Lt. Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy
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Quotes for
Lt. Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy (Character)
from "M*A*S*H" (1972)

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"M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen (#11.16)" (1983)
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In addition, one-fourth of all Koreans are homeless, and 100,000 are orphans.
Father Mulcahy: What did he say? How many orphans?
B.J.: 100,000, Father.
Father Mulcahy: Dear God!

[the war is over, and the company is saying their goodbyes]
Col. Potter: Well, Francis, you've been a godsend.
Father Mulcahy: Look on the bright side: When they tell us to serve our time in Purgatory, we can say, "No thanks, I've done mine."

[an explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: I thought we had a system here, they fire three rounds and they move on.
Father Mulcahy: Wait a minute, what happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds and then going away?
Maj. Winchester: Good question... again.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted?
Col. Potter: I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad.
[Another explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester: Or maybe a third.
Hawkeye: Well, the "more-tar" merrier, ha ha ha!

[Hawkeye drives the tank into the "4077th trash dump," in an attempt to prevent bombshell explosions from coming so close to the 4077th unit. Some of the members applaud]
Hawkeye: I don't know why I always have to take out the trash.
[Some of the members laugh]
Father Mulcahy: I wonder if his discharge from the hospital was a bit premature.
Col. Potter: I'm putting in a call to Sidney.

Father Mulcahy: Dear Lord, I know there must be a reason for this, but what is it? I answered the call to do your work. I've devoted my life to it, and now, how am I supposed to do it? What good am I now? What good is a deaf priest? I pray to you to help me, and every day I get worse. Are you deaf, too?

Father Mulcahy: I was anxious to get back to the parish, and coaching boxing for the C.Y.O., but lately I've gotten kind of interested in working with the deaf. Of course, not doing parish work, I'll miss hearing confession, but after listening to you people for so long, I think I've just about heard it all.

Father Mulcahy: Do you, Soon-Lee, take Maxwell, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Soon-Lee Klinger: I do.
Father Mulcahy: Do you, Maxwell, take Soon-Lee, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: You bet I do.
Father Mulcahy: I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thanks for your help, Father.
Father Mulcahy: Francis John Patrick Mulcahy - remember that if you name any children after me.

[Some of the 4077th members are about to leave for the 8063rd]
Nurse Kellye: Wait a minute, I'm taking my hometown home. Come on!
[She takes the "Honolulu" sign off of the signpost; some of the other 4077th members take off their other signs]
Father Mulcahy: Let me have Coney Island.

B.J.: You know, Father, the first time I've met you, I thought there's this nice decent guy, kind of sweet and gentle, you know? How's he ever gonna last out here? I got to tell you, you're just about the toughest bird I know.
Father Mulcahy: Well, I'm certainly a lot luckier than some of the people we've seen come through here.

Maj. Winchester: Well, goodbye, Father. I must say you've made this hellhole a trifle less unbearable.
Father Mulcahy: It certainly is.
Maj. Winchester: What? What?

Father Mulcahy: [leaving the 4077th unit] Goodbye everybody! I'll pray for you.

Father Mulcahy: [on the phone] Hello, Hawkeye. Need anything? Can we send you anything down to you?
Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Yeah, how about a band-aid for my finger? I got a blister from going
[strumming his lips]
Hawkeye: blblblblbl...

[a few minutes ago, Hunnicutt got orders to go home]
Col. Potter: I can't run a hospital without surgeons. Who's supposed to replace you?
B.J.: What would you say if we found a first-class surgeon to take my place?
Father Mulcahy: That's fair enough.
Col. Potter: Well...
Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Come on, we'll try.
Col. Potter: I guess I'd say bon voyage.

PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel, we're patched into Armed Forces Radio for a special broadcast. It sounds big, folks.
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul. I've just returned from outside the newly built conference hall in Panmunjon. The hall is a symbol of the renewed hope for peace. It is almost finished, and you can still smell the greenness of the wood. Two years of constant disappoint have made skeptics of us all. However, the word from Panmunjon today is that an armistice agreement may be reached at almost any hour. While one of the bloodiest battles of the war rages on, it seems peace is finally within our grasp.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: [joyfully throwing some papers up in the air "in celebration"] Yee-hee! Woo-hoo!
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: ... translating the truce document which has not yet been completed.
Father Mulcahy: [trying to listen to the radio broadcast while some other people in the mess tent were conversing] Quiet! Shut your traps!
Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: ... But after a week of secret sessions in Panmunjon, the red delegates have finally announced they will discuss preparations for signing the armistice agreement. There is certainly some distance to go in these negotiations, but for the first time in over three years, the end of this bloody road that we've traveled seems only steps away. This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul.


"M*A*S*H: Life with Father (#3.8)" (1974)
Father Francis Mulcahy: [to Chim Sa] Please, don't be worried about the circumcision. Some of my best friends have had one.

Father Francis Mulcahy: [into the microphone] Testing... Testing... One, two, three, four... Mea culpa, mea culpa...

[Hawk watches Fr. Mulcahy pray over his food at mess]
Hawkeye: How can you give thanks for food this bad?
Fr. Mulcahy: Just being grateful for my daily bread.
Trapper: My daily bread's four days old.

Radar: Mail call. Father
[hands Mulcahy a letter]
Fr. Mulcahy: Ah, it's from my sister, the sister. Maria Angelica.
Trapper: I thought her name was Kathy.
Fr. Mulcahy: Maria Angelica is the name she took as a nun.
Radar: Her married name.
Hawkeye: No mail for me? A cancelled subscription? A lawyer letter? An apology form my draft board; it was all a big mistake? Something?
Radar: This one's marked "Occupant: MASH 4077".
Hawkeye: Sold.


"M*A*S*H: Alcoholics Unanimous (#3.9)" (1974)
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Ain't you gonna say anything about my outfit?
Hawkeye: Later.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Say something nice about his gloves.
Hawkeye: Huh?
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [whispering] Gloves.
Hawkeye: Oh. Uh, I love your gloves, Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sears catalogue. They were having a white sale. You trace your hands on a piece of paper to give 'em your right size however if you want the black ones which aren't on the white sale you really don't care, do you?

Frank: Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Well, no I haven't. But on the troop ship I was asked to give a lecture on uh, the sex thing.
Frank: Good!
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Well... being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film. About two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high school sweetheart, a lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
Frank: Father, please. This is important.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: ...The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and... a man with a whip.
Frank: Father...
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Broke his wristwatch and everything.

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [Drunk, trying to give a temperance sermon in the mess tent] It's rather warm in here. Radar, would you open one of the stained glass windows?

Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [Still drunk, after his temperance lecture falls apart] Have I ever told you folks the one about the prodigal son?


"M*A*S*H: Movie Tonight (#5.21)" (1977)
Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in Heck.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
BJ & Hawkeye: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Radar: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Margaret: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

Hawkeye: And now for the moment no-one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest.
[Father Mulcahy passes him his hat]
Hawkeye: [imitating Mulcahy] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
[tosses hat to Klinger]
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.
[passes hat to Frank Burns]
Maj. Frank Burns: [in high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
[passes hat to Margaret]
Margaret: [in high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
[tosses hat to Radar]
Radar: Sorry, Father.
[puts on hat; imitates Mulcahy]
Radar: It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.
[tosses hat to Colonel Potter]
Col. Sherman Potter: [in high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
[tosses hat to Father Mulcahy]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Let me just say this about all these impersonations...
[everybody groans in protest]
Hawkeye: That's definitely the Mills Brothers.


MASH (1970)
Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Father Mulcahy, referring to Hawkeye] I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps!
Father Mulcahy: [looks up from his Bible] He was drafted.

Trapper John: [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Duke Forrest: [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: Sorry, I'm coming.
Hawkeye Pierce: Hi, Dago.
Duke Forrest: I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?

Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: [the camp is listening to Frank Burns and Hot Lips fooling around over the radio] Is this 'The Bickersons'? I love them.
Duke Forrest: Who?
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy: The Battling Bickersons. I love them.
[Duke gives him a bewildered look]


"M*A*S*H: Mail Call, Again (#4.14)" (1975)
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [Reading his mother's lips in the home movie] "I love you, Walter."
Father Francis Mulcahy: Who's Walter?
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: That's my given name.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Give it back.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I lost the baby pool.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, bless my soul! I won!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: A little inside information, Father?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Not at all. I just know a little more about conceptions.


