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Quotes for
Mason (Character)
from "Dead Like Me" (2003)

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"Dead Like Me: Last Call (#2.13)" (2004)
Mason: You are so beautiful to look at.
Daisy Adair: And unlucky to know.

Georgia 'George' Lass: Daisy, you tracked mud in the house. What were you doing that was so muddy?

Rube Sofer: You hittin' the bottle already?
Mason: Coffee.
Rube Sofer: Irish?
Mason: I'm English.
Roxy Harvey: So, what's the deal with Daisy and this Ray guy? That dead and buried?
[Mason spits out his coffee, splashing Rube]
Rube Sofer: God damn it. This my favorite fuckin' pants. My shirt. What the fuck is the matter with you?
Mason: I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

"Dead Like Me: Business Unfinished (#1.10)" (2003)
Roxy: Why do I have to have an occasion to spread the love?
Mason: Because you're an ornery bitch who eats puppy dogs for breakfast.

Mason: How am I to be compensated?
Daisy Adair: How would you like to be compensated?
Mason: 50% of the takings and 100% of your clothes off.
Daisy Adair: 10% and a handshake.
Mason: 25% and a quick grope.
Mary Kate Hourihan: Stay strong soldier.
Daisy Adair: 15% and I'll let you see them for five seconds.
Mason: Done.
[they shake on it then Daisy stands up and lifts her top. Mason stares dumbly]
Daisy Adair: Five, four, three, two, one.
[drops her top and walks away leaving Mason staring dumbly after her. He chokes back a laugh]
Mason: That was so worth it.

Daisy Adair: What's with the parlor tricks, asshole?
Mason: You just gave up two grand!
[Daisy looks at George]
George: Don't look at me, he came up with the lame ghost shit.
Daisy Adair: Mason, I'm going to make this very simple so you're able to understand. We have the ghost. You only need parlor tricks when you can't talk to the dead, you dumb fucking limey!

"Dead Like Me: Reapercussions (#1.4)" (2003)
Roxy Harvey: Are you high?
Mason: I've got illegals in my bottom.
Roxy Harvey: Why do you do this to yourself?

Roxy: [to Mason who is curled up on a bench at the diner and looking out the window] What's wrong with you?
[Mason blinks in her direction, eyes bloodshot]
Roxy: Are you stoned?
Mason: [looking very pale and sickly] I've got illegals in my bottom...
[referring to the bag of cocaine that broke in his rectum at the airport]
Roxy: [looking at mason shaking her head] Why do you do this to yourself?
Mason: [hand on his forehead whimpering] I don't know.

Mason: I've got illegals in my bottom.

"Dead Like Me: Nighthawks (#1.12)" (2003)
Mason: [meeting Rube in the diner] It's one o'clock in the fucking morning, what in fucking hell is so fucking important, for fuck's sake?
Rube: [chuckles] I'd like to see if you can use that word one more time.

[after being handed a self evaluation]
Mason: I need more drugs.

"Dead Like Me: Send in the Clown (#2.1)" (2004)
Mason: [referring to Roxie's attempt to stab his hand for taking her hash browns] I've never seen such violence over such small potatoes.

Daisy Adair: These are all at the Farmer's Market in exactly 27 minutes. I smell a disaster.
Mason: No, five deaths is not a disaster.
George: How many deaths is a disaster?
Mason: More than five. Five's bullshit.
George: How many?
Mason: 16-20 is a disaster. 21 and up: catastrophe. 8-15 is a calamity.
Rube Sofer: Seven and under?
Mason: That's a crying shame.

Dead Like Me: Life After Death (2009) (V)
Daisy Adair: Where the hell is Rube? I need my coffee.
Roxy Harvey: People, this is hallowed ground. Show some respect.
Mason: I'm showing respect. Auf Wiedersehen, der Waffle Haus.
Daisy Adair: [Puts hand on chest] Fond farewell to a shitty, little restaurant.
Mason: Which didn't extend me any more credit,
[Holds middle finger up]
Mason: so fuck you!

