Dorothy Zbornak
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Quotes for
Dorothy Zbornak (Character)
from "The Golden Girls" (1985)

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"The Golden Girls: The Case of the Libertine Belle (#7.2)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Kendall is sitting down with Posey MacGlinn. She is my main rival for that assistants job. Oh, look at the shameless way she's flirting with him. Disgusting!
Rose Nylund: You flirted with him.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm from the South. Flirting is part of my heritage.
Rose Nylund: What does that mean?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Her mother was a slut, too.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Perhaps. But they are both murderers.
Sophia Petrillo: Sit down, Dorothy. Don't make a fool of yourself.
Marlowe: You care to explain?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: In the first place, it is unlikely that Gloria murdered her father. Statistics show that patricide is overwhelmingly a male crime, although daughters frequently murder their mothers!

Gloria: When Kendall told her the truth, she flew into a jealous rage! She plunged the steak knife into his chest! That tramp murdered my lover!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know Blanche Devereaux, Lieutenant, and this tramp is incapable of committing murder!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I think I see now how it happened: Last evening at dinner, when Miss MacGlinn saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...
Sophia Petrillo: Big deal. I took a whole place set.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Not NOW, Ma!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche are you kidding? I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. Sam Spade and Philip Marlow have become a part of me... "She had more curves than the Monaco grand prix and was twice as dangerous. Her jewelry was mute testimony that Charlie Chaplin wasn't the only tramp who hit it big in this town."
Sophia Petrillo: You do this on first dates don't you Dorothy?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: When a 22 year-old girl marries a man who is 88, chances are, she's not after his body.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [comes up behind Sophia and holds a knife at her throat] A throat... a throat is almost always cut from behind.
Sophia Petrillo: Not part of the show, people! Not part of the show!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Being right handed, I would slash from left to right, but since the knife was found to the left of the victim, we can deduce that the murderer is left handed. Notice that Gloria like most left handed people wears her wristwatch on her right wrist!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Alright, Rose, give me your mirror.
Rose Nylund: What for?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Every morning I hold a mirror under Ma's nose, if it fogs up, I start the coffee.
[holds it under Kendall's nose]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No breath... he really is dead!

Sophia Petrillo: Come on, Dorothy, you can figure this out, just like you solved the mystery downstairs at dinner.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh Ma, that was a game, this is life!
Sophia Petrillo: Oh yeah, you've never been good at life.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Try to figure out who are the real guests, and who are actors pretending to be guests, that'll make it much easier later on.
Rose Nylund: Okay Dorothy... if that's your real name.
[goes past Gloria's table]
Rose Nylund: How's that coffee?
Gloria: [points to her cup] Terrific!
Rose Nylund: [under her breath] Actor!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The hotel security cordoned off the room, so the only ones who saw it after the murder, other than you and your staff, were the waiter, the hotel manager, and the four of us.
Vaczy: So?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So when Miss MacGlinn was reconstructing the murder, she describe Blanche's dress being slung over the bed!
Vaczy: It was, I saw it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: But Miss MacGlinn could ONLY have seen it if she'd been there PRIOR to the murder!

Rose Nylund: You know, back in Minnesota I was known as Sherlock Holmes of St Olaf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Figured out which one was Shinola, did you, Rose?
Rose Nylund: The hard way.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Being right handed, I would slash from left to right. But from the fact that murder weapon was dropped to the left of the victim, we can deduce that the murderer is left handed. Notice that Gloria, like most left handed people, wears her wristwatch on her right wrist. I think it is painfully clear that Philip and Gloria both planned murders and each meant to pin it on the other. They knew that the lights would be turned off when the cake appeared because that happens every year. Coincidence? Ha! Siblings often think alike.
Lt. Alvarez: You've given us a who, a how... and a ha.

"The Golden Girls: That's for Me to Know (#7.4)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: All right, everybody, just write down who you think ought to leave.
Rose Nylund: Well, you know this is a waste of time. I'm just going to write down myself.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't tell us that! No, maybe we should do this. It's the fairest way.
Rose Nylund: All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.
Blanche Devereaux: [collects the ballots] Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies...
[reads the ballots one by one]
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy.
Sophia Petrillo: Well, that's it. Let's eat. I'm starved.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Wait a minute! How did this happen?
Sophia Petrillo: We all voted for you.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I- I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.
Blanche Devereaux: I guess that would hurt.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: IT DOES-S-S!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Now if we want to stay together we're going to have to raise $10,000.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I don't see why I have to raise any money. I didn't create this problem. I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.
Rose Nylund: She's talking about me, isn't she?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, Rose. She's talking about Spike Lee.
Rose Nylund: Don't get smart with me, Dorothy, just because you're out $10,000.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Me?
Rose Nylund: Face facts. I mean, we were already roommates when you brought your mother in. So eiher pay up or Sophia should move out.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, thank you very much! But if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold, it's going to be me.

Rose Nylund: I am the smartest woman in the whole world!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And I am the Pygmy queen!

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, you ninny! This says I'm going to convert my home into a half-way house for recently released convicts!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're right, Rose, you are the smartest woman in the world: Burger World.

Sophia Petrillo: The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli. He was my first husband through an arranged marriage which I had later annulled.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And?
Sophia Petrillo: [impatiently] And I shot him just to watch him die! What do you mean 'and'?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I mean, that's all? That's all you're gonna tell me about it?
Sophia Petrillo: We were promised to each other when we were nine. By most Sicilian standards, he was considered quite a catch. And he was supposed to inherit the family business.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What was the family business?
Sophia Petrillo: Getting even.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, what's in that box?
Sophia Petrillo: Mexican jumping beans.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Sorry, *Hispanic* jumping beans.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The box! Rose, where did you find it?
Rose Nylund: Well I was just under my bed playing, and then there it was.

Sophia Petrillo: I went against centuries of tradition. You don't leave an arranged marriage. I disgraced my family's entire way of life.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I think I'm finally beginning to see.
Sophia Petrillo: Good, then you'll have the decency to lie if anyone asks you about it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [gently] Of course not, Ma. It all has to go in the family history.
Sophia Petrillo: Don't do this, Dorothy, don't do something we'll both regret.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I have to, Ma.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [speaking into the tape recorder] In 1920, your great grandmother, Sophia Petrillo, became a pioneer in the Women's Rights Movement. She single-handedly dragged her family into the twentieth century by refusing to be thought of as property, and demanding instead to marry a man she loved. To do so, she had to leave behind everything she'd ever known. And that is the kind of courage and strength that flows through your veins.

Sophia Petrillo: Land! I'm a land owner, and it only took me 80 years! I'll be planting soon!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!

Sophia Petrillo: What a night. Did you hear that racket out front? I didn't sleep at all. I think Dreyfus has the hots for our lawn flamingo.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, we don't have a lawn flamingo.
Sophia Petrillo: In that case, we'd better tip the paperboy.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, the doctor says you're healthy as a horse. Well, actually, the doctor in our pre-paid health plan says you're healthy as a camel. I assume in his country it's the same as a horse.
Sophia Petrillo: You know, Dorothy, for an extra five dollars we can get a doctor who sees patients one at a time.

"The Golden Girls: The Engagement (#1.1)" (1985)
Dorothy: [First ever lines] I taught a class today - the finest school in Dade County. Three girls had shaved heads and two boys had green hair.
Coco: They're expressing themselves.
Dorothy: Well I expressed myself - I told them they had to leave they were too ugly to look at. Now the parents are mad. A man in a three piece suit came in and defended Tiffany - a bald girl with a nose ring.

Sophia: [Dorothy opens the door, Sophia's first lines] Hi there.
Dorothy: Ma! What're you doing here?
Sophia: Everyone is fine no one died, the home burnt down.
Dorothy: My God - are you all right? How did you get here?
Sophia: I hitched!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: A cab - I took a cab.
Dorothy: Well you should have called.
Sophia: I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself, I don't need help - I'm a very indapendent person!
Dorothy: I know! I know!
Sophia: I need $67.00 for the cab.
Dorothy: $67.00? Ma, ma - this is crazy the home is 15 minutes from here.
Sophia: My cab driver is Cuban, he says there's an additional tax fee for a bilingual driver.

Sophia: [Late at night, Sophia walks into the living room] Oh its you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard voices, I thought there were robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels!
Sophia: Thank God because I can't find them.

Blanche: [Blanche's first ever lines] Dorothy, can I borrow your mink stole?
Dorothy: It's Miami in June - only cat's are wearing fur!
Rose Nylund: Are you going out?
Dorothy: No, she's going to sit here where its 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

Rose Nylund: [Dicussing sleep] Charlie on the other hand moves all night long - his side of the bed looks like a murder took place.
Dorothy: Rose, Charlie is dead.
Coco: Why tell her?
Dorothy: Coco, its been 15 years.
Rose Nylund: I know he's dead - I'm not crazy. I just like to speak of him in the present tense, sometimes, it makes him seem closer.
Coco: That's fine Rose, you do that!
Dorothy: Sure Rose - set a place at the table!

Blanche: I just wonder what my husband, George, would make of me and Harry.
Dorothy: Well, if he was alive he probably would not like it. But since he's dead I don't think it poses a problem.
Blanche: Well, I just want him to know I'm happy, but I could never be as happy with Harry in the same way - as I was with him.
Rose Nylund: He knows, Blanche, he knows. Your thoughts and feelings go right to him, you can communicate directly from your heart, can't you, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh don't ask me - I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.

Dorothy: What am I doing up? I'm substituting for a teacher who was shot by one of the students. I need all the sleep I can get.

Sophia: The fancy man and I have a date at the dog track.
Blanche: Your mother bets?
Dorothy: No, races, she's a dog jockey.

Blanche: I can't eat anything with eyes.
Rose Nylund: I can't eat anything that moves.
Dorothy: Like what, Rose, horses?
Rose Nylund: Like oysters.
Coco: Oysters don't move.
Dorothy: Coco they could dance! Who cares?
Rose Nylund: Oysters move! Very slowly, you have to watch them.

Dorothy: Ma, the cab driver said you promised him a $67 tip!
Sophia: Don't be ridiculous, I said a 6-7 dollar tip. Why don't these people learn English if they're going to live here? I could have less trouble getting around Ecuador!

Rose Nylund: We were all so lonely and then by a miracle we found each other.
Dorothy: Rose, we both answered an ad to share Blanche's house that we found in the supermarket. It was not the resurrection. It is hardly a miracle.
Rose Nylund: To me it was, because we're happy.

"The Golden Girls: On Golden Girls (#1.6)" (1985)
Rose Nylund: This is like "The Long Day's Journey Into Light".
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: "Night", Rose.
Rose Nylund: 'Night, Dorothy.
[goes off to bed]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma I do not snore.
Sophia Petrillo: Please I had to roll you over so you wouldn't inhale the drapes.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know, we haven't slept together since I was a little girl.
Sophia Petrillo: Thank God.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I used to get into your bed whenever I had that dream about the bear.
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, the bear dream.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I hated that dream.
Sophia Petrillo: A bear is eating you, what's to love? You were so cute, you were always so polite when you woke me.
[deep voice]
Sophia Petrillo: Mommy, I'm having a bad dream, can I come in?

Sophia Petrillo: [coughs] Dorothy, do you have a cough drop?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: A hard candy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: A Tic-Tac?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Does it say K-Mart on the back of my nightgown?
Sophia Petrillo: As a matter of fact it does, you cheapskate.

Blanche Devereaux: Whatever will we do with him for two weeks?
Rose Nylund: Oh there are plenty of things to do down here. We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquariam, the Everglades, Rambo.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rambo?
Rose Nylund: The movie, with Sly Stallone.
Sophia Petrillo: I sat through it twice, you'll love it, he sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on.

David: Why should I stay here when I have all this crappy stuff to do? And nobody likes me anyway.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know first of all buddy boy, life is FULL of crappy stuff to do; it's everywhere so you better get used to it, the president has crappy stuff to do. Second of all your grandmother happens to like you, my mother likes you, she doesn't hit anyone unless she really cares, take it from me, and I like you.

David: You know this really stinks, what am I supposed to do for the next two weeks? Just sit around and listen to your arteries harden?
Blanche Devereaux: [gasps] David, you stop that.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know something, I'm having a real problem with your attitude.
David: Oh yeah? Well you can all just kiss my attitude.
[Sophia hits him, applause from the audience]

Blanche Devereaux: I don't see how doing all these chores is going to make him feel loved.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look Blanche, the one thing David has never had in his life is structure. Now doing chores will give him a little responsibility, he might even start feeling good about himself.
Blanche Devereaux: And start hating me if I make him do all this.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now look Blanche, you do what is best for David, not what is easiest for you.

Blanche Devereaux: [Rose talks about boys and girls having chores on the farm] But you grew up in the country, David's a city boy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh come on Blanche, I'm from New York, I did chores: I made the beds, I washed the dishes, scoured the pots, cleaned the bathroom, folded the laundry, took out the garbage.
Sophia Petrillo: My my, did you attend a military school?
Blanche Devereaux: No, she lived with me!

Blanche Devereaux: I guess when I was little I didn't have to do anything. And I raised my daughter the same way, so that's why David is the way he is now, so it's all my fault.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh now Blanche you can't blame yourself for David.
Blanche Devereaux: You're right, it's my mother's fault, I'm going to give him this list and see that he gets started right away.

Blanche Devereaux: [on the phone with Janet] If you don't straighten up and give that boy the love and attention he deserves, I will kick your upty butt till hell won't have it again!
[hangs up]
Blanche Devereaux: She'll call us right back, she has to wake the Yankee.
Rose Nylund: Well done, Blanche!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh absolutely, nice bluff.
Blanche Devereaux: That was no bluff, I meant every word of it. I'd love the chance to raise David, I might make up for the mistake I made with Janet.

"The Golden Girls: Ladies of the Evening (#2.2)" (1986)
[Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose have been arrested and locked in a police cell after being mistaken for prostitutes - just when they were about to attend a party hosted by Burt Reynolds]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This has to be the biggest disappointment of my life!
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Rose Nylund: Yeah. And I've known some real disappointments too, believe me!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you're not going to tell us the story about the exploding pig again, are you?
Rose Nylund: I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it's hard to keep track.
Blanche Devereaux: So, what was this great disappointment in your life, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Butter. I wanted to be butter queen!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, yeah. What an actress. She was so good in "Gone with the Wind." I wanted to be Miss Olivia de Havilland myself.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, are you listening to this?
Blanche Devereaux: Bits and pieces.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, thank God you're here!
Sophia Petrillo: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, we're innocent!
Sophia Petrillo: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

[the girls have been picked up for prostitution and are in a holding cell. One of the "working girls" takes offense at something Blanche says, and Dorothy steps in to save the situation]
Dorothy: Hey you punk... you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me but I warn you I did time in Attica.
Hooker #3: Attica's a *men's* prison!
Dorothy: I know. I was there a year before they found out.
Hooker #3: [backing down] Sorry, chief. Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.
Blanche: Dorothy, that was magnificent, how did you do that?
Dorothy: I taught in the public school system. It's really not that different.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well?
Exterminator: Your infestation profile is threefold. You have silverfish and waterbugs in the drainage areas, and under the baseboard structure you have blateria andropoulous.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Did you hear that, Rose? The President of Greece lives under our baseboards.
Exterminator: Blateria andropoulous is a cockroach.
Rose Nylund: Maybe he'll be voted out in the next election.

Rose Nylund: There's a story in the paper about the party tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: Really?
Rose Nylund: You won't believe who's gonna be there. Dom DeLuise.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
Rose Nylund: Loni Anderson.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
[Absolutely no reaction from Blanche and Dorothy. She tries again]
Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Unimpressed] Wow. Who else?
Rose Nylund: John Forsythe.
Blanche Devereaux: [Breathless with anticipation, she speaks faster and faster, twisting the newspaper in her hands] Mr. John Forsythe. Oh my God! He's just the sexiest man in television. And Burt Reynolds is the sexiest man in the movies. Oh, I cannot believe this. All that manliness in one room. In one crowded room. One hot, crowded room. Everybody's steamy bodies pressed up against each other...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche. Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. You're about to set off the smoke detector.

Rose Nylund: [Answers the phone] Hello. What? I'm one of the winners of the Publisher's Clearing House? Ed McMahon wants to see me right away? I should leave my Burt Reynolds ticket on the dresser before I go?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Realization dawns and she races to the door connecting their two hotel rooms] Ma, get off the phone!
Sophia Petrillo: [off screen] Mind your own business!
Rose Nylund: [Turns to the girls and waves them over] Guess what?
[She nods sagely]
Rose Nylund: I think this is Sophia.

Rose Nylund: [Horrified, her voice gets faster, louder and filled with terror as she speaks] I've never *been* in jail. I won't make it. They *always* prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart! From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid, and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who get bad grades in school! And then one day they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone, and when I make a run for it, he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh, *please* don't let them take me down town. I wanna live! I wanna live!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're not very good in a crisis, are you, Rose?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Officer.
The Policeman: [Hands on hips, oozing with jaded skepticism known only by veteran detectives] Now what can I do for the senior statesman of the group?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Trying to laugh it off] I'll let that pass because you have the upper hand.

Burt Reynolds: Hello.
[the girls are shocked to see Burt Reynolds at their door]
Burt Reynolds: Sophia around?
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, hi, Burt!
Burt Reynolds: How about a little lunch?
Sophia Petrillo: Listen, if you're buyin', how about a big lunch?
Burt Reynolds: Great.
Blanche Devereaux: My god. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on.
[to Sophia]
Burt Reynolds: These the roommates you told me about?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah.
Burt Reynolds: Which one's the slut?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund: I am!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [the girls have just been told the house has termites] What do you have to do to get rid of them?
Exterminator: The next step is to ascertain the condition of your exterior. For this I need to perform a cursory inspection of your subterraneal substructure.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean crawl under the house.
Exterminator: Anybody can make it sound stupid.

"The Golden Girls: The Operation (#1.18)" (1986)
Bonnie: [In hospital, Dorothy is very nervous about surgery on her foot. Bonnie, the lady in the bed next to her, is exercising] I hope my exercising doesn't bother you.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No not at all. What is it some kind of therapy you have to do?
Bonnie: No - I just like to stay healthy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, I hate to break this to you, Bonnie, but you're in a hospital the exercises aren't working.
Bonnie: Surgery today, huh?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yes. And I might as well warn you I am the best patient in the whole world.
Bonnie: Oh I can put up with it for one night. And then tomorrow it is my turn in the operating room.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're having surgery too?
Bonnie: Yep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And you're smiling?
Bonnie: I've had this procedure before, the first time I was as nervous as you are. This time I know what to expect.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're having the same operation, again? I mean, don't they get it right around here the first time.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh no, its nothing like that. About three years ago I had a mastectomy and - now I'm in for another.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And you're not scared?
Bonnie: I'm petrified. No one's that brave accept in the movies and on television. But at least this time I know what I'm facing. I've gone through all the steps before. I have considered the alternatives... dealt with the reality. The last time - I think I cried the moment the doctor told me and I didn't stop until they wheeled me off to surgery. And later, I cried because there was so much pain I didn't think it would ever go away, but it did. And it will again. You get through it. You go on. When it comes right down to it what other choice do we have? It could have been a lot worse I could have missed out on these last three years.
[Dorothy is teary eyed and silent]
Bonnie: Dorothy, are you alright?... How'd you feel?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Like a fool. Like a damn fool.

Nurse: The doctors will be in to prep you for surgery in about an hour, until then just relax.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: There aren't enough drugs in this entire building.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How much longer is this going to take? I'm tired of being poked, prodded and probed. More men have seen my backside in one day than in my entire life.

Blanche Devereaux: [sees Dorothy outside] Dorothy?
[goes over to sliding door]
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, what in the hell are you doing out there?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Uh checking the sprinkler system. Looks good, goodnight.

Blanche Devereaux: I think this is a lovely hospital room, don't you think it's lovely, Rose?
Rose Nylund: It's very lovely... I just can't help but think of how many people have never left this room.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Where are they, Rose, hiding in the shower?
Sophia Petrillo: She means a lot of people probably croaked in here.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know what she means, but I don't need to hear it the night before my operation.

Sophia Petrillo: I'm just here for moral support.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I already got plenty of that from my roommate.
[turns over and finds Bonnie's bed empty]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh she's gone! And I never thanked her.
Sophia Petrillo: Relax, she's not the Lone Ranger, she'll be back, I sent her to the cafeteria to get me a sandwich.

Rose Nylund: I'll never forget the things I saw the one summer I worked as a candy striper: misplaced patients, mixed up medications, botched operations...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, do a big ugly man with a limp a favor and shut up.

Sophia Petrillo: So Dorothy, you don't want to go back to the hospital?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: You don't want the doctor to operate?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: Fine, then we'll do it here. Blanche, boil some water and clear the table. Rose, sharpen my Ginzu knife. Dorothy, pick out a shoe you'd like to bite on.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're not serious!
Sophia Petrillo: No, I'm only being as ridiculous as you.

Sophia Petrillo: Do you have any idea how much it hurts a mother to see her child in pain? Worse than the 22 hours of labor...
Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: It took to bring you into this world. Worse than the burns I got working nights as a fry cook to put you through college. Worse than...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Alright Ma, I'll have the surgery, you win, but you don't play fair.
Sophia Petrillo: That's why I always win.

"The Golden Girls: The Audit (#3.10)" (1987)
[Dorothy is in dire financial straits following an audit and needs to raise $2500 in a month]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: ...I'm just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia Petrillo: Hold it! No daughter of mine is "Selling her stuff". It's immoral. It's a sin. And let's face it Dorothy, lately you can't give it away!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, I'm talking about selling some of my belongings!

Stan Zbornak: They could put us in jail!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Good! I want you to go to jail, and I want a big bald inmate named Bubba to pick you for his girlfriend!

Stan Zbornak: [bawling] Oh my God, we're going to jail Dorothy!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's right, Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba are registered for your china.

Rose Nylund: Norweigans are notoriously bad at Spanish.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I guess that's why there are no herring tacos.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Stan's carrying a trash bag] Hello Stan, so nice of you to bring garbage.
Stan Zbornak: This is all of our receipts from five years ago, our entire future is in this bag.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How appropriate.

Rose Nylund: I can't get my promotion unless I become bilingual.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh no! Honey don't do that, no job is worth having to date women!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche! Bilingual means someone who speaks more than one language!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh!
Blanche Devereaux: And here I thought it was something sexual.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I can't pawn this ring! Stan bought it for me. It means so much to me.
Blanche Devereaux: He also left you for a 28 year-old stewardess with firm thighs and perky breasts!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to the clerk at the pawn shop] You have yourself a ring!

Sophia Petrillo: What's going on in here?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, Stan bought a Corvette without telling me!
Sophia Petrillo: So what? Your father used to do things without telling me all the time! How do you think I got pregnant with your brother, Phil?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Five thousand dollars? We don't have five thousand dollars!
Mr. Murray: Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Aunt Dorothy doesn't like saying it!

