Blanche Devereaux
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Quotes for
Blanche Devereaux (Character)
from "The Golden Girls" (1985)

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"The Golden Girls: On Golden Girls (#1.6)" (1985)
Blanche Devereaux: Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?
Sophia Petrillo: No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!

Blanche Devereaux: Whatever will we do with him for two weeks?
Rose Nylund: Oh there are plenty of things to do down here. We can take him to Disneyworld, the Seaquariam, the Everglades, Rambo.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rambo?
Rose Nylund: The movie, with Sly Stallone.
Sophia Petrillo: I sat through it twice, you'll love it, he sweats like a pig and he doesn't put his shirt on.

Blanche Devereaux: [on the phone with Janet] I'm calling you about David, no he's fine, matter of fact he's so happy here, Janet, that I've decided to keep him and raise him myself. You heard me. Why he said that you and Michael spend so much time arguing that you don't have time for him. Don't you take that tone with me missy, yes I realize you're his mother. No I don't suppose I can stop you if you insist on coming and getting him, but you let me tell you this: if you and Michael don't straighten up and give that boy the love and attention he deserves, I will kick your uppty butt till hell won't have it again.
[hangs up]
Blanche Devereaux: She'll call back, she has to wake the Yankee.

David: You know this really stinks, what am I supposed to do for the next two weeks? Just sit around and listen to your arteries harden?
Blanche Devereaux: [gasps] David, you stop that.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know something, I'm having a real problem with your attitude.
David: Oh yeah? Well you can all just kiss my attitude.
[Sophia hits him, applause from the audience]

Blanche Devereaux: I don't see how doing all these chores is going to make him feel loved.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look Blanche, the one thing David has never had in his life is structure. Now doing chores will give him a little responsibility, he might even start feeling good about himself.
Blanche Devereaux: And start hating me if I make him do all this.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now look Blanche, you do what is best for David, not what is easiest for you.

Blanche Devereaux: [Rose talks about boys and girls having chores on the farm] But you grew up in the country, David's a city boy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh come on Blanche, I'm from New York, I did chores: I made the beds, I washed the dishes, scoured the pots, cleaned the bathroom, folded the laundry, took out the garbage.
Sophia Petrillo: My my, did you attend a military school?
Blanche Devereaux: No, she lived with me!

Blanche Devereaux: I guess when I was little I didn't have to do anything. And I raised my daughter the same way, so that's why David is the way he is now, so it's all my fault.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh now Blanche you can't blame yourself for David.
Blanche Devereaux: You're right, it's my mother's fault, I'm going to give him this list and see that he gets started right away.

Blanche Devereaux: [on the phone with Janet] If you don't straighten up and give that boy the love and attention he deserves, I will kick your upty butt till hell won't have it again!
[hangs up]
Blanche Devereaux: She'll call us right back, she has to wake the Yankee.
Rose Nylund: Well done, Blanche!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh absolutely, nice bluff.
Blanche Devereaux: That was no bluff, I meant every word of it. I'd love the chance to raise David, I might make up for the mistake I made with Janet.


"The Golden Girls: High Anxiety (#4.20)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: ...there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, you don't mean...
Blanche Devereaux: Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Obviously you fell off the wagon.
Sophia Petrillo: And onto a naval base.

Sophia Petrillo: Phyllis Gluckman is giving me a ride to my acting lesson. If I'm gonna be in a commercial, I want to be good.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what are you talking about? The commercial is off.
Sophia Petrillo: No it isn't. I got the director to change his mind.
Blanche Devereaux: Then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?
Sophia Petrillo: No, he doesn't want to get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.
Blanche Devereaux: But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothing to show for it.
Sophia Petrillo: Welcome to show business.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Dorothy is skeptical about Sophia's claim that she's been asked to be in a pizza-store commercial] OK, OK, Ma, where are you going to shoot this commercial?
Sophia Petrillo: Well, we discussed many exotic, uh, locations, and we settled on... right here!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, now hold on here. I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment.
Rose Nylund: Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, what are those pills for?
Rose Nylund: The doctor prescribed them when I wrenched my back.
Blanche Devereaux: I didn't know you had hurt your back.
Rose Nylund: Oh, it's an old farm injury from St Olaf. Ahh, I'll never forget when it happened. It was time to plant the crops, but after seventeen years of pulling a plow, poor old Bessie was worn out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, why didn't you just get another mule?
Rose Nylund: Oh, Bessie wasn't a mule. She was a big, fat lady who pulled farm plows for a living.
Blanche Devereaux: [astonished] For God's sake. What about tractors?
Rose Nylund: Well, come on, Blanche. If she was too old to pull a plow, how could she ever pull a tractor?

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, you can't stop takin' these pills. You have a problem.
Rose Nylund: I can stop, and I'll start stopping tomorrow. Oh, boy, will you be proud of me. You just wait. Only I can't stop tonight.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why not?
Rose Nylund: Because... because! Because tonight is the anniversary of the death of my beloved cat, Fluffy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you have never had cats. You're allergic.
Rose Nylund: OK, it's the anniversary of the death of my beloved brother, Fluffy.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Rose is realizing she may be hooked on her medication] Honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.
Sophia Petrillo: Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, let us call a rehabilitation center for you.
Rose Nylund: No, I don't need one of those places. I can't go to one of those places. I'd be too ashamed. I'd be too embarrassed.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What is there to be ashamed of? You have a medical problem. Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was... was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?
Sophia Petrillo: She should have been. Did you see "Arthur 2"?

Blanche Devereaux: [describing her temptations after her husband George died] There was a man. He asked me to sleep with him. I said, *No*. But I knew something greater than my will-power was necessary for me to resist him, so I called my sister.
Rose Nylund: Did she help talk you through it?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, better than that. She drove straight over, she took him by the throat, she said if he ever tried that again she would shoot him through the head.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Just because he made a pass at you?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, did I forget to mention that the man was my sister's husband?


"The Golden Girls: Till Death Do We Volley (#4.19)" (1989)
Trudy McMann: Come on, it was just a practical joke like we did in high school.
Blanche Devereaux: Some of the things we did in high school aren't necessarily appropriate when we're adults, like staying out all night, carousing around, dating every other man you meet...
Blanche Devereaux: [suddenly dawns on her] I'm losing credibility here, aren't I?

Trudy McMann: [just found her husband in bed with Dorothy] What kind of person jumps into bed with her dearest friend's husband?
Blanche Devereaux: Not necessarily a bad person. Sometimes circumstances... oh, you were talking to her.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [reminiscing] All of us on the tennis team decided that we would wear our tennis whites to the prom. Well, I showed up and... I was the only one.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, your date must have been horrified.
Sophia Petrillo: No, her brother was a really good sport about it.

Rose Nylund: [preparing for the visit of Dorothy's High School friend, Trudy] I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.
Blanche Devereaux: [the master of restrained ridicule] Cheese and crackers, Rose. Not Eggs Gefluffen? Ham and Gudrehagens? Pigs in a Svengebluten?
Rose Nylund: No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!

Trudy McMann: [reminiscing about their long history of playing practical jokes on each other, conversation turns to Dorothy's loss to Trudy for class treasurer in High School] I admired you after that loss, Dorothy. You just picked up the pieces and went on, just like you did after Stanley ran off with that stewardess. Boy, I envy you your gumption.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And I your breast implants.
Blanche Devereaux: This may not be my place, but you two hardly sound like old friends.
Trudy McMann: Blanche is right. We should be more positive. Dorothy, you look wonderful.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Awww. The left one turned out nice.
Rose Nylund: [scolding] Dorothy...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Rose, I'm just kidding. They're both practically the same size. How 'bout giving me a hand in the kitchen.
Jack McMann: Were they like that in High School, Mrs Petrillo?
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, no, her breasts were actually a lot smaller back then.

Blanche Devereaux: [the girls are trying to console Dorothy who feels responsible for Trudy's death while they were playing tennis] I remember, I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
Blanche Devereaux: [dripping with righteous indignation] Well pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn!


"The Golden Girls: Mrs. George Devereaux (#6.9)" (1990)
George Devereaux: Blanche, that's Sonny Bono! He's a major television star.
Blanche Devereaux: Boy, you have been gone a long time!

Blanche: Sonny Bono, get off my lanai!

Blanche Devereaux: I'm back to my old self, Blanche Devereaux has returned.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh boy. Strike up the gland...
[she leaves the room]
Blanche Devereaux: How rude. You'd think she'd feel sorry for me.
Rose Nylund: To tell you the truth, I don't feel sorry for you either. I mean, why should I? My Charlie is dead, and nobody's giving me a second chance. Listen, Blanche, I know what it's like to have a husband suddenly taken. I never had a chance to say all those things I would have wanted to say. Well, you must know how that feels.
Blanche Devereaux: Yes, but after what he did to me...
Rose Nylund: Blanche, this isn't about getting even. For nine years you've been missing George. Well he's here, and I'm jealous of you. Tell him you love him, tell him you hate him, I don't care, but just see him before he leaves. Do it for yourself. Do it for all of us who wish we had the chance.

George Devereaux: Blanche honey, I staged my death.
Sophia Petrillo: [eavesdropping from outside] He stained his desk?
Blanche Devereaux: But George, I arranged your funeral. The eulogy. The flowers. I even watched them put you in the family mausoleum.
George Devereaux: Well, what can I say, Blanche? Thanks.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Blanche is considering meeting her 'secret admirer'] I can't believe you're gonna do it. I mean, sure, the flowers are nice, but, honey, are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, come on, Dorothy, how much trouble can I get into in a public place?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ahhhh, how soon we forget the Greyhound Terminal incident.

Blanche Devereaux: [seeing George again, she apologizes for speaking ill of him just before she was told he was dead] Never thought I'd get the chance, but I'm just so sorry that my last thoughts of you were, 'I hate you.'
George Devereaux: Well, honey, you always were fiery. I love that about you.
Blanche Devereaux: There's more. Since the funeral, I've been with other men. Many, many men. I always felt like I was cheatin' on you.
George Devereaux: Oh, Blanche, every day I was gone, I always wished you'd find somebody who could make you happy. How... how... how many men?
Blanche Devereaux: Two.


"The Golden Girls: Zborn Again (#6.7)" (1990)
Dorothy: What's so funny?
Blanche: Oh, Marmaduke. Look at how he drives that car. Ha ha ha! I love my comics. Every day, Marmaduke and Apt. 3G.
Dorothy: I haven't read Apt. 3G since... 1961.
Blanche: Oh, well let me catch you up. It is later the same day...

Blanche: Rose, I refuse to believe you have ever read a scientific journal!
Rose: Believe what you want! See if I care! Hypersexual bitch.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [admitting she had just "slept with" her ex-husband] Oh, I don't know, I don't know, he's just been so sweet lately, and we were at the beach in the same old car that we used to make out in, and it just got to me. It was exciting.
Blanche: Dammit, Dorothy, if you'd have sex in public more often this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Look, I'm mad enough at myself as it is. I mean, Stanley Zbornak made me weak in the knees. What, you think I'm proud of that?
Blanche: Who made the first move?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I guess I did. It was dark, and Stan stopped the car. I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake.
Rose: Well that's good: Safety First.

Rose: [to Blanche] What was the best sex you ever had?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, way to go, Rose. Look, Blanche, it's late, there's only one cheesecake left, so let's make menopause the cut-off point.
Blanche: Best sex. Oh, it's just so hard to rate these things. There's degree of difficulty, style points, choice of music, did they land on their feet during the dismount. Different people have different strengths, it's just impossible to tell. But, anything over a nine is excellent.
Rose: Over a nine?
Blanche: Points, Rose, points!

Rose: [Complaining about a coworker] The truth is, she's a sweet girl, looking for a friend. And we do have a common bond. She used to be a newscaster. Now, she's just an assistant like me. So, there's this cognitive dissonance between her actual and her ideal self which causes her to be practically dysfunctional. Of course, I'm no psychologist.
Blanche: No, you're a nitwit. How come you know those words?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, c'mon, it's not nice calling her a nitwit. But, since the cat's outta the bag, how *do* you know those words?
Rose: I guess it's from reading the American Journal of Abnormal Psychology. It's published in St Olaf, you know. If fact, my uncle Gunther used to be the editor.
Sophia Petrillo: And what were you? The centerfold?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, I need to talk to you privately.
Blanche: Okay.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: There's this person... someone I've known for quite a while... and lately there seems to be this... attraction developing, uh... an attraction I've been trying to deny-
[Blanche abruptly stands up and steps away]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, what are you doing?
Blanche: [sighs heavily] It's a curse. My beauty's always been a curse. I'm sorry, Dorothy, but... like the fatal blossom of the graceful gimson weed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no suckle.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm talking about Stanley, you idiot!
Blanche: Get outta here! Stan has the hots for me?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: For *me*, not you, *fatal* blossom. For me.


"The Golden Girls: The Engagement (#1.1)" (1985)
Blanche: [as she introduces her latest lover to the others] And this is Sophia.
Harry: Well - you must be Blanche's sister.
Sophia: You must be blind.
Blanche: [Long pause] Sophia's home just burnt down.
Harry: That's terrible!
Sophia: Not to me. It was a retirement home - and you know what? They set off the drill in a retirement home - who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs. But they got bells going off like crazy. You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week?... Its not pretty.

Blanche: [Blanche's first ever lines] Dorothy, can I borrow your mink stole?
Dorothy: It's Miami in June - only cat's are wearing fur!
Rose Nylund: Are you going out?
Dorothy: No, she's going to sit here where its 112 degrees and eat enchiladas.

Blanche: I just wonder what my husband, George, would make of me and Harry.
Dorothy: Well, if he was alive he probably would not like it. But since he's dead I don't think it poses a problem.
Blanche: Well, I just want him to know I'm happy, but I could never be as happy with Harry in the same way - as I was with him.
Rose Nylund: He knows, Blanche, he knows. Your thoughts and feelings go right to him, you can communicate directly from your heart, can't you, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh don't ask me - I can't get through to New Jersey with MCI.

Sophia: The fancy man and I have a date at the dog track.
Blanche: Your mother bets?
Dorothy: No, races, she's a dog jockey.

Blanche: I can't eat anything with eyes.
Rose Nylund: I can't eat anything that moves.
Dorothy: Like what, Rose, horses?
Rose Nylund: Like oysters.
Coco: Oysters don't move.
Dorothy: Coco they could dance! Who cares?
Rose Nylund: Oysters move! Very slowly, you have to watch them.

Blanche: [to Rose and Dorothy] And then I realised I was feeling good, because of you. You made the difference. You're my family, and you make me happy to be alive.


"The Golden Girls: Blanche Delivers (#6.1)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: First Becky conceives in a clinic, now she wants to deliver in a bedroom. She's got the whole thing backwards.

Blanche Devereaux: [to Rose] I think it's wonderful that you're taking part in a Senior Sports Classic. You know, I might try entering it myself, in 15 years when I'm eligible. If I can come up with an event.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The luge is the only one where you get to lie on your back.

Blanche Devereaux: [visiting a birthing center] Oh, this is all wrong! What kind of dope would want to have a baby here?
Rose Nylund: [walking into the room] This place makes me want to run out and get pregnant!

Tamara: [a woman is crying out, giving birth] Sounds like there's a mommy in the making!
Rose Nylund: Sounds like there's a mommy on fire!
Tamara: I'll be right back.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh good, we can sneak out.
Rebecca Devereaux: Mother!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Becky, I have to admit everything is well coordinated here. But honey, wouldn't you be happier in a place where there's less stereo and more...
[another scream]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: morphine?
Rebecca Devereaux: I'm just looking into alternatives. You know, hospitals have a rigid way of doing things.
[another cry]
Rebecca Devereaux: Why is she screaming?
Sophia Petrillo: She's conscious!
Rebecca Devereaux: [another cry] I just want this to be an experience I'll never forget.
[sudden horrific scream]
Tamara: You're in luck. You're about to see one of our deliveries.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: We don't need the whole tour.

Rebecca Devereaux: I'm not havin' my baby in a hospital. I'm goin' to a birthing center. They emphasize natural childbirth, in a relaxed atmosphere, with no painkillers.
Blanche Devereaux: Becky, I know I told you where babies come from. Did I ever mention where they come out?

Tamara: [on a tour of the birthing center] We have a lot of features here to create the right environment for both you and baby. That's why we have music piped into every room.
Rebecca Devereaux: So, uh, Mama, what do you think?
Blanche Devereaux: I think it would cost less to squat in a Laura Ashley showroom.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Look, I hate to be an alarmist, but what if the baby or the mother needs more than Muzak and throw pillows?
Tamara: You're a meat eater, aren't you!


