right, so what's your theory - the guy jumped from the fifth floor of the hospital, caught a thermal updraft and flew the sixteen blocks to the river?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, that's just silly, Ray.
Det. Ray Vecchio: It's a joke!

Constable Benton Fraser: [studying a bleached patch of sidewalk] This concrete is white.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Well, that's the colour we like to use for sidewalks in America.
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, the Inuit have sixty words to describe snow, Ray. One-third of them concern the colour.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Eskimos don't have a lot to do in the winter, huh?

Constable Benton Fraser: There's something going on inside that hospital, Ray.
Det. Ray Vecchio: You're crazy!
Constable Benton Fraser: That's a good idea.

Constable Benton Fraser: Do you know where Mike is?
Bus driver: Uhh, I think he was killed in the fourteenth century.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Oh, great, so at least we've got a murder investigation on our hands.

Det. Ray Vecchio: Your friend the Ice Maiden finally served up an autopsy report on the John Doe by the river.
Constable Benton Fraser: Cause of death?
Det. Ray Vecchio: He was struck by a blunt object. Probably a sidewalk.

Psychologist: So you're a Mountie, are you?
Constable Benton Fraser: Constable, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, yes.
Psychologist: Here in Chicago.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, I used to live in the Yukon, but I uncovered a plot that involved drowning caribou, and then some men who were dressed in white came after me with homicidal intentions. It's a rather long story, takes exactly two hours to tell, but the upshot of it is that I was sent here. I think I embarrassed some people in the government.
Psychologist: Do you have anyone who can vouch for you here?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, yes, there's my wolf, although I'm not sure he would vouch for me. If you know anything about lupine behaviour, you know how moody they are, and on top of that he's deaf.

Det. Ray Vecchio: So what are we gonna do, sit on this bus until Ty gets on?
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, I looked into that man's eyes when I was on that ledge, Ray. I saw a man who was lost. You can lose your home, you can lose your family and it can be devastating, but if you lose yourself you have nothing.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Fraser, the guy was looking for Mike's house on a bus that travels a twelve-mile circuit. You have any idea how many Mikes live on this bus route? No, and neither do I and neither does anybody.
Constable Benton Fraser: We're on the wrong bus.
Det. Ray Vecchio: This is the number nine!
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, he couldn't find the house again because he was on the wrong bus, and he didn't make the transfer.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Oh, is that what it says there? 'Transfer here to Mike's house'?

Constable Benton Fraser: Well, I'm a Mountie.
Walter Sparks: A Mountie? You don't look like a Mountie.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, you know the red uniform? It's really mostly for special occasions, although they seem to insist that I wear my...
Walter Sparks: I bet you always get your man, then.
Constable Benton Fraser: Actually, that's a popular misconception. It really isn't our motto. It was invented by the writer of an early black-and-white movie. Our actual motto is 'Maintain the Right', which admittedly may not be as...
Det. Ray Vecchio: Benny!
Constable Benton Fraser: Uhh, yes. We do often get our man.

Constable Benton Fraser: [at a bus stop] Ah, excuse me. Could you take us to Mike's house, please?
[doors close and bus drives away]
Det. Ray Vecchio: Don't you think you're being a wee bit desperate?
Constable Benton Fraser: If he asked the bus driver to take him to Mike's house, he obviously had reason to believe the bus driver knew where Mike's house was.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Fraser, there's a guy in my corner who asks me every morning if I've seen God. Do you really think he expects me to point him out?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, if you did, Ray, perhaps he would stop asking.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Ray is nervous about his psych evaluation] Ray, these people are professionals. Won't they know if you've rehearsed your answers?
Det. Ray Vecchio: Ah, they may suspect, but they won't be able to prove it. Now if I go in there unprepared, and they say 'brother' and I say 'naked', I'm gonna be explaining myself away for the next two weeks.
Constable Benton Fraser: You'd say 'naked'?
Det. Ray Vecchio: Well, I'm just talkin' hypothetically.
Constable Benton Fraser: I'm sorry, Ray, but it sounds as though you're drawing on personal experience.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Well, y'know, me and my brother used to take baths together when we were younger, but what's wrong with that?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, nothing. It just seems like an odd response.
Det. Ray Vecchio: There, you see? See, even you're reading stuff into this. You say something innocent like that, and next thing you know they're trying to convince you you're having dreams of seeing your mother naked.
Constable Benton Fraser: You had dreams of your mother naked?
Det. Ray Vecchio: I said 'brother'!
Constable Benton Fraser: You said 'mother'!
Det. Ray Vecchio: I know what I said! I said 'brother'! It's my dream, I should know who's in it!
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, how long have you been having this dream?
Det. Ray Vecchio: There is no dream! I made it up!


"Due South: They Eat Horses, Don't They? (#1.4)" (1994)
[Ray comes up to Fraser as he's "guarding" the consulate]
Ray Vecchio: You're off in thirty seconds, let's go.
[Fraser doesn't budge]
Ray Vecchio: Okay, let's do this your way... Old Zaleb came through for us. He remembers detecting a subtle change in the horse manure at a particular plant. Wanna guess which one? Do the words 'Barnaby Jones' mean anything to you?
[looking at his watch]
Ray Vecchio: Five, four, three...
[church bells toll]
Constable Benton Fraser: [stepping away toward Ray's car] No matter what you say, you cannot base an investigation on a theory developed from the casting of a television series.

[Fraser slices into and sniffs a package of meat in the middle of the supermarket]
Ray Vecchio: [aghast] Oh, no! You're putting beef on your nose? Stop that!
Constable Benton Fraser: This meat is bad.
Ray Vecchio: Well, that's a shame, 'cause it looks really good on you! Why don't you dab a little pork behind your ears?

Ray Vecchio: [Ray and Fraser are in a dumpster looking for evidence] You know Fraser when I was a little boy, I used to dream of what it would be like to be a police officer. You know, shooting the bad guys, saving the girl. Being knee deep in day old chicken heads looking for tainted meat was never a part of that dream.
Constable Benton Fraser: Check that container there.
Ray Vecchio: Why? If they wanted to hide something they just wouldn't have dumped it in here.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, perhaps not this time. But garbage has a history, Ray. It always leaves something behind.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, and most if it seems to be on me. You know what really annoys me? Why am I covered in crud and you look like you just got back from a hand laundry?
Constable Benton Fraser: I don't know, I've always been this way.
Ray Vecchio: [phone rings] Cia. It's Raymondo.
[Fraser picks something off of Ray's coat]
Ray Vecchio: Ma! No, Ma, I did not forget the lettuce, okay?
[to Fraser]
Ray Vecchio: See a head of lettuce anywhere? Uh, Ma, yes I got it. Look, look... no, I gotta go, Fraser's picking lint off me again. Alright. Bye.
[to Fraiser]
Ray Vecchio: Thanks, but I don't think it's gonna help
Constable Benton Fraser: It might.
Ray Vecchio: What is it?
Constable Benton Fraser: Parasites.
Ray Vecchio: Those were on me?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.
[Ray yells and jumps out of the dumpster]
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray?

Ray Vecchio: [Ray and Fraser are trapped inside a meat locker. Both have meat wrapped around them and Ray is wearing Fraser's Stetson] Some people die in their sleep. Others die making love to a beautiful woman. I am going to die wrapped in meat.
Constable Benton Fraser: Don't talk, Ray. You're expending body heat.
Ray Vecchio: I'm going to freeze to death inside My Friend Flicka.

Francesca Vecchio: [walking into the bathroom on Fraser] Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were in here.
Maria: Didn't know? She's been standing in the doorway, timing it so you'd be undressed!
Francesca Vecchio: You are such a liar!
Ray Vecchio: I am naked in here! Does that mean anything to anybody?
Maria: Shut up!
Francesca Vecchio: Oh, who cares?
[to Fraser]
Francesca Vecchio: Here, you can use my towels.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, thank you, but I'm afraid I'm not having a shower.
Francesca Vecchio: Oh, don't be silly, it's really no trouble.
[over her shoulder at Ray]
Francesca Vecchio: And don't use all the hot water! I'll wait for mine.
Maria: Yeah, by the keyhole.
Francesca Vecchio: You know, I've really had enough of your mouth.

[last lines]
Ray Vecchio: I still can't believe you did that.
Constable Benton Fraser: It was perfectly safe, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, what, did you use it on your last partner, Billy 'Swiss Cheese' McAllister?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, I admit it was an unusual tactic, but I got the notion from a young scout who lashed a caribou to his chest. Unfortunately, it was unrelated to police work.

Ray Vecchio: [pointing at Leggett] That's the guy who did it.
Constable Benton Fraser: How do you know?
Ray Vecchio: Because he looks like, uhhh, that actor.
Constable Benton Fraser: What actor?
Ray Vecchio: Well, you know how on 'Barnaby Jones', you can always tell the bad guy because he's played by that actor that you see a lot?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes...?
Ray Vecchio: He looks like that actor. Trust me, they haven't been able to fool me once!
[glaring suspiciously at Zaleb as he drives away]
Ray Vecchio: Or maybe *he* did it.

Ray Vecchio: [after seeing Fraser put a tub of ice cream to his forehead] Fraser, what are you doing?
Constable Benton Fraser: It's nineteen degrees cooler over here.
Ray Vecchio: I know you're nostalgic for that glacier lifestyle, but you're missing the whole point of coming to a supermarket.
Constable Benton Fraser: What do you mean?
Ray Vecchio: Well, the modern supermarket is the place to meet women in the nineties.
Constable Benton Fraser: Really?
Ray Vecchio: Absolutely! I mean, you don't know who you're going to meet in a bar. At least in here, you can tell a lot about a person just by the section you meet her in.
Constable Benton Fraser: How?
Ray Vecchio: Well, for example, if she's near the vegetables, she cares about her body. If she's near the meat, an animal in bed. And if she's near the Eskimo pies, she's given up - move back to meat!

Ray Vecchio: These things wash off, right?
Constable Benton Fraser: Parasites? Yes, of course. Although, there's always a possibility that they laid eggs.
Ray Vecchio: More soap! Gimme more soap!
Constable Benton Fraser: But I don't think so, Ray. Most parasites only live on specific hosts.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, what, I wasn't gracious enough? I should have offered them canapes?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, Ray. What I mean is...
Mrs. Vecchio: [entering the bathroom] Oh, I hope you like spaghetti and meatballs.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, if you made it, Mrs. Vecchio, I'm sure it'll be delicious.
Ray Vecchio: Ma, you wanna get out of the bathroom?
Mrs. Vecchio: He's such a baby.
Ray Vecchio: It's because I'm wet!


"Due South: Pizzas and Promises (#1.5)" (1994)
Fraser: When I was a young scout, anxious to earn my ecology badge, I insinuated myself into a hunting party to catch a baby seal killer.
Ray Vecchio: What happened?
Fraser: Well, I was clubbed repeatedly, Ray.

Fraser: You know, Lenny, I'm a man who believes in destiny. But it's a destiny of your own choosing. Just because a trail leads one way doesn't mean you can't cut your own path.
Lenny Milano: Looks like mine leads right over a cliff.
Fraser: Cliffs are for climbing, Lenny. That's why God gave us grappling hooks.

Fraser: [on Diefenbaker's trail] Stupid rookie mistake.
Ray Vecchio: What do you mean?
Fraser: These last two blocks, I've been tracking a Lhasa Apso.
Ray Vecchio: You've been tracking a Lhasa Apso?
Fraser: I know. If word of this gets back to the territories I'll never live it down.
Ray Vecchio: Mounties can be so cruel.
Fraser: You can't imagine.

Fraser: [Fraser has jumped from the top of a building onto a stolen, speeding car] Please stop immediately. This is not your automobile!

Ray Vecchio: Fraser, there are hundreds of places that make pizza. What I'm looking for here is the perfect pizza at the perfect price.
Fraser: Which is?
Ray Vecchio: Free. And that's exactly what this'll be in 34 seconds. There's no way he can get a pizza here from Michigan Avenue in under a half-hour.
Fraser: You mean you're using some promotional ploy in order to get something for nothing?
Ray Vecchio: Welcome to the United States of America, Fraser.

[last lines]
Fraser: Twenty-nine minutes, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Okay, okay, I don't need a countdown!
Lenny Milano: Okay, this is the 1200 block. It's got to be around here someplace.
Ray Vecchio: Can you believe these skinflints? They could've just ordered from across the street.
Fraser: Maybe they wanted the perfect pizza at the perfect price.
Ray Vecchio: Sixteen bucks? I'm not payin'! Your job, kid, you pay.
Lenny Milano: Why should I pay? You're driving.
Fraser: And I'm afraid I left my wallet in the lake, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: What about him?
[Diefenbaker barks]
Fraser: Oh, I don't like to touch his savings account.
Lenny Milano: Just tell them you couldn't find the building.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, yeah, that'll work.
Lenny Milano: Worked on you.

Fraser: I'm afraid you'll have to leave. This could become dangerous.
Francesca Vecchio: [pulling out a bottle of wine] Have you got a corkscrew? Oh, that's all right! It's a twist-off.
Fraser: I don't mean to sound ingracious, and it's not that I don't appreciate the offer, but...
Francesca Vecchio: Hot hors d'oeuvres?
Ray Vecchio: [over the walkie-talkie] I'm suffocating and you're serving him a buffet?
Francesca Vecchio: [grabbing Fraser's walkie-talkie] Stay out of this, gelding!
Ray Vecchio: Stallion!
Francesca Vecchio: Yeah, in your dreams.

Francesca Vecchio: So where are we going now?
Ray Vecchio: You're going home! Did you see who it was?
Fraser: No, they took off before we got here.
Ray Vecchio: I say we go to the dealership and arrest the whole damn bunch.
Fraser: Well, that would be an injustice, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: You wanna see an injustice? Take a look at my suit!
Francesca Vecchio: Look at my blanket!
Ray Vecchio: Shut up!

Ray Vecchio: First you want to go undercover, now I let you talk me into this thing?
Fraser: We have to catch them in the act, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, well, you see, here's the tricky thing about sting operations. They require money, resources, and a lot more manpower than you, me, and a wolf.
Fraser: That's why we have our third man.
[Ray scoffs]
Francesca Vecchio: [into microphone] Can you read me?
Fraser: Loud and clear. Oh, and once again, I'm terribly sorry about the confusion. I thought you understood my intentions.
Francesca Vecchio: Oh, don't worry. Really, I've forgotten all about it.
[walks up to a random couple]
Francesca Vecchio: Let me ask you something. If a guy asks if you're busy tonight, he's asking you out, right?
Car Shopper: Yeah, I... think so.
Francesca Vecchio: Yeah, so would I.


"Due South: You Must Remember This (#1.11)" (1995)
Constable Benton Fraser: Can you trace the number?
Elaine Besbriss: Sure, but she called from her car. It was a cell phone.
Jack Huey: No, you're never gonna track a cell. It's a nightmare.
Constable Benton Fraser: Not really, not if you've tracked caribou.
Ray Vecchio: Fraser, let's try this one more time, okay? We're in Chicago. We're not tracking caribou, we're tracking gunrunners.