"M*A*S*H: Nurse Doctor (#8.7)" (1979)
Father Francis Mulcahy: She hugged the stuffing out of me!

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I have stuffing that's just aching to be hugged.
Father Francis Mulcahy: What can I say, Hawkeye. Some guys got it and some guys don't.


"M*A*S*H: The Smell of Music (#6.15)" (1978)
Father Francis Mulcahy: Ah, eating outside, I see. Very chic. Reminds me of the Via Veneto in Rome. I dined alfresco when we went there for an audience with the pope.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: THE pope?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Numero uno.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Pull up a crate and tell us about it, Father.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Uh, no, I'm expected inside.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Father. Is it because we smell bad?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, uh... I, uh... Oh, dear. Oh, dear, how should I put this. Yes, because of that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Jesus ate with the lepers.
Father Francis Mulcahy: He was an exceptionally good sport.

Father Francis Mulcahy: [Walking into OR] Good news, people! No more wounded!
Col. Potter: Thank Heaven!
Father Francis Mulcahy: And the manager thereof!


"M*A*S*H: Rally 'Round the Flagg, Boys (#7.21)" (1979)
Father Mulcahy: Oh my Lord!
Colonel Flagg: Nice cover, but who are you really?


"M*A*S*H: Life Time (#8.11)" (1979)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Dear God, I've never asked you for this before, and I don't know what You're going to think of me for asking now. But if you're going to take him anyway, please take him quickly so we can save the other boy.


"M*A*S*H: Our Finest Hour (#7.4)" (1978)
Father Francis Mulcahy: Somebody should say something nice about Winchester...
[draws a short blank]


"M*A*S*H: Dear Ma (#4.16)" (1975)
Hawkeye: Where'd you get this scar, Father?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, that. My sister bit my toe.
Hawkeye: Your sister, the nun?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Now, nun. Then, angry child.


"M*A*S*H: As You Were (#2.20)" (1974)
Lt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Klinger, the Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you take the cake.


"M*A*S*H: Yessir, That's Our Baby (#8.15)" (1979)
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, I understand the stork dropped off a package while I was gone.
Col. Sherman Potter: Good morning, Padre. This little lady seems to be alone in the world. Do you think the good sisters at the orphanage can help out?
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'm sure they can, Colonel. The first rule of orphanages and Irish families is, "There's always room for one more."
Major Margaret Houlihan: Isn't she lovely?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, yes. Yes, quite nice.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nice? She gorgeous. Doesn't she deserve at least a "Wow" or a "Holy smoke"? Where's the oohs and ahhs?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Is this child of mixed parents?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: All we know is that there was one of each. Is that mixed enough?
Major Margaret Houlihan: Her father's an American, and her mother's Korean.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I was afraid of that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What's the problem? We want to get her into an orphanage, not a country club.
Father Francis Mulcahy: [paces] The orphanage will take her, of course, but that won't help her much. The problems faced by the children of American soldiers and Korean women are very serious. When the people of the villages find out about them, the lives of the children and mothers become a horror. They're outcasts. Little boys have been emasculated... and little girls, killed outright.
Major Margaret Houlihan: My god.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Even in the orphanage, the other Korean children will be very cruel to her. And when she grows up, she'll be ostracized by every segment of Korean society. This child has no future here, none at all. She'll end up a virtual slave... or worse.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There must be somebody who can help this kid.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'm afraid not. Her only hope - and that's slim at best - would be sanctuary in one of the old Catholic missions.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We'll take it. Slim is better than none.
Major Margaret Houlihan: What do we do? Where are these places?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, there's one not too far off. Armies, for centuries, have fought around it, left it untouched. The monks will keep her cloistered, educate her, and in fifteen or twenty years, working with their other monasteries abroad, perhaps they can get her out of Korea.
Col. Sherman Potter: With all due respect, Father, that doesn't sound like much of a life.
Father Francis Mulcahy: It isn't. But it's the best we can do.


"M*A*S*H: Fallen Idol (#6.2)" (1977)
Father Mulcahy: [Hawkeye has just lost it with a hospitalized Radar] I just left Radar. Now, Hawkeye, please accept this with the spirit intended. You're under enormous pressure here and I'm... I just want to know one little thing... Have you lost your mind?
Hawkeye: Father, you don't know how sorry I am.
Father Mulcahy: I mean tha - that boy is lying there in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of body and you... You call him a ninny?
Hawkeye: Father...
Father Mulcahy: I'm incensed! I am outraged! Where is your decency, man? Your humanity? I am acrimonious! I am not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion, but let me tell you, I can be persuaded to violence.
Hawkeye: Go ahead, Father.
Father Mulcahy: I think I will!
[kicks down the stove]
B.J.: Glad you let it out, Father?
Father Mulcahy: Well as a matter of fact, I found it particularly unsatisfying. If you want to know the truth, it is entirely possible that I have broken my toe!


"M*A*S*H: Dear Sis (#7.14)" (1978)
Radar: [Father Mulcahey is about to bless Radar's cow in Iowa over the phone] Do you think you can do it in Methodist?
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'm a piano player, Radar. I'll transpose.


"M*A*S*H: Depressing News (#9.12)" (1981)
Father Francis Mulcahy: Me, advertise? Huh! I can think of better ways of spending two dollars.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: It's not spending. It's investing. With the flock that's gonna come flocking in, you'll need a duffel bag for a collection plate.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, very well, Klinger. I'll take the ad.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Terrific.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Always willing to help an enterprising young man get a start.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: I got the whole thing beautifully designed in my head. I'll tell you how it comes out.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Won't I be able to see it?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: You want to see it! Oh, foolish me. I completely forgot to mention subscriptions.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Subscriptions?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Glad you asked. Because I like you, I'm instituting a man-of-the-cloth discount. My special pearly rates: two dollars a month or twenty-five dollars a year.
Father Francis Mulcahy: All right! All right, all right. Here's another two dollars.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Thank you, Father. One more dollar, and we're even.
Father Francis Mulcahy: What? I thought you said two dollars a month!
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: That's for subscriptions. Now I gotta raise the advertising rate. Circulation just doubled.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like to see your circulation cut off?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Wonderful. See? Another satisfied customer.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Congratulations. You've just committed a very original sin.


"M*A*S*H: Trick or Treatment (#11.2)" (1982)
[Father Mulcahy is administering last rites to an apparently dead soldier]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Ego te absolvo in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanct...
[pause]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, my...
[he sees a tear trickle down the soldier's face, realizes he's alive]
Father Francis Mulcahy: HAWKEYE!


"M*A*S*H: The Moon Is Not Blue (#11.8)" (1982)
Father Francis Mulcahy: [Closing lines - After B.J. and Hawkeye said how upset they were that the film The Moon Is Blue was relatively clean, despite all the controversy surrounding it] One of the actors did say 'virgin.'
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's cause everyone was!


"M*A*S*H: Period of Adjustment (#8.6)" (1979)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: You seem to think Klinger leaves a little something to be desired as a company clerk.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: I think Klinger leaves everything to be desired as a company clerk.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Well, we had a fellow here a while back, before you arrived, who was much worse.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Worse than Klinger? Father, you wouldn't lie to a Presbyterian, would you?
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: No, believe me, this lad was quite a bozo. He couldn't do anything right. Drove everybody crazy with questions. You should have seen him try to patch through a call. It looked like hand to hand combat. Folks here were convinced that the enemy had sent him to sabotage the unit.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Yeah? So, whatever happened to this rube?
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Well, as time went by, he got a little better. Your late predecessor, Colonel Blake, rest his soul, took him under his wing and sort of helped him grow into the job.
Col. Sherman T. Potter: You suckered me, Padre. You're talking about Radar.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: The very same bozo. You see, when you arrived, you got the broken-in model. But my, my. His first few months were harrowing indeed. Now, at the risk of interfering, Colonel, don't you think Corporal Klinger deserves the same consideration?


"M*A*S*H: A Night at Rosie's (#7.23)" (1979)
[Giving advice to Hawkeye]
Father Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen.


"M*A*S*H: Operation Noselift (#2.18)" (1974)
Hawkeye: [counseling a soldier who wants rhinoplasty] Listen, there are a lot of people who think a big nose is a sign of sexual potency. - Sorry, Father.
Father Mulcahy: I just translate things like that into Latin. Makes them sound noble.


"M*A*S*H: Tea and Empathy (#6.17)" (1978)
Father Francis Mulcahy: Klinger, I think I know where we can find some penicillin.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Oh yeah, Father? Where?
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Then how are we going to get there?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, yes... I'll drive.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Then what do you need me for?
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'm afraid I can't tell you that either.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: OK, Father. I've been on blind dates before.


"M*A*S*H: Dreams (#8.22)" (1980)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Well, it's been a miserable, grueling, rotten couple of days.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A little shut-eye would go down great right about now.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You can say that again. Even my teeth are dozing off.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Compared to the way I feel, Rip Van Winkle was an insomniac.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Well, good night, folks. If you need me, I'll be unconscious.
[People start getting up]
Major Charles Winchester: Ah, to sleep... perchance to dream.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [All pause, recalling their nightmares] On the other hand, maybe I'll have another cup of coffee.
Major Margaret Houlihan: Good idea.
Major Charles Winchester: Help keep us warm.
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'll pour.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: A big shot of that, Father.


"M*A*S*H: 5 O'Clock Charlie (#2.2)" (1973)
Father Francis Mulcahy: [Counseling a distraught soldier] Try to be compassionate. Remember, even one of our saints received a Dear John letter.


"M*A*S*H: The Foresight Saga (#9.19)" (1981)
Father Francis Mulcahy: What time is it in Iowa?
Major Charles Winchester: 1882.


"M*A*S*H: Bless You Hawkeye (#9.17)" (1981)
Maj. Sidney Freedman: [looking through a patient's belongings] His uniform isn't in here, where is it?
Father Francis Mulcahy: We had to burn it. We'll issue him a new one, he came in infested with lice.
Maj. Sidney Freedman: [pulls his hands back, looks in another patient's box] There's no uniform in here either, is there a lice epidemic?


"M*A*S*H: A War for All Seasons (#9.6)" (1980)
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a few minutes we're going to be decobbing corn, thanks to you and your khaki thumb.
Father Mulcahy: Don't I know it. All week I've been dreaming of getting butter on my cheeks, juice on my shirt, and a niblet wedged between two molars.
[walks up to the table]
Father Mulcahy: Where is the corn?
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You're looking at it. The mushy stuff.
Father Mulcahy: You... You creamed it!
[on the verge of tears]
Father Mulcahy: You... you ninny!
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: [everybody yells at Igor] I was just trying to be helpful. Next Fourth of July you can eat it on the cob for all I care.


"M*A*S*H: Patent 4077 (#6.16)" (1978)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Father, do you have a prayer for an untried vascular clamp?
Father Francis Mulcahy: No, but like you, I can invent one.


"M*A*S*H: Last Laugh (#6.3)" (1977)
Father Francis Mulcahy: Anything I can do?
Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pray.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh. That's all I ever get to do.


"M*A*S*H: Mail Call (#2.23)" (1974)
Father Francis Mulcahy: [Trapper, drunk, is sitting at the piano at the O Club] Is something bothering you, Trapper?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I'm not Catholic, Father.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, all in good time... Which is more that I can say about your piano playing.


"M*A*S*H: The Merchant of Korea (#6.14)" (1977)
Lt../Capt. Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy: [condescendingly handing Winchester a poker chip after Winchester has lost] From the orphans. ...


"M*A*S*H: I Hate a Mystery (#1.10)" (1972)
[last lines]
Frank Burns: That's fascinating.
Margaret: Oh, it is, it is.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, yes, yes, very definitely. You see, it was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing.
[all look at Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Well, don't look at me, I didn't take 'em.


"M*A*S*H: Give 'Em Hell, Hawkeye (#10.4)" (1981)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: I just received this letter from my superior at HQ.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I didn't know there was a "Father Superior".


