Rose Nylund
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Quotes for
Rose Nylund (Character)
from "The Golden Girls" (1985)

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"The Golden Girls: Ladies of the Evening (#2.2)" (1986)
[Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose have been arrested and locked in a police cell after being mistaken for prostitutes - just when they were about to attend a party hosted by Burt Reynolds]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This has to be the biggest disappointment of my life!
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Rose Nylund: Yeah. And I've known some real disappointments too, believe me!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you're not going to tell us the story about the exploding pig again, are you?
Rose Nylund: I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it's hard to keep track.
Blanche Devereaux: So, what was this great disappointment in your life, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Butter. I wanted to be butter queen!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, yeah. What an actress. She was so good in "Gone with the Wind." I wanted to be Miss Olivia de Havilland myself.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, are you listening to this?
Blanche Devereaux: Bits and pieces.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, thank God you're here!
Sophia Petrillo: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, we're innocent!
Sophia Petrillo: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well?
Exterminator: Your infestation profile is threefold. You have silverfish and waterbugs in the drainage areas, and under the baseboard structure you have blateria andropoulous.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Did you hear that, Rose? The President of Greece lives under our baseboards.
Exterminator: Blateria andropoulous is a cockroach.
Rose Nylund: Maybe he'll be voted out in the next election.

Rose Nylund: There's a story in the paper about the party tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: Really?
Rose Nylund: You won't believe who's gonna be there. Dom DeLuise.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
Rose Nylund: Loni Anderson.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
[Absolutely no reaction from Blanche and Dorothy. She tries again]
Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Unimpressed] Wow. Who else?
Rose Nylund: John Forsythe.
Blanche Devereaux: [Breathless with anticipation, she speaks faster and faster, twisting the newspaper in her hands] Mr. John Forsythe. Oh my God! He's just the sexiest man in television. And Burt Reynolds is the sexiest man in the movies. Oh, I cannot believe this. All that manliness in one room. In one crowded room. One hot, crowded room. Everybody's steamy bodies pressed up against each other...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche. Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. You're about to set off the smoke detector.

Rose Nylund: [Answers the phone] Hello. What? I'm one of the winners of the Publisher's Clearing House? Ed McMahon wants to see me right away? I should leave my Burt Reynolds ticket on the dresser before I go?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Realization dawns and she races to the door connecting their two hotel rooms] Ma, get off the phone!
Sophia Petrillo: [off screen] Mind your own business!
Rose Nylund: [Turns to the girls and waves them over] Guess what?
[She nods sagely]
Rose Nylund: I think this is Sophia.

Blanche Devereaux: Girls. Do you see that man over there staring at me? He's undressing me with his eyes.
Rose Nylund: Do you want to move to another table?
Blanche Devereaux: Not yet. He's only half done.

Rose Nylund: [Horrified, her voice gets faster, louder and filled with terror as she speaks] I've never *been* in jail. I won't make it. They *always* prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart! From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid, and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who get bad grades in school! And then one day they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone, and when I make a run for it, he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh, *please* don't let them take me down town. I wanna live! I wanna live!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're not very good in a crisis, are you, Rose?

Rose Nylund: I've kept these bitter butter memories too long.

Burt Reynolds: Hello.
[the girls are shocked to see Burt Reynolds at their door]
Burt Reynolds: Sophia around?
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, hi, Burt!
Burt Reynolds: How about a little lunch?
Sophia Petrillo: Listen, if you're buyin', how about a big lunch?
Burt Reynolds: Great.
Blanche Devereaux: My god. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on.
[to Sophia]
Burt Reynolds: These the roommates you told me about?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah.
Burt Reynolds: Which one's the slut?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund: I am!


"The Golden Girls: Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas (#5.12)" (1989)
Rose: You know, I've been thinking...
Blanche: Well, that would explain the beads of sweat!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose we have to talk to you about Christmas. It is too hot to go out shopping again so why don't we just draw names out of a hat and then we only have to buy one gift each?
Rose: But Dorothy I love Christmas and I love giving presents at Christmas. Besides, if we draw names out of a hat, whose names are they going to be?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The Oakridge Boys, Rose! Each others'!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why are the Christmas cookies shaped like Liberty Bells and American flags?
Rose: I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters so I used the 4th of July ones.

Blanche: Rose, for half an hour you've been decorating this house humming Jingle Bells and yelling 'hey!' Now why do you do that?
Rose: Because it's too hard to hum the 'hey' part.

Father Avery: You know, what happened to Dorothy's ex-husband is not uncommon. Most people are only 2-3 paychecks away from being homeless.
Rose: Really?
Father Avery: Yes, the poor are everywhere, there's no affordable housing, there aren't any jobs, the cost of living keeps going up and the minimum wage has been held down.

Sophia Petrillo: [to Dorothy] Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, sends the stupidest gifts, what kind of present is dental floss?
Rose: Well it's waxed and it's minty.
Sophia Petrillo: [tosses it to Rose] Here, go floss yourself.

Blanche: Well that's all of the presents, except for the ones we know are fruitcakes.
Sophia Petrillo: Wait a minute, what about the one Blanche hid behind the couch?
Rose: Oh my present for you!
[picks it up and gives it to Blanche]
Rose: I can't wait to see the look on your face.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [grinning] Neither can I.
Blanche: [opens the present hesitantly, surprised] Rose! It's a beautiful blouse.
Rose: I hope you like it. Dorothy said you'd want something crotchless.

Blanche: [watching the poor and homeless come in] I just never thought there'd be children.
Rose: [nods, sees a Santa come in with them] What's Santa doing here?
Blanche: Oh they pay these out of work guys 10 or 15 dollars to stand on a corner and ring their bell, most of them can't afford the price of a meal.
Stan Zbornak: [Santa goes over to Dorothy] Hello.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Hello, Santa.
Stan Zbornak: [pulls off his beard] Dorothy, it's me, Stan.


"The Golden Girls: Mixed Blessings (#3.23)" (1988)
Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, who are black, as well as Rose and Blanche, whose faces are covered in mud-pack] What is this a revival of 'Raisin in the Sun'?
Michael Zbornak: Grandma, this is my fiancée, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is your fiancée?
Michael Zbornak: Yeah, that's right.
Sophia Petrillo: You couldn't find someone your own age?
Greta: What is that supposed to mean?
Sophia Petrillo: No offense, but it means your daughter looks like she's been around the block more times than a Good Humor man!
Greta: [Turns to her sister] Hold my purse. Those are fightin' words!
Rose Nylund: Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating, not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John'?
Greta: Is she for real?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yep. Frightening isn't it?

Rose Nylund: [as she and Dorothy look at her reflection after a makeover] Oh my god I look awful! Oh Dorothy - its you!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry - I forgot it was a full-moon.

Rose Nylund: Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiancée?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose. I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected Mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postmen wear leather bell bottoms and a fur vest.

Rose Nylund: [Dorothy is unhappy with her son marrying an older, black woman] The same thing happened to the Vigbotters back in St. Olaf. Y'see Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Vigbotter didn't approve. He did his best to keep them apart. But, one day he came home early, and he found Gretchen and Buddy in... how will I say it... a most indelicate situation.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What did he do?
Rose Nylund: Well he yelled at them to stop, but they wouldn't, so he turned the hose on them!
Blanche Devereaux: He turned the hose on them?
Rose Nylund: Well they were in the front yard!
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche gasps] Ohhhhh?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Wait - wait a minute, wait a minute, Rose. Buddy and Gretchen weren't people were they?
Rose Nylund: Of course not. They were dogs! Gretchen was a Dalmation and Buddy was a Schnauzer, and Mr. Vigbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of Schnalmations!
Blanche Devereaux: You know, Rose, sometimes I wish somebody had turned the hose on your parents.

Rose Nylund: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Better than anybody I know.

Michael Zbornak: [telling his mother about the woman he has suddenly decided to marry] She's staying with her family in Miami Beach. We thought maybe we'd get the two families together Sunday?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [sincerely] Oh, terrific idea. I can't wait to meet her.
Michael Zbornak: Before you do, Mom, there is something about her you should know. Lorraine is... kind of... black.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [suddenly uncomfortable, laughing in denial as she tries to process what Michael is telling her] Kind of black. What, uh, what, what does that mean, 'kind of black'? I mean, that's, uh, that's like being kind of Spanish. Y'know, either you are or you arent.
Michael Zbornak: She is.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh God!
Rose Nylund: Emilio Estevez is kind of Spanish, Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [sarcastically] Thank you, Rose.


"The Golden Girls: Adult Education (#1.20)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I got tickets, too! This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard...
Blanche Devereaux: [cuts Rose off] No, no, no, no! Please! I cannot bear that again!
[to Dorothy]
Blanche Devereaux: She was listening to her car radio. Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, and a dime in a door handle, then bim-bam-boom, she won the tickets!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma! How in the world did you get these?
Sophia Petrillo: Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.
Rose Nylund: You know Frank Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.
Blanche Devereaux: Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Tina Tortoni?
Sophia Petrillo: Tina Sinatra!

Rose Nylund: Here you go, Sophia, the perfect after dinner treat, a nice dish of Jello.
Sophia Petrillo: I hate Jello, if God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air He would've filled them with helium.

Sophia Petrillo: It's Tuesday night, I'm cleaning out my purse.
Rose Nylund: Did all that stuff come out of your purse?
Sophia Petrillo: No, I was also cleaning out my ears, that's where the Feen-A-Mint and the rain bonnet came from.
Rose Nylund: Sophia, why're you in such a bad mood?
Sophia Petrillo: Forgive me Rose, but I haven't had sex in 15 years and it's starting to get on my nerves.

Blanche Devereaux: I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to, he said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.
Rose Nylund: No!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh yes! I just don't know what to do!
Sophia Petrillo: Get it in writing.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I am exhausted, I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.
Rose Nylund: You can't buy from a scalper, that's a crime.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.
Rose Nylund: I have to test them.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, one is testing, fourteen is brunch.
Rose Nylund: Good Lord I'm a criminal!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, as long as you already have a record, I can count you in.


"The Golden Girls: The Engagement (#1.1)" (1985)
Sophia: [Late at night, Sophia walks into the living room] Oh its you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard voices, I thought there were robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels!
Sophia: Thank God because I can't find them.

Blanche: [Blanche's first ever lines] Dorothy, can I borrow your mink stole?
Dorothy: It's Miami in June - only cat's are wearing fur!
Rose Nylund: Are you going out?
Dorothy: No, she's going to sit here where its 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

Rose Nylund: [Dicussing sleep] Charlie on the other hand moves all night long - his side of the bed looks like a murder took place.
Dorothy: Rose, Charlie is dead.
Coco: Why tell her?
Dorothy: Coco, its been 15 years.
Rose Nylund: I know he's dead - I'm not crazy. I just like to speak of him in the present tense, sometimes, it makes him seem closer.
Coco: That's fine Rose, you do that!
Dorothy: Sure Rose - set a place at the table!

Blanche: I just wonder what my husband, George, would make of me and Harry.
Dorothy: Well, if he was alive he probably would not like it. But since he's dead I don't think it poses a problem.
Blanche: Well, I just want him to know I'm happy, but I could never be as happy with Harry in the same way - as I was with him.
Rose Nylund: He knows, Blanche, he knows. Your thoughts and feelings go right to him, you can communicate directly from your heart, can't you, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh don't ask me - I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.

Blanche: I can't eat anything with eyes.
Rose Nylund: I can't eat anything that moves.
Dorothy: Like what, Rose, horses?
Rose Nylund: Like oysters.
Coco: Oysters don't move.
Dorothy: Coco they could dance! Who cares?
Rose Nylund: Oysters move! Very slowly, you have to watch them.

Rose Nylund: We were all so lonely and then by a miracle we found each other.
Dorothy: Rose, we both answered an ad to share Blanche's house that we found in the supermarket. It was not the resurrection. It is hardly a miracle.
Rose Nylund: To me it was, because we're happy.


"The Golden Girls: The One That Got Away (#4.3)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [Rose sees Dorothy looking through binoculars] What are you doing, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh... looking up at the stars... pondering the universe.
Rose Nylund: I've been doing the same thing... thinking how wonderful it would be if there really were aliens... maybe it'd be just like Cocoon... they'd take us away... and we'd never grown old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: See, I don't know. I like my life. I mean - I'm not president or anything, I'm just a teacher... a substitute teacher... a divorced substitute teacher... who can't even afford her own place to live - BEAM ME UP!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, there is no such thing as a U.F.O.
Rose Nylund: They were probably looking for someone to bring up to the ship.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, then you stay out here, flag them down if they fly by again. I'll go inside and pack a bag.
Rose Nylund: But I want to be the one to go!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Whose bag do you think I'm going to pack?

Rose Nylund: So, Ham, what's "Ham" short for?
Sophia Petrillo: My guess is "ham and potatoes"!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What we saw was not a UFO.
Rose Nylund: Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin or that bright.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.

Sophia Petrillo: [in a card game on the lanai, Sophia doesn't play fair] Look, Mr Finebaum's totally naked in his bedroom window.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Rose looks where Sophia is pointing; Dorothy grabs the cards] That is the third time we caught you cheating. Ma, you're out of the game.
Sophia Petrillo: Hey, give me a break. When you're 80, you're allowed to cheat, just like you're allowed to take money out of your daughter's purse. Oops. Uh, was that the 'phone? Don't trouble yourselves. I'll get it.
[she goes inside]
Rose Nylund: How did you know your mother was cheating, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Because Mr Finebaum never walks around totally naked. He always wears a Boy Scout neckerchief. But never in the same place twice. Which is why there's no Mrs Finebaum. Deal.

Rose Nylund: [Dorothy and Rose are playing cards on the lanai, when something bright flies overhead] Did you see that, Dorothy? That was a UFO.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Rose, don't be ridiculous. It was a plane. Deal, come on.
Rose Nylund: Planes don't fly over residential neighborhoods.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Neither do UFOs. They only fly over empty fields in Kentucky, where fat guys in overalls named Cooley have just run out of gas.


"The Golden Girls: Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom Tom (#5.17)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: [singing] Over there, over there, send the word send the word over there, that the Yanks are coming! The Yanks are coming! The drums rum-tum...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: THAT was the lullaby your mother used to sing?
Rose Nylund: Yes, it was the only song she knew.

Rose Nylund: [about "Over There"] My mother said nobody could be afraid when they hear that song, except for the Kaiser.

Rose Nylund: When I get nervous I put my head between my knees.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, that's for nausea.
Rose Nylund: When I'm scared I'm nauseous. Remember the time that guy tried to steal my purse?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Worked better than mace.

Rose Nylund: You know what I do when I get nervous?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, you toss your cookies.
Rose Nylund: Besides that, I sing, a lullaby my mother taught me.

Sophia Petrillo: [Scene missing from DVD releases] Hey, where's my microwave popcorn?
Rose Nylund: We gave it away. Since Blanche got her pacemaker the doctor says we can't use the microwave.
Sophia Petrillo: But I love that popcorn!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, if we use the microwave, Blanche could die.
Sophia Petrillo: Same thing with Cup O'Noodles?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: We're not going to use it, Ma. As a matter of fact, tomorrow the people from Goodwill are coming to pick it up.
Sophia Petrillo: But I love this microwave. I'm 83 years old, do you want me to spend what little time I have left waiting for a baked potato?
[Later after Blanche leaves the room]
Sophia Petrillo: For this we're giving up Cheez Whiz nachos?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche's doctor wants her to go back to the hospital for more tests.
Rose Nylund: It makes sense, just to be on the safe side.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, well, of course it does. What kind of doctor would he be if he didn't want to check out everything.
Blanche Devereaux: [very nervous] Yeah, well, if it makes him happy. If everything's as bad as he thinks it is, he wants to put a pacemaker in me.
Sophia Petrillo: Everybody's got a nickname for it.


"The Golden Girls: Bang the Drum, Stanley (#4.5)" (1988)
Rose: [describing Blanche] Gosh, she's really a character. She's also a cheap slut.

Dorothy Zbornak: [Blanche and Rose are just coming home] How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.
Dorothy Zbornak: You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.
Stanley Zbornak: [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her] I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy Zbornak: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.
Stanley Zbornak: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia Petrillo: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.
Blanche Devereaux: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

Rose: [on learning Sophia was not badly injured when hit by a baseball] I knew she'd be OK. Something similar happened to me back in St Olaf: I was injured during a spirited game of Gowhackanoggin'.
Dorothy Zbornak: Should I? Oh, what the hell. Rose, what is Gowhackanoggin'?
Rose: It's a lot like baseball, except instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself on the head. After ten whacks, if you're still standing, you take first base. It's usually a very low-scoring game.

Stanley Zbornak: [after Sophia's injury, Stan cooks up an insurance scam] The doctor's coming.
Dorothy Zbornak: What doctor?
Stanley Zbornak: He's a friend of mine.
Dorothy Zbornak: We're going to the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: Dorothy, this guy is good. He's probably the most learned, respected, important neurologist in the state of Florida.
Blanche Devereaux: How'd you ever meet a man like that?
Stanley Zbornak: We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest.
Dorothy Zbornak: I'm calling the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: No, Dorothy, stop. Look, I - I really feel like this is all my fault. That's why I'm getting him. He's the best. And I'm gonna pay for it.
Rose: [astonished] You paying for something?
Stanley Zbornak: What are you saying, I'm cheap?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, *of course* she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!
Stanley Zbornak: [Sophia, buying into the scam, tells everyone a vision told her to trust Stan] Y'see, babe, it's all part of the Big Guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy Zbornak: Mr Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.

Stanley Zbornak: Everybody, this is Dr... Jerry.
Rose: Dr Jerry. Oh, it must be great having just one name. You don't have to worry about people misspelling your last name all the time.
Dr. Jerry: Is your last name difficult to spell?
Rose: Yes. But I'm getting better at it.

Dorothy Zbornak: I know Ma is faking. She is not really paralyzed.
Rose: It's only natural for you to feel that way. At the Counseling Center, we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Yes you are, you're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Look, fluff-head: Why should I deny being in denial, when I never said I was in denial. *You* are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.


"The Golden Girls: The Actor (#2.14)" (1987)
Rose: Dorothy, is this a good champagne?
Dorothy: Gee, it's hard to tell... the "2 for $7" sticker is covering the year of the vintage.

Rose: I feel so common, so cheap... so used. How do you usually deal with that Blanche?
Blanche: ...Rose, just for that I'm going to flush the toilet tonight while your taking a shower.

[Sophia has been employed at Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty resturant and is wearing her pirate uniform]
Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty uniform?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan. Yo ho!