Mason: Goody! That means we get to play, you know, "High Risk Factor"! Okay, ready?
Roxy Harvey: [Girl runs by] Running with scissors...
Mason: [Points to barber babbling very quickly with customer] Barber on drugs, razor at throat...
Roxy Harvey: [Sees vain lady babbling] Then there's her...
Mason: What's high risk about her?
Roxy Harvey: Nothing. I just want her dead.
Daisy Adair: [Frustrated] Baenziger!
Roxy Harvey: Oh good! Now we get to play "Last Minute Panic"!

"Dead Like Me: Rest in Peace (#1.14)" (2003)
[talking to two girls]
Mason: Do any of you girls work for UPS? 'Cause I couldn't help but notice you were checking out my package.

"Dead Like Me: Death Defying (#2.10)" (2004)
Guy: [Mason and Ray are playing pool when a goon and two buddies approach] Hey. We got next.
Ray Summers: [laughs] Take a walk Junior. There's plenty of tables available.
Mason: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What he said.
Guy: Well I like this table. So if you wouldn't mind, FUCKING OFF.
Mason: Excuse me. Is it three against two is it? Cause I'll have you know I've had my ass kicked by bigger cock suckers than you all right?
Ray Summers: Woah Mason. We don't want any trouble. These folks have next. We'll get out of your way.
[grabs pool cue and rams Guy in his nose, knocking him to the floor]
Ray Summers: Don't tell me to fuck off. I tell people to fuck off. Now fuck off!
[Guy leaves and Ray tosses Mason the cue ball]
Ray Summers: Your break.

"Dead Like Me: In Escrow (#2.6)" (2004)
Gideon Jeffries: Do you have twenty bucks on you?
Mason: Yeah, sure.
[hands Gideon something from his pocket]
Gideon Jeffries: That's a parking ticket.
[hands the ticket back]
Mason: That is a parking ticket. You know what's fucked up about that is I don't even own a fucking car.

"Dead Like Me: Curious George (#1.3)" (2003)
Roxy: I'm gonna get a pet bird.
Mason: Don't get a bird.
Roxy: Why not?
Mason: Because they're weird. I dunno. I can't relate to a bird. They're so far removed. They've got different chromosomes... and they come from eggs...
Roxy: They have faces.
Mason: So do cockroaches. What are you going to do with a bird?
Roxy: I'm gonna stick it in a cage and feed it, what do you think I'm gonna do with it?
Mason: Well I think you should at least get one you can eat.
Roxy: I'm gonna get a friend! I'm not going to eat my friend!
Mason: They have brains the size of pistachios... it's not smart enough to be your friend.
Roxy: You don't know what you're talking about! I saw this special on PBS called "Animal Miracles" and they did a dramatic re-enactment about a guy being robbed, and he had a parrot or a cockatoo or something, and that bird lost it's shit when its owner was attacked. It opened up it's cage...
Mason: [Interrupting] Why would you put a bird in a cage if it can open the door?
Roxy: [Getting frustrated] Where else are you going to put it? It opened up it's cage and went crazy, pecked out the robbers eyes, scratched his face up like he was Tippi Hedren or some shit. And don't you tell me that's not friendship.
Mason: [a moment of silence] How big was this parrot?
Roxy: I don't know, parrot size.
Mason: Well a parrot can't take on a full-grown man unless that man is a big pussy...
Roxy: I didn't say the parrot won! The robber stabbed it with a fork and killed it's owner. The bird's dead.
Mason: So why are you getting a bird?
Roxy: [Very frustrated] It's not about homeland security, you stupid mother fucker, I'm gonna get a friend!
Mason: [Shocked] ... Jesus...

"Dead Like Me: Sunday Mornings (#1.9)" (2003)
Georgia 'George' Lass: We're going out.
Mason: I'd love to join you.
Georgia 'George' Lass: Well, it's girls' night out. We're going to lesbian bars to drink Jack Daniels and make out with big women.

"Dead Like Me: Haunted (#2.15)" (2004)
Mason: We're going to play a little Hallowe'en game. Now, I'm going to ask you a question and you're going to answer me. If you get it right, you win a dollar, if you get it wrong, I get all your candy. All right? Right. What original member of the Rolling Stones croaked whilst having a drowning accident?
Kids: Mick Jagger?
Mason: No, he's kind of alive and still touring.
Kids: Keith Moon?
Mason: No, that's the fucking Who.
Kids: Who?
Mason: The Who! It was Brian Jones, now hand over the candy. Now piss off. I partied with him and I reaped him, *yes*!
Rube: Stealing candy from children. Challenging.

