Robert 'Rob' Petrie
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Quotes for
Robert 'Rob' Petrie (Character)
from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" (1961)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Part-Time Wife (#3.22)" (1964)
Millie Helper: Rob has heartburn?
Laura Petrie: Mm-hm. And, you know, he didn't have it while Sally was there. It just started since then. No, he comes in the front door, slams it, says hi to me, doesn't kiss me, throws the paper on the table, and burps.
Millie Helper: Mr. Class?
Rob Petrie: [heard off] Aw, doggone it!
Laura Petrie: Ole.
[Rob enters, slams the front door, says hi, throws his hat in the closet, slams the closet door, throws his paper on the dining table and burps]

Laura Petrie: Well, I just thought it'd be a good idea to have a nice, neat, perfectly-typed list of foods, and - I don't know - I have a lot of time on my hands, like I do most every day, and I just wanted to do something constructive.
Rob Petrie: Oh, good. We could use a new garage.

Laura Petrie: Why won't you let me just try to help you?
Rob Petrie: Honey, I just don't think you and I would be happy as marriage partners and as business partners.
Laura Petrie: Isn't that silly, darling? Don't you realize that in the office you'd be the boss?

[Rob and Buddy continue to search for a typist]
Buddy Sorrell: So far we've had a giggler, a gum-popper and a girdle-snapper.
Rob Petrie: Do you know where we can find a typist that doesn't snap, giggle or pop?

Rob Petrie: This girl typed like the wind - she blew every word.

[In trying to find the perfect girl to help Buddy and Rob at the office, Sally telephones Laura]
Sally Rogers: Oh, now, wait a minute, Rob. She didn't know I was gonna do this.
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah? How come she answered the phone, then?
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe it rang.

Laura Petrie: Mr. Petrie, I want you to know something - I love you.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, well, we'll put an end to THAT!

Laura Petrie: I've been flaunting my success.
Rob Petrie: You have, you know.
Laura Petrie: I know, and I apologize, darling. I was just being female.
Rob Petrie: Well, don't quite THAT!

Rob Petrie: What is the main purpose in going to the Earth's center?
Laura Petrie: To find out whether it's chewy or chocolate creme.

Rob Petrie: You're not suppose to give reviews. You're supposed to type.
Laura Petrie: But Buddy thought it was funny. Didn't you, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Don't get me in the middle of husband-and-wife arguments.
Rob Petrie: What? This is not a husband-and-wife argument. This is boss and employee.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, then I'm sorry, I gotta go with the employee.
Rob Petrie: Well, I just don't agree with you, Buddy. I think it's not funny!
Laura Petrie: Rob, I think you're being kind of childish.
Rob Petrie: I am not being childish.
Buddy Sorrell: Yes, you are. You're being childish.
Rob Petrie: Uh, Buddy, this is between my wife and me, please.
Laura Petrie: Rob, what is the matter with you?
Rob Petrie: Nothing is the matter with me!
Buddy Sorrell: Nothing? You're acting like you got a wasp in your underwear. Gee, all she did was offer some constructive criticism.
Rob Petrie: Which was unsolicited.
Laura Petrie: Ah, it was NOT unsolicited!
Rob Petrie: Did... did you hear me ask her her opinion?
[Buddy gestures that he's staying out of it]
Rob Petrie: Look, it's not boss-employee, it's not husband-and-wife. Just as a bystander there, did you hear me ask her for her opinion?
Buddy Sorrell: All right, you didn't ask her.
Rob Petrie: There, you see?
Laura Petrie: All right. You don't have to yell.
Rob Petrie: I'm not yelling!
Buddy Sorrell: Yes, you are. You're yelling.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, this is a family affair that doesn't concern you.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Rob and Laura] Look, will you excuse me while I go out and get a glass of beer. I hate crowds and the four of you are driving me nuts!

Laura Petrie: The only reason I came here was to help you, and if I have annoyed you, I sincerely apologize, and to keep from causing you any further annoyance, I want you to know that I'm fired!
Rob Petrie: [after she storms out] You can't fire! I quit ya!

Rob Petrie: I feel like a schoolboy in class on Parents' Day with my mother peekin' over my shoulder.

Rob Petrie: Today you have been the most perfect person in the world. As a mater of fact, if you do one more perfect thing today, I'm gonna put my fist right through that wall.
Laura Petrie: Rob!
Rob Petrie: D'ya... d'yah, I won't. If I do, you'll probably re-plaster it perfect, and I'll feel even worse.
Laura Petrie: Rob, what kind of an attitude is this?
Rob Petrie: I don't know. I don't... know. It is a brand new one, and I'm no crazier about it than you are.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: All About Eavesdropping (#3.5)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Gee, what a beautiful ashtray!
Buddy Sorrell: Gorgeous, gorgeous!
Sally Rogers: Yes.
Laura Petrie: We gave them that ashtray. We gave them this lamp, too.
Rob Petrie: No special reason, just in friendship.
Laura Petrie: That's right.
Sally Rogers: [long, uncomfortable pause] BOY, this is a beautiful ashtray!

Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, let's play "Who Am I", huh? Who am I?
Rob Petrie: We gave you that vase, too.
Jerry Helper: I know, I know, thanks. Who am I?
Rob Petrie: You're not Eleanor Roosevelt, I'll tell you that for sure.
Jerry Helper: Come on. Who am I? Let's play. What do you say, Rob?
Millie Helper: [long, uncomfortable pause] Let's play charades!
Jerry Helper: Charades! Everybody loves charades! Hey, I got it. Laura, Rob and I, we'll be on one team, and Millie, Sally and Buddy, you're on the other.
Millie Helper: Charades all right, Rob? Laura?
Laura Petrie: It's your house.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You didn't give them the house?

Rob Petrie: Hey, Honey, will you bring me a handkerchief?
Laura Petrie: [calling from bedroom] We're only going next door.
Rob Petrie: I can... I can run back here and blow my nose, I guess.

Rob Petrie: I'm no Albert Schweitzer, huh? Well, he's no Eleanor Roosevelt.

Laura Petrie: I mean, after all, where would the world be today, Rob, of it weren't for experiments. We wouldn't be on the moon today!
Rob Petrie: We're not on the moon.
Laura Petrie: That's beside the point.

[What should Jerry and Millie apologize for?]
Rob Petrie: Well, because, uh... they... didn't know what we heard, but they are guilty because they know they said it, even though they didn't know that we know, you know?
Laura Petrie: What?
Rob Petrie: You unscramble it. There's a good sentence in there somewhere.

Laura Petrie: What're you gonna do with the wine?
Rob Petrie: Well, if, uh, we're gonna go next door and, uh, swallow our pride and eat some crow, we'd better have some good wine to wash it down with.

Rob Petrie: If you can't say nasty things about your best friends at home, where can you?

Jerry Helper: Do, uh... do you say nasty things about us?
Rob Petrie: Well, let me, uh, put it this way, Jerry - we say less nasty things about you than we do about any of our other neighbors.

Rob Petrie: [playing some Bach on the piano] I'm no Albert Schweitzer, huh?

Rob Petrie: Accusing you of leaving something out of a recipe! You know what that is? It's malicious accusory!

[in a game of Charades, Laura pantomimes violent antics for teammates Jerry and Rob to guess a song title]
Jerry Helper: The whole thing? Okay. Uh, march!
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Walk. Stomp! Stomp all over people! Walk all over people! Goose step! Treachery. Treachery. Two-faced. Two-faced. Stab! Stab in the back, stab in the back!
[Laura points to Millie and Jerry]
Jerry Helper: Uh... Uh, point! Point! Finger! Finger!
Rob Petrie: Accuse, indict, uh, malicious accusory.
[Laura grabs Millie and Jarry's faces]
Rob Petrie: Two-faced, that's right. Pearl Harbor! I GOT IT!
Jerry Helper: What is it?
Rob Petrie: "On the Street Where You Live."
Laura Petrie: Right!
Jerry Helper: [snatching up the paper with the answer] Hey, that IS right!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Meershatz Pipe (#1.10)" (1961)
Laura Petrie: What are you doing out of bed?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh! I'm all well! I'm all right. I just had a touch of seven hour virus. It's all gone. I'll just have a last gargle and be right on my way.
[Rob takes the cup from Laura's hand, drinks the liquid and gargles]
Laura Petrie: Rob? Rob! You're gargling with chicken rice soup!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Rice?
Laura Petrie: Yes.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [getting back into bed, resigned] Good. I thought my teeth were falling out.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Look at this! These jokes are gold!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Not gold, lead. I read 'em.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You read 'em, but you don't listen to what you're reading. You've gotta listen, you gotta hear like... like Alan would say it. Uh, look at this one: "Calling car 32! Calling car 32! Wipe off your windshield, somebody is stealing your radiator cap!"

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Hey, d'y'ever see the collection Alan has? Oh, he must have over five hundred pipes in his den.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: In his den? In his house?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: No, the den in his car. What kind of a question is that?

Laura Petrie: Honey, I think you better forget about the office today.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Why?
Laura Petrie: Well, your eyes still have that funny look.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It's because they've been closed all night.

Laura Petrie: Rob, you're not well.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.
Laura Petrie: Really? Then how come you can't out-wrestle a 112-pound woman?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Because I'm not really trying, that's why.
Laura Petrie: [pinning him down] Try.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All right, you want to play around? Okay.
[tries to get up, but Laurie keeps him pinned down]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Okay, Gorgeous George, knock it off. All right, so you're stronger than me; what does that prove?
Laura Petrie: It proves you're sick.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, fine thing! You take the word of a strange doctor over that of your own husband.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [talking on a phone] I sou' differe't because by wife t'inks I've god a co'd.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob! How do you feel?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm fide!
Sally Rogers: Fine? You look like an ad for "Send this boy to camp."
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don' wanna go to ca'p!

Laura Petrie: Rob, nobody can take your place. You're the head writer on The Alan Brady Show because you've got talent, you've got taste, you've got sensitivity.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pouty] I haven't got a PIPE.

Mel Cooley: [stopping a sick Rob from entering the office] Just a moment! Where do you think you're going?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: To my office, naturally.
Mel Cooley: As producer of this show, I forbid you to enter this office. You're contagious.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Contagious?
Mel Cooley: "The Alan Brady Show" goes on the air tomorrow night. I am not going to risk Alan's health by allowing you to come in contact with him.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I came here to write for him, not to kiss him.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Buddy is talking about Alan having a den in his house] I haven't been to Alan's house since I signed my contract last year.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, maybe if and when you sign your new contract next year, you might get to see it.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It May Look Like a Walnut (#2.20)" (1963)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Danny Thomas put nuts in my hat!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, what a nightmare! What a night... I dreamed that I was a Twylo-ite. And I lost my sense of humor and my thumbs!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [looking at his thumbs] Oh!
[kisses them fervently]
Laura Petrie: I dreamt that Danny Thomas was chasing me and throwing walnuts at me, and every place he'd hit me I'd lose a thumb and grow an eye!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laura...
Laura Petrie: My name is not Laura. It's Lolak. Lolak of Twilo.
Laura Petrie: [parting the hair on the back of her head toward Rob] I SEE yooooou.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I must... I-I must be dreaming. Either that or I'm in the Twilo Zone!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, you just set the alarm for an hour from now.
Laura Petrie: That's right. If Kolak and his activated walnuts are gonna come after me in my dreams, I'll be saved by the bell.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Something is wrong here. Something's wrong. Now, there's three possibilities. Either Laura and the gang are playing a very elaborate practical joke on me, or I'm having a horrible nightmare, or it's really happening to me.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What're you doing?
Laura Petrie: Getting a drink of fresh air.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All right, Buddy, who put you up to eatin' walnuts?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, if you must know, I switched from pistachios.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laura was getting even with me this morning because I scared her last night.
Buddy Sorrell: You scared her? What'd you do? Show up?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Chuckling] Nah, I was pretending that I was this guy, Kolak, who breathes water.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah. The four-eyed monster they threw out of the U.N. He came from the planet Twilo.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Did you see that picture?
Sally Rogers: No. Did they make a picture outta that?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Last night, on television.
Sally Rogers: Noooo. I was at the U.N. the day it happened. Listen, if this guy didn't have those four eyes, I'd have married him.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: You want to watch TV?
Laura Petrie: I suppose so.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Good, I'll see if I can get Insomnia Theater.
[flips through channels]
Exercise Instructor: One and two and one...
Laura Petrie: Who does exercises at this hour?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [points to the TV] This guy.

Laura Petrie: [surfaces from under the covers] Rob, can't you turn that movie off? It's scaring me.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, not during the climax!
Laura Petrie: Well can't you watch it out in the living room?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Go back under.
[Laura groans and pulls the covers up again]


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Great Petrie Fortune (#5.7)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: An hour ago I was a writer. Now I'm a termite.

Hezekiah Petrie: Robbie, last time I saw you, you must have been, oh, thirteen years old.
Rob Petrie: [talking back to the screen] I was twelve.
Hezekiah Petrie: No, twelve years old.
Rob Petrie: What's the difference?
Hezekiah Petrie: Oh, what difference does it make?

Hezekiah Petrie: [his riddle] In what you inherit are riches beyond compare, so get in there, and-and ferret here, there, and everywhere.

Rob Petrie: There's a lotta little cubby holes. There's no cubbies in it.

Rob Petrie: Honey, those aren't just marbles.
Laura Petrie: What do you mean?
Rob Petrie: Well, they're all puries.

Rob Petrie: We got three wishes! Aladdin's Lamp!
Laura Petrie: I wish you'd stop acting so silly.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I wish you'd open it!
Laura Petrie: Come on!
Rob Petrie: I wish you'd all be quiet! That's three wishes. We just blew it.

Rob Petrie: Buddy, a numismatist is a coin expert.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh. Well, these are old coins. Get an oldmismatist.

[Everybody looks through old coins for a buffalo on a plain rather than on a mound, with no luck]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, I got one.
Rob Petrie: There's a buffalo on a... on a plain?
Buddy Sorrell: No, the plane left. He's on a bus.

[after first checking that he's alone, Rob attempts to see if Uncle Hezekiah's old oil lamp is in fact Aladdin's lamp. He rubs it then carefully open the top lid]
Laura Petrie: [having come up behind him unheard] Yes?
Rob Petrie: [nearly jumping out of his skin] OH!

Laura Petrie: You're-you're not thinking of selling it, are you?
Rob Petrie: Huh? I'm not? Well, I mean... Well, of course not. Why not?

Rob Petrie: Why'd you have to think of that, anyway?
Laura Petrie: I only thought of it a couple seconds before you would have.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, but it makes you nicer than me, anyhow.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Gunslinger (#5.31)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: I once rode with Brady.
Sally Rogers: When?
Rob Petrie: When I was a gunslinger.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger?
Rob Petrie: Yep.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger turned sheriff?
Rob Petrie: No, my last job was parson.
Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger turned parson?
Rob Petrie: No, when I quit being a gunslinger, I became a singer.
Sally Rogers: A slinger turned singer.
Rob Petrie: I hated all that violence, so I became a singer in a saloon.
Buddy Sorrell: A singin' parson!
Rob Petrie: No, parson came later. Folks didn't like my singin', so I became a dancer. Then a rancher.
Sally Rogers: A slinger-singer turned rancher-dancer.

Sally Rogers: When you became sheriff, you swore you'd get Brady, right?
Rob Petrie: No, I swore to get Brady when I was a dancer - but, then, what can a dancer do to anybody?

Sally Rogers: So, why'd you swear to get 'im?
Rob Petrie: 'Cause I wanted to rid the west of everything that's mean and corrupt and ugly.
Buddy Sorrell: Then you better save one of them bullets for my wife.

Mel Cooley: And I got a message for you from Bad.
Rob Petrie: That ain't good.

Buddy Sorrell: Sheriff, you keep forgettin' you ain't got no guns.
Mel Cooley: A sheriff without guns?
Rob Petrie: When I quit bein' a gunslinger, I hung up my guns. I ain't wore 'em since.
Sally Rogers: You gave up gun fighting?
Rob Petrie: No, I forgot where I hung 'em.

Sally Rogers: Are ya skeered, Sheriff?
Rob Petrie: Miss Sally, I don't know the meanin' of the word "scared." "Terrified," "panic-stricken" - I know all of THOSE words.

Rob Petrie: I ain't leavin'. I ain't runnin' no more. We ain't leavin' town. I'm gonna face him.
Laura Petrie: Rob, I DO wish you'd stop saying that.
Rob Petrie: Well, I AIN'T leavin'.
Laura Petrie: "Ain't" is what I wish you'd stop saying. Rob, the boy's beginning to pick it up. It sounds bad.
Rob Petrie: Well, I AREN'T leavin' town.

Ritchie Petrie: Daddy! You're wearin' a dress!
Rob Petrie: It ain't what a man wears, boy. It's what's in his heart.
Ritchie Petrie: Is there a sissy in your heart, Daddy?

[When it comes to buying guns, Sheriff Rob's a fussy customer]
Gun Drummer: Try this baby out.
Rob Petrie: Oh, that's pretty.
Gun Drummer: It's a beauty.
Rob Petrie: Looks a little expensive, though.
Gun Drummer: I can give you a deal on that, though. It's secondhand.
Rob Petrie: Oh, really?
Gun Drummer: Used only once to kill a little old lady in Pasadena.

Rob Petrie: That ain't no lady. That's my wife.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ghost of A. Chantz (#4.2)" (1964)
Mr. Little: There are no reservations. No rooms.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Well, that's impossible.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's what we've been telling him. Look, Mr. Cooley called and made reservations. Right, Mel?
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: That's right. I...
[realizes that he forgot and holds his forehead]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: The Hairless Phantom strikes again.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Did you, uh... Gonna go to bed with your shoes on?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You know I can't run in my bare feet.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Buddy, we've been here all evening and not one strange thing has happened.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, no? How about that fireplace?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I told you it's probably a live ember buried in the coals.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, or a dead body buried under the floor.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All I know is that there's someone that wants us to leave here.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, yeah, me, me!
Sally Rogers: Look, Rob, I'm with Buddy. This is getting to be like a bad horror movie. All we're missing is Vincent Price and the thunder and the lightning.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I'm scared!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, I agree that we should leave here, but let's not lose our heads now.
[Buddy and Sally open the door to leave, thunder and lightning start, they come back in and put down their bags]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: All that's missing now is Vincent Price.
[There is a knock on the bedroom door and it opens by itself]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: The door's open, the door's open.
Sally Rogers: [nervously] Vincent?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [all piled into the hide-a-bed] Anybody asleep?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You nuts?
Sally Rogers: Who could sleep?
Laura Petrie: I am fast awake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: My heart's beating so hard it's gonna knock the covers off.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, it's been over two hours now and nothing strange or unusual has happened.
Sally Rogers: No? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [all piled in the hide-a-bed] Look, I'll admit, a lot of strange things are goin' on here but I think that whoever or whatever it is doesn't want to hurt us.
[as the hide-a-bed starts to fold up on them, they all jump out of it]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Boy, look at that! A man-eating bed!

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Ghosts, ghosts! That's what it was! This place is haunted like they said.
Sally Rogers: Who said? A ghost haunted? Who said?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob!
Laura Petrie: Rob?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: He did!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It isn't!
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: It is!
Laura Petrie: Well, is it?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I never said...
Sally Rogers: Well, who?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who who who? It's what he says!
Laura Petrie: Did you?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't. No, the guy I saw...
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, yeah, there was a guy told Rob that the... that the place is haunted! And he says there's a guy got murdered here and he's coming back and he's gonna get all of us!
Sally Rogers: Who?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who? That's the ghost with the mustache!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [arriving at the cabin] Buddy, you didn't bring any of the stuff in!
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Will you go get it, please?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: W-would you go with me?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: For crying out loud, I'll get it myself!
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Can... can I go with you?

[the lamp near the sofa comes on by itself]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Buddy, will you turn the light off, please.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I didn't turn it on.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I suppose it went on all by itself then, huh?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: If-if you didn't turn it on, it went on by itself, or...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, there's probably a logical explanation for that.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, like a live ember in a dead bulb?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: There's one thing I wanna get straight before we go any further.
[sits on the folded up couch]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: This couch was open!
[jumps up and over a chair]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [finding himself alone] Laura? Buddy? Sally?
[looks around]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Who took them? Honey? Sally? Buddy? Mama?
[face appears in the closet mirror]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Uh oh.
[turns around and sees the face]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: NYAH!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Forty-Four Tickets (#1.11)" (1961)
[Rob, Laura, Jerry and Millie are playing bridge when Rob discovers he's forgotten to order 44 tickets]
Rob Petrie: I'll bid, uh, four no tickets.
Jerry Helper: "Four no tickets"?
Rob Petrie: Did I say that?
[laughs]
Rob Petrie: I meant 44 no trump, or, uh... 44 no tickets.
[laughs again]
Rob Petrie: Oh, bad... Let me say that again. Uh, by'uh, four no trump.
Jerry Helper: Neighbor, do you really think you're gonna make four no trump?
Rob Petrie: I bet a lot easier than I'm going to make 44 no tickets. Let's play tickets!
Jerry Helper: [kicked under the table by Laura] Ow!
Jerry Helper: [to Rob] I got another message for you.
Rob Petrie: [kicked under the table by Jerry] Ow! Let's play cards!

[Rob has forgotten to get tickets for the PTA to visit his TV show's studio]
Millie Helper: You haven't forgotten about the PTA coming to your studio?
Rob Petrie: [stammering] Well...
Jerry Helper: [Laura kicks Jerry under the table] Ouch! I think she meant this for you.
Rob Petrie: [Jerry kicks Rob under the table] OW!

[Mel has given Rob six tickets but Rob can't help noticing Mel holds many more in his hand]
Rob Petrie: Are, uh... are all those others spoken for?
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Loudly and clearly. These are for the employees of the United Nations.
Rob Petrie: Well, Mel, couldn't you just let me have a few of 'em? Just, say, the ones you're holding for the less friendly nations?
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Come now, Rob. You wouldn't want me to create an international situation just because of your PTA?
Rob Petrie: Sure I would.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [laughs] I know you're just joshing.

Laura Petrie: How could you forget 44 tickets?
Rob Petrie: Easy.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Robert!
Rob Petrie: What do you mean, "Oh, Robert"? I could just as well say "Oh, Laura!"

Laura Petrie: You're not gonna try to blame ME for your forgetfulness?
Rob Petrie: Well, honey, you could've at least reminded me.
Laura Petrie: You JUST last night made a big speech about not reminding Rich. Do you or do you NOT like reminders?
Rob Petrie: Well, only when I forget.

Rob Petrie: Don't tell me you forgot our Wednesday night bridge game with Jerry and Millie?
Laura Petrie: Well, I...
Rob Petrie: Uh-HUH! Ya DID forget! So he's "forgetful like his daddy," huh?
Laura Petrie: Darling, our bridge date is for tomorrow.
Rob Petrie: Tomorrow? What's today?
Laura Petrie: Tuesday.

Mrs. Billings: Well, I'm no expert, but I do know what I like, and I DON'T like it when Mr. Brady, your star, comes out and tells those jokes.
Rob Petrie: B... uh, which jokes? He tells 'em on every show.
Mrs. Billings: Yes. I don't like that.
Rob Petrie: Uh, yes, you, uh, don't think those are funny?
Mrs. Billings: [chuckles] Do YOU?
Rob Petrie: Uh, well...
Mrs. Billings: Oh, I know, you can't really say what you think.
Rob Petrie: I-I-I COULD, but I don't dare.

Rob Petrie: [to his coworkers about his PTA dilemma] Any ideas, you guys?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah...
[snaps fingers]
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I got it! I got an idea!
Sally Rogers: Beginner's luck.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Don't make jokes. This is on the level, this'll solve the whole problem for you. You get the whole neighborhood together, put 'em on a chartered bus and drive 'em down to the studio.
Rob Petrie: How does that solve the problem?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Easy, you get a drunken bus driver and he crashes into a lamppost.
Sally Rogers: I got a better idea: get a sober driver, have him hijack the bus and fly it out of the country.
Rob Petrie: Thanks a lot, you guys, you've been a big help. I'm desperate and you're making jokes.
Sally Rogers: Oh, come on, Rob, it's only the PTA.
Rob Petrie: Only the PTA? You know what the PTA stands for? Three things that I respect - and fear: parents, teachers and associations!

Rob Petrie: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like for you to meet the charming producer of The Alan Brady Show, Mr. Mel Cooley.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [brusquely] NOT NOW, ROB - I'VE GOT A PROBLEM!

Sally Rogers: [to Rob] You mean to say you're gonna let 34 people get all dressed up, hire sitters, drive into town just to tell them they have to drive back home, take off their clothes and unhire the sitters?
Rob Petrie: Will you please not be so graphic? Let's just say I need 34 tickets.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Making of a Councilman (#5.17)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Hi, there. I'm running for city councilman. Vote for me or I'll give you cavities.

Sally Rogers: Rob, you'll be fine once you get there.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I think that's what they said to the captain of the Titanic, didn't they?

[Rob meets his political opponent for the first time, alone in a waiting area]
Rob Petrie: Is it proper for us to be, uh, together, you know, before?
Lincoln Goodheart: Well, I don't know why not. We're not bride and groom, you know.

Rob Petrie: Well, it can't rain today. The witch came out of the gingerbread house.

[a phrase candidate Robert Petrie repeats far too often]
Rob Petrie: I didn't know that.

Rob Petrie: Right, the west side parkway is short and the east side parkway is much longer, about three miles longer, and I think that the west side would be about two million dollars cheaper.
Lincoln Goodheart: I disagree.
Rob Petrie: No, that's it - west side, uh, west side short / east side long.
Lincoln Goodheart: That may be true but there are many factors favoring the east side route.
Rob Petrie: Like what?
Lincoln Goodheart: Well, for example, the, uh, the land along that route is, uh, very sparsely populated and, therefore, much more easily acquired. Now that would mean that, although the east side route would be somewhat longer, it would be, uh... it could be completed in anywhere from six months to a year sooner.
Rob Petrie: I didn't know that.
Lincoln Goodheart: And, in the long run, that would result a substantial savings.
Rob Petrie: I'll bet it would.

Booth: Now the sixth amendment to the constitution guarantees the right of a speedy trial.
Rob Petrie: It does? Well, I mean it does.

Rob Petrie: He knows more about The Alan Brady Show than I know. Did you know that our show is number one in Lyberia?
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't we ask for a raise?

Rob Petrie: He's got more, much more. I was just reading here in his biography. Listen to this: He graduated with honors from law school.
Laura Petrie: Lot of people graduate from law school.
Rob Petrie: At eighteen?

Laura Petrie: You know, you're beginning to sound like you don't want to win.
Rob Petrie: No, I want to win all right, but I want to win on my qualifications, not on my smile.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, we heard your qualifications - you better stick to the smile.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Talk to the Snail (#5.24)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Now, Herman Glimscher will forgive you if you're a few minutes late.
Sally Rogers: That's fine, except I'm going out with Douglas Bedlork.
Rob Petrie: Who's that, a new fella?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, brand new. I don't think he's ever been used before.
Buddy Sorrell: You know somethin', those second-hand guys that look like new can't be trusted.

Rob Petrie: Honey, don't start with new fingers. We're using mine.

Rob Petrie: Bake some brownies.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Rob Petrie: Honey, when they hear news like that, they're gonna want a good, stiff drink.
Laura Petrie: Rob, Buddy and Sally don't drink.
Rob Petrie: I know it, so you better have some brownies to offer 'em.

Rob Petrie: I didn't know you were bringing someone.
Sally Rogers: I didn't. I brought Doug.

Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. What kind of a leader are you?
Rob Petrie: The weak, silent type.

Jellybean: I... I like your style.
Rob Petrie: Oh, thank you. I admire your... antenna.
Jellybean: Oh, well, then grab one and shake.

Rob Petrie: How do you look casual with tear in your eyes?

Sally Rogers: Alan, uh, how'd you find out about Claude Wilber?
Alan Brady: Wilber's dummy told my dummy.
Rob Petrie: Jellybean called Mel? I'm sorry, Mel.

Rob Petrie: We're not in any trouble. According to a very well-known authority, a handshake with a snail is not legally binding.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah? Who said that?
Rob Petrie: Walt Disney.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Blonde-Haired Brunette (#1.2)" (1961)
[Laura, with Millie's help, had dyed her hair blonde and talks to Rob on the phone]
Laura Petrie: Well, honey, what if I were a blonde? Would I be as attractive to you if I were a blonde?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No, I can't picture you as a blonde. No, wait a minute! Yes, I can! You know who you'd look like?
Laura Petrie: Who?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Harpo Marx!
Laura Petrie: [to Millie] He said I'd look like Harpo Marx!
[Check herself out in a mirror]
Laura Petrie: [horrified] And I do!

[Laura tries to awaken Rob with a kiss but he brushes her aside]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [mostly still asleep] Don't do that!
Laura Petrie: [to herself] "Don't do that?" He used to love me to do that. Hm! My Prince Charming! - promised to slay dragons for me - won't even get up to have breakfast with me on his day off. Well, I guess it's natural for a husband to behave this way after so many years of marriage, but I still feel like eating breakfast with HIM.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [cheerfully] Hello, honey. How's my old lady?
Laura Petrie: [offended] What did you say?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How's my old lady?
Laura Petrie: Well, I don't know. I haven't spoken to your mother lately, but I'M fine.