"The Golden Girls: Sisters and Other Strangers (#5.21)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking about sisters] When I was a little girl I had this doll, Mrs. Dolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to touch...
Sophia Petrillo: Do we have to hear that damn Mrs. Dolittle story again? So your sister broke your doll, it was over 50 years ago.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It was very traumatic. It was my favorite doll.
Rose Nylund: I have a sister story...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And she didn't just break it, she fixed it so the eyes would never close again. She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Magda: What's to happen? Now that there is freedom in my country my people will read these books and be confused.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: These books represent different ideas. While you're here there are two books I want you to read. The first one is Thomas Paine's Common Sense, I think you'll realize what I'm trying to say. The other is Vanna White's autobiography.
Magda: Why should I read that?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's just a hell of a book.

Sophia Petrillo: If you need me I'll be in the bitter children of celebrities section.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't get lost.

Magda: Now the way it was we knew what to do. When there is one road no one gets lost.
Rose Nylund: Not so, back in St. Olaf...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, is this a story about getting lost?
Rose Nylund: Yes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well don't tell us, show us.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking about her favorite doll] And how did Mrs. Doolittle's hair get singed? Did it herself? I think not!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I would kill my sister if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia Petrillo: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?

Magda: [Stan's cousin from communist Czechoslovakia is visiting] Such a beautiful home! Who sleeps with government official?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, that would be my friend, Blanche... And this is my mother, Sophia Petrillo.
Sophia Petrillo: [skeptical] So, you're Stan's cousin.
Magda: Please don't hold it against me.
Sophia Petrillo: She's OK.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Sit down, sit down. Tell me, where's Stan? Is he parking the car?
Magda: I take taxi. Stanley and I have disagreement.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, what about?
Magda: He saw himself as human being, I disagreed.

Rose Nylund: [Stan's communist cousin is making Rose uncomfortable] This is terrible. I was raised to *hate* communists. I remember in the early '50s, when McCarthy came to St Olaf to speak in the town square. I was never so moved by a public speaker, although some people thought he was a puppet for the Right Wing. No, wait, that was Charlie McCarthy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'd have put money on that.
Rose Nylund: But still, St Olaf's town motto was, 'Better Ned than Red'. Ned was sort of the town idiot.
Sophia Petrillo: When, on your days off?

"The Golden Girls: Mixed Blessings (#3.23)" (1988)
Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, who are black, as well as Rose and Blanche, whose faces are covered in mud-pack] What is this a revival of 'Raisin in the Sun'?
Michael Zbornak: Grandma, this is my fiancée, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is your fiancée?
Michael Zbornak: Yeah, that's right.
Sophia Petrillo: You couldn't find someone your own age?
Greta: What is that supposed to mean?
Sophia Petrillo: No offense, but it means your daughter looks like she's been around the block more times than a Good Humor man!
Greta: [Turns to her sister] Hold my purse. Those are fightin' words!
Rose Nylund: Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating, not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John'?
Greta: Is she for real?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yep. Frightening isn't it?

Rose Nylund: [as she and Dorothy look at her reflection after a makeover] Oh my god I look awful! Oh Dorothy - its you!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry - I forgot it was a full-moon.

Rose Nylund: Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiancée?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose. I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected Mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postmen wear leather bell bottoms and a fur vest.

Rose Nylund: [Dorothy is unhappy with her son marrying an older, black woman] The same thing happened to the Vigbotters back in St. Olaf. Y'see Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Vigbotter didn't approve. He did his best to keep them apart. But, one day he came home early, and he found Gretchen and Buddy in... how will I say it... a most indelicate situation.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What did he do?
Rose Nylund: Well he yelled at them to stop, but they wouldn't, so he turned the hose on them!
Blanche Devereaux: He turned the hose on them?
Rose Nylund: Well they were in the front yard!
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche gasps] Ohhhhh?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Wait - wait a minute, wait a minute, Rose. Buddy and Gretchen weren't people were they?
Rose Nylund: Of course not. They were dogs! Gretchen was a Dalmation and Buddy was a Schnauzer, and Mr. Vigbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of Schnalmations!
Blanche Devereaux: You know, Rose, sometimes I wish somebody had turned the hose on your parents.

Rose Nylund: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Better than anybody I know.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age. What can a woman in her forties possibly have in common with a boy in his twenties?
Blanche Devereaux: Sex! At twenty, a man is at his peak and a woman in her forties is also at her peak so when the two come together, HOT DAMN!

Michael Zbornak: [telling his mother about the woman he has suddenly decided to marry] She's staying with her family in Miami Beach. We thought maybe we'd get the two families together Sunday?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [sincerely] Oh, terrific idea. I can't wait to meet her.
Michael Zbornak: Before you do, Mom, there is something about her you should know. Lorraine is... kind of... black.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [suddenly uncomfortable, laughing in denial as she tries to process what Michael is telling her] Kind of black. What, uh, what, what does that mean, 'kind of black'? I mean, that's, uh, that's like being kind of Spanish. Y'know, either you are or you arent.
Michael Zbornak: She is.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh God!
Rose Nylund: Emilio Estevez is kind of Spanish, Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [sarcastically] Thank you, Rose.

Sophia Petrillo: [twentysomething Michael is intent on marrying Lorraine, a 44-year-old black woman; Lorraine's mother and two aunts have come by to discuss how to prevent the marriage] You know, I'm glad you showed up. There's something important we didn't discuss this afternoon, and I'd like to get that cleared up before we talk about anything else.
Greta: What is it?
Sophia Petrillo: Is it true what they say about black men in bed?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh yes, definitely.
Blanche Devereaux: [everyone stares at Blanche in disbelief as she realises what she's said] Oh yes, definitely, that is something I would like to know about, too.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, please, that's a stereotype.
Trudy: Call it whatever you want. I'm just grateful it's true!
[the fact that Trudy, Lorraine's aunt, is black herself has provided a certain credibility]

"The Golden Girls: The One That Got Away (#4.3)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [Rose sees Dorothy looking through binoculars] What are you doing, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh... looking up at the stars... pondering the universe.
Rose Nylund: I've been doing the same thing... thinking how wonderful it would be if there really were aliens... maybe it'd be just like Cocoon... they'd take us away... and we'd never grown old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: See, I don't know. I like my life. I mean - I'm not president or anything, I'm just a teacher... a substitute teacher... a divorced substitute teacher... who can't even afford her own place to live - BEAM ME UP!

[Major Barker is visiting the house, looking into Rose's report of seeing a UFO]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose is the only one here who thinks she saw a UFO.
Major Barker: I understand, Miss Zbornak. By the way is that Miss Zbornak or Mrs? I'm hoping it's Miss.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, yes!
[slinks over and sits next to him on the couch]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: As a matter of fact it is!
Major Barker: Good! I've already got that box checked on this form.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, there is no such thing as a U.F.O.
Rose Nylund: They were probably looking for someone to bring up to the ship.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, then you stay out here, flag them down if they fly by again. I'll go inside and pack a bag.
Rose Nylund: But I want to be the one to go!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Whose bag do you think I'm going to pack?

Blanche Devereaux: [laughing and humming, as in ecstasy, while eating cookies] Ha, ha, ha... hmmm, hmmm... oooh... mmm, mmm.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, are you in a good mood?
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you always could see right through me.
Sophia Petrillo: Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy and Superman couldn't see right through you.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Ham just rang the doorbell] Blanche, will you calm down? I have never seen you so worked up over one date.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, I let this gorgeous man slip though my fingers once before, I don't intend to let it happen again.
Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia opens the door for Ham, an overweight bald man] You couldn't let him slip through your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What we saw was not a UFO.
Rose Nylund: Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin or that bright.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.

Sophia Petrillo: [in a card game on the lanai, Sophia doesn't play fair] Look, Mr Finebaum's totally naked in his bedroom window.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Rose looks where Sophia is pointing; Dorothy grabs the cards] That is the third time we caught you cheating. Ma, you're out of the game.
Sophia Petrillo: Hey, give me a break. When you're 80, you're allowed to cheat, just like you're allowed to take money out of your daughter's purse. Oops. Uh, was that the 'phone? Don't trouble yourselves. I'll get it.
[she goes inside]
Rose Nylund: How did you know your mother was cheating, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Because Mr Finebaum never walks around totally naked. He always wears a Boy Scout neckerchief. But never in the same place twice. Which is why there's no Mrs Finebaum.

Rose Nylund: [Dorothy and Rose are playing cards on the lanai, when something bright flies overhead] Did you see that, Dorothy? That was a UFO.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Rose, don't be ridiculous. It was a plane. Deal, come on.
Rose Nylund: Planes don't fly over residential neighborhoods.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Neither do UFOs. They only fly over empty fields in Kentucky, where fat guys in overalls named Cooley have just run out of gas.

"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's Prized Pupil (#2.21)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: What kind of movie is this?
Man in Theatre: Rip his throat out!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's a musical, Rose.

Blanche Devereaux: [watching the movie] I want to get a better look at this guy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He's in a loin cloth, covered in oil, what more is there to see?
Blanche Devereaux: I don't know but I'm going to move down to the front row and find out.

Rose Nylund, Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Surprise!
Sophia: [coming in] Louder next time, my heart's still beating!
Rose Nylund: We thought you were Mario.
Sophia: You'll have to yell louder than that to kill him.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking to Mario on a movie theatre] You know, a lot of people come to America to start a new life. You're looking at one. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Came to America, started a new career, married a Kennedy. Right now, he's tearing off a man's arm and hitting him with it.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [watching the movie] WHOA! Sorry Mario. I never realized that ripping a man's nose off his face would leave a hole that big.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What the hell is a weedenfrugen?
Rose Nylund: Veedenfrugen.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I read somewhere that in America, you always felt that you were among friends.
Mario: That was just a story.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I think it's a true story.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [reading Mario's essay] In America, you always felt that you were among friends.

"The Golden Girls: Blanche Delivers (#6.1)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [In response to Sophia making jokes about her birth] Ma, you know you're really hurting my feelings.
Sophia Petrillo: Not as much as you hurt my oonie.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: MA!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, listen! You don't have to do anything to please your parents!
Sophia Petrillo: She's right. I'd like to be proud of Dorothy for something but I'm not going to kill myself if that day never comes.
Rose Nylund: But my parents called me Twinkletoes.
Sophia Petrillo: I called Dorothy Bigfoot. That doesn't mean she has to make tracks all over the Northwest.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What Ma is trying to say is that she loves me for what I am.
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. An over-the-hill schoolteacher who has to wait for the phone to ring to know if she's going to work that day.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh. It doesn't matter what your parents want. Rose, you're never going to make them happy. They're just going to nag you and nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke them but you don't because you're in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!

Rose Nylund: Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes and yes.

Blanche Devereaux: [to Rose] I think it's wonderful that you're taking part in a Senior Sports Classic. You know, I might try entering it myself, in 15 years when I'm eligible. If I can come up with an event.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The luge is the only one where you get to lie on your back.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Becky. Is something wrong? What's the matter?
Rebecca Devereaux: I was just wondering what being in labour feels like.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How do you feel right now?
Rebecca Devereaux: If I had any military secrets, I'd talk.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Showtime.

Tamara: [a woman is crying out, giving birth] Sounds like there's a mommy in the making!
Rose Nylund: Sounds like there's a mommy on fire!
Tamara: I'll be right back.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh good, we can sneak out.
Rebecca Devereaux: Mother!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Becky, I have to admit everything is well coordinated here. But honey, wouldn't you be happier in a place where there's less stereo and more...
[another scream]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: morphine?
Rebecca Devereaux: I'm just looking into alternatives. You know, hospitals have a rigid way of doing things.
[another cry]
Rebecca Devereaux: Why is she screaming?
Sophia Petrillo: She's conscious!
Rebecca Devereaux: [another cry] I just want this to be an experience I'll never forget.
[sudden horrific scream]
Tamara: You're in luck. You're about to see one of our deliveries.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: We don't need the whole tour.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Mornin', Ma. How ya feelin'?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm not sure. What did we have for dinner last night?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Mexican.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, then I'm OK.

Tamara: [on a tour of the birthing center] We have a lot of features here to create the right environment for both you and baby. That's why we have music piped into every room.
Rebecca Devereaux: So, uh, Mama, what do you think?
Blanche Devereaux: I think it would cost less to squat in a Laura Ashley showroom.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Look, I hate to be an alarmist, but what if the baby or the mother needs more than Muzak and throw pillows?
Tamara: You're a meat eater, aren't you!

"The Golden Girls: High Anxiety (#4.20)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: ...there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, you don't mean...
Blanche Devereaux: Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Obviously you fell off the wagon.
Sophia Petrillo: And onto a naval base.

Sophia Petrillo: Phyllis Gluckman is giving me a ride to my acting lesson. If I'm gonna be in a commercial, I want to be good.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what are you talking about? The commercial is off.
Sophia Petrillo: No it isn't. I got the director to change his mind.
Blanche Devereaux: Then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?
Sophia Petrillo: No, he doesn't want to get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.
Blanche Devereaux: But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothing to show for it.
Sophia Petrillo: Welcome to show business.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Dorothy is skeptical about Sophia's claim that she's been asked to be in a pizza-store commercial] OK, OK, Ma, where are you going to shoot this commercial?
Sophia Petrillo: Well, we discussed many exotic, uh, locations, and we settled on... right here!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, now hold on here. I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment.
Rose Nylund: Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, what are those pills for?
Rose Nylund: The doctor prescribed them when I wrenched my back.
Blanche Devereaux: I didn't know you had hurt your back.
Rose Nylund: Oh, it's an old farm injury from St Olaf. Ahh, I'll never forget when it happened. It was time to plant the crops, but after seventeen years of pulling a plow, poor old Bessie was worn out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, why didn't you just get another mule?
Rose Nylund: Oh, Bessie wasn't a mule. She was a big, fat lady who pulled farm plows for a living.
Blanche Devereaux: [astonished] For God's sake. What about tractors?
Rose Nylund: Well, come on, Blanche. If she was too old to pull a plow, how could she ever pull a tractor?

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, you can't stop takin' these pills. You have a problem.
Rose Nylund: I can stop, and I'll start stopping tomorrow. Oh, boy, will you be proud of me. You just wait. Only I can't stop tonight.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why not?
Rose Nylund: Because... because! Because tonight is the anniversary of the death of my beloved cat, Fluffy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you have never had cats. You're allergic.
Rose Nylund: OK, it's the anniversary of the death of my beloved brother, Fluffy.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Rose is realizing she may be hooked on her medication] Honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.
Sophia Petrillo: Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, let us call a rehabilitation center for you.
Rose Nylund: No, I don't need one of those places. I can't go to one of those places. I'd be too ashamed. I'd be too embarrassed.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What is there to be ashamed of? You have a medical problem. Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was... was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?
Sophia Petrillo: She should have been. Did you see "Arthur 2"?

Blanche Devereaux: [describing her temptations after her husband George died] There was a man. He asked me to sleep with him. I said, *No*. But I knew something greater than my will-power was necessary for me to resist him, so I called my sister.
Rose Nylund: Did she help talk you through it?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, better than that. She drove straight over, she took him by the throat, she said if he ever tried that again she would shoot him through the head.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Just because he made a pass at you?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, did I forget to mention that the man was my sister's husband?

"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding: Part 1 (#4.6)" (1988)
Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise. A Genuine Elvis artifact.
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop.
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outta the club.

Blanche: [having kicked Dorothy out of the Elvis club] Well I... I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.
Dorothy: ...I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis-fan-club... I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life... I mean there must be a support group for people like me.

Dorothy: ...And if you see Max, I don't want you making another scene - like you did at the funeral!
Sophia Petrillo: Scene? What scene? It's not my fault the klutz tripped over my foot and nearly fell into an open grave!
Dorothy: You didn't have to yell 'start shovelling boys!' as he tried to get up.

Rose: ...I was always kind of the Gypsy of the family - the rebel! I wanted to see the world - that's why, after High School, I went to St. Gustaf University to study Latin.
Dorothy: I didn't know you studied Latin?
Rose: First in my class!
Rose: Ororthy Day!

Max Weinstock: [informing the gay caterer the wedding is cancelled because of Dorothy] She doesn't approve.
Caterer: She doesn't approve? Now look here, stretch. I have a hundred cheese puffs and a sensitive assistant both on the verge of collapse. Whatever the problem is, overlook it. My mother did with my marriage.
[Dorothy looks at him]
Caterer: And if you say something smart, I'll slap you silly.
Dorothy: Look if you don't mind, this is a private conversation, so butt out, Rambo.

Dorothy: [Dorothy has just discovered Sophia and Max in bed together] Ma, what is going on here?
Sophia Petrillo: Afterglow.

Dorothy: Ma what's the matter?
Sophia Petrillo: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry, what happened?
Sophia Petrillo: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. She was 88!
Rose: Well it's great that she was able to work right up till the end.

"The Golden Girls: Bringing Up Baby (#3.3)" (1987)
Rose: [about her pig named Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.
Dorothy: The actor or the sausage?

Sophia: [describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?
Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I've got 5, you want 'em? A lifetime's supply.

Sophia: [seeing Baby, without her glasses] My God that's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
Dorothy: Ma! It's a pig!
Sophia: Hey you were no looker when I brought you home from the hospital either, I brought you anyway!

Blanche Devereaux: How long does Rose have to keep this pig before she gets the money?
Chester T. Raney: As long as he lives.
Chester T. Raney: Oh forget it!
Rose: Well I'd split the money with you, girls.
Dorothy: Forget it!
Blanche Devereaux: How long does a pig live?
Chester T. Raney: 25 years?
Rose: Forget it!
Blanche Devereaux: How old is this pig?
Chester T. Raney: 29.
Dorothy: Welcome, Baby!

Blanche Devereaux: I just read that it's very important that every child has a male influence in their life.
Rose: What are we going to do?
Dorothy: We'll all put on Yankee caps and scratch our behinds after beer!

Rose: [Rose has inherited Baby, an elderly white pig that is sick] Baby's problem isn't physical - it's mental.
Dorothy: [Incredulously] Four grown women are living with a pig and the pig has mental problems?

"The Golden Girls: Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom Tom (#5.17)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: [singing] Over there, over there, send the word send the word over there, that the Yanks are coming! The Yanks are coming! The drums rum-tum...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: THAT was the lullaby your mother used to sing?
Rose Nylund: Yes, it was the only song she knew.

Rose Nylund: When I get nervous I put my head between my knees.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, that's for nausea.
Rose Nylund: When I'm scared I'm nauseous. Remember the time that guy tried to steal my purse?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Worked better than mace.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma I said I was sorry.
Sophia Petrillo: The least you can do when we're gonna see a movie is say it's a foreign film.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What is the big deal?
Sophia Petrillo: I had to stand in front of the screen just to read the subtitles and all that running back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me!

Sophia Petrillo: [Scene missing from DVD releases] Hey, where's my microwave popcorn?
Rose Nylund: We gave it away. Since Blanche got her pacemaker the doctor says we can't use the microwave.
Sophia Petrillo: But I love that popcorn!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, if we use the microwave, Blanche could die.
Sophia Petrillo: Same thing with Cup O'Noodles?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: We're not going to use it, Ma. As a matter of fact, tomorrow the people from Goodwill are coming to pick it up.
Sophia Petrillo: But I love this microwave. I'm 83 years old, do you want me to spend what little time I have left waiting for a baked potato?
[Later after Blanche leaves the room]
Sophia Petrillo: For this we're giving up Cheez Whiz nachos?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How'd your physical go?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, just fine. The doctor could not believe it when I told him my age.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why, what age did you tell him?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche's doctor wants her to go back to the hospital for more tests.
Rose Nylund: It makes sense, just to be on the safe side.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, well, of course it does. What kind of doctor would he be if he didn't want to check out everything.
Blanche Devereaux: [very nervous] Yeah, well, if it makes him happy. If everything's as bad as he thinks it is, he wants to put a pacemaker in me.
Sophia Petrillo: Everybody's got a nickname for it.

"The Golden Girls: Feelings (#6.6)" (1990)
Kevin Kelly: Oh, no. You're not a substitute nurse too, are you?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm sorry about your knee. You know, you wouldn't have been blindsided if you'd stayed in the pocket.
Kevin Kelly: You know football?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know everything. Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast.
Kevin Kelly: Uh, yeah, some of the guys from the team. Are you signing it?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Correcting it. There is no K in victory. Oh yeah, and we'll just change this to 'Ms. Zbornak eats shiitake mushrooms.'
Kevin Kelly: Listen, if you're feeling guilty about not influencing my life, don't. People have been trying to get me to be serious for years.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: We made a deal. You promised me that I could tutor you once football season was over, and it looks like it is.
Kevin Kelly: Yeah, but this isn't exactly fair; I can't move.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, I know, I know. It'll be like teaching fish in a barrel.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't enjoy failing anybody, especially this kid, but he's lazy. In his book report on 'A Tale of Two Cities' he said he liked them both, but he really prefers Minneapolis 'cause that's where Prince is from!

Rose Nylund: When the nitrous oxide wore off and my head began to clear, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat, but I think he was up to more than that.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, Rose, I mean, what gave you that idea?
Rose Nylund: I don't think 'wowie-wow-wow-wow' is a medical term.
Blanche Devereaux: [outraged] How could he do a thing like that?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Believe me, just because men in the medical profession wear white does not mean that they're angels.

Sophia Petrillo: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you have relatives who threw priests out of windows.
Sophia Petrillo: That was business!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche is telling me about Freud.
Sophia Petrillo: Why are you askin' her? I'm the one who slept with him.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia this is serious, honey. According to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgan, she could take her hostilities out on us.
Sophia Petrillo: Tunnels. He loved to drive through tunnels!

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, you're home from school.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Ma, do you realize you've said the same thing to me just that way ever since I was in the 3rd grade? That's sweet.
Sophia Petrillo: t's not sweet, it's pathetic. Fifty-two years, and you never stopped off anwhere. Get a life! So, did you teach anybody anything today?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, I tried, but it seems none of the kids are interested in learning how to diagram sentences. I really don't get it. I mean, am I the only one who thinks diagramming sentences is fun?
Sophia Petrillo: You talk like this on dates, don't you?
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you're a substitute. Your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Then what is it?
Blanche Devereaux: To keep the kids from burning the school down before the other teacher gets back.

"The Golden Girls: Room Seven (#7.10)" (1991)
Sophia Petrillo: I was living for the day!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You were MOONING a chain gang!
Sophia Petrillo: And did you see the looks on their faces? They probably haven't seen a woman in years.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Come to think of it, they did keep up through four warning shots.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [trying to get Blanche to come downstairs] You were right, Blanche! These naked southern guys sure can dance!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, what're you doing?
Blanche Devereaux: [handcuffs herself to the radiator] If they're going to BLOW this place up they're gonna do it with ME in it!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looks out the window, and up] Ma! Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Just living for the day, pussycat! I never jumped into a haystack before!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Geronimo!
[jumps off the ledge]
Blanche Devereaux: Is she okay?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah I think so, Rose broke her fall. ROSE, are you alright?
Rose Nylund: Charlie? Charlie is that you?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh great! ANOTHER one who hears voices!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How long do you think you can stay handcuffed?
Blanche Devereaux: My personal best is 38 hours... of course then I had somebody to play with.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I want you to rail against it, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: I said I wasn't afraid to die anymore, I didn't say I was ready to die. You don't have to believe this, Pussycat, but stop trying to take it away from me.