Patrick Vaughn: Ladies, I'm afraid I don't have the time now. I'm doing another project in town, and I have to meet with the director to discuss the nuances of the character I'll be portraying.
Rose: Oh, I think I read about that. Aren't you playing a tangerine in a television commercial?
Patrick Vaughn: Yes.
Blanche: Ooh, how exciting! Have you ever been a fruit before?
Patrick Vaughn: No, but having been in the musical theater for thirty years, I've had my share of offers.

Patrick Vaughn: So what harm did I do?
Rose: What harm did you do? You lied to everybody!
Blanche: You, sir, are nothin' but a lowdown, carpet-bagging, scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!
Dorothy: And another thing, you'll never WHAT?


"The Golden Girls: That's for Me to Know (#7.4)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: All right, everybody, just write down who you think ought to leave.
Rose Nylund: Well, you know this is a waste of time. I'm just going to write down myself.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't tell us that! No, maybe we should do this. It's the fairest way.
Rose Nylund: All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.
Blanche Devereaux: [collects the ballots] Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies...
[reads the ballots one by one]
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy.
Sophia Petrillo: Well, that's it. Let's eat. I'm starved.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Wait a minute! How did this happen?
Sophia Petrillo: We all voted for you.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I- I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.
Blanche Devereaux: I guess that would hurt.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: IT DOES-S-S!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Now if we want to stay together we're going to have to raise $10,000.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I don't see why I have to raise any money. I didn't create this problem. I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.
Rose Nylund: She's talking about me, isn't she?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, Rose. She's talking about Spike Lee.
Rose Nylund: Don't get smart with me, Dorothy, just because you're out $10,000.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Me?
Rose Nylund: Face facts. I mean, we were already roommates when you brought your mother in. So eiher pay up or Sophia should move out.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, thank you very much! But if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold, it's going to be me.

Rose Nylund: I am the smartest woman in the whole world!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And I am the Pygmy queen!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The box! Rose, where did you find it?
Rose Nylund: Well I was just under my bed playing, and then there it was.

Rose Nylund: Y'know, people in St. Olaf are lucky - we all have the same family tree; you can trace each of us back to the same brother and sister.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, I think that completes the puzzle.


"The Golden Girls: High Anxiety (#4.20)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Dorothy is skeptical about Sophia's claim that she's been asked to be in a pizza-store commercial] OK, OK, Ma, where are you going to shoot this commercial?
Sophia Petrillo: Well, we discussed many exotic, uh, locations, and we settled on... right here!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, now hold on here. I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment.
Rose Nylund: Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, what are those pills for?
Rose Nylund: The doctor prescribed them when I wrenched my back.
Blanche Devereaux: I didn't know you had hurt your back.
Rose Nylund: Oh, it's an old farm injury from St Olaf. Ahh, I'll never forget when it happened. It was time to plant the crops, but after seventeen years of pulling a plow, poor old Bessie was worn out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, why didn't you just get another mule?
Rose Nylund: Oh, Bessie wasn't a mule. She was a big, fat lady who pulled farm plows for a living.
Blanche Devereaux: [astonished] For God's sake. What about tractors?
Rose Nylund: Well, come on, Blanche. If she was too old to pull a plow, how could she ever pull a tractor?

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, you can't stop takin' these pills. You have a problem.
Rose Nylund: I can stop, and I'll start stopping tomorrow. Oh, boy, will you be proud of me. You just wait. Only I can't stop tonight.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why not?
Rose Nylund: Because... because! Because tonight is the anniversary of the death of my beloved cat, Fluffy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you have never had cats. You're allergic.
Rose Nylund: OK, it's the anniversary of the death of my beloved brother, Fluffy.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Rose is realizing she may be hooked on her medication] Honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.
Sophia Petrillo: Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, let us call a rehabilitation center for you.
Rose Nylund: No, I don't need one of those places. I can't go to one of those places. I'd be too ashamed. I'd be too embarrassed.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What is there to be ashamed of? You have a medical problem. Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was... was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?
Sophia Petrillo: She should have been. Did you see "Arthur 2"?

Blanche Devereaux: [describing her temptations after her husband George died] There was a man. He asked me to sleep with him. I said, *No*. But I knew something greater than my will-power was necessary for me to resist him, so I called my sister.
Rose Nylund: Did she help talk you through it?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, better than that. She drove straight over, she took him by the throat, she said if he ever tried that again she would shoot him through the head.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Just because he made a pass at you?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, did I forget to mention that the man was my sister's husband?


"The Golden Girls: Bringing Up Baby (#3.3)" (1987)
Rose: [about her pig named Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.
Dorothy: The actor or the sausage?

Rose: [to her pig, Baby] There you are! You get into the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny!
Sophia: All right, I'm going, I'm going... Oh, sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner in the home.

Blanche Devereaux: How long does Rose have to keep this pig before she gets the money?
Chester T. Raney: As long as he lives.
Chester T. Raney: Oh forget it!
Rose: Well I'd split the money with you, girls.
Dorothy: Forget it!
Blanche Devereaux: How long does a pig live?
Chester T. Raney: 25 years?
Rose: Forget it!
Blanche Devereaux: How old is this pig?
Chester T. Raney: 29.
Dorothy: Welcome, Baby!

Blanche Devereaux: I just read that it's very important that every child has a male influence in their life.
Rose: What are we going to do?
Dorothy: We'll all put on Yankee caps and scratch our behinds after beer!

Rose: [Rose has inherited Baby, an elderly white pig that is sick] Baby's problem isn't physical - it's mental.
Dorothy: [Incredulously] Four grown women are living with a pig and the pig has mental problems?


"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's Prized Pupil (#2.21)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: What kind of movie is this?
Man in Theatre: Rip his throat out!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's a musical, Rose.

Rose Nylund, Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Surprise!
Sophia: [coming in] Louder next time, my heart's still beating!
Rose Nylund: We thought you were Mario.
Sophia: You'll have to yell louder than that to kill him.

Rose Nylund: The president's married to Nancy Davis now.
Sophia: From "All About Eve"?
Rose Nylund: That was Bette Davis.
Sophia: The one who beat her children with wire hangers?
Rose Nylund: That was Joan Crawford.
Sophia: The fat cop from "Highway Patrol"?
Rose Nylund: That was Broderick Crawford.
Sophia: The president was married to Broderick Crawford?

Rose Nylund: Mario, can I fix you a snack?
Mario: Sure, I'm starved.
Rose Nylund: How about a herring salad sandwich on raisin bread?
Mario: Oh wow, I'm gonna miss my bus!
Rose Nylund: Well you've got plenty of time, it's only
[looks at her bare wrist]
Rose Nylund: See you later.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What the hell is a weedenfrugen?
Rose Nylund: Veedenfrugen.


"The Golden Girls: Cheaters (#5.22)" (1990)
Rose: I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, and Schroder was behind the plate, and Lucy and Snoopy were in the outfield, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do suppose it all means?
Dorothy: Peanuts envy?

Glen O'Brien: Our whole block was Irish, the other block was Italian. We used to take turns beating each other up on the way home from school.
Rose: I think it's nice when kids take turns.

Rose: Back in St Olaf, there was this shepherd boy who tended his flock on the hill above the town. A wolf kept coming down and stealing his sheep, but the boy never caught him doing it. Because he never saw it happening, he became known around St Olaf as the boy who *didn't* cry "Wolf". Anyway, one day the townspeople heard the boy on the hill yelling, "Wolf, wolf". Well, they all figured, if the boy never cried "Wolf" when the wolf *was* there, if he yelled "Wolf" now, it stood to reason the wolf *wasn't* there.
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, nothing gets by you people.
Rose: Damn straight. It was a bear. A huge, ferocious grizzly bear.
Sophia Petrillo: [impatiently] What happened to the boy?
Rose: He became known as the boy who cried continuously.

Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche and Sophia were conned out of $2,000 by a man, along with a woman posing as a nun] I just got off the 'phone with a Sgt Delfino of the bunco squad. He said they picked up two people who match the description we gave 'em. They want us to come down tomorrow and pick out nuns from a lineup.
Rose: That must make you feel proud.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, now, that's what Sgt Delfino said: "Why, you must feel proud, knowing that by having come forth as you have, you have possibly saved other oldsters from a similar ripoff." He called me an oldster. I called him a pig. We're havin' dinner on Saturday.

Dorothy: Glen asked me to marry him.
Blanche Devereaux: Paydirt! Well, are you gonna do it?
Dorothy: I haven't had time to make up my mind.
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, don't dawdle. Now, men have a very short memory span when it comes to that question. Sometimes they forget before you can get your clothes back on.
Rose: [Rose comes in from the living room] Oh, Dorothy, Glen is such a charmer. He and Sophia are really getting along.
Blanche Devereaux: Can I tell her? Glen asked Dorothy to marry him.
Rose: Do it! Oh, marry him, Dorothy. Even if you have to sign one of those pre-natal agreements.


"The Golden Girls: Blanche Delivers (#6.1)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, listen! You don't have to do anything to please your parents!
Sophia Petrillo: She's right. I'd like to be proud of Dorothy for something but I'm not going to kill myself if that day never comes.
Rose Nylund: But my parents called me Twinkletoes.
Sophia Petrillo: I called Dorothy Bigfoot. That doesn't mean she has to make tracks all over the Northwest.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What Ma is trying to say is that she loves me for what I am.
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. An over-the-hill schoolteacher who has to wait for the phone to ring to know if she's going to work that day.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh. It doesn't matter what your parents want. Rose, you're never going to make them happy. They're just going to nag you and nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke them but you don't because you're in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!

Rose Nylund: Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes and yes.

Sophia Petrillo: [to Rose, who's dragging her feet on the floor] Rose, don't make fun of old people.
Rose Nylund: I'm wearing weights to strengthen my ankles.
Sophia Petrillo: Do they come in headbands?

Blanche Devereaux: [visiting a birthing center] Oh, this is all wrong! What kind of dope would want to have a baby here?
Rose Nylund: [walking into the room] This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!

Tamara: [a woman is crying out, giving birth] Sounds like there's a mommy in the making!
Rose Nylund: Sounds like there's a mommy on fire!
Tamara: I'll be right back.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh good, we can sneak out.
Rebecca Devereaux: Mother!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Becky, I have to admit everything is well coordinated here. But honey, wouldn't you be happier in a place where there's less stereo and more...
[another scream]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: morphine?
Rebecca Devereaux: I'm just looking into alternatives. You know, hospitals have a rigid way of doing things.
[another cry]
Rebecca Devereaux: Why is she screaming?
Sophia Petrillo: She's conscious!
Rebecca Devereaux: [another cry] I just want this to be an experience I'll never forget.
[sudden horrific scream]
Tamara: You're in luck. You're about to see one of our deliveries.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: We don't need the whole tour.


"The Golden Girls: Transplant (#1.4)" (1985)
Rose: Sophia, if you hated your sister would you clean the house?
Sophia: I'd put Vaseline on the tips of her walker!

Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well the most wonderful thing happened, they found a donor! And excellent match! She was a retired Mormon school teacher.
Rose: Virginia is so lucky!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I'll say! That kidney was showroom new! Why, the wildest thing that ever passed through there was Ovaltine!

Rose: What would you do?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: For my children, I'd give both my kidneys, I'd cut them out myself.
Rose: Me too, I'd give my heart.
Sophia: I give to all my children, except Phil.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why not Phil?
Sophia: Because he never calls, he never writes, I only hear from him at Christmas when he sends me a cheddar cheese nativity scene. I'm Catholic, I can't spread a wise man on a Ritz cracker.

Rose: [talking about diapers] Remember when we had to use cotton and fish oil?
Sophia: In Sicily they used a leaf and the river.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you never had a baby in Sicily.
Sophia: I *was* a baby in Sicily.

Rose: Wherever she goes, she always finds a man!
Sophia: So do hookers.


"The Golden Girls: Twice in a Lifetime (#5.20)" (1990)
Rose: Is it possible to be in love with two men at the same time?
Blanche: Well, let's set the scene... have we been drinking?

Rose: [reminiscing about her late husband] Charlie liked to do all the typical teen-age things. When we'd go to a drive-in movie, he'd hide me in the trunk so we only had to pay admission for one. And after the movie, he'd drive me home, let me out of the trunk, and tell me all about it.

Buzz: Rosie, I never should have left you 40 years ago. I can still see you standing on the platform as the train started to roll by. Remember, Rose? You were walking along side, tears rolling down your cheeks. When the train picked up a little speed, you started to run. Suddenly you were out of sight. It was very painful for me.
Rose: For me, too. I ran face-first into the crossing signal.

Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia is fed up with Dorothy's criticism of her lifestyle] Well, I'm leaving. I found a compatible roommate. Here's my new address and 'phone number.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Ma, you're joking.
Sophia Petrillo: It's no joke. Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen. Arrivederci, and Sayonara.
[she leaves]
Rose: Gee, she could have at least said, 'Goodbye'.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it. What is this hold that Buzz has over you?
Blanche: Oh, I know exactly what she's going through, Dorothy. First love can be very powerful. I felt the same way about Heywood Boyle, the star pitcher on our High School baseball team. Ah, an amazing athlete. That boy had exceptional control.
[she pauses in reverie, while Dorothy rolls her eyes]
Blanche: He was always up for extra innings.
[another pause]
Blanche: And his delivery...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [erupting] All right, Blanche, enough!
Rose: Yeah, we get it. So, what was he like in bed?


"The Golden Girls: Scared Straight (#4.9)" (1988)
Rose: We should put out the Welcome mat.
Blanche: We don't have a Welcome mat.
Rose: What about the one Dorothy always says is at the foot of your bed?

[Clayton happened to meet Rose after a failed date and confessed his homosexuality to her, now she is helping him to confess to Blanche]
Rose: Tell her, Clayton.
Clayton Hollingsworth: I will, Rose.
Blanche: Tell me what?
Clayton Hollingsworth: Well, I ran into Rose at the park and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton Hollingsworth: And we had a long talk and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton Hollingsworth: And... we slept together tonight.

Clayton Hollingsworth: I shouldn't have got you mixed up in all this. It's just so hard to tell Blanche the truth.
Rose: Clayton, you're selling your sister short. Now at times Blanche can be very understanding, compassionate and forgiving.
Blanche: [entering the room] Get away from my baby brother you cradle snatchin', empty headed, two faced dummy!
Rose: And then at other times she can be a real bitch.

Blanche: [Blanche and Rose have had a fight and Blanche has gone to a bitter Rose to say "sorry"] Now, Rose, I'm about to say two little words and they are the hardest words for me to say...
Rose: [cutting Blanche off] 'Not tonight?'

Rose: I don't feel right even talking about it, maybe if I whisper.
[whispers into Dorothy's ear]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [confused] Clayton is a hobo?
Rose: No, Dorothy!
[whispers again]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh... oh! Now, now I get it!
Rose: Oh thank goodness, for a minute I thought I was going to have to draw you a picture, and I'm not even sure I'd know how!


"The Golden Girls: Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy (#6.5)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: [to Blanche] Blanche, are you alright?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm stunned, I'm just stunned.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, what's wrong?
Blanche Devereaux: That call, it was Viola Watkins, she used to be my Mammy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Your what?
Blanche Devereaux: My Mammy, the woman who took care of me when I was little.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I ever heard anyone called Mammy before.
Rose Nylund: What about Mrs. Eisenhower?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mammy Eisenhower... I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.

Rose Nylund: You know, I had a nanny when I was a child. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and I'd know she would keep it a secret. We used to spend the days running and playing in the meadow or playing hide and seek in the barn. My nanny treated me like I was her own kid.
[she is overcome with emotion]
Rose Nylund: Excuse me.
[she leaves the room]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?
[Sophia and Blanche indicate 'No' shaking their heads without a word]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
Rose Nylund: That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, please Rose! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck!... And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Do I look like I just fell off the back of the turnip truck?
Rose Nylund: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.

Blanche Devereaux: [after learning her father, Big Daddy, had an affair with her Mammy] This changes everything I ever thought about Big Daddy. I always assumed that he and Mama had a wonderful sex life. I walked in on 'em once when I was a little girl. There was all this huffin' and puffin' and high-pitched sounds, and then suddenly Big Daddy shouted out, "GLORY!", and they both lit up cigarettes. I vowed, then and there, I would *never* do anything so repulsive.
Rose Nylund: So what happened?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Bobby Joe Porter explained to me that the cigarette part was optional.
Sophia Petrillo: Remember that one time you walked in on me, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, yeah. I still remember what you said: "Mommy's sick, get help."
Rose Nylund: I would have *died* if I had ever caught my parents having sex.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What, you never walked in on them?
Rose Nylund: Once, but they were only playing leapfrog.


"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's New Friend (#3.15)" (1988)
Blanche: Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Barbara Thorndyke: Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay"
[to Dorothy]
Barbara Thorndyke: I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Blanche: Well, I should hope so!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Barbara Thorndyke: [to Dorothy] It's alright
[patronisingly to Blanche]
Barbara Thorndyke: Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Blanche: Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves. Little waves. Dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
Barbara Thorndyke: Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
Blanche: I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Rose Nylund: Blanche, what's a metaphor?
Blanche: It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty". They're not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

[Dorothy has announced to the girls that local author Barbara Thorndyke will be their guest that evening]
Rose Nylund: Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow! I've never met a real author before.
Blanche: I have. I once stood in line at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
Dorothy: You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time it's usually Faulkner, Fritgerald and...
Blanche: And Schwarzenegger. Yeah.
Rose Nylund: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh!
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Blanche: What was your first impression of me?
Rose Nylund: That you wore too much make-up and were a slut. But I was wrong. You don't wear too much make-up.

Rose Nylund: [Rose and Blanche are at the kitchen table discussing first impressions; a "back in St. Olaf's" story inevitably ensues] We used to call her Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper.
Blanche: Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.
Rose Nylund: No, that was her name! Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper. She had it changed legally because everybody called her that anyway.
Blanche: Then how come your name isn't Big Dummy?
Rose Nylund: Well, there were already three other people in town with that name.
Blanche: Oh.
[nods]
Rose Nylund: But that's beside the point. One day I got up the courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper and I asked her why she always frowned. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles! I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down! So from then on whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave!
Blanche: That is one of the stupidest stories I've ever heard - which proves my first impression of you was right.

Blanche: Hi, Dorothy. Rose and I are thinking about going to the movies; you want to go?
Dorothy: Oh, I can't tonight. No, Barbara is taking me to the experimental theatre downtown.
Blanche: Somebody dragged me to a show there one time. Three men paraded around the stage for five hours talkin' about God eatin' graham crackers. They wore masks to cover their faces, but other than that they were totally naked.
Rose Nylund: And you stayed through the whole evening?
Blanche: Well, I would have left, but one of the actors looked so familiar to me.
[Chews lip in thought]
Blanche: But it was hard to tell since he had such a small part.