Sally Rogers: Don't you know our chief well enough by now? When he's sick, he works harder; when he broods, it's one of two things: one, he had a fight with Laura, or two, Laura had a fight with him.
Buddy Sorrell: True or false?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: True.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, what was the beef about?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don't know. We didn't fight long enough for me to find out.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, one of those.
[mocking voice]
Buddy Sorrell: "And if you don't know..."
Buddy Sorrell, Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [in unison] "... I'm certainly not going to tell you!"

Buddy Sorrell: Have you insulted your mother-in-law lately?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No, I love my mother-in-law. I'd never insult her.
Buddy Sorrell: That's just it. You're neglecting the old bat. You gotta insult 'em or they think you don't care.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [seeing Ritchie in the closet] What are you doing in there?
Ritchie Petrie: Playing hat shack.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, well, how's business?
Ritchie Petrie: Terrible!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [looking at a glass of orange juice] Honey, there's pits and seeds and orange flesh in this orange juice. You know how meticulous I am about my orange juice.
Laura Petrie: [seeing Rob wearing a tattered sweater] Not too meticulous about the way you dress, are you? My, don't you look dashing.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, thank you, my dear.

[Rob's co-writers are trying to figure why Rob is depressed]
Buddy Sorrell: How about presents?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Presents?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, like for special occasions.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, like what?
Buddy Sorrell: Birthday, anniversary...
Sally Rogers: Uh, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day...
Buddy Sorrell: Bastille Day, Rosh Hashanah...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, except for Bastille Day and Rosh Hashanah, I think I'm all squared away.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pointing at Laura's half-blonde hair] You're bleaching your hair blonde!
Millie Helper: We're not bleaching her hair blonde!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I suppose it's turning by itself?
Laura Petrie: [on the verge of tears] We're dying it back to its natural colors.
Millie Helper: Laura's been a blonde all afternoon.
Laura Petrie: ALL afternoon!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, why?
Laura Petrie: [close to sobbing] Why? Well, yesterday morning, and I kissed you... and you said, "Don't do that!"... And you came down to breakfast in your yucky shirt... And the orange juice and the flesh and the pits and seeds... And the gray hair... And the Harpo Marx... And the general yuckiness...
[breaks down sobbing as she buries herself in Rob's arms, who hugs back]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Aw, I'm sorry. I understand, honey. I understand.
Millie Helper: You do?
[Rob nods]
Millie Helper: Um... I think I'll come back after dinner and finish the job. Bye!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: That's My Boy?? (#3.1)" (1963)
Nurse: [presenting folder] Mrs. Petrie, I have your valuables right here. Would you check them, please?
Laura Petrie: Oh, no, these aren't mine. I had just a watch.
Nurse: [checking the folder] Oh, stupid. Room 203. Busy, busy, busy. Here's room 208.
Laura Petrie: That's it. Yes, thank you.
Nurse: Well, goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, and I wish you a lot of luck with her.
Rob Petrie: Her?
Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry - him! Baby boy Peters.
Rob Petrie: No, no, uh - Petrie.
Nurse: Whatever.
Nurse: [to other nurse] Edna, please go make up Mrs. Petrie's room.
Rob Petrie: We're the... we're the, um, Petries.
Nurse: Well, whatever. They're leaving today, too. Boy, will I be glad when this day is over!

Rob Petrie: This is getting to me. I think I'm a premature father.

[Buddy rides a small bicycle into the Petrie house]
Rob Petrie: Is that for us?
Buddy Sorrell: No, my car broke down so I rode Sally up on the handlebars. Yeah, I-I bought it for the kid.
Rob Petrie: Well, he's just a little baby!
Buddy Sorrell: Well, it's a little bicycle. They can grow up together.

Rob Petrie: Jerry, that nurse gave Laura the wrong jewelry, she called him a her, she didn't even know our name, and everybody, including me, thinks it looks like a different baby.
Jerry Helper: Rob...
Rob Petrie: Look, even Laura thinks the baby looks different. His own mother!... I think.

Rob Petrie: The only Dick and Betty Carter I know are Phil and Edna Greenbaum.

Rob Petrie: She's right. We gotta change that baby.

Rob Petrie: Laura, did you know that one out of every fifty million women have the wrong baby?
Laura Petrie: Well, that's a cute trick. How does she manage it?
Rob Petrie: Honey, she doesn't have it while she's having it. It's after she has it she has it!

Rob Petrie: Who, uh... who do you think the baby looks like?
Jerry Helper: You know, I don't know. How can you tell at this age? I mean, their looks change every day. Now, that first day, he looked like you.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Then a little later he looked something like Laura.
Jerry Helper: Mm-hm.
Rob Petrie: Then, the day comin' home in the cab, he looked a lot like Ralph Martoni.
Jerry Helper: Who's Ralph Martoni?
Rob Petrie: The cab driver. Didn't you see his picture on the license plate? Little pudgy bald guy.
Jerry Helper: Rob, listen, all newborn babies look like Ralph Martoni. I mean, the hospital could give you any kid and you wouldn't know the difference.

Rob Petrie: Honey, h-h-ow much do you like that baby?
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already.
Rob Petrie: No, honey, I'm not gettin...
Laura Petrie: Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Three Letters from One Wife (#4.9)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [referring to his documentary script] The thing is, everybody knows that Alan is a great comedian. I thought this'd give him a chance to be something different.
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, a flop.

Rob Petrie: I don't think I'm very smart.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, you're smart enough to know you're stupid.

[Alan phones to decline Rob's request to host his documentary on comedy - something out of the norm for Alan - a rejection Rob is relieved to hear since failure of the documentary could cost him his job]
Alan Brady: I just think I'll stick to what I know is right for me.
Rob Petrie: [glad] Oh, sure, Alan. D'ya... you just weren't right for it.
Alan Brady: If you didn't think I was right for it in the first place, why did you show me the script?
Rob Petrie: But, well, now, no, in-in the first place, I-I thought you WERE right for it.
Alan Brady: But you've changed your mind.
Rob Petrie: No. No. I-I-I still think you're right for it.
Alan Brady: But you don't want me to do it.
Rob Petrie: Uh, well, look, Alan, let's put it this way. I'd... I'd... duh... I want you to do it, but it's... I don't want to force you.
Alan Brady: Rob, NOBODY forces Alan Brady to do ANYTHING.
Rob Petrie: That's right, Alan. I wouldn't force you. We'll get somebody else. That's all.
Alan Brady: Ah, Rob, you son of a gun, you did it. You really know how to use the psychology, don't you?
Rob Petrie: [now worried] ... Uh-huh...
Alan Brady: You win. I accept your challenge.
Rob Petrie: [tongue-tied] Wd-ah-wd-wd-ah-wh-ah...
Alan Brady: You don't say? Listen, Rob, are you trying to say there's something upsetting you here?
Rob Petrie: No, no! Oops, no, sir. I'm thrilled, Alan. I'm helple... ye... uh, uh, I'm, uh, I'm, uh... ha-ha-ha... speechless.
Alan Brady: After I do the show, Rob, you could be jobless, too. So long.

[Rob can't take another week of Alan's anxieties and needling over a risky show that become preempted due to a flooded subway]
Laura Petrie: Rob, something has come up that I, as your wife, feel that you should know.
Rob Petrie: If it'll make me happy, go ahead and tell me, if not, save it, because it could drive me over the brink.
Millie Helper: [bursting out in tears] Oh, Rob, I'm so sorry! Y-you don't ever have to speak to me ever again.
Rob Petrie: [levelly] It's not gonna me me happy, is it?
Laura Petrie: I don't think so.
Rob Petrie: Did she kill Jerry?
Laura Petrie: Rob, is has to do with the program.
Rob Petrie: SHE flooded the subway?
Millie Helper: [distraught] I was only trying to help!
Rob Petrie: [incredulously] She DID flood the subway?

Laura Petrie: Rob? Are you all right?
Rob Petrie: [laughing continuously] I couldn't be worse.
Millie Helper: Rob, what can I do?
Rob Petrie: Take advantage of my temporary insanity and get out of here.
[Millie runs out]
Laura Petrie: [trying to comfort Rob] Darling...
Rob Petrie: [unable to stop laughing] Don't touch me.

Buddy Sorrell: Rob, listen to me. Steal the mail.
Rob Petrie: I can't. It's dishonest.
Buddy Sorrell: So I'LL Steal it.
Rob Petrie: So it's still dishonest.
Buddy Sorrell: No, I'll be like Robin Hood. I'll rob from the rich and give to the Rob.

Rob Petrie: Wish me luck. I'm goin' to Alan's office.
Sally Rogers: Okay.
Buddy Sorrell: I'll go with ya. I'll wait in the hall and be your lookout.
Rob Petrie: Look, I'm not gonna steal the letters. I gonna tell Alan the truth.
Buddy Sorrell: I'll still go along.
Sally Rogers: Look, if he's gonna tell the truth, he doesn't need a lookout.
Buddy Sorrell: Sure, he does. I'll stand out there, and when Alan throws him out the window, I'll yell, "LOOKOUT!"

Rob Petrie: I wanna tell you that what-what may appear obvious on the, uh, surface may not be the same below the surface.
Alan Brady: Yeah, Lloyd Bridges proved that, didn't he?

Rob Petrie: Anybody is welcome to have their own opinion about anything. Millie, get out of my house.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Uhny Uftz (#5.3)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: We're vampires. We write sketches by night, and when the sun comes up they die.

Rob Petrie: [consulting a psychiatrist] What I'm trying to say is I really saw a flying saucer.
Dr. Phil Ridley: You did?
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Whadda ya think? Am I crazy?
Dr. Phil Ridley: Well, who's to say what's crazy?
Rob Petrie: Well, heh... can't YOU? I mean, all... everybody I've told about it...
Dr. Phil Ridley: Rob, you want to tell me all about it?
Rob Petrie: Well, look, I wanna pay for it.
Dr. Phil Ridley: Oh, don't be crazy.

[Rob is, again, alone in the office well after hours when... ]
Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Rob Petrie: I didn't hear that.
Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Rob Petrie: I didn't hear that, either.
Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Rob Petrie: I heard that.

Rob Petrie: What are you sneaking around in here for?
Buddy Sorrell: I always sneak around in empty buildings! You think I want somebody to hear me?

Rob Petrie: You uhny uftzed me.
Buddy Sorrell: Rob, I've done a lot of rotten things in my life. I never uhny uftzed anybody.

Rob Petrie: I MUST have been asleep. It seemed so REAL.
Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, you dream real good.

Rob Petrie: It's gotta be a dream. How could a flying saucer get in a ventilator?
Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Buddy Sorrell: I-I heard it, too.
Rob Petrie: How do I know I'm not dreamin' YOU?

Voice: Uhny Uftz.
Rob Petrie: [listening door to door for the source of the alien voice] It's not in the men's room.
Buddy Sorrell: No?
Voice: Uhny Uftz. Uhny Uftz.
Rob Petrie: Not in the ladies room.
Buddy Sorrell: See if they got one marked "Creatures."


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Big Max Calvada (#3.9)" (1963)
Max Calvada: Kenneth Dexter's my nephew. He's my sister Sylvia's boy.
Rob Petrie: You have a sister?
Max Calvada: Well, sure. She's a college graduate. And it's Kenneth's ambition to go into show business - as a comedian.
Bernard: [deadpan] The kid breaks me up.

Rob Petrie: I got a feeling if our jokes die, we're gonna go with them.

Laura Petrie: You're not really THAT nervous, are you?
Rob Petrie: Not nervous? When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower?

Rob Petrie: Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?
Kenny Dexter: Yeah, I've been taking voice lessons for three and a half weeks.
Sally Rogers: He's ready, then.

Max Calvada: Uh, Mrs. Petrie, I've taken the liberty of arranging for your transportation home because these folks have to stay on with me for a little business discussion.
Rob Petrie: Well, here-here? Tonight?
Max Calvada: Right now while the memory of Kenneth's debut is still fresh in our mind.

Rob Petrie: [realizing] Big Max Calvada...
Sally Rogers: I, uh, wonder why he's waitin' to see you.
Rob Petrie: [with growing dread] Because I TOLD him to wait.

[Nervously, Rob tries to discuss working for Max Calvada privately with Buddy and Sally while Max stands nearby very obviously listening to them]
Rob Petrie: [fearing for their lives] Hey, Sal, whadda you think?
Sally Rogers: Well, um, er, gosh, Rob. I-I-I don't know. What do you think, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, sh - sure. I agree with Rob.
Rob Petrie: Well, there's... uh, there's one thing we... another... that we got to consider is money, you know, because we already have a job.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, The Alan Brady Show.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, we... we've got an exclu... exclusive contract.
Sally Rogers: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: That's right.
Max Calvada: That could be worked out.
Rob Petrie: Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.
Sally Rogers: I think so.
Buddy Sorrell: I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.
Max Calvada: He knows ME.
Rob Petrie: And I suppose that, uh, Alan knows him, too.
Sally Rogers: Oh, sure.
Rob Petrie: Then there's the matter of money. We're gonna have to charge an awful lot of money.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Sally Rogers: A fortune. Don't forget, there's three of us.
Buddy Sorrell: We get a lot of loot for three. Right.
Max Calvada: Money is no object.
Rob Petrie: I would imagine the money's probably no object.

Max Calvada: He's openin' at the Diamond Club.
Sally Rogers: The Diamond Club?
Rob Petrie: Uh, you weren't, uh, thinking of opening Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you?
Max Calvada: Who's not thinkin' of it?
Rob Petrie: Mr. Calvada, I... I tell you, the Diamond Spot is-is one of the-the top spots around, and-and Kenny... Well, I mean, gifted as he may be, is-is an unknown.
Max Calvada: [not to be argued with] I know 'im. And coincidentally, the performer who is currently appearing there... took sick - next week.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: No Rice at My Wedding (#5.5)" (1965)
Sam Pomerantz: Look, pal, you're raffling her off, right?
Rob Petrie: Yeah.
Sam Pomerantz: Well, so, I might be the winner.
Rob Petrie: Sam, you're my friend!
Sam Pomerantz: Right, Rob, to the end - but if I win her, that's the end.

Laura Meehan: Rob, are you upset about this whole thing?
Rob Petrie: [emphatically] No.
Laura Meehan: Well, then how come those papers are pinned to my legs?

Laura Meehan: Then you're not upset about tonight?
Rob Petrie: No, honest, not a bit.
Laura Meehan: Well, if-if you are - just, you know, a little bit - just remember that all the time I'm out with him I'll be thinking of you.
Rob Petrie: Ah, that's sweet. And all the time you're out with him I'll be thinkin' of me, too.

Rob Petrie: Well... uh... now... uh, the emcee is gonna kiss the... the... Bivouac Beauty.
Heckler: Hey, they never did THAT before!
Rob Petrie: Progress, buddy. Progress.

Rob Petrie: Oh, hi, Sam.
Sam Pomerantz: What did I do?
Rob Petrie: Nothin', nothin', uh... You're just not Laura, that's all.
Sam Pomerantz: That's what everybody says.

Rob Petrie: They shouldn't allow a love-sick soldier with a loaded projector.

Rob Petrie: You've got exactly five minutes.
Laura Meehan: Five minutes?
Rob Petrie: That's right. The warden is on the wall right now talking to the convicts. Now if you're not back by the time the convicts grab the priest, you can forget about me.

[Rob mistakenly kisses Millie]
Rob Petrie: Millie, what're you doin' here?
Millie Crumberbacher: I forget. Ooo, I didn't give you enough points!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Coast to Coast Big Mouth (#5.1)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: What is long and yellow and seldom rings?
Buddy Sorrell: An unlisted banana.

Laura Petrie: I didn't know Alan had a nose job.
Rob Petrie: No, up till now it was a secret.

Rob Petrie: Wait a minute. You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you for tellin' a secret.
Laura Petrie: I'm not sure.

Rob Petrie: Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?
Buddy Sorrell: What was the name of Marie Antoinette's husband, the guy with no head?

Sally Rogers: She's here.
Rob Petrie: Where?
Sally Rogers: I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.
Rob Petrie: The elevator?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, that little room in the lobby that goes up and down.

Rob Petrie: Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura, I would rather you said to me.
Alan Brady: Okay, Rob. If that's the way you want it: Rob, you're a beautiful girl.

Laura Petrie: [relieved now that all turned out well] Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.
Alan Brady: [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out] You told her about my nose?
Laura Petrie: Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!
Rob Petrie: She loves it.
Alan Brady: Did you tell her about my capped teeth?
Laura Petrie: Mm-mm.
Rob Petrie: You've got capped teeth?
Alan Brady: NO!

[Millie and Laura can't decide on how to divide the prizes won on Pay As You Go!, so Rob steps in]
Rob Petrie: There are four prizes, right, Millie? You pick a number between one and ten.
Millie Helper: Ooo, uh, nine.
Rob Petrie: All right. Laura?
Laura Petrie: Three.
Rob Petrie: Three, all right. Uh, what's your favorite tree?
Millie Helper: Weeping willow.
Rob Petrie: Weeping willow.
Laura Petrie: The mighty oak.
Rob Petrie: All right, your favorite planet.
Laura Petrie: Earth.
Millie Helper: She took my planet.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Millie!
Millie Helper: Okay, give me Pluto.
Rob Petrie: Okay. Now that makes you a nine-willow-pluto, and that makes you a ten-oak-earth, so that means, Millie, that you get the dryer - right? - and the vacuum, and Laura gets rotisserie and a projector. That's it.
Millie Helper: Wonderful.
Laura Petrie: Rob, how did you arrive at that?
Rob Petrie: Well, what's the difference? We did it.
[Rob exits smiling slyly to himself, leaving Millie and Laura confounded]


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ballad of the Betty Lou (#3.10)" (1963)
Jerry Helper: Rob, you know, for a guy who knows something about everything, you sure know nothing about boats.
Rob Petrie: Well, when you're brought up in the mid-west, it's a long walk to the beach, Jerry.
Laura Petrie: [popping her head out from the kitchen] Hey, Rob? I prefer the beach.
Rob Petrie: Get back in the galley.

Rob Petrie: Look, the only area of a conflict is when there's a difference of opinion, right? I don't know the first thing about boats, so that I don't have any opinion at all; Jerry knows everything about boats. See? He could be the commodore, and I'd be the first mate.
Jerry Helper: Uh, no, no, Rob. I'll be the captain and you'll be the seaman.
Rob Petrie: FIrst class?
Jerry Helper: Third.
Laura Petrie: Fellas, it took you a long time to build this friendship. Don't kill it.

Rob Petrie: [not knowing Laura easily suffers seasickness] It'll be fun.
Laura Petrie: I don't think so.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Laura Petrie: Well, because ever since I was a kid, I've hardly ever had a good time while nauseous.
Rob Petrie: You were sick?
Laura Petrie: Yes, I was.
Rob Petrie: When?
Laura Petrie: From the moment you told me we were going on Alan's boat.
Rob Petrie: Well, you sat there the whole afternoon and you smiled.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, well, behind those happy teeth was a very sad stomach.

Laura Petrie: If you insist on having a hobby that does not include me, that canceled our patio furniture, that's ruining a trip to the national parks, if you don't mind going back on your promise to let Ritchie spit in the Grand Canyon, if you feel it's necessary to have a hobby that's going to make you and Jerry mortal enemies, then go right ahead, get your boat, and sail away.
Rob Petrie: And, uh, what will YOU do?
Laura Petrie: Oh, I'll be the same sweet, charming, adorable girl I've always been - but NOT to YOU.

Rob Petrie: [as they shake hand and embrace in anticipation of their first sea venture together] I wish our wives could see us now. Boy, this friendship ain't gonna break up.
Jerry Helper: Never. But, remember, Rob, don't touch me on the boat.

Rob Petrie: Honey, could you just for a minute forget that you're my wife or that I'm your husband?
Laura Petrie: [archly] Oh?

Rob Petrie: Honey, if you don't want me to go, just say so.
Laura Petrie: I don't want you to go.
Rob Petrie: Honey, let... let me put it another way.

Jerry Helper: Only yesterday, a patient of mine was in the office who has a gaff-rigged yawl.
Rob Petrie: Ooo, that sounds painful. Did you use novocaine?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Girls Will Be Boys (#4.23)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Rob, our son is a terrible liar.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's what I think.
Laura Petrie: No, I mean he's a terrible liar. He doesn't tell lies well. I know when he IS lying, Rob, and he wasn't about this girl.

Laura Petrie: I mean, being beaten up by a girl makes him a sissy, and who ever heard of a boy saying he was a sissy on purpose?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A lot of guys in the army tried it.

Laura Petrie: Rob, Ritchie is scared to go to school tomorrow.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, he didn't tell me that.
Laura Petrie: No, of course not. He tells you the brave things. When he's chicken, he talks to me.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Boy, people get mean when they're wet.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, uh, Mr. Darwell, out children have been fighting.
Ogden Darwell: Fi... But, uh, your child is a male. I mean, he's a boy, isn't he?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, ye... my male is... is a boy. I have... a Ritchie. I have a... boy.
Ogden Darwell: And they've been fighting?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Yes.
Ogden Darwell: That's very odd. I mean, Pricilla hasn't come home hurt or anything.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, that's... that's because she's winning.

Buddy Sorrell: Gee, when I was a little boy, there was one girl beatin' me up all the time.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Really?
Buddy Sorrell: My mother.

[Rob and Laura decide to give Ritchie permission to hit the girl who's been beating him up at school]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Call him out and tell him.
Laura Petrie: Me? Why me?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, honey, it's a mother's place to tell a little boy to hit a girl.
Laura Petrie: What makes it a mother's place?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: The father who tells the mother that it's her place.

Ritchie Petrie: I never kissed a girl before.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, you kissed Mommy.
Ritchie Petrie: That's not the same.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, yes it is.
Laura Petrie: No, it isn't.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Don't confuse him, honey.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Young Man with a Shoehorn (#4.22)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: What is with you and that shoe store?
Buddy Sorrell: It's a good business, and with a little extra money could be a great business. Come on. What have you got to lose?
Rob Petrie: Our money.
Buddy Sorrell: Ya can't lose. If anything goes wrong, I can always be your hostage.
Rob Petrie: You're not worth that much.

Rob Petrie: Underwear's not the most important thing in the whole world.
Laura Petrie: Unless you're wearing a tweed suit.

Rob Petrie: Two days in the shoe business and already I'm a heel.

Rob Petrie: I do not make terrible puns. Give me the nutcracker, sweetie.

[Sid quits, leaving Buddy and Rob in charge when a customer walks in]
Buddy Sorrell: YOU wait on the guy.
Rob Petrie: [in a desperate half-whisper] I don't know how.
Buddy Sorrell: It's easy. You bought shoes, didn't you? It's the same thing only you face the other way and sit lower.

Customer: Young man, what are you doing?
Rob Petrie: My... my finger's in your... in your foot.

Buddy Sorrell: What're you lookin' at?
Rob Petrie: Huh? Oh, uh, nothin'. I'm...
Buddy Sorrell: Well, next time you see it, lemme know.

Rob Petrie: Lady, I... I can't wait on you. I'm a married man.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Pen Is Mightier Than the Mouth (#3.21)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: You're not going back on there again?
Sally Rogers: What, I thought you said you liked me last night.
Rob Petrie: We loved ya last night, but all day we couldn't stand ya.

Rob Petrie: All right, we'll finish Alan's monologue, then we'll go to work on yours. Is that good enough?
Sally Rogers: Oh, perfect, but would you mind writing mine first, please?
Buddy Sorrell: Why should we write yours first?
Sally Rogers: Well, Alan doesn't have to go to the beauty parlor, and Alan doesn't have to buy a new dress.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, he should. The one he's got is very shabby.

Buddy Sorrell: I can't read your stuff. What'd you do, write this with a dirty fingernail?
Rob Petrie: Will you just stop giving me reviews and let me read it? Okay. "Alan..." "Alan entrances?..." Enters! "Alan enters and steps deed on his trucks."
Buddy Sorrell: What's the matter? Can't you read? Terrible handwriting. That's "steps dead on his tracks." Your writing's awful. Hey, that's MY handwriting.
Rob Petrie: What'd you do, write it with a dirty fingernail?

Mel Cooley: W-where's Sally?
Rob Petrie: Uh... dentist.
Buddy Sorrell: [together with Rob] Foot doctor.
Buddy Sorrell: Uh, b'uh... foot dentist. She had her big toe filled.

Mel Cooley: Now, you're the head writer.
Rob Petrie: So, Mel, what do you want me to do?
Buddy Sorrell: Write him a new head.

Sally Rogers: [as she exits] I love you both!
Buddy Sorrell: [muttering] "I love you both." Boy, I wish she wouldn't have said that.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, because I feel guilty, uh, you know, hatin' somebody that loves me.
Rob Petrie: Oh, I think that's kind of childish, Buddy.
Buddy Sorrell: You mean you don't hate her?
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, but I don't feel guilty about it.

Rob Petrie: Well, couldn't you at least read it so we could write it back? What, did you flunk penmanship or something?
Buddy Sorrell: "Read it so you can write it back?" What'd YOU flunk, tonguemanship?

Mel Cooley: Alan's been chewing my head off.
Rob Petrie: Oh, is that how it happened?
Mel Cooley: ROB!
Rob Petrie: I'm sorry, Mel. I'm not myself today.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, he's gettin' to be more like me. Notice the improvement?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Ray Murdock's X-Ray (#2.18)" (1963)
Ray Murdock: Well, uh, how about letting me "x-ray" you?
Rob Petrie: I dunno, Ray. Some of my friends here tell me I'd be a fool to go on.
Ray Murdock: [chuckling] No, I wouldn't give YOU a rough time. I only do that with people who are controversial or who like a good fight.

Rob Petrie: [arriving at the studio] Is, uh, Mr. Murdock here?
Stage Manager: No, he gets here about five seconds before we roll.
Rob Petrie: Five seconds? Isn't that calling it a little bit close?
Stage Manager: Well, you see, he doesn't like to meet the guests before the interview.
Rob Petrie: Well, why not?
Stage Manager: He doesn't like to fraternize with his opponents.

Sally Rogers: [coming out from behind a curtain with Buddy] Rob. We were watching the show in the control room. I hope you don't mind.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, where do we send the flowers?
Rob Petrie: You saw that fiasco?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. Maybe you better sleep at my house for a couple of years.

Rob Petrie: If she sees this show, my wife is never gonna speak to me again.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah? Hey, how can I get on that show?

Rob Petrie: [holding the phone] Well, Honey, I know it sounds silly, but if you don't give Sally this recipe right now...
Laura Petrie: What'll happen?
Rob Petrie: Well... two of her best friends are gonna have a terrible fight.

Rob Petrie: Wanna... wanna finish our dance?
[Laura, humiliated, does not respond]
Rob Petrie: Our marriage?

Rob Petrie: Aw, Honey, all right. I apologize, but believe me, nobody's gonna think you're a kook or anything. I'll bet you none of your friends even saw that show.
Laura Petrie: How can you be so sure?
Rob Petrie: Because, Honey, if they saw it, you can bet that that phone...
[as Rob points to it, the phone rings]
Rob Petrie: [pause] ... would be ringing.

Ray Murdock: So how does your wife feel about the whole country laughing at things that she said to you in the privacy of your home?
Rob Petrie: Well, uh, Ray, she, uh... uh... uh, she understands. I'm sh... She knows I'm a comedy writer.
Ray Murdock: And she forgives you for holding her up to national ridicule?
Rob Petrie: Well, wh... Ray, heh-heh-heh... Uh, right up to this moment I don't think the country was aware that, uh... those comedy sketches were, uh, you know, based on my wife's actual experiences.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Third One from the Left (#3.14)" (1964)
Mel Cooley: [having seen Joanie kissing Rob] I'd hate to see it start, Rob.
Rob Petrie: You hate to see WHAT start?
Mel Cooley: So many couples we've known, it's hard to get up a bridge game.

Rob Petrie: [angrily on the phone] Laura, will you call Joanie's mother and tell her to make Joanie leave me alone?

Rob Petrie: I don't... What am I gonna DO with her. She's NUTS about me.
Laura Petrie: Aw, she'll get over it. I did.

Laura Petrie: Hi, Darling. How'd it go today?
Rob Petrie: Congratulate me - I'm engaged.
Laura Petrie: You're WHAT?
Rob Petrie: I wanted you to be the very first to know.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

Rob Petrie: Well, I wanna tell her that if I run away with her, you'll kill yourself.
Laura Petrie: No, tell her that if you run away with her, I'll kill you both. No, no, that's no good. Then no one will have any fun.
Rob Petrie: Buddy will. He's got dibs on you.

Rob Petrie: Well, there's nothing more for us to do around here. I guess we may go home to our loved ones.
Buddy Sorrell: Not me. I'm goin' home to my wife.

Rob Petrie: You know what Laura said to me last night?
Buddy Sorrell: Get out of the house.
Sally Rogers: She said Joanie is in love with you.
Rob Petrie: Hehe-heh, she said Joanie is in love... How did YOU know?
Sally Rogers: Figures. The kid's eighteen, you're an older man, you showed an interest in her...
Rob Petrie: I did not. I just suggested her for a part.
Sally Rogers: Rob, to a moony teenager, that's like a proposal of marriage.