"M*A*S*H: Mulcahy's War (#5.8)" (1976)
Fr. Mulcahy: There's someone you want me to talk to?
Hawkeye: Yeah, I got kind of an unusual case for you, Father.
[Mulcahy sees the dog]
Fr. Mulcahy: Oh, my! What denomination is he?
Hawkeye: He's a German shepherd; I guess that makes him a Lutheran.


"M*A*S*H: Crisis (#2.21)" (1974)
Father Francis Mulcahy: [prayer before bed with all the guys in the SWAMP] "Now I lay me down to sleep, a bag of peanuts at my feet. If I should die before I before I wake, give them to my brother Jake."


"M*A*S*H: April Fools (#8.25)" (1980)
Father Francis Mulcahy: [Wearing a dress] While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this... this... house frock!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Better not take it off, Father, or you'll be a defrocked priest!
Father Francis Mulcahy: How would you like to get last rites,
[raises his fists]
Father Francis Mulcahy: and a few lefts?


"M*A*S*H: Blood Brothers (#9.18)" (1981)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: I want to tell you about two men. Each facing his own crisis. The first man you know rather well. The second is a patient here. Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis. But what he was really doing was trying to impress someone. He was looking for recognition, encouragement, a pat on the back. And whenever that recognition seemed threatened he reacted rather childishly. Blamed everyone for his problems but himself because he was thinking only of himself. But the second man was confronted with the greatest crisis mortal man can face, the loss of his life. I think you will agree that the second man had every right to be selfish. But instead he chose to think not of himself, but of a brother. A brother! When the first man saw the dignity and the selflessness of the second man, he realized how petty and selfish he had... I... I... I had been. It made me see something more clearly than I've ever seen it before. God didn't put us here for that pat on the back. He created us so he could be here himself. So he could exist in the lives of those he created, in his image.


"M*A*S*H: Exorcism (#5.12)" (1976)
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Stray bomb appears out of nowhere. Blows up a shipment of chipped beef. What do you call that?
Lt. Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy: A gift from heaven.


"M*A*S*H: Bug Out (#5.1)" (1976)
Col. Potter: You people - get the phone, Radar - you people have been panicking over a rumor that says the 4077 is bugging out. That is grade-A 100% bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland, and our resident celibate, Father Mulcahy.
Father Mulcahy: Thank you, sir.
Col. Potter: My pleasure. Now, you take World War II. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it, and began hoarding canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on 30 years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton. 15 years old, and can name 24 of the 48 states. Already has an appointment to West Point. The general has assured me, there is nothing to worry about. M*A*S*H 4077 is definitely...
[Radar hands him a message]
Col. Potter: bugging out in three hours! Bug out!


"M*A*S*H: A Holy Mess (#10.13)" (1982)
Pvt. Nick Gillis: [pulls a gun] Move away, Father, I'm getting out of here.
Father Mulcahy: How dare you! You seek refuge in this house of the Lord when it serves your purpose. Then when it's no longer convenient, you desecrate it by pointing a deadly weapon at another human being. Private, a faith of convenience is a hollow faith.


"M*A*S*H: The Life You Save (#9.20)" (1981)
Father Mulcahy: [Mulcahy is on garbage detail] There just isn't room for anymore.
Col. Sherman Potter: Well, Padre, you gotta ditch it some place. Preferably down wind.
Father Mulcahy: I can't. Winchester has all the transportation lying around in little pieces on bed linen.
Margaret: That's what I want to talk to you about.
[Hawkeye enters]
Hawkeye: Colonel, the motor pool has been taken completely apart and Klinger has to get to the 8063rd right away.
Col. Sherman Potter: Why?
Hawkeye: Because...It's a long story, but whatever idiot was in charge of the mess tent before I was stuck me with 75 missing trays.
Father Mulcahy: I'm the idiot who stuck you with those trays. And it was 50!


"After MASH: September of '53/Together Again (#1.1)" (1983)
Father Francis Mulcahy: When you go to a movie, all you hear is the movie. I hear that and the people behind me making babies.


