Dr. Clayton Forrester
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Quotes for
Dr. Clayton Forrester (Character)
from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" (1988)

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Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)
Dr. Forrester: Oh, who doesn't own an interositer these days?

Dr. Forrester: I'm feeling particularly evil because today's experiment is a stinky cinematic suppository called "This Island Earth." You may all bow down before me after this stinkburger.

Dr. Forrester: Hello, and welcome. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, and soon you will all bow down before me.

[Dr. Forrester holds a photo of Mike Nelson]
Dr. Clayton Forrester: This is my test subject, Mike Nelson - a disgustingly mild-mannered dope who's managed to survive every film I've subjected him to. But, perhaps, this movie will drive him to the breaking point and crush his soul. And then I'll unleash it on an unwitting public, and then I will rule the world!
[Laughs maniacally and spanks himself with the photo]
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Yes, I'm a naughty boy! Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!... Oh, ahem.

Dr. Clayton Forrester: Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me recently.
Mike: Sure we have - last week.
Dr. Clayton Forrester: No, no, no, I think that was more of a curtsey than a bow. So why don't we all just bow down now?
Mike: I don't see any reason to make us...
[suddenly kneels, choking]
Crow T. Robot: [scared] Bowing, sir!
[Tom bows and prays to Dr. Forrester, speaking in tongues]

Dr. Clayton Forrester: Wait help, auntie Em! Auntie Em! SUPRIIIIISE! Like who doesn't own an intirositor you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater you ninny-hammers! And remember, I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat!
[manically laughing]
Dr. Clayton Forrester: I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD!

Dr. Clayton Forrester: Prepare yourselves for my maddest madness yet!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: 'Manos' the Hands of Fate (#5.24)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Dig this, mes-a-me. Your "average" Joe has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average" person on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you "Manos": the Hands of Fate!

Dr. Forrester: Uh, hi fellas. Look, I just wanted to let you know, I know this movie's a tough one, and I just wanted to let you know I feel for ya.
TV's Frank: [off-screen] Doctor, the caramel corn's ready. Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl?
Dr. Forrester: Uh, fine, sure.
Dr. Forrester: Now, you realize if you tell Frank I've done this, I'll have to kill him. So let's not, okay? 'Nuff said? All righty? Buh-bye.

Dr. Forrester: Frank, where is our pizza? It's been two hours since you ordered.
TV's Frank: Well, I called Togo's Pizza; they were busy, so I ended up having to order from Torgo's Pizza.
Dr. Forrester: Come in.
Torgo: [Torgo enters, the music from 'Manos the hands of fate' in the background] LaRgE SaUsAgE AnD MuShRoOm... ThIn CrUsT?
TV's Frank: That's us.
Torgo: ThaT's $14.50, pLeaSe.
Dr. Forrester: Here!
Torgo: Do... YoU HaVe AnYtHiNg SmAlLeR? I OnLy CaRrY TwEnTy DoLlArS In ChAnGe.
Dr. Forrester: THat's all I have.
TV's Frank: I have a twenty.
Dr. Forrester: Well, why didn't you give him the twenty?
TV's Frank: I was saving it, you know...
Dr. Forrester: Would you please give him the twenty?
Torgo: ThAnK YoU... I'lL GeT YoUr ChAnGe.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, keep it!
Torgo: ThAnK YoU VeRy MuCh, SiR... LeT Me JuSt GeT YoUr CoMpLiMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD...
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: NO! No, no, no, that's okay! That's quite all right.
TV's Frank: Hey, what about our pop?
Torgo: I... LeFt It In ThE CaR... I'lL Be RiGhT BaCk.
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Oh.
Dr. Forrester: Until next time, Joel. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Say, you know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm.
Torgo: ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt.

TV's Frank: Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
Dr. Forrester: [off-screen] Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
TV's Frank: Coming, sir!
[hushed voice]
TV's Frank: I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about "Manos: the Hands of Fate." I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.

[Frank is dressed as an executioner]
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me say this about today's invention exchange; let them eat chocolate.
TV's Frank: That's right Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester: That's right Frank.
[steps aside to reveal guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Ready Mr. executioner?
TV's Frank: Yes my liege.
Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head Frank.
[Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?
Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious!

[a chocolate bunny is in a miniature guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head, Frank.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Against the Moon Men (#5.10)" (1992)
Dr. Forrester: Go ahead and sing, pantywaist. In a moment, you're going to be knee deep in sand. Then, it will be Joel Robinson, RIP.
TV's Frank: Rest in pants?