Rob Petrie: You're gettin' pretty sophisticated, by the way. I call you on the phone and tell you a girl kissed me; you don't even get jealous!
Laura Petrie: Well, I figured your call was for help, not to boast.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Washington vs. the Bunny (#1.4)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: Laura, there is no reason for your behavior!
Laura Petrie: There is every reason for my behavior - I'm angry!
Rob Petrie: Angry, yes, because I wouldn't behave like a puppet! Because I felt a responsibility to my employer!
Laura Petrie: For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry. I realize you have to do what you think is right. I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself get pushed around by anyone, including me.
Rob Petrie: Well, what are you angry with me for?
Laura Petrie: I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with me for being angry with you.
Rob Petrie: Well, is there anything I can do to patch up this little quarrel you're having among yourself so I can get out of the doghouse?
Laura Petrie: Did you ever think of trying a kiss?
[Rob leans over to kiss her on the neck]
Laura Petrie: Not on the neck.
[Rob kisses her lightly on the cheek]
Laura Petrie: That's better.
[Rob kisses her lightly on the lips]
Laura Petrie: Almost.
[smiles]
Laura Petrie: [they embrace and kiss deeply] Oh, yes.
[they resume their kiss]

Rob Petrie: [referring to Ritchie] How'd he get so cute?
Laura Petrie: Your mother says you were just like him when you were a little boy.
Rob Petrie: Why, I'm surprised she said that.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Rob Petrie: I think I'm cuter. Gimme a kiss.
Laura Petrie: Never kiss egomaniacs.
Rob Petrie: Well, how 'bout hungry husbands?
Laura Petrie: Them I feed.
[She puts a grape in his mouth]

Bill: [after singing "You're the Top"] Boy, that Irving Berlin sure knew how to write 'em, didn't he?
Rob Petrie: Uh, Cole Porter.
Bill: You sure it wasn't Berlin?
Rob Petrie: Porter.
Bill: I coulda swore Irving wrote that. Then who wrote "White Christmas"?
Rob Petrie: Irving Berlin.
Bill: Oh, yeah.
[laughs]
Bill: You know, I always get those two songs mixed up. It's a good thing I don't need an ear for music. I'm in ladies underwear.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: [to Rob] Well, there's a young girl singer making her debut on a local Washington station tomorrow, and Alan would like you to go there and do some talent scouting.
Rob Petrie: Sure, I'd love to go.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Ah, fine.
Rob Petrie: Hey, wait a minute, tomorrow morning is bad for me. How about the next day?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Oh, I'm afraid not. No, every TV station in town is gonna be sending a... a scout down there, and we don't want them to beat us to the punch.
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah. How about letting Buddy go?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah, how about letting Buddy go?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: We want an opinion we can respect.

Rob Petrie: Maybe you can convince me that I'm not a liar and a rotten husband and an irresponsible father.
Bill: Boy! Whatever you didn't do, I think you shoulda done it.

[Rob phoned Alan Brady to say his son may have a broken arm]
Laura Petrie: Why didn't you just tell him the truth?
Rob Petrie: Because I just couldn't tell Alan Brady that the reason I can't go to Washington is because my son is the main bunny.

Laura Petrie: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting a man who gave up a trip to Washington, simply because... I ORDERED him to. Presenting... my puppet!
[brings out Rob as a puppet]
Laura Petrie: Now, bow for the people.
[Rob bows]
Laura Petrie: Now show how nicely you make a telephone call.
Rob Petrie: [talking on a phone; nasally] Hello? I want to go to Washington!
Laura Petrie: No! Now, you say that the RIGHT way.
Rob Petrie: [nasally] Hello? I DON'T want to go to Washington!
Laura Petrie: That's a good boy.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Rob Petrie: No, not at all, Mel.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Speak for yourself, Rob. I can't even drink coffee with Goldilocks around; curdles the cream.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It's a Shame She Married Me (#2.29)" (1963)
[New sponsor Jim Darling enters the writers' room]
Rob Petrie: Jim Darling. Excuse me for staring at you, but I've... sure I know you.
Mel Cooley: Well, of course you do. He's one of our nation's most dynamic businessmen.
Buddy Sorrell: Attaboy, Mel. Keep a civil tongue on his boots.

Rob Petrie: You, uh... you never got married, huh?
Jim Darling: Well, how could I? You got my girl.

Sally Rogers: I wonder if the janitor of a building is like the captain of a ship.
Rob Petrie: What?
Sally Rogers: I mean, can he marry us? I'd like a simple basement wedding, just the immediate help.

Rob Petrie: The world would be a lot better if everybody was committed.

Rob Petrie: And this is our new sponsor Jim Darling.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, wait a minute. Let's get that right - Jim, our darling sponsor.

Rob Petrie: Buddy, where's, uh, Pickles?
Buddy Sorrell: She's takin' a course in cooking. She stayed home, and she's rehearsing breakfast.

Rob Petrie: [Reaching for the Potato Poopies] I'll have some more of those, Laura darling.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Laura Darling. That would have been her name if she had married you.
[Pointing to Jim Darling]

Laura Petrie: Uh, would anyone like some coffee?
Jim Darling: Yes, as a matter of fact I could use a cup.
Rob Petrie: I'll get it honey.
Sally Rogers: [Jumping up] Ah, I'll help you Luara.
Rob Petrie: Sally, I said I'm going get it.
Sally Rogers: Oh, boy, are you going to get it.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Nice, Friendly Game of Cards (#3.18)" (1964)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, Ritchie, when you cheat to win, that's naughty, but when you cheat to lose... it's ridiculous.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Why would I use marked cards to win ten dollars?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, it's easier than sticking up a live chicken market.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm gonna go put on my lucky slippers.
Buddy Sorrell: What're gonna do, shuffle the cards with your toes?

[Rob's been on a two-hour winning streak]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [while rapping against the table] Gimme those deuces, and gimme those treys. Gimme those aces - that's the way I plays. Just put your money right in the pot. I'll take it home, and thanks a lot.

Ritchie Petrie: Bad luck, Daddy.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [laughs nervously] Thanks. I mean, go to bed.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: This is my magic deck.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, magic is right. You just made your friends disappear.

Sally Rogers: Hey, uh, what was going on? Who was that?
Laura Petrie: Oh, his name is Lou Gregory and he's a very ungracious man. Hi, Sally.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A little suspicious, too. Hi Sal.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Jerry Helper: Well, you can't blame him. He used to be an assistant district attorney. Hi, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Hi, Jer. Well, what was he doing here?
Millie Helper: He's a patient of Jerry's and we invited him over for a nice, frienly evening. Hi, Sal.

Lou Gregory: [angry that he lost a good hand to Rob] Why, that's pure luck!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [gloating in a southern accent] Why, sir, down in ole Mississippi we call that "know-how."
Laura Petrie: Will you stop gloating?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [still in his accent] All I said was "know-how." You know what means, don't cha? That means that you folks ain't got no chance... no how.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Go Tell the Birds and the Bees (#5.10)" (1965)
Sally Rogers: Well, I see Mel was pretty busy today. Boy, look at all these phone messages.
Rob Petrie: How do you know Mel took the messages.
Sally Rogers: Well, because they're in three neat piles: his, hers, its.

Rob Petrie: What's wrong?
Laura Petrie: Well, it seems that Ritchie has been giving lectures to the other children.
Rob Petrie: What kind of lectures?
Laura Petrie: On the facts of life.

Dr. Gormsley: I'm awfully sorry I was late. I was in the principal's office.
Rob Petrie: [grinning] The principal? What'd you do?

Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, listen, when I was Ritchie's age I was much younger.

Dr. Gormsley: [reading Ritchie's version of reproduction] When a mommy and a daddy want a baby, they put a silver dollar under their pillow when they go to sleep at night.
Laura Petrie: A silver dollar under their pillow?
Rob Petrie: Oh, boy.
Dr. Gormsley: And when they wake up and find the silver dollar is gone, they know that Mr. Cabbage has been there.
Laura Petrie: Mr. Cabbage?
Dr. Gormsley: Mr. Cabbage takes the silver dollar to Esmeralda the queen tomato, and in front of the other vegetables...
Dr. Gormsley and Rob: [together] ... three broccolis and a radish...
Rob Petrie: [alone] ... Esmeralda plants a baby seed in a magic garden saying, "Starlight, star bright, we're gonna grow a baby tonight."
Laura Petrie: Rob!
Dr. Gormsley: Then this IS familiar to you, Mr. Petrie.
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, yeah. And on a... on a bright and sunny morning, nestled in a... in a nest of, uh, lettuce leaves, is a beautiful pink pumpkin.
Laura Petrie: A pink pumpkin?
Rob Petrie: Well, if it's a girl. Boys come in blue pumpkins.

Rob Petrie: It's just that, Rich, there's a little confusion about what you're tellin' the kids at school; I'd like to clear it up if I can.
Ritchie Petrie: Oh, you mean about the babies and all that stuff.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, that... that's right, dear.
Ritchie Petrie: But I didn't tell 'em what you told me not to tell.
Rob Petrie: Well, who told you what to tell 'em?
Ritchie Petrie: Nobody. I made it up.
Laura Petrie: You made it up?
Ritchie Petrie: Yeah. Grampa's story about Mr. Cabbage was silly.
Rob Petrie: Well, right, right.
Ritchie Petrie: And your story about the eggs and everything made a lot of sense.
Rob Petrie: Of course it did.
Ritchie Petrie: But you said I shouldn't tell that story to anybody.
Rob Petrie: Right again.
Ritchie Petrie: So I had to make one up.
Laura Petrie: Well, why, Rich? Why did you have to make up ANY story?
Ritchie Petrie: Because the kids like me to tell stories - and I'm good at it, like Daddy.
Rob Petrie: How do you like THAT?

Ritchie Petrie: What about bears?
Rob Petrie: What about 'em?
Ritchie Petrie: Don't they fall in love and get married?
Rob Petrie: Well... y-yes, in a manner of speaking, they do, Rich.
Ritchie Petrie: How about a fox and a rabbit?
Rob Petrie: A fox and a rabbit. No. Uh, R... they can't, Rich. They can't. Certain, um... Rich, there're just certain animals that-that don't get along together. You see, it wouldn't... it wouldn't make sense for them to get married, see?
Ritchie Petrie: How about Millie and Jerry? The got married.
Rob Petrie: Well... that's a little different, uh, Rich. M-Millie and Jerry love each other, really. It's just they like to... to show it at the top of their lungs, that's all.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Curious Thing About Women (#1.16)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Rob, if I thought that you sent this boat here to trap me...
Rob Petrie: Oh, honey, I ordered this long before we did the sketch. This is what gave me the idea. Honest.
Laura Petrie: Rob, I tried not to open it, I really did, but I - I guess I'm just a pathological snoopy-nose!
Rob Petrie: Oh, honey, everybody's a snoopy-nose. We all like to know what's inside things.
Laura Petrie: I guess so.
Rob Petrie: Why, I know so. You know something? I'm very, very curious about something right now.
Laura Petrie: What?
Rob Petrie: Well, I'm wondering how long we're going to keep on with this polite talking before we get down to serious kissing!
Laura Petrie: [smiles] About three seconds.
Rob Petrie: Three?
[looks at his watch]
Rob Petrie: One, two...
Laura Petrie: I forgive you!
[they kiss deeply]

Rob Petrie: [seeing Laura peeking out from behind the newly-inflated raft] Honey, did a package come for me?

Rob Petrie: I don't like condensed mail for breakfast. You left all the flavor out of it.
Laura Petrie: "All the flavor..." Rob, it was a letter, not a stew.

Rob Petrie: All right, you dirty little rat, where'd you put it?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: But Mommy, Mommy, you told me not to tell ya.
Rob Petrie: Don't do what I told you. Do what I tell ya!

Sally Rogers: What's a matter with fifteen?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thirty-two's a funnier number.
Sally Rogers: Since when?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Thirty-two has ALWAYS been a funnier number! I hear thirty-two, I get hysterical! Watch.
[turns to Rob]
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Try me.
Rob Petrie: Thirty-two.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoooo!
Sally Rogers: Well, I gotta admit he's right.

Rob Petrie: Hey, I got it!
Sally Rogers: What? What?
Rob Petrie: Cut the hair.
Sally Rogers, Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [together] Cut the hair!
Rob Petrie: It's a boat!
Sally Rogers: A boat with hair?

Laura Petrie: I open a couple of your letters and you advertise it to twenty million people.
Rob Petrie: Forty million.
Laura Petrie: FORTY million people, that I'm a pathological snoopy-nose.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Gesundheit, Darling (#2.12)" (1962)
[Rob, whose sneezing has woken up Laura, gets out of the bed and heads out of the bedroom]
Laura Petrie: Where're you going?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm gonna go to the den and get some sleep!
Laura Petrie: No, you're not. You're going there to sneeze thoughts that I can't hear!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I am going to go to the den to get some sleep so that you don't have to stay up all night saying...
[sneezes again]
Laura Petrie: Gesundheit!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [in his sleep] Mama, make... make Papa mow the ragweed.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [angrily] I am not gonna discuss it any further. I love you - and that is IT!

Laura Petrie: You ARE angry with me.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Laura, how did you figure that?
Laura Petrie: THAT was a hostile sneeze.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It feels like I'm allergic to SOMETHING.
Laura Petrie: To marriage, perhaps? To me?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: My gosh, I didn't even have to blow my nose all day.
Laura Petrie: THERE'S good news.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, gimme a hug and a kiss.
Laura Petrie: Not if you were the last man on Earth.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [as he starts chasing Laura around the kitchen] Well, I'm... do I... honey, I... it's not for pleasure.
Laura Petrie: Thank you.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, huh... uh, sweetie, it's an experiment.
Laura Petrie: [fleeing into the living room] Then go kiss a guinea pig!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think I'm allergic to Jerry.
Jerry Helper: What?
Millie Helper: You're not making any sense.
Millie Helper: [to Laura] He's not making any sense.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Jerry, gimme a hug.
Jerry Helper: A HUG!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Come on.
Jerry Helper: No... Rob...
[Rob hugs Jerry]
Jerry Helper: ROB...!
[Rob sneezes]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh. Oh, good, good. Oh... All right, Millie, you're next.
Millie Helper: What?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Gimme a hug.
Millie Helper: Laura!
Laura Petrie: Do as he says.
Jerry Helper: Hey!
Millie Helper: Laura says I have to.
[Rob hugs Millie and sneezes]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, boy, now we're gettin' somewhere!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'm No Henry Walden (#2.26)" (1963)
Mrs. Huntington: Mr. and Mrs. Petrof, I am Mrs. Huntington, your hostess. Come, I want you to meet some of my very dear friends. People, I want you to meet Mr. and Mrs. William Petrof.
Rob Petrie: Petrie.
Mrs. Huntington: Oh, yes. You pronounce that Petrof, don't you?

Mrs. Huntington: Mr. and Mrs. William Petrof.
Rob Petrie: [correcting] Petrie.
Mrs. Huntington: Oh, I'll never get that straight. Suppose I just call you, uh... Bill?
Rob Petrie: [correcting] Rob.
Mrs. Huntington: Bill and Rob! That's so much easier, of course.

Mrs. Venetia Fellows: Hasn't he a marvelous mind?
Rob Petrie: Marvelous.
Mrs. Venetia Fellows: He has the gift and the ability to say things that, uh, uh... uh...
Rob Petrie: Well, uh, uh, seem vague but are in reality meaningless.
Mrs. Venetia Fellows: Ah, yes!

Rob Petrie: [to Laura, realizing no one knows who they are] You still, uh, think we belong here, "Rob?"

Mrs. Huntington: Couldn't I just call you Bill?
Rob Petrie: Why don't... Why don't you just call me Rob?
Mrs. Huntington: Oh, I apologize, Bob.
Rob Petrie: [correcting] No, that's Rob - Rob Petrof.
Rob Petrie: [correcting himself] PETRIE!
Mrs. Huntington: [to Mr. Walden] Now, you see, Henry? No one can say that name.

Rob Petrie: Thank you very much but I know very little about the, uh, early history of American humor.
Buddy Sorrell: Don't look at me. I don't even know the name of Paul Revere's horse.
Sally Rogers: Chicken, son of Flicka.

Mrs. Huntington: [continuing to mis-introduce Rob and Laura to other guests] And, then, this is Vonitia Fellows. Uh, uh, Bill and Rob Petrof.
Mrs. Venetia Fellows: [shaking Rob's hand] Bill.
Rob Petrie: [correcting] Rob.
Mrs. Venetia Fellows: [shaking Laura's hand] Rob.
Laura Petrie: [correcting] Laura.
Mrs. Venetia Fellows: [correcting] Vonitia.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Will You Two Be My Wife? (#2.17)" (1963)
[Rob and Sam debate over how to tell Dorothy Rob's marrying Laura instead of her]
Rob Petrie: How can you break news like that in a letter, anyway?
Sam: Well, like this: You write, uh, "Dear Dorothy. How are you? I am fine. Regards to your mother and father. Sincerely, Sergeant Petrie. P.S. I'm sorry you couldn't make it here for my wedding."

Rob Petrie: And as Hamlet once said, "Hark, here comes Dorothy and I wish I was dead."

Dorothy: Well, didn't you come here to talk about marriage?
Rob Petrie: Yes. No!
Dorothy: Well, which is it?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... I came to talk about marriage but not OUR marriage.
Dorothy: Whose marriage, then?
Rob Petrie: Mine.
Dorothy: Yours.
Rob Petrie: Yeah.
Dorothy: Yours and whose?
Rob Petrie: Uh, Laura.
Dorothy: WHO THE DEVIL IS LAURA!

Sally Rogers: What about the honeymoon? Did you get to have one?
Rob Petrie: I don't know yet.

Rob Petrie: [as Buddy and Sally enter] Hi, fellas.
Sally Rogers: "Fellas." He said it again! He said "fellas."
Rob Petrie: Oh, I'm sorry, Sally. You're always talkin' about how you like to be treated like one of the guys.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but not when I'm wearing my most feminine outfit. "Fellas!"
Rob Petrie: I'm, sorry, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Look, Rob, just for once, make believe I'm a girl?
Buddy Sorrell: We'll do our best, Fred.

[Rob explains he wants the first of two three-day passes for his honeymoon]
Captain: Why do you want another one?
Rob Petrie: Well, sir, I have to go back to Danville, Illinois, to tell my OTHER fiance that I can't marry her too.
Captain: Oh. I see. You want to get rid of the girl back home, huh?
Rob Petrie: Well, no. No, sir. Not exactly. I... She's, uh... Well... yeah, I... more or less.
Captain: I'm sorry, Petrie. One three-day pass is IT.
Rob Petrie: But-but, sir...
Captain: And you can either use it for your honeymoon or you can go back to Danville and do the manly thing. Now it's your choice.
Rob Petrie: Well, sir, I-I don't know what to do!
Captain: I know what I'D do. I'd tell that girl back home.
Rob Petrie: Oh, sir, would ya? It'd mean so much more coming from a captain.

[Buddy and Sally are reading Rob's manuscript about being engaged to someone else]
Rob Petrie: [voiceover] As I was standing in Dorothy's living room, I felt like a soldier who was AWOL: absent without love. As Hamlet once said, "Hark, here comes Dorothy, and I wish was dead." I had forgotten how beautiful and graceful Dorothy was. She was lovely, blond, about two inches taller than Laura, and about 45 percent sexier.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Redcoats Are Coming (#4.20)" (1965)
[first lines]
[Rob, Sally, and Buddy escape into a rehearsal room, while being pursued by a mob of screaming teenaged girls]
Rob Petrie: [successfully diverting the throng by yelling] The Redcoats have gone backstage!
[the girls run off]
Buddy Sorrell: Oh boy!
Rob Petrie: Do you think the Redcoat craze is just a publicity stunt?
Buddy Sorrell: I haven't heard screaming like this since I told my wife my mother was comin' for a visit.

Freddie: You see, we promised not to get any sleep till we became rich and famous.
Rob Petrie: Well, you ARE rich and famous.
Freddie: Oh? Goodnight.
[the boys fake instant sleep]

[as the manager exits, he reminds Mel to talk to Rob]
Rob Petrie: What are you supposed to talk to me about?
Mel Cooley: Oh, well, it's, uh, private, Rob.
Buddy Sorrell: Private? I know. He wants to steal their hair, and he wants you to drive the getaway car.

Rob Petrie: [poking fun of Mel's elaborate cloak-and-dagger-like tactics for getting Fred & Ernie to Rob's house] Well, uh, what's the, uh, password, Mel?
Mel Cooley: Paul Revere.
Rob Petrie: [flabbergasted and doing a double take] You're kidding!

Laura Petrie: Rob, I want to tell you something, and you're probably going to say it's childish and immature and female, but, Rob, I'm just dying to tell somebody they're here.
Rob Petrie: Uh-huh. That's childish AND immature.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, yeah...
Rob Petrie: But it's not female. I feel exactly the same way. Like if I could just tell Jerry. Anybody!
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I'd just like to tell EVERYBODY.
Rob Petrie: That's female.

Laura Petrie: Gee, I don't now how I'm gonna handle Millie though. She's just gonna hate me for not telling her.
Rob Petrie: Well, you can blame me, honey. Tell her I threatened you or something.
Laura Petrie: No. She knows that doesn't stop me.

Rob Petrie: It's, uh... , one o'clock.
Laura Petrie: No it isn't. It's eleven.
Rob Petrie: I know, but just SAY it's one o'clock. We've been standing here arguing for two solid hours now, and I've... say you... I've finally given in.
Laura Petrie: Oh, good, darling That's the kind of argument I like.
Rob Petrie: [as Laura rushes to the telephone] What are you gonna do?
Laura Petrie: I'm going to call Millie and tell her to hold tomorrow morning open.
Rob Petrie: [leading her away to bed] Come on.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Rob Petrie: You can't call her now. It's one o'clock in the morning.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is the Best One (#3.15)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Behind every great man...
Rob Petrie: ...is a woman with a big mouth.

Alan Brady: [having chewed out Rob in a rage] Now GET OUT OF HERE!
Rob Petrie: [submissively] How far out? Just...
Alan Brady: Well, from now, I'd go into your office until I tell you w-whether my "satirical sword" needs any sharpening! And next time you talk to a reporter, will you try to work my name in, even if you have to force it into the conversation! And tell your wife to eat at home next time, will ya?

Rob Petrie: Look, you guys, I'd like to explain about that article.
Sally Rogers: Oh, what's to explain? It's all down here in black and blue.

Rob Petrie: That's a wonderful joke, Buddy.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh? Well, would you mind signing this?
Rob Petrie: What for?
Buddy Sorrell: It's a receipt for the joke in case anybody asks me what I do around here.
Sally Rogers: Oh, Buddy! Making him sign a receipt. I think that's terrible.
Rob Petrie: Thanks, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Anything we write, we'll just type our initials to it.

[Newstime Magazine mentions Rob's name eleven times but Alan Brady's only seven]
Laura Petrie: Do you mean to tell me that he is so small and petty that he counted how many times his name was mentioned?
Rob Petrie: The bigger they are, the harder they count.

Rob Petrie: [explaining why he didn't try harder to keep Laura quiet] Because even though I was embarrassed by everything you said, I sat there and I enjoyed every minute of it! I guess, deep down in my subconscious, I was in complete agreement with you, that's why!
Laura Petrie: Then why are you shouting at me?
Rob Petrie: I'm shouting at ME. You're just in the way.

Diane Moseby: Oh, but does Alan Brady contribute anything to the script?
Rob Petrie: Oh, my, yes. He's VERY creative. One of the biggest contributors.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, he signs Rob's checks every week.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bottom of Mel Cooley's Heart (#5.19)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: Like my mother always says, "If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will."
Rob Petrie: Yeah, well, everybody's mother says that.
Laura Petrie: 'Cept Mel's.
Rob Petrie: Well, I'm his new mother, and I don't know what to do with him, either.

Rob Petrie: [about Mel] Well, we gotta make him feel appreciated, make him feel wanted.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't we put his picture in the post office?

Rob Petrie: I'll pretend like I'm tyin' my shoelace.
Buddy Sorrell: Wait, you're wearin' loafers.
Rob Petrie: That's why I have to pretend.

[distracted my Mel's problem, Rob has eaten dinner without noticing it]
Rob Petrie: Have you got any dessert?
Laura Petrie: You ate it.
Rob Petrie: What was it?
Laura Petrie: Bavarian cream pie.
Rob Petrie: Oh, darn. I love that! Is there any more?
Laura Petrie: Darling, you had two helpings.
Rob Petrie: Aw, darn. Why didn't you tell me?

Rob Petrie: That's why you need Mel.
Alan Brady: Why, because he's a drudge?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Alan Brady: A sniveling coward?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Alan Brady: A brainless idiot?
Rob Petrie: Right.
Buddy Sorrell: So far, I coulda done this.

Rob Petrie: Only a square would spend so many hours checking the details. Only a pest... only a brother-in-law would try to watch your budget like he does. A whipping boy? Sure he is, but he takes a whipping for the people you really would like to hit; and, if you did, they'd hit back, and you wouldn't have any show.

Alan Brady: You guys make me feel like Captain Bligh. You really want Mel back Mr. Christian?
Rob Petrie: Yes.
Buddy Sorrell: So does Mr. Jewish.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: You're Under Arrest (#5.13)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Honey, you're up. You got a swingin' lamp and a hot television set.

Rob Petrie: [explaining his black eye] Well, you know that iron jockey out on Jerry's lawn?
Laura Petrie: He punched you.
Rob Petrie: Right.

Sally Rogers: Why'd the police call?
Rob Petrie: Well, I think they called because I knocked over a couple of garbage cans.
Buddy Sorrell: Should have knocked over a bank. There's no money in garbage.

Sally Rogers: They said that you hit an old lady? Oh, come on. That's ridiculous!
Rob Petrie: Well, boy, someone who drives a car with my license number did.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you drive one of those.

Rob Petrie: Why are you trying to put me behind bars?
Buddy Sorrell: I'm a public-spirited citizen.

Rob Petrie: Gee, I never kinda thought of myself as a suspect.
Cox: You'll get used to it.

Norton: Now, where'd you get the black eye?
Rob Petrie: You're... you're gonna laugh.
Cox: You wanna bet?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bank Book 6565696 (#2.4)" (1962)
[last lines]
Rob Petrie: Honey, you know I appreciate what you're trying to do. I think it's a wonderful idea, but we got to look at the thing practically. It's gonna take you, what, twenty years to save enough money for that car.
Laura Petrie: Darling, you mean you want me to just forget all about it?
Rob Petrie: No, no. You know what we ought to do?
Laura Petrie: What?
Rob Petrie: I think we ought to sell the house and get the car right away.
Laura Petrie: Well, what's the rush?
Rob Petrie: Well, I know when I get the car, I intend on asking you to take a trip with me, and I'd like to do it while I'm still young.
Laura Petrie: What's the matter, darling? Don't you think I'd accept an invitation from a gray-haired old gentleman?
Rob Petrie: Well, sure you would, but who wants to roll around the country in a hot sportscar with a gray-haired old lady?
[Annoyed, Laura hits Rob with a pillow]
Laura Petrie: Good night, darling.
Rob Petrie: Good night.

Buddy Sorrell: For years, my wife kept throwing quarters into a cookie jar. Drove me nuts! Finally, I found out what she was saving for.
Rob Petrie: What was it?
Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers: [in unison] Cookies!

Ritchie Petrie: Happy birthday, Dad!
Rob Petrie: Oh, thank you, Rich.
Ritchie Petrie: It cost me a fortunes.
Rob Petrie: I'll bet it did, and it's very sweet of you, Rich.
Ritchie Petrie: That's okay, Daddy. You're worth 89¢.

Rob Petrie: I would like to know is why you think you have to have your own private bank account.
Laura Petrie: Because I do, that's why.
Rob Petrie: All right then. The next logical question is what is wrong with the money in our joint account?
Laura Petrie: Well, that's our account and our money. This is my money.
Rob Petrie: YOUR money?
Laura Petrie: Yes, Rob. I want some money that's MINE to spend on anything I want. It's important to me. I don't want everything coming from you.
Rob Petrie: And where'd you get THIS money?
Laura Petrie: From you.
Rob Petrie: Well, isn't it all the same thing then? Either you get money from me or you get money from that which CAME from me.
Laura Petrie: No, Rob, it's completely different.
Rob Petrie: Oh...
Laura Petrie: I put this money in a little at a time. At first, it's from you, but then, after it lies around a while, I forget it came from you and then it's from me!
[Rob gives Laura a funny look]
Laura Petrie: Oh, you just don't understand!

Rob Petrie: You want some money of your own. What I don't understand is why!
Laura Petrie: That's it! That's exactly it!
Rob Petrie: What's it?
Laura Petrie: You just don't understand!
[Laura cries]
Rob Petrie: Oh, boy. Honey, look, I want to understand, but you've got to help me a little bit. Now, just give me a hint.
[Laura sobs]
Rob Petrie: The first word.
[Laura sobs again]
Rob Petrie: The first letter.
[and again]
Rob Petrie: Honey, please!
Laura Petrie: All right, I'll tell you. And then I hope you'll be satisfied that you just ruined everything! That money is for you!
Rob Petrie: Uh... for me?
Laura Petrie: I wanted to buy you something for your birthday.
Rob Petrie: Well, you... you already bought me something for my birthday. Don't tell me that shirt...
Laura Petrie: Oh, no, Rob, this money isn't for now. It's... it's for two or three or four years from now - whenever I saved up enough money to buy you that stupid sports car you've been drooling over.
Rob Petrie: Sports car?
Laura Petrie: Yes, that silly XKG JFK 400 Roadster... with matching luggage.
[cries louder than ever and falls onto bed]

Jerry Helper: Hey, it's a bank book.
Rob Petrie: [reading] "Mrs. Laura Petrie." Isn't that cute? She got a little nest egg of her own.
Jerry Helper: Cute. You, uh... you really think that's cute, huh?
Rob Petrie: Well, so she has a few dollars in a little private bank account. How much could it be?
Jerry Helper: Okay, okay. How much?
Rob Petrie: Well, I don't even have to look. It can't be more than just a little pittance. $378.
Jerry Helper: A LITTLE pittance?
Rob Petrie: So, she has a big pittance. It's her pittance. Look, maybe she's just setting aside a little for a rainy day.
Jerry Helper: $378? Boy, that's enough for the monsoon season.
Rob Petrie: Oh, come on. Now a lot of wives put aside a little for a rainy day. What's wrong with that?
Jerry Helper: Well, nothin', but why is the money just in her name? I mean, uh, listen, if it rains, doesn't she care if you get wet?

[Buddy and Sally denote Rob's preoccupation over Laura's secret bank book]
Rob Petrie: You know, you guys are jokin' but there's one aspect of this whole silly thing that intrigues me.
Sally Rogers: You mean the... the fact that Laura's keeping a secret from you?
Rob Petrie: No, that doesn't bother me. It's just the fact that she's keeping it a secret from me. THAT bothers me.
Buddy Sorrell: [testing the depths of Rob's preoccupation] Doesn't the fact that she's keeping it a secret bother ya?
Rob Petrie: No, I don't worry about things like that.
Sally Rogers: If I were you, I'd worry about my hearing, Fred.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Odd But True (#5.8)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: They got a picture.
Rob Petrie: A picture? What of?
Laura Petrie: The Liberty Bell.
Rob Petrie: The famous one?
Laura Petrie: A dead ringer.

Millie Helper: [reading] "In India, a prince has a tree in his backyard that cries."
Laura Petrie: Well, that's ODD, I guess.
Millie Helper: But TRUE.
Rob Petrie: And sad. It's-it's hard to cheer up a tree.

Rob Petrie: Hi, gang.
Sally Rogers: Well, there he is, the fabulous Mr. Freckle.
Rob Petrie: No more back talk, please.

Rob Petrie: [in regards to submitting his back to Odd But True] You guys think I ought to do this?
Buddy Sorrell: Gee, I'd do it, but my wife, Pickles, is kind of odd, but she's too odd to be true.

Rob Petrie: Honey, you smeared my place of birth.

[an applicant enters the Odd But True office claiming to have walked all the way from Buffalo, New York, on his hands]
Rob Petrie: You think he actually walked all the way.
Laura Petrie: I don't know. I'd like to know how he opened the door.

[last lines]
Rob Petrie: Well, Millie, we found an even better Odd But True.
Millie Helper: Oh, another one? You DID? You're kidding. Can I share in it?
Laura Petrie: Yeah. Yeah, you can, but Rob and I are gonna be the submitters.
Millie Helper: Oh, I don't care, I don't care. What is it?
Rob Petrie: Well, we found a woman right here in New Rochelle who nobody talked to for the rest of her life.
Millie Helper: WOW! Who is she? Hey, where'd you find her? Did you tell them about her? Rob! Laura! Laura, why don't you answer me?
[Millie realizes it's her]


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Stretch Petrie vs. Kid Schenk (#4.14)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [after Ritchie leaves] He spells better than you do.
Laura Petrie: And why not? He's my S-U-N.

Rob Petrie: [reading a note] "In one minute your telephone will ring."
Laura Petrie: Well, what a crazy note. I wonder who it is.
[telephone rings]
Rob Petrie: Let's ask.

Rob Petrie: Listen, how's your wife?
Neil Schenk: Oh, ex-wife. I blew another one.
Rob Petrie: Gee, I'm sorry.
Neil Schenk: Oh, don't be. You know, I do such a volume business, the judge gives me group alimony.

[Neil moves his dinner party to a better table]
Rob Petrie: The sign says reserved.
Neil Schenk: I know.
[pointing over the door]
Neil Schenk: That one says "exit" but are we leaving?

Rob Petrie: Well, I'll never forget it, Neil.
Neil Schenk: Oh, would I let you?
Rob Petrie: [laughs nervously] I doubt it.

Rob Petrie: Who's George Crenshaw?
Bill Sampson: Oh, he's my Neil Schenk.

Rob Petrie: We're sitting here knocking Neil so much I'm beginning to feel guilty about him now.
Buddy Sorrell: Ah, don't feel so bad. I love Pickles, but if somebody asked me if she'd make a good wife I would have to say no.
Sally Rogers: Buddy, you shouldn't talk like that. You know, if I were your wife...
Buddy Sorrell: Call her, maybe we can make a deal.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Your Home Sweet Home Is My Home (#4.25)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: I don't want a rock in my basement.
Laura Petrie: Why? It's not doing anything.

Rob Petrie: Tomorrow we will find the house we want or I will have the baby for you.
Laura Petrie: I'll hold you to that.
Rob Petrie: I'll find a house.

Rob Petrie: Remember how long it took us to find THIS house.
Laura Petrie: One day.
Rob Petrie: Oh. Well, see? One day we'll find another one.

Laura Petrie: Oh... oh, Rob, ask him if it has a service porch.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Uh, does it have a service porch?
Millie Helper: Are the colors the same?
Rob Petrie: [into the phone] Are, uh... are the, uh, colors the same?
Rob Petrie: [to Laura and Millie] Uh, yes and no.
Laura Petrie: Uh, yes to who?
Rob Petrie: Yes to you?
Millie Helper: What to me?
Rob Petrie: No.
Millie Helper: I forgot what I asked.
Jerry Helper: The colors.
Millie Helper: Oh, yeah. Are the colors the same?
Jerry Helper: No!
Millie Helper: How do YOU know?
Jerry Helper: He just told ya.

Laura Petrie: Oh, ask him how many closets in the master bedroom.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, and any storage closets in the basement.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Okay. How many closets in the master? Are there any storage closets in the basement?
Millie Helper: How many baths?
Rob Petrie: Uh, none?
Millie Helper: No baths?
Rob Petrie: [to Millie] No storage closet. I didn't ask him yours yet.
[back into the phone]
Rob Petrie: How many bathrooms? Uh, okay.
[to the group]
Rob Petrie: One walk-in...
Millie Helper: What is THAT?
Rob Petrie: Closets in the bedroom. Let's wait your turn.
Jerry Helper: Yeah, with one bathroom, you have to.

Rob Petrie: Look, no matter what he said, we want both of those houses, right? If there was no fireplace, no trees, and then there was... surrounded by a pig farm.
Millie Helper, Laura Petrie: Right.
Jerry Helper: [simultaneously] Right, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Let's close the deal.
Millie Helper: I don't know about the pig farm.
Jerry Helper: There's no pig farm.
Millie Helper: Well he just said...
Rob Petrie: No, the pigs are a symbol of our friendship.

Rob Petrie: I ought to be able to get a better friend than Jerry for $300.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Stole My Watch (#5.15)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: Would you tell me why in the world Buddy gave you a samurai sword?
Rob Petrie: Honey, Buddy shops at the war surplus store. It was either this or green underwear.

Rob Petrie: Well, I'm sorry, Buddy. The minute I missed my watch, I thought of you.
Buddy Sorrell: That's funny. The minute I miss my bus, I don't think of YOU.

Rob Petrie: Yeah, we can't find it. We turned that house inside out.
Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I hope it don't rain.

Mr. Evans: You know, this reminds me of a case I once handled where a woman had purchased some luggage for her husband at a discount house. They reported it stolen and tried to collect the full retail price.
Rob Petrie: So?
Mr. Evans: So it turned out it wasn't really stolen, but we got the real truth out of them after a while.
Rob Petrie: Uh, Mr. Evans, why would this remind you of that?
Mr. Evans: I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Rob Petrie: Millie, uh, could I speak to Laura a minute, please?
Millie Helper: Well, of course. You can't very well talk behind my back to my face, can you?

Rob Petrie: You know, I'm... I'm beginning to get a little angry.
Laura Petrie: So am I. Millie and Jerry certainly ought to know we don't suspect them.
Rob Petrie: Well, Buddy and Sally and Mel should know we don't suspect them. They also should know we don't think they took it.
Laura Petrie: Then who took it?
Rob Petrie: I don't know, but one of 'em did.

Rob Petrie: [at dinner] This is good, whatever it is.
Laura Petrie: Told you, chicken paprikash. Laslo at the garage gave me the recipe.
Rob Petrie: Mm. No wonder it tastes greasy.
Laura Petrie: Rob. I'm the last friend you've got. Don't push me.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Boarder Incident (#1.21)" (1962)
[Rob is taking Buddy home to spend the night in Pickles' absence, against Sally's worry that they won't get along well]
Sally Rogers: All right. All right. I now pronounce you man and guest, but remember one thing: John Wilkes Booth once shared a room with Lincoln.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, he did not.
Sally Rogers: I know, but I hate to lose an argument.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What're you doin' here so early?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I wanted to be first in line for the water cooler.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Buddy, either you've got your pajamas on under your suit or you've got the longest pair of shorts I ever saw.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I miss my wife.
Sally Rogers: Aw.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Go ahead and laugh. It's funny.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: We've not laughin'.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, Buddy, you know we never laugh at anything you say.

Laura Petrie: Dinner's almost ready, and in honor of your visit I made a cake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, thanks a lot, Laura, but I'm not allowed to eat fried food.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Fried? You don't fry a cake.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: No kiddin'. Wait'll my wife hears about this.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I just don't think I should live at your house anymore.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, you've been wonderful but, let's face it, you and... and Laura aren't the two easiest people in the world to get along with.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Where you been, Sal?
Sally Rogers: Well, where would I be at this hour? I was window shopping at the YMCA.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Vigilante Ripped My Sports Coat (#4.4)" (1964)
Sally Rogers: [examining Rob's sports coat] Hey, how d'you rip the pocket?
Rob Petrie: I didn't rip the pocket.
Sally Rogers: What happened? D'your handkerchief explode?
Rob Petrie: No, my neighbor did.

Rob Petrie: [explaining why he and Jerry aren't speaking to each other] Because we believe in diametrically opposed ideologies.
Sally Rogers: Oh, he believes in ripping up your jacket and you just don't like that.
Rob Petrie: No. No, I-I believe in constitutional government. That guy believes in... in mob rule.

Rob Petrie: [giving reason for sending the Helpers a dinner invitation] If people are gonna live together peacefully, we've got to keep the lines of communication open.
Laura Petrie: Well, then, darling, why don't you CALL Jerry and invite him?
Rob Petrie: 'Cause I don't wanna talk to that rat.

Mel Cooley: [to Rob] Oh, by the way, Alan wants to see you in his office right away. He needs some big jokes for the monologue.
Buddy Sorrell: Why don't YOU volunteer. You're the biggest joke around here.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, enough already.
Mel Cooley: No, no, let him go. Let him go. The-the more he says, the closer he comes to a cauliflower nose.

Ritchie Petrie: You gonna get a sitter for me?
Laura Petrie: Yes, dear. I've called Billy and he's gonna come over.
Ritchie Petrie: He can teach me how to belch.
Laura Petrie: Ritchie!
Ritchie Petrie: He can do it any time he wants.
Laura Petrie: Rob, please speak to him, please.
[Laura exits]
Rob Petrie: Uh - heh-heh - Ritch, that's, uh, not a very polite thing.
Ritchie Petrie: Billy says that in China, if you don't burp after a meal, they think you hatred the dinner.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, but we're not in China now.
Ritchie Petrie: Well, maybe someday we'll go, and I wanna be polite.

Laura Petrie: Now wait a minute. I don't know what's been going on here, but I would like to say a few things.
Rob Petrie: Watch it. You'll get a breadstick up your nose.

Laura Petrie: [angrily] I think you two ought to know something. Rob was against sending that invitation to you but I insisted, and now I'm sorry I sent it.
Millie Helper: You're sorry ya sent it?
Laura Petrie: You don't know how sorry I am. I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done.
Jerry Helper: Then you, uh... you DO think it was a stupid thing?
Laura Petrie: [near tears] Well, let's just say this, Jerry - I will never send you another one like it, and you can bet on that.
Jerry Helper: You MEAN that?
Rob Petrie: [through grit teeth] Oh-h-h, you BET she means it.
Jerry Helper: [greatly relieved] Well, okay.
Rob Petrie: Okay, what?
Jerry Helper: We accept your apology.
Laura Petrie: You accept our...?
Millie Helper: Yes, and... we... forgive you.
Rob Petrie: You forgive US?
Millie Helper: [happily] You bet we do.
Jerry Helper: Uh, well, uh, we were both being very stubborn, and I'm happy to see that you took a first step to clear the air.
Rob Petrie: [thoroughly perplexed] Now wait a minute. Wait just a minute, Jerry. There's a misunderstanding here...
Laura Petrie: [cautiously] There certainly is, darling, and I think it's the kind of misunderstanding we should try very hard NOT to clear up for a little while.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Do Not Choose to Run (#5.16)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Boy, I knew it was going to be a rotten day when I cut my toe shaving this morning!

Laura Petrie: Well, Mr. Howard, we shop at your... no, we, uh, bank at you bank.
Rob Petrie: Oh, incidentally, how do you like the way we decorated your mortgage?

Rob Petrie: Me? I don't know. I'm not a politician.
John Gerber: Well, we don't want a politician. What we want is a bright, able, personable young man.
Rob Petrie: Well, that's what I said, "Why me?"

[Rob enjoys the idea of being called Councilman Petrie]
Laura Petrie: Hey, if you're city councilman, what'll they call me?
Rob Petrie: Probably Laura.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
Rob Petrie: You can say THAT again.

Sally Rogers: Hey, Rob, look, if you're lookin' for a good excuse for not running...
Rob Petrie: I'm not looking for an excuse.
Sally Rogers: ...I've got it.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, come on, what is it?
Sally Rogers: Tell 'em you're gettin' married.
Rob Petrie: I'm already married.
Sally Rogers: Right! Nobody likes a scandal.

Buddy Sorrell: Rob, you want my advice?
Rob Petrie: No.
Buddy Sorrell: Good decision. Now while you're in the mood, make another one.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Body and Sol (#5.11)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: The world is not ready for a bald Tarzan.

Rob Petrie: [to Sally] Who'd you meet at lunch?
Buddy Sorrell: [interjecting a name] Paul Tinkelman!
Sally Rogers: Who?
Buddy Sorrell: I guess you didn't meet him.

Sally Rogers: I met a very dear friend of yours, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Who?
Buddy Sorrell: Male or female?
Sally Rogers: Male. Very, very male.
Buddy Sorrell: Very, very male and he's married.
Sally Rogers: Yeah. How'd you know he was married?
Buddy Sorrell: Because if he was very, very male and very single, you'd still be eatin' lunch.

Rob Petrie: Everybody in the Army had to fight three fights.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, that's right. The Germans, the Japanese and the Italians.

Sol Pomerantz: [to Laura] Well, he can't take you on a picnic this Sunday. He's going to be fighting.
Sol Pomerantz: [to Rob] What're you doin' Sunday, Rob?
Laura Petrie: Rob?
Sol Pomerantz: Champ.
Laura Petrie: Darling.
Rob Petrie: Well, um... uh... Well, on a... on a... going on a picnic. Or I'm gonna fight.
Laura Petrie: Which?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... Whatever I decide, I'm gonna be fightin' with SOMEBODY. I can see THAT.

Rob Petrie: You know something, Laura? You're no Lilli Palmer.

Rob Petrie: There's not a Lilli Palmer among ya.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Attempted Marriage (#2.3)" (1962)
Ritchie Petrie: [notices Rob and Laura kissing while watching home movies of their wedding] Boy, you two sure kiss a lot! Show me that again, Daddy.
Rob Petrie: Okay.
[they start kissing again]
Ritchie Petrie: Not that - that!
[points to the movie screen]

Rob Petrie: [reading the inscription engraved upon a silver platter] It says, "To Sergeant Petrie, Good luck and happiness on your marriage." Where'd you find this, Rich?
Ritchie Petrie: In the basement.
Laura Petrie: There's more, darling.
Rob Petrie: [bemused] I know there's more. "To Laura, In case he backs out again, you can marry us - Company E, 35th Battalion, Camp Crowder, Missouri."

Laura Petrie: [noticing Rob's agitation] Rob, are you all right?
Rob Petrie: [nervous] Oh, yeah. I'm fine. It's just that... it's awful cold out tonight.
Laura Petrie: Cold? It must be eighty degrees.
Rob Petrie: Is it?
[checks his watch for confirmation]

Laura Petrie: I think you've caught a cold. You're shivering.
Rob Petrie: Well, It's... a family trait. All the male members of my family shiver when they're... about to propose marriage.
Laura Petrie: Is that what you're about to do?
Rob Petrie: Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Laura, will you marry me?
Laura Petrie: You want me to marry you?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, very much.
Laura Petrie: [starting to shiver] Oh.
Rob Petrie: But... YOU'RE shivering.
Laura Petrie: Well, all the female members of my family react this when they accept marriage proposals.

Laura Petrie: Oh, just think, next Sunday I'll be Mrs. Robert Petrie.
Rob Petrie: [nervously] Yeah... Sunday. Are you scared?
Laura Petrie: No.
Rob Petrie: So am I.

Rob Petrie: I hate to see you cry like this.
Laura Petrie: Well, it's the only way I know how to cry.

[Rob tries to get through his second planned wedding date but his ears are stuffed up from a severe cold, making it impossible to hear anything]
Chaplain Berger: Robert Petrie, would thou have this woman to be thy wife, to love and to cherish, in sickness...
Rob Petrie: [happily] I do.
[Chaplain shakes head]
Rob Petrie: [confused] I... I don't?
Chaplain Berger: ...in sickness and in health, until death do you part?
[Rob doesn't realize it's his cue but begins to notice others staring at him]
Rob Petrie: Uh, I do.
Chaplain Berger: And do you, Laura, take this man to love and to cherish in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Laura Petrie: [looking at Rob] I do.
Rob Petrie: [thinking he's being cued] Uh, I do.
[Chaplain shakes head]
Rob Petrie: [confused] I... I don't?
Chaplain Berger: There be anyone present who knows why these two should not be joined in lawful wedlock, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Rob Petrie: [happily and confidently thinking it's his cue] I do.
[Chaplain slams his Holy Bible shut]


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Uncle George (#3.8)" (1963)
[Rob and Buddy and Sally try to think of where they could find an elderly lady for Rob's widowed Uncle George to settle down with]
Rob Petrie: What about your Aunt Agnes?
Sally Rogers: Oh, no. You know what Aunt Agnes says about men.
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: "Man is like the drifting snow. It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door, and before long you can't get out of the house."

Laura Petrie: Well, one big breakfast coming up.
Rob Petrie: Uh, bad choice of words, Honey.

Uncle George: I'll bet you know a million women.
[Laura clears throat]
Rob Petrie: Well, uh... I, uh, know a few.
Uncle George: Well, wrap one up to go and bring her home tonight.
Rob Petrie: Uncle George, I just can't run out and grab a woman...
Uncle George: Now, listen, Robbie. When you were a little boy, did I ever deny you anything?
Rob Petrie: Well, no, not that I...
Uncle George: Ice cream, lollipops, anything you ever wanted?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, yeah...
Uncle George: Well... bring me a woman.

Rob Petrie: Herman, I wanna give you this straight: we brought your mother here to introduce her to a man.
Herman Glimscher: A man?
Sally Rogers: Mm.
Herman Glimscher: Who?
Laura Petrie: Well, it's Rob's Uncle George. He's visiting here form Danville and he wanted to meet some nice lady.
Sally Rogers: And we couldn't find any, so we invited your mother.

Herman Glimscher: Please, please, keep your voices down.
Rob Petrie: Are we shouting?
Herman Glimscher: No, but Mother's got marvelous ears. She hears everything.
Sally Rogers: Mm, I think she's got transistors in her teeth.

Rob Petrie: Boy I wish I was one of those Danish doctors.
Laura Petrie: How would THAT help?
Rob Petrie: Well, it wouldn't, except I'd be in Denmark.

Rob Petrie: D'you think Mrs. Glimscher would like a mustache?
Sally Rogers: No, I don't think so. She keeps shaving hers off.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Case of the Pillow (#4.21)" (1965)
Judge: Then will you present your case to the court, please, and keeping in mind that we have a very busy calendar.
Rob Petrie: [trying to impress with a lawyer-like manner] Thank you, Honor. I'm fully aware of your busy calendar, and I will attempt at ALL times to be as brief and concise and succinct as I possibly can. And now I would like to give my opening statement, if it so please the court.

Laura Petrie: We've had eiderdown pillows before. They never smelled like this.
Rob Petrie: Yeah? Well, the duck who got rid of these to make a pillow must be the happiest duck in the world.

Rob Petrie: Well, now, Mrs. Petrie, the defendant has already admitted that you telephoned him complaining about the chicken-smelling pillows. Now, would you now, to the best of your recollection and in your own words, tell us what transpired and ensued during that telephone call - keeping in mind at all times that you are under oath?
[Laura looks lost]
Judge: [paraphrasing] Just tell what happened on the phone.
Laura Petrie: Oh.

Laura Petrie: Rob, I don't care what he says. I smell chickens.
Rob Petrie: I think I smell a rat.

Rob Petrie: Well, uh, Your Honor, would... would the introduction of an indi... indication of misrepresentation be a substantiation?
Judge: Of what?
Rob Petrie: Well, I'm... uh... of my... my case.
Judge: Now, if you can prove misrepresentation, it may.
Rob Petrie: May what?
Judge: What you said before.
Rob Petrie: Oh! Oh! Oh, thank you, Honor. That's wonderful!

Rob Petrie: I now submit, Your Honor, my most damaging piece of evidence - Exhibit I.
Judge: Mr. Petrie, is it your intention to run through the entire alphabet?

[last lines]
Rob Petrie: [seeing that Laura has now purchased blankets from Mr. Wiley] What if those are faulty?
Laura Petrie: There's no problem. None whatsoever. He gave us a guarantee.
Rob Petrie: What kind of a guarantee?
Laura Petrie: He said that if anything goes wrong with these blankets that you can always take him to court and beat him again.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Impractical Joke (#4.16)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: [shouting] I THINK I MUST HAVE BROKEN SOMETHING...!
[no longer shouting]
Rob Petrie: Oh, I think I broke my spleen.

Laura Petrie: [entering to find Rob blowing on the bottom of their telephone] What are you doing now?
Rob Petrie: Uh, blowing on the phone, honey.

Rob Petrie: What're you laughin' at?
Laura Petrie: I just got a picture of you standing on the lawn screaming like a chicken.

Buddy Sorrell: Come on, let's be fair. If I know something's coming, I'll worry, but if I don't know, I'll go nuts.
Rob Petrie: [smiling, with a smirk] Oh?
Sally Rogers: Congratulations! General Custer. You just sold some guns to the Indians.

Rob Petrie: In the meantime, would you try to convince Mr. Fear here he has nothing to fear but himself.

Rob Petrie: [limping] Oh, he got on the elevator and I busted my leg on a lady.

[Buddy Sorrell asks Phil Franklin to call Rob Petrie's telephone number, to start a prank phone call. After Phil calls Rob answers, but asks the caller to stay on hold, temporarily]
Phil Franklin: Is this New Rochelle-6-9970?
Rob Petrie: Yes. Who is this?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Man's Teeth Are Not His Own (#2.13)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: How do you figure that you're the best dentist in the whole world?
Jerry Helper: Simple logic. I consider you one of the smartest and brightest people in the world.
Rob Petrie: Oh, thank you, kindly.
Jerry Helper: And who does your dental work?
Rob Petrie: You do.
Jerry Helper: See?

Rob Petrie: Boy, somebody once said, "The man's home may be his castle but very often his teeth are not his own."

[Finally meeting Jerry after avoiding him for a week, Rob wants to keep the conversation serious so he won't smile and show Jerry his teeth]
Jerry Helper: Hey, Rob, I'm glad the girls are gone. I heard a couple jokes at the convention I gotta tell ya. Come on, sit down.
Rob Petrie: Uh... Jer... I'd... d'I'd... I don't think we ought to be telling any jokes right about... Hadn't you been reading the papers?
Jerry Helper: What, what?
Rob Petrie: Well, there's a lot of... FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.
Jerry Helper: Where?
Rob Petrie: Well, it's around. A lot of it's going around, Jer.

Rob Petrie: [comparing Dr. Helper to Dr. Bardhoffen] Jerry's a good dentist. I have nothing against his work at all. That's the difference, you see: One of 'em is a worker, the other one is an artist.

Rob Petrie: I know he'll understand about the emergency but I'm just wondering if he's going to understand about this other one.
Laura Petrie: What other one?
Rob Petrie: [pointing to another tooth] That one.
Laura Petrie: Did he do that too?
Rob Petrie: Yeah. It needed doing but I could easily have waited for Jerry.
Laura Petrie: Well, why didn't you?
Rob Petrie: Well, I don't know. I was sittin' there in the chair with my big mouth open, I thought I might as well let him drill away.

Laura Petrie: Look, Jerry's been back in town for a week now. You can't avoid him forever.
Rob Petrie: Who's tryin' to avoid him forever? I'm simply trying to avoid him long enough so I can figure out a way to tell 'im about those strange inlays on HIS back molars.
Laura Petrie: Darling, those are YOUR back molars.
Rob Petrie: According to Jerry, my teeth are his teeth.

Jerry Helper: Ordinarily you're a very smiley guy. I haven't seen you smile once since I came in.
Rob Petrie: Well, J-Jerry, uh, b'yah, it's the... it's FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Pink Pills and Purple Parents (#4.10)" (1964)
[Rob prevents Sally from taking one of Buddy's prescription pills]
Rob Petrie: Well, what-what could cure pain for one person can do some weird things to somebody else.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah? What kind of weird things?
Sally Rogers: Well, for one, I could look like you.

Rob Petrie: Look, it's just my parents. It's not royalty. All you have to do is, uh, bow gracefully and stable their white horses.

Laura Petrie: [panicking over an impending, first-time visit from Rob's parents] What am I gonna serve them?
Rob Petrie: Oh, that IS a problem. Maybe I can steal a loaf of bread somewhere.

Rob Petrie: [introducing his mother to Laura] Mrs. Petrie, meet, uh, Mrs. Petrie. You're both named Mrs. Petrie.
Rob Petrie: [laughs but then notes his mother's stern expression] Face it, Mom.

Sam Petrie: So this is Laura. We finally get to meet her. I just couldn't wait to meet you.
Clara Petrie: Well, of course, we thought we would meet you at the wedding, but, uh, none of the parents were invited, were they?
Rob Petrie: Don't... don't start that.
Clara Petrie: I'm-I'm sorry. It's not the first wedding or the last wedding that I won't be invited to.

[Laura says she felt a little dizzy]
Clara Petrie: Dizzy? Laura, you're not...
Rob Petrie: Oh, well, no, Mom. Honey, you're, uh... you're not, are you?
Laura Petrie: No, I'm not!
Rob Petrie: She's not.
Sam Petrie: Not what?
Clara Petrie: Oh, Sam. Grow up.
Sam Petrie: Oh, THAT'S what she's not.

Rob Petrie: Laura, what is the MATTER with you?
Laura Petrie: I'm looking for the spoon.
Rob Petrie: It's in your hand.
Laura Petrie: Gee, isn't it funny how it's always the last place you look?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Scratch My Car and Die (#3.26)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Will you look at that shaft of moonlight shining on our Tarantula?

Laura Petrie: Do you notice you're a nut?
Rob Petrie: Only about things automotive. I'll outgrow it all right.
Laura Petrie: When?
Rob Petrie: Well, I don't know. When I get a new helicopter, I guess.

Rob Petrie: What's the sense of having a new car if you can't have your best friends envious of you?

Rob Petrie: You know what the great thing about this car is?
Laura Petrie: That you can't bring it into the house.

Buddy Sorrell: You let Laura drive your new bedbug?
Sally Rogers: Tarantella.
Rob Petrie: Tarantula.
Sally Rogers: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Rob Petrie: People should not be allowed to go around scratching heavily-financed Tarantulas.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who Owes Who What? (#1.18)" (1962)
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Rob Petrie: Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Sally!
Sally Rogers: Mel!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Rob Petrie: Sally!
Sally Rogers: Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Go ahead, Curly. It's your turn. Say "Rob."
Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [applauding drolly, overlapping Sally's line] Beautiful.
Sally Rogers: [applauding drolly, overlapping Buddy's line] Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Sally Rogers: I met him.
Rob Petrie: Ya met who?
Sally Rogers: Buddy's wife's cousin.
Rob Petrie: What was he like?
Sally Rogers: Well, d'y'ever see "The Untouchables"?
Rob Petrie: Yeah?
Sally Rogers: He's more like one of the "unbearables".

Rob Petrie: I'm positive I think I'm sure.
Laura Petrie: Rob, are you sure you're positive or do you just imagine you're positive?
Rob Petrie: I'm positive I'm positive!

Rob Petrie: Well, women are built different than men.
Laura Petrie: Yes, I've heard that.

Rob Petrie: Oh, you "know" me, do you? Well, it just so happens that you don't know me as well as I know me because I'm with myself almost constantly.

Rob Petrie: Do you think a marshmallow could go without eating for a week without a haircut?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Alan Brady Show Goes to Jail (#4.8)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Incidentally, Lyle, what kind of an audience are these guys?
Lyle Delp: Captive - the best audience in the world.

Lyle Delp: Well, ya see, uh... we-we haven't had a show here in several months, eh-heh.
Buddy Sorrell: Gee, I thought you had one every week.
Lyle Delp: Well, we... we do, you see, but, uh, the warden had to postpone the last one, uh, because of the riot.
Rob Petrie: The riot?
Lyle Delp: Well, eh-heh, it wasn't exactly a riot. It was sort of a... a difference of opinion, eh-heh... with injuries.

Rob Petrie: [mistaken for a prisoner] How can I make you understand that I'm not a... I got it!
Rob Petrie: [indicating the inmate number on his shirt] L-look-look at that. Guard, look at that number. Look! Check me in the files. You won't find me there. That is an unlisted number!

Rob Petrie: [locked up with prisoners who won't back him up] You're gonna get in trouble.
Harry Tinker: [mockingly] Hey. Yeah, you know, they might put us in jail.

Rob Petrie: Wait a minute. You mean y-you want me to entertain here?
Boxer Morrison: Why, sure. You guys on TV is always saying "Thanks for letting us into your living room." Well, we're letting you into OUR livin' room.
Harry Tinker: And we ain't going to let you out.

Rob Petrie: Is this the underwear of a criminal?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Man from 'Emperor' (#4.5)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Do you guys think it would hurt my reputation any to be associated with this magazine?
Sally Rogers: Well, depends on how good you look in a bikini.

Rob Petrie: You know, the funny thing about that guy is that during college we all felt sorry for him. He was a bookworm, one of those real loners. I don't think the guy had a date through the whole four years.
Sally Rogers: He was savin' it up.
Rob Petrie: You know, I don't think he does half the things they print about him.
Sally Rogers: Well, I don't think they print half the stuff he does.

Rob Petrie: Hey, I just called to see if you started dinner yet.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Rob Petrie: Well, uh, uh, Drew Patton's here and he wanted to discuss that deal I told you about.
Laura Petrie: Oh? Well, I thought you decided you didn't want to have anything to do with that magazine.
Rob Petrie: No, honey, that was YOU who didn't.

Rob Petrie: Well, Drew, haven't you ever found a girl you'd like to settle down with?
Drew Patton: Oh, Rob, every day of my life.
Laura Petrie: Well, then, how come you've never married one of them?
Drew Patton: Because if I did, every husband in America would be upset.

Drew Patton: Every guy in America gets vicarious kicks out of the way I live.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I see what you mean.
Laura Petrie: You do?
Rob Petrie: Yeah.
Laura Petrie: You gets vicarious kicks out of the way he lives?
Rob Petrie: Oh, I, no, I... I'm... I see... I see what... what he... means about them, honey, but I... guys, you know, who like that kind of... of a thing.
Drew Patton: Uh, do you, uh... do you believe him, Laura?
Laura Petrie: Oh course I believe him. Rob's never given me any reason not to.
Drew Patton: If Rob says that, uh, he doesn't envy the kind of life that I lead, he's one of two things. He's either, um, a liar or he's, uh, scared.
Laura Petrie: No, I don't think he's either one of those things.
Drew Patton: Oh, in that case, he's dead.

Drew Patton: Every guy - EVERY GUY - envies the kind of life I lead. Can you deny that, Rob?
Laura Petrie: Rob aren't you going to deny that?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, huh, right, um, right after dinner.
Drew Patton: Why, uh, why after dinner?
Rob Petrie: Well, I'd... I'd like to deny it in such a way that I don't make Laura mad, and I, uh, save a little self-respect for myself, and Drew doesn't think I'm a sissy.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Teacher's Petrie (#3.32)" (1964)
[Rob suspects people of being nice to Laura and Ritchie in order to get to him]
Rob Petrie: First they start out being nice to you, and then all of a sudden they ask me if I'll give a lecture or write a play or collaborate on something.
Laura Petrie: All right, name one person who ever did that. I bet you can't name one.
Rob Petrie: The Chairman of the Parents' Council, Mrs. something-or-other. And the... the vice-president of the bank, honey. He kept giving you extra pens, and he finally asked me to write him an act.
Laura Petrie: Uh-huh.
Rob Petrie: And who... who was it from the...?
Laura Petrie: See? Ya can't name ANY of 'em.

Ritchie Petrie: [told to go to bed] Should I shut the door so I don't hear the fight?
Rob Petrie: There's no fight, Rich. Go to bed.
Laura Petrie: And shut the door.

Laura Petrie: You wouldn't let Buddy and Sally read this, would you?
Rob Petrie: D'you want Buddy and Sally's opinion?
Laura Petrie: I would LOVE it. They are honest, intelligent people. They haven't got any axes to grind. At least they'd be objective about it. I would WELCOME their opinion.
Rob Petrie: [accepting Laura's paper] Well, all right, but I'll tell you they're professional writers, just like me, and they're gonna admit that this is not very good.
Laura Petrie: [snatching her paper back] What do they know?

Rob Petrie: [after reading Laura's story] Whadda YOU think, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Well, there's something wrong with the beginning.
Rob Petrie: What?
Sally Rogers: It leads to the rest of it.

Rob Petrie: Look, I know what you've been trying to do with Laura. I just came down to tell you it's all right with me.
Laura Petrie: ROB! Darling, you don't know what you're saying.
Rob Petrie: Yes, I do, honey. Look, it's better than fighting.

Rob Petrie: [suspiciously] Uh-huh.
Laura Petrie: What "uh-huh?"
Rob Petrie: [with a smile] Oh, noth... nothin'.
Laura Petrie: Rob, that "nothing" was something.
Rob Petrie: Huh?
Laura Petrie: You never say "nothing" unless you mean "something."
Rob Petrie: Well, no, it was just a nothing "nothing," that's all.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: One Hundred Terrible Hours (#4.30)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: [regarding the radio station's $17 mystery contest and its latest clue - a rooster crowing] Who's the mystery person?
Rob Petrie: You're not eligible.
Laura Petrie: I know, Rob, but it's driving me crazy. Come on, I'm DYING to know. I promise I won't tell anybody. Who is it?
Rob Petrie: Napoleon.
Laura Petrie: Napoleon? Rob, what did he have to do with a rooster?
Rob Petrie: Honey, the Battle of Waterloo was fought early in the morning.
Laura Petrie: Yeah?
Rob Petrie: Well, you know. Roosters!
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, that's a ROTTEN clue. Nobody's ever gonna get it from that.
Rob Petrie: It's a great clue because the station doesn't want to pay the seventeen bucks anyway.

Rob Petrie: This is wide-awake Robbie baby boy, and I'm just fine 'cause I'm all yours and you're all mine, startin' out the first hour of what may be one of the most important hours in radio history - my death.

Rob Petrie: How about a little kiss for the hero?
Laura Petrie: [nervous as they're on display in a store window] Well, darling...
Rob Petrie: Oh.
[laughs]
Rob Petrie: S'all right, folks. We're married. Okay?
[to Laura]
Rob Petrie: Come on. Gimme a kiss.
Laura Petrie: No, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Honey, how many girls get the chance to be kissed in a window of Chamber's department store?
Laura Petrie: I just don't want to, Rob.
Rob Petrie: All right. I'll get my kiss when I get home.
Laura Petrie: You realize that could be four days from now?
Rob Petrie: You're right. I better take my kiss now.
[heads for Laura but gets yanked back by the headphones he still wears]

Rob Petrie: [reading a news release] "DJ Rob Petrie is past the halfway mark in his quest to break the stay-away record of, uh, one hundred hours set, eh, last week in Texas by the late D. Claybourn."
[taken aback by this]
Rob Petrie: [relocating his place] "... the, uh, late D Clayburn." Uh... "The late D. Claybourn lost his life in a hunting accident..." Whoo, thank goodness!

Rob Petrie: On the lighter side: "Local firemen were called out an hour ago to try and rescue a nine-week-old kitten stranded on top of a huge elm tree on Maple Street. So far, the frightened cat has eluded their grasp."
[suddenly overcome with emotion]
Rob Petrie: Poor little pussy-cat.

Laura Petrie: [about Alan Brady] He turned out to be a very nice man.
William Van Buren: Aw.
Rob Petrie: [to interviewer] You be sure you print that part.
Laura Petrie: Well, he paid for a room for us, and then the next day, instead of just a short interview, he spent the whole day with Rob and got a chance to find out just how brilliant he really is.
Rob Petrie: No, Alan's a slave driver. He realized any guy who could stay up for a hundred hours is valuable to have around.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Punch Thy Neighbor (#1.17)" (1962)
Alan Brady: [on TV] "The Alan Brady Show" is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production.
Millie Helper: Where did they get that name, Jeff-Greg-Barb-Lou-Ben-Ray-Polly?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids, Barb is his wife, Ben is his lawyer, Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager.
Jerry Helper: Who's Polly?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, that's his bird.

Officer Jack Bain: [believing Jerry Helper's low appraisal of the recent Alan Brady Show to be sincere] There aren't any laws to protect us from bad TV shows yet, so you're safe.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [at a low but growing boil] Thank you.
Officer Jack Bain: Well, thanks for the tickets, Mr. Petrie, and I, uh... I hope you come up with a good one next week.

Laura Petrie: Well, what happened?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, this waitress that I know there came over to the table and said she saw the show last night and she thought it was excellent. And that's when ol' Jer went to work.
Laura Petrie: What did he do?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: He started playing district attorney. He took the plates out of her hands, put 'em on the table, sat her down and cross-examined her. He said, "Well, young lady, tell me. You say you thought The Alan Brady Show last night was magnificent. I see. Now, tell me, did you see Ben Hur? Uh-huh. You did. What did you think of Ben Hur? Oh, magnificent you say? Would you say that The Alan Brady Show is as GOOD as Ben Hur? Oh, no? Well, would you say that... that The Alan Brady Show was HALF as good as Ben Hur? Oh, no? Ah, one quarter as good? No. One eighth as good? Ah-ha! One eighth, you say. Then I contend that one eighth of magnificent is rotten!"

Jerry Helper: What are you doing with those scissors?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What am I doing with those scissors? I was planning on cuttin' my throat with them, that's what!

Laura Petrie: Rob, are you all right?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pinned to the floor by Jerry] Oh! There's a... a pressing pain on my chest.
Jerry Helper: What's the pain feel like, boy?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Feels like a hundred eighty pound dentist sittin' on it.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How would you like it if I went around saying, uh, "Jerry Helper's gold fillings turn green in my mouth! He's a rotten dentist!"
Jerry Helper: Hey, be quiet, will ya? The door's open; I got three patients in this block!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm sorry.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [goes to the open door and shouts] Hey, everybody! Jerry Helper is a rotten dentist!
Jerry Helper: [rushing to close the door] HEY, CUT IT OUT!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: You Ought to Be in Pictures (#5.28)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: I offered to do a little punching up of the script.
Laura Petrie: Are you gonna be paid?
Rob Petrie: No.
Laura Petrie: Well, then the whole thing is more like a glorified home movie, huh?

Laura Petrie: Ah, Rob, I just think you ought to find out a little more about it before you commit yourself.
Rob Petrie: Well, I know everything.
Laura Petrie: When do you start?
Rob Petrie: Oh, I don't know.
Laura Petrie: You have to join a union?
Rob Petrie: G... I don't know.
Laura Petrie: How long is it gonna take?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... I don't know. I better find out more about this.

Laura Petrie: You have something terrible to tell me, don't you?
Rob Petrie: No.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I think you do.
Rob Petrie: Honey, that's a picture of the camera.
Laura Petrie: The what?
Rob Petrie: The... that's the... the... girl who's gonna play Rita Rivera.
Laura Petrie: And instead of the lens, you're gonna be kissing HER?
Rob Petrie: May I?

Rob Petrie: Honey, the reason I brought this home was to discover just how upset you'd be if I made love to her. Obv... you know... within the confines of my movie career.
Laura Petrie: Well, how upset do you THINK I should be... within the confines of your movie career?
Rob Petrie: Well, I'd... based on what you know about me, I'd say not at all; but, uh, based on what you've seen of her, I-I'd... quite a bit.

Rob Petrie: This is my wife, Laura.
Leslie Merkle: Oh, good casting.

Rob Petrie: Well, Mr. Merkle and I had little difference of opinion.
Laura Petrie: About what?
Rob Petrie: Well, I wanted to play the part MY way and he kept insisting I do it RIGHT.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Foul Weather Girl (#2.16)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Oh, Janey, this is our son, Ritchie.
Jane Leighton: Oh, he is darling.
Jane Leighton: [to Ritchie] Hi. You know, I hope someday I have a boy JUST like you.
Ritchie Petrie: And I hope I have a GIRL just like you.

Rob Petrie: You know, you sound exactly like one of those wives in a situation comedy.
Laura Petrie: I'm sorry, Rob. You're right. It... I don't think that you are interested in her. I'm sure you're not. I trust you. I realize that a handsome man like yourself is bound to attract a certain number of coquettish women, and I want you to know I understand this. And if Miss Leighton feels it's necessary to attempt a flirtation with you, I'm not going to be one of those screaming, nagging wives. I'll merely go up to her and quietly kill her. Dinner is ready.
Rob Petrie: Honey, come here.
[He hugs her but Laura stands rigidly]
Laura Petrie: My vegetables are burning!

[Out of nervousness, Rob grinds pepper into one of the cooking pots]
Laura Petrie: I was right. Little Janey IS a homewrecker.
Rob Petrie: What? A homewrecker? Why... Honey, what did she do?
Laura Petrie: [pouring out the cooking pot contents] Well, she started by ruining our chocolate pudding.

Sally Rogers: You mean she doesn't mind you spending your evenings...
Sally Rogers: [coughs] ... coaching.
Rob Petrie: Laura mind?
Rob Petrie: [chuckles] I'm lucky if she'll talk to me.

Rob Petrie: Now, come on, Honey. You know very well that Jane doesn't mean anything to me. I knew her in high school; I never could find anything about her that attracted or interested me.
Laura Petrie: [sarcastic] Aww. Well, maybe if you spend a little time with her and look hard enough, you'll find something.
Rob Petrie: Laura, she is an OLD FRIEND.
Laura Petrie: She carries her age beautifully.

Rob Petrie: [as he heads out to meet Jane] Honey, what will YOU do this evening?
Laura Petrie: Oh, slam doors, mumble, throw things. I'll keep busy. Good night, Mr. Ziegfeld!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Am My Brother's Keeper (#1.26)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Didn't it seem to you that Stacy was acting a little strangely?
Laura Petrie: No, he was acting like a fellow who was happy to see us. He was spirited, joyful and bubbly.
Rob Petrie: Right - three things that Stacy ordinarily is not, unless...
Laura Petrie: Unless what?
Rob Petrie: Well, honey, you're gonna find out sooner or later anyway. I might just as well tell you: My brother Stacy has a problem.

Rob Petrie: Stacy's a...
Laura Petrie: A what?
Rob Petrie: A somnambulist.
Laura Petrie: A somnambulist? A sleepwalker?
Rob Petrie: The best in the world.

Laura Petrie: How can you tell he's asleep?
Rob Petrie: Well, you notice Stace wasn't wearing his glasses?
Laura Petrie: So?
Rob Petrie: He always wears his glasses when he's awake. The only time he takes them off is when he's asleep. And you heard him call me Burford?
Laura Petrie: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: Well, when he's that way he calls everybody "Burford."

Rob Petrie: When he's awake he's very shy, very retiring, but when he's asleep he's friendly, outgoing.

Rob Petrie: Hey, it's gettin' late! Boy, we better attack those ribs before the gang gets here.
Stacey Petrie: What gang?
Rob Petrie: Oh, I invited a few of the neighbors and some of the guys from the office over. I thought you might like to meet 'em.
Stacey Petrie: Uh, gee, I'm a... a little tired, Rob. Will I have time to grab a nap first?
Laura Petrie: But, Stacey, you just had a nap.
Stacey Petrie: I-I get more rest when I'm awake than those kind of naps.

[after providing an outstanding, lively entertainment, Stacey falls completely asleep and Rob quiets everybody down]
Buddy Sorrell: [whispering] Hey, Rob? Is the party over?
Rob Petrie: [whispering] Yeah.
Buddy Sorrell: [whispering] I thought so.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Mother Can Beat Up My Father (#4.1)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: [seeing Rob in traction] Darling, does... does it hurt very much?
Rob Petrie: Only when I do ANYTHING.

Rob Petrie: I told you I didn't want to fight, but I think I'd better warn you. See, I'm a black belt karate expert, and these hands are registered with the police department as lethal weapons. Now, I'm obliged by law to tell you that first.

Laura Petrie: My, aren't YOU in a good mood?
Rob Petrie: No, I am... serene.
Laura Petrie: Oh? How many "serenes" did ya have?

Rob Petrie: [setting up to demonstrate his newly acquired judo knowledge on Ritchie's stuffed monkey] See, I'll be you and the monkey will be me.
Laura Petrie: Good casting.

Rob Petrie: You know, s-some of these guys had the nerve to come up to me today and say, "Well, I understand your wife can beat cha up,"
Laura Petrie: And what difference does it make?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, what difference... What DIFFERENCE does it MAKE?

Rob Petrie: Well, you heard about the thing, uh, with Laura the other night, didn't you?
Tony Daniels: Uh, yeah, yeah, I... h'yeah, yeah.
Rob Petrie: Well, to tell you the truth, I'm feeling... It's bothering me.
Tony Daniels: Yeah, I know. You-you've taken quite a ribbing, huh?
Rob Petrie: H'yeah, well, not only that, but the other night at the house, she threw me. Plow!
Tony Daniels: [amused, good-naturedly] You know...
Rob Petrie: I see you laughing.
Tony Daniels: [smiling] Well, well, what do you want me to do? You want me to go over to your house and rough her up?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Lady and the Tiger and the Lawyer (#3.16)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: You know what I think he's looking for?
Rob Petrie: What's that?
Laura Petrie: A wife.
Rob Petrie: Yeah? Whose?

Rob Petrie: Arthur, would you like a... glass of, uh, wine?
Arthur Stanwyck: Thank you. Thank you, Rob. I'd love one.
Rob Petrie: How 'bout you, Donna?
Donna Palmer: Oh, me too.
Rob Petrie: Okay.
Laura Petrie: [fawning] Ohh, well...
Rob Petrie: Oh, well what?
Laura Petrie: [fawning] They both love wine. Isn't that COMPATIBLE?

Donna Palmer: You... you like foreign films?
Arthur Stanwyck: I love 'em.
Donna Palmer: Don't you just hate subtitles?
Arthur Stanwyck: Oh, I despise 'em. They... they make me nauseous.
Donna Palmer: Oh, me too.
Rob Petrie: [mocking Laura's fawning] Aw, they both get nauseous.

Arthur Stanwyck: Did I say something to shock you?
Laura Petrie: Uh, no, why?
Arthur Stanwyck: Uh... you're... wiping the tray with the cake.
Rob Petrie: [laughing nervously] It's a... sponge cake.

Rob Petrie: But this guy, he's a golf-playin' lawyer who dances with a mustache.

Rob Petrie: D'you ever hear of anybody fallin' in love on second sight?
Laura Petrie: Oh, now that's just ridiculous.
Rob Petrie: Did you ever hear of anybody say "second come, first served?"


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where Did I Come From? (#1.15)" (1962)
[Laura's a relaxed mother-to-be but Rob's a frazzled father-to-be, expecting every second to be "the moment."]
Laura Petrie: I was just sighing.
Rob Petrie: Well, honey, at a time like this don't sigh unless you really mean it!
Laura Petrie: I'll try not to.

[Millie calls Laura but Rob, picking up the extension, thinks it's Laura calling from the hospital and having their baby]
Laura Petrie: Rob, will you listen to me for one moment? I am NOT in the hospital.
Rob Petrie: Oh... Where are ya, honey?
Laura Petrie: I'm in the kitchen.
Rob Petrie: In the kitchen? What are you doin' in the kitchen?
Laura Petrie: Boiling some water.
Rob Petrie: Boiling wa... Oh, my gosh! What a woman!

Rob Petrie: [tired] I didn't get much sleep last night.
Laura Petrie: Why not?
Rob Petrie: 'Cau'e I was watching you.
Laura Petrie: Why were you watching me?
Rob Petrie: Well, how... you know what a sound sleeper you are. I was afraid, something might happen, you'd sleep through it.

Millie Helper: You know what Jerry did for one full week before Ellen was born?
Laura Petrie: What?
Millie Helper: That fool slept with all his clothes on.
[Laura looks at Rob]
Rob Petrie: Well, where d'ya think I got the idea?

Rob Petrie: [going to the office] Bye, honey. I'll call you the minute anything happens.

Rob Petrie: What's their number?
Millie Helper: Whose?
Rob Petrie: ANYBODY'S.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: See Rob Write, Write Rob Write (#5.12)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: Wow, Rob, you really changed my whole story, didn't you?
Rob Petrie: No, not... not really.
Laura Petrie: Well, yeah, really. It's not at all like the one I wrote.

Rob Petrie: You don't have to write down to kids, honey. It's about time somebody wrote up to 'em.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, except you wrote around 'em, missed 'em completely. And I don't think you utilized any of the charm of the drawings.

Laura Petrie: Kids aren't gonna know what "morose" means.
Rob Petrie: Are you kidding? Kids'll know what that means.
Laura Petrie: No, darling. It's much too big a word.
Rob Petrie: Any kid... I'll bet you Ritchie knows what THAT means.
Laura Petrie: No, he doesn't.
Rob Petrie: Oh...
Rob Petrie: [calling outside to Ritchie] Hey, Ritchie. Come in here a minute, will ya?
Ritchie Petrie: Wait!
[Sound of toy machine gun fires outside]
Ritchie Petrie: I got ya!
Kid: Ya did not!
Rob Petrie: He did too!
[Ritchie enters with a toy machine gun]
Rob Petrie: Ritchie, answer me this: What does "morose" mean?
Ritchie Petrie: Huh?
Rob Petrie: It's a... it's a word you hear every day. Have you ever heard of the word "morose."
Ritchie Petrie: Yeah. Lots of times.
Rob Petrie: What does it mean, Ritch?
Ritchie Petrie: Some kind of flower.

Rob Petrie: [unhappy that Laura didn't appreciate his rewrite] You don't like that one, just, uh, write one yourself.
Laura Petrie: I already did. By the way, where is my story?
Rob Petrie: Well... with the, uh, cutting, honey, and the pasting and, uh... Uh, I... Well, I had to throw it out.
Laura Petrie: Well, thanks a lot, Rob. Thanks a heck of a lot.
Rob Petrie: Where're you goin'?
Laura Petrie: I'm gonna rewrite the original story that I already wrote.
Rob Petrie: Well, I am not gonna do any more rewriting.
Laura Petrie: Oh-ho-ho, you bet you're not.

[to get Sally and Buddy's unbiased opinion, Rob reads the stories he and Laura wrote without saying who wrote which. After reading the first story, he begins the second]
Rob Petrie: All right. Now this is story B.
Buddy Sorrell: What a wonderful title.

Rob Petrie: [to Sally] Well, yep, it's your... You're entitled to your opinion. It's okay.
Rob Petrie: [to Buddy] Buddy, what a... what about you?
Buddy Sorrell: I'm entitled to her opinion, too.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Harrison B. Harding of Camp Crowder, Mo. (#1.6)" (1961)
Sally Rogers: I got a head full of pins.
Rob Petrie: It's better than marbles.

Sally Rogers: Just gimme two seconds to make myself gorgeous.
[knock at the door]
Rob Petrie: Your time's up.
Sally Rogers: I'm gorgeous.

Rob Petrie: You're really nuts about me, aren't ya?
Laura Petrie: Not really, but Richie likes you and I hate to waste food.

Evelyn Harding: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Ritchie Petrie: Not yet but someday I will. Daddy promised.
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Hello, Police Headquarter? Can you tell me where your prowl cars are? No, I mean do you have any up on the north end? Why? Well, I'd-I'd like to report a possible robbery. Maybe later this evening. No, it is not definite. No, sir, this is not a gag.
Laura Petrie: Rob, you're being ridiculous.
Rob Petrie: Captain, I can't talk now, my wife's bothering me.

Rob Petrie: By gosh, you know something?
Harrison B. Harding: What?
Rob Petrie: I even know the nickname the guys gave you!
Harrison B. Harding: I'll bet you don't!
Rob Petrie: Harry the Horse!
Harrison B. Harding: Ho-ho, you dog! Harry the Horse!
Ritchie Petrie: Why did they call you that?
Rob Petrie: Because he had a face...
Evelyn Harding: ...as big as a horse.
Harrison B. Harding: I lost 57 pounds since then.
Evelyn Harding: All from his face.
Harrison B. Harding: Don't tease me, Evelyn.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Br-rooom, Br-rooom (#4.31)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: A minute ago you said you liked tuna casserole.
Rob Petrie: A minute ago I had a motorcycle.

Sally Rogers: Look, whatever possessed you to buy a motorcycle?
Rob Petrie: They're economical. You get great gas mileage on 'em.
Sally Rogers: Sure. The ride back is always in the ambulance.

Laura Petrie: ...You broke a promise.
Rob Petrie: What promise?
Laura Petrie: To take back the motorcycle.
Rob Petrie: I-I-I didn't promise.
Laura Petrie: Well, what was it then?
Rob Petrie: I-I just insinuated.
Laura Petrie: All right, then you broke your insinuation.
Rob Petrie: You can't break an insinuation.
Laura Petrie: You can when it's a promise.

Laura Petrie: I know what you're thinking.
Rob Petrie: All right, what am I thinking?
Laura Petrie: You know.

Rob Petrie: Was I jealous when you got a new washing machine?

Laura Petrie: Who's Doris?
Rob Petrie: Doris is a girl I was with. She kept me out of trouble, honey.
Laura Petrie: You, uh... think so, huh?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Life and Love of Joe Coogan (#3.17)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: I just don't see why a happily married woman has to keep a box full of strange love sonnets hidden down in her basement.
Laura Petrie: They're not HIDDEN in the basement.
Rob Petrie: They're not? I didn't see any shoebox down there.
Laura Petrie: Well, you're just not very observant, that's all, 'cause they're... lying right there.
Rob Petrie: Where?
Laura Petrie: By the furnace.
Rob Petrie: There's no shoebox by that furnace.
Laura Petrie: Well, they're there. They're... right behind some loose bricks.

Laura Petrie: Rob, would it make you happy if I burned them? Is that what you want? You just say the word, dear, and I will burn them.
Rob Petrie: Burn them.
Laura Petrie: No, sir. Not if you're gonna take THAT attitude.

Laura Petrie: [fighting with Rob over the phone] And I object to your tone.
Rob Petrie: You're gonna hear a dial tone in a minute 'cause I'm gonna hang up.

Rob Petrie: Sally, what're you doin' tonight?
Sally Rogers: Nothin', but I think I can get out of it.

Sally Rogers: What's he look like?
Rob Petrie: Oh, he's a cross between Gregory Peck and Stewart Granger.
Sally Rogers: Hey, that ain't too bad. What's his name?
Buddy Sorrell: Stewart Peck.

Rob Petrie: [entering and seeing Joe] Well, how's the old duffer today?
Joe Coogan: [turning around and smiling in recognition] Old duff...? Rob!
Rob Petrie: [seeing Joe in his priest collar for the first time] Well. Why, I didn't mean... I didn't mean you're an old duffer, Foffer. Father! Father Duffer! I mean, Father Duffy.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Night the Roof Fell In (#2.9)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: You're gonna have to talk to that boy.
Rob Petrie: I would love to. You just sent him to bed!

Rob Petrie: Ritchie say anything cute today?
Laura Petrie: No, not that I can remember.
Rob Petrie: Well, tell him to get with it! What is the use of having a kid around the house if he can't be cute?

Rob Petrie: Now, why am I boring YOU guys with this?
Sally Rogers: Who's bored? I love to hear things that make me feel good about being single.

Laura Petrie: Well, I know what you're thinking. Why don't you say it? Go on! Out with it! Out with what's on your mind! Tell me I'm overweight! Tell me you're sorry you ever married me!
Rob Petrie: Well, now, honey, I'm sorry.
[realizes immediately but too late how that sounded]

Rob Petrie: Anyway, you can see why I can't just go home and walk in and say "Hello, what's new?"
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. She's liable to dig up a lot of... what's old.

Laura Petrie: [after Rob sees Ritchie's poor spelling test grade] Rob, we promised: no more yelling.
Rob Petrie: That's right.
Ritchie Petrie: Here, Daddy, sign it.
Rob Petrie: Nope. First we eat, then we sign.
Laura Petrie: But... no yelling.
Rob Petrie: No yelling - but a lot of loud "discussion."


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Word a Day (#1.20)" (1962)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [about the dirty word Ritchie said] I wish I knew where Ritch was picking that stuff up, and from whom.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [pointing to Buddy] When was the last time he was at your house?
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Look, beach-head, I don't use bad language in front of children, but in your case, I'll make an exception.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Children can be a problem, can't they, Rob? At home *and* at the office.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: They sure can.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Morning, honey.
[smooch]
Laura Petrie: Shh.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: What'd I do? Kiss you too loud?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Ritchie said a bad word.
Sally Rogers: Well, THAT we gathered.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, what was it? What'd he say?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Can't repeat it in mixed company.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I understand, Rob. Buddy, would you mind leaving the room?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm gonna go home tonight and have a man-to-man talk with my son.
Sally Rogers: Man-to-man? Hey, is Ritchie ready for that?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think he's ready for it.
Sally Rogers: Are you?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: You know, nothing works like a little love and a little psychology.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: And a little rap in the mouth is pretty effective, too.

Laura Petrie: How 'bout some dinner?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Whadda you having?
Laura Petrie: Spaghetti and meatballs.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don't want any.
Laura Petrie: Well, honey, that's your favorite.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I know. If I eat it I'll get happy and I want to stay mad!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Talented Neighborhood (#1.19)" (1962)
Mrs. Kendall: [finally leaving after having forced the Petries to listen to her son sing an opera for two and a half hours] And say goodnight to Mrs. Petrie for me. I do hope her headache goes away.
Rob Petrie: [standing by with the front door open] I think it's going.

Laura Petrie: Coffee?
Jerry Helper: Why, what've you got to go with it?
Laura Petrie: Fresh cheese and crackers or stale doughnuts.
Jerry Helper: I'll have the stale doughnuts. It'll give me an excuse to dunk.
Rob Petrie: Me too, honey.
Laura Petrie: [heading off to the kitchen] All right. I hope I didn't throw them away.
Rob Petrie: [to Jerry] She's got a lot of class.

Rob Petrie: Sorry. I didn't mean to shout. I didn't realize you were through talking.

Laura Petrie: [meaningfully] Honey, I didn't expect you for at least six hours.
Rob Petrie: Oh... well, the traffic... was good.

Mrs. Kendall: You don't remember me, Mr. Petrie? Last summer? The supermarket? I was the one that told you how much I liked your show.
Rob Petrie: Oh, were you the one?

Rob Petrie: And who are those people?
Ritchie Petrie: They're not people. They're my friends.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I Was a Teenage Head Writer (#2.19)" (1963)
[first lines]
Rob Petrie: But all we need is just one joke to finish the show. Come up with something, Buddy, and you can go home to your wife.
Buddy Sorrell: Go home to my wife? What kind of reward is that?

Rob Petrie: I usually don't say this, but I think that sketch is one of the funniest we've written in months.
Mel Cooley: Well, I'm sorry. It just didn't make me laugh.
Buddy Sorrell: That PROVES it's funny.

Rob Petrie: Look, Mel, as the head writer, I say it's a good script, and I'm sure Alan would agree with me, too.
Mel Cooley: I'm sorry, there's no use talking...
Rob Petrie: [interrupting] Mel, I could go over your head.
Buddy Sorrell: Watch it, Rob. It's slippery up there.

Sally Rogers: You don't wanna open a comedy show with jokes?
Rob Petrie: N-n-no.
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe we should open it with the Budapest String Quartet.

Rob Petrie: We're together, right?
Laura Petrie: Right.
Rob Petrie: We're a team, right?
Laura Petrie: Right.
Rob Petrie: All right, then. If... if you and I had a big fight and I said I'm walking out, wouldn't you walk right out with me?

Rob Petrie: Buddy and Sally and I, we were a team, just like franks and beans and sauerkraut. Boy, now there's a team that sticks together. You can't break a team like that up. Lemme show you something.
[takes away the hot dog]
Rob Petrie: Look, does that look right? Huh? Does that look right to you? Yeah. The hot dog's sittin' at home out of work while the beans and sauerkraut are downtown laughin' at him.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally Is a Girl (#1.13)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: Hey, Mel? How about a little poker game Thursday night?
Mel Cooley: Oh, fine. Who're the players gonna be? No women, I hope.
Sally Rogers: Nyah!
Rob Petrie: No, just Buddy, me and Sally.
Mel Cooley: Count on me.

Rob Petrie: Hey, Sal, you smell GOOD today.
Sally Rogers: I do?
Buddy Sorrell: Why not? The best Bay Rum money can buy.

Rob Petrie: Whadda ya say we cut the jokes and get some work done around here?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, all right. Forget the jokes - we gotta write a comedy show. No funny stuff.

Rob Petrie: Sally, you know, you have wonderful taste. That's a beautiful blouse you're wearing this morning there.
Sally Rogers: You like it? It's yours.

Rob Petrie: You wouldn't think I was over-dramatizing if you'd seen the look on her face when she kissed me.
Laura Petrie: She KISSED you?
Rob Petrie: Yes.
Laura Petrie: Where?
Rob Petrie: Right in the office.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Don't Trip Over That Mountain (#2.22)" (1963)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How are you, Jer?
Jerry Helper: Oh, I'm all right, I got off cheap. Just a sprained wrist. What'd the doctor say you had?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Same thing, it's a, uh, sprain.
Jerry Helper: A sprained what?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A sprained body.
Jerry Helper: A sprained body? I never heard of a sprained body before.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well that's what I got.
Jerry Helper: Well, where does it hurt?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [Slowly pointing to the left side of his upper lip] You see that?
Jerry Helper: Yeah...
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It's the only place it doesn't hurt.

Laura Petrie: Darling, I told you that I don't mind you're going. Now what more can I say?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, just once I would like to hear you say it like you really meant it.
Laura Petrie: Do I give you the impression that I don't mean it?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Very, very clearly.
Laura Petrie: Well, I'm sorry, then I'll try to say it more convincingly: I don't mind that you and Jerry are going skiing this weekend, and I hope you both have a wonderful time.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All right. Boy, if you feel THAT way, I'll just stay home then.

[a repeated sentiment]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: DON'T TOUCH ME!

[a repeated sentiment]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: ...I have got to learn to do these things for myself.

Jerry Helper: [after Rob concludes his phone call] Boy, Rob, you know, you were pretty rough on her. Are you really that angry with Laura?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [physically sore all over] No, I'm not, but I want her to think I am.
Jerry Helper: Why?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: If she makes up with me immediately, she's gonna wanna hug me.
Jerry Helper: Oh, I see.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Stacey Petrie: Part II (#4.18)" (1965)
[Millie doesn't know the full story about Stacey]
Rob Petrie: Didn't you tell her?
Laura Petrie: Well, Rob, you told me not to.
Rob Petrie: You mean that WORKS?
Laura Petrie: Sometimes.

Rob Petrie: Well, it's a basic business principle, Millie. You should never open a nightclub the night after you've gone and told the girl you love that you're not James Garner. Very bad for business.

Rob Petrie: You were supposed to see Julie hours ago.
Stacey Petrie: Well, yeah, I... I know, but I had this thing to do.
Rob Petrie: What's that?
Stacey Petrie: Work up courage.

Rob Petrie: Uh, Millie, you wanna come down and help us decorate?
Millie Helper: No thanks.
Rob Petrie: Well... go home.

Rob Petrie: [hoping to lift Stacey's spirits] Honey, would you please tell him how you felt about me when we first met? Just tell him, will ya?
Laura Petrie: Well, I couldn't STAND Rob. I thought he was arrogant, repulsive, insufferable... Just hearing his voice, Stacey, used to make my flesh crawl. I thought that he was just about the most...
[notices Rob's pained expression and stops]
Rob Petrie: What we're trying to say, Stace, is that... maybe it isn't over with Julie. You know, I mean, look at us. Our beginnings couldn't have been any worse.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I thought he was brash and vulgar...
Rob Petrie: I think we covered that, honey. I... It's just that, the thing is that, there's not just one person for every other person, Stace.
Laura Petrie: Right! If Rob had continued to revolt me, I have no doubt in this world I would have found somebody just as nice as Rob - maybe even nicer.
Rob Petrie: And I wouldn't exactly have jumped off a cliff if I hadn't married Laura, either. I could have... I could have... There's no telling what kind of a great girl I might have found.
[Rob and Laura stare at each other, both egos a little wounded]


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: I'd Rather Be Bald Than Have No Head at All (#3.31)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Honey, wake up a second.
Laura Petrie: [half-asleep] Rob, the coffee's in the pot, the toast is on the table, and the eggs are in the oven.
Rob Petrie: Honey, I don't care if the frost is on the pumpkin. I want you to wake up for just a second.

Rob Petrie: [waking Laura] Honey, I want to ask you something very important.
Laura Petrie: Well, what's the matter?
Rob Petrie: Would you marry Mel Cooley?
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob...

[Alan has approved this week's script]
Sally Rogers: Oh, good, good, then who's the surprise guest.
Rob Petrie: Are you ready? Ricard Vincente.
Sally Rogers: Oh, I love him!
Buddy Sorrell: That's no surprise.
Rob Petrie: That's right. Half the women in the country love him.
Buddy Sorrell: [boasting] Well, I happen to know his secret.
Sally Rogers: You do? Why don't you use it?

Rob Petrie: [to Mel] When did you first, uh... first realize that, you know, you were... beginning to get bald?
Buddy Sorrell: When a near-sighted ostrich jumped on his head and tried to hatch it.

Laura Petrie: Rob, you are not going to put a head full of oil and vinegar on my good pillowcases.
Rob Petrie: I wasn't planning to.
Laura Petrie: Well, then where were you going to sleep, in the refrigerator?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Never Bathe on Saturday (#4.27)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: [from the bathroom] Well, where's the stupid maid with the key?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: She's right here, honey.
Maid: Stupid maid, huh?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, we had a stupid maid once.

Maid: Dearie, would you try jiggling the door knob?
Laura Petrie: I can't reach the door knob.
Maid: Why not?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: She's stuck. May I please?
Maid: Look, why can't your wife open the door from the other side?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Because she's stuck in the tub.
Maid: She calls ME stupid.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Don't toy with me, you saucy wench.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [finally getting into the bathroom] Honey, you all right?
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob...
[Rob laughs]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm sorry. You look so funny.
Laura Petrie: Oh, jeez!
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [coming out while continuing to laugh] You guys wanna see something ridiculous?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Is there any particular reason why you're sawing so slowly?
Engineer: The best one. I'm seventy-five years old.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Boy #1, Boy #2 (#4.19)" (1965)
Millie Helper: You know what I'm thinking?
Rob Petrie: Uh, Freddie would be good for the part.
Millie Helper: I think so, too!

[Rob decides to rewrite his script for two kids, giving some lines to Ritchie]
Rob Petrie: I better make sure they have equal parts.
Laura Petrie: Well, no, they don't have to be exactly equal.
Rob Petrie: Oh. Um, you mean Ritchie could have a couple more, huh?
Laura Petrie: Well, you are his father.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, well, I don't want you to become his stage mother.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!

Buddy Sorrell: [suggesting a line] "Drive the Tarantula 8 and see what the well-dressed pedestrian will be dodging next year."
Rob Petrie: That's good except I don't think Ritchie would say a thing like that.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, why not?
Rob Petrie: Well, an eight-year-old mind wouldn't come up with something that clever.
Sally Rogers: [indicating Buddy] Oh, I don't know. His eight-year-old mind thought of it.

Laura Petrie: Well, listen, darling, I don't want to say anything...
Rob Petrie: Good. That's a perfect start right there.

Jerry Helper: But really, Rob, this stuff was priceless.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. It isn't worth anything.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Happy Birthday and Too Many More (#3.19)" (1964)
[Buddy, Sally and Rob try to devise a game show sketch for Alan Brady]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, I got the game show! It-it's like "What's My Line?" only it's called "What Was This Fellow's Name Before He Changed It To What It Is Now, And Why Did He Change It, Do You Think?"
Sally Rogers: Is that the title or the whole show?
Buddy Sorrell: No, that's the idea of the thing. They bring a fellow in, they say "This man manufactures golf sweaters, and he calls him..." - you know, if he likes it - so "he calls himself Sam Golfsweater," cause he wants everyone to know he makes golf sweaters."
Sally Rogers: All right, what was his name before he changed it?
Buddy Sorrell: Al Paca!
Sally Rogers: Get outta here.
Buddy Sorrell: No, no...
Sally Rogers: BUDDY!
Buddy Sorrell: You'll like it. It'll grown on you.
Sally Rogers: I don't want anything to grow on me!
Buddy Sorrell: One-one-one more. One more. A girl lives in Pennsylvania, and she's so proud of her home state, she calls herself Patricia Pittsburgh.
Sally Rogers, Rob Petrie: [together, with threatening fists] What was her name before she changed it?
Buddy Sorrell: Phyllis Adelphia.
Sally Rogers: [chasing him to the sofa] Ohh, Buddy!

Laura Petrie: I'm trying to decide when to have Ritchie's birthday.
Rob Petrie: I thought we decided that about eight years ago.

Rob Petrie: Let's neck.
Laura Petrie: Now quit kidding around.
Rob Petrie: I'm not kidding around. I wanna neck.

Rob Petrie: It is pretty bad, isn't it, when a kid's birthday party becomes a status symbol?

Rob Petrie: Aw, what kind of a party would it be if they can't eat the house along WITH the volcano?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Man from My Uncle (#5.27)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: There's a G-man in the living room.
Laura Petrie: And there's a nut in the kitchen.

Rob Petrie: When is the last time you were asked to be a responsible adult citizen?
Laura Petrie: Well, you're talking like a responsible adult citizen, but I have a feeling that inside there's a little boy jumping up and down saying "Oh, goodie, goodie, goodie, cops and robbers."
Rob Petrie: That is ridiculous.
Laura Petrie: Is it? How many grown men still have their Captain Midnight decoder rings?

Rob Petrie: What good is it to have a government agent in your house who just sits around and eats bananas?

Harry Bond: I'll be right with you so there won't be any trouble.
Rob Petrie: Okay. What-what's the gun for?
Harry Bond: So there won't be any trouble.

Harry Bond: This is Thrush.
Rob Petrie: [embarrassed] Hi, Thrush.
Harry Bond: We read you and we'll release all your agents if you just stop playing with our equipment.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Father of the Week (#1.22)" (1962)
[while on the phone with Laura, Rob and his staff try to reschedule Rob some time away from the office the following day]
Sally Rogers: Way can't we have tomorrow's meeting today?
Rob Petrie: Good idea.
Buddy Sorrell: We can't. We're having yesterday's meeting today.
Sally Rogers: Rob, why can't we have tomorrow's meeting yesterday and yesterday's meeting the day after tomorrow?
Rob Petrie: That's possible.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Look, honey...
Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. We can't.
Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Hold it, honey.
Sally Rogers: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: 'Cause I get my hair cut on Friday.
Sally Rogers: Why can't you get your hair cut on Thursday?
Buddy Sorrell: I GROW it on Thursday.

Rob Petrie: [on the phone to Laura] Honey, look, tell him we'll arrange it somehow, even if I have to cut Buddy's hair personally.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, no you don't. Nobody cuts my hair but my gardener.
Sally Rogers: Gardener? No wonder his head looks like crabgrass.

Rob Petrie: What's the problem?
Laura Petrie: Well, it's this Father of the Week thing. Ritchie's upset about it.
Rob Petrie: Well, didn't you tell him I'll be there?
Laura Petrie: Mm-hm. That's why he's upset.

Rob Petrie: Course that's a pretty big honor, isn't it, Ritch - Father of the Week?
Ritchie Petrie: No. All the fathers were it already.
Rob Petrie: I see. I'm the... I'm the, uh, last father to be it, huh?
Ritchie Petrie: Uh-huh. Next week they start mothers.

Rob Petrie: A lion bit me?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Racy Tracy Rattigan (#2.27)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Morning, Sal.
Sally Rogers: Ah, shut up!
Rob Petrie: Out with Herman last night again, huh?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, how could you tell?

Rob Petrie: What do you suppose is keeping Sally?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, I dunno. I guess it takes a long time to take off fifteen pounds.

Rob Petrie: Tracy, this is Laura, my wife.
Tracy Rattigan: Is this foul news the truth?
Laura Petrie: That's right. I'm his husband.
Rob Petrie: She means I'm her wife.

Laura Petrie: You DID give him the right directions, I hope.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. East Side Highway, Browns River Parkway, you know.
Laura Petrie: Darling, why didn't you tell him to take the West Side Highway? It's much more direct.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, but the East Side Highway is ten minutes faster.
Laura Petrie: Yeah, but twice as devious. There's much more chance he'll get lost.
Rob Petrie: [laughing] Yeah, I know that.

Tracy Rattigan: You cad! You ruined my joke!
Rob Petrie: Well, better your joke than your suit, eh, Tracy?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Somebody Has to Play Cleopatra (#2.14)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Under no circumstances will I write and direct another amateur variety show this year, and you may tell Mrs. Billings that.
Laura Petrie: But, Darling, she didn't say anything about you doing the show again.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I can just hear her.
Rob Petrie: [mimicking Mrs. Billings] "Oh, Mr. Petrie, it's so easy for you. I don't know how you writers get your WONDERFUL ideas."

Laura Petrie: Can't you forget about last year?
Rob Petrie: No, I wanna remember last year. I don't wanna forget it so that next year I don't have to remember THIS year.

Mrs. Billings: And now that you're head of the whole show, what can we do to make your job easy?
Rob Petrie: Impeach me.

Rob Petrie: Hey, that is a beautiful brunch outfit you've got on.
Laura Petrie: Thank you.
Rob Petrie: You know, if you keep lookin' that good in the morning, I may have to switch to an afternoon newspaper.

Rob Petrie: And, uh, is, uh, Miss Harding still teaching Kindergarten?
Laura Petrie: Yes, but, uh, Miss Harding can't participate in the play.
Rob Petrie: Huh? Why?
Laura Petrie: Well, a few of the wives got up a little petition that prohibits her from being anything but a script girl.
Rob Petrie: Petition? Wh-when did THIS happen?
Laura Petrie: First thing tomorrow morning.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Oh, How We Met on the Night That We Danced (#1.5)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] Give me one good reason why you won't go out with me tonight.
Laura Petrie: I'll give you two. First of all, we are not allowed to date servicemen.
Rob Petrie: Servicemen? It's merely a temporary disguise with which to fool the enemy. Underneath this uniform beats the heart of a one hundred percent confirmed civilian, who attended the University of Illinois, majoring in Germanics, journalism, English and all intellectual stuff like that. It may interest you to know that I don't smoke or drink or bite my nails. I don't tell unsavory jokes in mixed company. And, uh, about complaining, I'm very easy to live with. I can go for a whole week with a hole in my sock; you won't hear a word out of me. Now, as far as the entertainment is concerned, we'll see nothing but June Allyson pictures. And when it comes to the guest list for the wedding, you can invite all the people you want to from your side of the family as long as I reserve the right to have either my father or my mother. Now, when your mother comes to live with us, she'll be as welcome as the flowers in the spring. Now, what is the second reason?
Laura Petrie: I don't like you. At all!
Rob Petrie: It's just because I make a rotten first impression. Ask anybody!

Rob Petrie: [seeing Laura for the first time] Sol, who is that girl?
Sol Pomeroy: Sarge, no, no, not that girl. Not that girl, Sarge. You're gonna waste your time with that girl, Sarge. She's as stuck up as they come, that girl.
Rob Petrie: What makes you think she's so stuck up?
Sol Pomeroy: Well, 'cause I know her. I know that girl. I talked to her. I went up to her, polite-like, nice, and I said to her, "Uh, how do you do, sweetie? How 'bout you and I takin' a hop down to the PX and I'll spring for a couple o' beers, and then, uh, if I'm not too drunk, then, uh, I'll, uh, I'll heist a weapons carrier and we'll take a spin around the obstacle course." You know, nice! Well, Sarge, that girl, stuck up, comes back with an answer that you'd never believe.
Rob Petrie: Well, what did she say?
Sol Pomeroy: She said, "No, thank you."

Rob Petrie: [show dancing with Laura] Why do you hate me?
Laura Petrie: [smiling] Doesn't everyone?
Rob Petrie: What can I do to make you like me?
Laura Petrie: [still maintaining her smile for the crowd] Get off the stage.

Sol Pomeroy: [to Rob about Laurie] Sarge, I don't know what you're knocking yourself out for. Can't you see she's a cold potato?
Rob Petrie: Sol, my boy, you add a little mayonnaise, some spices, some celery and egg, and a cold potato becomes a delicious potato salad.
Sol Pomeroy: Yeah, yeah. I could sure go for a hot pastrami sandwich right now.

Laura Petrie: [after they tell Ritchie about their meeting] So you see, Ritch, if Daddy didn't step on your mommy's foot, you might never have been born.
Ritchie Petrie: You should've stepped on both feet, Daddy.
Rob Petrie: Why, Ritch?
Ritchie Petrie: Then I would've had a twin brother.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Happy Spangler (#1.30)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: That could be Hap Spangler. Gee, I'd like to see him again.
Laura Petrie: Were you very fond of him?
Rob Petrie: Fond of him? I hated him.
Laura Petrie: Really?
Rob Petrie: Oh, with a passion.

Rob Petrie: That old Hap Spangler used to run a pretty tough school, but I learned more from him than all the other people I EVER worked for.
Rob Petrie: [gestures to the house] You could say Hap is responsible for gettin' me all of this.
Rob Petrie: [gestures to Laura] And now all of this.
Laura Petrie: Well, old Hap may have been responsible for getting you all THAT this but THIS this I gave you.
Rob Petrie: That right - for a wedding present!

Rob Petrie: How are ya, Hap?
Happy Spangler: [playfully] Oh, for a sick old man I feel... pretty sick and old.

Rob Petrie: Uh, Hap, I don't exactly know how to say this...
Happy Spangler: Well I do, so let me say it for you: "Hap, whatever happened to you? You used to be one of the biggest radio writers in the world. I thought you were dead. What're you doing in a haberdashery store selling ties." Is that what you're about to say?

[Rob asks Sally to bring Hap up-to-date on their latest script]
Sally Rogers: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Alan Brady Show." You're now up to date.
Rob Petrie: You mean that's all we've got?
Sally Rogers: Well, don't you remember we threw out the opening sketch?
Buddy Sorrell: HE threw it out. I still liked it. I don't know what was wrong.
Rob Petrie: Oh, Buddy, the thing was too long. It was in bad taste. It wasn't even funny.
Buddy Sorrell: Well, aside from that, what didn't you like?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Divorce (#2.28)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: You mean Buddy's serious?
Rob Petrie: Serious? Honey, I sat with him for five hours. There was a bald bartender; he didn't make one crack.

Laura Petrie: You said to Buddy that his wife was deceitful and dishonest?
Rob Petrie: Ye... Well, you should've heard HIS description of her.
Laura Petrie: Darling, he can say all the nasty things he wants to about her. She's his wife.

Rob Petrie: [over the phone] Hey, Buddy, what's the matter with you? You all right?
Buddy Sorrell: [groggy] Sleepin' pills.
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] He took sleepin' pills.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
Rob Petrie: Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, listen to me: How many did you take?
Buddy Sorrell: [ever the jokester] Not enough.

Rob Petrie: Honey, Buddy is my best friend and she is the one that drove him to Dozy Doodles.

Rob Petrie: Honey! What makes you think that a short, bare-fisted punch delivered by an enraged husband at point blank range to an naked eye would hurt a fella any?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Husband Is a Check-Grabber (#2.21)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: A little nippy out tonight.
[Laura refuses to answer]
Rob Petrie: A little nippy IN tonight.

Rob Petrie: Oh, no. Don't tell me we're gonna have another one of those arguments where I have to guess what it is.

Rob Petrie: Uh, Honey, the, uh, mortgage payment is due tomorrow. Is it all right if I pay it?
Laura Petrie: Why do yo ask?
Rob Petrie: Oh, well, I didn't want you to think I wanted the bank to fall in love with me.

Rob Petrie: Boy, you give a woman her own way and she'll start chipping away at your faults, one by one, and the first thing you know, you're perfect!

Jerry Helper: Say, uh, Rob, does Laura really have a headache or is she mad at you?
Rob Petrie: Both, and how did you know?
Jerry Helper: Just wishful thinkin'.
Rob Petrie: Whadda you mean "wishful thinking?" You want Laura to be mad at me?
Jerry Helper: Sure. Millie's mad at me, and I hate to think I've got the only rotten marriage in the neighborhood.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Brother, Can You Spare $2500? (#4.15)" (1965)
Laura Petrie: How's your headache?
Rob Petrie: Well, I took a couple of aspirins. It's all gone except for the pain.

Rob Petrie: I've got to go back to the office and tell Buddy and Sally I lost the script, and I want you with me.
Laura Petrie: Me? Why?
Rob Petrie: Because they won't hit me in front of my wife.

Hobo #2: Hey, hey, hey, fella. You, got a little somethin' for a needy bum?
Rob Petrie: [mistaking the guy for his contact] I sure have. You want me to put the money in the garbage can?
Hobo #2: Oh, you'd really like to take away my last shred of dignity, wouldn't you?

Rob Petrie: [under arrest] Wait a minute! My bum's comin'! He's expecting me!

Rob Petrie: When Mel comes in here, I want to take the blame.
Buddy Sorrell: No, no, come on, come on. We'll ALL take the blame. We'll... we'll each take fifty percent of the blame.
Sally Rogers: That's three halves there.
Buddy Sorrell: So forget my half.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Death of the Party (#4.12)" (1964)
[At 5:00AM Laura answers the doorbell to find Rob]
Laura Petrie: [with false civility] Hi.
Rob Petrie: I was so proud. I dressed, I shaved, and I packed, and I got out without wakin' you up.
Laura Petrie: And you were so proud, you had to come back and tell me, huh?

Rob Petrie: How can I get rid of a 24-hour virus before I get home?
Buddy Sorrell: Don't go home for twenty-four hours.

Laura Petrie: [finding Rob, still in his coat, laid out on the bed] Oh, Rob!
Rob Petrie: [waking] Huh?
Laura Petrie: What are you doing?
Rob Petrie: Taking a shower.

Rob Petrie: Millie, you're woman. You know that the 24-hour virus is not as painful as a two-week cold shoulder.

[Laura kisses Rob's forehead]
Rob Petrie: Is that affection or were you taking my temperature?
Laura Petrie: Both. Temperature's still 103 but... let's see, the affection's about 97.4.
Rob Petrie: Isn't that a little low for affection?
Laura Petrie: Well, with a fever of 103, you couldn't take much more.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Baby Fat (#4.29)" (1965)
Alan Brady: Oh, R-Rob, it's hard to tell a... a writer that his stuff isn't funny.
Rob Petrie: You tell me that every week.
Alan Brady: D'oh, but you're a... you're a television writer.

Rob Petrie: [deep in thought] Whadda ya want?
Laura Petrie: A divorce.
Rob Petrie: In a minute.
Laura Petrie: Shall I call the lawyer?
Rob Petrie: No, that's all right, honey. I'll call him.

Laura Petrie: Are you doing this because you're afraid of Alan?
Rob Petrie: No, I'm doin' it because I respect Alan Brady. A man of his caliber has great firing power.

Laura Petrie: What happened to your jacket?
Rob Petrie: I was attacked by a bar of soap.

Rob Petrie: Mr. Yates has written a play which is not very good.
Alan Brady: Rob, not in front of Mr. Ben.
Rob Petrie: [whispering] The play's weak. What am I whispering in front of a dog for?
Alan Brady: Because he's smart and he bites.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: It Wouldn't Hurt Them to Give Us a Raise (#4.11)" (1964)
Doug Wesley: Alan Bray works for Alan Brady Productions.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, but he owns it.
Doug Wesley: Ah, but Alan Brady Productions is a subsidiary of Reliance Industries.
Rob Petrie: [clears throat] What, uh... what's a Reliance Industries?
Doug Wesley: Reliance Industries owns The Cliff Barnett Show and they run a fleet of shrimp boats in the Gulf of Mexico.

Doug Wesley: You see, you and Sally and Buddy are not employed by the same firm.
Rob Petrie: We're not?
Doug Wesley: No, no, no. You, Rob, as head writer, are an executive, and all our executives are paid by Alan's Japanese company, Ishimoru.
Rob Petrie: Ishimoru, is that Japanese?
Doug Wesley: Oh, yes, yes.
Rob Petrie: You know, I always thought that was a combination of Alan's kids' names.
Doug Wesley: No. No. No, they make motorcycles, Rob.
Rob Petrie: And, and, they, uh, they pay me. Well, then, who... who pays Buddy and Sally?
Doug Wesley: Tam O'Shanter Ltd. of Scotland.
Rob Petrie: Why can't Tam O'Shanter Ltd. of Scotland give them a raise, then?
Doug Wesley: They're not doing too well right now, Rob.
Rob Petrie: [looking at their sizable corporate binder] They're not? With a book that thick, they're not? What, uh... what do THEY make?
Doug Wesley: Mm, right now, very bad investments, but a few years ago they were doing very well.
Rob Petrie: Well, what... what did they make then?
Doug Wesley: The Martin and Lewis coloring book.

Doug Wesley: [trying to explain Alan Brady's corporate picture] Rob, maybe I can demonstrate it better with the flowers.
Rob Petrie: The flowers?
Doug Wesley: [picking up a vase of fowers] Yeah. Now, this pot is Alan Brady.
Rob Petrie: Good casting.
Doug Wesley: All these flowers are his various enterprises.
Rob Petrie: He has that many flowers, huh?
Doug Wesley: Now this big, lusty, healthy blue flower - that's Ishimoru.
Rob Petrie: [taking the blue flower] Ishimoru... uh, uh - ptpt ptpt - motorcycles.
Doug Wesley: Right, right. Now, this sickly little green flower - that's Tam O'Shanter.
Rob Petrie: [taking the green flower] Tam O'Shanter, uh, coloring books.
Doug Wesley: Right.
Rob Petrie: Got that.
Doug Wesley: Now, this big pink flower - that's Brady Lady.
Rob Petrie: Brady Lady?
Doug Wesley: Brady Lady is owned by Alan's wife.
Rob Petrie: Alan's wife?
Doug Wesley: She pays the band.
Rob Petrie: Alan's wife pays the band?
Doug Wesley: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate loophole, Rob.
[Rob takes the pink flower as Mel enters and exits]
Mel Cooley: Wesley, would you check over these figures and get an answer back to me right away? I've been up here a thousand times: you never gave ME any flowers.

Buddy Sorrell: [upon hearing of a 15% raise] Boy, that's... that's great. Why didn't you tell us last night?
Rob Petrie: Well, there's a little more.
Buddy Sorrell: A little more than 15%?
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: You mean we split 15%?
Rob Petrie: No, no.
Buddy Sorrell: Seven and a half percent?
Rob Petrie: No.
Sally Rogers: 3%.
Rob Petrie: No, it's 15% raise.
Buddy Sorrell: It's there, but nobody got it. It's a treasure hunt.

Rob Petrie: Mr. Wesley, this pot is The Alan Brady Show, right?
Doug Wesley: Right.
Rob Petrie: [tossing out flowers as he speaks] Uh-huh, and his lovely red flower is Alan Brady. Uh-huh. Now, you take away Sally Rogers, and Buddy Sorrell, and Robert Petrie, and all Alan has left is an empty pot!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Ugliest Dog in the World (#5.4)" (1965)
[Rob introduces the ugliest dog anyone's ever seen]
Rob Petrie: I got him at the dog pound. Isn't he ghastly? He's a stray.
Buddy Sorrell: Stray, nothing. He missed completely.

Rex Spaulding: [checking over Horrible] What exactly did you have in mind?
Rob Petrie: Well, we-we wanna... we want you to make him beautiful.
Rex Spaulding: [looking back at Horrible] And your second choice?

Rex Spaulding: Once in every man's lifetime there comes a supreme challenge.
Rob Petrie: You mean you'll take a shot at horrible?
Rex Spaulding: A shot would be the humane thing to do.

[last lines]
Rob Petrie: But aren't you proud you live in a country where a dirty, old poocock can end up living with a rich, young Freek.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Return of Edwin Carp (#3.27)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: What's the one thing that's never been done on television?
Buddy Sorrell: You can't do that on television.

Sally Rogers: What is the one thing that's never been done on television?
Rob Petrie: Radio.

Edwin Carp: I have a theory about television, sir.
Rob Petrie: What's that?
Edwin Carp: I don't believe it is possible.

Edwin Carp: You haven't met my mother, have you?
Rob Petrie: No.
Edwin Carp: You wouldn't like her.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Day in the Life of Alan Brady (#5.25)" (1966)
[Rob okays Alan filming at his home, then calls Laura about it]
Sally Rogers: Listen, how can you say yes without checking?
Rob Petrie: I always do that.
Sally Rogers: And she doesn't mind?
Rob Petrie: Oh, yeah, but it makes the marriage exciting and dangerous.

Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Well, I'm sorry, Mel, that's too bad, but the waters do not part at Alan Brady's command.
Buddy Sorrell: [another bald joke] Mel's hair did.

Rob Petrie: Millie, Alan wants you to uninvite twenty-eight people.
Millie Helper: What?
Laura Petrie: He only wants you to have twelve people at YOUR party.
Millie Helper: Well... how come you... w-why... w-who do... well... What did YOU say?
Rob Petrie: Those exact words.

Rob Petrie: [keeping order by directing the party, with overflow guests kept in the kitchen] This is Jerry and Millie's anniversary party, that's all, and you should act just the way you did at the last one.
Buddy Sorrell: I wasn't invited to the last one. What am I supposed to do?
Sally Rogers: Shut up or they'll put you in the kitchen.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Secret Life of Buddy and Sally (#2.10)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Boy, except for the boat and the native girls, this is the Paul Gauguin story all over again.

Rob Petrie: Look, do you... do you mind if I ask you something personal?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, not if you tell us what it is first.

Rob Petrie: Herbie's Hiawatha Lodge is... is their romantic hideaway.
Laura Petrie: Rob, nothing will make me believe that.
Rob Petrie: Nothin'll make me believe it either till I see it - and I gotta SEE it!

Rob Petrie: How do you like what I'm thinkin'?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Romance, Roses and Rye Bread (#4.6)" (1964)
[Sally discovers a single red rose in her desk]
Rob Petrie: I think you've got a secret admirer, huh?
Sally Rogers: Secret admirer?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, you know, like those guys who send, uh, a dozen roses to chorus girls.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but I'm not a chorus girl.
Buddy Sorrell: That's why you only got one.

Rob Petrie: Hey, wait a minute. This rose DOES have kind of a manly smell about it. What... what is it, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell: [smelling Sally's rose] Pastrami.
Rob Petrie: Yeah. That's what it is. It's pastrami.
Sally Rogers: Well, there's our first clue. My secret admirer loves pastrami.
Buddy Sorrell: Either that or this flower was pollinated by a kosher bee.

Rob Petrie: You know something about that rose?
Bert Monker: Why shouldn't I know something about the rose?
Rob Petrie: Bert, why do you always answer a question with a question?
Bert Monker: Do I?

Rob Petrie: [seeing their typed script pages rejected] Did Alan, uh, crumple those?
Sally Rogers: Yep, that's Alan's crumple.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Anthony Stone (#4.26)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Uh, very nice to meet you, Tony.
Anthony Stone: Of course.
Buddy Sorrell: "Of course?"

Laura Petrie: [seeing the alligator purse Sally brought back for her from Jamaica] Oh, Rob, isn't it beautiful? Don't you love it?
Rob Petrie: Well, anything that helps rid the world of alligators, I'm for.
Laura Petrie: And I've got a pair of alligator shoes that'll go with it perfectly.
Rob Petrie: You have? Where?
Laura Petrie: Little shop on 34th street.

Rob Petrie: Hey, let's get one thing straight. We have no right to pry into Sally's private business. It's just not right. Besides, Laura's pumpin' her right now.

[Rob and Laura don't realize they're talking about two different matters]
Rob Petrie: Wait'll I tell you what I found out.
Laura Petrie: [musically] I found out, too.
Rob Petrie: You did? How?
Laura Petrie: Sally told me.
Rob Petrie: Sally TOLD ya?
Laura Petrie: Well, of course, darling. Don't you remember? That was the point for the whole luncheon.
Rob Petrie: You mean Sally KNOWS?
Laura Petrie: Well, naturally.
Rob Petrie: [flabbergasted] Well, she doesn''t care?
Laura Petrie: Oh, not too much.
Rob Petrie: I can't believe that.
Laura Petrie: Well, see, what she's really afraid of is that peple will kid her about it and make jokes.
Rob Petrie: JOKES? Honey, I don't see that that's anything to joke about.
Laura Petrie: Gee, Rob, you must be one of her square friends
Rob Petrie: SQUARE? Is that what you call it? You call is square?
Laura Petrie: You're really making an awful lot out of nothing.
Rob Petrie: WHAT?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Where You Been, Fassbinder? (#1.25)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Now, you men don't seem to realize that when a woman reaches a certain age, and is unmarried, every birthday becomes a milestone, and every milestone is a millstone. Now I have a feeling Sally isn't gonna wait till Friday to do her crying. I think she's gonna do it tonight. And we're responsible.
Rob Petrie: WE are? What did WE do?
Laura Petrie: We went and had a baby that grew up to be a six-year-old big mouth.

Rob Petrie: Honey, what makes you think she was so upset by it?
Laura Petrie: Because I'm a woman.
Rob Petrie: What! You're... You're a woman? My gosh... My father married one of those!

[the gang gathers for Sally's surprise birthday party]
Pickles Sorrell: What're you gonna give her, Laura?
Laura Petrie: Well, I got her some perfume.
Buddy Sorrell: Perfume for Sally?
Laura Petrie: Mm-hm.
Rob Petrie: What's a matter with that?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, nothin' except it'll make my snakes look cheep.

Rob Petrie: Boy, it's gettin' late. Mel said he'd meet us as soon as he got outta the barber shop.
Buddy Sorrell: Baldy in a barber shop? What's he doing, reminiscing?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Brave and the Backache (#3.20)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: I got some new cereals.
Rob Petrie: Wacha got?
Laura Petrie: It's the treasure chest assortment. You can have Wheatie Wowwows, Ricey Rumbles, Sesame Sweeties or Corny Cuties.
Rob Petrie: No Barley Bupkis?
Laura Petrie: No. Ritchie ate them. Listen, how about some Corn Flakes.
Rob Petrie: "Corn Flakes?"
Rob Petrie: [laughs] What a silly name for a cereal.

Rob Petrie: I want to prove to you once and for all that I want to be alone with you so badly that I'm willing to go up there by myself.

Rob Petrie: What do you think, Phil?
Dr. Philip Nevins: What do YOU think?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... I thought I'd come over here and find out what you think.
Dr. Philip Nevins: What I think doesn't matter. It's what YOU think.
Rob Petrie: Well, what I THINK you think?
Dr. Philip Nevins: No, what YOU think you think.
Rob Petrie: I don't know what to think.

Laura Petrie: You mean there's something wrong with us?
Rob Petrie: Yes, something wrong with us.
Laura Petrie: You mean we don't love each other?
Rob Petrie: That's... it.
Laura Petrie: That we don't love each other?
Rob Petrie: No, that you should ask such a stupid question of a husband who loves you and... and that you love.
Laura Petrie: Well, is that what Dr. Nevin said?
Rob Petrie: No, that's what I said.
Laura Petrie: Well, what did he say?
Rob Petrie: What he said doesn't matter. At least that's what he said.
Laura Petrie: Is-is-is that all he said?
Rob Petrie: That's practically. He did say that my backache, he didn't think, was psychosomatic or psychological.
Laura Petrie: He didn't... THINK it was.
Rob Petrie: What... no, you see, uh, Dr. Nevins is laboring under an... under a handicap because he's a trained psychiatrist and he can't be as sure of his diagnosis as we laymen who have nothing to lose.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Plots Thicken (#3.25)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Hey, how 'bout that. We're a two-plot family now.

Mr. Meehan: [as the argument ramps up] A commitment is a commitment.
Laura Petrie: Dad...
Sam Petrie: A toast is a toast!
Rob Petrie: Dad...
Mr. Meehan: A priority is nothing?
Laura Petrie: Dad!
Sam Petrie: Priority, my foot! A son is a son.
Rob Petrie: Dad.
Sam Petrie: Shut up!
Mr. Meehan: And a daughter is a daughter.
Laura Petrie: Dad...
Mr. Meehan: Shut up!
Laura Petrie: Rob...!
Rob Petrie: Shut up.
Sam Petrie: WHO YOU TELLIN' TO SHUT UP!

Mr. Meehan: [speaking to Rob privately in the kitchen, away from his wife and Laura] You made a reference in there about your father and me playing golf together.
Rob Petrie: Ye-yes, I did.
Mr. Meehan: And you specifically mentioned the fifteenth hole.
Rob Petrie: Yeah.
Mr. Meehan: You're obviously alluding to the matter that was discussed between your father and me.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, Dad, as a matter of fact I was.
Mr. Meehan: I'm glad you brought it up, because it gives me the opportunity right here and now to tell you that I don't wanna talk about it.
Rob Petrie: Well, I... You don't wanna talk about it?
Mr. Meehan: That's right. I don't wanna talk about it.
Rob Petrie: Well, w-why did you bring me in here?
Mr. Meehan: To tell you I don't wanna talk about it. It's too painful a subject - not for me, but I want to spare that woman in there. That poor woman.
Rob Petrie: Well, look, Dad, I didn't wanna talk about it either, but after seein' the way it's affected you two, I think we ought to talk about it.
Mr. Meehan: I don't wanna talk about it.
Rob Petrie: Well, I mean, that piece of land my dad bought...
Mr. Meehan: You're talking about it!
Rob Petrie: Well, how are we gonna settle anything if we don't talk about it?
Mr. Meehan: Rob, as far as that woman in there and I are concerned, it IS settled.
Rob Petrie: Obviously it isn't settled or we wouldn't be talkin' about it.
Mr. Meehan: We're not talking about it.
Rob Petrie: Well, what're we talkin' about?
Mr. Meehan: Something I never wanted to talk about.
Rob Petrie: What's that?
Mr. Meehan: Something that woman has felt for years.
Rob Petrie: Well, can we talk about it?
Mr. Meehan: Maybe it's time we did.

Ritchie Petrie: Well, what's a plot?
Rob Petrie: Well, Rich, uh, a, uh, plot is, uh... it's where you will go when-when you die, Rich.
Ritchie Petrie: I thought when you die you go to Heaven.
Rob Petrie: Well, you do. You do go to Heaven, Rich, a... but a plot is... is kind of like a... a launching pad. Zhoom!


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sound of the Trumpets of Conscience Falls Deafly on a Brain That Holds Its Ears... (#3.12)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And so do I.

Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't see those two people.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, once I-I witnessed an accident. There was a car and a fruit truck, and like a jerk I went and reported it. Hoo, boy, I'll never make THAT mistake again.
Sally Rogers: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, one of the guys turns out to be a nut, and he keeps threatening me all week long - calls, you know, on the phone - "You better get down or I'm gonna run you over with my fruit truck."
Sally Rogers: Yeah, but he didn't, did he?
Buddy Sorrell: No, he didn't, but he got me scared. Now every time I see a fruit truck, I break out in hives.

Laura Petrie: Well, I'm just glad this whole thing is over.
Rob Petrie: Well, I am too, but... I don't know. In a way, I wish I could have been a little more helpful to 'em.
Laura Petrie: Well, I am delighted that you weren't.
Rob Petrie: Honey, that is not a very good attitude to have.
Laura Petrie: Rob, you did much more than most people would.
Rob Petrie: Wha... No, I did not. Some people have good memories. They remember little details. I... I didn't even get the license plate off their Edsel.
Rob Petrie: [realizing he DOES know something useful] They had an Edsel.
Laura Petrie: [worried] You saw them drive an Edsel?
Rob Petrie: A red Edsel.
Laura Petrie: I think you're back in jeopardy.
Rob Petrie: How could I forget a fire engine red Edsel? Uh, Honey, there's only one thing to do.
Laura Petrie: [as Rob moves to the telephone] Oh, Rob, don't!
Rob Petrie: Honey, I have GOT to. I can't withhold information like that.
Laura Petrie: What? Y... yes, you can!
Rob Petrie: Honey...
Laura Petrie: Darling, let's analyze this.
Rob Petrie: Analyze what?
Laura Petrie: What do you actually remember? A red Edsel. There must be thousands of red Edsels running around... SOMEWHERE.
Rob Petrie: There may be, but I'll bet there's only one red Edsel running around with bumper stickers that say "I Like Ike" and "Visit Carlsbad Caverns."
Laura Petrie: Oh... Will you stop remembering?

Rob Petrie: Honey, you don't have to go down there with me.
Laura Petrie: I know.
Rob Petrie: Well, nothin's gonna happen.
Laura Petrie: I know that, too. I just want to be there when it doesn't.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Never Name a Duck (#2.1)" (1962)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: There's a bright side to havin' ducks around the house, too.
Laura Petrie: There is?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, yeah. W-when... when they... when they grow up, we can have fresh duck eggs for breakfast every morning.
Laura Petrie: From which one, Oliver or Stanley?

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [looking through a box full of old toys] Hey, here's something for Ritchie: a bathtub toy with a plastic fish in it.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I think Ritchie's a little too old for plastic fish.
Sally Rogers: [taking the toy] I'll take it.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I don't want to be personal, but aren't you old enough to bathe with real fish?
Sally Rogers: It's not for me, it's for Mr. Henderson, my cat.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Your cat eats plastic fish?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie, Sally Rogers: [in unison] It's a plastic cat.

Miss Glasser: A duck is a duck.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's right. A dog's a dog.
Miss Glasser: And a cat is a person.

[Rob pretends to be making bird calls so Ritchie doesn't figure out he's hiding two baby ducks]
Ritchie Petrie: You're a good actor, Daddy. Do it again.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, I'll cheep some more a... after dinner for ya.
Ritchie Petrie: Aw, please?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Rich, you know Daddy doesn't like to cheep on an empty stomach.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Two Faces of Rob (#2.2)" (1962)
Sally Rogers: [about Laura] Oh, come on, Rob, she's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her. She knows it's you.
Rob Petrie: [Shakes head] She thought it was him.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's what she wants you to think. She knows it was you.
Rob Petrie: You gonna tell me about her? You may know you, but you don't know her. She thought it was him
Sally Rogers: Well, I know her, and I know you, and I'm telling you she knows it's you.
Rob Petrie: You think you know about us? I am part of us, and I don't know her, but I know her better than you know her, and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.

Sally Rogers: Uh, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30.
Rob Petrie: She won't. There's not a chance.
Sally Rogers: Well, just suppose she does.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Then she'll be stood up.
Rob Petrie: Look, she will not be stood up because she is not gonna be there. Now, she is my wife and I know her. I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing on as long as I have. I-I should've told her a long time ago and told her the truth. Believe me, when I get home tonight, I'm gonna... I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her.
Sally Rogers: Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Oh, no, not Laura. She won't say a word. For months.

Rob Petrie: [in an Italian accent] Carissima, are you married?
Laura Petrie: Would it make a difference?
Rob Petrie: Eh... well, no, I... I suppose not.
Laura Petrie: Then why ask the question?

Rob Petrie: [after apologizing to Laura] I don't blame you for not jumping to forgive me. I'm not even asking you to forgive me. I'm not even asking you to be nice to me. I'm-I'm just asking you to let me LIVE here.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Laura's Little Lie (#3.3)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Hi, Rich. Have you seen Mommy?
Ritchie Petrie: When?
Rob Petrie: This morning.
Ritchie Petrie: Didn't YOU see her? She sleeps in YOUR room.

Rob Petrie: Maybe she's afraid to go for the physical examination. Yeah, because every time I mention a doctor's appointment she tenses up.
Buddy Sorrell: Maybe he got a cold stethoscope.

Laura Petrie: [bursting into tears] I lied to you. Oh, Rob, all these years we said we'd never lie to each other and I LIED TO YOU-U-U!
[raps finger against their insurance policy]
Rob Petrie: [examines around where he thinks Laura's pointed] Why? What? "Sex: female?" You couldn't have lied about that!

Rob Petrie: Why don't we run out and get married?
Laura Petrie: When?
Rob Petrie: W... Tonight.
Laura Petrie: You mean we elope?
Rob Petrie: Yeah! Yeah, we can... we can get Millie and Jerry, drive up to Greenwich and get married. And on the way back, we'll stop and see the last showing of the... of "The Charming Dr. Horrible." Ha-ha-ha.
Laura Petrie: A marriage and a movie?
Rob Petrie: Sure. It's a perfect evening. Whadda ya say?
Laura Petrie: Wait a minute. We can't elope tonight.
Rob Petrie: Why not, Honey.
Laura Petrie: 'cause WE haven't got a babysitter.
Rob Petrie: Aw, darn!
Laura Petrie: Well, wait! We can get married tomorrow night.
Rob Petrie: Well, yeah, but tomorrow night the movie's not playin'.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jealousy! (#1.7)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: Morning, honey.
[puckers his lips expecting a kiss, but instead gets an earful]
Laura Petrie: [in rapid-fire fashion] What do you mean by that? It may be a good morning for you, but it wasn't for me! You didn't have to clean up the mess that this one made when he decided to finger paint all over the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste. And you don't have to be concerned at all about the fact that the cleaning woman isn't coming today and you have five people coming for lunch. Sure, go ahead, good morning! Why not?
Rob Petrie: [recoiling] Honey, give me another chance. I'll go out and come in again.
[starts for the door to the living room]
Rob Petrie: I won't say good morning - I'll just wave as I go by.

Rob Petrie: [after getting off the phone with Laura] I'd have never believed it.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What?
Rob Petrie: That sweet, lovable, understanding girl I married - she's turned into a... wife!

Rob Petrie: Have you had your coffee?
Jerry Helper: Are you kiddin'? Millie hasn't gotten up to fix me coffee since we're married. She's gotta get her "fifteen hours."

Rob Petrie: I wanna take a nap before I go to sleep.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Viva Petrie (#5.9)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: [recalling his former maid Maria] We wanted a lady one day a week, and she moved in like she was gonna live there the rest of her life.
Buddy Sorrell: That's exactly how I got my wife, Pickles.

Rob Petrie: Honey, right now I haven't got the guts to go in there and tell that coward that he can't clean my house.

Laura Petrie: He heard my roast beef is hard...
Rob Petrie: It's all over town.

Rob Petrie: I mean, for a guy who's supposed to be a bullfighter, he doesn't ACT like a guy who's supposed to be a bullfighter.
Laura Petrie: Well, how should a bullfighter act?
Rob Petrie: Well, not like him, honey. They... they're haughty, proud, mysterious - and they're brave. He saw a spider in the garage; I had to kill it - and I HATE 'em.
Laura Petrie: So? So, he's not a spider fighter.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: One Angry Man (#1.24)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Oh! We're not supposed to be doin' this.
Marla Hendrix: Doing what?
Rob Petrie: Talkin' and picking up each other's lipstick.

Laura Petrie: Rob, why did you ogle her that way?
Rob Petrie: Now, honey, what was the matter with the way I ogled her?

Third Juror: Are you a mother?
Rob Petrie: No.
Third Juror: Ah-HA! Well, I AM a mother, and, believe me, a mother's intuition is better than a tall, skinny comedy writer.

Rob Petrie: We, uh, we missed the evening newscast.
Sally Rogers: How 'bout that. I wondered why the evening seemed so empty.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Dear Sally Rogers (#5.21)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: You've done the Stevie Parsons show a dozen times. Why are you suddenly afraid?
Sally Rogers: I know, Rob, but I've used up all my best stories.
Buddy Sorrell: So dazzle 'em with your beauty.
Sally Rogers: Ah, thanks, Buddy. I don't need flattery. I need a joke.
Buddy Sorrell: That WAS a joke.

Sally Rogers: I'll advertise for a husband on television. Funny?
Rob Petrie: Well, I... I... That's not what Buddy... That's not...
Rob Petrie: [to Buddy] You didn't mean THAT, did you?
Buddy Sorrell: If it's funny, I meant it.

Rob Petrie: [as Sally begins sorting through her sack of mail] Whoa! You're not gonna read 'em NOW?
Sally Rogers: Whoa, you're not gonna try and stop me, are you? My future may be in this bag.
Buddy Sorrell: That's what I said the first time I saw my wife.

Rob Petrie: Yeah, I guess after midnight bad taste becomes sophisticated.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Lady and the Baby Sitter (#4.3)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: Honey, you married a very shy, retiring guy. That's all.
Laura Petrie: Okay, then how come five different girls wore your fraternity pin?
Rob Petrie: Because none of 'em wanted it, that's why. They kept givin' it to each other. It's like a game. The music stopped, and whoever got Petrie's pin had to go out with him.

Rob Petrie: Oh, you wanna talk about... talk about your girl?
Roger McChesney: She's not my girlfriend. She never will be. She's unobtainable.
Rob Petrie: Oh, Roger. There's no such thing as that. You take Mrs. Petrie.
Roger McChesney: WHAT?

Laura Petrie: [after reading Roger's love letter] Rob, what are we gonna do?
Rob Petrie: Before I make any suggestions, how do you feel about HIM?

Rob Petrie: Will you promise me never ever to talk me into talking to anybody again?
Laura Petrie: I do.
Rob Petrie: Good.
Laura Petrie: Now you promise me something.
Rob Petrie: What?
Laura Petrie: You'll talk to Roger.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Show of Hands (#4.28)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Buy a corsage from... from me.
Laura Petrie: What should I write on the card from you?
Rob Petrie: Wha... just say you love yourself and sign my name.

Rob Petrie: Nothing goes over worse at a formal dinner than the smell of sweaty bunny fur.

Rob Petrie: How did you get beer and eggs in your hair?
Sally Rogers: I was attacked by a band of bootleg chickens.

Rob Petrie: My wife and I accidentally stuck our hands in a pot of dye - permanent dye - and we wore these gloves because we were afraid of what you might think. Or we... we were afraid of what you might think we were thinking. Whadda ya think?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Neighbor's Husband's Other Life (#3.30)" (1964)
[in an argument over who the beautiful blonde was whom Rob and Laura saw having dinner with Jerry, Laura suddenly refers to her as a floozy]
Rob Petrie: Since when did she become a blonde floozy? I think she looked like a very nice girl.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, you hardly saw her.
Rob Petrie: Honey, I saw her legs when they came in, and those were not the legs of a floozy.

[Jerry and Millie couldn't join Rob and Laura for a night out together, but Jerry was spotted out to dinner with an unknown blonde]
Laura Petrie: But I keep remembering Millie said that the reason they couldn't come with us was because Jerry had a late appointment.
Rob Petrie: So who says that she wasn't his late appointment?
Laura Petrie: At the office?
Rob Petrie: All right, it started at the office and ended up at the restaurant.
Laura Petrie: Hm.
Rob Petrie: Why, it's possible, honey. Maybe he fixed her teeth and took her out to see if they work.

Rob Petrie: I'm not defending Jerry. I am defending the principle that a man is innocent until his wife proves him guilty.

[last lines]
Rob Petrie: I'm no psychologist, but it's not important, really, whether you went five times or six times to see a marriage counselor. The important thing is you have to go at least one more time.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sally and the Lab Technician (#1.3)" (1961)
Laura Petrie: Why hasn't Sally ever married, Rob? I think, as a comedy writer, she'd be fun to be with. She's an attractive girl.
Rob Petrie: Sal's had plenty of boyfriends but she scares 'em off.
Laura Petrie: How?
Rob Petrie: She's too quick with the answers. Guys hate girls who make jokes about everything.
Laura Petrie: Well, you don't mind if I make jokes.
Rob Petrie: Well, I would if you made one every time you opened your mouth.

Laura Petrie: Rob, you know what I was thinking?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, and I'm one hundred per cent against it.

Sally Rogers: Hey, Rob, what's my future husband like?
Rob Petrie: Oh, well, Sal, I don't kn... He's a fella...
Sally Rogers: "He's a fella." Good enough, I'll marry him!

Buddy Sorrell: Hey, where's Sally? Huh?
Rob Petrie: She may be a little late this morning. She worked very hard last night.
Buddy Sorrell: Whadda ya mean "she worked hard?"
Rob Petrie: Well, it isn't easy to carve up a hundred and fifty pound lab technician.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Dear Mrs. Petrie, Your Husband Is in Jail (#3.29)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [on the phone] Charlie? Hi. Listen, I want... Would you like to do anything tonight? You pick... You would? Great, Charlie. Uh, would you like to go to a movie or go bowling? Bowling it is. Great. Hey, listen, I'll pick you up, Charlie. You still live over on North Roxman Drive? I'll pick you up... What do you mean you don't live on Roxman Drive? Do you... Is this Charlie Mandel? Oh, heck no. I'm sorry. I'd... I seem to have a wrong number. Does this, uh... Does that mean you won't go out with me?

Rob Petrie: [talking to himself] I wonder if it's bad talkin' to yourself when you're alone.
Rob Petrie: [answering himself] A lot better than talkin' to yourself when you're NOT alone.

Rob Petrie: Honey, not that cannon! Will you stop jumpin' the gun?

Maureen Core: You gonna see the next show?
Rob Petrie: Well, I might. I'd like to see Benny Joey...
Maureen Core: Well, come on. He's in my dressing room.
Rob Petrie: In your dre... Uh, d'I... Maybe I can come back a little later.
Maureen Core: Oh, it'll be all right. Everybody ends up in my dressing room.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Bad Old Days (#1.28)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: What's so good about ruling the home with an iron hand?
Sally Rogers: Comes in great for cracking walnuts.

Rob Petrie: If I had a nickel for every time I said no to my wife, today...
Buddy Sorrell: You'd have change for a dime.

[Rob answers the front door]
Laura Petrie: [from the kitchen] Who is it, dear?
Rob Petrie: Nobody important, just the neighborhood smart-aleck.
Laura Petrie: Oh, hi, Jerry!

Laura Petrie: You know, you may think of yourself as a brainwashed American male but as far as I'm concerned you're a thoughtful, considerate husband.
Rob Petrie: Yeah - thoughtful, considerate and declining.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Obnoxious, Offensive Egomaniac Etc (#5.26)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Why did you have to type the words in? Isn't saying it enough?
Buddy Sorrell: No, there's somethin' about seeing it in print that's much better than hearing it in spoken.

Rob Petrie: Hey, there's a transom over that door. If it was open, we could crawl through it.
Laura Petrie: Rob, that's burglary.
Rob Petrie: Not technically, honey. We're taking back something we gave Alan. The worst they can call us is Indian givers.
Sally Rogers: Well, anything's better than being called unemployed.
Rob Petrie: Honey, it won't hurt if we just go up there and take a look at the door.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, yeah, Rob. Let's-let's go take a look at the door.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I don't like it.
Buddy Sorrell: What do you mean you don't like it. You didn't even see it. It's a great door.