"The Golden Girls: Family Affair (#2.7)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, what do you call a girl who's slept with a man she's known for less than one day?
Blanche Devereaux: A damn good sport?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I call her a tramp.

Blanche Devereaux: I threw my back out in aerobics class, you see...
Michael Zbornak: You don't have to explain, my mother's told me all about you.

Blanche Devereaux: I'm tired of lying on my back... did I just say that?

Blanche Devereaux: I don't think I can stand it much longer. My body feels like a Corvet up on rocks with its engine racin', the wheels just spinnin' and spinnin' with nowhere to go. I feel like I'm gonna explode! Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my arm!

Blanche Devereaux: [to Dorothy and Rose] Talk to your children, tell them how you feel, just make sure it brings you closer together, not farther apart.
Sophia Petrillo: Who are you, Mr. Spock?
Rose Nylund: I think you mean Doctor Spock, Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo: They're both really smart and they both got big ears, who cares?

Blanche Devereaux: I didn't listen to my children, you don't see any of them coming to visit me, do you?
Sophia Petrillo: [dressed all in black with a veil included] I can't even see my hand in front of my face.


"The Golden Girls: The Artist (#3.13)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you're a mess!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I just spilled orange juice on myself.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, really? I didn't notice that.

Blanche: Dorothy, there it is. The Statue.
Dorothy: Oh, this is so exciting!
Blanche: I can't wait to hear that crowd gasp, when they lift up the sheet and see me there.
Dorothy: I'd think you'd be used to that by now Blanche.

Blanche Devereaux: [the girls have been arguing about posing for Lazlo] You, too?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: He asked me last Thursday.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I am stunned.
Rose Nylund: I'm relieved.
Blanche Devereaux: Relieved?
Rose Nylund: Well, sure. The woman you saw in those horrible drawings must have been Dorothy!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, what exactly makes you think he's *your* man?
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Blanche Devereaux: Maybe the fact that I found him first.
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Rose Nylund: What about the fact that he dumped you for me?
Sophia Petrillo: Who?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Laszlo, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Who's Laszlo?
Rose Nylund: A Hungarian artist we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia Petrillo: In the future, a simple none of your business, Sophia will suffice!

Laszlo: So, I am caught at last. Well, what can I say?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche and Rose, get out. Dorothy, it's *you* I want!
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've... never seen him in overalls before.

Blanche Devereaux: [after the statue has been unveiled] Oh! My God, I look gorgeous!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You? Blanche, that's me!
Rose Nylund: The hell it is!
Blanche Devereaux: Girls, be serious. Look at those eyes.
Rose Nylund: Look at the nose.
Sophia Petrillo: Look at the butt.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, you can't see the butt.
Sophia Petrillo: Then it sure can't be you.


"The Golden Girls: Ladies of the Evening (#2.2)" (1986)
[Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose have been arrested and locked in a police cell after being mistaken for prostitutes - just when they were about to attend a party hosted by Burt Reynolds]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This has to be the biggest disappointment of my life!
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Rose Nylund: Yeah. And I've known some real disappointments too, believe me!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you're not going to tell us the story about the exploding pig again, are you?
Rose Nylund: I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy. It was a peg-legged pig! Our possum was the one that exploded.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Forgive me, Rose. There have been so many possum explosions lately, it's hard to keep track.
Blanche Devereaux: So, what was this great disappointment in your life, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Butter. I wanted to be butter queen!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, yeah. What an actress. She was so good in "Gone with the Wind." I wanted to be Miss Olivia de Havilland myself.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, are you listening to this?
Blanche Devereaux: Bits and pieces.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, thank God you're here!
Sophia Petrillo: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, we're innocent!
Sophia Petrillo: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!
Rose Nylund: Sophia, did you come to bail us out?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, Rose! She's dropping off a manacotti with a file in it!

[the girls have been picked up for prostitution and are in a holding cell. One of the "working girls" takes offense at something Blanche says, and Dorothy steps in to save the situation]
Dorothy: Hey you punk... you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me but I warn you I did time in Attica.
Hooker #3: Attica's a *men's* prison!
Dorothy: I know. I was there a year before they found out.
Hooker #3: [backing down] Sorry, chief. Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.
Blanche: Dorothy, that was magnificent, how did you do that?
Dorothy: I taught in the public school system. It's really not that different.

Rose Nylund: There's a story in the paper about the party tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: Really?
Rose Nylund: You won't believe who's gonna be there. Dom DeLuise.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
Rose Nylund: Loni Anderson.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux: Wow!
Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
[Absolutely no reaction from Blanche and Dorothy. She tries again]
Rose Nylund: Charles Nelson Reilly.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Unimpressed] Wow. Who else?
Rose Nylund: John Forsythe.
Blanche Devereaux: [Breathless with anticipation, she speaks faster and faster, twisting the newspaper in her hands] Mr. John Forsythe. Oh my God! He's just the sexiest man in television. And Burt Reynolds is the sexiest man in the movies. Oh, I cannot believe this. All that manliness in one room. In one crowded room. One hot, crowded room. Everybody's steamy bodies pressed up against each other...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche. Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. You're about to set off the smoke detector.

Blanche Devereaux: Girls. Do you see that man over there staring at me? He's undressing me with his eyes.
Rose Nylund: Do you want to move to another table?
Blanche Devereaux: Not yet. He's only half done.

Burt Reynolds: Hello.
[the girls are shocked to see Burt Reynolds at their door]
Burt Reynolds: Sophia around?
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, hi, Burt!
Burt Reynolds: How about a little lunch?
Sophia Petrillo: Listen, if you're buyin', how about a big lunch?
Burt Reynolds: Great.
Blanche Devereaux: My god. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on.
[to Sophia]
Burt Reynolds: These the roommates you told me about?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah.
Burt Reynolds: Which one's the slut?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund: I am!


"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's New Friend (#3.15)" (1988)
Dorothy: Blanche, I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.
Blanche: No, that's fine, but I should point out that it was designed for a dainty neck.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.

Blanche: Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
Barbara Thorndyke: Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay"
[to Dorothy]
Barbara Thorndyke: I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Blanche: Well, I should hope so!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Barbara Thorndyke: [to Dorothy] It's alright
[patronisingly to Blanche]
Barbara Thorndyke: Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Blanche: Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves. Little waves. Dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
Barbara Thorndyke: Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
Blanche: I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Rose Nylund: Blanche, what's a metaphor?
Blanche: It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty". They're not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

[Dorothy has announced to the girls that local author Barbara Thorndyke will be their guest that evening]
Rose Nylund: Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow! I've never met a real author before.
Blanche: I have. I once stood in line at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
Dorothy: You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time it's usually Faulkner, Fritgerald and...
Blanche: And Schwarzenegger. Yeah.
Rose Nylund: Did he sign your book?
Blanche: Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh!
Dorothy: He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Blanche: What was your first impression of me?
Rose Nylund: That you wore too much make-up and were a slut. But I was wrong. You don't wear too much make-up.

Rose Nylund: [Rose and Blanche are at the kitchen table discussing first impressions; a "back in St. Olaf's" story inevitably ensues] We used to call her Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper.
Blanche: Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.
Rose Nylund: No, that was her name! Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper. She had it changed legally because everybody called her that anyway.
Blanche: Then how come your name isn't Big Dummy?
Rose Nylund: Well, there were already three other people in town with that name.
Blanche: Oh.
[nods]
Rose Nylund: But that's beside the point. One day I got up the courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper and I asked her why she always frowned. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles! I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down! So from then on whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave!
Blanche: That is one of the stupidest stories I've ever heard - which proves my first impression of you was right.

Blanche: Hi, Dorothy. Rose and I are thinking about going to the movies; you want to go?
Dorothy: Oh, I can't tonight. No, Barbara is taking me to the experimental theatre downtown.
Blanche: Somebody dragged me to a show there one time. Three men paraded around the stage for five hours talkin' about God eatin' graham crackers. They wore masks to cover their faces, but other than that they were totally naked.
Rose Nylund: And you stayed through the whole evening?
Blanche: Well, I would have left, but one of the actors looked so familiar to me.
[Chews lip in thought]
Blanche: But it was hard to tell since he had such a small part.


"The Golden Girls: Stand by Your Man (#6.11)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [coming on to a man in the library] Hi, whatcha readin'?
Blanche Devereaux: [she looks at the spine of his book] Ohhh, you must be a passionate man. 'Females to Fondle'.
Ted: Well, it's volume seven of the encyclopedia.

Blanche Devereaux: I certainly did grow up around some ignorant people. Do you know what horrible thing the folks in my neck of the woods did once when I was a young-un?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You mean besides using phrases like 'neck of the woods' and 'young-un'?
Blanche Devereaux: They burned books! The townspeople made a big pile of 'em out in front of the library, and they threw a torch on top. Only, Big Daddy was outraged. He fought his way through that crowd, clawed his way to the top of that pile, grabbed that lit torch, and turned to that crowd and said, "What are you people doin'? This is lunacy. You start a fire from the bottom!"

Blanche Devereaux: [Rose wants to keep a puppy she has bonded with] Rose, the answer is 'No'.
Rose Nylund: Well, that's not fair. Last week you got to keep the boxboy who followed you home.
Blanche Devereaux: There, you see, you don't need a dog. If you're lonely, get yourself a man.
Rose Nylund: I don't want a man. I just want to come home from work and have someone jump up on my lap, and lick my face, and fetch a ball when I throw it.
Blanche Devereaux: You can get a man to do that.

Blanche Devereaux: Blanche Devereaux never goes out with another woman's husband. Oh, except for that one time, but, now, that was not my fault. She was pronounced dead. Those paramedics never give up.

Blanche Devereaux: [on a first date, Blanche brings along Sophia and introduces her as her Grandmother] Having a chaperon is an old Southern tradition. Grammy here brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves, and make my own clothes.
Sophia Petrillo: We was po'.
Ted: Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperon.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, as I said, it was a tradition. We Southern families stick together.
Sophia Petrillo: We sho' do.
Ted: Well, I suppose it's been nice, having someone look after you since you were young.
Sophia Petrillo: I had to. When she was fifteen, I caught her under a pile of hillbillies. Picture it: me with a crowbar, prying cousins off, left and right.


"The Golden Girls: All That Jazz (#5.10)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: [Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Blanche Devereaux: So you told her?
Rose Nylund: No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You are kidding, Rose?
Rose Nylund: No! That's how my mother taught me.
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about... what a man would look like?
Rose Nylund: It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?... Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Rose is upset about work and Dorothy is upset after falling out with Michael] Now look - Rose, stop whining! You know that you're going to have to speak to your boss about your workload. Wallowing in self pity is not going to help!
Blanche Devereaux: [walking in] How are you feeling, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: My life is falling apart and now Rose is bothering me!

Blanche Devereaux: [about Michael] You just did what you had to!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy - wondering where he is - I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know - or in some flophouse or out on the street!
Sophia Petrillo: [walking in] Michael called - he's staying with Stan.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

Rose Nylund: [Exhausted, doing research for work] I have to make sure this watch really is waterproof.
Blanche Devereaux: [Pitying Rose's stupidity] Honey, why don't you take the watch off your wrist?
Rose Nylund: Come on Blanche, then I'd have my hand in a bucket of water for nothing.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stanley, why are you here?
Stan Zbornak: Michael and I made plans to see each other tonight, y'know, a real father-son evening where we can rap, and share our feelings, and create good vibes.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [mocking] I can dig it. Where are you taking him?
Stan Zbornak: The Hacienda Hut. Thought I'd show the kid the town, give him some quality time. Maybe it'll make up for never teaching him how to ride a bicycle.
Blanche Devereaux: Stanley, how come I've never seen you at the Hacienda Hut?
Stan Zbornak: I never have to stay long. I'm a chick magnet. That's why they call me Mr Lucky.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean for thirty-eight years I was Mrs Lucky, and never knew it? Uh, what about the, uh, present Mrs Lucky. Does she know what a maggot you are?
Stan Zbornak: Magnet, Dorothy. *Magnet.*


"The Golden Girls: Rose the Prude (#1.3)" (1985)
[Rose is worried about going on a cruise with a man she likes. She worries that she will have to do "it."]
Rose: I haven't slept with another man since Charlie died.
Blanche: Oh, get outta here!
Dorothy: Shut up, Blanche. Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port!

Blanche: [after looking at her face in the mirror] My God, Dorothy you're right!... I oughta start meeting men lying down...
Sophia: I thought you did!

Rose: I fell discouraged.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.

Blanche: Most of the guys I dated in college were for the stories.
Dorothy: You must have more stories than O. Henry.

Rose: I feel depressed.
Blanche: Is this about Arnie?
Dorothy: No Blanche she's upset because they keep changing the taste of coke.


"The Golden Girls: Have Yourself a Very Little Christmas (#5.12)" (1989)
Rose: You know, I've been thinking...
Blanche: Well, that would explain the beads of sweat!

Blanche: [discussing Christmas cuisine] Sophia, larks aren't eating birds, they're singing birds.
Sophia Petrillo: They don't sing long in Sicily.

Blanche: Rose, for half an hour you've been decorating this house humming Jingle Bells and yelling 'hey!' Now why do you do that?
Rose: Because it's too hard to hum the 'hey' part.

Blanche: Well that's all of the presents, except for the ones we know are fruitcakes.
Sophia Petrillo: Wait a minute, what about the one Blanche hid behind the couch?
Rose: Oh my present for you!
[picks it up and gives it to Blanche]
Rose: I can't wait to see the look on your face.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [grinning] Neither can I.
Blanche: [opens the present hesitantly, surprised] Rose! It's a beautiful blouse.
Rose: I hope you like it. Dorothy said you'd want something crotchless.

Blanche: [watching the poor and homeless come in] I just never thought there'd be children.
Rose: [nods, sees a Santa come in with them] What's Santa doing here?
Blanche: Oh they pay these out of work guys 10 or 15 dollars to stand on a corner and ring their bell, most of them can't afford the price of a meal.
Stan Zbornak: [Santa goes over to Dorothy] Hello.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Hello, Santa.
Stan Zbornak: [pulls off his beard] Dorothy, it's me, Stan.


"The Golden Girls: 72 Hours (#5.19)" (1990)
Blanche: [Rose is just coming home] Rose, what were you doin' out so early this mornin'?
Rose: I couldn't sleep, so I went for a spin last night. To Alabama! Blanche, do you know, at a truck stop in Tuscaloosa, they have an egg dish named after you!
Blanche: Really! How are they prepared.
Sophia: [deadpan] Over easy.

Blanche: [wants to be part of Dorothy's Save the Wetlands campaign] I know I'm not always the first one to volunteer, but I happen to have an affection for bayous. Matter of fact, I became a woman in one.
Sophia: I thought you lost it in a hot-air balloon.
Dorothy: I thought you lost it at a pancake breakfast.
Blanche: Well, those don't count. I mean, they did at the time, but this is the definitive 'where I lost my virginity' story.
Sophia: It's really nice of you to share something so personal with us, Blanche. In a bayou! You slut.

Blanche: Hi Rose, what's goin' on?
Rose: Oh I'm just sitting here kicking myself for not taking care of my gallbladder, and for going to that hospital for the operation, and for letting them give me blood without asking first, 'Oh excuse me, are you sure this isn't going to kill me one day'?
Blanche: Now, now, Rose, take it easy.
Rose: Why does everyone keep saying that? I don't *feel* like taking it easy. I might have AIDS, and it scares the hell out of me. And yet every time I open my mouth to talk about it, somebody says 'There, there, Rose, take it easy'.
Blanche: I'm sorry, honey.
Rose: Why me, Blanche? I'm tired of pretending I feel okay so you won't say, 'Take it easy', and I'm tired of you saying 'Take it easy' because you're afraid I'm going to fall apart. Dammit, why is this happening to me? I mean, this isn't supposed to happen to people like me. You must've gone to bed with *hundreds* of men. All I had was one innocent operation.
Blanche: [insulted] Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying this should be me and not you?
Rose: No! No, I'm just saying that I am a good person. Hell, I'm a goody-two-shoes!
Blanche: AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose, it is not God punishin' people for their sins!
Rose: [quietly] You're right, Blanche.
Blanche: Well you're damn straight I'm right!
Blanche: [pause] I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Rose: Oh, don't apologize, I mean this is what I want. Oh, God, this waiting is driving me crazy! Blanche, when you were tested, how did you make it through?
Blanche: Just kept it to myself, and acted like a real bitch to everybody else.
Rose: No wonder we never knew!

Blanche: [Rose is suddenly concerned about a letter she has received] What is it, Rose. Is somethin' wrong?
Rose: I'm not sure. St Luke's Hospital wants me to come in for some kind of test. That's where I had by gallbladder out six years ago.
Dorothy: Can I see it, Rose?
Rose: They throw organs out after surgery.
Dorothy: The letter, Rose.
Rose: Oh.