[repeated line]
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Deeeeeeeeeep Huuuuuurrrrrrrrting!

Dr. Forrester: Push the button Frank.
TV's Frank: I *am* the button.

Dr. Forrester: Prepare yourselves for DEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRTINGGGG!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye (#2.1)" (1989)
Joel: Well, I guess it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us again.
Dr. Forrester: I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you squinty-eyed space chimp!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Uh, Clay...
Dr. Forrester: What?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It is time.
Dr. Forrester: Oh. Yeah, I...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Nice insult though.
Dr. Forrester: I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stinkburger of a film this week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye."

Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [on the movie] It's got a lame audio, it's in black and white, and worst of all it stars Forest Tucker.
Dr. Forrester: Hmm Good name, bad actor.

Dr. Forrester: It's time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty... which, I assume, includes you, Joel.
[they chuckle]
Dr. Forrester: When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry? Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Forrester: Exactly! And why is that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Dogs don't sweat, that's why.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum into a human subject. In this case,
[Lawrence is about to speak]
Dr. Forrester: Larry!

Dr. Forrester: Sail on, Silver Bird!
[injects Lawrence in the butt]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: D'oh, Jeez!
Dr. Forrester: Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the vault at your favorite savings and loan!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (#2.2)" (1989)
[Dr. Forrester is preparing for the Mad Scientists' convention]
Dr. Erhardt: Hey, promise me if you lose the contest this year you're not gonna blow up the whole convention center again?
Dr. Forrester: I only did that once.
Dr. Erhardt: Oh, ho, huh?
Dr. Forrester: OK, twice. Twice.
Dr. Erhardt: It was three times!
Dr. Forrester: The third time I used the incendiaries, and it didn't actually make the building blow up. It just made it burn - really quickly. God that was beautiful, wasn't it?

Dr. Forrester: They laughed when I made the more painful mousetrap.

[first lines]
Dr. Forrester: I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!

[last lines]
Dr. Forrester: Well, until next time, my little square pudding!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Mad Monster (#2.3)" (1989)
Dr. Forrester: Come in, Joel, you fancy pantsy nancy boy.

Dr. Erhardt: As you know, toy manufacturers are always making their toys too safe. And what children want is realism.
Dr. Forrester: And danger!

[last lines]
Dr. Forrester: Here, file this.

Joel: Uh, sirs, I think that's the end of the experiment this week. I hope you're pleased.
Dr. Forrester: [referring to end of movie] Of course we're not pleased. Can't you see a mad scientist has just died?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the Giant Leeches (#5.6)" (1992)
Dr. Forrester: Ah! Robinson, Servo, Mr. T. Robot! Our invention this week is inspired by this week's experiment, "Attack of the Giant Leeches". In ye olden times, alchemists believed that leeches served medicinal purposes.
TV's Frank: So do we!
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yes um, we found that the common fresh water leech uh, can serve the same purpose as a nicotine patch, and being neither food nor drug, there's no pesky FDA regulation to impede your progress and I can experiment at will. Frank?
TV's Frank: At your service.
Dr. Forrester: Our subject, Frank, has been trying to quit smoking for quite some time. He's a three pack-a-day man.
TV's Frank: No I'm not!
Dr. Forrester: Yes you are, shut up. Now this leech, we'll call him Patches...
TV's Frank: Yah!
Dr. Forrester: When applied to the neck or head area, will suck any desire to smoke out of Frank.
TV's Frank: No, no, no, no! No! No! No, I'm the sum of my vices! I have my pain, my happiness, my losses, my love! My struggles, my hobbies, my lent! I want to live! I want to live! I want to live! And love! And learn! And live!
Dr. Forrester: But this won't hurt a bit.
TV's Frank: Oh, Ok.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, there you go. Now, Patches, I'm depending on you, ya slug!
TV's Frank: Say, this is the most action I've ever got.

Dr. Forrester: Oh sorry, Frank, I left the leech on too long! Well, Frank... Frank?
[to the leech]
Dr. Forrester: Well, now that you've sucked all the blood out of Frank, what are you gonna do now?