Constable Benton Fraser: [as Ray is using his car for a roadblock] Ray, I don't mean to press the point, but we're standing behind a 1971 Buick Riviera. They, on the other hand, are hurtling down a hill at roughly forty-seven miles an hour in a six-ton steel-plated military weapons carrier.
Ray Vecchio: Works for me!

Ray Vecchio: She kissed me
Constable Benton Fraser: AFTER she hit you?
Ray Vecchio: I'm going to see her in jail, Fraser, if it's the last thing I do.
[Fraser pats him on the back, then holds up his hands in an innocent gesture after Vecchio glares at him]

Ray Vecchio: [Ray walks away after just kissing the ATF officer] That's it, Fraser, that's the sign.
Constable Benton Fraser: What is, Ray?
Ray Vecchio: The look. She left me, but she left me for the right reason. She loves me.
Constable Benton Fraser: But... she's gone.
Ray Vecchio: Well, that's what's right for us. Maybe someday it won't be, but now it is.
Constable Benton Fraser: But you might never see each other again.
Ray Vecchio: Exactly! that's what we need - ridiculous odds, and just a speck of hope that someday, we'll beat it.
Constable Benton Fraser: I can't say I understand that, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Well, of course you don't. You're not too swift with this stuff, are you, Fraser.

Constable Benton Fraser: Does the phone have to be in use to pick up a signal?
Elaine Besbriss: No, it just has to be turned on to receive calls. It emits a signal unless the power's off. That's the good news.
Ray Vecchio: Elaine, we're attempting to track criminals as though they were fur-bearing mammals. What news could be bad?
Elaine Besbriss: The grid covers an area of twenty square miles. Unless you plan to go door-to-door...
Ray Vecchio: Okay, Fraser, how do we find the herd?

Harding Welsh: Do you ever feed this wolf?
Constable Benton Fraser: I'm so terribly sorry, sir, but I think it's the urban influence. He seems to have developed a real taste for fast food.
Harding Welsh: [to Ray] All right. Two teams, two spotters, one apartment. No mini-bar.
Ray Vecchio: Thanks, Lieutenant.
Harding Welsh: If you don't get him by Friday, that's it.
Ray Vecchio: Right!
Harding Welsh: [Diefenbaker still at his feet] If I give him some, will he stop?
Constable Benton Fraser: Not a chance, sir.
[Welsh feeds Dief the rest of his hamburger]
Constable Benton Fraser: Thank you kindly, Lieutenant.

Ray Vecchio: Even if I give you that shot a hundred times, you'll never make it again. It's like something you do on ice skates. This ain't hockey, okay, Fraser? This is basketball. It's an American game.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, perhaps it has become Americanized, Ray. But like many things Americans lay claim to, it originated elsewhere.
Ray Vecchio: Get outta here!
Constable Benton Fraser: No, it's a fact. Basketball was invented by a Canadian.
Ray Vecchio: Look, just because some fisherman once slam-dunked a halibut into a net...
Constable Benton Fraser: Actually, he was a minister, who used a soccer ball, and he nailed peach baskets to either end of the gym.
Ray Vecchio: This is very sad, Fraser.
Constable Benton Fraser: Of course, Reverend Naismith did eventually emigrate to the United States; as a matter of fact, he was working at a YMCA in Springfield, Massachusetts, of all places.

Constable Benton Fraser: You know, there was a woman once, Ray. We were, um... I don't know what we were. In the end, I tracked her up above the 62nd parallel into a place called Fortitude Pass. A storm had been blowing for days, the whole world was white. By the time I found her, I'd lost everything - my packs, my supplies... everything. She was huddled in the lee side of a mountain crag, almost frozen, very near death. So I staked a lean-to and draped my coat around it, and I drew her inside and covered her body with mine, and I just held her... while the storm closed around us like a blanket. And I forced her to speak to me, just talk to me; say anything to keep the cold from taking her. And it snowed for a day, and a night... and a day. I was delirious; I almost gave up. The only thing I had to hold onto was the sound of her voice, which never wavered. She recited a poem, over and over. You know a funny thing? I must have heard that poem a thousand times that night, but I never heard the words. It ended... badly. She had a darkness inside her. And the most beautiful voice... the most beautiful voice you ever heard.
[choked up, looks over to see Ray nodded off]

Ray Vecchio: [being examined after getting hit by a car] She pulled me to safety... and then she kissed me.
Paramedic: Uh-huh.
Constable Benton Fraser: She kissed you?
Ray Vecchio: On the lips.
Paramedic: Head injury. It happens.
Constable Benton Fraser: Did she speak to you?
Ray Vecchio: She wanted to stay. I know she did... and then she was gone. She wants me to find her, Fraser.
Paramedic: Uh-huh.
Ray Vecchio: Will you stop with the uh-huh-in'?
Constable Benton Fraser: Do you remember what she looked like?
Ray Vecchio: [dreamily] She looked exquisite.
Paramedic, Constable Benton Fraser: Uh-HUH.


"Due South: Chinatown (#1.6)" (1994)
Jack Huey: Tell me, Fraser, what exactly does a kidnapping sound like?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, in this case, there was the sound of a foot breaking glass. This was followed by the scream of a female bystander, and then the squeal of tires as the vehicle pulled away from the curb.
Jack Huey: And did you happen to 'hear' a license plate number, too?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, the license was obscured by mud.
Louis Gardino: You know what we have here, Jack? Another case of... speeding with a dirty license plate!
Jack Huey: Damn, this city's going to hell!

Constable Benton Fraser: Would everybody please settle down? I'm trying to listen.
Ray Vecchio: To what?
Constable Benton Fraser: Shhhh...
[remembers car vs. puddle sounds]
Constable Benton Fraser: I'm not certain, but it sounds like 'doo-shhh, doo-shhh.' What does that sound like to you?
Ray Vecchio: How about the sound of my job going down the toilet? I'm sitting in a dark closet with a Mountie being licked by a deaf wolf!
[beat]
Ray Vecchio: That was the wolf, wasn't it?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, thank God.

Constable Benton Fraser: [to Dief] Well, are you coming?
[Dief turns and runs away]
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, you let a wolf save your life... they make you pay, and pay, and pay.
Ray Vecchio: That's why I don't own a wolf.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Fraser and Ray are listening to an interrogation going on downstairs using the vent in the bathroom] We're eavesdropping! Aren't we?
Ray Vecchio: I'll make sure they take away your merit badge later.

Ray Vecchio: Firecrackers? Sorry, Fraser, not good enough.
Constable Benton Fraser: Why not? It's gunpowder, it's low-grade.
Ray Vecchio: In case you didn't realize, Mr. Mountie, you cannot buy, sell, or manufacture fireworks anywhere in the city of Chicago.
Constable Benton Fraser: That is, unless you have a license to exhibit. City ordinance, section 15-20.
Ray Vecchio: You read that?
Constable Benton Fraser: There's a world of information at your local library, Ray. Are you still there, Elaine?
Elaine Besbriss: [over the phone] Three. Quan Lu and Yellow Dragon Fireworks, both on the south side; and Lucky Day Pyrotechnics, on Barrington.
Constable Benton Fraser: Thank you kindly, Elaine.
Ray Vecchio: Thanks, Elaine.
Elaine Besbriss: Uh-huh.
Ray Vecchio: Your call.
Constable Benton Fraser: We'll try the one on Barrington.
Ray Vecchio: That's right in Charlie Wong's backyard. You actually think he's gonna keep the kid there?
Constable Benton Fraser: He's there. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
Ray Vecchio: Another wise Chinese guy?
Constable Benton Fraser: No. Robert Fraser, my father.

Ray Vecchio: This is exactly what I was afraid would happen.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray, please.
Ray Vecchio: You cannot track a Lincoln town car through the streets of Chicago. It's not like a beaver. It doesn't leave nice little tail tracks in the tundra.
[Ray's car splashes through a puddle]
Constable Benton Fraser: Wait a minute...
[pauses, remembering the sounds of the getaway car]
Constable Benton Fraser: We've picked up their trail.
Ray Vecchio: Why do I feel more and more like Dale Evans? Hey, Roy! Wait for me!

Fraser: In Canada we have more than a passing familiarity with confusion. We're comprised of ten provinces and two territories communicating across six time zones in two official languages. The English don't understand the French, the French don't understand the English and the Inuit, quite frankly, couldn't give a damn about either of them. Added to the equation is the Assembly of First Nations with a total of 633 separate Indian bands speaking 180 sub-dialects among their 50 linguistic groups. And is if that weren't enough there are some fisherman on the East coast with a remarkably whimsical accent.

Fraser: Do you think he's all right?
Ray Vecchio: Who?
Fraser: Diefenbaker.
Ray Vecchio: He's a wild animal!
[beat]
Fraser: He didn't *look* all right.

Constable Benton Fraser: [holding up his menu] Ah, Ray, may I?
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, go ahead, Benny, but it's in Chinese.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ah, so I see.
Ray Vecchio: And try not to order anything with internal organs, willya?
[Fraser places an order in laboured Chinese as Ray watches in disbelief. Mr. Lee eagerly thanks Fraser and heads for the kitchen]
Ray Vecchio: How did you do that?
Constable Benton Fraser: Oh, I just went with the specials.


"Due South: White Men Can't Jump to Conclusions (#2.13)" (1996)
Fraser: Detective Vecchio will blow your brains off.
Ray Vecchio: Out.
Fraser: Out. I'm sorry, I stand corrected, he will blow your brains out.

Ray Vecchio: Oh, the judge is gonna love this! "Your Honour, we have no case because the bang is where the bing should've been!"
Fraser: The sounds don't lie, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Okay, so tell me this: how does the bang being where the bing should've been...
Fraser: No, that's the bing being where the bang should've been.

Ray Vecchio: Look, Fraser. Kids from that neighbourhood, generally speaking, end up doing one of two things: basketball, or crime.
Fraser: Tyree plays basketball.
Ray Vecchio: Well, they all start out playing basketball, and if one of them's lucky enough he'll make it to Division One college ball. But if he's not tall enough, if he's not talented enough, if he's not dedicated enough, he's gonna wind up like that kid and make life miserable for everybody else.
Fraser: [pulls a piece of thread out of his pocket] Ray, please, look at this.
Ray Vecchio: What's that supposed to be, evidence?
Fraser: The shooter wore this.
Ray Vecchio: [stares at the thread] Well, let's hope that's not all he wore.

Fraser: [Ray is ignoring nearby gunfire] Ray, that was a gunshot!
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, if we stop for every gunshot we hear in this neighborhood, we'll never get home.
[another shot rings out]
Ray Vecchio: See?
Fraser: [drops his boots and runs toward the shots]
Ray Vecchio: Aww! I'm off duty!
[runs after Fraser]
Ray Vecchio: YOU'RE off duty! And unless somebody shot a moose, you have no jurisdiction!

[first lines]
Ray Vecchio: This neighbourhood makes yours look like Aster Street.
Fraser: Well, as I recall, this was your recommendation.
Ray Vecchio: Link's the best bindlestitch guy in the world. You got a problem with your footwear, you bring it to Link.
Fraser: I agree. These boots are as good as new. Probably the best $125 I ever parted with.
Ray Vecchio: You know, that's another thing I'll never understand, why anybody would spend $125 to fix up a stinky old pair of Mountie boots.
Fraser: Oh, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray! Properly moulded boots are a Mountie's prized possession. Well, that and his horse.
Ray Vecchio: Well, we're not picking up your horse.
Fraser: Well, I don't have a horse.
Ray Vecchio: Well, you know, you ought to think about getting one, because I'm getting really tired of driving you around.

Fraser: Good news, Ray. He didn't do it.
Ray Vecchio: [scoffing] No, not this time.
Fraser: Not what this time?
Ray Vecchio: Look. Someone shot someone, right?
Fraser: Yes.
Ray Vecchio: And I have a responsibility to catch that someone that shot the other someone, right?
Fraser: Yes.
Ray Vecchio: And if I catch that someone, it's good news, right?
Fraser: Yes.
Ray Vecchio: Okay. So if I caught the wrong guy, does that mean that no crime was committed?
Fraser: No.
Ray Vecchio: Does it mean that no one was almost killed?
Fraser: No.
Ray Vecchio: Does it mean that there is one less bad guy in the world?
Fraser: No.
Ray Vecchio: Right. It means that the real bad guy is still out there instead of locked up somewhere safe, so by you coming in here and telling me that our guy is innocent, this is just not good news!
Fraser: I'm sorry. I see what you're driving at, and I stand corrected. It is *bad* news. He didn't do it.

[last lines]
Ray Vecchio: All right, Tyree, I spoke to the State's Attorney and she's considering dropping the charges. How you doing?
[stops short as it hits him]
Isiah Thomas: Isiah. How you doin'?
Ray Vecchio: [suddenly giddy] Yeah, I know who you are! Ray Vecchio!
Isiah Thomas: So are we gonna play today, or what?
Ray Vecchio: Well, yeah! Gimme the ball!
[Ray and Tyree run for the court]
Isiah Thomas: Mountie, right?
Fraser: That's correct, Mr. Isiah.
Isiah Thomas: You know, I was wondering, since I'm in Toronto now...
Fraser: Oh, uh, we mount the horses. You play basketball?
[Isiah laughs]

Fraser: Ray, please, just try to remember. The sounds are all stored in here, so just clear your mind. Imagine... imagine you're on an ice floe, thousands of miles away from any conceivable distraction.
Ray Vecchio: Is this an Eskimo trick?
Fraser: No. Inuit. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. All right, now put yourself back at that moment. What do you hear?
Ray Vecchio: The entire Chicago Police Department laughing at me?
Fraser: Ray, please, humour me.
Ray Vecchio: All right, all right.


"Due South: Some Like It Red (#2.12)" (1996)
Fraser: Let me tell you something, Ray, I think that the person who invented pantyhose should be brought up on charges of cruelty, sadism and reckless endangerment. They pinch in the most inappropriate places.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, well most people who wear them don't have those places, Benny.

Fraser: [Fraser is dressed as a woman and insisting Ray open doors for him] Ray. Manners.
Ray Vecchio: You know, Benny, there's a limit.
Fraser: A limit? To good etiquette? I think not, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Just get in the car before I beat you with your purse.

Ray Vecchio: You know, Benny, you weren't a bad-looking woman.
Fraser: Thank you, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Course, you weren't exactly my type either.
Fraser: Well, what exactly is your type, Ray?
Ray Vecchio: I like a woman who is kind and honest with a good sense of humor.
Fraser: What? And I don't have those qualities?
Ray Vecchio: No, no, you do, I just like a woman who is, you know, a woman.
Fraser: That's, that's picky Ray.

Wanda: [to Fraser, who is pretending to be a woman] We're on to you, Miss.
Tiffany: Totally.
Wanda: We see the way you're always opening doors for women.
Tiffany: And the way you're like incredibly tall.
Wanda: And polite.
Tiffany: Totally. And we hear the way you talk.
Wanda: For sure. You know you can't fool us. We should have known it right from the start.
Tiffany: You're... A Canadian.
Fraser: Oh. Do you think we could keep this between us?

Fraser: [reading from Celine's diary] "... I gifted him with a treasure of gold and time; he gifted me with his love."
Ray Vecchio: Wow, I'm no English major, but that stuff's so purple I'm gettin' diabetes.
Fraser: Ray, you just mixed a metaphor.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, well, I said I was no English major.