Blanche: [brainstorming ideas for Dorothy's Save the Wetlands campaign] How 'bout a celebrity auction.
Sophia: Hey, if you could buy a celebrity at an auction, I'd be showering every morning with Trini Lopez.
Dorothy: Ma, I didn't know you liked Trini Lopez.
Sophia: I don't, but who can I afford on a fixed income!


"The Golden Girls: Twice in a Lifetime (#5.20)" (1990)
Rose: Is it possible to be in love with two men at the same time?
Blanche: Well, let's set the scene... have we been drinking?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [happily] Ma.
Blanche: Sophia, you're here. And you have your suitcases. Does that mean you're not leaving?
Sophia Petrillo: I don't get it. I'm only gone for a few days and the dumb one's in there acting like a slut while the slut's in here being stupid! Of, course I'm back!

Sophia Petrillo: Pussycat, I'm goin' out with my friends. Can you give me some money?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What happened to the money I gave you last night?
Sophia Petrillo: Let's see. Ten bucks went for cover charge, ten bucks went for a round of drinks, and the other ten went into the G-string of a very cute male dancer named Mr Big.
Blanche: I know that guy. That's just a stage name.

Blanche: Good mornin', Miles, how was the bird watching?
Miles: Oh, Blanche, it was thrilling. Have you ever seen a Purple Martin early in the morning?
Blanche: Yes, I have! Martin Gelman, mister 'watch me leapfrog over this parking meter'.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it. What is this hold that Buzz has over you?
Blanche: Oh, I know exactly what she's going through, Dorothy. First love can be very powerful. I felt the same way about Heywood Boyle, the star pitcher on our High School baseball team. Ah, an amazing athlete. That boy had exceptional control.
[she pauses in reverie, while Dorothy rolls her eyes]
Blanche: He was always up for extra innings.
[another pause]
Blanche: And his delivery...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [erupting] All right, Blanche, enough!
Rose: Yeah, we get it. So, what was he like in bed?


"The Golden Girls: Blanche and the Younger Man (#1.9)" (1985)
Rose: Hi Blanche! Gee, you look terrific!
Blanche: Thanks!
[jogs out the door]
Rose: [to Dorothy] Blanche looks terrible!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's because all she eats is wheat grass and bee pollen.
Rose: I know! And the strange thing is the bees look so good!

Blanche: [a man in his 20s has invited Blanche out to dinner] You know what I think, I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk. I'm gonna go out with him this Saturday night.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Was there ever any doubt?
Blanche: Momentarily. This is strictly off the record but - Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: In what Blanche, dog years?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What are you doing now?
Blanche: I'm taking my bee-pollen and my sheep's liver extract and my fish oil protein. I'm getting younger with each passing day.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Great. When they defrost Walt Disney he'll have someone to go out with.

Dirk: [making small talk at a restaurant] I'm into macrobiotics.
Blanche: So am I, I just like this atmosphere.

Blanche: Read any good books lately?
Dirk: Pumping Iron. I saw the movie too but I just don't think it did the book justice.
Blanche: Yes, well... how could it?


"The Golden Girls: The Heart Attack (#1.10)" (1985)
Sophia Petrillo: I've got a bubble.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why're you holding your chest?
Sophia Petrillo: The bubble is in my chest.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What do you mean you have a bubble? Is it pain?
Sophia Petrillo: If it was pain I'd call it pain, I have a bubble.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, do you know what a bubble is?
Blanche Devereaux: [shows her ring] I know what a bauble is.

Blanche Devereaux: What do you want to be, buried or cremated?
Rose Nylund: Neither.
Blanche Devereaux: What do you want to be, flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I knew this woman who went to Paris, went out to eat and she just had watercrest, because you know she didn't want to gain weight. And when she left, this gargoyle fell off the roof, hit her on the head and killed her! And just look at what her last meal was.
Blanche Devereaux: That's horrible, here, eat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Of course it'll be just my luck, I'll eat, I'll gain 40 pounds and I'll live to be 90.
Rose Nylund: Me too, I'm as healthy as a horse, unfortunately I'll wind up looking like one.

Blanche Devereaux: Why are so many doctors Jewish?
Dr. Harris: Because their mothers are.


"The Golden Girls: Mixed Blessings (#3.23)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [Dorothy is unhappy with her son marrying an older, black woman] The same thing happened to the Vigbotters back in St. Olaf. Y'see Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Vigbotter didn't approve. He did his best to keep them apart. But, one day he came home early, and he found Gretchen and Buddy in... how will I say it... a most indelicate situation.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What did he do?
Rose Nylund: Well he yelled at them to stop, but they wouldn't, so he turned the hose on them!
Blanche Devereaux: He turned the hose on them?
Rose Nylund: Well they were in the front yard!
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche gasps] Ohhhhh?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Wait - wait a minute, wait a minute, Rose. Buddy and Gretchen weren't people were they?
Rose Nylund: Of course not. They were dogs! Gretchen was a Dalmation and Buddy was a Schnauzer, and Mr. Vigbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of Schnalmations!
Blanche Devereaux: You know, Rose, sometimes I wish somebody had turned the hose on your parents.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age. What can a woman in her forties possibly have in common with a boy in his twenties?
Blanche Devereaux: Sex! At twenty, a man is at his peak and a woman in her forties is also at her peak so when the two come together, HOT DAMN!

Greta: Lorraine, if you want a young man, fine. Just make it a young black man. Why, I could name ten fine, rich, young black men off the top of my head.
Blanche Devereaux: Wait just a minute 'til I get a pencil.

Sophia Petrillo: [twentysomething Michael is intent on marrying Lorraine, a 44-year-old black woman; Lorraine's mother and two aunts have come by to discuss how to prevent the marriage] You know, I'm glad you showed up. There's something important we didn't discuss this afternoon, and I'd like to get that cleared up before we talk about anything else.
Greta: What is it?
Sophia Petrillo: Is it true what they say about black men in bed?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh yes, definitely.
Blanche Devereaux: [everyone stares at Blanche in disbelief as she realises what she's said] Oh yes, definitely, that is something I would like to know about, too.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, please, that's a stereotype.
Trudy: Call it whatever you want. I'm just grateful it's true!
[the fact that Trudy, Lorraine's aunt, is black herself has provided a certain credibility]


"The Golden Girls: Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom Tom (#5.17)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: I don't care about anything anymore, life has no meaning.
Sophia Petrillo: So, who's for popcorn?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How'd your physical go?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, just fine. The doctor could not believe it when I told him my age.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why, what age did you tell him?

Blanche Devereaux: [the heart doctor asks Blanche to wear a Holter Monitor] He wants to match the heartbeats that this records to my activities, so for the next 24 hours, I have to write down everything I do.
Sophia Petrillo: And you're not embarrassed to have him read that smut?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche's doctor wants her to go back to the hospital for more tests.
Rose Nylund: It makes sense, just to be on the safe side.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, well, of course it does. What kind of doctor would he be if he didn't want to check out everything.
Blanche Devereaux: [very nervous] Yeah, well, if it makes him happy. If everything's as bad as he thinks it is, he wants to put a pacemaker in me.
Sophia Petrillo: Everybody's got a nickname for it.


"The Golden Girls: Son-in-Law Dearest (#2.23)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: [Regarding 'I Love Lucy', as Dorothy kicks Blanche and Rose out the living room] What about Lucy?
Blanche Devereaux: We can watch it on the portable in the kitchen.
Rose Nylund: But that sets in black and white!

Rose Nylund: Do you want to watch I Like Lucy with us?
Blanche Devereaux: I Love Lucy.
Rose Nylund: I haven't seen it yet so I don't know how I feel about it.

Blanche Devereaux: Lucy played Lucy.
Rose Nylund: Then who did Desi play?
Blanche Devereaux: Desi played Ricky.
Rose Nylund: Why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche Devereaux: Because he wasn't tall enough.

Rose Nylund: [after watching I Love Lucy reruns all night] I never realized you could have that much fun staying up all night.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh? Not even with Charlie?
Rose Nylund: Oh, we never stayed up all night, just 7 to midnight every night, and 5 to 7 every morning, and of course, till noon on Sundays.
Blanche Devereaux: Lord, no wonder you still mourn that man!


"The Golden Girls: Feelings (#6.6)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: When the nitrous oxide wore off and my head began to clear, Lou, that's my dentist, said he was checking my heartbeat, but I think he was up to more than that.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, Rose, I mean, what gave you that idea?
Rose Nylund: I don't think 'wowie-wow-wow-wow' is a medical term.
Blanche Devereaux: [outraged] How could he do a thing like that?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Believe me, just because men in the medical profession wear white does not mean that they're angels.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche is telling me about Freud.
Sophia Petrillo: Why are you askin' her? I'm the one who slept with him.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia this is serious, honey. According to this book, if Rose doesn't confront Dr. Norgan, she could take her hostilities out on us.
Sophia Petrillo: Tunnels. He loved to drive through tunnels!

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, you're home from school.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Ma, do you realize you've said the same thing to me just that way ever since I was in the 3rd grade? That's sweet.
Sophia Petrillo: t's not sweet, it's pathetic. Fifty-two years, and you never stopped off anwhere. Get a life! So, did you teach anybody anything today?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, I tried, but it seems none of the kids are interested in learning how to diagram sentences. I really don't get it. I mean, am I the only one who thinks diagramming sentences is fun?
Sophia Petrillo: You talk like this on dates, don't you?
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you're a substitute. Your job isn't actually to teach.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Then what is it?
Blanche Devereaux: To keep the kids from burning the school down before the other teacher gets back.

Sophia Petrillo: [reading the Classified ads in the kitchen] Blanche, I'm tryin' to decide what to get Dorothy for her birthday. What do you think about this? "Good-looking, single, white male, seeks fun times on a regular basis."
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it's somethin' she doesn't have.


"The Golden Girls: Cheaters (#5.22)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: Remember Sophia, when you find money, you buy something that you would never buy for yourself.
Sophia Petrillo: What are you going to buy for yourself, underwear?

Sophia Petrillo: [an old boyfriend, who was married at the time, reappears in Dorothy's life] Dorothy, you'll be sorry.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, come on, we liked each other. He's a funny, warm, giving man. He made me laugh. I am seeing him.
Sophia Petrillo: All right, go ahead, meet your adulterer. But remember, you were brought up a lady. Keep both your feet on the floor.
Dorothy: I'd better go change. Blanche, what should I wear?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, if you're gonna keep both feet on the floor, somethin' you can pull off over your head.

Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche and Sophia were conned out of $2,000 by a man, along with a woman posing as a nun] I just got off the 'phone with a Sgt Delfino of the bunco squad. He said they picked up two people who match the description we gave 'em. They want us to come down tomorrow and pick out nuns from a lineup.
Rose: That must make you feel proud.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, now, that's what Sgt Delfino said: "Why, you must feel proud, knowing that by having come forth as you have, you have possibly saved other oldsters from a similar ripoff." He called me an oldster. I called him a pig. We're havin' dinner on Saturday.

Dorothy: Glen asked me to marry him.
Blanche Devereaux: Paydirt! Well, are you gonna do it?
Dorothy: I haven't had time to make up my mind.
Blanche Devereaux: Honey, don't dawdle. Now, men have a very short memory span when it comes to that question. Sometimes they forget before you can get your clothes back on.
Rose: [Rose comes in from the living room] Oh, Dorothy, Glen is such a charmer. He and Sophia are really getting along.
Blanche Devereaux: Can I tell her? Glen asked Dorothy to marry him.
Rose: Do it! Oh, marry him, Dorothy. Even if you have to sign one of those pre-natal agreements.


"The Golden Girls: Room Seven (#7.10)" (1991)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, what're you doing?
Blanche Devereaux: [handcuffs herself to the radiator] If they're going to BLOW this place up they're gonna do it with ME in it!

Blanche Devereaux: I can go days without food, weeks if that's what it takes.
Rose Nylund: Oh come on, Blanche, you've been known to debone a chicken from across the room!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looks out the window, and up] Ma! Ma, what're you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Just living for the day, pussycat! I never jumped into a haystack before!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
Sophia Petrillo: Geronimo!
[jumps off the ledge]
Blanche Devereaux: Is she okay?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah I think so, Rose broke her fall. ROSE, are you alright?
Rose Nylund: Charlie? Charlie is that you?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh great! ANOTHER one who hears voices!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How long do you think you can stay handcuffed?
Blanche Devereaux: My personal best is 38 hours... of course then I had somebody to play with.


"The Golden Girls: Triple Play (#5.15)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: Caroline, you think your daddy has become involved too soon after your poor mother's demise, but, honey, a year is more than respectable. Why, I've had men call me when their wives were in intensive care!

Blanche Devereaux: You can tell a lot about a man from the way he drives.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You know, that's true. Sometimes, Stan couldn't even get the key in the ignition.

Rose Nylund: You're not having company, are you, Blanche? Because I want everything to go smoothly for Miles and Caroline. It's a big step meeting a man's family.
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche's scheme is to meet men by telling them she's selling a Mercedes she doesn't have] Don't worry about it, honey, men'll be over, but they'll be in and out all day.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Don't say it, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: I have to, Dorothy. At my age, when you don't say it, it can back up on you and come out some other way.
Blanche Devereaux: [later] My first appointment's here, right on time. I've been out there watchin' him. He's been lookin' at the car and smilin'. I feel just like a fisherman with a new lure.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You catch 'em, you clean 'em.
Blanche Devereaux: [James is her first "customer" for the phantom Mercedes, as Blanche goes into action] You stay right there, and I'll get the keys.
James: How much mileage has she got on her?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Sophia looks to Dorothy for a comeback to this tempting line] Let's just say that she's been around the block.
James: [Blanche comes back with the keys, and they go outside] I can't believe anything that beautiful is so cheap.
Sophia Petrillo: [she covers Sophia's mouth, until Blanche and James are gone] I'm crampin' up!

Rose Nylund: [distraught] I tried so hard to impress Caroline.
Blanche Devereaux: I remember when a woman had to impress a man's *parents*, not his *children*. Oh, Mama Devereaux was fit to be tied when George introduced me. She wanted her boy to marry a *virgin*.
Rose Nylund: How did she know you weren't?
Sophia Petrillo: Maybe it was all the 'honk if you had Blanche' bumper stickers.


"The Golden Girls: Scared Straight (#4.9)" (1988)
Rose: We should put out the Welcome mat.
Blanche: We don't have a Welcome mat.
Rose: What about the one Dorothy always says is at the foot of your bed?

[Clayton happened to meet Rose after a failed date and confessed his homosexuality to her, now she is helping him to confess to Blanche]
Rose: Tell her, Clayton.
Clayton Hollingsworth: I will, Rose.
Blanche: Tell me what?
Clayton Hollingsworth: Well, I ran into Rose at the park and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton Hollingsworth: And we had a long talk and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton Hollingsworth: And... we slept together tonight.

Clayton Hollingsworth: I shouldn't have got you mixed up in all this. It's just so hard to tell Blanche the truth.
Rose: Clayton, you're selling your sister short. Now at times Blanche can be very understanding, compassionate and forgiving.
Blanche: [entering the room] Get away from my baby brother you cradle snatchin', empty headed, two faced dummy!
Rose: And then at other times she can be a real bitch.

Blanche: [Blanche and Rose have had a fight and Blanche has gone to a bitter Rose to say "sorry"] Now, Rose, I'm about to say two little words and they are the hardest words for me to say...
Rose: [cutting Blanche off] 'Not tonight?'


"The Golden Girls: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? (#6.8)" (1990)
Sophia Petrillo: I've always had a dream, a very private dream, one I never talked about. When I was growing up, I wanted to join the convent. Well, until I was seventeen.
Rose Nylund: What happened then?
Sophia Petrillo: [to Dorothy] Your father put his hand in my blouse.
Blanche Devereaux: So?
Sophia Petrillo: So, I felt soiled, filthy, dirty. You know, in love.

Blanche Devereaux: I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun. I mean, "Nun" - the word says it.

Rose Nylund: Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the 'phone for a half hour, and guess what?
Blanche Devereaux: You forgot to dial first?
Rose Nylund: No.
Dorothy Zbornak: You held the receiver upside down.
Rose Nylund: Huh-uh.
Dorothy Zbornak: It wasn't even the 'phone, it was the TV remote control.
Rose Nylund: No.
Blanche Devereaux: A shoe?
Rose Nylund: Blanche, please, I'm not an idiot... The TV has a remote control?