[last lines]
Giant Leech: Maybe we could do lunch.
Dr. Forrester: Sure.
Giant Leech: Think you could pick it up? I'm flat busted. You know, I'd really love to produce you. I have this concept that maybe we could...
[his voice fades as they walk off camera]

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Beginning of the End (#6.17)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Enough of your touchy-feely crap, Nelson! Today's movie really gets going about two minutes before the closing credits. It's another Bert I. Gordon pain parade called "The Beginning of the End". And I hope you have health insurance.

Dr. Forrester: Hello Murray, automata. Say, what's the most popular form of exercise this month, hm? HMM? Well, that's right - the recumbent bike! As I see it, recumbent creators were afraid to make it *too* comfortable. Well, I'M not afraid! TADAH!
[He reveals a bicycle basically equipped with a bed]
Dr. Forrester: The ReComfy Bike!
[Frank enters wearing pyjamas and a bike helmet]
TV's Frank: Dr. F, could you tuck me in before my ride?
Dr. Forrester: Of course, Franklin, there you go. Check out the reading lamp, nightstand and goose-down comforter. Of course, we might have to ditch the wheels and the pedals to make room for the ice machine and expresso bar, but...
TV's Frank: Uh, Dr. F, I can't get it to go.
Dr. Forrester: Well, try harder you LOAD!
TV's Frank: Well, there's kind of a lot of stuff here.
Dr. Forrester: [in whiny voice] Oh, there's kind of a lot of stuff here. Nappy time, don't you think, Frank?
[forcefully tucks Frank in]
Dr. Forrester: Back up to you, Margot.

Mike Nelson: Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?
Tom Servo: Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, why get them involved.
Mike Nelson: I mean I think we should just call the Mads.
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester is excercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.
TV's Frank: [Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!
[Mike and the bots look shocked]
Dr. Forrester: You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.
TV's Frank: I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.
Dr. Forrester: Well I shouldn't.
[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]
Dr. Forrester: Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!
[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]
Mike Nelson: So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Samson vs. the Vampire Women (#7.24)" (1995)
[last lines]
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Could I ask you one thing before you go?
TV's Frank: Sure.
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Could you push the button, Frank?
TV's Frank: Watch me rock.

Dr. Forrester: Goodbye Frank. And remember, wherever you are, I WILL KILL YOU!

Dr. Forrester: Wait! I can't imagine. I shan't! Because it isn't true! But it is! Oh, this sucks!
Dr. Forrester: [music starts] Who'll be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My fingernail transplants? My fajita? Who will I blame my mistakes on? Who will I... Who will I kill?
Dr. Forrester: [singing] I've destroyed and I've maimed and I've kicked him Now I'm a bully with no victim No adrenaline thrill no screams that are shrill Who? Who will I kill? I've crushed his head a few times Memories like nursery rhymes No one died like my TV's Frank No sweet blood to distill No cute tummy to drill Who? Who will I kill? When I look upon the first evening star I remember when I hooked his liver to the engine of my car I could pickle my Aunt Lil Give my dog a cyanide pill But what Frank-shaped void could they possibly fill? Here's my money. You can bank it. I'm no good without my Frank; it Seems he could die Without batting an eye Now it seems I must take my own bitter pill Tell me who? Who will I kill?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes (#2.5)" (1989)
Dr. Forrester: Well, our burnt offering this week, Joel, is a little scientific nugget called "The Corpse Vanishes".
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It features Bela Lugosi stewing in his own mediocrity.

[Last lines]
Dr. Forrester: Well, bye for now, my little space biscuit.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Unearthly (#4.20)" (1991)
Dr. Forrester: [after Joel gives a horrible invention exchange. TV's Frank is crying in the background] I think you die, Joel! Heh-heh-heh... Well, your experiment this week is going to be hard to keep down. It's called The Unearthly and it stars John Carradine and Tor Johnson, plus two stinky shorts.
Dr. Forrester: Frank, shut up!
[Frank cries louder in defiance]
Dr. Forrester: Enjoy!