Fraser: [regarding Celine's gun] Interesting. A Hildebrand Yankee thirty-eight. You don't see these very often.
Ray Vecchio: No, that's why I ran the numbers on it. You're never gonna guess who it's registered to.
Fraser: Eliot Ness?
Ray Vecchio: How did you know that?
Fraser: Well, it's really quite simple...
Ray Vecchio: No, simple for you is some long drawn-out story about your grandparents' library in Runamukluk.
Fraser: Actually, it is quite simple, Ray; it's engraved right here, 'E. Ness.' And guessing that the 'E' stood for 'Eliot' was just inspiration.
Ray Vecchio: Just gimme that. You're not supposed to be carryin' a gun anyway.
Fraser: [beat] Tuktoyaktuk.
Ray Vecchio: What?
Fraser: You said 'Runamukluk.' I assume you're referring to the time my grandmother moved her traveling library to Tuktoyaktuk.
Ray Vecchio: Tuktoyaktuk, Runamukluk, what's the difference?
Fraser: Well, about two thousand kilometers.
Ray Vecchio: Is that necessary?
Fraser: Not entirely, no.
Ray Vecchio: Okay, so the question is, how does a sixteen-year-old Catholic school girl get a hold of the gun owned by the man who brought down Al Capone? That is the question, not whether or not Tuktoyaktuk and Runamukluk are two thousand miles apart!
Fraser: Kilometers. And, I have no idea.
Ray Vecchio: Well, neither do I!

Ray Vecchio: Murph's the man, Fraser. He collects hooch like my sister collects losers. You know what his nickname is?
Fraser: I haven't a clue.
Ray Vecchio: The Whiskey King of the Windy City. Isn't that great?
Fraser: Well, Ray, I find that a little bit difficult to believe, in that nicknames generally tend to be a bit shorter. 'Whiskey King', or 'Windy Guy'.
Ray Vecchio: Well, that's his nickname, all right? The Whiskey King of the Windy City. You ask anyone.
Fraser: [turning to another patron] Excuse me, sir. What is the bartender's nickname?
Burly Bar Patron: Murph.

[Fraser and Ray are fighting it out with Johnstone and his henchman]
Fraser: Oh, no! You wouldn't hit a woman, would you?
[Johnstone balks; Fraser KO's him as Celine grabs a bottle of Glendorlan whiskey]
Celine: This one's for Todd!
[hurls the bottle at Johnstone; Fraser takes a flying leap and loses his wig as he catches it in mid-air]
Melissa: [mortified] Oh, my God, Miss Fraser! You're a CROSS-DRESSER?


"Due South: Free Willie (#1.1)" (1994)
Ray Vecchio: [approaching Fraser's new apartment] Fraser, you do not want to live in this neighbourhood. Cops do not live in areas like this, most people we bust won't even live here!
Constable Benton Fraser: Why? It's central, convenient. I can walk to work in seven minutes.
Ray Vecchio: Not without backup.
Constable Benton Fraser: 231. It's just up on the right.
Ray Vecchio: Look, do me a favour and let's turn around and I'll take you back to your hotel?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, we can't, I checked out. The windows wouldn't open.
Ray Vecchio: Fraser, this is Chicago. The only reason to open a window is to get a better aim.

Ray Vecchio: Does the word 'incarcerate' mean anything to you?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, it's from the medieval Latin, 'incarcerata', to imprison.
Ray Vecchio: Medieval Latin? You let a perp go and you're giving me medieval Latin?
Constable Benton Fraser: Actually, 'perpetrator' is also Latin, from 'perpetrare'...
Ray Vecchio: Shut up, okay? Just shut up!

Dennis Argyle: Yo, I found the key.
Constable Benton Fraser: I'll be right up, sir.
[whispers]
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: What?
Constable Benton Fraser: Is my lanyard straight?
Ray Vecchio: [referring to Dennis] He's a slum lord!

Constable Benton Fraser: [Fraser gets settled in his blankets on the floor] Goodnight Diefenbaker
Willie Lambert: Fraser? You know crack dealers are even afraid to come into this neighborhood?
Constable Benton Fraser: Goodnight, Willie.

Caroline Morgan: Don't move, Boy Scout. Back right off.
Constable Benton Fraser: You alright, Ray?
Ray Vecchio: I'm well, Fraser, and you?
Caroline Morgan: [to Fraser] Dead in your tracks! Right there. Take out the gun and drop it on the floor
Ray Vecchio: Don't do it, Fraser. Take the shot.
Constable Benton Fraser: I'm afraid I'm not carrying a gun.
Caroline Morgan: Drop the gun!
Constable Benton Fraser: I honestly don't have one.
Ray Vecchio: [about Fraser] Sharp shooter first class. Can take the head off a pin.
Constable Benton Fraser: He's right about that
Ray Vecchio: [to Morgan] Drop it or he takes you out
Constable Benton Fraser: I would if I had a gun, Ray.
Caroline Morgan: Show me the gun!
Constable Benton Fraser: Well we'd have to go back to my office. I do have this knife.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, that's good Benny. Threaten her with your camping utensils

Constable Benton Fraser: She shot my hat, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: She shot you in the hat?
Constable Benton Fraser: I can feel air coming in through the hole.
Ray Vecchio: She shot you in the hat, all right.
Constable Benton Fraser: How does it look?
Ray Vecchio: Doesn't look good.
Constable Benton Fraser: We'll have to go home and get my other one.
Ray Vecchio: We can do that, Fraser.
Constable Benton Fraser: Thanks, Ray.

Cleaning Salesman: [cleaning Fraser's boots] Now you strike me as a man who has only one thing on his mind. You're saying to yourself, Why do I need another all-purpose cleanser? Now Dandy Cleanser isn't just another all-purpose cleaning product. It removes rust, stains, mildew - always leaves a dandy shine. Hey, look! You can see your face in it!
Ray Vecchio: [coming up behind him] No kidding. Can you see my badge in it?
Cleaning Salesman: Yep, I can.
[packs off]
Ray Vecchio: Okay, I know you're acting as Canada's last line of defense here, guarding your consulate against marauding cleanser salesmen, but we've got a problem. You know the gun you took off that purse snatcher yesterday? We ran it through ballistics, and guess what it spit out. Go ahead, guess.
[Fraser doesn't even blink]
Ray Vecchio: You need a clue? It rhymes with, the kid shot somebody. All right, not interested? I'll catch ya later.
[church bells toll]
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray!
Ray Vecchio: Oh, sure, now you wanna talk.

Female officer: Like your dog.
Constable Benton Fraser: He's white.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, very smooth.
Female officer: Call me.
Ray Vecchio: [waving a hand in front of Fraser's face] Get out! And you, get out! 'Call me'! You throw out a lame line like that and she says 'call me'?


"Due South: An Invitation to Romance (#1.18)" (1995)
Katherine Burns: Excuse me, I found my fiancé.
Marriage Clerk: You just told me he wasn't your fiancé.
Katherine Burns: I was mistaken. I didn't recognise him.
Marriage Clerk: [to Fraser] What's your name?
Katherine Burns: [before Fraser can answer] He can't hear you; he's mute.
Fraser: I believe you mean deaf.
Katherine Burns: Oh, yes, thank you sweetheart.
Marriage Clerk: You're marrying a deaf, mute Mountie and you didn't recognise him?
Fraser: Perhaps I can explain...
Marriage Clerk: If he's deaf mute, why is he talking?
Katherine Burns: Now you're criticising the handicapped?

Katherine Burns: [Fraser and Miss Burns are in a garbage truck] My mother wanted me to wear her wedding dress. Of course, always the rebel I had to go out and have my own made. Now look at it.
Fraser: Well, you know, dry cleaners can do er...
[looks at her dress]
Fraser: absolutely nothing with that.

Fraser: This isn't just mail, Ray. This is a highly sensitive Canadian document.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, you guys planning an invasion?
Fraser: Well, I'm not entirely sure. I think I may have said too much already.

Ray Vecchio: I can't believe you threw your hat.
Fraser: Well, it's got an incredibly stiff brim. It's actually specifically designed to...
Ray Vecchio: We're in the middle of a crisis and you throw your hat.
Fraser: I'm sorry, Ray.

Fraser: I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought maybe it was just an inner-ear imbalance.

Ray Vecchio: Nigel J. Ellis?
Fraser: You know him?
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, Ellis Disposal. The guy's dirtier than the garbage he hauls. Toxic spills, illegal dumping - we've tried to nail him, but he's got so many politicians in his pocket he walks with a limp. I can't believe that's the guy you're delivering the invasion plans to!

Fraser: Mr. Ellis, I want to assure you that Kathryn has been completely faithful to you!
Katherine Burns: Except for the part in the honeymoon suite.
Ray Vecchio: Honeymoon suite?
Fraser: I was entirely innocent.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, big shock there.
Fraser: [to Ellis] Unfortunately, if you don't choose to believe this, there's nothing I can say to convince you of it.
Ray Vecchio: What? No Mountie stories? No Inuit tales?

Fraser: We need some kind of diversion. How many bullets do you have left, Ray?
Ray Vecchio: One.
[fires it into the air]
Ray Vecchio: I'm not shooting my car. I blew up the last one for you, and I'm not doing it again.
Fraser: Actually, that wasn't what I had in mind.
Ray Vecchio: Good, 'cause I wasn't gonna do it anyway.


"Due South: The Deal (#1.17)" (1995)
Fraser: Bindlestitch.
Ray Vecchio: You know, you've gotta stop swearing in Eskimo.

Fraser: As a police officer, I'm forbidden to accept gifts.
Frank Zuko: Really?
Fraser: Yes.
Frank Zuko: The officers I know never mentioned that.

Fraser: Excuse me. I, ah...
[realizes he's talking to a mannequin]
Fraser: Ray, maybe you should conduct this interview.
Ray Vecchio: It's moulded plastic, Benny. It's not gonna jump out at you.
Fraser: What, you mean this? If you think I'm embarrassed, you're sorely mistaken.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, yeah, that's why you're turning the color of your uniform.
Fraser: Don't be ridiculous. It's just hot in here, that's all.

Fraser: [in a lingerie store] We would like to ask you a question that is unrelated to either underwear or breasts.

Fraser: Sometimes at night I can still remember him coming into the classroom, swinging that otter over his head. There was just no reasoning with him.

Harding Welsh: I have to ask you this, don't you have a job of your own?
Fraser: Oh, yes sir, but I had the early shift this morning.
Harding Welsh: And you have nothing better to do with your life than hang around here and help us solve crimes?
Fraser: No, sir.

Ray Vecchio: Hey, Elaine, get me a list of all the salmon fisheries in the greater metropolitan area, will ya?
Elaine Besbriss: What?
Fraser: Never mind, Elaine, I believe Ray was just mocking me.

Fraser: I'm sure Detective Vecchio shares your concerns, Mr. Zuko. After all, as you just pointed out, this is his neighbourhood, too.
Frank Zuko: Canadian, right?
Fraser: Yes.
Frank Zuko: Well, then, you understand. I mean, you come from one of those nice clean cities where they have no graffiti, no garbage on the streets, and the people treat each other with respect. Right?
Fraser: Well, I suppose so, yes. Although it's been my experience that many people live their lives thinking that they're respected, only to discover that they've been merely feared. And fears can be overcome.


"Due South: Bird in the Hand (#2.4)" (1995)
Fraser Sr.: Just tried to give him a hand.
Fraser: You don't have a hand.

Ray Vecchio: Ah. here it is. 'Lloyd P. Nash.' You want to know what the 'P' stands for?
Fraser: Is it pertinent?
Ray Vecchio: Not even close.

Fraser: Don't let anyone go in or out of that door.
Constable Turnbull: Including myself?
Fraser: Especially not yourself.
Constable Turnbull: Not in or out.
Fraser: That is correct.
Constable Turnbull: But I'm already out, sir.
Fraser: Yes.
Constable Turnbull: So if I find myself inside, I should just stay there.

Ray Vecchio: Maybe he wanted to kill us too.
Fraser: Well, what possible motive could he have for that?
Ray Vecchio: You know, sometimes you are the most annoying man that I know. There's plenty of times I've wanted to kill ya and I'm your best friend.

Louise St. Laurent: [dumps a two-foot-thick stack of folders on Ray's desk] Vecchio, you're going to trial a week from Wednesday on the Turner brothers' case. I've turned it over to Assistant State's Attorney Hilliard.
Ray Vecchio: Stress-related vacation, Louise?
Louise St. Laurent: I have assured Hilliard that you will have a complete and thorough recollection of the details of the case so as not to embarrass him on the stand, because if you embarrass him, you embarrass me. And you don't want to embarrass me. *Read it*.
[stalks away as Fraser comes in]
Fraser: Busy?
Ray Vecchio: Nope.

Fraser Sr.: [about Gerard] The bastard is sitting in there bragging about how he had me killed, and all I'm asking is that you do one small thing for me! Shoot him in the stomach and let him bleed to death! Think of it as a son's gift to his father - you did forget my birthday.
Fraser: You were dead!
Fraser Sr.: Well, still, one can have feelings. Not even a card!

Ray Vecchio: [giving Fraser a small slip of paper] Here, Benny, do me a favour. Pin this to your chest.
Fraser: It says 'I am mentally deficient'.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, I just want Nash to know so he doesn't shoot us both dead.
Fraser: That's not going to happen, Ray. All I'm going to do is ask him to tell the truth.
Ray Vecchio: Just pin it to your chest.
Fraser: No.
Ray Vecchio: Pin it to your chest!
Fraser: No.

Lt. Harding Welsh: [on the phone with Turnbull] Fraser says put him on the phone.
[Int. consulate; Gerrard pounding on the door]
Constable Turnbull: In order to do that, sir, I would have to confirm that there was someone here.
Gerrard: [yelling from Fraser's office] I have to use the bathroom, you moron!
[Int. Welsh's office]
Lt. Harding Welsh: If he's not there, who's that yelling to use the bathroom?
ATF Agent MacFadden: That's it! I want Vecchio arrested for aiding and abetting!
Lt. Harding Welsh: He says he never even saw the prisoner.
Ray Vecchio: Which is true!
ATF Agent MacFadden: He's complicitous! He knows where he is!
Ray Vecchio: Well, so do you! I want *him* arrested!
Louise St. Laurent: Just go over there and get Gerrard and bring him back.
Fraser: Well, you can't do that, actually. He's on Canadian soil and he's under my protection.
Louise St. Laurent: That's it. Lock him up!
Ray Vecchio: You can't do that! He has diplomatic immunity!
Fraser: Well, actually, strictly speaking, Ray...
Ray Vecchio: Shut up, Fraser!
Fraser: Will do.
Constable Turnbull: If it's of any help, sir, I can confirm that we do have a bathroom.


"Due South: North (#2.1)" (1995)
Ray Vecchio: We're lost.
Fraser: No, we're not. We just don't know where we are.

Fraser: I think I hear a nest of furry nightcrawlers.

Fraser Sr.: When I first joined the Mounted Police, all the equipment we got was a paper bag and a pointed stick. We used the bag to boil tea and the stick was for killing game and if you lost either of them, they charged you for it.
Fraser: Are you ill?

