Alan Brady
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Quotes for
Alan Brady (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

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"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Baby Fat (#4.29)" (1965)
[repeated line]
Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.

Alan Brady: Oh, R-Rob, it's hard to tell a... a writer that his stuff isn't funny.
Rob Petrie: You tell me that every week.
Alan Brady: D'oh, but you're a... you're a television writer.

Alan Brady: You know, Rob, you've got my guts in your hands.

Alan Brady: This could make me the toast of Broadway. Don't let me get burnt.

Alan Brady: I'm not gonna take off my hair for THIS play.

Alan Brady: It's kind of frightening to look at a joke and have it look back at you.

Rob Petrie: Mr. Yates has written a play which is not very good.
Alan Brady: Rob, not in front of Mr. Ben.
Rob Petrie: [whispering] The play's weak. What am I whispering in front of a dog for?
Alan Brady: Because he's smart and he bites.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Three Letters from One Wife (#4.9)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: Oh-oh-oh, this toupee seems to have less hair in it than the old one.
Alan Brady: I ordered it that way. I wanna grow bald gracefully, not like you.

[repeated line]
Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.

Alan Brady: Mel, I'm thirsty.
Mel Cooley: Oh, you want a drink, Alan?
Alan Brady: No, a glass of dust.

[Alan phones to decline Rob's request to host his documentary on comedy - something out of the norm for Alan - a rejection Rob is relieved to hear since failure of the documentary could cost him his job]
Alan Brady: I just think I'll stick to what I know is right for me.
Rob Petrie: [glad] Oh, sure, Alan. D'ya... you just weren't right for it.
Alan Brady: If you didn't think I was right for it in the first place, why did you show me the script?
Rob Petrie: But, well, now, no, in-in the first place, I-I thought you WERE right for it.
Alan Brady: But you've changed your mind.
Rob Petrie: No. No. I-I-I still think you're right for it.
Alan Brady: But you don't want me to do it.
Rob Petrie: Uh, well, look, Alan, let's put it this way. I'd... I'd... duh... I want you to do it, but it's... I don't want to force you.
Alan Brady: Rob, NOBODY forces Alan Brady to do ANYTHING.
Rob Petrie: That's right, Alan. I wouldn't force you. We'll get somebody else. That's all.
Alan Brady: Ah, Rob, you son of a gun, you did it. You really know how to use the psychology, don't you?
Rob Petrie: [now worried] ... Uh-huh...
Alan Brady: You win. I accept your challenge.
Rob Petrie: [tongue-tied] Wd-ah-wd-wd-ah-wh-ah...
Alan Brady: You don't say? Listen, Rob, are you trying to say there's something upsetting you here?
Rob Petrie: No, no! Oops, no, sir. I'm thrilled, Alan. I'm helple... ye... uh, uh, I'm, uh, I'm, uh... ha-ha-ha... speechless.
Alan Brady: After I do the show, Rob, you could be jobless, too. So long.

Rob Petrie: I wanna tell you that what-what may appear obvious on the, uh, surface may not be the same below the surface.
Alan Brady: Yeah, Lloyd Bridges proved that, didn't he?

Alan Brady: Respect - that's almost as good as laughs.

Mel Cooley: Now, shut up. Go to rehearsal, Alan. Ha-ha-ha.
Alan Brady: "Shut up and go to rehearsal?" Don't do that. You're not that secure.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Coast to Coast Big Mouth (#5.1)" (1965)
Alan Brady: [Talking to his toupee stands] Fellas? There she is. There's the little lady who put you out of business.

Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.
Mel Cooley: Yes, sir.

Laura Petrie: Well, I remember telling Rob, and I told him to tell you - d... did he ever tell you? - because I told him to tell you how very nice and natural and warm you look that way.
Alan Brady: Sure, like a father figure, right?
Laura Petrie: Oh, no! No, Alan, just the opposite.
Alan Brady: A bald mother figure?

Alan Brady: [presenting all his various toupees] What we... what... what do you say... what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?
Laura Petrie: Well, there must be some... needy bald people.

Rob Petrie: Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura, I would rather you said to me.
Alan Brady: Okay, Rob. If that's the way you want it: Rob, you're a beautiful girl.

Laura Petrie: [relieved now that all turned out well] Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.
Alan Brady: [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out] You told her about my nose?
Laura Petrie: Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!
Rob Petrie: She loves it.
Alan Brady: Did you tell her about my capped teeth?
Laura Petrie: Mm-mm.
Rob Petrie: You've got capped teeth?
Alan Brady: NO!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Talk to the Snail (#5.24)" (1966)
Alan Brady: Snail, snake, what's the difference?
Buddy Sorrell: To a love-hungry snake it makes a lot of difference.

