Dorothy Zbornak
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Quotes for
Dorothy Zbornak (Character)
from "The Golden Girls" (1985)

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"The Golden Girls: The Case of the Libertine Belle (#7.2)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Kendall is sitting down with Posey MacGlinn. She is my main rival for that assistants job. Oh, look at the shameless way she's flirting with him. Disgusting!
Rose Nylund: You flirted with him.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm from the South. Flirting is part of my heritage.
Rose Nylund: What does that mean?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Her mother was a slut, too.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Perhaps. But they are both murderers.
Sophia Petrillo: Sit down, Dorothy. Don't make a fool of yourself.
Marlowe: You care to explain?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: In the first place, it is unlikely that Gloria murdered her father. Statistics show that patricide is overwhelmingly a male crime, although daughters frequently murder their mothers!

Gloria: When Kendall told her the truth, she flew into a jealous rage! She plunged the steak knife into his chest! That tramp murdered my lover!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know Blanche Devereaux, Lieutenant, and this tramp is incapable of committing murder!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I think I see now how it happened: Last evening at dinner, when Miss MacGlinn saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...
Sophia Petrillo: Big deal. I took a whole place set.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Not NOW, Ma!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche are you kidding? I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. Sam Spade and Philip Marlow have become a part of me... "She had more curves than the Monaco grand prix and was twice as dangerous. Her jewelry was mute testimony that Charlie Chaplin wasn't the only tramp who hit it big in this town."
Sophia Petrillo: You do this on first dates don't you Dorothy?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: When a 22 year-old girl marries a man who is 88, chances are, she's not after his body.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [comes up behind Sophia and holds a knife at her throat] A throat... a throat is almost always cut from behind.
Sophia Petrillo: Not part of the show, people! Not part of the show!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Being right handed, I would slash from left to right, but since the knife was found to the left of the victim, we can deduce that the murderer is left handed. Notice that Gloria like most left handed people wears her wristwatch on her right wrist!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Alright, Rose, give me your mirror.
Rose Nylund: What for?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Every morning I hold a mirror under Ma's nose, if it fogs up, I start the coffee.
[holds it under Kendall's nose]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No breath... he really is dead!

Sophia Petrillo: Come on, Dorothy, you can figure this out, just like you solved the mystery downstairs at dinner.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh Ma, that was a game, this is life!
Sophia Petrillo: Oh yeah, you've never been good at life.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Try to figure out who are the real guests, and who are actors pretending to be guests, that'll make it much easier later on.
Rose Nylund: Okay Dorothy... if that's your real name.
[goes past Gloria's table]
Rose Nylund: How's that coffee?
Gloria: [points to her cup] Terrific!
Rose Nylund: [under her breath] Actor!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The hotel security cordoned off the room, so the only ones who saw it after the murder, other than you and your staff, were the waiter, the hotel manager, and the four of us.
Vaczy: So?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So when Miss MacGlinn was reconstructing the murder, she describe Blanche's dress being slung over the bed!
Vaczy: It was, I saw it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: But Miss MacGlinn could ONLY have seen it if she'd been there PRIOR to the murder!

Rose Nylund: You know, back in Minnesota I was known as Sherlock Holmes of St Olaf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Figured out which one was Shinola, did you, Rose?
Rose Nylund: The hard way.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Being right handed, I would slash from left to right. But from the fact that murder weapon was dropped to the left of the victim, we can deduce that the murderer is left handed. Notice that Gloria, like most left handed people, wears her wristwatch on her right wrist. I think it is painfully clear that Philip and Gloria both planned murders and each meant to pin it on the other. They knew that the lights would be turned off when the cake appeared because that happens every year. Coincidence? Ha! Siblings often think alike.
Lt. Alvarez: You've given us a who, a how... and a ha.

"The Golden Girls: The Engagement (#1.1)" (1985)
Dorothy: [First ever lines] I taught a class today - the finest school in Dade County. Three girls had shaved heads and two boys had green hair.
Coco: They're expressing themselves.
Dorothy: Well I expressed myself - I told them they had to leave they were too ugly to look at. Now the parents are mad. A man in a three piece suit came in and defended Tiffany - a bald girl with a nose ring.

Sophia: [Dorothy opens the door, Sophia's first lines] Hi there.
Dorothy: Ma! What're you doing here?
Sophia: Everyone is fine no one died, the home burnt down.
Dorothy: My God - are you all right? How did you get here?
Sophia: I hitched!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: A cab - I took a cab.
Dorothy: Well you should have called.
Sophia: I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself, I don't need help - I'm a very indapendent person!
Dorothy: I know! I know!
Sophia: I need $67.00 for the cab.
Dorothy: $67.00? Ma, ma - this is crazy the home is 15 minutes from here.
Sophia: My cab driver is Cuban, he says there's an additional tax fee for a bilingual driver.

Sophia: [Late at night, Sophia walks into the living room] Oh its you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did we wake you?
Sophia: I heard voices, I thought there were robbers, so I hid my jewels. Now I can't remember where.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have any jewels!
Sophia: Thank God because I can't find them.

Blanche: [Blanche's first ever lines] Dorothy, can I borrow your mink stole?
Dorothy: It's Miami in June - only cat's are wearing fur!
Rose Nylund: Are you going out?
Dorothy: No, she's going to sit here where its 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

Rose Nylund: [Dicussing sleep] Charlie on the other hand moves all night long - his side of the bed looks like a murder took place.
Dorothy: Rose, Charlie is dead.
Coco: Why tell her?
Dorothy: Coco, its been 15 years.
Rose Nylund: I know he's dead - I'm not crazy. I just like to speak of him in the present tense, sometimes, it makes him seem closer.
Coco: That's fine Rose, you do that!
Dorothy: Sure Rose - set a place at the table!

Blanche: I just wonder what my husband, George, would make of me and Harry.
Dorothy: Well, if he was alive he probably would not like it. But since he's dead I don't think it poses a problem.
Blanche: Well, I just want him to know I'm happy, but I could never be as happy with Harry in the same way - as I was with him.
Rose Nylund: He knows, Blanche, he knows. Your thoughts and feelings go right to him, you can communicate directly from your heart, can't you, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh don't ask me - I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.

Dorothy: What am I doing up? I'm substituting for a teacher who was shot by one of the students. I need all the sleep I can get.

Sophia: The fancy man and I have a date at the dog track.
Blanche: Your mother bets?
Dorothy: No, races, she's a dog jockey.

Blanche: I can't eat anything with eyes.
Rose Nylund: I can't eat anything that moves.
Dorothy: Like what, Rose, horses?
Rose Nylund: Like oysters.
Coco: Oysters don't move.
Dorothy: Coco they could dance! Who cares?
Rose Nylund: Oysters move! Very slowly, you have to watch them.

Dorothy: Ma, the cab driver said you promised him a $67 tip!
Sophia: Don't be ridiculous, I said a 6-7 dollar tip. Why don't these people learn English if they're going to live here? I could have less trouble getting around Ecuador!

Rose Nylund: We were all so lonely and then by a miracle we found each other.
Dorothy: Rose, we both answered an ad to share Blanche's house that we found in the supermarket. It was not the resurrection. It is hardly a miracle.
Rose Nylund: To me it was, because we're happy.

"The Golden Girls: On Golden Girls (#1.6)" (1985)
Rose Nylund: This is like "The Long Day's Journey Into Light".
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: "Night", Rose.
Rose Nylund: 'Night, Dorothy.
[goes off to bed]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma I do not snore.
Sophia Petrillo: Please I had to roll you over so you wouldn't inhale the drapes.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know, we haven't slept together since I was a little girl.
Sophia Petrillo: Thank God.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I used to get into your bed whenever I had that dream about the bear.
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, the bear dream.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I hated that dream.
Sophia Petrillo: A bear is eating you, what's to love? You were so cute, you were always so polite when you woke me.
[deep voice]
Sophia Petrillo: Mommy, I'm having a bad dream, can I come in?

Sophia Petrillo: [coughs] Dorothy, do you have a cough drop?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: A hard candy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: A Tic-Tac?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Does it say K-Mart on the back of my nightgown?
Sophia Petrillo: As a matter of fact it does, you cheapskate.

Blanche Devereaux: Whatever will we do with him for two weeks?
Rose Nylund: Oh there are plenty of things to do down here. We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquariam, the Everglades, Rambo.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rambo?
Rose Nylund: The movie, with Sly Stallone.
Sophia Petrillo: I sat through it twice, you'll love it, he sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on.

David: Why should I stay here when I have all this crappy stuff to do? And nobody likes me anyway.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know first of all buddy boy, life is FULL of crappy stuff to do; it's everywhere so you better get used to it, the president has crappy stuff to do. Second of all your grandmother happens to like you, my mother likes you, she doesn't hit anyone unless she really cares, take it from me, and I like you.

David: You know this really stinks, what am I supposed to do for the next two weeks? Just sit around and listen to your arteries harden?
Blanche Devereaux: [gasps] David, you stop that.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know something, I'm having a real problem with your attitude.
David: Oh yeah? Well you can all just kiss my attitude.
[Sophia hits him, applause from the audience]

Blanche Devereaux: I don't see how doing all these chores is going to make him feel loved.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look Blanche, the one thing David has never had in his life is structure. Now doing chores will give him a little responsibility, he might even start feeling good about himself.
Blanche Devereaux: And start hating me if I make him do all this.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now look Blanche, you do what is best for David, not what is easiest for you.

Blanche Devereaux: [Rose talks about boys and girls having chores on the farm] But you grew up in the country, David's a city boy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh come on Blanche, I'm from New York, I did chores: I made the beds, I washed the dishes, scoured the pots, cleaned the bathroom, folded the laundry, took out the garbage.
Sophia Petrillo: My my, did you attend a military school?
Blanche Devereaux: No, she lived with me!

Blanche Devereaux: I guess when I was little I didn't have to do anything. And I raised my daughter the same way, so that's why David is the way he is now, so it's all my fault.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh now Blanche you can't blame yourself for David.
Blanche Devereaux: You're right, it's my mother's fault, I'm going to give him this list and see that he gets started right away.

Blanche Devereaux: [on the phone with Janet] If you don't straighten up and give that boy the love and attention he deserves, I will kick your upty butt till hell won't have it again!
[hangs up]
Blanche Devereaux: She'll call us right back, she has to wake the Yankee.
Rose Nylund: Well done, Blanche!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh absolutely, nice bluff.
Blanche Devereaux: That was no bluff, I meant every word of it. I'd love the chance to raise David, I might make up for the mistake I made with Janet.

"The Golden Girls: Ladies of the Evening (#2.2)" (1986)
[Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose have been arrested and locked in a police cell after being mistaken for prostitutes - just when they were about to attend a party hosted by Burt Reynolds]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This has to be the biggest disappointment of my life!
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Rose Nylund: Yeah. And I've known some real disappointments too, believe me!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you're not going to tell us the story about the exploding pig again, are you?
Rose Nylund: I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it's hard to keep track.
Blanche Devereaux: So, what was this great disappointment in your life, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Butter. I wanted to be butter queen!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, yeah. What an actress. She was so good in "Gone with the Wind." I wanted to be Miss Olivia de Havilland myself.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, are you listening to this?
Blanche Devereaux: Bits and pieces.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, thank God you're here!
Sophia Petrillo: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, we're innocent!
Sophia Petrillo: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

[the girls have been picked up for prostitution and are in a holding cell. One of the "working girls" takes offense at something Blanche says, and Dorothy steps in to save the situation]
Dorothy: Hey you punk... you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me but I warn you I did time in Attica.
Hooker #3: Attica's a *men's* prison!
Dorothy: I know. I was there a year before they found out.
Hooker #3: [backing down] Sorry, chief. Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.
Blanche: Dorothy, that was magnificent, how did you do that?
Dorothy: I taught in the public school system. It's really not that different.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well?
Exterminator: Your infestation profile is threefold. You have silverfish and waterbugs in the drainage areas, and under the baseboard structure you have blateria andropoulous.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Did you hear that, Rose? The President of Greece lives under our baseboards.
Exterminator: Blateria andropoulous is a cockroach.
Rose Nylund: Maybe he'll be voted out in the next election.

Rose Nylund: There's a story in the paper about the party tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: Really?
Rose Nylund: You won't believe who's gonna be there. Dom DeLuise.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
Rose Nylund: Loni Anderson.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
[Absolutely no reaction from Blanche and Dorothy. She tries again]
Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Unimpressed] Wow. Who else?
Rose Nylund: John Forsythe.
Blanche Devereaux: [Breathless with anticipation, she speaks faster and faster, twisting the newspaper in her hands] Mr. John Forsythe. Oh my God! He's just the sexiest man in television. And Burt Reynolds is the sexiest man in the movies. Oh, I cannot believe this. All that manliness in one room. In one crowded room. One hot, crowded room. Everybody's steamy bodies pressed up against each other...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche. Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. You're about to set off the smoke detector.

Rose Nylund: [Answers the phone] Hello. What? I'm one of the winners of the Publisher's Clearing House? Ed McMahon wants to see me right away? I should leave my Burt Reynolds ticket on the dresser before I go?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Realization dawns and she races to the door connecting their two hotel rooms] Ma, get off the phone!
Sophia Petrillo: [off screen] Mind your own business!
Rose Nylund: [Turns to the girls and waves them over] Guess what?
[She nods sagely]
Rose Nylund: I think this is Sophia.

Rose Nylund: [Horrified, her voice gets faster, louder and filled with terror as she speaks] I've never *been* in jail. I won't make it. They *always* prey on the weak and innocent. The others will taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry. I'll fall in with a bad crowd whose leader looks like Ethel Merman. And I'll be forced to engineer a daring prison break using my laundry cart! From that time on, I won't know a moment's peace. I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid, and I'll run from town to town, taking jobs that people have who get bad grades in school! And then one day they'll find me, holed up in a little shack in the Louisiana bayou. And a sheriff named Bull will call my name out over a megaphone, and when I make a run for it, he'll riddle my body with bullets! Oh, *please* don't let them take me down town. I wanna live! I wanna live!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're not very good in a crisis, are you, Rose?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Officer.
The Policeman: [Hands on hips, oozing with jaded skepticism known only by veteran detectives] Now what can I do for the senior statesman of the group?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Trying to laugh it off] I'll let that pass because you have the upper hand.

Burt Reynolds: Hello.
[the girls are shocked to see Burt Reynolds at their door]
Burt Reynolds: Sophia around?
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, hi, Burt!
Burt Reynolds: How about a little lunch?
Sophia Petrillo: Listen, if you're buyin', how about a big lunch?
Burt Reynolds: Great.
Blanche Devereaux: My god. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on.
[to Sophia]
Burt Reynolds: These the roommates you told me about?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah.
Burt Reynolds: Which one's the slut?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund: I am!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [the girls have just been told the house has termites] What do you have to do to get rid of them?
Exterminator: The next step is to ascertain the condition of your exterior. For this I need to perform a cursory inspection of your subterraneal substructure.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean crawl under the house.
Exterminator: Anybody can make it sound stupid.