Fraser: There are strange things done in the midnight sun, by the men who -
[trips and falls]
Ray Vecchio: Toil for gold! Yeah, yeah, I heard that one, and then they shot that Sam McGee guy. I told you, I went camping before.
Fraser: Moil, Ray. And they cremated him. It was Dan McGrew that they shot.
Ray Vecchio: Did they catch the guy?
Fraser: It's a poem, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Oh. Moil, huh?
Fraser: Yes, moil, not toil.
Ray Vecchio: Aaah, moil, toil, who cares?
Fraser: Robert Service, apparently.
Ray Vecchio: Who's he?
Fraser: The poet.

Ray Vecchio: Hey, Benny, how long did you say this flight was, anyway?
Fraser: Four hours.
Ray Vecchio: Okay, so where's the john?
[Fraser looks blankly at Ray]
Ray Vecchio: Greeeeat.

Fraser: Dad, I don't know if it's escaped your attention, but only very recently, I received a massive blow to my head!
Fraser Sr.: Yeah... well... you've still got a few good hours left in you. Go get him!
Fraser: What?
Fraser Sr.: Go get your man!
Fraser: Oh, good, I'm glad you brought this up! Just explain this to me, once and for all, explain to me - why is it that we always have to get our man?
Fraser Sr.: Well, it's the motto, son!
Fraser: It is not!
Fraser Sr.: It is!
Fraser: It is not! It is definitely not our motto! Our motto actually is 'Maintain the Right'!
Fraser Sr.: Main - maintain the wh...?
Fraser: Maintain the Right! Now what you're telling me is that we should pursue people to the ends of the earth for a motto that isn't even our motto!
Fraser Sr.: Oh. Well, it must be the new one, then. The old one just used to be go get your man, and bring him back alive, or something... go get him.

Fraser: [suspicious of the pilot] The Territories are northwest, Ray. We've been flying south for two hours. He's also ignoring radio calls and occasionally flying underneath radar coverage.
Ray Vecchio: So what are you saying, we're being hijacked?
Fraser: No, no, not necessarily. But the chafing on his wrists is consistent with a man who's recently been in handcuffs. Add to that the blood on the back of his flight suit, and the prominent bullet hole, well - I leave it up to you.
Ray Vecchio: You couldn't have mentioned this earlier?
Fraser: It's a moot point, Ray. He has a gun, we don't.
Ray Vecchio: This isn't a trick, is it?
Fraser: On my word of honour.
[Ray pulls out his backup gun]
Fraser: But I will have to arrest you, of course, once we land.


"Due South: Diefenbaker's Day Off (#1.2)" (1994)
Ray Vecchio: Now tell me everything you know.
Constable Benton Fraser: And you won't use it against the man in question?
Ray Vecchio: On my word as a transvestite.
Constable Benton Fraser: What's that, Ray?
Ray Vecchio: It's a Chicago thing.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ahh.

Dr. Howard: Constable Fraser. I hear you're quite the Good Samaritan. I didn't know we had any left in this town.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well I'm sure any one of his neighbors would have done the same.
Dr. Howard: [gives a skeptical look] Yeah. Well, Mr. Pike has suffered considerable soft tissue damage, but none of his injuries are life-threatening.
Constable Benton Fraser: Thank you. Oh excuse me, Dr. Howard. Is there any medical reason why Charlie might be prone to these accidents? Perhaps an inner ear imbalance resulting from an old boxing injury?
Dr. Howard: How did you know Charlie was a boxer?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, his nose cartilage has been reduced by almost 80%, and his left eye socket is raised about a half a centimeter above the right, indicating a slight shift in the cranial plates.
Dr. Howard: Where did you study?
Constable Benton Fraser: The Inuvik Public Library. My grandparents were librarians.
Dr. Howard: You're kidding?
Constable Benton Fraser: No.

Constable Benton Fraser: [to Diefenbaker] I brought you supper. Oh you know, I was hoping to, uh, be able to spend some time with you this evening, but I, uh, have a dinner engagement with a very nice woman that I meet in a parking lot. And I can't cancel it because I don't know her phone number - or her name for that matter.
[Dief whines]
Constable Benton Fraser: No, it's not what you're thinking. It isn't. And you know something?
[Dief whines again as Fraser gets nervous about the thought of a date]
Constable Benton Fraser: I-I-I don't appreciate your attitude. Y-y-y-you're very judgmental. Just because you were right once does not make you infallible. I am perfectly capable of handling myself in any situation. I am- I am a Mountie.

Mackenzie King: How much do you make?
Constable Benton Fraser: Me? Well it's in Canadian funds, so you have to deduct 38% , but, uh...
Mackenzie King: Enough.
Constable Benton Fraser: About myself. Absolutely. Consulate work is pretty dull. Although there was this one passport case...
Mackenzie King: Wait a minute. You work at the consulate?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, yes. That's why I'm paid in Canadian funds. It's some- it's and odd governmental regulation.
Mackenzie King: So now you're denying you work with Charlie?
Constable Benton Fraser: With Charlie? No, no. I could never be a professional boxer. I mean, in high school I...
Mackenzie King: I saw you bring him in. Are you telling me you don't feed patients to the clinic. You're not involved in this million dollar insurance scam? You're just this straight-arrow, do-gooding Mountie out to help the little guy? Tell me why I find that hard to believe.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, I understand your skepticism. Appearances can be deceiving. I mean, for example, you're a nurse, yet you wear extremely high heels to work, which indicates either you haven't been a nurse for very long, or you have remarkable arches. Also, the way you hold your wrists suggests you spend many hours at a computer keyboard. And add to that, the slight crick in your neck, which indicates extended phone usage, and the minute traces of printer's ink under your three-quarter-inch nails, which by the way, must make bandaging quite a challenge and a less trusting person might assume that you weren't a nurse at all. A less trusting person might assume that you work, say, for a newspaper but then appearances can be deceiving.
Mackenzie King: And you've known this since...?
Constable Benton Fraser: The parking lot. Also, you should check you tape recorders. I think either your battery is leaking or some liquid has spilled into the motor. From the smell of it, I would say...
[sniffs]
Constable Benton Fraser: mace.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Ray blows through an intersection, ignoring a stop sign] That was a stop sign, Ray.
[Ray speeds through another stop sign]
Constable Benton Fraser: That was another stop sign, Ray.

Constable Benton Fraser: [after Ray presents Dief's new "wolf license"] You got it. I only asked you once, and you got it.
Ray Vecchio: Of course I got it. You asked me for it, right?
Constable Benton Fraser: From the mayor himself?
Ray Vecchio: Well, no. See, I didn't want to bother him, so what I did was, I Xeroxed a dog license and I put in 'wolf'. Wonderful things, photocopiers, huh?

Ray Vecchio: Okay, so how do you know the guy who paid Charlie's a fighter?
Constable Benton Fraser: His wrists. They were completely hairless, indicating he wears gloves that are tied tightly and in constant use.
Ray Vecchio: So we're tracking a guy with hairless wrists.
Constable Benton Fraser: Also, the second knuckle of each hand was slightly lower than the others. His jaw cricked slightly when he spoke, indicating a fractured mandible. And his eyes were shifted downward unilaterally in their sockets, caused no doubt by repeated blows to the zygomatic arch.
Ray Vecchio: Okay, that I'll buy. But how do you know he worked out at this gym?
Constable Benton Fraser: It was written on his T-shirt.
Ray Vecchio: [popping off] You couldn't have said that in the first place? You had to go through the hairless wrists and the fractured mandibles?
Constable Benton Fraser: Sorry, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, man!


"Due South: The Man Who Knew Too Little (#1.14)" (1995)
Fraser: My father said something that's always stuck with me, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Your father never shut up, did he?

Ian MacDonald: Okay, you want the real truth? Here it is. Those guys are part of the Canadian mob.
Ray Vecchio: There's no such thing!
Fraser: On the contrary, Ray, organized crime is a growing problem in Canada.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, all right, so what are we talking about here? Conspiracy to commit jaywalking? Organized littering?
Ian MacDonald: The guy in the hat? Danny 'The Bull' Brock. One of his guys stiffed him on an account, so he took him back into an alley and shot him eight times!
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, now was that one time with eight bullets, or eight separate times? 'Cause in America, after the third trip down the same alley, we start to get a little suspicious.

Fraser: My father said something that's always stuck with me, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Your father never shut up, did he?
Fraser: He said a man with no future will always run to his past.
Ray Vecchio: And when did this come up, Fraser, were you sitting around at breakfast when he came up with these things? Or did he come running into your room and just blurt 'em out?
Fraser: Ray. There's no reason to be sarcastic.
Ray Vecchio: No, I'm just curious. How did he rope these things into everyday conversation? Did he say "Son, did you see the size of that moose? And, by the way, a man with no future will always run to his past"
Fraser: Ray! I'm sorry about your shoe. I thought you wouldn't want it anymore.
Ray Vecchio: You know what my father used to say? A man without a car is nothing. And I don't want to be nothing anymore, Fraser. It's hard on my socks!

Fraser: He went that way
Ray Vecchio: Why? Does the man with no future always turn left?

Fraser: Ray, I thought you'd used up all your vacation time.
Ray Vecchio: No, no, no, this is not a vacation. This is a plum just waiting to be picked. You see, the district sends one detective from each division down to Miami to listen to some lecture on advanced weaponry, and I plan to be said detective.
Fraser: So it's assigned on the basis of merit?
Ray Vecchio: No, it's assigned on the basis of who can suck up to the lieutenant the most without making it obvious.
[knocks on Welsh's door]
Ray Vecchio: Cappuccino, sir?

Fraser: [borrowing Ray's car] Ray, this is silly. How are you going to get to Florida?
Ray Vecchio: I'll fly. It'll be worth the six hundred bucks to get rid of you.
Ian MacDonald: Are you aware that the gas tank in this particular make of car explodes on impact?
Ray Vecchio: You wanna ride in the trunk?
Fraser: Ray, I appreciate this offer, I really do. But you have some sort of special bond with this vehicle. And I'm not saying I understand it, but I do respect it.
Ray Vecchio: Shut up before I change my mind. Now, in the care and operation of this vehicle, there is one thing to remember and hold above all else. Never, I repeat, never use the lighter. Of all the original parts in this car, it was the most difficult to replace. It took me seven years to find that lighter, and since I've owned it, it's never been depressed.
Fraser: Then how do you know it works?
Ray Vecchio: I know in my soul. Do not adjust the passenger seat, open up the glove box, or use anything other than the preset radio buttons.
Fraser: I'll take good care of your car, Ray.

Brendan: You folks stranded, eh?
Ray Vecchio: Canadian?
Brendan: Go on, eh? How'd you know?
Fraser: We're officers of the law, sir, and we're pursuing an escaped perjurer. We'd very much appreciate a lift.
Brendan: Well, hop on in!
Fraser: Thank you kindly.
Ray Vecchio: [sotto voce] This is a sick country you have, Fraser.


"Due South: Manhunt (#1.3)" (1994)
Ray Vecchio: It came over the wire, so as usual I decided to drop my life and bring it on over.
Constable Benton Fraser: I appreciate it, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: You know, this guy must be sixty years old. He doesn't look that dangerous to me.
Constable Benton Fraser: In 1978, Harold Geiger held up a bank in southern Michigan. A guard tried to stop him, he shot the guard and two other employees. The police and the FBI pursued him across five states. Before he crossed into Canada, he'd killed two FBI men, a state trooper and a highway patrol officer. Once he crossed the border, he broke through a massive dragnet, killing a local officer, two provincial police officers, and two members of the RCMP's emergency response team - in short, he killed every cop that got close to him. Except one: Buck Frobisher. Frobisher tracked him up to Whitehorse, caught up with him on a railroad bridge. A struggle ensued. Geiger went over the edge and at the last second Frobisher caught him by the arm. Dangling there 200 feet above the gorge, Geiger reached into his belt, pulled out a hunting knife and jabbed it hilt deep into Frobisher's leg. Still, Sergeant Frobisher managed to pull him up, cuff him, and take him in.
Ray Vecchio: And this guy's coming here to my city?
Constable Benton Fraser: I believe so, yes.
Ray Vecchio: God, I hate tourists!

Constable Benton Fraser: You ran away, but you brought your dress uniform with you?
Buck Frobisher: No, I rented it. If we don't catch him by Tuesday, I have to pay extra.

Ray Vecchio: [Ray, Fraser and Frobisher sneak into Geiger's hideout through the sewer]
Ray Vecchio: I've never been so humiliated in my entire life!
Constable Benton Fraser: Can you hold the lamp a little higher, Ray? If we bump the sides, we'll have to return the canoe scuffed.
Ray Vecchio: Do you have any idea what's in this water?
Constable Benton Fraser: I would suspect a high percentage of ammonia, phosphorus and cyanide.
Ray Vecchio: Wrong, rats. Rats this big, and you know what they're doing? They're laughin' at us! I'm in a canoe with two wounded Mounties and I'm being humiliated by rats!
Buck Frobisher: I think we're getting close.

Ray Vecchio: Okay. This is gonna take some teamwork, so listen up. Here's how it's gonna be. I go up to the front door, you stay in the car. I go into the bar, you stay in the car. I question the locals on the whereabouts of one Walter Ho, you stay in the car. When I get back here, where do I find you guys?
Constable Benton Fraser: In the car?
Ray Vecchio: Exactly.
[heads up into the bar]
Buck Frobisher: Let's go.
Constable Benton Fraser: Right. Oh, and Dief, when we get back, I expect to find you in the car.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Fraser, dressed in his red Mountie uniform, is teaching Social Studies in an elementary classroom] ... which makes the border between Canada and the United States the longest undefended border in the world. So that since their formation, our countries have found a peaceful way to coexist. Except for the War of 1812, where your country invaded ours and we sent you packing - but that's hardly worth mentioning. Now, I think I'll open the floor to questions.
[a boy raises his hand]
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes?
Schoolboy: Do you have to undo all your buttons to go to the toilet?
Constable Benton Fraser: No. Anyone else?
[the boy raises his hand again]
Schoolboy: How many do you have to undo?
Constable Benton Fraser: Just enough to get your trousers undone.
[the boy raises his hand yet another time]
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.
Schoolboy: Do they have toilets in Canada?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes. We do. Anyone else?
[the boy raises his hand]
Constable Benton Fraser: Anyone else a'tall?
[the boy is frantically raising his hand as Fraser ignores him]
Constable Benton Fraser: Any other questions a'tall?

Constable Benton Fraser: Slow down a little... stop, right there.
Ray Vecchio: What, you see another bent twig?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, it's a gum wrapper. And there appears to be something inside.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, of course there is - disease! Somebody had that in their mouth! Now don't be opening that in my car.
Constable Benton Fraser: Geiger gave up smoking in prison using nicotine gum.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, well, that's good. God forbid he should have any bad habits.
[Fraser licks the gum]
Ray Vecchio: Oh, NO! You're tasting things again? Oh, that is the grossest thing I've ever seen!
Constable Benton Fraser: It's nicotine, all right. I see it.
Ray Vecchio: What, more gum?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, a red uniform.