"The Golden Girls: The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo (#4.2)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: He had these long, floppy ears. Kind of like a basset hound. When he came to pick me up for our blind date, I couldn't believe it. He jumped out of the car, and ran up the walk, and bounded up on to the front porch, and I remember thinking, "He's gonna trip on those ears." But he didn't. So there he stood before me introducing himself, and I don't know, I was still so stunned, I just kind of half-muttered a "Howdy-do" and he said, "I beg your pardon? I didn't hear you." Well, I don't know what came over me, but I just blurted out, "Didn't hear me? I think you could pick up Radio Free Europe with those ears!" And you know what he did? He laughed. Well, right then and there I started growing very fond of Mr. Preston Bougainvillea, and over the next several months we saw quite a lot of each other.
Rose Nylund: Oh, that's really very sweet, Blanche.
Blanche Devereaux: I know... By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other... bodily organs?
Rose Nylund: ...What do you mean?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The most amazing thing about Grandma was that, in 1952, she decided to go into politics.
Rose Nylund: Politics?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Uh huh, she felt it was her personal responsibility to elect Adlai Stevenson president.
[pauses]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, she didn't care for Eisenhower because, you know, he claimed to have liberated Italy, and she said Italy was liberated enough. Already too many people eating meat on Friday
[chuckling]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: ... and wearing condoms on Saturday.
Rose Nylund: Whatever happened to her?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sarcastically] She colonized life on Venus. Rose, she was 94 when I was 6. She died, you idiot!
Rose Nylund: How did she die?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You know, we're not sure. One night, she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day, the neighborhood kids had a go cart with two *really big* back wheels.

Sophia Petrillo: I'm going to the market to buy a nectarine. At 83 that's life, a round trip on the number 12 bus to buy a nectarine.
Rose Nylund: That's sad.
Sophia Petrillo: Not sad, life! Sad is when you have to mash the nectarine with a fork!

Rose Nylund: I'm so depressed. We didn't accomplish a single thing today.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Sure we did, we found out that in a pinch, fruit cocktail is not bad on a bagel.

Rose Nylund: Don't you just love waking up with rain tapping on your bedroom window?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, absolutely. I always throw open the window, uncork a bottle of cold duck, and slip into my Frederick's of Hollywood ostrich-feather nightie.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Just because of rain tapping at your window?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, I thought she said *Wayne*.


"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding: Part 1 (#4.6)" (1988)
Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise. A Genuine Elvis artifact.
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop.
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.
[laughs]
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outta the club.

Blanche: You know what I always hate doing after a party?
Rose: Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
Blanche: [offended] Cleanin' up the dirty dishes! You twit.

Rose: ...I was always kind of the Gypsy of the family - the rebel! I wanted to see the world - that's why, after High School, I went to St. Gustaf University to study Latin.
Dorothy: I didn't know you studied Latin?
Rose: First in my class!
[smugly]
Rose: Ororthy Day!

Rose: Don't you have to be a virgin to wear white?
Sophia Petrillo: Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was in escrow!

Dorothy: Ma what's the matter?
Sophia Petrillo: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry, what happened?
Sophia Petrillo: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. She was 88!
Rose: Well it's great that she was able to work right up till the end.


"The Golden Girls: The Case of the Libertine Belle (#7.2)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Kendall is sitting down with Posey MacGlinn. She is my main rival for that assistants job. Oh, look at the shameless way she's flirting with him. Disgusting!
Rose Nylund: You flirted with him.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm from the South. Flirting is part of my heritage.
Rose Nylund: What does that mean?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Her mother was a slut, too.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Alright, Rose, give me your mirror.
Rose Nylund: What for?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Every morning I hold a mirror under Ma's nose, if it fogs up, I start the coffee.
[holds it under Kendall's nose]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No breath... he really is dead!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Try to figure out who are the real guests, and who are actors pretending to be guests, that'll make it much easier later on.
Rose Nylund: Okay Dorothy... if that's your real name.
[goes past Gloria's table]
Rose Nylund: How's that coffee?
Gloria: [points to her cup] Terrific!
Rose Nylund: [under her breath] Actor!

Rose Nylund: You know, back in Minnesota I was known as Sherlock Holmes of St Olaf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Figured out which one was Shinola, did you, Rose?
Rose Nylund: The hard way.

Rose Nylund: [Impressed when Dorothy solved the mock murder] Dorothy, that was a real tour de France!


"The Golden Girls: Once in St. Olaf (#6.2)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: You're not going to believe what happened, I met my father, my natural father!
Dorothy: He's alive?
Blanche: He's in Miami?
Sophia Petrillo: He's an earthling?

Dorothy: We're looking for my mother.
Rose Nylund: Maybe she's lost.
Brother Martin: Congratulations, Rose, you finally got one.

Brother Martin: Excuse me, but do I know you? You look awfully familiar.
Rose Nylund: I get that a lot. People say I look like Wilma Flintstone. Not when she was on the air, more the way she looks today.

Brother Martin: I was cloistered in a small monastery in St Olaf, Minnesota.
Rose Nylund: Where every Spring the ducks return?
Brother Martin: If we remember to throw out the corn, yeah... You know it?
Rose Nylund: I know it very well. I was born and raised in St Olaf.
Brother Martin: Well, this is extraordinary. Did you know an Ingrid Kerklavaner?
Rose Nylund: You knew Ingrid?
Brother Martin: She must have been about nineteen then. She worked in the kitchen in the monastery. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, thats all she ever did. We were a silent order, so that was very refreshing.
Rose Nylund: I suppose it was. Shortly after that Ingrid died in childbirth.
Brother Martin: You know the story?
Rose Nylund: Oh, yes. Late one night, a basket was left at the local Orphanage, containing hickory-smoked cheese, spicy beef sticks, a baby, and some kind of crackers that didn't go with anything. Eventually the Lindstroms took the baby... and the beef sticks, 'cause that was the deal.


"The Golden Girls: Rose Fights Back (#5.4)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: You can't write me off just because I'm not 30-something. I AM the battered consumer, I drive a Gremlin for God's sake.

Rose Nylund: They've cut off Charlie's pension.
Sophia Petrillo: He's dead, how much does he need?

Rose Nylund: [reading letter] This is terrible!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Trick move by your checkers-by-mail partner?

Rose Nylund: [about a bag lady she sees everyday] She has everything she owns in the world in one of those pushcarts. You feel sorry for people like that but you always wonder HOW they got in that predicament? Oh, you think she must've just been lazy, or she must've been pretty stupid to let that happen to her. But the truth is... she's me.


"The Golden Girls: The Operation (#1.18)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: Blanche, call the police! I just saw a big ugly man with a limp walk past my room and he was wearing Dorothy's coat!
[sees Dorothy in the room]
Rose Nylund: Of course it was dark and I tend to over-dramatize.

Blanche Devereaux: I think this is a lovely hospital room, don't you think it's lovely, Rose?
Rose Nylund: It's very lovely... I just can't help but think of how many people have never left this room.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Where are they, Rose, hiding in the shower?
Sophia Petrillo: She means a lot of people probably croaked in here.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know what she means, but I don't need to hear it the night before my operation.

Rose Nylund: I'll never forget the things I saw the one summer I worked as a candy striper: misplaced patients, mixed up medications, botched operations...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, do a big ugly man with a limp a favor and shut up.

Sophia Petrillo: I'm knitting a cover for the sherry.
Rose Nylund: Why do we need a cover for the sherry?
Sophia Petrillo: Not the sherry here at the house, the sherry I take to the park. You drink out of a brown paper bag and suddenly everybody's your friend.


"The Golden Girls: Fiddler on the Ropes (#4.18)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.
Blanche Devereaux: Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche Devereaux: [Pepe's in the ring, waiting for the bell] Pepe, we need to talk to you for a second.
Pepe: Can it wait until after the fight, Blanche? Right now I have a few things on my mind.
Rose Nylund: Like that big sucker in the other corner?
Pepe: He's at the top of the list.

Blanche Devereaux: Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me the truth. Now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?
Rose Nylund: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I bet you're damn near spectacular.
Blanche Devereaux: [annoyed] I am talkin' about my job at the museum.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Of course you're competent, Blanche, I mean they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly lookin' over my shoulder?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Rose Nylund: Did he have a head for numbers?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stanley? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.


"The Golden Girls: Zborn Again (#6.7)" (1990)
Blanche: Rose, I refuse to believe you have ever read a scientific journal!
Rose: Believe what you want! See if I care! Hypersexual bitch.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [admitting she had just "slept with" her ex-husband] Oh, I don't know, I don't know, he's just been so sweet lately, and we were at the beach in the same old car that we used to make out in, and it just got to me. It was exciting.
Blanche: Dammit, Dorothy, if you'd have sex in public more often this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Look, I'm mad enough at myself as it is. I mean, Stanley Zbornak made me weak in the knees. What, you think I'm proud of that?
Blanche: Who made the first move?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I guess I did. It was dark, and Stan stopped the car. I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake.
Rose: Well that's good: Safety First.

Rose: [to Blanche] What was the best sex you ever had?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, way to go, Rose. Look, Blanche, it's late, there's only one cheesecake left, so let's make menopause the cut-off point.
Blanche: Best sex. Oh, it's just so hard to rate these things. There's degree of difficulty, style points, choice of music, did they land on their feet during the dismount. Different people have different strengths, it's just impossible to tell. But, anything over a nine is excellent.
Rose: Over a nine?
Blanche: Points, Rose, points!

Rose: [Complaining about a coworker] The truth is, she's a sweet girl, looking for a friend. And we do have a common bond. She used to be a newscaster. Now, she's just an assistant like me. So, there's this cognitive dissonance between her actual and her ideal self which causes her to be practically dysfunctional. Of course, I'm no psychologist.
Blanche: No, you're a nitwit. How come you know those words?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, c'mon, it's not nice calling her a nitwit. But, since the cat's outta the bag, how *do* you know those words?
Rose: I guess it's from reading the American Journal of Abnormal Psychology. It's published in St Olaf, you know. If fact, my uncle Gunther used to be the editor.
Sophia Petrillo: And what were you? The centerfold?


"The Golden Girls: Love Me Tender (#4.14)" (1989)
[Blanche and Rose are concluding an afternoon of clothes shopping]
Blanche Devereaux: I just haven't found a thing today. I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.
Rose Nylund: Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts, too?

Blanche Devereaux: [Rose comes in carrying a large box] What's in the box, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Oh, brochures for the Be a Pal program. I'm mailing them out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, how does that work?
Rose Nylund: Well, you just put 'em in an envelope, and stick a stamp on 'em...

Eddie: [Dorothy's blind date finally arrives] Hi, I'm Eddie.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to the girls] It took a computer to come up with this?
Eddie: [Eddie explains that he's been in a long depression, and is still not completely recovered] After twenty-five years of marriage, my wife, Roberta sent me a Dear John letter.
Rose Nylund: That's terrible. Married twenty-five years and she doeesn't know your name is Eddie?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to explain why she is wildly attracted to plain-looking Eddie] Honey, there is more to Eddie than meets the eye. But the only thing we have in common is under the sheets.
Rose Nylund: What's under the sheets?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [barely believing Rose's naïveté] His cappuccino maker. Sex, Rose, I am talking sex. We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed, and it is *terrific*.
Rose Nylund: All that, and cappuccino, too?


"The Golden Girls: Ebbtide's Revenge (#6.12)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: He looks very peaceful and natural.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah... as natural as a man can look wearing a black teddy.
Rose Nylund: It's a beautiful teddy... I think more men should be buried in teddies.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I've just gotta remember that it's not the clothes that make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes oh God he looks like he died in a Benny Hill sketch!

Rose Nylund: [about Phil] So what if he was different? It's okay that you loved him.
Sophia Petrillo: [voice cracking] I did love him. He was my son, my little boy. But every time I saw him I wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.
Angela Petrillo: [tenderly] What he was Sophia, was a good man.
Sophia Petrillo: [breaking down crying] My baby is gone!

Rose Nylund: You need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, what's wrong with that?
Rose Nylund: Let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I don't know, Ma, I guess Phil had some deep psychological need and cross dressing provided an emotional outlet.
Rose Nylund: I may be old fashioned, but why didn't he just drink?


"The Golden Girls: Son-in-Law Dearest (#2.23)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: [Regarding 'I Love Lucy', as Dorothy kicks Blanche and Rose out the living room] What about Lucy?
Blanche Devereaux: We can watch it on the portable in the kitchen.
Rose Nylund: But that sets in black and white!

Rose Nylund: Do you want to watch I Like Lucy with us?
Blanche Devereaux: I Love Lucy.
Rose Nylund: I haven't seen it yet so I don't know how I feel about it.

Blanche Devereaux: Lucy played Lucy.
Rose Nylund: Then who did Desi play?
Blanche Devereaux: Desi played Ricky.
Rose Nylund: Why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche Devereaux: Because he wasn't tall enough.

Rose Nylund: [after watching I Love Lucy reruns all night] I never realized you could have that much fun staying up all night.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh? Not even with Charlie?
Rose Nylund: Oh, we never stayed up all night, just 7 to midnight every night, and 5 to 7 every morning, and of course, till noon on Sundays.
Blanche Devereaux: Lord, no wonder you still mourn that man!


"The Golden Girls: Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket? (#4.8)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [about Blanche's jacket] It looks like you got a jacket somebody else returned. It's kind of beat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, that's the style, it's an aviator's jacket.
Blanche Devereaux: And now all I need is some accessories for it.
Rose Nylund: Like a handbag?
Blanche Devereaux: Like an aviator.

Rose Nylund: Oh darn, I forgot to brush my teeth.
Ben: I know what you mean, I'm used to brushing my teeth after every meal... you wouldn't happen to have a meal on you, would you?

Blanche Devereaux: I suppose I could try a little friendly persuasion.
Rose Nylund: Friendly persuasion hell, this isn't for lunch at the Rainbow Room, this is for 10 big ones, give him what he wants!

Rose Nylund: [the lights go out] What's that?
Ben: Oh, bedtime, Rose.
Rose Nylund: Does that mean we have to stop talking?
Ben: No, they just like you to stay in your own bed.


"The Golden Girls: Triple Play (#5.15)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Miles and Rose are just returning from their date] How was your evening?
Miles: Oh, it was terrific, Dorothy. We saw a marvelous production of "The Glass Menagerie".
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, that is one of my favorite plays.
Rose Nylund: Frankly, I was a little disappointed.
Miles: Really?
Rose Nylund: Yeah, when you told me you were taking me to a revival of Tennessee Williams, I was expecting something more along the lines of a séance.

Rose Nylund: You're not having company, are you, Blanche? Because I want everything to go smoothly for Miles and Caroline. It's a big step meeting a man's family.
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche's scheme is to meet men by telling them she's selling a Mercedes she doesn't have] Don't worry about it, honey, men'll be over, but they'll be in and out all day.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Don't say it, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: I have to, Dorothy. At my age, when you don't say it, it can back up on you and come out some other way.
Blanche Devereaux: [later] My first appointment's here, right on time. I've been out there watchin' him. He's been lookin' at the car and smilin'. I feel just like a fisherman with a new lure.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You catch 'em, you clean 'em.
Blanche Devereaux: [James is her first "customer" for the phantom Mercedes, as Blanche goes into action] You stay right there, and I'll get the keys.
James: How much mileage has she got on her?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Sophia looks to Dorothy for a comeback to this tempting line] Let's just say that she's been around the block.
James: [Blanche comes back with the keys, and they go outside] I can't believe anything that beautiful is so cheap.
Sophia Petrillo: [she covers Sophia's mouth, until Blanche and James are gone] I'm crampin' up!

Rose Nylund: Your father tells me you're a classical musician. What do you play?
Caroline: The English Horn.
Rose Nylund: I didn't know horns had nationalities. But I guess it makes sense, if jumping beans can be Mexican, and fire drills can be Chinese, and flies can be Spanish.

Rose Nylund: [distraught] I tried so hard to impress Caroline.
Blanche Devereaux: I remember when a woman had to impress a man's *parents*, not his *children*. Oh, Mama Devereaux was fit to be tied when George introduced me. She wanted her boy to marry a *virgin*.
Rose Nylund: How did she know you weren't?
Sophia Petrillo: Maybe it was all the 'honk if you had Blanche' bumper stickers.


"The Golden Girls: Bedtime Story (#2.17)" (1987)
[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through Bronchitis]
Sophia Petrillo: I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know becasues I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?
Rose Nylund: Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia Petrillo: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [as Rose is praying to God, Dorothy has had enough and lowers her voice before she speaks] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now SHUT UP and get into bed.
Rose Nylund: [wide eyed, thinking it's really the voice of God] Amen!

Rose Nylund: Why don't we wait outside on the platform? The train will be along in a few minutes.
Stationmaster: The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How could our train have left a half-hour early?
Stationmaster: Oh, all the trains out of Appalappichobee leave early. That's what our town's famous for! Now, y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our Trains Leave Early" right on the town seal!
Rose Nylund: You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!
Blanche Devereaux: This is like a Twilight Zone... somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, uh, when is the next train to Miami?
Stationmaster: Well, we've got one scheduled to leave at 6 AM tomorrow morning.
Rose Nylund: Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5:30?
Stationmaster: Welcome to Appalappichobee!

Stationmaster: In fact, "Our Trains Run Late" is even on our city seal.
Rose Nylund: Your city has a seal? Can it play tunes on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No.
[pause]
Stationmaster: But he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first.
Blanche Devereaux: [aside to Dorothy] It's like a "Twilight Zone" episode and we're stuck on a train inside Rose's brain!


"The Golden Girls: Home Again, Rose: Part 1 (#7.21)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [planning to 'crash' a High School reunion that isn't theirs] You have to be prepared. Now, I'm going to go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, Senior Class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?
Rose Nylund: Oh, uh, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose...
Rose Nylund: You can take a yearbook home to your parents.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose...
Rose Nylund: There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, this isn't a riddle.
Rose Nylund: Well, make it one. I had three good answers!

Blanche Devereaux: [the girls are preparing to crash the High School reunion of a school they didn't attend] Rose, all I'm saying is I just want to make sure you're prepared.
Rose Nylund: Look, I studied that yearbook as hard as you did. Ask me anything. Anything.
Blanche Devereaux: OK, I will. What were the school colors?
Rose Nylund: [thinking hard, speaking carefully] Ahhh, uh, Brick, and a kind of cementy color between the bricks.