"The Golden Girls: The Operation (#1.18)" (1986)
Bonnie: [In hospital, Dorothy is very nervous about surgery on her foot. Bonnie, the lady in the bed next to her, is exercising] I hope my exercising doesn't bother you.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No not at all. What is it some kind of therapy you have to do?
Bonnie: No - I just like to stay healthy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, I hate to break this to you, Bonnie, but you're in a hospital the exercises aren't working.
Bonnie: Surgery today, huh?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yes. And I might as well warn you I am the best patient in the whole world.
Bonnie: Oh I can put up with it for one night. And then tomorrow it is my turn in the operating room.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're having surgery too?
Bonnie: Yep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And you're smiling?
Bonnie: I've had this procedure before, the first time I was as nervous as you are. This time I know what to expect.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're having the same operation, again? I mean, don't they get it right around here the first time.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh no, its nothing like that. About three years ago I had a mastectomy and - now I'm in for another.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And you're not scared?
Bonnie: I'm petrified. No one's that brave accept in the movies and on television. But at least this time I know what I'm facing. I've gone through all the steps before. I have considered the alternatives... dealt with the reality. The last time - I think I cried the moment the doctor told me and I didn't stop until they wheeled me off to surgery. And later, I cried because there was so much pain I didn't think it would ever go away, but it did. And it will again. You get through it. You go on. When it comes right down to it what other choice do we have? It could have been a lot worse I could have missed out on these last three years.
[Dorothy is teary eyed and silent]
Bonnie: Dorothy, are you alright?... How'd you feel?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Like a fool. Like a damn fool.

Nurse: The doctors will be in to prep you for surgery in about an hour, until then just relax.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: There aren't enough drugs in this entire building.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How much longer is this going to take? I'm tired of being poked, prodded and probed. More men have seen my backside in one day than in my entire life.

Blanche Devereaux: [sees Dorothy outside] Dorothy?
[goes over to sliding door]
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, what in the hell are you doing out there?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Uh checking the sprinkler system. Looks good, goodnight.

Blanche Devereaux: I think this is a lovely hospital room, don't you think it's lovely, Rose?
Rose Nylund: It's very lovely... I just can't help but think of how many people have never left this room.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Where are they, Rose, hiding in the shower?
Sophia Petrillo: She means a lot of people probably croaked in here.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know what she means, but I don't need to hear it the night before my operation.

Sophia Petrillo: I'm just here for moral support.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I already got plenty of that from my roommate.
[turns over and finds Bonnie's bed empty]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh she's gone! And I never thanked her.
Sophia Petrillo: Relax, she's not the Lone Ranger, she'll be back, I sent her to the cafeteria to get me a sandwich.

Rose Nylund: I'll never forget the things I saw the one summer I worked as a candy striper: misplaced patients, mixed up medications, botched operations...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, do a big ugly man with a limp a favor and shut up.

Sophia Petrillo: So Dorothy, you don't want to go back to the hospital?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: You don't want the doctor to operate?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: Fine, then we'll do it here. Blanche, boil some water and clear the table. Rose, sharpen my Ginzu knife. Dorothy, pick out a shoe you'd like to bite on.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You're not serious!
Sophia Petrillo: No, I'm only being as ridiculous as you.

Sophia Petrillo: Do you have any idea how much it hurts a mother to see her child in pain? Worse than the 22 hours of labor...
Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: It took to bring you into this world. Worse than the burns I got working nights as a fry cook to put you through college. Worse than...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Alright Ma, I'll have the surgery, you win, but you don't play fair.
Sophia Petrillo: That's why I always win.

"The Golden Girls: That's for Me to Know (#7.4)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: All right, everybody, just write down who you think ought to leave.
Rose Nylund: Well, you know this is a waste of time. I'm just going to write down myself.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't tell us that! No, maybe we should do this. It's the fairest way.
Rose Nylund: All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.
Blanche Devereaux: [collects the ballots] Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies...
[reads the ballots one by one]
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy.
Sophia Petrillo: Well, that's it. Let's eat. I'm starved.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Wait a minute! How did this happen?
Sophia Petrillo: We all voted for you.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I- I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.
Blanche Devereaux: I guess that would hurt.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: IT DOES-S-S!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Now if we want to stay together we're going to have to raise $10,000.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I don't see why I have to raise any money. I didn't create this problem. I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.
Rose Nylund: She's talking about me, isn't she?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, Rose. She's talking about Spike Lee.
Rose Nylund: Don't get smart with me, Dorothy, just because you're out $10,000.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Me?
Rose Nylund: Face facts. I mean, we were already roommates when you brought your mother in. So eiher pay up or Sophia should move out.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, thank you very much! But if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold, it's going to be me.

Rose Nylund: I am the smartest woman in the whole world!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And I am the Pygmy queen!

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, you ninny! This says I'm going to convert my home into a half-way house for recently released convicts!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're right, Rose, you are the smartest woman in the world: Burger World.

Sophia Petrillo: The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli, he was my first husband from a previous marriage that I later had annulled.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And?
Sophia Petrillo: And I shot him just to watch him die, what do you mean 'and'?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: So why'd you leave, what, you didn't love him?
Sophia Petrillo: Na, he was a workaholic. And he was going to inherit the family business.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What was that?
Sophia Petrillo: Getting even.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, what's in that box?
Sophia Petrillo: Mexican jumping beans.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Sorry, *Hispanic* jumping beans.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The box! Rose, where did you find it?
Rose Nylund: Well I was just under my bed playing, and then there it was.

Sophia Petrillo: I went against a centuries' old tradition, you don't leave an arranged marriage. I disgraced my whole family!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I think I'm beginning to understand, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Good, then you'll have the decency to lie about it if anyone asks.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm afraid not, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Don't do this, Dorothy, don't do something we'll both regret.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm sorry, Ma, it all has to go on the record.
[clicks on recorder]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: In 1920, your great grandmother single handedly dragged her family into the Women's Rights Movement, by refusing to be thought of as property and instead demanding to marry the man she loved. In order to do that she had to give up everything she'd ever known.

Sophia Petrillo: Land! I'm a land owner, and it only took me 80 years! I'll be planting soon!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!

"The Golden Girls: The Audit (#3.10)" (1987)
[Dorothy is in dire financial straits following an audit and needs to raise $2500 in a month]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: ...I'm just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia Petrillo: Hold it! No daughter of mine is "Selling her stuff". It's immoral. It's a sin. And let's face it Dorothy, lately you can't give it away!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, I'm talking about selling some of my belongings!

Stan Zbornak: They could put us in jail!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Good! I want you to go to jail, and I want a big bald inmate named Bubba to pick you for his girlfriend!

Stan Zbornak: [bawling] Oh my God, we're going to jail Dorothy!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's right, Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba are registered for your china.

Rose Nylund: Norweigans are notoriously bad at Spanish.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I guess that's why there are no herring tacos.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Stan's carrying a trash bag] Hello Stan, so nice of you to bring garbage.
Stan Zbornak: This is all of our receipts from five years ago, our entire future is in this bag.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How appropriate.

Rose Nylund: I can't get my promotion unless I become bilingual.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh no! Honey don't do that, no job is worth having to date women!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche! Bilingual means someone who speaks more than one language!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh!
Blanche Devereaux: And here I thought it was something sexual.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I can't pawn this ring! Stan bought it for me. It means so much to me.
Blanche Devereaux: He also left you for a 28 year-old stewardess with firm thighs and perky breasts!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to the clerk at the pawn shop] You have yourself a ring!

Sophia Petrillo: What's going on in here?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, Stan bought a Corvette without telling me!
Sophia Petrillo: So what? Your father used to do things without telling me all the time! How do you think I got pregnant with your brother, Phil?

"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's Prized Pupil (#2.21)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: What kind of movie is this?
Man in Theatre: Rip his throat out!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's a musical, Rose.

Blanche Devereaux: [watching the movie] I want to get a better look at this guy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He's in a loin cloth, covered in oil, what more is there to see?
Blanche Devereaux: I don't know but I'm going to move down to the front row and find out.

Rose Nylund, Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Surprise!
Sophia: [coming in] Louder next time, my heart's still beating!
Rose Nylund: We thought you were Mario.
Sophia: You'll have to yell louder than that to kill him.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking to Mario on a movie theatre] You know, a lot of people come to America to start a new life. You're looking at one. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Came to America, started a new career, married a Kennedy. Right now, he's tearing off a man's arm and hitting him with it.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [watching the movie] WHOA! Sorry Mario. I never realized that ripping a man's nose off his face would leave a hole that big.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What the hell is a weedenfrugen?
Rose Nylund: Veedenfrugen.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I read somewhere that in America, you always felt that you were among friends.
Mario: That was just a story.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I think it's a true story.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [reading Mario's essay] In America, you always felt that you were among friends.

"The Golden Girls: Feelings (#6.6)" (1990)
Kevin Kelly: Oh, no. You're not a substitute nurse too, are you?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm sorry about your knee. You know, you wouldn't have been blindsided if you'd stayed in the pocket.
Kevin Kelly: You know football?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know everything. Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast.
Kevin Kelly: Uh, yeah, some of the guys from the team. Are you signing it?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Correcting it. There is no K in victory. Oh yeah, and we'll just change this to 'Ms. Zbornak eats shiitake mushrooms.'
Kevin Kelly: Listen, if you're feeling guilty about not influencing my life, don't. People have been trying to get me to be serious for years.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: We made a deal. You promised me that I could tutor you once football season was over, and it looks like it is.
Kevin Kelly: Yeah, but this isn't exactly fair; I can't move.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, I know, I know. It'll be like teaching fish in a barrel.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I do not enjoy failing anybody, not even this kid, but he's just lazy. In his book report on A Tale of Two Cities he said he liked them both, but he prefers Minneapolis because that is where Prince is from!

Rose Nylund: When the nitrous oxide wore off, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat but I think he was checking out more than that if you get my drift.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why do you say that, Rose?
Rose Nylund: I don't think wowie-wow-wow-wow is a medical term.
Blanche Devereaux: No! How could he do a thing like that?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Believe me, just because doctors wear white does not mean that they're angels.

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, you threw a priest out of the house, you disgust me.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you have relatives who've thrown priests out of windows.
Sophia Petrillo: That was business!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche is telling us about Freud.
Sophia Petrillo: What're you asking her for? I'm the one who slept with him.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia this is serious, according to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgin, she could take her hostility out on us.
Sophia Petrillo: Tunnels, he loved to drive through tunnels!

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, you're home from school already!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, do you realize you've said those exact words to me ever since I was in the 3rd grade? That's sweet.
Sophia Petrillo: It's not sweet, 50 years you never stopped off any place? Get a life, Dorothy!

Sophia Petrillo: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out of the house.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you have relatives who threw priests out of windows.
Sophia Petrillo: That was different, that was business!

"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding: Part 1 (#4.6)" (1988)
Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise. A Genuine Elvis artifact.
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop.
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outta the club.

Blanche: [having kicked Dorothy out of the Elvis club] Well I... I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.
Dorothy: ...I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis-fan-club... I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life... I mean there must be a support group for people like me.

Dorothy: ...And if you see Max, I don't want you making another scene - like you did at the funeral!
Sophia Petrillo: Scene? What scene? It's not my fault the klutz tripped over my foot and nearly fell into an open grave!
Dorothy: You didn't have to yell 'start shovelling boys!' as he tried to get up.

Rose: ...I was always kind of the Gypsy of the family - the rebel! I wanted to see the world - that's why, after High School, I went to St. Gustaf University to study Latin.
Dorothy: I didn't know you studied Latin?
Rose: First in my class!
Rose: Ororthy Day!

Max Weinstock: [informing the gay caterer the wedding is cancelled because of Dorothy] She doesn't approve.
Caterer: She doesn't approve? Now look here, stretch. I have a hundred cheese puffs and a sensitive assistant both on the verge of collapse. Whatever the problem is, overlook it. My mother did with my marriage.
[Dorothy looks at him]
Caterer: And if you say something smart, I'll slap you silly.
Dorothy: Look if you don't mind, this is a private conversation, so butt out, Rambo.

Dorothy: [Dorothy has just discovered Sophia and Max in bed together] Ma, what is going on here?
Sophia Petrillo: Afterglow.

Dorothy: Ma what's the matter?
Sophia Petrillo: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.
Dorothy: I'm so sorry, what happened?
Sophia Petrillo: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. She was 88!
Rose: Well it's great that she was able to work right up till the end.

"The Golden Girls: Sisters and Other Strangers (#5.21)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking about sisters] When I was a little girl I had this doll, Mrs. Dolittle, and Gloria was not supposed to touch...
Sophia Petrillo: Do we have to hear that damn Mrs. Dolittle story again? So your sister broke your doll, it was over 50 years ago.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It was very traumatic. It was my favorite doll.
Rose Nylund: I have a sister story...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And she didn't just break it, she fixed it so the eyes would never close again. She made Mrs. Doolittle look like a morphine addict!

Magda: What's to happen? Now that there is freedom in my country my people will read these books and be confused.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: These books represent different ideas. While you're here there are two books I want you to read. The first one is Thomas Paine's Common Sense, I think you'll realize what I'm trying to say. The other is Vanna White's autobiography.
Magda: Why should I read that?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's just a hell of a book.

Sophia Petrillo: If you need me I'll be in the bitter children of celebrities section.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't get lost.

Magda: Now the way it was we knew what to do. When there is one road no one gets lost.
Rose Nylund: Not so, back in St. Olaf...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, is this a story about getting lost?
Rose Nylund: Yes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well don't tell us, show us.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking about her favorite doll] And how did Mrs. Doolittle's hair get singed? Did it herself? I think not!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I would kill my sister if she ever wrote about my sex life.
Sophia Petrillo: You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?

"The Golden Girls: Mixed Blessings (#3.23)" (1988)
Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, of African American decent] What is this a revival of Raisins in the Sun?
Michael Zbornak: Grandma, this is my fiancé, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.
Sophia Petrillo: Wait-wait-wait-wait... This is your fiancé?
Michael Zbornak: Yep, that's right.
Sophia Petrillo: You couldn't find someone your own age?
Greta: What is that supposed to mean?
Sophia Petrillo: No offense, but it looks as though you're daughter's been around the block more times then a good humour man!
Greta: [Turns to her sister] Hold my purse - those are fighting words!
Rose Nylund: Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John?'
Greta: Is she for real?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yep - frightening isn't it?

Rose Nylund: [as she and Dorothy look at her reflection after a makeover] Oh my god I look awful! Oh Dorothy - its you!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry - I forgot it was a full-moon.

Rose Nylund: Are you nervous because you haven't met Michael's fiance?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose. I'm nervous because if Sonny Bono gets elected Mayor of Palm Springs, he's going to make all the postman wear leather bell bottoms and a fur vest.

Rose Nylund: [Dorothy is unhappy with her son marrying an older, African-American woman] The same thing happened to the Bigbotters back in St. Olaf. You see Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Bigbotter didn't approve - he did his best to keep them apart. But, one day he came home, early, and found Gretchen and Buddy in... how will I say it... most indelicate situation.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What did he do?
Rose Nylund: Well he yelled at them to stop - but they wouldn't so he turned the hose on them!
Blanche Devereaux: He turned the hose on them?
Rose Nylund: Well they were in the front yard!
[Blanche gasps]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Wait - wait - wait a minute, Rose. Buddy and Gretchen - weren't people were they?
Rose Nylund: Of course not - they were dogs! Gretchen was a Dalmation and Buddy was a Schnauzer - and Mr. Bigbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of Schnalmations!
Blanche Devereaux: ...You know, Rose, sometimes I wished somebody had turned the hose on your parents.

Rose Nylund: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Better than anybody I know.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age. What could a woman in her forties possibly have in common with a boy in his twenties?
Blanche Devereaux: Sex! At twenty, a man is at his peak and a woman in her forties is also at her peak so when the two come together HOT DAMN!

"The Golden Girls: The One That Got Away (#4.3)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [Rose sees Dorothy looking through binoculars] What are you doing, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh... looking up at the stars... pondering the universe.
Rose Nylund: I've been doing the same thing... thinking how wonderful it would be if there really were aliens... maybe it'd be just like Cocoon... they'd take us away... and we'd never grown old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: See, I don't know. I like my life. I mean - I'm not president or anything, I'm just a teacher... a substitute teacher... a divorced substitute teacher... who can't even afford her own place to live - BEAM ME UP!