Dorothy Zbornak: [after Sophia leaves to join a convent] God, I miss that woman. Say what you want about her, we all loved having her around.
Rose Nylund: I miss someone to have a chat with at midnight.
Blanche Devereaux: You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me. The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like, 'Tramp', 'Floozie', 'Trollop', 'Harlot', 'Magic Carpet Ride'.
Rose Nylund: [everyone joins in the fun] 'The Human Luge'.
Dorothy Zbornak: But she was never cuter than when she simply called you, 'Shore Leave'.


"The Golden Girls: Break In (#1.8)" (1985)
Blanche: [Enters covered in flour] They got my jewels.
Dorothy: But I see they didn't get your cocaine.
Rose: Oh my God, Blanche has cocaine?
Blanche: This is flour! I hid my jewels in the flour!

[armed with the gun she bought to protect herself, Rose hears noises from the front door as Blanche and her date are coming in; she shoots towards the door]
Blanche: Rose, you shot my vase.
Rose: I didn't shoot Lester.
Blanche: I'd rather you shot Lester.
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 81 years. I've had pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One morning I'll belch and Stable Mable here will blow my head off.

Blanche: With George, when I'd hear a noise I'd wake him up, and... then he'd take out his gun, and then... he'd have to find the bullets because I'd always hide the bullets, and then... when he'd found the bullets, we'd make love.
Sophia: Boy, can you tell a story.

Dorothy: Rose, this has gone too far, you need to see someone.
Blanche: Dorothy, I don't think a date will help her.
Dorothy: Not a date, a psychiatrist, hotpants!


"The Golden Girls: A Midwinter Night's Dream (#7.19)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: Anything can happen on a leap year's full moon if you just believe.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [clapping] Oh I do believe, I do believe in sluts!

Sophia Petrillo: I have to kiss a fool to save Dorothy from the curse.
Blanche Devereaux: So why don't you kiss Rose and get it over with?
Sophia Petrillo: Technically Rose isn't a fool, she's a simpleton.
Blanche Devereaux: What's the difference?
Sophia Petrillo: How can I explain it... Fools read Dear Abby, simpletons read Ann Landers. It's a fine line.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You invited 15 men and no women.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy I know what you're thinking, but Rose and Sophia will be here, you'll have somebody to talk to.
Sophia Petrillo: No fair, I had to talk to her the last time.

Blanche Devereaux: [angrily] Ooh I hate him, God do I hate him! Not only did he steal my necklace, but he betrayed my trust! Oh please, God, let him get caught, let him go to jail. Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawin' at his eyes!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.


"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding: Part 1 (#4.6)" (1988)
Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise. A Genuine Elvis artifact.
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop.
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.
[laughs]
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outta the club.

Blanche: You know what I always hate doing after a party?
Rose: Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
Blanche: [offended] Cleanin' up the dirty dishes! You twit.

Blanche: [having kicked Dorothy out of the Elvis club] Well I... I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.
Dorothy: ...I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis-fan-club... I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life... I mean there must be a support group for people like me.

Caterer: This is more moving than Susan Hayward's climatic speech in I Want To Live!
Blanche: You're ready to fly right out of here, aren't you?
Caterer: Well excuse me for living, Anita Bryant!


"The Golden Girls: Yes, We Have No Havanas (#4.1)" (1988)
Blanche: Oh, why would Fidel want another woman? After all, he's dipped his toes in the lake known as "Blanche."

Blanche: Blanche Devereaux has never shared a man!
Sophia Petrillo: Or a pizza.

Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
Sophia Petrillo: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?

Blanche: Is this dress me?
Sophia Petrillo: It's too tight, it's too short, it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yes Blanche, it's you.


"The Golden Girls: The Actor (#2.14)" (1987)
Rose: I feel so common, so cheap... so used. How do you usually deal with that Blanche?
Blanche: ...Rose, just for that I'm going to flush the toilet tonight while your taking a shower.

Patrick Vaughn: Ladies, I'm afraid I don't have the time now. I'm doing another project in town, and I have to meet with the director to discuss the nuances of the character I'll be portraying.
Rose: Oh, I think I read about that. Aren't you playing a tangerine in a television commercial?
Patrick Vaughn: Yes.
Blanche: Ooh, how exciting! Have you ever been a fruit before?
Patrick Vaughn: No, but having been in the musical theater for thirty years, I've had my share of offers.

Patrick Vaughn: So what harm did I do?
Rose: What harm did you do? You lied to everybody!
Blanche: You, sir, are nothin' but a lowdown, carpet-bagging, scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!
Dorothy: And another thing, you'll never WHAT?


"The Golden Girls: That's for Me to Know (#7.4)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: All right, everybody, just write down who you think ought to leave.
Rose Nylund: Well, you know this is a waste of time. I'm just going to write down myself.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't tell us that! No, maybe we should do this. It's the fairest way.
Rose Nylund: All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.
Blanche Devereaux: [collects the ballots] Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies...
[reads the ballots one by one]
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy.
Sophia Petrillo: Well, that's it. Let's eat. I'm starved.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Wait a minute! How did this happen?
Sophia Petrillo: We all voted for you.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I- I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.
Blanche Devereaux: I guess that would hurt.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: IT DOES-S-S!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Now if we want to stay together we're going to have to raise $10,000.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I don't see why I have to raise any money. I didn't create this problem. I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.
Rose Nylund: She's talking about me, isn't she?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, Rose. She's talking about Spike Lee.
Rose Nylund: Don't get smart with me, Dorothy, just because you're out $10,000.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Me?
Rose Nylund: Face facts. I mean, we were already roommates when you brought your mother in. So eiher pay up or Sophia should move out.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, thank you very much! But if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold, it's going to be me.

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, you ninny! This says I'm going to convert my home into a half-way house for recently released convicts!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're right, Rose, you are the smartest woman in the world: Burger World.


"The Golden Girls: Fiddler on the Ropes (#4.18)" (1989)
Rose Nylund: I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.
Blanche Devereaux: Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche Devereaux: [Pepe's in the ring, waiting for the bell] Pepe, we need to talk to you for a second.
Pepe: Can it wait until after the fight, Blanche? Right now I have a few things on my mind.
Rose Nylund: Like that big sucker in the other corner?
Pepe: He's at the top of the list.

Blanche Devereaux: Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me the truth. Now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?
Rose Nylund: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I bet you're damn near spectacular.
Blanche Devereaux: [annoyed] I am talkin' about my job at the museum.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Of course you're competent, Blanche, I mean they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly lookin' over my shoulder?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.


"The Golden Girls: The Competition (#1.7)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, aren't you forgetting something? Rose dumped you.
Blanche Devereaux: That's right, she did. I hate being dumped. Just hate it! I haven't been dumped since Wade Hunnicut threw me over for Rebecca Wilkinson, a girl who did not value her reputation.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Did you let him get away with it?
Blanche Devereaux: Hell, no.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What'd you do?
Blanche Devereaux: Slept with his brother.

Blanche Devereaux: I'm fine. I just... feel a little cold and clammy, and, uh... just a little short of breath.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now, you just settle down. You hear me? Settle down.
Blanche Devereaux: Whoo! Don't make me do this, Dorothy. This ball feels like it weighs about a hundred pounds.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, I sympathize with you. I mean, anyone who has ever competed understands what you're going through, so listen, sweetheart, if you don't feel like bowling, you don't have to.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, good.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You just hold on to the ball and I'll throw you down the aisle.

Blanche Devereaux: [Storming into the kitchen] I am stunned, just stunned! Stunned is the only way to describe how, stunned I am!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Just a minute, just a minute Blanche.
[Mockingly]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you trying to tell us, that you are stunned?


"The Golden Girls: Job Hunting (#1.22)" (1986)
Dorothy: [about men] They're so much better at answering the phone in the middle of the night.
Blanche Devereaux: That's not all they're good at.
Sophia Petrillo: [from the far corner of the living room] And when they're really good, you don't even hear the phone.
Dorothy: [turns on the lights] Ma, what're you doing sitting here in the dark?
Sophia Petrillo: Why not? I've already seen the living room in the light.

Blanche Devereaux: You may not have noticed this but I've put on 3 pounds.
Sophia Petrillo: On each side.

Rose Nylund: [looking in the fridge] Ohhhhh you'll never guess what I found!
Dorothy: Jimmy Hoffa!
Rose Nylund: Pepperoni.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh oh.
Dorothy: Don't tell Ma.


"The Golden Girls: Yokel Hero (#4.4)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!
Blanche Devereaux: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I'm gonna have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Rose Nylund: If it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche Devereaux: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose Nylund: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche Devereaux: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... Oh god - it's making sense!

[On an airplane flying to Rose's hometown of St. Olaf]
Rose: God, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see... there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice...
[panicking]
Dorothy: Oh God, it's making SENSE!


"The Golden Girls: Love Me Tender (#4.14)" (1989)
[Blanche and Rose are concluding an afternoon of clothes shopping]
Blanche Devereaux: I just haven't found a thing today. I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.
Rose Nylund: Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts, too?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I *hate* blind dates. You know, Ma, I never would have agreed to this if it wasn't your best friend Edna's good-looking doctor nephew.
Sophia Petrillo: Awwww, he wasn't available any more. He decided to buy a woman from the Philippines. Actually, he bought two women. He wanted an extra for formal occasions.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Then who is this guy?
Sophia Petrillo: Well, to tell you the truth, I was on the bus...
Blanche Devereaux: Wait a minute. You set Dorothy up with some guy you met on a bus?
Sophia Petrillo: Please. It wasn't that glamorous. I saw a sign on the bus. It said, "Lonely? Can't make connections with that special person?" So, I took twenty dollars out of your purse, sent in a picture, they ran it through the computer, and Boom!, you got a social life.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, I cannot believe you sent my picture in to a total stranger?
Sophia Petrillo: I didn't send in your picture. I sent the picture that came with my wallet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, I am furious with you.
Sophia Petrillo: Think of how mad your date's gonna be when he finds out he's not goin' out with Janet Gaynor.

Blanche Devereaux: [Rose comes in carrying a large box] What's in the box, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Oh, brochures for the Be a Pal program. I'm mailing them out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, how does that work?
Rose Nylund: Well, you just put 'em in an envelope, and stick a stamp on 'em...


"The Golden Girls: Adult Education (#1.20)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I got tickets, too! This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard...
Blanche Devereaux: [cuts Rose off] No, no, no, no! Please! I cannot bear that again!
[to Dorothy]
Blanche Devereaux: She was listening to her car radio. Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, and a dime in a door handle, then bim-bam-boom, she won the tickets!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma! How in the world did you get these?
Sophia Petrillo: Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.
Rose Nylund: You know Frank Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.
Blanche Devereaux: Sinatra?
Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Tina Tortoni?
Sophia Petrillo: Tina Sinatra!

Blanche Devereaux: I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to, he said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.
Rose Nylund: No!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh yes! I just don't know what to do!
Sophia Petrillo: Get it in writing.


"The Golden Girls: The One That Got Away (#4.3)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: [laughing and humming, as in ecstasy, while eating cookies] Ha, ha, ha... hmmm, hmmm... oooh... mmm, mmm.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, are you in a good mood?
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, you always could see right through me.
Sophia Petrillo: Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy and Superman couldn't see right through you.

Blanche Devereaux: [to Ham, as she shows him the front door] Beat it, tubbo!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Ham just rang the doorbell] Blanche, will you calm down? I have never seen you so worked up over one date.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, I let this gorgeous man slip though my fingers once before, I don't intend to let it happen again.
Sophia Petrillo: [Sophia opens the door for Ham, an overweight bald man] You couldn't let him slip through your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.


"The Golden Girls: Ebbtide's Revenge (#6.12)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: He looks very peaceful and natural.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yeah... as natural as a man can look wearing a black teddy.
Rose Nylund: It's a beautiful teddy... I think more men should be buried in teddies.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I've just gotta remember that it's not the clothes that make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes oh God he looks like he died in a Benny Hill sketch!

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, I never understood why your brother liked to wear women's clothes. Unless he was queer.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, people don't say queer anymore, they say gay.
Sophia Petrillo: They say gay if a guy can sing the entire score of "Gigi." But, a six foot three, two hundred pound married man with kids, who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour, I think you have to go with queer.

Rose Nylund: You need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, what's wrong with that?
Rose Nylund: Let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree.


"The Golden Girls: Bedtime Story (#2.17)" (1987)
[Dorothy has just told the story of how Sophia had fallen asleep in her bed whilst nursing her through Bronchitis]
Sophia Petrillo: I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake - didn't matter to him!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Please, Ma. You slept like a baby. I know becasues I spent the whole night awake in that chair.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station!
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, you do it any place, don't you, Blanche?
Rose Nylund: Blanche is talking about coming home from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia Petrillo: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

[Dorothy, Blanche and Rose are stranded overnight at a railway station]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't believe this. I mean this has to be the most depressing day of my life. First Edna McCarthy's funeral now this.
Blanche Devereaux: Y' know, being at her funeral today made me start thinking about how quiclky life can pass you by. Maybe I oughta do something more adventurous in my life.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: More adventurous! The Kama Sutra had to publish a supplement because of you!
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not talking about men. I'm talking about things I've always wanted to do but never got around to trying. Dorothy, didn't you have something you wanted to do? Some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mm-hm. I awlays wanted to try a nudist camp.
Stationmaster: [overhearing] Some big pots belong on the back burner.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to stationmaster] Uh, don't you have a cousin you should be dating?

Rose Nylund: Why don't we wait outside on the platform? The train will be along in a few minutes.
Stationmaster: The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: How could our train have left a half-hour early?
Stationmaster: Oh, all the trains out of Appalappichobee leave early. That's what our town's famous for! Now, y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our Trains Leave Early" right on the town seal!
Rose Nylund: You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!
Blanche Devereaux: This is like a Twilight Zone... somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yeah, uh, when is the next train to Miami?
Stationmaster: Well, we've got one scheduled to leave at 6 AM tomorrow morning.
Rose Nylund: Does that mean it'll actually leave at 5:30?
Stationmaster: Welcome to Appalappichobee!


"The Golden Girls: That Old Feeling (#5.8)" (1989)
Blanche: [Blanche telling the girls about her night with her late husband George's brother, Jamie] All we did all night was talk about George. How much George loved me, how George couldn't take his eyes off me, how George would have to save his money to buy presents good enough for me. It felt so good talking about George.

Blanche: I haven't told you my wonderful news: my mother-in-law died.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm sorry.
Blanche: Well, I'm not. I loathed Mama Devereaux, and the feeling was entirely mutual. 'Til the day George died, she always introduced me as his 'first wife'. I just hope the old witch went slowly.
Jamie: [later her brother-in-law Jamie arrives to settle Blanche's part of the estate] Fortunately the business with the Will shouldn't take long.
Blanche: I shouldn't think so. I'd hardly expect Mama Devereaux to leave me the family silver.
Jamie: Well, as her executor I had to go over her Will with her, the list of beneficiaries. Well, she was pretty far gone by then, but when we got to your name, she kept repeatin' in this weak, little voice, "I want her to have it. I want her to have it."
Blanche: Well, I am surprised.
Jamie: She was talkin' about her disease.

Blanche: [after a long talk about her late husband George, with his brother Jamie over dinner] It made me realize why, from the time I laid eyes on him 'til the day he died, there was never, never another man in my life.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, Blanche, you? You were never tempted.
Blanche: Never.
Sophia Petrillo: Didn't you have your milk delivered?


"The Golden Girls: The Monkey Show (#7.8)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: [running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There."
[plays a piano intro, then sings]
Rose Nylund: Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.
Rose Nylund: Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll!
[grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.]
Rose Nylund: We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...
Blanche Devereaux: Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.
Sophia Petrillo: [over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.
Blanche Devereaux: You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why aren't you arrested more?

Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy has just returned from her last therapy session with former husband Stan] Oh, you're back from your session early. Was it as cathartic as you thought?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, I don't know if "cathartic" is the word.
Rose Nylund: You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am. Like, "Was it cathartic? Oh, I've had a catharticism. 'Course, I'm not the type to kiss and catharterize."


"The Golden Girls: Snap Out of It (#6.4)" (1990)
Blanche: The sixties were an emotional time for all of us. I can still see Big Daddy sittin' on the porch swing, swirling down home brew, picking off peaceniks with his BB gun. Oh God, I miss that man.
Dorothy: Come on honey. I'm sure Grand Dragon, I mean uhh... Big Daddy is always with you.