Blanche Devereaux: [as they're ready to leave to crash a High School reunion, Rose is having second thoughts] Wait a minute, you're deliberately tryin' to get out of going.
Rose Nylund: To tell you the truth, I think I'm a little afraid.
Blanche Devereaux: Afraid of what?
Rose Nylund: Afraid of looking stupid.
Sophia Petrillo: Ho!
Rose Nylund: I think this whole thing is wrong. I mean, we're going to this reunion, and deceiving people, and changing our past histories. To me, that's almost like lying, and that's against everything I am.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, what's the natural color of your hair?
Rose Nylund: I'll get the car.

Rose Nylund: [at the reunion] When no-one was looking, I went by the no-show table and got four name tags for us. Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong, and Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples, and Sophia, you're Myron Zucker.
Sophia Petrillo: Rose, you idiot, there's no way I'm gonna pass for a man. Dorothy, trade with me?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Go to Hell, Myron.


"The Golden Girls: 72 Hours (#5.19)" (1990)
Blanche: [Rose is just coming home] Rose, what were you doin' out so early this mornin'?
Rose: I couldn't sleep, so I went for a spin last night. To Alabama! Blanche, do you know, at a truck stop in Tuscaloosa, they have an egg dish named after you!
Blanche: Really! How are they prepared.
Sophia: [deadpan] Over easy.

Blanche: Hi Rose, what's goin' on?
Rose: Oh I'm just sitting here kicking myself for not taking care of my gallbladder, and for going to that hospital for the operation, and for letting them give me blood without asking first, 'Oh excuse me, are you sure this isn't going to kill me one day'?
Blanche: Now, now, Rose, take it easy.
Rose: Why does everyone keep saying that? I don't *feel* like taking it easy. I might have AIDS, and it scares the hell out of me. And yet every time I open my mouth to talk about it, somebody says 'There, there, Rose, take it easy'.
Blanche: I'm sorry, honey.
Rose: Why me, Blanche? I'm tired of pretending I feel okay so you won't say, 'Take it easy', and I'm tired of you saying 'Take it easy' because you're afraid I'm going to fall apart. Dammit, why is this happening to me? I mean, this isn't supposed to happen to people like me. You must've gone to bed with *hundreds* of men. All I had was one innocent operation.
Blanche: [insulted] Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying this should be me and not you?
Rose: No! No, I'm just saying that I am a good person. Hell, I'm a goody-two-shoes!
Blanche: AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose, it is not God punishin' people for their sins!
Rose: [quietly] You're right, Blanche.
Blanche: Well you're damn straight I'm right!
Blanche: [pause] I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Rose: Oh, don't apologize, I mean this is what I want. Oh, God, this waiting is driving me crazy! Blanche, when you were tested, how did you make it through?
Blanche: Just kept it to myself, and acted like a real bitch to everybody else.
Rose: No wonder we never knew!

Blanche: [Rose is suddenly concerned about a letter she has received] What is it, Rose. Is somethin' wrong?
Rose: I'm not sure. St Luke's Hospital wants me to come in for some kind of test. That's where I had by gallbladder out six years ago.
Dorothy: Can I see it, Rose?
Rose: They throw organs out after surgery.
Dorothy: The letter, Rose.
Rose: Oh.

Rose: [waiting for her AIDS blood test] I haven't been this scared since 1952, when St Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt. Luckily, there were some Druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehengeland, and they said they could stop it, if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin. I don't know why I raised my hand. It must've just been the excitement of the moment. But, they said the only way to prevent the eruption was for me to crawl through their legs, up the volcano, while they gave me my birthday whacks. Well - and you're not going to believe this - it turns out they weren't Druid priests at all, just a bunch of Shriners looking for a good time.


"The Golden Girls: Blanche and the Younger Man (#1.9)" (1985)
Rose: Hi Blanche! Gee, you look terrific!
Blanche: Thanks!
[jogs out the door]
Rose: [to Dorothy] Blanche looks terrible!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's because all she eats is wheat grass and bee pollen.
Rose: I know! And the strange thing is the bees look so good!

Rose: Now come on, why don't you take a nap while I fix you something to eat?
Alma Lindstrom: Rosey, I'm not a child. I don't need a nap.
Rose: There's nothing wrong with take a nap - Bob Hope takes naps!
Sophia Petrillo: Unless he's in the bedroom, now, taking one I think she'd rather stay here with us.

Rose: I want you all to meet my mother, Mrs. Lindstrom. THIS IS BLANCHE AND THIS IS DOROTHY AND SOPHIA!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. TELL ME HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?
Alma Lindstrom: IT WAS JUST FINE!
[to Rose]
Alma Lindstrom: Which one of them is hard of hearing?

Rose: I know I drive you crazy, but it's just because I love you so much. You know, after daddy died, I just thought I'd never get over it. And Charlie... Well, there's not a day goes by that I don't think about him. And now that you're getting older, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you too. That's why I fuss over you so much.
Alma Lindstrom: I understand, Rosie, but stopping me from living isn't going to stop me from dying.
Rose: [They hug] Oh, I can't stand to think about it!
Alma Lindstrom: Well, then, don't. Let's just enjoy what we have...


"The Golden Girls: Take Him, He's Mine (#2.3)" (1986)
Dorothy: I won't be seeing Geoffrey any more. He's leaving town.
Rose Nylund: I knew it. The minute I heard you were dating a sailor, I said to myself there'll be nothing but heartaches. Those squabbies drift into port, park their diddies on your doorstep, show you some tricks they learnt in the Orient and then it's, "Avast me hearties," and they shove off with a serpent tattoo and your heart as souvenirs.
Dorothy: You've been reading Treasure Island again, Rose.

Sophia Petrillo: Rose, let me gve you a few lessons in economics. Lesson one: quit being an idiot.
Rose Nylund: Ok.
Sophia Petrillo: Lesson number two: the law of supply and demand. Before you supply the sandwihes, you demand the money.
Rose Nylund: Ok.
Sophia Petrillo: Lesson number three: quit being an idiot.

Rose Nylund: Dorothy went out with a komodor, Blanche went out with Stan, and I stayed home making bacon, lettuce, and potato sandwiches!

Dorothy: [about dating a Commodore] You know, just when I'd given up hope of meeting someone, along came the most gallant, sophisticated, charming man I'd met in ages.
Rose Nylund: And I bet he knows how to tie a lot of really neat knots!


"The Golden Girls: The Housekeeper (#3.4)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: So, Marguerite, wont you start by telling us a little about yourself.
Marguerite Brown: Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm hard working. Honest. And I'll work for a reasonable wage.
Rose Nylund: That's it?
Marguerite Brown: Alright. I wont go on with this charade any longer. There is something else, I'm black. Now if that's a problem for you, I'm white. Course that'll cost you extra!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite Brown: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose Nylund: Oh, neither do Dorothy and I.

Sophia Petrillo: So what's all this crap about you putting a curse on my daughter?
Marguerite Brown: What is she talking about?
Sophia Petrillo: Don't play dumb with me. I've been known to cast a curse myself. Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers? Wrong, baby! I was tired of her!
Marguerite Brown: Is that what you think this is all about? You think I put a curse on you?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it's true! You got mad at us for firing you, that's why you reversed that love potion you gave me.
Marguerite Brown: Honey, that wasn't love potion. That was Chanel Number 5!
Rose Nylund: I'm not buying that! Dorothy uses Chanel Number 5 all the time and she never attracts men!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [coming onto the lanai carrying a small painted rock] Girls, look what I found under my bed.
Rose Nylund: Gee, that's the most colorful dustball I've ever seen.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This is no dustball, Rose. I think it may be some kind of charm.
Marguerite Brown: [overhearing] It is! I learned it from my grandmother. You put a specially painted rock beneath a person's bed to bring them a restful sleep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you telling me that you put this under my bed?
Marguerite Brown: Well, I was only trying to be helpful! I figured with those terrible bags you needed the rest.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche Devereaux: And besides it'll take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, I have an idea. Why don't each of you take it in turns hitting me with a two by four?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [walking into the kitchen and finding Rose sweeping the floor] Rose why are you cleaning the kitchen? This is Marguerite's job!
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I know what you're gonna say. But I talked to Marguerite on the phone and this time she has a really good excuse for being late.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. What is it?
Rose Nylund: She had to go pluck a hair from the chin of a dawrf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And you fell for that old excuse?


"The Golden Girls: The Artist (#3.13)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: [the girls have been arguing about posing for Lazlo] You, too?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: He asked me last Thursday.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I am stunned.
Rose Nylund: I'm relieved.
Blanche Devereaux: Relieved?
Rose Nylund: Well, sure. The woman you saw in those horrible drawings must have been Dorothy!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, what exactly makes you think he's *your* man?
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Blanche Devereaux: Maybe the fact that I found him first.
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Rose Nylund: What about the fact that he dumped you for me?
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Laszlo, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Who's Laszlo?
Rose Nylund: A Hungarian artist we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia Petrillo: In the future, a simple none of your business, Sophia will suffice!

Rose Nylund: Laszlo, we came over for you to decide once and for all which one of us you want for your statue.
Laszlo: Rose...
Rose Nylund: I knew it! It's me! Walk, suckers! He wants *me*!

Blanche Devereaux: [after the statue has been unveiled] Oh! My God, I look gorgeous!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You? Blanche, that's me!
Rose Nylund: The hell it is!
Blanche Devereaux: Girls, be serious. Look at those eyes.
Rose Nylund: Look at the nose.
Sophia Petrillo: Look at the butt.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, you can't see the butt.
Sophia Petrillo: Then it sure can't be you.


"The Golden Girls: Break In (#1.8)" (1985)
Blanche: [Enters covered in flour] They got my jewels.
Dorothy: But I see they didn't get your cocaine.
Rose: Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?
Blanche: This is flour! I hid my jewels in the flour!

[armed with the gun she bought to protect herself, Rose hears noises from the front door as Blanche and her date are coming in; she shoots towards the door]
Blanche: Rose, you shot my vase.
Rose: I didn't shoot Lester.
Blanche: I'd rather you shot Lester.
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 81 years. I've had pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One morning I'll belch and Stable Mable here will blow my head off.

Rose: They were probably looking for drugs.
Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

Dorothy: [Trying to calm Rose] Honey, we were robbed. It's scary but it happens. And now it's over, and the robbers are gone.
Rose: [Revealing mental trauma] I know. I know that! I know it's over. I know they're gone, but not for me! For me, in my mind, they'll always be here!


"The Golden Girls: Even Grandmas Get the Blues (#6.20)" (1991)
Sophia Petrillo: When was the last time you had sex?
Rose Nylund: A... couple weeks ago.
Sophia Petrillo: Let's not split hairs, Rose, you're the queen of the festival.
Rose Nylund: I'm... I'm the queen?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're also the fool so we're saving a lot on payroll.

Sophia Petrillo: Rose, before you bring out the sauce, tell us what ingredient you added to it?
Rose Nylund: Well I don't want to spoil the surprise. I'll give you a hint: they're sugary, and they're gggggggrrrreat!

Sophia Petrillo: Every generation adds something to the sauce thereby improving it. For instance, it was my great grandmother who added heat.
Rose Nylund: What did you add, Sophia?
Sophia Petrillo: A mouthful of wine.
[Dorothy and Rose look at her]
Sophia Petrillo: It was an accident! A *delicious* accident!

Sophia Petrillo: Hi, pussycat, how was school?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, I hate those smart kids. They may be our brightest but they're also our rudest, considering most of them are guests in our country. No, give me a class of red-blooded underachievers.
Sophia Petrillo: Pussycat, when you were in Junior High school and the kids gave you a hard time, what did I say?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Awww, you told me I was extra-special and they were just jealous.
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. And if they still gave you a hard time, what did I tell you to say?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call. But Ma, this is different. You know, I've always wanted to teach an honors class, but now that I am, well, the kids are making me feel stupid.
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, I'm gonna tell you something I never told you before. When you were about twelve and we lived in Brooklyn, they called me into the school to tell me you had the highest IQ in the borough.
Rose Nylund: That's a coincidence. I was told I had the IQ *of* a burro.


"The Golden Girls: Yes, We Have No Havanas (#4.1)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [to Sophia] Well, you're awfully cranky today.
Sophia Petrillo: Well, forgive me. My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven't showered with a man in twenty-two years!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to be kind] Ma, pop's been dead twenty-seven years.
Sophia Petrillo: What's your point?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [shocked] What are you saying?
Rose Nylund: Isn't it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five years.

Rose Nylund: Oh girls! Girls - guess what I got...
Sophia Petrillo: Wait a minute!
Rose Nylund: I've got...
Sophia Petrillo: Wait a minute! Why do you always come into a room and say 'Girls! Girls!' Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?

Rose Nylund: [proudly] Sophia, I'm a high school graduate!
Sophia Petrillo: Congratulations. Now you can get any job involving a cardboard hat.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [taking roll in the night class she's teaching, Dorothy discovers that Rose is on the list] Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I have a confession to make. I slipped through the cracks of the St Olaf school system.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [mocking] That's very hard to believe. I've seen you almost complete a TV Guide crossword puzzle.
Rose Nylund: It's true. You're looking at a woman without a sheepskin.
Jim Shu: [the Asian man sitting behind Rose overhears] I've got an extra in my wallet I could give you.
Rose Nylund: [shyly] No thanks, I'd rather earn it.
Jim Shu: Meet you at Benihana after class?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose... Rose, you never graduated from High School?
Rose Nylund: Not officially. Three weeks before graduation, I was asked to be in the kissing booth at the Founders Day fair. Unfortunately, the first boy I kissed had a nasty case of mono. That afternoon, I passed it along to fifty young men... and one very confused female P.E. teacher who smelled of Old Spice. I slept day and night for the next six months, and when I finally woke up, I had missed my graduation and the integration of major league baseball.


"The Golden Girls: Hey, Look Me Over (#7.1)" (1991)
[Rose is preparing to discard the pictures of Charlie in bed with Blanche]
Dorothy: Wait a minute, Rose. Have you seen the rest of these pictures?
Rose: I'd rather not.
Dorothy: Honey, I think there's some mistake. Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat! Here's Blanche in bed with a big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree! Honey do you know what this means?
Rose: I sure do!
[to Blanche]
Rose: My God, you're an animal!

Rose: Wait a minute, if you didn't sleep with any of the men in here, why does it say BED on it?
Blanche: Oh it doesn't say bed
Rose: Yes it does, right here.
Blanche: Oh that's just my initials, Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell B.E.D.?

Rose: You expect me to believe that? Come on, Blanche, you've landed on your back more times than...
Dorothy: The American Gladiators.

Blanche: Rose, can't you put yourself in my position?
Rose: Apparently I'm not limber enough!


"The Golden Girls: There Goes the Bride: Part 2 (#6.17)" (1991)
Truby Steele: Who tied dead fish to the car?
Rose Nylund: It's a St. Olaf tradition- you keep driving until you can't stand the smell anymore and that's where you live!
Truby Steele: [to Blanche] Crazy or stupid?
Blanche Devereaux: We think it's a mix.

Truby Steele: Oh, my husband passed.
Rose Nylund: Passed what?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: A slow-moving Winnebago, Rose!

Rose Nylund: Oh, by the way, Blanche, Chuck at the gas station says "yo."
Blanche Devereaux: Chuck from Arco or Chuck from Shell?
Rose Nylund: Chuck from Shell.
Blanche Devereaux: Big Chuck from Shell or Little Chuck from Shell?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, you're spending too much time at the full-service island.


"The Golden Girls: Till Death Do We Volley (#4.19)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: I was the butt of all kinds of jokes growing up. Actually, it ran in the family. In our breakfast room, we had one whole wall covered with "Kick Me" signs we had collected. Ahhh, there was a story attached to each one of them. And in some cases, the original Scotch tape.

Rose Nylund: [preparing for the visit of Dorothy's High School friend, Trudy] I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.
Blanche Devereaux: [the master of restrained ridicule] Cheese and crackers, Rose. Not Eggs Gefluffen? Ham and Gudrehagens? Pigs in a Svengebluten?
Rose Nylund: No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!

Trudy McMann: [reminiscing about their long history of playing practical jokes on each other, conversation turns to Dorothy's loss to Trudy for class treasurer in High School] I admired you after that loss, Dorothy. You just picked up the pieces and went on, just like you did after Stanley ran off with that stewardess. Boy, I envy you your gumption.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And I your breast implants.
Blanche Devereaux: This may not be my place, but you two hardly sound like old friends.
Trudy McMann: Blanche is right. We should be more positive. Dorothy, you look wonderful.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Awww. The left one turned out nice.
Rose Nylund: [scolding] Dorothy...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Rose, I'm just kidding. They're both practically the same size. How 'bout giving me a hand in the kitchen.
Jack McMann: Were they like that in High School, Mrs Petrillo?
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, no, her breasts were actually a lot smaller back then.


"The Golden Girls: Job Hunting (#1.22)" (1986)
Dorothy: Rose, get up, you have a phone call.
Rose Nylund: [half asleep] Is it time to milk the cows, Daddy?
Dorothy: No kitten, you have a phone call.
Rose Nylund: [takes out her earplugs] What?
Dorothy: YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL, it's your friend MILTON!
Rose Nylund: Oh my goodness, why's he calling so late?
Dorothy: Well you told him to call day or night!
Rose Nylund: That was just an expression, like laugh and the world laughs with you, well the whole world doesn't really laugh.

Rose Nylund: [looking through the refrigerator] Oh, you'll never guess what I found!
Dorothy: Judge Crater.
Rose Nylund: Cheesecake!

Rose Nylund: [looking in the fridge] Ohhhhh you'll never guess what I found!
Dorothy: Jimmy Hoffa!
Rose Nylund: Pepperoni.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh oh.
Dorothy: Don't tell Ma.


"The Golden Girls: The Audit (#3.10)" (1987)
Mr. Escobar: ¡Buenos días, señoritas!
Rose Nylund: ¡Buenos días! ¿Cómo está? ¡Queremos todo tu dinero!
Mr. Escobar: [raising hands up] Please! Don't hurt me, just take my money!
Rose Nylund: I'm sorry, I think got my verbs mixed up!

Rose Nylund: Norweigans are notoriously bad at Spanish.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I guess that's why there are no herring tacos.

Rose Nylund: I can't get my promotion unless I become bilingual.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh no! Honey don't do that, no job is worth having to date women!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche! Bilingual means someone who speaks more than one language!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh!
[laughs]
Blanche Devereaux: And here I thought it was something sexual.


"The Golden Girls: Sisters and Other Strangers (#5.21)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking about sisters] When I was a little girl I had this doll, Mrs. Dolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to touch...
Sophia Petrillo: Do we have to hear that damn Mrs. Dolittle story again? So your sister broke your doll, it was over 50 years ago.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It was very traumatic. It was my favorite doll.
Rose Nylund: I have a sister story...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And she didn't just break it, she fixed it so the eyes would never close again. She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Magda: Now the way it was we knew what to do. When there is one road no one gets lost.
Rose Nylund: Not so, back in St. Olaf...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, is this a story about getting lost?
Rose Nylund: Yes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well don't tell us, show us.

Rose Nylund: [Stan's communist cousin is making Rose uncomfortable] This is terrible. I was raised to *hate* communists. I remember in the early '50s, when McCarthy came to St Olaf to speak in the town square. I was never so moved by a public speaker, although some people thought he was a puppet for the Right Wing. No, wait, that was Charlie McCarthy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'd have put money on that.
Rose Nylund: But still, St Olaf's town motto was, 'Better Ned than Red'. Ned was sort of the town idiot.
Sophia Petrillo: When, on your days off?


"The Golden Girls: If at Last You Do Succeed (#6.3)" (1990)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Stan is telling the Girls about his latest invention] What is it this time, Stanley? Whoopee cushions for the hearing-impaired?
Stan Zbornak: It's not a novelty, it's a Zbornie!
Rose Nylund: What's a Zbornie?
Dorothy Zbornak: I put up with it for thirty-eight years, Rose, you don't want to know.
Stan Zbornak: It's not that, Dorothy, I just used the same name.

Blanche Devereaux: Are you tellin' me that St Olaf printed its own War Bonds?
Rose Nylund: Yes. Oh, we were very patriotic. In late '42, we wanted to fund the development of a top-secret weapon that we were sure would end the war: attack cows.
Blanche Devereaux: Take me now, Lord.
Rose Nylund: No-one expects trouble from a cow. The plan was, we would drop these highly-trained, killer cows behind the enemy lines. It wasn't 'til they were airborne that we realized, a cow can't pull a ripcord. Well, the project wasn't a total failure. If there's one thing the Germans hate, it's a mess!

Blanche Devereaux: They're not gonna redeem the bonds?
Rose Nylund: Oh, they want to, but the city would have to liquidate all its assets. St Olaf would be bankrupt.
Blanche Devereaux: And this affects me how?
Rose Nylund: Don't you understand? If we take that money, there won't be any left for the police cars, and the fire trucks, and the Children's Cheese Museum.
Blanche Devereaux: You have a museum where children go to look at cheese?
Rose Nylund: Hey, it beats learning about it in the streets.


"The Golden Girls: Empty Nests (#2.26)" (1987)
[the girls' friend and neighbour Renee is worried that her doctor husband spends too long at work and doesn't have much time for her]
Blanche Devereaux: Talk to your husband.
Renee Corliss: Blanche, at the hospital they call him St. George! I'm married to a saint and I'm gonna tell him to work less, I'm lonely?
Sophia Petrillo: Dont you think St. Francis of Assisi's wife had a similar problem? Don't you think she said, "Frank, enough donkeys"?
Renee Corliss: So what do I do? Ask George to cut back on his practice because I don't want to eat alone?
Rose Nylund: Oh no, don't do that. I couldn't possibly go to another doctor.
Renee Corliss: See?
Rose Nylund: George is the only man to ever see me naked.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: Well, except for Charlie, of course.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: And the vet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The vet?
Rose Nylund: Our prize hen, Henrietta, had some kind of a chicken disease. I don't exactly know what it was.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Chickenpox.
Rose Nylund: No, I don't think so. Anyway, I had an earache so he saw us both at the same time.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: For that you got naked?
Rose Nylund: I thought that was strange, too.

Renee Corliss: Dorothy, it's crazy, but I feel like, how can I bother him? He's doing all this important stuff. Saving lives. And I'm gonna bother him because I'm a little unhappy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Renee, Jenny just left for college. All your kids are gone. This is a perfectly legitimate problem.
Rose Nylund: It's the "Empty Nest" syndrome. When I had it, I didn't know what it was. I was just very depressed. By the time I figured out what it was, I was gonna tell Charlie, but he died that night.

Renee Corliss: At two in the morning, waiting for George to come home, I called a radio talk show. I gave them the solution to the crisis in the Middle East.
Rose Nylund: [excited] Giving the Palestinians Greenland?
Renee Corliss: [delighted] You heard it?
Rose Nylund: I didn't know that was you. You were great!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [after a pause to let it sink in] Giving the Palestinians Greenland?
Renee Corliss: It's a big place. Nobody uses it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You would take a desert people and put them in the ice and snow?
Rose Nylund: With the proper clothes, they'll be fine.


"The Golden Girls: One for the Money (#3.2)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Blanche and Dorothy walking into the kitchen, Dorothy carrying a large pizza box] Hi Rose.
Blanche Devereaux: We brought dinner.
Rose Nylund: What'd ya get?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still holding pizza box] A bucket of chicken.
[Thunderous laughter from the audience]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I hope you like it extra flat and crispy?
Blanche Devereaux: It's a pizza Rose.
Rose Nylund: I knew that, I meant what kind is it?
Blanche Devereaux: Did you *really* know that?
Rose Nylund: [sarcasticly] No, but I thought I could cover.

Rose: When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.
Dorothy: How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part?

[at a dance contest]
Rose: [to her dance partner] You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf to kick off Pretzel Week. My Uncle Gunther, after the Great Beernut Shortage of '29-...
Dorothy: Foul! Foul! Send a judge over here!
[pointing at Rose]
Dorothy: This woman is trying to put us to sleep!


"The Golden Girls: An Illegitimate Concern (#5.18)" (1990)
[Blanche is upset after discovering her late husband had cheated on her in 1967, fathering an illegitimate son]
Blanche Devereaux: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose Nylund: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.
Blanche Devereaux: What's the other theory?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Men are scum.

Blanche Devereaux: [a young man comes to the door asking for Blanche's husband] My husband passed away a few years ago.
David: Oh, I see.
Blanche Devereaux: What did you want George for?
David: I'm sellin' encyclopedias, and his name was at the top of my list of leads. I hope I haven't bothered you, and I'm truly sorry about your husband.
[he leaves]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, now that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?
Rose Nylund: And you know what else is so strange about it. He didn't bring them in.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, no encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door to door.
Rose Nylund: Are you kidding? In St Olaf, they carry 52.
Blanche Devereaux: Why?
Rose Nylund: Balance!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, why don't they just carry thirteen in each hand?
Rose Nylund: [pauses to think it over] Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I knew I never should have gotten involved in this mother-daughter pageant. I just wish I'd known how to say "No" to it.
Rose Nylund: I know what you mean. I should have said "No" to the Miss St Olaf beauty pageant. It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter, too.


"The Golden Girls: On Golden Girls (#1.6)" (1985)
Rose Nylund: This is like "The Long Day's Journey Into Light".
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: "Night", Rose.
Rose Nylund: 'Night, Dorothy.
[goes off to bed]

Blanche Devereaux: Whatever will we do with him for two weeks?
Rose Nylund: Oh there are plenty of things to do down here. We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquariam, the Everglades, Rambo.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rambo?
Rose Nylund: The movie, with Sly Stallone.
Sophia Petrillo: I sat through it twice, you'll love it, he sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on.

Blanche Devereaux: [on the phone with Janet] If you don't straighten up and give that boy the love and attention he deserves, I will kick your upty butt till hell won't have it again!
[hangs up]
Blanche Devereaux: She'll call us right back, she has to wake the Yankee.
Rose Nylund: Well done, Blanche!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh absolutely, nice bluff.
Blanche Devereaux: That was no bluff, I meant every word of it. I'd love the chance to raise David, I might make up for the mistake I made with Janet.


"The Golden Girls: Three on a Couch (#3.11)" (1987)
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I have read every want-ad in the paper. Mine is not here. Are you sure you dropped it off at the newspaper office?
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, you told me exactly what you wanted me to do a dozen times. Any idiot could have done it.
Dorothy Zbornak: I know, honey, but you were the only one going downtown.

Rose Nylund: Dorothy, you owe me an apology. Your ad's right here.
Dorothy Zbornak: [mortified] Oh, Rose, this is the Personals column.
Rose Nylund: So what?
Dorothy Zbornak: So what? You put an ad in the Personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour? It's right under an ad that reads, 'History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson.'
Jerry: [later, as Dorothy is saying goodbye with apologies to a priest she mistakenly thought was resonding to her ad, Jerry comes barging through the front door and approaches Rose] Hi, here's my eight dollars. Let's get started, Dorothy.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm not Dorothy, she is.
Jerry: [takes a good look at Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
Dorothy Zbornak: [outraged] How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?
Jerry: [ecstatic] Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars.
Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy throws Jerry out, just as Blanche is coming home] Girls. Girls, there is a bus-load of Greek sailors out front. They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!

Rose Nylund: Dorothy Zbornak, you're a barbell!
Dorothy Zbornak: That's a DUMBBELL, you twit!


"The Golden Girls: Room Seven (#7.10)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: [after Dorothy pretends to be the voice of Blanche's dead grammy] Feets don't fail me now!

Blanche Devereaux: I can go days without food, weeks if that's what it takes.
Rose Nylund: Oh come on, Blanche, you've been known to debone a chicken from across the room!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looks out the window, and up] Ma! Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Just living for the day, pussycat! I never jumped into a haystack before!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Geronimo!
[jumps off the ledge]
Blanche Devereaux: Is she okay?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah I think so, Rose broke her fall. ROSE, are you alright?
Rose Nylund: Charlie? Charlie is that you?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh great! ANOTHER one who hears voices!


"The Golden Girls: Mary Has a Little Lamb (#5.13)" (1990)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Listen to this, "If I were truly free, O fire of my loins, I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked together in a frenzy of love.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, who wrote that?
Sophia Petrillo: Merrill Kellog.
Dorothy Zbornak: Merrill Kell... Who's he?
Sophia Petrillo: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.
Dorothy Zbornak: [snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison that Blanche has been writing to.
Rose Nylund: How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia Petrillo: [taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Blanche Deveraux: [entering the kitchen] Good morning girls.
Sophia Petrillo: Good morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter
[hands it to Blanche and leaves]
Rose Nylund: Blanche, I didn't!
Blanche Deveraux: Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another one of those letters form Merrill. I would read it to you anyway. They're not personal.
Dorothy Zbornak: Not personal! The man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.
Blanche Deveraux: Well, sure. And I wrote him I want to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia trees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!
Rose Nylund: Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.
Blanche Deveraux: [obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.

Rose Nylund: Back in St Olaf, our justice system is very progressive. Their motto was, "Use a gun, go apologize".

Dorothy Zbornak: [the Girls are discussing natural childbirth classes] I wish I had known about them when I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do, except scream at Stan never to touch me again and call him every name in the book.
Rose Nylund: Rough labor?
Dorothy Zbornak: Rough conception.


"The Golden Girls: The Way We Met (#1.25)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Hey, I think we'd get along great. I got a feeling you're a wild woman.
Rose Nylund: Oh, you bet I am! I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don't wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I've been known to put away more than one eggnog.

Rose Nylund: I'll make it up to you, Dorothy. I promise. Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya."
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes I do... Don't ever do that.

Rose Nylund: This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
Blanche Devereaux: The Great Herring War?
Rose Nylund: Yes, between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Rose Nylund: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, well that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
Rose Nylund: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring, and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
Blanche Devereaux: Weren't they kind of hard to see riding on the elephants?
Rose Nylund: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Uh, tell me, Rose, um... Ah-ha ha ha!... Did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?
Rose Nylund: Only once. But they shot him into a tree. After that no other herring would do it.


"The Golden Girls: Rose the Prude (#1.3)" (1985)
[Rose is worried about going on a cruise with a man she likes. She worries that she will have to do "it."]
Rose: I haven't slept with another man since Charlie died.
Blanche: Oh, get outta here!
Dorothy: Shut up, Blanche. Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port!

Rose: I fell discouraged.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.

Rose: I feel depressed.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of coke.


"The Golden Girls: The Monkey Show (#7.8)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: [running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There."
[plays a piano intro, then sings]
Rose Nylund: Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.
Rose Nylund: Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll!
[grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.]
Rose Nylund: We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...
Blanche Devereaux: Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.
Sophia Petrillo: [over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: In every relationship, there are always times when you don't want to be with each other. I mean, Stan and I went through a period when we had no marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.
Rose Nylund: You mean it grows back?

Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy has just returned from her last therapy session with former husband Stan] Oh, you're back from your session early. Was it as cathartic as you thought?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, I don't know if "cathartic" is the word.
Rose Nylund: You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am. Like, "Was it cathartic? Oh, I've had a catharticism. 'Course, I'm not the type to kiss and catharterize."


"The Golden Girls: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? (#6.8)" (1990)
Sophia Petrillo: I've always had a dream, a very private dream, one I never talked about. When I was growing up, I wanted to join the convent. Well, until I was seventeen.
Rose Nylund: What happened then?
Sophia Petrillo: [to Dorothy] Your father put his hand in my blouse.
Blanche Devereaux: So?
Sophia Petrillo: So, I felt soiled, filthy, dirty. You know, in love.

Rose Nylund: Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the 'phone for a half hour, and guess what?
Blanche Devereaux: You forgot to dial first?
Rose Nylund: No.
Dorothy Zbornak: You held the receiver upside down.
Rose Nylund: Huh-uh.
Dorothy Zbornak: It wasn't even the 'phone, it was the TV remote control.
Rose Nylund: No.
Blanche Devereaux: A shoe?
Rose Nylund: Blanche, please, I'm not an idiot... The TV has a remote control?

Dorothy Zbornak: [after Sophia leaves to join a convent] God, I miss that woman. Say what you want about her, we all loved having her around.
Rose Nylund: I miss someone to have a chat with at midnight.
Blanche Devereaux: You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me. The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like, 'Tramp', 'Floozie', 'Trollop', 'Harlot', 'Magic Carpet Ride'.
Rose Nylund: [everyone joins in the fun] 'The Human Luge'.
Dorothy Zbornak: But she was never cuter than when she simply called you, 'Shore Leave'.


"The Golden Girls: 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas (#2.11)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche! How exciting!
Blanche Devereaux: Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation, when my best friend, Lisa Jane Biedler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No, this was Richard Jay Wilde. And believe me, his name said it all! Huh-huh-huh! We must've pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Ha-hah!
Rose Nylund: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Blanche Devereaux: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous he made Richard Jay Wilde look like a pre-pubescent choirboy.
Rose Nylund: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No-no, no. Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled. And the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "Hm-hm... May I cut in?" Well when I turned, I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Albert: George.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh, no. No. Thomas Pennville. Uh-huh. Well, after Thomas and I left...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!

Rose Nylund: We could have an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, I am not going to drink eggnog while wearing a metal brassiere.
Rose Nylund: We don't do that at Christmas, Dorothy, we do that at Easter.

Rose Nylund: Sophia, look out, he has a gun!
Sophia Petrillo: [steals the gun from Santa] This is a toy!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I don't believe it!
Sophia Petrillo: Neither do I, you call yourself an Italian and you can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece?


"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy's Little Lady (#2.6)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [singing] "Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice. Miami is nice, Miami is nice, Miami is..." Wait a minute, wait a minute, *wait a minute*. You put in an extra "Miami is nice".
Rose Nylund: I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense. I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice."
Rose Nylund: Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice."
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Thrice! Who the hell says "thrice"?
Rose Nylund: It's a word.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: So is inter-uterine. It does not belong in a song.
Rose Nylund: [trying to make it work] "Miami... you're cuter than... an inter-uter-ann".

Big Daddy: Well, now I don't want you to get too excited, but Margaret and I are planning on walking down the aisle together.
Blanche Devereaux: OHHHHHHH!
Big Daddy: Is she happy or sad?
Rose Nylund: I'm not sure, I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Rose and Dorothy are discussing whether they should enter a Miami song writing competition] You know, Rose, I have to confess, I dabbled a little in poetry writing in High School.
Rose Nylund: Oh, well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of tall girls who wouldn't get dates wrote poetry in High School.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I meant that for ten thousand dollars, I might try my hand at lyric writing. I mean, maybe we could, you know, team up.
Rose Nylund: You mean music by Rose Nylund, lyrics by Dorothy Zbornak?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, why not? I mean, we could be the next Rodgers and Hammerstein, the next Simon and Garfunkel, the next...
Rose Nylund: [excited] Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I don't know if I could get my hand that far up your dress... But I'll tell you, for ten thousand dollars, I'd be willing to give it a try.


"The Golden Girls: There Goes the Bride: Part 1 (#6.16)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: Who is this secret man you're seein'?
Rose Nylund: Oh, it's not a secret. His name is Ray. He's a friend of Miles.
Blanche Devereaux: You are dating a friend of Miles? You scalywag.
Sophia Petrillo: You skunkweed.
Blanche Devereaux: What's that mean?
Sophia Petrillo: I don't know. What does yours mean?

Blanche Devereaux: Goin' out with your boyfriend's friend is very exciting. Take it from me. I wrote the book on dating.
Rose Nylund: Really? What's it called?
Blanche Devereaux: It doesn't have a title, you twit.
Dorothy Zbornak: [Dorothy enters, wearing a bathrobe to keep Sophia from finding out she's dressed to go out with Stan] Hi. Ahh, sorry. Well, good night.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, you going to bed already?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, what's so terrible about going right to bed?
Rose Nylund: Hey, Blanche, that's a great title for your book!

Blanche Devereaux: Well, did you have a good time tonight?
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, it was wonderful. Oh, girls, I cannot tell you how nice it is to be with Stan lately. He's fun, and attentive, and sweet, oh, even in the bedroom he's just... well, he's really brought new meaning to the word 'solicitous'.
Rose Nylund: [giggling, then looking confused] What was the old meaning again?


"The Golden Palace: Can't Stand Losing You (#1.6)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [Roland is going into the hotel office to help Oliver with his homework] Oh, Roland, you don't have to be here. I gave you the night off.
Roland Wilson: No, I kinda want to stay in for Oliver. It's OK, I don't mind, I'm a workaholic.
Rose Nylund: [Rose overhears the end of the conversation as Roland is leaving] Oh my God, he's been drinking workahol?

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, don't you think it's kinda strange that Roland hasn't taken one night off since we've been here?
Rose Nylund: And I know why. He's lonely. He hasn't been dating, there's no love in his life. I should know. I'm the expert on love.
Blanche Devereaux: [scoffing] Oh, please! Get real! You've had, what, three men the last 40 years? I had that many between the Kennedy and Oswald assassinations.
Rose Nylund: Yeah, and how many of that faceless horde say 'I love you'?
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, if I touch 'em in the right place, I can get 'em to say, 'It's Howdy Doody time'!

