Coach John McGuirk
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Quotes for
Coach John McGuirk (Character)
from "Home Movies" (1999)

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"Home Movies: Impressions (#2.6)" (2002)
Coach John McGuirk: Brendon, there's nothing wrong with lying to women... or the government... or your parents... or God. Alright?
Brendon Small: Yeah, but what if they figure out you're a liar?
Coach John McGuirk: What, women?
Brendon Small: Sure.
Coach John McGuirk: Then who needs 'em? Lie to men.

Coach John McGuirk: Oh my god, she's gorgeous. Great. Why couldn't she have been a fat hag like me?

"Home Movies: Curses (#4.7)" (2004)
Coach McGuirk: Look, I'm beginning to not want to go out with you, so I suggest you turn this around.

Coach McGuirk: [screams and shouts of disgust coming from Brendan's home] What's, uh, that all about?
Brendon: Uh, the movie was so boring I spliced in a scene of two dogs having sex.
Coach McGuirk: Oh, that thing I gave you.
Brendon: Yea.
Coach McGuirk: Good move.
Brendon: Thanks.
Melissa's Dad: Just two?

"Home Movies: Director's Cut (#1.6)" (2001)
[Brendon and Coach McGuirk are watching the popular new assistant coach, Drew, run the kids' soccer practice]
Coach McGuirk: Hey Brendon, how come the team never carried me off the field?
Brendon: We tried, but you were too big.
Coach McGuirk: Excuse me?
Brendon: I mean, uhh... too drunk?
Coach McGuirk: Yes. Yes I was. But I tell you something Brendon, I am every day, that doesn't mean don't carry me off the field.

"Home Movies: The Party (#2.5)" (2002)
Coach McGuirk: [reading Fenton's birthday invite] "Jolly jeepers / Ain't it great? / Fenton Mulley's turning eight / Eat some ice-cream / Eat some cake / Jeepers jolly / Ain't it great?" Wow. That's awful.

"Home Movies: Coffins and Cradles (#3.13)" (2003)
Stephanie: But, at least we say there's an afterlife.
Coach McGuirk: Right, but there's no afterlife.
Stephanie: Well, yes there is. We all know that.
Coach McGuirk: Well, we all don't, 'cause who says there is?
Stephanie: Well, I say there is. We say there is.
Coach McGuirk: Right, but I say there's not, because there isn't. But I'm not good at arguing.

"Home Movies: Therapy (#2.8)" (2002)
Coach John McGuirk: Here's a piece of advice, Brendon. There's no such thing as psychology. It's all made-up crap. They're all conmen, all of them. Even the women.

"Home Movies: Cho & Amy Lee (#4.10)" (2004)
Coach McGuirk: [showing Brendon his Scottish highland dancing past in a photo album] That was me when I was twelve. And there's my dad. And there's the president of Scotland.
Brendon: Oh! Scottish highland, is that like step dancing?
Coach McGuirk: NO, Brendon! *Nothing* like that crap! It's not Irish. It's Scottish.
Brendon: But aren't you Irish?
Coach McGuirk: Yeah, but I'm not gay. It's different, it's like a sport, alright? People die.