"Due South: Spy vs. Spy (#3.8)" (1997)
Constable Benton Fraser: It's sad and pathetic to watch a grown man gloat over besting a dog.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: You have your hobbies. I have mine.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Are you completely nuts Fraser?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, not completely.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: The guy is a mental patient, Fraser. He picks up taxi calls on a plate in his head.

Constable Benton Fraser: I hope Francesca doesn't mind me using her station.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Yeah, right. She'll never wash the keyboard again.

Lt. Harding Welsh: Canadians have computers now?
Constable Benton Fraser: Strangely, yes.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Fraser, do you think I'm losing my hair?
Constable Benton Fraser: It's full-bodied and bushy, Ray.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: This guy has no labels, so who the hell is he?
Constable Benton Fraser: My guess is, judging by the amount of kasha he has between his teeth, and he arrived in the country today by plane, probably on a Polish or Russian airline. He smokes Russian cigarettes, he has a cyanide cap in his tooth. Some people might conclude, as Mr. Hanrahan does, that he is a Russian spy.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Oh, come on, Fraser! The Russians can't even afford food, let alone spies.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, people can starve, Ray, but a government can always afford spies.


"Due South: One Good Man (#2.8)" (1996)
Ray Vecchio: [admiring John Taylor's car] 66 T-Bird, 72 Riviera.
John Taylor: A Riv? Mint?
Ray Vecchio: Uh, was. I've, uh, gone through a couple of them recently.
Fraser: They were blown up.

Ray Vecchio: Look, Benny, if you want some help, you're gonna have to register a dispute.
Fraser: You're sure?
Ray Vecchio: Yes, well that's what they do here, they handle disputes.
Fraser: I won't be making a fuss?
Ray Vecchio: Well, of course you will, that's the whole point.
Fraser: Ah.
[Fraser walks out of the camera shot, pause, he walks back]
Fraser: I don't have to raise my voice, do I?

Mackenzie King: "It's A Wonderful Life," right?
Fraser: Yes, actually. 32 times. It was the Reverend's favorite film. Well, that and "The Passion of Joan of Arc".
Mackenzie King: No, you see that's why movies are dangerous, Fraser. They take young minds and twist them into believing things like, like courage and hope and one man can make a difference. This may come as a shock to you and the Reverend, but real life is not a Frank Capra movie.

Ray Vecchio: [just before Fraser's filibuster] You know, you're wasting your time.
Fraser: Possibly.
Ray Vecchio: The best you're going to get is a bad case of laryngitis.
Fraser: Probably.
Ray Vecchio: [sighs] Lozenges?
Fraser: Cherry-flavoured?
Ray Vecchio: On my way.
Fraser: Thank you kindly.

Ray Vecchio: [examining his new car] Look, both you and I know you gotta turn this baby over, Al.
Al Grosso: Ray, you're beating me up here. I'm bleeding all over the floor!
Fraser: I got them into this, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: No, what you did was, you helped them clean up that hellhole! If they want any more help than that, tell 'em to call '60 Minutes'!
Fraser: Everybody has a right to a roof over their heads.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, as long as they can pay the rent! What is that? Is that rust, Al? Do I see rust there?
Al Grosso: That's primer.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, and if I was wearin' a dress, I'd be a woman.
Fraser: [looking closely at the bottom of the car] Ohhh, dear.
Ray Vecchio: Ohhh, dear. What do we have here? Oh, yeah! Would you look at that, huh? Huh? Whaddya got to say now, Al?
Al Grosso: Okay! I'll drop off five hundred, but that's it!
Fraser: Well, that would make the final price... oh, well, how much can a frame be worth anyway?
Ray Vecchio: FRAME?
Fraser: Yes, it's spot-welded. It's quite excellent work. Except for this slight contour on the brazing, you really wouldn't know that this vehicle had been severed in half. I'm sure there's still a lot of it that's salvageable.

Fraser: Ray, do you think I expect too much from people?
Ray Vecchio: Well, let's take us climbing up the side of this building, for example.
Fraser: Okay.
Ray Vecchio: Is the building on fire?
Fraser: Ah, no.
Ray Vecchio: Is there a helpless person trapped up on the roof?
Fraser: No.
Ray Vecchio: Is there a hostage to rescue?
Fraser: Not that I'm aware of, no.
Ray Vecchio: Then we're climbing this building because...?
Fraser: Oh, I see. Because I expect too much from people.


"Due South: Mountie on the Bounty: Part 1 (#3.12)" (1998)
Constable Benton Fraser: [Ray is handcuffed to a pipe and Fraser is looking through Ray's pockets trying to find his handcuff keys] Ray, you know, you really should try to keep your things a little more organized.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Look, Fraser, this is the wrong time for advice on neatness.
Constable Benton Fraser: It may be the wrong time for advice, Ray, but it's never the wrong time for neatness.

Constable Benton Fraser: [to the captain of a ship who threatened to tear a man on board apart for being a criminal] We don't think there's any pressing need to disassemble this man. At the moment, he's just a suspect.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Ray is missing and Fraser tries to threaten someone] Tell me where my partner is... or I shall kick you in the head.
Larry: Really?
Constable Benton Fraser: Ah, no.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: [Stan and Fraser are on top of a warehouse roof and are surrounded. The only way they can escape is to jump a long distance below into water] I can't swim.
Constable Benton Fraser: The quality of the water alone will kill us.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Does everybody in Canada know everybody?
Constable Benton Fraser: No.

Constable Benton Fraser: [the ship is sinking and Fraser sees fish out of a port window] Would you look at that!
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: It's a fish!
Constable Benton Fraser: It's a sign, Ray.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: It's not a sign, Fraser, it's a fish!
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, it's a trout, actually, which is a sign that the water quality in the Great Lakes is returning to normal.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: It's not a sign, Fraser, it's a fish! That means the boat's sinking, we're dying!
Constable Benton Fraser: [Realizes Ray is right] Well, yes, it's a sign of that too.


"Due South: An Eye for an Eye (#1.13)" (1995)
Fraser: Where I come from... the challenges are quite different. There are no drug dealers or pimps, few thieves to bother with. There's only the environment, and surviving in the face of it is the challenge... of the Inuit. A mother gives birth somewhere out on a glacier field, hundreds of miles from the nearest outpost. And she knows the odds are stacked against her son even living to see the spring; disease, or the lack of food, the elements. And even if he should survive and grow to be a boy, she knows very well that all he has to do is lose his footing on the smooth surface of a glacier and that will be that. In other words, she should know that her son... cannot live. So, why should she try? Well, I know this woman. I helped deliver her son. She was weak and undernourished, but the next morning she stood up and she picked her child up in her arms and... and she set out again into the blinding snow and I think... I think that was the single most courageous act I've ever seen.

Fraser: Ray, sapling!
[pointing to a small sapling tree coming up]
Ray Vecchio: Where?
Fraser: Twelve o'clock.
Ray Vecchio: [bashes it with the front bumper] Got it!

Fraser: [as Ray is trying to retrieve Herb's baseball bat from a small boy] Ray, please! Children are just like people, only smaller. All you have to do is reason with them. Now, son, that bat is important evidence in a criminal investigation, and we'd be most grateful if you'd cooperate.
Little Boy: A hundred bucks!
Fraser: I see. Ray?
Ray Vecchio: Okay, kid. Can you spell 'penitentiary'? Let's try it together. P-E-N...
Little Boy: [shoves the bat at Ray] Okay, here!

Ray Vecchio: So you decided to scare the vigilante by destroying the only piece of evidence we have against him?
Fraser: Well, he may try again, Ray. I felt it was worth the risk.
Ray Vecchio: Fraser, it's about time someone told you. It's the little things like this that make them not want you back across the border.

Ray Vecchio: Oh, no, Fraser, not another dumpster! I am NOT getting in a dumpster with you! Fraser, there's no way I'm getting into this dumpster with you! Don't even think about it, don't even suggest it! You know how many suits I've ruined frolicking in refuse for you?
Fraser: [passing over an armful of aluminum tubes] Here, check these.
Ray Vecchio: It's a waste of time! Half the stuff in there would qualify as a weapon.
Fraser: Well, it would have to be something concealable, probably under a coat.
Ray Vecchio: No, that's not it... and that's not it... Aha! There it is!
Fraser: That's not blood, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Well, sure it is. It's red and it's sticky. Yech!
Fraser: [tastes the spot and shakes his head] Ketchup.
Ray Vecchio: Well, who sits in a dumpster and eats ketchup?
Fraser: [picking a french fry off Ray's shoulder] Probably someone who likes french fries.

Fraser: [shaking hands with Welsh] Thank you very kindly for your time, Lieutenant. And as usual, our conversation has been extremely helpful.
Harding Welsh: I'm so glad, Constable.
Fraser: [proffering an envelope] Also, sir, I think you'll be pleased to know that I've taken the liberty of officially reprimanding myself.
Harding Welsh: Oh, good, good. Put it in the file with the rest of them.
[Ray sticks out his hand]
Harding Welsh: Get out of my office!


"Due South: The Mask (#2.6)" (1996)
Eric: Special sauce!
Constable Benton Fraser: [licking the sauce] It's him.
Ray Vecchio: I don't believe this! We're trackin' a Happy Meal!

Ray Vecchio: Fraser, there's black smoke coming out of your apartment.
Constable Benton Fraser: Not to worry, let's go.
Ray Vecchio: Not to worry?
Constable Benton Fraser: It's a cooking fire, Ray, it's completely harmless. Believe it or not, there's an entire family of Tsimshian living up there.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, what are they, tryin' to elect the Pope?

Ray Vecchio: [researching class restaurants while driving] Here, Benny, do me a favour. You pick one out.
Constable Benton Fraser: Crabs 'n' Things.
Ray Vecchio: Would you give that to Eric, please?
Eric: Hey! How about The Loose Moose?
Ray Vecchio: Just gimme that. You guys know nothing about wining and dining women! Eric, hold the wheel.

Ray Vecchio: [after saying "au revoir" to Ms. Duchamp] Women 101. Learn at least one word in every foreign language.
Constable Benton Fraser: Understood.
Louise St. Laurent: [off screen] VECCHIO!
Ray Vecchio: For this one, vamanos!

Ray Vecchio: [about the masks] Yeah, well, they give me the creeps.
Constable Benton Fraser: You should stop looking at them.
Ray Vecchio: They're looking at me!
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, it's interesting you should say that, Ray, because that's what they're intended to do. The inner mask has its eyes open and the outer mask has its eyes closed, and they interlock, one inside the other. It's the only matching set in existence.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, that's great. Can we go now?
[starts toward the door as Fraser checks the security system]
Ray Vecchio: Fraser...
Constable Benton Fraser: Coming.
[double-checks the system]
Ray Vecchio: Fraser...
Constable Benton Fraser: Coming.
[triple-checks the system]
Ray Vecchio: FRASER!
Constable Benton Fraser: Yup!
[runs after Ray]

Ray Vecchio: So you fell.
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, I fell.
Ray Vecchio: You fell.
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, Ray. I fell.
Ray Vecchio: Now you see, that doesn't make any sense, because Mounties don't just fall. They leap, they bound, they grand-jete - but they don't just fall.


"Due South: Asylum (#3.9)" (1997)
Francesca Vecchio: You smell great.
Constable Benton Fraser: That would be the neats foot oil.
Francesca Vecchio: You wear neats foot oil?
Constable Benton Fraser: On my Sam Browne.
[Francesca gives Fraser a blank look not knowing what that means]
Constable Benton Fraser: On my belt.

Constable Turnbull: Sir, your presence.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: 'Your presence'? What are you? Like a king or something?
Constable Benton Fraser: To Turnbull, yes.

Robert Fraser: Close the door, son. Anyone would think you were born in a barn.
Constable Benton Fraser: I was.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: [Stan and Fraser, both in red serge are tied to chairs awaiting help] I'm not going to jail. The food, the conversation, the sexual hijinks, I can't handle it.
Constable Benton Fraser: You may not have to, Ray. I think help is on the way.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Oh yeah. In what form?
Constable Benton Fraser: Diefenbaker.

Constable Benton Fraser: What are you going to do? There are millions of people watching.
Damon Cahill: Didn't hurt OJ.

Sandor: I was having a drink the other night with this guy. Definitely an O.C., a big talker, real big mouth, right? He's talking about how Fillion brought him in on this big job. Now here's the kicker - he had this real stinky painting with him. Said Fillion had gave it to him. It was like, a Rottweiler playing poker with his friends or something.
Constable Benton Fraser: Fillion.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Fillion, Herndorff, Cahill, Kilrea. Hey, it's got the makings of a bonspiel...
[freezes and groans]
Constable Benton Fraser: What's wrong?
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: I just made a curling reference. I'm gonna go lie down.


"Due South: Vault (#2.2)" (1995)
Ray Vecchio: [Fraser and Ray are trapped in a bank vault] Check for ventilation.
Fraser: Got it.
Ray Vecchio: A vent?
Fraser: Yes, and we are in luck, Ray; it is completely sealed off.
Ray Vecchio: What?
Fraser: Air tight, obviously for security. Rest easy, Ray, the money is perfectly safe.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, that's a relief because for a moment there I was concerned all these little Thomas Jeffersons were going to run out of oxygen!
Fraser: Ray, there is no need for either sarcasm or panic. We are in an eight by ten room with a ten foot ceiling. That gives us roughly eight hundred cubic feet of air. It is now 3:15 and the time lock is not due to open until 8 a.m. so there is no danger of us suffocating for at least... You know Ray, in situations like these, the Inuit...
Ray Vecchio: Ohhhh, we're gonna die!

Fraser: [calculating the drilling time] ... Now that is 130 minutes in total. The upshot of this, Ray, is that we need a plan.
Ray Vecchio: Well, there is a plan, Fraser, and it goes something like this: They drill the door, they blow the door, they shoot us with automatic weapons, and we die.
Fraser: Hmm. What about a happier plan, Ray? One in which we surprise them, we disarm them, and we rescue the hostages?
Ray Vecchio: And we do all this with a tuning fork? Look, Fraser, if I had a choice between one of their plans and one of yours, I'd choose theirs. It's probably safer.

Fraser: You know, Ray, there's only one way to break out of here, rescue your sister, and prevent this robbery.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, how's that?
Fraser: It'd be dangerous. You'd be risking your life. You'd have to trust me implicitly.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, well I don't trust you at all.
Fraser: You don't really mean that.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, yes I do. I mean, why should I trust you? In the last two years, you've risked our lives twenty-four times.

Ovitz: [watching Mountie Will] The man works twelve-hour shifts, never moves a muscle.
Fraser: Who is he?
Ovitz: I don't know. Some yutz in a hat.

Ray Vecchio: I believe the Greeks have a word for this: 'Hubris'.
Fraser: Well, actually, no, Ray. Hubris is overweening pride or wanton insolence.
Ray Vecchio: Hmm. What about 'pathos'?
Fraser: Well, pathos is a quality in an artistic representation that excites a feeling of pity or sadness.
Ray Vecchio: Hmm. What about 'onomatopoeia'?
Fraser: Well, onomatopoeia is where any word imitates the sound or action of the thing it describes, i.e. 'woof', 'bow-wow', 'ribbit'...
Ray Vecchio: Irony!