[Major Barker is visiting the house, looking into Rose's report of seeing a UFO]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose is the only one here who thinks she saw a UFO.
Major Barker: I understand, Miss Zbornak. By the way is that Miss Zbornak or Mrs? I'm hoping it's Miss.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, yes!
[slinks over and sits next to him on the couch]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: As a matter of fact it is!
Major Barker: Good! I've already got that box checked on this form.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, there is no such thing as a U.F.O.
Rose Nylund: They were probably looking for someone to bring up to the ship.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, then you stay out here, flag them down if they fly by again. I'll go inside and pack a bag.
Rose Nylund: But I want to be the one to go!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Whose bag do you think I'm going to pack?

Blanche Devereaux: [laughing and humming, as in ecstasy, while eating cookies] Ha, ha, ha... hmmm, hmmm... oooh... mmm, mmm.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, are you in a good mood?
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you always could see right through me.
Sophia Petrillo: Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy and Superman couldn't see right through you.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Ham just rang the doorbell] Blanche, will you calm down? I have never seen you so worked up over one date.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, I let this gorgeous man slip though my fingers once before, I don't intend to let it happen again.
Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia opens the door for Ham, an overweight bald man] You couldn't let him slip through your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What we saw was not a UFO.
Rose Nylund: Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin or that bright.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.

"The Golden Girls: Room Seven (#7.10)" (1991)
Sophia Petrillo: I was living for the day!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You were MOONING a chain gang!
Sophia Petrillo: And did you see the looks on their faces? They probably haven't seen a woman in years.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Come to think of it, they did keep up through four warning shots.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [trying to get Blanche to come downstairs] You were right, Blanche! These naked southern guys sure can dance!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, what're you doing?
Blanche Devereaux: [handcuffs herself to the radiator] If they're going to BLOW this place up they're gonna do it with ME in it!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looks out the window, and up] Ma! Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Just living for the day, pussycat! I never jumped into a haystack before!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Geronimo!
[jumps off the ledge]
Blanche Devereaux: Is she okay?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah I think so, Rose broke her fall. ROSE, are you alright?
Rose Nylund: Charlie? Charlie is that you?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh great! ANOTHER one who hears voices!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How long do you think you can stay handcuffed?
Blanche Devereaux: My personal best is 38 hours... of course then I had somebody to play with.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I want you to rail against it, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: I said I wasn't afraid to die anymore, I didn't say I was ready to die. You don't have to believe this, Pussycat, but stop trying to take it away from me.

"The Golden Girls: Blanche Delivers (#6.1)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [In response to Sophia making jokes about her birth] Ma, you know you're really hurting my feelings.
Sophia Petrillo: Not as much as you hurt my oonie.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: MA!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, listen! You don't have to do anything to please your parents!
Sophia Petrillo: She's right. I'd like to be proud of Dorothy for something but I'm not going to kill myself if that day never comes.
Rose Nylund: But my parents called me Twinkletoes.
Sophia Petrillo: I called Dorothy Bigfoot. That doesn't mean she has to make tracks all over the Northwest.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What Ma is trying to say is that she loves me for what I am.
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. An over-the-hill schoolteacher who has to wait for the phone to ring to know if she's going to work that day.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh. It doesn't matter what your parents want. Rose, you're never going to make them happy. They're just going to nag you and nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke them but you don't because you're in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!

Rose Nylund: Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes and yes.

Blanche Devereaux: You know, senior ice skating is not a bad idea. I might try entering in 15 or so years when I'm eligible.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Luge is the only sport where you get to lay on your back.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Becky. Is something wrong? What's the matter?
Rebecca Devereaux: I was just wondering what being in labour feels like.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How do you feel right now?
Rebecca Devereaux: If I had any military secrets, I'd talk.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Showtime.

Tamara: [a woman is crying out, giving birth] Sounds like there's a mommy in the making!
Rose Nylund: Sounds like there's a mommy on fire!
Tamara: I'll be right back.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh good, we can sneak out.
Rebecca Devereaux: Mother!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Becky, I have to admit everything is well coordinated here. But honey, wouldn't you be happier in a place where there's less stereo and more...
[another scream]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: morphine?
Rebecca Devereaux: I'm just looking into alternatives. You know, hospitals have a rigid way of doing things.
[another cry]
Rebecca Devereaux: Why is she screaming?
Sophia Petrillo: She's conscious!
Rebecca Devereaux: [another cry] I just want this to be an experience I'll never forget.
[sudden horrific scream]
Tamara: You're in luck. You're about to see one of our deliveries.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: We don't need the whole tour.

"The Golden Girls: Blanche and the Younger Man (#1.9)" (1985)
Rose: Hi Blanche! Gee, you look terrific!
Blanche: Thanks!
[jogs out the door]
Rose: [to Dorothy] Blanche looks terrible!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's because all she eats is wheat grass and bee pollen.
Rose: I know! And the strange thing is the bees look so good!

Rose: I want you all to meet my mother, Mrs. Lindstrom. THIS IS BLANCHE AND THIS IS DOROTHY AND SOPHIA!
Alma Lindstrom: IT WAS JUST FINE!
[to Rose]
Alma Lindstrom: Which one of them is hard of hearing?

Blanche: [a man in his 20s has invited Blanche out to dinner] You know what I think, I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk. I'm gonna go out with him this Saturday night.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Was there ever any doubt?
Blanche: Momentarily. This is strictly off the record but - Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: In what Blanche, dog years?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What are you doing now?
Blanche: I'm taking my bee-pollen and my sheep's liver extract and my fish oil protein. I'm getting younger with each passing day.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Great. When they defrost Walt Disney he'll have someone to go out with.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, where're you going with all that food?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm laying supplies for when Rose's mother gets here, she's on a special diet; I hate those people, you turn your back for 2 seconds, BOOM BOOM, your food's gone. Suddenly anything you're eating is on their diet.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what makes you think Rose's mother is old? She's the same age you are.
Sophia Petrillo: Then why did Rose rent a wheelchair at the airport, order her a special meal on the plane, and put an oxygen tank in the garage?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Maybe her mother is a disabled welder on a special diet.

"The Golden Girls: Scared Straight (#4.9)" (1988)
Sophia Petrillo: I don't get to know?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Okay. Have it your way. But nobody can keep a secret from Sophia Petrillo. Whatever that guy is hiding I can smoke it out of him in three or four quick questions.
Clayton Hollingsworth: [entering the kitchen] Hello, ladies.
Sophia Petrillo: Perfect timing!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: So, Clayton, what do you think of this Miami weather were having?
Clayton Hollingsworth: Oh, it's lovely.
Sophia Petrillo: I see. Have you ever been to Europe?
Clayton Hollingsworth: No. But it's always been a dream of mine.
Sophia Petrillo: Interesting
[holds up 2 fingers]
Sophia Petrillo: How many fingers am I holding up?
Clayton Hollingsworth: Two.
Sophia Petrillo: Fine. You can go back in the living room now.
[Clayton exits]
Sophia Petrillo: The man's as gay as a picnic basket!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, that... that is incredible! How did you know?
Sophia Petrillo: I heard him singing in the shower. He's the only man I ever knew who knows all the words to "Send In the Clowns".

Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia sighs deeply and Dorothy ignores her] Hey! You're not going to ask me what's wrong?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What's wrong, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: I got three days to live.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, Ma, I'll scratch the Bengay off the grocery list.

Sophia Petrillo: I'm dying, Dorothy, Saturday night at 9, don't make any plans.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you're being ridiculous!
Sophia Petrillo: I know! When was the last Saturday night you had plans?

Sophia Petrillo: Hold your hands out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What for?
Sophia Petrillo: So I can say 'hi' like Magic Johnson.
[slaps her ten]

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what're you doing sitting in the dark?
Sophia Petrillo: Conserving energy for those who'll be alive after Saturday.

Rose: I don't feel right even talking about it, maybe if I whisper.
[whispers into Dorothy's ear]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [confused] Clayton is a hobo?
Rose: No, Dorothy!
[whispers again]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh... oh! Now, now I get it!
Rose: Oh thank goodness, for a minute I thought I was going to have to draw you a picture, and I'm not even sure I'd know how!

"The Golden Girls: The Custody Battle (#1.12)" (1985)
Gloria: Dorothy, why don't you ever come to California to visit me?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: It's not easy, you know... I have my job, I have responsibilities, I've never been invited...
Gloria: Well, I'm inviting you now. I have a huge house with servants and an ocean view. And Bert Convy shops in my grocery store.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Bert Convy? Let's leave now!

Gloria: Remember when we were little girls and you used to tell me bedtime stories?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh yeah, the vampire in the closet, the boogey man and the little girl, cannibal parents, I think between the ages of 5 and 7 you got about what, two hours of sleep?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [enters Sophia's bedroom] Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Having a toga party, what's it look like?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Gloria tells about how Sophia praised her all her life] How come Ma never told me about any of this?
Gloria: She did. Remember when Mom and Pop had to go out, who did they always leave in charge?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Me.
Gloria: And you know why?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, because Phil played with matches.
Gloria: No, Dorothy, because she trusted you.

Blanche Devereaux: [about her audition for MacBeth] I've got this part in the sack.
Rose Nylund: She means in the bag.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No Rose, I don't think so.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, aren't you forgetting something?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh no, I never wear underwear.

"The Golden Girls: A Midwinter Night's Dream (#7.19)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: Anything can happen on a leap year's full moon if you just believe.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [clapping] Oh I do believe, I do believe in sluts!

Sophia Petrillo: Leap year, full moon, the curse!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Come on Ma, it's the 90s. Call it what it is: our monthly visitor.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [hearing about their village witch] What "village"? I was born in Brooklyn.
Sophia Petrillo: Here's a newsflash, witches can fly.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You invited 15 men and no women.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy I know what you're thinking, but Rose and Sophia will be here, you'll have somebody to talk to.
Sophia Petrillo: No fair, I had to talk to her the last time.

Rose: Men would rather pay for cupcakes.
Dorothy: Now, listen here, you little Swedish meatball! I... wait. You're actually talking about cupcakes aren't you?
Rose: You bet I'm talking about cupcakes. What were you talking about?
Dorothy: Nothing...
Rose: Wait a minute... Have you and Miles been... baking together?
Dorothy: No, of course not. I'd never do that to you.
Rose: Good.
[she picks up a coffee mug]
Rose: Because if I catch Miles with another woman in my kitchen, I'd...
[she angrily breaks it with her bare hand]

Blanche Devereaux: [angrily] Ooh I hate him, God do I hate him! Not only did he steal my necklace, but he betrayed my trust! Oh please, God, let him get caught, let him go to jail. Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.

"The Golden Girls: Mother Load (#7.6)" (1991)
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I'm making dinner. What would you like to eat?
Sophia: A nice, thick T-bone steak, corn on the cob, and pecan pie for dessert. Now ask me what I can chew!
Dorothy: I'll start soaking the corn flakes now.

Dorothy: Put the marriage back together? You told me we were coming here for closure!
Dr. Halperin: Stan, I'm confused. Is this true?
Stan Zbornak: Doc, we're both men. Let's not do this to each other.
Dr. Halperin: Stanley.
Stan Zbornak: Okay, okay. I lied, but so what? You never have?
Dorothy: Only once, Stanley. The night I told you it was good for me, too.
Dr. Halperin: [laughs] And you said she didn't have a sense of humor.

Dr. Halperin: Now, Stan, what you have to do is ask yourself, why would you want to be with a woman who so clearly doesn't want to be around you?
Dorothy: Well, I think I can answer that, Doctor. There's no other kind!

Rose Nylund: [her colleague, Jerry Kennedy, the local TV station's news anchor is coming to the house] Boy, the timing of Jerry's visit works out perfectly for me. See, his birthday is in two weeks and the office is giving him a surprise roast. So I have to come up with one or two things I can kid him about. I can get away with it, because he considers me a good friend.
Dorothy: Well, then, why not tease him about his taste in friends.

Millicent Kennedy: How do you do. I'm Millicent Kennedy, Gerald's mother... I'm looking for the cheap Jezebel that's ruining my Gerald's life.
Dorothy: Blanche, company!

Dorothy: [Blanche comes into the house moaning after a date] Why do I feel the need to bathe?
Rose Nylund: So, how was it, Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, you might as well ask me to describe the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.
Dorothy: [interpreting] They went to a sleazy motel.
Blanche Devereaux: Or the colors of the monarch butterfly, spreadin' its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon.
Dorothy: She got him to pay for half the room.
Blanche Devereaux: Or the sturdy cypress, reaching heavenward, tall and mighty and proud.
Dorothy: That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.

"The Golden Girls: Hey, Look Me Over (#7.1)" (1991)
[Rose is preparing to discard the pictures of Charlie in bed with Blanche]
Dorothy: Wait a minute, Rose. Have you seen the rest of these pictures?
Rose: I'd rather not.
Dorothy: Honey, I think there's some mistake. Look, here's Blanche in bed with Charlie, but this one's Blanche in bed with a pontoon boat! Here's Blanche in bed with a big orange from the Sunkist building, and here's Blanche in bed with the Country Bear Jamboree! Honey do you know what this means?
Rose: I sure do!
[to Blanche]
Rose: My god, you're an animal!

Rose: Wait a minute, how come your initials spell B-E-D?
Blanche: Oh that's just my initials, Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell B.E.D.?

[Dorothy is worried about Sophia's possible hearing loss]
Dorothy: Look Ma, I am concerned. You're my mother. Can't you just check it out, please?
Sophia Petrillo: Hee hee hee hee!
Dorothy: What are you laughing at?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm sorry. I thought you said "I'm Mothra, giant radioactive insect. Ree, ree, ree!"

Dorothy: Ma, you didn't hear that. Now face it, you can't hear high frequencies. Why can't you be honest about what's happening to you? Why do you insist on becoming feeble?
Sophia Petrillo: Feeble? Now you listen, Dorothy. I may not have your gift for word jumbles, or your ability to float, or your way of making small children weep...
Dorothy: ...But?
Sophia Petrillo: Or your butt, thank you.

Blanche: This will prove I did not sleep with Charlie.
Dorothy: Or her name isn't B.E.D.

Rose: You expect me to believe that? Come on, Blanche, you've landed on your back more times than...
Dorothy: The American Gladiators.

"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy (#1.24)" (1986)
Cowboy #2: Howdy, ladies. My name's Rusty. I don't recollect seeing you two fillies 'round these parts. Mind if a lonesome cowboy puts his saddlebags 'round your campf...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Give us a break, would you mac!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Didn't you sleep well?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Rose kept me up, the storm scared her, she comes into my room at 2 in the morning begging, crying, just like your father before we got married.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What did you do?
Sophia Petrillo: I told him 'you're not getting anything till I see a ring on this finger, and a donkey in my father's barn'.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Not Pop, Rose.
Sophia Petrillo: I told her to get the hell out, she was annoying me.

Sophia Petrillo: [Rose is leaving for work] While you're out there, Rose, why don't you pull a few weeds out of the sidewalk?
Rose Nylund: Okey dokey.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you said you'd weed the sidewalk.
Sophia Petrillo: I said I'd get it done, it's getting done!

Leonard Barton: [Sophia put a curse on him with the evil eye] I went out to my garage this morning and found the air had been let out of my tires, I know she's responsible.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh come on, Mr. Barton, it was just a coincidence.
Sophia Petrillo: Coincidence my *eye*.