Dr. Forrester: Ah, it does my heart good to see Crow burnt beyond all recognition! Oh, Frank, it's time for this week's invention exchange.
[Frank enters crying, wearing two boards with an odd assortment of pills glued on]
Dr. Forrester: Oh, accept the pain, Frank!
[to Joel]
Dr. Forrester: You've heard the expression, "That's a hard pill to swallow"? Well, our invention exchange this week is just that - some hard pills to swallow. Uh, turn Frank. And cough.
[Frank does so]
Dr. Forrester: [points to pill] See this pill right here? It shold be easy to swallow, shouldn't it Frank? Yes, it should be except for the three-pronged fish hook attached to it.
[points to another one]
Dr. Forrester: This one - I'm not going to kid you - this is *very* difficult to swallow. It's a Not-So-Tiny Time pill, complete with a living gerbil.
TV's Frank: [shouts] Terry, no!
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Terry, yes! If you can keep this one down, you'll have a pet that knows you inside and out. If you have trouble keeping one pill down, try our pill necklace of piptric acid - one-hundred and five capsules on a string. Keep that gag reflex active 'til the cows come home - the longer it takes to swallow, the harder it gets.
[with evil glee]
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and the children?
TV's Frank: [shouts] Not the children! Aw-haw-haw!
Dr. Forrester: The children love vitamin shapes, like, shaped like cartoons. Whimsical shapes! Whimsical shapes, and wouldn't it be hard for all those Flintstone kids if their favorite vitamin came... turn, Frank...
[Frank turns, revealing a life-size Fred Flintstone vitamin]
Dr. Forrester: ...life-size, hmm, hmm? Ball's in your court, Joel!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (#5.3)" (1992)
TV's Frank: Stuffing instead of potatoes? Honey, I love you!
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Meat is murder, Frank.

Dr. Clayton Forrester: Morrissey's going to honor us with a song, aren't you Morrissey?
Morrissey: This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...
[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank lock him in a tupperware coffin]

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell (#6.12)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Ah, nothing like a good shower to make one feel good again, huh? I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood. What's going on, Frank?
TV's Frank: Oh, not much. Inventory's under control... floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. Forrester: Well, I see you got the situation well in hand... What? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
TV's Frank: Well, I better get started on that floor.
Dr. Forrester: Frank, my towel and your hinder have an appointment. But first, we got to rescue Joel. Oh, no! No! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback.
TV's Frank: Let's hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Dr. Forrester: Well, that's a good point, Frank, 'cause... Frank, can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
TV's Frank: Well, we can send someone else into space.
Dr. Forrester: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
Mike Nelson: Would you guys sign my time card?
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester and Frank exchange a look] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
TV's Frank: Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are ya?
Mike Nelson: C'mon, you gotta sign my time card.
Dr. Forrester: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man. In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank. Say Mike, what size jumpsuit do you wear?
Mike Nelson: Uhh...

Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel: "Mitchell"! It's a super-secret spy... has a motorcycle... marooned in space... meets Hercules... or not... uh, watch it and weep, Joel Prole Mole! Send them the movie, Frank. Frank, the movie?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Humanoid Woman (#1.11)" (1989)
Joel: Hello, sirs! Hey, great movie last week, huh? You know, I don't think a lot of people realize this, but it wasn't really a movie, it was just two Space 1999 segments edited together.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Regardless of what it was, it put your ratings through the ceiling!
Dr. Forrester: Even you could've beaten the Cincinnati Bengals, and I'm out fifty bucks!
Joel: Hey, maybe they'll give me MVP!
Dr. Forrester: Don't get cocky with me, you orbiting Wilfred Brimley wannabe!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Joel, do the words oxygen deprivation mean anything to you? Look, if your ratings keep going up, we'll be forced to send you...
Joel: Geez, you guys. Last week, the ratings were low and you got mad.
Dr. Forrester: Hey, we're mad scientists. What do you expect? Larry, put in Humanoid Woman.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Cave Dwellers (#4.1)" (1991)
Tom Servo: Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate!
Crow T. Robot: I'll what?
Tom Servo: You'll show 'em.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the Foster Grants? IT'S OG!
Joel: Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Dr. Forrester, Frank: What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL!
Frank: Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly, Frank. Push the Button.
Frank: Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
Frank: Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now.
Dr. Forrester: Would you just push the button?
Frank: I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Robot Holocaust (#2.10)" (1990)
[last lines]
Dr. Clayton Forrester: I think you can file this, Larry... Until next time, Skippy Drawers.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jungle Goddess (#3.3)" (1990)
Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, your movie this week is proceeded by a little piece of tripe that's very close to my own heart. It's called "The Phantom Creeps" and it stars our old friend Bela Lugosi as a lovable but fractured mad scientist. Bad print, bad sound, bad for you. Deal with it, joyless prole.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Rocket Attack U.S.A. (#3.5)" (1990)
TV's Frank: Okay. Well Joel, you know if you're like me, when I think of the 70's, I think of one thing: Foosball! Woo-eeeyukaaeeee! So what we've done is taken the whole Foosball concept, and uh... We've caulked this, added water, and we've turned it into Water Polo. Woo!
Dr. Forrester: That's right.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: To provide hours of aquatic terror... Get that, Frank... with shark attacks...
TV's Frank: I'm going to kill you! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die
Dr. Forrester: ...boat accidents, just like the kind of terror you're going to see in this film this week, Joel: The Phantom Creeps with Bela Lugosi. I've got you now, Frank.
TV's Frank: And then after that, our main feature is called Rocket Attack USA. It's the feel-good film of the Cold War Era, a triumph of the human spirit! But now I'm going to kill you!
Dr. Forrester: I have you now!
TV's Frank: Die! Die! Die!
Dr. Forrester: I just scored on you, Pauline Kale.
TV's Frank: You are going to... Ahahah...
Dr. Forrester: Endure the film, Joel, if you can.
TV's Frank: I will kill you!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Giant Gila Monster (#5.2)" (1992)
Dr. Forrester: Now, taste the red hot steel of Dr. Clayton "Fire-brand" Forrester! The punching bag has always had a sound principle behind it. Frank?
TV's Frank: Yes, that it's fun to beat Boffo the clown savagely and repeatedly till Boffo's bleeding froim the ears, but then... alas the thrill is gone. The fire goes out of your belly. You need something new to stimulate your imagination.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, that's why we've invented these hateful punching bags with images of characters from the renaissance festival. For instance, there's uh, the rat catcher. Excuse me, sirs, is that your head or did your neck throw up?
TV's Frank: Oh, bite me Frodo!
Dr. Forrester: And there's the ever popular leather mug maker. Please, sir, sample my wares!
TV's Frank: Sample my fist, you community theatre reject!
Dr. Forrester: Loveable harlequinn! I am harlequinn.
TV's Frank: I am your worst nightmare! Twenty three dollars to get in! Huzzah my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkein-reading loser!
Dr. Forrester: Uh, that's enough, Frank... Uh, well, Joel, your experiment this week is a sweet meat repleat with empty-headed teens, fast cars, and a cute little lizard. It's called "The Giant Gila Monster", and it wil make you hurt or my name's not Earl Shibe. Enjoy.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Attack of the the Eye Creatures (#5.18)" (1992)
Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, as you know many prominent American woodworkers have, well...
TV's Frank: Died.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. They're dead. Uh, not meant as a criticism, but, it's true.
TV's Frank: Which is the basis of our Invention Exchange this week, it's the Router Ouija Board. Sure, any ordinary Ouija board can contact spirits from beyond the grave.
Dr. Forrester: But with the Router Ouija Board, when you're in contact with the spirit of a dead woodworker...
TV's Frank: Lost in the horry underworld. Ooh.
Dr. Forrester: You get woodworking done with the pride and craft unknown in the world of the living. Now Joel, prepare yourself for we are in contact with someone or something known as Ethan Allen.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Teen-Age Strangler (#6.14)" (1993)
[last lines]