Fraser: [imagining Ray's eulogy] I think I would have said that you were a good friend, and that you'd never failed me.
Ray Vecchio: I didn't, did I?
Fraser: No. Well, except for that one time.
Ray Vecchio: What time?
Fraser: Well, you know, Ray, in a situation like this, it really would be considered nitpicking.
Ray Vecchio: How did I fail you?
Fraser: You didn't really fail me, Ray. In fact, I'd almost forgotten about it.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, well, ten seconds ago you didn't forget about it. You see, this is so like you. Here we are, having a nice 'mano y mano', and you have to ruin it by being honest.


"Due South: The Bounty Hunter (#3.6)" (1997)
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: [about Janet's kids] Those kids are immature.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, they're children, Ray.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: [to Janet and Fraser] Listen to you two. You need professional help.
Constable Benton Fraser: Psychiatric?
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: No, cop help.

Constable Benton Fraser: [to his dead father] By any chance, do they have psychiatrists in the afterworld?

Constable Benton Fraser: [to Janet] You can trust me.

Constable Benton Fraser: [to Janet, about her kids as they run around the police department wildly] Beautiful children.
Janet Morse: They're brats.


"Due South: Letting Go (#1.22)" (1995)
Fraser Sr.: [Fraser is in hospital after being shot in the back] Wouldn't catch me moping around here just because I was shot.
Fraser: I suffered massive nerve and muscle damage. I was lucky to survive.
Fraser Sr.: I'd have been back on the post next morning.

Fraser: [Fraser is in a wheelchair after having been shot by Ray and Ray is in a wheelchair after having taken a bullet for Fraser] Does it hurt?
Ray Vecchio: Of course it hurts.
Fraser: Thanks.
Ray Vecchio: For what, getting shot?
Fraser: Yeah.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, I figured you'd like that.
Fraser: Well, I'm not proud about that but I'll admit I did get a certain perverse pleasure out of it.
Ray Vecchio: Aha! You see, you were mad at me.
Fraser: Well, you shot me in the back.
Ray Vecchio: Well, that was an accident.
Fraser: Well, I know, so was yours
[pause]
Fraser: I mean, it was an accident, wasn't it?
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, of course it was.
Fraser: Well, there you go then. Enough said. Even Steven.

[Explaining an unusual scar]
Fraser: It was an otter, I was ten, it was dead, someone hit me with it. Can we move on?

Ray Vecchio: Benny, not every woman with long dark hair tries to kill her lover.
Fraser: Oh.

Fraser's Grandmother: [off screen] Robert!
Fraser Sr.: Oh, my God!
Fraser: What?
Fraser's Grandmother: [comes bearing a set of pajamas] Here, tell him to put these on. They're warmer.
Fraser Sr.: It's seventy degrees! These won't do him any good!
Fraser: Who are you talking to?
Fraser Sr.: You don't see her?
Fraser: [baffled] No.
Fraser Sr.: It's your grandmother. She brought you some pajamas.
Fraser: Oh. Well, thank her for me.
Fraser Sr.: Of course.
Fraser's Grandmother: [after giving Fraser the once-over] You're babying him, Robert!
Fraser Sr.: He's been shot, Mother!
Fraser's Grandmother: Can't stay in bed forever!
[exits]
Fraser Sr.: You didn't see her?
Fraser: No.
[shrugs]
Fraser: How is she?
Fraser Sr.: She's not dead enough, son.


"Due South: The Edge (#2.9)" (1996)
Constable Benton Fraser: [Fraser and Vecchio are walking in the woods searching for an assassin] Ray, duck.
[Vecchio hits the ground, as a mallard quacks nearby]
Constable Benton Fraser: Anas platyrhynchos. Very unusual sighting for this time of year.
Ray Vecchio: [exasperated] Duck.
[gets back up, brushing himself off]
Ray Vecchio: Duck. Duck means duck! Duck doesn't mean duck!

Fraser: I haven't made a miscalculation since...
Ray Vecchio: Since when?
Fraser: Well, since the last time you shot me. I'm just grateful you had the presence of mind to shoot me again.

Fraser: Is this a dream or are you still dead?
Fraser Sr.: Still dead, son. Thanks for asking.

[following a land mine encounter, Ray is carefully stepping in Fraser's footprints]
Constable Benton Fraser: [impatiently] Ray, come on.
Ray Vecchio: What are you, kiddin' me? One false step and I'm an extra in an Indiana Jones movie!

Constable Benton Fraser: They didn't believe me?
Ray Vecchio: In a word, no.
Constable Benton Fraser: They think I miscalculated?
Ray Vecchio: In a word, yes.
Constable Benton Fraser: So they're pursuing their own line of suspects?
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, the Granola Lady. They're gonna have every health-food store in the country surrounded by five PM.


"Due South: Flashback (#2.18)" (1996)
Fraser: Who the hell are you?
Ray Vecchio: What? Quit kidding around; you know who I am!
Fraser: Who the hell am I?
Ray Vecchio: ...Oh dear.

Ray Vecchio: Your name is Constable Benton Fraser.
Fraser: So that's F-R-A-S-I-E-R?
Ray Vecchio: No, that's F-R-A-S-E-R.
Fraser: And you are...?
Ray Vecchio: Ray.
Fraser: Ah. R-A-Y?
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, yeah.

Fraser: Hold on a second. That woman looked straight at me.
Ray Vecchio: So?
Fraser: Well, Ray, for a Muslim woman to make direct eye contact with a strange man, it violates a deep cultural tradition.
Ray Vecchio: Fraser, I don't think that's a violation under the Illinois Criminal Code.
[a robbery alarm sounds down the street]
Fraser: That is!

Elaine Besbriss: [on the radio] Ray, it's Elaine. I've got bad news; nothing on the van.
Ray Vecchio: I was afraid of that.
Elaine Besbriss: I thought you'd want to know, Welsh's temperature is rising by the minute. How are you doing with Benton?
Ray Vecchio: [sarcastically] Great, makin' a lot of progress.
Fraser: Can I ask you something?
Ray Vecchio: Yeah.
Fraser: What the hell kinda name is 'Benton', anyway?
Ray Vecchio: [sighing] This is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.

Ray Vecchio: Did you get anything on that license plate? One letter, even?
Fraser: No.
Ray Vecchio: You remember this car?
Fraser: Can't say as I do.
Ray Vecchio: A beauty like this is one in a million.
[flashback to 'The Man Who Knew Too Little' and the fate of Ray's first car]
Ray Vecchio: It's irreplaceable. And thanks to you, it got blown up... TWICE.


"Due South: Chicago Holiday: Part 1 (#1.7)" (1994)
Man in Leather Bar: I've been bad. I've been very bad. Please punish me.
Fraser: There's nothing so bad that it can't be forgiven, son.

[Christina pays Gerome to speed up, getting away from Fraser's cab]
Henry: I need more, too.
Fraser: Well, all I have left is Canadian.
Henry: Fine, then, I'll drive thirty percent slower.

Christina Nichols: When do I get my own life? When do I get to do what I want to do? When do I get to stop being the perfect little princess and go skinny-dipping?
Gerome: Public pool, coming up!
Fraser: You, keep driving.
Christina Nichols: I want to stay out all night and come home when the sun comes up, and I want to fall in love with somebody I just met, and I want to kiss somebody who's not related to me!
Gerome: I can pull over right here...
Fraser: Keep driving!

Fraser: [as Christina's cab is getting away] I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to break the speed limit.
Henry: How much?
Fraser: By as little as necessary.
Henry: How much money?
Fraser: Uh... here.
[hands over a Canadian $5]
Henry: It's red.
Fraser: It's Canadian.
Henry: It's got your picture on it.
Fraser: No, that's the RCMP Musical Ride.
Henry: [handing the bill back] It's not a good likeness at all.
Fraser: Oh, uh... here.
[hands over an American $20]
Henry: Now this guy I know!
[floors it]

Det. Ray Vecchio: So what's the emergency?
Fraser: Well, I've been assigned to escort the daughter of Canada's senior trade negotiator.
Det. Ray Vecchio: The one in the green dress dancing with the doofus?
Fraser: He's the American ambassador's son.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Looks like a very painful experience.
Fraser: Well, dancing with the Americans often is, Ray. Speaking politically, of course, not personally.


"Due South: Burning Down the House (#3.1)" (1997)
Constable Benton Fraser: [goes over to inspect the electrical socket outside the Vecchio home]
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Hey! What are you doin'?
Constable Benton Fraser: [Looks up inquisitively]
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: I don't know where you come from, but I come from this little place called America where we got this big thing called electricity. Word of advice. Your tongue, electricity, not a good mix.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Fraser and Diefenbaker are walking home] Oh, for God's sake. I think I provided ample explanation. Ray was otherwise engaged and taxi policy precludes the transportation of wolves. Come on.
[Dief whines]
Constable Benton Fraser: Aside from which, we're almost home. At the end of the alley, turn right, cross the street, climb the stairs and we'll be snug as bugs...
[sees that his apartment building is on fire]
Constable Benton Fraser: in a fire.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: [the car they are in has exploded and is on fire. The boys take it through a car wash, attempting to extinguish the flames but the car wash only makes it worse] What is this? Some kind of super fire?
Constable Benton Fraser: No. You shouldn't have pressed the hot wax option.

[last lines]
Fraser Sr.: We need to find somewhere to live.
Constable Benton Fraser: What do you mean, we?
Fraser Sr.: That's a cruel joke, son. I've been thinking about an office. I need an office.
Constable Benton Fraser: What the hell would you do with an office?
Fraser Sr.: Oh, just office work, my memoirs, catch up on my taxes.
Constable Benton Fraser: Taxes? You've been dead for two years.
Fraser Sr.: Oh, they find you, son.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Geiger?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, Geiger was an escaped convict sworn to vengeance on a legendary Mountie who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Canadian actor and comedian Leslie Nielsen.
Fraser Sr.: Who has yet to receive the Order of Canada.
Constable Benton Fraser: Long overdue.


"Due South: The Witness (#2.3)" (1995)
Ray Vecchio: Right, so we're gonna protect him. You and me, surrounded by nine thousand violent offenders.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray, for God's sakes, don't blow the situation out of proportion. There's only 8,973 prisoners in here.
Ray Vecchio: And I thought our odds didn't look good.

[Fraser trying - and failing - to shoplift and get into the prison]
Jack Huey: Fraser, you can do this.
Constable Benton Fraser: [chortling] Yeah, I can do this.
[strides toward the Milk Duds then promptly turns back]
Constable Benton Fraser: No, I can't. I can't do this.
Louis Gardino: Oh, come on...
[stuffs a box of Milk Duds into Fraser's jacket pocket]
Jack Huey: There! You're under arrest.
Constable Benton Fraser: [relieved] Ah, thank you kindly. I have the right to remain silent, anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law...

[sitting down to watch "Sullivan's Travels"]
Ray Vecchio: What's wrong with the picture? It's in black and white.
Constable Benton Fraser: There's nothing wrong with it. It's just old, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: Yeah, well, if it was any good, it'd be in colour.
Constable Benton Fraser: It was made in black and white, Ray. It's a classic.
Ray Vecchio: 'The Ten Commandments' is a classic, Benny. 'The Poseidon Adventure' is a classic. 'Saturday Night Fever' with my man John Travolta, that's a classic. This is black and white.
Constable Benton Fraser: Shhhh!

Constable Benton Fraser: I'm not asking for your permission, sir. Nor should this be construed as some kind of bid for absolution. I simply felt that you ought to be informed, as a superior officer. Mind you, I realise you're not my superior officer; we don't even work for the same police force. Or the same country, for that matter. On the other hand, it would appear that my own superior officer would prefer not to be my superior officer, so under the circumstances, it didn't seem entirely inappropriate to...
Lt. Harding Welsh: Stop!
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, sir.
Lt. Harding Welsh: This has to do with Vecchio, doesn't it?
Constable Benton Fraser: That would be a safe assumption, sir, yes.
Lt. Harding Welsh: You've seen him?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, sir, and he claims to have had an altercation... with a floor.
Lt. Harding Welsh: Any particular type of floor?
Constable Benton Fraser: Interlocking linoleum, I believe.
Lt. Harding Welsh: Oh, yeah, they can be very tricky.

Ray Vecchio: What'd you steal?
Constable Benton Fraser: Uhh, I'd rather not talk about it.
Ray Vecchio: No, c'mon, what'd you steal? A car?
Constable Benton Fraser: No.
Ray Vecchio: Television set?
Constable Benton Fraser: No.
Ray Vecchio: What?
[Fraser mumbles something unintelligible]
Ray Vecchio: Excuse me?
Constable Benton Fraser: Milk Duds.
Ray Vecchio: [laughing] Milk Duds! What'd the judge give you, an hour and a half?


"Due South: Hunting Season (#4.11)" (1999)
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Fraser, stop. Turn around.
[Fraser turns around and Ray kisses Maggie on a cheek]
Constable Maggie MacKenzie: Turn around again.
[after Fraser turns back to face them]
Constable Benton Fraser: You done?
[after Ray and Maggie kiss]
Constable Maggie MacKenzie: So, if I need help taring the roof of my trailer, will you come?
[walking along with Fraser after Ray departs]
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.
Constable Maggie MacKenzie: What if my generator breaks down in the middle of the night and I'm cold and lonely, can I call ya?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.
Constable Maggie MacKenzie: What if I need advice on some unsolvable case or some elusive criminal?
Constable Benton Fraser: Call me. You know, if you need some advice, um, about a relationship or things of a female nature...
Constable Maggie MacKenzie: Really?
Constable Benton Fraser: Don't call me.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: You got a thing for her?
Constable Benton Fraser: For Rosey? Oh, for Maggie. It depends of what you mean by 'thing', Ray.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Well, okay, to be honest with you, um... I-I-I got some feelings for her.
Constable Benton Fraser: Then we both have feelings.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: I knew it, I knew it. A great girl comes along, ah, one I can get really close to, and you're after her like a mad rabit Canadian dog.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray, Maggie and I both have a lot in common.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Yeah, you're both Canadian and you're both kind of odd.
Constable Benton Fraser: I do feel oddly comfortable with her.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Oddly comfortable? That's great - love Canadian style.
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, she might prefer you.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Oh, yeah, she's not going to go for the good-looking freak who speaks the same language, she's going to go for the Chicago flat-floot with the experimental hair.

Margaret Thatcher: I'm sorry, Fraser, but you have to learn people can't be trusted.
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, sir.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: You know the funny thing: I have never met a Mountie girl before.
[speaking to MAggie]
Constable Benton Fraser: What about inspector Thatcher?
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: What about her?

Margaret Thatcher: Constable Fraser.
[after opening Fraser's office closet and finding him and Maggie in there]
Constable Benton Fraser: Inspector Thatcher. Sorry.
Margaret Thatcher: For?
Constable Benton Fraser: I'm not sure.


"Due South: Perfect Strangers (#3.10)" (1997)
Constable Benton Fraser: What was that all about?
Robert Fraser: What was what all about?
Constable Benton Fraser: You know perfectly well what, Inthatcher Spector's loins.