"The Golden Girls: Mary Has a Little Lamb (#5.13)" (1990)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Listen to this, "If I were truly free, O fire of my loins, I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked together in a frenzy of love.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, who wrote that?
Sophia Petrillo: Merrill Kellog.
Dorothy Zbornak: Merrill Kell... Who's he?
Sophia Petrillo: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.
Dorothy Zbornak: [snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison that Blanche has been writing to.
Rose Nylund: How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia Petrillo: [taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Blanche Deveraux: [entering the kitchen] Good morning girls.
Sophia Petrillo: Good morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter
[hands it to Blanche and leaves]
Rose Nylund: Blanche, I didn't!
Blanche Deveraux: Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another one of those letters form Merrill. I would read it to you anyway. They're not personal.
Dorothy Zbornak: Not personal! The man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.
Blanche Deveraux: Well, sure. And I wrote him I want to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia trees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!
Rose Nylund: Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.
Blanche Deveraux: [obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.

Dorothy Zbornak: [the girls' young friend Mary has stopped by to visit] Tell me, sweetheart. You having fun in high school?
Mary: Oh, it's okay.
Blanche Deveraux: Oh, I loved high school! It seems like only yesterday. Riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances...
Dorothy Zbornak: Yeah. And don't forget the Hindenburg disaster.
Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters] Ma, look who's here.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh. So, Mary. When's the baby due?
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma! You're talking to a sixteen year old girl!
Sophia Petrillo: A knocked up sixteen year old girl!
[Mary confirms that Sophia is right]
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, how did you know?
Sophia Petrillo: Because you had the same look of panic on your face when you got pregnant. Kind of like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. I thought only pregnant teen-agers had that expression until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.

Merrill 'Moose' Kellog: I'm Merrill. Are you Blanche?
Dorothy Zbornak: No.
Merrill 'Moose' Kellog: How 'bout you, cutie?
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, this guy's done hard time!

Sophia Petrillo: It's a known fact that dogs take on the personality traits of their masters.
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh yeah? Then why does your brother Phil's poodle like to wear that tutu and hop around on his hind legs?
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, come on, Ma, I mean, Phil would look pretty stupid doing that by himself.

Dorothy Zbornak: [the Girls are discussing natural childbirth classes] I wish I had known about them when I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do, except scream at Stan never to touch me again and call him every name in the book.
Rose Nylund: Rough labor?
Dorothy Zbornak: Rough conception.

Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy and Sophia try to get pregnant Mary's father to take her back] You feel because Mary went out and got herself pregnant that she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. It's someone that gets knocked up in the back seat of a Studebaker at a drive-in movie. It was a Studebaker, wasn't it, Dorothy?
Dorothy Zbornak: [mortified] It was a Nash, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Now that's a slut.

"The Golden Girls: Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas (#5.12)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, boy, it is hell out there. It must be 103 and the mall is impossible.
Sophia Petrillo: Did you get something for the grandchildren?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh, I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat . . .but I did it anyway!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose we have to talk to you about Christmas. It is too hot to go out shopping again so why don't we just draw names out of a hat and then we only have to buy one gift each?
Rose: But Dorothy I love Christmas and I love giving presents at Christmas. Besides, if we draw names out of a hat, whose names are they going to be?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The Oakridge Boys, Rose! Each others'!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why are the Christmas cookies shaped like Liberty Bells and American flags?
Rose: I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters so I used the 4th of July ones.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stan, do you remember the Christmas we were so broke, you convinced the kids that Christmas was actually the 26th? You went out and got a Christmas tree from somebody's garbage and you trimmed it with gum wrappers and pull tabs. Then you turned on Jim Thorpe, All American and told them it was King of Kings.
Stan Zbornak: And they believed it too.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Right up until Jesus got His medals taken away for playing professional baseball.
Stan Zbornak: Yeah, kind of got to be a tradition for us.

Blanche: Well that's all of the presents, except for the ones we know are fruitcakes.
Sophia Petrillo: Wait a minute, what about the one Blanche hid behind the couch?
Rose: Oh my present for you!
[picks it up and gives it to Blanche]
Rose: I can't wait to see the look on your face.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [grinning] Neither can I.
Blanche: [opens the present hesitantly, surprised] Rose! It's a beautiful blouse.
Rose: I hope you like it. Dorothy said you'd want something crotchless.

Blanche: [watching the poor and homeless come in] I just never thought there'd be children.
Rose: [nods, sees a Santa come in with them] What's Santa doing here?
Blanche: Oh they pay these out of work guys 10 or 15 dollars to stand on a corner and ring their bell, most of them can't afford the price of a meal.
Stan Zbornak: [Santa goes over to Dorothy] Hello.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Hello, Santa.
Stan Zbornak: [pulls off his beard] Dorothy, it's me, Stan.

"The Golden Girls: Twice in a Lifetime (#5.20)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, we need to talk. I waited up for you until two in the morning, and you still weren't home.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, yea, Gertie and I and some of the girls went to Wolfie's to pick up guys.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I called Wolfie's at 11, you weren't there.
Sophia Petrillo: Guess who got lucky?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh God!
Sophia Petrillo: What can I say? A couple of egg creams, the bright fluorescent lights, and a retired jeweler named Shlomo all conspired to make a night of enchantment.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Not for me. I can't tell you the horrible thoughts I had about what might have happened to you, although none as horrible as what you just described.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [happily] Ma.
Blanche: Sophia, you're here. And you have your suitcases. Does that mean you're not leaving?
Sophia Petrillo: I don't get it. I'm only gone for a few days and the dumb one's in there acting like a slut while the slut's in here being stupid! Of, course I'm back!

Sophia Petrillo: Pussycat, I'm goin' out with my friends. Can you give me some money?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What happened to the money I gave you last night?
Sophia Petrillo: Let's see. Ten bucks went for cover charge, ten bucks went for a round of drinks, and the other ten went into the G-string of a very cute male dancer named Mr Big.
Blanche: I know that guy. That's just a stage name.

Sophia Petrillo: [trying to explain her new group of friends] Look. The Senior Citizens Center is divided into three cliques: the hip group, the not-so-hip group, and the broken-hip group. Which group would you want to be in?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, Ma, when I was a kid, you always told me it wasn't important to be a member of a popular clique. You always said, 'Just be yourself.'
Sophia Petrillo: Sure, that was because no-one liked you.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanche] This is why, when I was a kid, I had an imaginary mother.

Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia is fed up with Dorothy's criticism of her lifestyle] Well, I'm leaving. I found a compatible roommate. Here's my new address and 'phone number.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Ma, you're joking.
Sophia Petrillo: It's no joke. Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen. Arrivederci, and Sayonara.
[she leaves]
Rose: Gee, she could have at least said, 'Goodbye'.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it. What is this hold that Buzz has over you?
Blanche: Oh, I know exactly what she's going through, Dorothy. First love can be very powerful. I felt the same way about Heywood Boyle, the star pitcher on our High School baseball team. Ah, an amazing athlete. That boy had exceptional control.
[she pauses in reverie, while Dorothy rolls her eyes]
Blanche: He was always up for extra innings.
[another pause]
Blanche: And his delivery...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [erupting] All right, Blanche, enough!
Rose: Yeah, we get it. So, what was he like in bed?

"The Golden Girls: Blanche and the Younger Man (#1.9)" (1985)
Rose: Hi Blanche! Gee, you look terrific!
Blanche: Thanks!
[jogs out the door]
Rose: [to Dorothy] Blanche looks terrible!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's because all she eats is wheat grass and bee pollen.
Rose: I know! And the strange thing is the bees look so good!

Rose: I want you all to meet my mother, Mrs. Lindstrom. THIS IS BLANCHE AND THIS IS DOROTHY AND SOPHIA!
Alma Lindstrom: IT WAS JUST FINE!
[to Rose]
Alma Lindstrom: Which one of them is hard of hearing?

Blanche: [a man in his 20s has invited Blanche out to dinner] You know what I think, I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk. I'm gonna go out with him this Saturday night.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Was there ever any doubt?
Blanche: Momentarily. This is strictly off the record but - Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: In what Blanche, dog years?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What are you doing now?
Blanche: I'm taking my bee-pollen and my sheep's liver extract and my fish oil protein. I'm getting younger with each passing day.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Great. When they defrost Walt Disney he'll have someone to go out with.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, where're you going with all that food?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm laying supplies for when Rose's mother gets here, she's on a special diet; I hate those people, you turn your back for 2 seconds, BOOM BOOM, your food's gone. Suddenly anything you're eating is on their diet.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what makes you think Rose's mother is old? She's the same age you are.
Sophia Petrillo: Then why did Rose rent a wheelchair at the airport, order her a special meal on the plane, and put an oxygen tank in the garage?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Maybe her mother is a disabled welder on a special diet.

"The Golden Girls: Scared Straight (#4.9)" (1988)
Sophia Petrillo: I don't get to know?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Okay. Have it your way. But nobody can keep a secret from Sophia Petrillo. Whatever that guy is hiding I can smoke it out of him in three or four quick questions.
Clayton Hollingsworth: [entering the kitchen] Hello, ladies.
Sophia Petrillo: Perfect timing!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: So, Clayton, what do you think of this Miami weather were having?
Clayton Hollingsworth: Oh, it's lovely.
Sophia Petrillo: I see. Have you ever been to Europe?
Clayton Hollingsworth: No. But it's always been a dream of mine.
Sophia Petrillo: Interesting
[holds up 2 fingers]
Sophia Petrillo: How many fingers am I holding up?
Clayton Hollingsworth: Two.
Sophia Petrillo: Fine. You can go back in the living room now.
[Clayton exits]
Sophia Petrillo: The man's as gay as a picnic basket!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, that... that is incredible! How did you know?
Sophia Petrillo: I heard him singing in the shower. He's the only man I ever knew who knows all the words to "Send In the Clowns".

Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia sighs deeply and Dorothy ignores her] Hey! You're not going to ask me what's wrong?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What's wrong, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: I got three days to live.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, Ma, I'll scratch the Bengay off the grocery list.

Sophia Petrillo: I'm dying, Dorothy, Saturday night at 9, don't make any plans.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you're being ridiculous!
Sophia Petrillo: I know! When was the last Saturday night you had plans?

Sophia Petrillo: Hold your hands out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What for?
Sophia Petrillo: So I can say 'hi' like Magic Johnson.
[slaps her ten]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what're you doing sitting in the dark?
Sophia Petrillo: Conserving energy for those who'll be alive after Saturday.

Rose: I don't feel right even talking about it, maybe if I whisper.
[whispers into Dorothy's ear]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [confused] Clayton is a hobo?
Rose: No, Dorothy!
[whispers again]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh... oh! Now, now I get it!
Rose: Oh thank goodness, for a minute I thought I was going to have to draw you a picture, and I'm not even sure I'd know how!

"The Golden Girls: The Artist (#3.13)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you're a mess!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I just spilled orange juice on myself.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, really? I didn't notice that.

Blanche: Dorothy, there it is. The Statue.
Dorothy: Oh, this is so exciting!
Blanche: I can't wait to hear that crowd gasp, when they lift up the sheet and see me there.
Dorothy: I'd think you'd be used to that by now Blanche.

Blanche Devereaux: [the girls have been arguing about posing for Lazlo] You, too?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: He asked me last Thursday.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I am stunned.
Rose Nylund: I'm relieved.
Blanche Devereaux: Relieved?
Rose Nylund: Well, sure. The woman you saw in those horrible drawings must have been Dorothy!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, what exactly makes you think he's *your* man?
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Blanche Devereaux: Maybe the fact that I found him first.
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Rose Nylund: What about the fact that he dumped you for me?
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Laszlo, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Who's Laszlo?
Rose Nylund: A Hungarian artist we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia Petrillo: In the future, a simple none of your business, Sophia will suffice!

Laszlo: So, I am caught at last. Well, what can I say?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche and Rose, get out. Dorothy, it's *you* I want!
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've... never seen him in overalls before.

Blanche Devereaux: [after the statue has been unveiled] Oh! My God, I look gorgeous!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You? Blanche, that's me!
Rose Nylund: The hell it is!
Blanche Devereaux: Girls, be serious. Look at those eyes.
Rose Nylund: Look at the nose.
Sophia Petrillo: Look at the butt.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, you can't see the butt.
Sophia Petrillo: Then it sure can't be you.

"The Golden Girls: Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy (#6.5)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: [to Blanche] Blanche, are you alright?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm stunned, I'm just stunned.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, what's wrong?
Blanche Devereaux: That call, it was Viola Watkins, she used to be my Mammy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Your what?
Blanche Devereaux: My Mammy, the woman who took care of me when I was little.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I ever heard anyone called Mammy before.
Rose Nylund: What about Mrs. Eisenhower?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mammy Eisenhower... I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.

Rose Nylund: You know, I had a nanny when I was a child. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and I'd know she would keep it a secret. We used to spend the days running and playing in the meadow or playing hide and seek in the barn. My nanny treated me like I was her own kid.
[she is overcome with emotion]
Rose Nylund: Excuse me.
[she leaves the room]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?
[Sophia and Blanche indicate 'No' shaking their heads without a word]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
Rose Nylund: That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, please Rose! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck!... And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Do I look like I just fell off the back of the turnip truck?
Rose Nylund: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now listen, you withered old Sicilian monkey!
Sophia Petrillo: I don't have to take this. Keep it up and I'll send you to Shady Pines!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's where I take you.
Sophia Petrillo: Ouch. Guess I backed into that one.

Blanche Devereaux: [after learning her father, Big Daddy, had an affair with her Mammy] This changes everything I ever thought about Big Daddy. I always assumed that he and Mama had a wonderful sex life. I walked in on 'em once when I was a little girl. There was all this huffin' and puffin' and high-pitched sounds, and then suddenly Big Daddy shouted out, "GLORY!", and they both lit up cigarettes. I vowed, then and there, I would *never* do anything so repulsive.
Rose Nylund: So what happened?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Bobby Joe Porter explained to me that the cigarette part was optional.
Sophia Petrillo: Remember that one time you walked in on me, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, yeah. I still remember what you said: "Mommy's sick, get help."
Rose Nylund: I would have *died* if I had ever caught my parents having sex.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What, you never walked in on them?
Rose Nylund: Once, but they were only playing leapfrog.

"The Golden Girls: The Custody Battle (#1.12)" (1985)
Gloria: Dorothy, why don't you ever come to California to visit me?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: It's not easy, you know... I have my job, I have responsibilities, I've never been invited...
Gloria: Well, I'm inviting you now. I have a huge house with servants and an ocean view. And Bert Convy shops in my grocery store.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Bert Convy? Let's leave now!

Gloria: Remember when we were little girls and you used to tell me bedtime stories?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh yeah, the vampire in the closet, the boogey man and the little girl, cannibal parents, I think between the ages of 5 and 7 you got about what, two hours of sleep?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [enters Sophia's bedroom] Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Having a toga party, what's it look like?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Gloria tells about how Sophia praised her all her life] How come Ma never told me about any of this?
Gloria: She did. Remember when Mom and Pop had to go out, who did they always leave in charge?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Me.
Gloria: And you know why?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, because Phil played with matches.
Gloria: No, Dorothy, because she trusted you.

Blanche Devereaux: [about her audition for MacBeth] I've got this part in the sack.
Rose Nylund: She means in the bag.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No Rose, I don't think so.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, aren't you forgetting something?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh no, I never wear underwear.

"The Golden Girls: Bang the Drum, Stanley (#4.5)" (1988)
Dorothy Zbornak: Hi, Ma. Whatcha doin'?
Sophia Petrillo: Just lookin' through the old photo album. Boy, you were a cute kid.
Dorothy Zbornak: Yeah, I was sorta cute. Oh, look, there I am at seven.
Sophia Petrillo: An angel.
Dorothy Zbornak: Here I am at eleven.
Sophia Petrillo: Adorable.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ahh, look, here I am at fifteen.
Sophia Petrillo: The beginning of the end.

Dorothy Zbornak: [Blanche and Rose are just coming home] How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.
Dorothy Zbornak: You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.
Stanley Zbornak: [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her] I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy Zbornak: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.
Stanley Zbornak: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia Petrillo: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.
Blanche Devereaux: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

Dorothy Zbornak: [at the baseball park] Y'know, this must be my lucky day. I usually end up sitting next to a fat, sweaty man who insists on taking his shirt off.
Dorothy Zbornak: [as she finishes speaking, a hefty man sits down next to her and takes off his shirt] What kept you?

Rose: [on learning Sophia was not badly injured when hit by a baseball] I knew she'd be OK. Something similar happened to me back in St Olaf: I was injured during a spirited game of Gowhackanoggin'.
Dorothy Zbornak: Should I? Oh, what the hell. Rose, what is Gowhackanoggin'?
Rose: It's a lot like baseball, except instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself on the head. After ten whacks, if you're still standing, you take first base. It's usually a very low-scoring game.

Stanley Zbornak: [after Sophia's injury, Stan cooks up an insurance scam] The doctor's coming.
Dorothy Zbornak: What doctor?
Stanley Zbornak: He's a friend of mine.
Dorothy Zbornak: We're going to the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: Dorothy, this guy is good. He's probably the most learned, respected, important neurologist in the state of Florida.
Blanche Devereaux: How'd you ever meet a man like that?
Stanley Zbornak: We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest.
Dorothy Zbornak: I'm calling the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: No, Dorothy, stop. Look, I - I really feel like this is all my fault. That's why I'm getting him. He's the best. And I'm gonna pay for it.
Rose: [astonished] You paying for something?
Stanley Zbornak: What are you saying, I'm cheap?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, *of course* she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!
Stanley Zbornak: [Sophia, buying into the scam, tells everyone a vision told her to trust Stan] Y'see, babe, it's all part of the Big Guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy Zbornak: Mr Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.

Dorothy Zbornak: I know Ma is faking. She is not really paralyzed.
Rose: It's only natural for you to feel that way. At the Counseling Center, we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Yes you are, you're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Look, fluff-head: Why should I deny being in denial, when I never said I was in denial. *You* are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

"The Golden Girls: A Midwinter Night's Dream (#7.19)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: Anything can happen on a leap year's full moon if you just believe.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [clapping] Oh I do believe, I do believe in sluts!

Sophia Petrillo: Leap year, full moon, the curse!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Come on Ma, it's the 90s. Call it what it is: our monthly visitor.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [hearing about their village witch] What "village"? I was born in Brooklyn.
Sophia Petrillo: Here's a newsflash, witches can fly.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You invited 15 men and no women.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy I know what you're thinking, but Rose and Sophia will be here, you'll have somebody to talk to.
Sophia Petrillo: No fair, I had to talk to her the last time.

Rose: Men would rather pay for cupcakes.
Dorothy: Now, listen here, you little Swedish meatball! I... wait. You're actually talking about cupcakes aren't you?
Rose: You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What were you talking about?
Dorothy: Nothing...
Rose: Wait a minute... Have you and Miles been... baking together?
Dorothy: No, of course not. I'd never do that to you.
Rose: Good.
[she picks up a coffee mug]
Rose: Because if I catch Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd...
[she angrily breaks it with her bare hand]

Blanche Devereaux: [angrily] Ooh I hate him, God do I hate him! Not only did he steal my necklace, but he betrayed my trust! Oh please, God, let him get caught, let him go to jail. Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.

"The Golden Girls: Mother Load (#7.6)" (1991)
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I'm making dinner. What would you like to eat?
Sophia: A nice, thick T-bone steak, corn on the cob, and pecan pie for dessert. Now ask me what I can chew!
Dorothy: I'll start soaking the corn flakes now.

Dorothy: Put the marriage back together? You told me we were coming here for closure!
Dr. Halperin: Stan, I'm confused. Is this true?
Stan Zbornak: Doc, we're both men. Let's not do this to each other.
Dr. Halperin: Stanley.
Stan Zbornak: Okay, okay. I lied, but so what? You never have?
Dorothy: Only once, Stanley. The night I told you it was good for me, too.
Dr. Halperin: [laughs] And you said she didn't have a sense of humor.

Dr. Halperin: Now, Stan, what you have to do is ask yourself, why would you want to be with a woman who so clearly doesn't want to be around you?
Dorothy: Well, I think I can answer that, Doctor. There's no other kind!

Rose Nylund: [her colleague, Jerry Kennedy, the local TV station's news anchor is coming to the house] Boy, the timing of Jerry's visit works out perfectly for me. See, his birthday is in two weeks and the office is giving him a surprise roast. So I have to come up with one or two things I can kid him about. I can get away with it, because he considers me a good friend.
Dorothy: Well, then, why not tease him about his taste in friends.

Millicent Kennedy: How do you do. I'm Millicent Kennedy, Gerald's mother... I'm looking for the cheap Jezebel that's ruining my Gerald's life.
Dorothy: Blanche, company!

Dorothy: [Blanche comes into the house moaning after a date] Why do I feel the need to bathe?
Rose Nylund: So, how was it, Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, you might as well ask me to describe the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.
Dorothy: [interpreting] They went to a sleazy motel.
Blanche Devereaux: Or the colors of the monarch butterfly, spreadin' its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon.
Dorothy: She got him to pay for half the room.
Blanche Devereaux: Or the sturdy cypress, reaching heavenward, tall and mighty and proud.
Dorothy: That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.

"The Golden Girls: Hey, Look Me Over (#7.1)" (1991)
[Rose is preparing to discard the pictures of Charlie in bed with Blanche]
Dorothy: Wait a minute, Rose. Have you seen the rest of these pictures?
Rose: I'd rather not.
Dorothy: Honey, I think there's some mistake. Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat! Here's Blanche in bed with a big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree! Honey do you know what this means?
Rose: I sure do!
[to Blanche]
Rose: My God, you're an animal!

Rose: Wait a minute, if you didn't sleep with any of the men in here, why does it say BED on it?
Blanche: Oh it doesn't say bed
Rose: Yes it does, right here.
Blanche: Oh that's just my initials, Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell B.E.D.?

[Dorothy is worried about Sophia's possible hearing loss]
Dorothy: Look Ma, I am concerned. You're my mother. Can't you just check it out, please?
Sophia Petrillo: Hee hee hee hee!
Dorothy: What are you laughing at?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm sorry. I thought you said "I'm Mothra, giant radioactive insect. Ree, ree, ree!"

Dorothy: Ma, you didn't hear that. Now face it, you can't hear high frequencies. Why can't you be honest about what's happening to you? Why do you insist on becoming feeble?
Sophia Petrillo: Feeble? Now you listen, Dorothy. I may not have your gift for word jumbles, or your ability to float, or your way of making small children weep...
Dorothy: ...But?
Sophia Petrillo: Or your butt, thank you.

Blanche: This will prove I am not a sexually indiscriminate person.
Dorothy: Or her name isn't B.E.D.

Rose: You expect me to believe that? Come on, Blanche, you've landed on your back more times than...
Dorothy: The American Gladiators.