Blanche: You know, Sophia... This birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You think you could help me, too?
Sophia Petrillo: Sure. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: you're old, you sag, get over it!
Blanche: [angrily] Sophia?
Sophia Petrillo: So what if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, ya fossil!
Blanche: My mistake; I thought since you look like Yoda, you were also wise.
[walks off]

Rose Nylund: [planning a surprise] I have to figure out which of the traditional St Olaf party games to play at Blanche's party.
Blanche: [suddenly walks into the kitchen] Party? Is that why you've been sneakin' around tryin' to find out my age? A party? I forbid it!
Rose Nylund: Blanche, a party is a celebration of life, and it's not just for you, but for your friends who love you.
Blanche: [unyielding] No!
Rose Nylund: Stop being so vain. You can't stay 42 forever.
Blanche: Yes you can! If you eat right, exercise regularly, and live with women who look at lot older than you.
[she leaves in a huff]
Dorothy: Tell me, Rose, is 'Kill the Bitch' a traditional St Olaf party game?


"The Golden Girls: The Housekeeper (#3.4)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: So, Marguerite, wont you start by telling us a little about yourself.
Marguerite Brown: Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm hard working. Honest. And I'll work for a reasonable wage.
Rose Nylund: That's it?
Marguerite Brown: Alright. I wont go on with this charade any longer. There is something else, I'm black. Now if that's a problem for you, I'm white. Course that'll cost you extra!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite Brown: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose Nylund: Oh, neither do Dorothy and I.

Sophia Petrillo: So what's all this crap about you putting a curse on my daughter?
Marguerite Brown: What is she talking about?
Sophia Petrillo: Don't play dumb with me. I've been known to cast a curse myself. Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers? Wrong, baby! I was tired of her!
Marguerite Brown: Is that what you think this is all about? You think I put a curse on you?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, it's true! You got mad at us for firing you, that's why you reversed that love potion you gave me.
Marguerite Brown: Honey, that wasn't love potion. That was Chanel Number 5!
Rose Nylund: I'm not buying that! Dorothy uses Chanel Number 5 all the time and she never attracts men!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [coming onto the lanai carrying a small painted rock] Girls, look what I found under my bed.
Rose Nylund: Gee, that's the most colorful dustball I've ever seen.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: This is no dustball, Rose. I think it may be some kind of charm.
Marguerite Brown: [overhearing] It is! I learned it from my grandmother. You put a specially painted rock beneath a person's bed to bring them a restful sleep.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Are you telling me that you put this under my bed?
Marguerite Brown: Well, I was only trying to be helpful! I figured with those terrible bags you needed the rest.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche Devereaux: And besides it'll take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, I have an idea. Why don't each of you take it in turns hitting me with a two by four?


"The Golden Girls: Rites of Spring (#4.23)" (1989)
[Sophia has taken the girls to a local salon to get their hair done by the "gorgeous" Eduardo]
Eduardo: Who's hair do I wash first?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm first. I'm the dirtiest!

[Dorothy, Blanche and Rose have enrolled in a special aerobics class in order to lose weight]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [trying to stretch her legs wide apart] Ooh, that hurts!
Blanche Devereaux: [sitting with her legs already wide apart] I'm not havin' any trouble.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why is it that doesn't surprise me?

[the Dorothy and Rose are joining an all female gym, which upsets Blanche since she prefers a coed gym where she was picked up by men]
Yvonne: Hello. My name is Yvonne. Have you been here before?
Blanche Devereaux: [to Dorothy] See? Go yo a women's gym, you get hit on by a woman.
Yvonne: I work here.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply anything.
Rose Nylund: She just thought you were a lesbian.


"The Golden Girls: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die (#6.10)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [the doorbell rings, and Sophia expects it's her date, as Blanche coaches her] Take your glasses off. And you know, it's a good idea if you can find something to compliment him on.
Sophia Petrillo: [she opens the door, and without her glasses she can't tell it's really Miles, not her date] Hi. Is it my imagination, or do you have less hair on your knuckles?
Miles Webber: Well, it could be, Sophia. At my age, everything starts to go.
Rose Nylund: Sophia, it's Miles.
Miles Webber: [to Sophia] Hey, you look beautiful!
Sophia Petrillo: Boy, it has been a long time for you, hasn't it, big fella?

Sophia Petrillo: [talking about her new boyfriend, Tony Delveccio] I fantasize about him all day. Last night I dreamed I was Joan of Arc, and he was comin' at me with a hose.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [embarrassed to hear her mother discussing her love life] Ma, maybe it was just a religious experience dream.
Blanche Devereaux: Did he put out the fire?
Sophia Petrillo: Three times.
Blanche Devereaux: [in awe] Wow. The seldom-achieved Joan of Arc fantasy triple! Sophia, I hate you!

Blanche Devereaux: [to Rose] If you hold Miles at bay, amazing things will start to happen. Oh, he'll become more attentive, he'll send you flowers. He'll be a prisoner of love, and you'll be the warden. And if you're interested, I have costumes for both of you to rent.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche! First you tell my mother to sleep with a stranger, now this. I mean, what makes you think you know everything about the opposite sex?
Blanche Devereaux: Let the record speak for itself. I have had one hundred and forty-three relationships.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And no convictions!


"The Golden Girls: There Goes the Bride: Part 1 (#6.16)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: Who is this secret man you're seein'?
Rose Nylund: Oh, it's not a secret. His name is Ray. He's a friend of Miles.
Blanche Devereaux: You are dating a friend of Miles? You scalywag.
Sophia Petrillo: You skunkweed.
Blanche Devereaux: What's that mean?
Sophia Petrillo: I don't know. What does yours mean?

Blanche Devereaux: Goin' out with your boyfriend's friend is very exciting. Take it from me. I wrote the book on dating.
Rose Nylund: Really? What's it called?
Blanche Devereaux: It doesn't have a title, you twit.
Dorothy Zbornak: [Dorothy enters, wearing a bathrobe to keep Sophia from finding out she's dressed to go out with Stan] Hi. Ahh, sorry. Well, good night.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, you going to bed already?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, what's so terrible about going right to bed?
Rose Nylund: Hey, Blanche, that's a great title for your book!

Blanche Devereaux: Well, did you have a good time tonight?
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, it was wonderful. Oh, girls, I cannot tell you how nice it is to be with Stan lately. He's fun, and attentive, and sweet, oh, even in the bedroom he's just... well, he's really brought new meaning to the word 'solicitous'.
Rose Nylund: [giggling, then looking confused] What was the old meaning again?


"The Golden Girls: Ro$e Love$ Mile$ (#7.9)" (1991)
Rose: [after a date with a very frugal Miles] Lately Miles is so tight!
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man!
[Begins babbling about men's tight muscles and loses focus]
Blanche: Why, Rose! When did you get in?
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was saying how lately Miles has been really tight.
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [to Blanch] My mother is to be fed twice a day.
Blanche: Got it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Walk her after dinner.
Blanche: Got it.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And no liquids after dinner.
Sophia Petrillo: You're talking about me like I'm an animal!
Sophia Petrillo: [sniffs Blanche] You've been with a man, haven't you?

Blanche: I just wish Sophia were my mother... then I could put her in Shady Pines.


"The Golden Girls: Miles to Go (#6.15)" (1991)
Dorothy Zbornak: Hi, Blanche.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, hi, how was school today?
Dorothy Zbornak: Ah, pretty good. Almost half the class came back after the fire drill.

Dorothy Zbornak: What are you doing?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I'm taking the tags off this dress and saving them so I can put them back on tomorrow. That way, when I take the dress back, they won't know I've worn it... See, I love the dress, but I can't afford it, not $300 worth, and I have a late date tonight, so I want to look stunning for it. Besides, it's not like I'm gonna wear it all that much. I'm just gonna put it on, and take it off... then put it on and come home and take it off again.

Sophia Petrillo: Great news! Gladys Goldfine called, and she's taking me to see Tony Bennett... Can you believe it? Tony Bennett. What that man does to me with his voice your father couldn't accomplish with his hands.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I know what you're talkin' about, Sophia. There are men's voices that get me goin' like that, too.
Dorothy Zbornak: Blanche, there are men's socks that can get you going like that.


"The Golden Girls: You Gotta Have Hope (#4.17)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: [after three full seasons] Rose, will you stop being an idot!

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So that's the catch, you'll let us have the Donatello Triplets if we let your new boyfriend in the show as well.
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia that's blackmail!
Sophia Petrillo: That's showbusiness.

Blanche Devereaux: This whole fantasy about Bob Hope is sick.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Sick.
Blanche Devereaux: I mean, if she's gonna have fantasies, they oughtta be the normal, healthy kind, like... sweaty Argentinian cowboys whippin' things while they ride naked on the back of Brahma bulls.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I have to remember to stop using your towels.


"The Golden Girls: Mother Load (#7.6)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: [entering the room, feigning surprise] Oh, my goodness, we have company. I'm just so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing.
Sophia: Don't worry, Blanche, the dress covers most of it.
Rose Nylund: Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux. And Blanche, this is...
Blanche Devereaux: Why, you don't have to tell *me*. "From the Gulf Coast to the Atlantic, from the Keys to the Okefenokee, with the 11 O'Clock News, this is Jerry Kennedy."
Jerry Kennedy: Well, I'm flattered.
Sophia: From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl...
[Dorothy quickly covers Sophia's mouth]

Dorothy: [Blanche comes into the house moaning after a date] Why do I feel the need to bathe?
Rose Nylund: So, how was it, Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, you might as well ask me to describe the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.
Dorothy: [interpreting] They went to a sleazy motel.
Blanche Devereaux: Or the colors of the monarch butterfly, spreadin' its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon.
Dorothy: She got him to pay for half the room.
Blanche Devereaux: Or the sturdy cypress, reaching heavenward, tall and mighty and proud.
Dorothy: That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.

Jerry Kennedy: [fed up with his mother's meddling] This is my life, I'm a grown man, and I am going to love the woman I want to love whether she meets with your approval or not.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh-ho, put this man's picture on a can of stew!
Jerry Kennedy: Blanche, I want to thank you for showing me the light. How can I ever repay you?
Blanche Devereaux: Hawaii... Big island...


"The Golden Girls: In a Bed of Rose's (#1.15)" (1986)
Rose Nylund: I'm the kiss of death. It's the second time a man has died in my bed.
Blanche Devereaux: The second time?
Rose Nylund: Dorothy knows.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Charlie.
Blanche Devereaux: No! What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?
Rose Nylund: Nothing!
Blanche Devereaux: Well maybe that's the problem, they have to do all the work.

Blanche Devereaux: [has Dorothy try a new recipe] It's called creamy zesty Italian, only has one calorie, what do you think?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If you ran it under the faucet it would have more flavor.
Blanche Devereaux: Shoot.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Honey, beware anybody who says 'no calories', 'absolutely no charge', and 'let's just go lie down in bed and watch TV'.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Blanche and Dorothy are playing cards, Sophia keeps shaking her head for Blanche's plays] Stop telling her what to play.
Sophia Petrillo: I haven't said anything, have I Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Not a word.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You keep shaking your head!
Sophia Petrillo: I've been holding it up for 80 years, you'd shake too!


"The Golden Girls: Hey, Look Me Over (#7.1)" (1991)
Rose: Wait a minute, if you didn't sleep with any of the men in here, why does it say BED on it?
Blanche: Oh it doesn't say bed
Rose: Yes it does, right here.
Blanche: Oh that's just my initials, Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.
Dorothy: Your initials spell B.E.D.?

Blanche: This will prove I am not a sexually indiscriminate person.
Dorothy: Or her name isn't B.E.D.

Blanche: Rose, can't you put yourself in my position?
Rose: Apparently I'm not limber enough!


"The Golden Girls: Sister of the Bride (#6.14)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche Devereaux: There must be homosexuals who date women?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Blanche Devereaux: Girls, I just got a letter from my brother, Clayton. He says he's comin' for a visit next week, and he has a big surprise.
Dorothy: Oh, that's wonderful.
Blanche Devereaux: I bet I know what the surprise is, too. Clayton's met himself a girl, and he wants me to meet her.
Dorothy: Honey, your brother is gay.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, I think that gay thing was just a phase he was goin' through. You know, like, when Clay was in High School, all he ever wanted to do was go see gladiator movies. It's the same kind of thing.
Dorothy: Almost exactly.

Dorothy: Rose, honey, congratulations. I hear you've been nominated again for the volunteer of the year award.
Rose Nylund: Yup. Seven years I've been nominated for the Volunteer Vanguard award, and seven years I've had to watch Agnes Bradshaw snatch it away from me. Well, she's not gonna do that this year. This year, I'm finally gonna beat her. I'm gonna *win*.
Dorothy: Why, beacause you worked harder than Agnes?
Rose Nylund: Because she's dead. Yup, as a doornail. Dead, dead, dead. Coffee?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, how can you be so cheery? It's a terrible thing.
Rose Nylund: Come on, she was eighty-nine, and she died in her sleep.
Blanche Devereaux: She *fell* asleep drivin' the bookmobile!


"The Golden Girls: The Return of Dorothy's Ex (#1.11)" (1985)
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, take it from me, honey, there is no gentle way to end it with a man. When you're gentle with them, they just don't get the message.
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche is so right, Dorothy. That was exactly the problem I had with Eddie Parker. He was this real sweet guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him. You see, when Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO club. And, that's where I first met Eddie the Aqua Midget.
Blanche Devereaux: He was a blue midget?
Rose Nylund: Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a step ladder into this gigantic punchbowl.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [stifling laughter] S-so, um... what happened?
Rose Nylund: Nothing. He'd just swim to the side and hop out.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I mean, uh... what happened between you and Eddie?
Rose Nylund: We talked a lot between shows, and of course I didn't realize it but he- he was falling for me.
Blanche Devereaux: Didn't have far to fall.
[Dorothy grabs Blanche's hand in an attempt to stifle more laughter]
Rose Nylund: It... it started with little things...
Blanche Devereaux: I bet.
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I... I tried to let him down gently...
Blanche Devereaux: You tried to make it short and sweet?
[more stifled laughter]
Rose Nylund: He just wouldn't take no for an answer. So I finally had to tell him straight out that I- I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size. It- it was simply that... w-I- I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still stifling laughter] Thank you, Rose. I... I don't know what to say... And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, why didn't you tell your mother about our vacation?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I was waiting for the right time- like when we landed in New York.
Blanche Devereaux: New York? I wanted to go to an island!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: New York is an island.
Blanche Devereaux: Yeah, but I want to go somewhere with a bunch of men who don't speak English!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Then we'll take the subway.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Stan told me his wife left him.
Blanche Devereaux: And you believed him? I hear that at least twice a week!
Sophia Petrillo: And it works everytime!


"The Golden Girls: Flu Attack (#1.21)" (1986)
Blanche: [the girls have the flu] Dorothy, where's my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: [she holds up an electrical cord] Well if this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket

Blanche: I feel hot.
Dorothy: I feel cold.
Rose Nylund: I feel guilty. This is all my fault.
Dorothy: Oh no Rose, it's all my fault. As soon as I found out you were contagious I should've thrown you out of the house.

Blanche: [to Rose] You don't have to worry about me, I'm very healthy. I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.


"The Golden Girls: There Goes the Bride: Part 2 (#6.17)" (1991)
Truby Steele: Who tied dead fish to the car?
Rose Nylund: It's a St. Olaf tradition- you keep driving until you can't stand the smell anymore and that's where you live!
Truby Steele: [to Blanche] Crazy or stupid?
Blanche Devereaux: We think it's a mix.

Rose Nylund: Oh, by the way, Blanche, Chuck at the gas station says "yo."
Blanche Devereaux: Chuck from Arco or Chuck from Shell?
Rose Nylund: Chuck from Shell.
Blanche Devereaux: Big Chuck from Shell or Little Chuck from Shell?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, you're spending too much time at the full-service island.


"The Golden Girls: All Bets Are Off (#5.24)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, why are you up?
Sophia Petrillo: Same reason you're up.
Blanche Devereaux: You're filled with anxiety?
Sophia Petrillo: I'm old.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not old.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, forgive me. I'm supposed to support your vain, narcissistic fantasy that you're still in your 40's.
Blanche Devereaux: It's either that or a big rent raise.
Rose Nylund: Hi, you guys. What are you doing up?
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia's old and I'm filled with anxiety.

Rose Nylund: Blanche, you can't stay home from work forever. Can't you just swallow your pride?
Sophia Petrillo: There's no room for it. She just scarfed down a bag of Chips Ahoy!
Blanche Devereaux: Why are you insulting me?
Sophia Petrillo: It's a defense mechanism. I guess it's to hide my feelings when I'm deeply upset.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well I understand. In that case, I won't take it personally.
Sophia Petrillo: Thanks, you human mattress.


"The Golden Girls: Strange Bedfellows (#3.7)" (1987)
Blanche: My backside is spread all across the front page! How could they do that?
Sophia: They probably used a wide-angle lens.