"Dead Like Me: Reaper Madness (#1.7)" (2003)
Daisy Adair: [after a married couple dies right after their ceremony] They're not going to Bali for their honeymoon, are they?
Mason: No
Daisy Adair: That's really one of the saddest things I've ever heard.
[the newlywed spirits kiss]
Mason: They don't seem to mind.

"Dead Like Me: Dead Girl Walking (#1.2)" (2003)
Mason: [looking at a parking meter] Where do all the coins go, anyway? Doesn't seem big enough.
Roxy: There's this network of pressurized vacuum tubs underneath the sidewalk. The meters drop off their reservoir every three or four hours, it sucks through the tube and dumps back into the basement of the 7th Street Parking Office.
Mason: My God, really?
Roxy: You got shit for brains, man. I've got the keys and these bad boys hold more than you think.

"Dead Like Me: Always (#2.14)" (2004)
Daisy Adair: He's not staying here.
Georgia 'George' Lass: You're being totally selfish.
Daisy Adair: That's a fine sentiment coming from you.
Georgia 'George' Lass: Excuse me? I am the most...
Daisy Adair: Self-involved is what you are, Georgia. You're always in your own head. It's like you're talking to yourself.
Georgia 'George' Lass: [thinking] Am I?
Mason: She has got a point, Georgie.
Daisy Adair, Georgia 'George' Lass: Shut up, Mason.
Mason: Fine. Jesus.

"Dead Like Me: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)
[Mason shows George how the undead look to the living]
George: Who decides what we look like?
Mason: I don't know. Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up.
George: If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.

"Dead Like Me: Ghost Story (#2.3)" (2004)
Mason: [after losing his post-it note] Mother fucking, well fucked, viciously fucked, bollocky, bastard, hell! I am viciously fucked!
[to a lass walking out... ]
Mason: What about you, darling? Unless, of course, you're interested, in which case...
[gives him the finger]
Mason: can, no! Well, piss off then! Oh fuck off! Oh Jesus Christ! Oh bollocks!
Mason: [to Kiffany the waitress] Kiffany! Kiffany? Kiffany, Kiffany, hey! Listen, listen, have you found a little post-it note? A little yellow one with writing on...
Kiffany: Like the kind you people are always playing with?
Mason: Yes! Exactly, exactly...
Kiffany: No. Is this one particularly important?
Mason: Well, I don't bollockingly well know do I? Jesus Christ I am fucked! Move! Shit, bollocks, fucking bollocks! Okay, well that's it, I am fucking fucked. I am bollocking viciously fucked! Royally fucked I am.

"Dead Like Me: Vacation (#1.13)" (2003)
Rube: [to George] Where's the fire?
Mason: [indirectly to Daisy] It's in my pants.
Daisy Adair: [to Mason] It's called syphillis.

"Dead Like Me: My Room (#1.6)" (2003)
Daisy Adair: I was under the craft services table and I was blowing this tall, handsome man and someone leaned over and whispered in my ear: "No, THAT's Clark Gable".
Mason: So who were you blowing?
Daisy Adair: I don't know! It's such a huge cast. Someone from the Confederacy, I think.

"Dead Like Me: Ashes to Ashes (#2.11)" (2004)
Mason: [to Daisy] You're beautiful, and I love you. I just don't like you anymore.

"Dead Like Me: The Shallow End (#2.4)" (2004)
Mason: I just cannot get over the size of your testicles!

"Dead Like Me: Be Still My Heart (#2.9)" (2004)
Mason: Can I buy you a drink?
Ashley: It's a private club, you don't buy people drinks.
Mason: wooooo! Bitchy heiress. Just my type, I love it.
Ashley: What's your name?
Mason: Mason. What's your name? Don't tell me... oh, I love this game.
Mason: Whitney... Parker... Whitney...
Ashley: You already said that.
Mason: Parker...
Ashley: It's Ashley.
Mason: Fucking bollocks, bullshit, bull bags, I knew it!