"The Golden Girls: Clinton Avenue Memoirs (#5.16)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: Woe is me, woe, oh, woe is me.
Dorothy Zbornak: Problem, Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes. It's my hair. It has split ends, it's dull and listless, it makes my face look...
[she pauses to think]
Dorothy Zbornak: Its age?
Blanche Devereaux: If you're gonna make fun of somebody, make fun of Rose.
[Rose looks up from her work at the kitchen table with a "why me?, what did I do?" look]
Blanche Devereaux: I need the professional care of the most talented hairdresser in Miami, Robaire. Oh, he's brilliant. Do you know he was the first one ever to use mousse?
Rose Nylund: I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche. Mr Ingrid of St Olaf has been using moose ever since I can remember. Of course, it's his own professional secret which part of the moose he uses.

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, can you drive me to the mall Friday night? They're giving free blood pressure tests, and some of the girls and I have a high-low bet.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, honey, don't you remember? Friday night, we're planning on having dinner at Joe's Stone Crab.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh?
Dorothy Zbornak: Honey, it's your wedding anniversary.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, yeah, right. Sounds nice.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, you didn't forget, did you?
Sophia Petrillo: [insulted and defensive] Oh, forgive me, I forgot something. Maybe you should ship me back to Shady Pines. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the living room, being feeble. If I can *find* the living room!

Dorothy Zbornak: [joins Sophia, looking through the family photo album] Look, here we all are.
Sophia Petrillo: Your Sweet Sixteen party, right?
Dorothy Zbornak: Right. Oh, look at that beautiful chiffon dress.
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, your brother Phil always did like to make a splash.

Rose Nylund: Sophia, Dorothy, how'd it go at the doctor's?
Dorothy Zbornak: It was great! He said that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet, and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.
Sophia Petrillo: [not sharing Dorothy's optimism] Oh, lucky me. I can remember from now on. My whole past is gone. I could have slept with JFK, and don't even know it.
Dorothy Zbornak: [trying hard not to laugh] Ma, I don't think so. You're not mentioned in any of the books.
Blanche Devereaux: [in a low, sultry voice] Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, come on now. I mean, he also said that there are things that you can do that might bring back some of what you've lost. I mean, we could talk about the good old days, reminisce with old friends. Honey, you have to look on the bright side.
Sophia Petrillo: I've had a lifetime of bright sides. I'll just have to learn to do without them.
[she leaves]
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, dammit. I hate watching what this is doing to her.
Blanche Devereaux: I hate watching what it's doin' to you.
Rose Nylund: I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginning of video rentals.

Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia and Dorothy go back to Brooklyn] Isn't it good to be back in the old neighborhood, Dorothy? Watching the kids playing stickball on the corner...
Dorothy Zbornak: [as gently as she can] Ma, they were beating a man. That's sort of why I called the police.

"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy (#1.24)" (1986)
Cowboy #2: Howdy, ladies. My name's Rusty. I don't recollect seeing you two fillies 'round these parts. Mind if a lonesome cowboy puts his saddlebags 'round your campf...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Give us a break, would you mac!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Didn't you sleep well?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Rose kept me up, the storm scared her, she comes into my room at 2 in the morning begging, crying, just like your father before we got married.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What did you do?
Sophia Petrillo: I told him 'you're not getting anything till I see a ring on this finger, and a donkey in my father's barn'.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Not Pop, Rose.
Sophia Petrillo: I told her to get the hell out, she was annoying me.

Sophia Petrillo: [Rose is leaving for work] While you're out there, Rose, why don't you pull a few weeds out of the sidewalk?
Rose Nylund: Okey dokey.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you said you'd weed the sidewalk.
Sophia Petrillo: I said I'd get it done, it's getting done!

Leonard Barton: [Sophia put a curse on him with the evil eye] I went out to my garage this morning and found the air had been let out of my tires, I know she's responsible.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh come on, Mr. Barton, it was just a coincidence.
Sophia Petrillo: Coincidence my *eye*.

Leonard Barton: Where's the old witch?
Gladys Barton: Leonard, don't call her a witch, you'll get another boil on your butt.
Leonard Barton: Tell the world, Gladys!
[to Sophia]
Leonard Barton: I'm begging you, my clocks are all wrong, I can't find my golf clubs, I can't sleep, I can't eat!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Can't sit.
Gladys Barton: That too... please, take the curse off.
Sophia Petrillo: You'll move the tree?
Leonard Barton: It'll be out of here first thing in the morning.
Sophia Petrillo: Fine.
[feels her teeth]
Leonard Barton: Does that mean the curse is over?
Sophia Petrillo: That means I shouldn't eat asparagus at dinner.
[snaps her fingers]
Sophia Petrillo: That means the curse is over!

"The Golden Girls: Job Hunting (#1.22)" (1986)
Dorothy: So you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. All right, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. OK, so you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche.

Dorothy: Rose, get up, you have a phone call.
Rose Nylund: [half asleep] Is it time to milk the cows, Daddy?
Dorothy: No kitten, you have a phone call.
Rose Nylund: [takes out her earplugs] What?
Dorothy: YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL, it's your friend MILTON!
Rose Nylund: Oh my goodness, why's he calling so late?
Dorothy: Well you told him to call day or night!
Rose Nylund: That was just an expression, like laugh and the world laughs with you, well the whole world doesn't really laugh.

Dorothy: [about men] They're so much better at answering the phone in the middle of the night.
Blanche Devereaux: That's not all they're good at.
Sophia Petrillo: [from the far corner of the living room] And when they're really good, you don't even hear the phone.
Dorothy: [turns on the lights] Ma, what're you doing sitting here in the dark?
Sophia Petrillo: Why not? I've already seen the living room in the light.

Rose Nylund: [looking through the refrigerator] Oh, you'll never guess what I found!
Dorothy: Judge Crater.
Rose Nylund: Cheesecake!

Rose Nylund: [looking in the fridge] Ohhhhh you'll never guess what I found!
Dorothy: Jimmy Hoffa!
Rose Nylund: Pepperoni.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh oh.
Dorothy: Don't tell Ma.

"The Golden Girls: Yokel Hero (#4.4)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!
Blanche Devereaux: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I'm gonna have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Rose Nylund: If it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche Devereaux: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose Nylund: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche Devereaux: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... Oh god - it's making sense!

[On an airplane flying to Rose's hometown of St. Olaf]
Rose: God, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see... there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice...
Dorothy: Oh God, it's making SENSE!

[Sophia is standing in front of an open refrigerator with her robe open as Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose walk in]
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: [sarcastically] I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill.

Sophia: It's great bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

"The Golden Girls: Zborn Again (#6.7)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [admitting she had just "slept with" her ex-husband] Oh, I don't know, I don't know, he's just been so sweet lately, and we were at the beach in the same old car that we used to make out in, and it just got to me. It was exciting.
Blanche: Dammit, Dorothy, if you'd have sex in public more often this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Look, I'm mad enough at myself as it is. I mean, Stanley Zbornak made me weak in the knees. What, you think I'm proud of that?
Blanche: Who made the first move?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I guess I did. It was dark, and Stan stopped the car. I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake.
Rose: Well that's good: Safety First.

Rose: [to Blanche] What was the best sex you ever had?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, way to go, Rose. Look, Blanche, it's late, there's only one cheesecake left, so let's make menopause the cut-off point.
Blanche: Best sex. Oh, it's just so hard to rate these things. There's degree of difficulty, style points, choice of music, did they land on their feet during the dismount. Different people have different strengths, it's just impossible to tell. But, anything over a nine is excellent.
Rose: Over a nine?
Blanche: Points, Rose, points!

Sophia Petrillo: I worry about you. You're still my little girl, you know, no matter how big you get.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Thanks, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: By the way, how big are you gonna get?

Rose: [Complaining about a coworker] The truth is, she's a sweet girl, looking for a friend. And we do have a common bond. She used to be a newscaster. Now, she's just an assistant like me. So, there's this cognitive dissonance between her actual and her ideal self which causes her to be practically dysfunctional. Of course, I'm no psychologist.
Blanche: No, you're a nitwit. How come you know those words?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, c'mon, it's not nice calling her a nitwit. But, since the cat's outta the bag, how *do* you know those words?
Rose: I guess it's from reading the American Journal of Abnormal Psychology. It's published in St Olaf, you know. If fact, my uncle Gunther used to be the editor.
Sophia Petrillo: And what were you? The centerfold?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, I need to talk to you privately.
Blanche: Okay.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: There's this person... someone I've known for quite a while... and lately there seems to be this... attraction developing, uh... an attraction I've been trying to deny-
[Blanche abruptly stands up and steps away]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, what are you doing?
Blanche: [sighs heavily] It's a curse. My beauty's always been a curse. I'm sorry, Dorothy, but... like the fatal blossom of the graceful gimson weed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no suckle.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm talking about Stanley, you idiot!
Blanche: Get outta here! Stan has the hots for me?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: For *me*, not you, *fatal* blossom. For me.

"The Golden Girls: Love Me Tender (#4.14)" (1989)
[Spohia is unhappy that Dorothy's relationship with Eddie is purely a physical one]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look, Ma, I am a grown woman and I have needs.
Sophia Petrillo: Needs! You need food. You need air. You need a better wrinkle cream. You don't need sport nookie!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I *hate* blind dates. You know, Ma, I never would have agreed to this if it wasn't your best friend Edna's good-looking doctor nephew.
Sophia Petrillo: Awwww, he wasn't available any more. He decided to buy a woman from the Philippines. Actually, he bought two women. He wanted an extra for formal occasions.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Then who is this guy?
Sophia Petrillo: Well, to tell you the truth, I was on the bus...
Blanche Devereaux: Wait a minute. You set Dorothy up with some guy you met on a bus?
Sophia Petrillo: Please. It wasn't that glamorous. I saw a sign on the bus. It said, "Lonely? Can't make connections with that special person?" So, I took twenty dollars out of your purse, sent in a picture, they ran it through the computer, and Boom!, you got a social life.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, I cannot believe you sent my picture in to a total stranger?
Sophia Petrillo: I didn't send in your picture. I sent the picture that came with my wallet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, I am furious with you.
Sophia Petrillo: Think of how mad your date's gonna be when he finds out he's not goin' out with Janet Gaynor.

Blanche Devereaux: [Rose comes in carrying a large box] What's in the box, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Oh, brochures for the Be a Pal program. I'm mailing them out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, how does that work?
Rose Nylund: Well, you just put 'em in an envelope, and stick a stamp on 'em...

Eddie: [Dorothy's blind date finally arrives] Hi, I'm Eddie.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to the girls] It took a computer to come up with this?
Eddie: [Eddie explains that he's been in a long depression, and is still not completely recovered] After twenty-five years of marriage, my wife, Roberta sent me a Dear John letter.
Rose Nylund: That's terrible. Married twenty-five years and she doeesn't know your name is Eddie?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to explain why she is wildly attracted to plain-looking Eddie] Honey, there is more to Eddie than meets the eye. But the only thing we have in common is under the sheets.
Rose Nylund: What's under the sheets?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [barely believing Rose's naïveté] His cappuccino maker. Sex, Rose, I am talking sex. We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed, and it is *terrific*.
Rose Nylund: All that, and cappuccino, too?

"The Golden Girls: An Illegitimate Concern (#5.18)" (1990)
[Blanche is upset after discovering her late husband had cheated on her in 1967, fathering an illegitimate son]
Blanche Devereaux: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose Nylund: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.
Blanche Devereaux: What's the other theory?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Men are scum.

Sophia Petrillo: [patronizing] Pussycat, when's the last time I told you you were beautiful?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: June first, 1949.
[she waits for the reaction]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: At my wedding.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, well, that's because pregnant women have that special glow.

Blanche Devereaux: [a young man comes to the door asking for Blanche's husband] My husband passed away a few years ago.
David: Oh, I see.
Blanche Devereaux: What did you want George for?
David: I'm sellin' encyclopedias, and his name was at the top of my list of leads. I hope I haven't bothered you, and I'm truly sorry about your husband.
[he leaves]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, now that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?
Rose Nylund: And you know what else is so strange about it. He didn't bring them in.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, no encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door to door.
Rose Nylund: Are you kidding? In St Olaf, they carry 52.
Blanche Devereaux: Why?
Rose Nylund: Balance!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, why don't they just carry thirteen in each hand?
Rose Nylund: [pauses to think it over] Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I knew I never should have gotten involved in this mother-daughter pageant. I just wish I'd known how to say "No" to it.
Rose Nylund: I know what you mean. I should have said "No" to the Miss St Olaf beauty pageant. It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter, too.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Sophia and Dorothy come home after the Shady Pines mother-daughter beauty pageant] The big news is, we beat Gladys Goldfine, right, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: Ahh, it was a hollow victory. Time has taken its toll on Gladys. She's not the fierce competitor she once was.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Y'know, for the talent section, she was supposed to do a medley from The Fantasticks. She started with "Try to Remember" and... she couldn't.

"The Golden Girls: Triple Play (#5.15)" (1990)
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, do we know anybody named Cecelia?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Your cousin, Ma. She only has weeks to live.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh. Next time I'll accept the charges.

Blanche Devereaux: You can tell a lot about a man from the way he drives.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know, that's true. Sometimes, Stan couldn't even get the key in the ignition.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Miles and Rose are just returning from their date] How was your evening?
Miles: Oh, it was terrific, Dorothy. We saw a marvelous production of "The Glass Menagerie".
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, that is one of my favorite plays.
Rose Nylund: Frankly, I was a little disappointed.
Miles: Really?
Rose Nylund: Yeah, when you told me you were taking me to a revival of Tennessee Williams, I was expecting something more along the lines of a séance.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Morning, Ma. You sleep well?
Sophia Petrillo: Naw, I had that recurring nightmare, you know the one where I'm in bed with Warren Beatty, and he says, Sorry, this is too sick even for me.

Rose Nylund: You're not having company, are you, Blanche? Because I want everything to go smoothly for Miles and Caroline. It's a big step meeting a man's family.
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche's scheme is to meet men by telling them she's selling a Mercedes she doesn't have] Don't worry about it, honey, men'll be over, but they'll be in and out all day.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Don't say it, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: I have to, Dorothy. At my age, when you don't say it, it can back up on you and come out some other way.
Blanche Devereaux: [later] My first appointment's here, right on time. I've been out there watchin' him. He's been lookin' at the car and smilin'. I feel just like a fisherman with a new lure.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You catch 'em, you clean 'em.
Blanche Devereaux: [James is her first "customer" for the phantom Mercedes, as Blanche goes into action] You stay right there, and I'll get the keys.
James: How much mileage has she got on her?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Sophia looks to Dorothy for a comeback to this tempting line] Let's just say that she's been around the block.
James: [Blanche comes back with the keys, and they go outside] I can't believe anything that beautiful is so cheap.
Sophia Petrillo: [she covers Sophia's mouth, until Blanche and James are gone] I'm crampin' up!

"The Golden Girls: Second Motherhood (#1.19)" (1986)
Plumber: You really need an expert. I can take a toliet apart blindfolded!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now there's a dying art!

[Talking about Richard]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean you would feel the same way if he didn't have a dime to his name?
Blanche Devereaux: Of course... I would just have to other men behind his back.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, do you know what's behind that, uh, wall that you're banging on?
Rose Nylund: A lateral fusion pipe!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?
Rose Nylund: No.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: My head!

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, you're a genius!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, wait a min- now, what are you talking about?
Sophia Petrillo: I walk into the living room, and there's a toilet in front of the television set. It's an old lady's dream come true!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to lift the toilet up with Rose's help] Oh! Ooh! Wait, wait! No. Honey, she won't budge. Oh, Rose, I don't think we're going to be able to move it.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. Get me twenty-thousand Hebrews, and I'll have it out of here in no time.

"The Golden Girls: Bedtime Story (#2.17)" (1987)
[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through Bronchitis]
Sophia Petrillo: I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know becasues I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?
Rose Nylund: Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia Petrillo: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

[Dorothy, Blanche and Rose are stranded overnight at a railway station]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't believe this. I mean this has to be the most depressing day of my life. First Edna McCarthy's funeral now this.
Blanche Devereaux: Y' know, being at her funeral today made me start thinking about how quiclky life can pass you by. Maybe I oughta do something more adventurous in my life.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: More adventurous! The Kama Sutra had to publish a supplement because of you!
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not talking about men. I'm talking about things I've always wanted to do but never got around to trying. Dorothy, didn't you have something you wanted to do? Some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mm-hm. I awlays wanted to try a nudist camp.
Stationmaster: [overhearing] Some big pots belong on the back burner.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to stationmaster] Uh, don't you have a cousin you should be dating?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [as Rose is praying to God, Dorothy has had enough and lowers her voice before she speaks] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now SHUT UP and get into bed.
Rose Nylund: [wide eyed, thinking it's really the voice of God] Amen!

Rose Nylund: Why don't we wait outside on the platform? The train will be along in a few minutes.
Stationmaster: The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How could our train have left a half-hour early?
Stationmaster: Oh, all the trains out of Appalappichobee leave early. That's what our town's famous for! Now, y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our Trains Leave Early" right on the town seal!
Rose Nylund: You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!
Blanche Devereaux: This is like a Twilight Zone... somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, uh, when is the next train to Miami?
Stationmaster: Well, we've got one scheduled to leave at 6 AM tomorrow morning.
Rose Nylund: Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5:30?
Stationmaster: Welcome to Appalappichobee!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What track does the 9:15 to Miami leave on?
Stationmaster: Well, Ma'am, we've only got one track, but we call it Track 19. Nobody knows why, but it sure gives everybody something to talk about while they're waiting on the next tornado to hit the mobile home!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Thank you very much... oh, and please say hello to Opie and Aunt Bee for me when you see them.

"The Golden Girls: It's a Miserable Life (#2.4)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Mrs Claxton, how lovely it is to see you again.
Frieda Claxton: Who are you?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm your neighbour, Blanche Deveraux.
Frieda Claxton: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Blanche Devereaux: I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton: With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche Devereaux: You miserable old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [interrupting] Let's try and get along. Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, you miserable old...
Rose Nylund: [interrupting] Dorothy!

Freida Claxton: [to Blanche] Oh yes, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
Blanche: I beg your pardon?
Freida Claxton: With my binoculars I can see right into your room. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal, I'm looking into it.
Blanche: Why you...
Dorothy: [Dorothy grabs her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton] Now Blanche. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Freida Claxton: Oh yeah. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy: Why you...
[Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]

Sophia: When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely, you're planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia: [mocking Pfeiffer's name which has a non-silent P] Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your pface?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look, Mr. P-feiffer, about the pfuner... about the funeral arrangements...

"The Golden Girls: Older and Wiser (#6.18)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [as Sophia is starting a new job] Ma, I think this'll be good for you. Mr Porter seems like a nice man. I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun there.
Sophia Petrillo: And don't forget the money. I haven't had a paycheck since 1942. And then I blew it all on war bonds.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well at least you got it back.
Sophia Petrillo: No, Italian war bonds. I fell for their slick advertising campaign: Buy Italian war bonds. The quickest, surest, Fascist way to double your money. Well, let's go.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you want to make a good impression? Matching shoes.
Sophia Petrillo: They should match my purse?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, they should match each other.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You've never told a lie?
Rose Nylund: That's right, I've never told a lie. Well, just once when I snuck out of class to go to the movies.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That's not much of a lie.
Rose Nylund: That's what I thought. Turned out to be the day they taught everything.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The final piece of the puzzle.
Rose Nylund: [later] I'm beginning to think Blanche is hung up on her looks.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Boy, you don't need lightning to strike you.
Rose Nylund: No, thanks. Not again. Once was enough.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: An extra piece of the puzzle.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [stopping short in shocked consternation upon seeing the crowd of elderly residents grouped in a big circle and haphazardly trying to dance the Hokey Pokey] Oh, my Gawwwd - - they got into the medication!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after hearing Blanche excitedly relate about her having helped out around the house while "Big Daddy" was on probation] And the point of this - - sordid Song Of The South?

Sophia Petrillo: [in response to one of the other elderly residents' telling her how good it is to have her back again] Well, it's good to BE back. They may not have wanted an activities director here, but they've GOT one! So come on - - let's get **active**.
[clicks on a portable boombox with a tape of dance-music, then turns amicably to an elderly Black gentleman in a wheelchair who's sitting a few feet away]
Sophia Petrillo: Mr. Lewis, would you like to dance?
[He shrugs agreeably, so Sophia puts a hand on his shoulder and grips the wheelchair's arm in her other hand, then slowly waltzes them around in a small area, while the man just sits still and blithely goes along for the ride]
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, I can see that you've had LESSONS.
Mr. Porter: [hearing the commotion of the impromptu elders' party and hurriedly showing up in the room with a shocked disgusted expression] Oh, for cryin' out loud - - what's in tarnation's going on here?
Sophia Petrillo: [in an innocent but determined tone] Seniors' dance night, Mr. Porter... care to join us?
Mr. Porter: [giving a unimpressed impatient wincing wheeze and waving his arm to halt the festivities] Okay, come on - - party's over. Everybody back to bed!
Mr. Lewis: [in a pleased, slightly dreamy tone] I danced tonight - - first time in 27 years!
Sophia Petrillo: [staring at Mr. Lewis with a slightly startled expression] Why, Mr. Lewis - - you can SPEAK! How come you've never spoken before?
Mr. Lewis: [grinning broadly] Nobody was LISTENING - - not until YOU got here.
Mr. Porter: [sulkily] I'VE been here - - you could have spoken to ME.
Mr. Lewis: [twisting his mouth in disgusted revulsion] Well, ah dohn LIKE **you**...!
Sophia Petrillo: Don't you SEE, Mr. Porter? You're not LISTENING to these people - - I mean, you ignore their thoughts and feelings, and you make them feel old.
[turning to address Dorothy, who has been standing by during this conversation]
Sophia Petrillo: And Pussycat, you make me feel old, too - - you treat me like I'm not capable of making my own choices.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [gently but fervently] Well, Ma - - I did it because I CARE about you! I was afraid of losing you if I didn't look after your well-being.
Sophia Petrillo: [understandingly but a little pointedly] I know that. But Pussycat, give me air. I know that you love me, but perhaps we can **both** start making decisions about me - - **together**.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [putting her arm around Sophia and hugging her close] We will, Ma.

"The Golden Girls: 72 Hours (#5.19)" (1990)
Sophia: [discussing the "birds and bees" talk] Thank God I was one of those progressive parents.
Dorothy: Yes, and I was amazed with your scientific explanation. You told me never to let a boy touch me "you know where." And you spelled "where."

Blanche: [wants to be part of Dorothy's Save the Wetlands campaign] I know I'm not always the first one to volunteer, but I happen to have an affection for bayous. Matter of fact, I became a woman in one.
Sophia: I thought you lost it in a hot-air balloon.
Dorothy: I thought you lost it at a pancake breakfast.
Blanche: Well, those don't count. I mean, they did at the time, but this is the definitive 'where I lost my virginity' story.
Sophia: It's really nice of you to share something so personal with us, Blanche. In a bayou! You slut.

Dorothy: [Dorothy is frustrated because no-one seems to take seriously her Save the Wetlands campaign] Do you know what would happen if there were no swamps?
Sophia: New Jersey wouldn't have a 'state smell'.