Rose Nylund: [reading the morning paper] They caught Gil Kessler having an affair.
Dorothy Zbornak: [assuming it's a joke] Oh, you're kidding. With whom?
Rose Nylund: Well, they don't know her name, but look, they hid in the bushes and took this picture of her from behind going into his house.
Dorothy Zbornak: I don't believe th... wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress.
Sophia: And those look like Blanche's red shoes.
Dorothy Zbornak: And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
Rose Nylund: [outraged] That little floozie stole Blanche's clothes!
Dorothy Zbornak: It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen! Rose, Blanche *is* that little floozie!
Rose Nylund: You... you mean he...
Sophia: She's at the fifty.
Rose Nylund: They...
Sophia: The forty.
Rose Nylund: She...
Sophia: The thirty.
Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Blanche, it's *you*!
Blanche: [mocking] Oh, you're getting so good at that, Rose, now who's that over there?


"The Golden Girls: Once in St. Olaf (#6.2)" (1990)
[Sophia's lost in the hospital]
Blanche: Did you find her yet?
Dorothy: Yes Blanche, about a half hour ago. But now I hidden her again so you can find her.

Rose Nylund: You're not going to believe what happened, I met my father, my natural father!
Dorothy: He's alive?
Blanche: He's in Miami?
Sophia Petrillo: He's an earthling?


"The Golden Girls: Clinton Avenue Memoirs (#5.16)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: Woe is me, woe, oh, woe is me.
Dorothy Zbornak: Problem, Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes. It's my hair. It has split ends, it's dull and listless, it makes my face look...
[she pauses to think]
Dorothy Zbornak: Its age?
Blanche Devereaux: If you're gonna make fun of somebody, make fun of Rose.
[Rose looks up from her work at the kitchen table with a "why me?, what did I do?" look]
Blanche Devereaux: I need the professional care of the most talented hairdresser in Miami, Robaire. Oh, he's brilliant. Do you know he was the first one ever to use mousse?
Rose Nylund: I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche. Mr Ingrid of St Olaf has been using moose ever since I can remember. Of course, it's his own professional secret which part of the moose he uses.

Rose Nylund: Sophia, Dorothy, how'd it go at the doctor's?
Dorothy Zbornak: It was great! He said that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet, and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.
Sophia Petrillo: [not sharing Dorothy's optimism] Oh, lucky me. I can remember from now on. My whole past is gone. I could have slept with JFK, and don't even know it.
Dorothy Zbornak: [trying hard not to laugh] Ma, I don't think so. You're not mentioned in any of the books.
Blanche Devereaux: [in a low, sultry voice] Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, come on now. I mean, he also said that there are things that you can do that might bring back some of what you've lost. I mean, we could talk about the good old days, reminisce with old friends. Honey, you have to look on the bright side.
Sophia Petrillo: I've had a lifetime of bright sides. I'll just have to learn to do without them.
[she leaves]
Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, dammit. I hate watching what this is doing to her.
Blanche Devereaux: I hate watching what it's doin' to you.
Rose Nylund: I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginning of video rentals.


"The Golden Girls: The Operation (#1.18)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: [sees Dorothy outside] Dorothy?
[goes over to sliding door]
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, what in the hell are you doing out there?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Uh checking the sprinkler system. Looks good, goodnight.

Blanche Devereaux: I think this is a lovely hospital room, don't you think it's lovely, Rose?
Rose Nylund: It's very lovely... I just can't help but think of how many people have never left this room.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Where are they, Rose, hiding in the shower?
Sophia Petrillo: She means a lot of people probably croaked in here.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know what she means, but I don't need to hear it the night before my operation.


"The Golden Girls: Larceny and Old Lace (#3.21)" (1988)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [about Rocco, Sophia's latest boyfriend] ... Ever since ma started seeing him she's on the phone all the time she stays up all night, last night she came with Niquel on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket.
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, can I ask you something?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I don't know what it means - I just don't like the possibilities.
Rose Nylund: No - I wanted to ask you - do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I haven't noticed.
Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Hi, Blanche!
Blanche Devereaux: ...Must you always be so cheerful you... empty-headed, Mary Poppins knock-off!
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Let me know if you notice anything.

Rose Nylund: Hi girls... gee what's my diary doing here? Next to a pair of pliers?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, whatever it is you're thinking - it isn't true.
Rose Nylund: Good - then George Bush isn't married to his mother?


"The Golden Girls: The Audit (#3.10)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: I can't get my promotion unless I become bilingual.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh no! Honey don't do that, no job is worth having to date women!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche! Bilingual means someone who speaks more than one language!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh!
[laughs]
Blanche Devereaux: And here I thought it was something sexual.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I can't pawn this ring! Stan bought it for me. It means so much to me.
Blanche Devereaux: He also left you for a 28 year-old stewardess with firm thighs and perky breasts!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [to the clerk at the pawn shop] You have yourself a ring!


"The Golden Girls: Bringing Up Baby (#3.3)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: How long does Rose have to keep this pig before she gets the money?
Chester T. Raney: As long as he lives.
Chester T. Raney: Oh forget it!
Rose: Well I'd split the money with you, girls.
Dorothy: Forget it!
Blanche Devereaux: How long does a pig live?
Chester T. Raney: 25 years?
Rose: Forget it!
Blanche Devereaux: How old is this pig?
Chester T. Raney: 29.
Dorothy: Welcome, Baby!

Blanche Devereaux: I just read that it's very important that every child has a male influence in their life.
Rose: What are we going to do?
Dorothy: We'll all put on Yankee caps and scratch our behinds after beer!


"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 1 (#5.1)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: Well, now I know why Hemingway killed himself. Oh, girls, I have writer's block. It is the worst feeling in the world.
Sophia Petrillo: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
Blanche Devereaux: [ignoring Sophia] You just sit there, hour after hour after hour...
Sophia Petrillo: Tell me about it.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [talking about her upcoming trip to New York] I'm going just for two days, to see a doctor. I've asked Rose to go with me.
Blanche Devereaux: [offended] Rose? Why her?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: She's comforting.
Blanche Devereaux: And I'm not?
Sophia Petrillo: You told me you were having a pedicure when your husband was dyin'.
Blanche Devereaux: Well of course I was, Sophia. It was the third Thursday of the month. If I'd cancelled, that would have been it for July and August, when I'd be wearin' open-toed sandals.
Sophia Petrillo: [mocking] Angel of mercy!
Blanche Devereaux: Well I didn't know he was gonna pick that precise hour to die. How could I know that?
Rose Nylund: Well, he was in a coma.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, he'd been in a coma for days. The fact is, I happen to be very good with sick people. I was once a candy-stripper.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's *striper*.


"The Golden Girls: Melodrama (#6.19)" (1991)
Blanche: Ooh... I've got goosebumps. Mel'll be here any minute.
Dorothy: Honey, why are you so jumpy? You've been out with Mel a thousand times.
Blanche: I know but now there's more at stake - everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I... I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.
Sophia: You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?
Blanche: Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
Sophia: I'm just saying you're lucky Jack & Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip columb.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Hold it, Pussycat. I'm on a roll.
Blanche: I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were maent to be together.
Sophia: I wish I could say the same for your thighs.
Sophia: God, I'm hot tonight!
Blanche: I'm not gonna stand for this.
Sophia: Take it, Dorothy.
Dorothy: But I'll bet you'll lie down for it.
Sophia: Well, that was just plain rude.
Blanche: Some people just don't know when to quit.

Blanche: Tonight, Mel and I are starting a brand new relationship! Do you realize how rare it is to find out that the person you've been sleeping with is the person you love?
Dorothy: No, but you can't go by me; I have morals.


"The Golden Girls: Dancing in the Dark (#5.6)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.
Rose Nylund: I asked you to tell him I'm not going.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.
Rose Nylund: Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.
Rose Nylund: Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What!
Rose Nylund: Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I couldn't!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Of course che couldn't!
Blanche Devereaux: You stay out of this Dorothy.
Rose Nylund: Well, why not? It's all over betwen us. He'll know that tonight.
Blanche Devereaux: It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: A backstabbing slut?
Blanche Devereaux: No.
Rose Nylund: Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favour to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed
[Blanche exits]
Rose Nylund: [to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, what are you doing lining shelves on a Friday night?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm workin' off all my excess sexual energy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why don't we just hook you up to the toaster and make Pop-Tarts?


"The Golden Girls: If at Last You Do Succeed (#6.3)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: Are you tellin' me that St Olaf printed its own War Bonds?
Rose Nylund: Yes. Oh, we were very patriotic. In late '42, we wanted to fund the development of a top-secret weapon that we were sure would end the war: attack cows.
Blanche Devereaux: Take me now, Lord.
Rose Nylund: No-one expects trouble from a cow. The plan was, we would drop these highly-trained, killer cows behind the enemy lines. It wasn't 'til they were airborne that we realized, a cow can't pull a ripcord. Well, the project wasn't a total failure. If there's one thing the Germans hate, it's a mess!

Blanche Devereaux: They're not gonna redeem the bonds?
Rose Nylund: Oh, they want to, but the city would have to liquidate all its assets. St Olaf would be bankrupt.
Blanche Devereaux: And this affects me how?
Rose Nylund: Don't you understand? If we take that money, there won't be any left for the police cars, and the fire trucks, and the Children's Cheese Museum.
Blanche Devereaux: You have a museum where children go to look at cheese?
Rose Nylund: Hey, it beats learning about it in the streets.


"The Golden Girls: One for the Money (#3.2)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: [Doorbell rings] Who on earth could that be at three o'clock at the morning?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [Blanche and Dorothy walking into the kitchen, Dorothy carrying a large pizza box] Hi Rose.
Blanche Devereaux: We brought dinner.
Rose Nylund: What'd ya get?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [still holding pizza box] A bucket of chicken.
[Thunderous laughter from the audience]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I hope you like it extra flat and crispy?
Blanche Devereaux: It's a pizza Rose.
Rose Nylund: I knew that, I meant what kind is it?
Blanche Devereaux: Did you *really* know that?
Rose Nylund: [sarcasticly] No, but I thought I could cover.


"The Golden Girls: Old Boyfriends (#7.13)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [on learning that Rose had 56 boyfriends during her senior year of high school] If that were true Rose, then that would mean you were... a slut.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that? So the woman had fifty-six boyfriends in one year. She's not a slut.
Rose Nylund: Thank you, Dorothy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: She is The Slut! She is the Grand Poobah of Slutdom! She is the easiest woman in this room!
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back!
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [indicating Blanche and then Rose] The Slut is dead, long live The Slut!

Blanche Devereaux: [to herself enviously] I'm the biggest slut!


"The Golden Girls: An Illegitimate Concern (#5.18)" (1990)
[Blanche is upset after discovering her late husband had cheated on her in 1967, fathering an illegitimate son]
Blanche Devereaux: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose Nylund: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.
Blanche Devereaux: What's the other theory?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Men are scum.

Blanche Devereaux: [a young man comes to the door asking for Blanche's husband] My husband passed away a few years ago.
David: Oh, I see.
Blanche Devereaux: What did you want George for?
David: I'm sellin' encyclopedias, and his name was at the top of my list of leads. I hope I haven't bothered you, and I'm truly sorry about your husband.
[he leaves]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, now that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?
Rose Nylund: And you know what else is so strange about it. He didn't bring them in.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, no encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door to door.
Rose Nylund: Are you kidding? In St Olaf, they carry 52.
Blanche Devereaux: Why?
Rose Nylund: Balance!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, why don't they just carry thirteen in each hand?
Rose Nylund: [pauses to think it over] Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.


"The Golden Girls: Isn't It Romantic? (#2.5)" (1986)
Blanche: [coming in to Dorothy's room in the middle of the night] I heard you laughing, what's so funny?
Sophia: For starters, Jean is a Lesbian.
Blanche: What's funny about that?
Sophia: You aren't surprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I mean, I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: [gradually realising Blanche's confusion] Not Lebanese, Blanche, Lesbian.
Blanche: [they discuss it further, then Blanche concludes] Well, I'll never understand what Jean doesn't see in the opposite sex, but hey, if that's what makes her happy, that's fine by me.
Dorothy: There's one other thing.
Sophia: Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Blanche: Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe it! I do not believe it!
Dorothy: I was pretty surprised myself.
Blanche: Well, I'll bet. To think Jean would prefer Rose over me, that's ridiculous!... Does Rose know?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Oh, good. I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.
Sophia: Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a Lesbian, it'll break her heart.

Blanche: Jean's a very attractive woman. She could have any man she wants.
Dorothy: She doesn't want them.
Blanche: Well, why not? A man has so much more to offer, y'know what I mean, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Yeah, I found that out when Mark Perper was running for class president in the Third Grade.
Blanche: Why, what does that have to do with anything?
Dorothy: Well, his campaign slogan was, 'Vote for me, and I'll show you my wee-wee.' He won by a landslide!


"The Golden Girls: Dorothy's Prized Pupil (#2.21)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: [watching the movie] I want to get a better look at this guy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He's in a loin cloth, covered in oil, what more is there to see?
Blanche Devereaux: I don't know but I'm going to move down to the front row and find out.

Rose Nylund, Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Surprise!
Sophia: [coming in] Louder next time, my heart's still beating!
Rose Nylund: We thought you were Mario.
Sophia: You'll have to yell louder than that to kill him.


"The Golden Girls: Mary Has a Little Lamb (#5.13)" (1990)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter] Oh, hi, Ma.
Sophia Petrillo: Listen to this, "If I were truly free, O fire of my loins, I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked together in a frenzy of love.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, who wrote that?
Sophia Petrillo: Merrill Kellog.
Dorothy Zbornak: Merrill Kell... Who's he?
Sophia Petrillo: Ask Blanche. It's her letter.
Dorothy Zbornak: [snatches the letter from Sophia] This is from that guy in prison that Blanche has been writing to.
Rose Nylund: How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?
Sophia Petrillo: [taking the letter back from Dorothy] Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Blanche Deveraux: [entering the kitchen] Good morning girls.
Sophia Petrillo: Good morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter
[hands it to Blanche and leaves]
Rose Nylund: Blanche, I didn't!
Blanche Deveraux: Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another one of those letters form Merrill. I would read it to you anyway. They're not personal.
Dorothy Zbornak: Not personal! The man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.
Blanche Deveraux: Well, sure. And I wrote him I want to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia trees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!
Rose Nylund: Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.
Blanche Deveraux: [obviously miffed] Shut up, Rose.

Dorothy Zbornak: [the girls' young friend Mary has stopped by to visit] Tell me, sweetheart. You having fun in high school?
Mary: Oh, it's okay.
Blanche Deveraux: Oh, I loved high school! It seems like only yesterday. Riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances...
Dorothy Zbornak: Yeah. And don't forget the Hindenburg disaster.
Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters] Ma, look who's here.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh. So, Mary. When's the baby due?
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma! You're talking to a sixteen year old girl!
Sophia Petrillo: A knocked up sixteen year old girl!
[Mary confirms that Sophia is right]
Dorothy Zbornak: Ma, how did you know?
Sophia Petrillo: Because you had the same look of panic on your face when you got pregnant. Kind of like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. I thought only pregnant teen-agers had that expression until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.


"The Golden Girls: Brother, Can You Spare That Jacket? (#4.8)" (1988)
Rose Nylund: [about Blanche's jacket] It looks like you got a jacket somebody else returned. It's kind of beat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, that's the style, it's an aviator's jacket.
Blanche Devereaux: And now all I need is some accessories for it.
Rose Nylund: Like a handbag?
Blanche Devereaux: Like an aviator.

Blanche Devereaux: I suppose I could try a little friendly persuasion.
Rose Nylund: Friendly persuasion hell, this isn't for lunch at the Rainbow Room, this is for 10 big ones, give him what he wants!


"The Golden Girls: Second Motherhood (#1.19)" (1986)
[Talking about Richard]
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You mean you would feel the same way if he didn't have a dime to his name?
Blanche Devereaux: Of course... I would just have to other men behind his back.
[Chuckles]

Richard: Did that champagne kick in, yet?
Blanche Devereaux: No... but if you're ready to make your move... I can pretend it did.


"The Golden Girls: Sick and Tired: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: [about her romance novel] I don't believe it - another rejection! And this one's not even personal - it's a form letter! They just filled my name at the top, see? Oh I'm so upset - I put everything into this letter, Rose, all of me, I held nothing back. Then to have some snotnosed little kid from Harvard send me a form letter - oh! I'm so mad I could scream... AHHHHHHHH!