Leonard Barton: Where's the old witch?
Gladys Barton: Leonard, don't call her a witch, you'll get another boil on your butt.
Leonard Barton: Tell the world, Gladys!
[to Sophia]
Leonard Barton: I'm begging you, my clocks are all wrong, I can't find my golf clubs, I can't sleep, I can't eat!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Can't sit.
Gladys Barton: That too... please, take the curse off.
Sophia Petrillo: You'll move the tree?
Leonard Barton: It'll be out of here first thing in the morning.
Sophia Petrillo: Fine.
[feels her teeth]
Leonard Barton: Does that mean the curse is over?
Sophia Petrillo: That means I shouldn't eat asparagus at dinner.
[snaps her fingers]
Sophia Petrillo: That means the curse is over!

"The Golden Girls: Job Hunting (#1.22)" (1986)
Dorothy: So you're five years older. So am I, so is Blanche. All right, so you have a few more wrinkles. So do I, so does Blanche. OK, so you're a little thicker around the middle. So is Blanche.

Dorothy: Rose, get up, you have a phone call.
Rose Nylund: [half asleep] Is it time to milk the cows, Daddy?
Dorothy: No kitten, you have a phone call.
Rose Nylund: [takes out her earplugs] What?
Dorothy: YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL, it's your friend MILTON!
Rose Nylund: Oh my goodness, why's he calling so late?
Dorothy: Well you told him to call day or night!
Rose Nylund: That was just an expression, like laugh and the world laughs with you, well the whole world doesn't really laugh.

Dorothy: [about men] They're so much better at answering the phone in the middle of the night.
Blanche Devereaux: That's not all they're good at.
Sophia Petrillo: [from the far corner of the living room] And when they're really good, you don't even hear the phone.
Dorothy: [turns on the lights] Ma, what're you doing sitting here in the dark?
Sophia Petrillo: Why not? I've already seen the living room in the light.

Rose Nylund: [looking through the refrigerator] Oh, you'll never guess what I found!
Dorothy: Judge Crater.
Rose Nylund: Cheesecake!

Rose Nylund: [looking in the fridge] Ohhhhh you'll never guess what I found!
Dorothy: Jimmy Hoffa!
Rose Nylund: Pepperoni.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh oh.
Dorothy: Don't tell Ma.

"The Golden Girls: Bringing Up Baby (#3.3)" (1987)
Rose: [about her pig named Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.
Dorothy: The actor or the sausage?

Sophia: [describing what happened after she broke her glasses] It took me six hours to find my way home.
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you?
Sophia: I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I've got 5, you want 'em? A lifetime's supply.

Sophia: [seeing Baby, without her glasses] My God that's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
Dorothy: Ma! It's a pig!
Sophia: Hey you were no looker when I brought you home from the hospital either, I brought you anyway!

Blanche Devereaux: How long does Rose have to keep this pig before she gets the money?
Chester T. Raney: As long as he lives.
Chester T. Raney: Oh forget it!
Rose: Well I'd split the money with you, girls.
Dorothy: Forget it!
Blanche Devereaux: How long does a pig live?
Chester T. Raney: 25 years?
Rose: Forget it!
Blanche Devereaux: How old is this pig?
Chester T. Raney: 29.
Dorothy: Welcome, Baby!

Blanche Devereaux: I just read that it's very important that every child has a male influence in their life.
Rose: What are we going to do?
Dorothy: We'll all put on Yankee caps and scratch our behinds after beer!

"The Golden Girls: Yokel Hero (#4.4)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!
Blanche Devereaux: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I'm gonna have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Rose Nylund: If it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche Devereaux: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose Nylund: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche Devereaux: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... Oh god - it's making sense!

[On an airplane flying to Rose's hometown of St. Olaf]
Rose: God, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see... there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice...
Dorothy: Oh God, it's making SENSE!

[Sophia is standing in front of an open refrigerator with her robe open as Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose walk in]
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: [sarcastically] I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill.

Sophia: It's great bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

"The Golden Girls: Second Motherhood (#1.19)" (1986)
Plumber: You really need an expert. I can take a toliet apart blindfolded!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now there's a dying art!

[Talking about Richard]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean you would feel the same way if he didn't have a dime to his name?
Blanche Devereaux: Of course... I would just have to other men behind his back.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, do you know what's behind that, uh, wall that you're banging on?
Rose Nylund: A lateral fusion pipe!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?
Rose Nylund: No.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: My head!

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, you're a genius!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, wait a min- now, what are you talking about?
Sophia Petrillo: I walk into the living room, and there's a toilet in front of the television set. It's an old lady's dream come true!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to lift the toilet up with Rose's help] Oh! Ooh! Wait, wait! No. Honey, she won't budge. Oh, Rose, I don't think we're going to be able to move it.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. Get me twenty-thousand Hebrews, and I'll have it out of here in no time.

"The Golden Girls: Bedtime Story (#2.17)" (1987)
[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through Bronchitis]
Sophia Petrillo: I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know becasues I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?
Rose Nylund: Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia Petrillo: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

[Dorothy, Blanche and Rose are stranded overnight at a railway station]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't believe this. I mean this has to be the most depressing day of my life. First Edna McCarthy's funeral now this.
Blanche Devereaux: Y' know, being at her funeral today made me start thinking about how quiclky life can pass you by. Maybe I oughta do something more adventurous in my life.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: More adventurous! The Kama Sutra had to publish a supplement because of you!
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not talking about men. I'm talking about things I've always wanted to do but never got around to trying. Dorothy, didn't you have something you wanted to do? Some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mm-hm. I awlays wanted to try a nudist camp.
Stationmaster: [overhearing] Some big pots belong on the back burner.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to stationmaster] Uh, don't you have a cousin you should be dating?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [as Rose is praying to God, Dorothy has had enough and lowers her voice before she speaks] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now SHUT UP and get into bed.
Rose Nylund: [wide eyed, thinking it's really the voice of God] Amen!

Rose Nylund: Why don't we wait outside on the platform? The train will be along in a few minutes.
Stationmaster: The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How could our train have left a half-hour early?
Stationmaster: Oh, all the trains out of Appalappichobee leave early. That's what our town's famous for! Now, y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our Trains Leave Early" right on the town seal!
Rose Nylund: You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!
Blanche Devereaux: This is like a Twilight Zone... somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, uh, when is the next train to Miami?
Stationmaster: Well, we've got one scheduled to leave at 6 AM tomorrow morning.
Rose Nylund: Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5:30?
Stationmaster: Welcome to Appalappichobee!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What track does the 9:15 to Miami leave on?
Stationmaster: Well, Ma'am, we've only got one track, but we call it Track 19. Nobody knows why, but it sure gives everybody something to talk about while they're waiting on the next tornado to hit the mobile home!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Thank you very much... oh, and please say hello to Opie and Aunt Bee for me when you see them.

"The Golden Girls: It's a Miserable Life (#2.4)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Mrs Claxton, how lovely it is to see you again.
Frieda Claxton: Who are you?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm your neighbour, Blanche Deveraux.
Frieda Claxton: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Blanche Devereaux: I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton: With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche Devereaux: You miserable old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [interrupting] Let's try and get along. Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, you miserable old...
Rose Nylund: [interrupting] Dorothy!

Freida Claxton: [to Blanche] Oh yes, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
Blanche: I beg your pardon?
Freida Claxton: With my binoculars I can see right into your room. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal, I'm looking into it.
Blanche: Why you...
Dorothy: [Dorothy grabs her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton] Now Blanche. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Freida Claxton: Oh yeah. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy: Why you...
[Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]

Sophia: When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy: Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia: I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose: I knew that.
Sophia: See?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: We're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely, you're planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia: [mocking Pfeiffer's name which has a non-silent P] Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your pface?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look, Mr. P-feiffer, about the pfuner... about the funeral arrangements...

"The Golden Girls: Older and Wiser (#6.18)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [as Sophia is starting a new job] Ma, I think this'll be good for you. Mr Porter seems like a nice man. I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun there.
Sophia Petrillo: And don't forget the money. I haven't had a paycheck since 1942. And then I blew it all on war bonds.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well at least you got it back.
Sophia Petrillo: No, Italian war bonds. I fell for their slick advertising campaign: Buy Italian war bonds. The quickest, surest, Fascist way to double your money. Well, let's go.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you want to make a good impression? Matching shoes.
Sophia Petrillo: They should match my purse?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, they should match each other.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You've never told a lie?
Rose Nylund: That's right, I've never told a lie. Well, just once when I snuck out of class to go to the movies.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That's not much of a lie.
Rose Nylund: That's what I thought. Turned out to be the day they taught everything.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The final piece of the puzzle.
Rose Nylund: [later] I'm beginning to think Blanche is hung up on her looks.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Boy, you don't need lightning to strike you.
Rose Nylund: No, thanks. Not again. Once was enough.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: An extra piece of the puzzle.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [stopping short in shocked consternation upon seeing the crowd of elderly residents grouped in a big circle and haphazardly trying to dance the Hokey Pokey] Oh, my Gawwwd - - they got into the medication!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after hearing Blanche excitedly relate about her having helped out around the house while "Big Daddy" was on probation] And the point of this - - sordid Song Of The South?

Sophia Petrillo: [in response to one of the other elderly residents' telling her how good it is to have her back again] Well, it's good to BE back. They may not have wanted an activities director here, but they've GOT one! So come on - - let's get **active**.
[clicks on a portable boombox with a tape of dance-music, then turns amicably to an elderly Black gentleman in a wheelchair who's sitting a few feet away]
Sophia Petrillo: Mr. Lewis, would you like to dance?
[He shrugs agreeably, so Sophia puts a hand on his shoulder and grips the wheelchair's arm in her other hand, then slowly waltzes them around in a small area, while the man just sits still and blithely goes along for the ride]
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, I can see that you've had LESSONS.
Mr. Porter: [hearing the commotion of the impromptu elders' party and hurriedly showing up in the room with a shocked disgusted expression] Oh, for cryin' out loud - - what's in tarnation's going on here?
Sophia Petrillo: [in an innocent but determined tone] Seniors' dance night, Mr. Porter... care to join us?
Mr. Porter: [giving a unimpressed impatient wincing wheeze and waving his arm to halt the festivities] Okay, come on - - party's over. Everybody back to bed!
Mr. Lewis: [in a pleased, slightly dreamy tone] I danced tonight - - first time in 27 years!
Sophia Petrillo: [staring at Mr. Lewis with a slightly startled expression] Why, Mr. Lewis - - you can SPEAK! How come you've never spoken before?
Mr. Lewis: [grinning broadly] Nobody was LISTENING - - not until YOU got here.
Mr. Porter: [sulkily] I'VE been here - - you could have spoken to ME.
Mr. Lewis: [twisting his mouth in disgusted revulsion] Well, ah dohn LIKE **you**...!
Sophia Petrillo: Don't you SEE, Mr. Porter? You're not LISTENING to these people - - I mean, you ignore their thoughts and feelings, and you make them feel old.
[turning to address Dorothy, who has been standing by during this conversation]
Sophia Petrillo: And Pussycat, you make me feel old, too - - you treat me like I'm not capable of making my own choices.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [gently but fervently] Well, Ma - - I did it because I CARE about you! I was afraid of losing you if I didn't look after your well-being.
Sophia Petrillo: [understandingly but a little pointedly] I know that. But Pussycat, give me air. I know that you love me, but perhaps we can **both** start making decisions about me - - **together**.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [putting her arm around Sophia and hugging her close] We will, Ma.

"The Golden Girls: The Pope's Ring (#7.12)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: [about Rose's birthday gift] I can't take it back. I paid in advance.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Can't you get a refund?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, no. I paid with nature's credit card.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You never leave home without it

Blanche Devereaux: You hate me, 'cause I'm beautiful, don't you?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: There's a man leaving in 10 minutes. Be under him.

Sophia Petrillo: [Miles is storming out and Rose is behind him] Miles... Rose!
Rose Nylund: Not now, Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy comes out of the kitchen] Dorothy, I can't breathe!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Not now, Ma.
[looks at her]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Alright, but this better be good.
Sophia Petrillo: That depends, how good would you consider, the Pope's ring?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [feels the Pope's ring] Hey, this is real!
Sophia Petrillo: Of course it's real, you think he wears his fakes out in public like Zsa Zsa does?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you STOLE the Pope's ring?
Sophia Petrillo: It slipped off his finger, for God's representative on Earth, he sure has sweaty palms.

"The Golden Girls: 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas (#2.11)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche! How exciting!
Blanche Devereaux: Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation, when my best friend, Lisa Jane Biedler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No, this was Richard Jay Wilde. And believe me, his name said it all! Huh-huh-huh! We must've pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Ha-hah!
Rose Nylund: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Blanche Devereaux: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous he made Richard Jay Wilde look like a pre-pubescent choirboy.
Rose Nylund: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No-no, no. Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled. And the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "Hm-hm... May I cut in?" Well when I turned, I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Albert: George.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh, no. No. Thomas Pennville. Uh-huh. Well, after Thomas and I left...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looking through Blanche's boudier calendar] Whoa!
Blanche Devereaux: September?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yep!
Sophia Petrillo: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.

Rose Nylund: We could have an old-fashioned Scandinavian Christmas.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, I am not going to drink eggnog while wearing a metal brassiere.
Rose Nylund: We don't do that at Christmas, Dorothy, we do that at Easter.

Rose Nylund: Sophia, look out, he has a gun!
Sophia Petrillo: [steals the gun from Santa] This is a toy!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I don't believe it!
Sophia Petrillo: Neither do I, you call yourself a Sicilian and you can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Where is the Christmas spirit?
Sophia Petrillo: Neiman Marcus, third floor, ladies apparel.

"The Golden Girls: Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy (#6.5)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: [to Blanche] Blanche, are you alright?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm stunned, I'm just stunned.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, what's wrong?
Blanche Devereaux: That call, it was Viola Watkins, she used to be my Mammy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Your what?
Blanche Devereaux: My Mammy, the woman who took care of me when I was little.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I ever heard anyone called Mammy before.
Rose Nylund: What about Mrs. Eisenhower?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mammy Eisenhower... I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.

Rose Nylund: You know, I had a nanny when I was a child. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and I'd know she would keep it a secret. We used to spend the days running and playing in the meadow or playing hide and seek in the barn. My nanny treated me like I was her own kid
[tears up]
Rose Nylund: . Excuse me
[leaves room]
Rose Nylund: .
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Upon Rose leaving room] Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?
[Sophia and Blanche shake heads as no]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: .

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
Rose Nylund: That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, please Rose! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck!... And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Do I look like I just fell off the back of the turnip truck?
Rose Nylund: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now listen, you withered old Sicilian monkey!
Sophia Petrillo: I don't have to take this. Keep it up and I'll send you to Shady Pines!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's where I take you.
Sophia Petrillo: Ouch. Guess I backed into that one.

"The Golden Girls: Even Grandmas Get the Blues (#6.20)" (1991)
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [laughs nervously] That's a very personal question!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That long, huh?

Sophia Petrillo: When was the last time you had sex?
Rose Nylund: A... couple weeks ago.
Sophia Petrillo: Let's not split hairs, Rose, you're the queen of the festival.
Rose Nylund: I'm... I'm the queen?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're also the fool so we're saving a lot on payroll.

Blanche Devereaux: [in a dress with a low cut blouse] Do I look convincing?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: As what, ye olde town slut?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you lied to me.
Sophia Petrillo: Tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny - I've been messing with your head for almost sixty years.