"M*A*S*H: Old Soldiers (#8.18)" (1980)
[Klinger has delivered letters to all the senior staff as per Col. Potter's order]
Hawkeye: "You are invited to my tent tomorrow night at 1900 hours. Cordially, Sherman Potter. PS: That's an order." I don't understand.
Margaret: [entering from another room] You won't believe what was left on my door.
BJ: The crowd thickens.
Hawkeye: Let me guess, does it look like this?
Margaret: You got one?
BJ: We all did.
Mulcahy: [entering from outside] Hello, all. Say, I just received the most peculiar...
[they all hold up their own letters]
Mulcahy: Oh... does anyone know what this means?
BJ: I do. We're all invited to Col. Potter's tent for an after-dinner riddle.
Hawkeye: Klinger, did he say anything to you what he gave these to you?
Klinger: No. Just ordered me to deliver them and made a beeline for his office with that package he got today.
Margaret: Package? What was in it?
Klinger: I don't know, but he's been antsy about getting it ever since the trip to Tokyo. Came from some lawyers.
Hawkeye: Lawyers? Why would he be hearing from lawyers? Divorce?
Margaret: That's stupid. Who would divorce that sweet, wonderful man?
Hawkeye: Maybe it's a lawsuit.
BJ: Tax problem.
Charles: Or a will. I don't wish to sound ghoulish and, mind you, I pray I'm assessing the evidence incorrectly, but what if the sick friend with the bad lab report is a ruse and it's Col. Potter who's sick.
Margaret: No, don't even think that.
Hawkeye: Let's not jump to conclusions.
Charles: Agreed, but that would explain the phone call, the trip to Tokyo, his mood and the package from the lawyers.
BJ: Yes, it would.
Hawkeye: Look, if he's ill, we'll find out soon enough. I'm sure he'll tell us in his own way.
Mulcahy: [looks at his letter again] Maybe he is.


"M*A*S*H: Bombed (#3.15)" (1975)
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [as he is being pulled from a bombed latrine, a dazed Father Mulcahy recounts a childhood memory] Sis and I picked these apples from under the tree. I remember, I said "You can't make a pie out of crabapples!" And she said, "I learned how in the girl scouts."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He'll be alright. He's just a little dazed.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: She used brown sugar, and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Get him back to his tent, let him rest.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Mommy came into the kitchen and said "What the hell is going on in here?"
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [thinking that the dress-wearing Cpl. Klinger is his mother] I remember Mommy. You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear!


"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad (#1.12)" (1972)
[Father Mulcahy arranges an unconscious Major Burns on a bunk in post-op, covering for Klinger who just punched him out. An M.P., whistle blowing, bursts in]
M.P.: What's going on, Father?
Father Mulcahy: Shh-shh-shh. He's exhausted.
M.P.: OK. Where's the guy that exhausted him?
Father Mulcahy: Let me take care of it. Please?
M.P.: [relenting] I'm not even Catholic.
Father Mulcahy: [smiling] Would you like to be?


"M*A*S*H: The More I See You (#4.22)" (1976)
Father Francis Mulcahy: I'd like your permission to return these, sir. Quartermaster sent us a gross of new bibles, and there seem to be quite a number of typographical errors.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Oh?
Father Francis Mulcahy: Uh, here's the first one. "Thou shalt commit adultery."
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Grinning] Well, that's the new army, Father.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, let's hope it's a typo. These lads are trained to take orders.


"M*A*S*H: Soldier of the Month (#4.12)" (1975)
Margaret: Major Burns has decided to make out his will. Will you listen, Father?
Father Mulcahy: Gracious, I didn't even know he was dying.
Margaret: Oh, he isn't. No. Just a precautionary measure.
Father Mulcahy: Oh. But he does have the fever and a person is supposed to be of sound mind.
Frank Burns: Oh, it's okay, Father. I don't think my mind was any sounder when I was well.
Margaret: Call if you need anything, Major.
Father Mulcahy: Uh, are you sure you feel up to this, Frank?
Frank Burns: The only thing I really feel up to is dying.
Father Mulcahy: I see. Well, uh, if you're ready.
Frank Burns: My car, my house, all the money I buried in my backyard, goes to the only woman who ever really cared, ever really understood - my wife, Louise. She'll have to thaw out the map, it's inside some ground chuck in the basement freezer. My savings account passbook number is in the same bottle as my appendix.
Father Mulcahy: Appendix. Hmm. A-Anything else?
Frank Burns: For my children, all profits from my prescription kickbacks.
Father Mulcahy: Oh, dear.
Frank Burns: These are recorded in my red ledger, not the blue one that I show to the government. And finally, to Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier, I leave all my clothes.