Sophia Petrillo: I think there's a very simple reason Roland doesn't date women.
Rose Nylund: Why?
Sophia Petrillo: Because they're not men.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, you don't mean...
Sophia Petrillo: Please! I haven't seen a flame that big since I went to Arlington Cemetery.


"The Golden Girls: Mother Load (#7.6)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: [her colleague, Jerry Kennedy, the local TV station's news anchor is coming to the house] Boy, the timing of Jerry's visit works out perfectly for me. See, his birthday is in two weeks and the office is giving him a surprise roast. So I have to come up with one or two things I can kid him about. I can get away with it, because he considers me a good friend.
Dorothy: Well, then, why not tease him about his taste in friends.

Blanche Devereaux: [entering the room, feigning surprise] Oh, my goodness, we have company. I'm just so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing.
Sophia: Don't worry, Blanche, the dress covers most of it.
Rose Nylund: Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux. And Blanche, this is...
Blanche Devereaux: Why, you don't have to tell *me*. "From the Gulf Coast to the Atlantic, from the Keys to the Okefenokee, with the 11 O'Clock News, this is Jerry Kennedy."
Jerry Kennedy: Well, I'm flattered.
Sophia: From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl...
[Dorothy quickly covers Sophia's mouth]

Dorothy: [Blanche comes into the house moaning after a date] Why do I feel the need to bathe?
Rose Nylund: So, how was it, Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, you might as well ask me to describe the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.
Dorothy: [interpreting] They went to a sleazy motel.
Blanche Devereaux: Or the colors of the monarch butterfly, spreadin' its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon.
Dorothy: She got him to pay for half the room.
Blanche Devereaux: Or the sturdy cypress, reaching heavenward, tall and mighty and proud.
Dorothy: That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.


"The Golden Girls: In a Bed of Rose's (#1.15)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I'm the kiss of death. It's the second time a man has died in my bed.
Blanche Devereaux: The second time?
Rose Nylund: Dorothy knows.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Charlie.
Blanche Devereaux: No! What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Nothing!
Blanche Devereaux: Well maybe that's the problem, they have to do all the work.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Sophia tells them that Arnie is dead] Ma, he is not, Rose, you go look.
Rose Nylund: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping, I don't want to wake him.
Sophia Petrillo: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Rose Nylund: [Dorothy tries to convince Rose to notify Al's family] I can't tell her where he died!
Sophia Petrillo: Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers and you found him on the lawn.
Rose Nylund: That's not bad.


"The Golden Girls: End of the Curse (#2.1)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: How do you know if a grasshopper is Spanish?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

Rose Nylund: She's in there.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Really Columbo?

Rose: How can you tell if a grasshopper is Spanish?
Dorothy: Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.


"The Golden Girls: Flu Attack (#1.21)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I just feel a little achey.
Dorothy: What kind of achey? Head-achey, stomach achey, what?

Sophia Petrillo: What're you doing?
Rose Nylund: We're having a group hug, Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo: Well knock it off, the neighbors are going to get the wrong idea.

Blanche: I feel hot.
Dorothy: I feel cold.
Rose Nylund: I feel guilty. This is all my fault.
Dorothy: Oh no Rose, it's all my fault. As soon as I found out you were contagious I should've thrown you out of the house.


"The Golden Girls: All Bets Are Off (#5.24)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, why are you up?
Sophia Petrillo: Same reason you're up.
Blanche Devereaux: You're filled with anxiety?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm old.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not old.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, forgive me. I'm supposed to support your vain, narcissistic fantasy that you're still in your 40's.
Blanche Devereaux: It's either that or a big rent raise.
Rose Nylund: Hi, you guys. What are you doing up?
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia's old and I'm filled with anxiety.

Rose Nylund: Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever. Can't you just swallow your pride?
Sophia Petrillo: There's no room for it. She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy!
Blanche Devereaux: Why are you insulting me?
Sophia Petrillo: It's a defense mechanism. I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well I understand. In that case, I won't take it personally.
Sophia Petrillo: Thanks, you human mattress.


"The Golden Girls: A Visit from Little Sven (#3.9)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, did anything happen between you and Sven that would make him think that you liked him?
[Blanche seems reluctant to answer]
Sven: You mean you didn't tell them about you kissing me?
Rose Nylund: KISSING him?
Sven: Or stroking my hair?
Rose Nylund: Stroking his hair?
Sven: Or feeding me?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sees that Rose is speechless] All right, I'll say it. FEEDING him?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looking at an erotic cake Rose unwittingly bought] WHOA OH!
Blanche Devereaux: Why Rose Nylund. Why, that cake is in the shape of...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, we know what it is.
Rose Nylund: I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
Blanche Devereaux: That reminds me... I gotta give Charlie Melbourne a call.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If this cake reminds you of Charlie Melbourne, we can BOTH give him a call!


"The Golden Girls: Strange Bedfellows (#3.7)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: [reading the morning paper] They caught Gil Kessler having an affair.
Dorothy Zbornak: [assuming it's a joke] Oh, you're kidding. With whom?
Rose Nylund: Well, they don't know her name, but look, they hid in the bushes and took this picture of her from behind going into his house.
Dorothy Zbornak: I don't believe th... wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress.
Sophia: And those look like Blanche's red shoes.
Dorothy Zbornak: And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
Rose Nylund: [outraged] That little floozie stole Blanche's clothes!
Dorothy Zbornak: It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen! Rose, Blanche *is* that little floozie!
Rose Nylund: You... you mean he...
Sophia: She's at the fifty.
Rose Nylund: They...
Sophia: The forty.
Rose Nylund: She...
Sophia: The thirty.
Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Blanche, it's *you*!
Blanche: [mocking] Oh, you're getting so good at that, Rose, now who's that over there?

Rose Nylund: [a local politician reveals a long-held secret] I'm still confused about the operation Gil Kessler had. Is the man asleep during it?
Dorothy Zbornak: [wearily] I think so, Rose.
Rose Nylund: And what about the parts they put on. Do they test them first?
Dorothy Zbornak: [mocking] Of course, Rose, like windshield wipers.
Rose Nylund: So they work?
Dorothy Zbornak: I assume so, yes.
Rose Nylund: What are they made of?
Dorothy Zbornak: [exasperated] Silly Putty, Rose!


"The Golden Girls: Clinton Avenue Memoirs (#5.16)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: Woe is me, woe, oh, woe is me.
Dorothy Zbornak: Problem, Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes. It's my hair. It has split ends, it's dull and listless, it makes my face look...
[she pauses to think]
Dorothy Zbornak: Its age?
Blanche Devereaux: If you're gonna make fun of somebody, make fun of Rose.
[Rose looks up from her work at the kitchen table with a "why me?, what did I do?" look]
Blanche Devereaux: I need the professional care of the most talented hairdresser in Miami, Robaire. Oh, he's brilliant. Do you know he was the first one ever to use mousse?
Rose Nylund: I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche. Mr Ingrid of St Olaf has been using moose ever since I can remember. Of course, it's his own professional secret which part of the moose he uses.

Rose Nylund: Sophia, Dorothy, how'd it go at the doctor's?
Dorothy Zbornak: It was great! He said that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet, and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.
Sophia Petrillo: [not sharing Dorothy's optimism] Oh, lucky me. I can remember from now on. My whole past is gone. I could have slept with JFK, and don't even know it.
Dorothy Zbornak: [trying hard not to laugh] Ma, I don't think so. You're not mentioned in any of the books.
Blanche Devereaux: [in a low, sultry voice] Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, come on now. I mean, he also said that there are things that you can do that might bring back some of what you've lost. I mean, we could talk about the good old days, reminisce with old friends. Honey, you have to look on the bright side.
Sophia Petrillo: I've had a lifetime of bright sides. I'll just have to learn to do without them.
[she leaves]
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, dammit. I hate watching what this is doing to her.
Blanche Devereaux: I hate watching what it's doin' to you.
Rose Nylund: I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginning of video rentals.


"The Golden Girls: Mrs. George Devereaux (#6.9)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: Someone was actually able to deceive me once.
Sophia Petrillo: Do tell, Rose.
Rose Nylund: St. Olaf's most famous OBMAG.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What's that?
Rose Nylund: Obstetrician-Magician. The Amazing Shapiro. He delivered Bridget. But it was so confusing. "It's a girl! Now it's a dove... Now it's a glass of milk." I don't know how he got her in that deck of cards, but there she was right after the King of Hearts. "Is this your baby?"

Blanche Devereaux: I'm back to my old self, Blanche Devereaux has returned.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh boy. Strike up the gland...
[she leaves the room]
Blanche Devereaux: How rude. You'd think she'd feel sorry for me.
Rose Nylund: To tell you the truth, I don't feel sorry for you either. I mean, why should I? My Charlie is dead, and nobody's giving me a second chance. Listen, Blanche, I know what it's like to have a husband suddenly taken. I never had a chance to say all those things I would have wanted to say. Well, you must know how that feels.
Blanche Devereaux: Yes, but after what he did to me...
Rose Nylund: Blanche, this isn't about getting even. For nine years you've been missing George. Well he's here, and I'm jealous of you. Tell him you love him, tell him you hate him, I don't care, but just see him before he leaves. Do it for yourself. Do it for all of us who wish we had the chance.


"The Golden Girls: Larceny and Old Lace (#3.21)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [about Rocco, Sophia's latest boyfriend] ... Ever since ma started seeing him she's on the phone all the time she stays up all night, last night she came with Niquel on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, can I ask you something?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't know what it means - I just don't like the possibilities.
Rose Nylund: No - I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I haven't noticed.
Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Hi, Blanche!
Blanche Devereaux: ...Must you always be so cheerful you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off!
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

Rose Nylund: Hi girls... gee what's my diary doing here? Next to a pair of pliers?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, whatever it is you're thinking - it isn't true.
Rose Nylund: Good - then George Bush isn't married to his mother?


"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy (#1.24)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: Oh, Sophia. I want to explain about last night. When I was a little girl, one summer we had a terrible thunderstorm...
Sophia Petrillo: [cuts off Rose] Excuse me, Rose. Have I given you any indication at all that I care?

Sophia Petrillo: [Rose is leaving for work] While you're out there, Rose, why don't you pull a few weeds out of the sidewalk?
Rose Nylund: Okey dokey.
[leaves]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you said you'd weed the sidewalk.
Sophia Petrillo: I said I'd get it done, it's getting done!


"The Golden Palace: The Chicken and the Egg (#1.24)" (1993)
Blanche Devereaux: [looking forward to her date with Bobby Lee] I have a feeling he's going to ask me a 'special question' tonight.
Chuy Castillos: Oh, yeah? I assumed you were goin' out with him because it's your birthday tomorrow.
Roland Wilson: Oh, wait, so that's why Rebecca's comin' in.
Blanche Devereaux: [annoyed] Yeah, that's right. Daughters just love to come watch their mothers get older.
Rose Nylund: [patronizing to the hilt] Oh, honey, I'm sure she's coming to watch you get fatter, too.

Blanche Devereaux: Bobby Lee has asked for my hand in marriage... And I accepted.
Roland Wilson: You did?
Blanche Devereaux: I did!
Rose Nylund: I don't know what to say.
Sophia Petrillo: I do. Congratulations!
[everyone enthusiastially agrees]
Blanche Devereaux: Wait a minute, wait, there's more. He also asked me to have his baby. And I said 'Yes' to that, too.
[stunned silence]
Roland Wilson: You did?
Blanche Devereaux: I did!
Rose Nylund: I don't know what to say.
Sophia Petrillo: I do. You're old!
Rose Nylund: Sophia!
Sophia Petrillo: What? She's a fossil.
Blanche Devereaux: I am not!
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, puh-leeze.
Rose Nylund: Come on, Blanche. Sophia exaggerates, but she does make a point. I think it may be too late in your life to have a baby. I mean, don't you think maybe that ship has sailed?
Sophia Petrillo: [slowly, emphatically] THAT SHIP HAS SUNK!


"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: We never had a barbeque in St. Olaf after the tragedy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I guess we have to ask.
Sophia Petrillo: No we don't.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: She'll work it in anyway. What tragedy, Rose?
Rose Nylund: I can't talk about it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine.
Sophia Petrillo: Good.
Rose Nylund: But it had to do with barbequing elk, a big fire and someone who lost his balance.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Got it.
Sophia Petrillo: Clear as a bell.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [talking about her upcoming trip to New York] I'm going just for two days, to see a doctor. I've asked Rose to go with me.
Blanche Devereaux: [offended] Rose? Why her?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: She's comforting.
Blanche Devereaux: And I'm not?
Sophia Petrillo: You told me you were having a pedicure when your husband was dyin'.
Blanche Devereaux: Well of course I was, Sophia. It was the third Thursday of the month. If I'd cancelled, that would have been it for July and August, when I'd be wearin' open-toed sandals.
Sophia Petrillo: [mocking] Angel of mercy!
Blanche Devereaux: Well I didn't know he was gonna pick that precise hour to die. How could I know that?
Rose Nylund: Well, he was in a coma.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, he'd been in a coma for days. The fact is, I happen to be very good with sick people. I was once a candy-stripper.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's *striper*.


"The Golden Girls: The Heart Attack (#1.10)" (1985)
Blanche Devereaux: What do you want to be, buried or cremated?
Rose Nylund: Neither.
Blanche Devereaux: What do you want to be, flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I knew this woman who went to Paris, went out to eat and she just had watercrest, because you know she didn't want to gain weight. And when she left, this gargoyle fell off the roof, hit her on the head and killed her! And just look at what her last meal was.
Blanche Devereaux: That's horrible, here, eat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Of course it'll be just my luck, I'll eat, I'll gain 40 pounds and I'll live to be 90.
Rose Nylund: Me too, I'm as healthy as a horse, unfortunately I'll wind up looking like one.


"The Golden Girls: Yokel Hero (#4.4)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: If it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche Devereaux: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose Nylund: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche Devereaux: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... Oh god - it's making sense!

[On an airplane flying to Rose's hometown of St. Olaf]
Rose: God, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see... there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice...
[panicking]
Dorothy: Oh God, it's making SENSE!


"The Golden Girls: The President's Coming! The President's Coming! Part 2 (#5.26)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: Is the Oval Office as hard to vacuum as I think it is?
George Bush: I don't know, there hasn't been a Hoover in the White House in 60 years.

Agent Bell: [a Secret Service agent is checking the Girls' household before the presidential visit] I only have one more question to ask. What organizations do you belong to? We have to make sure none of them could be considered a threat to the president.
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, well, I'm a member of the Sierra Club, and Blanche belongs to the Daughters of the Confederacy.
Rose Nylund: And I'm a member of the Otto Club of St Olaf. Well, actually I'm an honorary member. My name's not Otto.
[to be read aloud; this line is a spoken pun, which doesn't really work in writing]
Agent Bell: I don't think that group could be considered subversive.
Rose Nylund: Subversive?
Agent Bell: You know, as in, 'Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence.'
Rose Nylund: [after thinking it over] Violence.
Dorothy Zbornak: [annoyed by her stupidity] Rose!


"The Golden Palace: Heartbreak Hotel (#1.15)" (1993)
Roland Wilson: I can't believe this, Rose. We're almost booked solid.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I know. You should trust my instincts more often.
Roland Wilson: Yeah, but how did you know that this Romantic Getaway was gonna be so popular?
Rose Nylund: I remember something my minister said when I was a little girl.
Roland Wilson: What's that?
Rose Nylund: He said, Moses parting the Red Sea is a nice story, but Mary Magdalene really packs a pew.
Roland Wilson: What does that mean?
Rose Nylund: Sex sells, baby!

Sophia Petrillo: [Rose is putting up a poster for a seminar by Dr Ursula, The Love Doctor] This sounds awesome. I'm there. I haven't told you, but I've been having some problems with my sexual partners lately.
Rose Nylund: Such as?
Sophia Petrillo: I don't have any!


"The Golden Girls: Questions and Answers (#7.16)" (1992)
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I'm sorry I won't be able to quiz you; Jake and I are due at the Hubbards, but I have a book here that should help you prepare for your Jeopardy try-out.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The St. Olaf High School yearbook? No. Thanks anyway, Rose, I don't think I'll be needing it.
Rose Nylund: Well, okay, Miss Know-it-all. But if Alex Trebek asks you what years Oaf Horwal was on the student council back to back, don't come crying to me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: 1946 and '47.
Rose Nylund: [shocked]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I intend to win this.

Blanche Devereaux: [after seeing that Rose's dog had taken her slipper again] I do not believe this. I had this thing hidden in the closet, behind three suitcases.
Rose Nylund: Isn't this dog amazing? He can find anything.
Sophia Petrillo: Anything?
[to the dog]
Sophia Petrillo: A viable Democrat for President. Go!


"The Golden Girls: Old Boyfriends (#7.13)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose Nylund: Thank you, Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Rose Nylund: [after shutting the door] I have no idea who that man is!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, why didn't you tell him you don't remember him?
Rose Nylund: And hurt an old friend? Boy Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you!


"The Golden Girls: Where's Charlie? (#7.5)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: If I'm going to wear this, I have to know what it is.
Miles Webber: Well it's a friendship ring, like Abbott might've given to Costello.
Rose Nylund: Oh Miles, so we're... a dead comedy team?

Rose Nylund: Sophia, this is the meanest thing you've ever done.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh come on, how about the time I buried you up to your neck in the sand and let kids throw baseballs at you for a quarter?
Rose Nylund: Well I can't hold that one against you, that was for charity.
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah charity, right.


"The Golden Girls: Rose: Portrait of a Woman (#7.20)" (1992)
Miles Webber: [Rose is embarrassed that Miles's college colleauges saw the racy photograph she gave him for his birthday] Let me tell you something: Back when I was in the Army, inside my locker I kept a picture of Betty Grable, and she was wearing a lot less than you were wearing in my birthday photo. Sweetheart, she was the darling of America.
Rose Nylund: Miles, she was in her twenties, and she had the most beautiful legs on the planet.
Miles Webber: [intimately] Ah... the *second* most beautiful.
Rose Nylund: [flattered] Oh, Miles.
Miles Webber: Rita Hayworth had a set of gams on her, boy... Well, no, look, Sweetheart, about the age thing. Something I read someplace I've always believed. Y'know, when you're... when you're young and beautiful, it's an accident of nature. But when you're beautiful older, you've earned it. That you created yourself.