Scalper: Hey, you need Leaf tickets?
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Leafs suck.
Scalper: Leafs rule.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Hawks rule.
Scalper: Hawks suck.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: You suck.
Constable Benton Fraser: You are bilingual, Ray.

Cab Driver: Careful of the far side.
[as Thatcher and Fraser get into the back seat of the cab]
Margaret Thatcher: Oh! It's wet!
Cab Driver: I was carrying ice.
Margaret Thatcher: Oh, excuse me, Fraser, I'm wet.
[moving away from the wet seat and sitting right aside Fraser]
Constable Benton Fraser: Oh, it's perfectly all right, sir.

Margaret Thatcher: The thing is, I've been a little pre-occupied lately.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ah. I hadn't noticed.
Margaret Thatcher: Well, I have. You know I went to my friend Nancy's baby shower just now. Thank you, by the way, for your advice on the gift - you were absolutely right.
Constable Benton Fraser: Oh, I'm glad.
Margaret Thatcher: You're a surprisingly sensitive man, for all your physical strength and courage.
Constable Benton Fraser: Please, sir.
[almost blushing]
Margaret Thatcher: I've been thinking lately about having a child.
Constable Benton Fraser: Really? Well, ah, I think you would make a Cracker Jack mother.
Margaret Thatcher: Thank you, Fraser. It's an enormous under taking. And you know me, I mean, I wouldn't even know how to start. That's where you come in. Is your seat wet, too?
[after Fraser shows a little discomfort]
Constable Benton Fraser: No, sir.
Margaret Thatcher: Anyway, I-I was thinking with all your experience in the field you might be the kind of man that knows a thing of two about this sort of business. I was hoping to... involve you in the process.
Constable Benton Fraser: In the process?
Margaret Thatcher: We'd have to be very discrete. And naturally I'd want to get the whole thing over as quickly as possible.
Constable Benton Fraser: Naturally.
Margaret Thatcher: So, I can count on you then to be up for this?
Constable Benton Fraser: Oh, well, look-look where we are - good old police station.
[Fraser opens the door and gets out quickly]


"Due South: Odds (#4.6)" (1998)
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, Ray, it's very difficult to anticipate an exploding wall.

Thomas E. Dewey: Good as she is, I think I could take her.
Jack Huey: Please. You think you could take her?
Thomas E. Dewey: Yeah, I think I could take her. You wanna know why?
Jack Huey: Why?
Thomas E. Dewey: Because she's a woman. I mean, not to disrespect the gender, but the game of poker is designed by men, for men, and that is why the men know...
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, actually, if I'm not mistaken, poker derives from the ancient Persian game of AsNas, which was designed as a diversion for their women of the Imperial Court.

Constable Benton Fraser: I'll take that air now, Ray.
[speaking of throwing air down in a poker game instead of tangible money, after he wins]
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: I'm tapped out.
Constable Benton Fraser: I'll accept an I.O.U.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: An I.O.U. air?
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: I want you to honor your wager.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: That's stupid.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: What's with Deif'?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, I'm not sure. It might be love, then again it might just be worms.


"Due South: Red, White or Blue (#2.17)" (1996)
Ray Vecchio: What did she say?
Fraser: She called me a moron.
Ray Vecchio: She's a very perceptive woman.

Ray Vecchio: Ugh, you're the most irritating man in the world.
Fraser: Define irritating.
Ray Vecchio: Well, no, you look it up, Mr. Encyclopedia.
Fraser: Well, I think you mean Mr. Dictionary.

Ray Vecchio: It's like that time with Frobisher, when that guy Counter stabbed you in the shoulder ...
Fraser: Geiger.
Ray Vecchio: What?
Fraser: The man's name was Geiger.
Ray Vecchio: His name is Geiger Counter?
Fraser: No, it's just 'Geiger', no 'Counter', and he stabbed me in the leg.
Ray Vecchio: Leg, shoulder, what difference does it make?
Fraser: Well, Ray, when you're the one being stabbed, the difference is remarkable.

Randal K. Bolt: Now give us what we want, or we'll blow the building!
Ray Vecchio: You are not gonna blow the building!
Randal K. Bolt: Say what?
Ray Vecchio: You are not a martyr! You're just a self-centered little creep who wants to get his face in the paper!
Fraser: Are you talking about me, Ray?
Ray Vecchio: Indirectly.


"Due South: Juliet Is Bleeding (#2.7)" (1996)
Ray Vecchio: [seeing Diefenbaker outside the restaurant] Who invited him?
Constable Benton Fraser: You did.
Ray Vecchio: To stay in the car.
Constable Benton Fraser: Oh, well, then I misunderstood. I thought it being a very special occasion, and that Diefenbaker was in part responsible for your...
Ray Vecchio: Responsible? He tagged along!
Constable Benton Fraser: But he's been looking forward to this.
Ray Vecchio: Fraser, there are no wolf portions on the menu.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Ray Vecchio: All right, all right, I'll bring you a doggie bag!

Charlie: So you want to help Frank Zuko, huh?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, I have no interest in seeing Mr. Zuko anywhere but in prison.
Charlie: So, how can I help ya, Constable?
Constable Benton Fraser: A police officer, a friend, has been killed. And I would like to see the killer brought to justice.
Charlie: Agreed. Dead cops are bad for business. Even Frankie-boy knows that.
Constable Benton Fraser: And yet, every piece of evidence points to him.
Charlie: And this gives you a problem?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, if it means that the real killer of Louis Gardino goes free.
Charlie: What a piece of work. You got Zuko in the wringer, and you don't wanna pull the handle? And you call yourself a cop?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, what I want for Mr. Zuko and what the law dictates are two different things. And right now, that difference is the only thing that's keeping him alive.
Charlie: You're renewin' my faith.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, I'm glad. Now, someone has gone to a lot of trouble to help the police. That would presume a motive.
Charlie: To bring Frank down? Find me somebody who doesn't have one. He ain't like his father.
Constable Benton Fraser: Very few of us are.

Ray Vecchio: [glaring at Zuko] We get a side room, he gets the whole joint. He drinks hundred-dollar bottles of wine, we get spit. He still owns this neighbourhood. Boy, what I wouldn't give to go another round with him.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, perhaps we should just skip coffee altogether and go bowling.
Ray Vecchio: Aah, what the heck. I'm gonna go shake his peaches.
[heads for Zuko's table]
Constable Benton Fraser: 'Shake his peaches'?
Louis Gardino: Yeah, the part where we break chairs over their heads.

Michael Sorrento: You look lost.
Constable Benton Fraser: What makes you say that?
Michael Sorrento: Intuition.
[Diefenbaker growls deeply]
Constable Benton Fraser: I have a present for you, from Mr. Zuko.
[hands over the cigar clip]
Michael Sorrento: I already got one.
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, well, he thinks yours may be damaged. These really should not be used to cut wire. Good night.


"Due South: Victoria's Secret: Part 1 (#1.20)" (1995)
Fraser: What's wrong with your hat?
Fraser Sr.: Oh, well this is the one they buried me in. They had to snip off the back so I could lie flat. I'm sure they meant well but they don't know how embarrassing these things can be in the afterlife.

Fraser Sr.: I arrested your mother once.
Fraser: You did not!
Fraser Sr.: Honest to God! I gave her a speeding ticket.
Fraser: You knew it was her car and you pulled her over anyway?
Fraser Sr.: Nope - I was right there in the passenger seat.
Fraser: Get out!
Fraser Sr.: She was doing 45 in a 30.
Fraser: Mum?
Fraser Sr.: I kept telling her I was going to do it, and every time I did she kept speeding up! Made absolutely no sense.

[first lines]
Ray Vecchio: You know how long that pool table's been in my basement?
Fraser: Fifteen years.
Ray Vecchio: My old man brought it home for Mothers' Day, on Fathers' Day she let him back in the house.

Peddlar: Hey, mister, mister! Take a look! Twenty bucks for a genuine Eskimo soapstone sculpture.
Fraser: [examining the "sculpture"] Actually, this isn't soapstone. It's not even stone - it's soap. And you might be curious to discover that the Inuit are not indigenous to Taiwan.
Peddlar: Weren't they supposed to have crossed the Bering Strait?
Fraser: Point taken.


"Due South: The Promise (#2.5)" (1996)
Insp. Meg Thatcher: I don't dislike animals, Fraser. I've had pets.
Constable Benton Fraser: Really.
Insp. Meg Thatcher: Small ones. A dachshund.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ah.
Insp. Meg Thatcher: He died.

Ray Vecchio: Ah, somebody has a sweet tooth!
Constable Benton Fraser: Hmmm.
Ray Vecchio: Did I ever tell you how much I hate it when you go 'hmmm'?
Constable Benton Fraser: Hmmm.

Ray Vecchio: Are you saying I don't have any etiquette?
Constable Benton Fraser: Etiquette is a loose codification of the rules of conduct in a polite society, and I believe that precludes accusing a United States Senator of murder, corruption, and moral deviance.
Ray Vecchio: Fraser, this is America. We do that all the time.

Ray Vecchio: Look, you spend your days picking other people's pockets, sooner or later you're going to tick somebody off.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, that's hardly comforting to a fourteen-year-old, now is it?
Ray Vecchio: Well, what do you care so much about this kid for?
[Fraser hesitates]
Ray Vecchio: Okay. Please tell me this doesn't involve sub-zero temperatures or Inuit legend.
Constable Benton Fraser: No, it does not.
Ray Vecchio: Oh, of course it does. It always does!


"Due South: The Blue Line (#1.16)" (1995)
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, he probably assumed that I was an accomplice.
Det. Ray Vecchio: You're making up a lot of excuses for this guy, Benny.
Constable Benton Fraser: No I'm not, I'm just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Det. Ray Vecchio: What he doesn't need is more benefits! You know what a place like this costs? This guy must be pulling down seven figures for playing one of the stupidest sports ever invented. Every time I pick up the paper, he's whining about his knee, complaining about this, moaning about that...
Constable Benton Fraser: Hockey is a very demanding sport, Ray.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Oh, gimme a break, I was just being polite calling it a sport.

[using Ray's new car for gunfire cover]
Det. Ray Vecchio: Brand-new paint job, waxed and detailed! You have any idea what the windows for a Buick Riviera cost?
Constable Benton Fraser: Thought you went home!
Det. Ray Vecchio: Oh, you're welcome!

[first lines]
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, you really should set an example, Ray. After all, you stand for the rule of law, and -
[Ray hangs a sudden left]
Constable Benton Fraser: You just did it again!
Det. Ray Vecchio: Did what?
Constable Benton Fraser: You know perfectly well what.
Det. Ray Vecchio: No, I don't.
Constable Benton Fraser: You just made a turn without indicating.
Det. Ray Vecchio: I wouldn't do that.
Constable Benton Fraser: You just did!
Det. Ray Vecchio: You're seeing things!
Constable Benton Fraser: I'm not seeing things, Ray! You made a left turn at that intersection, and you didn't use your -
[Ray screeches around another corner]
Constable Benton Fraser: There! You just did it again!
Det. Ray Vecchio: Did what?
Constable Benton Fraser: [frustrated] You know, perhaps I'm reading too much into matters, but it would appear that you're doing this on purpose.
Det. Ray Vecchio: [grinning] Yeah, it really annoys you, doesn't it?

Det. Ray Vecchio: [off Fraser watching a taped hockey game] Well, twelve straight hours of hockey seems like a bit much even for you, Fraser.
Mr. Brewer: Fourteen.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Yeah, well, while you guys have been wasting your time here, I've been down at forensics lab wasting mine.
Constable Benton Fraser: No prints?
Det. Ray Vecchio: Too many. Dozen or so postal workers and three or four people down at Smithbauer's PR office.
Mr. Brewer: [shouting at the TV] Shoot, you jerk!
Det. Ray Vecchio: The guy can't hear you, the game was played over two weeks ago!
Mr. Brewer: Your friend don't know nothin' about hockey?
[Fraser shakes his head]


"Due South: The Wild Bunch (#1.15)" (1995)
Det. Ray Vecchio: So the wolf took a piece out of the animal control guy. He's a city bureaucrat - I mean, c'mon, wouldn't you do the same if you had the opportunity?
Willie: Oh, great!
Constable Benton Fraser: Uh, Ray...
Judge Sherman: *Ray* Vecchio?
Det. Ray Vecchio: Uh, yes, Your Honour?
Judge Sherman: [beckons Ray to the bench] You're the cop that got Justice Powell committed to County Psychiatric.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Hey, look, just because a judge gets carried out of court on a stretcher screaming a particular detective's name ...
Judge Sherman: No, no, I'm very honoured, really! See, I've always been curious to know, just how many members of his immediate family did you actually indict?
Det. Ray Vecchio: Well, four, including the toddler, but that was an unfortunate error ...
Constable Benton Fraser: Uh, Your Honour, about my wolf?

[last lines]
Det. Ray Vecchio: Well, I suppose it's kind of a nice typical thing, you blowing up the Riv and me saving your wolf. On the other hand, my Riv can't be replaced, but your wolf just had triplets.
Constable Benton Fraser: What do you mean, can't be replaced?
Det. Ray Vecchio: Fraser, '71 Rivieras are extremely rare. I travelled all the way to Buffalo to find that car. They're impossible to find!
Constable Benton Fraser: [glancing away toward the street] Huh.
Det. Ray Vecchio: 'Huh' what?
[Fraser points at a passing '71 Riviera with a 'For Sale' sign in the window]
Det. Ray Vecchio: Oh, my God!
[runs shouting after the car]
Det. Ray Vecchio: Hey! Hey, stop! Police! Hey, wait! Stop, police! 555-6666, 555-6666, 555-6666! HEY! Hey, wait up!

Det. Ray Vecchio: [on the phone] Vecchio! V-E-C-C... What do you mean, he doesn't remember me? How can he not remember me? Alzheimer's. Well, all right, fair enough.
[hangs up]
Constable Benton Fraser: You know, you don't have to do this, Ray.
Det. Ray Vecchio: C'mon, Fraser, even I know that animal's your best friend.
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes, but he is an animal.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Oh, and the Riviera is just a car?

Det. Ray Vecchio: [after having a door shut in his face] Well, it seems the wolf has made a less than favourable impression on your neighbours.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, I can't see why. I mean, he's really quite personable once you get to know him.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Really? Let's review.
[pulls out his notebook]
Det. Ray Vecchio: One: Runs with pack of motley stray dogs.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, Ray, they're not dangerous. They just haven't had a bath.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Two: Knocked over fifty-seven garbage cans while leading the aforesaid pack.
Constable Benton Fraser: Thirty-seven, and he helped clean them up afterwards. Furthermore, he is not their leader.
Det. Ray Vecchio: Three: Suspected of killing and eating missing neighbourhood pets.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray, really, that's another misconception. Wolves only kill when they're ravenous, and their preferred prey is large, hooved animals. I don't see how Mrs. Pumputis's Pekingese could bear passing resemblance to a caribou... even if it was wearing shoes.


"Due South: Heaven and Earth (#1.19)" (1995)
Garret: There's no floor, just dirt or sand. But it's inside.
Ray Vecchio: Well, what did you see, a factory? A warehouse?
Garret: GOD.
[Fraser and Ray both stare incredulously]
Constable Benton Fraser: God?
Ray Vecchio: Great.