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Oh, good one, Mike. Frank was swaying to your little song there and got sick. How sick? That's your dinner for the next three weeks, Frank.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Zigra (#1.7)" (1988)
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-Boy-Toy, is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, what's that sir?
Dr. Erhardt: Nobody can hear you laugh?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girls Town (#7.1)" (1994)
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'll give you 3 seconds to stop licking my face.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hercules Unchained (#5.8)" (1992)
TV's Frank: Yeah right, whatever. Well Joel, everyone knows that design is the combination of two separate elements. That's why we've taken interior design and meshed it with household pests, and come up with something we like to call... decorator roaches!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, roaches. Fashions come and go, but roaches are forever. Our Invention Exchange this week is: Swatch Roaches. Now, for you Southwest enthusiasts, we have this little number I like to call La Cucharacha. Hahaha, get it? Of course you do. And for the sports enthusiast in your life we have the 49ers Roach, complete with colors; and over here we have the Peter Max Roach.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Laserblast (#8.6)" (1996)
Dr. Forrester: [his last ever line] Oh poopie.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Robot Monster (#2.7)" (1989)
Dr. Forrester: Anyway, your film today is "Robot Monster". It's a classic film that was nominated for a Golden Turkey award for being one of the "fowlest" films ever! Hehe!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: See, to call this film wretched would just be a insult to the word wretched! It stars no-one! Oh, man, you won't believe this!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (#4.21)" (1991)
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I... I can't wait. I want you to open your gift now.
TV's Frank: Great idea, Pete! As a matter of fact uh, I picked you up a little something myself.
Dr. Forrester: Uh... For me? You shouldn't have.
TV's Frank: It was nothing, really.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank. No, it's the thought that counts. I, I know that you think that I'm probably just a cold-hearted jerk without an ounce of self-respect for myself or anyone else, but on the other hand...
TV's Frank: Merry Christmas, Dr. Forrester.
Dr. Forrester: Merry Christmas, Frank... Oh, Frank! What a lovely watch-band! This must have set you back a pretty penny.
TV's Frank: Well actually I uh, didn't have any money, so I took the liberty of hawking your Rolex and... to pay for that...
Dr. Forrester: You... hawked my Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's... It's called "Final Exit". I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Oh Henry.
Dr. Forrester: Well, until next time, bumpus.
TV's Frank: God bless us, everyone.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (#4.17)" (1991)
TV's Frank: Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out great! Really. You know, the other day, my colon looked up at me and said, "Frank, thank you." I said "No. Thank YOU." But now, what am I going to do with all the meat I have stored in freezers? I figured, "Hey, why not bring the meat back to life?
Dr. Forrester: That's right. That's why we've invented the meat re-animator. Hook it up, Frank.
TV's Frank: Clear.
[they shock a chicken that gets up and starts wobbling around]
Dr. Forrester: It's alive! Alive! My corn-fed Minnesota chicken is alive!
TV's Frank: You know, I thought this would a good idea, but this is one weird mamajama.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gunslinger (#6.11)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Oh, hello boobie. Say, do you want to make people's heads explode? Sure, we all do.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Rebel Set (#5.19)" (1992)
Joel: "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."
Crow T. Robot: Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!
Tom Servo: No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?
Joel: "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!"
[the bots scream in terror]
Joel: Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.
Dr. Forrester: That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Godzilla vs. Megalon (#3.12)" (1991)
[last lines]
Dr. Clayton Forrester: It's just a game, Frank. Push the button.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Warrior of the Lost World (#6.1)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Afternoon, Joel. Hello, robot super-pals. If you have a moment, and I assume you do, Frank and I would like to demonstrate an amazing new fitness product. It's called the Square Master. You see, the Square Master allows you to maximize your human potential because Square Master uses one of nature's most perfect shapes for your perfect shape. How does it work? Frank? Square Master allows you to utilize complicated principles of inertia and mass. Simply, efficiently, naturally. How? By using nature's perfectly-balanced muscle-resistant: gravity. That's right, for a beginning anaerobic workout, start with hands on the outside of the square. Then, when you're ready, go inside the square. Put your feet on the square. Sit on the square and simulate rowing. As your workout improves, you can link two squares together to form a rectangle. Now you're really working out. And for full aerobic conditioning, work on your Shemp area.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Conquered the World (#4.11)" (1991)
Dr. Forrester: I'm a scientist, I don't think, I observe.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Atomic Brain (#6.18)" (1993)
Mike Nelson: Wow. What movie is this. nothing's happening. I think maybe we should call the Mads, what do you think?
Tom Servo: Well, I guess I wouldn't advise it.
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, why get them involved.