Blanche Devereaux: My God! I'm hallucinatin'! I see little balls of sunshine in a bag! Does this mean somethin'?
[holds up a bag of something yellow]
Rose Nylund: Blanche, those are egg yokes.
Blanche Devereaux: [smiling] My brain's gone!
Blanche Devereaux: [a few moments later; same bag of egg yokes] Rose, what is this? Yellow eye balls are starin' at me!


"The Golden Girls: It's a Miserable Life (#2.4)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Mrs Claxton, how lovely it is to see you again.
Frieda Claxton: Who are you?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm your neighbour, Blanche Deveraux.
Frieda Claxton: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Blanche Devereaux: I beg your pardon?
Frieda Claxton: With my binoculars, I have a terrific view in your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.
Blanche Devereaux: You miserable old...
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [interrupting] Let's try and get along. Mrs Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Frieda Claxton: Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Why, you miserable old...
Rose Nylund: [interrupting] Dorothy!

Freida Claxton: [to Blanche] Oh yes, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
Blanche: I beg your pardon?
Freida Claxton: With my binoculars I can see right into your room. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal, I'm looking into it.
Blanche: Why you...
Dorothy: [Dorothy grabs her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton] Now Blanche. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me. Dorothy Zbornak.
Freida Claxton: Oh yeah. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.
Dorothy: Why you...
[Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]


"The Golden Girls: The Triangle (#1.5)" (1985)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, you keep your bloomers on, Scarlett. He's taking me out tomorrow night.
Blanche Devereaux: But he wants me, I can feel it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Let somebody else feel it.

Dorothy: [Talking about about an attractive doctor] Back of Scarlett! I saw him first.
Blanche: But Dorothy he wants me, I can sense it. He's a man, I'm a woman.
Dorothy: And what am I, Little Richard?


"The Golden Girls: The Way We Met (#1.25)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Hey, I think we'd get along great. I got a feeling you're a wild woman.
Rose Nylund: Oh, you bet I am! I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don't wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I've been known to put away more than one eggnog.

Rose Nylund: This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
Blanche Devereaux: The Great Herring War?
Rose Nylund: Yes, between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Rose Nylund: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, well that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
Rose Nylund: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring, and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
Blanche Devereaux: Weren't they kind of hard to see riding on the elephants?
Rose Nylund: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Uh, tell me, Rose, um... Ah-ha ha ha!... Did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?
Rose Nylund: Only once. But they shot him into a tree. After that no other herring would do it.


"The Golden Girls: Valentine's Day (#4.15)" (1989)
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy are at a drugstore picking up some last minute supplies before setting out on a Valentine's cruise with their steadies]
Blanche Devereaux: We are giong away on a romantic cruise to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose Nylund: What kinda protection?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Two armed Pinkerton guards! No, Blanche is talking about...
[drawing Rose's attention to items on a nearby shelf]
Rose Nylund: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: One over.
Rose Nylund: An enema bag?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: To the right.
Rose Nylund: Dentu Grip?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Condoms, Rose! Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!
Drugstore Clerk: Hey, take it easy lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, did you ever make love on top of a mountain?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No, the closest I ever came was on top of a fat guy named Old Smokey.


"The Golden Girls: Goodbye, Mr. Gordon (#7.14)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [In a fake friendly voice] Rose, could I see you for a moment?
Rose Nylund: [Rose fakes wondering if Blanche meant her, in order to stall for time. Approaches Blanche and Dorothy] You're mad aren't you?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose Nylund, every man I know is watching this show. This live show. This live show about "Lesbian Lovers of Miami".
Rose Nylund: Every man you know is watching? Hey, we could beat "The Price Is Right"!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, we can't kill you here because there are cameras.

Ron: [to the studio audience] Any other questions? Ah! Here we go!
[Runs over to Sophia]
Sophia Petrillo: This is directed to Dorothy's lover: Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, most people don't know.
Sophia Petrillo: Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I really don't know, but... I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.


"The Golden Girls: Transplant (#1.4)" (1985)
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well the most wonderful thing happened, they found a donor! And excellent match! She was a retired Mormon school teacher.
Rose: Virginia is so lucky!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, I'll say! That kidney was showroom new! Why, the wildest thing that ever passed through there was Ovaltine!

Sophia: You gonna give it to her or not?
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia.
Sophia: What'll it mean, a little less bourbon?
Virginia Hollingsworth: Sophia, it's a difficult decision.
Sophia: She's family, if you can't count on family, who the hell can you count on?


"The Golden Girls: Witness (#6.21)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: Oh, Carl is quite a guy. Lately I've been dreaming about him at night, not Miles! Although, I do have one dream that both Carl and Miles are in.
Blanche Devereaux: [sensually] Oh!
[long pause]
Blanche Devereaux: And?
Rose Nylund: Okay. And Captain Kangaroo!

Dorothy Zbornak: Uh-oh...
Blanche Devereaux: What?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, I hate telling you this, Blanche... no, that's not true. I look forward to telling you this, Blanche. The woman your great-grandfather married was born well outside of Georgia.
Blanche Devereaux: How far outside of Georgia?
Dorothy Zbornak: Buffalo. You're a Yankee, Blanche!


"The Golden Girls: The Pope's Ring (#7.12)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: [about Rose's birthday gift] I can't take it back. I paid in advance.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Can't you get a refund?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, no. I paid with nature's credit card.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You never leave home without it

Blanche Devereaux: You hate me, 'cause I'm beautiful, don't you?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: There's a man leaving in 10 minutes. Be under him.


"The Golden Girls: 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas (#2.11)" (1986)
Blanche Devereaux: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche! How exciting!
Blanche Devereaux: Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation, when my best friend, Lisa Jane Biedler fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I've ever laid my eyes on.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No, this was Richard Jay Wilde. And believe me, his name said it all! Huh-huh-huh! We must've pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance. Ha-hah!
Rose Nylund: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Blanche Devereaux: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why, Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous he made Richard Jay Wilde look like a pre-pubescent choirboy.
Rose Nylund: George.
Blanche Devereaux: No-no, no. Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled. And the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "Hm-hm... May I cut in?" Well when I turned, I saw the man I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
Albert: George.
Blanche Devereaux: Uh, no. No. Thomas Pennville. Uh-huh. Well, after Thomas and I left...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche! I could get herpes listening to this story!

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looking through Blanche's boudier calendar] Whoa!
Blanche Devereaux: September?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yep!
Sophia Petrillo: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.


"The Golden Girls: Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser (#6.26)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: It's time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.
Blanche Devereaux: They *are* the dumbest birds.

Sophia Petrillo: Goosey Loosey was one of the most popular birds in the barnyard.
Blanche Devereaux: THE most popular.
Sophia Petrillo: And the 8th graders are watching a play about how to be that popular, safely.


"The Golden Girls: Old Friends (#3.1)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: But honey she's just a child, you cant expect a child to give back a toy, you do understand don't you you?
Rose Nylund: Just cut the crap and get the damn teddy bear!

Blanche Devereaux: [telling a story] So that's when this salesman from Men's Sportswear walks clear across the store into Ladies Petite and says, "Uh excuse me, miss, but I noticed you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless. Well, personally, I would prefer to see you in the backless." And I said, "When?" And he said, "How 'bout Saturday night?" And I said, "How 'bout in your dreams, sleaze-o!" Can you believe the nerve of that guy?
Rose Nylund: What were you doing in Ladies Petite?


"The Golden Girls: Love for Sale (#6.23)" (1991)
Uncle Angelo: [in an Italian accent] I met a beautiful, young Sicilian aerobics instructor. Gorgeous eyes-a, angelic-a mouth-eh, and a behind that must-a been made on a Saturday, because even da good Lord him-a-self wanna take a day off-a to admire it. I lost-a my heart. And I opened my wallet, eh? Oh, da expensive-a gifts, the fancy dinners, en-a weeekends in Mikonos, eh. I even wore onnea those, eh, tiny speedo swimsuits, shows all-a you gingerbread an' everyting, ya'know. And she leaves-a me. What does a six-foot-seven-inch, American-a basketball player got that I don't?
Blanche Devereaux: Well, Angelo, speaking in terms of the gingerbread alone...

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [refusing to participate in a charity date auction] I am not going. It is degrading.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, come on now, don't be a stick-in-the-mud. It's for the Children's Hospital. I mean, if you can't degrade yourself for a bunch of sick kids, who can you degrade yourself for?


"The Golden Girls: Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy (#6.5)" (1990)
Rose Nylund: [to Blanche] Blanche, are you alright?
Blanche Devereaux: I'm stunned, I'm just stunned.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, what's wrong?
Blanche Devereaux: That call, it was Viola Watkins, she used to be my Mammy.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Your what?
Blanche Devereaux: My Mammy, the woman who took care of me when I was little.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I ever heard anyone called Mammy before.
Rose Nylund: What about Mrs. Eisenhower?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mammy Eisenhower... I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.

Blanche Devereaux: [after learning her father, Big Daddy, had an affair with her Mammy] This changes everything I ever thought about Big Daddy. I always assumed that he and Mama had a wonderful sex life. I walked in on 'em once when I was a little girl. There was all this huffin' and puffin' and high-pitched sounds, and then suddenly Big Daddy shouted out, "GLORY!", and they both lit up cigarettes. I vowed, then and there, I would *never* do anything so repulsive.
Rose Nylund: So what happened?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Bobby Joe Porter explained to me that the cigarette part was optional.
Sophia Petrillo: Remember that one time you walked in on me, Dorothy?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, yeah. I still remember what you said: "Mommy's sick, get help."
Rose Nylund: I would have *died* if I had ever caught my parents having sex.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What, you never walked in on them?
Rose Nylund: Once, but they were only playing leapfrog.


"The Golden Girls: The Custody Battle (#1.12)" (1985)
Blanche Devereaux: [about her audition for MacBeth] I've got this part in the sack.
Rose Nylund: She means in the bag.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: No Rose, I don't think so.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, aren't you forgetting something?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh no, I never wear underwear.


"The Golden Girls: The Accurate Conception (#5.3)" (1989)
Rebecca Devereaux: Well, Mama, I'm gonna do this whether you like it or not.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh... oh, I see, missy, so this is the thanks I get for all those cold nights when you were a baby crying, and I'd have to get up out of bed and grope around in the dark for my slippers and robe, and make my way all the way downstairs, and... scream for the governess?

Rose: You know, I've read that you can even buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners. Or is it, Star Search winners?
Blanche: Buy? Well, sperm used to be free, it was all over the place!


"The Golden Girls: Bang the Drum, Stanley (#4.5)" (1988)
Dorothy Zbornak: [Blanche and Rose are just coming home] How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.
Dorothy Zbornak: You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.
Stanley Zbornak: [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her] I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy Zbornak: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.
Stanley Zbornak: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia Petrillo: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.
Blanche Devereaux: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

Stanley Zbornak: [after Sophia's injury, Stan cooks up an insurance scam] The doctor's coming.
Dorothy Zbornak: What doctor?
Stanley Zbornak: He's a friend of mine.
Dorothy Zbornak: We're going to the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: Dorothy, this guy is good. He's probably the most learned, respected, important neurologist in the state of Florida.
Blanche Devereaux: How'd you ever meet a man like that?
Stanley Zbornak: We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest.
Dorothy Zbornak: I'm calling the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: No, Dorothy, stop. Look, I - I really feel like this is all my fault. That's why I'm getting him. He's the best. And I'm gonna pay for it.
Rose: [astonished] You paying for something?
Stanley Zbornak: What are you saying, I'm cheap?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, *of course* she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!
Stanley Zbornak: [Sophia, buying into the scam, tells everyone a vision told her to trust Stan] Y'see, babe, it's all part of the Big Guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy Zbornak: Mr Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.


"The Golden Girls: The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo (#4.2)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: He had these long, floppy ears. Kind of like a basset hound. When he came to pick me up for our blind date, I couldn't believe it. He jumped out of the car, and ran up the walk, and bounded up on to the front porch, and I remember thinking, "He's gonna trip on those ears." But he didn't. So there he stood before me introducing himself, and I don't know, I was still so stunned, I just kind of half-muttered a "Howdy-do" and he said, "I beg your pardon? I didn't hear you." Well, I don't know what came over me, but I just blurted out, "Didn't hear me? I think you could pick up Radio Free Europe with those ears!" And you know what he did? He laughed. Well, right then and there I started growing very fond of Mr. Preston Bougainvillea, and over the next several months we saw quite a lot of each other.
Rose Nylund: Oh, that's really very sweet, Blanche.
Blanche Devereaux: I know... By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportionate to the size of his other... bodily organs?
Rose Nylund: ...What do you mean?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose.

Rose Nylund: Don't you just love waking up with rain tapping on your bedroom window?
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, absolutely. I always throw open the window, uncork a bottle of cold duck, and slip into my Frederick's of Hollywood ostrich-feather nightie.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Just because of rain tapping at your window?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Oh, I thought she said *Wayne*.


"The Golden Girls: Even Grandmas Get the Blues (#6.20)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: [in a dress with a low cut blouse] Do I look convincing?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: As what, ye olde town slut?

Blanche Devereaux: I couldn't believe you thought I was the baby's mother, what were you thinking?
Jason Stillman: Well I thought 'who am I to judge? I went bald at 23'.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I guess you don't want to go out with a grandmother, do you?
Jason Stillman: No, I'd go out with a grandmother, I *won't* go out with somebody I can't trust. Goodbye, Blanche.


"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Choice (#4.22)" (1989)
Sophia Petrillo: Why do we let things like this happen? Why can't we take care of our elderly like they do in Japan? WHY are there 17 sets of hooters on the coffee table!
Blanche Devereaux: Those are mine, Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, well let me put on my big "surprise face"!

Rose Nylund: I know, girls. Let's make a pact, that we'll always take care of each other, that we'll never desert each other, no matter what.
Blanche Devereaux: You can count on me, honey.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Do you think it's gonna be that easy getting rid of me, Rose?
[Rose looks worried]
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: That was rhetorical, Rose. But what a comforting thought, knowing you'll never be alone.
Blanche Devereaux: And listen, what the hell? If we do go to a nursing home, let's all go together.
Rose Nylund: But what happens when there's only one of us left?


"The Golden Girls: Great Expectations (#5.14)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche comes into the kitchen, wearing a Western outfit and an empty holster] Oh, Dorothy, by any chance, did you borrow my pearl-handled six-shooter?
Dorothy Zbornak: Blanche, you look ridiculous.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I do not! I'm a cowgirl. Yippe-i-o, K-Y.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ki-yay.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well, whatever. Have you seen my gun?
Dorothy Zbornak: No.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, damn. What's the point of wearin' this if I've got nothin' to put in it?
Sophia Petrillo: I say the same thing every morning when I put on my bra.
Dorothy Zbornak: Blanche, why are you dressed like that?
Blanche Devereaux: Because I am goin' to an authentic, Texas-style barbecue, and my date is a real-live cowboy.
Dorothy Zbornak: [astonished] Morty Fishbein is a real-live cowboy?
Blanche Devereaux: He's from Amarillo, Texas. He was the grand marshal of the B'nai B'rith rodeo for three years straight. Who better to go with to a barbecue?
Blanche Devereaux: [the 'phone rings, Blanche answers] Hello? Morty... threw your back out puttin' your boots on? You're in traction? Oh, I guess this means you're gonna be a little late? Oh, all right.
Blanche Devereaux: [she hangs up] Well, can you believe that? Because of one little slipped disc, Morty is not takin' me to the barbecue.
Dorothy Zbornak: What a shame. You'll miss the foot-stomping version of "Sunrise, Sunset".

Blanche Devereaux: [the girls can't believe that Blanche doesn't want to go to the hospital to see boyfriend Steven after his heart attack] Oh, look, I'm tryin' to keep this relationship casual. If I go to that hospital, I'm in, and there's no gettin' out.
Rose Nylund: Don't be silly. All you have to do is follow the orange line down the middle of the hallways. They lead right to the elevators.


"The Golden Girls: The Case of the Libertine Belle (#7.2)" (1991)
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Kendall is sitting down with Posey MacGlinn. She is my main rival for that assistants job. Oh, look at the shameless way she's flirting with him. Disgusting!
Rose Nylund: You flirted with him.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm from the South. Flirting is part of my heritage.
Rose Nylund: What does that mean?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Her mother was a slut, too.

Waiter: [entering with champagne] Compliments of Mr. Nesbitt.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well I'll take it.
Waiter: No, I got it, ma'am.
Blanche Devereaux: All right.
Waiter: [sees something terrifying] Oh my God.
Blanche Devereaux: [turns around and sees that Kendall is dead] OH MY GOD!