Blanche Devereaux: [trying to help Rose find a good birthday present for Miles] Oh, I know. You can give Miles one of those boudoir photographs. You know, where you pose for pictures in sexy lingerie.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I don't know. I'd feel cheap... Like... Well, like you.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Rose, come on. It's a great idea. The pictures are just an intimate way to let a fella know he's the one and only man in your life. I've done it, twenty, thirty times.
Rose Nylund: [Dorothy and Sophia come into the living room] Oh, Dorothy, how would you feel about a birthday present of a picture of me in sexy lingerie?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'd rather have the cash.
Rose Nylund: Actually, it's not for you, it's for Miles.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He'd rather have the cash.


"The Golden Girls: Whose Face Is This, Anyway? (#2.20)" (1987)
[Rose is following Dorothy around with a camcorder]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?
Rose Nylund: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am infront of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose Nylund: Don't worry. This is a documentary; it's okay if you're not good looking.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, stop trying to appeal to my ego. The answer is no.

Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche Devereaux: I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.


"The Golden Girls: Feelings (#6.6)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: When the nitrous oxide wore off and my head began to clear, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat, but I think he was up to more than that.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, Rose, I mean, what gave you that idea?
Rose Nylund: I don't think 'wowie-wow-wow-wow' is a medical term.
Blanche Devereaux: [outraged] How could he do a thing like that?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Believe me, just because men in the medical profession wear white does not mean that they're angels.

Rose Nylund: I wish men would have breasts, just for one day. Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait. I mean, just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb.
Sophia Petrillo: Rose, you're too hard on yourself. I know people who think you're dumb over the phone!


"The Golden Palace: It's Beginning to Look a Lot (Less) Like Christmas (#1.12)" (1992)
Rose Nylund: [Roland agrees to play Santa at the Children's Hospital] Oh, Roland, this is quite an honor. I hope you've had the necessary training.
Roland Wilson: It's no big deal, Rose. I'm just gonna put on a red suit and go down there and pass out some gifts.
Rose Nylund: [outraged] Oh no you're not, Buster.
Roland Wilson: What?
Rose Nylund: The real Santa doesn't go through the motions. If you're gonna do this, you're gonna do it right. Now, let's see your belly.
Roland Wilson: [incredulous, laughing nervously] Heh, heh, I beg your pardon?
Rose Nylund: [shouting] Your belly, Mister! I hope you can make it shake like a bowl full of jelly.
Sophia Petrillo: Show him, Blanche.
Roland Wilson: Rose, I do a hundred and fifty sit-ups every night to get my stomach to look like this.
Rose Nylund: Oh, great. A taut Santa. Oh, we have a lot of work to do, my friend. That's not much of a beard. I hope you can come up with some really good facial hair by tomorrow.
Blanche Devereaux: Show him, Sophia.

Chuy Castillos: [a group of recently-divorced people staying at the hotel have demanded all reminders of Christmas be removed] Well, the tree's in the dumpster and I feel like a million bucks. Ha, ha. This is gonna be the best Christmas ever, huh? No caroling, no gifts, no dinner to clean up afterwards. No reminders of Christmas whatsoever.
Roland Wilson: Ah, 'scuse me, didn't you forget to say 'Bah, humbug'?
Chuy Castillos: [really getting enthusiastic] So I did! Bah, humbug. Hah, hah, hah. Bah, humbug.
Rose Nylund: Chuy, every time you say 'Bah, humbug', an elf cries.
Chuy Castillos: [patronizing] Rose, the elves are crying because they're lonely little men whose dating pool consists of reindeer and each other.


"The Golden Girls: The Auction (#4.11)" (1989)
Blanche: Wait a minute, Rose. Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?
Rose: Is it this one with the naked man and woman being swept up in the waves?
Blanche: Yes, that's it. You can't use this towel.
[takes towel from Rose]
Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency. We'll replace it next week.
[takes towel from Blanche]
Blanche: Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel. There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.
[attempts to wrest towel from Dorothy]
Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand!
Blanche: I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're lying, Blanche.
Blanche: Damn, you're good.

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Rose - is the ceiling in your room leaking, too?
Rose: No, Dorothy. I just finished milking the cow I keep in my closet. Gee, with only three hours' sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!


"The Golden Girls: Second Motherhood (#1.19)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, do you know what's behind that, uh, wall that you're banging on?
Rose Nylund: A lateral fusion pipe!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?
Rose Nylund: No.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: My head!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to lift the toilet up with Rose's help] Oh! Ooh! Wait, wait! No. Honey, she won't budge. Oh, Rose, I don't think we're going to be able to move it.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. Get me twenty-thousand Hebrews, and I'll have it out of here in no time.


"The Golden Girls: It's a Miserable Life (#2.4)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Mrs Claxton, how lovely it is to see you again.
Frieda Claxton: Who are you?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm your neighbour, Blanche Deveraux.
Frieda Claxton: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Blanche Devereaux: I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton: With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche Devereaux: You miserable old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [interrupting] Let's try and get along. Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, you miserable old...
Rose Nylund: [interrupting] Dorothy!

Sophia: When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?


"The Golden Girls: All That Jazz (#5.10)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche Devereaux: So you told her?
Rose Nylund: No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose Nylund: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about... what a man would look like?
Rose Nylund: It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?... Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Rose Nylund: [Exhausted, doing research for work] I have to make sure this watch really is waterproof.
Blanche Devereaux: [Pitying Rose's stupidity] Honey, why don't you take the watch off your wrist?
Rose Nylund: Come on Blanche, then I'd have my hand in a bucket of water for nothing.


"The Golden Girls: The Triangle (#1.5)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know something, we are really lucky that we found a doctor who makes house calls.
Rose Nylund: I know! When I was growing up in Minnesota the doctor made house calls all the time, for us and the livestock.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You and the animals had the same doctor?
Rose Nylund: Sure! Worked out fine... until the doctor started drinking hog linament and tried to neuter the Swenson brothers.

Rose Nylund: [Brings in soup that she made for her late husband] Here, Sophia, I made you some chicken soup. I used to make this for Charlie whenever he didn't feel good.
Sophia Petrillo: Did you make it for him the last time he didn't feel good?


"The Golden Girls: That Old Feeling (#5.8)" (1989)
Blanche: I haven't told you my wonderful news: my mother-in-law died.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm sorry.
Blanche: Well, I'm not. I loathed Mama Devereaux, and the feeling was entirely mutual. 'Til the day George died, she always introduced me as his 'first wife'. I just hope the old witch went slowly.
Jamie: [later her brother-in-law Jamie arrives to settle Blanche's part of the estate] Fortunately the business with the Will shouldn't take long.
Blanche: I shouldn't think so. I'd hardly expect Mama Devereaux to leave me the family silver.
Jamie: Well, as her executor I had to go over her Will with her, the list of beneficiaries. Well, she was pretty far gone by then, but when we got to your name, she kept repeatin' in this weak, little voice, "I want her to have it. I want her to have it."
Blanche: Well, I am surprised.
Jamie: She was talkin' about her disease.

Rose Nylund: [the girls are discussing Blanche's notion of marrying her late husband's brother, Jamie] I remember back in St Olaf, when Inge Engstrand married her late husband's brother, Lars, and the whole town was shocked. 'Course, that could have been because at the time Inge was on trial for her late husband's dismemberment.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It was probably a factor.
Rose Nylund: The trial went on for months. Attorneys' fees cost her an arm and a leg.
Sophia Petrillo: [impatiently] Rose, get to the part where they steal the brain out of the dead body and sew it into your head.
Rose Nylund: So anyway, she got a suspended sentence.
Sophia Petrillo: [incredulous] They let her go?
Rose Nylund: No, they hanged her.


"The Golden Palace: Just a Gigolo (#1.9)" (1992)
Nick DeCarlo: Ladies, I'm afraid I have a little problem. I was expecting a check to be wired and, well, I just found out that it's not going to come, and, um...
Blanche Devereaux: And you won't be able to pay your bill right away?
Nick DeCarlo: Well, not in the traditional sense, but I do have a proposition for you.
Sophia Petrillo: Count me in.
Rose Nylund: You're on.
Blanche Devereaux: Deal.
Nick DeCarlo: Actually, I'd like to start in your kitchen.
Blanche Devereaux: Kinky.
Rose Nylund: Cool.
Sophia Petrillo: I'm hip.
Nick DeCarlo: No, ladies, please, I want to start working in your kitchen to pay off my bill.
Blanche Devereaux: Now, we couldn't let you do that, not a man of your stature. Maybe we could find you a job more in keeping with what you normally do.
Rose Nylund: That's right. We could do that. What is it you normally do?
Nick DeCarlo: I'm a gigolo.
Blanche Devereaux: What?
Nick DeCarlo: I'm a *gigolo*.
Rose Nylund: [the girls look at each other then begin to laugh nervously] Oh, you had us going there for a minute. No, what do you really do?
Nick DeCarlo: I find wealthy, older women, become romantically involved with them, and they support me with their money.
Sophia Petrillo: I've got twenty shares of Nabisco. What would that get me?

Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche, bad news. Don Prescott won't be able to take you to the Yacht Club ball tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: What? Oh, well that's what I get for lining up a blind date for the biggest event of the year. He better have one hell of an excuse.
Rose Nylund: He died.
Blanche Devereaux: And?
Nick DeCarlo: [as Rose tries to convice Blanche to take this seriously, Nick hears them talking in the kitchen] Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing. I'm available tonight. I could fill in for the deceased.
Rose Nylund: Oh, that isn't necessary Nick, all Don has to do is lie there.


"The Golden Girls: Diamond in the Rough (#2.22)" (1987)
Rose: I found out that Baked Alaska can be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose I know something else. Mars Bars are made right here on Earth.

Dorothy: Blanche, did it ever occur to you that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes.
Rose: And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Dorothy: Then what do you have to say for yourself?
Blanche Devereaux: Damn, I'm good!


"The Golden Girls: Witness (#6.21)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: Oh, Carl is quite a guy. Lately I've been dreaming about him at night, not Miles! Although, I do have one dream that both Carl and Miles are in.
Blanche Devereaux: [sensually] Oh!
[long pause]
Blanche Devereaux: And?
Rose Nylund: Okay. And Captain Kangaroo!

Karl: What do you say we go away for the weekend?
Rose Nylund: Karl, I'm not sure I'm ready to.
Karl: It's because of this Miles guy, right? Look, Rose, I don't want to push you, but I just wish I knew what I was up against. I mean, who is this guy? What did he do? Where is he now?
Rose Nylund: Oh, I wish I could tell you, but I really don't know anything about him any more. When I knew him, he was a professor at a college.
Karl: That's hard to believe.
Rose Nylund: Well, it's one of the few places they have professors.
Karl: [flustered at being misunderstood] No, yeah, no, I know that. I meant, I can't believe he left someone like you.
Rose Nylund: He left someone else like me?
Karl: No, I mean you. That he left *you*.
Rose Nylund: Oh. Okay.
Karl: I should be more clear.
Rose Nylund: That'd be great!


"The Golden Girls: Family Affair (#2.7)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: [to Dorothy and Rose] Talk to your children, tell them how you feel, just make sure it brings you closer together, not farther apart.
Sophia Petrillo: Who are you, Mr. Spock?
Rose Nylund: I think you mean Doctor Spock, Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo: They're both really smart and they both got big ears, who cares?

Rose Nylund: [after catching their kids in bed] I can't believe it, you know how it is when you just can't believe something?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes, I can't believe Alan Thicke has his own TV series, it doesn't mean it's not true.


"The Golden Girls: Mother's Day (#3.25)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [Rose is in a rural Minnesota bus station on her way home to St Olaf for Mother's Day] You know, I think I had almost forgotten what real cold feels like. I guess I've gotten used to tropical weather.
Jacob: You here all the way from Nebraska?
Rose Nylund: Miami.
Jacob: Miami. Is that closer to Omaha or Lincoln?
Rose Nylund: Gee, it's great to be home. They told me in Minneapolis that I could change buses here for St Olaf?
Jacob: That's right.
Rose Nylund: How much is it?
Jacob: You want the express, or the yokel?
Rose Nylund: Don't you mean 'local'?
Jacob: No, ma'am, I mean yokel. On the yokel, a family of first cousins plays banjo music as the passengers get on and off.
Rose Nylund: Do they take requests?
Jacob: No.
Rose Nylund: Give me the express.

Anna: [Rose meets an old woman in the rural bus station] Excuse me, are you waiting for the bus to Northern Falls?
Rose Nylund: No, St Olaf.
Anna: I've visited there. Lovely little town.
Rose Nylund: Oh yes, yes it is.
Anna: Rolling hills, charming homes...
Rose Nylund: Yes.
Anna: Full of idiots.
Rose Nylund: [slow to realise what Anna has just said] Yes... What?
Anna: I never saw anything like it. Must be the water.
Rose Nylund: [politely offended] I grew up in St Olaf. And most of my family still lives there.
Anna: Oh, no offense, dearie. I didn't say that everyone there was an idiot. It just seemed, though, that per capita, they had more than their share.
Rose Nylund: Oh, well, per capita, you're probably right.


"The Golden Girls: Snap Out of It (#6.4)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: Don't worry, Dorothy, maybe Jimmy'll come around.
Dorothy: Oh, I wish I could believe you, but Rose, I have been there. I mean, after awhile you feel like you're just in this gigantic black hole.
Rose Nylund: We had a gigantic black hole back in St Olaf.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, God!
Rose Nylund: On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse, where Charlie and I got our marriage license, and our permit to have kids. Oh, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around and look in it...
Dorothy: [mocking] And they say Hollywood is the entertainment capitol of the world.
Rose Nylund: Well, we didn't just look in it. Sometimes we'd point, too. Or spit, and time it! Then there was always that wise guy, who'd have a couple of drinks and unzip himself...

Rose Nylund: [planning a surprise] I have to figure out which of the traditional St Olaf party games to play at Blanche's party.
Blanche: [suddenly walks into the kitchen] Party? Is that why you've been sneakin' around tryin' to find out my age? A party? I forbid it!
Rose Nylund: Blanche, a party is a celebration of life, and it's not just for you, but for your friends who love you.
Blanche: [unyielding] No!
Rose Nylund: Stop being so vain. You can't stay 42 forever.
Blanche: Yes you can! If you eat right, exercise regularly, and live with women who look at lot older than you.
[she leaves in a huff]
Dorothy: Tell me, Rose, is 'Kill the Bitch' a traditional St Olaf party game?


"The Golden Girls: Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser (#6.26)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: It's time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.
Blanche Devereaux: They *are* the dumbest birds.

Rose Nylund: You're not going to believe this, I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball.


"The Golden Girls: Old Friends (#3.1)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: But honey she's just a child, you cant expect a child to give back a toy, you do understand don't you you?
Rose Nylund: Just cut the crap and get the damn teddy bear!

Blanche Devereaux: [telling a story] So that's when this salesman from Men's Sportswear walks clear across the store into Ladies Petite and says, "Uh excuse me, miss, but I noticed you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless. Well, personally, I would prefer to see you in the backless." And I said, "When?" And he said, "How 'bout Saturday night?" And I said, "How 'bout in your dreams, sleaze-o!" Can you believe the nerve of that guy?
Rose Nylund: What were you doing in Ladies Petite?


"The Golden Girls: The Accurate Conception (#5.3)" (1989)
Rose: You know, I've read that you can even buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners. Or is it, Star Search winners?
Blanche: Buy? Well, sperm used to be free, it was all over the place!

Rose: How did things go with the doctor, Sophia?
Sophia Petrillo: He said I had the body of a 40-year-old. A DEAD 40-year-old.


"The Golden Palace: Seems Like Old Times: Part 1 (#1.7)" (1992)
Rose Nylund: [Rose is mopping the kitchen floor as Sophia comes in from the dining room] Sophia, wet floor.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't do that on command. I have to be scared first.
Rose Nylund: [next, Chuy comes downstairs into the kitchen] Uh, Chuy, wet floor.
Chuy Castillos: What, somebody scare Sophia?

Rose Nylund: Well, don't you look nice.
Chuy Castillos: It's taken two years, but as of today I will have lost 140 pounds of ugly fat.
Rose Nylund: You used to be heavy?
Chuy Castillos: No, married.


"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Choice (#4.22)" (1989)
Sophia Petrillo: [Rose mistakes the wrong woman for Lillian] That's not Lillian!
Rose Nylund: You said you were Lillian!
Woman: You think I'm in here because I'm good with names?

Rose Nylund: I know, girls. Let's make a pact, that we'll always take care of each other, that we'll never desert each other, no matter what.
Blanche Devereaux: You can count on me, honey.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Do you think it's gonna be that easy getting rid of me, Rose?
[Rose looks worried]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That was rhetorical, Rose. But what a comforting thought, knowing you'll never be alone.
Blanche Devereaux: And listen, what the hell? If we do go to a nursing home, let's all go together.
Rose Nylund: But what happens when there's only one of us left?


"The Golden Girls: Great Expectations (#5.14)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: [coming into the kitchen] Hi, girls. What a great day. I feel so terrific. It's like life is a giant weenie roast, and I'm the biggest weenie.
Sophia Petrillo: No argument from this corner.

Blanche Devereaux: [the girls can't believe that Blanche doesn't want to go to the hospital to see boyfriend Steven after his heart attack] Oh, look, I'm tryin' to keep this relationship casual. If I go to that hospital, I'm in, and there's no gettin' out.
Rose Nylund: Don't be silly. All you have to do is follow the orange line down the middle of the hallways. They lead right to the elevators.


"The Golden Girls: Blanche's Little Girl (#3.14)" (1988)
Rose: [Blanche is upset after falling out with her daughter] It's not like Blanche to go to bed at eight o'clock.
Sophia: At least not by herself!
Dorothy: No, Blanche is depressed, Rose.
Rose: Do you think she's depressed about Rebecca?
Dorothy: No, Rose. She's depressed because Marblehead Manor is only on once a week.
Rose: Boy, I remember when I was a little girl, when we'd get depressed. Grandma could always cheer us up. She'd take out her dentures and she'd take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she'd put a flashlight under a chin, and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek. We could have watched it all day... but visiting hours were only from ten to four.
[Dorothy and Sophia can only stare in silence at their eccentric companion]

Rose: So, Becky, what brings you here to Miami?
Sophia: My guess is a small barge!


"The Golden Girls: Letter to Gorbachev (#3.6)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: I'm concerned about nuclear war.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanche] And just yesterday, her biggest concern was whether Bubbles the Chimp was traveling with Michael Jackson against his will.

Rose Nylund: Does anybody know how many z's there are in Czar?


"The Golden Girls: Sister of the Bride (#6.14)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: Oh!... Well, what's a policeman doing bringing fares from the airport? I know! I bet you do undercover work!
Sophia Petrillo: And I'll bet he does it damn well.
Dorothy: Heh, heh, heh. You'll have to excuse my mother. She, uh, survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Dorothy: Rose, honey, congratulations. I hear you've been nominated again for the volunteer of the year award.
Rose Nylund: Yup. Seven years I've been nominated for the Volunteer Vanguard award, and seven years I've had to watch Agnes Bradshaw snatch it away from me. Well, she's not gonna do that this year. This year, I'm finally gonna beat her. I'm gonna *win*.
Dorothy: Why, beacause you worked harder than Agnes?
Rose Nylund: Because she's dead. Yup, as a doornail. Dead, dead, dead. Coffee?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, how can you be so cheery? It's a terrible thing.
Rose Nylund: Come on, she was eighty-nine, and she died in her sleep.
Blanche Devereaux: She *fell* asleep drivin' the bookmobile!


"The Golden Girls: Nothing to Fear, But Fear Itself (#3.5)" (1987)
Rose: [Rose comes in sobbing] The mail's here.
Blanche: Honey, what's wrong?
Rose: I just got a letter.
Blanche: It's bad news!
Dorothy: Oh, that's eerie - I had the same feeling.

Rose: But there's a good part to being scared, you get to know who your friends are. They're the ones who help you not be scared.


"The Golden Girls: What a Difference a Date Makes (#6.22)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: Can I have those gummy bears?
Blanche Devereaux: They are good, aren't they?
Rose Nylund: Oh I don't eat them.
Sophia Petrillo: Then why do you want them?
Rose Nylund: To play army! And sometimes, I line them up around my bed and pretend I'm Gulliver.

Rose Nylund: I never went to the St. Olaf junior prom.
Sophia Petrillo: How come?
Rose Nylund: It was only for people named Junior.


"The Golden Girls: Beauty and the Beast (#7.3)" (1991)
Blanche: Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.
Rose: You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from "Peter Pan."
Dorothy: What the hell goes on in this house at night?


"The Golden Girls: The Competition (#1.7)" (1985)
Rose Nylund: Oh, Sophia, it smells heavenly. Is it Chef Boyardee?
Sophia Petrillo: Stick it in my heart, Rose! It'll hurt less!


"The Golden Girls: Stand by Your Man (#6.11)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [Rose wants to keep a puppy she has bonded with] Rose, the answer is 'No'.
Rose Nylund: Well, that's not fair. Last week you got to keep the boxboy who followed you home.
Blanche Devereaux: There, you see, you don't need a dog. If you're lonely, get yourself a man.
Rose Nylund: I don't want a man. I just want to come home from work and have someone jump up on my lap, and lick my face, and fetch a ball when I throw it.
Blanche Devereaux: You can get a man to do that.


"The Golden Girls: That Was No Lady (#1.14)" (1985)
Dorothy: We spent the evening at a motel.
Rose: A motel! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed, den of iniquity?
Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose!


"The Golden Girls: Dancing in the Dark (#5.6)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.
Rose Nylund: I asked you to tell him I'm not going.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.
Rose Nylund: Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.
Rose Nylund: Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What!
Rose Nylund: Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I couldn't!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Of course che couldn't!
Blanche Devereaux: You stay out of this Dorothy.
Rose Nylund: Well, why not? It's all over betwen us. He'll know that tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: A backstabbing slut?
Blanche Devereaux: No.
Rose Nylund: Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favour to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed
[Blanche exits]
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?


"The Golden Girls: Two Rode Together (#4.16)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: Never ever give up your dreams, even when they're doused in sorrow, because even though they seem far away, they could come true tomorrow.


"The Golden Palace: One Angry Stan (#1.22)" (1993)
Rose Nylund: Congratulate me, Sophia, I finally finished that jigsaw puzzle.
Sophia Petrillo: Big deal. It took you six months.
Rose Nylund: On the box it said, "Two to four years"!


"The Golden Palace: Miles, We Hardly Knew Ye (#1.3)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: Miles didn't cancel your date again, did he?
Rose Nylund: Well, he said he might be able to stop by. He has another meeting. I mean, I understand things come up, but tonight was going to be so romantic. I got candles, I shaved my legs above the knee, I even bought a new teddy.
Blanche Devereaux: Victoria's Secret?
Rose Nylund: Toys R Us.


"The Golden Girls: Journey to the Center of Attention (#7.18)" (1992)
Rose Nylund: [Sophia and Rose come home, dressed in black, laughing] Oh girls, we just went to Doug Kirkpatrick's wake. It was the greatest.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't remember when I had so much fun. Those Irishmen! They even laid out Doug's body in the living room!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, that sounds morbid.
Rose Nylund: I didn't have a problem with it. 'Til one of the relatives got drunk and started slow-dancing with the corpse. But even then it was surprisingly touching.
Blanche Devereaux: And speaking of being touched, it's nickel beer night at The Rusty Anchor. I'm gonna get my purse, you get changed, 'cause we're goin'.
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, what if no-one there wants to talk to me? What if nobody asks me to dance?
Blanche Devereaux: Now Dorothy, think: if there's somebody out there who is willing to dance with a corpse, there's somebody willing to dance with you.


"The Golden Girls: Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding? (#1.2)" (1985)
Rose Nylund: [about Dorothy] Oh she's really upset, we better keep an eye on her.
Blanche Devereaux: You're right. We better stick to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farmhand.
[Voice becomes dreamy]
Blanche Devereaux: You know the type, with the big biceps and the hairy chest, just glistening in the hot sun... What were we talking about?


"The Golden Girls: My Brother, My Father (#3.17)" (1988)
[in an odd situation, Sophia's brother Angelo is visiting, Rose and Blanche are dressed as nuns, and Dorothy and Stan are pretending to be married]
Rose: I'm Sister Rose!
Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're... uh, going...
[looks at panties in her hands]
Blanche: ...door to door collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people.
Stan: [Stan comes in] I just saw on TV that there's a big hurricane on the way to Miami, and the airports are closed!
Blanche: Aw, *Jesus*!
[catches herself]
Blanche: ...protect us, in this time of great need.
Dorothy: Amen!


"The Golden Palace: Say Goodbye, Rose (#1.17)" (1993)
George Burns: [before appearing at the hotel's Comedy Club, George Burns tries to cheer up Rose] I'll tell you a joke. Um, have you heard this one?
Rose Nylund: I don't think so.
George Burns: Haven't told it yet. Teacher said to a kid in school, 'What does your father do?' He says, 'My father's a doctor.' Said to the other kid, 'What does your father do?' He says, 'My father's a lawyer.' Said to the third kid, 'What does your father do?' He says, 'My father's dead.' He says, 'What did he do before he died?' He says, 'He went, Ooooh.'


"The Golden Palace: You've Lost That Livin' Feeling (#1.18)" (1993)
Mr. Mitchelson: I own a chain of travel agencies and it is so refreshing to meet someone as bright and on-the-ball as you are. And by the way, that's a most interesting brooch. Amethyst?
Rose Nylund: No, Lutheran.


"The Golden Girls: Nice and Easy (#1.17)" (1986)
Lucy: Dorothy, Rose, I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
Rose Nylund: Oh, don't be silly.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, we enjoyed having you.
Sophia Petrillo: So did half of Miami.


"The Golden Girls: From Here to the Pharmacy (#7.11)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You don't know anything about law.
Rose Nylund: I sure do. Every Thursday night I watch La Law.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, that's L.A. Law.
Rose Nylund: I wondered why Susan Dey didn't speak with a French accent.


"The Golden Girls: The Impotence of Being Ernest (#4.13)" (1989)
Rose: If you ask me, people rely too much on sex in relationships anyway.
Ernie Faber: You're right. I mean, what is sex after all?
Rose: Two clunky old bodies, thrashing around against each other, like animals.
Ernie Faber: You get all sweaty and flushed.
Rose: Your hair gets mussed.
Ernie Faber: You lose your breath.
Rose: You lose your earring.
Ernie Faber: [starting to get aroused] Your mouth waters.
Rose: [also starting to get aroused] Your nose runs.
Ernie Faber: Your heart races.
Rose: Your blood races.
Ernie Faber: Rose!
Rose: Say it, Ernie!
Ernie Faber: [urgently] It's time, Rose!
Rose: [into the air, pleadingly] Check, please!


"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: My God! I'm hallucinatin'! I see little balls of sunshine in a bag! Does this mean somethin'?
[holds up a bag of something yellow]
Rose Nylund: Blanche, those are egg yokes.
Blanche Devereaux: [smiling] My brain's gone!
Blanche Devereaux: [a few moments later; same bag of egg yokes] Rose, what is this? Yellow eye balls are starin' at me!


"The Golden Girls: Older and Wiser (#6.18)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You've never told a lie?
Rose Nylund: That's right, I've never told a lie. Well, just once when I snuck out of class to go to the movies.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That's not much of a lie.
Rose Nylund: That's what I thought. Turned out to be the day they taught everything.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The final piece of the puzzle.
Rose Nylund: [later] I'm beginning to think Blanche is hung up on her looks.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Boy, you don't need lightning to strike you.
Rose Nylund: No, thanks. Not again. Once was enough.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: An extra piece of the puzzle.


"The Golden Girls: Love, Rose (#2.10)" (1986)
Dorothy: Oh come on now Rose, don't let this bother you. You'll date again.
Blanche: Of course she will. Honey have you given any thought to advertising?
Rose: Oh Blanche! I could never dress the way you do. Besides, I have to wear undies. Not all my wool skirts are lined.


"The Golden Girls: Valentine's Day (#4.15)" (1989)
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at a drugstore picking up some last minute supplies before setting out on a Valentine's cruise with their steadies]
Blanche Devereaux: We are giong away on a romantic cruise to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose Nylund: What kinda protection?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Two armed Pinkerton guards! No, Blanche is talking about...
[drawing Rose's attention to items on a nearby shelf]
Rose Nylund: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: One over.
Rose Nylund: An enema bag?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: To the right.
Rose Nylund: Dentu Grip?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Condoms, Rose! Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!
Drugstore Clerk: Hey, take it easy lady! You just get out of prison?


"The Golden Girls: Goodbye, Mr. Gordon (#7.14)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [In a fake friendly voice] Rose, could I see you for a moment?
Rose Nylund: [Rose fakes wondering if Blanche meant her, in order to stall for time. Approaches Blanche and Dorothy] You're mad aren't you?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about "Lesbian Lovers of Miami".
Rose Nylund: Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat "The Price Is Right"!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras.


"The Golden Girls: Brotherly Love (#3.8)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: Four nights in a row and I still can't sleep!
Sophia Petrillo: Please! I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I was seventy.
Rose Nylund: I shouldn't complain; I mean, four nights is nothing compared to Elsie Uteruden back in St. Olaf. She stayed away for 17 straight days in a rocking chair marathon. Course she couldn't have done it without the moral support of her children... and her husband... and his cattle prod.


"The Golden Girls: Stan Takes a Wife (#4.10)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [everyone is relieved as Sophia improves after a rough night in the hospital] What about you, Dorothy? You must be exhausted being here by yourself all night.
Dorothy Zbornak: No, I wasn't alone. Stan came by and stayed with me. Brought me food, held me, showed me that special part of himself.
Rose Nylund: Right there in the waiting room?
Dorothy Zbornak: Not that part, Rose.


"The Golden Girls: The Commitments (#7.15)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [entering the kitchen] I am nothing but a cheap, tawdry slut!
Rose Nylund: [sitting with her back to the door] Don't tell me... Is it Blanche?


"The Golden Girls: The Pope's Ring (#7.12)" (1991)
Sophia Petrillo: [Miles is storming out and Rose is behind him] Miles... Rose!
Rose Nylund: Not now, Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy comes out of the kitchen] Dorothy, I can't breathe!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Not now, Ma.
[looks at her]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Alright, but this better be good.
Sophia Petrillo: That depends, how good would you consider, the Pope's ring?


"The Golden Girls: Forgive Me, Father (#2.18)" (1987)
Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your bra?
Sophia: I was blowing my breast, Rose.


"The Golden Girls: Grab That Dough (#3.16)" (1988)
Sophia Petrillo: [the girls are upset when they arrive late for their Los Angeles hotel reservations the night before their game show appearance] Would you stop complaining? We've got it easy. Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was Torture.
Rose Nylund: What was it called, Sophia?
Sophia Petrillo: I just told you, Torture. Mussolini asked the questions, and you'd better have the right answers. Things like, Who do you like better, me or Hitler? Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler? Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler? And you always had to answer, Mussolini. Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!


"The Golden Girls: Long Day's Journey Into Marinara (#2.19)" (1987)
[Sophia and Angela have just cooked a meal for the entire household]
Blanche Devereaux: Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life.
Angela: Well, how good could it have been? You left half of it.
Blanche Devereaux: I ate every bite!
Angela: There's some sauce left. If you'd really liked it, you'd take a hunk of bread and sop it all up. You can afford it!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, no I cant! I've put on a few pounds, you just haven't noticed.
Angela: What am I blind? I can see that. I meant the bread. You can afford it, it's only 89 cents a loaf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You two made such a fantastic meal. I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose Nylund: I made dessert!
Blanche Devereaux: Damn!
Rose Nylund: What you say Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Yum. I said yum
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, is this another one of those Scandanavian viking concoctions?
Rose Nylund: Yes! It's called Geneukenfleuken cake. An ancient recipe but I amercanised it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So one might say you brought "Geneukenfleuken" into the 80s?
Rose Nylund: Yes. But I'm not one to blow my own vetugenfluken.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't even reach mine.


"The Golden Girls: And Then There Was One (#2.16)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: You know what's funny? Everytime the baby's diaper needs to be changed, the bears disappear.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's funny, everytime my kids' diapers needed to be changed, my husband would disappear.


"The Golden Girls: Rites of Spring (#4.23)" (1989)
[the Dorothy and Rose are joining an all female gym, which upsets Blanche since she prefers a coed gym where she was picked up by men]
Yvonne: Hello. My name is Yvonne. Have you been here before?
Blanche Devereaux: [to Dorothy] See? Go yo a women's gym, you get hit on by a woman.
Yvonne: I work here.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply anything.
Rose Nylund: She just thought you were a lesbian.


"The Golden Girls: Love for Sale (#6.23)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Let me guess Rose, Ivan Boesky-Vanderfloovenhoover-meistergarbengerbenfleckman.
Rose Nylund: That's the louse.


"The Golden Girls: A Little Romance (#1.13)" (1985)
Dr. Jonathan Newman: [Rose and Dr Newman are finishing dinner] Well, what did you think?
Rose Nylund: Oh, it was delicious. I love French food. What was that you had?
Dr. Jonathan Newman: Trout.
Rose Nylund: What do they call it in French?
Dr. Jonathan Newman: Le Trout.


"The Golden Girls: The Custody Battle (#1.12)" (1985)
Blanche Devereaux: [about her audition for MacBeth] I've got this part in the sack.
Rose Nylund: She means in the bag.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No Rose, I don't think so.


"The Golden Girls: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die (#6.10)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [the doorbell rings, and Sophia expects it's her date, as Blanche coaches her] Take your glasses off. And you know, it's a good idea if you can find something to compliment him on.
Sophia Petrillo: [she opens the door, and without her glasses she can't tell it's really Miles, not her date] Hi. Is it my imagination, or do you have less hair on your knuckles?
Miles Webber: Well, it could be, Sophia. At my age, everything starts to go.
Rose Nylund: Sophia, it's Miles.
Miles Webber: [to Sophia] Hey, you look beautiful!
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, it has been a long time for you, hasn't it, big fella?


"The Golden Girls: Ro$e Love$ Mile$ (#7.9)" (1991)
Rose: [after a date with a very frugal Miles] Lately Miles is so tight!
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man!
[Begins babbling about men's tight muscles and loses focus]
Blanche: Why, Rose! When did you get in?
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was saying how lately Miles has been really tight.
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man!


"The Golden Girls: Miles to Go (#6.15)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: Do we all remember what today is?... It's the one hundred and seventeenth anniversary of the birth of Robert Frost.
Sophia Petrillo: I love him. Always nippin' at your nose.
Rose Nylund: That was Jack Frost. Robert Frost is the guy who interviewed Richard Nixon on TV. Heh, heh. Who's the dumb one now?
Dorothy Zbornak: Ahh, you're still the reigning champ, Rose. That was David Frost. Robert Frost was a famous American poet.
Sophia Petrillo: And when I was with him, he was always nippin' at my nose.


"The Golden Girls: A Midwinter Night's Dream (#7.19)" (1992)
Rose: Men would rather pay for cupcakes.
Dorothy: Now, listen here, you little Swedish meatball! I... wait. You're actually talking about cupcakes aren't you?
Rose: You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What were you talking about?
Dorothy: Nothing...
Rose: Wait a minute... Have you and Miles been... baking together?
Dorothy: No, of course not. I'd never do that to you.
Rose: Good.
[she picks up a coffee mug]
Rose: Because if I catch Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd...
[she angrily breaks it with her bare hand]


"The Golden Girls: One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest (#7.23)" (1992)
Rose: How was the sex?
Dorothy: So good we named it!


"The Golden Girls: Love Under the Big Top (#5.5)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [through a megaphone at a 'Save the Dolphins' protest] All creatures must learn to coexist. That's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can't mate or the mice would explode.


"The Golden Girls: The Return of Dorothy's Ex (#1.11)" (1985)
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, take it from me, honey, there is no gentle way to end it with a man. When you're gentle with them, they just don't get the message.
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche is so right, Dorothy. That was exactly the problem I had with Eddie Parker. He was this real sweet guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him. You see, when Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO club. And, that's where I first met Eddie the Aqua Midget.
Blanche Devereaux: He was a blue midget?
Rose Nylund: Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a step ladder into this gigantic punchbowl.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [stifling laughter] S-so, um... what happened?
Rose Nylund: Nothing. He'd just swim to the side and hop out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I mean, uh... what happened between you and Eddie?
Rose Nylund: We talked a lot between shows, and of course I didn't realize it but he- he was falling for me.
Blanche Devereaux: Didn't have far to fall.
[Dorothy grabs Blanche's hand in an attempt to stifle more laughter]
Rose Nylund: It... it started with little things...
Blanche Devereaux: I bet.
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I... I tried to let him down gently...
Blanche Devereaux: You tried to make it short and sweet?
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: He just wouldn't take no for an answer. So I finally had to tell him straight out that I- I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size. It- it was simply that... w-I- I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still stifling laughter] Thank you, Rose. I... I don't know what to say... And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.