Mike Nelson: I mean I think we should just call the Mads.
Dr. Forrester: [Forrester is exercising and singing] Frank, I could not stop picking at that pan of lemon bars. I ate half the pan. You're so lucky, you could eat anything and not worry.
TV's Frank: [Frank enters wearing a bathrobe and has his face covered with a beauty mask, eating ice cream, and reading a TV Guide] Oh, I would give anything to have that complexion of yours. Hey, wow! "Vicki" is on!
[Mike and the bots look shocked]
Dr. Forrester: You know, Frank. This is exactly what I wanted to do today. Just have the whole day to ourselves.
TV's Frank: I'm declaring this "National Our Day." Please, do not let me eat all of this.
Dr. Forrester: Well I shouldn't.
[Looks up and notices Mike and bots are watching, then runs back to the couch]
Dr. Forrester: Oh my god, Frank switch on a game, switch on a game!
[Crow and Tom looking open mouthed in horror. Crow's mouth is so wide that Mike closes it up]
Mike Nelson: So, I guess we can call the Mads. You know what. I don't think we should do that again. We'll be right back.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Ring of Terror (#3.6)" (1990)
Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, today's film is a plotless little peccadillo called "Ring of Terror." It's about some of the oldest medical students in history. Chomp on it but don't choke!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Violent Years (#7.10)" (1994)
Dr. Forrester: I was alone with the world to tame, I was evil but feelin' blue Lookin' around, talkin' to clowns, Never guessin' that I'd find you
TV's Frank: Workin' the fryer I was never a cryer, I had a void in the shape of you
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank.
TV's Frank: Lookin' for love, hopin' for evil, Alls I got was chicken cordon bleu
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Ba-da-been, were livin' in Deep 13 Nobody knows what we mean Rulin' the world with our heads in a swirl and its keen Livin' in Deep 13.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera vs. Guiron (#4.12)" (1991)
Dr. Forrester: You're going to need a collapsible port-o-potty after you ingest this week's cinematic bolus!
TV's Frank: It's called "Gamera Vs. Guiron" and it is thoroughly indigestible!
Dr. Forrester: Serve it up, Frank! Open wide, Joel. Eat it, boy, eat it!
TV's Frank: mmmmm, good lard.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sword and the Dragon (#7.17)" (1994)
TV's Frank: Clay, have you seen my X-Men #354?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you're breaking my concentration. I wanna get all my back issues of Starlog organized in time to tape tonight's episode of TekWars.
TV's Frank: Oh, TekWars is on. That's right
[door bell rings]
Dr. Forrester: I wonder who that can be?
TV's Frank: that's right, I forgot all about TekWars. We'll have to see... Tonight's episode's supposed to...
Bridget: Hi! I'm Bridget and this is my friend Mary Jo. We just moved in upstairs to Deep 12. We're neighbors!
TV's Frank: Ahhh! Clay, there are girls here! Actual girls!
Dr. Forrester: [looking through comics panicking] Uh, ah, uh, don't panic! Um, there must be some instructions on what to do. Somewhere...
Bridget: Well, we've introduced ourselves, who are you?
TV's Frank: I have lots of comic books. I keep them in plastic bags.
Bridget: Oh, yeah, I, heh, heh...
Mary Jo: We haven't seen the laundry room. Do you know where it is?
Dr. Forrester: [trying, and failing, to remain calm] Are we on a date? 'Cause it's okay if we're on a date. Uh, Frank and I have been on, uh, with Frank, yeah, uh...
TV's Frank: Babylon 5 was on last night.
Bridget: Um, yeah. I'm sure...
Dr. Forrester: [to camera] Mike, you've got to help us. We're on a date down here. Could you, uh, provide us with some kind of entertainment?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Catalina Caper (#3.4)" (1990)
TV's Frank: [on Joel's invention] That is so neat! We could base a whole party around that. We could all get in our fuzzy beanie pajamas and jump up and down on the bed.
Dr. Forrester: Look, the only party we're going to is the one where we dance on your grave.
TV's Frank: Oh, will I be invited?
Dr. Forrester: You'll be the guest of honor!
TV's Frank: Oh.
Dr. Forrester: Now you tell them about the movie. I gotta to get out of this thing; I'm chafing like a bear.
TV's Frank: Well Joel, this week's movie is called Catalina Caper and it is... delightful. It's a veritable feel-good movie, a light-hearted romp, a triumph of the human spirit! Thank you, Tommy Kirk, for making us laugh about love... again. And it's got a great theme song. You're gonna love it! Never ever, ever...
TV's Frank: Frank! Incoming!
TV's Frank: ...steal anything wet! Never steal anything wet! Eeeyukaaeeee!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah (#6.6)" (1993)
Dr. Forrester: Joel, speaking of unattractive human bodies, your movie this week, "Eegah", has got Richard Kiel and not much else.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Last of the Wild Horses (#7.11)" (1994)
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who holds you down and pummels you with music.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera (#4.2)" (1991)
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Your experiment this week, Joel, is the first in the famous Gamera turtle movies. It's a love story about a giant turtle and downtown Tokyo.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: Tormented (#5.14)" (1992)
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Hello Joe... Crowl... Tim Servo... the big one. I'm in a decidedly good mood today. The Mariners won, I received a gift certificate for having my drapes cleaned - and Frank took a nasty fall on the stairs today. Why don't you show we what you've got, eh wot?

"Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sidehackers (#3.2)" (1990)
Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?
Joel: Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!
Dr. Forrester: We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue!