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Quotes for
Det. Insp. Jack Regan (Character)
from "The Sweeney" (1975)

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Sweeney! (1977)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Shut it!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You've slept with him too?
Bianca Hamilton: Oh Christ! Don't start that again! Yes, often. Separately and together. Sometimes with an audience and sometimes...
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Shut it!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Remember, no guns unless they use 'em.

[arresting an armed robber at the end of a very violent punch-up]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: All right, Tinkerbell. You're nicked!

[Carter pulls out a packet of cigarettes and puts one in his mouth]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Sorry, Guv, I've only got one left.
[Regan takes the cigarette out of Carter's mouth and puts it in his own]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I only *want* one.
[Regan fumbles for his lighter]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You got a light?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Nope.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Bastard.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Leave it alone!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Stan Morris? Leave it aht! He couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: ...now, sod off!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Now listen, little lord spymaster: you may be Special Branch but that doesn't make you God almighty!

Det. Sgt. George Carter: Do you know what, Jack? You're full of shit.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I thought it was about time you made an intellectual contribution to this debate.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Bollocks.

[Carter walks out]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Sod it!

[Regan hears a police siren]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Oh shit!

[talking about McQueen]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: He should be locked up in the bloody Tower.
PPS to Baker: That's exactly where MI5 have got him - the Tower Hotel.

Det. Sgt. George Carter: Jack you're full of shit. Bollocks, you're pissed off because they didn't go down on their hands and knees to you at Fulham - "Ah it's Jack Regan, mastermind of the Sweeney police come to help us out" - and you've bored me all night tryin' to prove otherwise!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well you don't have to stay, you know!
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Too bleedin' right I don't. See ya!


"The Sweeney: Abduction (#1.13)" (1975)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: SHUT IT!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I sometimes hate this bastard place! It's a bloody holiday camp for thieves and weirdos - all the rubbish. You age prematurely trying to sort some of them out. Try and protect the public, and all they do is call you fascist. You nail a villain and some ponced-up pinstripe Hampstead barrister screws it up like an old fag-packet on a point of procedure, then pops off for a game of squash and a glass of madeira. He's taking home thirty grand a year, and we can just about afford ten days in Eastbourne and a second-hand car. It's all bloody wrong, my son.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: The hairs on my wooden leg tell me that something is up.

[Regan and Carter find Stanley Proctor's body lying on the floor of his ransacked shop]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: They really laid into him.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Poor little bastard.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [bitterly and sarcastically] He was sixty-three, five foot four and asthmatic - he must have *really* given them a bad time.

Kate Regan: I still love you, Jack. And I still hate you. Well, not you, maybe - the job.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You can't separate a man from his work, Kate.
Kate Regan: That's the trouble.

[Regan has arrested Brenda for kidnapping his daughter]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Have you any idea what you've done to her mother? She could end up in a psychiatric ward because of you.
Brenda: [lamely] Sorry.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [angrily] Sorry? Too bloody late for that! If you were Alan Foss, I'd take you somewhere quiet and I'd make sure you never walked straight again!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: People like you and Foss make me laugh. I find you both about as funny as a broken leg.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'm gonna nail these pigs, and God help them when I do.

Det. Sgt. George Carter: [Looking at a wilted plant of Regan's] Hey, you haven't been waterin' this, have yah?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [Dryly] They don't like scotch.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Knowles] You couldn't find an Irishman in a Harp factory.

Det. Sgt. George Carter: Look, how do you want to play this?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: The way it comes.

Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Jack, I didn't understand.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: At least you listened.

Det. Sgt. George Carter: It's dated today... coincidence?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I don't believe in coincidence when a man's been murdered.


"Armchair Cinema: Regan (#1.2)" (1974)
Miriam: You don't drink on duty?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Only scotch!

[breaking into a suspect's house and rousing him from his bed]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Get your trousers on - you're nicked!

Annie: Will I see you tonight?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: No.
Annie: Tomorrow night?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Definitely.
Annie: Oooh. One night in nine. Not bad. Who gets you the other eight?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'm sorry, Annie. I've got a big job on.
Annie: Is that right? Tell me, Jack, when do you ever have a *small* job on?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Tomorrow night, I promise.
Annie: Knockout. I'll run home now, get into my negligee and wait by the window.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You heard the latest brainwave?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: No.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Flying Squad, Robbery Squad, Regional Crime Squad - all amalgamated into one sprawling mess. There'll be hundreds of little grey men, all working on top of each other, pots of tea and committees. I'm one of the best DIs in the Squad, d'you know that? They don't listen to me - they listen to committee men now.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Cowley's dead. The doctors say they can't make a case about which injuries killed him - the beating or the car. Yeah, it means we can't even do the bastards for murder.

[Cowley lived with his grandmother. Regan has just been to break the news to her that he is dead]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: How did she take it?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: D'you know something? That old lady's got no reason to go on living now. Whoever killed Cowley killed *two* people.

[Regan and Carter go to interview Morton at the ice rink]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It's a bit cold in here.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [sarcastically] That's cos of the ice.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Thanks. How many O levels have you got?

[Regan and Carter are interviewing Morton]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Now you worked for Mallory so you know the score. I want to ask you some questions; you don't want to answer them. So up-front I'll lay it on: this is a colleague of mine. He hits people. Isn't that right, colleague?
[Carter tries to look frightening]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: He's got a miracle technique. D'you wanna see it?
Morton: What d'you wanna know?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Mallory's got a house in the country, hasn't he?
Morton: No.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Carter] Hit 'im!
[Carter pushes Morton against the wall. Morton reluctantly gives the information that Regan wants]

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'd like you to answer a few questions.
Tusser: As a general rule I don't do that kind of thing.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You say you get six months off for good behaviour. I'm saying "what good behaviour?". You just hit me. That means the full eighteen months plus an additional sentence for assaulting a police officer.
Tusser: I haven't hit you.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: No, no. My sergeant's gonna hit me, but I'm gonna say you hit me.
Tusser: You'd pull that one, eh?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You know I would. Now you're going to give me information. I'm going to go away and check it. And if it's wrong I'm going to come back and you're going to hit me again. And you're going to get another three years.
Tusser: You bastard.
[Regan grins]

[Regan has just arrested Dale for murdering Mallory and Cowley. He looks at the tax disc on Dale's car]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: This stinking heap is licensed till March. It's April the twentieth. I'll have you for that, an' all!

Det. Chief Supt. Maynon: This afternoon I ordered you to be suspended, pending disciplinary charges.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [drily] So I hear.
Det. Chief Supt. Maynon: You'd done a fairish job. Serious Crime Squad had twenty men on it and they'd no idea he was dead. And you got Dale for that and for killing Cowley. Poor Cowley. He was roaming around out there, not writing reports, not communicating with anybody - *your* responsibility. But just like you roam around out there.
[Regan looks uncomfortable]
Det. Chief Supt. Maynon: Jack, the days of one-man bands are over now we're in an orchestra. Every move you made could have been made with the necessary authority, tact and diplomacy. As it is, you've made SCS look like fools and Laker your sworn enemy. And, what's most important, you could have ended up dead like Cowley.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [defiantly] Did I get the result?
Det. Chief Supt. Maynon: You're a gambler, Jack. You played a long shot and it came up. That's why we're ringing the changes. No more lone rangers. From now on you'll be one two-hundredth part of any successful case - not the hero of the hour. I have a feeling you're not going to buy this. But think about it. And I'll think about you. Somehow we've got to find a way of making you work as part of a team. Or go away - get right out of it.

[Dale's henchmen are waiting for him to give the order to shoot Regan. Regan tells Dale that Carter would kill him in that case, but Dale calls his bluff]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Dale's henchmen] We're the Sweeney! We kill him - nothing! You kill us - thirty years!


"The Sweeney: Ringer (#1.1)" (1975)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: We're the Sweeney, son, and we haven't had any dinner - you've kept us waiting. So unless you want a kicking, you tell us where those photographs are.

Bernard Driscoll: Gentlemen, occasionally I do a little favour for Mr Kemble. Track tip, business gossip - that's all.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: What favours have you done him recently?
Bernard Driscoll: Told you - I owed him money?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: What for?
Bernard Driscoll: A motor I bought for my old lady. Already she's scratched it and the dog's spewed up in the back. Why did Adam ever bite that apple?

[to Bernard Driscoll]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [threateningly] I'm gonna drown you in your own sweat if I find out you're involved!

[Carter is eating a pot of yoghurt. Regan looks on in disgust]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: D'you eat much of that?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: About three a day.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Yuk.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [conspiratorially] Listen, this old Bubble told me it was an aphrodisiac. My wife won't buy it. So I get it delivered secretly - in handy thirty-gallon drums!

[Kemble tries to flee from the scene of the robbery by car. Suddenly Regan appears and points his gun at Kemble's head]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [menacingly] Switch off! Or they'll collect your head in a pillow-case.

Jenny Peters: Do all coppers have cold hands?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Only the randy ones.

Edi Driscoll: Hey, how's that goldfish?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Next door's cat got it.

[last lines]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Jenny] I forgot to lock your car.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to "Stupid Hawes", who won't tell him where the photographs are] I don't like wasting time on rubbish like you, son!

Commander: Hey, you'd better make it, Jack, or I will personally bury you.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Thanks. Do you want the heads mounted? On the wall?
[leaves the Commander's office]
Commander: Comedian.

Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Who the hell do you think you're talking to, Regan?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Do you want me to answer that?


"The Sweeney: Night Out (#1.6)" (1975)
Iris Long: You wouldn't cross the street to say hello to me if I lay naked on a zebra crossing.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Look, Iris, the world does not revolve round your body - this bloke Gallileo proved it: it goes round the sun.

[Regan has been summoned to a meeting with Superintendent Grant on his day off. DS Jellineck is taking him to Grant's office]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [sarcastically] I really appreciate this, Sergeant. I was going to be spending a dull afternoon watching Fulham play.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: How long have you worked for Superintendent Grant?
Det. Sgt. Jellineck: Six months. For my money he's the best superintendent a DS could have.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: There *is* a certain amount of wastage amongst his personnel. I mean his men keep dying on him. It's pretty dangerous working for Grant, isn't it?
Det. Sgt. Jellineck: We have the highest arrest rate in the Met.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Yeah - cardiac arrest.

[talking about Grant]
Det. Sgt. Jellineck: Sometimes I think he's his own worst enemy.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [grimly] Not while I'm around!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Get dressed.
Iris Long: All right. What do you think I should wear? Something inexpensive cos of the bullet holes? Or something dark so it doesn't show the blood?

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Stop pretending you're on the bloody game. You'd *like* to be, but you don't have the application. Why don't you just rest on your reputation as a good lay, and leave it at that.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [angrily to Grant] This is just another of your crap-up schemes that sen many a keen young jack to his grave! Well, I'm havin' nothin' to do with it! Nothin'!

Iris Long: You're getting hysterical.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'm not gettin' hysterical. I'm gettin' trrified.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: All right, you tell m why I'm here.
Iris Long: Because you wanted to combine business with pleasure. That's plain, isn't it?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Look, Iris, the world does not revolve around your body. This bloke Galileo proved it goes round the sun.


"The Sweeney: The Placer (#1.7)" (1975)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Haskins is doing for the Sweeney what the Boston Strangler did for door-to-door salesmen!

Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: You were involved in a robbery.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: How else am I expected to get close? Put a small ad in Villains News?

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I knew a feller, once. He was so mean, when he caught crabs he wouldn't kill 'em - he thought they were money spiders.

[talking about the provincial police]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: We mustn't upset the provincial boys - bunch of ballerinas!

Fran: I've got a good memory for figures.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [Eyeing Fran] So do I.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [Referring to Rawlins] He thinks I.Q.'s Italian for inside leg measurement.

Harry Poole: Fran tells me you're interested in makin' a bit o' money.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well, who isn't?
Harry Poole: I mean REAL money.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Is there any other sort?

[last lines]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Jack Regan, this is your life.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Haskins] Lay it on me, you always do. Monday's always "Kick Jack Regan" day.


"The Sweeney: Taste of Fear (#3.5)" (1976)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: The first hairy one I was on - you know, shooters etc - there was a real old sweat. "Weren't you nervous?" somebody asked him afterwards. "Nah!" he says. "Not even a little bit?" "Nah! Funny thing is, though, some bugger peed my pants."

[Regan and Carter have just found DS Hargreaves sobbing in a phone box after he panicked and deserted his colleagues during a shoot-out with Cook and Ames]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: What happens to him now?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Chief Medical Officer. If he's lucky, he'll end up helping old ladies across the street.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: It's a hard world, Guv.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Yeah, but keep it to yourself, George. No-one else wants to know.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: 'Ere, George. This jacket. Does it fit?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: You got a new bird or something?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Is it all right?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Here and there, yeah. How much did you pay for that whistle?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Forty quid.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Forty quid? You know you could have got a new one for that, don't you? No seriously, guv. If you ever want to get rid of it, I'll buy it off you.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Really?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Yeah, really.
[pause]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: My mum's dog needs something to sleep on, you see!
[Jack throws his sandwiches at George]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You git!

[Regan has just heard that Hargreaves has beaten up Tug Wilson, and is giving him a bollocking for it]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: There's a routine. There's a reason. You *talk* - you don't kick their tripes in!
Det. Sgt. Robert Hargreaves: They'll laugh at you. It's the toecap they understand.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Oh, you're a right one, you are. You kick the daylights out of some cheapskate petty crook who wouldn't say "boo" to a goose. But when you're on a *real* job - when we *need* you to come out fighting - you lose your bottle!

[after being reprimanded by Haskins for failing to catch Cook and Ames at the caravan site]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Do I write my statement, then get drunk? Or get drunk and then write it?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Why not just get drunk.

[talking about Hargreaves]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: The man doesn't swear, he doesn't drink - or when he does drink, it's cider... in halves.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: He's a cricketer.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Yeah, I was coming to that. And a pound to a penny, he's a God-botherer.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Well with his size, you see, his prayers don't have to go far!

Benny: Have you ever seen a pocket that deep?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Only on a Scotsman!

[Jack is telling Haskins that he failed to capture Tim Cook]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: George Carter got stabbed.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Stabbed?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: With a fork...
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Anyone eating with it at the time ?


"The Sweeney: Thin Ice (#1.3)" (1975)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Did anyone recall Thorpe?
DS Matt Mathews: From the dogs' home, you mean?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Yeah, you did put Thorpe onto the kennels, didn't you?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Yeah, but you haven't told me to take him off.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Yeah I know I didn't tell you to, but I can't think of everything, can I?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Sorry, Guv. I just got so carried away with this caper.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well what were your last instructions to him?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Wait there till he was relieved.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: How long ago was that?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [sheepishly] Three days.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: There are some times, George, when I believe you're incapable of looking after a potted plant, let alone personnel.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Tell me. I don't suppose you go out with married men.
Secretary: Only for money.

Charlie Norton: It was the night I got out. I came home...
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Is that your opening part? "It was the night I got out"?
Charlie Norton: Isn't that what I said?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Yeah, but come on, Charlie. You can do better than that.
DS Matt Mathews: Where were you the night you came out?
Charlie Norton: I was on the town, wasn't I? Celebrating. And I came home and there she was in bed, lying there with nothing on but a mink coat. "God," I said, "where did you get that?"
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: All right, Charlie, skip that bit. Tell us what happened on the night of the killing.
Charlie Norton: I'm leading up to it!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Yeah, like a 19th-century novellist, three hundred boring pages.

[Regan finds out that Bishop's dog is gone]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Are you telling me it clipped its way through a barbed-wire fence? It's a bleedin' dog, Thorpe! Next, you'll be saying it was all blacked up with a beret on its head.

Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: I had an electronic surveillance device on test. It's disappeared. Matthews said you took it.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Yeah, that's right, guv. I locked it on the bottom of Moose's Range Rover.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Oh, all right. Where's the Range Rover now?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well that's the point. It's disappeared. Right here.
[Regan points at a spot on a map]
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: With my ESD?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: That's right, guv.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: You lost my ESD? Have you any idea how much those things cost?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Wait a minute. I haven't lost it, guv'nor. It lost itself. After all, it's supposed to be unlosable. That's the whole point of the machine, isn't it? Gives off these little bleeps so you can tell where it's going.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: It cost a fortune.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Look, we were asked to evaluate it. Well, I just evaluated it. In fact, I can give you my considered verdict: it's useless. We've lost the Moose, and the dog, and the machine.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [Referring to Bishop] I want him back!
Det. Supt. Pringle: And how are you going to do that?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Any way I can!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Carter] There are some times, George, when I think you're incapable of looking after a potted plant, much less personnel.


The Sweeney (2012)
DI Jack Regan: Have you got big bollocks? Have you? You got big fucking nuts? Lets have a look at them.

DI Jack Regan: We've gotta flop on that jug that Harry was talking about.

DC Nancy Lewis: Don't give him a reason to look up your skirt.
DI Jack Regan: As long as he ain't looking up your skirt.

DC Nancy Lewis: You look excited.
DI Jack Regan: Sorry it's your tits.
DC Nancy Lewis: They don't stick out as much as your belly.
DI Jack Regan: What you saying? I gotta lose a bit of weight?
DC Nancy Lewis: As long as you don't lose your charm as well.
DI Jack Regan: I suppose I could lose a couple of kilos for you.
DC Nancy Lewis: Oh I'm touched.
DI Jack Regan: I wish I fucking was.
DC Nancy Lewis: You're about to be.
DI Jack Regan: Yeah?
DC Nancy Lewis: Yeah. Here we go. Oh! Eyes on the road!

[Carter chases an armed robber and, after grappling with him, slams him against a partition wall in an office. As the robber draws a knife, two arms suddenly punch through the wall and grab the robber by the neck. Cut to a shot of Regan on the other side of the wall]
DI Jack Regan: [menacingly] We're the Sweeney, shithead. You're nicked!

[last lines]
DI Jack Regan: [to Francis Allen] You're nicked.


"The Sweeney: Poppy (#2.8)" (1975)
[talking about suspects' alibis]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: D'you know where Toerag Smith said he was? "Seeking spiritual guidance"! He was with some hippy slag in Leicester.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Lucky Toerag!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You'll end up in an oxygen tent!

[Daniels walks into the office carrying a package]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Oi, what you got under yer arm?
DS Tom Daniels: Hairs, Guvnor. What you got under yours?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Comedian!

[Carter and his driver, Stan, walk into the office, dejected because they were tailing Mrs Labbett, but have lost her]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Oh, here they come - Handsome and Gristle!

[Vic Labbett has escaped. Daniels and his men are standing around aimlessly instead of giving chase]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Where the hell is he?
DS Tom Daniels: I think he went over there, Guv.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well, what are you doing standing around looking like a motorway breakfast? Get going!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Carter] I'd have done better with half-a-dozen old-age pensioners!

Sterndale: Sherry?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: No thank you, Sir. I'm on duty.
Sterndale: I seem to remember that you were a whisky drinker.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: A little water, no ice, thank you.


"The Sweeney: Hard Men (#4.2)" (1978)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It's just our sense of humour, Jock.
DS Davy Freeth: And the next bastard that calls me Jock gets his head knocked off!

[watching DS Freeth arrive off the train from Glasgow]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: What's he carrying? What's that in his hand?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It's his breakfast, innit?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: I thought they ate porridge.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well they used to - until they discovered that it was healthy.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: There's only been a break-in at Windsor Castle.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: They haven't nicked the corgis?

DS Davy Freeth: Where I come from, we don't batter down doors without a warrant.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Where you come from, they batter everything from fried fish to their bleeding grandmothers.


Sweeney 2 (1978)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: No DOGS. The last time we had dogs, they bit every man present but the villains.
[pause]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I think they train them to bite squad officers.
Soames: That's not true, sir.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Will you belt up, Soames. Who fuckin' asked you?

[McKyle is defending Superintendent Jupp on corruption charges. Regan refuses to testify as a character witness for Jupp]
McKyle: [pompously] My client is a distinguished police officer with whom you had a close working relationship for the past three years.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Your client is so bent that it's been impossible to hang his pictures straight on the office wall for the past twelve months!
McKyle: Isn't there such a thing as loyalty?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Loyalty is like a girdle: it should stretch two ways.

[while helping Carter to arrest a man at a brewery for poisoning the beer with arsenic, Llewellyn has got very drunk on the brewery's produce]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Carter] Well I always said you couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery. Seems I was wrong.

[to relieve the boredom during a stakeout, Llewellyn is watching busty young women walk past]
Llewellyn: Oooh. Look at that. Shouldn't be allowed. Fancy showing out in weather like this. Look, there's another one. Why does her mum give her a raincoat?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Why don't you belt up?
Llewellyn: It's a combination of nerves and smoking too much - I get this hard-on like a milk-bottle.


"The Sweeney: Jigsaw (#1.5)" (1975)
[MP Hilary Elkin has made an official complaint to Haskins that Regan has been harrassing Eddie Boyse]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: He's put the wind up Haskins. He's been running with two legs in the one knicker ever since.

[talking about Eddie Boyse]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: He's got the Church and the Palace of Westminster on his side. Who have you got?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: My mum. She thinks I'm a genius!

Det. Sgt. George Carter: Excuse me for asking, guv'nor, but what the hell are we doing here?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Revisiting the scene of the crime. Don't you ever go to the pictures?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Well yeah, but there's something about Clint Eastwood that make it enjoyable.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'll drink with any fella. It's the best way to find out what's goin' on.


"The Sweeney: Faces (#2.2)" (1975)
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: I've just been with the Assistant Commissioner.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [smirking] Not, I trust, in the biblical sense!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Carter, who has brought him his coffee, after drinking it] What is this, liquid concrete?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Yeah.

[last lines]
Major Carver: Must go. Toodle pip.
[leaves Haskins' office]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [quietly to himself] Bastard.


"The Sweeney: Stay Lucky Eh? (#2.9)" (1975)
[Regan arrives at work looking very rough]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [sarcastically] It's nice to see you so fresh and awake, Guvnor.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Someone put something in my drink last night.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: What?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Alcohol!

Det. Sgt. George Carter: Well I'd better get after Tommy Llewellyn, then.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Watch him. He's a weirdo - and he's hard enough to roller-skate on.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: I'd better get my skates on, then.

[Regan sees Herbie Mew's brand new transistor radio just after Vincent Vaughan has fired his gun at it as a threat]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [sarcastically] It's not working Herbie. Have these bullet holes got anything to do with it?


"The Sweeney: One of Your Own (#4.10)" (1978)
[Carter is going undercover as a prisoner in Wormwood Scrubs and is working out his cover story]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: All right, then, what have I been nicked for?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [laughing] You're the Fulham Flasher, aren't you?

[Regan has picked up Jenny in a pub. They are now in bed]
Jenny: Have you got a uniform? You know - policeman's set.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'm a detective, love - plain clothes. Is it important?
Jenny: No, not really.
[pause]
Jenny: [seductively] I've got a helmet.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Lucky you.
Jenny: Tomorrow, d'you think we could... you know... while you're wearing it?

[Carter has just discovered that Regan has spent the night with Jenny, who was originally Carter's date]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [sheepishly] Well say something, George.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [indignantly] Like what? "Rank has its privileges", Sir?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [apologetically] Look, turn it in, George. I swear to ya, mate, *she* pulled *me*.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [sarcastically] Yeah of course she did.


"The Sweeney: Bad Apple (#3.6)" (1976)
Det. Sgt. George Carter: I'm trying to lose some weight.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Listen, if you're really serious about that, you ought to try the onion diet.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: I'm trying to lose a few pounds - not all my friends!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You haven't got any friends.

[Huke has been exposed as a corrupt policeman]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: What you did, what you are, turns my guts. Every copper on every beat has to pay for you, has to live you down.

[after a long chase along the river and through the lock-keeper's garden, Regan finally grabs hold of Perraut]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [sarcastically] Nice to meet you - at long last!


"The Sweeney: Big Spender (#1.11)" (1975)
[Barry Smith has just crashed his car and is seriously injured after being chased by Regan and Carter. In his car they find a case containing £10,000 in cash]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: One thing, Guv. How are we going to explain all this to Haskins?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: With long words and a dead straight face.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to Wardle] Why don't you cut and run?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [laughably, pointing at a pair of high heeled shoes that Wardle is wearing] What, in those shoes?

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [shouting out to Charley Smith, after having been shot at by him] We're armed as well, ya know, Smith!


"The Sweeney: Jackpot (#1.2)" (1975)
[talking about Biggleswade who has stolen money to pay for his daughter's medical treatment]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: He's just another bastard, but with some bottle.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Yeah, I know. But I can't help taking my hat off to him.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: If he'd have had a gun that day, he'd have taken your hat off - and your head with it!

Harry Biggleswade: [Referring to the search of his parents' apartment] I'll bet you left a lookin'-around mess.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: He left it as we found it - the right mess.

Doctor: [to Carter about Reagan] See, he's his own bloody worst enemy.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Not as long as you are around, Doc.


"The Sweeney: Golden Boy (#1.9)" (1975)
[Regan and Carter have taken Harry Fuller in for questioning because they want to know how he has got all the cash that he has been buying drinks with. He is blind drunk and incoherent and has thrown up on Carter's jacket. Now they are letting him go]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: There's just one more thing, Harry. Forget about your own problems and put the nation first - have a bath!

[Regan and Carter have taken Mr Bradshaw, the auditor, to the pub with the express aim of getting him too drunk to work]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: When he came in, he was drinking lemonade. Now he's on doubles.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Trebles.
DC Jimmy Thorpe: He said he didn't drink. He won't be much use like that.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [grinning] Oh yes he will. The sky should fall in any minute, then we can send him off home.

[Carter and Fred have just finished changing the wheel after a puncture. Regan sees Deller running away, leaps into the car and chases after him]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Hello. Mr Deller. You are in good shape, aren't you. My name's Regan, Flying Squad. I think you'd better stop. It'll be better for both of us. You're nicked and I'm not authorized or insured to drive this car.


"The Sweeney: Tomorrow Man (#3.4)" (1976)
[Regan and Carter have been sitting in the car for ages, staking out Burnham's office. Nothing has happened]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: If we sit here, patiently, sooner or later someone with a naughty mind's going to come along and pay him a visit. When that happens...
Det. Sgt. George Carter: ...We'll be too old to get out of the car!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Exactly.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Grey saw Burnham, all right.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: How d'you know that?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I was nice to the tea lady.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: You naughty old policeman!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: She was a naughty old tea lady!

[Regan is reading a computer manual]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It says here "The cursor will guide the operator..." What's a cursor?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Someone we nick for obscene language.


"The Sweeney: Trust Red (#4.4)" (1978)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: D'you know where Red is?
Jo: You never stop, do you?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Stop?
Jo: You're like a little clockwork ferret - wind you up, point you in the right direction and off you run.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I stop when they stop. That's the the name of the game.