Blanche: [Rose is suddenly concerned about a letter she has received] What is it, Rose. Is somethin' wrong?
Rose: I'm not sure. St Luke's Hospital wants me to come in for some kind of test. That's where I had by gallbladder out six years ago.
Dorothy: Can I see it, Rose?
Rose: They throw organs out after surgery.
Dorothy: The letter, Rose.
Rose: Oh.

Blanche: [brainstorming ideas for Dorothy's Save the Wetlands campaign] How 'bout a celebrity auction.
Sophia: Hey, if you could buy a celebrity at an auction, I'd be showering every morning with Trini Lopez.
Dorothy: Ma, I didn't know you liked Trini Lopez.
Sophia: I don't, but who can I afford on a fixed income!

"The Golden Girls: The Pope's Ring (#7.12)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: [about Rose's birthday gift] I can't take it back. I paid in advance.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Can't you get a refund?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, no. I paid with nature's credit card.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You never leave home without it

Blanche Devereaux: You hate me, 'cause I'm beautiful, don't you?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: There's a man leaving in 10 minutes. Be under him.

Sophia Petrillo: [Miles is storming out and Rose is behind him] Miles... Rose!
Rose Nylund: Not now, Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy comes out of the kitchen] Dorothy, I can't breathe!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Not now, Ma.
[looks at her]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Alright, but this better be good.
Sophia Petrillo: That depends, how good would you consider, the Pope's ring?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [feels the Pope's ring] Hey, this is real!
Sophia Petrillo: Of course it's real, you think he wears his fakes out in public like Zsa Zsa does?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you STOLE the Pope's ring?
Sophia Petrillo: It slipped off his finger, for God's representative on Earth, he sure has sweaty palms.

"The Golden Girls: Snap Out of It (#6.4)" (1990)
Blanche: The sixties were an emotional time for all of us. I can still see Big Daddy sittin' on the porch swing, swirling down home brew, picking off peaceniks with his BB gun. Oh God, I miss that man.
Dorothy: Come on honey. I'm sure Grand Dragon, I mean uhh... Big Daddy is always with you.

Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy is helping Sophia deliver meals to the homebound] This is Mrs Taylor. You'll get along with her just fine. Two things: one, compliment her cat, and two, Jews control the planet.
Dorothy: Got it.
Sophia Petrillo: [the door opens and Sophia goes in] Oh, Hi, Fluffy. Looking good!... No, Mrs Taylor, it's Flint-STONE, not Flint-STEIN.

Dorothy: [after meeting Jimmy, who hasn't been out of his apartment in 22 years] How pathetic a person could live their life totally alone, devoid of companionship or love. I wish I could do something.
Sophia Petrillo: Start a club!

Rose Nylund: Don't worry, Dorothy, maybe Jimmy'll come around.
Dorothy: Oh, I wish I could believe you, but Rose, I have been there. I mean, after awhile you feel like you're just in this gigantic black hole.
Rose Nylund: We had a gigantic black hole back in St Olaf.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, God!
Rose Nylund: On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse, where Charlie and I got our marriage license, and our permit to have kids. Oh, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around and look in it...
Dorothy: [mocking] And they say Hollywood is the entertainment capitol of the world.
Rose Nylund: Well, we didn't just look in it. Sometimes we'd point, too. Or spit, and time it! Then there was always that wise guy, who'd have a couple of drinks and unzip himself...

Rose Nylund: [planning a surprise] I have to figure out which of the traditional St Olaf party games to play at Blanche's party.
Blanche: [suddenly walks into the kitchen] Party? Is that why you've been sneakin' around tryin' to find out my age? A party? I forbid it!
Rose Nylund: Blanche, a party is a celebration of life, and it's not just for you, but for your friends who love you.
Blanche: [unyielding] No!
Rose Nylund: Stop being so vain. You can't stay 42 forever.
Blanche: Yes you can! If you eat right, exercise regularly, and live with women who look at lot older than you.
[she leaves in a huff]
Dorothy: Tell me, Rose, is 'Kill the Bitch' a traditional St Olaf party game?

"The Golden Girls: 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas (#2.11)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche! How exciting!
Blanche Devereaux: Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation, when my best friend, Lisa Jane Biedler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No, this was Richard Jay Wilde. And believe me, his name said it all! Huh-huh-huh! We must've pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Ha-hah!
Rose Nylund: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Blanche Devereaux: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous he made Richard Jay Wilde look like a pre-pubescent choirboy.
Rose Nylund: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No-no, no. Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled. And the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "Hm-hm... May I cut in?" Well when I turned, I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Albert: George.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh, no. No. Thomas Pennville. Uh-huh. Well, after Thomas and I left...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looking through Blanche's boudier calendar] Whoa!
Blanche Devereaux: September?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yep!
Sophia Petrillo: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.

Rose Nylund: We could have an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, I am not going to drink eggnog while wearing a metal brassiere.
Rose Nylund: We don't do that at Christmas, Dorothy, we do that at Easter.

Rose Nylund: Sophia, look out, he has a gun!
Sophia Petrillo: [steals the gun from Santa] This is a toy!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I don't believe it!
Sophia Petrillo: Neither do I, you call yourself an Italian and you can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Where is the Christmas spirit?
Sophia Petrillo: Neiman Marcus, third floor, ladies apparel.

"The Golden Girls: The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo (#4.2)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: He had these long, floppy ears. Kind of like a basset hound. When he came to pick me up for our blind date, I couldn't believe it. He jumped out of the car, and ran up the walk, and bounded up on to the front porch, and I remember thinking, "He's gonna trip on those ears." But he didn't. So there he stood before me introducing himself, and I don't know, I was still so stunned, I just kind of half-muttered a "Howdy-do" and he said, "I beg your pardon? I didn't hear you." Well, I don't know what came over me, but I just blurted out, "Didn't hear me? I think you could pick up Radio Free Europe with those ears!" And you know what he did? He laughed. Well, right then and there I started growing very fond of Mr. Preston Bougainvillea, and over the next several months we saw quite a lot of each other.
Rose Nylund: Oh, that's really very sweet, Blanche.
Blanche Devereaux: I know... By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other... bodily organs?
Rose Nylund: ...What do you mean?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The most amazing thing about Grandma was that, in 1952, she decided to go into politics.
Rose Nylund: Politics?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Uh huh, she felt it was her personal responsibility to elect Adlai Stevenson president.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, she didn't care for Eisenhower because, you know, he claimed to have liberated Italy, and she said Italy was liberated enough. Already too many people eating meat on Friday
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: ... and wearing condoms on Saturday.
Rose Nylund: Whatever happened to her?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sarcastically] She colonized life on Venus. Rose, she was 94 when I was 6. She died, you idiot!
Rose Nylund: How did she die?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You know, we're not sure. One night, she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day, the neighborhood kids had a go cart with two *really big* back wheels.

Rose Nylund: I'm so depressed. We didn't accomplish a single thing today.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Sure we did, we found out that in a pinch, fruit cocktail is not bad on a bagel.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: So Ma, what did you do today?
Sophia Petrillo: The same thing I do every day, I bought a nectarine.

Rose Nylund: Don't you just love waking up with rain tapping on your bedroom window?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, absolutely. I always throw open the window, uncork a bottle of cold duck, and slip into my Frederick's of Hollywood ostrich-feather nightie.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Just because of rain tapping at your window?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, I thought she said *Wayne*.

"The Golden Girls: Even Grandmas Get the Blues (#6.20)" (1991)
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [laughs nervously] That's a very personal question!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That long, huh?

Sophia Petrillo: When was the last time you had sex?
Rose Nylund: A... couple weeks ago.
Sophia Petrillo: Let's not split hairs, Rose, you're the queen of the festival.
Rose Nylund: I'm... I'm the queen?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're also the fool so we're saving a lot on payroll.

Blanche Devereaux: [in a dress with a low cut blouse] Do I look convincing?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: As what, ye olde town slut?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you lied to me.
Sophia Petrillo: Tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny - I've been messing with your head for almost sixty years.

Sophia Petrillo: Hi, pussycat, how was school?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, I hate those smart kids. They may be our brightest but they're also our rudest, considering most of them are guests in our country. No, give me a class of red-blooded underachievers.
Sophia Petrillo: Pussycat, when you were in Junior High school and the kids gave you a hard time, what did I say?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Awww, you told me I was extra-special and they were just jealous.
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. And if they still gave you a hard time, what did I tell you to say?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call. But Ma, this is different. You know, I've always wanted to teach an honors class, but now that I am, well, the kids are making me feel stupid.
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, I'm gonna tell you something I never told you before. When you were about twelve and we lived in Brooklyn, they called me into the school to tell me you had the highest IQ in the borough.
Rose Nylund: That's a coincidence. I was told I had the IQ *of* a burro.

"The Golden Girls: In a Bed of Rose's (#1.15)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I'm the kiss of death. It's the second time a man has died in my bed.
Blanche Devereaux: The second time?
Rose Nylund: Dorothy knows.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Charlie.
Blanche Devereaux: No! What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Nothing!
Blanche Devereaux: Well maybe that's the problem, they have to do all the work.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Sophia tells them that Arnie is dead] Ma, he is not, Rose, you go look.
Rose Nylund: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping, I don't want to wake him.
Sophia Petrillo: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Blanche Devereaux: [has Dorothy try a new recipe] It's called creamy zesty Italian, only has one calorie, what do you think?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If you ran it under the faucet it would have more flavor.
Blanche Devereaux: Shoot.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Honey, beware anybody who says 'no calories', 'absolutely no charge', and 'let's just go lie down in bed and watch TV'.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, are you sure you'll be alright here alone?
Sophia Petrillo: She'll be fine, if anybody breaks in she'll just have to sleep with them.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Blanche and Dorothy are playing cards, Sophia keeps shaking her head for Blanche's plays] Stop telling her what to play.
Sophia Petrillo: I haven't said anything, have I Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Not a word.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You keep shaking your head!
Sophia Petrillo: I've been holding it up for 80 years, you'd shake too!

"The Golden Girls: Yes, We Have No Havanas (#4.1)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [to Sophia] Well, you're awfully cranky today.
Sophia Petrillo: Well, forgive me. My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven't showered with a man in twenty-two years!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to be kind] Ma, pop's been dead twenty-seven years.
Sophia Petrillo: What's your point?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [shocked] What are you saying?
Rose Nylund: Isn't it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five years.

Woman: [at Fidel Santiago's funeral, everyone there is a woman in black] I'm leaving! I'm not about to mourn a man that was with every woman in this room.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: He was never with me!
Woman: I guess even he had his standards.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Doing a Register] ... Jim Shu?... Jim Shu? Oh I get it Gym Shoe - very funny!
Jim Shu: [an oriental man] I'm Jim Shu.

Blanche: Is this dress me?
Sophia Petrillo: It's too tight, it's too short, it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yes Blanche, it's you.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [taking roll in the night class she's teaching, Dorothy discovers that Rose is on the list] Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I have a confession to make. I slipped through the cracks of the St Olaf school system.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [mocking] That's very hard to believe. I've seen you almost complete a TV Guide crossword puzzle.
Rose Nylund: It's true. You're looking at a woman without a sheepskin.
Jim Shu: [the Asian man sitting behind Rose overhears] I've got an extra in my wallet I could give you.
Rose Nylund: [shyly] No thanks, I'd rather earn it.
Jim Shu: Meet you at Benihana after class?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose... Rose, you never graduated from High School?
Rose Nylund: Not officially. Three weeks before graduation, I was asked to be in the kissing booth at the Founders Day fair. Unfortunately, the first boy I kissed had a nasty case of mono. That afternoon, I passed it along to fifty young men... and one very confused female P.E. teacher who smelled of Old Spice. I slept day and night for the next six months, and when I finally woke up, I had missed my graduation and the integration of major league baseball.

"The Golden Girls: Sister of the Bride (#6.14)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: Oh!... Well, what's a policeman doing bringing fares from the airport? I know! I bet you do undercover work!
Sophia Petrillo: And I'll bet he does it damn well.
Dorothy: Heh, heh, heh. You'll have to excuse my mother. She, uh, survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Clayton Hollingsworth: [talking about a commitment ceremony with his boyfriend] I'd do anything for Doug, and he'd bend over backwards for me.
Dorothy: [Dorothy covers Sofia's mouth and pulls her close to her] Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy!

Blanche Devereaux: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche Devereaux: There must be homosexuals who date women?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Blanche Devereaux: Girls, I just got a letter from my brother, Clayton. He says he's comin' for a visit next week, and he has a big surprise.
Dorothy: Oh, that's wonderful.
Blanche Devereaux: I bet I know what the surprise is, too. Clayton's met himself a girl, and he wants me to meet her.
Dorothy: Honey, your brother is gay.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, I think that gay thing was just a phase he was goin' through. You know, like, when Clay was in High School, all he ever wanted to do was go see gladiator movies. It's the same kind of thing.
Dorothy: Almost exactly.

Dorothy: Rose, honey, congratulations. I hear you've been nominated again for the volunteer of the year award.
Rose Nylund: Yup. Seven years I've been nominated for the Volunteer Vanguard award, and seven years I've had to watch Agnes Bradshaw snatch it away from me. Well, she's not gonna do that this year. This year, I'm finally gonna beat her. I'm gonna *win*.
Dorothy: Why, beacause you worked harder than Agnes?
Rose Nylund: Because she's dead. Yup, as a doornail. Dead, dead, dead. Coffee?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, how can you be so cheery? It's a terrible thing.
Rose Nylund: Come on, she was eighty-nine, and she died in her sleep.
Blanche Devereaux: She *fell* asleep drivin' the bookmobile!

"The Golden Girls: Once in St. Olaf (#6.2)" (1990)
[Sophia's lost in the hospital]
Blanche: Did you find her yet?
Dorothy: Yes Blanche, about a half hour ago. But now I hidden her again so you can find her.

Rose Nylund: You're not going to believe what happened, I met my father, my natural father!
Dorothy: He's alive?
Blanche: He's in Miami?
Sophia Petrillo: He's an earthling?

Sophia Petrillo: This is really a hospital, I can't believe it.
Dorothy: Ma you have a hernia, where did you think I was taking you, Trampoline Village?
Sophia Petrillo: I told you, I thought you were taking me back to Shady Pines.
Dorothy: Ma, why would I take you to Shady Pines when you have a hernia?
Sophia Petrillo: You took me there after I had a stroke!

Dorothy: We're looking for my mother.
Rose Nylund: Maybe she's lost.
Brother Martin: Congratulations, Rose, you finally got one.

"The Golden Girls: Till Death Do We Volley (#4.19)" (1989)
Jack McMann: [after revealing Jack and Dorothy in bed was a prank] Jack, I can't believe you went along with this!
Jack McMann: So I got in bed with Dorothy, it was a joke.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't even think it, Ma!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [reminiscing] All of us on the tennis team decided that we would wear our tennis whites to the prom. Well, I showed up and... I was the only one.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, your date must have been horrified.
Sophia Petrillo: No, her brother was a really good sport about it.

Trudy McMann: [reminiscing about their long history of playing practical jokes on each other, conversation turns to Dorothy's loss to Trudy for class treasurer in High School] I admired you after that loss, Dorothy. You just picked up the pieces and went on, just like you did after Stanley ran off with that stewardess. Boy, I envy you your gumption.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And I your breast implants.
Blanche Devereaux: This may not be my place, but you two hardly sound like old friends.
Trudy McMann: Blanche is right. We should be more positive. Dorothy, you look wonderful.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Awww. The left one turned out nice.
Rose Nylund: [scolding] Dorothy...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Rose, I'm just kidding. They're both practically the same size. How 'bout giving me a hand in the kitchen.
Jack McMann: Were they like that in High School, Mrs Petrillo?
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, no, her breasts were actually a lot smaller back then.

Blanche Devereaux: [the girls are trying to console Dorothy who feels responsible for Trudy's death while they were playing tennis] I remember, I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
Blanche Devereaux: [dripping with righteous indignation] Well pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn!

"The Golden Girls: Beauty and the Beast (#7.3)" (1991)
Blanche: Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.
Rose: You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from "Peter Pan."
Dorothy: What the hell goes on in this house at night?

Sophia Petrillo: Well, now that I'm up, I might as well do some shopping.
Dorothy: Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!

Sophia Petrillo: [to Dorothy] Thank you, Pussycat.
Nurse DeFarge: Oh, you're Pussycat, too?
Dorothy: *I* am Pussycat One. *YOU* are Pussycat Two!

Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy sees Sophia dancing after she's been faking an injury] I wuv you!
Dorothy: Too wittle, too wate!

"The Golden Girls: One for the Money (#3.2)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: [Doorbell rings] Who on earth could that be at three o'clock at the morning?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Blanche and Dorothy walking into the kitchen, Dorothy carrying a large pizza box] Hi Rose.
Blanche Devereaux: We brought dinner.
Rose Nylund: What'd ya get?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still holding pizza box] A bucket of chicken.
[Thunderous laughter from the audience]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I hope you like it extra flat and crispy?
Blanche Devereaux: It's a pizza Rose.
Rose Nylund: I knew that, I meant what kind is it?
Blanche Devereaux: Did you *really* know that?
Rose Nylund: [sarcasticly] No, but I thought I could cover.

Rose: When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.
Dorothy: How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part?

[at a dance contest]
Rose: [to her dance partner] You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf to kick off Pretzel Week. My Uncle Gunther, after the Great Beernut Shortage of '29-...
Dorothy: Foul! Foul! Send a judge over here!
[pointing at Rose]
Dorothy: This woman is trying to put us to sleep!

"The Golden Girls: Where's Charlie? (#7.5)" (1991)
[Blanche's coaching a baseball player by making him wear panties and he shows up in a blue dress]
Dorothy: He comes out Stevie, now he comes in Edie!

Sophia Petrillo: If you could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie, I almost wet myself!
Dorothy: Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey!

Dorothy: Look, you are going to tell Rose the truth.
Sophia Petrillo: Or?
Dorothy: Remember Shady Pines?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, it wasn't so bad.
Dorothy: I heard they sold it to some Germans.
Sophia Petrillo: [gets us suddenly] Rose, I need to talk to you...

Dorothy: Rose, I think Ma has something she'd like to tell you.
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, how come your hair never moves when you do?
Dorothy: That's a question, granted a good one, but we're looking for a statement.

"The Golden Girls: Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket? (#4.8)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Who's the letter from, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: Joanne Pescatori! She's coming to Miami for a visit!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Joanne Pescatori, didn't she own that little candy store down the street from us in Brooklyn?
Sophia Petrillo: That was Jeanette Pasadano.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh. Then who was Joanne Pescatori?
Sophia Petrillo: How the hell should I know? This letter's for Rose.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, why are you reading Rose's mail?
Sophia Petrillo: Because all you got were bills... Listen to this part at the end, tell me if you think Joanne's a lesbian.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
[Snatches the letter from Sophia]

Rose Nylund: [about Blanche's jacket] It looks like you got a jacket somebody else returned. It's kind of beat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, that's the style, it's an aviator's jacket.
Blanche Devereaux: And now all I need is some accessories for it.
Rose Nylund: Like a handbag?
Blanche Devereaux: Like an aviator.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What did you do with it?
Sophia Petrillo: [grabs a vase with flowers] Stand back, I'm not afraid to use this.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Spill it, Ma.
[Sophia dumps the water out of the vase]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What you did with the jacket, Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: I'm scared, I'll do anything you say.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [scratching off their tickets] What if you get three palm trees?
Sophia Petrillo: You don't have three palm trees, that means you win $10,000.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, I know what three palm trees looks like.
Sophia Petrillo: You also know what a handsome doctor looks like, doesn't mean you have one.

"The Golden Girls: All That Jazz (#5.10)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche Devereaux: So you told her?
Rose Nylund: No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose Nylund: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about... what a man would look like?
Rose Nylund: It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?... Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Rose is upset about work and Dorothy is upset after falling out with Michael] Now look - Rose, stop whining! You know that you're going to have to speak to your boss about your workload. Wallowing in self pity is not going to help!
Blanche Devereaux: [walking in] How are you feeling, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: My life is falling apart and now Rose is bothering me!

Blanche Devereaux: [about Michael] You just did what you had to!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy - wondering where he is - I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know - or in some flophouse or out on the street!
Sophia Petrillo: [walking in] Michael called - he's staying with Stan.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stanley, why are you here?
Stan Zbornak: Michael and I made plans to see each other tonight, y'know, a real father-son evening where we can rap, and share our feelings, and create good vibes.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [mocking] I can dig it. Where are you taking him?
Stan Zbornak: The Hacienda Hut. Thought I'd show the kid the town, give him some quality time. Maybe it'll make up for never teaching him how to ride a bicycle.
Blanche Devereaux: Stanley, how come I've never seen you at the Hacienda Hut?
Stan Zbornak: I never have to stay long. I'm a chick magnet. That's why they call me Mr Lucky.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean for thirty-eight years I was Mrs Lucky, and never knew it? Uh, what about the, uh, present Mrs Lucky. Does she know what a maggot you are?
Stan Zbornak: Magnet, Dorothy. *Magnet.*

"The Golden Girls: Rose the Prude (#1.3)" (1985)
[Rose is worried about going on a cruise with a man she likes. She worries that she will have to do "it."]
Rose: I haven't slept with another man since Charlie died.
Blanche: Oh, get outta here!
Dorothy: Shut up, Blanche. Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port!

Rose: I fell discouraged.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.

Blanche: Most of the guys I dated in college were for the stories.
Dorothy: You must have more stories than O. Henry.

Rose: I feel depressed.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of coke.

"The Golden Girls: That Old Feeling (#5.8)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you're not allowed to drive.
Sophia Petrillo: Why not?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Because you drive like Mr. Magoo!

Blanche: [after a long talk about her late husband George, with his brother Jamie over dinner] It made me realize why, from the time I laid eyes on him 'til the day he died, there was never, never another man in my life.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, you? You were never tempted.
Blanche: Never.
Sophia Petrillo: Didn't you have your milk delivered?

Rose Nylund: [the girls are discussing Blanche's notion of marrying her late husband's brother, Jamie] I remember back in St Olaf, when Inge Engstrand married her late husband's brother, Lars, and the whole town was shocked. 'Course, that could have been because at the time Inge was on trial for her late husband's dismemberment.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It was probably a factor.
Rose Nylund: The trial went on for months. Attorneys' fees cost her an arm and a leg.
Sophia Petrillo: [impatiently] Rose, get to the part where they steal the brain out of the dead body and sew it into your head.
Rose Nylund: So anyway, she got a suspended sentence.
Sophia Petrillo: [incredulous] They let her go?
Rose Nylund: No, they hanged her.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You'll have to excuse Rose. Every time a man speaks southern to her she goes all... stupid.

"The Golden Girls: The Monkey Show (#7.8)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Filling sandbags, Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-comin'.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: A-comin'?
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. People only use the "a-" when a really big storm is a-comin' or a-brewin',
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.
Sophia Petrillo: Ida Perlberg down at the Senior Center woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes.
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, when you get around my age, two things happen: one, you get more intuitive about the weather; and two, corn becomes your enemy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-comin...
Sophia Petrillo: Don't patronize me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm not patronizing you, I'm a-mockin' you.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.
Blanche Devereaux: You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why aren't you arrested more?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: In every relationship, there are always times when you don't want to be with each other. I mean, Stan and I went through a period when we had no marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.
Rose Nylund: You mean it grows back?

Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy has just returned from her last therapy session with former husband Stan] Oh, you're back from your session early. Was it as cathartic as you thought?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, I don't know if "cathartic" is the word.
Rose Nylund: You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am. Like, "Was it cathartic? Oh, I've had a catharticism. 'Course, I'm not the type to kiss and catharterize."

"The Golden Girls: Family Affair (#2.7)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, what do you call a girl who's slept with a man she's known for less than one day?
Blanche Devereaux: A damn good sport?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I call her a tramp.

Blanche Devereaux: I don't think I can stand it much longer. My body feels like a Corvet up on rocks with its engine racin', the wheels just spinnin' and spinnin' with nowhere to go. I feel like I'm gonna explode! Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my arm!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How did this happen?
Michael Zbornak: I didn't plan it, it just kind of happened.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Just kind of happened? Michael, DANDRUFF just kinds of happens, and if you don't know the difference, then I failed as a mother.
Michael Zbornak: Would you stop beating yourself up? This isn't your fault.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes it is, where did I go wrong with you?
Michael Zbornak: You did a great job with me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If I did a great job with you, you would be graduating medical school right now, not playing doctor with my best friend's daughter!

Rose Nylund: [after catching their kids in bed] I can't believe it, you know how it is when you just can't believe something?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes, I can't believe Alan Thicke has his own TV series, it doesn't mean it's not true.

"The Golden Girls: Break In (#1.8)" (1985)
Blanche: [Enters covered in flour] They got my jewels.
Dorothy: But I see they didn't get your cocaine.
Rose: Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?
Blanche: This is flour! I hid my jewels in the flour!

Rose: They were probably looking for drugs.
Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

Dorothy: [Trying to calm Rose] Honey, we were robbed. It's scary but it happens. And now it's over, and the robbers are gone.
Rose: [Revealing mental trauma] I know. I know that! I know it's over. I know they're gone, but not for me! For me, in my mind, they'll always be here!

Dorothy: Rose, this has gone too far, you need to see someone.
Blanche: Dorothy, I don't think a date will help her.
Dorothy: Not a date, a psychiatrist, hotpants!

"The Golden Girls: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die (#6.10)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Sophia Petrillo: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Sophia Petrillo: [talking about her new boyfriend, Tony Delveccio] I fantasize about him all day. Last night I dreamed I was Joan of Arc, and he was comin' at me with a hose.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [embarrassed to hear her mother discussing her love life] Ma, maybe it was just a religious experience dream.
Blanche Devereaux: Did he put out the fire?
Sophia Petrillo: Three times.
Blanche Devereaux: [in awe] Wow. The seldom-achieved Joan of Arc fantasy triple! Sophia, I hate you!

Blanche Devereaux: [to Rose] If you hold Miles at bay, amazing things will start to happen. Oh, he'll become more attentive, he'll send you flowers. He'll be a prisoner of love, and you'll be the warden. And if you're interested, I have costumes for both of you to rent.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche! First you tell my mother to sleep with a stranger, now this. I mean, what makes you think you know everything about the opposite sex?
Blanche Devereaux: Let the record speak for itself. I have had one hundred and forty-three relationships.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And no convictions!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Look me in the eye. Did you sleep with Tony Delveccio?
Sophia Petrillo: A little.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Blanche made me do it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [incensed] What, don't you have a mind of your own? If Gladys Goldfine told you to drink a whole bottle of Kaopectate, would you?
Sophia Petrillo: Who blabbed?

"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's New Friend (#3.15)" (1988)
Dorothy: Blanche, I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.
Blanche: No, that's fine, but I should point out that it was designed for a dainty neck.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.

Blanche: Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Barbara Thorndyke: Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay"
[to Dorothy]
Barbara Thorndyke: I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Blanche: Well, I should hope so!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Barbara Thorndyke: [to Dorothy] It's alright
[patronisingly to Blanche]
Barbara Thorndyke: Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Blanche: Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves. Little waves. Dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
Barbara Thorndyke: Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
Blanche: I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Rose Nylund: Blanche, what's a metaphor?
Blanche: It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty". They're not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

[Dorothy has announced to the girls that local author Barbara Thorndyke will be their guest that evening]
Rose Nylund: Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow! I've never met a real author before.
Blanche: I have. I once stood in line at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
Dorothy: You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time it's usually Faulkner, Fritgerald and...
Blanche: And Schwarzenegger. Yeah.
Rose Nylund: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh!
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Blanche: Hi, Dorothy. Rose and I are thinking about going to the movies; you want to go?
Dorothy: Oh, I can't tonight. No, Barbara is taking me to the experimental theatre downtown.
Blanche: Somebody dragged me to a show there one time. Three men paraded around the stage for five hours talkin' about God eatin' graham crackers. They wore masks to cover their faces, but other than that they were totally naked.
Rose Nylund: And you stayed through the whole evening?
Blanche: Well, I would have left, but one of the actors looked so familiar to me.
[Chews lip in thought]
Blanche: But it was hard to tell since he had such a small part.

"The Golden Girls: Miles to Go (#6.15)" (1991)
Dorothy Zbornak: Hi, Blanche.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, hi, how was school today?
Dorothy Zbornak: Ah, pretty good. Almost half the class came back after the fire drill.

Dorothy Zbornak: What are you doing?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I'm taking the tags off this dress and saving them so I can put them back on tomorrow. That way, when I take the dress back, they won't know I've worn it... See, I love the dress, but I can't afford it, not $300 worth, and I have a late date tonight, so I want to look stunning for it. Besides, it's not like I'm gonna wear it all that much. I'm just gonna put it on, and take it off... then put it on and come home and take it off again.

Sophia Petrillo: Great news! Gladys Goldfine called, and she's taking me to see Tony Bennett... Can you believe it? Tony Bennett. What that man does to me with his voice your father couldn't accomplish with his hands.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I know what you're talkin' about, Sophia. There are men's voices that get me goin' like that, too.
Dorothy Zbornak: Blanche, there are men's socks that can get you going like that.

Rose Nylund: Do we all remember what today is?... It's the one hundred and seventeenth anniversary of the birth of Robert Frost.
Sophia Petrillo: I love him. Always nippin' at your nose.
Rose Nylund: That was Jack Frost. Robert Frost is the guy who interviewed Richard Nixon on TV. Heh, heh. Who's the dumb one now?
Dorothy Zbornak: Ahh, you're still the reigning champ, Rose. That was David Frost. Robert Frost was a famous American poet.
Sophia Petrillo: And when I was with him, he was always nippin' at my nose.

"The Golden Girls: You Gotta Have Hope (#4.17)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So that's the catch, you'll let us have the Donatello Triplets if we let your new boyfriend in the show as well.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia that's blackmail!
Sophia Petrillo: That's showbusiness.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes, you can't be in the show.
Sophia Petrillo: You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, why do you continue to take pleasure in amusing yourself at my expense?
Sophia Petrillo: Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet, this is who I am Dorothy, either learn to live with it, or have me medicated.

Blanche Devereaux: This whole fantasy about Bob Hope is sick.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Sick.
Blanche Devereaux: I mean, if she's gonna have fantasies, they oughtta be the normal, healthy kind, like... sweaty Argentinian cowboys whippin' things while they ride naked on the back of Brahma bulls.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I have to remember to stop using your towels.

"The Golden Girls: One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest (#7.23)" (1992)
Dorothy Zbornak: [to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.

Dorothy Zbornak: You will always be my sisters... always!

Rose: How was the sex?
Dorothy: So good we named it!

Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, have I got a man for you.
Dorothy Zbornak: No thanks, had one.
Blanche Devereaux: It's my Uncle Lucas. He's *perfect* - all man, all heart, all yours.
Dorothy Zbornak: Look, Blanche, forget it! It's not going to work out. I mean, he's a little bit country, and I'm a little bit... too smart for this.

"The Golden Girls: The Return of Dorothy's Ex (#1.11)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia Petrillo: Because he knocked you up.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia Petrillo: Because he got you drunk.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia Petrillo: Beats the hell out of me.

Blanche Devereaux: Oh, take it from me, honey, there is no gentle way to end it with a man. When you're gentle with them, they just don't get the message.
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche is so right, Dorothy. That was exactly the problem I had with Eddie Parker. He was this real sweet guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him. You see, when Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO club. And, that's where I first met Eddie the Aqua Midget.
Blanche Devereaux: He was a blue midget?
Rose Nylund: Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a step ladder into this gigantic punchbowl.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [stifling laughter] S-so, um... what happened?
Rose Nylund: Nothing. He'd just swim to the side and hop out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I mean, uh... what happened between you and Eddie?
Rose Nylund: We talked a lot between shows, and of course I didn't realize it but he- he was falling for me.
Blanche Devereaux: Didn't have far to fall.
[Dorothy grabs Blanche's hand in an attempt to stifle more laughter]
Rose Nylund: It... it started with little things...
Blanche Devereaux: I bet.
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I... I tried to let him down gently...
Blanche Devereaux: You tried to make it short and sweet?
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: He just wouldn't take no for an answer. So I finally had to tell him straight out that I- I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size. It- it was simply that... w-I- I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still stifling laughter] Thank you, Rose. I... I don't know what to say... And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, why didn't you tell your mother about our vacation?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I was waiting for the right time- like when we landed in New York.
Blanche Devereaux: New York? I wanted to go to an island!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: New York is an island.
Blanche Devereaux: Yeah, but I want to go somewhere with a bunch of men who don't speak English!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Then we'll take the subway.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stan told me his wife left him.
Blanche Devereaux: And you believed him? I hear that at least twice a week!
Sophia Petrillo: And it works everytime!

"The Golden Girls: Strange Bedfellows (#3.7)" (1987)
Sophia: [Sophia has reservations about the City Council candidate Dorothy is supporting] He's a wimp, Dorothy.
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, ma. For your information, Gil Kessler is a very bright man, an honest and devoted civic leader... and probably the biggest wimp I've ever known in my life.
Sophia: That's not all. There's something else I don't like about him.
Dorothy Zbornak: What?
Sophia: I don't know. It's a hunch. I can't put my finger on it. But if I could, I would have to wash it.

Rose Nylund: [reading the morning paper] They caught Gil Kessler having an affair.
Dorothy Zbornak: [assuming it's a joke] Oh, you're kidding. With whom?
Rose Nylund: Well, they don't know her name, but look, they hid in the bushes and took this picture of her from behind going into his house.
Dorothy Zbornak: I don't believe th... wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress.
Sophia: And those look like Blanche's red shoes.
Dorothy Zbornak: And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
Rose Nylund: [outraged] That little floozie stole Blanche's clothes!
Dorothy Zbornak: It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen! Rose, Blanche *is* that little floozie!
Rose Nylund: You... you mean he...
Sophia: She's at the fifty.
Rose Nylund: They...
Sophia: The forty.
Rose Nylund: She...
Sophia: The thirty.
Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Blanche, it's *you*!
Blanche: [mocking] Oh, you're getting so good at that, Rose, now who's that over there?

Rose Nylund: [a local politician reveals a long-held secret] I'm still confused about the operation Gil Kessler had. Is the man asleep during it?
Dorothy Zbornak: [wearily] I think so, Rose.
Rose Nylund: And what about the parts they put on. Do they test them first?
Dorothy Zbornak: [mocking] Of course, Rose, like windshield wipers.
Rose Nylund: So they work?
Dorothy Zbornak: I assume so, yes.
Rose Nylund: What are they made of?
Dorothy Zbornak: [exasperated] Silly Putty, Rose!

"The Golden Girls: The Actor (#2.14)" (1987)
Rose: Dorothy, is this a good champagne?
Dorothy: Gee, it's hard to tell... the "2 for $7" sticker is covering the year of the vintage.

Stage Manager: Mr. Vaughn! Mr. Vaughn! Did you hgear about the cast change?
Patrick Vaughn: Cast change?
Stage Manager: Ronald Bromberg has come down with the flu! He won't be able to play the Sheriff!
Patrick Vaughn: Well, who can take over the part?
Dorothy: [Walks in dressed as a sheriff] Hello.
Stage Manager: She's the only one in the cast who fits into the costume!

Patrick Vaughn: So what harm did I do?
Rose: What harm did you do? You lied to everybody!
Blanche: You, sir, are nothin' but a lowdown, carpet-bagging, scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!
Dorothy: And another thing, you'll never WHAT?

"The Golden Girls: Mrs. George Devereaux (#6.9)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: Someone was actually able to deceive me once.
Sophia Petrillo: Do tell, Rose.
Rose Nylund: St. Olaf's most famous OBMAG.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What's that?
Rose Nylund: Obstetrician-Magician. The Amazing Shapiro. He delivered Bridget. But it was so confusing. "It's a girl! Now it's a dove... Now it's a glass of milk." I don't know how he got her in that deck of cards, but there she was right after the King of Hearts. "Is this your baby?"

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [discussing the fact that she has two celebrities - Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner - competing for her affections] I wanted to tell you sooner, but, well, I was afraid that you might not believe me.
Sophia Petrillo: And why should we, Miss Junior Prom 1946?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you promised.
Sophia Petrillo: Dating the quarterback, she says. Buys her own corsage, spends the evening hiding in the basement, slow-dancing with a rake! Would have gotten away with it, too, but while she was giving herself hickeys with the vacuum cleaner, she stepped into a puddle.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: To most mothers, that would be a cry for affection. To you, it's just ammo.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Blanche is considering meeting her 'secret admirer'] I can't believe you're gonna do it. I mean, sure, the flowers are nice, but, honey, are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, come on, Dorothy, how much trouble can I get into in a public place?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ahhhh, how soon we forget the Greyhound Terminal incident.

"The Golden Girls: Fiddler on the Ropes (#4.18)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.
Blanche Devereaux: Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche Devereaux: Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me the truth. Now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?
Rose Nylund: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I bet you're damn near spectacular.
Blanche Devereaux: [annoyed] I am talkin' about my job at the museum.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Of course you're competent, Blanche, I mean they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly lookin' over my shoulder?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Rose Nylund: Did he have a head for numbers?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stanley? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.

"The Golden Girls: The Competition (#1.7)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, aren't you forgetting something? Rose dumped you.
Blanche Devereaux: That's right, she did. I hate being dumped. Just hate it! I haven't been dumped since Wade Hunnicut threw me over for Rebecca Wilkinson, a girl who did not value her reputation.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Did you let him get away with it?
Blanche Devereaux: Hell, no.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What'd you do?
Blanche Devereaux: Slept with his brother.

Blanche Devereaux: I'm fine. I just... feel a little cold and clammy, and, uh... just a little short of breath.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now, you just settle down. You hear me? Settle down.
Blanche Devereaux: Whoo! Don't make me do this, Dorothy. This ball feels like it weighs about a hundred pounds.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, I sympathize with you. I mean, anyone who has ever competed understands what you're going through, so listen, sweetheart, if you don't feel like bowling, you don't have to.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, good.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You just hold on to the ball and I'll throw you down the aisle.

Blanche Devereaux: [Storming into the kitchen] I am stunned, just stunned! Stunned is the only way to describe how, stunned I am!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Just a minute, just a minute Blanche.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you trying to tell us, that you are stunned?

"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: We never had a barbeque in St. Olaf after the tragedy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I guess we have to ask.
Sophia Petrillo: No we don't.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: She'll work it in anyway. What tragedy, Rose?
Rose Nylund: I can't talk about it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine.
Sophia Petrillo: Good.
Rose Nylund: But it had to do with barbequing elk, a big fire and someone who lost his balance.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Got it.
Sophia Petrillo: Clear as a bell.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to her doctor] I've been sick for 5 months now. I have a constant sore throat, swollen glands, fevers, my muscles ache and are weak. I am totally exhausted all the time.
Dr. Stern: I know, I know. You told me.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well maybe it bears repeating!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [talking about her upcoming trip to New York] I'm going just for two days, to see a doctor. I've asked Rose to go with me.
Blanche Devereaux: [offended] Rose? Why her?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: She's comforting.
Blanche Devereaux: And I'm not?
Sophia Petrillo: You told me you were having a pedicure when your husband was dyin'.
Blanche Devereaux: Well of course I was, Sophia. It was the third Thursday of the month. If I'd cancelled, that would have been it for July and August, when I'd be wearin' open-toed sandals.
Sophia Petrillo: [mocking] Angel of mercy!
Blanche Devereaux: Well I didn't know he was gonna pick that precise hour to die. How could I know that?
Rose Nylund: Well, he was in a coma.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, he'd been in a coma for days. The fact is, I happen to be very good with sick people. I was once a candy-stripper.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's *striper*.

"The Golden Girls: The Heart Attack (#1.10)" (1985)
Sophia Petrillo: I've got a bubble.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why're you holding your chest?
Sophia Petrillo: The bubble is in my chest.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What do you mean you have a bubble? Is it pain?
Sophia Petrillo: If it was pain I'd call it pain, I have a bubble.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, do you know what a bubble is?
Blanche Devereaux: [shows her ring] I know what a bauble is.

Sophia Petrillo: Oh! Oh!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What is it, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: Pain!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What kind of pain?
Sophia Petrillo: The kind that hurts!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I knew this woman who went to Paris, went out to eat and she just had watercrest, because you know she didn't want to gain weight. And when she left, this gargoyle fell off the roof, hit her on the head and killed her! And just look at what her last meal was.
Blanche Devereaux: That's horrible, here, eat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Of course it'll be just my luck, I'll eat, I'll gain 40 pounds and I'll live to be 90.
Rose Nylund: Me too, I'm as healthy as a horse, unfortunately I'll wind up looking like one.

"The Golden Girls: Empty Nests (#2.26)" (1987)
[the girls' friend and neighbour Renee is worried that her doctor husband spends too long at work and doesn't have much time for her]
Blanche Devereaux: Talk to your husband.
Renee Corliss: Blanche, at the hospital they call him St. George! I'm married to a saint and I'm gonna tell him to work less, I'm lonely?
Sophia Petrillo: Dont you think St. Francis of Assisi's wife had a similar problem? Don't you think she said, "Frank, enough donkeys"?
Renee Corliss: So what do I do? Ask George to cut back on his practice because I don't want to eat alone?
Rose Nylund: Oh no, don't do that. I couldn't possibly go to another doctor.
Renee Corliss: See?
Rose Nylund: George is the only man to ever see me naked.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: Well, except for Charlie, of course.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: And the vet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The vet?
Rose Nylund: Our prize hen, Henrietta, had some kind of a chicken disease. I don't exactly know what it was.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Chickenpox.
Rose Nylund: No, I don't think so. Anyway, I had an earache so he saw us both at the same time.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: For that you got naked?
Rose Nylund: I thought that was strange, too.

Renee Corliss: Dorothy, it's crazy, but I feel like, how can I bother him? He's doing all this important stuff. Saving lives. And I'm gonna bother him because I'm a little unhappy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Renee, Jenny just left for college. All your kids are gone. This is a perfectly legitimate problem.
Rose Nylund: It's the "Empty Nest" syndrome. When I had it, I didn't know what it was. I was just very depressed. By the time I figured out what it was, I was gonna tell Charlie, but he died that night.

Renee Corliss: At two in the morning, waiting for George to come home, I called a radio talk show. I gave them the solution to the crisis in the Middle East.
Rose Nylund: [excited] Giving the Palestinians Greenland?
Renee Corliss: [delighted] You heard it?
Rose Nylund: I didn't know that was you. You were great!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [after a pause to let it sink in] Giving the Palestinians Greenland?
Renee Corliss: It's a big place. Nobody uses it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You would take a desert people and put them in the ice and snow?
Rose Nylund: With the proper clothes, they'll be fine.

"The Golden Girls: Adult Education (#1.20)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I got tickets, too! This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard...
Blanche Devereaux: [cuts Rose off] No, no, no, no! Please! I cannot bear that again!
[to Dorothy]
Blanche Devereaux: She was listening to her car radio. Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, and a dime in a door handle, then bim-bam-boom, she won the tickets!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma! How in the world did you get these?
Sophia Petrillo: Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.
Rose Nylund: You know Frank Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.
Blanche Devereaux: Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Tina Tortoni?
Sophia Petrillo: Tina Sinatra!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I am exhausted, I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.
Rose Nylund: You can't buy from a scalper, that's a crime.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.
Rose Nylund: I have to test them.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, one is testing, fourteen is brunch.
Rose Nylund: Good Lord I'm a criminal!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, as long as you already have a record, I can count you in.

"The Golden Girls: Rose: Portrait of a Woman (#7.20)" (1992)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [when Dorothy's adult student, Mr Tanaka, comes to her first class he's read the text, has done all the work ahead of time, and has written an extra report] We're *never* going to get ahead of you people, are we?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [explaining to her former student why she's going to leave the job he gave her teaching his employees, and go back to teaching High School] All these gentlemen were goof-offs, and you were a goof-off and I managed to cut you off at the pass. I figure 'the pass' is about the 10th grade. And that's where I belong.

Blanche Devereaux: [trying to help Rose find a good birthday present for Miles] Oh, I know. You can give Miles one of those boudoir photographs. You know, where you pose for pictures in sexy lingerie.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I don't know. I'd feel cheap... Like... Well, like you.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Rose, come on. It's a great idea. The pictures are just an intimate way to let a fella know he's the one and only man in your life. I've done it, twenty, thirty times.
Rose Nylund: [Dorothy and Sophia come into the living room] Oh, Dorothy, how would you feel about a birthday present of a picture of me in sexy lingerie?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'd rather have the cash.
Rose Nylund: Actually, it's not for you, it's for Miles.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He'd rather have the cash.

"The Golden Girls: Three on a Couch (#3.11)" (1987)
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I have read every want-ad in the paper. Mine is not here. Are you sure you dropped it off at the newspaper office?
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, you told me exactly what you wanted me to do a dozen times. Any idiot could have done it.
Dorothy Zbornak: I know, honey, but you were the only one going downtown.

Rose Nylund: Dorothy, you owe me an apology. Your ad's right here.
Dorothy Zbornak: [mortified] Oh, Rose, this is the Personals column.
Rose Nylund: So what?
Dorothy Zbornak: So what? You put an ad in the Personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour? It's right under an ad that reads, 'History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson.'
Jerry: [later, as Dorothy is saying goodbye with apologies to a priest she mistakenly thought was resonding to her ad, Jerry comes barging through the front door and approaches Rose] Hi, here's my eight dollars. Let's get started, Dorothy.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm not Dorothy, she is.
Jerry: [takes a good look at Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
Dorothy Zbornak: [outraged] How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?
Jerry: [ecstatic] Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars.
Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy throws Jerry out, just as Blanche is coming home] Girls. Girls, there is a bus-load of Greek sailors out front. They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!

Rose Nylund: Dorothy Zbornak, you're a barbell!
Dorothy Zbornak: That's a DUMBBELL, you twit!

"The Golden Girls: Cheaters (#5.22)" (1990)
Rose: I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, and Schroder was behind the plate, and Lucy and Snoopy were in the outfield, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do suppose it all means?
Dorothy: Peanuts envy?