"The Golden Girls: What a Difference a Date Makes (#6.22)" (1991)
Rose Nylund: Can I have those gummy bears?
Blanche Devereaux: They are good, aren't they?
Rose Nylund: Oh I don't eat them.
Sophia Petrillo: Then why do you want them?
Rose Nylund: To play army! And sometimes, I line them up around my bed and pretend I'm Gulliver.

Blanche Devereaux: [to Rose] Just shut up you bleached blonde bubble-headed...
Sophia Petrillo: Baboon.
Blanche Devereaux: Baboon!
[storms out, Dorothy and Rose look at Sophia]
Sophia Petrillo: She needed a B!


"The Golden Girls: Before and After (#2.15)" (1987)
Dorothy: [about Rose] This death trip is probably harder on her than it is on us.
Blanche: What do you mean harder on her? We're the ones doing everything around here while she's out there...eating life!
Sophia: I ate Life once, not a bad cereal...when we run out of the shredded wheat, let's give it another go.
Dorothy: Ma, why don't you go back to bed?
Sophia: Maybe I'll have some shredded wheat now, that way we'll get to the Life sooner.

Blanche: [Abot Rose's recent behavior] I am abhorred!
Sophia: [Overhearing] We know what you are, Blanche, I'm glad to hear you finally admitting it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said abhorred.
Sophia: A whore, a slut, a tramp - they're all the same.


"The Golden Girls: A Visit from Little Sven (#3.9)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [looking at an erotic cake Rose unwittingly bought] WHOA OH!
Blanche Devereaux: Why Rose Nylund. Why, that cake is in the shape of...
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, we know what it is.
Rose Nylund: I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
Blanche Devereaux: That reminds me... I gotta give Charlie Melbourne a call.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If this cake reminds you of Charlie Melbourne, we can BOTH give him a call!


"The Golden Girls: The President's Coming! The President's Coming! Part 1 (#5.25)" (1990)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: There's a man on our lawn!
Blanche Devereaux: Get the net!


"The Golden Girls: Beauty and the Beast (#7.3)" (1991)
Blanche: Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.
Rose: You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from "Peter Pan."
Dorothy: What the hell goes on in this house at night?


"The Golden Girls: Sisters and Other Strangers (#5.21)" (1990)
Charmaine Hollingsworth: You remember the time we were skinny dipping with those boys and Big Daddy caught us? And you said it was our church group just practicing baptizing.
Blanche Devereaux: It would've worked too if you hadn't come up screaming 'hey y'all, things look bigger underwater!'


"The Golden Girls: Sophia's Wedding: Part 2 (#4.7)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: [talking to Max] You hardly ever remember to lift the toilet seat up.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Please, he hardly ever remembers to lift the toilet lid.


"The Golden Girls: The Mangiacavallo Curse Makes a Lousy Wedding Present (#5.23)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [after Dorothy violently pounds on the stall she's trapped in] Dorothy, you do that one more time and I'm going to write on the wall "For a good time, call Dorothy Zbornak".
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [laughs] Blanche, this is the ladies' room.
Blanche Devereaux: RIGHT!


"The Golden Girls: The President's Coming! The President's Coming! Part 2 (#5.26)" (1990)
Blanche Devereaux: [about Stan] You know, Dorothy, every now and then it dawns on me you had children with this man.


"The Golden Girls: Empty Nests (#2.26)" (1987)
[the girls' friend and neighbour Renee is worried that her doctor husband spends too long at work and doesn't have much time for her]
Blanche Devereaux: Talk to your husband.
Renee Corliss: Blanche, at the hospital they call him St. George! I'm married to a saint and I'm gonna tell him to work less, I'm lonely?
Sophia Petrillo: Dont you think St. Francis of Assisi's wife had a similar problem? Don't you think she said, "Frank, enough donkeys"?
Renee Corliss: So what do I do? Ask George to cut back on his practice because I don't want to eat alone?
Rose Nylund: Oh no, don't do that. I couldn't possibly go to another doctor.
Renee Corliss: See?
Rose Nylund: George is the only man to ever see me naked.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: Well, except for Charlie, of course.
Blanche Devereaux: Get outta here.
Rose Nylund: And the vet.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: The vet?
Rose Nylund: Our prize hen, Henrietta, had some kind of a chicken disease. I don't exactly know what it was.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Chickenpox.
Rose Nylund: No, I don't think so. Anyway, I had an earache so he saw us both at the same time.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: For that you got naked?
Rose Nylund: I thought that was strange, too.


"The Golden Girls: Journey to the Center of Attention (#7.18)" (1992)
[Rose didn't mention the "living" part to the guests of Sophia's living wake]
Blanche Devereaux: You idiot, everybody thinks she's dead now! Well, we're gonna have to tell them the truth before she comes out.
Sophia Petrillo: [walking in] Hey, everyone!
[the guests gasp]
Sophia Petrillo: Thanks for coming to my wake! What do you think of the dress?
[Sophia slowly spins; guests shriek and gasp; a woman faints]
Sophia Petrillo: Well, excuse me for buying off the rack!


"The Golden Girls: Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding? (#1.2)" (1985)
Rose Nylund: [about Dorothy] Oh she's really upset, we better keep an eye on her.
Blanche Devereaux: You're right. We better stick to her like a tight shirt on a sweaty farmhand.
[Voice becomes dreamy]
Blanche Devereaux: You know the type, with the big biceps and the hairy chest, just glistening in the hot sun... What were we talking about?


"The Golden Girls: My Brother, My Father (#3.17)" (1988)
[in an odd situation, Sophia's brother Angelo is visiting, Rose and Blanche are dressed as nuns, and Dorothy and Stan are pretending to be married]
Rose: I'm Sister Rose!
Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're... uh, going...
[looks at panties in her hands]
Blanche: ...door to door collecting lingerie for... needy sexy people.
Stan: [Stan comes in] I just saw on TV that there's a big hurricane on the way to Miami, and the airports are closed!
Blanche: Aw, *Jesus*!
[catches herself]
Blanche: ...protect us, in this time of great need.
Dorothy: Amen!


"The Golden Girls: Whose Face Is This, Anyway? (#2.20)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?
Blanche Devereaux: I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.


"The Golden Girls: Three on a Couch (#3.11)" (1987)
Rose Nylund: Dorothy, you owe me an apology. Your ad's right here.
Dorothy Zbornak: [mortified] Oh, Rose, this is the Personals column.
Rose Nylund: So what?
Dorothy Zbornak: So what? You put an ad in the Personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour? It's right under an ad that reads, 'History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson.'
Jerry: [later, as Dorothy is saying goodbye with apologies to a priest she mistakenly thought was resonding to her ad, Jerry comes barging through the front door and approaches Rose] Hi, here's my eight dollars. Let's get started, Dorothy.
Rose Nylund: Oh, I'm not Dorothy, she is.
Jerry: [takes a good look at Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
Dorothy Zbornak: [outraged] How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?
Jerry: [ecstatic] Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars.
Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy throws Jerry out, just as Blanche is coming home] Girls. Girls, there is a bus-load of Greek sailors out front. They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!


"The Golden Girls: Home Again, Rose: Part 2 (#7.22)" (1992)
[Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia are looking in on a sedated Rose following her triple bypass]
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, my God. Dorothy, look at her!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: It's the surgery. Nobody looks good after surgery.
Sophia Petrillo: Tell that to Cher.


"The Golden Girls: The Auction (#4.11)" (1989)
Blanche: Wait a minute, Rose. Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?
Rose: Is it this one with the naked man and woman being swept up in the waves?
Blanche: Yes, that's it. You can't use this towel.
[takes towel from Rose]
Dorothy: Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency. We'll replace it next week.
[takes towel from Blanche]
Blanche: Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel. There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.
[attempts to wrest towel from Dorothy]
Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand!
Blanche: I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're lying, Blanche.
Blanche: Damn, you're good.


"The Golden Girls: Nice and Easy (#1.17)" (1986)
Lucy: Aunt Blanche, I'm a grown woman. I can live my life any way I want to.
Blanche: I know that but I don't think this is the way you really wanna live it.
Lucy: Is it my fault that men find me attractive?
Blanche: No, honey, what they find you is available and that's no compliment.
Lucy: I find this strange coming from you, Aunt Blanche, because from the stories I heard you're not exactly a saint.
Blanche: No, you're right. I do enjoy the company of gentlemen; I always have but I can promise you this, Lucy, when I'm with a man its because I like him not, that I want him to like me.
Lucy: Well, what's wrong with wanting to be liked? Aunt Blanche, you remember what I looked like as a kid?
Blanche: Oh, yes I do. You were a beautiful child.
Lucy: I was not. I was short and fat with braces and acne but when I turned sixteen it's like everything changed overnight. I shot up and out; the braces came off and finally the boys started to notice me and it was nice to be noticed; to be liked.
Blanche: [sadly] Oh, baby... Honey, you spent so much time trying to get people to like you that you never got around to liking yourself and if you don't like yourself, you cant respect yourself. And if you cant respect yourself, neither can anyone else.


"The Golden Girls: Joust Between Friends (#2.9)" (1986)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [Rose rescues a stray dog and intends to keep him in her room; suddenly, Dorothy hears him barking] What was that?
Blanche Devereaux: Rose brought a dog home from the supermarket.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What, couldn't she just get stew meat like she usually does?


"The Golden Girls: Little Sister (#4.21)" (1989)
Blanche Devereaux: [Dreyfuss the dog comes into the living room carrying a pair of men's trousers] I wonder where those pants came from?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: According to the label, The Gap.


"The Golden Girls: Home Again, Rose: Part 1 (#7.21)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [planning to 'crash' a High School reunion that isn't theirs] You have to be prepared. Now, I'm going to go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics, you know, like, oh, Senior Class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?
Rose Nylund: Oh, uh, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook? You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose...
Rose Nylund: You can take a yearbook home to your parents.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose...
Rose Nylund: There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, this isn't a riddle.
Rose Nylund: Well, make it one. I had three good answers!


"The Golden Girls: Love, Rose (#2.10)" (1986)
Dorothy: Oh come on now Rose, don't let this bother you. You'll date again.
Blanche: Of course she will. Honey have you given any thought to advertising?
Rose: Oh Blanche! I could never dress the way you do. Besides, I have to wear undies. Not all my wool skirts are lined.


"The Golden Girls: Diamond in the Rough (#2.22)" (1987)
Dorothy: Blanche, did it ever occur to you that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes.
Rose: And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?
Blanche Devereaux: Yes!
Dorothy: Then what do you have to say for yourself?
Blanche Devereaux: Damn, I'm good!


"The Golden Girls: Brotherly Love (#3.8)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Blanche, I didn't know you were in here.
Blanche Devereaux: I was hiding behind the drapes.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What is this, Hamlet?


"The Golden Girls: The Commitments (#7.15)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: [entering the kitchen] I am nothing but a cheap, tawdry slut!
Rose Nylund: [sitting with her back to the door] Don't tell me... Is it Blanche?


"The Golden Girls: Mister Terrific (#3.24)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks. Every time I climb into bed I feel guilty.
Sophia Petrillo: Take down the video equipment.
Blanche Devereaux: I'm talking about the brass bed. I shouldn't have kept it. Rose was right, it's just like stealing.
Sophia Petrillo: Then call the store and return it.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh I couldn't do that, I've had it over three weeks. They won't take it back.
Sophia Petrillo: How much wear can you give a bed in just three weeks?
Sophia Petrillo: [Blanche shoots her a look, reminding Sophia of her favourite hobby] I see your point.


"The Golden Girls: Forgive Me, Father (#2.18)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: [Blanche acting nervous after realizing Dorothy's date is a priest] Sweet Jesus, why am I babbling?
Father Frank Leahy: It's OK.
Blanche Devereaux: I meant that in all due reverence, I never take the Lord's name in vain.
Father Frank Leahy: OK.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, God now I am lying to a priest.


"The Golden Girls: Grab That Dough (#3.16)" (1988)
Guy Corbin: Complete this famous saying, "Better late than..." Blanche?
Blanche: Pregnant!


"The Golden Girls: Mother's Day (#3.25)" (1988)
Blanche Devereaux: [reminiscing with her aged mother in a nursing home on Mother's Day about a teenage affair] I gave Dec back his ID bracelet, that had 'Dec' on one side and 'allergic to the law' on the other, hopped in the car with you and Daddy, and we took off home. I asked you if you were mad at me. You said, "Why no, darlin'. This is the best Mother's Day I've ever had." Don't you remember that, Mama?
Margaret: Well, I thought that happened to Virginia. Wasn't Virginia the slut?
Blanche Devereaux: No, ma'am, that was me.


"The Golden Girls: Long Day's Journey Into Marinara (#2.19)" (1987)
[Sophia and Angela have just cooked a meal for the entire household]
Blanche Devereaux: Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life.
Angela: Well, how good could it have been? You left half of it.
Blanche Devereaux: I ate every bite!
Angela: There's some sauce left. If you'd really liked it, you'd take a hunk of bread and sop it all up. You can afford it!
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, no I cant! I've put on a few pounds, you just haven't noticed.
Angela: What am I blind? I can see that. I meant the bread. You can afford it, it's only 89 cents a loaf.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: You two made such a fantastic meal. I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.
Rose Nylund: I made dessert!
Blanche Devereaux: Damn!
Rose Nylund: What you say Blanche?
Blanche Devereaux: Yum. I said yum
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, is this another one of those Scandanavian viking concoctions?
Rose Nylund: Yes! It's called Geneukenfleuken cake. An ancient recipe but I amercanised it.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So one might say you brought "Geneukenfleuken" into the 80s?
Rose Nylund: Yes. But I'm not one to blow my own vetugenfluken.
Sophia Petrillo: I can't even reach mine.


"The Golden Girls: And Then There Was One (#2.16)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche, every time I turn around you have the baby in your arms.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, its just amazing - every time I pick her up she stops fussing and goes back to sleep!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Well you shouldn't do that! The baby won't get used to sleeping alone.
Blanche Devereaux: Well you never get used to sleeping alone - I haven't.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Please, siamese twins sleep alone more than you do.


"The Golden Girls: A Little Romance (#1.13)" (1985)
Blanche Devereaux: Oh! Oh, I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I made a fool of myself, didn't I?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Yes!
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I feel awful, just awful!
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Listen, if you don't want tonight to turn into a total disaster, you have to stop being so self-conscious.
Blanche Devereaux: Oh, well you're right, of course. Dr. Newman is a guest in our home. If I'm self-conscious, he'll be ill at ease. I can't allow that to happen. It would be... un-Southern.
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's a good belle.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy, get the door.
[picks up the tray of hors d'oeuvres and walks through the kitchen door. To Dr. Newman and Rose]
Blanche Devereaux: Shrimp?
[keeps walking in a circle so she can go right back in the kitchen]


"The Golden Girls: Big Daddy's Little Lady (#2.6)" (1986)
Big Daddy: Well, now I don't want you to get too excited, but Margaret and I are planning on walking down the aisle together.
Blanche Devereaux: OHHHHHHH!
Big Daddy: Is she happy or sad?
Rose Nylund: I'm not sure, I've never heard her make that sound before.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, I once heard her make that sound, and I assure you, she was happy.


"The Golden Girls: Charlie's Buddy (#3.12)" (1987)
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I thought you were gonna were something from your closet.
Blanche Devereaux: Well, I was. But as it turned out, nothing fit me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops, you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.
Blanche Devereaux: That's not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.
Sophia Petrillo: Of course it does. That's why you have to cover it with a dress.


"The Golden Girls: Ebbtide VI: The Wrath of Stan (#7.17)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, there's something I don't understand. Now you're always a bit ornery, unpleasant, impolite, even downright mean, that's part of your charm.
Sophia Petrillo: Thank you, you bed hopping relic.


"The Golden Girls: Letter to Gorbachev (#3.6)" (1987)
Blanche Devereaux: [reading Rose's letter] I'm writing to you because I'm concerned about nuclear war. I've heard that there are enough bombs to blow up the world 100 times over. It scares me and it scares the girls in my cadet troop too. They talk about what they want to be *if* they grow up, not *when*.


"The Golden Girls: One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest (#7.23)" (1992)
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, have I got a man for you.
Dorothy Zbornak: No thanks, had one.
Blanche Devereaux: It's my Uncle Lucas. He's *perfect* - all man, all heart, all yours.
Dorothy Zbornak: Look, Blanche, forget it! It's not going to work out. I mean, he's a little bit country, and I'm a little bit... too smart for this.


"The Golden Girls: Nothing to Fear, But Fear Itself (#3.5)" (1987)
Rose: [Rose comes in sobbing] The mail's here.
Blanche: Honey, what's wrong?
Rose: I just got a letter.
Blanche: It's bad news!
Dorothy: Oh, that's eerie - I had the same feeling.