"M*A*S*H: Commander Pierce (#7.1)" (1978)
Father Mulcahy: Remember, my son, patience is a virtue.
Hawkeye: And you're taxing my virtue.


"M*A*S*H: Dear Dad... Three (#2.9)" (1973)
Father Francis Mulcahy: [Trapper is serving him a martini] Not too much - I'm praying later.


"M*A*S*H: Hepatitis (#5.19)" (1977)
Radar: [Father Mulcahy has hepatitis] Ooooh! I ate his sausages!
Father Francis Mulcahy: I didn't touch them, Radar.
Radar: I know, Father, but they were yours!


"M*A*S*H: Give and Take (#11.14)" (1983)
Father Mulcahy: Winchester, you are a dirty stinker!
Charles: Put that ba... What?
B.J.: Don't listen to him, Charles. Nobody takes the word of a priest.
Father Mulcahy: I've been doing a little investigating and I've discovered that this belongs to you!
[gives collection ledger back to Charles]
Charles: Ah, the charity ledger. Well, it did belong to me, Father, but it's long since passed from my hands.
Father Mulcahy: Well, it's back! Major, it is a very low and unscrupulous person who abdicates the opportunity to do good work for his fellow man. Tell me, are you such a person?
Charles: Certainly not. Every Christmas I give $2 to the postman.
Father Mulcahy: My, my, you certainly give till it hurts.
Hawkeye: Well, what do you expect, Father? He's the kind of person who would give a drowning man a glass of water.
Father Mulcahy: All right then, Winchester, this is what it comes down to: this job has been passed on to me, and I'm not going to do it. So when General Crenshaw gets this empty ledger back, he's not going to feel so charitable. Not to mention Colonel Potter. And the man they are going to hang is the man whose name is on the assignment sheet. And guess who that is? You'll be busted so low you'll be saying, "Yes, sir," to Klinger!
[storms out]
Charles: [forlorn] Gentlemen... Have you ever considered that there are people less fortunate than yourselves? People who need your financial assistance? People... such as me?
Hawkeye: Shh!


"M*A*S*H: The Kids (#4.8)" (1975)
Father Mulcahy: Klinger, I thought you were an atheist.
Cpl. Maxwell "Max" Q. Klinger: I gave that up for lent.


"M*A*S*H: Showtime (#1.24)" (1973)
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not eating, Father. You know something I don't know?
Father Mulcahy: Something's troubling me.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Think of me as your mother, Father.
Father Mulcahy: May I make a confession?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: As long as you don't use any real names.
Father Mulcahy: For some time now, I've been comparing the disparity of our callings - Doctor versus priest. You fellows are always able to see the end result of your work. I mean, you know immediately if you've been successful. For me, the results are far less tangible. Sometimes... most of the time... I honestly don't know whether I'm doing any good or not.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I used to have a professor in med school who always said, "God cures the patients, but the doctor takes the fee."
Father Mulcahy: Do you think that's true?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm able to do a lot of things in surgery that I'm not really good enough to do.
Father Mulcahy: Thanks, Hawkeye.


"M*A*S*H: Your Retention Please (#9.7)" (1981)
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anybody.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You hear that Charles?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Subject of this meeting is... The Army.
[Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Quietly] So far, so good.
[Regular voice]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, you gotta be kidding!
Major Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Sharply] What did he say?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
[All three begin laughing again]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Why, thank you, Major.
[Pierce begins making kissing noises]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Please, I'd like to hear this too.
[Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed!
[Everyone heads for the door]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!


"M*A*S*H: Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler (#4.9)" (1975)
Father Francis Mulcahy: So what you're saying, is Judas only did what he had to do.
Captain Chandler: Being Judas, he could do nothing else.