Sophia Petrillo: Hi, pussycat, how was school?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, I hate those smart kids. They may be our brightest but they're also our rudest, considering most of them are guests in our country. No, give me a class of red-blooded underachievers.
Sophia Petrillo: Pussycat, when you were in Junior High school and the kids gave you a hard time, what did I say?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Awww, you told me I was extra-special and they were just jealous.
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. And if they still gave you a hard time, what did I tell you to say?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call. But Ma, this is different. You know, I've always wanted to teach an honors class, but now that I am, well, the kids are making me feel stupid.
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, I'm gonna tell you something I never told you before. When you were about twelve and we lived in Brooklyn, they called me into the school to tell me you had the highest IQ in the borough.
Rose Nylund: That's a coincidence. I was told I had the IQ *of* a burro.

"The Golden Girls: In a Bed of Rose's (#1.15)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I'm the kiss of death. It's the second time a man has died in my bed.
Blanche Devereaux: The second time?
Rose Nylund: Dorothy knows.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Charlie.
Blanche Devereaux: No! What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Nothing!
Blanche Devereaux: Well maybe that's the problem, they have to do all the work.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Sophia tells them that Arnie is dead] Ma, he is not, Rose, you go look.
Rose Nylund: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping, I don't want to wake him.
Sophia Petrillo: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.

Blanche Devereaux: [has Dorothy try a new recipe] It's called creamy zesty Italian, only has one calorie, what do you think?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If you ran it under the faucet it would have more flavor.
Blanche Devereaux: Shoot.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Honey, beware anybody who says 'no calories', 'absolutely no charge', and 'let's just go lie down in bed and watch TV'.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, are you sure you'll be alright here alone?
Sophia Petrillo: She'll be fine, if anybody breaks in she'll just have to sleep with them.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Blanche and Dorothy are playing cards, Sophia keeps shaking her head for Blanche's plays] Stop telling her what to play.
Sophia Petrillo: I haven't said anything, have I Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Not a word.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You keep shaking your head!
Sophia Petrillo: I've been holding it up for 80 years, you'd shake too!

"The Golden Girls: Once in St. Olaf (#6.2)" (1990)
[Sophia's lost in the hospital]
Blanche: Did you find her yet?
Dorothy: Yes Blanche, about a half hour ago. But now I hidden her again so you can find her.

Rose Nylund: You're not going to believe what happened, I met my father, my natural father!
Dorothy: He's alive?
Blanche: He's in Miami?
Sophia Petrillo: He's an earthling?

Sophia Petrillo: This is really a hospital, I can't believe it.
Dorothy: Ma you have a hernia, where did you think I was taking you, Trampoline Village?
Sophia Petrillo: I told you, I thought you were taking me back to Shady Pines.
Dorothy: Ma, why would I take you to Shady Pines when you have a hernia?
Sophia Petrillo: You took me there after I had a stroke!

Dorothy: We're looking for my mother.
Rose Nylund: Maybe she's lost.
Brother Martin: Congratulations, Rose, you finally got one.

"The Golden Girls: Beauty and the Beast (#7.3)" (1991)
Blanche: Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.
Rose: You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from "Peter Pan."
Dorothy: What the hell goes on in this house at night?

Sophia Petrillo: Well, now that I'm up, I might as well do some shopping.
Dorothy: Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gekko!

Sophia Petrillo: [to Dorothy] Thank you, Pussycat.
Nurse DeFarge: Oh, you're Pussycat, too?
Dorothy: *I* am Pussycat One. *YOU* are Pussycat Two!

Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy sees Sophia dancing after she's been faking an injury] I wuv you!
Dorothy: Too wittle, too wate!

"The Golden Girls: One for the Money (#3.2)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: [Doorbell rings] Who on earth could that be at three o'clock at the morning?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Blanche and Dorothy walking into the kitchen, Dorothy carrying a large pizza box] Hi Rose.
Blanche Devereaux: We brought dinner.
Rose Nylund: What'd ya get?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still holding pizza box] A bucket of chicken.
[Thunderous laughter from the audience]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I hope you like it extra flat and crispy?
Blanche Devereaux: It's a pizza Rose.
Rose Nylund: I knew that, I meant what kind is it?
Blanche Devereaux: Did you *really* know that?
Rose Nylund: [sarcasticly] No, but I thought I could cover.

Rose: When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.
Dorothy: How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part?

[at a dance contest]
Rose: [to her dance partner] You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf to kick off Pretzel Week. My Uncle Gunther, after the Great Beernut Shortage of '29-...
Dorothy: Foul! Foul! Send a judge over here!
[pointing at Rose]
Dorothy: This woman is trying to put us to sleep!

"The Golden Girls: Where's Charlie? (#7.5)" (1991)
[Blanche's coaching a baseball player by making him wear panties and he shows up in a blue dress]
Dorothy: He comes out Stevie, now he comes in Edie!

Sophia Petrillo: If you could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie, I almost wet myself!
Dorothy: Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey!

Dorothy: Look, you are going to tell Rose the truth.
Sophia Petrillo: Or?
Dorothy: Remember Shady Pines?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, it wasn't so bad.
Dorothy: I heard they sold it to some Germans.
Sophia Petrillo: [gets us suddenly] Rose, I need to talk to you...

Dorothy: Rose, I think Ma has something she'd like to tell you.
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, how come your hair never moves when you do?
Dorothy: That's a question, granted a good one, but we're looking for a statement.

"The Golden Girls: Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket? (#4.8)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Who's the letter from, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: Joanne Pescatori! She's coming to Miami for a visit!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Joanne Pescatori, didn't she own that little candy store down the street from us in Brooklyn?
Sophia Petrillo: That was Jeanette Pasadano.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh. Then who was Joanne Pescatori?
Sophia Petrillo: How the hell should I know? This letter's for Rose.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, why are you reading Rose's mail?
Sophia Petrillo: Because all you got were bills... Listen to this part at the end, tell me if you think Joanne's a lesbian.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
[Snatches the letter from Sophia]

Rose Nylund: [about Blanche's jacket] It looks like you got a jacket somebody else returned. It's kind of beat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, that's the style, it's an aviator's jacket.
Blanche Devereaux: And now all I need is some accessories for it.
Rose Nylund: Like a handbag?
Blanche Devereaux: Like an aviator.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What did you do with it?
Sophia Petrillo: [grabs a vase with flowers] Stand back, I'm not afraid to use this.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Spill it, Ma.
[Sophia dumps the water out of the vase]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What you did with the jacket, Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: I'm scared, I'll do anything you say.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [scratching off their tickets] What if you get three palm trees?
Sophia Petrillo: You don't have three palm trees, that means you win $10,000.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, I know what three palm trees looks like.
Sophia Petrillo: You also know what a handsome doctor looks like, doesn't mean you have one.

"The Golden Girls: Rose the Prude (#1.3)" (1985)
[Rose is worried about going on a cruise with a man she likes. She worries that she will have to do "it."]
Rose: I haven't slept with another man since Charlie died.
Blanche: Oh, get outta here!
Dorothy: Shut up, Blanche. Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port!

Rose: I fell discouraged.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.

Blanche: Most of the guys I dated in college were for the stories.
Dorothy: You must have more stories than O. Henry.

Rose: I feel depressed.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of coke.

"The Golden Girls: The Monkey Show (#7.8)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Filling sandbags, Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-comin'.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: A-comin'?
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. People only use the "a-" when a really big storm is a-comin' or a-brewin',
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.
Sophia Petrillo: Ida Perlberg down at the Senior Center woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes.
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, when you get around my age, two things happen: one, you get more intuitive about the weather; and two, corn becomes your enemy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-comin...
Sophia Petrillo: Don't patronize me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm not patronizing you, I'm a-mockin' you.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.
Blanche Devereaux: You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why aren't you arrested more?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: In every relationship, there are always times when you don't want to be with each other. I mean, Stan and I went through a period when we had no marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.
Rose Nylund: You mean it grows back?

Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy has just returned from her last therapy session with former husband Stan] Oh, you're back from your session early. Was it as cathartic as you thought?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, I don't know if "cathartic" is the word.
Rose Nylund: You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am. Like, "Was it cathartic? Oh, I've had a catharticism. 'Course, I'm not the type to kiss and catharterize."

"The Golden Girls: Break In (#1.8)" (1985)
Blanche: [Enters covered in flour] They got my jewels.
Dorothy: But I see they didn't get your cocaine.
Rose: Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?
Blanche: This is flour! I hid my jewels in the flour!

Rose: They were probably looking for drugs.
Dorothy: We have Maalox and estrogen. Now how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?

Dorothy: [Trying to calm Rose] Honey, we were robbed. It's scary but it happens. And now it's over, and the robbers are gone.
Rose: [Revealing mental trauma] I know. I know that! I know it's over. I know they're gone, but not for me! For me, in my mind, they'll always be here!

Dorothy: Rose, this has gone too far, you need to see someone.
Blanche: Dorothy, I don't think a date will help her.
Dorothy: Not a date, a psychiatrist, hotpants!

"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's New Friend (#3.15)" (1988)
Dorothy: Blanche, I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.
Blanche: No, that's fine, but I should point out that it was designed for a dainty neck.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.

Blanche: Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Barbara Thorndyke: Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay"
[to Dorothy]
Barbara Thorndyke: I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Blanche: Well, I should hope so!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Barbara Thorndyke: [to Dorothy] It's alright
[patronisingly to Blanche]
Barbara Thorndyke: Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Blanche: Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves. Little waves. Dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
Barbara Thorndyke: Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
Blanche: I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Rose Nylund: Blanche, what's a metaphor?
Blanche: It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty". They're not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

[Dorothy has announced to the girls that local author Barbara Thorndyke will be their guest that evening]
Rose Nylund: Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow! I've never met a real author before.
Blanche: I have. I once stood in line at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
Dorothy: You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time it's usually Faulkner, Fritgerald and...
Blanche: And Schwarzenegger. Yeah.
Rose Nylund: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh!
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Blanche: Hi, Dorothy. Rose and I are thinking about going to the movies; you want to go?
Dorothy: Oh, I can't tonight. No, Barbara is taking me to the experimental theatre downtown.
Blanche: Somebody dragged me to a show there one time. Three men paraded around the stage for five hours talkin' about God eatin' graham crackers. They wore masks to cover their faces, but other than that they were totally naked.
Rose Nylund: And you stayed through the whole evening?
Blanche: Well, I would have left, but one of the actors looked so familiar to me.
[Chews lip in thought]
Blanche: But it was hard to tell since he had such a small part.

"The Golden Girls: The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo (#4.2)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: He had these long, floppy ears. Kind of like a basset hound. When he came to pick me up for our blind date, I couldn't believe it. He jumped out of the car, and ran up the walk, and bounded up on to the front porch, and I remember thinking, "He's gonna trip on those ears." But he didn't. So there he stood before me introducing himself, and I don't know, I was still so stunned, I just kind of half-muttered a "Howdy-do" and he said, "I beg your pardon? I didn't hear you." Well, I don't know what came over me, but I just blurted out, "Didn't hear me? I think you could pick up Radio Free Europe with those ears!" And you know what he did? He laughed. Well, right then and there I started growing very fond of Mr. Preston Bougainvillea, and over the next several months we saw quite a lot of each other.
Rose Nylund: Oh, that's really very sweet, Blanche.
Blanche Devereaux: I know... By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other... bodily organs?
Rose Nylund: ...What do you mean?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The most amazing thing about Grandma was that, in 1952, she decided to go into politics.
Rose Nylund: Politics?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Uh huh, she felt it was her personal responsibility to elect Adlai Stevenson president.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, she didn't care for Eisenhower because, you know, he claimed to have liberated Italy, and she said Italy was liberated enough. Already too many people eating meat on Friday
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: ... and wearing condoms on Saturday.
Rose Nylund: Whatever happened to her?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sarcastically] She colonized life on Venus. Rose, she was 94 when I was 6. She died, you idiot!
Rose Nylund: How did she die?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You know, we're not sure. One night, she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day, the neighborhood kids had a go cart with two *really big* back wheels.

Rose Nylund: I'm so depressed. We didn't accomplish a single thing today.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Sure we did, we found out that in a pinch, fruit cocktail is not bad on a bagel.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: So Ma, what did you do today?
Sophia Petrillo: The same thing I do every day, I bought a nectarine.

"The Golden Girls: You Gotta Have Hope (#4.17)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So that's the catch, you'll let us have the Donatello Triplets if we let your new boyfriend in the show as well.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia that's blackmail!
Sophia Petrillo: That's showbusiness.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, you can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes, you can't be in the show.
Sophia Petrillo: You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, why do you continue to take pleasure in amusing yourself at my expense?
Sophia Petrillo: Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet, this is who I am Dorothy, either learn to live with it, or have me medicated.

Blanche Devereaux: This whole fantasy about Bob Hope is sick.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Sick.
Blanche Devereaux: I mean, if she's gonna have fantasies, they oughtta be the normal, healthy kind, like... sweaty Argentinian cowboys whippin' things while they ride naked on the back of Brahma bulls.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I have to remember to stop using your towels.

"The Golden Girls: Yes, We Have No Havanas (#4.1)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: Gee, Sophia! You're awfully cranky today.
Sophia Petrillo: Well, forgive me. But my arthritis is playing me up. My social security check was late. And I realized today I haven't showered with a man in twenty-two years!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, pop's been dead twenty-seven years.
Sophia Petrillo: What's your point?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what are you saying?
Rose Nylund: Isn't it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five years.

Woman: I'm leaving! I'm not about to mourn a man that was with every woman in this room.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: He was never with me!
Woman: I guess even he had his standards.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Doing a Register] ... Jim Shu?... Jim Shu? Oh I get it Gym Shoe - very funny!
Jim Shu: [an oriental man] I'm Jim Shu.

Blanche: Is this dress me?
Sophia Petrillo: It's too tight, it's too short, it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yes Blanche, it's you.

"The Golden Girls: One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest (#7.23)" (1992)
Dorothy Zbornak: [to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.

Dorothy Zbornak: You will always be my sisters... always!

Rose: How was the sex?
Dorothy: So good we named it!

Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, have I got a man for you.
Dorothy Zbornak: No thanks, had one.
Blanche Devereaux: It's my Uncle Lucas. He's *perfect* - all man, all heart, all yours.
Dorothy Zbornak: Look, Blanche, forget it! It's not going to work out. I mean, he's a little bit country, and I'm a little bit... too smart for this.

"The Golden Girls: The Return of Dorothy's Ex (#1.11)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia Petrillo: Because he knocked you up.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia Petrillo: Because he got you drunk.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia Petrillo: Beats the hell out of me.

Blanche Devereaux: Oh, take it from me, honey, there is no gentle way to end it with a man. When you're gentle with them, they just don't get the message.
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche is so right, Dorothy. That was exactly the problem I had with Eddie Parker. He was this real sweet guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him. You see, when Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO club. And, that's where I first met Eddie the Aqua Midget.
Blanche Devereaux: He was a blue midget?
Rose Nylund: Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a step ladder into this gigantic punchbowl.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [stifling laughter] S-so, um... what happened?
Rose Nylund: Nothing. He'd just swim to the side and hop out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I mean, uh... what happened between you and Eddie?
Rose Nylund: We talked a lot between shows, and of course I didn't realize it but he- he was falling for me.
Blanche Devereaux: Didn't have far to fall.
[Dorothy grabs Blanche's hand in an attempt to stifle more laughter]
Rose Nylund: It... it started with little things...
Blanche Devereaux: I bet.
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I... I tried to let him down gently...
Blanche Devereaux: You tried to make it short and sweet?
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: He just wouldn't take no for an answer. So I finally had to tell him straight out that I- I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size. It- it was simply that... w-I- I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still stifling laughter] Thank you, Rose. I... I don't know what to say... And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, why didn't you tell your mother about our vacation?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I was waiting for the right time- like when we landed in New York.
Blanche Devereaux: New York? I wanted to go to an island!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: New York is an island.
Blanche Devereaux: Yeah, but I want to go somewhere with a bunch of men who don't speak English!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Then we'll take the subway.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stan told me his wife left him.
Blanche Devereaux: And you believed him? I hear that at least twice a week!
Sophia Petrillo: And it works everytime!