[the previous day, when a villain threatened Regan with a broken bottle, Regan froze for a moment. Now he wonders if he is getting too old to do the job]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'm overweight - you know that, George?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Is this strictly relevant?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I drink too much, I smoke too much. Most of the time I sit on my arse, and when I'm not doing that, I'm chasing after some lunatic whose sole intention, given half the chance, is to smash me bloody head in.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: That is, if you manage to get there on time.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Right.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: You're not still going on about the other day, are you?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It happened, though, didn't it? And d'you know why?
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [humourously] Your trousers fell down!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Consequences, George. For one split second I thought of the consequences. For one split second I looked at that bottle in his hand, and I thought "If he uses that and I'm too slow...".


"The Sweeney: Thou Shalt Not Kill (#2.13)" (1975)
[Haskins arrives on the scene. Wands is dead and Monks is cradling him in his arms]
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: How did it happen?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It happened the minute you gave in to them. If you'd have ordered us to fire when you had the chance, Dowland would still be alive, that girl's face wouldn't be scarred for life, a policeman wouldn't have been smashed up - and more important, the chances of a villain ever taking hostages again would be a lot less than they're gonna be now.

[looking at Wands' body]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: This guy Wands was always gonna take a piece of the world with him.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Well he certainly took out more than he left in.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: He was handed it on a plate. *We* gave him his inch... and he took his mile.


"The Sweeney: Down to You, Brother (#3.9)" (1976)
Raymond Meadows: Lot rougher nowadays, so they tell me.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Oh yes. Criminal classes have gone to the dogs.

Det. Sgt. George Carter: As far as C-11 are concerned, he's absolutely kosher.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [scornfully] Meadows? He's as kosher as butter on a ham sandwich!


"The Sweeney: Feet of Clay (#4.9)" (1978)
[an Arab called Abdul has been beaten up and robbed]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Where had you been?
Abdul: Gambling.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Oooh. Who's a naughty Abdul. You wait till Allah hears about this.

[watching a home movie of Paul Ember driving a speedboat on a river]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: That's Paul's eighteenth birthday present. I used to have one of those... in my bath!
Det. Sgt. George Carter: You're only saying that because you know we didn't have a bath.


"The Sweeney: Stoppo Driver (#1.10)" (1975)
[last lines]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: They say if you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined.

Brian Cooney: Hang about.
[a man with a briefcase chained to his wrist walks by]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: That's no blagger, that's Mr Bun with the bread.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Oh, shut up.


"The Sweeney: Trap (#2.6)" (1975)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Hold you lot up to the light - not a brain in sight!

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I'll never make chief inspector... but I'm still a bloody good DI.


"The Sweeney: Nightmare (#4.5)" (1978)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You are about to sit the final examination for the Chinese civil service. They had only one question and no time limit. *Tell me all you know!*

[Regan is in hospital after being temporarily blinded by the laser sight on a machine gun. George, Haskins and Jane have gone to see him]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Got a fag, George?
Jane: Smoking in bed is dangerous.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: *Everything* he does in bed is dangerous!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [looking at Jane] Not half as dangerous as what she does!


"The Sweeney: Cover Story (#1.8)" (1975)
[before learning that Sandy Williams is an attractive woman, Regan has formed an impression of her based on her name above a magazine article]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Who the bleeding hell does this Sandy Williams think he is? Scotch Welsh git!

[Jack has taken Sandy Williams out for dinner, supposedly to question her]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: How was last night?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well, from a legal point of view, we both committed a breach of the peace, were drunk and disorderly, used offensive language to three pedestrians, littered the Queen's highway to the extent of one empty champagne bottle and damaged a dustbin while reversing to park. From a human point of view,
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [cockney accent] we 'ad a bloody good night, Your Worship.
Det. Sgt. George Carter: Find out a lot about her?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [smirking] Yeah!


"The Sweeney: Country Boy (#2.12)" (1975)
[after his earlier failure to locate the robbers, and his quip about having to ride in the car boot, Keel is back in Regan's good books because he has just found the robbers' hideout and the kidnapped engineer]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Good job you've got your own car - you'd probably be riding on the bonnet of mine!

[Earlier in the day, Keel unwittingly annoyed Regan by getting into the front seat of the car, which is normally reserved for the senior officer - Regan. Now he has failed to locate the robbers]
Det. Sgt. David Keel: Got the key to the boot?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: What for?
Det. Sgt. David Keel: After this lot, it's where I'm going to be travelling.


"The Sweeney: Messenger of the Gods (#4.1)" (1978)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Look, slag! I don't give a toss who you have in your bed, but don't you try and run your numbers on me!