Rob Petrie: [trying to break into Alan's office] It's locked.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you know something? If one of us were on the other side, we could open it from that side.

Rob Petrie: I tore my shirt on a nail.
Buddy Sorrell: Don't worry about it. I'll get you another shirt.
Laura Petrie: Will you get him another arm?
Buddy Sorrell: No. My policy only covers shirts and clothing.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: To Tell or Not to Tell (#1.8)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: What is he talking about?
Sally Rogers: I don't know, but you know him - behind every silver linging, he finds the cloud.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Rob, listen to me, the first week that you get off, take Laura for a skiing trip.
Rob Petrie: Skiing? What for? Laura can't ski. Heh, she'd break her leg.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah! Boy, you catch on fast!

[Uable to cook dinner, Rob serves bananas]
Ritchie Petrie: Daddy?
Rob Petrie: Hmm?
Ritchie Petrie: When's Mommy coming home?
Rob Petrie: Soon, Rich. Why?
Ritchie Petrie: I like Mommy's banana's better.

Rob Petrie: Well, I think I know my wife well enough to hope that she'll say what I know she thinks that I hope she'll say.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bad Reception in Albany (#5.23)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Forrest, how soon can you fix this set? This show's really important to me.
Forrest Gilly: Oh, I can see that. You're wearin' a tuxedo just to watch it.

Rob Petrie: Gee, if you can't trust an alter boy, who can you trust?

Laura Petrie: Even Reverend Dorman is upset the way you behave, Rob. No one will EVER forgive you.
Rob Petrie: Honey, Reverend Dorman HAS to forgive me.

Rob Petrie: Honey, I know you're upset.
Laura Petrie: I never COULD fool you, could I?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sick Boy and the Sitter (#1.1)" (1961)
Rob Petrie: How's your white satin evening gown?
Laura Petrie: Fine. How's your red flannel bathrobe?

Rob Petrie: I don't think we outta end this week's show with a joke. I'd like Alan to come out and say something with meaning.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Yeah? What kind of meaning?
Rob Petrie: I wrote down a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: What show's he write for?

[Laura thinks Richie might be getting sick; Rob thinks she's overly and unnecessarily concerned]
Rob Petrie: Well, then, how do you know he's sick?
Laura Petrie: Well, there are symptoms.
Rob Petrie: [disbelieving] What symptoms?
Laura Petrie: Well...
Rob Petrie: Come on, I'm the boy's father.
Laura Petrie: He turned down his cupcake.
Rob Petrie: [mocking Laura, exaggeratedly] He turned down his cupcake? And you didn't call an ambulance?

[Late for the party, Rob has just about gotten Laura out to the car]
Janie: Just a minute! What did you say was in the bottom shelf of the refrigerator?
Rob Petrie: Who knows? If it's food, eat it; if it's a phone number, call it.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: My Two Showoffs and Me (#4.13)" (1964)
Laura Petrie: Is there anything wrong in a woman wanting her man to become famous and well-known?
Rob Petrie: No, no. Look what the lady in red did for John Dillinger.

Laura Petrie: You don't get credit or publicity; so, if you got a little of each, you might get a lot more of both.
Rob Petrie: You know something?
Laura Petrie: What?
Rob Petrie: You're no fun to talk to anymore.

Laura Petrie: You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead.
Rob Petrie: Who's THAT?
Laura Petrie: Dwight Heatherton happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity.
Rob Petrie: Well, how do YOU know him?
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, he's famous.

Rob Petrie: We'll do something completely different. We'll do something daring.
Buddy Sorrell: Something daring, huh? Maybe like that leopards sketch that you did last year? It laid a big bomb.
Sally Rogers: Oh, Buddy, it didn't lay such a BIG bomb.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh, no? That week, Russia went to the UN and complained we were doing underground testing.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: There's No Sale Like Wholesale (#4.32)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Did I act too good?
Buddy Sorrell: Don't ask me. I'm still workin' on why the belly is the worst part.

Emil: [asked to try on a fur coat] You wanna see the coat on me?
Rob Petrie: Well, yeah.
Emil: You in show business?
Rob Petrie: Yeah.
Emil: I don't go for that.

Rob Petrie: They know you're not Nunzio's wife.
Laura Petrie: Well, then why do I say "I'm Nunzio's wife?"
Rob Petrie: To identify yourself.
Laura Petrie: Okay, okay. I'm Nunzio's wife. Now, who's Nunzio?
Rob Petrie: He's the guy at the warehouse.
Laura Petrie: I thought he was Tony Morello.
Rob Petrie: Honey, Buddy is Tony Morello. I'm Mr. Zatini. You are Mrs. Vallani.
Laura Petrie: Wait a minute. What's Nunzio's last name?
Rob Petrie: Vallani.
Laura Petrie: Oh, well, then I'm Mrs. Vallani. Who's Rudy?
Rob Petrie: Uh, he's got a wart. That's all I know.

Rob Petrie: Oh, that's not the coat that looked so good on me.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Honeymoons Are for the Lucky (#3.23)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: For going on my honeymoon, the United States Army was almost ready to court martial me.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob.
Millie Crumberbacher: Oh, Laura.
Rob Petrie: Oh, honey.
Sam Pomeroy: Oh, boy.

Rob Petrie: [to Sam] Look, I want to go on that honeymoon with Laura as much as you do.
Laura Petrie: Uh, Rob...?

Rob Petrie: Could you direct me to the bridal suite?
Mrs. Campbell: This is it, ace.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Sol and the Sponsor (#1.29)" (1962)
Ritchie Petrie: Daddy?
Rob Petrie: Huh?
Ritchie Petrie: Do I have to meet Mr. Bermont?
Rob Petrie: No. You'll probably be asleep by then.
Ritchie Petrie: Good. He sounds too clean.

Sol Pomeroy: I bought myself a partnership in a... in a garage in Stanford, Connecticut for sports cars. Ptttt!
Rob Petrie: Sports car?
Sol Pomeroy: Yeah. Nobody drives weapons carriers anymore, Sarge.

Laura Petrie: By the way, what did you think of last week's show?
Henry Bermont: Well, I thought last week's show was very funny.
Rob Petrie: [eager to be agreeable] Boy, so did I.
Henry Bermont: ...if you like slapstick humor.
Rob Petrie: Well, you can overdo it.
Henry Bermont: I of course LIKE slapstick humor.
Rob Petrie: I LOVE it!
Henry Bermont: ...but not on my show.
Rob Petrie: No, not... not on our particular show.
Henry Bermont: Not every week.
Rob Petrie: No, it's too...
Henry Bermont: I like it once in a while.
Rob Petrie: That's me. I like it once in a while.
Laura Petrie: [to the Bermonts] But generally you both enjoy the show?
Henry Bermont: [simultaneously with Martha] Yes, I did.
Martha Bermont: [simultaneously with Henry] No, I didn't.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Buddy, Can You Spare a Job? (#1.14)" (1961)
Laura Petrie: Let me put it this way: I have a happy, semiwell-adjusted husband who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss - and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.
Rob Petrie: Yeah?
Laura Petrie: Yeah. So how about a smile?
[Rob flashes a toothy smile]
Laura Petrie: And a kiss?
[they kiss]
Laura Petrie: That's what I want.
Rob Petrie: Hey - I didn't realize I was such a great smiler and kisser!
[sits down on the bar stool by the kitchen counter]
Laura Petrie: [leans her head on her elbows, looks at Rob at eye level and purrs like a cat] R-r-r-rr-rrr - rrrrr-rr-r.
[smiles]

[Mel has told Rob and Sally, after Buddy had been transferred to a different TV studio, that they can use another third writer for their team besides Buddy]
Rob Petrie: Doggone, if only Buddy hadn't been so nasty.
Sally Rogers: Oh, he couldn't have been nastier if he made a living at it.
Rob Petrie: [thinking] Make a living at it?
[He brightens up]
Rob Petrie: Sally, that's it! Let's hire somebody nastier than Buddy.
Sally Rogers: I thought Jack the Ripper was dead.

[Rob begins dictating a fraudulent letter of dis-recommendation to get Buddy fired by Alan Brady]
Rob Petrie: Dear Mel: There's a situation concerning the writing staff which I believe merits your attention.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wait a minute, you're too polite! D-d... You gotta louse me up more!
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Yes. What you need is some good honest hatred. I'll dictate it: During the past season, Buddy Sorrel has not contributed one idea, joke or fresh thought.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Beautiful. Hey, Sal, tell 'im about how I lay, you now, sleep on the couch all day, that I'm always comin' in late and everything, you know.
Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [continuing] He has been distracting Sally Rogers and myself, and what was once a serviceable talent has deteriorated into an office clown.
Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wonderful! Curly, if I ever want to get sent to the chair, you're gonna be my lawyer.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Curse of the Petrie People (#5.18)" (1966)
Sam Petrie: [explaining the brooch's curse] Well, you see that empty setting there in Pittsburgh? That was Uncle Jonah.
Laura Petrie: Was?
Sam Petrie: Yeah. The stone dropped out, Uncle Jonah dropped dead. Pow.
Rob Petrie: Well, Uncle Jonah was an old man. He was, what, eighty-seven.
Sam Petrie: But he DIED, and that's the important thing.
Clara Petrie: But, Sam, it was six months later.
Sam Petrie: There's nothing more horrible than a slow, LINGERING death.
Clara Petrie: Sam Petrie, one more word out of you and I'm leaving.
Sam Petrie: Threaten me again, Clara, I'll knock my OWN stone out.

Rob Petrie: Well, let's look at it this way, honey: it's not the thought, it's the ugliness behind it.

[Rob finally admits his parents into the house while Mr. Mark the jeweler scoots out]
Sam Petrie: Well, who was that?
Rob Petrie: Uh, duh, delivery boy.
Sam Petrie: Well, why did you slam the door in our faces?
Rob Petrie: Uh... Laura was undressed. I didn't want you to see her.
Sam Petrie: Oh, the delivery boy could see her but we couldn't.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Jilting the Jilter (#2.31)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Rob, I wanna thank you for introducing me to the sweetest, most honest guy I've ever met.
Buddy Sorrell: [to Rob] I thought you told me you introduced her to Freddy White.
Rob Petrie: I did.

Laura Petrie: Well, where'd you two have dinner?
Freddy White: At the Plush Pheasant.
Rob Petrie: Plush Pheasant? That's kind of classy, isn't it?
Freddy White: I hope to kiss a rhino. You know what it cost for dinner for two? Forty-one dollars, not including the tip.
Sally Rogers: Ah, what'd you tell 'em for?
Freddy White: Well, why not? Listen, I've never met a girl before that took me to such expensive places.

Sally Rogers: Hey, does this sound like a murder threat or did I just hear a marriage proposal?
Rob Petrie: I don't know. I think either way you're dead.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Bupkis (#4.24)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Well, what kind of a guy would I be if I went back on my word?
Buddy Sorrell: My kind of guy.

Laura Petrie: Rob, would you just think what we could get with one million pennies?
Rob Petrie: Copper poisoning?

Rob Petrie: When did, uh, Mr. Potter say he'd be back?
Secretary: Well, with him you never know. He's a real operator.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I know. I'm one of his operations.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Hustling the Hustler (#2.5)" (1962)
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Are all you Sorrells as funny as Buddy?
Blackie Sorrell: No, uh... My mother was very strict. She said you can't all be funny. One of you has to be handsome. Well...
[strikes a pose and smiles]
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: You made a wise choice.
Blackie Sorrell: Actually we're all handsome in my family, but Buddy just hides it better than I do.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I see.
Blackie Sorrell: We're all salesmen, too. Buddy sells jokes and I sell real estate.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Hey, you ought to go into business together and sell funny real estate.

Blackie Sorrell: Are you, uh, really as good as she says you are?
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'll let my pool cue speak for me. This way, pigeon.

Blackie Sorrell: Cute wife you have, Rob.
Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No, she's isn't. She just puts that on for company.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Long Nights Journey Into Day (#5.30)" (1966)
Laura Petrie: How's Richie?
Rob Petrie: He broke his pole.
Laura Petrie: I told him to keep it in the car.
Rob Petrie: Well, he did. I sat on it.

Laura Petrie: Darling, here's, uh, Ritchie's worms.
Rob Petrie: Oh.
Laura Petrie: Don't let him play with them on the way up, huh?
Rob Petrie: How does he play with worms?
Laura Petrie: He tries to tie them all together and make one long one.

Laura Petrie: Well, you, uh, just tell Millie she's a nut.
Rob Petrie: [chuckles] That's wouldn't be nice. I'll have Jerry do it.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Like a Sister (#2.8)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Darling, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - I'm a woman.
Rob Petrie: [after Laura exits] I better write that down.

Rob Petrie: Look, all Mel said was there's a change in the show. Maybe the charge'll make you happy.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah? The only charge'd make ME happy 'ould be the firing of all hairless producers that look like potbellied penguins.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, would ya... would ya save the insults, please?
Buddy Sorrell: What for? He's here now.

Buddy Sorrell: [suggestively] Heeeey... Dootle-lee dootle-lee do do do.
Rob Petrie: What do you mean dootle-lee dootle-lee do do do?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Surprise Surprise Is a Surprise (#2.30)" (1963)
[Rob confesses he figured out Laura's plan for a surprise party]
Laura Petrie: You only knew what I wanted you to know.
Rob Petrie: And how's that?
Laura Petrie: Well, I let you know I was planning a surprise birthday party, and my idea was to make it look like no one could come, and then we'd go to a restaurant and have dinner.
Rob Petrie: That's right, and everybody would come to the restaurant... to the dinner party and yell surprise. Honey, I hate to tell you but I knew that was your plan all along.

Laura Petrie: [after kissing Rob] Darling, are you all right?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, I'm just fine. Why do you ask?
Laura Petrie: Well, I know it sounds kind of silly, but, uh... your lips were very cold.
Rob Petrie: [after nervously feeling his own lips] My lips are regular lip temperature. It may be your lips are running a fever.

Sally Rogers: Rob, if she were planning a surprise party, she certainly wouldn't let you hear her inviting everybody.
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, and she wouldn't have you invitin' Mel.
Rob Petrie: No, that's just exactly what she WOULD do. You see, what she's doing, in chess, is called the double-reverse half-truth check-your-mate gamble. I'm gonna play right along with her and let her check her mate, that's all.
Sally Rogers: Well, you may be right, Sebastian, but I think she's employing the old I-planned-to-give-him-a-surprise-party-but-the-rat-found-out-about-it-so-I-changed-my-plans bit.
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, I don't know which one of you guys is right, but there's a free meal in there some place and I'M GOIN'.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Fifty-Two, Forty-Five or Work (#5.14)" (1965)
Buddy Sorrell: Wait a minute. Shh. I think I hear him coming.
Sally Rogers: Who's coming?
Buddy Sorrell: Mel.
Rob Petrie: How do you know it's Mel?
Buddy Sorrell: The footsteps. It's either Mel or Frankenstein.
[Mel enters]
Buddy Sorrell: Hey, we lose. It's Mel.

Mel Cooley: I thought you'd be excited, Rob.
Rob Petrie: Why, I am, I am, but I just got the weirdest feeling.
Buddy Sorrell: [pointing to Mel] I do, too, but it'll go away when he does.

Rob Petrie: I'm just a writer. I don't know anything about human dignity.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Masterpiece (#3.2)" (1963)
Buddy Sorrell: What is it?
Rob Petrie: It's a hookah. You know, Turkish water pipe.
Sally Rogers: Oh.
Buddy Sorrell: Looks like a seltzer bottle with a thyroid condition.

Rob Petrie: I could... I could kick myself.
Buddy Sorrell: Don't do it. The guy'll think you're bidding.

Rob Petrie: All I know is there's an eye there, and where there's an eye there's got to be a face, and if that face is sitting on a rockin' chair sideways, we may have found "Whistler's Father."


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Unwelcome Houseguest (#1.9)" (1961)
[Ritchie is hiding from Buddy's dog, Larry, in a broom closet]
Rob Petrie: [opens closet door] Ritchie, what are you doing in that closet?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie: Eating chocolate pudding.
Rob Petrie: [to Laura] Honey, why do you let the boy eat chocolate pudding in a broom closet?
Laura Petrie: Because you let a wolf eat spaghetti in the garage!

Buddy Sorrell: Well, my wife Pickles and me, we want to go to Niagra Falls on a little honeymoon.
Sally Rogers: Honeymoon?
Rob Petrie: Honeymoon? You've been married for ten years, Buddy. You're just going on a honeymoon?
Buddy Sorrell: We wanted to see how things'd work out before we spent the money.

Rob Petrie: [singing to Larry] Lullaby and good night...
[Larry whimpers]
Rob Petrie: What's the matter? Oh, you're a German shepherd.
[sings "Brahms Lullaby" in German]


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Give Me Your Walls (#2.23)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: You gonna do the whole wall for one little spot?
Laura Petrie: Well, of course. There's no other way.
Rob Petrie: Honey, that's like washing a whole shirt because the collar and cuffs are dirty.

Laura Petrie: Somebody's been cooking in my kitchen.
Rob Petrie: Somebody's been sitting in my chair. And somebody's been drinking out of my cup.

Rob Petrie: He keeps tellin' me I'm the nicest man he ever met.
Laura Petrie: I know. He tells me that, too.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: 4½ (#4.7)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [about Lyle] As a mater of fact, when we first met the guy, he was a holdup man.
Mel Cooley: H-how did you know he was a holdup man?
Rob Petrie: He held us up.

Mel Cooley: You mean you actually became friends with a man who held you up?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, we've been writing to him in prison for years.
Sally Rogers: Yeah, he's sort of a pen pal.

[Having climbed into the elevator shaft, Rob looks for anything that might help him get them all out of their stuck elevator, including messages on the walls]
Rob Petrie: Here's something. "In nineteen hundred and thirty-six, John Freeny laid these bricks. I wanna wish you lots of luck, because if you're reading this you're stuck."


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Last Chapter (#5.32)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Are you ready for a little bit of good news?
Laura Petrie: Yeah, I think so.
Rob Petrie: I heard from the publisher today.
Laura Petrie: Yeah?
Rob Petrie: He hates it, boy!
[laughter]
Rob Petrie: He said it reminded him of about fifty other books.
Laura Petrie: He's kidding.
Sally Rogers: No, no, that's what they said.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: That's right. One editor said it stunk!
Laura Petrie: Well, why is everyone so happy?
Rob Petrie: Because Alan read it and he loved it.
Alan Brady: What do I know from style?
Rob Petrie: Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.
Laura Petrie: [in amazement] Your book's gonna be a television series?
Alan Brady: It's true. Of course, I won't do it till after my series is defunct, which may never be.
Rob Petrie: Yeah, Alan is going to play me.
Sally Rogers: Gee, and the three of us are going to write it and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.
[loud commotion]
Rob Petrie: Wait, hold it, hold it a second. Honey, what do you think?
Laura Petrie: Oh gosh, I don't know what to say - Alan is really going to play you?
Alan Brady: And Rob won't have to shave his head - I'll wear a toupee.

Laura Petrie: I only read the first chapter. Is the rest as good?
Rob Petrie: Honey, it... Better. I improve as I get along. I be... I start to use punctuation, everything.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Alan Brady Show Presents (#3.13)" (1963)
Alan Brady: [surrounded by dancing girls in Christmas outfits] Go ahead, Rob. Tell 'em all about our show.
Rob Petrie: Well, what're YOU gonna do?
Alan Brady: Well, somebody's gotta feed these poor reindeer. Donna, Blitzen, Betty, come on.

Rob Petrie: Someone's kickin' at the door.
Buddy Sorrell: Either that or the termites are takin' dancin' lessons.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Turtles, Ties, and Toreadors (#3.11)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: [phoning Immigration Department] Hey, do you have a pick-up service?

Rob Petrie: [contacting the employment agency] Well, look, uh, she just isn't working out. Well... that... because you didn't mention a few little things, that's why.
Laura Petrie: Like she doesn't speak English.
Rob Petrie: Like she doesn't speak any English at all. And she's got a broken arm. Whadda you mean, why didn't I ask? Why should I ask about a bone?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Cat Burglar (#2.15)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: [discovering Jerry outside his bedroom window carrying a rifle] What in the devil do you think you're DOIN'?
Jerry Helper: Well, uh, Rob, I didn't want to ring the bell and wake up Ritchie.
Rob Petrie: So you decided to shoot a gun off in the room.

Laura Petrie: Now, Lieutenant, my husband doesn't want publicity. He wants his table and chairs.
Rob Petrie: Honey, I know how to say it. Lieutenant, I don't want any publicity. I want my table and chairs.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: When a Bowling Pin Talks, Listen (#2.32)" (1963)
Alan Brady: Who's their sponsor?
Rob Petrie: Crummy Buttons.
Alan Brady: Blaagh!

Rob Petrie: Well, what looks good in the kitchen today, Willie?
Willie: The chef. He just took a bath.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Bird in the Head Hurts (#2.11)" (1962)
Buddy Sorrell: You know why your kid makes up these weird stories about being attacked by big birds?
Rob Petrie: Why?
Buddy Sorrell: 'Cause you live in the suburbs.
Sally Rogers: What're you talking about?
Buddy Sorrell: Well, if he lived in the city like any normal kid, he'd be attacked by a nice street gang.

Rob Petrie: What's he doin' now?
Laura Petrie: Well, he's soaking in the bathtub. It's the only thing that'll keep him quiet.
Rob Petrie: Well, keep him soaking awhile.
Laura Petrie: Oh, I hate to. His fingers and toes are all pruny.
Rob Petrie: Honey, would you rather have him pruny or hysterical?
Laura Petrie: Pruny.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: A Farewell to Writing (#5.2)" (1965)
[Rob thinks he heard the phone ring though it didn't]
Rob Petrie: [now hearing an actual noise] What was that?
Laura Petrie: The refrigerator defrosting. You wanna answer it?

Horace: Take the couple up at the top of the hill, Lola and Francine Shrank. "Artists." Huh! Trouble-makers, that's what they are.
Rob Petrie: Well, what do they do?
Horace: Every year they come into town and break up our square dance.
Rob Petrie: Well, how do they do that?
Horace: They're nudists. It's a darn shame, too. Good dancers.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Stacey Petrie: Part I (#4.17)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: My brother, Bambi, just grew horns.

Rob Petrie: Stacey, if you don't go through with this, you're no brother of MINE!
Stacey Petrie: Can I be your sister?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Sleeping Brother (#1.27)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Hey, Stace!
Stacey Petrie: Hi, ya, Burford!
Rob Petrie: It's show time!
Stacey Petrie: Oh, good! It's show time and I'm my favorite performer!

Sally Rogers: Rob, do you really think your brother will stop walkin' in his sleep if he auditions for Alan tonight?
Rob Petrie: Well, he might, since his doctor thinks that the, uh, somnambulism is a symptomatic manifestation of a compulsive frustration.
Sally Rogers: [to Buddy] You gonna let him talk to me like that?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Too Many Stars (#3.6)" (1963)
Laura Petrie: Rob, why don't you just come out and admit it? She was very very good.
Rob Petrie: All right, she was fantastic. All right, you know, for what she does there.
Laura Petrie: Well, what does THAT mean?
Rob Petrie: Well, Honey, it just means that the whole thing is... is just a trick, that's all.
Laura Petrie: A trick?
Rob Petrie: Well, yeah. She fooled everybody, Honey. You come out and sing great and dance great, people are GONNA think you're talented. She didn't fool me, though. Not for one minute. I saw through her. You take away all that fabulous dancing, all that great singing, what is there left? Nothing but that... haunting beauty.

Rob Petrie: I don't want any more of those sketches about Alan wakin' up in the morning and finding a Saint Bernard in his bed.
Buddy Sorrell: That's the truth. It happened to me.
Rob Petrie: Buddy, you never had a Saint Bernard in your bed.
Buddy Sorrell: No? Did you ever see my wife in the morning? I keep yellin' at her, "Take off that ridiculous cask of brandy!"


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: October Eve (#3.28)" (1964)
Rob Petrie: [trying to figure how Sally's phone call upset Laura] Honey, there... nothing the matter with you? Are you...? You're not gonna have another...
Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob! Would Sally call and tell me THAT?

Sergei Carpetna: [introducing himself] Sergei Carpetna.
Rob Petrie: Oh, you're... oh, you're the, uh, perpetrator of this painting, huh?
Sergei Carpetna: Well, I've never heard it quite expressed that way, but I guess I am, yes.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Love Thy Other Neighbor (#5.29)" (1966)
Fred Staggs: Mary Jane can't get out of the bathtub without me.
Rob Petrie: Why?
Fred Staggs: I forgot to unpack the towels.

[a horn-like sound is heard]
Laura Petrie: What was that?
Rob Petrie: That's stereo feedback - the mating call of two hi-fi bugs who just found each other.
Laura Petrie: And you mated 'em.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Very Old Shoes, Very Old Rice (#3.4)" (1963)
Sally Rogers: Hey, Rob, look, if you're not gonna tell us what you're gonna do tomorrow, tell us anything, even if ya have to lie.
Rob Petrie: All right. I'll tell you the truth, but I just hope both of you aren't hurt because you weren't invited.
Buddy Sorrell: What? Where?
Sally Rogers: Invited to what?
Rob Petrie: Well, tomorrow morning, Laura and I are gonna get all dressed up, and we're going to drive up to... uh, the Bronx Zoo.
Buddy Sorrell: The Bronx Zoo?
Rob Petrie: Yeah, they've... they've got a 40-foot boa constrictor wrapped around a telephone pole, and some of the more prominent citizens have been invited to the unwinding.

Rob Petrie: You ready, Laura?
Laura Petrie: [pointedly] Well, we did drive all the way up. And you ARE missing a morning's work.
Judge Krata: A morning's work?
Laura Petrie: Oh, yes. Uh, my husband's a very important man, very busy at the office. Can't do with out him. I'm very grateful he's giving me THIS much time.
Judge Krata: Are you sure you don't wanna think this over and come back another time?
Rob Petrie: [pointedly] Oh, no, no. We've GOT to go through with it. She promised to many of our neighbors we were getting married today.
Laura Petrie: [through clenched teeth] I didn't tell.
Rob Petrie: [through clenched teeth] Don't hand me that.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Draw Me a Pear (#5.6)" (1965)
Rob Petrie: Honey, what... what do you want?
Laura Petrie: Rob, I just want what YOU want. Now, what do you want?
Rob Petrie: Well, what YOU want.
Laura Petrie: Me, too.
Rob Petrie: Well, good.

Valerie Ware: I'm gonna go change into something more comfortable.
Rob Petrie: Uh-oh.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: What's in a Middle Name? (#2.7)" (1962)
Laura Petrie: Well, do you remember that it was you who was responsible for Ritchie's ending up with a middle name, Rosebud?
Rob Petrie: No, all I can remember is that our parents were pretty unreasonable.
Laura Petrie: They certainly were. But you still didn't have to do what you did.
Rob Petrie: Honey, you forget something - your parents threatened to boycott the baby! I did the only thing I could possibly do to make them all happy.
Laura Petrie: Well, let's see if you can make Ritchie happy with Rosebud for a middle name.
Rob Petrie: Don't worry, I will.
Laura Petrie: Well, if you do, I'll...
Rob Petrie: You'll what?
Laura Petrie: I'll kiss you so hard your teeth will rattle!
Rob Petrie: Good enough! And listen, do a couple of things for me, will you?
Laura Petrie: What's that?
Rob Petrie: Well, when I get home tonight, put out Ritchie's blackboard right about over there.
Laura Petrie: Mm-hmm.
Rob Petrie: And, uh, you'd better get me a dental appointment because there's going to be a lot of loose teeth around here tonight.
[smiles and kisses her]
Rob Petrie: Bye.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: How to Spank a Star (#3.24)" (1964)
Paula Marshall: [seductively] Rob, I wasn't joking when I said I'd like you to produce for me.
Rob Petrie: T'oh, well...
Paula Marshall: You'd like to, wouldn't you?
Rob Petrie: Well, it isn't that, Miss Marshall.
Paula Marshall: "Miss Marshall" - why so formal?
Sally Rogers: [aside to Buddy] Oh, boy. Watch the Marshall Plan go into action.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Buddy Sorrell Man and Boy (#5.22)" (1966)
Rob Petrie: Boy, you're pretty perky. You must have got a good night's sleep, huh?
Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, slept like a log. I must've. I woke up this morning, I was in the fireplace.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: The Twizzle (#1.23)" (1962)
Rob Petrie: Now how do you set out to invent a new dance craze?
Randy Twizzle: I didn't. I set out to buy a hamburger.
Rob Petrie: That sounds logical.


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Empress Carlotta's Necklace (#1.12)" (1961)
Ritchie Petrie: A genuine rock? Oh, boy! Thanks!
Sam Petrie: All that happiness for just a rock? What does he do when you bring him a present?
Rob Petrie: Exactly the same thing, just as long as I bring him something. I got him trained that way. Matter of fact, I got his momma trained the same way. You should have seen the big kiss I got last night.
Sam Petrie: You brought her a rock, too?


"The Dick Van Dyke Show: Who and Where Was Antonio Stradivarius? (#3.7)" (1963)
Rob Petrie: Boy, do I feel married today.