"The Golden Girls: The Actor (#2.14)" (1987)
Rose: Dorothy, is this a good champagne?
Dorothy: Gee, it's hard to tell... the "2 for $7" sticker is covering the year of the vintage.

Stage Manager: Mr. Vaughn! Mr. Vaughn! Did you hgear about the cast change?
Patrick Vaughn: Cast change?
Stage Manager: Ronald Bromberg has come down with the flu! He won't be able to play the Sheriff!
Patrick Vaughn: Well, who can take over the part?
Dorothy: [Walks in dressed as a sheriff] Hello.
Stage Manager: She's the only one in the cast who fits into the costume!

Patrick Vaughn: So what harm did I do?
Rose: What harm did you do? You lied to everybody!
Blanche: You, sir, are nothin' but a lowdown, carpet-bagging, scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!
Dorothy: And another thing, you'll never WHAT?

"The Golden Girls: The Competition (#1.7)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, aren't you forgetting something? Rose dumped you.
Blanche Devereaux: That's right, she did. I hate being dumped. Just hate it! I haven't been dumped since Wade Hunnicut threw me over for Rebecca Wilkinson, a girl who did not value her reputation.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Did you let him get away with it?
Blanche Devereaux: Hell, no.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What'd you do?
Blanche Devereaux: Slept with his brother.

Blanche Devereaux: I'm fine. I just... feel a little cold and clammy, and, uh... just a little short of breath.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now, you just settle down. You hear me? Settle down.
Blanche Devereaux: Whoo! Don't make me do this, Dorothy. This ball feels like it weighs about a hundred pounds.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, I sympathize with you. I mean, anyone who has ever competed understands what you're going through, so listen, sweetheart, if you don't feel like bowling, you don't have to.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, good.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You just hold on to the ball and I'll throw you down the aisle.

Blanche Devereaux: [Storming into the kitchen] I am stunned, just stunned! Stunned is the only way to describe how, stunned I am!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Just a minute, just a minute Blanche.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you trying to tell us, that you are stunned?

"The Golden Girls: The Heart Attack (#1.10)" (1985)
Sophia Petrillo: I've got a bubble.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why're you holding your chest?
Sophia Petrillo: The bubble is in my chest.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What do you mean you have a bubble? Is it pain?
Sophia Petrillo: If it was pain I'd call it pain, I have a bubble.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, do you know what a bubble is?
Blanche Devereaux: [shows her ring] I know what a bauble is.

Sophia Petrillo: Oh! Oh!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What is it, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: Pain!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What kind of pain?
Sophia Petrillo: The kind that hurts!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I knew this woman who went to Paris, went out to eat and she just had watercrest, because you know she didn't want to gain weight. And when she left, this gargoyle fell off the roof, hit her on the head and killed her! And just look at what her last meal was.
Blanche Devereaux: That's horrible, here, eat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Of course it'll be just my luck, I'll eat, I'll gain 40 pounds and I'll live to be 90.
Rose Nylund: Me too, I'm as healthy as a horse, unfortunately I'll wind up looking like one.

"The Golden Girls: Zborn Again (#6.7)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [admitting she had just "slept with" her ex-husband] Oh, I don't know, I don't know, he's just been so sweet lately, and we were at the beach in the same old car that we used to make out in, and it just got to me. It was exciting.
Blanche: Dammit, Dorothy, if you'd have sex in public more often this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Look, I'm mad enough at myself as it is. I mean, Stanley Zbornak made me weak in the knees. What, you think I'm proud of that?
Blanche: Who made the first move?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I guess I did. It was dark, and Stan stopped the car. I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake.
Rose: Well that's good: Safety First.

Rose: [to Blanche] What was the best sex you ever had?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, way to go, Rose. Look, Blanche, it's late, there's only one cheesecake left, so let's make menopause the cut-off point.
Blanche: Best sex. Oh, it's just so hard to rate these things. There's degree of difficulty, style points, choice of music, did they land on their feet during the dismount. Different people have different strengths, it's just impossible to tell. But, anything over a nine is excellent.
Rose: Over a nine?
Blanche: Points, Rose, points!

Sophia Petrillo: I worry about you. You're still my little girl, you know, no matter how big you get.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Thanks, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: By the way, how big are you gonna get?

"The Golden Girls: Adult Education (#1.20)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I got tickets, too! This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard...
Blanche Devereaux: [cuts Rose off] No, no, no, no! Please! I cannot bear that again!
[to Dorothy]
Blanche Devereaux: She was listening to her car radio. Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, and a dime in a door handle, then bim-bam-boom, she won the tickets!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma! How in the world did you get these?
Sophia Petrillo: Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.
Rose Nylund: You know Frank Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.
Blanche Devereaux: Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Tina Tortoni?
Sophia Petrillo: Tina Sinatra!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I am exhausted, I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.
Rose Nylund: You can't buy from a scalper, that's a crime.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.
Rose Nylund: I have to test them.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, one is testing, fourteen is brunch.
Rose Nylund: Good Lord I'm a criminal!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, as long as you already have a record, I can count you in.

"The Golden Girls: Mary Has a Little Lamb (#5.13)" (1990)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Listen to this, "If I were truly free, o fire of my loins. I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked in a frenzy of love.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, who wrote that?
Sophia Petrillo: Merrill Kellog.
Dorothy Zbornak: Merrill... Who's he?
Sophia Petrillo: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.
Dorothy Zbornak: [snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison Blanche has been writing to.
Rose Nylund: How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia Petrillo: [taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Blanche Deveraux: [entering the kitchen] Morning girls.
Sophia Petrillo: Morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter
[hands it to Blanche and leaves]
Rose Nylund: Blanche, I didn't!
Blanche Deveraux: Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another letter form Merrill. I'd read it to you anyway. It's not personal.
Dorothy Zbornak: Not personal! Blanche, the man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.
Blanche Deveraux: Well, sure. And I wrote him that I wanted to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia tees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!
Rose Nylund: Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.
Blanche Deveraux: [obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.

[the girls' young friend Mary has stopped by to visit]
Dorothy Zbornak: Tell me, sweetheart. You having fun in high school?
Mary: Oh, it's okay.
Blanche Deveraux: Oh, I loved high school! It seems like it was only yesterday. Riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances...
Dorothy Zbornak: Yeah. And don't forget the Hindenburg disaster.
Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters] Ma, look who's here.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh. So, Mary. When's the baby due?
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma! You're talking to a sixteen yeart old girl!
Sophia Petrillo: A knocked up sixteen year old girl!

Merrill 'Moose' Kellog: I'm Merrill. Are you Blanche?
Dorothy Zbornak: No.
Merrill 'Moose' Kellog: How 'bout you, cutie?
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, this guy's done hard time!

"The Golden Girls: From Here to the Pharmacy (#7.11)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [re: Sophia hoarding money for 10 years] From now on I'm not paying for anything. You are on your own!
Sophia Petrillo: You can't do this to me! You never touch the principal. That money's for my old age.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore!
Sophia Petrillo: I'm in my twilight years!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're in the Twilight Zone! Hopi Indians are walking around saying, 'How does she do it?'

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You don't know anything about law.
Rose Nylund: I sure do. Every Thursday night I watch La Law.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, that's L.A. Law.
Rose Nylund: I wondered why Susan Dey didn't speak with a French accent.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after Sophia makes a comment about her killing her] Ma, you're just being silly. Here, have some tea.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [tone changes to menacing] It'll relax you.
Sophia Petrillo: I don't trust it. Rose, you taste it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [just as Rose is about to take a sip] ROSE, DON'T! That tea was for my mommy.

"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1989)
Oliver: How old are you?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Too old for you.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't know where you doctors lose your humanity, but you lose it. You know, if all of you at the beginning of your careers could get very sick and very scared for a while, you'd probably learn more from that than from anything else. You better start listening to your patients. They need to be heard. They need caring. They need compassion. They need attending to. You know, someday doctor Budd, you're going to be on the other side of the table, and as angry as I am and as ANGRY as I always will be, I still wish you a better doctor than you were to me.

Dr. Harry Weston: You know, there are all kinds of diseases that we didn't know about before. Look at lyme disease.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Harry, am I gonna die?
Dr. Harry Weston: I'm afraid so.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You really think so?
Dr. Harry Weston: [shrugs] Sooner or later, I guarantee it. Unless, of course, the Japanese come up with something.

"The Golden Girls: All That Jazz (#5.10)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirstin the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche Devereaux: So you told her?
Rose Nylund: No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose Nylund: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about... what a man would look like?
Rose Nylund: It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?... Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Rose is upset about work and Dorothy is upset after falling out with Michael] Now look - Rose, stop wining! You know that your going to have to speak to your boss about your workload - wallowing in self pity is not going to help!
Blanche Devereaux: [walking in] How are you feeling, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: My life is falling apart and now Rose is bothering me!

Blanche Devereaux: [about Michael] You just did what you had to!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy - wondering where he is - I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know - or in some flophouse or out on the street!
Sophia Petrillo: [walking in] Michael called - he's staying with Stan.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

"The Golden Girls: The Triangle (#1.5)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know something, we are really lucky that we found a doctor who makes house calls.
Rose Nylund: I know! When I was growing up in Minnesota the doctor made house calls all the time, for us and the livestock.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You and the animals had the same doctor?
Rose Nylund: Sure! Worked out fine... until the doctor started drinking hog linament and tried to neuter the Swenson brothers.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, you keep your bloomers on, Scarlett. He's taking me out tomorrow night.
Blanche Devereaux: But he wants me, I can feel it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Let somebody else feel it.

Dorothy: [Talking about about an attractive doctor] Back of Scarlett! I saw him first.
Blanche: But Dorothy he wants me, I can sense it. He's a man, I'm a woman.
Dorothy: And what am I, Little Richard?

"The Golden Girls: The Way We Met (#1.25)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I'll make it up to you, Dorothy. I promise. Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya."
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, I don't know what to say. Yes I do... Don't ever do that.

Rose Nylund: This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
Blanche Devereaux: The Great Herring War?
Rose Nylund: Yes, between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Rose Nylund: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, well that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
Rose Nylund: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring, and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
Blanche Devereaux: Weren't they kind of hard to see riding on the elephants?
Rose Nylund: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Uh, tell me, Rose, um... Ah-ha ha ha!... Did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?
Rose Nylund: Only once. But they shot him into a tree. After that no other herring would do it.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Sophia's just scared them brandishing a butcher knife and screaming] Ma, that is NOT funny!
Sophia Petrillo: Are you kidding, it's a riot! I pulled that one on old man Peterson after they showed 'Psycho' at the home. They said he would never walk again. He walked! Well, good night.
[waves the knife around]
Sophia Petrillo: Sweet dreams!
[exits kitchen laughing maniacally]

"The Golden Girls: Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas (#5.12)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, boy, it is hell out there. It must be 103 and the mall is impossible.
Sophia Petrillo: Did you get something for the grandchildren?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh, I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat . . .but I did it anyway!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose we have to talk to you about Christmas. It is too hot to go out shopping again so why don't we just draw names out of a hat and then we only have to buy one gift each?
Rose: But Dorothy I love Christmas and I love giving presents at Christmas. Besides, if we draw names out of a hat, whose names are they going to be?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The Oakridge Boys, Rose! Each others'!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why are the Christmas cookies shaped like Liberty Bells and American flags?
Rose: I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters so I used the 4th of July ones.

"The Golden Girls: Transplant (#1.4)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, can you eat quietly?
Sophia: These are Fritos, what do you want me to do, swallow them whole?

Rose: What would you do?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: For my children, I'd give both my kidneys, I'd cut them out myself.
Rose: Me too, I'd give my heart.
Sophia: I give to all my children, except Phil.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why not Phil?
Sophia: Because he never calls, he never writes, I only hear from him at Christmas when he sends me a cheddar cheese nativity scene. I'm Catholic, I can't spread a wise man on a Ritz cracker.

Rose: [talking about diapers] Remember when we had to use cotton and fish oil?
Sophia: In Sicily they used a leaf and the river.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you never had a baby in Sicily.
Sophia: I *was* a baby in Sicily.

"The Golden Girls: Take Him, He's Mine (#2.3)" (1986)
Dorothy: [to her ex husband] Stanley, you are truly one chromosome away from being a potato!

Dorothy: I won't be seeing Geoffrey any more. He's leaving town.
Rose Nylund: I knew it. The minute I heard you were dating a sailor, I said to myself there'll be nothing but heartaches. Those squabbies drift into port, park their diddies on your doorstep, show you some tricks they learnt in the Orient and then it's, "Avast me hearties," and they shove off with a serpent tattoo and your heart as souvenirs.
Dorothy: You've been reading Treasure Island again, Rose.

Dorothy: [about dating a Commodore] You know, just when I'd given up hope of meeting someone, along came the most gallant, sophisticated, charming man I'd met in ages.
Rose Nylund: And I bet he knows how to tie a lot of really neat knots!

"The Golden Girls: And Then There Was One (#2.16)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, every time I turn around you have the baby in your arms.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, its just amazing - every time I pick her up she stops fussing and goes back to sleep!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well you shouldn't do that! The baby won't get used to sleeping alone.
Blanche Devereaux: Well you never get used to sleeping alone - I haven't.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Please, siamese twins sleep alone more than you do.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, honey... have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?

Rose Nylund: You know what's funny? Everytime the baby's diaper needs to be changed, the bears disappear.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's funny, everytime my kids' diapers needed to be changed, my husband would disappear.

"The Golden Girls: The Housekeeper (#3.4)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: So, Marguerite, wont you start by telling us a little about yourself.
Marguerite Brown: Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm hard working. Honest. And I'll work for a reasonable wage.
Rose Nylund: That's it?
Marguerite Brown: Alright. I wont go on with this charade any longer. There is something else, I'm black. Now if that's a problem for you, I'm white. Course that'll cost you extra!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite Brown: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose Nylund: Oh, neither do Dorothy and I.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [coming onto the lanai carrying a small painted rock] Girls, look what I found under my bed.
Rose Nylund: Gee, that's the most colorful dustball I've ever seen.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This is no dustball, Rose. I think it may be some kind of charm.
Marguerite Brown: [overhearing] It is! I learned it from my grandmother. You put a specially painted rock beneath a person's bed to bring them a restful sleep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you telling me that you put this under my bed?
Marguerite Brown: Well, I was only trying to be helpful! I figured with those terrible bags you needed the rest.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche Devereaux: And besides it'll take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, I have an idea. Why don't each of you take it in turns hitting me with a two by four?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [walking into the kitchen and finding Rose sweeping the floor] Rose why are you cleaning the kitchen? This is Marguerite's job!
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I know what you're gonna say. But I talked to Marguerite on the phone and this time she has a really good excuse for being late.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. What is it?
Rose Nylund: She had to go pluck a hair from the chin of a dawrf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: And you fell for that old excuse?

"The Golden Girls: End of the Curse (#2.1)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: How do you know if a grasshopper is Spanish?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

Rose Nylund: She's in there.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Really Columbo?

Rose: How can you tell if a grasshopper is Spanish?
Dorothy: Because it wears a little sombrero Rose.

"The Golden Girls: Letter to Gorbachev (#3.6)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: I'm concerned about nuclear war.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanche] And just yesterday, her biggest concern was whether Bubbles the Chimp was traveling with Michael Jackson against his will.

Sophia Petrillo: [after her magic trick goes awry] This watch is broken.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma! Stan gave me that watch for our wedding anniversary!
Sophia Petrillo: Well the marriage never worked, why should the watch?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanche, after finding out Gorbachev wants to meet with Rose] Kemosabe, I think we're in heap big trouble.

"The Golden Girls: Sister of the Bride (#6.14)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: Oh!... Well, what's a policeman doing bringing fares from the airport? I know! I bet you do undercover work!
Sophia Petrillo: And I'll bet he does it damn well.
Dorothy: Heh, heh, heh. You'll have to excuse my mother. She, uh, survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Clayton Hollingsworth: [talking about a commitment ceremony with his boyfriend] I'd do anything for Doug, and he'd bend over backwards for me.
Dorothy: [Dorothy covers Sofia's mouth and pulls her close to her] Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy!

Blanche Devereaux: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche Devereaux: There must be homosexuals who date women?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

"The Golden Girls: Flu Attack (#1.21)" (1986)
Blanche: [the girls have the flu] Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: [she holds up an electrical cord] Well if this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket

Rose Nylund: I just feel a little achey.
Dorothy: What kind of achey? Head-achey, stomach achey, what?

Blanche: I feel hot.
Dorothy: I feel cold.
Rose Nylund: I feel guilty. This is all my fault.
Dorothy: Oh no Rose, it's all my fault. As soon as I found out you were contagious I should've thrown you out of the house.

"The Golden Girls: There Goes the Bride: Part 2 (#6.17)" (1991)
Truby Steele: Oh, my husband passed.
Rose Nylund: Passed what?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: A slow-moving Winnebago, Rose!

Rose Nylund: Oh, by the way, Blanche, Chuck at the gas station says "yo."
Blanche Devereaux: Chuck from Arco or Chuck from Shell?
Rose Nylund: Chuck from Shell.
Blanche Devereaux: Big Chuck from Shell or Little Chuck from Shell?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, you're spending too much time at the full-service island.

"The Golden Girls: A Visit from Little Sven (#3.9)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, did anything happen between you and Sven that would make him think that you liked him?
[Blanche seems reluctant to answer]
Sven: You mean you didn't tell them about you kissing me?
Rose Nylund: KISSING him?
Sven: Or stroking my hair?
Rose Nylund: Stroking his hair?
Sven: Or feeding me?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sees that Rose is speechless] All right, I'll say it. FEEDING him?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looking at an erotic cake Rose unwittingly bought] WHOA OH!
Blanche Devereaux: Why Rose Nylund. Why, that cake is in the shape of...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, we know what it is.
Rose Nylund: I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
Blanche Devereaux: That reminds me... I gotta give Charlie Melbourne a call.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If this cake reminds you of Charlie Melbourne, we can BOTH give him a call!

"The Golden Girls: Rose Fights Back (#5.4)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [reading letter] This is terrible!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Trick move by your checkers-by-mail partner?

Sophia Petrillo: I need money for a medical emergency.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What's wrong with you, Ma?
Sophia Petrillo: I think I'm pregnant.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What happened? The rabbit die laughing?

"The Golden Girls: That Was No Lady (#1.14)" (1985)
Dorothy: We spent the evening at a motel.
Rose: A motel! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed, den of iniquity?
Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose!

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: So you've started up with your married man again.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.
Dorothy: Oh Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh - I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your ...
Dorothy: Ma!

"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: We never had a barbeque in St. Olaf after the tragedy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: ...I guess we have to ask.
Sophia Petrillo: No we don't.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: She'll work it in anyway. What tragedy, Rose?
Rose Nylund: I can't talk about it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine.
Sophia Petrillo: Good.
Rose Nylund: But it had to do with Barbequing elk, a big fire and someone who lost his balace.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Got it.
Sophia Petrillo: Clear a bell.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to her doctor] I've been sick for 5 months now. I have a constant sore throat, swollen glands, fevers, my muscles ache and are weak. I am totally exhausted all the time.
Dr. Stern: I know, I know. You told me.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well maybe it bears repeating!

"The Golden Girls: Melodrama (#6.19)" (1991)
Blanche: Ooh... I've got goosebumps. Mel'll be here any minute.
Dorothy: Honey, why are you so jumpy? You've been out with Mel a thousand times.
Blanche: I know but now there's more at stake - everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I... I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.
Sophia: You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?
Blanche: Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
Sophia: I'm just saying you're lucky Jack & Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip columb.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Hold it, Pussycat. I'm on a roll.
Blanche: I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were maent to be together.
Sophia: I wish I could say the same for your thighs.
Sophia: God, I'm hot tonight!
Blanche: I'm not gonna stand for this.
Sophia: Take it, Dorothy.
Dorothy: But I'll bet you'll lie down for it.
Sophia: Well, that was just plain rude.
Blanche: Some people just don't know when to quit.

Blanche: Tonight, Mel and I are starting a brand new relationship! Do you realize how rare it is to find out that the person you've been sleeping with is the person you love?
Dorothy: No, but you can't go by me; I have morals.

"The Golden Girls: Old Boyfriends (#7.13)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose Nylund: Thank you, Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Rose Nylund: [after shutting the door] I have no idea who that man is!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, why didn't you tell him you don't remember him?
Rose Nylund: And hurt an old friend? Boy Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you!

"The Golden Girls: Isn't It Romantic? (#2.5)" (1986)
Sophia: Jean is a lesbian.
Blanche: What's so bad about that?
Sophia: You're not surprised?
Blanche: Well I haven't known any personally but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.

Sophia: Jean thinks she's in love with Rose
Blanche: Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe it! I do not believe it!
Dorothy: I was pretty surprised myself
Blanche: Well, I bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me, that's ridiculous!

"The Golden Girls: Rose: Portrait of a Woman (#7.20)" (1992)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Mr. Tanaka] We're NEVER going to get ahead of you people, are we?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: These men were all GOOF OFFS, and you WERE a goof off, but I managed to cut you off at the pass. I figure the pass is about the 10th grade, so I'm going back.

"The Golden Girls: Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom Tom (#5.17)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: [singing] Over there, over there, send the word send the word over there, that the Yanks are coming! The Yanks are coming! The drums rum-tum...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: THAT was the lullaby your mother used to sing?
Rose Nylund: Yes, it was the only song she knew.

Rose Nylund: When I get nervous I put my head between my knees.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, that's for nausea.
Rose Nylund: When I'm scared I'm nauseous. Remember the time that guy tried to steal my purse?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Worked better than mace.

"The Golden Girls: Son-in-Law Dearest (#2.23)" (1987)
Dennis: Mother Dororthy...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Don't call me Mother Dorothy, I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy - I feel like I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta.

Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy's son-in-law has been unfaithful, and Dorothy's daughter Kate wants to take him back] I'm telling you Dorothy, this isn't your business. Just stay out of it!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I can't just stay out of it, Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Then you'll lose Kate, and someday Stan's going to call you up and tell you you've got a grandchild you're never gonna see.

"The Golden Girls: Home Again, Rose: Part 2 (#7.22)" (1992)
[Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia are looking in on a sedated Rose following her triple bypass]
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, my God. Dorothy, look at her!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: It's the surgery. Nobody looks good after surgery.
Sophia Petrillo: Tell that to Cher.

Sophia Petrillo: [the girls are sitting in the waiting room with complete silence] My heiney's asleep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine. We'll keep our voices down.

"The Golden Girls: The Auction (#4.11)" (1989)
Blanche: Wait a minute, Rose. Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?
Rose: Is it this one with the naked man and woman being swept up in the waves?
Blanche: Yes, that's it. You can't use this towel.
[takes towel from Rose]
Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency. We'll replace it next week.
[takes towel from Blanche]
Blanche: Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel. There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.
[attempts to wrest towel from Dorothy]
Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand!
Blanche: I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're lying, Blanche.
Blanche: Damn, you're good.

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Rose - is the ceiling in your room leaking, too?
Rose: No, Dorothy. I just finished milking the cow I keep in my closet. Gee, with only three hours' sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!

"The Golden Girls: Valentine's Day (#4.15)" (1989)
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at a drugstore picking up some last minute supplies before setting out on a Valentine's cruise with their steadies]
Blanche Devereaux: We are giong away on a romantic cruise to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose Nylund: What kinda protection?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Two armed Pinkerton guards! No, Blanche is talking about...
[drawing Rose's attention to items on a nearby shelf]
Rose Nylund: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: One over.
Rose Nylund: An enema bag?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: To the right.
Rose Nylund: Dentu Grip?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Condoms, Rose! Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!
Drugstore Clerk: Hey, take it easy lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, did you ever make love on top of a mountain?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, the closest I ever came was on top of a fat guy named Old Smokey.

"The Golden Girls: Diamond in the Rough (#2.22)" (1987)
Rose: I found out that Baked Alaska can be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose I know something else. Mars Bars are made right here on Earth.

Dorothy: Blanche, did it ever occur to you that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes.
Rose: And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Dorothy: Then what do you have to say for yourself?
Blanche Devereaux: Damn, I'm good!

"The Golden Girls: Goodbye, Mr. Gordon (#7.14)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [In a fake friendly voice] Rose, could I see you for a moment?
Rose Nylund: [Rose fakes wondering if Blanche meant her, in order to stall for time. Approaches Blanche and Dorothy] You're mad aren't you?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about "Lesbian Lovers of Miami".
Rose Nylund: Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat "The Price Is Right"!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras.

Ron: [to the studio audience] Any other questions? Ah! Here we go!
[Runs over to Sophia]
Sophia Petrillo: This is directed to Dorothy's lover: Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, most people don't know.
Sophia Petrillo: Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I really don't know, but... I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.

"The Golden Girls: Twice in a Lifetime (#5.20)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, we need to talk. I waited up for you until two in the morning, and you still weren't home.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, yea, Gertie and I and some of the girls went to Wolfie's to pick up guys.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I called Wolfie's at 11, you weren't there.
Sophia Petrillo: Guess who got lucky?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh God!
Sophia Petrillo: What can I say? A couple of egg creams, the bright fluorescent lights, and a retired jeweler named Shlomo all conspired to make a night of enchantment.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Not for me. I can't tell you the horrible thoughts I had about what might have happened to you, although none as horrible as what you just described.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [happily] Ma.
Blanche: Sophia, you're here. And you have your suitcases. Does that mean you're not leaving?
Sophia Petrillo: I don't get it. I'm only gone for a few days and the dumb one's in there acting like a slut while the slut's in here being stupid! Of, course I'm back!

"The Golden Girls: Family Affair (#2.7)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, what do you call a girl who's slept with a man she's known for less than one day?
Blanche Devereaux: A damn good sport?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I call her a tramp.

Blanche Devereaux: I don't think I can stand it much longer. My body feels like a Corvet up on rocks with its engine racin', the wheels just spinnin' and spinnin' with nowhere to go. I feel like I'm gonna explode! Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my arm!

"The Golden Girls: The Artist (#3.13)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you're a mess!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I just spilled orange juice on myself.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, really? I didn't notice that.

Blanche: Dorothy, there it is. The Statue.
Dorothy: Oh, this is so exciting!
Blanche: I can't wait to hear that crowd gasp, when they lift up the sheet and see me there.
Dorothy: I'd think you'd be used to that by now Blanche.

"The Golden Girls: Rites of Spring (#4.23)" (1989)
[Dorothy, Blanche and Rose have enrolled in a special aerobics class in order to lose weight]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to stretch her legs wide apart] Ooh, that hurts!
Blanche Devereaux: [sitting with her legs already wide apart] I'm not havin' any trouble.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why is it that doesn't surprise me?

Yvonne: [in pain] Oh! Charlie Horse!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to Rose, who thinks that 'Charlie Horse' is an exercise move] That's not an exercise move you peabrain!

"The Golden Girls: Love for Sale (#6.23)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Let me guess Rose, Ivan Boesky-Vanderfloovenhoover-meistergarbengerbenfleckman.
Rose Nylund: That's the louse.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [refusing to participate in a charity date auction] I am not going. It is degrading.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, come on now, don't be a stick-in-the-mud. It's for the Children's Hospital. I mean, if you can't degrade yourself for a bunch of sick kids, who can you degrade yourself for?

"The Golden Girls: A Little Romance (#1.13)" (1985)
Dr. Jonathan Newman: Hello, I'm Dr. Jonathan Newman.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you absolutely sure?

Blanche Devereaux: Oh! Oh, I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I made a fool of myself, didn't I?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yes!
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I feel awful, just awful!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, if you don't want tonight to turn into a total disaster, you have to stop being so self-conscious.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well you're right, of course. Dr. Newman is a guest in our home. If I'm self-conscious, he'll be ill at ease. I can't allow that to happen. It would be... un-Southern.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's a good belle.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, get the door.
[picks up the tray of hors d'oeuvres and walks through the kitchen door. To Dr. Newman and Rose]
Blanche Devereaux: Shrimp?
[keeps walking in a circle so she can go right back in the kitchen]

"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy's Little Lady (#2.6)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [singing] Miami is nice, so I'll say it twice. Miami is nice! Miami is nice! Miami is nice! Wait a minute, you put in an extra "Miami is nice". The lyrics don't make any sense. It goes "Miami is nice, so I'll say it *twice*."
Rose Nylund: Well what about this: "Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice!"
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Who the hell says "thrice"?
Rose Nylund: It's a word!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: So is intrauterine, it doesn't belong in a song!
Rose Nylund: [singing] Miami, you're cuter than an intrauterine!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [storms off]

Big Daddy: Well, now I don't want you to get too excited, but Margaret and I are planning on walking down the aisle together.
Blanche Devereaux: OHHHHHHH!
Big Daddy: Is she happy or sad?
Rose Nylund: I'm not sure, I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.

"The Golden Girls: Charlie's Buddy (#3.12)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I thought you were gonna were something from your closet.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I was. But as it turned out, nothing fit me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops, you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.
Blanche Devereaux: That's not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.
Sophia Petrillo: Of course it does. That's why you have to cover it with a dress.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I really would like you to go with me and help me pick out a dress. What do you say?
Sophia Petrillo: What do I say? I'm your mother, Dorothy. I was there for you when you needed a communion dress. I was there for you when you needed a prom dress. I was there for you when you needed a wedding dress. And frankly, I'm sick of it - buy your own damned dress.

"The Golden Girls: Ro$e Love$ Mile$ (#7.9)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Dorothy is leaving the house to go on a cruise] Now Ma, you're going to do what Blanche tells you?
Sophia Petrillo: Yes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And you're not going to give her a hard time?
Sophia Petrillo: No.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ok, goodbye Mom.
Sophia Petrillo: Goodbye, pussycat.
[Shuts the door and faces Blanche]
Sophia Petrillo: Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy!... This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanch] My mother is to be fed twice a day.
Blanche: Got it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Walk her after dinner.
Blanche: Got it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And no liquids after dinner.
Sophia Petrillo: You're talking about me like I'm an animal!
Sophia Petrillo: [sniffs Blanche] You've been with a man, haven't you?

"The Golden Girls: Till Death Do We Volley (#4.19)" (1989)
Jack McMann: [after revealing Jack and Dorothy in bed was a prank] Jack, I can't believe you went along with this!
Jack McMann: So I got in bed with Dorothy, it was a joke.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't even think it, Ma!

"The Golden Girls: The President's Coming! The President's Coming! Part 1 (#5.25)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: There's a man on our lawn!
Blanche Devereaux: Get the net!