Sophia Petrillo: [an old boyfriend, who was married at the time, reappears in Dorothy's life] Dorothy, you'll be sorry.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, come on, we liked each other. He's a funny, warm, giving man. He made me laugh. I am seeing him.
Sophia Petrillo: All right, go ahead, meet your adulterer. But remember, you were brought up a lady. Keep both your feet on the floor.
Dorothy: I'd better go change. Blanche, what should I wear?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, if you're gonna keep both feet on the floor, somethin' you can pull off over your head.

Dorothy: Glen asked me to marry him.
Blanche Devereaux: Paydirt! Well, are you gonna do it?
Dorothy: I haven't had time to make up my mind.
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, don't dawdle. Now, men have a very short memory span when it comes to that question. Sometimes they forget before you can get your clothes back on.
Rose: [Rose comes in from the living room] Oh, Dorothy, Glen is such a charmer. He and Sophia are really getting along.
Blanche Devereaux: Can I tell her? Glen asked Dorothy to marry him.
Rose: Do it! Oh, marry him, Dorothy. Even if you have to sign one of those pre-natal agreements.

"The Golden Girls: From Here to the Pharmacy (#7.11)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [re: Sophia hoarding money for 10 years] From now on I'm not paying for anything. You are on your own!
Sophia Petrillo: You can't do this to me! You never touch the principal. That money's for my old age.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore!
Sophia Petrillo: I'm in my twilight years!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're in the Twilight Zone! Hopi Indians are walking around saying, 'How does she do it?'

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You don't know anything about law.
Rose Nylund: I sure do. Every Thursday night I watch La Law.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, that's L.A. Law.
Rose Nylund: I wondered why Susan Dey didn't speak with a French accent.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after Sophia makes a comment about her killing her] Ma, you're just being silly. Here, have some tea.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [tone changes to menacing] It'll relax you.
Sophia Petrillo: I don't trust it. Rose, you taste it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [just as Rose is about to take a sip] ROSE, DON'T! That tea was for my mommy.

"The Golden Girls: Joust Between Friends (#2.9)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: In the past few days I have been turned down for every available part time job in Dade county that didn't involve selling cocaine.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Rose rescues a stray dog and intends to keep him in her room; suddenly, Dorothy hears him barking] What was that?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose brought a dog home from the supermarket.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What, couldn't she just get stew meat like she usually does?

Andrew Allen: [when Sophia comes to the museum to bring Dorothy her lunch, the Director greets her, and lays it on pretty thick] Hellooooo. And who do we have here?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: This is my mother, Mrs Sophia Petrillo. Ma, this is my boss, Mr Allen.
Andrew Allen: [speaking slowly and loudly, as if patronizing her advanced age] Pleased to meet you, Mrs Petrillo. What brings you to our humble home?
Sophia Petrillo: [turns to Blanche, covering her mouth so Mr Allen won't hear] Is he gay?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Uhhh, come on, honey, I'll walk you to the car.
Andrew Allen: Goodbye, Mrs Petrillo. Sorry you didn't have an opportunity to experience our museum. I'd love for you to see my most prized acquisition: a magnificent pair of Gauguins.
Sophia Petrillo: [offended and outraged] What are you, a pervert? I was married for 45 years, I never even saw my husband's Gauguins.

"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1989)
Oliver: How old are you?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Too old for you.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't know where you doctors lose your humanity, but you lose it. You know, if all of you at the beginning of your careers could get very sick and very scared for a while, you'd probably learn more from that than from anything else. You better start listening to your patients. They need to be heard. They need caring. They need compassion. They need attending to. You know, someday doctor Budd, you're going to be on the other side of the table, and as angry as I am and as ANGRY as I always will be, I still wish you a better doctor than you were to me.

Dr. Harry Weston: You know, there are all kinds of diseases that we didn't know about before. Look at lyme disease.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Harry, am I gonna die?
Dr. Harry Weston: I'm afraid so.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You really think so?
Dr. Harry Weston: [shrugs] Sooner or later, I guarantee it. Unless, of course, the Japanese come up with something.

"The Golden Girls: Home Again, Rose: Part 1 (#7.21)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [planning to 'crash' a High School reunion that isn't theirs] You have to be prepared. Now, I'm going to go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, Senior Class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?
Rose Nylund: Oh, uh, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose...
Rose Nylund: You can take a yearbook home to your parents.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose...
Rose Nylund: There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, this isn't a riddle.
Rose Nylund: Well, make it one. I had three good answers!

Blanche Devereaux: [as they're ready to leave to crash a High School reunion, Rose is having second thoughts] Wait a minute, you're deliberately tryin' to get out of going.
Rose Nylund: To tell you the truth, I think I'm a little afraid.
Blanche Devereaux: Afraid of what?
Rose Nylund: Afraid of looking stupid.
Sophia Petrillo: Ho!
Rose Nylund: I think this whole thing is wrong. I mean, we're going to this reunion, and deceiving people, and changing our past histories. To me, that's almost like lying, and that's against everything I am.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, what's the natural color of your hair?
Rose Nylund: I'll get the car.

Rose Nylund: [at the reunion] When no-one was looking, I went by the no-show table and got four name tags for us. Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong, and Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples, and Sophia, you're Myron Zucker.
Sophia Petrillo: Rose, you idiot, there's no way I'm gonna pass for a man. Dorothy, trade with me?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Go to Hell, Myron.

"The Golden Girls: The Triangle (#1.5)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know something, we are really lucky that we found a doctor who makes house calls.
Rose Nylund: I know! When I was growing up in Minnesota the doctor made house calls all the time, for us and the livestock.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You and the animals had the same doctor?
Rose Nylund: Sure! Worked out fine... until the doctor started drinking hog linament and tried to neuter the Swenson brothers.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, you keep your bloomers on, Scarlett. He's taking me out tomorrow night.
Blanche Devereaux: But he wants me, I can feel it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Let somebody else feel it.

Dorothy: [Talking about about an attractive doctor] Back of Scarlett! I saw him first.
Blanche: But Dorothy he wants me, I can sense it. He's a man, I'm a woman.
Dorothy: And what am I, Little Richard?

"The Golden Girls: The Way We Met (#1.25)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I'll make it up to you, Dorothy. I promise. Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya."
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes I do... Don't ever do that.

Rose Nylund: This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
Blanche Devereaux: The Great Herring War?
Rose Nylund: Yes, between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Rose Nylund: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, well that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
Rose Nylund: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring, and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
Blanche Devereaux: Weren't they kind of hard to see riding on the elephants?
Rose Nylund: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Uh, tell me, Rose, um... Ah-ha ha ha!... Did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?
Rose Nylund: Only once. But they shot him into a tree. After that no other herring would do it.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Sophia's just scared them brandishing a butcher knife and screaming] Ma, that is NOT funny!
Sophia Petrillo: Are you kidding, it's a riot! I pulled that one on old man Peterson after they showed 'Psycho' at the home. They said he would never walk again. He walked! Well, good night.
[waves the knife around]
Sophia Petrillo: Sweet dreams!
[exits kitchen laughing maniacally]

"The Golden Girls: Transplant (#1.4)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, can you eat quietly?
Sophia: These are Fritos, what do you want me to do, swallow them whole?

Rose: What would you do?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: For my children, I'd give both my kidneys, I'd cut them out myself.
Rose: Me too, I'd give my heart.
Sophia: I give to all my children, except Phil.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why not Phil?
Sophia: Because he never calls, he never writes, I only hear from him at Christmas when he sends me a cheddar cheese nativity scene. I'm Catholic, I can't spread a wise man on a Ritz cracker.

Rose: [talking about diapers] Remember when we had to use cotton and fish oil?
Sophia: In Sicily they used a leaf and the river.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you never had a baby in Sicily.
Sophia: I *was* a baby in Sicily.

"The Golden Girls: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? (#6.8)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the 'phone for a half hour, and guess what?
Blanche Devereaux: You forgot to dial first?
Rose Nylund: No.
Dorothy Zbornak: You held the receiver upside down.
Rose Nylund: Huh-uh.
Dorothy Zbornak: It wasn't even the 'phone, it was the TV remote control.
Rose Nylund: No.
Blanche Devereaux: A shoe?
Rose Nylund: Blanche, please, I'm not an idiot... The TV has a remote control?

Dorothy Zbornak: [after Sophia leaves to join a convent] God, I miss that woman. Say what you want about her, we all loved having her around.
Rose Nylund: I miss someone to have a chat with at midnight.
Blanche Devereaux: You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me. The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like, 'Tramp', 'Floozie', 'Trollop', 'Harlot', 'Magic Carpet Ride'.
Rose Nylund: [everyone joins in the fun] 'The Human Luge'.
Dorothy Zbornak: But she was never cuter than when she simply called you, 'Shore Leave'.

Mother Superior: So, Dorothy, I'll bet you love your mother a lot.
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, that depends. What has she done?

"The Golden Girls: Take Him, He's Mine (#2.3)" (1986)
Dorothy: [to her ex husband] Stanley, you are truly one chromosome away from being a potato!

Dorothy: I won't be seeing Geoffrey any more. He's leaving town.
Rose Nylund: I knew it. The minute I heard you were dating a sailor, I said to myself there'll be nothing but heartaches. Those squabbies drift into port, park their diddies on your doorstep, show you some tricks they learnt in the Orient and then it's, "Avast me hearties," and they shove off with a serpent tattoo and your heart as souvenirs.
Dorothy: You've been reading Treasure Island again, Rose.

Dorothy: [about dating a Commodore] You know, just when I'd given up hope of meeting someone, along came the most gallant, sophisticated, charming man I'd met in ages.
Rose Nylund: And I bet he knows how to tie a lot of really neat knots!

"The Golden Girls: And Then There Was One (#2.16)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, every time I turn around you have the baby in your arms.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, its just amazing - every time I pick her up she stops fussing and goes back to sleep!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well you shouldn't do that! The baby won't get used to sleeping alone.
Blanche Devereaux: Well you never get used to sleeping alone - I haven't.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Please, siamese twins sleep alone more than you do.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, honey... have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?

Rose Nylund: You know what's funny? Everytime the baby's diaper needs to be changed, the bears disappear.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's funny, everytime my kids' diapers needed to be changed, my husband would disappear.

"The Golden Girls: The Housekeeper (#3.4)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: So, Marguerite, wont you start by telling us a little about yourself.
Marguerite Brown: Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm hard working. Honest. And I'll work for a reasonable wage.
Rose Nylund: That's it?
Marguerite Brown: Alright. I wont go on with this charade any longer. There is something else, I'm black. Now if that's a problem for you, I'm white. Course that'll cost you extra!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite Brown: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose Nylund: Oh, neither do Dorothy and I.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [coming onto the lanai carrying a small painted rock] Girls, look what I found under my bed.
Rose Nylund: Gee, that's the most colorful dustball I've ever seen.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This is no dustball, Rose. I think it may be some kind of charm.
Marguerite Brown: [overhearing] It is! I learned it from my grandmother. You put a specially painted rock beneath a person's bed to bring them a restful sleep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you telling me that you put this under my bed?
Marguerite Brown: Well, I was only trying to be helpful! I figured with those terrible bags you needed the rest.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche Devereaux: And besides it'll take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, I have an idea. Why don't each of you take it in turns hitting me with a two by four?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [walking into the kitchen and finding Rose sweeping the floor] Rose why are you cleaning the kitchen? This is Marguerite's job!
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I know what you're gonna say. But I talked to Marguerite on the phone and this time she has a really good excuse for being late.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. What is it?
Rose Nylund: She had to go pluck a hair from the chin of a dawrf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And you fell for that old excuse?

"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy's Little Lady (#2.6)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [singing] "Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice. Miami is nice, Miami is nice, Miami is..." Wait a minute, wait a minute, *wait a minute*. You put in an extra "Miami is nice".
Rose Nylund: I had to. It hurts the music if you don't put it in.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense. I mean, it goes, "Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice."
Rose Nylund: Oh, I see your point. Well, what about this: "Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice."
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Thrice! Who the hell says "thrice"?
Rose Nylund: It's a word.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: So is inter-uterine. It does not belong in a song.
Rose Nylund: [trying to make it work] "Miami... you're cuter than... an inter-uter-ann".

Big Daddy: Well, now I don't want you to get too excited, but Margaret and I are planning on walking down the aisle together.
Blanche Devereaux: OHHHHHHH!
Big Daddy: Is she happy or sad?
Rose Nylund: I'm not sure, I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Rose and Dorothy are discussing whether they should enter a Miami song writing competition] You know, Rose, I have to confess, I dabbled a little in poetry writing in High School.
Rose Nylund: Oh, well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of tall girls who wouldn't get dates wrote poetry in High School.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I meant that for ten thousand dollars, I might try my hand at lyric writing. I mean, maybe we could, you know, team up.
Rose Nylund: You mean music by Rose Nylund, lyrics by Dorothy Zbornak?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, why not? I mean, we could be the next Rodgers and Hammerstein, the next Simon and Garfunkel, the next...
Rose Nylund: [excited] Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I don't know if I could get my hand that far up your dress... But I'll tell you, for ten thousand dollars, I'd be willing to give it a try.

"The Golden Girls: The Accurate Conception (#5.3)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, what are you still doing here? You were supposed to go to the doctor this morning!
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, I guess you didn't hear about Dr. Segal.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What's that?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm not going!

Blanche Devereaux: What does one wear to a sperm bank?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Something stylish in rubber.
Blanche Devereaux: [a pause] I have that.

Blanche Devereaux: [to Rebecca] You are a Devereaux and a Devereaux has never had to pay for it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Dr. Manning] She's always depended on the kindness of strangers.

"The Golden Girls: There Goes the Bride: Part 1 (#6.16)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: Goin' out with your boyfriend's friend is very exciting. Take it from me. I wrote the book on dating.
Rose Nylund: Really? What's it called?
Blanche Devereaux: It doesn't have a title, you twit.
Dorothy Zbornak: [Dorothy enters, wearing a bathrobe to keep Sophia from finding out she's dressed to go out with Stan] Hi. Ahh, sorry. Well, good night.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, you going to bed already?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, what's so terrible about going right to bed?
Rose Nylund: Hey, Blanche, that's a great title for your book!

Blanche Devereaux: Well, did you have a good time tonight?
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, it was wonderful. Oh, girls, I cannot tell you how nice it is to be with Stan lately. He's fun, and attentive, and sweet, oh, even in the bedroom he's just... well, he's really brought new meaning to the word 'solicitous'.
Rose Nylund: [giggling, then looking confused] What was the old meaning again?

Dorothy Zbornak: [Stanley has proposed over dinner in a restaurant] I don't know what to say.
Stan Zbornak: [struggling for words] Don't you see? We belong together. We're an artful complement of individual tastes, enhanced instead of concealed by each other, and served in our natural juices.
Dorothy Zbornak: You got that from the menu.
Stan Zbornak: It was the special. Cajun prime rib. But I think it applies.

"The Golden Girls: End of the Curse (#2.1)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: How do you know if a grasshopper is Spanish?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

Rose Nylund: She's in there.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Really Columbo?

Rose: How can you tell if a grasshopper is Spanish?
Dorothy: Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

"The Golden Girls: Letter to Gorbachev (#3.6)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: I'm concerned about nuclear war.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanche] And just yesterday, her biggest concern was whether Bubbles the Chimp was traveling with Michael Jackson against his will.

Sophia Petrillo: [after her magic trick goes awry] This watch is broken.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma! Stan gave me that watch for our wedding anniversary!
Sophia Petrillo: Well the marriage never worked, why should the watch?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanche, after finding out Gorbachev wants to meet with Rose] Kemosabe, I think we're in heap big trouble.

"The Golden Girls: Flu Attack (#1.21)" (1986)
Blanche: [the girls have the flu] Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: [she holds up an electrical cord] Well if this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket

Rose Nylund: I just feel a little achey.
Dorothy: What kind of achey? Head-achey, stomach achey, what?

Blanche: I feel hot.
Dorothy: I feel cold.
Rose Nylund: I feel guilty. This is all my fault.
Dorothy: Oh no Rose, it's all my fault. As soon as I found out you were contagious I should've thrown you out of the house.

"The Golden Girls: There Goes the Bride: Part 2 (#6.17)" (1991)
Truby Steele: Oh, my husband passed.
Rose Nylund: Passed what?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: A slow-moving Winnebago, Rose!

Rose Nylund: Oh, by the way, Blanche, Chuck at the gas station says "yo."
Blanche Devereaux: Chuck from Arco or Chuck from Shell?
Rose Nylund: Chuck from Shell.
Blanche Devereaux: Big Chuck from Shell or Little Chuck from Shell?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, you're spending too much time at the full-service island.

"The Golden Girls: A Visit from Little Sven (#3.9)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, did anything happen between you and Sven that would make him think that you liked him?
[Blanche seems reluctant to answer]
Sven: You mean you didn't tell them about you kissing me?
Rose Nylund: KISSING him?
Sven: Or stroking my hair?
Rose Nylund: Stroking his hair?
Sven: Or feeding me?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sees that Rose is speechless] All right, I'll say it. FEEDING him?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looking at an erotic cake Rose unwittingly bought] WHOA OH!
Blanche Devereaux: Why Rose Nylund. Why, that cake is in the shape of...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, we know what it is.
Rose Nylund: I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
Blanche Devereaux: That reminds me... I gotta give Charlie Melbourne a call.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If this cake reminds you of Charlie Melbourne, we can BOTH give him a call!

"The Golden Girls: Rose Fights Back (#5.4)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [reading letter] This is terrible!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Trick move by your checkers-by-mail partner?

Sophia Petrillo: I need money for a medical emergency.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What's wrong with you, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: I think I'm pregnant.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What happened? The rabbit die laughing?

"The Golden Girls: Stand by Your Man (#6.11)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: My mother talked me into getting her the new Stephen King.
Librarian: Well, we do have the one that came out last Tuesday.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, as long as it's not about some little creature who finds new and inventive ways of terrorizing a household. It's for my mother. I don't want to give her any ideas.

Blanche Devereaux: I certainly did grow up around some ignorant people. Do you know what horrible thing the folks in my neck of the woods did once when I was a young-un?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You mean besides using phrases like 'neck of the woods' and 'young-un'?
Blanche Devereaux: They burned books! The townspeople made a big pile of 'em out in front of the library, and they threw a torch on top. Only, Big Daddy was outraged. He fought his way through that crowd, clawed his way to the top of that pile, grabbed that lit torch, and turned to that crowd and said, "What are you people doin'? This is lunacy. You start a fire from the bottom!"

"The Golden Girls: That Was No Lady (#1.14)" (1985)
Dorothy: We spent the evening at a motel.
Rose: A motel! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed, den of iniquity?
Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose!

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: So you've started up with your married man again.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.
Dorothy: Oh Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh - I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your ...
Dorothy: Ma!

"The Golden Girls: Melodrama (#6.19)" (1991)
Blanche: Ooh... I've got goosebumps. Mel'll be here any minute.
Dorothy: Honey, why are you so jumpy? You've been out with Mel a thousand times.
Blanche: I know but now there's more at stake - everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I... I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.
Sophia: You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?
Blanche: Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
Sophia: I'm just saying you're lucky Jack & Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip columb.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Hold it, Pussycat. I'm on a roll.
Blanche: I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were maent to be together.
Sophia: I wish I could say the same for your thighs.
Sophia: God, I'm hot tonight!
Blanche: I'm not gonna stand for this.
Sophia: Take it, Dorothy.
Dorothy: But I'll bet you'll lie down for it.
Sophia: Well, that was just plain rude.
Blanche: Some people just don't know when to quit.

Blanche: Tonight, Mel and I are starting a brand new relationship! Do you realize how rare it is to find out that the person you've been sleeping with is the person you love?
Dorothy: No, but you can't go by me; I have morals.

"The Golden Girls: Dancing in the Dark (#5.6)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.
Rose Nylund: I asked you to tell him I'm not going.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.
Rose Nylund: Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.
Rose Nylund: Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What!
Rose Nylund: Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I couldn't!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Of course che couldn't!
Blanche Devereaux: You stay out of this Dorothy.
Rose Nylund: Well, why not? It's all over betwen us. He'll know that tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: A backstabbing slut?
Blanche Devereaux: No.
Rose Nylund: Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favour to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed
[Blanche exits]
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, what are you doing lining shelves on a Friday night?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm workin' off all my excess sexual energy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why don't we just hook you up to the toaster and make Pop-Tarts?

"The Golden Girls: If at Last You Do Succeed (#6.3)" (1990)
Sophia Petrillo: Here, Pussycat, taste this.
Dorothy Zbornak: [she puts the spoon to her mouth, then recoils in pain] Ooooh, Ma, oooh, mmm.
Sophia Petrillo: [reading] Bring to a near boil. Perfect.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, I could have burned my lips. What are you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: My eyesight is going, so I like a prank I can hear.

Dorothy Zbornak: [Stan is telling the Girls about his latest invention] What is it this time, Stanley? Whoopee cushions for the hearing-impaired?
Stan Zbornak: It's not a novelty, it's a Zbornie!
Rose Nylund: What's a Zbornie?
Dorothy Zbornak: I put up with it for thirty-eight years, Rose, you don't want to know.
Stan Zbornak: It's not that, Dorothy, I just used the same name.

"The Golden Girls: Questions and Answers (#7.16)" (1992)
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I'm sorry I won't be able to quiz you; Jake and I are due at the Hubbards, but I have a book here that should help you prepare for your Jeopardy try-out.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The St. Olaf High School yearbook? No. Thanks anyway, Rose, I don't think I'll be needing it.
Rose Nylund: Well, okay, Miss Know-it-all. But if Alex Trebek asks you what years Oaf Horwal was on the student council back to back, don't come crying to me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: 1946 and '47.
Rose Nylund: [shocked]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I intend to win this.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Merv Griffin] Mr. Griffin, please. You are the most beloved man in America. You are bright, you are charming, you are the anti-Trump.

"The Golden Girls: Old Boyfriends (#7.13)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose Nylund: Thank you, Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Rose Nylund: [after shutting the door] I have no idea who that man is!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, why didn't you tell him you don't remember him?
Rose Nylund: And hurt an old friend? Boy Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you!

"The Golden Girls: Isn't It Romantic? (#2.5)" (1986)
Blanche: [coming in to Dorothy's room in the middle of the night] I heard you laughing, what's so funny?
Sophia: For starters, Jean is a Lesbian.
Blanche: What's funny about that?
Sophia: You aren't surprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I mean, I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: [gradually realising Blanche's confusion] Not Lebanese, Blanche, Lesbian.
Blanche: [they discuss it further, then Blanche concludes] Well, I'll never understand what Jean doesn't see in the opposite sex, but hey, if that's what makes her happy, that's fine by me.
Dorothy: There's one other thing.
Sophia: Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Blanche: Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe it! I do not believe it!
Dorothy: I was pretty surprised myself.
Blanche: Well, I'll bet. To think Jean would prefer Rose over me, that's ridiculous!... Does Rose know?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Oh, good. I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.
Sophia: Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a Lesbian, it'll break her heart.

Blanche: Jean's a very attractive woman. She could have any man she wants.
Dorothy: She doesn't want them.
Blanche: Well, why not? A man has so much more to offer, y'know what I mean, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Yeah, I found that out when Mark Perper was running for class president in the Third Grade.
Blanche: Why, what does that have to do with anything?
Dorothy: Well, his campaign slogan was, 'Vote for me, and I'll show you my wee-wee.' He won by a landslide!

"The Golden Girls: Ebbtide's Revenge (#6.12)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: He looks very peaceful and natural.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah... as natural as a man can look wearing a black teddy.
Rose Nylund: It's a beautiful teddy... I think more men should be buried in teddies.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I've just gotta remember that it's not the clothes that make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes oh God he looks like he died in a Benny Hill sketch!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I don't know, Ma, I guess Phil had some deep psychological need and cross dressing provided an emotional outlet.
Rose Nylund: I may be old fashioned, but why didn't he just drink?

"The Golden Girls: Son-in-Law Dearest (#2.23)" (1987)
Dennis: Mother Dororthy...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Don't call me Mother Dorothy, I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy - I feel like I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta.

Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy's son-in-law has been unfaithful, and Dorothy's daughter Kate wants to take him back] I'm telling you Dorothy, this isn't your business. Just stay out of it!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I can't just stay out of it, Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Then you'll lose Kate, and someday Stan's going to call you up and tell you you've got a grandchild you're never gonna see.

"The Golden Girls: Home Again, Rose: Part 2 (#7.22)" (1992)
[Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia are looking in on a sedated Rose following her triple bypass]
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, my God. Dorothy, look at her!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: It's the surgery. Nobody looks good after surgery.
Sophia Petrillo: Tell that to Cher.

Sophia Petrillo: [the girls are sitting in the waiting room with complete silence] My heiney's asleep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. We'll keep our voices down.

"The Golden Girls: The Auction (#4.11)" (1989)
Blanche: Wait a minute, Rose. Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?
Rose: Is it this one with the naked man and woman being swept up in the waves?
Blanche: Yes, that's it. You can't use this towel.
[takes towel from Rose]
Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency. We'll replace it next week.
[takes towel from Blanche]
Blanche: Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel. There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.
[attempts to wrest towel from Dorothy]
Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand!
Blanche: I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're lying, Blanche.
Blanche: Damn, you're good.

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Rose - is the ceiling in your room leaking, too?
Rose: No, Dorothy. I just finished milking the cow I keep in my closet. Gee, with only three hours' sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!

"The Golden Girls: Valentine's Day (#4.15)" (1989)
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at a drugstore picking up some last minute supplies before setting out on a Valentine's cruise with their steadies]
Blanche Devereaux: We are giong away on a romantic cruise to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose Nylund: What kinda protection?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Two armed Pinkerton guards! No, Blanche is talking about...
[drawing Rose's attention to items on a nearby shelf]
Rose Nylund: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: One over.
Rose Nylund: An enema bag?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: To the right.
Rose Nylund: Dentu Grip?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Condoms, Rose! Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!
Drugstore Clerk: Hey, take it easy lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, did you ever make love on top of a mountain?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, the closest I ever came was on top of a fat guy named Old Smokey.

"The Golden Girls: Diamond in the Rough (#2.22)" (1987)
Rose: I found out that Baked Alaska can be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose I know something else. Mars Bars are made right here on Earth.

Dorothy: Blanche, did it ever occur to you that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes.
Rose: And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Dorothy: Then what do you have to say for yourself?
Blanche Devereaux: Damn, I'm good!

"The Golden Girls: Goodbye, Mr. Gordon (#7.14)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [In a fake friendly voice] Rose, could I see you for a moment?
Rose Nylund: [Rose fakes wondering if Blanche meant her, in order to stall for time. Approaches Blanche and Dorothy] You're mad aren't you?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about "Lesbian Lovers of Miami".
Rose Nylund: Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat "The Price Is Right"!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras.

Ron: [to the studio audience] Any other questions? Ah! Here we go!
[Runs over to Sophia]
Sophia Petrillo: This is directed to Dorothy's lover: Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, most people don't know.
Sophia Petrillo: Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I really don't know, but... I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.

"The Golden Girls: Witness (#6.21)" (1991)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Blanche asks Dorothy to help check her Southern lineage papers] Uh-oh...
Blanche Devereaux: What?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, I hate telling you this, Blanche... no, that's not true. I look forward to telling you this, Blanche. The woman your great-grandfather married was born, well, outside of Georgia.
Blanche Devereaux: How far outside of Georgia?
Dorothy Zbornak: Buffalo. You're a Yankee, Blanche!
Blanche Devereaux: No, this can't be.
Dorothy Zbornak: [enjoying this to the fullest] A Yankee Doodle!
Blanche Devereaux: [panicking] There must be some mistake.
Dorothy Zbornak: You are that Yankee Doodle gal.
Blanche Devereaux: Let me see the certificate. I want to see with my own eyes that my great-grandmother was... that thing you said.
Dorothy Zbornak: A Yankee.
Blanche Devereaux: Right.
Dorothy Zbornak: A Yankee Doodle.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, stop it.
Blanche Devereaux: [she carefully inspects the document] Oh, my God!
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, did I mention, her name was Feldman?

Blanche Devereaux: Ahhh, I remember growin' up in Atlanta, how all of us girls used to pretend to be Confederate belles and we'd receive gentleman callers. Got to be like a competition. In fact, I once received seven callers in one evening.
Dorothy Zbornak: I'm just thinking out loud, but isn't Atlanta where the Center for Disease Control is?
Blanche Devereaux: Coincidence.

"The Golden Palace: Seems Like Old Times: Part 2 (#1.8)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [Sophia goes missing after the Girls disagree as to where she should live] Oh, Dorothy, any luck finding Sophia?
Dorothy Hollingsworth: No, and I went to all her usual hangouts in the mall.
Blanche Devereaux: Did you try that geriatric shoe store she likes to hang out at? What's the name of it...
Dorothy Hollingsworth: Oh, Still Kicking? Haven't seen her since last week.
Chuy Castillos: Did you try the police?
Dorothy Hollingsworth: Yes, but they told me not to expect much, because her description fits half the women in Miami. And a quarter of the men.

Blanche Devereaux: [Sophia has gone missing, and the Girls are on edge] Oh, girls, let's not be mean to each other. That won't solve anything.
Dorothy Hollingsworth: Well, there wouldn't be anything to solve if you had let me take Ma home, like I wanted to.
Blanche Devereaux: Since when is this my fault?
Dorothy Hollingsworth: Since you started forcing my mother to do hard labor.
Blanche Devereaux: [deeply offended] I don't believe you said that. Oh, f I weren't a lady, I'd deck you.
Dorothy Hollingsworth: You try it, I'll have you on your back so fast, you'll think you're out on a date.

"The Golden Girls: Rites of Spring (#4.23)" (1989)
[Dorothy, Blanche and Rose have enrolled in a special aerobics class in order to lose weight]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to stretch her legs wide apart] Ooh, that hurts!
Blanche Devereaux: [sitting with her legs already wide apart] I'm not havin' any trouble.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why is it that doesn't surprise me?

Yvonne: [in pain] Oh! Charlie Horse!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to Rose, who thinks that 'Charlie Horse' is an exercise move] That's not an exercise move you peabrain!

"The Golden Girls: Love for Sale (#6.23)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Let me guess Rose, Ivan Boesky-Vanderfloovenhoover-meistergarbengerbenfleckman.
Rose Nylund: That's the louse.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [refusing to participate in a charity date auction] I am not going. It is degrading.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, come on now, don't be a stick-in-the-mud. It's for the Children's Hospital. I mean, if you can't degrade yourself for a bunch of sick kids, who can you degrade yourself for?

"The Golden Girls: A Little Romance (#1.13)" (1985)
Dr. Jonathan Newman: Hello, I'm Dr. Jonathan Newman.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you absolutely sure?

Blanche Devereaux: Oh! Oh, I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I made a fool of myself, didn't I?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yes!
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I feel awful, just awful!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, if you don't want tonight to turn into a total disaster, you have to stop being so self-conscious.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well you're right, of course. Dr. Newman is a guest in our home. If I'm self-conscious, he'll be ill at ease. I can't allow that to happen. It would be... un-Southern.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's a good belle.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, get the door.
[picks up the tray of hors d'oeuvres and walks through the kitchen door. To Dr. Newman and Rose]
Blanche Devereaux: Shrimp?
[keeps walking in a circle so she can go right back in the kitchen]

"The Golden Girls: Charlie's Buddy (#3.12)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I thought you were gonna were something from your closet.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I was. But as it turned out, nothing fit me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops, you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.
Blanche Devereaux: That's not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.
Sophia Petrillo: Of course it does. That's why you have to cover it with a dress.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I really would like you to go with me and help me pick out a dress. What do you say?
Sophia Petrillo: What do I say? I'm your mother, Dorothy. I was there for you when you needed a communion dress. I was there for you when you needed a prom dress. I was there for you when you needed a wedding dress. And frankly, I'm sick of it - buy your own damned dress.

"The Golden Girls: Ro$e Love$ Mile$ (#7.9)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Dorothy is leaving the house to go on a cruise] Now Ma, you're going to do what Blanche tells you?
Sophia Petrillo: Yes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And you're not going to give her a hard time?
Sophia Petrillo: No.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ok, goodbye Mom.
Sophia Petrillo: Goodbye, pussycat.
[Shuts the door and faces Blanche]
Sophia Petrillo: Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy!... This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanch] My mother is to be fed twice a day.
Blanche: Got it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Walk her after dinner.
Blanche: Got it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And no liquids after dinner.
Sophia Petrillo: You're talking about me like I'm an animal!
Sophia Petrillo: [sniffs Blanche] You've been with a man, haven't you?

"The Golden Girls: Great Expectations (#5.14)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche comes into the kitchen, wearing a Western outfit and an empty holster] Oh, Dorothy, by any chance, did you borrow my pearl-handled six-shooter?
Dorothy Zbornak: Blanche, you look ridiculous.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I do not! I'm a cowgirl. Yippe-i-o, K-Y.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ki-yay.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well, whatever. Have you seen my gun?
Dorothy Zbornak: No.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, damn. What's the point of wearin' this if I've got nothin' to put in it?
Sophia Petrillo: I say the same thing every morning when I put on my bra.
Dorothy Zbornak: Blanche, why are you dressed like that?
Blanche Devereaux: Because I am goin' to an authentic, Texas-style barbecue, and my date is a real-live cowboy.
Dorothy Zbornak: [astonished] Morty Fishbein is a real-live cowboy?
Blanche Devereaux: He's from Amarillo, Texas. He was the grand marshal of the B'nai B'rith rodeo for three years straight. Who better to go with to a barbecue?
Blanche Devereaux: [the 'phone rings, Blanche answers] Hello? Morty... threw your back out puttin' your boots on? You're in traction? Oh, I guess this means you're gonna be a little late? Oh, all right.
Blanche Devereaux: [she hangs up] Well, can you believe that? Because of one little slipped disc, Morty is not takin' me to the barbecue.
Dorothy Zbornak: What a shame. You'll miss the foot-stomping version of "Sunrise, Sunset".

Dorothy Zbornak: [Blanche shares her delight that she's going out with old boyfriend Steven] That's nice. Maybe I should look up one of my old flames.
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, but not Stan. The other one.

"The Golden Girls: Blanche's Little Girl (#3.14)" (1988)
Rose: [Blanche is upset after falling out with her daughter] It's not like Blanche to go to bed at eight o'clock.
Sophia: At least not by herself!
Dorothy: No, Blanche is depressed, Rose.
Rose: Do you think she's depressed about Rebecca?
Dorothy: No, Rose. She's depressed because Marblehead Manor is only on once a week.
Rose: Boy, I remember when I was a little girl, when we'd get depressed. Grandma could always cheer us up. She'd take out her dentures and she'd take a healthy swig from the aquarium, and then she'd put a flashlight under a chin, and we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek. We could have watched it all day... but visiting hours were only from ten to four.
[Dorothy and Sophia can only stare in silence at their eccentric companion]

Dorothy: It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

"The Golden Girls: What a Difference a Date Makes (#6.22)" (1991)
John: It was an enchanting evening, Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Some Enchanted Evening. That was the theme of the prom that we never got to.
John: A little more romantic than the theme they had tonight.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: "Wear a Condom" is more than a prom theme. It's sort of become the school slogan.
John: It's catchy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh God, I wish Stan had gone to that school.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, I'm going to ask you something and no matter how you answer, I'll know it's true. Did you tell John to go away the night of my prom because you didn't like the way he was dressed?
Sophia Petrillo: Well...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: LIAR!

"The Golden Girls: The President's Coming! The President's Coming! Part 1 (#5.25)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: There's a man on our lawn!
Blanche Devereaux: Get the net!

"The Golden Girls: Larceny and Old Lace (#3.21)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [about Rocco, Sophia's latest boyfriend] ... Ever since ma started seeing him she's on the phone all the time she stays up all night, last night she came with Niquel on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, can I ask you something?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't know what it means - I just don't like the possibilities.
Rose Nylund: No - I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I haven't noticed.
Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Hi, Blanche!
Blanche Devereaux: ...Must you always be so cheerful you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off!
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding: Part 2 (#4.7)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: [talking to Max] You hardly ever remember to lift the toilet seat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Please, he hardly ever remembers to lift the toilet lid.

"The Golden Girls: Two Rode Together (#4.16)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [laughs while showing old slides of the family] Pop was sure a lousy photographer. Who is that?
Sophia Petrillo: Uncle Vittorio.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: His head's cut off. How can you tell?
Sophia Petrillo: Because that's exactly how he looked in the morgue when he turned in state's evidence against Benny the Blade.

"The Golden Girls: The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present (#5.23)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [after Dorothy violently pounds on the stall she's trapped in] Dorothy, you do that one more time and I'm going to write on the wall "For a good time, call Dorothy Zbornak".
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [laughs] Blanche, this is the ladies' room.
Blanche Devereaux: RIGHT!

"The Golden Girls: The President's Coming! The President's Coming! Part 2 (#5.26)" (1990)
Agent Bell: [a Secret Service agent is checking the Girls' household before the presidential visit] I only have one more question to ask. What organizations do you belong to? We have to make sure none of them could be considered a threat to the president.
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, well, I'm a member of the Sierra Club, and Blanche belongs to the Daughters of the Confederacy.
Rose Nylund: And I'm a member of the Otto Club of St Olaf. Well, actually I'm an honorary member. My name's not Otto.
[to be read aloud; this line is a spoken pun, which doesn't really work in writing]
Agent Bell: I don't think that group could be considered subversive.
Rose Nylund: Subversive?
Agent Bell: You know, as in, 'Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence.'
Rose Nylund: [after thinking it over] Violence.
Dorothy Zbornak: [annoyed by her stupidity] Rose!

"The Golden Girls: Journey to the Center of Attention (#7.18)" (1992)
Rose Nylund: [Sophia and Rose come home, dressed in black, laughing] Oh girls, we just went to Doug Kirkpatrick's wake. It was the greatest.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't remember when I had so much fun. Those Irishmen! They even laid out Doug's body in the living room!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, that sounds morbid.
Rose Nylund: I didn't have a problem with it. 'Til one of the relatives got drunk and started slow-dancing with the corpse. But even then it was surprisingly touching.
Blanche Devereaux: And speaking of being touched, it's nickel beer night at The Rusty Anchor. I'm gonna get my purse, you get changed, 'cause we're goin'.
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, what if no-one there wants to talk to me? What if nobody asks me to dance?
Blanche Devereaux: Now Dorothy, think: if there's somebody out there who is willing to dance with a corpse, there's somebody willing to dance with you.

"The Golden Girls: The Stan Who Came to Dinner (#2.13)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after Stan confessed his affairs] I always assumed this would happen, but I always thought that it would be with that secretary you had. You know, the blonde one that couldn't type or take shorthand.
Stan Zbornak: You're wrong on two counts, Dorothy. One, she could take shorthand. And two, I did have an affair with her.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm shocked. That airhead could take shorthand?

"The Golden Girls: Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding? (#1.2)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after Sophia has given her advice] You're right, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Of course I am! You think I got this old by being stupid?

"The Golden Girls: My Brother, My Father (#3.17)" (1988)
[in an odd situation, Sophia's brother Angelo is visiting, Rose and Blanche are dressed as nuns, and Dorothy and Stan are pretending to be married]
Rose: I'm Sister Rose!
Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're... uh, going...
[looks at panties in her hands]
Blanche: ...door to door collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people.
Stan: [Stan comes in] I just saw on TV that there's a big hurricane on the way to Miami, and the airports are closed!
Blanche: Aw, *Jesus*!
[catches herself]
Blanche: ...protect us, in this time of great need.
Dorothy: Amen!

"The Golden Girls: Whose Face Is This, Anyway? (#2.20)" (1987)
[Rose is following Dorothy around with a camcorder]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?
Rose Nylund: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am infront of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose Nylund: Don't worry. This is a documentary; it's okay if you're not good looking.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, stop trying to appeal to my ego. The answer is no.

"The Golden Girls: Nice and Easy (#1.17)" (1986)
Lucy: Dorothy, Rose, I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
Rose Nylund: Oh, don't be silly.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, we enjoyed having you.
Sophia Petrillo: So did half of Miami.

"The Golden Girls: Little Sister (#4.21)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: [Dreyfuss the dog comes into the living room carrying a pair of men's trousers] I wonder where those pants came from?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: According to the label, The Gap.

"The Golden Girls: Love, Rose (#2.10)" (1986)
Dorothy: Oh come on now Rose, don't let this bother you. You'll date again.
Blanche: Of course she will. Honey have you given any thought to advertising?
Rose: Oh Blanche! I could never dress the way you do. Besides, I have to wear undies. Not all my wool skirts are lined.

"The Golden Girls: Brotherly Love (#3.8)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, I didn't know you were in here.
Blanche Devereaux: I was hiding behind the drapes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What is this, Hamlet?

"The Golden Girls: Stan Takes a Wife (#4.10)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [everyone is relieved as Sophia improves after a rough night in the hospital] What about you, Dorothy? You must be exhausted being here by yourself all night.
Dorothy Zbornak: No, I wasn't alone. Stan came by and stayed with me. Brought me food, held me, showed me that special part of himself.
Rose Nylund: Right there in the waiting room?
Dorothy Zbornak: Not that part, Rose.

"The Golden Girls: Mister Terrific (#3.24)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [on live tv] So you see, it's very important that we eat lots of fruits and grains and try to avoid sweets. Right, Kolak?
Kolak: Why don't you try to avoid sweets? It's not a pretty picture from down here.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why Kolak. I didn't know you could speak English.
Kolak: Hey what you don't know could fill a space the size of Guam!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Since you brought up Guam, why don't we talk a bit about geography for a little bit?
Kolak: You wanna see some geography lady, I'll show you some geography!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Whoa, Kolak!
Kolak: Wanna know what we call this on the planet Twylar, huh?
Kolak: [Dorothy clamps his mouth closed with her hands] Really quick thinking Mrs. Schoolteacher, like that's really going to shut me up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [panicking] What do I do now?
Kolak: Why don't you tell all the boys and girls how you gave Mr. Terrific the axe?

"The Golden Girls: Forgive Me, Father (#2.18)" (1987)
Father Frank Leahy: [after arriving for his 'date' with Dorothy] You look beautiful, Dorothy.
Dorothy: [humiliated, having just discovered Frank is a priest] I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.

"The Golden Girls: Mother's Day (#3.25)" (1988)
[during a mother's day flash back with Sophia and young Dorothy]
Young Dorothy Zbornak: Okay Grandma. Here we are.
Grandma Petrillo: I'm in a wheelchair. I'm not blind. I can see where we are, and it could stand a good vacuum.
[later in the flash back]
Grandma Petrillo: Where's Salvador? He's hiding from me, isn't he? He always hides from me. The little monkey hates me!
Young Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, don't be silly, Pop is crazy about you.
Salvadore Petrillo: [Offstage] Don't lie to your grandmother! It's a sin!
Young Dorothy Zbornak: I mean, he's not CRAZY about you, but he's very, very fond of you.
Grandma Petrillo: He HATES me! the man repairs complicated machinery for a living. Three times this month he couldn't set the hand brake on my wheelchair.
Young Dorothy Zbornak: Grandma, that was JUST a coincidence.
Grandma Petrillo: Please! All three times was at the top of the stairs to the Flatbush Subway Station!

"The Golden Girls: Foreign Exchange (#4.24)" (1989)
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, do you have any cough drops?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: Hard candy?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: Tic Tacs?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Does it say K-Mart on the back of my nightgown?
Sophia Petrillo: Actually, it does, you cheapskate!

"The Golden Girls: Long Day's Journey Into Marinara (#2.19)" (1987)
[Sophia and Angela have just cooked a meal for the entire household]
Blanche Devereaux: Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life.
Angela: Well, how good could it have been? You left half of it.
Blanche Devereaux: I ate every bite!
Angela: There's some sauce left. If you'd really liked it, you'd take a hunk of bread and sop it all up. You can afford it!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, no I cant! I've put on a few pounds, you just haven't noticed.
Angela: What am I blind? I can see that. I meant the bread. You can afford it, it's only 89 cents a loaf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You two made such a fantastic meal. I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose Nylund: I made dessert!
Blanche Devereaux: Damn!
Rose Nylund: What you say Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Yum. I said yum
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, is this another one of those Scandanavian viking concoctions?
Rose Nylund: Yes! It's called Geneukenfleuken cake. An ancient recipe but I amercanised it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So one might say you brought "Geneukenfleuken" into the 80s?
Rose Nylund: Yes. But I'm not one to blow my own vetugenfluken.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't even reach mine.

"The Golden Girls: Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser (#6.26)" (1991)
Sophia Petrillo: Turkey Lurkey was your nickname in high school.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It was not.
Sophia Petrillo: Really? That's what they called you at the PTA meetings.

"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Choice (#4.22)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: I know, girls. Let's make a pact, that we'll always take care of each other, that we'll never desert each other, no matter what.
Blanche Devereaux: You can count on me, honey.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Do you think it's gonna be that easy getting rid of me, Rose?
[Rose looks worried]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That was rhetorical, Rose. But what a comforting thought, knowing you'll never be alone.
Blanche Devereaux: And listen, what the hell? If we do go to a nursing home, let's all go together.
Rose Nylund: But what happens when there's only one of us left?

"The Golden Girls: Nothing to Fear, But Fear Itself (#3.5)" (1987)
Rose: [Rose comes in sobbing] The mail's here.
Blanche: Honey, what's wrong?
Rose: I just got a letter.
Blanche: It's bad news!
Dorothy: Oh, that's eerie - I had the same feeling.

"The Golden Girls: Before and After (#2.15)" (1987)
Dorothy: [about Rose] This death trip is probably harder on her than it is on us.
Blanche: What do you mean harder on her? We're the ones doing everything around here while she's out there...eating life!
Sophia: I ate Life once, not a bad cereal...when we run out of the shredded wheat, let's give it another go.
Dorothy: Ma, why don't you go back to bed?
Sophia: Maybe I'll have some shredded wheat now, that way we'll get to the Life sooner.