Constable Benton Fraser: It's just that there's a certain matter that I've withheld from you for some time now, and I feel that if I don't clear my conscience soon, I...
Ray Vecchio: Okay, okay, clear.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, it would appear that there is a situation that I have unwittingly encouraged, and it's taken a turn that I perhaps foolishly had not anticipated, or was even aware of as a remote possibility. But insofar as it is a matter of the heart, and directly affects someone who is close to both of us...
Ray Vecchio: Fraser, you've got from here to my desk. Make it count.
Constable Benton Fraser: Saturday last, your sister came to my apartment in the middle of the night dressed in what could only be described as a less than requisite attire and offered herself to me.
Ray Vecchio: Okay, great. Now beat it.
[stops short as it sinks in]
Ray Vecchio: MY SISTER?

Ray Vecchio: So, Francesca.
Constable Benton Fraser: Your sister.
[long pause]
Ray Vecchio: You're not gonna tell me, are you?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, I'm not, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: I'm gonna have to live with this, aren't I?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.
Ray Vecchio: Stupid, right? I mean, if I'd want anybody to sleep with my sister, and I'm not encouraging this... I'd want it to be you.


"Due South: Chicago Holiday: Part 2 (#1.8)" (1994)
Elaine Besbriss: [stuck doing composite sketches] Someone asked me out! This man has been after me for months, and I said no, I wanted to get my sleep. Next time, I'm going to say yes. I mean, you can't keep someone waiting forever, now can you?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, no. That would be unfair.
Det. Ray Vecchio: You want to concentrate here, Elaine? Every sketch you do looks like Fraser in drag.

Det. Ray Vecchio: I am asking you for your help.
Dominatrix: Eat glass!
Det. Ray Vecchio: All right, that's it!
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray! Ray, Ray, Ray.
Det. Ray Vecchio: I'm talking to you, one human being to another.
Dominatrix: You have a very high opinion of yourself.
Constable Benton Fraser: [while Ray fumes] Madame Defarge, Detective Vecchio and I are on the trail of a particularly brutal killer, and we'd be most appreciative of any assistance you could give us.
Dominatrix: Make him say please.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray?
Det. Ray Vecchio: I'm not gonna say it!
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray...
Det. Ray Vecchio: No!
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray...
Det. Ray Vecchio: NO!
Constable Benton Fraser: Ray...!
Det. Ray Vecchio: [seething] PLEASE.
Dominatrix: Pretty please!
Det. Ray Vecchio: That's it!

Janice DeLuca: You wanna die, kid?
Constable Benton Fraser: You can't shoot her.
Janice DeLuca: Watch me.
Constable Benton Fraser: No, no, no. That's a nine-millimeter Beretta. It carries a fifteen-round clip. You've already shot fourteen times.
Janice DeLuca: Bull.
Constable Benton Fraser: No, you have, honestly. Follow this through, you fired, let's see... six in the incinerator, seven in the corridors, and one just...
Janice DeLuca: All right, all right!
Constable Benton Fraser: So what this basically means is that you have one bullet left, and then you're defenseless. Now I don't think you can afford to use it on her, so she's going to walk away now.
Christina Nichols: No, I'm not!
Constable Benton Fraser: [rolling his eyes] Have you ever said something that you truly regretted?


"Due South: The Duel (#2.16)" (1996)
Constable Benton Fraser: [poking at the mysterious turkey] I get sent to this neighbourhood by an inauthentic phone call. Coincidentally, you receive a call directing you to a nearby apartment which coincidentally belongs to an Assistant State's Attorney; who attended a parole hearing, during which, coincidentally, you called the prisoner a turkey.
Ray Vecchio: Carver.
Madeline Carnes: So we can arrest him.
Ray Vecchio: For what, assault with poultry?

[first lines]
Ray Vecchio: Won't take long. The guy'll tell the parole board he wants out. The arresting officer - that's me - will tell them he's an animal, and then they'll put him back in for another year.
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, if it's a foregone conclusion, why go through the exercise?
Ray Vecchio: Because this is a democracy.

[last lines]
Constable Benton Fraser: You knew Carver wanted to hear you panic?
Ray Vecchio: Yeah.
Constable Benton Fraser: So you knew the car was bugged?
Ray Vecchio: Absolutely.
Constable Benton Fraser: Very clever, Ray. I just have one question. I'm supposed to meet the Trade Minister, who's arriving by train from Waukegan tonight. Now if the train is traveling at a hundred kilometers per hour...
Ray Vecchio: Sixty-two miles an hour.
Constable Benton Fraser: ...point-one-four, and if I'm traveling at a hundred kilometers per hour, where would the most logical place for us to intersect be...?
Ray Vecchio: Who cares?
Constable Benton Fraser: Fine answer.


"Due South: We Are the Eggmen (#2.11)" (1996)
Inspector Meg Thatcher: After all that we're gonna let him go?
Fraser: I don't see what else we can do.
Inspector Meg Thatcher: Interfere! You always interfere!

Fraser: [Diefenbaker is nosing into a discarded candy wrapper during a tracking exercise]
Fraser: Oh, Dief... do I need to remind you that you are a CARNIVORE, that you are genetically predisposed to HUNT? Or have you forgotten that?

Ray Vecchio: [on his way to cash in the lottery ticket under Francesca's nose] This is payback time, Fraser. This is for the time she ratted me out for smoking a cigar in the basement with Dave LaConti, for the time she told Paula Scipiano that I was a junior, and for the time she didn't come to the Academy for my graduation because she just had to go see Donny Osmond at the Beacon. Okay? This isn't my victory, Fraser, this is cosmic justice.
Fraser: Ah, I see.
Ray Vecchio: No, you don't. I don't even know why I try.


"Due South: Mojo Rising (#4.4)" (1998)
Francesca Vecchio: Fraser, I can feel it, right here. Can you feel it?
[placing Fraser's hands on her chest]
Constable Benton Fraser: Ah, I feel something.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: You all right?
[after Fraser has leap threw a wall of fire]
Constable Benton Fraser: Yeah.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: You sure you're okay?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yeah, fine.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: The reason I ask is 'cause you're on fire
Constable Benton Fraser: Oh,
[taking off his coat and dropping it to the ground]

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Fraser, what was that, ah, feeding Diefenbaker stuff?
Constable Benton Fraser: I detected his scent the moment we entered the apartment.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Well, that means Laferette was in there two.
Constable Benton Fraser: Almost certainly.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Well then let's go back there and bust them for harboring a fugitive.
Constable Benton Fraser: We have no proof.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: We got proof, Fraser, you smelt the dog! Smelled the dog. Fraser, I think I've been working with you too long.


"Due South: Mountie and Soul (#3.7)" (1997)
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: You admit that I'm right or I'll pop you in the head.
Constable Benton Fraser: We're now dealing with logic now, are we?

Francesca Vecchio: [Dief is ignoring Fraser] What's with him?
Constable Benton Fraser: He won't speak to me. The alarm clock went off at 5AM and he wouldn't budge so I reprimanded him for being slothful.
Francesca Vecchio: 5AM? Isn't that like dark?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Fraser is attempting to speak in street slang] Well, Ray, the bomb, let's keep it real, 4-1-1 and 'sup.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: What? Fraser, what are you doing?
Constable Benton Fraser: Just getting down with my bad self, house boys.


"Due South: Dead Guy Running (#3.11)" (1998)
Francesca Vecchio: [Francesca and Fraser hiding in the morgue while Fraser Sr. talks away] Being around death is just... it's so forbidden. It's kind of exciting.
Constable Benton Fraser: Some people, some dead people, they are exciting.
[looks at his dead father]
Constable Benton Fraser: . Some dead people are not exciting.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Fraser explains how he got Dinardo to come to the station] I hate to admit it, but I lied to him.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Oh, nothing happened, did it? You weren't struck by lightning, sky didn't fall in?
Constable Benton Fraser: Well, not yet, but it might have. It might well be the start of a slippery slope.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Oh yes, I believe you're going to Hell in a handcart.
Constable Benton Fraser: It's not something to laugh about. I might well be.

Dr. Mort Gustafson: [Mort finds that Fraser has hidden a dead body in the morgue] Is he one of mine?
Constable Benton Fraser: No, he's material evidence in a criminal investigation. I just took the liberty of storing him here earlier."
Dr. Mort Gustafson: Was he dead at that time?
Constable Benton Fraser: Very dead.
Dr. Mort Gustafson: Oh, then.


"Due South: All the Queen's Horses (#2.14)" (1996)
Inspector Meg Thatcher: [about their kiss] You realize, Fraser, that what happened between us can never repeat itself. Unless of course the exact same circumstances were to repeat themselves.
Fraser: By "exact same circumstances", sir, do you mean we would have to be aboard a train loaded with unconscious Mounties that had been taken over by terrorists and were heading for a nuclear catastrophe?
Inspector Meg Thatcher: Exactly.

Sgt. Buck Frobisher: [picking up his cane] Ah, Benton. Did they issue you one of these yet?
Fraser: Not yet, sir, no.
Sgt. Buck Frobisher: Ah, you're young. In a few years, that steel blade that you took in the leg - it'll start acting up, just like it did with me.
[passes wind as he bends over]
Fraser Sr.: Try spending a week on the stakeout with him in Dead Horse Gulch.
Fraser: Do you mind?
Sgt. Buck Frobisher: What's that?
Fraser: Uh, nothing, sir, nothing.


"Due South: A Cop, a Mountie, and a Baby (#1.9)" (1994)
Ray Vecchio: Okay, we've saved his life in thirty seconds. Now what?
Constable Benton Fraser: You take the big one, I'll take the bigger one.
Ray Vecchio: Fraser, there's three of them! Can't I just shoot 'em?
Constable Benton Fraser: Not unless you want to blow up thirty-two tons of jet fuel.

Constable Benton Fraser: What is it saying?
Ray Vecchio: What?
Constable Benton Fraser: Your hair, what's it saying?
Ray Vecchio: At the moment?
Constable Benton Fraser: Yes.
Ray Vecchio: Well, let's see.
[looks at his reflection in a napkin dispenser]
Ray Vecchio: It's straight and slicked back, so I guess it's got that mess-with-me-and-you're-dead style - good for the job. The contouring around the ears; that's unexpected. That says watch out, this guy might be dangerous. And then the feathering around the back - that's a nod to the female demographic. So what's it saying? I guess basically it's saying, deadly and dangerous, but not afraid to cry.
Constable Benton Fraser: Ah.
[picks up the napkin dispenser]
Constable Benton Fraser: What does my hair say?
Ray Vecchio: Oh, that's not hair, Fraser, that's a pelt.
Constable Benton Fraser: Oh.


"Due South: Call of the Wild: Part 1 (#4.12)" (1999)
[Fraser has almost blown Ray's cover]
Ray Vecchio: For a full year, I am deep undercover! Never waiting in line, always getting the best tables at the best restaurants. I live in a nine-thousand-square-foot adobe house at the edge of the desert, with a butler named Nero who brings me buttermilk night and day! And everywhere I go, I sit in the back of a black limo with my elbow on the gangster lean. And all this, all this, you wipe out with one word?
Constable Benton Fraser: [grinning] It's good to see you, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: [chortling] Yeah, it's good to see you, too, Benny.

Ray Vecchio: So you're me.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: And you're not you.
Ray Vecchio: That's a good one. Unlike the clothes.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Something wrong with 'em?
Ray Vecchio: Well, nothing... if you're a bag lady. You see, I had a rep. I was a slick dresser.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Oh, like a style pig, you mean.
Ray Vecchio: [laughing] You kill me, funny guy! I can see it's gonna take a lot of work to get my reputation back in place.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: What place is that?
Ray Vecchio: Well, you see, these three goons are gonna get one call each. They're gonna call Vegas. And when they do, Armando Langoustini's gonna go up like flash paper. Time to get my old life back.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: That's my life.
Ray Vecchio: I'm afraid it is.
[to Fraser]
Ray Vecchio: What are you grinning about?
Constable Benton Fraser: I knew you two would hit it off.


"Due South: Eclipse (#3.2)" (1997)
Constable Benton Fraser: I can tell you that after 72 hours, the smell of a caribou carcass is almost... hallucinogenic.

Constable Benton Fraser: You know Ray, my father once told me that the sky isn't just above you. That if you look at the horizon you will see that it actually touches the ground. So if you think about it, where ever you go you are actually walking in the sky.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: You're a freak.
Constable Benton Fraser: Understood.


"Due South: Seeing Is Believing (#3.5)" (1997)
Constable Benton Fraser: Could you elucidate, sir?
Lt. Harding Welsh: No, no. Not since the late sixties.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: That's Canadian for explain.

Inspector Margaret Thatcher: [Yelling] Fraser!
Constable Benton Fraser: [to Stan] Duty calls.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Bellows, more like.


"Due South: I Coulda Been a Defendant (#3.3)" (1997)
Constable Benton Fraser: [Discussing interrogating Bruce Spender] I'd like to talk to him.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Torture. That's a good idea. I never thought of that.
Constable Benton Fraser: [Annoyed] That's... that's very funny, Ray.

Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: [about Fraser's new place to live] Nice place
Constable Benton Fraser: It was Constable Turnbull's, but he decided he didn't need anything quite so fancy.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: So where's he living now, a cardboard box?
Constable Benton Fraser: Mmm-hmm. Rather nice one, though.


"Due South: Easy Money (#4.2)" (1998)
Constable Benton Fraser: The caribou, the elk the beaver? They too can talk?
Tom Quinn: I've been getting into this native roots thing and it seems to work. Besides, I thought the Tonto act might impress that little jackass.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Benton Fraser is lying prone on the street sniffing something. Diefenbaker looks at him and yawns, widely and loudly, enough to draw his attention] Oh, don't be silly. I'm not embarrassed or bored when you sniff things.


"Due South: Dr. Longball (#4.1)" (1998)
Constable Benton Fraser: [after Dief grumbles his opinion of how Fraser threw a baseball] Oh great, blind and deaf.

Constable Benton Fraser: [Fraser is giving Stan baseball lessons] And above all, you must try not to think.
Det. Stanley Raymond Kowalski: Yeah, not thinking. That's what got me into this, Fraser


"Due South: Good for the Soul (#4.8)" (1998)
Constable Benton Fraser: Ladies and gentlemen, I... I really don't mean to be condesending, but justice cannot exist in a democracy without the support and cooperation of an informed citizenry. If you let this man walk away from his crimes, you not only let down this entire city, but you encourage him to continue in his criminal endeavours


"Due South: Mountie on the Bounty: Part 2 (#3.13)" (1998)
Constable Benton Fraser: [Ray and Fraser are waiting for the ship they are on to be in Canadian waters so Ray can throw a gun to Fraser to legally use. As they enter the water, Ray tosses the gun and Fraser catches it and prepares to shoot] Right now my friend, you're in the dominion of Canada.


"Due South: Starman (#2.10)" (1996)
Bob: Let me guess... CIA, right?
Fraser: No, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Constable Benton Fraser.
Bob: Bob. Where's your horse?
Fraser: Well, I, I don't have one. I have a wolf if, if that helps you any.
Bob: You ride him?
Fraser: No. He's deaf.