[to Charlie Pearce, a local villain]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [menacingly] You don't know what it's like in the nick do you? You can't breathe for the stink of sweaty bodies, stale food and slop-outs. It's horrible, Charlie. And then there's the noise: doors slamming, keys rattling, yard boots on the cat-walk, the tannoy blaring out all day, every day, Charlie. And when they bang you up for the night, there's some hairy great con wanting you to be "nice" to him. You'll love that, Charlie. And when you come out you've got form. No-one wants to know you, Charlie. You can't get a job. No one will give you a room. You're a social leper. Villains use you. Coppers put you in the frame. You're usually back inside within a 12-month.


"The Sweeney: Latin Lady (#4.12)" (1978)
Det. Chief Supt. Braithwaite: The good old days are gone forever. You can't keep villains banged up while you decide what to stick on them. Not any more.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You can if your governors back you up.

Christobel Delgado: His pride would not allow him to take money from me.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It didn't stop him trying to it from someone else.


"The Sweeney: Contact Breaker (#1.12)" (1975)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: That computer needs a new set of marbles.

Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [Stopping in front of the bank] Look familiar?
Danny Keever: The only bank I ever did was a piggy bank.


"The Sweeney: Pay Off (#3.10)" (1976)
[Regan is ordering another round of drinks]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Same again, Guv?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: No, no. I must be off. I've got this cold to nurse.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [to barmaid] Same again - but no sherry this time.


"The Sweeney: Victims (#4.13)" (1978)
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: What's wrong, Frank?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: How d'you mean?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: You. You're falling part.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Rubbish!
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It's not rubbish. You're walking through it. Is there something wrong?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: I've got a lot on.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Nah. There's more to it than that.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Look, I've got a Board coming up. Taylor's been shot. Willoughby's sick. You know how busy we are.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: And...
[long pause]
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: [reluctantly] And Doreen's disappeared.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: What? You think she's been abducted?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: No. It's been going on for some time - months.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well, why didn't you say?
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: It's not exactly the sort of thing you go shouting from the rooftops, is it? You know: "Haskins, the one with the dodgy wife".
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Well, what are you going to do?
[Haskins shakes his head in desperation and walks off]


"The Sweeney: May (#3.7)" (1976)
[to Davey Holmes]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: If you weren't who you are, I'd kick your arse up to your shoulderblades.


"The Sweeney: Big Brother (#2.4)" (1975)
[Jack and Anne are playing Scrabble. Jack adds "GN" to "HOPS" to make "GNHOPS"]
Anne Knightly: What's a gnhops?
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: It's what a one-legged g-nome does!


"The Sweeney: Hit and Run (#2.5)" (1975)
[Following a tip-off, Regan and Carter have just spent a freezing night waiting for a robbery to take place in Sudbury, north west London, only to learn that it actually happened in Sunbury, south west London]
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Just one letter out - or about eighteen miles as the crow flies.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Stupid pratt.
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: Your snout either needs elocution lessons or his ears syringing.
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: With sulphuric acid!


"The Sweeney: Jack or Knave (#4.14)" (1978)
[to Haskins]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: I am utterly and abjectly pissed-off with this little lot. I've given the best years of my life to the job. I've got eighteen bloody commendations, if you include the one I *didn't* get yesterday. And how does this "wonderful" police force show its gratitude for all my years of unstinting effort? It bangs me up in a crummy little cell like some cheap little villain - all because a toerag called Hutchinson's got a few bottles twitching on the Fifth Floor. Now, because that poor little bastard had the guts to get off his arse, I'm going to have to be reinstated. And what do you bunch of bleeding double-dyed hypocrits want now? You want me to crawl back to work and be terribly grateful that I didn't get nicked for something I didn't do. Well you can stuff it!
[walks away in disgust]


"The Sweeney: Sweet Smell of Succession (#3.8)" (1976)
[Carter earlier tried to chat up the Commander's secretary. Now he is looking very lustfully at a woman in a cafe]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: If this keeps up, we'll have to take you down to the vet's.


"The Sweeney: Loving Arms (#3.11)" (1976)
Det. Chief Insp. Frank Haskins: I'll go round the back.
[Haskins walks off]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: Huh! Round-the-back Haskins strikes again!


"The Sweeney: Hearts and Minds (#4.11)" (1978)
[backstage at the club where Morecambe and Wise are performing, a troupe of scantily-clad dancing girls walk past Regan and Carter]
Det. Sgt. George Carter: [muttering lecherously, as each girl passes] I would. I would. I would.
[at the end of the line is a small, ugly, bandy-legged man]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: [muttering] I wouldn't.


"The Sweeney: Golden Fleece (#2.7)" (1975)
[Regan and Carter have arrived at the leisure centre to find that Col and Ray have disappeared, leaving their car behind. A plane flies overhead]
Det. Insp. Jack Regan: They're probably on board - cold beer in one hand and warm stewardess in the other.