"The Golden Girls: Mrs. George Devereaux (#6.9)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: Someone was actually able to deceived me once.
Sophia Petrillo: Do tell, Rose.
Rose Nylund: St. Olaf's most famous OBMAG.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What's that?
Rose Nylund: Obstetrician-Magician. The Amazing Shapiro. He delivered Bridget. But it was so confusing. "It's a girl! Now it's a dove... Now it's a glass of milk." I don't know how he got her in that deck of cards, but there she was right after the King of Hearts. "Is this your baby?"

"The Golden Girls: High Anxiety (#4.20)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: ...there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, you don't mean...
Blanche Devereaux: Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Obviously you fell off the wagon.
Sophia Petrillo: And onto a naval base.

"The Golden Girls: Fiddler on the Ropes (#4.18)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.
Blanche Devereaux: Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

"The Golden Girls: Larceny and Old Lace (#3.21)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [about Rocco, Sophia's latest boyfriend] ... Ever since ma started seeing him she's on the phone all the time she stays up all night, last night she came with Niquel on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, can I ask you something?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't know what it means - I just don't like the possibilities.
Rose Nylund: No - I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I haven't noticed.
Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Hi, Blanche!
Blanche Devereaux: ...Must you always be so cheerful you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off!
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

"The Golden Girls: Stand by Your Man (#6.11)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: My mother talked me into getting her the new Stephen King.
Librarian: We have the one that just came.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: As long as it's not about small creature taking over the world. It's for my mother I don't want to give her any ideas.

"The Golden Girls: Dancing in the Dark (#5.6)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.
Rose Nylund: I asked you to tell him I'm not going.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.
Rose Nylund: Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.
Rose Nylund: Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What!
Rose Nylund: Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I couldn't!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Of course che couldn't!
Blanche Devereaux: You stay out of this Dorothy.
Rose Nylund: Well, why not? It's all over betwen us. He'll know that tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: A backstabbing slut?
Blanche Devereaux: No.
Rose Nylund: Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favour to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed
[Blanche exits]
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding: Part 2 (#4.7)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: [talking to Max] You hardly ever remember to lift the toilet seat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Please, he hardly ever remembers to lift the toilet lid.

"The Golden Girls: Two Rode Together (#4.16)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [laughs while showing old slides of the family] Pop was sure a lousy photographer. Who is that?
Sophia Petrillo: Uncle Vittorio.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: His head's cut off. How can you tell?
Sophia Petrillo: Because that's exactly how he looked in the morgue when he turned in state's evidence against Benny the Blade.

"The Golden Girls: The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present (#5.23)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [after Dorothy violently pounds on the stall she's trapped in] Dorothy, you do that one more time and I'm going to write on the wall "For a good time, call Dorothy Zbornak".
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [laughs] Blanche, this is the ladies' room.
Blanche Devereaux: RIGHT!

"The Golden Girls: Empty Nests (#2.26)" (1987)
[the girls' friend and neighbour Renee is worried that her doctor husband spends too long at work and doesn't have much time for her]
Blanche Devereaux: Talk to your husband.
Renee Corliss: Blanche at the hospital they call him St. George! I'm married to a saint and I gotta tell him to work less, I'm lonely?
Sophia Petrillo: Dont you think St. Francis of Assissi's wife had a similar problem? Don't you think she said, "Frank, enough donkeys"?
Renee Corliss: So what do I do? Ask George to cut back on his practice because I don't want to eat alone?
Rose Nylund: Oh no, don't do that. I couldn't possibly see another doctor.
Renee Corliss: See.
Rose Nylund: George is the only man to ever see me naked.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: Well, except for Charlie, of course.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: And the vet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The vet?
Rose Nylund: Our prize hen Henrietta had some kind of a chicken diosease. I don't know exactly what it was.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Chickenpox.
Rose Nylund: No, I don't think so. Anyway, I had an earache so he saw both of us at the same time.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: For that you got naked?
Rose Nylund: I thought that was strange, too.

"The Golden Girls: The Stan Who Came to Dinner (#2.13)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after Stan confessed his affairs] I always assumed this would happen, but I always thought that it would be with that secretary you had. You know, the blonde one that couldn't type or take shorthand.
Stan Zbornak: You're wrong on two counts, Dorothy. One, she could take shorthand. And two, I did have an affair with her.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm shocked. That airhead could take shorthand?

"The Golden Girls: Questions and Answers (#7.16)" (1992)
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, I'm sorry I won't be able to quiz you; Jake and I are due at the Hubbards, but I have a book here that should help you prepare for your Jeopardy try-out.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The St. Olaf High School yearbook? No. Thanks anyway, Rose, I don't think I'll be needing it.
Rose Nylund: Well, okay, Miss Know-it-all. But if Alex Trebek asks you what years Oaf Horwal was on the student council back to back, don't come crying to me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: 1946 and '47.
Rose Nylund: [shocked]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I intend to win this.

"The Golden Girls: Love Me Tender (#4.14)" (1989)
[Spohia is unhappy that Dorothy's relationship with Eddie is purely a physical one]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look, Ma, I am a grown woman and I have needs.
Sophia Petrillo: Needs! You need food. You need air. You need a better wrinkle cream. You don't need sport nookie!

"The Golden Girls: Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding? (#1.2)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [after Sophia has given her advice] You're right, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Of course I am! You think I got this old by being stupid?

"The Golden Girls: An Illegitimate Concern (#5.18)" (1990)
[Blanche is upset after discovering her late husband had cheated on her in 1967, fathering an illegitimate son he never knew of]
Blanche Devereaux: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose Nylund: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, there are two poular theories: 1 - Men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programmes their sexual drives.
Blanche Devereaux: What's the other one?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Men are scum.

"The Golden Girls: My Brother, My Father (#3.17)" (1988)
[in an odd situation, Sophia's brother Angelo is visiting, Rose and Blanche are dressed as nuns, and Dorothy and Stan are pretending to be married]
Rose: I'm Sister Rose!
Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're... uh, going...
[looks at panties in her hands]
Blanche: ...door to door collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people.
Stan: [Stan comes in] I just saw on TV that there's a big hurricane on the way to Miami, and the airports are closed!
Blanche: Aw, *Jesus*!
[catches herself]
Blanche: ...protect us, in this time of great need.
Dorothy: Amen!

"The Golden Girls: Ebbtide's Revenge (#6.12)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: He looks very peaceful and natural.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah... as natural as a man can look wearing a black teddy.
Rose Nylund: It's a beautiful teddy... I think more men should be buried in teddies.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I've just gotta remember that it's not the clothes that make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes oh God he looks like he died in a Benny Hill sketch!

"The Golden Girls: Whose Face Is This, Anyway? (#2.20)" (1987)
[Rose is following Dorothy around with a camcorder]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?
Rose Nylund: Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am infront of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.
Rose Nylund: Don't worry. This is a documentary; it's okay if you're not good looking.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, stop trying to appeal to my ego. The answer is no.

"The Golden Girls: Cheaters (#5.22)" (1990)
Rose: I had the strangest dream last night. I was at a baseball game. Charlie Brown was pitching, Shroeder was behind the plate, Lucy and Snoopy were in center field, and they wouldn't let me play. When I woke up, I was crying. What do you think it is?
Dorothy: Peanuts envy?

"The Golden Girls: Nice and Easy (#1.17)" (1986)
Lucy: Dorothy, Rose, I hope I wasn't too much trouble.
Rose Nylund: Oh, don't be silly.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, we enjoyed having you.
Sophia Petrillo: So did half of Miami.

"The Golden Girls: Triple Play (#5.15)" (1990)
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, do we know anybody named Cecelia?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Your cousin, Ma. She only has weeks to live.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh. Next time I'll accept the charges.

"The Golden Girls: Joust Between Friends (#2.9)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: In the past few days I have been turned down for every available part time job in Dade county that didn't involve selling cocaine.

"The Golden Girls: Little Sister (#4.21)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: [Dreyfuss the dog comes into the living room carrying a pair of men's trousers] I wonder where those pants came from?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: According to the label, The Gap.

"The Golden Girls: Home Again, Rose: Part 1 (#7.21)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [planning to 'crash' a High School reunion that isn't theirs] You have to be prepared. Now, I'm going to go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, Senior Class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?
Rose Nylund: Oh, uh, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose...
Rose Nylund: You can take a yearbook home to your parents.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose...
Rose Nylund: There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, this isn't a riddle.
Rose Nylund: Well, make it one. I had three good answers!

"The Golden Girls: Love, Rose (#2.10)" (1986)
Dorothy: Oh come on now Rose, don't let this bother you. You'll date again.
Blanche: Of course she will. Honey have you given any thought to advertising?
Rose: Oh Blanche! I could never dress the way you do. Besides, I have to wear undies. Not all my wool skirts are lined.

"The Golden Girls: 72 Hours (#5.19)" (1990)
Sophia: [discussing the "birds and bees" talk] Thank God I was one of those progressive parents.
Dorothy: Yes, and I was amazed with your scientific explanation. You told me never to let a boy touch me "you know where." And you spelled "where."

"The Golden Girls: That Old Feeling (#5.8)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, you're not allowed to drive.
Sophia Petrillo: Why not?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Because you drive like Mr. Magoo!

"The Golden Girls: Brotherly Love (#3.8)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, I didn't know you were in here.
Blanche Devereaux: I was hiding behind the drapes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What is this, Hamlet?

"The Golden Girls: Mister Terrific (#3.24)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [on live tv] So you see, it's very important that we eat lots of fruits and grains and try to avoid sweets. Right, Kolak?
Kolak: Why don't you try to avoid sweets? It's not a pretty picture from down here.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why Kolak. I didn't know you could speak English.
Kolak: Hey what you don't know could fill a space the size of Guam!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Since you brought up Guam, why don't we talk a bit about geography for a little bit?
Kolak: You wanna see some geography lady, I'll show you some geography!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Whoa, Kolak!
Kolak: Wanna know what we call this on the planet Twylar, huh?
Kolak: [Dorothy clamps his mouth closed with her hands] Really quick thinking Mrs. Schoolteacher, like that's really going to shut me up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [panicking] What do I do now?
Kolak: Why don't you tell all the boys and girls how you gave Mr. Terrific the axe?

"The Golden Girls: Forgive Me, Father (#2.18)" (1987)
Father Frank Leahy: [after arriving for his 'date' with Dorothy] You look beautiful, Dorothy.
Dorothy: [humiliated, having just discovered Frank is a priest] I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.

"The Golden Girls: Mother's Day (#3.25)" (1988)
[during a mother's day flash back with Sophia and young Dorothy]
Young Dorothy Zbornak: Okay Grandma. Here we are.
Grandma Petrillo: I'm in a wheelchair. I'm not blind. I can see where we are, and it could stand a good vacuum.
[later in the flash back]
Grandma Petrillo: Where's Salvador? He's hiding from me, isn't he? He always hides from me. The little monkey hates me!
Young Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, don't be silly, Pop is crazy about you.
Salvadore Petrillo: [Offstage] Don't lie to your grandmother! It's a sin!
Young Dorothy Zbornak: I mean, he's not CRAZY about you, but he's very, very fond of you.
Grandma Petrillo: He HATES me! the man repairs complicated machinery for a living. Three times this month he couldn't set the hand brake on my wheelchair.
Young Dorothy Zbornak: Grandma, that was JUST a coincidence.
Grandma Petrillo: Please! All three times was at the top of the stairs to the Flatbush Subway Station!

"The Golden Girls: Snap Out of It (#6.4)" (1990)
Blanche: The sixties were an emotional time for all of us. I can still see Big Daddy sittin' on the porch swing, swirling down home brew, picking off peaceniks with his BB gun. Oh God, I miss that man.
Dorothy: Come on honey. I'm sure Grand Dragon, I mean uhh... Big Daddy is always with you.

"The Golden Girls: Foreign Exchange (#4.24)" (1989)
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, do you have any cough drops?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: Hard candy?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No.
Sophia Petrillo: Tic Tacs?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Does it say K-Mart on the back of my nightgown?
Sophia Petrillo: Actually, it does, you cheapskate!

"The Golden Girls: Long Day's Journey Into Marinara (#2.19)" (1987)
[Sophia and Angela have just cooked a meal for the entire household]
Blanche Devereaux: Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life.
Angela: Well, how good could it have been? You left half of it.
Blanche Devereaux: I ate every bite!
Angela: There's some sauce left. If you'd really liked it, you'd take a hunk of bread and sop it all up. You can afford it!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, no I cant! I've put on a few pounds, you just haven't noticed.
Angela: What am I blind? I can see that. I meant the bread. You can afford it, it's only 89 cents a loaf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You two made such a fantastic meal. I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose Nylund: I made dessert!
Blanche Devereaux: Damn!
Rose Nylund: What you say Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Yum. I said yum
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, is this another one of those Scandanavian viking concoctions?
Rose Nylund: Yes! It's called Geneukenfleuken cake. An ancient recipe but I amercanised it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So one might say you brought "Geneukenfleuken" into the 80s?
Rose Nylund: Yes. But I'm not one to blow my own vetugenfluken.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't even reach mine.

"The Golden Girls: Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser (#6.26)" (1991)
Sophia Petrillo: Turkey Lurkey was your nickname in high school.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It was not.
Sophia Petrillo: Really? That's what they called you at the PTA meetings.

"The Golden Girls: The Accurate Conception (#5.3)" (1989)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, what are you still doing here? You were supposed to go to the doctor this morning!
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, I guess you didn't hear about Dr. Segal.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What's that?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm not going!

"The Golden Girls: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die (#6.10)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Sophia Petrillo: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Choice (#4.22)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: I know, girls. Let's make a pact, that we'll always take care of each other, that we'll never desert each other, no matter what.
Blanche Devereaux: You can count on me, honey.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Do you think it's gonna be that easy getting rid of me, Rose?
[Rose looks worried]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That was rhetorical, Rose. But what a comforting thought, knowing you'll never be alone.
Blanche Devereaux: And listen, what the hell? If we do go to a nursing home, let's all go together.
Rose Nylund: But what happens when there's only one of us left?

"The Golden Girls: Blanche's Little Girl (#3.14)" (1988)
Rose: [Blanche is upset after falling out with her daughter] It's not like Blanche to go to bed at eight o'clock.
Sophia: At least not by herself!
Dorothy: She's depressed, Rose.
Rose: Do you think she's depressed because of Rebecca?
Dorothy: No, Rose. She's depressed because Marblehead Manor is only on once a week.
Rose: [pause] Boy, I remember on the farm, when we'd get depressed. Grandma could always cheer us up... she'd take out her dentures and take a healthy swig of the aquarium and then hold a flashlight under a chin, so we could watch the goldfish swim from cheek to cheek... boy we could have watched them all day... but visiting hours were only from ten to four.
[Dorothy and Sophia look on at their eccentric companion]

"The Golden Girls: Nothing to Fear, But Fear Itself (#3.5)" (1987)
Rose: [Rose comes in sobbing] The mail's here.
Blanche: Honey, what's wrong?
Rose: I just got a letter.
Blanche: It's bad news!
Dorothy: Oh, that's eerie - I had the same feeling.

"The Golden Girls: What a Difference a Date Makes (#6.22)" (1991)
John: It was an enchanting evening, Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Some Enchanted Evening. That was the theme of the prom that we never got to.
John: A little more romantic than the theme they had tonight.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Hm. "Wear a Condom" is more than a prom theme. It's sort of become the school slogan.

"The Golden Girls: Before and After (#2.15)" (1987)
Dorothy: [about Rose] This death trip is probably harder on her than it is on us.
Blanche: What do you mean harder on her? We're the ones doing everything around here while she's out there...eating life!
Sophia: I ate Life once, not a bad cereal...when we run out of the shredded wheat, let's give it another go.
Dorothy: Ma, why don't you go back to bed?
Sophia: Maybe I'll have some shredded wheat now, that way we'll get to the Life sooner.