Sally Rogers: Alan, uh, how'd you find out about Claude Wilber?
Alan Brady: Wilber's dummy told my dummy.
Rob Petrie: Jellybean called Mel? I'm sorry, Mel.

Alan Brady: Now, come on, get to work and write me some words that are worthy of my mouth or I'll fire you WITHOUT a memo.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bottom of Mel Cooley's Heart (#5.19)" (1966)
Alan Brady: I'm NOT impatient... and your time is up!

Rob Petrie: That's why you need Mel.
Alan Brady: Why, because he's a drudge?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Alan Brady: A sniveling coward?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Alan Brady: A brainless idiot?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Buddy Sorrell: So far, I coulda done this.

Alan Brady: Corned beef on white bread! Where were you brought up?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is the Best One (#3.15)" (1964)
[repeated line]
Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel!
Mel Cooley: Yes, sir.

Alan Brady: [having chewed out Rob in a rage] Now GET OUT OF HERE!
Rob Petrie: [submissively] How far out? Just...
Alan Brady: Well, from now, I'd go into your office until I tell you w-whether my "satirical sword" needs any sharpening! And next time you talk to a reporter, will you try to work my name in, even if you have to force it into the conversation! And tell your wife to eat at home next time, will ya?

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen (#2.32)" (1963)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Alan, why don't you call Spunky and offer to buy the material from him?
Alan Brady: Why don't you shut up and hand me the phone?

Alan Brady: Who's their sponsor?
Rob Petrie: Crummy Buttons.
Alan Brady: Blaagh!

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Obnoxious, Offensive Egomaniac Etc (#5.26)" (1966)
Alan Brady: All writers are rotten, but I like loyalty in a wife.

Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Last Chapter (#5.32)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Are you ready for a little bit of good news?
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I think so.
Rob Petrie: I heard from the publisher today.
Laura Petrie: Yeah?
Rob Petrie: He hates it, boy!
Rob Petrie: He said it reminded him of about fifty other books.
Laura Petrie: He's kidding.
Sally Rogers: No, no, that's what they said.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right. One editor said it stunk!
Laura Petrie: Well, why is everyone so happy?
Rob Petrie: Because Alan read it and he loved it.
Alan Brady: What do I know from style?
Rob Petrie: Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.
Laura Petrie: [in amazement] Your book's gonna be a television series?
Alan Brady: It's true. Of course, I won't do it till after my series is defunct, which may never be.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, Alan is going to play me.
Sally Rogers: Gee, and the three of us are going to write it and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.
[loud commotion]
Rob Petrie: Wait, hold it, hold it a second. Honey, what do you think?
Laura Petrie: Oh gosh, I don't know what to say - Alan is really going to play you?
Alan Brady: And Rob won't have to shave his head - I'll wear a toupee.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Day in the Life of Alan Brady (#5.25)" (1966)
Alan Brady: These people are supposed to be my friends, the little people who love me. Why don't you rush to the door and love me?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, Rob told us not to.
Sally Rogers: Attaboy, Benedict.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: One Hundred Terrible Hours (#4.30)" (1965)
Alan Brady: [as Rob and Laura weep together uncontrollably] Mel, what're YOU doing?
Mel Cooley: [weeping sympathetically] I can't stand to see a grown man cry.
Alan Brady: [panicked] You're not gonna catch me!
[Alan flees the room]

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Meershatz Pipe (#1.10)" (1961)
Alan Brady: Well, that's it for tonight, folks, and remember, when you walk down the street, keep a smile on your face and you'll be amazed at how many people come up to you and say...
Alan Brady: [turning snide] ..."What's so funny!"

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Alan Brady Show Presents (#3.13)" (1963)
Alan Brady: [surrounded by dancing girls in Christmas outfits] Go ahead, Rob. Tell 'em all about our show.
Rob Petrie: Well, what're YOU gonna do?
Alan Brady: Well, somebody's gotta feed these poor reindeer. Donna, Blitzen, Betty, come on.

"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Punch Thy Neighbor (#1.17)" (1962)
Alan Brady: [on TV] "The Alan Brady Show" is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production.
Millie Helper: Where did they get that name, Jeff-Greg-Barb-Lou-Ben-Ray-Polly?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids, Barb is his wife, Ben is his lawyer, Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager.
Jerry Helper: Who's Polly?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, that's his bird.